All language subtitles for Trailer Park Boys Show s01e01.eng

- [Ricky] Warning, the followin'
program

contains really coarse language,

weed, alcohol consumption,
smoking,

and sexual in-fer-fer-lences.

This content may not be
suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big go
[beep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[poignant piano melody]

[birds chirping]
[children chattering]

- [Ricky] How can I
stretch my legs?

- What?

- Yeah, I wanna-

- You just lean over
and stretch them, like.

- 'Cause people are gettin'
famous with longer shit.

Long neck.

- [Bubbles] What?

- There's some rapper called,

I forget what he's called,

something long neck?

- Daddy Long Neck.

- Yeah. I wanna be
Daddy Long Legs.

- Oh, so you mean stretch them?

You don't mean, like,
get limbered up,

like, before you play
hockey, do stretches.

- No. Make them super fuckin'
long.

- You mean permanently
stretch them?

- Yeah. I'd like to add a
foot if I could.

- You don't want. Rick, no man.

- You want to elongate
your legs by a foot?

- You can get it done.

They can go in and fuckin'
hack a piece.

- Well, how do they do that?
Do they-

- They can't extend your
legs by a foot.

- They can.

I thought they could do
that now, man.

They'll chop the fucking, chop
you off at the shin, right?

- Who the fuck? Did you
ever hear about-

- Put piece of bone in there,
fuckin'.

- gettin' shin extensions.

- Don't know, man. It's
probably a movie I watched.

[Ricky chuckles]

- And a foot?

I mean, you're addin' that
much shin bone- to yourself.

- Well, yeah. You're gonna
look pretty fucked up.

- So, from you knee
to your foot,

- Yeah.

- you're knee to your
foot's gonna be like that.

- You'd look fucked up,
but I'm just sayin' if you-

- [Ricky] Yeah, but
you'd be famous and rich.

- don't go to the extreme, maybe
you could talk to somebody.

- [Ricky] You'd be
famous and rich as fuck.

- Ricky, they could
probably do it.

- Daddy Long Neck.

- You could probably do
it digitally.

Digitally stretch your legs.

- But then how do you
do a concert?

[Bubbles chuckles]

- Stilts.

- Stilts.

- Pross-letics.

- I would not wanna
see him on stilts, man.

- Yeah, why don't you just
stand on stilts

and get long pants.

That's much easier than gettin'
a surgery.

- No, you gotta show, you
gotta show them naked,

or people won't buy it.

- [Julian] Get the operation,
man.

- How much would it cost,
do you think?

- To get your legs
extended by a foot?

- Yeah, must be countries who
would specialize in that area.

- So, okay, they insert
new bone in between your,

what the fuck do they
wrap around it,

prosciutto?

- Skin.

- Skin, but you've gotta
have meat in there.

What do they fill it, like,
what the fuck-

- They get, fuckin',
they find somebody

that just got fuckin'
whacked or something, right?

They're like, "Okay, this
is a fuck, this is a match."

- So they just saw a foot
out of his shin

and just insert it.

- Just saw, just boom,
some screws.

Fuckin', some stitches.

Connect the nerves.

- So at some point your legs
have been amputated for this,

to get this operation.

- Yeah.

- At some point they're
cut clean through.

- They're fuckin' cut
right, right in two, man.

- And do they make
them work again?

Or do you have no
feeling in your feet?

- [Julian] I don't know man.

Like I said, this is probably
a movie that I watched

when I was fucked up.

- 'Cause it'd be hard to attach
the nerves, I would think.

Even the veins, gettin'
the blood going.

- Yes Ricky, it would
be next to impossible.

- There's somebody out
there doin' it, man.

- Well, if they could
transplant a head,

they can probably
transplant legs.

- They can't transplant a head.

- Yeah. It's been done.

- A head transplant?

- I'm pretty sure it
happened in France

or somethin' like that.

[Bubbles chuckles]

- A head transplant.

See, now that's fucked.

- No, there's never
been a head transplant.

- It took a long time, but they,

it was pretty successful
from what I read.

- Pretty successful?

- Yeah.

- What's that mean?

What's the downfall.

- Rick, I'm gonna, I'll
look this up for you, okay?

- I got a head transplant.

Came out about 95%.

- Yeah, not everything took,
I guess.

[bong bubbling]

[Ricky coughs]

- [Ricky] Gonna make some
good fuckin' money here, boys.

- [Julian] Let's just fuckin'
get this over with, Rick.

[Ricky coughs]

- [Ricky] But fuck, this
is a good time, boys.

