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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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2
00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:14,720
- So, this is it.
- Yeah.
3
00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:15,960
Home, sweet home.
4
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:18,520
Kitchen area.
5
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,240
- Yeah.
- You've got a bed, look!
6
00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:22,840
Yeah. And a chair. Watch this.
7
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:27,600
- It's quality, Len!
- Yeah.
8
00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:30,280
- And I've got this. Look here.
- Yeah.
9
00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,800
Len's been living in a lock-up,
ain't you, Len?
10
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:35,120
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
11
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:38,040
He can't get into his house any more,
cos it's so hoarded.
12
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:40,160
There's stuff piled up to the ceilings,
isn't there, Len?
13
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:42,840
- You can't get in the front door now.
- Yeah.
14
00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:47,320
Council found
that he'd been hoarding, like,
15
00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:50,720
jars of his own faeces
since, like, '98 and that.
16
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:52,760
Yeah, that was... that was a bit bad.
17
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:53,840
Yeah.
18
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,000
What you want to do is not hoard
this place up like the last place.
19
00:00:58,040 --> 00:00:59,520
I think you'd be all right then.
20
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:03,920
Yeah. Cos if I set my mind to it, then if
I think I can do it, I know I can do it.
21
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:04,960
Yeah.
22
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,880
But I'm getting a new tea towel,
and that's not cos I'm hoarding it,
23
00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:12,280
it's cos I need one.
24
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,280
- A tea towel's all right.
- Well, a tea towel's all right.
25
00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:19,480
Yeah.
26
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:20,640
Yeah.
27
00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:27,920
This is it. This is the bowls club.
My empire.
28
00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:30,040
Meet Colin - he's our newest member,
ain't you?
29
00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:31,400
Been here for a couple of weeks.
30
00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:34,560
He was getting picked on
the first week, weren't you? A little bit.
31
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:37,400
But, yeah,
you're settling in well, all right?
32
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:40,680
Yeah. A couple of the older members
have been nasty, but we stamped that out.
33
00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:41,880
All right, gents. You good?
34
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:43,720
I've been working here
since last month.
35
00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:46,680
There was a job going here
and the vicar made me apply for it.
36
00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:49,120
At first I was like, "Fuck this,"
37
00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:50,280
cos it's full of old stinkers,
38
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,880
but actually, they're all right
once you get to know 'em.
39
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:56,760
As long as you don't mention foreigners
40
00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:58,440
or self-service checkouts.
41
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:02,720
Cos they really don't like
either of those things,
42
00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:05,640
and they'll make sure
they let you know about that.
43
00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,200
All right, girls.
You behaving yourselves?
44
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:08,680
Yeah
45
00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:12,120
Hands off, Wendy, I don't think
Arthur would be happy if he saw that.
46
00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:13,640
Talk of the devil!
47
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,160
Usual, Arthur?
48
00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:17,760
Yeah.
49
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:19,240
I'm enjoying it, actually.
50
00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:25,000
I really didn't think I would,
but, yeah, it's going really well.
51
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:31,200
So, don't tell my dad
I showed you this, yeah?
52
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,440
But this is what I've been storing here.
53
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:40,360
Well, about a week ago, right,
my dad sat me down and he said,
54
00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:44,280
"Ker, how do you fancy going
into business with your old man?"
55
00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:48,000
"Like, renting a lock-up out
and letting me store me wares in it."
56
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:49,560
I just, like...
57
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,160
I thought I was going to cry.
58
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,000
But it wasn't because I was sad,
59
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:57,640
it was because my whole life
I've been telling people,
60
00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,600
one day me and my dad
will go into business together.
61
00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:03,360
And people were like,
"Kerry, it's never going to happen."
62
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,120
You know, "Get your head
out of the clouds,
63
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,480
"this is getting absolutely
heartbreaking now."
64
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:11,640
But I just knew in my heart
and I never let go of that.
