All language subtitles for Trailer Park Boys Show s03e09.eng

- Warning,

the following program contains
really coarse language,

weed, alcohol consumption,
smoking, and sexual references.

This content may not be
suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the 'go
fuck yourself' button

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(calm music)

So, what you got going
on over there, Ricky?

You're cutting up
some wieners, right?

- [Ricky] Yeah, I'm
doing five at a time.

- It's pretty good, man.

- This is really something.

- So what do you
guys wanna talk about

while we're making
this fucking dog cakes?

- Did you wash
your fucking mitts

before you cut into those?

- Everything's
washed, disinfected.

- You were just scratching
down at your jewels

a little while ago.

- Nope, my jewels are perfect.
- Like down the track pants.

- Haven't touched my
jewels since last night.

- You've been itching
your nuts a lot, Ricky.

What's going on?

Why're your nuts so itchy?

- Just 'cause it's spring.

- Is that when
the bugs come out?

You wake up-

- Your clothes are fucked up.

You're still wearing clothes

that are a little
too warm for spring,

so you get a little
action going on down there

and then you gotta
jerk shit around.

- When do crabs
start coming out?

- Right about now.

- What do they do?

Like where do crabs go?
- Crabs come out with ticks.

- They what?

- They come out the
same time as the ticks.

- The crabs come out-
- What in the fuck

are you guys
talking about, boys?

- There in the same
family, I think.

- Like, fucking, when
people get crabs...

When you do some
banging, you get crabs.

- Folks don't come
out with the ticks.

- Some does.
- Where do they come from?

Man I'm getting itchy
thinking about that.

- Or maybe it's
the hummingbirds.

Something comes out with
the ticks, I don't know.

- [Bubbles] A hummingbird
couldn't have a tick, could it?

- Yes, man.

- I don't think
ticks give a fuck

what they're munching on to.

- A hummingbird
could have a crab-

- On his little
hummingbird wiener.

- Well, no, on his body.
- Fucking cock-sucker.

- I'm not sure.

I don't know what
they do, but they-

- What are you doing, Ricky?

- [Ricky] Just cutting
up a bit of onion.

- [Julian] This is
taking it to a new level.

I've never had onions in
fucking pancakes dogs.

- I should've had
Slap Chop here.

I should've brought
my Slap Chop.

- Ah man, I'd bang
one of you guys

for a Slap Chop right now.

* Hey, It's Vince
with Slap Chop *

* Got his own

(Bubbles scats)

- [Ricky] Didn't he die?

- Vince from Slap Chop?

- On a plane or something?

- I don't believe so.

- I think he was all banged up

on drugs or something
for a while.

- Oh, yeah, he was
on crack, wasn't he?

- What?
- He was on the crack, man.

- Slap Chop guy?

- He was slapping
away on the crack.

- I don't know, I kinda
think it was somebody else.

- Ah, don't say that.

- I don't know man,
maybe it wasn't.

- I don't like to hear...

Are you thinking about
the other infomercial guy

that drives the boat
with the door in it?

He died.

- Did he die on a plane?

- I don't think
he was on a plane.

I think he was on
one of those boats

with the door cut in it.

- Yeah, he had heart
problems or something.

Slap Chop, he got into
something dirty, man.

Let's look it up.
- Slap Chop, dude.

(Ricky laughs)

- What's his name?

Vince.

* Hey, it's Vince
with Slap Chop. *

- Vince with Slap Chop.

- That remix was one of
the best remixes ever done.

- Okay.

- Slap Chop remix.
- For fuck's sakes.

Why do onions make
you want to get sad?

- They don't make
you sad, Ricky.

They just make your eyes water.

You're still happy.

- I'm not happy
right now, I'm sad.

- Onions are making him
sad, not just teary eyed.

- I don't want to
be here anymore.

- Ricky.

- What are you
talking about man?

That's not what they do.

They make you cry.

- They make your eyes water.

- There's nothing to
do with being sad.

- You're still
happy, aren't you?

Or no?

- Not really.

- Are you sad because
your eyes are watering?

Because that's different.

- All right.

- What's this?

- That's cheese.

- Fromage, as they
call it in Spain.

- Ooh, I like a bowl of fromage.

- I got a lot of
too many knives.

- You were pretty prepared.

- And I didn't see those.

