All language subtitles for Trailer Park Boys Show s03e10.eng

- [Narrator] Warning.

The following program contains
really coarse language,

weed, alcohol
consumption, smoking,

and sexual (talks gibberish).

This content may not be
suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big go
(beeps) yourself button

on your remote control.

(gentle piano music plays)

- Super power, what
are you doing man?

- Just looking at
the fucking lines.

The aerodynamic lines
of the 787 Dreamliner.

- How accurate do you
think that is, man?

- Oh, I think it's
fairly accurate to scale.

- Except for the fucking
landing gear's fucked.

- No look, that's proper.

- I don't know, the wings seem
awfully skinny right there.

I would want a fatter wing.

- Bubs, it's fucking toy.

(Ricky exclaims)

- Jesus Christ, kidding me?

That's Mo's fucking plane.

He just fucking destroyed it.

- I didn't mean to
fucking destroy it.

- All right.

- You can't have anything nice.

- Jesus.

- Here man, it can
go back together.

- He's gonna be home
in about 40 minutes.

- Oh fuck.

- Put this together.

- You blew the wings
right off of it.

(both laugh)

Yeah that's funny.

That's hilarious.

Oh no, she just clinks back,
just clinks back together.

- Don't worry about her.

- Why did it take me so
long to put this together

if you guys did it that quick?

- Ricky, how long
did it take you?

- Two hours.

(Bubbles laughs)

But I think I had to make this.

(Ricky coughs)

- Ricky, it's just, look,

I'm not even looking
at the directions.

It's just, there's
slots and things.

- (coughs) Maybe
that's the problem.

You shouldn't look
at the directions.

- Well, why would you need
to look at directions?

There, I fixed it.

Okay.

- That's fucked how
easy that seemed to be.

- That took you two hours?

- Well, I think I had to
maybe build this part.

- What were...

Did you use tool tools
and stuff to build it?

Like screwdrivers and shit?

- Don't remember.

It was a blackout put together.

- Well, it looks good now.

- Yeah.

Oh, except for that
little missing part.

- Yeah, you wouldn't want
that to happen in midair.

(Bubbles chuckles)

- I seen one of those on Mayday
where something ripped off.

This whole back section came
off in the middle of the air,

and they didn't
fair out too well.

- No, if this comes,

you can't fly without
this vertical stabilizer.

You're fucked.

- How come a bird
doesn't need one?

- Because he doesn't, he's
not fucking jet, Ricky.

- All right, so Bubs, the fuel.

The fuel's in the wings, right?

- Correct.

And there's a central fuel tank.

But most fuel's
carried in the wings.

- What kind of bird would
have to fucking get sucked

into this jet to
take the thing down?

- Not much of one, a chickadee.

- No.

Well, not this one, Ricky.

- The Canada geese?

- A chickadee would do fuck all.

- Canada goose would just get
mulched to fuck in that thing.

- What about an emu?

- An emu.

- That's a big
fucking bird, man.

- That could be a problem.

(Ricky laughs)

His body's about
that big around.

You might...

You might,

but I mean the engines
on this cock sucker,

they're 10 feet in diameter.

- Did ya hear in China
that they were fucking,

before people were
getting on the plane,

they throw coins into the jet,

'cause they thought
it was good luck?

- Oh, brilliant maneuver!

- That's not a
smart thing to do.

- They were doin' it, man.

- Oh my God.

If I was getting on a jet

and I saw a little fucking
person throw a goddamn coin

into a fucking jet engine?

- That's what happens.

Some guy did it, these, these
guys fucking tackled him.

Took him down to the ground,

gave him the elbows
and knocked him out.

- Oh it's good luck.

Here, let me just
throw a fucking,

let me just throw a fucking
piece of iron in there.

An iron bar for good luck.

(plane wheels whir)

Okay Ricky, it's just the...

so you can play with it.

- Is there a...

Oh, is this is
battery go into there?

- No.

No, it's a wind up toy.

- Here, lemme just...

I'm gonna get a wing in the
fucking teeth here, boys.

