All language subtitles for Inside Amy Schumer s05e05 Quiet Pills.eng

- ♪ MTV ♪

- Coach Stefanski said we're
a shoe-in to win district,

as long as no one
gets COVID or an STD.

- Honey, I just
finished that off.

Is there more?

Shelly?
Shelly?

- Oh, yes, of course.

- Feeling overwhelmed,

like you just need a little
help to get through the day?

[soft music]

- Hey, I heard pills.

Everything okay?

- When your pill habit gets in
the way of your regular life,

isn't it time to say enough?

[pills rattling]

- [grunts]

What's going on?

Pills?

- No, just watching
a Brené Brown Ted Talk

and masturbating.

- Mom, you're scaring me.

- It doesn't have
to be this way.

There's help.

The abuse of prescription
drugs has grown exponentially

the past few years,
particularly among women

because of the pandemic
and "Euphoria."

But now there's
Silent Release,

a prescription bottle
made entirely of felt.

And not only
is the bottle quiet,

the pills are coated
in marshmallow.

So there are no
telltale noises to give away

your precious, sacred secret.

You take lots
of loud-ass pills.

Soft on the outside,

so you can feel soft
on the inside

of your brain.

You deserve to feel
exactly how you need to feel

just to get through
this endless crawl

of a day and pointless
garbage existence

that's wasted on you.

Silent Release,

if a pill falls
in a felt bottle

and you don't hear it,
were you ever sad?

♪ ♪

- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Ma'am?
- [laughs]

- Ma'am, you doing okay?

- I'm in a commercial.

- Oh.
- [laughs]

- You taken anything today?

- I'll never tell.

- Who are you talking to?

- Get in this ball pit, girl.
[laughs]

- Okay, thank you, oh.

[upbeat spacey music]

♪ ♪

- Big pharma has made billions
getting Americans

hooked on opioids,
and hopefully,

one of them sees this
and is like, oh, cool.

Here's a way we can
make even more money.

♪ ♪

- Tonight on
"Married a Monster,"

it was a storybook romance

that turned
into a MacBook nightmare.

- I wish I would
have done more.

I wish I would have said more.

- Little did Amy know that
her seemingly perfect husband,

Jeff,
was harboring a dark secret.

- I heard about this happening
to other women,

and I thought
they were pathetic.

Like, that could
never happen to me.

- I came home
from work early because it

was someone's birthday
at the office,

and those make me
uncomfortable.

And I caught him red-handed
at his laptop.

He just looked up at me
and said,

like it was nothing...

- Hey, babe.

Bitcoin is up 4%.

- And that was the moment
my whole world fell apart.

- Oh, God, oh, no.

- And I knew
that he was into crypto.

- Every day, thousands
of women across the globe

find out their husband is,
like, really into crypto.

Just, like, way too into it.

Amy found herself
just another part

of this gruesome statistic.

- At first, it wasn't so bad.

He would just find ways
to wedge Dogecoin

into the conversation.

But then pretty soon,
he was saying things like,

be your own bank,
or when Lambo, or TLT.

- Think long-term.

- I mean, I always suspected
Jeff was a bit off.

On their first date,
he took her to see 21 Pilots.

But never
in a million years did

I think he would subject her
to a rant about the blockchain

every ten minutes.

- Things finally came
to a head on date night.

- Ethereum actually
has a lot more utility

than Bitcoin,
which is just a store of value.

But Ethereum does face
some real competition

from Cardano, Tezos, Solana.

And what that means is...

- By the time he used DeFi

as an abbreviation
for decentralized finance,

I knew
that I had married a monster.

- Hey, babe.
Have you seen my Nano?

My cowallet?

Candlesticks are
going crazy right now,

and my MetaMask
is offline, so--

- No.
- Oh, shit.

Cardano is going to the moon.

HODL!
[laughs]

I don't see
what the big deal is.

Crypto paid for this house.

- But at what cost, Jeff?

At what cost?

- About 7,100 tron,
which is a total shit coin,

but that was just a degen play,

and I only sold it
because of FUD.

- Fear, uncertainty, and doubt.

- Help me.

- The final straw came
when Amy went into the attic

to find her November pants
and found something

that will haunt her nightmares
forever,

a homemade server farm
for mining crypto coin.

- No, no, no!

- I'm just grateful
we never had kids.

- We have two kids.

- Mommy!
- Mommy, Mommy!

- I'm thinking about
putting their college fund

into some NFTs,
maybe a few CryptoPunks.

both: Mommy, Mommy!

