All language subtitles for Trailer Park Boys Show s04e03.eng

- Warning.

The following program contains

really coarse language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking,

and sexual Inferences.

This content may not be suitable

for viewers under 18.

To activate parental
controls, please press

the big go [beep]
yourself button

on your remote control.

[upbeat music]

- All right. Okay,
boys guess what?

Guess what? Guess what?

- What?

- You're not gonna
like this Bubs,

but you're gonna
have to deal with it,

but I'm getting a dog.

- [Ricky] You aren't
getting a fucking dog.

- I'm gonna get a
fucking dog, man.

- Give me a steak knife Ricky.

- [Ricky] A steak knife.

- I'm getting a
fucking dog buddy.

- Nevermind.

- [Ricky] Well look at this
shit coming together eh.

Hey, I wonder if he's
gonna do a dance for us.

That'd really make
me happy right now.

- Would it?

- [Ricky] Yeah, I
might even dance

along with the little guy.

- What would make you so
happy about that, Ricky?

- I love a little
dance on Friday.

- You like to have
a little dance.

- A wolf dog Bubs, it's gonna be

a fucking wolf dog.

- What is?

- The dog I'm getting.

- Don't get a wolf, you're
not getting a wolf dog.

My kitties will not
like a wolf dog.

- That's what I'm saying.

You had kitties your entire
life. I've never had a pet.

- You ever read the story
about the big, bad wolf, bud.

- What happened in
the Big Bad Wolf?

- It wasn't pretty.

- What happened?

- He got killed.

- Did he? How'd he die?

- I don't remember, but
I think he got eaten.

- Okay. This is a Wolf dog
they said it's a chill dog

- Are those brand new batteries?

- I don't know.

- Plus, what do you got
there, man? What is that?

- It takes AAA.

They might be still good
though. For all I know.

- Yeah is there not?

- But I can't find an on
switch, that's the problem.

- Well that's the fucking
problem. He's got a trap door.

[chuckles]

- What the fuck are
you talking about?

- I don't know.

I just found him and Ricky
doesn't know what he does.

- He, well, cause he
doesn't seem that exciting,

but now we think he might be.

- Well, we gotta figure what
the fuck the thing does now.

- Maybe rip his tail off.

- No, Ricky don't rip it off.

- No, no, no, no.

What if he gets
smacked on the head?

- That might be his sensor

Well, he's got no batteries
in him right now, boys.

He's not gonna do
all fuck. Is he?

- I Wasn't saying do it.

I was just saying,
what if we did this?

- Well, let me
put these back in.

- Does this start yet?

Or we just waiting until
this is done to start.

- Come on.

- That's like 30 year
old batteries, Bubs.

- Hey Bubs,

- Do something

- What's your deal?

- What do you do?

- Talk to him. What's your name

- Do something.

- Maybe you gotta say
please. Bud's do something.

- Maybe you gotta check.

- Oh he moves and
stuff. I can tell.

- He does dance.

- He's got gears and stuff,
but there's no on switch.

- Fuck, there has to be, man.

- Come on.

- Maybe you need this.
Do you need this back on?

- I think the
batteries are dead.

- Here. Look him up
online and tell him,

get his manual going.

- What the fuck is the name
of it? Has he got any numbers?

- Nothing. He's
just a, a fucking.

- What. What is this thing?

[laughing]

- Is he a squirrel?

- He's a squirrel with a flower

- He's a Prairie dog with
a flower and a heart.

- And what were those
things on Caddy Shack?

- A gopher.

- Gopher could be a go, no
he's too small for a gopher

- Do you ha not have any
more batteries, Ricky?

- Battery operated
Prairie. What did I say?

Prairie dog.

- Oh, just wait. He's from.

- Oh, here we go.

- He's from Gemmy Industries.

G E M M Y Gemmy Industries.

- Man, you serious?

- Yeah. Getter fired
up. Gemmy Industries.

- Just a second. Let me get
it on the fucking Google.

- Did we start yet?

- We could start.

- Just a second.

- Gemmy

- All the buttons
haven't been pushed

- Oh, these have.

- Okay. What is it? J E M M

- Oh, but there's
more screws involved.

- Was it J E?

- Bubs?

- J E?
- J E M M Y.

- Industries.

- Jemmy Industries. Yes.

- Boys. This is fucked.

Did we start?

- There's a G

- No. Ricky. You gotta start it.

- G or J.

- G.

- How do you know
those batteries work?

- Well, they were making the
horns go on the batteries.

- Yeah, but he looks
like he needs more power.

- He might. How old is
that fucking mouse thing?

- I don't know.

- He's pretty mysterious.

