All language subtitles for Andor.S01E01.Kassa

What the actual fuck?

You need to stop them!

How? With magic beans?

I... I don't know. Uh, tear gas.
Rubber bullets. Bullet bullets!

Do we have any of that?

It's a cruise ship.

We have a scented candle shop and a spa.

We used to.

Let it burn, baby. Let it burn.

Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian
www.addic7ed.com

Everybody to the bridge!

Where's Ryan?

Let's smash down the doors!

Let's use her as a battering ram!

No! Hey! Hey!

I just ate.

I'm gonna throw up if you don't...

What are you doing? Oh, my God!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, no. No need!

I'm right here.

Oh, come on. P... put Karen down.

She looks even sadder horizontal.

I'm sorry, again.

But I know that
sorry is... is too small a word.

- Here's a small word. Fuck you!
- Yeah!

- Well that's actually two words.
- Oh, let's pull his teeth out!

- No, no, no, no!
- Wait! Everyone, please stop!

Okay, who's this talking to me?

Can you patch me ship-wide?

It's not allowed, but sure.

It's your hearts that p...

Oh, what the...

I hate to be presumptuous...

Who's this prick?

...but can I suggest
a more peaceful solution?

- I like him.
- Let's not punish a guy

who should never have been
put in charge.

I mean, he's just one step up
from animatronic.

It's true.

- Actually, I hate him.
- Hmm.

I say maybe we take charge.

- Yeah!
- Okay!

- Come on!
- Yeah!

I can't hear you!

I smell a shake-up, Iris.

This might actually be a good thing.

Yeah! Let's do it!

You do realize this is an uprising?

You are not seeing the bigger picture.

I am and it's called "Still life
of you being strung up."

"Passengers" contains the word "ass"

'cause that's how they see us.

Well, not anymore.

I see people with two eyes.

You know what else has two I's?

"Citizens."

He means the spelling!

All right, opaque wordplay!
Never a bad time for it.

You know what else has two I's?

Whiskey on the rocks.

- Yeah!
- We need ideas from everyone.

Yeah!

As citizens, I say
we form a citizens' assembly

and run this ship!

Yeah!

Who's with me?

Together there are more of us.

Yeah!

The twilight of the moron-tyrant
is upon us!

- Sorry, Ryan. It's over.
- Oh, thank fuck for that.

I mean, obviously it'll be a loss,

but snap my neck and bury me
in a shallow bog, what a relief.

Security, take Ryan below decks.

- Mm, smart move, Iris.
- Him too.

Fuck you, Iris.

This is treason, that's what this is.

This is for your own good.
So they don't chop off

your hands
and turn them into soap dishes.

There's a word for people like you.

- Treasoners.
- That's...

Oh my God, will they be tortured?

No. They'll just be held
in the same room. So, yes.

Isaac Davis, ladies and gentlemen!

Because not all heroes wear hats!

Together there are more of us!

Yeah!

Then what's your least favorite color?

I don't know. Whatever color
you are, I suppose.

No, stop that. We're not gonna do this.

You understand those fuckers want us

to have a horrible time.

Well, I say we prove them wrong
and get along out of spite.

I say we sit here in silence
and wait for death.

Pray for death.

Some combination of sitting
and death, I say.

This is you.

I want to show you
what you look like to me.

"I'm Captain Ryington Misery-ford.

I'm... I'm a British space-gentleman..."

"...and manic-depressive

without the manic.

All I wanna do is sit naked

and suck up marmalade."

There's that smile.

There's that little pretty laugh.

See, we can do this.

Oh, God. I have to hand it to you.

You are the most positive idiot
I have ever met.

That's sweet.
A lot of people tell me that.

You know what?
I think you're ready to connect.

How about
we cover everything in glitter?

Skipping ropes in every room!

Ginger is not an ethnicity.

I got three suggestions.
Gold, food tokens, or teeth.

The Engineering Committee
has unanimously voted

against allowing you to join.

But I'm the ship's chief engineer.

And you're an aromatherapist.

Okay. Next up is food shortages.

Oh, the cannibal.

Okay, go ahead, say it.
We all eat each other.

No. We could use the arboretum
to grow vegetables.

That's a... That's actually
a really good idea.

It's perfect for when you have
a friend for dinner.

This fucking guy.

When I was five,

I stole my father's ride-on lawnmower

and drove it into our
compound's electrified fence.

That was the first time
I ever saw him cry.

He loved that fence.

Okay, your turn.

When I was 27,

I had this small vineyard
just outside Dundee

with my best friend Phillip.

And in the evening, summer's evening,

I would sit there with a glass of wine

and just look at the vines

and think, "My God, these vines,
they just grow.

