All language subtitles for Trailer Park Boys Show s02e05.eng

- [Narrator] Warning.

The following program contains
really course language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking,
and sexual inferences.

This content may not be
suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the go self
[beep] yourself

button on your remote control.

[tranquil music]

- I'm serious.

You need to shut the fuck up.

- Rick.

What's that gonna do,
kicking it?

- It fucking tells
it to shut up.

And then it's like,
okay, if I don't shut up,

I'm gonna keep getting
kicked, so maybe I better.

- And it actually worked well.

- Of course it worked,
fucking appliances.

They'll fuck with you
and act hard.

But if you with them back
hard enough, they'll be like,

all right, you're
fucking gonna win,

so I'm gonna back off.

That's what they're saying.

- No, Ricky.

Hang on now, You don't
think that appliances

think that when you
kick them do you?

- They have computers in them

that do all the thinking
for them, but yes.

There's all kinds of sensors
and shit we don't know about.

- But do you think it's
consciously going

oh that son of a whore,
he gonna kick me is he?

Like that type of thinking?

- Well, the fridge for example,

was making a noise and then
I went over and kicked it.

So I had to fucking take
all that information and go

fuck, what do we do here?

And while it was doing
it, it just kept running.

So by the time I figured it out,

I gave it a second and third
kick and then that right away

was like, okay, sense danger.

And it said, fuck shut
her down boys.

- So it's got sensors for that,
huh?

- No, but he thinks that the
sensors are thinking things.

- Think I know,
'cause he's fucked.

- Let's talk about
something else then guys.

- I'm not even gonna try
to explain how-

- Let's listen to all
the exciting,

wonderful things that
you guys have to say.

- No, I think this is
fascinating actually.

- Well thank you Bubbles.

- You think appliances are,

- Thank you Bubbles.

- so you think really if that
fridge had arms and legs,

you think he could up
and walk around

and think.

- If you gave it the option,
maybe it would, yeah.

- Oh my God.

- But that's why they probably

don't put the fucking
things on 'em.

'Cause we don't want a goddamn
real Terminator on our hands.

- Ricky, that is so fucked man.

That, I can't listen to
any more of this shit.

- I can.

- That's probably like,

and now with cars they're
putting all this

fucking crazy shit.
- So you think that fridge

is just one degree

away from becoming a Terminator?

It's arms and legs and a
few other things away, yes.

I mean, fuck, imagine
that thing coming at you.

- Yeah, serving you cold drinks.

- Open his door and
fucking wack you

as you're going by, all kinds
of fucking sneak attack shit.

Flood you with cold air.

- Rick, I mean, I don't
even know what to say man.

- Well let's talk about
something else then guys.

- I'm too fucked up to be,

I can't even process what
you're saying.

- You have to admit that
these are fucking good drugs

we're on these days.

- Well yeah but I mean,

you're talking about a fridge
turning into the Terminator

and I'm actually envisioning
the whole fucking thing.

- Now I am too.

- No, but that's how it starts.

What's gonna take over
the world is cars.

'Cause they're putting too many

fucking smart things
in them now.

The cars eventually gonna say,
okay,

I've got so much smart
shit in me now

that I don't have to listen
to you anymore fuck brains.

Won't even let you in.

And it can move around.

Once they start teaming up,
they can fucking run you over.

- They're not gonna team
up on you man.

- Fucking big dump truck shows

up to your house and just
takes the house down.

- That could, we should
write a movie.

That's what we should do.

Car, cars that take
over the world.

- Yeah, I kinda like it.

The transformers, something
like that kind of a deal

except they don't transform.

- Maybe it's already been done.

- They're not,
there's no way man.

- All right.

- I agree the cars are
fucked these days.

They need to start, we
need to have cars like,

you know, back in the eighties.

Those are the cars
you can work on.

- That's true.

- You know what I'm saying?

All these sensors and shit.

- Well maybe Ricky,

maybe there's something
to what he's saying.

Maybe they are thinking a
little too much, the sensors.

- See I'm telling you boys,

these drugs make you smarter.

- You're starting to
freak me out.

- They just get you paranoid,
that's what they do.

- These drugs are
making me smarter.

- I'm gonna keep my
head on a swivel

around those new fancy cars.

- I would.

