Original subtitles

Morning!

You're happy.

Let me guess.

Twitter followers hit double figures.

Nope.

Still plateauing at the big seven.

Good wedding?

It was brilliant.

I met someone, actually.

We just hit it off.

She ended up staying over.

She?

I made a new friend.

I had a friend night stand, Laura.

So you met a girl at a wedding,

brought her back here, and slept in a bed with her?

Sounds a bit gay, mate. - Oh, come on.

You know I'm about the dong.

Yeah, I forgot you're a cock-magnet.

I just made a new friend.

Is that so hard to believe?

Yes.

Look, she's brilliant, Laura.

You're going to love her.

She's over from Australia.

We met over our love for the wheel of Stilton.

We befriended a waiter.

Then he gave us a bottle of champagne.

Then we made up a dance.

Then we did karaoke together.

She's a top laugh.

I'm going to invite her to my 21st tonight.

Meg, it's all happening so fast.

Morning.

Good morrow, all.

Cillian.

You're ravishing this morning, Meg.

Laura.

Right.

May I trouble you for a source of hydration, Meg?

That's actually Mark's.

Is he here?

No, he's back tomorrow.

So can you strip the bed, please?

You might want to boil the sheets.

They're pretty much rock hard now.

I do love being in this kitchen, around you beautiful,

loving women.

Makes me feel ever so tranquil.

So, where's your friend, then, Meg?

- She's still in bed. - What friend?

She picked her up last night at a wedding.

Oh, Meg, your lesbian sore spot.

It's not like that.

There's nothing gay about me sleeping

in a bed with another woman.

Oh, grow up.

Look, Ellie's just my mate, OK?

Deal with it.

Hi!

Hiya!

Hi, I'm Ellie.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, thanks.

I feel awful.

Yeah, me too.

My head is pounding.

Hung over.

Oh, totally worth it though.

You were a riot.

Do you remember drawing the cock and balls in the guest book?

Oh, my god, yeah, I do.

Luckily, I managed to turn it into a cat

before anyone noticed.

I told the father of the bride

that it was a Chinese good luck symbol.

Never give me rum again.

Good times.

All right, I'm going to go get in the shower.

What?

What?

That. - Mate.

What?

Are you sure you didn't...

Oh, come on!

I know it's been a while.

But I'm not a lesbian.

OK, well, she is.

Like 100%.

How can you tell someone's sexuality

by a two-second encounter?

Meg, I have an excellent gaydar.

And yours is famously appalling.

No.

Is she?

She doesn't look like one.

What do you want her to do?

Come swaggering in, in dungarees and Doc Martens,

riding a motor bike?

She's gay.

Gay.

Gay.

Oh, shit.

Really?

Oh, so what.

There's a lesbian in the house.

So I've made a new friend, that she just

happens to be a homosexual.

Big deal.

I'm not going to be homophobic about it.

So just to clarify, you're totally cool about this.

Of course I am.

So you're going to invite her tonight then, as your date?

Of course I am.

You're on the boob, you twat.

No, I met her at the wedding last night,

and she stayed over.

Yeah, the girl I was doing karaoke with.

This is exactly why I'm ringing, because I'm trying

to avoid any homophobia...

I am bringing a lesbian girl to my brother's 21st

as my plus 1 is what I'm saying, Mum.

Just a heads up.

I hope you don't have a problem with that, because I don't.

Yeah, bye.

That was Meg on the phone.

Yeah, is everything OK?

I think she just came out.

Oh, that's 50 quid you owe me then.

If you're going to eat her face for breakfast,

do mind getting it to take away?

Oh, Laura, don't be like that.

Come and join in.

Let's just be ourselves.

Hey.

What?

Laura knows we share a rude disregard

for the social conventions of dating, monogamy being as it is

a capitalist construct, in direct conflict

with the innate condition of the oneness of the universe.

You mean you both want to fuck other people.

I can't help it if I'm addicted to puss-puss.

Right, well, I can smell your cock rot from here, mate.

It's put me off my breakfast.

Give it a wash.

Come on, come back to bed.

Yes, Mommy.

No one needs this, do they?

Oh, god.

That's it, they're out of here.

Do you know it's not a booty call but chicktionary.

How romantic. To

I hate him.

Me too.

Shall we tell Bunny?

No.

At least she's getting some good sex.

I can't even bring myself to look at Gary at the moment.

Oh no, is it all off again?

Practically.

I mean, I can manage Ducky, because I

don't have to look at him.

But he knows that means I'm pissed off.

It's kind of a mixed message, Laura.

This has been going on quite a while.

Do you not think maybe you'd be better off with someone else?

Yeah, Gary wouldn't have it though.

No, I meant break up with him.

Maybe.

But your brother's inviting him tonight.

So I guess that means we'll be playing happy families.

Right.

