All language subtitles for Lopez vs Lopez s01e02 Lopez vs Anxiety.eng

- Help! Help!

[gags] Intruder!

My big, strong partner
will kill you.

And he's white,
so he won't even go to jail.

Ah!

[groans]

- Are you okay?

- No.

It took you over 30 seconds
to respond.

- Are you making a TikTok
about home invasions?

- You know I always worry
about break-ins.

Having a plan calms me.

So just go downstairs,
and when you hear me,

grab a weapon
and then run back in.

Help! Help!

- Bam!

Hey, bro, stop choking my lady.

She's not even into that.

- A hairbrush?

That's only a weapon
if you have lice.

- Can you keep it down?

I'm already dealing
with your son

in the top bunk,
who's trying to pick

my nose with his big toe.

- Look, it's our
permanent intruder.

- Hey, I told you guys,
I'm only staying here

till my moving business
gets back on its feet--

five years, tops.

- If you heard me
yelling for help,

why didn't you try to save me?

- You think I can't tell
when somebody's faking it?

I learned a lot
being married to your mom.

- And you never said anything?
- Of course not.

'Cause admitting it would
have meant I had to try harder.

It was fine.

I got mine's, you know?

Good night!

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

- Ay, women in these
true crime stories

always fall for a scam artist,
don't they?

It's like their mothers
didn't teach them

how to spot a cochino.

- Beer, game, quiet.

- I'm not sure
your mother taught you

to spot one, either.

- What the hell
are you doing, cochino?

- It's the seventh inning.

You want to know
how your show ends?

It's the way they always end.

She dies,
and the husband did it.

- If you don't give me
that remote, tonight,

the ex-wife is gonna do it.

- You guys aren't even
watching, anyways.

You're on your phone
half the time.

- Sorry, what?

I just got a notification
on my Citizen Alert app.

- Oh, no, what happened?

- Wait a minute.

There's an app that can track
if you're a citizen?

Mayan, do me a favor.
Propose to Oscar.

- He's your best friend
and weed guy.

You marry him.

- He doesn't trust me.

He knows
I'll never be faithful.

You and your life partner,
Quinten,

aren't married, anyways.

You're living in this house
in shame.

- George,
they're not living in shame.

- Thanks, Mom.

- They're living in sin.

- Anyway, the Citizen Alert app
just alerts you

about crimes happening nearby.

Like earlier,
there was a report of a drunk

in a green hoodie
stealing lemons from a yard.

- Not drunk yet.

You know, back in the day,

our Citizens Alert
was Doña Paloma.

She could tell you who got shot
and who was cheating,

which is probably why
they got shot.

- Speaking of getting shot,

did you hear all those
gunshots last night?

- Yeah, I told Chance
they were fireworks

so that he wouldn't get scared.

- He doesn't know
the difference?

My grandfather
taught me the difference

when I was three years old.

I know gunfire like
a rich person knows wine.

Like, that is a 2009...

.45 caliber--wait--

chrome handle.

- Did you hear
about the break-in

a couple of blocks away?
- No. How did I miss that?

- Oh, it was on the Citizen
Alert last Tuesday night.

- Oh, well, that's the night
when Quinten and I are...busy.

Why am I apologizing?

This is a sex-positive house,
okay?

We get biz-ay.

On Tuesdays between "Top Chef"

and "Below Deck Mediterranean."

- Of course,
you two schedule it.

- You used to schedule it,
too, just not with me.

- Oh, my God, I found the post.

The family was home, and they
had to fight the guy off?

I gotta chill out.
That reminds me.

I forgot to take
my pill this morning.

- Uh-oh.

Last time I heard
your mother say that,

I became a father.

- It's not birth control.

I take them for my anxiety.

- Anxiety?
Who told you you had that?

- Uh, science.

A doctor prescribed them
to me years ago.

Before that,
I was in a constant state

of fear and feeling unsafe.

- That's not anxiety.
That's being brown in America.

They don't have
a pill for that.

- Ay, George, leave her alone.