- [wails]

- Next time on
"Married a Monster"...

- I walked up the stairs
to our bedroom,

and he was there doing it.

He was reading
Elon Musk's autobiography.

- My good friend,
Rachel Feinstein,

is married to a firefighter.

- All firefighters
love crypto and "kesh."

That's how they pronounce cash.

And for some reason,
they only trust

the most visible
and invisible forms of money.

[upbeat spacy music]

- Well, Amy,
thanks for coming in.

You know,
since your mom and dad's estate

passed control of their large
stock portfolio over to you,

I thought we could walk
through it together.

- Yeah, absolutely.

And if I could,
I just want to preface this.

I would love
to just say that my parents

were a little old-school.

- Mm.

- You know, I just--
and I don't want

to say anything bad
about anyone

who just died in a fire.

But we just didn't really see
the world in the same way.

So yeah, as I said
in my email, I just--

I would love
to invest in companies

that are a little more
ethical, sustainable, you know?

- Mm-hmm.

- And I just have
to say that I would

love if my parents' money
could be a force for good.

- Absolutely, absolutely.

We can divest
from those industries.

- Good, great.
- No problem.

- I can sleep at night.
- Yeah.

Of course, doing so
will be less profitable.

- Oh my gosh, I get that.
Of course.

Yeah, but you can't
really put a price

on doing the right thing.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know?

It's like the future
of humanity

is literally
in the balance, so...

- Mm.
- Yeah.

Mm.

But when you say
less profitable, like,

how much less profitable
are we talking about?

- Well, the portfolio was set
up to support you comfortably

into the foreseeable future.

- Yeah.

- So if we cut out
the traditional industries

and go heavy into renewables,

you may have
to supplement the income.

- Of course, and what do
you mean by supplement?

Like, supplement how?

- Well, presumably
by getting a job.

- Yeah.

Me getting a job?

- Well, yeah, you.

- Okay, okay, yeah.

- You got it?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what?

I feel like maybe
I was being a little harsh.

I came in here
on my high horse.

Maybe I should just kind of
settle down a little bit.

Let me just look
at the list of the things

that I said I wanted to get
out of because I don't even--

fracking.

I know I said I don't want
to invest in fracking,

but what even is--
what even is fracking really?

What is it?
- Right.

Fracking is the process where
oil companies extract oil

and gas by injecting liquid
at high pressure

into subterranean rock.

- Yeah, you know what?
Enough said, I'm sold.

So take fracking
off the shit list

because I'd like to frack.

I'd like to frack on.

- Very well.

- And so does that sort
of get me back to a place

where I wouldn't have to work?

- No, not even close.

- Okay, opioids.

I know I said I wanted
to move away from opioids,

but you know what,
I feel like, you know,

the Sacklers apologized, right?

If we're looking at this in
a glass half-full kind of way,

they said they were sorry.

They took their names
off of libraries and all that.

So it's like they're
kind of back on the right side

of history, right?

So opioids are probably...
[clicks tongue]

Okay?
- Mm-hmm.

So it feels like,
maybe take a beat,

leave things as is.

- Yeah, but you know what?

Now that we're
really getting into this,

I feel like maybe my parents
didn't go far enough.

Like, they were pretty,
you know, conservative.

I mean, what did they
really even know?

It's like they died in that
fire that I didn't start.

So I think
that we should try to make

as much money as possible
as quickly as possible.

You know, so I can, like, live,
you know, and not have to be,

like, working
or whatever you mentioned

because I really can't,
really can't.

- Well, yeah,
there's high risk,

high reward companies that
we could definitely look at.

- Yes, this is
what I'm talking about,

like Elon Musk's,
like, the monkey thing

where they "Terminator"
your brain or whatever.

- Neuralink, yeah, I mean,
that's a moonshot, for sure,

giving the human brain
a digital interface.

And he's definitely
a high-growth guy.

But I don't know how
comfortable you are.

There have been allegations
of harassment.

- But you know,
you don't get to Mars

by being everybody's friend,
right?

You know, there's no rapists
or racists on Pluto.

So let's go there.

- [laughs]

Nobody's going to Pluto,
but I get your point

about the space rape.

- Okay, now what's
the thing where--

where's the place where
the women are all, like,

superhot, and they're,
like, really good at vodka?

- Are you talking about Russia?
- Yes, Russia.

I'd like to get involved

in those state-sponsored
troll farms.

Is that something
that we could maybe

get our foot in the door,
you know?

- Those aren't
really businesses.

That's a disinformation
campaign largely aimed

at Western democracies.

