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- ♪ MTV ♪
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00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,922
- Coach Stefanski said we're
a shoe-in to win district,
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00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:13,709
as long as no one
gets COVID or an STD.
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00:00:13,796 --> 00:00:15,145
- Honey, I just
finished that off.
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00:00:15,232 --> 00:00:17,843
Is there more?
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00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:19,280
Shelly?
Shelly?
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00:00:19,367 --> 00:00:22,196
- Oh, yes, of course.
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00:00:22,283 --> 00:00:24,372
- Feeling overwhelmed,
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00:00:24,459 --> 00:00:27,897
like you just need a little
help to get through the day?
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00:00:27,984 --> 00:00:29,420
[soft music]
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- Hey, I heard pills.
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Everything okay?
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- When your pill habit gets in
the way of your regular life,
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00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:39,952
isn't it time to say enough?
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[pills rattling]
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- [grunts]
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What's going on?
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00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,523
Pills?
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00:00:45,610 --> 00:00:47,786
- No, just watching
a Brené Brown Ted Talk
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00:00:47,873 --> 00:00:49,223
and masturbating.
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00:00:49,310 --> 00:00:50,833
- Mom, you're scaring me.
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- It doesn't have
to be this way.
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There's help.
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00:00:55,142 --> 00:00:57,709
The abuse of prescription
drugs has grown exponentially
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00:00:57,796 --> 00:01:01,061
the past few years,
particularly among women
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00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:03,889
because of the pandemic
and "Euphoria."
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00:01:03,976 --> 00:01:07,284
But now there's
Silent Release,
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00:01:07,371 --> 00:01:10,592
a prescription bottle
made entirely of felt.
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00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:11,854
And not only
is the bottle quiet,
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the pills are coated
in marshmallow.
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So there are no
telltale noises to give away
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00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:18,513
your precious, sacred secret.
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You take lots
of loud-ass pills.
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Soft on the outside,
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so you can feel soft
on the inside
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00:01:25,824 --> 00:01:27,609
of your brain.
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You deserve to feel
exactly how you need to feel
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00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:32,918
just to get through
this endless crawl
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of a day and pointless
garbage existence
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that's wasted on you.
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Silent Release,
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if a pill falls
in a felt bottle
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and you don't hear it,
were you ever sad?
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♪ ♪
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- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
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- Ma'am?
- [laughs]
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- Ma'am, you doing okay?
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- I'm in a commercial.
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- Oh.
- [laughs]
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- You taken anything today?
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- I'll never tell.
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- Who are you talking to?
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- Get in this ball pit, girl.
[laughs]
54
00:02:07,953 --> 00:02:09,477
- Okay, thank you, oh.
55
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[upbeat spacey music]
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♪ ♪
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- Big pharma has made billions
getting Americans
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hooked on opioids,
and hopefully,
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one of them sees this
and is like, oh, cool.
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Here's a way we can
make even more money.
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♪ ♪
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- Tonight on
"Married a Monster,"
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00:02:41,726 --> 00:02:44,207
it was a storybook romance
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that turned
into a MacBook nightmare.
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- I wish I would
have done more.
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00:02:48,690 --> 00:02:51,127
I wish I would have said more.
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00:02:51,214 --> 00:02:54,261
- Little did Amy know that
her seemingly perfect husband,
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00:02:54,348 --> 00:02:56,654
Jeff,
was harboring a dark secret.
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00:02:56,741 --> 00:02:58,482
- I heard about this happening
to other women,
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and I thought
they were pathetic.
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Like, that could
never happen to me.
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00:03:04,096 --> 00:03:06,098
- I came home
from work early because it
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00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,536
was someone's birthday
at the office,
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00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:10,929
and those make me
uncomfortable.
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And I caught him red-handed
at his laptop.
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00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:15,717
He just looked up at me
and said,
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like it was nothing...
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- Hey, babe.
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Bitcoin is up 4%.
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00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,028
- And that was the moment
my whole world fell apart.
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- Oh, God, oh, no.
82
00:03:24,682 --> 00:03:28,599
- And I knew
that he was into crypto.
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- Every day, thousands
of women across the globe
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00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:34,430
find out their husband is,
like, really into crypto.
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Just, like, way too into it.
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Amy found herself
just another part
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of this gruesome statistic.
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- At first, it wasn't so bad.
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He would just find ways
to wedge Dogecoin
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into the conversation.
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But then pretty soon,
he was saying things like,
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be your own bank,
or when Lambo, or TLT.
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00:03:55,626 --> 00:03:59,716
- Think long-term.
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00:04:00,936 --> 00:04:03,243
- I mean, I always suspected
Jeff was a bit off.