She likes the pills.

- And you're okay with these?
What, is she slipping you some?

- No, I don't take those.
They dull your senses.

I'm not about to get kidnapped
and sex trafficked.

- I don't think there's
a market in sex trafficking

for some viejita with bunions.

- Hey, guys.

- Did you know the mother
of your child is on drugs?

- Just a little gummy on
Tuesday nights when we're--

Busy.

- Dad is freaking out
because he just found out

I take anti-anxiety pills.

- Because there's
nothing wrong with you.

Your generation is just looking
for an excuse to take drugs.

You're all like, oh, Chastity,
you look so depressed.

Have you tried
microdosing shrooms?

It'll change your life.

- George, my sister,
Chastity, was depressed.

And it did change her life.

- What I'm saying is,
you only need to take pills

if you're a real loca,
like my tía Mimi,

the one that used to talk
to her plants.

- Studies show that
actually helps them grow.

- She didn't own any plants.

- Anti-anxiety medications
are a great coping mechanism.

It's just like this new
vibrating tool I ordered.

- Ay, careful.

You give Mayan one of those,

she's not gonna need you
on Tuesdays.

- We have those,
and we use them on Wednesdays

between "Chicago Med"
and "Chicago Fire."

- Yeah, yeah!

- Yes, sir!

- No, this is a biofeedback
device that you wear.

It vibrates and beeps
when you're anxious

to remind you
to take deep breaths.

- You paid for something
that reminds you to breathe?

If you're worried about safety,

you need to get
a security system.

- We can't afford that.

I mean,
I would have gotten one,

but we had to use our savings
to finish the kitchen

because someone
didn't let me know

about his financial problems.

- They're called boundaries,
Chastity.

Respect them.

- Quinten, let's go see
if this thing works.

You can trigger my anxiety

by trying to explain NFTs
to me again.

- Yes.

- She doesn't feel safe
in this house.

That's not good.

I'm gonna secure
this house myself.

It's not gonna
cost them anything.

- Oh, no, I know your idea
of a security system.

It's doing a chalk outline
of a dead body in the driveway.

- No one wants to be the second
dead body in the driveway.

* *

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

- You really think someone
might break in here?

- No.

You know this was
my grandma's house, right?

When I grew up,
it was much more dangerous,

and we never had a problem.

- Really?
- Yep.

Because the Latinos,
we would look after each other.

It's the hipsters now
that are moving in,

coming home with 30 bags
from Target.

They become the target.

- My dad loves Target.

- Yeah, well, good thing
he's not your real dad.

- Yes, he is.

Mommy says you just say that
to mask your own insecurities

since your dad left you.

- Damn.

That cut like a knife. Up top.

- Where you want
these ADT signs?

- Um, let's put two in the
front and put two in the back.

- I thought we couldn't afford
a security service.

- We don't need the service.
We got the signs.

- What if they don't
believe the signs?

- Nah, no one's
getting in here.

I secured all the windows
and doors.

No one's getting in.

- Is that a challenge?

- It can be.

You don't have
any money to bet.

How about we bet
a little hello?

- A little hey there.

- A little how you doing?

- My son's here.

How about we say goodbye
to the hello?

- Grandpa, can we show Dad

the coolest part
of your system?

- Yeah. Hey, get the lights.

- What? Yes!

Are those
motion-detecting lasers?

- Watch.
I know how to beat them.

- Okay, Tomasito Cruise.

Oh, what the hell is that?
One got loose.

- Wait, shouldn't they trigger
an alarm or something?

- No, they're just
laser pointers

I taped up around the room
and connected them to a remote.

- What's the point, then,
make all the cats

in the neighborhood go insane?

A-ha.
That's--

I'm sorr--this is ridiculous.

- What's ridiculous is that
Mayan's afraid of a break-in,

and all she's got
to protect her is a man

whose only weapon is karma.

- Ha! Thank you.

- It's not a compliment.

You don't make your woman
feel safe, bro.

- Oh, I'm pretty sure
she feels safe with me.