- Fucking thing.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.

- It can go back together.

He can figure it out.

Don't smirk.

- Okay.

(Julian sighs)

- All right, let's
start this maybe.

- So what do you got
cooking over there, man?

- I got some hot dogs.

- [Bubbles] Oh, when
did you put them on?

- These started cooking last
night and then I passed out.

Help yourself.

- Ricky, you can't just set
hot pan right on your table.

Burn your fucking table.

- Now I did make
these for breakfast,

but I think they might've got
overcookered a little bit.

- [Julian] They
got overcookered?

- [Ricky] Yeah.

- [Julian] What is it?

- [Bubbles] Those are nice.

- It's that company that
makes the cheese pasta.

- (speaking simultaneously)
Kraft Dinner.

- Yeah.

- Those are nice dogs.

Got any mustard, Ricky?

Little dip,
- Ya know what?

- Little mustard
dip would be nice.

- My brain doesn't remember
what's in my fridge

from one day to the
next, so just a minute.

- So this is kinda lame.

You just made wieners
and fucking...

- Not only do I have
mustard, ya know what boys,

I can't make fucking gourmet
meals every goddamn week.

It takes planning.

- [Julian] You know what?

That's where you're wrong.

You can.

- Well maybe you can
make gourmet meals.

- We're gonna make something
gourmet right now, Ricky.

Fuck this, Bubbs.

Don't, just chop
these things up.

- Just wait now I'm eating mine.

- Well, I'm not
gonna touch yours.

Here, just chop these things up.

You got a fucking
knife or something?

- [Ricky] I doubt it.

- [Bubbles] He can't
use a drumstick.

- [Julian] It's
working, isn't it?

- All right, we're gonna
chop the fucking wieners.

- Ricky, he's using
your nice drumstick

to chop up the wieners.

- Here, I got this.

- Jesus, man.

- Don't cut your
hand off with it.

Does it get, you got any more
fucking pull on this thing?

- Fuck!

No, my god.

- [Bubbles] Boys, be careful.

That's a fucking electric knife.

(knife grinds)

(Ricky sings goofily)

- Don't be fucking
doing that, Ricky.

You're gonna end up

cutting somebody's fucking
finger off here, man.

(knife grinds)

- You know, we've been
getting a lot of mail

about your beautiful
kitchen show, Andy.

- Oh, the kitchen show, I know!

It's 'cause it's
awesome, Mr. Lahey.

And I've got some good
stuff prepared for today.

- [Jim] What do
you gotta do today?

- All right, we're gonna
do it here right now.

Right now on Randy
and Mr. Lahey's show.

This is Randy's kitchen portion.

We've got the gut
apron getting put on,

'cause you never know

when you're gonna get shit
on your gut, Mr. Lahey.

- [Jim] It's nice.

- This is what you do, okay?

- Okay, here we go.
- All right, so.

The first thing we're
gonna do is really easy.

Come on over.

You're gonna love
this, Mr. Lahey.

Now, how many times have
you guys been in a rush?

(Mr. Lahey thuds on couch)

Mr. Lahey, Easy!

- What?

It's okay, Randy.
- Easy, easy.

- How many times has you
been in a rush for breakfast?

Well this is the easiest
breakfast in the world.

You grab some good
sugared cereal.

You just pour it
in a cup like that.

Okay?

Here, that's yours, Mr. Lahey.

- Oh yeah.

- Don't eat the bread,
that's for something else!

Here, and then you dip this in.

Like this, you pour
that cereal in,

and this is the, your
favorite breakfast. Mr. Lahey.

You take some Irish
Cream Liqueur,

and you dump that in,

and you dump some
of that in there.

- Little bit more, Randy.

- Just a little.

That's it, that's it.

And then you get a
spoon, Mr. Lahey.

Here you go.

- Spoon. (sings quietly)

- Spoon of it.

And there you've got your cereal

with your dairy right there.

(Jim laughs)

Good, that that's for the
fast, if you're in a rush.