- Is there a year in the thing?

- No, he can't
find this company.

- I found the company,

but do you know how many toys
this thing the company makes?

nothing was.

- They can't make too
many gophers with fucking,

- Just pick. Any
dancing, fucking animal.

- What do you think of doing
I'm fucking Googling this shit.

- He probably has the
same fucking God damned

on off switch somewhere.

- Gopher

- Smart company, Let's hide
the fucking on off switch.

Maybe it needs music.

It could be cued by music.

- What the fuck, see.

- Check. One, two. Hey, bud.

- Sing a song.

- ♪ Oh, I'm a dancing
little mouse. ♪

- He's not a mouse. [chuckles]

- He's not a fucking,
he's not a hedgehog.

- Oh, just wait.

Oh, I feel something in
the back of his neck.

- That's a good place to put it

- No, I think he, you
smashed him, Ricky.

- Did I?

- Think so? I think he's broken.

I think he's got a broken spine.

- Well, let's take him here.

Let me, you just
gotta love him maybe,

and he'll come back to life.

- Give him some love,
man. Let's go for it, man.

- He's got a heart in
his hand and a rose.

- Rick, just wait, I'm sure
we can make this thing work.

Hello?

- If you can convince
it that you love it,

It'll start to dance.

[upbeat music]

- Are you kidding me?

- No, you did not.

♪ I think I love you,
I think I love you ♪

♪ I think I love you, so
what am I afraid of? ♪

[upbeat music continues]

- Fuck.

That's awesome.

[upbeat music continues]

- Oh, look, if you just help
him along a little bit, look.

- Loosen him up, yeah.

- That was fantastic.

- It's in his foot, boys.

[upbeat music] ♪I
think I love you.

- I think I love you

♪ I think I love you, so
what am I so afraid of? ♪

[upbeat music continues]

- Awesome man.

- Look at him go, boys.

- This is the Partridge family.

- He's just, he's just
spreading love around the world.

I love this guy that
just brought back

a whole lot of memories. Man.

Love this guy.

- The hidden switch
is in his left foot.

cocksucker.

- What a great
little guy you are.

Spreading the word of love.

[deep exhale]

- A lot of people think they
know that they can imagine what

it's like. If they're in,

fucking danger
around every corner,

that old soap in
the shower shit,

that soap in the shower shit,

I'm talking about
shimmy shanking the guy,

and fuck him when he's having,

sitting down and having his
fucking gruel for supper.

And that is what I
heard is gonna happen

to yours fucking truly today.

Now, one thing for certain, if
I get, when bubbles, I went,

I ever that fucking ask what
I consider as a human being,

but you know what? Some people
get all the fucking breaks.

Yeah, Here's the fucking keys
to the cock sucking workshop.

Why? Cause' fuck.

You know what a too wide
fucking bittle bottle is?

A bottle glass piece
of cock sucker.

Well guess what? When bubbles
wasn't looking, I stole this.

Yeah, that's gonna keep,
you know what about Ricky?

The other thing about
him, he's really fucking.

- One hour until I kill fucking
Jim Lahey in the cafeteria.

I'm a little nervous,
a little bit excited.

Let's put on some fucking tunes.

Since bubbles wouldn't help
me get something to stab him

with, I'm gonna have to build
my own little fucking stabber.

So I got my toenail chippers.

I just chip away at
this and sharping it up.

It's not fucking working
very well though.

[metal scraping sound]

That's not working.

I wonder if I could just
flatten this fucking thing out.

[banging]

Pretty fucking hard.

Fuck, that's not gonna work.

[spitting sound]

Fuck. I have to keep chipping
away at this fucking thing,

I guess.

Still got an hour.

Come on, mother fucker.

[buzzer sound]

Hey Bubs.

What's going on?

- Hey Ricky.

- How are you?

- I'm good.

Listen, we gotta talk.

- All right.

- What are you hiding
back there? What's this?

- Nothing.

- Give me this.

- It's just my hand.

Well, just toothbrush.

Sharpening it up. Are
you Ricky? Look at that.

- Nope, I was not sharpening it.

What happened was I
found there this morning.

I don't know if it's a
squirrel maybe got in it,

or a rat or mouse and it
just started eating it.

- A squirrel fucking did that.

- You don't want
cut your hand right?

If you're brushing your teeth.

- Oh Yeah. Oh yeah.

Ricky, look at the look at
the done with a straight edge.

Some kind of snippers.

- Okay. Bub's you know what?
I've gotta make something.

I've gotta kill Lahey today
in case he gets out or I get

out, it's gotta be done in here.

Cause it's not really that
illegal in jail to kill people.

