Original subtitles

If history is written by the winners,

what happens to the rest of us?

Are we just... erased?

What if I were to say to you that there are no facts?

That... that it's just interpretation?

That history is just a fiction?

A social construction,

constantly being rewritten

to reinforce the ideology of the present? Yes.

Facts still happen, right?

So how is history a fiction?

Think about your family growing up.

Events happened.

Your brother was born.

Your parents had a fight.

Your sister got into trouble.

But if I were to ask your siblings about your childhood,

I guarantee it, you get a different history.

Your brother might say...

Professor Birch.

Your class brought in their papers.

Lots of unhappy C's, D's and F's.

Well, did they tell you I also gave them the option to revise their work?

Mr. Birch, this is not The University of Chicago.

This is a non-accredited community college.

And I know that. But if we don't create some kind of expectations,

how are they gonna think any of this matters?

God forbid, learn something.

I just need them to keep paying tuition.

So you help me out, and I might be able to keep you on the faculty.

Okey-dokey?

Okey-dokey.

Hey.

Last one.

Eastern Kentucky State University Press?

- Sir? - Hm? Yeah.

Oh... 20 years of my life there. Careful.

You're early.

I got held up at school. Where's your brother?

- Where do you think? - Again?

She changed the locks, like, a few months ago.

Well, can you let me in? I really gotta use the bathroom.

She said you're not allowed inside unless she's here.

Sorry, I still have to live with her.

Come on, Zoe, I... I don't have time for this.

All right.

- Happy? - Setting a real example.

You know, peddling this conference as a family vacation never really worked.

Maybe Jack and I should just stay home.

We're spending the week together. It is non-negotiable.

- You might wanna get Jack's bag. - Right. God!

Hey!

All good!

All right! To the Pacific!

Yes! Ah!

You missed Dad pissing on Mom's roses.

Cool.

The working title is York, Lewis and Clark's Invisible Man.

Uh, Eastern Kentucky State University Press is publishing.

Yes, they do have a university there.

Um, I... No, I get that a lot.

Um, OK. Well, listen, me too. I look forward to meeting you as well.

OK. Thank you very much. See you then. Bye.

Hey, buddy.

What'd they get you for this time?

Falling asleep in Latin.

You know, if you just applied yourself,

you might surprise even you, of all people.

Is this gonna be another lecture?

Who was that on the phone?

Michigan State. Wants an interview.

So are you kids ready to see the ocean?

Please, we're not fucking five anymore.

Right. You fucking ready for Oregon, you little fucks?

- Fuck yeah! - What about you, Jack?

You motherfucking ready?

- Cool. - Cool? That's it? No enthusiasm?

Uh, hella cool.

Dad, you sure we're all related?

No, Zoe, you were found in a basket by the river.

♪ Howling wind She's a crazy girl ♪

♪ She caused a storm that spilled the world ♪

♪ Moving along

♪ On the sea, said I might

♪ I stole it from a dusty bird ♪

♪ Dying all alone

♪ Everything you ever learned to love ♪

♪ Is burning up

♪ All your dreams are trailing off ♪

♪ You tilt your head into the dark ♪

♪ Moving on

♪ And all that's left is you and me ♪

♪ Scattered pictures in the trees ♪

♪ We're moving on

♪ Everything you've ever held dear ♪

♪ Burning up

♪ Burning up

♪ The crazy wind's the only friend we had ♪

Hello, Bill. To what do I owe the pleasure?

It's Mom. She's not well.

I think it's serious. Look, I'm stuck in Tijuana all week,

so I thought maybe you could fly up to Idaho. I will pay for the tickets.

Well, now's not really a good time for me.

I'm here with the kids and I'm on my way to a big conference, so...

How long has it been since you've seen him?

He's harmless. Really.

Well, I'm nowhere near them. What can I do that you can't?

Look, just go home, get on the first plane in the morning.

You can still make your conference thing.

OK. Come on, kids. Wake up.

- Are we there yet? - Not quite.

Wait. Why are we back in Chicago?

Jack, come on. Come on. This way.

Um...

- Do you live here now? - We'll talk about it in the morning, OK?

You OK over there?

- Yeah, it's cool. - OK.

- I don't see any soy milk. - I'm sorry. I forgot.