65
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:15,680
So, my dad's got a mate called Spud
who works in the Dyson factory.
66
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,200
And all of these
were going to get thrown out,
67
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,280
but there's absolutely
nothing wrong with them, you see?
68
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:21,640
They're all tip-top.
69
00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:24,600
So, my dad basically takes them off
his hands for a small fee,
70
00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:28,160
and then I store them here
and he sells them on for a higher fee.
71
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:31,040
So, just, you know, everyone's laughing.
72
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:33,200
Such a small idea for a business.
73
00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:34,760
You see this guy, here?
74
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:39,600
Right, he had an Action Man surgically
removed from his arse, no word of a lie.
75
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,360
And he told the doctor,
"As I was coming out of the bath,
76
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,360
"I slipped on the bath mat
and I fell on it."
77
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:49,000
And the doctor said, "That's funny,
because why's there a condom on it, then?"
78
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,280
And he just went like this.
79
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,400
I mean, what can you say?
80
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:58,360
Odd.
81
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,560
It's pretty tight, this game, now.
82
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,280
This is the vicar's go, so...
83
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:12,400
Come on, Vics!
This is it, son. You can do it.
84
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:19,560
He's fucked it.
85
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,760
Unlucky, Vics!
86
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,560
He's absolutely fucked it there.
87
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:24,920
Yeah.
88
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,280
He's fucked it for the entire team.
They won't come back from that now.
89
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:33,800
So disappointing. If I had it my way,
I'd just haul him off.
90
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,080
Haul him off,
wouldn't even talk to him.
91
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,000
I am absolutely...
92
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,040
...thrilled.
He's doing so brilliantly well.
93
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,800
He's... He's a different lad.
94
00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:45,000
He's responsible, he's in control,
95
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:46,520
I think he's found his calling.
96
00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:48,520
- And everyone...
- Vicar! Sorry, mate.
97
00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:51,360
You've still got your bowling shoes on
in the bar area.
98
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,920
Goodness me!
99
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,440
I'm away with the fairies!
100
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:58,640
It's a bit annoying, actually. Cos this
is not the first or the second time
101
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,560
I've had to tell you, really, is it?
102
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,760
- No, sorry, Kurtan.
- It's all right. As you were.
103
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,240
So, as you can see...
104
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:09,640
I'm only saying it because, you know,
105
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,040
people look up to you.
And if they see you doing it,
106
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:13,840
they're going to think
it's all right for them to do it,
107
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,840
and that's, you know, that's when it gets
absolutely bloody bananas in here.
108
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,080
- Yeah.
109
00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:19,480
- Understood.
- As you were.
110
00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:29,360
So, me and Len
are basically neighbours now.
111
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,040
And as much as he winds me up
and wounds me up,
112
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:33,880
he's had a very hard time recently.
113
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:35,920
His sparkle has just gone.
114
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,120
So... And he's actually
a really good neighbour as well,
115
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,160
because he keeps an eye on my lock-up,
116
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,200
and sometimes, if I'm here,
he makes me a cup of tea.
117
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:43,920
- That's my da.
118
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,520
That's my da, look.
119
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:46,840
All right, Da?
120
00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:50,520
- Come here, you.
121
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:51,560
What?
122
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,640
What's wrong
123
00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:58,520
What have we said
about the cameras being here?
124
00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,040
I didn't know they were going to be here.
I'm so sorry, Da.
125
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,200
I'll find someone else to work with
if you're going to fart about.
126
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,520
Please, no. It'll be absolutely fine.
I won't let them be...
127
00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,920
- I've had it up to here. Get in the van.
- I'm sorry, Da.
128
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,560
Yes, it's legit. Of course it's legit.
129
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:24,560
Why would I put the lock-up
in my name if I didn't think it was legit?
130
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:27,120
You know, my dad
doesn't want to be on camera
131
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:30,560
because he's had his business ideas
nicked before.