So aiding that would
be criminal at best

and most likely treasonous.

- I feel like you're giving me
a yellow light on this one.

- No, no, no.
- Yeah!

- No, no, no.
- You are!

Let's just keep our eye
on it, you know?

Let's be open to that,
all right?

Let's not, you know,
be like my parents,

burned to a crisp,
making conservative decisions.

I like that.
- Done.

- And just slide into my DMs
with any sort of ideas

about how I can be
my generation's Mother Teresa,

you know, other than the ways
I'm already doing it.

So well, I think we got a plan.

If you need anything,
I'll be at H&H.

That last scene was
just documentary footage

from my life.

- We just put a camera
in the room with Amy

and her portfolio manager,
and we left.

I'm seeing this for
the first time just like you.

[upbeat spacey music]

- Welcome,
Kloopr shareholders,

to our annual meeting.

Please welcome Kloopr CEO,
Jason Kirk!

- Good afternoon,
and thank you for joining us

after what can only be
called another banner year

for Kloopr!

[cheers and applause]

What a year.

I want to start by addressing
the elephant in the room,

recent comments made
on the Kloopr platform

by Ron "Raw Dog" McQuaid.

Let me be clear.

Kloopr has a zero-tolerance
policy for hate speech.

On the other hand, it is
important that we stand back

and stand by free thinkers
like McQuaid, especially when--

and this is important--

they make us so much money.

I mean, that's--yeah.

Now to all of those
who were offended by McQuaid's

hurtful, hilarious remarks,
we want to assure you

that Kloopr does not support
or stand by any comments,

jokes, haikus,
or single-frame cartoons

that disparage
the LGBTQ community,

the disabled community,
the BDSM community,

and whatever this is.

Everyone--am I right?

Everyone,
everyone deserves respect.

Having said that,

we also ask that everyone
respect the fuck tons

of cash that Raw Dog McQuaid
and his program,

69% Raw, make for this company.

And I'm talking, like,
Scrooge McDuck swimming

in his building sized vault
of oversized gold coins

fuck tons.

Wait.

That is not to say
that we don't have standards.

No, if you say
something offensive,

and you don't make us money,
we will be picking apart

those words
like they're late-night texts

from the hottest boy
in high school.

If you generate
a million in revenue,

we will bravely
defend your right

to say vaccines cause sterility
against the rabid

Sarah Lawrence women's
studies woke mob witch hunters

that are trying to dismantle
the notion of freedom itself.

If you're anywhere in between,
it depends on what else

is happening that day.

Having two sets of standards,
double if you will,

that is the kind
of forward thinking

that sets Kloopr apart.

Let's be honest.
Let's just be honest.

Look, we live
in complicated times.

It is hard to satisfy everyone
who can give us money,

but I think
that we have come up

with a common ground solution.

I am happy to introduce
Kloopr Canceled.

Oh, that's right.

Kloopr will now bundle all
of our most problematic voices

into a premium
subscription service

that allows us
to fully monetize

their problematic-ness while,

at the same time,
signaling our virtues.

Now, listen to this.

Canceled will include content
from ethno cartoonist

Jalen Stump,
dirty limericist Torv Cuspule,

border enthusiast Dirk Cumley,
Teflon rapist Shep Honky,

frank masturbater Dorvin Clink,

and, of course,
our golden goose himself,

Ron "Raw Dog" McQuaid.

God bless his soul.

Thank you
for supporting Kloopr.

In summation, money, good.

No money, bad.

Hurt people?
Okay, if money.

Thank you, and money.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

- Obviously,
none of that scene applies

in any way to the current
CEO of Paramount+,

whoever that is.

- Basically, if you're a CEO
that has ever paid us

or ever will pay us,
this scene was not about you.

[upbeat spacey music]

- Okay, let's begin.

Who can tell me what 90%
of gynecology is all about?

Paul?
- Looking at vaginas.

- You'd think so, but no.

Lacey?
- Making the patient feel safe.

- Nope.
Jo, you want to take a stab?

- Yes, prescribing cranberry
juice to me for my UTIs.

- Also no.

All right, you may want
to write this down

because if you don't get this,
you may as well toss

your speculums right now, okay?

90% of being a gynecologist
is knowing how long

to wait
before entering an exam room

after you told
the patient to undress.

What do I mean?

Well, you're about to find out.

In these exam rooms,
I've left a few women waiting

for varying amounts of time.

Who wants to get
their hands dirty?

- I'll try.

- Lacey, let's go.

