All language subtitles for Trailer Park Boys Show s03e03.eng

- [Narrator] Warning!

The following program contains
really course language,

weed, alcohol consumption,
smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be
suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the go [beep]
yourself button

on your remote control.

[bright upbeat music]

- As long as I don't need
a fucking degree for this,

I found my job.

- You're calling.

- Here we go.

- Planned research, write
romance novels,

additional activities include
answering correspondence-

- [Man] Writing romance novels?

- Conducting business
transactions,

dialogue with agents
or publishers.

- Okay, Rick.

Okay, here's the scene. I'm
gonna set up a scene for you.

You're with a chick, right?

This is in the romance novel
that you're gonna write.

- Yeah.

- And you're gonna make out
where you're in the car.

So let's just you describe to me

what you're gonna do in
a romantic way.

- Did she start it or
do I start it?

- Well, you gotta tell us.
- You gotta tell us.

- You gotta tell us, man.

- Lay out the most
romantic scene.

- You could be at a drive
in theater or whatever.

- Where would you set it?

- nWhere would it take place?

- And is there an armrest
or is it a bench seat?

- Whatever you want.

- Whatever you want, man.

This is your romance novel.

- I think bench seat.

- Okay.

- Okay, this is good.

This is gonna be great.

- Bench seat in a car?

- Yeah.

- With leftover Chinese
food, I guess maybe.

- All right, put us there, man.

Describe what's going on.

- Ricky's eating the
food and feeling good.

Just when he thinks
nothing's gonna happen,

he's gonna go home alone again.

She reaches over, puts
her hand on his thigh.

- Okay.

- And then what, and then what?

Keep it going, man.

- I'm there, I'm all in there.

- I'm in the car, then
watching this movie.

- Then Ricky got a
blistering erection.

- Blistering.

- I don't know, I have
to think about the words

so that it's more romantic.

- Okay, keep it going.
- I can do this though.

- No, no, no, keep it going.

- Keep it going, Ricky.

A blistering erection,

describes that part very well.

- Do you think you'd
say erection or boner?

- Erection is more romantic.

- There was a sudden rush
of blood to his penis.

- Okay, no, that's good.

- No it's good, Ricky.

- Sounds really romantic.

Okay, what else?
- Romantic and scientific.

- What else happened?

Then what did you do?

- Realizing that he had
no protection with him,

Ricky tried to cool
things down a little bit.

[all laughing]
- What did he do, man?

[all laughing]

- He ate another chicken ball.

He tried to ignore the advance.

- This is good, man.

[all laughing]

- Okay, so?

- And what happened
next after that?

- Then what happened?

I'm getting into this movie.

This movie is great.

- Go for round two to try again,
or?

- She moved her grip up his leg.

[all laughing]

All right, maybe I
should find another job.

- I think you're
actually quite good.

- I could read this and
picture the story.

- I'm picturing Fabio in
there already.

- Look who's picturing Fabio.

You're not picturing like,
you know,

Charlize Theron or something
you're picturing Fabio.

- I'm picturing Fabio
wanting to be in the book.

- Sean Penn or somebody
like that maybe.

- Oh, look who's
picturing Sean Penn.

- No, I'm saying you'd
be picturing Sean Penn.

- There's another
one here called

erotic screenwriter.

- Okay.

- Okay, well, yeah,
you're good man.

- Write scripts heavy in
nudity and sex.

- That's basically
writing pornos.

- Oh fuck, you only get like
$4000 to $12000 per script?

That's a lot!

- That's some good cash.

- You could bang out a
script a day, couldn't you?

You'd be writing pornos, Ricky.

Who watches more porno than you?

So that scene that you
were just describing

in the romance novel.

Now rewrite that
scene as a porno.

- Yeah.

- And watch how much
easier it is.

- Can you give him like
some little porno music?

- See what he can do,
'cause he's really good.

- No, I wanna hear the
exact same scene.

You're in the car, some
leftover Chinese food.

Then what happens?

- They can't control their
hunger anymore.

Even as they're still
finishing their chicken balls,

they start the kiss
with chicken ball

going back and forth
inside their mouths.

[all laughing]

- Okay, all right.

- Yes, see, I've never
seen that in anything.