- (continues singing)
In a delightful way.

- It's crunchy.

It's good.

- I love it, what kind
of cereal is that, Randy?

- This is, it's, I don't know.

(speaking gibberish)
or something.

Crooshy captain.

- Okay, now!

The next thing we're gonna
make is something very special.

This, we're gonna make
some French toast,

but it's very special
French toast, Mr. Lahey.

It is French toast made with
Irish Cream instead of milk,

okay?

You just crack
your eggs in there.

- Can I try one?

- Yeah, here you take that.

(bowl clatters)

- Okay Mr. Lahey, good one.

That's good, chuck it in the
garbage right on the end.

No, not in the
toaster Mr. Lahey!

(Mr. Lahey laughs)

You just crack the
eggs open like that,

you get a bunch of eggs in,

and then you take
your Irish Cream,

and you pour a little bit
of that in there like that,

and get your fork,

and you get it, and
you give it a whisk.

Okay?

Whisk her around, make sure
the yolks are all broken up.

See, Mr. Lahey?

this is how I do it for you.

All right?

Wick it all around,
whisk, whisk, whisk!

And then it's done,

you get your temperature
set around 250,

300 on your griddle.

You take some butter,
you just take that,

you just chuck it on.

See?

And just makes it nice.

Okay gotta turn
it up a bit more.

Then you...

Mr. Lahey, you're not
supposed to eat the bread.

You put that inside, you just
dip the, dunk the bread in,

and then you put
it onto the grill.

- Is that just straight egg?

- [Randy] That's the...

- [Jim] Straight egg?

- [Randy] The egg and the,
the Irish cream, Mr. Lahey!

- Oh, you put the Irish
Cream in there too!

- This is a liquor breakfast,
just the way you like it.

You just chuck it all
in there like that,

soak it all around,

and then you cook it for
probably about two minutes

on each side.

You wanna make sure it's
nice and brown, right?

Now, Mr. Lahey, so we
don't have any lulls,

man, that's really greasy stuff.

Okay, so no lulls.

I've already got
it all prepared.

Mr. Lahey, for call off!

(Mr. Lahey laughs)

Okay, here.

This is your plate.

- Okay.

- There you go.

And here is-

- Oh, you made some!

- The finished
product right there.

No, no, wait, hey, you
gotta put some of this.

- Oh! (laughs)

(singing) Oh, Randy my manny.

- Little bit of that, couple,
I'm just gonna have one,

I think this way.

And that's all you do!

You use the Irish cream
on there as syrup,

and you just fold
it, and then you...

- Best breakfast ever, Randy.

(Randy groans)

(both chew)

- Randy's kitchen.

The best meals, anyone,

this whole thing probably
only cost maybe $5,

it's just because of
this stuff's expensive.

- When are you gonna make
liquor ball sandwiches, Randy?

- Someday.

- I hope so.

- I'm covering breakfast
today, Mr. Lahey.

- Do you know what the
segment we have next, Randy?

A brand new segment?

- What?

- No... (sighs)

Frig sakes, Mr. Lahey.

(horn blows unsuccessfully)

- It's called the
new toy segment.

Every week, we're gonna teach
you how to make a new toy.

Now my favorite toy
is this model airplane

that you make out of paper.

And I'll just show
you how to do it.

You just fold the
paper over like this,

and then you fold the
paper over like this,

and then you do, you do
this, throw that like that,

something like that.

And then you do
something like this,

and then you do
something like that,

and then you do...

This is a specific, you
gotta do that like this.

And then you have your
own fucking F30, CF35,

$50 million piece of shit
is what you got, Randy.

- [Randy] What are
you making, Mr. Lahey?

- Watch this, Randy.

This is fucking incredible!

Perfection!

- So I got another call to
come down to the jail to,

to deal with one of
Ricky's medical conditions.

I'm not gonna get as
worked up this time,

because last time, you know, we,

he told me to get down here.

He couldn't talk
to me on the phone,

and I thought he had,
you know, the big C,

and all it was was he thought
he was shrinking to death.