132
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:33,280
You know my dad actually
wrote the song Wonderwall
133
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:36,960
on the back of a beer mat
in the space of ten minutes, don't you?
134
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,440
And he was at the Keepers,
and he just threw it on the floor
135
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,960
because he thought,
"This is just absolutely rubbish."
136
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,880
And guess what brothers
came into the Keepers that day
137
00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:46,480
working as crisps salesmen?
138
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:55,360
It was Bros, who then, later on
at another gig, threw it on the floor,
139
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:58,240
cos they just thought,
"This is actually not working."
140
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:01,320
But the Gallagher brothers were there,
and they picked it up
141
00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:02,720
and worked with it.
142
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,160
Four ham, four cheese.
143
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,240
Do you know what? I had six requests
yesterday for cucumber sandwiches,
144
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:13,640
so I did ten, and no-one touched them.
145
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:17,880
I actually found one spat out
in a napkin hidden under a table.
146
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,920
But that's the thing. They think they know
what they want, but actually,
147
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,440
they don't know what they want.
148
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:29,640
They're very much like babies in that
sense.
149
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,000
All right?
150
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:35,440
All right.
151
00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:38,480
What are you wearing?
152
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:43,520
Official England merchandise.
Manager's jacket.
153
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:44,760
When did you get that?
154
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,640
- Got it over there.
- That looks dead smart, there!
155
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,320
- The quality is...
- I can see it from here!
156
00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:52,520
The thread work and the lining
really works.
157
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,080
That is official as well, isn't it?
158
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:55,200
Yeah.
159
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,040
The beauty of working with my dad
is we get to hang out together.
160
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,160
And also have a bit of cash to splash.
161
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,960
- Got this for you, as well.
162
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,360
- Yeah.
163
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,000
- Yeah.
164
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:07,800
- Well, open it and see.
165
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:09,720
I actually bought the wrapping paper
as well.
166
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,560
That's not just recycled off
an old present.
167
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:14,520
- My God!
168
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,560
- Yeah.
169
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,000
No, I'm not kidding you, yeah.
170
00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,560
My God, Ker.
171
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,440
That... That's amazing!
172
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,480
- Well, give it a go, then.
- Yeah, all right.
173
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,120
- That is brilliant.
174
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:35,840
- Absolutely brilliant!
175
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:37,720
- You're so happy with that.
- I'm over the moon!
176
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:39,360
Do you know what?
That's absolutely great,
177
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:42,120
cos I've just got a tiny, tiny, tiny
little favour to ask you.
178
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,440
What favour?
179
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,080
Just need to store some stuff
at the bowls club, that's all.
180
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,320
Why?
181
00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,920
Because the lock-up's
just completely full.
182
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,600
I can't store anything at home either
183
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:55,040
because Mum's just hitting the roof
about it.
184
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,120
Kurtan will never make any money,
185
00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,640
because he's too much of a worry worm,
like his nan.
186
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:00,880
Do you know what?
187
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,080
They were both so worried
about the millennium bug
188
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,400
that they actually made a suicide pact.
189
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,200
Which would have been a shame,
190
00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:09,760
because he would have missed out
on the demise of Ceefax.
191
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:12,760
And he absolutely loved that,
seeing that go down.
192
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,800
Because he hated the graphics
and he hated the loading times.
193
00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:20,840
That's it, back it up, back it up,
back it up, back it up.
194
00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:23,200
There we go, and... Boom!
195
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,360
Christ! It's not all this, is it?
196
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:27,400
Yeah.
197
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,440
Ker, I haven't got the space for all this!
You only said it was going to be a couple.
198
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,560
It's not going to be for long, it's fine.
199
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,840
I really don't...
Can't someone else do it?
200
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:37,080
I've already got Len
to fill his lock-up with them.
201
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,040
What? You know Len's got a problem
with hoarding.
202
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:40,440
You shouldn't be doing that to him!
203
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,240
It's not a problem, Kurtan, it's a quirk.