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00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:06,420
On their first date,
he took her to see 21 Pilots.
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00:04:06,507 --> 00:04:08,160
But never
in a million years did
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00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,901
I think he would subject her
to a rant about the blockchain
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00:04:09,988 --> 00:04:11,773
every ten minutes.
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00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:13,949
- Things finally came
to a head on date night.
100
00:04:14,036 --> 00:04:15,864
- Ethereum actually
has a lot more utility
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00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:18,692
than Bitcoin,
which is just a store of value.
102
00:04:18,779 --> 00:04:20,303
But Ethereum does face
some real competition
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00:04:20,390 --> 00:04:22,697
from Cardano, Tezos, Solana.
104
00:04:22,784 --> 00:04:24,220
And what that means is...
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- By the time he used DeFi
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00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:29,573
as an abbreviation
for decentralized finance,
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00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:32,183
I knew
that I had married a monster.
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00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,143
- Hey, babe.
Have you seen my Nano?
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00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:36,667
My cowallet?
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00:04:36,754 --> 00:04:37,842
Candlesticks are
going crazy right now,
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00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:40,628
and my MetaMask
is offline, so--
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- No.
- Oh, shit.
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Cardano is going to the moon.
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HODL!
[laughs]
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I don't see
what the big deal is.
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Crypto paid for this house.
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00:04:50,942 --> 00:04:53,075
- But at what cost, Jeff?
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At what cost?
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00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:58,994
- About 7,100 tron,
which is a total shit coin,
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00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:00,909
but that was just a degen play,
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00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:02,345
and I only sold it
because of FUD.
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00:05:04,042 --> 00:05:06,523
- Fear, uncertainty, and doubt.
123
00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:10,092
- Help me.
124
00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:12,094
- The final straw came
when Amy went into the attic
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00:05:12,181 --> 00:05:14,357
to find her November pants
and found something
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that will haunt her nightmares
forever,
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00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:21,930
a homemade server farm
for mining crypto coin.
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00:05:22,017 --> 00:05:26,326
- No, no, no!
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00:05:26,413 --> 00:05:28,284
- I'm just grateful
we never had kids.
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- We have two kids.
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- Mommy!
- Mommy, Mommy!
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00:05:31,896 --> 00:05:33,158
- I'm thinking about
putting their college fund
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00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:36,379
into some NFTs,
maybe a few CryptoPunks.
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00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:37,946
both: Mommy, Mommy!
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00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:40,775
- [wails]
136
00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:42,994
- Next time on
"Married a Monster"...
137
00:05:43,081 --> 00:05:44,909
- I walked up the stairs
to our bedroom,
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00:05:44,996 --> 00:05:46,911
and he was there doing it.
139
00:05:46,998 --> 00:05:51,568
He was reading
Elon Musk's autobiography.
140
00:05:51,655 --> 00:05:53,353
- My good friend,
Rachel Feinstein,
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00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,311
is married to a firefighter.
142
00:05:55,398 --> 00:05:58,445
- All firefighters
love crypto and "kesh."
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00:05:58,532 --> 00:05:59,750
That's how they pronounce cash.
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00:05:59,837 --> 00:06:01,883
And for some reason,
they only trust
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00:06:01,970 --> 00:06:04,320
the most visible
and invisible forms of money.
146
00:06:04,407 --> 00:06:07,671
[upbeat spacy music]
147
00:06:12,676 --> 00:06:13,895
- Well, Amy,
thanks for coming in.
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00:06:13,982 --> 00:06:15,331
You know,
since your mom and dad's estate
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00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:17,986
passed control of their large
stock portfolio over to you,
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00:06:18,073 --> 00:06:19,553
I thought we could walk
through it together.
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00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,555
- Yeah, absolutely.
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00:06:21,642 --> 00:06:23,774
And if I could,
I just want to preface this.
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00:06:23,861 --> 00:06:26,777
I would love
to just say that my parents
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00:06:26,864 --> 00:06:28,475
were a little old-school.
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00:06:28,562 --> 00:06:29,650
- Mm.
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- You know, I just--
and I don't want
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00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:32,522
to say anything bad
about anyone
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00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:34,568
who just died in a fire.
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00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:38,572
But we just didn't really see
the world in the same way.
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So yeah, as I said
in my email, I just--
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00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:43,098
I would love
to invest in companies
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00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:45,666
that are a little more
ethical, sustainable, you know?
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00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:47,145
- Mm-hmm.
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00:06:47,232 --> 00:06:48,712
- And I just have
to say that I would
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love if my parents' money
could be a force for good.
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00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:52,716
- Absolutely, absolutely.
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00:06:52,803 --> 00:06:54,501
We can divest
from those industries.