- What are you talking about?

Ricky it's very illegal.

You can't kill him in here
or you're gonna be in here

forever.

- No I won't.

- It's the same as if you
did it on the outside.

- It can't be you're in jail.

- It is Ricky.

It's a fucking fact, like you
need to research this stuff

before you start
stabbing people.

That's what happened to
Gonzo down in the other wing,

you know? Big Gonzo.

- Yeah. Yeah, he killed someone.

- Yeah, and he's
in here for life.

- Yeah, but I don't think
where'd he kill him.

- In here.
- No, I don't think so.

I think you got that wrong.

- No, Ricky.

He killed them in here. He was
supposed to be in for a week.

Cause he was at the mall.
Pulled his pants down.

Stuck his bird in someone's
ice cream. That was one week.

- That's why they're
calling him ice cream cock.

- Yes. That's why they were
calling him ice cream cock.

That's what happened?
Everybody was teasing him.

Ice cream cock, ice cream cock.

He turns around. Oh
that's funny is it?

[grunts]

Fucking dead.

And then he's in here for
life and that's the same thing

that's gonna happen to you.

- I didn't know that. I thought
he killed someone outside.

- No in here. And Ricky
that's that's the thing.

I mean, I can't lose you.

- Fuck sakes.

- I can't have you
in here forever.

You need to come
back to the pack.

- I can't.

- You gotta think
of your grandson.

- I know. I don't want
to be in here for life.

I just thought that if it
was only for a few months or

whatever, it'd be worth
getting rid of him forever.

- Well, it's not,

I mean you could punch him or
something like that, Ricky,

but you gotta promise me
you're not gonna, you know,

oh fuck.

- Watch out for Donny!

You okay Donny? That was
a little dinosaur I made.

It took, it only took four
days. Pretty fucking nice. Eh.

- You made that Ricky?

That was that. That
was a, that's T-Rex.

That was the most vicious
creature that ever walked the

earth right there.

- Yep. You can believe
whatever you want.

And some people believe in
them. Some people don't,

I guess I'm not really
ever gonna know.

- What're you
talking about Ricky?

They know they've
dug up the bones.

I mean, they've put the
fucking things back together.

- How do you know they're real?

Did you ever meet a
dinosaur? No, I haven't.

Like you don't really know?

- Yes. You do know Ricky.

They got their bones and they
can test them for DNA and

carbon dating and all
that stuff. They know.

- Oh, whatever.

Some people think that, some
people don't believe Santa

Jesus, God exists.

But I know that's
true. I've seen them.

That's the first thing
I made right there.

- What the hell is that Ricky?

- Oh, I don't really know.

I got really high and I was
just thinking of doing a

rainbow that gets
hit by tornado.

So it just kind of
turns into this.

- Rainbow tornado

- Today, we're dealing with

a very special drink
from Newfoundland.

A lot of you people don't
know about Newfoundland.

You've heard of
fucking idiot, Canada.

but Newfoundland sticks
straight under the Atlantic

and it's washed by the
fucking cruel winds of

the north fucking Atlantic

and the brave Newfoundland
sailors for 200 years,

have been shipping out

and they kiss the cod before
they go down in the big

[indistinct]

to get the fucking rum because

the rum is where
it's at. Seriously.

I think in fact [indistinct]

[slurs speech]

This is called
Newfoundland screech.

It's in a bittle bottle.

This is a fucking
Lagadoor Betiever.

And this is a
fucking faithful dog.

You'll put on a
bigger,[indistinct]

[slurs] it's not
like a brink brassard

but you can fucking
rescue these fucking dogs.

And you know why?

Cause it's got screech and
you can get 50 millimeters,

50 proof screech, if you want.

But before you drink it,

you gotta be screeched
in the Newfoundland way.

And the screeching
goes like this.

You started off you
pour a little bottle,

just excuse me. [slurs]

You have to put this
right around [giggling]

You have to put just the right.

[gulps]

Ah, do I?

50 proof out of a
cup, made it up.

Okay so here we go.

Rule number one,
fill your little, you guys rule number two,

pick your MC. I'm not talking
about picking your MC.

I'm talking about
master ceremony.

[hiccups]

I'll be the master
ceremonies today.

Okay. Just pretend
you're the guy

that's gonna be screeched. Okay.

Here. I got the cod fish.

Where the fucking cod fish.

Just pretend I have the
cod fish in my hand.

Your hand. Okay. Kiss the
cod right in the lips.

There. now, that's step three
or step two or whatever.

Anyway,

I am gonna do the special
speech and then you're going do

the special speech. Okay.

Goes like this.

From the waters of the Avalon
to the shores of Labrador.