- You don't have to
worry about that.

Holy fuck.

- I got a lot of fucking
money coming at me today.

Like some serious fucking cash.

'Cause you know, it's
not the easiest thing

to make good money in jails.

But being an entrepreneur,

taking the advice of Warren
Buffet, you gotta find the need.

And what I've got right
now is the need.

People need what I have
to fucking offer.

So I'm gonna capitalize on that

and make some serious
fucking cash.

- Fuck, this one's
leaking a little.

- Oh dear man.

Don't cross it over my arm
when I'm collecting money.

- Sorry Bob.

This a really good idea
you came up with.

Like how you fucking do it?

- Try not to fucking get
a fucking hole in it.

- You got any piss for
collection there Freddy?

- Yeah.

- Bubbles?

- Nope.

- I got a couple bags.

- Here I got 'em, I got 'em,
I got 'em.

- All right, gimme some cash.

- Hold on, I got one more,
one more.

- One more, Jesus Christ Freddy.

- Oh, you've been going hard eh?

- What the fuck man?

Show a little bling here.

All right, you want a fresh bag?

- Yeah.

- Bubs.

- What?

- You don't get any bags?

- Nope.

- What do you mean no?

- Nope, nothing Julian.

I've been holding it.

- Are you sure, I can loan
you the fucking money.

- I, it's not about the
money Julian.

I can't pull my unit
out and hold it

over a fucking plastic bag.

- Bubs, just here.

Take this one.

You'll get me back later.

If you need to use it, use it.

- I don't need to use it.

I'll wait for the
pipes to be fixed.

I have no fucking way
to prove it.

But if I was a betting man,

I guarantee you fucking
Julian plugged

those pipes on purpose.

Just to try to make few
bucks off people.

But a fucking heads up
would've been nice

because I am fucking
clogged solid here.

And I'm not the type of person

that can just pinch one
off in a grocery bag.

That takes a certain
type of person.

- What do you got?

Here, I'll grab her.

Here.

Oh, those are full.

- Fucking easy on the bags,
Darren.

- So I, I get rid of
them, I get 10%, right?

- You get 10%, yes you do.

- Sweet.

- All right, one hit.

Is this the strong stuff?

- No man.

[laughing]

[coughing]

- Good luck buddy.

- Jesus.

- He just spit in your car.

- Hey man.

- Did I?

- Don't spit on my car.

- Screwdriver.

Ricky.

Okay focus, Bubbles.

Focus, you got a job to do here.

Focus, stay focused.
- Fuck is he doing?

- [Group Member] This
is fucked up.

- Boys, what was I doing?

- Laundry.

[laughing]

- Haha, laundry's hilarious.

Put your clothes in the machine.

- What the fuck are we
supposed to do?

- We've got to get 22
bottles of crab shampoo.

Holy fuck.

- 22.

- All right you pinchy
little bastards.

It's the end of the
line for you guys.

- Oh no, no.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh my God, don't panic Bubbles.

Don't panic.

Oh my God, it's stuck.

It's stuck, it's stuck.

Oh my God, I can feel 'em.

Oh my God.

Help me get naked.

Help me get naked,
they're going for my bird.

- Fuck off.

- They're going for my bird.

- Calm the fuck down mate,
there's kids in here.

[Bubbles hyperventilating]

Calm the fuck down!

- All right, man.

You go get the shit,
I'm waiting here.

- No, no, no.

I had nothing to do
with the fucking crabs.

I'm not going in there to
buy that shit.

What if Lucy saw me?

- Fine.

Too big to do this shit, man.

- You've changed Julian.

- Shut up man, no I haven't.

- Can I help you find something.

Sir?

- Tooth, toothpaste.

And it's,

it's not toothpaste.

- Squish.

Fuck you clouds.

Squish.

- I fucked up.

You need to go in
there and get it.

I told you I can't be
seen buying that shit.

- Well here, put this on

and say I got bad
allergies or something.

- No.

- Listen, you're the one that
promised Bubbles, not me.

- Jesus Christ.

Fine.

If I'm gonna do this,
fucking doing it my way.

- What are you doing?

- Be right back.

[banging]

Everybody put up their
fucking hands and freeze.

Hello?

I'm not here to hurt anybody.