That's cool. I'm not that important.

Oh...

What happened to Portland? Don't you need to be hocking yourself,

trying to get a real job?

You sound just like your mother.

OK. Um, listen.

I have some bad news.

Your, uh, your grandmother is very ill.

And we're gonna go visit her before we go to Oregon.

And we leave for the airport in an hour.

Sorry she's not well,

but don't we, like, hate them?

Well, you can't divorce your family.

Even if you don't get along.

You and Mom sure didn't have a problem with that one.

Is this it?

Dad?

Lewis?

Uh, why don't you kids go to that diner we passed?

Remember that? And, uh, I'll just call you later. OK?

Are you sure? I mean, we're here to represent.

Yeah.

Hi.

Still dressing up, I see.

Where is she?

In the bathroom.

Bill said it was serious. What's wrong?

Where's your brother? I called him.

He's not coming.

Mom?

Hey, Mom, it's Lewis.

Mom?

How long has she been in there?

Don't bother her.

Mom?

Mom, it's Lewis.

Mom, I'm gonna come in, OK? I'm coming in.

Everything all right?

Uh, yeah. I've just... I hurt my knee.

How is she doing?

Your mom, is she OK?

She passed away.

Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

You wanna talk about it?

Maybe it's that tumbleweed of stray pubes.

Something tells me we shouldn't be sitting on this floor.

All right. No humor.

You wanna tell me something about her?

A nice memory?

You know, I...

spent so much time trying to forget, I can't even remember.

How about we just sit here, then?

Me, you, and the pubes.

I assume that one of you would like to say a few words.

Mm-hm.

- Lewis wrote something. - Very good. Um...

- After my remarks... - I want William to speak.

Pop, I didn't... I didn't prepare anything.

Besides, Lewis and I had the chance to discuss this,

and we decided it'd be best if you...

- No, I want you to do it. - You're being silly. Come on.

Come on.

Fine.

Really. Here.

Are you sure, Lewis?

Whatever.

How do you sum up a life?

By our achievements, our status, the things that we collected

along the way?

Or is it the impressions that we make on each other?

The fleeting moments

where we truly see each other

and are seen?

Shirley touched all of our lives...

I'm so sorry.

Lewis, Nell Pope.

I'm... I'm so sorry for your loss.

- Thank you. - Dad, I'll be outside.

Oh, yeah. Um...

My kids.

Beautiful eulogy.

Yeah, um...

So how do you know my mom?

We met on a Discovery Trek.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Mm! - It's OK if you break down

and make a messy fool of yourself.

Oh... I think I'm OK.

I'm sorry.

We're going to need the room for another family.

OK.

- Peace. - Oh.

Thank you.

- Give me one of those. - Dad'll kill me.

Tell him I forced you at knife point.

Why don't you just give your little sister a gun?

- I didn't give her anything. - I'll hold the cancer sticks.

Lewis, Zoe, Jackie boy. Good to see you guys.

Let's do it again sometime under better circumstances. What do you say?

- You're leaving? - Yeah. I got a shit storm brewing down at the factory.

Here's a freebie: never outsource to old Mexico.

And you're just gonna leave me here to clean up the mess?

Gail, grab the car, will you, please?

Hey, kids, uh, pardon your father and I for a second?

Don't tell my kids what to do.

Look, I get this is a stressful time,

but I got a flight to catch. Lewis, whatever you decide to do with him,

I support you. OK?

It's good to see you.

Oh. Uh, the plane tickets?

- You said you would reimburse me. - Right.

Let me know what it is and they'll send you a check.

No.

I need the money now.

Gail, do we have any cash?

Apparently, Lewis needs some money.

That's all we got.

Hey, partner, let me know if I owe you anything else, will you?

Email is best.

Oh.

Now, Patty, listen. Before you begin,

uh, I have two more chapters to send you.

OK, Lewis, this is

6,862 pages.

Well, a lot of that's footnotes.

Yeah, but Lewis, we don't do hardcover.

- We do soft cover. - Soft cover?

And 500 pages is our limit.

I hate to say this, but I'm wondering

if maybe Yale Press wouldn't be a better home for you.

Um, no. Uh...

That was a long time ago.

I don't really think they're interested. I thought we had a deal.

I'm telling history departments about our release date.