I used the shittiest
fucking one.

I used this fucking
shitty little steak knife.

Fuck.

All right, just go
about your business.

- [Julian] All right.

Vince was arrested on
felony battery charges

in Miami last month

following a violent
encounter with a hooker.

(Ricky laughs)

- [Ricky] That sucks.

- Yeah, he gave
her a 1000 bucks.

- Poor hooker.

- [Julian] After she
propositioned him for straight sex.

- [Ricky] She propositioned him?

(Ricky chuckles)

- Do you wanna do some banging?

He was like, "Fuck, yeah,
here's a 1000 bucks."

- I thought maybe she stole
a Slap Chop or something.

- No, man.

No.

- Okay, now we're fucking
getting somewhere.

Let that do it's
little dirty work.

- What do you got
in there, Ricky?

Just the hot dogs?

- [Ricky] Just frying
up the hot dogs-

- [Julian] Onions.

- [Ricky] And the onions.

- So, explain to
me what happens.

- You guys like pickles?

- You cook hot dog
bits and onions?

- Do you want pickles?

- I like pickles.

- Yeah, make 'em small, man.

Cut them up in small pieces.

- See, we need a Slap Chop.

- You don't want them too
big in the fucking pancakes.

- Remind me to get a
Slap Chop next time.

- Okay.
(Ricky laughs)

- We'll find the Slap Chop.

What the fuck's that
thing right there?

- Slap Chop.

- I could build a Slap Chop.

- What's this?

What is this?
- It's scissors, man.

- I saw that and
just had to have it.

- Oh my god.

- [Ricky] Isn't that awesome?

- [Julian] Serious fucking
scissors right there.

- Could that ever
take your fingies off.

- [Julian] Amongst other things.

- What, Ricky?

- Oh, what was her
name, The Dobbit?

- Ah, your wiener,
he's talking about.

- That would not be good man.

- Ricky are there more hot dogs?

- Yeah.

- Let me see one.

- Right over there in
the hot dog package.

- Oh, why do you got to do this?

- Just imagine.

Look Julian, that's you.

- Okay.

(Bubbles laughs)

Oh, boy.

- Put those things away.
- Get that away from me.

That's Danger Bay.

Do you remember Danger Bay?

- Yes, I remember Danger Bay.
- That fucking show.

- I don't think I've
ever watched an episode,

but I remember it.

- Do you remember-

- They used a float plane
or something, didn't they?

- Danger Bay?

- Yeah.

- They might have
had a float plane.

- I don't fucking know.

Nice work on the
fucking pickles, man.

- [Ricky] I don't think
we're gonna go too crazy

with the pickles man.
- [Julian] No, man.

You don't want too
much pickle action.

- Ah, you could have cut
them up with the scissors.

- Mother fucker!

- What?

- Spilled one.

- Okay, leave it on the ground.

Don't put it back up there.

All right.

- What's that maneuver?

- Holy fuck!

- What?

- Those are pretty spicy.

- They're not spicy, are they?

- No.

- They're called Damn Spicy.
(Ricky laughs)

- Fuck, man.

- Maybe we won't put these in.

- No, just wait now.

I love a spicy pickle.

- [Ricky] Wow.

- I love me a spicy pickle.

- You get the fuck cooking
up, you fucking ass.

- Turn that motherfucker
up higher, man.

- [Ricky] Spicy?

- Those are spicy.

(Ricky laughs)
- Jesus, boys.

- And I'm happy you have
all joined me today.

And I want you all at home

to immediately listen to
everything that I say.

I want y'all to covet
thy neighbor's wife.

I want y'all to steal
from your neighbor.

I want y'all to listen
to the word of me,

Ricky Brown,

and know that word
is coming from

the almighty his or herself.

I want y'all to pick
up a kitchen knife.

I want y'all to go threaten
someone that make you mad.

I want y'all to take your money

and gamble it down the slots.

I want y'all to
go to the machines

at the 7-Eleven or
wherever the fuck they are,

and I want y'all to
click that thing all day.

Don't even go home
to your family.

Don't even give money

and go to the grocery
store and feed your kids.

I want y'all to be alcoholomics.

I want y'all to fight.

I want y'all to sin.

Hi, I'm Ricky Brown.

That wasn't really me.

That was the devil.

