All language subtitles for Trailer Park Boys Show s01e06.eng

- [Announcer] Warning.

The following program contains
really course language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking,
and sexual inferences.

This content may not be
suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls

please press the go
[bleep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[calm bright music]

- Now everybody has all
kinds of fucking candy

from trick or treating,
from last week.

So you pick a house that has
like four fucking kids in it.

They're gonna have all
kinds of good shit.

So you go to the door, what
are they gonna say, "no"?

They'd probably be scared of me.

Definitely be scared of you.

- They're gonna call
the cops Ricky,

if you go up banging on the
door, fucking demanding candy,

dressed up as a hotdog, a
fucking week after Halloween.

- Well then I'm gonna
put it there

out to the fucking cops
to fucking try

to come over and take my
candy tonight.

See what happens.

- You're gonna threaten the
police on the air, are you?

- I'm not gonna threaten them,

I'm gonna say, "Look, I'm
fucking going trick or treating.

I missed the last week
'cause you dicks

threw me in jail for
pissing in fucking public.

And then fucking kept me
in the next couple days

for a little tiny fight
with four guys. Fuck off!"

Anyway. That's all I'm
gonna say about that.

Fucking cops sometimes.

They try to take the
fun out of it.

And I mean, I can't
miss a fucking Halloween

because my dad always said,

that we, our family, I
guess invented Halloween.

Some of our old
fucking relatives.

- Who used to say that, Ray?

- Yeah. Remember I didn't
wanna go trick or treating

once I got a little bit older,

'cause it wasn't fucking cool.

I'm like, "Dad, I'm not
fucking going",

he said, "Oh you're
fucking going",

I said, "No, I'm not going",

he said, "Well, you have to,

because I don't know
if you knew this Ricky,

but your great, great
grandfather, grandmother"--

Holy fuck! It's raining
horse cocks out there.

The wind.

- Yeah must be the wind.

- He said my great grandfather.

Great, great, great,

or four greats, mother,
father, one of them,

decided to come up with
the idea for Halloween

to make the kids happier,
and scare them a little.

- Your great, great,
great grand, whatever.

His name was Horse Cock?

- It could have been,
I don't know.

I just said it was
raining horse cocks.

I didn't say his name
was Raining--

- Oh, I thought his name
was Raymond Horse Cock.

- Oh, Raymond, that
would be a weird fucking

[stutters]

Coincilence stance.

You know that word. [chuckles]

So isn't that cool?

- So was your
great-grandfather's name

Raymond Horse Cock or not?

- Let's just go with that.

Good old Raymond, fucking
came up with this whole idea.

So from that point on, I
never missed a Halloween.

So it's Halloween, November,

but it's still fucking
Halloween to me,

and Raymond, if you're
listening to this

wherever the fuck you are,

cheers to you, my friend.

And great fucking idea you had.

- So Ricky, Ray told you
your great grandfather,

great, great grandfather
invented Halloween?

- Could have been grandmother.

I guess it was sad times back
then and kids needed a boost.

So he thought, "Hey, if all
the kids fucking dress up,

then no one knows who
the kids actually are.

They can just be crazy
and have fun".

No one knows who was
the crazy people.

He scares them a little bit,

and then candy is like
a celebration.

All kids love candy.

- He came up with that, did he?

What year did Ray say
that all took place in?

- It would have to have been

at least a hundred
years ago for sure.

- Well, Halloween's been around
longer than that I believe.

- Okay. Well it was more
than that then.

Why are you asking questions,

if you already know the
fucking answers to them?

- What are we doing right now?

- Introducing our guest.

- No, first you're gonna do
your little cookie shit show.

- All right. Today, we're
gonna have Randy's kitchen.

It's gonna be the best
cheeseburger, calzone ever.

All right.

- [Mr. Lahey] Okay.

- I wanna bring this with
me, Mr. Lahey, just in case.

- [Mr. Lahey] All right.

- We gotta go over here 'cause
you took up all the room,

but it's okay.

We got a bunch of extra
space Mr. Lahey.

- We're going over to Ricky set,
are we?

- No, Mr. Lahey, it's
just extra room.

- It's Ricky set.
It's Ricky set.

And you guess what?

You're sexy, Randy.

- We're gonna cook Mr. Lahey.

I took everything. Look, liquor,
stories.

- Look, let me look
in your eyes.

Just, Randy.

- It's the lights, Mr. Lahey.