Tell me that's not the
best fuckin' dope

you ever smoked, Bubs.

- [Bubbles] Should I be
gettin' baked for this boys?

- [Ricky] Yes, Bubbles,
get high. This is fun.

[radio buzzes]
[switch snaps]

- [Bubbles] Walkie check, Ricky.

- [Ricky] Good check.

- [Bubbles] Water
bong's so smooth

you don't realize how
high you're getting

'til it's too late.

- [Ricky] Bubbles,
you're breakin' up.

Switch to channel two, okay?

Just turn on the
radio and relax.

Everything's fine.

- [Bubbles] Channel two?

VHS, what's that thing?

[packages rustling]

[radio plays upbeat music]
[Bubbles sings along]

♪ You forgot to buy some
food, now it's late ♪

♪ You'd like a tasty
snack, but it's late ♪

[Bubbles sings over PA]

♪ Come down to Green Gables,
morning noon or night ♪

- [Ricky] I know I'm baked,

but doesn't that sound like
it's comin' through the PA?

- [Julian] Fuck, it
sounds like it, man.

♪ Everything all right

- [Ricky] Bubbles,
everything you say

is comin' over the PA right now.

- [Bubbles] Ricky, I
am fucked up out here.

I don't mean to interrupt

your meat-stealin'
operation there, boys.

But, I need to keep talkin'
to you 'til you get back.

I'm freakin' out a little bit.

- [Ricky] Bubbles, every
fuckin' word you're saying

is comin' over the PA.

[Bubbles talks on speaker]

- [Julian] He must have his
finger on the button, man.

He can't hear us.

- [Ricky] Fuck.

[Bubbles giggles]

[radio plays upbeat music]
[Bubbles sings along]

- ♪ Dial this number.

♪ It's the key to travelin'
quick. ♪

[Bubbles singing over speakers]

- [Ricky] Fuck. Meat dicks,
meat dicks.

- [Julian] These are
just birthday presents.

You have no right to
look in them.

We're gonna leave now.

All right, let's leave. Calmly,
come on.

- [Bubbles] Oh, I'm fuckin'
high!

[sanguine string quartet]

- [Mr. Lahey] About two
billion people across the world

consume liquor.

A small percentage of those

fall into the
category of excess.

But whether you drink a
little, or you drink a lot,

every drop of liquor
tells a different story.

[music builds proudly]

[light classical piano music]
[ice cubes tinkling]

- This fuckin' shit is
easy as shit.

Look at this.

Hey, how you doin' everybody?

This is Jim Lahey and
presenting you another,

oh, wait a sec, just
wait a second.

Are you rollin'?

Yeah, I'm rollin'.

Act one, no, take one.
[hands clap]

Scene two, camera rolling.

Action. Ca... oh, sound too.

♪ Everything's fuckin' comin'
up roses, ♪

'cause Jim Lahey is operating
all by himself today

for the most incredible
liquor story there ever was.

And do you know why?

Because it's dealin' with the
purest of all the beverages.

And that's vodka.

In Russia, they say wadka.

In Poland they say vodka.

But they argued 500 years ago.

Who's the person who
started vodka off

by throwin' in the fuckin'
old potatoes

and the boots and the
rhubarb and the rubbish.

Who started the vodka?

Hey, who started hockey?

Who gives a fuck?

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,

when you drink vodka,

the thing is that

you have to take a
little sippy-poos.

Just little wee sippy-poos.

[ice tinkles]

You have to drink with
the grain of the liquor.

And then after a while,

[ice tinkles]

you can take bigger drinks.

And then after a
while after that

you can take big, big,
big, big, big, drinks.

[vodka sloshes]

I think I'll do a wrap around.

[Mr. Lahey glugs]

We'll wrap around.
I'll wrap around.

Wanna see Jim Lahey,
Jim Lahey show?

You know, that's the
thing about.

Oh my god.

Once you drink vodka, it
gives you a kind of spirit of,

of any, you can do
anything competent.

First time we ever got
drunk on vodka,

I was about like 12 or 11
or something like that.

I forget what it was, but I was,

I still had a little
[indistinct].

But anyway, I,

I was walkin' on a fence.

The fence was that fuckin'
thick.

And I was walkin' along
the top of the fence.

Never fell off.

I discovered that you can
do just about anything

when you're drinkin' vodka.

It's the most incredible,

oh, I discovered that
I can stand on my head.

Look at this!

Look at this!

Ta da!

For fuck's sakes.