But I bet for a minute,

you thought that Ricky
Brown was behind all that.

And he was, but
not theoretically.

But, I was just
making an example

to show you the
devil is all around.

The devil is here.

And sometimes you see the
face of someone you love,

but that face has a mask.

The mask of Satan,

or we're taught the
mask of the Devil.

The makeup of hell itself.

Caked on that shit.

Red and blurting.

The warts and boils
of sin bleeding out

and pussing out along
the cheek like mascara,

but its all covered up.

It's that easy to be tempted.

That the Devil sometimes
doesn't show his true face,

but it's the words of the Devil
that you must see through.

And Ricky Brown's
here to expose that

because the world of sin

is like one big
mother fucking ocean,

and we're all
drowning in the ocean.

And once we start drowning,
niggas start panicking.

They clawing each other,
kicking each other,

and trying to breathe
under water and shit,

and you can't breathe at all.

No, no, no.

You're bubbling
up to the surface,

and as you drawling down,

and the light of God is
disappearing from you,

and you sucking down,

then the Devil...

Throw me the mask again.

Where the mask, again?

And while you sucking
down, down the water,

the Devil down here like this,

and he laughing at you,

and he clawing, and
he say, "I got you."

No, your love must
be the life jacket.

And your faith is the
buoy that keep you up.

And you tread that
motherfucking water

while the Devil come up to you,

and he's trying to
grab your ankles,

like Jaws and shit.

You kick that motherfucker
clean in the teeth.

And I want everybody
to float in that water,

tread that water until
you see the bright light

and the helicopters
of God coming along.

The helicopters of
heaven rescuing you

and dropping that
ladder from Heaven.

* And with that
ladder from Heaven *

* Drop that rope
ladder from the Lord *

Yeah, we drop that rope
ladder from the Lord,

and you climb up inch
by motherfucking inch.

And you grab the rung and
you climb yourself up,

and the Devil stuck in
the water like this.

And he drown and you kick him

one last time for good measure.

And you watch that head
go bubbling back down.

And you know...

Shit, sorry about that.

You know that you gonna be
saved and you all right.

Just make sure you cling
on to the ladder tight,

because if you fall back,

that helicopter
ain't coming back.

The hypothermia hell
is waiting for you.

But the heat of the helicopter
of God is whirling up above.

Sound like this.

(taps microphone against chest)

Oh sorry I mean to...

Ah, shit, that don't work.

Let's pray.

- Murder's pretty much
fucking legal in jail anyway.

- Hey, stop, what are
you talking about?

Settle the fuck down.

- Just, can you grind
like a toothbrush

at the end of it
off or something,

I can jab him with that.

- I'm not making
you a fucking shank.

- Why not?

You want to kill Lahey, too.

- Oh, yeah, I did.

But I'm not going
to fucking kill him.

- He deserves to
die, he needs to die.

- Yes, he does, but let
him die his own way.

We're not doing it.

You kill him in here,

you're gonna be in here
the rest of your life.

- [Larry] What are you
talking about killing, Ricky?

What's going on?
- You can't do that.

- Larry, I told you turn
off the fucking camera.

No one's talking
about killing anybody.

We're just fucking talking
about toasters and shit,

you fucking idiot.

- [Larry] Okay, sorry, boss.

- Just settle the fuck down.

- Is that fucking
camera still on?

It better fucking not be.

If you show any of that shit
we were just talking about,

you're fucking dead, too.

Not that anyone else
was going to be dead,

but you'll be dead.

- Would you just
settle the fuck down?

- Boys, I gotta go.

Bubs, please.

Cafeteria, 6 o'clock.

He's probably gonna
be there with us,

and if I can just
walk over and say hi,

and just go, "Hey, buddy."

(imitates stabbing noise)
- Ricky!

- Just something like that
would feel fucking awesome.

- What?

You're not gonna shank Lahey.

- Well, then let me
bonk him over the head.

It probably won't kill him.

- Fine, bonk him, but
don't fucking shank him.

- All right, perfect.
- Not with that.

- Do not give it
to him with that!

- [Larry] Not a
possibility, Ricky.

- I'm coming Larry, fuck!

Cafeteria, Bubs, please.

I need something.

- Yeah, okay.

- I love you guys.

Fuck off.

(door buzzes)

- What's wrong man?