Well, I think we should go and rescue

Ellie before that hound ropes her into some kind of sex game.

I don't think he's her type.

I can't believe he's anybody's type.

Come on.

Hi!

You look nice.

Excuse me, where are you going?

- The restaurant? - Sorry, you can't go in there.

Oh right, I get it.

You have a problem with her, do you?

- Meg, don't. - No, I'm sorry.

This really gets on my tits.

It's the 21st century, mate.

Meg.

What people get up to in the privacy of their own bedrooms

or any other rooms...

Probably not public spaces, that's gray area.

But... - You've lost me.

I thought she was a, you know, delivery woman.

Is that euphemism?

For what?

Nothing.

We just want to go up to the party, please.

That's absolutely fine.

So, Gary, you know Laura.

Bunny.

Hi.

Cillian, absolutely riddled.

And that's my brother, James.

Which one are you?

John or Edward?

Happy birthday, mate.

Thanks.

And Mum and Dad.

Really nice to meet you.

Babe, there is nothing on here that I can eat.

It's like carbs.com.

And that's Sara.

Is someone sitting here?

Here?

Oh, this chair's for my bag, sorry.

It's a present from James.

And it's not fake.

Oh, good.

Because nobody likes a fake.

Where's Mark?

We're not together anymore.

This is Ellie.

We met last night at a wedding.

She ended up staying over.

Did anyone see the bake-off?

I really love that program.

Especially Sue Perkins.

I really like her.

Everything about her is absolutely fine with me.

Exactly, Mum.

I've never seen it.

Oh, my God.

That's City, that's Bradford City, get in!

- No way. - It is!

Oh, my God, amaze balls!

Gary, sit down, you knob.

- All right, lads. - Gary.

City.

Asshole.

Sit the fuck down, Gary!

Look what you've done.

Happy?

Sorry.

Yeah.

You know, I remember when people

actually used to say grace.

Well, bottoms up, everybody.

Many happy returns of the day, James,

you despicable young whippersnapper.

Yep, up yours!

Up yours!

21 years ago today, I was in absolute agony.

Mum, we're trying to eat.

We were just over the moon it was a boy.

We were struggling to conceive, weren't we.

For a while there, we seriously

considered adoption, which is a perfectly legitimate

option for lots of people.

Shall I order some more wine?

Excuse me, can we have some more wine?

And send a bottle of whatever City are having to their table.

I can't believe City are over there.

Gary, get over it, you bell end.

I'm just off for a slash.

Gary, you don't say that.

Sorry.

Will you all excuse me while I urinate?

Is he waving at us?

Yeah, I think so.

He's coming over.

Hiya.

How's you, gorgeous? - What me?

Fine.

You look nice.

Thanks.

Just on sale.

New hair.

Yeah!

Well, new to me.

But it's really human hair like.

Listen, I didn't get a chance to say hi.

But I saw you when we were out last week.

I've got to say I love the way you dance.

Thanks.

I love the way you kick.

All the lads were saying you were the fittest one in there.

You better go. My boyfriend's coming over.

Boyfriend?

That's a shame.

Oh, my God, oh my God!

Toilet's Some mint.

No one wants to hear it, Gary.

Excuse me!

Sorry, but I think there's been a bit of a mistake

with the wine here.

We didn't order a 300 pound ball of Cristal Champagne.

I'm just off for a ciggy. f

No, your friend ordered it for the gentlemen

at the next table.

Gary, you fucktard!

Hey, we're off to the Hurley Burly.

Will we see you in there?

Hurley Burly, the burlesque place?

Yeah.

So will our favorite dancer be working tonight?

Don't know.

Who's your favorite?

You.

Oh, God. I think you might have...

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll be dancing later.

See you in there.

Look, love.

It's none of our business.

We don't mind what you do.

We'll support you.

We just think you're very brave.

It's only handing out flyers.

To be honest, we always had a hunch, didn't we?

It's really nice meeting you, Ellie.

Yeah, you too.

Oh, no.

Bunny, quick word.

Mum just said she supported me.

OK, and that's a bad thing?

She thinks I'm brave.

She thinks I just came out.

Well, I can't believe that comes as any surprise, mate.

Because the whole table thinks you're

a lesbian, particularly Ellie.

What, who?

I was just being her mate so I don't look homophobic.

I'm not a fucking lez, though.

Right, where are we off, then?

I've had a brilliant idea.

How about we go to Hurley Burly's?

Isn't that a strip club?

No, Meg, it's a burlesque club.

Yes.

OK, stripping in old clothes then.

It always takes ages for the tits to come out, though.

Well, don't come then, Gary.

It's James's birthday, so he'll decide.

In, obviously.

In.

In and out, hopefully.

I love burlesque.

It's so empowering.

That's one word for it.

No, I'm sorry.

I'm not comfortable with going to a burlesque bar with her.