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00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:56,241
- Good, great.
- No problem.
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00:06:56,328 --> 00:06:58,592
- I can sleep at night.
- Yeah.
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00:06:58,679 --> 00:07:00,463
Of course, doing so
will be less profitable.
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00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:02,160
- Oh my gosh, I get that.
Of course.
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00:07:02,247 --> 00:07:03,771
Yeah, but you can't
really put a price
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00:07:03,858 --> 00:07:05,163
on doing the right thing.
174
00:07:05,250 --> 00:07:06,600
- Mm-hmm.
- You know?
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00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:08,036
It's like the future
of humanity
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00:07:08,123 --> 00:07:09,211
is literally
in the balance, so...
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00:07:09,298 --> 00:07:12,214
- Mm.
- Yeah.
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00:07:12,301 --> 00:07:14,042
Mm.
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00:07:14,129 --> 00:07:20,918
But when you say
less profitable, like,
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00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:24,269
how much less profitable
are we talking about?
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00:07:24,356 --> 00:07:27,490
- Well, the portfolio was set
up to support you comfortably
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00:07:27,577 --> 00:07:28,839
into the foreseeable future.
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00:07:28,926 --> 00:07:30,406
- Yeah.
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00:07:30,493 --> 00:07:32,277
- So if we cut out
the traditional industries
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00:07:32,364 --> 00:07:33,714
and go heavy into renewables,
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00:07:33,801 --> 00:07:35,411
you may have
to supplement the income.
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00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:38,022
- Of course, and what do
you mean by supplement?
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00:07:38,109 --> 00:07:40,111
Like, supplement how?
189
00:07:40,198 --> 00:07:42,549
- Well, presumably
by getting a job.
190
00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:46,248
- Yeah.
191
00:07:46,335 --> 00:07:47,162
Me getting a job?
192
00:07:47,249 --> 00:07:48,946
- Well, yeah, you.
193
00:07:50,818 --> 00:07:55,082
- Okay, okay, yeah.
194
00:07:55,170 --> 00:07:56,301
- You got it?
195
00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:58,565
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
196
00:07:59,827 --> 00:08:01,306
You know what?
197
00:08:01,393 --> 00:08:03,744
I feel like maybe
I was being a little harsh.
198
00:08:03,831 --> 00:08:06,703
I came in here
on my high horse.
199
00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:11,926
Maybe I should just kind of
settle down a little bit.
200
00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:14,276
Let me just look
at the list of the things
201
00:08:14,363 --> 00:08:16,974
that I said I wanted to get
out of because I don't even--
202
00:08:17,061 --> 00:08:18,846
fracking.
203
00:08:18,933 --> 00:08:20,804
I know I said I don't want
to invest in fracking,
204
00:08:20,891 --> 00:08:23,328
but what even is--
what even is fracking really?
205
00:08:23,415 --> 00:08:24,939
What is it?
- Right.
206
00:08:25,026 --> 00:08:27,768
Fracking is the process where
oil companies extract oil
207
00:08:27,855 --> 00:08:29,421
and gas by injecting liquid
at high pressure
208
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:30,988
into subterranean rock.
209
00:08:31,075 --> 00:08:33,034
- Yeah, you know what?
Enough said, I'm sold.
210
00:08:33,121 --> 00:08:35,515
So take fracking
off the shit list
211
00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:37,429
because I'd like to frack.
212
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:38,605
I'd like to frack on.
213
00:08:38,692 --> 00:08:40,476
- Very well.
214
00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:42,260
- And so does that sort
of get me back to a place
215
00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:44,915
where I wouldn't have to work?
216
00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:47,178
- No, not even close.
217
00:08:49,224 --> 00:08:52,053
- Okay, opioids.
218
00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:54,838
I know I said I wanted
to move away from opioids,
219
00:08:54,925 --> 00:08:56,187
but you know what,
I feel like, you know,
220
00:08:56,274 --> 00:08:58,102
the Sacklers apologized, right?
221
00:08:58,189 --> 00:08:59,887
If we're looking at this in
a glass half-full kind of way,
222
00:08:59,974 --> 00:09:01,758
they said they were sorry.
223
00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:05,283
They took their names
off of libraries and all that.
224
00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:07,198
So it's like they're
kind of back on the right side
225
00:09:07,285 --> 00:09:08,591
of history, right?
226
00:09:08,678 --> 00:09:09,984
So opioids are probably...
[clicks tongue]
227
00:09:10,071 --> 00:09:11,942
Okay?
- Mm-hmm.
228
00:09:12,029 --> 00:09:13,422
So it feels like,
maybe take a beat,
229
00:09:13,509 --> 00:09:14,423
leave things as is.