I can handle
any kind of intruder.

- Yeah, said the man
wearing a double wrist brace

for carpal tunnel.

- This is preventative.

The Genius Bar is
a physically demanding job.

I wipe porn off of at least
100 computers a day.

And my hand, it hurts.

- Porn makes my hand hurt too.

- What's the point
of you being here

if you can't step up
like a real man?

If you won't protect
my daughter, then I will.

- Oh, come on.

You didn't.

- This is your new
security system,

built with the finest parts
the 99 Cent Store has to offer.

- You put tape
on my beautiful walls?

This paint is Eva Longoria
for Walmart.

[device buzzing]

- What's that?

It can't be
the smoke detectors.

I got rid of those
useless things

to make room for the lasers.

- It's the biofeedback device
reminding me to breathe.

- Oh, I thought
it was my pager.

And then I was like,
it's not 1992, man.

And then I wished it was 1992.

And then I got sad.

Then--

- Zip it, Leech & Chong.

I want you guys to get rid
of all this stuff now.

- I got this, babe.

I want you guys to get rid
of all this stuff now.

- All right,
we're almost done, anyways.

Hey, Oscar, grab that chalk
and go lay down outside.

I'll trace your dead body.

- Dad, this isn't helping.

If anything,
it's making my anxiety worse.

- No, Mayan, those pills
are making your anxiety worse.

And let's face it, anxiety
is not even a real thing.

- Excuse me?

- Yeah, it's like Dracula
or, you know,

global warming,
peanut allergies.

- You know this is
a nut-free household, right?

- Trust me, it's not.

- That's it.

You don't get to say
what's real for me.

You can't tell me
that my feelings aren't valid.

- I think your feelings
are valid about the paint.

What are they,
like, $33 a gallon?

- Okay, so you're just gonna
make light of this

and walk away?

- That's the plan.

- Don't make me look fat, bro.

* *

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

- What are you doing
with my delicates?

That pull-up bar
is my drying rack.

- Not now, Mayan.
I'm in beast mode.

Ah!

- [gasps]

Are you okay?

- [wheezing]

I'm gonna go get
the Shake Weight.

- What is going on?

Why are you working out
at 11:00 p.m.?

- Because, babe, I can't--

I can't rest thinking that
I am not capable

of physically protecting you.

- Oh, you don't have
to worry about that.

I've realized I'm so loud,
the neighbors will just hear

my screams and call the cops.

Isn't that right, Eleanor?

- Okay, so you don't
have any faith in me,

and your dad says I'm not
a man, which is so toxic,

but it still--it hits me
right in the gut,

which then makes me toxic too.

I don't deserve
my Notorious RBG shirt.

- Dad!
- Ah!

Mayan, don't call him
in here, please.

You're gonna make it worse.

- What's wrong?

- You.
You're dismissing my anxiety.

You're destroying my home.

And now you're insulting
Quinten by telling him

he's not a man?

- Well, a real man wouldn't
go snitching to his woman.

- You see? What did I say?

- Mayan, you're just nervous
because you don't think

your man will step up
in a time of crisis

because everything about him
says, "Eek! A mouse!"

- And everything about you
says Vegas buffet.

Leave him out of it.

- Why are you defending him?

You can't sleep comfortably in
your own house because of him.

- I can't sleep comfortably
in my own house because of you.

- What did I do?

- It's what you didn't do.

You weren't home.

Mom and I were alone
in the house,

and I was always worried

something bad was gonna happen.

It gave me so much anxiety.

Every night,
I'd pray that you'd

come back and protect us.

I never felt safe.

And that feeling
has never gone away.

[thumping]

- What was that?
- Not Chance. He's sleeping.

- Oh, my God.
Someone's in the house.

- Stay here.

[whispering] Oh, no.
Okay, come on.

Come on. Come on.

[grunts]
- Ow!

- Call the police!
I got him!

Stay down.

I am messed up in the head,
and I am dangerous

to myself and others.

- Oscar?
- What the hell, dude?

- You bet me I couldn't get
past your security system.