We always stuck together.

I'm gonna rant, rave, and roar

to those who'd ever been here.

You'll soon understand
from coast to coast,

we raise the toast cause

♪we love you Newfoundland.

But you don't drink yet.

First I have to ask you the
question is you a screecher?

And then you answer like this,

Deed I am ye old cock and
long may yer big jib draw.

That's it say that,
deed I am ye old cock.

Say that, long may
yer big jib draw.

You got it [indistinct slurs].

And then, and only
then are you allowed

to have a little
sippy-poo, okay?

Down the hatch.

[grunts]

Okay.

I'll tell you why Jamaica
farewell don't know

where the nights are getting.

You know what the national
food dish of Jamaica is?

Fucking salt fish
from Newfoundland.

And you know what the national
drink of Newfoundland is?

Look, empty glassy-poo. Ah,
doesn't have to be, look.

This is like [slurs]
an old story that I,

you know why they call
me officer cod cock?

Because I was screeched in
by my old friend, Ray Hurley.

He look, he asked me if I'd be
the best man in his wedding.

I agreed, but little did I know
I was gonna be all men there

And it was the first time I
ever got a binky bonk thinking

about other men's genitalia,

because a lot of the guys
took off their bathing suits.

Cause we were in a pool.

It was about 50
fucking Newfoundlander,

fucking blonde guys
with big muscles,

cause they coming
out from out west.

They were fucking working
on the oil patches.

And anyway, I got some
getting [slurs indistinctly]

and they said, get
out of the pool.

We're gonna get, we're gonna
make him, he screech you in.

So I, how much
and I [indistinct]

So I took a little duck there
and I was holding the duck

over my dick and I
climbed over the pool.

And then they hand me [slurs]
the cod fish bring pool.

And so what I did was I kiss
a cod and the cock and I

shoved him down my little
Speedo. And guess what?

Cod cock most open
right on my dicky-poo.

That's where they called
me officer cod cock,

cause I was running
all around the pool.

They were laughing
their shits off.

Anyway, I got screeched in
that day I tell yeah and I,

something happened to me and
I changed, not for the better.

I went into the shitty bits,

but that's another story
tune in soon again,

for Jim Lahey and another
one of my liquor stories,

his seal.

♪We love you. We love you.

♪We love you Newfoundland.

So,

oh it's already full.

Oh so, fill your glasses
bales in and give a little

[indistinct]

Thank you. Turn in more for
another story [indistinct].

[giggling]

Think I'll save this,

kidding.

[giggling]

- All right. Allison Hope,

Dear Julian, how do
I get over a guy?

Long story short.

I had the opportunity to ask
an old friend in marriage about

a year ago did act
upon it because I'm extremely shy when it

comes to romantic stuff.
And now he has a girlfriend.

Jesus, this is gonna be
a fucked up question.

It's kind of long Allison
like shorten it down a bit.

All right.

He didn't find out until later
that I felt for him that way.

And we haven't talked much
since he doesn't wanna

screw things up
with his girlfriend.

She regrets this. Now you have
a hole in your heart, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah.

What should I do? I know that
I want to meet other people,

but

A. my mind keeps
going back to him and

B. I'm a very nervous
and somewhat socially awkward person.

I'm also a bit concerned about
the expectation of hooking up

or sex without some
level of commitment,

giving our current culture and
any advice on would be great.

Okay, fuck. Allison.

I mean give it up. Okay.

Okay. This is what you gotta do.

Invite your friend over
for a couple drinks. Okay?

Even take his little
girlfriend along or whatever.

Get drunk with them.

When she goes off to go to
the bathroom, you tell him,

Hey, I wanna really
wanna bang you.

I've had these feelings for you.

I really want to bang
you, we're drunk.

It's probably I'm I'm
outta line right now maybe,

but I want to screw
the ass off ya and

I can't get you outta my mind.

Do that. That will help you out.

I mean, you know, don't
worry about the other chick.

He's only been going out with
her for a year and if you've

known this person for a long
time, then if he likes you,

he'll he'll bang you.
Especially if he's drunk,

he'll brush off the other chick.

Maybe get him to make
an excuse, bang the guy.

And I mean, as for
this other stuff,

you're socially awkward.
Liquor will help you out.

Okay.

You're a bit concerned about
hooking up and having sex.

Everybody's banging
these days. Okay.

There's protection. Just go.

What? I mean if this guy
doesn't go for what I just said,

go out and get banged.
Get drunk, get banged.

Make sure you don't hook
up with some creepy dick.

All right.

Aidan Fry,

Dear Julian.

What's the fastest and easiest
way for a 16 year old to make

money?

