Original subtitles

Uh. Sam, do you mind asking Jay to move to the couch?

Okay. Why?

-What? -Sass just came in and he wants you to move seats?

Well, for about six minutes every afternoon, that chair

is bathed in a shaft of light

and it feels really nice.

We don't have a lot going on, Sam.

He likes the shaft of light.

Sure, buddy. Go for it.

Yes!

[sighs] Oh.

Oh, crap...

Too late. I got the shaft.

Damn it. I snooze-eth and lose-eth.

[groans] Sass, I'll give you ten back rubs for the seat.

I'll make it 20.

That's a pretty generous offer.

100 back rubs!

You got yourself a deal.

[Samantha scoffs]

I'm sorry, what is going on? Back rubs?

You don't know about the back rubs?

How does she not know about the back rubs?

Honestly, I try to shut a lot of this ghost stuff out.

You don't deserve this power.

Back rubs are like our ghost currency.

We can't handle money, so centuries ago

we decided on back rubs.

The problem is, no one can compete with Hetty.

ISAAC: Through a combination

of shrewd bargaining and a general disdain

for physical touch...

Hmm....which leads her

to never cash them in,

Hetty has amassed a vast wealth of back rubs.

It's not fair. Hetty's constantly outbidding me.

I've only been dead for 20 years.

I don't have the capital.

Well, Trevor, that's just how the world works.

You're new money and you always will be.

In the meantime,

it is I who gets the shaft.

And, let me tell you, it feels so good.

♪ ♪

And here's your change, $1.50.

Enjoy your blender.[Henry chuckles]

No returns.

Hey, man, could you go a little lower on this lamp?

Wish we could, but we didn't get rich by giving things away.

No, you got rich by inheriting all my money when I died.

Henry, I think we have a live one in cookware.

Hey, that's my Jell-O mold.

Put that down. That is a family heirloom!

Hey, Jay, do you see

that guy over there? He's dressed

like one of your Ren fair buddies.

The only thing I see is a cheapskate

with a mustache and a fanny pack.

SAMANTHA: Oh, my God, he's a Viking ghost.

Thor's gonna have so many questions.

I have to go talk to him. [clears throat]

Excuse me. May I use your restroom, please?

I'm sorry, it's for paying customers only.

Okay, uh, Jay, just buy the lamp.

Thank you for undermining my bargaining power, babe.

Hmm.

That's kinda cool. Sam loves fruit art.

Why is it upside down?

It's because they're swingers.

That's right. My son's a pervert.

Oh, hey, man, uh...

This is a pretty cool upside down pineapple.

Oh, are you into that?

Sicko!

A little, but honestly, Sam really loves it.

Really? Well, isn't she full of surprises?

She learned about it in college.

I'll bet. [chuckles]

Where did I go wrong?

[chuckling continues]

TREVOR: And now the chair is cold. Damn it.

People don't understand how nice a warm chair is

when you don't have pants on.

-You okay, buddy? -Pete,

it's not fair how much richer

Hetty is than the rest of us.

Yeah, she throws around her back rub wealth,

but what are you gonna do about it?

I don't know, but we should do something.

She sits here lording it over us.

She's like those two old rich guys from Trading Places.

Oh, great flick. Oh! Maybe I should choose it

this week, when it's my turn to pick TV time.

That's it.

TV time.

What-- What about it?

That's how I take Hetty down.

Yes, she's been around a long time,

but I was a Wall Street whiz kid.

And you just gave me an idea for a new financial instrument.

It's simple as long as you understand the basic principles

of market power and the downward sloping demand curve.

Okay.

Well, I'm out. But have fun.

SAMANTHA: Hey, big fella,

it's okay. I'm a friend.

In Odin's name, how can you see me?

I fell down some stairs

and was technically dead for three minutes--

it's a whole thing-- but who are you?

I'm Bjorn.

I'm from the land of Norvegr.

I died on this property many, many moons ago.

Okay. Uh, well, this is kind of a long shot,

but I live nearby and I know another Viking ghost, Thorfinn.

Big man. Beard.

Yes, exactly.

Abandoned by his shipmates.

Yes! Do you know him?

It is he who I came looking for.

