All language subtitles for Trailer Park Boys Show s04e02.eng

- [Narrator] Warning.
The following program

contains really
coarse language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking
and sexual Infor, for, lences.

This content may not be suitable
for viewers under 18. To

activate parental controls,
please press the big

go f#*#k yourself button
on your remote control.

[relaxing mood music]

- Wake up.

- Where's Ted?

- Oh my God.

- Ricky, what the fuck?
Where did you get this?

Is this what you're
using to eat with?

- Yeah, you can eat faster.

- No, you can't.

- The bigger, the bigger
shit is, the quicker shit is.

- This is your spoon
now is this, Ricky?

Ricky, You can't get anymore and

it doesn't make
your mouth bigger.

- I'll be just like Confucius.

Bigger shit is the faster shit.

No, the bigger shit is,
the quicker shit is.

- Well, what?

- You left your
markers in my shed.

- Here, man. Have
some, it's good.

- I'm not fucking eating
that. Are you crazy?

- Make sure you got nothing
to do for four or five hours.

- What are you doing with these?

- Those are my giant tooth
picks to go with my giant spoon.

- They're, they're
wooden chopsticks, Ricky.

They're not tooth picks.

- They're fucking wood.

- You think that's a toothpick?

- It's a wooden thing, yeah.

- It says chop sticks right
on them. Wooden chop sticks.

- I thought that was
Chinese for toothpick.

- Oh my fuck, Ricky

- You know Chinese doesn't
use letters like us, right?

It wouldn't say, oh my God.

Any who's.

- How are you doing?
What are you saying, man?

- I'm fantastic.

- How come you left
so early last night?

- Because I had to get up early.

- For what?

- I had to go looking for carts.
There was a bunch of carts.

I heard through the grapevine,

that there was a few
gonna end up in the pond.

- I forgot. I forgot I
was reading last night.

- What were you reading?

- Did you know your cats can
fucking see in the future?

You just gotta figure out how
to learn what they're saying.

- How do, how do you do that?

- What are you talking
about? What is this?

- It's a book I got,
gotten to getting read.

- Psych, psychic pets.

- Ah, come on.

- Fucking cool stuff.

- How to identify,
interpret and coax

extra sensory
responses from animals.

- Boom.

- So can you, is that,
is there any truth

in this shit, or what?

- What do you think?

- I don't fucking know. You're
the cat expert here, man.

- It's a book. Of
course it's true.

- Ricky, this is bullshit.

- Well, how would
they let them rate,

write it down then
if it's not true?

- I mean, so it's hard to
get a book fucking going,

isn't it? So there's gotta
be some truth in it, Bubbs.

- Chapter one, telepathic dogs.

- So what is it.

- Perhaps, no other single
animal has inspired such

rhapsody of affection
and nostalgia as the dog.

Bullshit.

- Well, dogs are pretty cool.

- That one sentence right
there tells me it's bullshit.

- It's even an old book,
so it has to be true.

- On the making
of a psychic pet.

I wanna see the section on cats.

- What do you think,
people just make stuff up,

write it down, a it's a book?

- Yeah. That's called fiction.

- Well, that's not fiction.

- This was in the truth section.

- The truth section?

- I don't know, Bubbs.
I kind of think.

- Penetrating the psychic
world of your pet.

Yeah, I bet you
they're penetrating

some things, these
weird bastards.

- There's a lot of people
banging fucking pets these days.

- Psychic cats.

- I hate the word
fiction. Nonfiction.

Like, it's too
confusing. Why don't they

just say true or not true?

- Well, because

- That's a good question.

- And non, cause non-fiction,
that's the true stuff,

isn't it?

- [Bubbles] Yes.

- And it sounds like non-true.

- No, cause fictional
means made up.

- Not real.

- Well, it's dumb. They
should change that.

- So you think non-fiction
should be non-true?

Well, it is non-true.

- Just true or not
true. Like if you walk

in the fucking bookstore,
true, not true.

- Yeah, but fiction, nonfiction.

- Okay. True, made up.

- Fiction,

made up.

Nonfiction, non made up.

- Don't like it. Unless
you're at least 10 or 12,

you're not fucking thinking
about it like that.