No, we have a deal. It's just that we're going to have to make some cuts here.

Significant cuts.

Well, how's the conference going? We're expecting big orders.

It's good.

Stanley. It's me.

The fridge is stocked with enough food for a natural disaster.

Uh...

Service was nice.

Hm?

So, listen... we gotta go.

Um, you know, I'm presenting my book at a big conference, and...

I'll tell you what. I think we'll stay for dinner,

and then we'll go to the airport later. How's that sound?

It's ridiculous, not talking.

Oh, fine. You know...

I came for her anyway.

Get your stuff. We're leaving.

We just wanted to say goodbye.

Hello?

Hello?

Stanley?

Stanley?!

Grief is a powerful emotion,

that affects people in unpredictable ways.

He's experiencing a kind of dissociative episode,

where he's walled off in feeling. It's a coping mechanism.

He can hear and speak, but he elects not to.

- He's on autopilot. - Like a zombie?

Think of it more as a protective cocoon.

Now, I can admit him to a facility,

but the best thing is for him to be home and with family,

going about his routine.

Uh, Winston, it's me. Um...

I'm still stuck here. I wanna talk about swapping talk times.

So call me, all right?

No animals were harmed in the making of these.

Didn't think you could teach an old dog new tricks.

Well, you know, there's this crazy thing called the Interweb,

where you can find vegan recipes or stalk old flames or...

It... is it really that bad?

You can always put back in the butter and the eggs. Hm?

No? Oh. I'm not sure how edible that's gonna...

- Mm. - Really?

- Mm-hm. - OK.

I thought you forgot.

Well, just because your mom kicked me out,

doesn't mean I don't remember 15 long and painful years.

- Happy birthday. - Yeah. Happy, happy, Zo.

I told you if you waited, I'd get you one.

- What? - Peter promised her the iPhone.

- Oh. - When they get back from Hawaii.

Great.

You check on Rain Man?

Stanley?

Stanley?

Uh, we could make signs. Like when you lose a dog?

Yeah, Catatonic missing, gone AWOL.

Shouldn't we call the police? I mean, he does have a musket.

Oh, no.

All right. As you may have noticed, your grandfather

has a rather unhealthy Lewis and Clark obsession.

And every year, he used to drag us on this thing

called a Discovery Trek.

Come on.

Who are these people?

Ho! Uh, who there cometh?

Is he for real?

I be Cyrus Marshall, but you may address me as Captain Lewis.

And I am Lewis, as in that's my real name.

And I'm looking for my father, Stanley Birch.

Uh, Captain Clark? Is he here?

I'm... I'm afraid he's not quite himself.

I'm aware of that. Can you take us to him, please?

Well, we don't normally allow outsiders to enter the camp

in modern accoutrements.

These are special circumstances.

Fair enough. Follow me.

Thank you.

Did we just see some white dude in war paint and leather skivvies?

Yeah.

Who invited these guttersnipes into camp, dressed in such tomfoolery?

This be no concern of your'n.

Oh. And why should I heed a lick-fingering farby like you?

Captain, I order you to stand down!

What the dickens will you do if I don't?

They're Shirley Birch's family. Let them be.

Oh. I'm... My apologies.

I... And my condolences.

OK.

Hey.

Gave us quite a scare there.

Can you hear me?

Hm?

Can you talk?

What about writing? You wanna write me something?

Here?

I don't know what to do, Stanley.

I just don't know.

I'm really trying.

You think you could just help me out here, please?

Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no, no. Oh, no. No, no, no. No! No!

- What? - Technology-free zone.

Well, I can't get a signal anyway. Come on.

I mean, no, I understand that. But I'm... I'm just supposed to be in the middle of a...

No, I get that. I get that. I...

All right.

OK. Thank you, doctor. I'm... Sorry, thank you.

OK!

All right. Well...

Dr. Salter thinks he should stay.

It's part of his routine, it's something he's familiar with.

You know, he used to do this with my mother.

And, uh, the fact that he came here on his own,

very good sign. But he also warns

Stanley could be a danger to himself and to others,

and thinks that we should go along on this trek.

So, wait. What are you asking us?

Being with family is his best hope of recovery.

And if we leave, the doctor warns, he might never come back to reality.