204
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,000
- Ker, hurry up!
- Yeah, slow down, Spud, mate.
205
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,480
- My dad's mate, Spud.
206
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:52,360
Great. So, Martin's involved?
Well, this ain't going to be fishy, then!
207
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,320
It's not fishy, cos it's absolutely legit.
208
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:57,480
You know, if you're going to fart me
about, I'll just take your Hoover back.
209
00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:58,760
Quickly, then.
210
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,200
Agh!
211
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:24,360
What's that
Wally of the Year up on the shelf?
212
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:29,760
Wally of... This...
This is a little thing we do at the club.
213
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:32,840
We hand it out to,
well, the Wally of the Year.
214
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:37,320
And it's coming up this year.
We've got a few contenders for that.
215
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:38,800
Colin, for one...
216
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:40,560
- I want to sit in the window!
- He's...
217
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,200
Well, I'm sitting in the window.
218
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,400
First come, first served,
you miserable old git!
219
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:45,440
Sorry.
220
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,040
Don't you dare say
"miserable old git" to me like that!
221
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,600
- Oi! Oi! Guys! Oi!
- I'll say it any bloody way I want!
222
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:52,040
- I'll say it like this! Blah, blah, blah.
- Guys!
223
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,560
Stop it! Stop it! Arthur!
224
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,160
He was sitting in the window
twice this week.
225
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,640
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it, Len!
226
00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:01,080
Stop it! All right?
If this is about the window, yeah,
227
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:05,480
you had your turn yesterday, yeah
So let Len have his turn today. All right?
228
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,720
- Well, it's my turn tomorrow!
- Yeah, that is...
229
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:10,720
- And my turn the day after!
230
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:14,080
Go back, sit down over there,
please, Arthur, please.
231
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,080
- All right, yeah.
232
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:21,360
Yeah? Don't... I'm just not...
not really up for this today, lads.
233
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,880
All right? Sit down, that's it.
234
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,840
It's like running a kindergarten centre
here sometimes.
235
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,000
The way they behave, it's embarrassing.
236
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,720
Arthur and... Well, I know who's going
to be Wally of the Year.
237
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,680
I know who's on my... top of my list.
238
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,000
Arthur, probably.
239
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:43,280
Knobhead.
240
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:49,520
So, in the '90s, right, there used to be
a bunch of kids used to hang out here
241
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,320
and used to sniff glue and that.
And one of them was called Rug Rat,
242
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:55,680
and he sniffed so much glue that his
nostrils actually, like, stuck together.
243
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,200
And the doctor says to him,
"Look, I'm so sorry,
244
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:00,480
"but unfortunately,
you're going to have to talk like this...
245
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,000
"...for the rest of your life."
246
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,480
But then, he got a job
doing voices on cartoons.
247
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,360
He's made a massive success
out of himself.
248
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,800
So it just goes to show, you can be
anything you want to be, really,
249
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:10,280
if you put your mind to it.
250
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,920
Kerry Mucklowe
251
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,960
Er, I don't think it is, no.
252
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,720
It's registered in your name.
253
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:22,960
Er, well, it could be.
Because, I mean, nobody tells me anything.
254
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,920
Shall we go down the station,
sort this out?
255
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:29,920
Er, well, you can if you want.
I'm probably just going to head back.
256
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,880
Can you get in the car, please?
257
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:33,560
Are you asking me? Or are you...
258
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,080
- I'm telling you.
Yep.
259
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,440
This car, is it?
260
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:38,840
- Yep, that's the one.
261
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:41,000
- Just get in.
- I'll see you later.
262
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:44,600
OK.
263
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:04,840
Anyone here lost a hearing aid?
264
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:07,360
No?
265
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,320
No-one's going to claim it, it's going
to go straight in the bin.
266
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,880
For lost property,
my policy is the ten-second rule.
267
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,320
Right, in the bin it goes.
