All language subtitles for Trailer Park Boys Show s01e03.eng

- [Ricky] Warning, the following
program contains really

coarse language, weed,
alcohol consumption,

smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be
suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental
controls please press

the big go [beep] yourself
button on your remote control.

[introduction music playing]

[sounds of kids
talking and playing]

[sounds of birds chirping]

- Hey boys, are we
getting her going?

Let's get her going here.

- [Ricky] You okay Bubs?

- I'm fucking right out of her.

- Where are we
hanging out today?

- Oh, nothing big
going on today.

Just at a coffee shop

in Amsterdam.

[men laughing]

[laughs] We're at the
De Dampkring.

- Yeah, one of the
most famous...

- [Ron] The original,
the original Dampkring.

- [Ricky] Very famous,
very awesome.

- [Bubbles] This is the
manager here. How you doing?

- How do you
pronounce your name?

- My name is
pronounced like Ron.

- [Bubbles] Just like Ron?

- Just like Ron

- [Bubbles] Ron manager
of The Dampkring.

- It's really no
different than Ron at...

- No. When I heard it earlier,
I thought he said Krong.

- [Ron] International name.
International.

- [Ricky] So what does
Dampkring stand for?

What does it mean?

- Dampkring means "atmosphere"
in Dutch.

- [Ricky] Oh nice.

- But Damp is also "vapor."
Kring is like a "ring."

So you could go with vapor
ring, like a smoke ring.

- [Bubbles]
Atmosphere vapor-ring.

- [Ricky] Trippy

- [Ron] Yep.

- You get all that outta
one word. That's decent.

- [Ricky] Well, it's a
wonderful place anyway.

Thank you very much
for having us.

- Yeah, we probably, I
guess you probably have to

get back to work. Do you?

- I am

- Well, cheers man.

- It's a very busy place.

- We will be hanging
out here all day.

Once this podcast finishes,
or I will be.

These guys may not be.

- I hope enjoy
yourselves in Amsterdam.

- [Bubbles] Thank you, Ron.

- [Ricky÷} Love You

- [Bubbles] Thanks Ron.

Dampkring.

Atmosphere vapor-ring.

- How you feeling Bubbles?

- Oh, I'm fucking, I'm
doing pretty good.

Do you guys hear a car alarm?

- Yeah I know, but that
sun's coming out

and I'm baked out of my
mind and its fucking hot.

- You know what? I guess I
should have a little bit of this.

- They're a lot of fun.

- How much weed's in it, Ricky?

- [Ricky] I don't think much.

It's not much in it,
are you sure?

We should get really
baked and take out

one of those swan boats.

- [Julian] Holy fuck.

- The what?

- Don't they have
Swan boats here.

The ones you peddle? Paddle?
Peddle paddle? Paddle peddle?

- [Julian] Swan boat?

- [Ricky] Well, you know,
just one of those boats

that you get going
with your feet.

- But why is it - why
is it a swan boat Ricky?

- Well, you know, I like
swans and if they have those

I'd prefer to get one of those.

- [Julian] What was your
thing with swans, man?

- [Ricky] I don't know.

- Every time we go somewhere.

You wanna go fucking
see the swans?

- [Julian] They're fucked,
- ÷{Ricky] They're glorious

- [Ricky] glorious bird.

- But why? What makes
them glorious?

- [laughs] I think
it's their necks.

Like when their really big

and they can do all these
weird things with their neck.

- [Julian] Real cute.

- Didn't you wish you had
a neck like that

when you were young?

- [Julian] No, man. I've
never thought about having

a fucking neck, like a swan.

Are you kidding me?
[Ricky laughs]

- [laughing] Ricky, what
are you talking about?

- [Julian] [laughing]
I think the muffins are

kicking in boys.

- Great.

- [laughing] And the cookies

- [Julian] And the cookies.

- And everything else.

I think I'm too fucked
up to continue.

- No, you're not. What
are you talking about?

We're just having a great time.

- [Julian] Ricky?
- So you wanted [laughs]

[Ricky laughing uncontrollably]

- Okay

You wanted to have a
neck like a swan?

When you were younger?

Why would you want a
neck like a swan Ricky?

- So you can see behind you.

- [Julian] Stop [laughs]
you're killing me.

- Boys, I don't think
I've ever been this high.

- Oh yes you have Ricky.

