All language subtitles for Trailer Park Boys Show s02e02.eng

- [Ricky] Warning.

The following program contains
really coarse language,

weed, alcohol consumption,
smoking

and sexual infer- fer- lenses.

This content may not be
suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big "Go
[beep] Yourself" button

on your remote control.

[tranquil piano music]

- I tried to get Rocky Balboa.

- See that'd be a fucking guest,

showing us some fucking
knockout moves.

- I did, I did. I tried to
call Sylvester Stallone.

- What'd he say?

- Oh, I didn't get a
hold of him.

You can't just call him up.

I just got on the internet and,
you know,

typed in "Sylvester
Stallone's phone number"

and one came up so I dialed it.

But I think it was a,

I think it was a porno
site or something,

cause it sounded like Rocky,

but he was saying dirty things.

- Like what?

- Like, "Hey, you looking
to get banged?"

Stuff like that.

So, I assume that was not-

- Well, it could have
been. Who fucking knows?

Maybe that's the way he
hooks now. Who knows?

- That's the way he hooks?

- Ricky, Sylvester Stallone
is not a male prostitute.

I hate to tell you.

- I think everyone's a male
prostitute for the right price.

- I've been a male prostitute.

- Yeah. We're fucking
fully aware of that.

- Pays good money.

- I don't even wanna
think about you

being a prostitute, Randy.
- Randy.

- What?

- Randy.

- It's going to Ricky and you.

Can he have some of that?

- I don't know.

- Well, I'm the guest.

You treat guests with respect.

- You should use a
fucking finger condom

if you're gonna have any,

cause I don't know where
that mouth has been today.

- A finger condom?

- [Julian] Just use a
finger condom.

- You put the fucking
joint in deep.

So you're just,

you're not touching the
actual joint.

Yeah, see? He knows
what a finger condom is.

I'm not surprised

- Ooh, Ricky. That's good shit.

- [Ricky] No kidding.

What do you think I'd be
smoking terrible shit?

- You got any extra
that I can have?

- We can talk about that after,
Randy.

Right now we're on the
big fucking thing

that sends us all
over the world.

No one gives a fuck
about you and your drugs.

- I got some money, but
it's back in my trailer.

- Okay. I got a question
for you, Randy.

- [Ricky] Who gives a fuck?

- [Randy] Yeah.

- What's the most money you've
made in one week of hooking?

While being Smokey.

- Oh, that's hard to say.

Cause I spent some of the
money on cheeseburgers.

- [Julian] Okay. Just how much
do you think approximately?

- I did really good.

Like, I probably made
about a hundred bucks.

- Wow.
- I'd Say.

- In a week?

- No, not in a week.

That was like a day.

Cause it's different days
are busier than other days.

- [Julian] And that's
seven days a week?

- Thanks, Ricky.

- Well, you can't,

it's too much energy to do
it every day of the week

and you don't wanna do
it, if it's storming.

- Do you kiss your customers or

you just get right to it?

- Holy shit, that's good.

- Boys, are you seriously?

This is seriously what
we're fucking talking about?

How much money Randy's
made hooking.

[Ricky laughing]

- Well, you know, maybe
he can work for us.

- Why are you so interested?

- Well, you take a cut.

You help him out, get him
some customers.

- So you're gonna be
Randy's pimp?

Basically.

- If the money was good,

he's gotta be more
motivated though, you know.

You'd have to work
seven days a week.

- I'm not doing it anymore,
Julian.

- [Julian] Eight hours a day.

- I don't have to do it anymore,
now.

- You basically just said

you would be open to
being Randy's pimp.

- For the right money, yes.

[upbeat violin music]

- About 2 billion people, across
the world, consume liquor.

A small percentage of those

fall into the
category of excess.

But whether you drink a
little or you drink a lot,

every drop of liquor
tells a different story.

[light-hearted orchestral music]

[soft piano music]

Good afternoon, ladies
and gentlemen.

Doctor of epistemology,
Jim Lahey, at your cervix.

Got my paper this afternoon

for online, I bought
an Apple class.

But today,

we're gonna have
another little talk

about a wonderful liquor.

All liquors are great,

some liquors are
greater than others.

Today, we're talking
about Limestone whiskey.

Now Limestone whiskey
is a bourbon.

And what makes a
bourbon a bourbon

is that it has to be brewed in
the United States of America.