268
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,680
If it's not claimed after ten seconds,
just dump it in the...
269
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:20,920
Kerry's mum.
270
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:25,760
What does she want
Fuck it, I'll answer anyway.
271
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,080
Hello?
272
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:29,840
Hello?
273
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:32,720
Are you all right?
274
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,080
Hello, can you hear me now?
275
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:37,920
Well, you rang me!
276
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,400
Yeah, what... what is it?
277
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:53,960
Yeah?
278
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:02,360
Shit. Why?
279
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:05,280
Why?
280
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:12,920
Martin. I said it was dodgy, didn't I?
281
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,800
All right, yeah, all right.
282
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,440
Er, I'd better go, then.
I'd better go then, Sue!
283
00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,240
I'm just saying I'd better go, then!
284
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:28,360
Yeah, the connection's bad, it's fine!
285
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:29,760
OK? All right!
286
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:31,880
Yeah, I'll let you go. All right?
287
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,600
Hello, I said I'm going to go!
288
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:35,680
Fuck it.
289
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,560
Fuck. Martin, yeah.
290
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,720
I said it. I said it from the start
it was dodgy.
291
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:44,120
It just whiffed of dodgy. I bet...
292
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:46,960
Fuck's sake...
293
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,640
Yeah?
294
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,360
Hello?
295
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:54,560
Yeah, you all right?
296
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:57,800
Hello?
297
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,400
Right. Er...
298
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:04,960
Yeah. Fuck it.
I'd better go and call the vicar.
299
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,800
G
300
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,360
OK, Kerry. Thanks for coming in.
301
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,360
Just to confirm
that you've been cautioned
302
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:20,000
and are entitled to free legal advice,
which you've declined.
303
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,480
- Because I ain't doing anything wrong.
304
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,240
Can I also say, as my human right,
305
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:27,680
you have not asked me
if I want a glass of water?
306
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:29,560
And I am legally entitled to that
as well.
307
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,560
OK, would you like a glass of water?
308
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:36,200
No. But thank you for asking me.
That is correct conduct.
309
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:41,160
OK, So... We have evidence to suggest
that your father, Martin Mucklowe,
310
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,960
has been involved
in the transportation and storage
311
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,560
of stolen goods
from a factory in Malmesbury.
312
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,600
And it's our belief that he's been
using you to store them in a lock-up
313
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:50,920
rented out in your name.
314
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,360
No, because they weren't stolen.
They'd been thrown away.
315
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:57,360
It's like, you know... you know
the tea rooms in town,
316
00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:00,920
where if they, like, can't sell
all their paninis in the day,
317
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,720
they just put it in a bin bag
318
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:05,440
and they put it outside the shop
for the homeless, and foxes,
319
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:07,320
and sometimes
badgers get in there...
320
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:11,040
OK, Kerry. I need you to appreciate
the significance of this situation, OK?
321
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:15,440
Yeah, but also, have you ever seen
The Raggy Dolls on CBBC?
322
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,080
Because that's very similar.
323
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:20,200
It's, like, the dolls,
if they're not in full working order,
324
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,240
like, their arms and their legs
and that...
325
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:23,880
They should have all their limbs,
326
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:26,760
and these don't have their limbs,
so they get thrown away into a thing.
327
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,440
And that's very similar to the Hoovers.
328
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,000
Because the Hoovers
are very much like the dolls.
329
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,920
Because they also want
to find loving homes.
330
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,880
Look, I know you're trying
to protect your dad,
331
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:39,680
but you have to tell us the truth.
332
00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:42,200
I am telling the truth.
My dad's not a criminal.
333
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:45,160
When I think of Kerry Mucklowe,
I think of someone
334
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,560
who is very loyal. And very, very stupid.
335
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,320
Sort of more stupid than loyal.
336
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:58,600
Sort of 70% stupid, 30% loyal, probably.
337
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:02,000
Because she's very loyal.