- I thought I had, but I
can't make stuff like this.

I've made a lot of stuff in
my day, boys, but this, wow.

These people know what
they're doing.

- I need a lot more
booze guys, like, soon.

- [Ricky] I need to eat
and I can't eat

anything else with weed in it.

- Yeah.

- Should we finish that joint?

- I want to keep
talking about swans.

- [Julian] No.

- Okay, I just assume
that when you see a swan,

how fucking cool they are,
they're a big bird with

a long neck kind of
like a girac.

And they can turn around,
look behind them kinda

- Like a what?

- A girac.
- [Julian] A girac.

- What the fuck is a

- They're horses
with long necks.

- That's a giraffe Ricky
and it's not a horse

with a long neck.

- [Julian] They're way
bigger than horses man.

- It's a giraffe.

It's a totally different
kind of animal.

So because you like
giraffes with the long neck

you wanted to have a Swan neck.

- [Julian] [laughs]
We can't talk

about this anymore, boys.
Please.

- Oh, I think we should
get to the bottom of it.

[Ricky laughs]
- [Julian] Haven't we already?

- Oh I don't know, have we?
[table laughs]

- Yes we have.

- I still don't understand
why you want it

to have a swan neck.

- I just think it was cool.

They can look behind them,
look around.

They can almost do a 360
with their neck.

- I know. But when you're
saying you wanted a Swan neck

did you want your neck
to be like, you know

four or five feet long

with your head up in the air

- Well, just all of a sudden,

if there's something up here

and you're like, you
can't see it

You're just like [makes
stretching noise].

- [Julian] Oh boys, we
gotta stop talking

about swans please. Okay?
No more.

- They have like a
slinky neck that

can turn right around.

- [laughing] A slinky neck

- Their neck's not
like a slinky.

- It can expand and go back.

- No, it can't Ricky,
they don't have

a fucking accordion neck.

- [Ricky] All right,
well, it looks like it

when you're super baked.

[whimsical music turns
into 70's funk]

- A lot of people used to,
to, to say that Ricky Brown

shoved the word down
their throat too much.

And possibly, maybe he did
shove it down the throat

too much. Maybe a little too
hard. Ricky Brown, I mean,

he actually, I actually
will tear the paper out

and shove it down their throat.

But sometimes, you know,
they just ain't listening

and sometimes you need to have
drastic measures to listen.

That's what Ricky Brown
was taught by his daddy.

When his daddy used to,
you know, shove food

down his throat that he
didn't like, or, or, you know

smash his face into a book
when he didn't want to study.

And of course, you know,
Ricky brown certainly thought

of getting better
grades after that.

And he, he certainly ate
the food that he was,

he was demanded to eat.

You, you say sometimes
he, he was made to watch

other things too, but we
won't get that.

Main thing is, is that
maybe Ricky Brown

was a little too harsh

with how he was putting
the word down his throat.

But you know, God is,
is a hard God.

God is, is not a
compassionate God, you know.

God's a bit of a bitch-ass,

motherfuckin' man that
will smack you around.

Not afraid to grab you
by the throat.

Not afraid to, when you say,
"Yo, this is my problem."

And God says, "You know
what? I don't care.

This is what it is."

And Ricky Brown teaches
that word the way it is.

And, and

and Ricky brown is,

is, is happy

to teach the word.

[marker screeches]

- All right, welcome to
Get Learnt with Ricky.

I'm Ricky, and this is
Getting Learnt with Ricky.

Today on Getting
Learnt with Ricky.

We're gonna fuckin' how
to make an oven.

If you're camping and shit,
and you wanna

fuckin' bake some stuff,

show you how to make a
real fuckin' simple oven.

It's cheap as fuck

And it makes food taste
really fuckin' good.

♪ Schools

♪ They can fuck off

♪ And teachers can
suck my cock ♪

♪ I'm drunk and I'm high

♪ And this is Getting
Learnt with Ricky. ♪

How was that Bubs?

it fuckin sucked didn't it?

I told you I can't fuckin' sing.

So the first thing we need.

What the fuck.

What the fuck is this
doing there?

All right.

Something's fuckin'
going on here.

Somebody's fuckin' with me.

That does not fuckin'
belong there.

That goes down here in
the fuckin' spatula jar.

Fuck!

Where's your fuckin' bow tie,
bud.

Huh?

All right.