230
00:09:14,510 --> 00:09:15,990
- Yeah, but you know what?
231
00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:17,774
Now that we're
really getting into this,
232
00:09:17,861 --> 00:09:20,168
I feel like maybe my parents
didn't go far enough.
233
00:09:20,255 --> 00:09:24,694
Like, they were pretty,
you know, conservative.
234
00:09:24,781 --> 00:09:27,088
I mean, what did they
really even know?
235
00:09:27,175 --> 00:09:30,744
It's like they died in that
fire that I didn't start.
236
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:34,704
So I think
that we should try to make
237
00:09:34,790 --> 00:09:37,315
as much money as possible
as quickly as possible.
238
00:09:37,402 --> 00:09:40,318
You know, so I can, like, live,
you know, and not have to be,
239
00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:43,365
like, working
or whatever you mentioned
240
00:09:43,452 --> 00:09:46,586
because I really can't,
really can't.
241
00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:48,239
- Well, yeah,
there's high risk,
242
00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:50,024
high reward companies that
we could definitely look at.
243
00:09:50,111 --> 00:09:51,503
- Yes, this is
what I'm talking about,
244
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,941
like Elon Musk's,
like, the monkey thing
245
00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:57,031
where they "Terminator"
your brain or whatever.
246
00:09:57,118 --> 00:09:59,076
- Neuralink, yeah, I mean,
that's a moonshot, for sure,
247
00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:00,904
giving the human brain
a digital interface.
248
00:10:00,991 --> 00:10:03,994
And he's definitely
a high-growth guy.
249
00:10:04,081 --> 00:10:06,214
But I don't know how
comfortable you are.
250
00:10:06,301 --> 00:10:09,086
There have been allegations
of harassment.
251
00:10:09,173 --> 00:10:11,872
- But you know,
you don't get to Mars
252
00:10:11,959 --> 00:10:13,787
by being everybody's friend,
right?
253
00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:17,965
You know, there's no rapists
or racists on Pluto.
254
00:10:18,052 --> 00:10:19,140
So let's go there.
255
00:10:19,227 --> 00:10:20,968
- [laughs]
256
00:10:21,055 --> 00:10:22,360
Nobody's going to Pluto,
but I get your point
257
00:10:22,447 --> 00:10:23,535
about the space rape.
258
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,450
- Okay, now what's
the thing where--
259
00:10:25,537 --> 00:10:27,583
where's the place where
the women are all, like,
260
00:10:27,670 --> 00:10:29,759
superhot, and they're,
like, really good at vodka?
261
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,895
- Are you talking about Russia?
- Yes, Russia.
262
00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:36,070
I'd like to get involved
263
00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:38,246
in those state-sponsored
troll farms.
264
00:10:38,333 --> 00:10:39,551
Is that something
that we could maybe
265
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:40,770
get our foot in the door,
you know?
266
00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:42,990
- Those aren't
really businesses.
267
00:10:43,077 --> 00:10:46,210
That's a disinformation
campaign largely aimed
268
00:10:46,297 --> 00:10:47,821
at Western democracies.
269
00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:51,389
So aiding that would
be criminal at best
270
00:10:51,476 --> 00:10:53,914
and most likely treasonous.
271
00:10:54,001 --> 00:10:56,568
- I feel like you're giving me
a yellow light on this one.
272
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:57,787
- No, no, no.
- Yeah!
273
00:10:57,874 --> 00:10:59,006
- No, no, no.
- You are!
274
00:10:59,093 --> 00:11:01,008
Let's just keep our eye
on it, you know?
275
00:11:01,095 --> 00:11:02,618
Let's be open to that,
all right?
276
00:11:02,705 --> 00:11:05,403
Let's not, you know,
be like my parents,
277
00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:08,319
burned to a crisp,
making conservative decisions.
278
00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:10,278
I like that.
- Done.
279
00:11:10,365 --> 00:11:14,891
- And just slide into my DMs
with any sort of ideas
280
00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:18,852
about how I can be
my generation's Mother Teresa,
281
00:11:18,939 --> 00:11:22,507
you know, other than the ways
I'm already doing it.
282
00:11:22,594 --> 00:11:25,162
So well, I think we got a plan.
283
00:11:25,249 --> 00:11:27,774
If you need anything,
I'll be at H&H.
284
00:11:30,298 --> 00:11:32,300
That last scene was
just documentary footage
285
00:11:32,387 --> 00:11:33,693
from my life.
286
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:36,173
- We just put a camera
in the room with Amy
287
00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:38,306
and her portfolio manager,
and we left.