- So what the fuck's up, man?

- I don't wanna talk about
it until Bubs gets here, man.

I wanna talk about it in person.

- What are you doing
playing with hair?

Well, that's part
of what's going on.

It's a long fucking story.

- Whose hair's that?

- Apparently it's mine.

- What?

- Apparently you start growing
hair in different places

when you get older.

Did you know that?

- [Julian] Yeah, everybody
starts growing hair, man, but...

Was that on your back?

Fuck.

- [Julian] Hey Bubs!

- [Bubbles] Hey.

Hey, boys.

Hey Ricky.
- Hey, Bubs.

Listen I'm trying not to get
worked up like I did last time,

so is it nothing life
threatening, please?

- Well, we don't know that.

That's why I fucking
wanted you to come here.

I couldn't talk about it
over the phone because they,

they record the calls and
it's kind of embarrassing.

If people found out they'd
probably fucking tease me.

- [Bubbles] Okay,
so just, Ricky,

I'm trying to fucking
stay calm here.

Are you dying or
what's happening?

- I don't know, I
fucking hope not though.

- Well, what?

Tell me, just hit me with it.

- (sighs) Remember how...

Have you ever told
when you get older,

you start growing
hair in weird places?

- Everybody does, your
back, everywhere, man.

- Yeah.

- Is that what this is?

You got hair growing
in weird places?

- Yes.

- Oh, thank Jesus.

Thank you, Jesus,
merciful Jesus.

- Boy, that's a good thing?

- Well you're wondering if
you got like fucking leukemia,

or your fucking liver's
gonna fall out, yeah?

- Fucking hope-

- So you got some hair grown
in your ears or something?

- Yeah, I got hair in my ears.

- Well, who gives a fuck?

- And my nose.

- Don't care, Ricky.

That's a fucking, that just
means you're working, bud.

- Okay, well... (sighs)

- What?

- Just see this hair here?

- [Bubbles] It what, yeah?

- Guess where that was growing.

- I don't know, on your back?

- Terry's head?

That called a Terry's
hair, isn't it?

- Inside my ass.

- [Julian] What?

- I wiped my ass,

and then something was
pulling and tugging,

and I'm like, okay,
what the fuck is that?

And I kept yanking on it
and it hurt quite a bit,

and it came from deep in like...

- [Bubbles] Ricky?

- I dunno if it's
growing in my, my guts,

or what the fuck is
going on, but that-

- That hair was growing
inside your arse?

- Yeah.

What does that mean?

Am I got my gonna die?

- Ricky, you mighta just
swallowed on a Terry's hair,

and it was like trapped
in there, and it,

when you pulled it,
it might have been,

I can't believe I gotta
explain this to you.

It might have been
wrapped around something.

- No, it felt like it
was fucking attached.

Like it hurt.

- [Bubbles] Like how
deep are you talking?

- Well look at the length of it!

And it was only about
an inch sticking out.

That's a good fucking
12 incher at least.

- [Julian] How many feet
is your intestine, Bubs?

- It's feet, like six
feet for your large,

and more than that
for your small.

- Now don't be
smelling it man, fuck!

- Ricky, why would
you, so you saved it.

So I drove, let's
just be clear here.

I drove down here
trying to stay calm,

thinking you mighta had
a terminal illness again,

and you've got a 12 inch hair
growing from inside your arse.

- So this is not turtle-able.

I'm not gonna die from this?

- No, man.
- I wouldn't think so,

Ricky, you're not.

- Okay, well that was
only problem number one.

Problem number two is
a little more fucked.

- What is problem number two?

- Riddle me this.

Is this is this fucking normal?

- Ricky, you're not...
- What are you doing?

- Oh my...
- Ricky...

= Ricky, I can't see what
you're doing and I don't-

- See this?

- Oh yeah, he's got it out.

- Now, see that right there.

Down in the piss hole.

Do you see that sticking out?

- Rick...

- What the fuck is that?

That's a hair, isn't it?

What's, what's he doing, Bubs?