Collateral damage.

It's okay.

Yeah.

Ah, where was I?

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

When you drink vodka,

you are at the a-pix-a-me

of your abilities,

sexually,

spiritually,

emotionally.

Did I tell you

that vodka,

You can use that to
anti-sep-ti-size your wounds

and your cuts and stuff.

You know that

durin' the Three Mile Island,

you know, Per-Noble thing,

they used vodka to clean off

the radioactive nucle-ides
from poor cocksuckers

that's in the, stuck
up the [words slurred].

The but I tell you,

without a doubt.

Ah.

What was I saying?

Oh yes.

Cheers.

♪ For you're a golly
[words slurred] ♪

♪ For your a volly good ch...

[vodka sloshing]

[Mr. Lahey gurgles]

♪ For your a volly good cello

♪ Nobody can deny.

This afternoon, guess
what I'm doin'

after I have a couple
more little drinky-poos,

just for courage.

I'm gonna try

a brand new sport.

Yours truly, Jim Lahey, 69.

Still get it up, get it in,
get it off and get it out

in under one minute.

Ta da!

Do you know what I'm doin'
this afternoon?

I am gonna take up
skateboarding.

It looks like a lot of fun.

I can do skateboarding,

just like those other
little fuckers.

You can,

Ow! For fuck's sakes!

[Mr. Lahey groans]

Nevermind.

I'll get her down.

It'll be okay.

Tune
[gibberish]

Toom in next week

to see

Jim Lahey

and another liquor story.

Don't worry.

♪ Everything is gonna
be wonderful ♪

♪ Wonderful

♪ Wonderful

And cut.

[vodka sloshing]

Say, this wasn't fuckin'
bad at all.

[upbeat piano music]

♪ Schools they can fuck off

♪ And teachers can
suck my cock ♪

♪ I'm drunk and I'm high

♪ And this is Getting'
Learnt with Ricky ♪

- [Ricky] How's up that, Bubs?

It fuckin' sucked, didn't it?

I told you, I can't fuckin'
sing.

Welcome back to Getting' Learnt
with Ricky, with me, Ricky.

Today, I'm gonna get you
learnt on how to deal

with those little six-legged
fuck faces we call ants.

You don't have to buy a
bunch of fuckin'

big chemicals and all
that fancy shit.

Just fuckin' need some stuff
that's around your house.

So let's get learnt on how
the fuck to deal with ants.

[objects clattering]

For fuck's sakes.

I fuckin' hate ants.

And when you live in a car,

you gotta deal with the
little fuckers all the time.

So, by accident, I've kind
of found with a lot of ways

you can fuckin' deal with
those little cocksuckers

without spendin'
money at the store

on chemicals and bullshit
which you don't need.

It smells and

[metal clanging]

fuckin' kids could get into it.

Or somebody might get drunk
and high at your fuckin' party

and put it in your drink
or feed it to your pets.

So, fuck buyin' chemicals.

This red fuckin' pepper.

Put that around.

We're gonna make a
little circle here.

I actually trapped some
little fuckin' ants earlier.

Fuck heads.

This stuff here, they do
not fuckin' like at all.

You see this shit?

They don't fuckin' come
back near you at all.

If you don't have any of
the red pepper,

what the fuck is it called,
actually?

I know it's,

kay-ee-nee pepper.

That's the shit that works good.

If you don't have any of
that, salt works pretty good.

So, may as well just
put a bit of that down.

Oh, fuck, that's not salt.

Bakin' soda.

Well, I don't have any salt,
so we'll use bakin' soda.

Hopefully, it works.

And fuckin' oranges.

Now I had oranges and
orange peels around the car

and I don't know
which one it was,

so we'll put a bit
of both there.

Actually, the best thing
probably to do

is just to put all this
in a blender.

[blender grinding]

No, it doesn't like that at all.

I guess if we throw a bit of
water in, that could help.

Fuck.

[blender grinding]

All right.

Fuck.

Jesus.

Must have a little short
in it somewhere.

Oh, fuck.

Just take a bit of this,

and we'll just sprinkle a
little bit of that around too.

Nice little mixture there.

This is really good for
puttin' in the fuckin' nest.

We're gonna get to that later.

Get really high and you follow
the little fuckers around

for a while.

Find their nest and pour
this shit down there,

and they're, like, bye-bye.

They're the fuck outta there.

They hate this shit.

[Ricky bangs the blender]

The only other thing that
they don't like at all

is fuckin' vinegar.

So what I like to do
is take a spray bottle.