- You gotta talk to him.

He's not listening to me.

- He doesn't listen
to me either.

- Well, you're
better at talking.

- He wants me to build
him a fucking shank.

I'm not building him a shank.

- You fuck heads don't
seem to get it, do you?

You're not following me around.

I'm not doing a
stupid interview clip.

Maybe I want to kill
Lahey, maybe I don't.

None of your fucking
business, all right?

But I'm not doing
an interview clip.

What are you gonna do?

Sue me?

Get me thrown in fucking jail?

I'm in jail, dumb ass.

So, I'm not fucking
scared of you.

So, fucking leave me alone.

- [Camera Man] No,
we just figured

we'd give you a chance
to say something, bud.

Because around the jail, the
word is you're afraid of Lahey.

- I'm afraid of Lahey?

No, I'm not
a-fucking-fraid of anybody.

And Lahey's gonna get
what's coming to him.

I'm gonna fucking kill him.

Well, I mean not
gonna dead kill him,

but if he does get dead, it
wasn't 'cause of fucking me.

But I'm gonna do
something to Lahey.

Bubbles is working on
something right now.

And maybe you might want to
be in the cafeteria later on,

maybe you won't.

I don't know, it's up to you.

But I'm not fucking
a-scared of Lahey

and you guys didn't trick
me into saying this shit,

I just said it
because I wanted to.

I'm not gonna kill
Lahey, probably,

so fucking leave me alone.

- What's the timeline on this?

- I don't know, I'll work on it.

- End of the day,
end of the day.

It's gonna be the end
of the day, right?

- I can't do it by
the end of the day.

- Repeat after me.

I can do this by the
end of the day, Julian.

- Just 'cause you make
me repeat something

doesn't make it possible.
- Just repeat it then.

- It doesn't make it possible.

It's a lot of pressure.
- All right.

- Just leave me alone and I'll
work on it as fast as I can.

- And you'll have that done
by the end of the day, right?

Please?
- I'll try my best, Julian.

- All right, thank you.

That's all I wanted to hear.

All right, good luck man.

If you need any help,
just tell Larry.

Maybe he can come get me.

- [Larry] That's gonna cost
you extra there, Julian.

- All right?
- Yes.

- All right, thanks bud.

- You have to understand

that if you hang with
a bunch of shit hawks,

you're gonna be
a fucking shit...

Birds of a shit
feather flock together.

That's the maxim.

That's rule number one.

Second one.

You gotta consider
nurture and nature.

That's what you
have to consider.

Whether 'tis nobler,
nevermind that shit.

Just think about it.

Rule number two.

Shit apple does not fall far
from the shit apple tree.

You gotta look at your
genes and genetics.

You gotta look carefully.

You can get a fucking test
for 300 bucks or something

that'll tell you you're
part this, you're part that,

you're part this, and you
got a propensity for this,

and you're gonna get lile
lumbango when you're 72

'cause every fucking
male in your family did,

and that Aunt too, she
was a little weird.

Anyway, razor blades,

that's what we're fucking
talking about here,

ladies and gentlemen.

It's fucked.

Think about the price
of razor blades.

How much does it
cost to make one?

A half a set of cents?

You're making a fucking billion.

Kidding you not.

Let me just tell you.

This is an experiment
I actually tried.

If you go into the dollar store,

and you get a pair of
sunglasses for a dollar,

and you look at where
it's distributed from,

Burnaby, B.C.,

and you go on your...

And you fucking go
on the fucking line.

Excuse me, I'm having a
little bit of a liquor surge.

You know, there's a new
way to treat alcoholism.

They give 'em a
drink every hour.

One little drink.

And people get back on...

(speaks incoherently)

And their able to
raise their families.

Don't laugh at 'em.

When you think about it,
it's not powder intuitive.

It's something
that all of us know

in our deep heart of hearts
where our shit line is,

and that's the third rule.

Never cross the shit line.

Ever.

Anyway, here's what
I wanted to tell you.

All serious.

I wanted to tell you
about the idea that I had.

(speaks incoherently)

(piano music)

No problem.

You know what?

You know what a pneumonic is?

You know what a pneumonic is?

Bet you fucking can't
spell pneumonic.

Why?

'Cause the Oxford Dictionary
spells it with a P-N-E-O, who-

E-U.