I'm sorry, but you kept this man from us for how long?

I assume it was for a good reason.

Or is this really how you want to spend your week

- with your kids? - I don't know, Zoe.

- This is what I'm trying... - Did you not just hear those people?

Or see the ones dressed as Injuns?

It's like they're trapped in some Stepford

- Davy Crockett flick. - Lewis and Clark.

And you want us to play their revisionist dress-up games

that celebrate the holocaust of the Native American people?

- I think it could be kind of cool. - Cool?

Have an opinion for once outside of cool.

And what about the conference? Your book?

Zoe, enough.

Uh... she's right.

I've just totally hijacked your vacation. I've ruined your birthday.

And I'm just dragging you into my own shit. I'm sorry.

We'll take a vote. OK?

Secret ballot.

Stay or go.

Since when is this family a democracy?

Right now.

Welcome to the 47th Annual

Lewis and Clark Discovery Trek.

Now, in order to trek properly, we must abstain

from using anything unfaithful to the period.

This includes clothing, uh, iPods,

uh, phones, uh, et cetera.

The only exception, for boning up on the facts, is our reference bible,

Pierce Pratter's The Passion of Lewis and Clark.

Abigail, Mary?

Isn't Pratter that tea-bagging history for dummies hack?

Please outfit our new friends.

Up, up, up.

They'll get you taken care of.

- I'll like your Jesus. - Cool.

Don't bother with the inseam there. Um, yeah.

Our, uh, Sacagawea is sick. You wanna be our squaw?

- How about just a hearty pioneer? - OK.

Our charge is to reach the mirage where we will rendezvous with the other platoons

for a ceremonial powwow.

Now, discipline is very important.

That's how Lewis and Clark got all their men back home safe and sound.

- Didn't one of them die? - Uh, that was...

Uh, Sergeant Floyd. But his death was God's will.

Now, when you step outside this tent,

you will be transported back to 18-aught-five.

There will be many obstacles, as we blaze into a new frontier.

And, just like with the original Corps,

only the good Lord knows what challenges lie ahead.

- Amen. - Amen.

We'll get our clothing back, right?

Yeah. Stanley squirreled everything away for safekeeping.

Now you look like full-fledged Discoverers.

Gather round, platoon.

So is this like the whole platoon?

Everyone wants to be Lewis or Clark.

There'd be, like, huge brawls over it.

So they split everybody up into smaller groups

- so that everybody would get a chance. - Oh.

Henceforth, I will be your captain, Meriwether Lewis,

and, uh, this here is my co-captain, William Clark.

This'll be interesting.

We're about to embark upon an adventure...

into the unknown.

A virgin land lies before us.

Not that I really believe in the Second Amendment,

but isn't a little gender-biased only giving the men weapons?

We got a lot of ground to cover. So let's march.

Can you just play nice and get through this? Please?

If those are the values you wanna promote, that's cool.

And thanks for a kick-ass birthday.

Hey, OK. Let me lighten your load here, honey. I'm sorry.

Still here, in one of these ridiculous outfits

I swore I'd never wear...

Haven't lost your shot, I see.

Remember when you only used to let me eat what I killed?

You know, the doctor said you can speak. You just choose not to.

Whenever you do wanna talk, I'm here to listen.

It's Winston. I switched our conference talk time,

so you have three days to get to Portland.

All the good schools might be gone by then.

So I'd hurry. Good luck.

There's, uh, a kind of hierarchy to the re-enactors.

On one end, there are the hardcores.

They're fanatical about accuracy.

And then there are folks who, you know,

just try to get into the spirit.

Oh, wait! Unless you wanna get sick, you have to treat the water.

Thanks. The runs would have put me over the top.

Speaking of, where are we supposed to, like,

go to the loo?

I was afraid of that.

Hey, everything all right?

Nell was just explaining how the world is now our toilet.

- Hey. - And what's a farby?

- Far be it from accurate. - It's an insult that you're not authentic.

- Enough. - So I guess we're proud farbies.

Yes, I guess so.

Ah!

Thought we were gonna have to send out a search party.

Didn't Lewis and Clark travel by boat most of the way?

I mean, if we're trying to be accurate.

Well, we had an incident with the keelboat a few years back.

Lost our liability insurance. Uh, but they traveled on foot as well.