I don't have to do anything.
That's the dream."

Amazing.
You really are such a lazy fuck.

And then the vineyard went bust

and Phillip shot himself in the head.

But he missed, so he spent
the next 20 years as a vegetable.

On Sundays, I would take his kids

to see him and they'd say,
"When will Daddy wake up?"

Really?

No. I just made it up.

Why would you do that?

Seemed like fun?

Dude, there's something wrong
with your brain.

You belong in the Museum

of Depressed British Fucking Assholes.

That is my favorite museum.

Why is that your favorite museum?

Because it's quiet.

Uh, welcome to the first meeting
of the Education Committee.

We think that the kids should be
grouped by ability.

What if your kid isn't academic?

Why would my kid not be academic?

Well...

Excuse me?

- What, you think I'm dumb?
- No.

I think mixed ability sets
for all subjects.

Well, why should my kid suffer
because your kid can't find

- his ass in a sleeping bag?
- Thank you.

Hey, don't talk about my kid like that.

Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want
to go to school right now?

- 'Cause I'll take you to school.
- Doug, no.

You ready for lunch, buddy? 'Cause I got
a sandwich for you! I got two of them!

Order!

Here's the fucking playground.
And here's the fucking...

Okay. The safety committee are drunk.

The logistics committee have
locked themselves out.

And the crimes committee
want to outlaw pool shoes.

Oh my God! Shut up!

And that's the welfare committee.

People, can't you see
yelling diminishes us all!

Can I swap my gavel for a sledgehammer?

My group is out of control.

No, there's just too much democracy.

It's like fifth-century Athens.

We need a strong leader.

- Yeah, true.
- We need a tough decision-maker.

- Yes.
- We need a dictator.

What?

But a benign dictator.

Yeah, let's play with matches.

Did the ship just lurch to the right?

You'd think I'd hate bronze,

but it's actually a kick-ass color.

I mean, it's essentially gold
with balls and a machete.

Oh, people are coming!

Quick, laugh, so they think
we're having a good time.

And I said, "I'm hilarious."

Which is hilarious!

Oh, we didn't know you guys were coming.

Mi amor! I've come to rescue you!

- Oh, great.
- No, not you.

Well, I don't need to be rescued.

Wherever I am is the best place to be.

Oh my God, Elena,
you are a sight for sore ears.

And Charles, what...
what are you, the muscle?

No,

I'm... I'm the horse you...
you ride off on.

Giddyap.

Oh Christ, what is this?

It's chaos up there,
so you have to do something.

Oh, so you're rescuing me by taking me

out of the panic room
and into the panic.

A lot of people still see you
as the captain,

especially when you wear the hat.

I'm not wearing the hat.
It's a stripper hat.

All the more reason to wear it.

Come on, just do something. Be brave.

Be a bit more like TV Ryan.

Wait a minute, you...

you don't like me just because
I'm the captain, do you?

- No. No!
- Course she does.

It's for the passengers.

People, the system isn't working.

There's too many I's...

in the citizens' assembly.

Oh, he means the spelling
but also the number of people.

I agree.

Hi.

That exceptionally smart
passenger is correct.

This ship needs a strong singular voice.

Yeah, that comes out of a mouth,
not from an asshole.

Right. Yes.

That is why we need an election.

Yes, to elect our dictator.

A benign dictator. Right, Isaac?

- Yeah.
- No.

- Yeah.
- No.

The nominations are open!

- No!
- Yes.

♪ Engage thrusters!

- Which thrusters, Captain?
- All the thrusters!

Any thrusters you can find!

Oh, this again?

God's sake.

Together there are more of us.

But as I cannot nominate all of you,

I am nominating myself.

I will be that "I" in your benign.

- This guy's a fucking wordsmith.
- Right?

Okay, any, uh, any challengers?

I don't want to,
but Isaac is the false prophet.

And I will be your Jesus.

But without the abdominal strength.

Well, okay. Well, obviously we
can't have a free jazz sociopath

as the only other...

Okay, is there anybody else?

I'd prefer a warlord
to either of these two.

- I am honored...
- Hey!

...to announce the candidacy
of Mr. Frank Kelly.

Kentucky Fried Bollocks.

It's Mr. Fondue In A Pedal Bin.

Who's next? The ship's cat?

Isaac is weak. I am strong.

I will lead, you will follow.

Iris!

I can protect you
from a position of power.

Oh, good. Okay. Got it. Got it.

This woman supports child labor!

I'm just pretending I don't want
you to be in charge.

Um, Iris is an inflexible power monger.

I have a friendly, human interface.