[Ricky sniffs]

I don't know what the
fuck that is.

You just pour that out.

[liquid splashing]

Fill that up with vinegar.

[liquid sloshes]

Maybe a bit of water.

So you don't have to waste
all the fuckin' vinegar.

Shake that shit up.

You can spray this
around your house.

But, same thing, if you wanna
get rid of the fuckin' nest

once you follow the little
fuckers back to the nest,

pour this shit down there.

Or this shit, they both work.

Or all of it.

Spray a bit of this around.

They fuckin' hate this shit.

And just to test it out,

see if we can find some
little ants in here.

All right, you're free,
motherfuckers.

See, there's a little
fucker right there,

and just keeps runnin'
around in circles.

He doesn't wanna go near
any of this shit.

He hates it.

Once you have the ants trapped,

you can either suck 'em up with
one of these fuckin' things.

These work pretty good.

[vacuum whirrs loudly]

Or if that didn't work,

I mean, you could just

put a little lighter
fluid on it,

or hit 'em with the torch.

[gas hissing]

I use the torch for
pretty much everything.

So that would pretty
much take care of those.

I guess if you don't
have a torch,

WD-40 can be fun.

Just kind of use one of
these, a little safer.

[lighter clicking]

[flames whooshing]

Fuck! Just try not to do that.

But yeah, you get the idea.

That works pretty good.

So once you killed the
little fuckers in your house,

you put this shit up,

so they can't get in your
house anymore.

Then you gotta get high as fuck,

have a drink,

find a couple ants and
start following

the little fuckers back
to their nest.

And that's when you get
down to business.

[flames whooshing]

[Ricky inhales]

This could take a while.

So you should allow at least

a couple beer and a
couple joints, but.

Come on you little
fuckers, where do you live?

Okay, we're gettin' close.

I'm startin' to see a
lot more ants.

Holy fuck.

There we go. Bingo.

Look at these fuckin' things.

So now that we found the nest,

go back and get my stuff.

And where gonna come

and fucking extinguish
these little fuckers.

Oh yeah, lemons work fuckin'
good too

if you don't have any oranges.

All right, so let's
kill the fuckin' thing.

[objects clattering]

Fuckin' asshole.

Time to take care of these
little fuckers.

I think we'll start with
some of this little mixture

that I made up, oranges
and orange peels.

I know they hate this shit.

So we'll put some of that down.

You take your salt,

put a bunch of that shit down.

Oh shit, it's not salt, is it?

It's that other shit.

They fuckin' hate vinegar.

So we're gonna give 'em
some of that.

[mixture fizzing]

Whoa, I don't know why
the fuck that's happened.

That's pretty cool.

This is really startin'
to piss them off.

Look at them.

They're all like, "What
the fuck is this shit?

It's no fuckin' good to us."

A bit of pepper.

Now, if you want,

you could just leave that
there like that.

Probably take, I don't know,
a few days,

maybe a week, and they'll
be gone eventually.

'Cause they do hate this shit.

They see this stuff and, like,

"Okay, we gotta move on.
This is fucked."

You don't wanna wait that long,
then

get some of this
stuff or some gas,

mix it with a bit of oil,

'cause gas by itself is
pretty fuckin' flame-y.

You know, and don't be
afraid to use a lot of it.

Maybe spray a bit of, uh,

DW on it.

They don't like that
shit either.

Fuck.

Little fucker.

[Ricky sighs]

And you can use a lighter,

but I like to use a blow
torch for everything.

[flames whooshing]

They don't fuckin' like
that much at all.

Let that burn for a minute.

Throw some vinegar on there.

[liquid splashing]
[fire hisses]

And pesto!

No more fuckin' ants.

Well, there's a few there, so.

You get a few little stragglers,

you might wanna hit them
with the torch a little bit.

[torch whooshing]

They don't like the
torch at all.

[torch whooshing]

It's kind of funny, just smoke
a joint, drink your beer.

So it's not really pesto,

but it does get rid of 'em
pretty fuckin' quick anyway.

All right.

Well, I'm Ricky.

This has been Getting'
Learnt with Ricky.

Another episode.

That's how you fuckin' kill ants

without using those chemicals

and all that shit
that's bad for you.

Fuck off 'til next time.

[upbeat piano music]

[jingle music]

♪ It's time for Mailbag

♪ Motherfuckers

♪ This is where we get
free shit in the mail ♪

♪ And show it to everyone

♪ Gettin' free shit is so
much fuckin' fun, yeah! ♪

- Wow.