- Or what if it was like
the truth and then bullshit?

- Perhaps the most telepathic
and mysterious of all animals,

cats have been worship feared,
included and complicated.

- Whoa, man. Sorry.

- Poetry.

- I always, I always thought
cats were the dumbest.

- You think so, do you?

- You don't.

- Well, have you seen the
Super Cats cat show I put on?

- I know, but you also see
these things on like, you know,

fucking, those talent
shows where there's

dogs running around fucking
jumping over things.

- That doesn't mean they
can see into the future.

- I'm just saying
they could be smarter,

more talented than cats.

- No, they're not. Cats are
the smartest animal there is.

- Bull fucking shit. They're
smarter than a fucking monkey?

- Smarter than a
dolphin and a monkey.

- Bull fucking shit.

- They are. I had cat, I
had a cat that could read.

- Yeah? Well, I'm

- He could read a full book

- He could read? Bullshit.

- He used to read. I'd come
home and he'd have a book out.

- I knew a dog that could count.

- Come on, Bubbles.

- I have had lots of
cats that can count.

- Well, how do you know Ricky?
You can't even fucking count.

- I had a dog when I was
little, that could say 10 words.

- Ricky.

- They all sounded a lot
of like, but they were.

- What's the word,
Bark? Bark. Bark.

- [Julian] No that's,

- He could say a herro.

- He said what?

- Herro. That was,
that was hello.

- No, he was just barking
cause he had to piss

or something. He
had to go outside.

- What else could he say, Ricky?

- I think it was good morning,
but that seems awful long.

- Good morning?

- Oh, it was hun, hungry. I
forget how he said hungry,

but he said, he could
tell you he was hungry.

- Was it this, Hungry?

- That's pretty close.

- Yeah. He's just barking.

- Almost sounded like
horny. It was kind of.

- Hungry.

- Yeah, boys. They're
not trying to talk.

- No, I agree.

- Ricky, what the fuck?

- It's barking.

- The fucks going on
with this internet, man?

- Don't read this anymore.

- Just, I mean, are you
sure? It's not really.

- How much fucking hash and
weed did you put in this thing?

- A lot.

- Hey buddy.

- Hey Ricky.

- What's up, bud?

- Hey bud.

- How's it going, man?

- Well, it's going Ricky,
but I'm not particularly

excited about what
you're about to tell me.

- What do you mean?

- I just took the big fucking
lowest stuff from Reggie

and I don't know
what in the fuck.

- Nice. He brought it already?

- He brought all of
it. I don't have a clue

what you're looking for, but
I can tell you right now,

there's a lot of
weird stuff there.

- Did he get the
big propane tank?

- Yes, the propane tank.

- Yes

- There's two of them.
Two propane tanks.

- Bro, you want some popcorn?

- Yeah, help yourself.

- Yeah, funny.

- Fucking good man.

- We met a guy in here.
Johnny from Boston.

- Really smart guy.

- Really smart.

- Here we fucking go.

- And he's a fisherman,

so he can unload

as much weed as we can get him.

We just need to find
a way to get it there.

- Bubbs, put the phone
back up to your ear.

- Big fucking
surprise, hey fellas?

- Put the, yeah listen.

- No, this is brilliant, cause

it's a part two to this as well.

- Um, actually part three.

- What's part three?

- Just keep going.

- Just boys, I don't
have all fucking day,

despite what you may think.

- Okay. We're just
gonna get right to it.

Don't fucking freak
out. And actually,

you're gonna love this. I
don't know why I was thinking

you'd freak out, but we need
you to build a submarine.

- A submarine?

- Yeah.

- Do you know, Ricky,
how fucking complicated

it is to build submarine?

- It's not hard at
all. We looked online.

- There's videos, man.

- Yep.

- There's videos?

- Go online.

- Yeah. Did you notice
if anybody survives?

- Oh, big time.

- In the videos?

- Big time.

- Just go on you porn,
and there's like,

three or four videos on
how to make a submarine.

- On you porn?

- YouTube.

- Or, yeah. The other one.

- YouTube? There's videos
on you, well, Ricky.