338
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,040
But extremely stupid.
339
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,160
Bored!
340
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:07,720
- Yep. It's...
- Bored!
341
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,600
It's boring. I'm bored too, I'm bored too.
342
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,280
- Yep.
343
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,800
Well, then, why don't you actually
investigate a proper crime,
344
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:15,840
rather than just hounding me
and my dad
345
00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:18,640
for absolutely no reason,
over some little Hoovers?
346
00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:23,400
Kerry... I don't think you understand
the severity of this crime.
347
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,880
If convicted, you can face up
to seven years in prison.
348
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:34,120
And... as things stand, there are
168 stolen vacuum cleaners in a lock-up
349
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,120
rented out under your name.
350
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:40,640
Now, this is your final opportunity
to give us your account.
351
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:50,720
Were you in the year below me at school?
352
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:55,840
Yes.
353
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,560
You used to hang out with Darren Lockhart
and that?
354
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,000
I did, yeah.
355
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,840
Have you heard what's happened to him now?
356
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,280
He got sacked from the leisure centre
cos he made his own periscope
357
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:09,000
and was peeping on the girls
in changing rooms.
358
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,360
- I wouldn't know.
- Well, you should know,
359
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,800
cos if you want to be investigating
anything, mate, I'd be investigating that.
360
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,440
Interview terminated at 13.48.
361
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,400
That was hard,
362
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:27,120
that was really hard.
He was absolutely seething,
363
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,080
cos he couldn't get
any information out of me.
364
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,440
Basically, PC Webber
365
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,640
was trying to get me and my dad
to turn on each other.
366
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:37,920
What he doesn't know is
us Mucklowes ain't grasses.
367
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:41,560
My dad, right, always taught me
Mucklowes look after Mucklowes.
368
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:44,720
Well, I don't really know her.
I mean, she's my daughter and that, but...
369
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:45,760
Right.
370
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,720
...I've had nothing to do with her,
cos she's trouble.
371
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:48,760
OK.
372
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:52,600
As for the stolen stuff,
well, I wouldn't put it past her.
373
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,880
What do you mean,
you wouldn't put it past her?
374
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:56,720
Well, make of it what you will, you know.
375
00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,360
Unfortunately for Kerry,
376
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:02,400
she has one very big hole in her life.
377
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,520
And that's Martin.
378
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:09,280
And what makes it even more difficult
for Kerry is that,
379
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:11,680
living in the same village as her father,
380
00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:14,880
she's always going to feel that
that loving relationship
381
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:18,560
she so desperately craves
is just within reach...
382
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:21,480
..when, in fact,
383
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,160
he might as well be living
on the other side of the world.
384
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,800
Ker. What's all this?
385
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:31,960
Hoovers.
386
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,760
Yeah, I know it's Hoovers,
but what are they still doing here?
387
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,200
"A few days," you said.
388
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:39,320
Well, I've got to leave them here
cos I can't put them anywhere else.
389
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:43,280
Ker, if they find this lot here,
I'm going to get the blame, right?
390
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:47,320
Next thing I know, Terry's going to be
taking my tie off me and my key fob,
391
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:50,600
and I can't lose this job.
This means the world to me, this job.
392
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,480
You know?
393
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:56,520
The other day, Terry said he'd never
seen the glasses look so clean.
394
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:59,560
He said they looked like the glasses
from the Finish adverts.
395
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,040
And that's cos I go that extra mile,
396
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,040
cos I put a tiny bit
of Fairy washing-up liquid
397
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,280
in with the dishwashing tablets, right?
398
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,600
And it makes all the fucking difference.
399
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,200
And your dad is going
to fuck that up for me.
400
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:11,640
You've got to tell the truth,
401
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,840
or he's going to fucking drag me down
and you down with him.
402
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:17,240
Kurtan, Mucklowes look after Mucklowes, so
you've got nothing to worry about, mate.
403
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,120
Yeah, and I'm a Mucklowe.