I want some fucking crab shampoo

and some of those pills help
make your feenus get bigger.

Move!

- Feenus?

- Fuck, what kind of [mumbling]

you don't know what a feenus is?

Move, move.

Hurry the fuck up Quincy.

- Here's your box of shampoo.

- And your pills to make
your feenus get bigger.

Look, we understand if you're
embarrassed by this stuff.

Lots of people are.

Just don't hurt us.

- Embarrassed?

I don't get embarrassed.

The shampoos from my friends

and the pills are for my
fucking daughter,

you lab coat dummy.

- Just take that.

- Don't fucking move.

[sirens wailing]

Cops, fuck.

- Get us outta here.

Fuck.

- What the fuck.

I guess it wasn't for us.

- Shouldn't touch me.

'Cause you're gonna get
things on you.

You're gonna regret it.

Telling you they're gonna
be crawling all over you.

Fuck's sakes.

- I'll show you to make
another bird feed.

Take your little
drink bottle here.

Take your drill.

You wanna get some holes
in this fucking thing.

Fucking thing.

- Fuck off.

All right, so you get a little
perch in there like that.

You have one on each side.

You can actually put four
through there,

but you wanna keep it like this

and you wanna cut a
little hole right

above a little thing
for the little birds to

stick their fat fucking heads

in so they can get at
the fucking seed.

Fuck off.

So a hole, I don't know, kind
of like that so you can just.

Different birds get
their different

types of heads in there.

Some birds have fat heads,
some have skinny heads,

some have little beaks,
big beaks.

Some of 'em can't
even fucking fly.

So they're gonna have
trouble getting up here.

Well, a piece of plastic fell
in there, but it's pretty big.

I think it's too big for
a bird to eat.

So we're just gonna
leave it in there.

Normally your thing wouldn't
be all covered in peanut butter

and shit, but I don't
have a fucking sink

back here to get cleaned up.

And maybe you could fucking

put one of those in
at some point.

Fucking idiots.

All right, so once you
have that thing built,

you wanna take your little

fucking funnel device so that
seed doesn't go everywhere.

And you start pouring.

Okay, well that didn't
work as good as I'd hoped.

'Cause the fucking,

fuck's sakes.

So that's not
working out as well

as it probably
normally would but.

You could build a funnel with
your hand actually like this.

It's working pretty good.

No, it's not really.

Fuck.

Jesus Christ.

Actually, yeah.

It's probably easier to put
the seed in through the bigger

holes and just, just
figure that out.

See I'm even I'm
getting learned on

getting learned with
Ricky today.

Got little tricks you can
fucking do with the bird feeds.

All right, so that's
pretty good right there.

I don't know what
fuck the that is.

But a bird you could see,

you could perch down on this,
like this

and go, hey, look at this shit.

Put his little head and beak
in there and go peck peck

and fucking get stuffed.

- Ladies is the gentlemen.

We're pleased to have
you here today

as I bring you the
word of the Lord

straight from the mouth
of Ricky Brown.

Ricky Brown.

Motherfucking naked
for the Lord.

Listen, lot of times we wake up

on the wrong side of the bed.

And we're ready to slap
our neighbor in the face.

We don't wanna do that today.

No we don't.

We want to welcome our
neighbor into our house.

Especially if they
bringing some free food.

That's besides the point,
come on into the house.

Invite your neighbor into the
house today because loving

our neighbor is today's lesson.

Shit man.

Shit.

That's all the time
we have today.

I'm Ricky Brown,

I wanna thank you for joining
us on the uplift [murmuring].

Please join us next week when
we have a new organist and a,

mother, Goddamn this shit man.

Ricky Brown sometimes
gets a lot of

compliments and a lot
of respect for how he

respects and accepts
other people.

But the way Ricky Brown sees
it is it came to him while

eating the bowl of fruit loops.

You know, many times I
didn't really,

I didn't want to eat the
green fruit loops in the bowl.

And I would pick out
the green fruit loops.

And I realized that I spent a
lot of my breakfast time just

picking out green fruit loops.

And it wasted my whole morning.

And I realized it that's
much like life.

I don't wanna pick out the
green fruit loops all the time.

Or my whole mornings
will disappear.