You see, I am...

his son.

What is it? What must you tell Thor?

Okay. Well, like I said, it's big news.

I'm talking earth-shattering.

Well, he might want to sit down for this.

-I-Is he sitting down? -Yes, Jay.

How do they sit on furniture?

[sighs] Wouldn't they just go through it?

You said they just go through walls, right?

Whoa, this is gonna spin me out for the whole afternoon.

By the loins of Freya, tell Thor the news!

Okay, Thor. So, I went over to the Farnsbys'

and I met a ghost. He was a Viking ghost.

He was your son Bjorn.

How do you know this name?

I just told you I met him.

[laughs] Is impossible.

You're saying that my son, who I haven't seen

in a thousand years, has been two ship lengths away

this entire time.

I know, it's so crazy,

but it's true. I would never lie about this.

You met my baby Bjorn?

Well, he's all grown up now.

Last I saw him, he was just a... [chuckles]

...little boy.

Bjorn, when I was your age,

my father gave me this.

And now I give it to you.

May you spill the blood

of many Danes with it.

Now say, "Goodbye, Father."

Come on. You can do it.

Say "Father."

He's still too young to speak, you know this.

Then I shall hear it upon my return.

But I never do hear him say "Father"

because I never return.

Well, he came looking for you, Thor.

All the way from the Old World.

What if a wall were made out of couch?

Would I not be able to go through that?

Thor want to know everything. Have so many questions.

I thought you might, which is why

I asked a lot of questions.

Okay, so, Bjorn was married. He had three kids.

You're a gramps, buddy!

Who was his first kill?

His first kill?

I don't think we covered that.

Okay...

How many Danish heads did he have lined up

outside his cottage?

Again, I didn't ask that, specifically.

You call yourself journalist? These are obvious questions.

Oh, yeah, he's got you there, Sam. Who, what, where,

when, why, how many severed heads?

These are the tools of your trade.

Thor wish he could speak to Bjorn himself.

He's so close yet so far.

I know. It's too bad that you don't live

next door to your son and then you could just, like,

walk up to the property line and talk to him.

But the Farnsbys' is two doors over.

Wait a minute.

There may be a way for them to speak. Follow me.

FLOWER: Huh.

Need help?

Alberta, I know it's your turn to choose,

but I'll pay you 50 back rubs to watch Bodices & Barons.

Ugh, is that that boring period piece drama?

Boring?

Did you not see the smoldering glances

the baron shot at the chambermaid last week?

Shocked they can put that on the television.

Well, as exciting as that sounds,

I already sold all my TV time

for the next month to Trevor.

Oh, you did? So did I.

I also sold Trevor my TV time. It was part of some

elaborate plan of his I didn't understand.

The plan's actually quite simple.

I bought everyone's TV time.

And now I have a monopoly for the next month.

And I'm gonna use it to watch classic '90s

figure skating rom-com The Cutting Edge on repeat.

[talking over each other]

Relax, relax. All you have to do is

buy your TV time back from me...

at a huge markup, of course.

Trevor, why are you doing this?

To level the playing field.

After this, I'm going to have so many back rubs,

it's gonna be like Burke Williams in here.

-HETTY: What is that? -Who's Burke Williams?

-ALBERTA: Is that a bank? -You may not understand that reference,

but trust me, it is apt.

JAY: Hey, babe, check it out.

See? Look. You can see the Farnsbys'

top floor from this window.

I noticed it recently after Sass's tree got cut down.

-Sorry about that, Sass. -Oh, he's not here.

Oh, okay, well, then, I am feeling...

-Hetty? -Let's not do this.

So... how will Thor speak to Bjorn?

Well, if you stand here,

then I will get Bjorn to stand by that window,

then you two could yell at each other.

Yes! I can yell at my son the way my father yell at me.

Except it would be out of love

and not anger that I eat all the ram's testicles.

Okay. Be on this spot in one hour.

We just need to figure out some excuse

to get into the Farnsbys' house.

I'm sorry, did you say "ram's testicles"?

I don't even want to know.

Is Norse delicacy.

I wonder if Bjorn likes... Did you ask him this?

It didn't come up.

Big surprise.