- I can see the whole of space
infinity in your eyes, Randy.

- How drunk are you?

- I'm not drunk, Randy,

I just had a couple
little drinky poos.

♪ High ho, high ho, it's
off to the cooking show ♪

♪ Oh, I forgot my drink.
I better get one ♪

Get the fuck over there Randy.

- Oh Mr. Lahey
cheeseburger calzones!

- Oh love the calzones!

- Whee hee hee!
- Whoo whoo whoo!

- What the frig did I
just step on?

Oh my frig! What the?

- Randy. Holy fuck.

- This is piss Mr. Lahey!

- I'm up for it, Randy.

- I'm covered in pee!

Geeze! Mr. Lahey, What the
frig's going on in this house?

What the frig? Holy!

- Off. Turn that fucking
thing off, Randy.

Stick it up your ass [laughs].
Randy.

- What the frig!

It won't stop!
- Randy. It's all blowing.

- Randy. You fucked up!
This is the piss and shitty.

- Ohh!

- Randy. What the fuck? It's.

- What the fuck just hit me?

- It's a bundle of cocks,
Randy. It's fucking.

You fucking piece.

- Mr. Lahey!

- You fuck everything up Randy!

- Mr. Lahey, Ricky
clearly set booby traps.

- It's just a piece of shit.

- It's because you frigging
messed with his set Mr. Lahey.

- What are you
talking about Randy?

I was the one that
fuck. Okay. Don't. wait.

- I'm covered in piss and...

- Wait.

- Flour. Got hit with
a big bunch of cocks.

The show is ruined.

- It isn't ruined Randy.
It's never too fucking late.

Always grab the bull by
the horns Randy.

- Frig the guest Mr. Lahey.

- Fuck you.

- I didn't even get to
do the cooking show.

- Stay. Just stay.

- Show's over.

- Stay there ladies
and gentlemen.

- [Randy] Show's freaking over.

- We got for fucks sake.

We got a lot of
fucking good shit

to do here ladies and gentlemen.

We're just gonna finish up the
show in a nice little coven.

Randy. Come on, back up here,
bud.

- [Randy] I'm not coming
back Mr. Lahey.

- Randy, you gotta fucking
come back here.

We gotta shoot a show.

- [Randy] Frig off!

- Okay. Bring. Go fuck yourself.

Okay. Bring the special guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, we got
a special guest for you today,

who's gonna show us how to make

two tin cans of a rocket
ship with a Bic lighter.

So come on, bring up.

Where's the special guest?

- [Cameraman] He's gone.

- What?

- [Cameraman] He's gone.

- The special guest is gone?

- [Cameraman] He left ages ago.

- Huh? Well, as you
say in Latin Colosseum,

logas bogus [indistinct].

[laughs]

Fuck you.

Okay. So why don't we just
finished off the show very nicely

with a little drink
to our sponsor.

And Randy, you fucking
ruined the ratings!

No one's gonna fucking
look in the next...

Doesn't matter--

Oh, I know what I could do.

I have a trick, a magic trick.

See this? I can make this go
all the way through my body.

Oh, this is a little liquor-poo.

All the way through my
body into this hand,

and then back again.

Watch this.

♪ Ti-Ti-Ri-Ri-Ri

♪ Ti-Ri-Li-Ri-Li-Ri-Li-Ri-Li

♪ Ti-Ti-Ti-Ti

Ta-da!

Now back again,

♪ Du-Du-Ru-Du-Ru

♪ Du-Du

And special show.

Ta!

Ta fucking!

[chuckles]

Ta-da!

Tune in next week to see if
Randy can get his shit together.

Until then, [indistinct]

[laughs]

Yeah, fuck off.

I'm sorry, I fucked up.

[gurgling]

That's good shit.

[eerie music]

Thanks for tuning in to the
Jim Lahey Show, and Randy.

[eerie music]

- What are you guys
taping in here?

- A friend of mine's
doing a documentary.

Don't worry about it.

- All right. What?

- Look, I need some
stuff and I could rob you

or you could just give it to me.

It's up to yourself. So.

- You're Ricky, right?

- Yeah, man.

- Yeah, man. Get whatever
you want. I don't care.

- Right on. Give me four
packs of smokes.

Yeah, and I'm gonna
take these flowers here.

- Smokes. How many smokes there?

- I was here first there, bud.

- What's that camera doing here?

- None of your fucking
business actually.