288
00:11:38,393 --> 00:11:40,787
I'm seeing this for
the first time just like you.
289
00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:44,834
[upbeat spacey music]
290
00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:46,053
- Welcome,
Kloopr shareholders,
291
00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:48,011
to our annual meeting.
292
00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:53,321
Please welcome Kloopr CEO,
Jason Kirk!
293
00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:55,279
- Good afternoon,
and thank you for joining us
294
00:11:55,366 --> 00:11:58,239
after what can only be
called another banner year
295
00:11:58,326 --> 00:11:59,588
for Kloopr!
296
00:11:59,675 --> 00:12:01,503
[cheers and applause]
297
00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:03,331
What a year.
298
00:12:03,418 --> 00:12:07,248
I want to start by addressing
the elephant in the room,
299
00:12:07,335 --> 00:12:09,598
recent comments made
on the Kloopr platform
300
00:12:09,685 --> 00:12:13,471
by Ron "Raw Dog" McQuaid.
301
00:12:13,558 --> 00:12:15,343
Let me be clear.
302
00:12:15,430 --> 00:12:19,739
Kloopr has a zero-tolerance
policy for hate speech.
303
00:12:19,826 --> 00:12:23,568
On the other hand, it is
important that we stand back
304
00:12:23,655 --> 00:12:28,399
and stand by free thinkers
like McQuaid, especially when--
305
00:12:28,486 --> 00:12:30,662
and this is important--
306
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:34,623
they make us so much money.
307
00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:37,452
I mean, that's--yeah.
308
00:12:37,539 --> 00:12:39,976
Now to all of those
who were offended by McQuaid's
309
00:12:40,063 --> 00:12:43,371
hurtful, hilarious remarks,
we want to assure you
310
00:12:43,458 --> 00:12:47,027
that Kloopr does not support
or stand by any comments,
311
00:12:47,114 --> 00:12:50,813
jokes, haikus,
or single-frame cartoons
312
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:53,207
that disparage
the LGBTQ community,
313
00:12:53,294 --> 00:12:56,253
the disabled community,
the BDSM community,
314
00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:58,647
and whatever this is.
315
00:12:58,734 --> 00:13:00,954
Everyone--am I right?
316
00:13:01,041 --> 00:13:04,784
Everyone,
everyone deserves respect.
317
00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:06,873
Having said that,
318
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:11,268
we also ask that everyone
respect the fuck tons
319
00:13:11,355 --> 00:13:14,489
of cash that Raw Dog McQuaid
and his program,
320
00:13:14,576 --> 00:13:18,362
69% Raw, make for this company.
321
00:13:18,449 --> 00:13:21,931
And I'm talking, like,
Scrooge McDuck swimming
322
00:13:22,018 --> 00:13:25,239
in his building sized vault
of oversized gold coins
323
00:13:25,326 --> 00:13:27,415
fuck tons.
324
00:13:27,502 --> 00:13:29,156
Wait.
325
00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:31,114
That is not to say
that we don't have standards.
326
00:13:31,201 --> 00:13:33,987
No, if you say
something offensive,
327
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:36,685
and you don't make us money,
we will be picking apart
328
00:13:36,772 --> 00:13:40,297
those words
like they're late-night texts
329
00:13:40,384 --> 00:13:42,778
from the hottest boy
in high school.
330
00:13:42,865 --> 00:13:45,433
If you generate
a million in revenue,
331
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,261
we will bravely
defend your right
332
00:13:47,348 --> 00:13:50,525
to say vaccines cause sterility
against the rabid
333
00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:53,571
Sarah Lawrence women's
studies woke mob witch hunters
334
00:13:53,658 --> 00:13:56,270
that are trying to dismantle
the notion of freedom itself.
335
00:13:56,357 --> 00:13:59,316
If you're anywhere in between,
it depends on what else
336
00:13:59,403 --> 00:14:01,405
is happening that day.
337
00:14:01,492 --> 00:14:05,496
Having two sets of standards,
double if you will,
338
00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:07,498
that is the kind
of forward thinking
339
00:14:07,585 --> 00:14:10,588
that sets Kloopr apart.
340
00:14:10,675 --> 00:14:13,330
Let's be honest.
Let's just be honest.
341
00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:15,419
Look, we live
in complicated times.
342
00:14:15,506 --> 00:14:20,511
It is hard to satisfy everyone
who can give us money,
343
00:14:20,598 --> 00:14:24,602
but I think
that we have come up
344
00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:28,171
with a common ground solution.
345
00:14:28,258 --> 00:14:34,134
I am happy to introduce
Kloopr Canceled.
346
00:14:34,221 --> 00:14:35,831
Oh, that's right.