TREVOR: 375 back rubs for Friday night.

400! Sold to Alberta.

Yes! Oh... [chuckles]

It's a steep price,

but at least I'll get my Jason Momoa fix.

And we will be watching certain scenes in slo-mo.

Aka slo-Momoa. [chuckles]

Not my best work, but I had to get it out of my head.

What if, instead of bidding against each other

and driving up the price, we form a coalition?

Utilize the power of collective bargaining?

Oh, like we form a union.

I did not use the U-word.

I am simply suggesting, if we band together

and agree not to buy any TV time, it becomes valueless.

And Trevor will have nothing.

Okay. So,

what are we supposed to do, just watch

The Cutting Edge over and over?

The guy loses his peripheral vision

and can't play hockey

but he can still figure skate?

Doesn't make any sense.

PETE: Okay, maybe we don't watch TV

at all.

Like the good old days, you know?

Trivia, charades, sharing secrets...

[whispers]: I don't like mustard.

You won't be able to last without TV time.

You'll be back. You'll all be back.

No, Trevor.

Not if we stick together.

Because together...

...the power belongs to the people.

Oh, I hate myself. I really hated saying that.

How's Thor's hair?

What about scar, hmm?

Thor, he's not gonna be able to make out

those tiny details from that distant window.

But he also won't smell the wolf urine,

so it all evens out.

Just so nervous and excited.

Is biggest moment of Thor's life.

What are you gonna yell about with him first?

I don't know, just...

So many questions, I... know so little of him.

Well, Samantha made some notes

from the conversation. Let's see here...

He lived in...

unpronounceable town with far too many consonants

with his wife, Alma.

[laughs]

No, that wrong. That name Danish. It...

must be mistake.

Oh, no, no, no. No, that's what it says here.

He had three children: Magnus, Inger and Lars.

But those also names of Danes.

Oh, dear.

Bjorn...

married Dane.

[soft chuckling]

Is deepest betrayal.

Bjorn is...

traitor.

Well, you know, so was Benedict Arnold,

but he was still a delightful dinner party guest.

Thor, who cares who he married?

Bjorn's your son.

No.

This is where you're wrong.

Thor have no son!

Well, this is gonna make

-for an awkward reunion. -Yeah...

So, how long do you think this is gonna take?

I don't know, Jay. This is my first time

having to get a ghost Viking to a designated scream spot,

where he will reunite with his father after a thousand years.

Ballpark? Five minutes?

[knocking]

[door creaks]

Weird. It's open.

Oh, my God, Henry, it's Sam and Jay.

I told you. Hello, please come in.

Hi, uh, we came to return your lamp.

And I know you don't take returns...

That is so cute.

But you didn't have to make up an excuse

to come to our little get-together.

Oh, you have company.

Uh, sorry to interrupt.

Oh, no, no. We're so glad you could make it.

May I please use your bathroom?

Yes. Yes, of course.

And don't worry, we won't start without you.

Thanks. [laughing]

Come with us. Our friends will be very excited to meet you.

Everybody, this is our neighbor Jay

and he's here for the party

with his wife, Sam, who's a blonde.

[laughter]

Oh, how I hate the first Wednesday of every month.

Okay, so that's my house over there.

Your father should be appearing at that window at any moment.

Oh, I see someone.

Hello! Bjorn is here!

[distantly]: It is Bjorn!

Just a moment! Thor'll be right here!

Tell him I'm very excited!

He's equally excited!

Of that, I can assure you!

A Fin, I could live with that.

A Swede, disgusting, but fine.

But why Dane?

Why you do that to me?

Dude, Denmark is actually pretty cool.

I mean, I've never been, but I used to buy Whippets

from a Danish guy at Dead shows and he was really cool.

ISAAC: Okay, Thor. It's showtime.

Your son is waiting for you.

I said I don't want to talk to him.

Thor, he traveled half the world and waited

a thousand years just to find you.

That's more work than I put in to meet David Crosby.

Thor not care. ISAAC: Can you imagine

the disappointment he is going to feel right now

if you abandon him?

You are his father.

-You're right. -Oh...

He is under the impression that I am his father,

so I will speak to him,

and tell him he is no longer my son!