Two years, it has to be
fermented or whatever,

fuck I don't give a shit,

but what happens is,

it's made from

limestone water through
the aquifers in Kentucky.

And I bet you, it was
called limestone first

and then fucking Snoop
Dogg came along

and they called it lime,
limestone.

I got that confused.

But this is, this is what,
this is a,

this is called porcelain.

And in 1975,

they had a whole bunch of

little porcelain things
that they made.

They had little collie
dogs like this

and they had everything
from Mickey Mouse

to firemen to cowboys,
all kinds of shit.

It was beautiful.

I collected most of them,

but this one here was a special
one because we had a dog,

Barb and I had a little
dog, beautiful dog.

I called it Gypsy and she
called it Cindy or something.

It was wonderful.

We didn't realize, she
got it for me

because I was having
trouble being uninebriated.

So, she thought that if
I had a friend,

that she knew about PTS, PS,
P-Tees-D.

PSDs, PT, sexually transmitted
diseases isn't, that's PTSD.

She knew about that
kind of shit.

And she knew to get me through,

I could, if I have a companion,
like that,

she bought me a dog.

Beautiful, smart, wonderful.

I used to cruise in
my patrol car.

She could solve,
fucking sniff here,

sniff there and tell me
the secret right in my ear.

Ha, anyway.

Barb and I,

we loved that dog so much and
we trained it to do all kind.

We won best of show,

1979,

with our beautiful dog.

And it was so incredible.

But the next

fucking day,

somebody in the park

poisoned our dog.

And the only thing I
have to remember,

we won this, best in show.

Doesn't quite look like her.

She was way better
looking than this.

Do you know what they call 'em?

They called 'em British,

our dog was called
British Rough Collie.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.

I couldn't sleep for days.

And I kept my little
porcelain doggy with me

and I'd just touch it.

And then one day I
discovered that right there,

there used to be an
award seal right there.

I touched it and it went broke

and it came off and
it was filled

with bourbon.

I hadn't had a drink
since I had the dog

and Barb was asleep beside me.

Dean Martin was on the
Johnny Carson show.

I mean, what could I do?

So I had a little sippy-poo.

Since then, I've, sort of,
escalated my proclivities

and I use a straw.

Cause a straw is much
more gentile.

And [sighs] That's when
I started drinking again.

And it's been 30 years

of bullshit, absolute bullshit.

Cause when you find a dog, if
you get a dog that you love,

you better hold onto that dog.

Tell you why.

Cause you'll never have
another love like that dog.

Woof, woof. [imitates
dog whining]

Remember Lassie?
Remember Lassie?

Yeah.

Woof, woof, woof.

"What? Little Jimmy's
trapped in the well.

Good, Lassie. Let's go."

[Lahey imitating dog barking]

This is Jim Lahey with
another dog story.

signing off for tomorrow.

[soft piano music]

[tranquil piano music]

- Okay, we're shooting a
little scene here

that involves some science.

Very precise measurements
need to be taken

so that nobody gets hurt.

That's how you do it properly.

- I don't know why they're
so worried about it.

We don't really. Who cares?

- What's he doing?

This guy's not very smart.

Hey, bud. Hey, bud.

Dick weed say what?

- Huh?

- Doesn't even know.

Doesn't even know I
called him a dick weed.

I don't even understand
really what they're doing but

looks very professional,

looks like a lot of people
know what they're doing.

What's this thing for here?

What's this for?
- A light reflector.

Watch it.

Woo.

- This guy here's
always on drugs.

He's high as a kite,
all fucking day.

Just walks around with that
thing, shining light on people.

There's a lot of
drugs on the set.

You can tell who the
really high people are.

Baked.

Baked.

Baked.

Not baked.

- [Bystander] Broken glass.

- Not baked.

Bets up, boys.

- Doritos? All right.

I got a Doritos.

- I'm going Doritos.

- All right. What kind of chips?

Yeah let's, do you accept that?

- It's my turn. Darren.

Darren.

What do you think about Darren?

- Darren?

Okay, let me think.

I'm gonna say,

I'm gonna say something violent.

I think maybe,

maybe stabbing at a bar.

- I'm kind of feeling the
same thing, something violent.

He's been in here for a while.

I'm gonna say like a
skin peeler.

A skin peeler.
- No, Ricky. There's no way.

- Like Buffalo Bill?

- Skin peeler, all right.

- He's not a fucking
skin peeler.