If morning was life, then my
whole morning will be gone

spent on picking out a fruit
loop instead, you know,

once they went soggy with milk

in them it all tastes
the same anyway.

It's just how you look at them.

So Ricky took that bowl
of fruit loops in there.

Now he eats the Cheerios.

Says the Cheerios is all
one, one size and one shape

but it's all the same thing.

And I realize now I don't even
need to look at the Cheerio.

I just eat them.

And that's how Ricky
Brown feels about people.

Most people anyway.

Unless you fuck with
Ricky Brown,

Ricky Brown won't treat
you like a green fruit loop

and pick you outta the bowl.

He'll put you in the
palm with his hand

and crush you to a fine powder.

[harmonica playing]

- That's the work all day song.

- Go Randy.

- Okay.

- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.

Let's do it.

- Oh, I work all day
in Sunnyville.

My walky by my side.

I'm picking up trash in
the playground,

then taking my bike for a ride.

- That's great, Randy.

- All right Mr. Leahy.

- Yeah.

- The Randy with Leahy
show sounds good.

- Okay.

- Now we're gonna do our
cooking segment.

Check this out.

I got everything going
right over here everybody.

I am cooking today
something very special.

Mr. Leahy you're
gonna love this.

Have you eaten yet?

- No Randy.

I've been waiting
all day for it,

to taste your
wonderful culinary.

- I love it.

Okay, so what I've done is
I'm cooking the Randy Bobandi

breakfast burgers right now.

Okay, now I
pre-cooked the burgers

because it takes a
little bit of time

to make sure that the burgers
are the right temperature.

I got my handy dandy spatula

with a little thermometer on it.

You just press it on meat
and you put it in and it,

you gotta make sure
your burgers are cooked

proper temperature, everybody.

Otherwise you'll get
that salmonella

or whatever they call it.

Salmon.

- We know him.

Sam, the caveman.

- Okay, it's going up Mr. Leahy,
115.

And once it gets up high
to the well done,

can you hear the sizzle.

- Shoot, can I listen?

Listen to this.

- Mr. Leahy don't get too close.

- Wait, wait.

You can hear the shit
sizzle Randy.

Burger time with chef Randy.

- This is it.

They're they're well done.

The thermometer says it's good.

So then what you do, you
get your burgers.

You cook. 'em nice.

You get a nice sear
on each side.

- Yeah.

- Like that.

- Everybody knows that.
- These are good.

These burgers are the best,

better than going to the
drive through Mr. Leahy.

Then you gotta take the cheese.

- Yeah.

- And you put the cheese
on each burger

and let it start to melt.

Now, I pre-cooked some bacon.

And this, Mr. Leahy,
turkey bacon.

- Is that?

- Two different types of meat.

- Why would you have turkey?

- Because turkeys-

- There's no fucking thing
as turkey bacon Randy.

- Turkeys make bacon.

- Turkeys make
turkey meat Randy.

Bacon's bacon.

- We just gotta heat that up.

Look, cheese is melting right,
nice.

Now you put your bun in
the toaster, okay?

And you turn it down.

You turn it down low.

You don't want toast,
you don't want

to toast the shit
out of the bun.

Then you get your eggs

and take your eggs out for
probably half hour first.

'Cause then the shell
will crack nice and easy.

Okay?

- Look, you just, here's
how you crack it.

- No, no.

Mr. Leahy, this is my
cooking show.

Don't, okay.

You do one, but be
gentle Mr. Leahy, gentle.

- Here's how they do it
in [mumbling].

Boink like this.

- You, you cracked the yolk Mr.
Leahy.

- I like mine cracked.

- That's your fricking
burger for frick's sakes.

- No it isn't.

- It is.

Here, no, give me this.

No no no, let go.

Mr. Leahy, you're too drunk
to be cooking burgers.

How drunk are you?

- Just a four out of ten for me.

- Talk about the man that drove

870 miles to get KFC
from Yellow Knife.

- 870 miles.

- [Ricky] Yep.

- From where to where?

- Somewhere in Yellow
Knife to get KFC

for his fucking
wedding anniversary,

which is kind of romantic.

I've done it before.

Actually I drove
further than that.

- When?

- I don't know, 10 years ago.

Lucy wanted fucking
chicken Christmas day.