P-U.

That's fucking Randy's
favorite expression nowadays.

P-U.

It's 'cause I made him
go into the septic tank.

I wrapped him up
in fucking garbage,

these boots all fucking
taped with magic tape.

Anyway...

- [Ricky] Oh, yeah,
they're looking good, hey?

Move these two
fuckers over there,

bring the ones that needs
some heat over here,

- [Julian] Good call man.

- [Ricky] You need to get

some fucking heat
management going, man.

Why in the fuck
would the grill say,

"Hey, over here, I'm hotter?"

- Well, probably you
have this burner on

underneath it, still?

That's still on, you dummy.
- Oh, shit.

That's what did it.

- Turn that off.

- Fucking Jesus.
(Ricky laughs)

- Bubs, you don't
want to know man.

You don't want to touch
this thing though.

- I had a double grill going on.

This was heating
up and so was that.

- [Julian] You're gonna
melt the fucking plastic.

- That's why these guys
cooked up so quick.

Maybe it's a good thing.

We don't know, we don't know.

- [Bubbles] We
don't know for sure.

- Oh, shit.
- [Bubbles] What?

- Look at that.

- There you go, maple syrup.

- We got some
chocolate syrup, too.

Maybe you want some
chocolate on to her.

- No, I don't.

- [Ricky] Okay.
- I want maple.

- Remember that time?

What did Tom Green put
on his fucking spaghetti?

- Chocolate sauce.

- Chocolate sauce.
- With lobster.

- And lobster.
- Fuck, that's gross.

- That was a weird
one, I tried it.

- Yeah, lobsters
and chocolate sauce.

- A Boeing 787 can fly 10,000
miles on one tank of gas.

- Yeah.

- That's crazy.
- That's a lot, man.

- 787 Dreamliner.

- Go around the world,

you'd only have to
fill up how many times?

- 10,000 miles?

You could make it almost
all the way around.

Two tanks, you go right around.

- That's crazy.

(Bubbles burps and laughs)

- You've been on a
Dreamliner, did you know that?

- Nope.

- Yep, we were on one two times.

- Did we dream?
- When?

- Boeing 787 Dreamliner,
we've been on them.

- You're fucking
shitting me, man.

I was never on a Dreamliner.

- You were on a
Dreamliner, my friend.

- [Ricky] Do you dream more

when you're on one
of those, or no?

- The Air Canada ones?

Do you remember the windows
and there's no blinds,

but you push a button
and it just turns black?

That's the Dreamliner.

We were on it.
- It was the 787 Dreamliner?

- Yeah, man.

- 787 Dreamliner.

- Didn't they stop making
those fucking things, 'cause-

- No, it's brand new, Ricky.

- Yeah, I thought they
were done with them.

- I don't think so,
but there was some talk

that some people at
the Boeing factory

were saying they not great
with the leaving wrenches

inside the fucking
engines and things.

- Yeah, that's not
cool man, fuck.

- No, you don't
want to be flying

with a fucking wrench in
your jet engine, believe me.

I've dropped enough wrenches
into enough jet engines.

- It would make
it easier to fix.

It's just right there.

- Bubs, you can't just blurt
something like that out

and expect to get
away with it, man.

- [Bubbles] What?

- You've thrown fucking
wrenches into jet engines?

- I've dropped enough
wrenches accidentally

into enough jet engines to know-

- Who's fucking jet engine?

- Different ones.

Let's see, I've worked
on different jets.

- [Julian] I'm calling
bullshit on that one man.

- [Ricky] Did you ever
work on Jack Travolta's?

- [Bubbles] No.

The Snowbirds, I
worked on their jets.

- No, you did not fucking work-

- The Blue Angels wanted me.

- [Julian] They
wanted you to what?

- [Bubbles] I was at a air show

and the Blue Angels
heard that I was there.

- Fuck, come on.

- [Bubbles] And they wanted
me to look at the engine.

- Bubs.

- And I looked at
it and I tripped,

and I dropped the wrench in,

and blew the fucking
arse right out of her.

- You're such a
fucking liar, man.

- That happened.

- You've never worked

on a fucking Blue Angel
fucking jet before.

- Me and the Blue.

I know a lot of the Blue Angels.

- I think you weren't
working on the jets,

you were working on
parts of them maybe.