- It's time for Mailbag,
motherfuckers.

- The ultimate hot bag,
hot bag box

- I'm excited to be here.

- Yeah, well, we'll see.

- Don't touch me.

- People were told-
- Don't fuckin' touch me

- they could send
some shit to you

We shall see.

- I hope so.

- People said they were goin'
to that's why got you here.

- The fuck is that over there?

- It's all good.

- Coronavirus?

- Where?

- This thing right here.

[metal clanging]

- It's Patrick's Swayze.

- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, we opened this thing.

- Oh, okay.

[they laugh]

- Looked like fuckin'
coronavirus.

- Way too fucked up to be-
[crosstalk]

- Okay, it's a mini
mailbag day, it looks like.

Oh, fuck.

[Bubbles sings]

♪ Oh, we got letters.

- Lots of letters.

♪ We got letters.

- They all go to Pat, I think.

♪ We got stack and
stacks of letters. ♪

- That says Mike Smith.

- Mike Smith and Rob Wells.

- We gotta read it together.

- This one's Mike Smith.

- This one's-

- You're in the mailbag.

- This one's from-
[crosstalk]

- "Take the time to
read my letter."

- This is from
Douglas Doc Dalton

- This one is too.

- Let's see what we're in here.

- There's not one for JP
from Douglas Doc Dalton?

- Yeah, no, thank you
for not sendin' me one

'Cause you know that I, you
know I don't like readin'.

- Let's see what Doc
has to say here.

"Thank you from the
bottom of my heart

for takin' the time to
read my letter.

I just wanted to take a
moment to tell

you how much of an
inspiration you are.

After a career in the military
that left me disabled,

I started writin' letters
to individuals

that I find inspirational
that made an impact

in my life directly
or indirectly.

Writing these letters is
very therapeutic

and helps me to cope and
deal with the injuries.

I have a degree from
Western Michigan University

in American history."

[Bubbles and Ricky
read together]

"I spend time meetin'
other veterans otherwise

and capturin' their stories."

- [Bubbles] Recently.

- Same letter?

- "I've been-"
- That was cool.

- "diagnosed with early
onset Alzheimer's at age 42."

Fuck!

That sucks fuckin' moose cocks.

- "Writin' these
letters to help keep

my mind and memory as sharp
and balanced as possible

by writing you you're
having direct impact

on my rehabilitation.

I thank you for that.

I would like to respectfully
request the chance

to get an autograph from you,
if possible.

I have very limited funds

and I will trade my
autograph for yours.

This would mean a
great deal to me.

I'd cherish it for a lifetime.

I know it's a long shot
requestin' this,

and I pray for this
request is granted.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Deeply appreciate
your generosity

in fulfilling this request.

Thank you, respectfully,

Doug Dalton, combat
medic, sergeant, retired."

- Three combat tours to
Afghanistan, 2009 to 15.

- 506th Infantry Regiment,
101st Airborne Division,

Band of Brothers.

Listen, Doug, you're fuckin'
right

you're gonna get an autograph.

[crosstalk]

- God damn right.

- You're gonna get some
shit from us.

Normally, I fuckin' scorn
people that send letters,

but not you, bud.

That's fuckin' shitty.

But, yeah, look there's
a picture of Doug there.

Look at that shit.

- [Julian] You're an
inspiration to us too, Doug.

- [Ricky] Amazing.

- They should look,

the military should be
fuckin' lookin' after Doug

and anything Doug has
wrong with him.

U.S. military, you gotta
look after Doug

- [Ricky] Agreed.

- Yeah.

- Come on, Doug fuckin'
put in his time.

And Doug did the shit
for the country.

Now it's your turn to
fuckin' take care of Doug.

We're gonna send you some shit,
Doug.

Thanks for writin' us the
letter, buddy.

- Let's put these over
here and the-

- It's weird, he didn't
write you one.

Only me and Rob inspire him.

He must think you're a dick.

- [Ricky] Well, he is a dick.

- [Ricky] All right,
that's all I got. Let's go.

- Good job, Ricky.

- All right, are we done?

- I believe so, yeah.

I think that's gonna
wrap this one up.

- All right. Let's do it man.

- Bye-bye.

Fuck off.

[birds squawking]

[waves lapping]

[boat chugging]

- [Fish] Oh fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, oh fuck, fuck, fuck.

Ooh, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck off, fuck, fuck.

Jesus Christ!

[metal whooshing]

[wildcat growls]

[Whispering voice] Fuck off.

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