- Obviously you don't
know who the fuck I am.

- Obviously.

- My name is Cyrus, Cyrus.

And I don't give a
fuck who you are.

- Better chill out there
heavy metal dick.

- Yeah? Well you go back
to the bowling alley

you came from helmet head.

- You're fucking lucky
I'm on probation.

- Is that right? See ya.

That's it. Bye, bye.

- Hey Cyrus, you didn't pay.

- [Cyrus] Fuck off.

- See this? All right.

Old man gave me that when
I was in grade seven.

Seen a lot of action.

Nine millimeter.

Safety, always off.

Told me he was proud of me once.

Fucking prick.

[birds cawing]

[engine running]
[car driving]

[radio playing]

[car door opening]

[bottle smashing]

[car door shutting]

[footsteps]

- We gotta make a few
things clear.

- Sure.

- Two of us can't live in
this trailer park together.

Now can we?

- Right. So I guess
someone's gotta move.

- That's what I'm talking about.

Hey, that's my shit!

[TV breaking]

Hey, that's my shit!

That's my shit.

Obviously you didn't hear me

when I say clear out
your own shit.

Now I want a new TV,
I want a VCR,

and I want my porn
tapes replaced,

because those were the
creme de la creme.

- I want you out this park.

- [scoffs] I'm not leaving.

I provide a service for
these good people.

They're like my family.

You tell them people, go on.

- [Julian] Let show of hands.
Those who need his dope.

- I like to take this
opportunity to let anybody know

that me and Tyrone's
open for business.

We service all your dope
needs. Good prices too.

You know what I'm saying?

- See, we don't need you here.

- Well, I'm not leaving.

And I'm not afraid to
use this gun.

- I think you're afraid.

- Fuck afraid. You think
I won't pull the trigger?

My brain tells my finger to
pull the trigger and, boom!

Happens just like that.

- Well, let me talk to
your brain then.

Hey, Cyrus's brain,
pull the trigger.

- Oh, funny guy. [cocking gun]

- Pull the trigger.

Do it, do it!

[scoffs]

You're not gonna do it, man.

- Cyrus you fucking dick!

- Shut up!

- Why don't you do
yourself a favor.

You're not from the park
man. You don't belong here.

This is my family.

Why don't you get out of here?

- I don't need this shit anyway.

[footsteps]
[Cyrus mumbling]

[car driving]
[radio playing]

- Thanks for getting rid
of Cyrus for us Julian.

Now, if you could just
help straighten Ricky out,

we'd be all set.

All right, everybody,
party's over.

Let's go home.

- Welcome back, Julian.

- [Someone In The Crowd]
Fuck off Mr. Lahey.

[bright music]

- Hi, I'm Julian.

I've been on my own
since I was six or seven.

That's when I started
drinking rum.

My life has been fucked
up, but I'm a survivor.

If you want advice, I'll
give it to you.

If you use it, that's fine,

but if you don't, I
really don't give a fuck.

Hey, this is dear Julian.
I'm Julian.

Let's get this fucking going.

All right, "Dear Julian. I
wake up to get outta bed,

I pissed myself in my sleep.

My friends and family won't let
me crash at the crib anymore

because I piss on the couch.

People get all bitchy
when I accidentally

piss all over them" Right,
Jesus man.

"It's a problem I have never
grown outta since I was born.

I'm nearly thirty years old now.

How can I stop pissing
myself in the bed?

And putting my bed wetting
habit once and for all to rest?"

Okay, man. All right.
Number one.

If you're drinking a
lot and shit,

maybe you're just too
fucking drunk. Okay?

You get Lahey drunk.

You've seen it happen to
him many times before on TV.

But if it's not, I don't know,
man.

Maybe go see a doctor.

Maybe sit and find out what time

the piss time is through
the night, set an alarm.

Get up a little early.

Or just don't fucking
drink anything.

Okay? All right.

That's all I can do for you,
bud.

All right now, Dan Maughan.

Okay, Dan Maughan.

"Dear Julian, my old boss
is being a massive prick

and won't pay up my
last week's wages.

Should I be patient and wait
for him to try to sort it out?

Or should I talk,
walk into a club,

and tell the dummies
that stole my job

he said I could have a
tab and drink my wage

before pissing in the booth

and leave there with
slight dignity."

All right, man, like fuck,
the guy owes you money.

I wouldn't go to the club,

I'd go right to the
motherfucker's house, all right?