- He's...

Ricky's...

Oh my Jesus.

- Oh fuck this hurts.

I'm gonna pull it.

So is it,

is it safe to pull this
fucking thing out or what?

That's what I wanna know.

'Cause it fucking hurts.

- What the fuck is he doing?

- He's got a hair hanging
out of his piss hole!

- [Julian] What?!

(indistinct)

- Ricky, just yank it.

Unbelievable.

(Ricky grunts)

- Ricky, oh my...

- Holy fuck, that hurt.

- Jesus H. Christ!

- That came outta
your piss hole!

- What the fuck is
going on with me, Bubs?

- Hey that's, that's not normal.

- Ricky, did you go to the
fucking doctor in here?!

- No, I was fucking embarrassed.

I don't want them checking
up my cock or my ass.

- Okay I don't even
know what's going on.

I'm gonna have to go...

I'm gonna have to go
fucking Google this.

You've got 10 to 12 inch hair
grown out of your orifices

from deep inside.
- Is there any more?

Is there any more?

- Ricky, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

- I don't want-
- Julian!

- I'm not, Bubs, it's good-

(Julian groans)

It's good to see you Bubs, I'm-

- Just take a look!

- I'm not taking a look.

- I just wanna know is
there more hanging out.

Just have a quick look,

see if there's any more
hanging outta there!

Look right here, I'll
spread my cheeks.

You see?

- Yeah, there's a couple
more hanging outta there.

- There's more
hanging out, he said.

- Okay Ricky, I don't
know what to tell you.

It seems awfully weird
that you got hair growing

from deep inside ya.

- I hope it is just
Terry's hair, man.

I don't want to
die from fucking,

just turned into a hairy person.

- You're not gonna fucking die.

Okay?

It's just a hair problem.

- I don't know, well,
look at this too.

- Look at what?

I'm not looking at your
fucking head of your cock.

- No, the shaft!

Look at that!
- Okay,

it's coming up the shaft.

I mean it's normal to have hair
down here, but it is like...

- [Julian] Looks like a vine.

- Ricky...

- It's a good solid two
inches up my shaft too

on the bottom right now.

- I think two inches up the
shaft is normal for some people.

- That's, I, that's...

- It's unlucky.

- It's probably normal.

The, the 10 inchers
coming from inside...

Something's not right.

I'll give you that.

- It doesn't look
like pubes though.

It looks like, you
know what I mean?

- No, it looks like hair
that you would go get cut

at the salon.

- That's what I mean.

- Oh my God, I gotta
get outta here boys.

I'm gonna go ask-

- Let me know what the
fuck is happening with me.

- I'm gonna ask some doctors.

- Okay buddy.

Thanks, love you.

- Just don't tell anybody
or be showing it to people.

- Don't, get rid of
the fucking hair!

- Well here, take it!

- I don't want that shit!

Fuck off, Ricky!

Love you Bubs.

- All right, love you Bubs.

- Okay Ricky.

Keep an eye on it.

- Oh shit, I forgot to
put that away. (laughs)

All right, we'll
see you soon, buddy.

Love you.

(hockey stick clatters)

- All right.

Now for the birdie housey,

normally you'd use a fucking
compressor, little air nailer,

but somebody threw my
compressor in the fire,

and it fucking blew up.

Apparently they said it was me.

I don't remember,

so I think it was probably
Corey or maybe Jacob,

but take some wood.

You want a fucking piece
of wood about this big.

That's gonna be your little
bottom of the birdie housey.

Then you take a piece
of wood like this.

Don't even need a
measurement tape.

I mean, you could use one.

I can't find mine, so...

So you wanna cut
a piece of wood.

(saw screeches)

Fuck!

This piece of wood's
a little too wide,

so you gotta cut it
twice, which sucks my ass.

Try to line that fucking cut up.

(saw screeches)

There you go.

Now you wanna make another
piece the same fucking size.

So without a measuring tape,

you have to line
it up like this.

(saw screeches)

The saw starts
fucking you around,

just make sure you tell it
who's boss, which is me.