Um, and I like tennis. Vote Rav!

I'm... I'm Rav.

Okay, anybody else?

Yes, s... um, so, I... I'd like
to put myself forwards.

Literally anybody else?

Yes. Me.

I will stand.

Billie, I like you. But you
are not universally loved.

Yeah, but it's not
like it's a popularity contest.

That is exactly what it is.

So, I guess I'm the winner.

Should I just declare me the winner?

Iris cannot be in charge of me.

I'm six-foot-two, good-looking,
great complexion,

and I've heard I'm about
to become a proud father.

Thus, I will stand.

Well, I am almost alarmed

by the quality of the candidates.

All right, well, if that's it,

then, uh, I declare the polling is open.

And may God have mercy upon our souls.

When God judges us for
what we've done here tonight,

and he will,

what will you say to him?

Hmm?

Will you bow down and grovel
like a child?

Or will you stand up
and fight like a dog?

Sometimes dogs grovel.

And sometimes children fight.

You know...

Ugh, I was enjoying that.

If you elect me,

I will tell you the truth
about everything, okay.

World War II never happened.

Mass media conspiracy.

I have pamphlets.

So why vote for me?

Well, I'm newish here, so,
you know, fresh pair of eyes.

Yum, actually.

Hi, everybody.
I'm Karen Kelly, not standing.

But my husband is "Frank Kelly,
nobody's puppet."

What's your headline policy?

- Oh, tell them about the...
- Hey.

I'm just gonna take the good we have

and make it gooder.

Engooden everyone!

You have sad eyes.

I'm intensely competent.

So vote for me
unless you're incompetent.

Swans breaking a human's arm?

It's lies. They break your will,
not your arm.

I've seen the videos, okay.

How's it going?

It's frankly a tsunami of the subpar.

We've scraped the bottom
of the barrel so hard

we've clawed our way through it
into the first circle of hell.

Wait, TV Ryan is a candidate now?

Surely that's a protest vote.

Well, if we can vote
for fictional characters,

I mean, that just throws it wide open.

I'm torn between Dumbledore
and Anna Karenina.

There's not one good option.

Basically I run the ship...

Well, there is one person
who is smart, sane,

unlikely to die in office.

Yeah. Packing a lot of sinews.

Platelets too.

You... Oh, Billie.

Why don't you go
and build Billie better?

And so that's why the four pillars

of my campaign are en-gin-eer-ing.

- Engineering.
- I'll take the gin.

Hmm? You'll what? Take the what?

Yeah, I... can I have this? Hey.

I... I'm actually talking
to my base right now. So I...

Fuck those virgins.
We need to broaden your appeal

to include literally anyone else.

- What?
- So you drink coconut water now.

Vote for me and I promise you

I will use proportionate force
when necessary.

And by no means am I ruling out
disproportionate or unnecessary.

She should use
proportionate force on herself,

am I right? This is fun.

She should kill herself!

I'm just running with it.
I'm running with it.

Hello. Hello.

Uh, I'm Rav.

Wow, this is exciting, isn't it?

Not really.

Well... well, not exciting,
but obligatory.

Ooh, that can be my campaign slogan.

"Not exciting, but obligatory."

Only half of us

will survive Ryan's litany
of terrible choices.

This will be a series
of rolling tragedies

in which each false glimmer
of hope is succeeded

by a much more real
and crushing despair.

I am Matt Spencer.

I'm running on a ticket
of radical honesty.

I think I preferred being
violently deposed.

It was less stressful.

- Hi.
- Hi.

So, uh, I want to talk
to you guys about engineering.

I'll be honest,

I am not interested in engineering.

Keep it... keep it nice.

Oh, what I wanted to say was,
do you have a child?

Or more than one child?

A daughter, yes. She's nine.

And how much does it weigh?

"I love what you're wearing."

And I love what you have
put your bodies in today.

Thank you.

- You've got my vote. Yeah.
- Okay.

- Great, thank you.
- Thank you.

Oh my God, is that it?

You just say what they want to hear

and try and hide your contempt,
that's it?

Yeah, that's politics. And also dating.

Together there are more of us.

Well, together we want less of you.

Yeah, you... you started this here.

You... you opened some bitch's box!

Pandora's box. She has a name.

It's a shame about Isaac.

But I gotta tell you,
I'm kind of into Nathan.

Nathan, the man who ate other men?

That... Hey, we all got baggage.

You ate ostrich that time.

He eats people.

Okay, but if you didn't know
that about him,

he'd be quite impressive.

But I do know that about him.

And I find it to be
his defining characteristic.

We need change.

I love you, Nathan! Eat me!