Okay. It feels like you're deliberately twisting my words.

[sighs]

I miss Whippets.

[sighs]

How are you doing, Trevor?

Me? I'm awesome.

Nine and a half Cutting Edges in,

and it just keeps getting better.

Are you sure? You look a little glum.

Man just lost his peripheral vision.

Of course I'm a little glum.

But exclusively about that.

Tell me, when you were alive...

...why did you want to make money?

Excuse me?

Let's say you had not died

tragically young and without pants

and you had made all the money you'd ever wanted.

what would your life have looked like?

Paint me a picture.

Okay. Um...

I'm in a glass-bottom pool

on top of a skyscraper that I own,

and Kid Rock is there and he's deejaying,

but not because I'm paying him,

because he's just there

and it happens spontaneously.

And we have an epic party.

And afterwards, I make love to my wife, Tara Reid,

and post-coitus, together, we watch The Cutting Edge.

Duh.

It seems like money

wasn't just about money, then.

It was about friends.

About having someone to share it with.

I guess so.

But now, your pursuit of wealth

has left you all alone.

Take it from someone who actually was rich.

It's lonely at the top.

The question you have to ask yourself is...

...is it worth it?

JAY: Hold up.

You have a toy room, too?

I love how excited you are about this.

Sam thinks I'm a freak for having one.

You know, I wasn't into it at first, either.

You just gotta play around a little bit

till you find the ones you like.

[chuckles] Can we trade wives?

Uh, and on that note, ladies and gentlemen,

the time has come.

Is this because I didn't breastfeed you?

[ringing]

What you doin', Margaret?

Oh, um...

[giggles]

Ah.

After some careful consideration, I have decided

to give everyone their TV time back.

What's the catch?

No catch.

It's just, someone made me realize that

while money is important,

it's not as important

as friendship. Aw.

I had all the TV time in the world,

I just didn't have anyone to share it with.

Alberta...

I believe tonight's pick is yours.

Aquaman. Then, if there's time,

select scenes from Game of Thrones.

And you know the ones I'm talkin' about.

Have a seat.

Proud of you for learning the right lesson, buddy.[sighs]

Alberta, I'll give you 200 back rubs to watch Bodices & Barons.

-Wait, what? -Sold.

Hetty, you didn't mean any of that stuff you said to me?

You just tricked me into giving up my monopoly?

That's right.

And what about your speech?

You said that friendship was more important than wealth.

No, I said you need to ask yourself that.

I have and I know the answer. It's wealth.

[chuckles] Oh, it's wealth.

That's why she's the top dog.

There's no low she won't stoop to.

It's time to watch the baron glance at his mistress.

The glancing, oh, how I love the glancing.

ISAAC: Thor, wait...

Bjorn! Are you there?

Yes, I'm here!

Thor, please don't say something you can't take back.

Bjorn!

I have something to tell you!

What is it, Father?

[distantly]: Hello?

Father?

Come on, you can do it.

Say, "Father."

BJORN: Hello?

Father!

Are you still there?

I am here, son!

BJORN: What did you want to say?

That...

I love you!

Thank you for coming to find me!

I love you, too!

Okay!

Good talk!

Yes. Yes, great talk!

[laughs merrily]

That's... That's it?

-We gotta get out of here. -Jay,

the sweetest thing happened.

Yeah? Do you think we can climb out that window,

or should we just jump?

Can't we just go down the stairs

and walk out the front door?

Okay.

Take my hand, close your eyes

and whatever you do, don't touch anything.

JAY: Oh. We got an email from the Farnsbys.

Apparently, we've been invited

to their Christmas Toga Party this year.

That is chilling.

[chuckles]

Sam. Hello? [inhales]

Sorry, just a little distracted.

They steal silverware!

It's very important to know! Look, Thor.

I think it's great you're reconnecting with your son,

but maybe you could do it during daylight hours.

Making up for lost time.

You see, I realize it is not Bjorn's fault

that he married Dane.

Children not born with hate in their heart,

they must be taught it and I was not there to teach him.

[sighs]

Night, babe.

THORFINN: Now let's talk hygiene!

Danes, very dirty!

They never wash undercarriage!

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Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0