- Are you naked at this point,
or?

- No, that quickly happens.

- Okay.

- So now you're naked.

- Clothes are ripped off,

before the chicken
balls are even finished.

- Where's the chicken
ball at now, Ricky?

Is it getting passed
into other places?

- It's just fucking falling out

and it's just going
everywhere and no one cares.

- Why aren't you chewing
the chicken ball?

Why are you just passing
it around so much?

[all laughing]

- It's more about the sauce.

- Okay, the sauce. Okay,
what's going on with the sauce?

- Sweet and sour sauce is
just everywhere.

- Remember that movie-

- It's getting licked off
and brushed on

and licked off again.

- "Nine and a Half Week Style."

Do you guys remember that one?

- Yeah.

Is anything getting
dipped in the sauce?

In the big bucket of
sweet sour sauce?

- What would be a dipped there?

- Your wiener.

- Oh fuck, that's-

I never thought of trying
something like that.

- Well, maybe I'm
co-writing this with you.

- Okay.

- Awesome boys.

- Okay, so all of a sudden
this weiner goes in the

sweet and sour sauce.

Now what happens, Ricky?

- She's gotta find a way
to clean it off.

- How is she gonna do that?

- I would think with her mouth.

- Yeah, I get it.

- Yep, okay, porno.

- Guys, thanks for coming to
SSP, safe sexual practices,

very near and dear to my heart.

Do you know why?

I'm gonna tell you why.

Because very unfortunately,
when you guys leave here,

you have a very high chance
of either contracting an STD

or getting some man or
woman pregnant, right?

When I was a young fellow,

we used to party our butts
off all the time drinking.

We were up all night.

There was all kind of relations
with all kinds of peoples.

And there was no
protection being used.

If I could take the time back,
I would've protected myself.

It wasn't talked
about back then.

Now our job here is
to rehabilitate

these men in this institution

and they've gotta be
prepared for the real world

that's dangerous out there.

Now I'm just gonna do
a little demonstration

here on this banana.

This is called a
condom or a rubber.

I don't know if you've
ever seen one of these, but

you just gotta slide it
on, I'll show you how.

You just gotta get a
good grip your pecker,

and you put it on the
top like this, you see?

You squeeze the air out of
it and you'll roll it down.

Just nice and slow.

I don't enjoy it one
bit, it's part of my job.

And it's a dirty
aspect of the job

that someone's gotta
do, but I'll tell you,

I do it with pride and passion.

You don't wanna rush this,
right?

Get it done right.

You know, you count the
washroom stalls and the malls.

You talk, the campgrounds,
you talk about all the places

I met some beautiful
people and you know,

you can't help it when
you're young.

It's the passion inside of you.

And I just had many encounters,
anonymous encounters,

which I wish I could take back.

But that's what happens
when you're young

and full of piss and
vinegar, you're going for it.

Ah, anyway, see.

Damn it!

These bananas never work.

Okay, let me think here.

We're all buddies here.

So I'm gonna share a
little something with you

just between us, all right?

I haven't had anything
that I couldn't get rid of

with a little bit of help
from my doctor and some meds.

Clear everything up,
nothing too serious,

but we've all had
that happen to us

like three or four,
probably minor issues.

I'm gonna show you how
this really gets done.

And it's only gonna take a sec,

it'll be much more effective.

I think everyone's familiar
with crabs and chlamydia,

things like that sort of minor,

but then there's some major
things I've encountered,

you know, syphilis, gonorrhea,
all sorts of itchy things

that drive you a half
outta your mind,

itching and dripping all
the time, I don't like that.

You really get the idea of it.

We're always naked in here.

There's gang showers.

There's everyone's, it's
like a sausage factory.

That's the first thing.

So it's no big deal to
them that if I have to,

get myself standing straight up

and put one of those things on,

they see it all the time
and it's just,

just like in war with
the military,

you get as close to the
real thing as you can.

And anything else, it just
doesn't cut it.

Okay, now hold on.

So you get your knob
in your hand

and we're gonna try again now,

but when I put the
condom on properly,

it's gonna slide down just
like a slug on a wet leaf.

Yeah, look at that.

- [Man] Yeah, that's nice.