- There's two farmers
fucking built one, man.

They're farmers.

- There's a big propane
tank. Actually look,

I got it all figured out here.

- Here we fucking go.

- Okay.

- I'll tell you right now, just
before you get too into it,

I am not building
you a submarine.

- You have to. We're
gonna go to jail.

- What you can't? You're not
going to you, or you can't?

- Ricky. You're in
jail. I don't know

if you looked around
in the last while.

- I know, but this
guy gets outta here.

He's going back to
Boston in two weeks,

and he's gonna have, so
if you can have it built

for two weeks,
that'd be perfect.

- Why do I, why do I
even come down here?

- So, here's sort of
what I was thinking.

- You might want to
take a picture of this.

So the big body of it,
that's the propane tank

that hopefully you've got. And
then the things on the sides,

those are called they're
called ballast, okay?

- I know what that
is. Yes, Ricky.

- So you'll need like
an air compressor,

cause you gotta be able to put
water in them to go sink down

and you gotta put air
in them to go sink up.

- Yeah. I know how a
submarine works, Ricky.

I get the fucking
physics behind it,

but you don't just whip one
together out of fucking old

propane tanks that Reggie
drops off from the junkyard.

- No, you do. That's what they
made. And I'm gonna need a

couple windows. I
wanna be able to see.

- Windows?

- In case, you know, you
pass by something cool.

And then for the power, I
was thinking, like, you know

how a shark swims, he flicks
his tail back and forth.

- Yeah.

So if you could build,
like a, something

like that, that'll
flip back and.

- Oh, just a simple shark
fin fucking submarine.

- No, just use the fucking, the
engine in, uh, the gold car.

That'll be, that would work.

- That's not gonna
power a submarine.

- Yes it will.

- You guys are completely,
I think you're,

what's in your popcorn?

- Okay, you know what? It
doesn't even need power,

cause he actually said as long
as we can get it underneath

the water, he can tow
it back with a boat.

So as long as you can
just build something,

that's gonna go sink down
in the water and sink up

when you need it to sink up,
when you get to the right

place, the thing is drugs
are, they're legal in Canada.

They're kind of
legal down there.

They're just not
legal in between.

So if we get it to go hidden.

Hide-sees.

- Ricky, you don't need to
explain the concept to me.

I understand. But what
I'm telling you is, A,

I don't have fucking time
to build a submarine, B,

I don't wanna build a
fucking submarine and be

involved in your
drug running scheme.

- What? Why are you so
busy all of a sudden?

- I have good things to do.

- What do you mean you don't
have the time? Like what?

- I'm working on
carrots and I'm working

on trying to make some songs.

- You will make money
doing this, believe me.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, and you know what
they also do? They go to jail.

See where you guys
are? See where I am?

I'm out here, cause I don't
do stupid things. Like, try to

send submarines full of
drugs to the United States.

- Outta sight, Out
of mind, right?

- Ricky, the coast guard.
You know that the, the

Columbian drug people,
they use submarines.

- Right. Smart.

- No.

- They are smart.

- Because the coast guard
now have submarine detectors,

because that's the
fucking vehicle of choice.

- Oh, come on.

- Yeah, because they've
got cars. They're dumb.

No one's gonna think
that someone like you is gonna build a

submarine and use
it to ship drugs.

- May I ask, who was supposed
to pilot said vehicle?

- Maybe we won't. Maybe
we'll just have it towed.

It's just a towable, it's
like an underwater trailer.

- Okay, look.
Underwater trailer,

I might be able to build you.

- You'll be safer.

- I am not building something
that we're putting a human in,

and then being
responsible for his death.

- We can test it with one of
your cats first, or whatever.

- No, we're not
testing anything.

- Just test it with
Corey. Put Corey in it.

- I'm not putting Corey
in a submariner vehicle

that I build. No chance.
Cause if he drowns,

then that's on me and
I ain't, not doing it.

I will look at
the fucking thing.

- Yup.

- Here I'll take a picture
of it, and I will look at it.

- Awesome buddy.
This is gonna be

your retirement cause
guess what? It's not gonna

come back with an
empty load either.