347
00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:38,573
Kloopr will now bundle all
of our most problematic voices
348
00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:40,836
into a premium
subscription service
349
00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:43,534
that allows us
to fully monetize
350
00:14:43,621 --> 00:14:45,797
their problematic-ness while,
351
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:49,453
at the same time,
signaling our virtues.
352
00:14:49,540 --> 00:14:51,107
Now, listen to this.
353
00:14:51,194 --> 00:14:54,676
Canceled will include content
from ethno cartoonist
354
00:14:54,763 --> 00:14:58,245
Jalen Stump,
dirty limericist Torv Cuspule,
355
00:14:58,332 --> 00:15:01,944
border enthusiast Dirk Cumley,
Teflon rapist Shep Honky,
356
00:15:02,031 --> 00:15:04,425
frank masturbater Dorvin Clink,
357
00:15:04,512 --> 00:15:06,731
and, of course,
our golden goose himself,
358
00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:09,473
Ron "Raw Dog" McQuaid.
359
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:12,433
God bless his soul.
360
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:14,478
Thank you
for supporting Kloopr.
361
00:15:14,565 --> 00:15:17,220
In summation, money, good.
362
00:15:17,307 --> 00:15:19,179
No money, bad.
363
00:15:19,266 --> 00:15:22,530
Hurt people?
Okay, if money.
364
00:15:22,617 --> 00:15:25,533
Thank you, and money.
365
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:27,491
[cheers and applause]
366
00:15:27,578 --> 00:15:29,450
Thank you.
367
00:15:31,278 --> 00:15:33,671
- Obviously,
none of that scene applies
368
00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:36,413
in any way to the current
CEO of Paramount+,
369
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:37,980
whoever that is.
370
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:40,156
- Basically, if you're a CEO
that has ever paid us
371
00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:43,638
or ever will pay us,
this scene was not about you.
372
00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:46,162
[upbeat spacey music]
373
00:15:50,340 --> 00:15:51,994
- Okay, let's begin.
374
00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:56,607
Who can tell me what 90%
of gynecology is all about?
375
00:15:56,694 --> 00:15:58,696
Paul?
- Looking at vaginas.
376
00:15:58,783 --> 00:16:00,611
- You'd think so, but no.
377
00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:03,440
Lacey?
- Making the patient feel safe.
378
00:16:03,527 --> 00:16:05,486
- Nope.
Jo, you want to take a stab?
379
00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:09,142
- Yes, prescribing cranberry
juice to me for my UTIs.
380
00:16:09,229 --> 00:16:10,578
- Also no.
381
00:16:10,665 --> 00:16:12,580
All right, you may want
to write this down
382
00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:15,061
because if you don't get this,
you may as well toss
383
00:16:15,148 --> 00:16:17,672
your speculums right now, okay?
384
00:16:17,759 --> 00:16:20,457
90% of being a gynecologist
is knowing how long
385
00:16:20,544 --> 00:16:23,417
to wait
before entering an exam room
386
00:16:23,504 --> 00:16:26,202
after you told
the patient to undress.
387
00:16:26,289 --> 00:16:28,074
What do I mean?
388
00:16:28,161 --> 00:16:29,684
Well, you're about to find out.
389
00:16:29,771 --> 00:16:32,861
In these exam rooms,
I've left a few women waiting
390
00:16:32,948 --> 00:16:34,819
for varying amounts of time.
391
00:16:34,906 --> 00:16:36,865
Who wants to get
their hands dirty?
392
00:16:36,952 --> 00:16:37,997
- I'll try.
393
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:40,390
- Lacey, let's go.
394
00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:44,264
- Ms. Humphrey, hi,
I'm Lacey, and I--
395
00:16:44,351 --> 00:16:46,005
- Oh, I--sorry.
Shoot, fuck.
396
00:16:46,092 --> 00:16:47,832
Just one second.
397
00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:50,052
- Oh!
398
00:16:50,139 --> 00:16:52,881
I'll come back.
399
00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:55,492
I don't know what happened.
- It's okay.
400
00:16:55,579 --> 00:16:57,059
Can anyone tell me
what went wrong here?
401
00:16:57,146 --> 00:16:59,496
- We didn't look at the vagina.
402
00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:01,759
- Close, but completely off.
403
00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:04,066
We told the patient to undress,
and then we entered
404
00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:05,720
the exam room too soon.
405
00:17:05,807 --> 00:17:07,461
- [sighs]
406
00:17:07,548 --> 00:17:09,028
- You see, when you come
into the room too soon,
407
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:10,681
it doesn't afford
the patient enough time
408
00:17:10,768 --> 00:17:12,901
to undress
and hide their underwear
409
00:17:12,988 --> 00:17:15,077
between their pants
and shirt for some reason,
410
00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:17,906
and then to either text
their best girlfriend,
411
00:17:17,992 --> 00:17:20,821
"At gyno, FML,"
or to quickly Google,
412
00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:23,259
"Can the gynecologist tell
that I masturbated last night?"