You're not looking after me.
404
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,920
Yeah, well, my dad's a Mucklowe
and you're not looking after him, are you?
405
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,160
Yeah, cos he's a fucking scumbag,
Kerry,
406
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,480
and he's going to fucking
stitch you up again.
407
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:28,840
He's not going to stitch me up,
cos my dad loves me.
408
00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:33,040
Do you know what?
I actually don't think he loves you at all
409
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,000
and I don't think he's ever loved you.
410
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:38,320
All right, that's harsh
and unnecessary, but fine.
411
00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:39,360
Right, you remember
412
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:40,880
- Yeah.
413
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:42,080
Yeah?
414
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:43,920
- And you nearly died.
- Yeah, I did, yeah.
415
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,160
It was pretty serious, right?
416
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,680
And you were in hospital
and your dad wasn't there, was he?
417
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:49,800
- No. He wasn't there.
- No. Cos he was too busy.
418
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:51,160
- Too busy down the Keepers.
- Yeah.
419
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,400
- He was playing on the fruit machine.
420
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:54,600
Playing on the fruity, exactly, thank you.
421
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,120
Yeah, because it was
just about to pay out,
422
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,960
so he's not exactly going to leave it,
is he?
423
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:03,200
What, is he going to just let someone else
go and swan in and go on it?
424
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:04,480
No, don't think so.
425
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:10,000
I have never known someone love
someone less than Martin loves you.
426
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:12,000
OK
427
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:15,520
Cos Martin loves Martin, right?
And no-one else.
428
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,680
Well, why have me and my dad
been texting each other, then?
429
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:20,520
- Just texting now, look.
430
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:22,040
- Each other.
431
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:24,200
About meeting up
to get our ducks in order.
432
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:25,280
What does that mean?
433
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,200
I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure
it means that he's got plans...
434
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:32,600
Len! Len's been using
the ladies' toilet again!
435
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:33,760
Fuck's sake.
436
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,560
What you dobbing me in for?
437
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:40,600
Can you see the sort of shit I've already
got to deal with here with them two?
438
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,000
Look, we're in
a little bit of hot water, Ker.
439
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:51,320
Yeah.
440
00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:54,280
So I've been having a long hard
think about how to sort it out, right?
441
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:55,320
Yeah.
442
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,240
The plan is,
you go down to the police station.
443
00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:58,320
Right.
444
00:21:58,360 --> 00:21:59,920
- Ask for PC Webber.
- Yeah.
445
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,640
Takes you to the interview room.
446
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:03,760
- Right.
- You've got to start crying.
447
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,800
And you've got to say,
"Nothing to do with my dad.
448
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,920
"It's all me, all me.
I stole them Hoovers."
449
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:10,760
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
450
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:12,680
And then you go down
for six months or so.
451
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:13,680
Right.
452
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:14,880
And that's it.
453
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:19,680
I... I don't want
to go to prison, though, Da.
454
00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,840
You might enjoy it, Ker.
And you never know,
455
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,760
you might find a lover in there.
456
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:28,040
Some of these places these days
are like bloody Butlin's.
457
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:31,680
I mean, you've got pool tables,
they feed you, you've got bunk beds...
458
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:33,880
I can't go to prison, Da.
459
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:36,200
Kerry,
Mucklowes look after Mucklowes.
460
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:40,480
You do love your old dad, don't you?
461
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:41,960
Course I do.
462
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,280
You wouldn't want to see him
go inside, would you?
463
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:45,480
No, of course not.
464
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:48,920
Well...
465
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,000
Do you love me, Da?
466
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,760
It's not about love, Ker,
467
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,520
it's about having a stiff upper lip
and getting on with the job in hand.
468
00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:58,480
Yeah, but you do love me, though,
don't you, Da?
469
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:03,200
I'll be honest with you.
A couple of years ago...
470
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:06,600
...I had a job. Long-haul lorry driving
for Hawkin's Bazaar.