Not to be a stickler, but are we even on the trail?

Your orders are to collect kindling.

- And where's Jack? - Well, he's out...

out foraging with Abigail.

He's a nice boy.

You gone too native already to just use your lighter?

- They're not allowed. - So you're one of them too, eh?

Just ignore her.

- Check out Mr. Tinder. - See that.

All right.

This blows.

You're doing it just right.

Just gotta be patient.

You know, be my guest.

Nobody ever gets it the first time.

Oh, OK.

- Hi. - Hey.

- How are you? - Good.

OK. Enjoy.

Thank you.

And what, may I ask, is this delectable meal you've made for us?

Braised rabbit, with a medley of root vegetables.

Compliments of Stanley.

Careful for the lead shot. I wasn't able to get it all out.

The lead's probably the only thing I can eat. I'm vegan.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know.

We'll whip something else up for you.

Thanks.

- OK. - Come on, Stanley. What's the big deal?

She'll eat what we're having, or none at all.

Remember what I said about not rocking the boat?

Let's just... get through this, OK?

Are you sure you can't just eat around the meat?

OK.

Um... Oh, great, almighty Jesus,

thank you for this pious porridge,

this holy hare and these venerable vegetables.

- Amen. - Amen.

- Good rabbit, mother. - It's delicious.

- Better outside, isn't it? - Mm-hm.

- Hi. - Hi.

I thought the rule was whoever cooked doesn't need to clean.

- You don't need to help. - Oh, listen, anyone who saves my kid from starvation,

believe me, it's the least I can do.

Your father and Cyrus can go a little too far.

I noticed.

You never told me, how did you get involved in all this?

Well, I kind of fell into it.

Lost a bet with a friend.

I was a little creeped out by everything at first.

But the people are nice.

And the longer I was out here,

the more I realized there's a kind of peace you get

from leaving everything behind.

Living off the land, cooking on a campfire,

and sleeping under the stars.

You know, the...

Thoreau idea that you get lost in the woods to find your center.

I wish you had told me that when I was a kid

stuck on one of these.

Your mother mentioned you were married?

- My wife's in Hawaii... - Mm-hm.

With her new sugar daddy.

Figuring out the custody thing now.

But the lawyer's mostly winning.

What else did my mom tell you about me?

Um... that you're a bigwig academic.

Youngest on the faculty at The University of Chicago.

Well, that was a while ago.

Um, I now teach, uh, part-time

at, uh, Unitech Community College.

The pay is so great

that, uh, I... I moonlight as a security guard.

Just for kicks.

No, when we get out of here,

I'm presenting at this big conference.

- Oh. - So...

Hopefully, things will change. Soon.

But listen, I gotta tell you,

- I have an ulterior motive. - Oh?

Like... learning how to make a birthday cake

the way they did back on the trail.

But vegan.

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny

Happy birthday.

You really know how to embarrass a girl.

- It's vegan. - Thank you.

Thank your father. He practically made it on his own.

Well, I did have professional help.

How you doing, Stanley?

You missed his soliloquy.

If they get any more ga-ga, I think I might puke.

I can't tell who's corrupting who.

So, what did the Discoverers used to do for fun,

aside from take peyote with the natives?

Which, if you had some, I'd be happy to reenact.

They told stories.

Can you share one with us?

OK.

It's November.

1805.

After years of brutal travel,

the Corps of Discovery finally get their first glimpse

of the Pacific Ocean.

And then... it sinks in.

They're gonna have to turn right around and go back to Washington.

Now, they knew that they would have to wait out the winter.

But rather than make a blanket decision about where they would camp,

for the first time, Lewis and Clark put it to a vote.

So from Sacagawea to York, the slave,

everyone got a vote.

This would be a century before women's suffrage.

And much later till African Americans were truly enfranchised.

But on that coastal stretch,

the first glimmer of democracy emerged.

However fleeting the idea was.

And the minute they stepped back on U.S. soil,

York was still a slave.

That's what my dad's book's about.

York, the Corps' Invisible Man.

I never knew a slave was part of the expedition.

Well, don't tell Cyrus. He might make you dress up as one.

Can you tell us about your book?

Uh, well...

The 6,000-page question.