- [Bubbles] He's not a skin-

- Okay. What's your pick?

- He was at the Legion,
trying to get up stage,

fuck, to play his guitar,
he sucks.

Someone threw a ball at
him. He got in a fight.

- No. He's been here too
long for that.

- You want me to tell
you? Cause I fucking know.

- Okay.

- Word on the street is
he made, a counter fitter?

- [Ricky] No fucking way.

- [Terr] Fake money. Yup.

Just a little change, just
like nickels and dimes.

- [Ricky] I wouldn't
have thought that.

- [Julian] Nickel and dime
counter fitter?

- [Terr] Yeah.

- Unbelievable.

- Okay. So, nobody won that one.

- Just let that one ride?

- Let it ride.

- Let it ride, or do you
want to up it?

Do you want to up it?
You know what?

- I'm gonna throw a Goldfish
in, double or nothing.

- Okay.

I don't have a Goldfish,

but I'll match you with
a cheese and crackers.

- [Terr] How'd you guys
get so much shit?

- [Bubbles] Okay, boys, okay.

- Who's turn is it?
- Who are we on to?

Let's go,

I don't know.

Does anybody know
what Freddy did?

- [Terr] Pshh. I do.

- [Bubbles] I don't.

- [Ricky] Something
fucking dirty I bet.

Probably something sexual.

- Oh, do you think?

I'm gonna say,

I'm gonna say he was
up in a tree, jacking.

Looking in a window, jacking.

- A tree jerker?

- A tree jerker.

- I'm gonna say,

sexual assault with a weapon.

- I'm saying he tried to
bang his stepdad.

- Oh my God, fellas. Do
you think it's that bad?

I was thinking more,
just like a, you know,

something like he's down
at the old folks' home,

looking in the windows.

- You know what I heard,

when I was in the shower,
about Freddy?

I was in there listening with
my ears and he didn't notice.

I heard he was a grave robber.

So, none of you got it.

- [Bubbles] A grave robber?

- A grave-

- A grave robber, man.

- Digging them up and
then banging them?

- Yeah.

No, well maybe,

but that's what I heard
and cause, you know,

all the jewelry gold.
- I bet you he was.

- No way.
- He was banging dead people.

- I bet you he was, man.

- How come we've never robbed
graves. That's a good idea.

- No, it's-

- [Terr] There's tons
of dead people,

like fucking thousands.

- But they're usually not buried
with their fucking wallets.

- [Julian] Rings.

- [Terr] Rings and things.

- You're not getting into that,
Ricky.

For God's sake.

- That's two in a row,
we missed.

Let it ride or double up?

- [Terr] Okay, up the
ante, let's see. [laughs]

- [Ricky] Someone's gonna be
a big fucking winner here.

- Twinkie.

- [Ricky] Oh man, I'm not
throwing in a fucking Twinkie.

- I'll raise a Twinkie.

- I got it, here.

I'll throw in a fucking
Rice Krispies square

I'm not giving up my Twinkie.

- Oh, I love those.

- All right.

- I love those.
- Where were we at?

- Okay. What about,

what about Billy?

I don't know what Billy did.

I'm gonna say something like,

I bet you it was, like, some
kind of a accounting scam or,

he's pretty smart, so I
don't think it was like-

- [Terr] Oh, you mean
like a white collar crime?

- I'm gonna say white
collar crime.

- Billy's a fucking priest?

- No, Ricky.

- [Julian] He's not.
That's not what he means.

- White collar means like a-

- Priest.
- Not, no.

Yes, priests have white collars,

but I mean like a bank-

- Is it illegal to be a priest?

- No, Ricky.

I'm talking about like-

- It never used to be.

- I think they just mean,
like, not a plumber.

- Ah, makes sense.
- It means like bank fraud,

money laundering, something
that takes your brain,

but's not violent.

- That's a good guess.

- I think white collar.

- I think pills, man, or meth.

You know, "Breaking Bad"
style, that other dude.

Jesse, what was his name?
- I'm gonna say,

you know what?

I'm gonna say, cocaine dealer.

He's got that look about him.

- [Julian] No, pills.

Going pills.

- I can tell you again.

People seem to tell me shit,

they want to confess to me.
- [Ricky] Come on, come on.

Give it to me.

- [Bubbles] Tell me
white collar.

- Nope.
- [Ricky] Come on, cocaine.

- Non-lethal murder.

- For fuck's sake.