Someone's definitely fuckin'
with me.

A lot of my shit is fuckin'

not where it's supposed to be.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's where those belong.

You know, some fuckhead's
been in my shop.

Fuckin' with my stuff,

which is not fuckin' right.

All right,

Change of plans.

Instead of fuckin' learning how

to get an oven built,
which would've been cool.

Now we're gonna start an
episode called trying to

fuck with people that
try to fuck with you.

So I'm going to have to
smoke a joint

and think about this, but, fuck

we'll be right back.

Fuck sakes.

[inhaling]

[exhaling]

[upbeat music]

The more I've been
looking around here

there's like 20 fuckin' things

that somebody's
messed around with.

My plant smells like
somebody pissed in them.

Screwdrivers are all fuckin'
moved

in outta order.

The problem is

I don't know who the
fuck is doing this to me.

So we're gonna have to
do is build some

fuck you traps.

That way the next time
some fuckhead

decides to sneak into my shop

and fuck with stuff.

Be some little trip wires
and traps are gonna go off.

And the traps are gonna say,
fuck you.

Now the first fuck you trap

we're gonna build is the
old trip wire trap door full

of piss balloons.

I couldn't find any fuckin'
balloons

but got lots of con doms.

Basically, I mean, you know
what you do with these.

You just take them and you
gotta fill them up with

them up with piss.

So anyway, you don't
need to film this, bud.

- [Cameraman] Yeah.

- Fuck! Come on.

I don't have enough piss in me.

Ah, fuck. Now I got piss.

Fuck sakes.

[liquid spills]

Ah, Fuck.

Okay. That was bad.

Thank God it's my own piss.

But anyway, this is a bit messy.

Fuck sakes!

I'm gonna have to take
a break and find another

way to come up with a
bunch of piss.

I'll go around to the
toilets or something and

get cleaned up.

So smoke a joint and uh..

I'll be back.

Fuck!

[inhaling]

[exhaling]

[upbeat music]

Okay, we're back.

I went around and collected
some dirty old pissy

toilet water outta the
toilets and urinals around

here and got three of
them filled up.

So I'll fill up probably
a couple more.

Then we gotta build
our trap door,

set a little trip bar,

that's gonna be hooked
to these fuckin' pulleys.

And when someone trips the wire,

the little piss balloons
are gonna come down

and hit them in the fuckin'
head,

which is awesome.

Cause then I know who it was,

whoever smells like piss.

All right.

Now the next fuck you trap

[spits]

might have been a
little piss in that.

[distant chatter]

- Sorry man.

- What are you doing?

- It was an accident

- What the hell do you
think your doing pushing me?

You don't have an
right to push me

- It was my --

- Is he blind?

- It was my fault.

- Look, I believe you
want me to win.

- Fuckin' dick.

[patting sound]

- Don't trust any of
you fuckers.

- Thank you all for
coming out today.

Right now, each of the
candidates will address you,

the residents of Sunnyvale.

And right now it gives
me great pleasure to

introduce the first
speaker and the challenger,

Mr. Sam Lasko.

[crowd cheers]

- Boo.

- [claps]

- Thank you.

- Boo.

- Thank you.

And hello again everyone.

Good afternoon, everyone.

I'm happy to be here.

And I plan on making big
changes in this trailer park.

Now my number one
priority is to clean

up the criminal activity

in this park and those
responsible for it.

And you know who I'm
talking about.

- Why don't you go
fuck yourself?

You fuckin' dick.

You're not even from this park.

- I'm getting started boy,
you just wait.

- Yeah we'll just see
about that, you dick.

- Now I plan on
working hand in hand

with the poli--
people in this park

and the police departure.

We're

this is fucked up.

- You're on fuckin' drugs.

- Sam's on drugs, everybody.

- Nobody can understand
what you're --

[imitates record scratch]

know what I'm sayin'?

- [Sam Lasko] No.

- They sayin' knock, knock.

- [Sam Lasko] Who's there.

- Get the fuck off the stage.

You idiot.

- I gotta go.

- Great fuckin' speech Sam.

Woo!

- Test

[microphone feedback]

Test

Test

- [Audience member] Get
off the stage

you drunk bastard!

- Who in this park

or even who in the whole
world doesn't have problems?

Who

doesn't have a drink too
many times once in a while?

And maybe even ones that passed

out in their own driveway,
pissin' themselves.