Fuck face.

(saw screeches)

All right, so once you
have these two things,

these are gonna be
your fucking sides.

You wanna put a
little angle on 'em.

We're gonna have a little
fucking slope roof birdhouse.

So take both your
pieces together.

(saw screeches)

Fuck!

This is a tricky-

(saw screeches)

There you go.

So there's your two sides.

You want one piece this
fucking long for your front.

Fuck off!

(saw screeches)

There's your fucking front!

You better fuck off too.

One for your back, so you
wanna line the back up,

(saw screeches)

and then one for your
little fucking roof,

that can be any length, so...

(saw screeches)

Throw that away.

(wood clatters)

And then what I like to
do is take, you know,

like a little blow torchy thing.

(mutters) Fuck!

What happened to my other one?

That was fucking easy.

This one's fucked!

You know,

I just make a little bit of
fucking burny action on there.

Kind of gives it a
bit of character.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Don't like this fucking torch.

Don't know what was
wrong with my other one,

but anyway...

Yeah, see how nice that looks?

The bird's gonna love
this, go holy fuck!

That's a nice house right there.

- [Ricky] I don't know
about this one, boys.

- [Bubbles] Ricky.

- [Ricky] I think
we took it too far.

- [Bubbles] Well, you
gotta heat it up, don't ya?

- [Ricky] It is heated up!

- [Bubbles] It is?

Why isn't the cheese melting?

- [Ricky] Oh, it's all
melted to fuck, man.

- Lemme see.

Oh, that looks decent!

- It doesn't smell great.

Not gonna lie.

- I'll taste it!

- Just put it in the microwave
for a little bit, I guess.

- Not in the pot, Ricky!

- Not in the pot.

- Ricky!

You don't put pots in
the microwave, do you?

Metal pots?

- I don't know don't you?

- Just...

- Dig in.

- Do you got a fork?

- I don't know if a forks gonna-

- Jesus, that's about as cheesy
as you can fucking get her.

- Oh yeah, that'll be all right.

- Doesn't get much
cheesier than that, boys.

- All right, are we gonna
start this thing? (laughs)

- No, I just wanna try this.

- Show me.

- [Bubbles] Just
wait, let me get a...

- [Ricky] I'm gonna
show it to the...

It doesn't look...

- [Julian] Pretty nice.

Kinda looks like beans
and wieners, man.

- [Ricky] With a little
hint of chocolate.

- [Julian] Yeah.

- No, you know what?

The hint of
chocolate, I'm not...

I'm gonna tell you,
it's not great.

- I didn't think it would be.

- Okay,

you don't make Kraft Dinner
with chocolate milk, then.

- Then the hint of chocolate
is not singing to me.

It's not bad.

It might-

- It's not bad, but...

- It might grow on you.

- I don't think it's going to.

- But it is distinctly
chocolate flavored.

- Yeah.

And it was maybe, yeah,
it's too much chocolate.

Fuck's sakes.

Now I gotta not eat breakfast.

- Oh, you know what, Ricky?

It's kind of growing on me.

It's kinda like a, it's
kinda like a dessert.

- It's fucking, you know what?

It is growing on me a
little bit, but it's weird.

- It is weird.

It's like it, it almost
tastes like maple syrup.

- Oh fuck, let's
put some of that in.

- Want some (indistinct).

- No, I think maple syrup
will make it really fucked.

- Apparently I've
came up with some,

some fun facts about
the sun last night.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Just mix that up good, Bubs.

That'll get rid
of the chocolate.

- It's whiskey.

- Just mix her up.

Yeah.

That's what a chef would do.

- [Ricky] Did he fuck it?

- Oh yeah, he fucked her.

(Ricky laughs)

- It's fucked?

- Well, it tastes like, yeah,
it tastes like whiskey now.

- Just gotta mix it up though.

- It's got a strong
whiskey flavor.

(calming music continues)

(motor purrs)

(birds squawk)

(all exclaim)

(voice whispers)

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