- It's gotta be used every
time, all the time, to be safe,

to keep your diseases
to yourself,

which is what I always say.

You don't need to spread
'em if you got 'em

you gotta keep 'em away
from other people

and not tell anyone.

And it just goes all
the way down.

Now, come on up.

And if you guys wanna have
a look or if you wanna...

Here, anyone wanna come
up and give it a try?

And you'll really get a
good grip on it.

Come on, come on.

Here we go, all right.

That's it, take your time.

We don't have to rush.

You know, I think today
was a huge success.

The guys, all it was a
hands on experience

and it was a little
surprised at just how quick

they were to jump into the fray.

But there was a lot of
excitement and energy and

everyone got involved and
was helping each other out.

I saw men who are normally
at each other's throats,

giving each other a
helping hand,

which I really, really liked.

- Okay, you do a little crack
Mr. Lahey, and you go close.

- Yeah.

- Close to the grill.,
you open it up.

It comes out in the pool.

- Beautiful, Randy.

- That's how you cook
the egg bird.

- I like those eggs.

- That's was great.

Okay now, here, Mr. Lahey here.

- Oh, my God.

- The secret to a
good cooking show

is having clean
grilling surface.

[Lahey laughing]

- Don't touch my...

So that's symbolic.

I fucking see him
right in there.

Look he's smile at me, Randy.

- This bun's done, Mr. Lahey.

- This buns done.

- We just put that one in there.

You put that on the
side right there.

While that's going, you
grab another bun like this.

Take it, you put it down.

You pop it down.

You don't need to do it.

[Mr. Lahey mumbles]

Look cheese is melting.

We got to turn the heat up
just like that.

Okay now, what you can do,
now that the bacon is heated.

You can take it and put it on
top of the cheese, everybody.

- Where the fuck else
would you put it?

- Well, Mr. Lahey, some people
put it right on the egg.

- Oh!

- So you just put it
right there.

- Great.

That's the European way.
- So now you've got cheese...

Ow, shit, what did you do?

- It's hot, it's hot, Mr. Lahey.

- I love your chickens.

- Okay, and while the
eggs are still,

you gotta let the eggs
cook a little bit

and then you get
your condiments.

So we got a tomato here.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- This is the food group.

- Move it along here.

- Mr. Lahey this is my show.

[indistinct yelling]

- We got big fucking show,
ladies and gentlemen.

- Well maybe if you
didn't start until

I freaking got here
for freaks sake.

This is a great, so you get
nice tomato slices, like that.

- Yes, you're good.

- And we got some lettuce

because this is the roughage.

Everyone needs a little bit
of vegetables in their lives.

I like more-

- That's limp.

You gotta get the nice,
like the good pieces.

- That's perfect.

- I covered one of these
for Halloween.

- So little taste test.

Yep, it's good.

- This lettuce compared
to that other lettuce,

that Romaine or
whatever it's called.

This is no
[indistinct muttering].

- They grow this on icebergs,
Mr. Lahey.

- Right, you can push
stuff on like

colorful salad oils, Randy.

- Okay, this is the very
important part.

- Yeah.

- Flipping the eggs,
they're very difficult.

Now, that's your egg, Mr. Lahey.

Your egg is fucked.

- Mine's nicer than yours.

- No, because you're
supposed to do-

- Mine has fucking character.

That looks like a fucking
egg anybody can make.

Any fucking diner for
2.99 breakfast,

but that fucking egg,
that's art.

- All right, Mr. Lahey,

you're getting this burnt
piece of toast.

- Hey, we have to save one
for our guests.

- Well, we're gonna make one.

Our last buns are going in
the toaster, right there.

- I'm gonna leave Randy
at his cooking show.

- No, you don't leave me.

- Oh yeah, I gotta move
on for this show.

Randy, we got a lot to
cover today, bud.

- Mr. Lahey, we're almost done.

- Okay, okay.

- Okay?

Please, well, you go ahead.

If you need more, I'll
continue cooking over here,

but I want be able to-

- Do you want to say
something to the fans?

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, that's overkill, Randy.

You don't have-
- Extra piece of extra piece.

- Fucking chicken bacon,
I think chicken bacon

sounds like a fucking oxymoron,
Randy.