- I've got another connection.
This is the part three.

They're gonna be taking
liquor back with you.

- Oh my jeez.

- Like, a lot of it.

- I'm not going on the
trip. Just so you're aware.

- You will get 10 bottle.
10 bottles of fucking rum.

- I'm not going to the
fucking United States

hauling a drug submarine behind.

- Yes, you are, man.

- Think about the
money we can make.

Drugs going in, booze
coming back. Win, win.

- Bubbles going to jail
for life. Fantastic.

- For what? It's
not even illegal.

- International drug smuggling.
Boys, I'm not doing it.

I'll look at your thing
and I might build you

some kind of thing, but I am
not getting on any fucking

boats to the United States,
hauling drugs behind me.

- Fine.

- Alright, just work on
the trailer part, right?

But think, keep in mind,
how you gonna, you know,

if you could put an engine
in it, maybe, you know.

- I'll look. I'll look. I'll
maybe work something out.

- Make sure there's
some brackets in there, and some mounts.

- Awesome buddy,
whatever parts you need,

just let Reggie know, and
put them on my account.

- Well maybe I'll make
a nuclear sub, boys.

Maybe I'll make it nuclear.

- Perfect. What does that mean?

- It'll go fast.

- I'm joking. I'm just joking.

- All right bud.

- Alright.

- Good luck man.

- Just one more thing.

- Take some pictures.

- Quit calling me down
here for stupid shit.

- I don't care for a
goddamn Hancock tower.

- Listen, Bubbles
wants to see this.

He wanted to go on the fucking
roller coaster at the mall,

and you fucked that up in
Minneapolis, didn't you?

- I can't wait to see this
guys, this is gonna be fun.

- Hang back. If we get
thrown out of here cause

you're not wearing a fucking
shirt, I'm gonna snap.

- What do you mean?

- Bubbles wants
to see this place.

- Just got your Chicago.
We're here at the

John Hancock tower. I always
wanted to go up this fucking

thing. I saw it on the TV one
time. And we're going right up

to the top of this
cock sucker. Right now.

- Handcock.

- Let's just do it.
Let's just do it.

- That's a good name, Handcock.

- Not Handcock, Ricky.
Not hand on a cock.

Hancock, without the D.

- Let's just get this
over with please.

- Randy, you hang back a
bit. You shirtless fuck.

- [Randy] What do you mean?

- Just don't fuck this up.

- Look at that thing, Ricky.

- Hey, man, check it out.
Look at my tits, Bubbs.

- Ricky, that's not
even funny, man.

- This one's moving.
You can move this thing.

- Take it with us then.

- It's a lot lighter
than it looks.

- [Randy] How long am I
supposed to wait guys?

- Just hang back behind us.

- Randy, Just find
something to do, would you?

- I wanna go up too, bubbles.

- [Bubbles] Well you can come
in. Just hang back, though.

Just, do not get me kicked out.

- [Ricky] Pretend you're
by yourself, you dick.

- How does this thing work? Oh.

- Be careful, man.

- I almost got squished.

I almost got squished.

- I think I like, what's the
name of this place? Chicargo.

- Chicago. Ricky.
There's no R in it.

Where do you think we go, boys?

- I'm afraid of, uh,
what do you call it

when you're afraid
of being up high?

- Heights, Ricky.

- I'm afraid of them. So I'm
a little afraid right now.

- Okay. Well let's just
find out where we go.

- [Employee] How's it going?

- We're really stupid. And
we're from Canada, and we're

trying to get up to the
place where it's high up.

- [Employee] [Mumbling]

- Okay. Thank you very much.

- Awesome. Thank you very much.

I stand in lines. As soon
as I stand in line up,

I gotta use it.

- Well, let's go then.

I don't want to be
here. I don't give,

- I'm not going. I'm just
saying I gotta use it.

- Guy with the scarf on
over there looks like he,

he's just giving me
dirty looks, but,

obviously he wants to fight me.

- Which guy?.

- [Ricky] The guy
with the scarf on.

- Ricky, you get into a fight
in the fucking Hancock Tower.

- You know what, he better
stop looking at me cause,

- You're gonna go to jail.
He's not looking at you.