- How the fuck is he
getting out soon?

- [Bubbles] That's
manslaughter, non-lethal murder.

He might have just-

- Doesn't even make sense.
Does it?

- Hit someone with his
car by accident.

- Were pills involved?

- I don't know, man. I
can find out.

- Okay. Well, maybe you
can find that out.

- No, no.

- So, who won?

- Cause if there was pills
involved, I'm fucking winning.

- No, we don't know.
- All right.

Well, it could have been cocaine
involved then I'm winning.

- I guess we ain't-

- Dang, boys. I'm down to
my last bag of Doritos.

- Holy fuck.

This is the biggest pot
we've ever had.

- This is a big pot.

- Someone's gonna win like
snacks for a week, here.

- This is the biggest pot
we've ever had.

- Noodles and
crackers with cheese.

- I'm not taking the
fucking noodles,

the crackers and cheese.

- [Terr] Those are rare.

- What?

They're not rare.

- [Bubbles] That's not rare.

That's not a rare item.
- I'll throw in the cheesies.

All right.
- Oh my God.

I wanna win this so bad.

- This is the fucking
whole shebang.

- After I win this,

I'm gonna have a fucking
party in my own cell.

- Who do we got left?

- [Terr] Well what about Beardo?

- [Bubbles] Justin,
what about Justin?

- [Ricky] Oh fuck. He's
a fucking stranger.

- I'm gonna say, poked a
guy's eyes in at the bar.

- [Julian] Poked a
guy's eyes in.

- [Bubbles] Yep.

- [Ricky] He's got a
bit of temper.

I'm gonna say he
fucking snapped.

What's it called when
you're drunk in public?

- [Bubbles] Public drunkenness.

- [Julian] Yeah.

- That and, or assault.

He got in a fight when
he was drunk.

- He's poked somebody's eyes in.

- No, I think road rage.

And he was drunk, DUI, man.

Few times, three, maybe
four or five times.

- Fucking bingo, man.

- Was that it?

Yeah.
- [Ricky] No.

- Fuck yeah.

- Sakes.
- Come to daddy.

- Can I have them noodles?

- Man, I got nothing
to bet with.

- Fuck's sakes.

- All I got's one Goldfish.

- Here, you can have those.

- I like those noodles.

- They're all yours, buddy.

- That was good game, Terr.

- Yeah, good job, man.

- I'm just lucky people
fucking over chirp to me

and find out this shit.

- You should give Terr something

for being the guy in charge.

- Well, maybe you should.

- Well, I ain't got
nothing left.

- Come on. You can't eat
all those Doritos, fuck.

Or all them chips.

You can't eat all them chips.

They're just baby bags.
- There's Christmas, Terr.

- Oh, thanks man.

- [Julian] Yeah, man.

- Well, I'm gonna make some
Goldfish and noodle soup boys.

- If you guys wanna play
again, come grab me.

- I'll play later.

- Yeah.

- Rice Krispie cheers.

- Cheers.

[Conky laughing]

[tranquil piano music]

- What's going on,
fucking dick weeds?

Eh, you have some
questions for me, do ya?

All right.

Well, let's get to them.
[laughs]

First one's from Darren Brennan.

He says, "Hey Dear Conky,

I have a public fetish

and I wanna cram my fist
straight up your arse."

Oh, wow. That's fucking great,
Darren.

You might wanna head to
the fucking psychiatrist

and figure out why you
wanna fist me.

You fucking idiot. [laughs]

That's not normal, going around,
fisting puppets. [laughs]

Dion Jamieson.

"Conky, what the fuck are
you doing back in the park?"

Well, Dion, somebody told
me your mom was around here.

So, I came to stick my big
wooden cock in her. [laughs]

Fuck off.

Tristin Hamm.

"Dear Conky,

Is it possible you'll have kids

that will hate and fuck with
Ricky as much as you do."

Well, I probably
won't have kids.

Tristin, I don't
know if you know

how a fucking puppet works,
dickhead.

But you never know.

I might figure out a way to

crank out a fucking, you
know, a wooden kid. [laughs]

Okay. This one's
from Terry Rahn.

That's a nice name, Terry.
Where the did you run to?

Fucking idiot.

He says, "Conky you
little smart ass,

How the fuck did you get
back to the park,

you little motherfucker?"

Well, that's exactly
how I did it.