You know, Lewis and Clark's adventure

is central to American mythology.

Whereas York's story is too often reduced

to mere footnotes.

Yet his experience calls to question

everything we celebrate about that journey.

Manifest destiny,

bringing freedom and enlightenment

to a savage land.

Native Americans didn't believe in Lewis and Clark's system

of property and land ownership.

But Clark, he brought human property.

Which he beat senseless when he returned home.

And York fully expected to be treated as a free man...

Enough of your horn-swaggling balderdash, private!

You know, there are many stories about what happened to York when he won his freedom,

years after the journey. One account describes

a great, black chief of a Native American tribe

who left United States territory finally finding a place

for him to fit in.

A place where he would be seen for who he was!

A place where he would be a hero...

and king.

I guess he can still talk.

Sort of.

Um, have any of you seen Abigail?

No?

Abigail?

Abigail!

Uh, you're late for evening prayers.

Well, I suggest you all get some rest.

Abigail, can I just... Just one second. Abigail.

Don't worry. I won't tell.

Me neither.

Good news or bad?

Well, I'm still waiting to hear from...

a few, but most...

Who canceled?

Holy Cross and Wheaton.

Minor colleges.

- Are we gonna make it to Portland? - We have to.

Besides, I promised you the Pacific.

I'm sorry you had to spend your birthday here.

While I miss being vetted at some mall restaurant,

and wouldn't mind the crispy sheets of a chain motel about now,

today wasn't a total abomination.

- For moi? - Oui.

- LMB. Did you make this? - Mm-hm.

Very cute.

But I don't wear leather, remember?

Right, right.

Now you look hardcore.

Oh! Get up, you lousy scoundrels!

Feeling better today, Stanley?

That's Captain, you no-good scallywag.

Now, out of the tent and on to chores,

or your hide's mine.

Stanley, can we just stop playing pretend and talk?

I don't know who this Stanley is.

But you lazy louses got one minute to report to duty,

or I'm taking down the tent myself.

Well, don't just stand there like imbeciles.

I liked the silent version better.

Ditto on that one.

Ah. Tufted titmouse, Mother, did you hear that?

- What? - Tufted titmouse.

Hurry it up, private, you're slowing the party down.

Now that he's gone Captain Crank, can we get out of here?

I'm just not sure it's much of an improvement.

Or that he'd let us take him peaceably.

Something wrong?

I don't know how to put this.

And I have no idea why I'm crying right now,

but I think I'm having my period.

Oh! Um...

Do you have, you know, what you need?

That's the problem. This is, like, the first time.

Hormones.

First? Really? God, I would have assumed...

I'm on the later end of the spectrum.

Probably because I internalize parental dysfunction.

Well, congratulations.

Is... is that what you're supposed to say?

It sounded kind of awkward, right?

It can't get any more awkward

than having bloody chunks of your uterus slide down your legs,

jammed into this prehistoric getup.

I asked Princess Chastity for a tampon.

Not only does she not have any,

but she warned me that her history Nazi mom

would force me to stuff a rucksack up my crotch to be historically accurate.

Oh, God!

Jesus! Well, what are we gonna do?

I don't know. That's why I'm asking you.

Wait! Can I have a ride?!

Medical emergency! Oh, come on!

- I'm sure these outfits help. - Oh!

You all right? I'm sorry.

Wow. You're a woman now, I guess, huh?

You can bear children.

But don't. I mean... do.

But, you know, when the time is right and you've met someone special.

And you're, you know, 20. Or 25.

Is that your ringing endorsement of parenthood?

And boys... hm?

Make sure they wrap it up, you know what I mean?

I mean, I'm not condoning it.

I just think you're, you know, not mature enough emotionally quite yet.

But if you do, honey,

if you really insist

on engaging in sexual activity,

just use protection.

Of course, not only could you get pregnant, you know,

you could open yourself up to a lifetime of open,

very painful, oozing, pus-filled sores.

- I'm serious. - Nice image.

Thanks for the shock and awe sex-ed talk.

Oh! Thank you, thank you!

Come on!

Bye-bye.

- Want me to come in with you? - I think I've had enough embarrassment for one day.

Of course.

Oh, here. Let me give you...

They took your wallet?

Let me guess, your phone, car keys,

all our links to civilization? Nice.