- I'll throw down right
now. I don't care.

- He did not look at you.

- He's looking at me
cause my shirt, I guess.

What, oh my track pants
aren't good enough for you?

You don't like my
fucking track pants?

- Ricky.

- Fuck off.

- Ricky, calm down.

- Bubbs, You know, I
wasn't sure about this,

but I think it's
going to be alright.

I'm a little freaked out it.
I, I've got a fear of highs.

Not in all highs. I mean,
I like getting high,

but when you're high up,
I have a fear of that.

I have a fear of highs.

- Well, Ricky, there's
nothing to be afraid of.

You're just, it's just,
you're on a regular floor.

The floor just happens to be
way up in the air. That's all.

- I know, but if you
jumped off, you would die.

- Yeah, but just don't jump off.

- Boys, did you know
that Chris Farley

died in this building?

- What?

- Oh my God. That's how I know
the name, The Hancock tower.

- He died here.

- Can he smoke here?

- No, Ricky, you can't.

- You can't smoke here.

- Why don't you just fucking
be quiet for a minute.

You can't smoke or drink
in the fucking lineup.

We've only been waiting
a couple of minutes.

- Well maybe they've got
the ADB, or whatever.

The AEG, or what the
fuck is it called?

- ADHD? That's what you have.

You need Ritalin or something,
Rick, cause you're fucked.

- No, I need hash or
oil or weed or liquor.

It's not that
fucking complicated.

- It's not gonna happen here,
we're going to the Hancock.

I will leave right now, if
that's what you guys want to do.

- [Bubbles] Look how happy
the people are leaving.

They had a great time.

- [Ricky] Was it
worth it? Was it good?

- It's cool.

- Alright. Bullshit.

Sure man, you got
any liquor or drugs?

- You guys, you guys
are selling drugs, man.

- We have to ask you to turn
that off when you go upstairs.

- [Ricky] We will
definitely do that.

- This?

- The camera.

- Oh, I don't have the camera.

- You guys are together.

- Yes.

- No, I don't know this guy.

- What is the question?

- [Employee] The camera
has to be turned off

when you go upstairs.

- Oh, it does?

- [Employee] Yes.

I can't turn it on Once
I get up there? Aww.

Oh look at that. It turned
back on by accident.

- Bubbs?

- What?

- They said you gotta turn
that fucking thing off.

- Well I did, it turned
back on. Not my fault.

[loud fart]

- [Bubbles] God,
is this our table?

- [Ricky] Bubbs, Bubbles,
this is awesome. Look at this.

This is the best place
ever man. Is that real?

- [Bubbles] Yes, Ricky. That's
a window, we're looking out.

Look down.

- [Ricky] Here, let
me sit here, Bubbs.

Whoa. I almost fell in.

This would be a good
place to smoke a joint.

So what is that? North America?

- That's Chicago, Ricky.

- That whole thing
is just Chicago?

- That's whole thing is Chicago.

- [Ricky] So that's not the
whole United States of America?

- [Bubbles] No, it is.
I mean, it continues on,

but you're not gonna see the
whole thing. You'd have to get

a lot higher to see out
to California or whatever.

- [Ricky] That is a fucking lot
bigger than Sunnyville, Bud.

- Alright, fuck it.

- I might have to
have a nap, boys.

- Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

- Well, I'm not asking you.

Ricky, show me how you
use your new spoon.

- Oh man.

- Do you side load it
or do you front load it?

- Well, when you think about
it, one spoon full, then.

- Yeah. Ricky, but it doesn't
mean you can eat any faster.

- But if you had a little spoon,

you'd have to fucking
do that 14 times.

- So you're mean you're
cutting down on this time,

the back and forth
to the mouth time?

- Right. It's not
fucking efficient.

- You just go like
one big shovel,

and then you just keep it here?

Do you do that or do
your front load it?

- [Ricky] It's
really good for soup.

It's like a bowl
almost. Except I have to

buy a bigger bowl, cause
it's hard to get the soup

out of the bowl.
You can't use a cup.

- That's fucked on so
many levels, Ricky.

I don't even know what to say.