Terry,

I picked your mother up at a bar

and I took her back to the
park and I fucked her. [laughs]

You set yourself right
up for that one, Terry,

you fucking asshole.

Ryan West.

"Conky, have you ever met
Bobby Turkalino

and what are your
thoughts on him?"

Yeah, I have met
Bobby Turkalino.

I think he's a little prick.

Fucking made of fabric,
little pussy.

Yeah. I haven't seen
him in a while.

If you know where he is,

you tell fucking Turkalino
I'm looking for him.

Fucking pussy, little
fabric pussy.

I'll beat the fucking
fabric teeth

right outta Bobby Turkalino's
fucked up little head.

Anne Marie Schiraldi

says,

"Hey Conky, where the
fuck have you been?

And do you harbor any
resentment to Bubbles

after the near fatal drowning?"

No, actually I don't,

because Bubbles is very aware

that I don't need oxygen
to fucking live.

I've lived underwater
for a long fucking time.

So, he wasn't trying
to drown me.

He was just trying to
get me away from Ricky

because Ricky is

a fucking

idiot.

Oh, and if you didn't notice,

I'm in Ricky's fucking
trailer right now

and I'm gonna go take a
shit on his pillow

and stick his toothbrush
up my ass. [laughs]

Art,

Artur Luiz

says,

"Conky, why do you get
dressed like Bubbles,

you little fucker?"

Who said I get dressed
like Bubbles?

Artur, whatever kind of
a fucking name that is.

Who said I get dressed
like bubbles?

Who said he doesn't
dress like me?

He's the one that fucking
dresses like me.

I'm the one that had
this hairstyle.

And I had glasses and
shirts like this,

long before fucking Bubbles did.

So Artur, you can suck it.

Go get a new name, you
fucking idiot. [laughs]

All right, I'm going to,

I'm going to fuck with Ricky.

I'm gonna,

I'm gonna piss in his mouthwash.
[laughs]

And then he'll brush his teeth

and take mouthwash and
he'll be drinking my piss.

[laughs] Fuck off.

[tranquil piano music]

- Hey, this is Bubbles from
Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

Welcome to "Kitty of the Week".
[laughs]

[kitties meowing]

[kitties purring]

Hey, how's it going, everybody?

Bubbles here at the Bide
Awhile Shelter,

Dartmouth, Nova Scotia
for "Kitty of the Week".

And this is this week's
featured kitty

and he is unbelievable,
this guy.

He's an orange tabby, two
years old, named Chucky.

And Chucky came in with
a infection in his leg.

So, they had no choice.

They had to get rid of her.

Off she came.

Look at him. He's just
ready to rock.

Doesn't matter that he's
only got three legs.

He's, you know,
perfectly good kitty.

Agile.

I bet you Chucky here
would like some,

I bet you Chucky's into
some white fluff balls.

Hey Chucky,

look what I got.

Oh yeah.

There we go.

Chucky's, he's only
about two years old

and he's, you know, he
needs a good home.

Somebody that can, you know,

deal with a special needs kitty,

but there's really nothing,
that much,

you have to do different,
you know.

He's got three legs.

It's not like he only
got one. He's got three.

So, he can still get around.

You know, these are the
kind of kitties

that when things like, you know,

infections and things
come in, people are like,

"Oh, well that kitty's no good."

And they throw them away,
that's what I can't believe.

But people do that.

This guy, you know,
proves everybody wrong.

He likes fucking with those.

He's a Bubbles certified
kitty right there.

[camera clicks]

[marker scribbling]

[kitty meows]

[soft piano music]

- Can we just shut this down,
Bubs?

- Yes, I guess.

Sign her off.

- How do you do that?

- You say goodnight or good day.

- Or goodbye.

- Well, yeah, if you
want to get technical.

- Good morning.

- No you say, "See ya later."

- You say, "Fuck off" to you.

[Randy burps]

- Wow.

- Randy.
- That's got a kick.

- There was a burp rule
made last week.

- [laughs] Holy fuck.

- Because he almost leveled us.

- All right. Time to leave.

That's disgusting.

- Oh, fuck, Randy.

- All right, later.

- Yup. Thanks everybody.

- [Ricky] Signing off. Fuck off,
Randy.

- See you later.

- Get the fuck out.

[tranquil piano music]

- See you later.

[Ricky snoring]

And good night.

[tranquil piano music]

[water lapping]
[birds chirping]

- [Fish] Fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

- [Ricky] [whispers] Fuck off.

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