Eat me too!

Oh, no, no, I'm watching my figure.

And yours. I mean, it's lovely.

But seriously,
there is an important issue

I would like to raise. Mental health.

Yeah.

Who's left?

Well, Rav's still hanging
about like an inert gas.

Anybody else like tennis?

No?

TV Me is forging ahead.

Pity he's fictional. God, I envy him.

But it looks like we're
going to end up with someone

who think that fingers are finger food.

Who we talking about? Nathan?

God, he's good. Reminds me of my dad.

Have you lost your fucking mind?

Or has he eaten it?

No, he has some good ideas.

He thinks we should adopt
a corporate model,

run the ship as
an employee-owned partnership.

That is... That is...
Yeah, that's quite a good idea.

No that's communism, which is illegal.

Okay, we need to discredit him
and start a rumor.

Saying what?

He's an alcoholic?

He's already a fucking cannibal.

Yes, sorry. I forget that sometimes.

Formed in the wake

of the third attack on Congress,

the Office of the Other President

is a constellation of America's
brightest legacy CEOs.

Beth Bezos, Amazon.

Mike Zuckerberg, Reality Whack,

formerly Meta, formerly Facebook.

And Dusty Musk, SpaceX.

Together they ratify all
the President's key decisions

along with this quantum computer.

My decision has been ratified.

The Office of the Other President.

- Mr. Sato?
- Yeah?

We're here
to make challenging decisions.

Like when we dropped
the word "book" from "Facebook"

because people feel
like books look down on them.

Yeah, you're really
making the tough calls.

Avenue 5.

The lithium disinformation
has become problematic.

We think it's time
to sunset the Avenue 5 project.

Sure. Cut comms. Don't prioritize them.

Avenue 5 currently exists.

We say let's 180 that reality.

What, you mean you want
to destroy Avenue 5?

Okay, so this is where you say,

"That's absolutely not
what we're saying."

That is absolutely not
what we're saying.

I am gonna work my socks off

to protect
this little guy's future. Yeah.

Yeah. 'Cause I'm not a quitter.

And there is no problem
that I won't sink my teeth into.

Don't eat the baby.

Oh, no, I'm not going to eat the baby.

That would be a red line.

- Now remember, keep it short.
- Short.

Smile. And don't threaten them
with death.

- Go. Go, go, go.
- Okay, I'm going.

Ha!

Hi, guys. So...

- Why you?
- Why me? Well.

Training, uh, intelligence, and...

Okay, but if you're so good,

then why haven't we gotten home yet?

Why haven't you used warp speed?

Because it doesn't exist, babe.

Then why can't you invent it?

- Yeah.
- Because even if it did,

it would probably smear everybody

into a molecular paste.

Wow, are you...

Are you threatening to kill us?

This is the one thing
I told her not to do.

Guys, you are booing...

You are booing physics.
So that's stupid.

Am I the only one here
with half a brain?

Oh!

Okay, now you're booing competence?

Okay, you know what?

All of you morons deserve everything

that is coming to you.

When death visits upon you,
may you see my face.

Okay.

Okay, listen. I almost had it.

Down she goes!

Oh, Christ, we're gonna
get the cannibal, aren't we?

"Here lies Ryan Clark.

Freed a cannibal, captured a cannibal,

elected a cannibal,
was eaten by a cannibal.

May he rest in a cannibal."

- Who else have we got?
- Frank?

Could we have Frank?

- No, it can't be Frank.
- No, he's a human donkey sanctuary.

Frank couldn't lead himself
down a one-way corridor.

- Rav?
- People say that I'm cold.

But does a body need a heart
to function?

I mean, yes. But does... does it really?

Um, okay, okay, still yes.

But cold? Do you know who else was cold?

No, sorry, I started that
without anyone in mind

and I just thought it would come to me.

- That was... that was silly.
- No.

Okay, it's time to reach
for the nuclear football

and turn the... the twisty keys.

Oh, please, God, no. Not Karen.

- Please.
- No, don't feed the beast.

That is a very complicated issue and...

and I don't have an answer for you.

Sorry, excuse me, Frank.

Uh, Karen, we need you to run.

Oh, God.

I knew it. You want me.

Uh, well, we need you.

Come on.

It's okay to say you want me.
Say it. Say you want me.

I... want you.

And, um, what exactly is it
that you want me to do, Captain?

- Okay, is this really necessary?
- Yes, it's necessary.

I need clarity.

Karen, I... want you to rule me.

I want to be ruled by you.

Governed by you. All of us do.

We all want to be governed by Karen.

Not just today, but for all time.

I know.

I guess I've always known.