- Ms. Humphrey, hi,
I'm Lacey, and I--

- Oh, I--sorry.
Shoot, fuck.

Just one second.

- Oh!

I'll come back.

I don't know what happened.
- It's okay.

Can anyone tell me
what went wrong here?

- We didn't look at the vagina.

- Close, but completely off.

We told the patient to undress,
and then we entered

the exam room too soon.

- [sighs]

- You see, when you come
into the room too soon,

it doesn't afford
the patient enough time

to undress
and hide their underwear

between their pants
and shirt for some reason,

and then to either text
their best girlfriend,

"At gyno, FML,"
or to quickly Google,

"Can the gynecologist tell
that I masturbated last night?"

- Ah.

- You see, affording time
to the patient for things

like this is a critical aspect
of gynecology.

Who wants to go next?

- Fuck it.
I'll go.

- All right.

[soft music]

- All right, Miss Carson.

Let's see that vagina.

- I have 900 IUDs in my pussy.

I took all the shots.
I took all the shots!

I took all the shots!

- Oh, my God, what the hell?
That wasn't hot.

That wasn't hot at all.

I went through medical--

- You bet your fat, dumb dick
that wasn't hot

because we let too much time
pass between telling her

to get naked and coming back
into the exam room.

When you leave a patient alone
in a gynecological exam room

for too long
in a flimsy paper nightgown

that feels like
it's gonna disintegrate,

they get bored and antsy.

They'll start going
through your things.

They'll eat your snacks.

- That's why she was
holding those potatoes.

- Exactly.

I like to eat a whole
raw potato as a snack.

And obviously, she found it.

Good work, Lacey.

- Thanks.
- Jo, you're up.

- [sighs]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

No, I can't do this.
I can't do this.

- Come here.
- I don't want--

I don't want--
- You've got this, okay?

- No, no, can I just throw
some cranberry juice

in the room and call it a day?

- No, look at me.

Look at me.
- Okay.

- That woman in there needs you
to look at and into her vagina

with the most uncomfortable
tools possible.

- Okay.

- And sure,
none of us want to do this.

- I do.

- Except Paul, but, you know,

straight male gynecologists
are weird.

I'm gay, so I find
it just as troubling as you.

Now, Jo, that woman has been
in there for nine minutes.

I want you to go
into that room when your head,

your heart, and your vagina
tells you it's time.

♪ ♪

- [mouthing]

- Ms. Wilson, hi.

I'm Dr. Reese, and I will
be performing your exam today.

- Wonderful.

- I knew you could do it.

- [sighs]
Thank you, Doctor.

- No, no, no.
Go finish your exam, Doctor.

- Right.

Oh, how do
I insert the speculum?

- Oh, it doesn't matter.
Just shove it in.

It's gonna suck regardless.

Bye.

- I know I have
a tiny part in this scene,

but Tim Meadows
is the funniest person

who was ever on "SNL,"
I believe.

And I needed him
to be this doctor.

- She was so right.

Tim was way better
than she would have ever been.

Thanks, Amy.

[upbeat spacey music]

- Here's another song from,
you guessed it, Ron.

Ron.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ My wife buys me clothes,
and I wear them ♪

♪ My wife buys me clothes,
and I wear them ♪

♪ My wife buys me clothes ♪

♪ And I wear them ♪

♪ My wife buys me clothes ♪

♪ We make a good team
with our wardrobe ♪

♪ My wife buys me clothes,
and I wear them ♪

♪ My wife buys her clothes,
and she wears them ♪

♪ My wife also buys
all the kids' clothes ♪

♪ My wife also does
all the scheduling ♪

♪ And earns a lot of money
running her own business ♪

♪ I'm in a men's league
for kickball ♪

♪ My wife buys me clothes ♪

♪ Check out my clothes ♪

Oh, hey, so I just texted you
a list of some stuff

that I need for the wedding
that we're going to in Hawaii

or wherever, like,
because I spilled

some maple syrup and waffles

on those expensive pants
that you bought me.

- I'm slammed.

Can you handle it?

- What?

- Did you really not hear me?

- Oh, no, it's cool.
I can do it, yeah.

♪ Me buy me clothes ♪

♪ Uh, Amazon,
me buy me clothes ♪

What size am I?

♪ Me buy me clothes ♪

UK something, size five?

♪ Me buy me clothes ♪

♪ Me buy me clothes ♪

♪ Me buy me clothes ♪

- I don't know what happened.
Oh, fuck.

- Let's take a--fuck.

- I took all the shots!

- That was nice

- Thank you.
I'm a mom.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- It's so easy.

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