- Alright, boys, this is gonna
freak you out, but in Brazil,

in Brazil, there's a
Brazilian wandering spider.

- Yeah.

- It bites you, you get an
uncomfortable fucking boner

that lasts for hours. Did
you know that existed?

- I did not.

- What do you mean
an uncomfortable boner? Like it's just?

- It's fucking, it's
hard for so long

that it gets, it
starts to turn painful.

- I can't imagine
that ever happening.

- I was thinking the same thing.

- What do you think?

- So wait, what's it called?

- A wandering spider that
wanders around, and blech.

- Yeah, he's wondering if
you need a boner or not.

- That's what he's wondering.

- Cause he'll give you one.

- He might, well, if it's
painful, it must be like,

just throbbing. He probably
added a half inch on there.

- Well, I'm not, I'm telling
you, man, he's a fucking prick.

Look at that gnarly
fucking thing.

- There's a way to
make money, Bub.

- Does it need to bite
you on the wiener,

or can it bite you anywhere?

- I could bite you
anywhere, man. It's just.

- Start bottling those
up and sell them.

- Yeah, but I was
thinking of that.

But man, I don't like spiders.

- Should be called
the Viagra spider.

- Must be a way to
get his magical liquid

out of him without
him biting you.

- Yeah. He could probably like,

- Put in a capsule.

- All you'd need is
a pair of tweezers.

- To do what?

- Little bit of spider lube.

- But you're not gonna
jack off a spider man.

- No, I don't think
instead of the.

- It's out of the fucking teeth.

- You can jack off Spiderman.

- I didn't say that.

- No, he must have
fangs. Does he?

- He's got fangs, but who wants
to deal with these things?

- No, but there must
be a Fang, gland.

- The fuck?

- But that's a
lot of money, man.

- But they already
sell Viagra and Cialis.

- It doesn't give you an
uncomfortable boner for hours.

No, it does actually.

- Cialis does.

I've heard.

I've never taken it.

- All right. I can't do anything
with this internet, man.

We gotta try, can't we
jack into like, fucking,

- Hey.

someone else's

- What was that snake you
were telling me about, man?

That sounded fucked.

- What snake?

- He bites you and he
makes your blood boil.

- Oh, yeah.

- Or not boil, but freeze.

- Cocksucker. He's
down in Costa Rica.

Eyebrow Viper. Eyelash Viper.

- [Ricky] Yeah. The
yellow eyelash Viper.

- [Bubbles] He bites you.

- [Julian] Yeah.

- [Bubbles] And it turns
your blood to that.

- [Ricky] This.

- Jelly. Oh yeah, yeah. I've
seen yeah. You can take it out.

- Yeah. You're dead in 30
seconds. No turning back.

- Didn't they show if it was
a thing of blood and they put

some of this.

- They put some of
his juice in it,

and then it just
turned into that.

- Coagulates it and then.

- They just blobbed
her out on the table.

That's what it
does in your veins.

- Little fuckers.

- That's what it
does in your veins.

- Imagine, they must feel
pretty tough, though.

They're like, alright bud. You
wanna fuck with me, do you?

- I'm gonna turn you, you
into jelly in a second.

- Prepare to fucking
painfully fucking die.

- Jellify your blood.

- I wish I had, that'd be a
great superpower, wouldn't it?

- Jellify your blood?
What would his name be?

- Yeah, that's a tough one.

- Je-Lo.

Like, J-Lo.

- I gotta have a nap,
boys. I'm telling you,

I can't, I'm done.

- I'm napping first.

- No, I'm getting.

- Nobody's fucking napping.

- Are you kidding me man?

- I got the couch.
[laughing triumphantly]

- Oh, God dammit.

- I'll get the fucking
chair, I guess.

- You can snuggle up with
me if you want, Julian.

- You're gonna miss the
fucking chicken pancakes.

- Here man, I'll snuggle

- No, I ain't. No, my
feet need to go there.

- Look at that
little cute couple.

- My feet feel nice on
your wiener, Julian.

- Bubs, get it off my
fucking wiener, man.

All right, I'm done.

- All right. Good night.

[relaxing mood music]

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