This is all wrong. - Brilliant.

Meg's on an accidental lesbie date.

Ha!

Thank you, very supportive.

Do you want these on the same hanger?

No.

Thank you.

So what's the difference between burlesque

and stripping?

Two stone, usually.

It's more theatrical and flamboyant.

And it's all about the tease.

Right.

I just love how the women are totally in charge.

It's just so empowering.

Is that empowering?

Someone just threw money at her tits.

They're not supposed to do that.

That's Cillian!

It certainly is.

Is it just me, or does that one

look like your friend Laura?

Oh, yeah.

That's uncanny!

Hot.

Hey!

That was quick.

Just watched you dance.

You were brilliant.

Stunning.

Thanks.

So I'll give you a private dance, if you want.

I had no idea it was that type of place.

Yeah.

VIPs only.

Just over here.

Bravo!

You are delicious.

Call me later.

I must feast on that divine, undulating temptress's body.

Woo!

This is so empowering.

So, how long have you been a footballer, then?

All my life, really.

I've been doing it since I was a kid.

What about you?

Yeah, same.

Shall we crack on, then?

Yeah.

Don't you usually put some music on?

Uh, yeah.

My brother is so getting dumped.

She's gorgeous though, isn't she?

Right.

Could I just say something here, Ellie?

OK.

You seem quite nervous.

No, no, I'm not.

So the thing is, right.

I just want to apologize.

Because I think I've been leading you on.

I just... I don't really know how to say this,

but I need to make sure that you know that I don't fancy you.

You don't fancy me?

No.

OK.

That's absolutely fine, because I don't fancy you either.

Oh.

Shit.

Oh, god.

It's... I'm so embarrassed.

Sorry, I thought you were gay.

Yeah, I am gay.

I just don't fancy you.

Oh, right.

Oh, what, because I'm straight?

No, it's... what?

You're not gay?

No, I'm just normal.

No, I'm all about the dong.

Oh, what?

So you thought I was a lesbian, but you don't fancy me?

Well, no offense.

But you're just not really my type.

I mean, you're fun.

But you're sort of self-righteous and uptight.

And I'm just really not into flat-chested girls.

And that thing that you do with your face, when you...

OK, yeah, I got it.

Well, we could just be friends.

Yeah, that was the original plan.

Hey listen, can I tell you a secret?

Yes, mate.

I have a massive crush on your cousin Bunny.

Cool.

Is it OK if I stay over?

Mm hm.

Shit, cells.

I'll be back in a minute.

Right, Gary, I've got something to tell you.

You know how we've both got one celebrity we can nob?

Of course.

Holly Willoughby's in trouble now.

Well, I want to swap off Matt Wright.

- Who are you swapping in? - I don't know his name.

But he plays for Bradford City.

Rick Henderson?

Yeah, that one.

Good news.

She doesn't fancy me, because I am uptight and flat-chested.

Win.

So we're just going to be friends.

Good, eh?

Yep.

I am off the hook, because she fancies you.

Who, me?

She fancies me?

Gosh, well, that's wonderful!

I mean, wow, oh how exciting!

Where is she?

What are you doing?

Oh, don't be so uptight, Meg.

I'm going to go and talk to Ellie.

No, she's my lesbian.

I found her first!

I know it's early, but we're leaving.

I'm taking Sara.

She's had way too much to drink.

She's a bit upset.

Why? because you stopped her getting off with a footballer?

She's just drunk.

And being stick into her 600-pound handbag.

Bunny!

What are you doing?

Grinding.

Well, I'm being ground.

Meg, I thought we talked about this.

I don't fancy you, sorry.

Yes, and I'm not a lesbian.

These are totally platonic slut drops.

OK, this looks bad.

I bought you wine.

You prick!

Get off me!

You've got five seconds to get your fucking

clothes on and get out of this place before I call the police.

I'm better fit than her.

Have you seen my Gary?

He decked that City knob, bam!

That City knob you were getting off with?

How fit did Gary look, when the bouncer

had him in a choke hold?

Yeah, fit in a sort of squealing, dribbling way.

What the fuck was going on in there?

Gary, shut up and tongue me, you sexy bastard.

Meg, have you seen Bunny?

Oh, she's over there, showing her disregard

for the social conventions of dating.

Hot.

I am so up for this.

Hey, Meg.

What say we...

Eat shit.

He's a fast footballer.

Laura.

Fuck, again!

Oh, Gary!

I love friend night stands.

Mm, bit more than a friend.

Guys, I'm completely straight.

We saw you snogging in there.

Friends kiss, so what?

Do it all the time.

Since when?

Since boarding school.

Nothing happened.

It was just rubbies.

What's rubbies?

Oh, actually, I don't want to know.

It's no big deal.

And like I said to her, I'm more into the taking

than the giving.

Oh, like Christmas.

Too.