Huh?

I mean serious.

Well who doesn't have a, a
little puff from time to time

but who doesn't have problems

with the people they love?

Randy.

Everybody.

And I apologize for my neglect

of the things that are
most important to me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Cause this park is the
most important thing

in my life and it
always will be.

And so are all of you
cause this is our home.

This is our community.

I am Jim Lahey,

and I am your trailer
park supervisor.

Thanks

for coming

Randy.

Everybody.

- About 2 billion people

across the world consume liquor.

A small percentage of those

fall into the
category of excess.

But whether you drink a little

or you drink a lot,

every drop of liquor
tells a different story.

[classical instrumental]

- Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Hello, this is Jim Lahey

with another one of my
exciting liquor stories.

Today's drink comes
from Scotland

where highlanders

and lowlanders have
been guzzling

Bell's Scotch Whiskey
for an nigh on 200 years.

Comes from a little town
called Pitlochry,

and that's where the
ol' pitlock came from.

You think I'm making most of
these names up and I'm not.

When you consider that Bell's
Scotch Whiskey is distilled

in a place called Blair Athol.

It's a blend of

of

the favorite scotch whiskeys

from all over Scotland.

From.

From.

From Glen Docherty to
Loch Doon and,

and then a special malt is added

that gives it as
distinctive flavor.

It's as smooth

as the lake from her suit,

from her suit,

summer fruit.

[drunken slurring] and
its got a nutty taste too

with a
[unintelligible] of ginger

and almonds.

You know this lil fucker--sucker

is the favorite drink

of everybody in the
United Kingdom,

and why not?

It's wonderful.

It goes good with ice

or without ice.

It goes good with water

or without ice.

And you can eat it with
fish and chip.

You can eat it with
quinoa or sushi,

and it makes a perfect
liquor ball sandwich

for those cold winter mornings.

Ah.

There's nothing like,

you know

every time I have a little
sippy poo of Bell's,

I remember the first time
that I ever got in trouble.

I mean that I

[uninteligable]

It was way back a long time ago.

It was the end of February.

And my partner

[unintelligible] with him

and rest his soul.

He gave me a bottle of Bell's

as a special
commemorative present.

You know, Bell's even goes good

straight out of the bottle, too.

He gave me a special
commemorative present

of a bottle of Bell'S to
celebrate my 20 years on the force.

I was a good cop back then.

I stayed late that night and
I was doing my paperwork.

There was a shit blizzard
blowing outside,

but the time I finished

and went over to my car,

I discovered that someone

had ice cream shit
sundae'd my windshield.

So what did I do?

I turned on my
windshield foster hood,

Eh

The shit weasel had pissed
in my fuckin' reservoir,

it hit the ice cream
and turned into

rock solid pieces of shit.

I couldn't even scrape it
off with my police badge.

So I should have stayed there

in the police station all night,

but no.

You know, we all have to live
with our own circumcisions.

I pinched a fuckin' squad car,

and I started home to Sunnyvale.

sleet was that thick
on the road.

And you guess that I --

right into the fuckin' snow bank

about 20 feet high.

Ripped the CB radio off,

so I couldn't call anybody.

Jammed me in the doors,

I couldn't get outta the doors.

I couldn't even run the engine

because I would've
been asphyxiated.

And it was cold.

It was cold as fuckin'
penguin shit.

So what could I do?

There's only one
thing you can do.

Well,

next morning they pulled
me and the car

out of the snow bank.

I pissed myself,

and I was incoherent,

and I got an internal discipline

which to look at this
horse square in the ass

as was the beginning of
the end of my career as a

policeman.

And I can't prove who
ice cream shit sundae'd

my windshield,

but you know who it was

the same guy who's been my life

[slurring]

fuckery.

And Barb wouldn't speak to me,

and she wouldn't sleep
with me for fuckin months.

Wouldn't believe a word.

And they put me on night--

I was on the night shift

and I

and I had to deal with pimples
and hookers for a long time.

And that

that's

that's when I met Randy.

But that's another story.

So,

the moral of the stories,

if you're gonna scuzzle cotch.

[glass clink]

don't get caught in a
shit blizzard.

[giggles]

This is Jim Lahey, signing off

with another one of my
exciting liquor stories.

Great.

Did you get a close up of that?

And cut.

[classical instrumental]

It's Jim Lahey

with another one of my
exciting liquor stories.