You go to his house,
you knock on the door,

you say, "Hey, listen
bud, you owe me money.

I want my cash. See you
later at the bar tonight.

Have it, or else I'm
gonna get pissed off".

Then you go to his bar, meet
him up later and say, "Alright"

you still do the same
thing you just said.

You start drinking, do
the whole tab thing.

Collect your money,
drink for free.

I think it's a good idea.

I mean, you know, he owes
you cash, he's being a dick.

All right.

Convicted.

"Dear Julian, for the
past 25 years,

I've worked for some
rich city pricks

with the task of rebuilding
the rundown farms

and turning them into
profitable working farms.

For the last year now the
missus has been hounding to me

to sell up and invest
in my own farm,

become the landowner
I've dreamed of being.

We're talking about a
massive gamble

by investing every penny
I own into my own farm.

Should I go for it?

Stay with the little small
holding I already have?"

Listen, man.

All right, this is a
good question.

You know, I'm a business man.

And if I had some cash on me

and I want to invest in
my own business

and be my own fucking boss,

that's the way to do it, man.

I mean, you've been working
for these other fucking people,

making them tons of money.

This is a no brainer, man.

Risk everything.

If you don't, you're
gonna fucking regret it,

and you're probably gonna end up

with no fucking money to
have fun when you're retired.

You're never gonna be able
to retire, man.

So go for it.

Okay.

There's not many fucking
questions here.

Trevor Jade Walker.

"Julian, bud, my
girlfriend keeps bugging me

because almost every
t-shirt I own is black

and says I need to have
more variety.

But my favorite color is black,

and I don't want anything
other than black shirts.

What should I tell her?"

I'd tell her to fuck off,
all right?

I find it easy, like, you know,

it takes some people half hour

to figure out what the fuck
they're gonna wear every day.

For me, it's the same thing.

I gain a half hour over
everyone, you know?

So I can go and do my thing
and make money, right?

Because that's what
life is about right now.

Make money, try to retire
early, have some fun.

So I'd say, "Hey listen,
you know, honey,

just let me fucking be
who I wanna be.

If I wanna dress this way,

this is the way I want to do it.

If you don't love me...

if you love me, you'll
fucking accept it."

All right. The next question's
from Kristen Sara Kuchera.

"Julian, my obsessive stalker
ex-husband is dating my cousin

to try to piss me off and
linger around.

Should I kick both their asses

or avoid that side of my family

until the greasy
bastard disappears?

Oh man. That's a tough one.

So he's a stalker.

I mean, your cousin sounds
like she's a bit of a fuckhead.

You know, she's going
over with your ex husband

for fuck sakes.

Uh, I don't know.

I'd want to get back at them.

I would definitely want
to kick her ass

because it's your cousin.

She deserves to get
her ass kicked.

Knee him and the nuts
a few times.

I'd take him out, I
would seriously do that.

Do that, and then just
don't have anything to do

with that side of the
family or them at least.

Everybody's gonna hate you

if you do that on her side,
obviously,

but you can say she's a
fucking bitch,

that's, you know,
causing shit with me.

It's obvious.

Okay.

I don't know if you want
to call her a bitch,

call her whatever you
want to call her.

I don't know what
you'd call her.

She's your cousin.

I'd be a lot worse than
that actually.

[sighs]

So I guess that's all
the questions.

So I hope this helped you out,

if not though, I don't
give a fuck. Good luck.

[bright music]

[Mr Lahey stomping]

- Are we rolling?

- [Cameraman] Yeah, of course.

- Oh yeah. Welcome to ask
me any fucking [stutters]

Fucking ask me anything
with the Swearnet,

questions from Facebook
and Swearnet.

I answer cold, and so I
need my questions.

Can I have my questions?

- [Cameraman] You're fucking
sitting on them, bud.

- I am sitting on my questions.

Oh, they're there.

Well, it's not very...
you can't read them.

They're all... oh,
for fuck sakes.

First of all, let me have
a little sippy.

This is a toast to my
audio radiances.

You guys are looking good today,
and here's a toast to you.

Propane, propane.

Oh yeah.

Good Liquormen's.

Nothing better.

"Dear Lahey. I really liked it
when you were off the liquor

in season 11, treating
Ricky nicely.

Do you think you'll ever..."

This by Ragin Cajun.

Number one question.

"Do you think you'll ever
burn the hatchet at both ends

and make up with he and Julian?"