You've gotta be kidding me!

I've gotta do something about the alien gnawing inside of my womb.

Look! It's little Indian thief! Poca-hump-ass!

Busted!

Collect from Lewis Birch.

It's true.

Pocahontas was the first American

whose story's been reduced to a cartoon

for morons like you to feel good

about years of subjugation.

But this happens to be an early frontier outfit.

Whatever.

All right. I guess you little peepers

don't wanna get your willies sucked off, then.

Uh, yeah, we do.

First, I wanna hear you say, I'm dumb oppressor spawn.

Lewis, why aren't you at the conference?

Well, long story. Um...

So, have you had a chance to read the book?

Well, I stopped halfway through, but I can tell you, it's brilliant.

It's the kind of book that's gonna change the way

we understand American history.

And even though I'm so stupid I can't spell misogynist,

I will treat women with respect.

Good enough. Now give me 20 bucks.

Each.

Now, listen carefully.

I want you to go to the men's room

and wash yourselves thoroughly.

Like, five minutes, at least.

And then wait for me in the room that says

Employees only. Got it?

But Lewis, I just don't see how you're gonna cut it down to 500 pages.

And there is one other thing.

Um, I got the press packet for Pierce Pratter's new book.

It's called York Speaks.

And I'm just kicking myself I let this get through

and beat us to the punch.

Pierce Pratter? He's not an academic,

he sells sugarcoated Hollywood history to people in airports.

I know, but unfortunately, uh, that's our market.

Sadly, with subjects like this the market can only absorb one book every few years.

What?

I'm truly sorry, Lewis, but we're not gonna publish your book.

So... so that's it?

I thought we had a deal. You said we had a deal.

Well, the good news is that you get to keep the advance.

Lewis?

Can I help you?

- Pierce Pratter. - Oh! Just took them out of the box.

Right over here.

I take it you're a history buff?

You know, I also have some autographed copies of his The Passion of Lewis and Clark.

Do you mind?!

Oh, man!

Oh, no.

- There! - Sir!

Sir!

Lewis Meriwether Birch!

Lewis!

I am so sorry, ma'am.

It seems someone forgot to take his medicine today!

You get over here and apologize!

I'm going to count to five,

four, three, two...

I'm very sorry, ma'am.

I'm very sorry, ma'am.

Really.

What was that?

I don't wanna talk about it.

I can only handle one crazy in the family.

- Understand? - Yes, I do.

All plugged up in the female department, if you'd care to ask.

Of course I care. I'm...

I'm sorry, I... God, I wish your mother was here.

You overestimate her.

Well, it's just that she would have known what to do.

I'm just sorry I'm not any help at all.

Can we give the self-loathing and obsessive apologizing a break?

Yes, we can. I'm sorry.

I mean, I'm sorry. I...

I mean, yes.

It's over.

So how did you get the money to buy that stuff?

How about we just don't ask, don't tell on that one?

I didn't wanna say this before, but Eastern Kentucky State?

So beneath you.

And that Pratter book? Not in your league.

Well, unfortunately, they reward the one

who's first out of the gate.

All those interviews at the conference?

It's contingent on my publishing.

Not everyone wants the dumbed-down version of things.

Have you even sent the book to anyone outside of Appalachia?

They all passed. That's why they have it.

They passed after Yale dumped you and no one thought you'd finish.

I'm still not finished.

Well, what does that say about you?

Robert Caro spent 20 years on his Johnson biography.

Right? He immersed himself in every detail, exhausted every source,

and you know what? He's still not done.

Didn't he, like, publish a few volumes and win some Pulitzers?

There's a bigger burden of proof

when you wanna change history. All right?

- Remember that. - Says who?

Hey, Jack. Where is everybody?

Jack. I asked you to look after Stanley. Where is he?

Come on, Jack, where is he?

Are you a scallywag? Come on, you no-good scallywag!

- Ay-yi-yi. - Scallywag!

All right, I thought we went through this.

- Come on, hand it over. - What?

The doobie. What kind of brother

doesn't share with his little sis?

I'm losing my patience here.

You know, I give you one simple task,

and you've managed to screw that up too.

You know your grandfather's not well, right?

- Stanley! - I'm sure he's fine.