- In the cock pit.

(Ricky laughs)

That's what you were doing.

- No, I didn't drop a
wrench into a Blue Angel.

- You were in the cock
pit, cocking around.

(Ricky laughs)
Grabbing the gear shift.

- I'll dump a bowl
of cheese on you,

and don't think I won't.

- Well, it's still
a fucking lie, man,

because you've never
worked on a jet.

- I never worked on the Blue
Angels jets, you know that.

- Yeah, no shit.

That's what I'm trying to say.

- I could though.

I could fucking pull the
engine out of a F-18,

drop a new one in.

It's just hoses and
fucking ball bearings.

- [Julian] I know, I know, Bubs.

- [Ricky] Could you build one?

- No, I couldn't build one.
- Oh.

- [Julian] What if
you had all the parts?

- I mean, I could build
a close facsimile,

but I can't promise
it wouldn't explode.

- I think one of these

might be fucking close
to being ready for some.

- All right, Bubs.

You tell me what the fuck that-

- So, this is a hot dog pancake.

- Pancake.

- No, it definitely needs
maple syrup, not ketchup.

- No, I'm throwing
ketchup the fuck on it.

See, I'm even eating-
- You got a bowl, Ricky?

- Thanks, man.

- [Ricky] What kind of a bowl?

- A bowl and a fork would be
nice, so I could properly-

- You know what?

I have all that stuff, but
I don't know where it is,

because what happens is

I let all my dishes get dirty...

- I keep telling you,

use one drawer for all
your forks and knives.

- I know, but then
when it's empty,

then I forget which
drawer I used.

You know what I mean?

- You got forks in every
fucking drawer in your house.

I found forks in
your sock drawer,

for fuck's sakes.

- What else do you need, man?

- A fork.
- Right here.

Just eat the thing
like a hot dog.

- No, I want to try some
different condiments on to her.

- Ketchup's the way to go, man.

- I'm gonna try
maple syrup, first.

Pour some of that in there.

- [Ricky] See that?

I'm on the fence.

I think either
one might be good.

- Definitely ketchup, man.

Ketchup.

- [Bubbles] Cut up my...

- [Julian] Well, that's a
good fucking pancake dog.

- [Bubbles] Dog cakes.
- Dog cakes.

Wait 'til you fuck
these over, Ricky.

You know what these taste like.

- What do you thinks better?

Ketchup or fucking maple syrup?

- Ketchup, man.

- That's a interesting...

- The maple syrup's nice.

- Here.

- Believe me.

- Put some of that
shit on there.

- All right, I'll try both.

- You try a bit of
ketchup now, Bubs.

You gotta change what's
going on in your brain.

- You know what you should do?

You should mix ketchup,
maple syrup, 50-50.

- You know what I
think you need to do?

You need to decide

if you wanna feel like you're
eating breakfast or lunch.

- Or lunch.

I'm totally in the lunch mode

and this is delicious, man.

- If you're in lunch mode,

then yes, you would go ketchup.

If you're in breakfast mode-

- Ketchup's not too fucking bad.

- Ketchup's good, man.

Go into lunch mode.

- All right, I'm going
into breakfast mode.

- Two different things
though, isn't it?

- Mm-hmm.

- [Julian] Maple syrup's better?

- Maple syrup, way better.

- Oh my fuck.

- Way better.

Ketchup, not.

Doesn't compute.

- I'm eating ketchup.

That's why I started eating
these fucking things.

- Ah man, maple syrup's
fucking good on those.

(Ricky chuckles)

- A pancake is supposed
to have maple syrup.

- I just never pictured
a fucking pancake

with pickles and
onions and wieners.

- Oh there's pickles in
there, too, isn't there?

- And cheese.

With cheese.
- I forgot about cheese.

- These are fucking great, boys.

You know what?

We should eat these every
Wednesday night or Friday night.

- Good call on the pickle pigs.

(all laugh)

- Pickles pigs.

They should be renamed
to pickle pigs.

- Dog bake or dog cake?

- Dog cakes.

- Dog bakes.

Pickle pigs.
- Pickle pigs.

(Ricky laughs)

(calm music)

(boat engine roars)

(birds caw)

- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

- Jesus Christ.

(intense music)

- [Narrator] Fuck off.

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