All right. That's an easy one.

The fastest and easiest way to
make money is to go steal it.

Okay. You can rob somebody.

It's very easy thing
to do, but you're 16.

You're probably not that
bright and you'll probably get

caught and go to jail.

So what you have to do is do
what normal 16 year olds do.

I mean, I was always
breaking the law.

I never really had a real job.

I worked at a pizza joint for
about a month and that sucked

what you should do.

Get a fucking paper route man.

No that you're too,
too old for that.

Get a fucking job at a
fast food restaurant. Okay.

It's shitty, but it'll
teach you good work ethic.

Maybe you'll make
something of yourself, man.

But easy, fast way of doing it.

When you're 16, there's
no other way of doing it.

If you wanna do it easy and
fast, you gotta break the law.

So don't want, I don't
suggest you do that,

but I don't know
how stupid are you.

You are or how smart you
are. So I don't know.

Can't really help you out dude.

- When the person
invented the pencil, okay.

They didn't invent
the fucking eraser.

How many years after
the pencil was invent?

- I think that would
be expecting a lot.

I mean, come up with a pencil,

like you just like
automatically, well fuck bud,

you gotta come up with
that. You gotta get,

come up with something
gets rid of it.

- So how many years later.

- I'm gonna say a lot.

- Like how many?

- 20?

- Nope, 22.

- I say fucking, 200.

- 229.

- It's 220 years.

- That was pretty fucking crazy.

- That's a fucking long
time to knock on man.

- It's 220 years. Holy
fuck, I was sort of joking.

- No. So somebody
in invent the pencil

and then nobody for
220 years thought, fuck

I wish I could get rid of that
thing that I just wrote on

that page. Cause if I
could just erase that.

- So really, eraser
guy's smarter

and probably a fuck
of a lot more richy.

- Than pencil man?

- Yes.

- I don't think so.

- A pencil man probably got
pretty boring after a while.

- Yeah, but he had 220
years to make his fortune

before eraser guy
even shower up.

- But eraser guy probably sold
stuff for a lot more money

and everybody needed one,

cause they already had the
pencils from pencil guy.

- Yeah. But eraser guy,

he took too fucking long
and he missed the boat.

Although once he figured out

how to make those
smelly erasers.

- Oh see that was a
whole new level for him.

- The strawberry
erasers I bet you

- That's the thing.

Pencil guy just stick stuck
with the same old, the pencil.

That was it.

- Well, no he.

- At some point eraser guy went
to him, said, bud, come on,

you gotta let me in here and
put me on top of your pencils.

And they made some sort
of a deal, I guess.

- Like the peanut butter
and chocolate people.

- But he never made
many changes to it.

Whereas eraser guy he's
always coming up with

something new and cool.

- So he probably did a deal
with him where he is like, look,

we'll put my eraser on
the end of your pencil,

splitter 50, 50.

But then he probably went,
you know what? Fuck you, bud.

I'm gonna make

fucking strawberries short
cake erasers, and sell them

- Oh. And then he started
making those ones,

the little puzzle
erasers and shit.

He he's always coming
up with it, eraser guy.

He's a smart fucking dude.

- Eraser guy.

- Or maybe it's a
woman probably is.

- Probably is.

- If you guys ever
eaten an eraser tried.

- Yes.

- Chewed on them,
the grape ones.

They're not great.

- They don't taste like grape.

- Smell good.

If you're keep smelling through
your nose as you're chewing

them, not bad.

- Okay. There's a
tip for everybody.

- Why?

- If you're gonna eat one
of those scented erasers,

breathe in as you chew.
So you can at least smell.

It.

- Smells like it
tastes good, but.

- It doesn't taste good.

It's a fucking eraser.

- Remember that time you got a
pencil erasers shoved in your

pencil hole and you
couldn't get it out?

- I knew you were gonna
fucking bring that up.

- Well. It's worth
talking about.

- Well, it was a
fucking accident.

- How I still, you
never clarified why you,

- I had a pencil in my pocket.

There was a hole in my pocket.

I got booted by this chick
who was in front of me by

accident eraser went
through the pocket.

Bing didn't have underwear on
that day. Right in the pistol.

And that's when I
went to take it out.

- Awfully fishy to me, Julian.

- What do you think I was doing?

- What are the
mathematical chances?

- I think you were, were
sitting around big going.

Wonder if that'll
fit in my best hole.

- No I didn't.

- That's what I think.

- Who would do
something like that?

Not me.

There's people out there
that probably would do that,

but not this guy.

- Maybe you're trying to erase

what happened the night before.

[upbeat music]

[seagulls chirping]

[fish sounds]

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