Chickens, you know, if
you take a pile of feed

and you put it like Randy,
like this, [indistinct].

[Lahey laughing]

- You're a six outta 10, Mr.
Lahey.

For sure, for sure.

Okay, here it is.

This is it Mr. Lahey, I've
got your burger ready.

- Oh, I love it, Randy.

- I got it, you got...

This is gonna be a
great breakfast.

- Everyday.

- To start your day is the
way that everyone should roll.

Now, this is a very
important part, Mr. Lahey,

I gotta show them.

This here bun,

well, normally if you got
cheese on your burger,

you gotta flip the
bun upside down.

- Yeah.

- And then you put that
top part on there

so it doesn't stick.

And then you can put
your ketchup and mustard

and stuff on there, Mr. Lahey.

- Okay, I've invented a
new appetizer.

I like to experiment with them.

These are peanuts and lettuce.

Now if you have a little
shot of something

to put on the peanuts
and lettuce.

Randy, this is gonna be
fucking crazy.

- Mr. Lahey, don't go.

You're gonna ruin your dinner.

- Oh shit I got some
burning going on, Mr. Lahey.

[Lahey laughing]

Don't let it burn everybody.

We'll give this one
to our guest,

our guest gets that one.

I'm getting the good one,
frig him.

- Ricky Brown is here
feeling better than ever.

Sorry about that previous
ranting folks,

Duteronomy 23:1,

No one whose testicles
may have been crushed

or whose penis has been cut off,

may be admitted into the
community of the lord.

That's right.

He, that is wounded
in the stones

or hath his privy member cutoff

shall not enter into the
membership of the lord.

Ladies and gentlemen,

y'all need to have big
nuts to carry the word.

Don't be afraid to hang
your nuts out.

Don't be afraid to swing
your dick out.

That's what the lord
wants from you.

Ricky Brown slap a mother
fucker in the face with a dick,

he don't care.

Listen.

Have balls, people.

The lord's work is
not for cowards.

The lord's work is not
for a bunch of pansies.

Wear your tap out shirts,

wear whatever the fuck you want,

but bring your nuts in
your hands, y'all.

That's what Ricky Brown
wants all of you to do.

Even the women.

If you ain't got any balls,

put someone else balls in
your hand, maybe even mine.

'Cause that's what we do here.

We do what we do with
bravery in the lord.

Ricky Brown has been criticized.

Criticized for doing the things

that he has to do that
no one else will do.

Yes, Ricky Brown takes
money from others,

sometimes without asking.

But the lord tells Ricky what
to do and Ricky will listen.

Ricky, doesn't matter if people
gonna stone him to death.

Ricky, don't matter if people
gonna yell names at him,

because Ricky has the lord
and a set of large nuts.

Ricky will do whatever it
takes to work with the lord.

Ricky drinks for the lord.

Ricky led for the lord,

Ricky Brown eats for the lord.

Ricky Brown fucks for the lord.

Ladies, if you're listening,

Ricky Brown yells at
people for the lord,

Ricky Brown even goes
to prison for the lord.

Ricky Brown passes out
for the lord.

Even if the lord gave
him a condition,

he ain't particularly
pleased with.

[church organ music]

Large nuts, large penises,

membership to the lord.

Now that being said, this
is not to say,

if you do have testicular cancer

and your nuts had to
get cut off,

we will pray for you, just
don't come into church

'cause the Bible says you can't.

Let's hang our heads in prayer.

Lord, give us the strength,

that as our nuts swell,

as our nuts grow like hot
air balloons on our sacs

as we carry the word and
get strong every day,

that the millions of
little Ricky Browns

or whoever else you
carrying inside of you,

carry that word right with you.

Ready to impregnate the
entire world with your,

your, your, your strengths,
your love,

your, your, your, your...

Fill the blank on that one.

And what Ricky Brown plans,

for what Ricky Brown
will do for you

is Ricky Brown will
impregnate the word,

especially like this Bible
here, getting impregnated

and Ricky Brown going
to push out and push out

and boom, Ricky Brown's
little baby Bible,

born of the Bible.

That you could get from
Ricky Brown's website,

rickybrown.com or swearthat.com.