413
00:17:23,346 --> 00:17:24,781
- Ah.
414
00:17:24,868 --> 00:17:26,522
- You see, affording time
to the patient for things
415
00:17:26,609 --> 00:17:28,612
like this is a critical aspect
of gynecology.
416
00:17:28,699 --> 00:17:30,092
Who wants to go next?
417
00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:31,702
- Fuck it.
I'll go.
418
00:17:31,789 --> 00:17:33,400
- All right.
419
00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:37,186
[soft music]
420
00:17:37,273 --> 00:17:39,493
- All right, Miss Carson.
421
00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:42,104
Let's see that vagina.
422
00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:44,541
- I have 900 IUDs in my pussy.
423
00:17:44,628 --> 00:17:48,284
I took all the shots.
I took all the shots!
424
00:17:48,371 --> 00:17:50,939
I took all the shots!
425
00:17:51,026 --> 00:17:53,681
- Oh, my God, what the hell?
That wasn't hot.
426
00:17:53,768 --> 00:17:54,943
That wasn't hot at all.
427
00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:56,423
I went through medical--
428
00:17:56,510 --> 00:17:58,599
- You bet your fat, dumb dick
that wasn't hot
429
00:17:58,686 --> 00:18:01,167
because we let too much time
pass between telling her
430
00:18:01,254 --> 00:18:04,039
to get naked and coming back
into the exam room.
431
00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:07,521
When you leave a patient alone
in a gynecological exam room
432
00:18:07,608 --> 00:18:10,567
for too long
in a flimsy paper nightgown
433
00:18:10,654 --> 00:18:11,873
that feels like
it's gonna disintegrate,
434
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,831
they get bored and antsy.
435
00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:15,181
They'll start going
through your things.
436
00:18:15,268 --> 00:18:16,791
They'll eat your snacks.
437
00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:18,271
- That's why she was
holding those potatoes.
438
00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:19,750
- Exactly.
439
00:18:19,837 --> 00:18:22,057
I like to eat a whole
raw potato as a snack.
440
00:18:22,144 --> 00:18:23,667
And obviously, she found it.
441
00:18:23,754 --> 00:18:25,147
Good work, Lacey.
442
00:18:25,234 --> 00:18:26,496
- Thanks.
- Jo, you're up.
443
00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:31,110
- [sighs]
444
00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:34,113
[tense music]
445
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,854
♪ ♪
446
00:18:36,941 --> 00:18:38,378
No, I can't do this.
I can't do this.
447
00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:39,596
- Come here.
- I don't want--
448
00:18:39,683 --> 00:18:41,163
I don't want--
- You've got this, okay?
449
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:43,296
- No, no, can I just throw
some cranberry juice
450
00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:44,949
in the room and call it a day?
451
00:18:45,036 --> 00:18:47,256
- No, look at me.
452
00:18:47,343 --> 00:18:50,129
Look at me.
- Okay.
453
00:18:50,216 --> 00:18:53,044
- That woman in there needs you
to look at and into her vagina
454
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,308
with the most uncomfortable
tools possible.
455
00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:57,005
- Okay.
456
00:18:57,092 --> 00:18:58,311
- And sure,
none of us want to do this.
457
00:18:58,398 --> 00:18:59,703
- I do.
458
00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:02,010
- Except Paul, but, you know,
459
00:19:02,097 --> 00:19:04,665
straight male gynecologists
are weird.
460
00:19:04,752 --> 00:19:07,929
I'm gay, so I find
it just as troubling as you.
461
00:19:08,016 --> 00:19:11,759
Now, Jo, that woman has been
in there for nine minutes.
462
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:15,763
I want you to go
into that room when your head,
463
00:19:15,850 --> 00:19:21,508
your heart, and your vagina
tells you it's time.
464
00:19:21,595 --> 00:19:28,471
♪ ♪
465
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:34,434
- [mouthing]
466
00:19:44,618 --> 00:19:46,446
- Ms. Wilson, hi.
467
00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:49,971
I'm Dr. Reese, and I will
be performing your exam today.
468
00:19:50,058 --> 00:19:51,712
- Wonderful.
469
00:19:53,366 --> 00:19:55,281
- I knew you could do it.
470
00:19:55,368 --> 00:19:57,587
- [sighs]
Thank you, Doctor.
471
00:19:57,674 --> 00:20:00,634
- No, no, no.