I just wanted to hear you say it.

Frank?

Excuse me, people.

- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Make a hole, people.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am humbled...

You know what, just eff off,
you effing eff-heads!

No, we can't just be stuck
with Edward Eat-my-hands.

Actually, I...

Isaac. Yes.

He's been right in front of us
all this time.

I was the fifth Canadian on Mars!

What's that got to do with anything?

Isaac, bad news.

- We need you to save us.
- No, I... I can't.

I'm not cut out for this.

I'm just a patent attorney.

Oh, come now.

There's no such thing
as "just" a patent attorney.

Look at me, I... I can't handle this.

These people scare the shit out of me.

It's like a nest of vipers developed

a sense of entitlement.

Okay, take off your diapers

and put on your big-boy panties
'cause Daddy's home!

Vote me!

No!

Why are you booing?
Because I didn't stand earlier?

No, 'cause we don't want you
to stand at all.

Okay, I won't stand.
I'll just campaign manage Mads.

I'll just tell you to vote for Mads.

- No!
- I'll recommend Mads.

No!

- I'll just say the word "Mads."
- No!

- I'll stay out of this.
- Thank you.

Wow. Wow, bud.

They hate you so much
they took it out on me.

Listen, I'm... I... I know, I'm sorry.

Look, uh, you're a loser.

And, um, I hate losers.

So I'm gonna end this here.

- Yeah.
- Uh... and, uh, yeah.

I delete you. Boop!

Look at it this way. If you win,

you get a lovely apartment to cry in.

And you'll probably be deposed
in a year.

Come on, let's go. Come on, Isaac.

- No, I really don't...
- No, no, no, come on.

- Please don't make me...
- It'll be fun.

In four years' time,

we will all be
at each other's throats, okay?

That's just facts.

And I will help you to survive.

I've made a crossbow...

...um, out of, uh,

steam-pressed ply...

...and... and eel gut.

I'm gonna teach you to survive.

I'm gonna teach you
how to make your own.

And you'll be safe.
You'll all be safe with me.

Except for Ryan Clark.

He will suffer immensely
and be shown no mercy.

The only question is,
how will we kill him?

Will he be fried or eaten or sexed?

Well, yeah. Right now
it's unstable up there.

But once they elect a president,

then we'll have a clear line
of communication.

Well, it looks like they're
about to elect a cannibal.

Hello again, everyone. Uh...

Um, look, I... I realize

that he's not as exciting as someone

who might kill you, but we need someone

with natural authority and charisma.

We need someone like TV Ryan.

- Yes!
- Absolutely!

How is TV Ryan gonna work out?

He's fictional,
and he's not on the ship.

- Because he's fictional!
- This man.

He can be our TV Ryan.

He picked me up when I was down,

and he can do
the same thing for this ship.

No... no, I can't.

I've tried that and I was shit at it.

- That's why you deposed me.
- He was shit!

So, so shit.

And that's why he'll be
so great this time!

That is literally meaningless.

He could be the best of both worlds!

Together there are more of him!

No!

This is insane!

He brought a pedophile on board,
followed by a cannibal.

Vote for Ryan!

He doesn't eat people
and he looks hot in a hat!

And without the hat! Whoo!

Okay, let's put it to a vote.

No, Spike, let's not put it to a vote.

No, no, no, no. We are...

Do not put it to a vote.
We are not voting on... on this.

- Don't...
- Eighty-six percent.

That's more than the Jonas Brothers got

for their second term.

- Oh...
- Let's make Ryan

president for life!

No, no, no, no, no!

Jesus Christ.

- Ryan! TV Ryan!
- No! No!

Let's make him look more like TV Ryan!

No!

This makes zero sense constitutionally.

We literally just deposed him.

My fucking chair.

TV Ryan! TV Ryan!

- Guys, that's not me! That's not me!
- TV Ryan! TV Ryan! TV Ryan!

That's not me!

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I lied.

- I liked you being the captain.
- Oh, me too.

We voted for you!

Oh... oh, actually I voted for Nathan.

I didn't vote.

If you need a first lady,
you know where to find me.

He already has a first lady.

Well, I could be the second first lady,

- in case you get shot.
- Well, I would take a bullet.

If it helps.

I'm offering you my guidance
and support.

And you'll need my advice to,
uh, counterbalance her advice.

I like winners. And you're a winner.

I'm really sorry about this whole...

I will make your reign a reign of blood.

Billie! Help me!

Uh, for the first time in my life,

I have no idea what to do.

Okay, people, step away. Step away.

Our supreme leader.

And so it begins again.

Right. What's first up?

Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian
www.addic7ed.com