And this is something

[slurring] that you're
gonna be really happy with

I'm gonna teach you
something that's gonna

impress all your friends
and neighbors.

Here's too you.

Skull baker jean

Ah, you gotta

when you skull you gotta

fuckin' drink

you drink Jim, don't be stupid.

- You probably--

- I don't want to

- I know who you want to be.

- What?

- A horse.

- No, he wants to be

- He wants to be a race horse.

- He wants to be a
shaved gorilla.

So he can just go to the gym.

[laughter]

- I would not want to
be a gorilla.

- He could go to the
gorilla gym.

- I Actually, I would like
to be a gorilla

for maybe an hour.

That's it.

Not when I'm this baked though.

- What would you do
as a gorilla?

- Whatever I wanted man,

I'd be just checking you know

walking into stores,

just grabbing shit,

leaving.

- So you want to be a gorilla.

- So you know what's fucked,

but we've all thought
about it at some point?

- What?

- Being an animal

part of an animal.

- No, I don't want to
be an animal

but I would like to
have eagle talons,

- Anyway.

- and wings.

- Okay, anyways.

- I'd like to get in a fuckin'
boat

with pedal paddles,

at some point.

Maybe a swan.

- We'll go on the peddle paddle

or the pedal pedal boats.

- Maybe a fuckin' shaved gorilla

peddle paddle boat

- Why? Why is everybody
saying paddle twice?

- I don't know.

Because you say it man.

- It's just a paddle boat.

It's not a paddle paddle
boat or a peddle paddle

- Pedal Paddle.

- It's not a pedal paddle.

- Well there's
peddle's that pedal.

pedals that make the
paddles for the uh

- For little later on.

- Oh right on

- Jesus, Thank you

- Oh my god.

- Fuck, Ron.

- I love this place,

I love it here.

Look at the crystals

- Boys I can't--

- What did he give us?

There's some shoreline.

- Okay. Looks delicious.

- There's some--

- wonderful.

- There's some

something Hilton.

So there's Hilton.

I think it says or
[unintelligable] I don't know.

- Yeah.

- And there's Ag13.

He said that's the

- That's the crazy shit.

- That's the nuclear.

- All right.

- Nuclear stuff.

- Looks like it's gonna be
an interesting afternoon.

Yeah.

Yeah, we'll go to the

- Piddle paddle.

- We'll go to the kitty.

Let's, so here,

let's just do a quick recap.

- Okay.

- Before we wind her up here.

we're gonna go for swim
in the canal.

- You are.

- You are.

- We're gonna go piddle paddlin'

- I'm doing that.

Yes.

Baked.

- Going to the cat museum.

- Maybe.

- Maybe.

- No, maybe we're going to the

fuckin' cat museum.

- We'll see

- We'll see.

- We're gonna go look at animals

and decide which ones
we wanna be.

- No, we're not doing that.

- We're doing that.

- Aren't we?

- No, there's just no.

- It'll be fun.

- We're not talking
about animals and,

what we want to be.

- Well, it depends on
what we see.

We might see
something and then go,

see.

- Okay. That's

okay

- I need an eye shower.

- You have to what?

- An eye shower.

Cause now my eyes are
all dry from

- An eye shower?

- Well, I had tears
from a bit of laughing.

- What's an eye.

How do you do eye shower?

Ricky?

- Just hold the shower
over your eye.

- It's just called a shower.

Ricky

You don't have to call it--

- I don't need to wash
anything else though,

just here, its all sticky.

- If you're gonna get
into a shower fuckin'

do the whole thing, man.

- All right.

What else on the list
besides what?

- When you take eye
shower, you get all your

get your rag off?

Or do you just get in
with your clothes on?

- Not if I'm just
having eye shower.

I don't have them that
often when I do.

Yeah, just I get the
little handy,

little handy shower.

Take that.

Just you can be fully clothed

- Another way to do
it, which is real easy.

- What?

- Is piss into the wind.

- Yeah, I guess.

But then you're
covered in your own.

- All right.

Let's wrap this up boys.

Let's go get some done, man.

- [whispering] Just stop
talking and look at the camera.

- Which camera?

[soft piano music]

[seagull squawks]

- Fuck

- Fuck

- Fuck

- Fuck

- Fuck

- Fuck

- Fuck

[fades out]

- [whispering] Fuck off.

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