Ricky Brown's Bible

is an easy way to carry it
in your pocket.

All proceeds go to
testicular cancer.

And Ricky Browns
church of Lipman.

It's a notebook, but
technically it's a Bible

because you write your
own shit in it.

And a lot of the things

that I wanted to put
in it was copyrighted.

Thank you very much.

Ricky Brown's,
little baby Bible.

- The last execution by
hanging in the U.S

was on January 25th, 1996.

- What?

- 1996.

- They hung a bastard in '96.

- Fuck.

- Where at?

- Was it televised?

- The last execution by
hanging in the U.S

was January 25th, 96.

Doesn't say where.

Let's take a guess.

I'm saying Texas or Florida.

- Yeah, I was gonna say Florida.

- Where would they hang
a bastard in the 90?

- Bangor, Maine.

- Really?

- No, man. I'm just shitting
ya, I don't fucking know.

- Where was Clinton from?

- Who?

- Arkansas.

- Where all those
other crazy fucks?

Now I can't say their name
or I'll get in trouble.

Nevermind.

- You're not gonna get in
trouble, Ricky.

- Where the fuck was it?

- Where the fuck was what?

- I thought you were looking
up where he was hanged.

- No, no, no, I'm looking
at something else here.

This is really fucking crazy.

There's a woman that fucking
paints with her boobs.

Ha, she's making tons of cash

selling the fucking things.

It's pretty cool.

Wow, that's probably one
of his paintings.

- That's pretty good.

- Just to see if
people would buy-

- Would you just Google
where the fucking guy

was hanged in the 90s?

- For fucks sake.

- Fuck man, a lot of
people are wondering.

- Where was the last hanging
in the United States?

Like legal hang.

There's probably other people
have been hung, you know?

- Okay man, just a sec.

- January 25th, 1996.

- Okay, I got it, I got it.

No man.

May 1st, 2001.

- What?

- So OMG is wrong.

- What happened in 2001?

- Okay, just a second here.

Just a second, I'm fucking
trying to figure...

There's all kinds of shit
you gotta go through, man.

- Shouldn't be.

Should be one little thing.

Just Google it.

Just put in January 25th,
1996 hanging.

Type that into your thing.

- Billy Bailey.

- I'm not asking who it was.

Where?

- It was Billy Bailey man.

January 25th, 1996.

- Where?

- Delaware, mother fucker!

- Delaware?

- Wow.

- Isn't that where they
signed the fucking,

what do they got down
there, a constitution?

- Delaware.

- And he got to choose either
that or lethal injection.

- And he picked hanging?

- He said, "Fuck that,
hang me, mother fuckers."

- I think I would've went with-

- I guess if he has a choice,
whatever.

What were the other choices?

- Lethal injection.

- I've heard that
could go wrong.

The chair can fuck
you pretty bad.

- Oh, if you watch "The
Green Mile," it could.

Remember that?

- Yeah, that was fucked.

- They didn't put the
sponge in, the wet sponge.

And he burst into flames.

- Fuck, that would suck.

- That would suck.

- That happens though,
doesn't it?

- That shit?

- That's in the movies.

- Do a hanging...

Does it kill you quicker, Lee?

- Well, it snaps your neck,
like a twig.

- But is he dead then?

- I would think your
brain would still

be functioning though, for
a little while.

You'd be hanging there
thinking fuck!

- Like what is it,
like 14 seconds?

You're like walking
around like, holy fuck.

- Holy fuck, I'm dead!

- I am fucked.

- Really, 14 Seconds after
the little neck break?

- I dunno.

- What if you had a
super strong neck?

- Let's say, when they
just cut your head off,

that's when you'd be
looking around going, hey.

- Does it break your neck
or does it strangle you?

- Both.

- Both man.

I don't think it breaks
your neck every time

because some people would-

- Well it's supposed to.

- Some people would like
try to like fucking-

- Flex your neck muscles.

And it just fucking
probably bend the rope.

- The rope bends.

That's what a rope does Ricky,
it bends.

- You just see a big
path of rope

and then Julian lands
on his feet.

"I'm free!"

[calm music]
[birds chirping]

[indistinct chatter]

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