Go finish your exam, Doctor.
472
00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:02,375
- Right.
473
00:20:02,462 --> 00:20:05,813
Oh, how do
I insert the speculum?
474
00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:07,815
- Oh, it doesn't matter.
Just shove it in.
475
00:20:07,902 --> 00:20:09,860
It's gonna suck regardless.
476
00:20:09,947 --> 00:20:13,081
Bye.
477
00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:15,692
- I know I have
a tiny part in this scene,
478
00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:18,565
but Tim Meadows
is the funniest person
479
00:20:18,652 --> 00:20:21,524
who was ever on "SNL,"
I believe.
480
00:20:21,611 --> 00:20:23,309
And I needed him
to be this doctor.
481
00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:24,832
- She was so right.
482
00:20:24,919 --> 00:20:26,790
Tim was way better
than she would have ever been.
483
00:20:26,877 --> 00:20:28,792
Thanks, Amy.
484
00:20:28,879 --> 00:20:32,187
[upbeat spacey music]
485
00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:36,017
- Here's another song from,
you guessed it, Ron.
486
00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:38,454
Ron.
487
00:20:38,541 --> 00:20:42,023
[upbeat music]
488
00:20:42,110 --> 00:20:45,287
- ♪ My wife buys me clothes,
and I wear them ♪
489
00:20:45,374 --> 00:20:48,769
♪ My wife buys me clothes,
and I wear them ♪
490
00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:50,510
♪ My wife buys me clothes ♪
491
00:20:50,597 --> 00:20:52,425
♪ And I wear them ♪
492
00:20:52,512 --> 00:20:55,819
♪ My wife buys me clothes ♪
493
00:20:55,906 --> 00:20:59,170
♪ We make a good team
with our wardrobe ♪
494
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:02,652
♪ My wife buys me clothes,
and I wear them ♪
495
00:21:02,739 --> 00:21:05,873
♪ My wife buys her clothes,
and she wears them ♪
496
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:09,920
♪ My wife also buys
all the kids' clothes ♪
497
00:21:10,007 --> 00:21:13,315
♪ My wife also does
all the scheduling ♪
498
00:21:13,402 --> 00:21:16,666
♪ And earns a lot of money
running her own business ♪
499
00:21:16,753 --> 00:21:19,887
♪ I'm in a men's league
for kickball ♪
500
00:21:19,974 --> 00:21:24,326
♪ My wife buys me clothes ♪
501
00:21:24,413 --> 00:21:28,374
♪ Check out my clothes ♪
502
00:21:28,461 --> 00:21:31,072
Oh, hey, so I just texted you
a list of some stuff
503
00:21:31,159 --> 00:21:33,727
that I need for the wedding
that we're going to in Hawaii
504
00:21:33,814 --> 00:21:35,511
or wherever, like,
because I spilled
505
00:21:35,598 --> 00:21:37,208
some maple syrup and waffles
506
00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:38,949
on those expensive pants
that you bought me.
507
00:21:39,036 --> 00:21:41,038
- I'm slammed.
508
00:21:41,125 --> 00:21:43,954
Can you handle it?
509
00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:45,391
- What?
510
00:21:45,478 --> 00:21:47,610
- Did you really not hear me?
511
00:21:47,697 --> 00:21:51,353
- Oh, no, it's cool.
I can do it, yeah.
512
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,790
♪ Me buy me clothes ♪
513
00:21:53,877 --> 00:21:57,098
♪ Uh, Amazon,
me buy me clothes ♪
514
00:21:57,185 --> 00:21:58,578
What size am I?
515
00:21:58,665 --> 00:22:00,362
♪ Me buy me clothes ♪
516
00:22:00,449 --> 00:22:03,931
UK something, size five?
517
00:22:04,018 --> 00:22:07,761
♪ Me buy me clothes ♪
518
00:22:07,848 --> 00:22:12,983
♪ Me buy me clothes ♪
519
00:22:13,070 --> 00:22:17,379
♪ Me buy me clothes ♪
520
00:22:19,990 --> 00:22:23,298
- I don't know what happened.
Oh, fuck.
521
00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:25,387
- Let's take a--fuck.
522
00:22:25,474 --> 00:22:28,042
- I took all the shots!
523
00:22:28,129 --> 00:22:29,478
- That was nice
524
00:22:29,565 --> 00:22:30,784
- Thank you.
I'm a mom.
525
00:22:35,049 --> 00:22:37,965
[soft music]
526
00:22:38,052 --> 00:22:44,928
♪ ♪
527
00:22:57,071 --> 00:22:58,986
- It's so easy.
528
00:22:59,036 --> 00:23:03,586
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