Yet here I am,
hemorrhaging internally.

- I thought
I secured everything.

Wow, man, somebody could have
really broken in.

Something bad could have
happened to Chance.

- Dad, it's okay.
We're all safe.

- No, sorry.
I just--I just gotta sit down.

- How did you get past
all his stuff?

- I didn't.

I never left the house.

But don't tell George.

It'll be our
dirty little secret.

Shh.

- Dad, are you okay?

- I can't--I can't breathe.

- Take a deep breath.

- I just told you
I can't breathe.

What's wrong with your ears,
ta loca?

You trying to kill me?
I'm already dying.

* *

- Okay, breathe in and now out.

- [exhales]

- Better?

So you just had
an anxiety attack.

- You know what, Mayan?
Stop being so extra.

I was flushed, I was sweating,
and my heart was racing.

- Those are the exact symptoms
of an anxiety attack.

And they happen to me too.

- So it's contagious.
You gave it to me.

- No, you and Mom
gave it to me.

And your parents
gave it to you.

Some people pass down wealth.

We pass down trauma.

- I might have gotten
a little something

passed down
from my grandmother.

You know, when she used to
get mad at me,

man, she used to lock me
in the closet.

That didn't feel great.

- Oh, my God, that's so scary.

- Yeah, it was scary.

And then that's the first time
I remember

getting that same bad feeling
that I just got right now.

- An anxiety attack?

- We don't have
to give it a name.

Eventually, I got too big
to fit in the closet.

She started locking me
in the neighbor's closet

because they had a walk-in.

- It's not easy
feeling this way,

but therapy and taking
medication help me manage it.

- I'm sorry that
I wasn't around.

But I thought me not being
around would be better for you

than me being there.

And I didn't want
to be the cause of, uh,

you know, of your--
of your anxiety.

- Thank you.

You acknowledging that
is actually making me

feel really calm right now.

- That's good.

Hey, and if those pills
you take

make you forget what I did,
I'm all for them.

- Oscar is gonna be okay.

His leg's not broken.
It's just a bad bruise.

- Hey, Quinten, way to step up
for your family, man.

- This is gonna sound crazy,
but I actually think

the spirit of RBG
was guiding me.

- And damn, was it sexy.

- I'm sorry, did Monday night
just become Tuesday night?

- Oh, yeah.

- [gags]

Is nausea a symptom of anxiety?

Because I think
I just backed up

some anxiety in my m--
[gags]

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

Just want you to know,
I patched up the walls

and threw away
all the laser pointers.

- I know.

Quinten and I fished them out
to play a little game

called Missionary Impossible.

- [gags]

It needs to be a little more
sex-negative around here.

- Mayan, did you see what just
happened on the Citizen Alert?

- No, I deleted the app.
It was stressing me out.

And now I know
if something does happen,

Quinten's got our back.

- Oh, so now she's too good
for the Citizen Alert.

- [clears throat]
All right, can you stop?

Because you're triggering me.

[breathes heavily]

- So now you have anxiety?

- It comes and goes,

depending on where you are.

Because--if I'm right here,

ay Dios mío, I can't breathe.

And then--

over here...
[inhales]

Much better.

* *

[bell jingling]

- You rang, for the eighth time
in 20 minutes?

- Yes.

Can I get a different pillow,
please?

Also, this popcorn
needs more salt.

And can you add some Tapatío?

From the packets,

not the bottle.

- When did the doctor say you'd
be back up on your feet again?

- I don't need a doctor.

You see, my pupusa guy

dates the cashier at CVS.

And she really requested
that I stay off of it

for about four weeks.

- And she didn't think
you could stay off of it

on your own couch?

- Might I remind you
that my pupusa guy...

Also caters lawyer conventions?

And he thinks what you did to
me was technically an assault.

- I'll get the Tapatío.

- Oscar!

Two pigeons are fighting
to the death over a pupusa.

- For real?
- Come and check it out, man.

Get your chalk!

And that's how you get him
off the couch.

* *

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