I had to go to four provinces

before I fucking finally
found one that was open.

For some reason most of the
KFCs closed on Christmas day.

Like I would say a lot of people

would probably eat that
on Christmas day.

- Is that why you disappeared
on Christmas day that year?

- [Ricky] Yep.

- You didn't get back until
after boxing day, Ricky.

- No, it was a, yeah I was
gone two and a half days.

But I fucking got the
chicken didn't I?

- I didn't know you were
on a chicken run.

- 48 barrels.

- That's a lot of chicken.

- I remember wondering why
the fuck did he buy so much.

- I had to get an
extra deep freeze.

I had chicken for fucking
almost nine months.

- And it's in buckets,
not barrels Ricky.

- They're buckets of chicken.

- What did I say?

- Barrels.

- No, you can get, you
can get barrels now.

- At KFC?

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

- You can't buy a
barrel from KFC.

- I'm pretty sure you can.

The buckets are about that
high and it's got like 700.

- [Ricky] That would be
fucking awesome.

- 700 piece feast or
something it's called.

- Oh my fuck.

See, there's another great idea.

They should be sponsoring us.

- A barrel of chicken .

- Barrel of chicken.

$279.

- Can you imagine what the
chicken would look like at the

bottom of the barrel?

It'd be fucking-

- Crispy, you'd get extra
crispy parts at the bottom.

- It'd be fucking grease man.

- Nope, you'd layer it.

- Disgusting.

- You'd layer it with
recycled pizza boxes.

That might work a little
bit but I don't know, man.

A barrel of chicken would be-

- Barrel of chicken
would be awesome.

- How many pieces would it be?

- Oh, it would have to be.

- How many's in a bucket?

Bucket, there's what like 20,
24?

- 20, you can get a 20
piece bucket.

- [Ricky] Yep.

- Standard bucket.

You can drive 20 indoor.

- It'd have to be.

- It would have to be, oh,

it's well over a
thousand pieces.

- Oh man.

- [murmuring] over a
thousand pieces.

- That would be fucking awesome.

I bet you have to wait,
you couldn't go through

drive through and
pick up something

like that though I
wouldn't think.

- Fred Flintstones could.

But when they set it on
the car, you'd tip over.

[laughing]

- Remember?

Remember Fred Flintstones?

He was fucked wasn't he?

- He was fucked.

- Not as fucked as Bernie.

- Bernie was fucked.

Little short Bernie
with his big nose.

- Bernie kind of
reminds me of Randy.

Think about it just a little,
you know?

- Yeah, if you pulled
Bernie's little,

you know, jungle man top
down to there.

He had a big, you know,
boy like Randy.

- I don't really have much left.

- Oh yeah, I was gonna
have a little contest.

Okay, if you have a pencil.

- [Ricky] I do.

- You started drawing a line.

- Yeah.

- How far will that line
line go until it runs out?

The winner gets a
bottle of this.

- What?

- You have a pencil
drawing the line, okay.

- Yeah.

- How far until it runs out,
the pencil.

- Depends on the fucking
kind of pencil.

- Oh, for fuck's sakes Bubs.

It's a pencil, it's just
a normal fucking pencil.

- Yeah, but it depends if it's-

- How hard do you press it?

- How hard you press it,
whether it's a 5H or a 2B.

- Okay.

- Is it from the dollar
store or is it from?

- Is it a carpenter's pencil?

- Nevermind.

Nevermind, nobody gets this.
- Two miles.

- Nope, not even close.

- How far?

- I just wanna know 'cause.

- I don't give a fuck anymore.

I do not give a flying
fuck anymore.

- What's this stupid answer?

- I'm not telling
you the answer.

- Oh fuck, are you serious?

People gonna be fucking
pissed about that, man.

- Well, you guys wanna
be dissed, I'm done.

- Well, I'm not talking
about [mumbling]

- You know what it is?

It was a trick.

He doesn't know the answer
'cause it can't be figured out.

- I know what the answer is.

- The answer can't be
figured out.

- I know what the answer is.

- The answer probably
was depends.

Depends on all the
things we said.

So we got right answer.

- The right answer is 31 miles
or something like that, okay?

Those guys can suck it.

- Julian!

He's not gonna tell us.

[serene music]

[fish swearing]

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