Ragin Cajun, like a Cajun.

Cajun is like Acadian,
Acadian Cajun.

I bet she lives down
Louisiana, down in Louisiana.

But you know what?

It's not burn a hatchet
at both ends.

If you were a raging Indian,

I could see you're saying
that for your amology,

but a raging Cajun doesn't say
burn a hatchet at both ends.

'Cause it's a candle.

Even if you are on the liquor,
it could actually turn out

to be beneficial for you
and Bobanders.

Um.

What is the question?

Do you think you've ever
burned the hatchet of both ends

and make up with Julian?

Even if you are on the liquor

could actually turn out
to be beneficial for--

Bobanders doesn't like the fact

that me and Julian have
a secret kind of like...

It's dark, it's very dark,
but it's light.

I don't know what the
question means.

Okay. Number two.

Organic187.

"Dear Lahey, How people have
you shot over the years,

and why do they still let
you have a gun?"

They don't let me have a gun.

Any [indistinct] I have are...

I don't have a permit right now,

and that's just the
ways I want to be.

How many people have I shot?

Well.

Shot a guy by mistake once.

Shot myself by mistake once.

I missed the guy I was
shooting at once.

That's all I can remember.

Michelle, my bell.

"Dear Lahey, what is one
guilty pleasure

you enjoy too much to give up?"

Freud calls guilt super ego.

So your guilt is your super ego.

I don't have a super ego,
so I don't feel guilty.

So there's no pleasures
I feel guilty about.

So there's no guilt. [gibberish]

"Dear Lahey."

Number four, Jeff.

"What's the best cure for
a liquor surge?"

Well, I'll give you a
illustration.

If you have to sneeze and
you go, achoo!

You can blow your ear balls.

You can actually, I've heard it,

that you can blow your sack,

and you can fucking blow your
balls right out of your sack.

If you check a super sneeze.

It's the same with a
liquor surge,

you don't check a liquor surge.

You do, it can cause
irreparable damage

to the psycho system or
the fucking atmosphere.

John Velez. This one's a
fucking fold and a half,

I'll tell you that.

"Dear Mr. Lahey,

you have told us several
versions of the story

about when you first realized

that you were sexually
attracted to men.

There's the bachelor
pool party story,

then there's a story about
two Scottish gentlemen

that you accidentally
walked in on,

the incident in Italy,

and then finally there's Randers

from the time that you
were on the police force.

They cannot all be
the first time.

Can you please tell us which
story describes the time

when you first realized you
were attracted to other men?"

It's not really a physical
attraction to other men,

like the scraping and the
burning of the shogggle,

and the bigga baggy,

it doesn't really
fucking turn me on.

It really happened when I was
like, I was about nine or 10,

and I was with my cousin,
he was a couple years older,

and he was asking if he
could have one of my socks,

and I didn't want, why, why?

And he pull his sock into his
fucking sleeping bag with him.

And pretty soon there
was a jizistic odorifous

coming from the sleeping bag.

And I was, you know,
I asked him,

I insisted what he was doing.

He showed me.

And that was it.

I would say I was nine or 10

and first time I ever
came in a sock, it hurt.

Like I remember like,
I think it was guilt.

It was Catholic guilt that I...

It actually, like sometimes
when you cum, like,

it feels like, "Oh!",

like it's called the
petite mort, petite mort,

the little death.

Like it's after a lion
fucking bangy bangys,

he can't run as fast.

And then the young
lion comes in.

That's ridiculous.

Anyway, it's true, but it
has nothing to do with this.

First time I ever knew
I was attracted to a man

it was just to a hand, that's
all it was, just to a hand.

- It's time to go
trick or treating.

Three more beer, shotgun, two
more joints. Let's go buddy.

Trick or treat time.
- Are we really doing this?

- Fucking right we are.

- All right.

- My only problem is.

Fuck, gotta do a boner test.

No, we're gonna be fine.

- Ricky, why would
you get a boner?

- Oh, in case you see a
trick or treat.

Might be some hot moms.

You got an extra trick or
treat bag for me, buddy?

- Thanks for listening.

Go to swearnet.com to watch it.
[chuckles]

- [Ricky] Let's go kitty.

[bright music]
[cat meows]

[birds cawing]

[ship engine running]
[birds cawing]

[fishes saying "fuck"]

[eerie music]

- [In The Background] Fuck off.

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