471
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:07,840
Yeah?
472
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,800
And one day, I was coming back
from Dover late at night
473
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,000
- with a lorry-load of puppets...
- Yeah.
474
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:16,440
...and this little dog darted out
in front of me.
475
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:18,200
No collar, no nothing.
476
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:19,560
I swerved to avoid him,
477
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,120
but, well, I hit him head-on.
478
00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:24,080
I stopped the cab, got down,
479
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,760
and its legs were mangled like
480
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:29,280
- a drawer full of phone chargers.
- God.
481
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:30,920
I picked him up,
482
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,880
- cradled his head as he was dying.
483
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:36,520
And I looked into his big, brown eyes.
484
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:40,680
And I felt absolutely nothing.
485
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:43,800
And you know why?
486
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,760
Because I've got no empathy. Zilch.
487
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:49,360
Zero, nil points, nothing. So...
488
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:55,920
You...
489
00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:00,440
...you will write to me, though,
won't you, Da?
490
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,960
Have you not listened to a word
I've just said?
491
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:07,480
Right.
492
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:10,880
Take me to the police station.
493
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:15,280
Well, it's not really
on my way, Ker.
494
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:19,600
Yeah. Sorry.
495
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:23,880
- Just...
496
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:28,160
Well, I'll see you, though, Da?
497
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,960
Mucklowes don't look
after Mucklowes.
498
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:44,480
Mucklowes are the problem.
499
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:47,760
You know, you need someone
to protect you from the Mucklowes.
500
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,160
And I say that as a Mucklowe myself.
501
00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:53,080
The thing is, you've got to realise
502
00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:55,000
what kind of a relationship
she's had with her father
503
00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:58,400
and how that's affected
her whole outlook on life.
504
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:01,880
I don't know how many times
he's fucked her over,
505
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:02,920
and she never learns.
506
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:06,840
I'm not even angry with him any more.
I'm angry with her.
507
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:09,640
She makes the same mistakes
time and time again
508
00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:13,680
and she doesn't listen to the people
who actually give a shit about her.
509
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:16,040
I like Kerry,
I've got a lot of time for Kerry.
510
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:17,760
She's a good girl, Kerry is.
511
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:20,440
She's lazy, she stinks...
512
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:23,840
...she's rude, nasty.
513
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:27,760
I see a lot of myself in her, really.
514
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:30,960
She is thick,
but she's not as thick as she looks.
515
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:32,520
She looks thicker than...
516
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:35,760
She's thick, but she's not...
She looks thicker than she actually is...
517
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:38,200
...whereas Kurtan...
518
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,040
...is thicker than he looks
and he looks thick.
519
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:43,880
Have you seen Friends?
520
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:47,080
Cos I think Kerry and Martin
are a lot like Gunther and Rachel,
521
00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:49,920
because Gunther loves Rachel,
522
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,080
but Rachel doesn't give a shit
about Gunther.
523
00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:54,960
He's just some guy
who works in a cafe, serving coffee.
524
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,680
You know? And he should focus
on what he does have,
525
00:25:57,720 --> 00:25:59,160
which is a great little business.
526
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:04,160
Yes, I do think there is a point
at which people just have to
527
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:05,920
stand on their own two feet
528
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:09,560
and take responsibility
for their decisions.
529
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:13,040
- Hi.
- Hi.
530
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:16,000
Um, I was wondering if I could speak
to PC Webber, please.
531
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:20,600
Unfortunately,
when it comes to Martin,
532
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:24,200
she seems to always
make the wrong decisions.
533
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:28,920
"Mucklowes look after Mucklowes"
is our family code.
534
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,520
And a lot of people
wouldn't understand it.
535
00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:34,800
I'm only just starting
to understand it myself, to be fair.
536
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:41,920
We're ready for you,
if you'd like to come through.
536
00:26:42,305 --> 00:27:42,563
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