Yeah, the man is armed, thinks it's 1805,

and that he's Captain Clark, slave owner of York.

Cyrus is probably looking after him.

Stanley!

Stanley!

Stanley! Thank God!

Pull another stunt like that, you're expelled.

I ought to give you 40 lashings for desertion.

You know, this whole emasculated man who overcompensates

by playing dress-up tyrant is getting tiring.

If you can't discipline that cherry, I will.

You lay a hand on her, I'll break it off.

Mind how you speak to your commanding officer, private.

You've been warned.

Have you seen Jack or Abigail? I'm starting to get worried.

Um, mm-mm.

Abby knows these woods like the back of her hand.

They'll turn up.

Evening.

- Here you go. - Oh.

It's mushroom and bean soup, made with veggie stock.

Thank you.

Dear Lord,

thank you for this meal,

even though we should have been eating venison.

- Amen. - Amen.

Mm.

So, Cyrus, Mary,

um, we wanna thank you for a memorable time.

And let you know we'll be leaving tomorrow,

- and taking Stanley with us. - Oh, shucks.

No, you don't wanna miss tomorrow.

No, we're meeting up with the other platoons for the big powwow.

That's a shame. We have to... we had to have been in Oregon days ago.

You hear that, Stanley?

We're taking you home tomorrow.

All right?

We're gonna need our stuff back.

- Who dares approacheth? - Me and Jack.

No, no, no.

We've got company.

Oh! Come, join us. Please.

Good going, scouts. Yes, come and join our community.

Nell, can you rustle up some grub for our guests?

What a remarkable event.

Um, sit. Uh...

No, down. Sit... sit.

Good. Good, here.

Uh, OK. Uh...

Uh... eat. Eat.

Eat. Uh, put...

Your mouth... yeah. Yes! They're really catching on.

Nell made this. They don't understand that.

Oh, get...

Good. Um...

We... we...

uh, come from a, uh,

a far-off land.

We're the great chief

of the, uh, 17 nations

of the United States.

Lives in a big White...

House.

I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle.

Um... oh, yeah. Let's see.

Some of... our culture to you.

This is ho... horn.

That's... something like that.

And this... look at this beautiful item.

Never seen anything like that. We have many of those.

Ah. The peace pipe.

You know, despite the politics,

it's not that far from the actual welcome ceremony

Lewis and Clark performed.

I mean, the gifts, the peace pipe...

all true.

Mary, show them how we have fun.

All right.

Please!

This is what we do. This is what we do to have fun.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Your son has a very good source.

Oh, please don't tell me that.

And he's quite the artiste.

I didn't know he was so good.

I mean, I'm... I'm just a bad father.

- Oh, no, no, no. - Oh, come on. You need it.

You know how people get flushed when they drink?

- Mm-hm. - Like they're missing a gene or something?

Well, that's what it's like with me and grass.

- You get flushed? - No. Uh, well, I'm just not genetically equipped for it.

You know, most people, they get stoned,

and they wax deep thoughts. Me...

- I just cry. - Oh.

I don't know why.

When's the last time you got stoned?

Seventeen years,

11 months and 14 days.

You're counting?

No, it's the day that Jack was conceived.

- Oh. - I still think I'm to blame for why he seems to be

so perpetually stoned.

- It got you laid. - Yeah, after a two-hour ball session

with my soon-to-be ex-wife. Only when she took pity on me.

Still got you laid.

Here.

I suppose I could always use a good cry.

Oh.

- You OK? - Uh-huh.

- It's been a while. - Yeah.

So... what's with this martyr complex, anyway?

I mean, what the hell are you repenting for?

Today, on this day,

I was officially rejected

by the Eastern Kentucky State University Press.

- Eastern Kentucky? - Mm.

They're the publishers of paperback books under 500 pages,

or the bindings will break.

I did everything right. OK?

I put myself through college, three years.

- Wow. - I got a PhD in four.

Plum professorship.

Top publisher, just...

all lined up.

And I just blew it.

Half my life, the same book,

still not finished.

Yeah.

Welcome back to earth.

Maybe it's my curse.

You know, Lewis...

Lewis never finished his book about the expedition.

He had a huge publishing deal too.

Jefferson was hounding him.

The whole world was waiting.

He just got paralyzed by the pressure.

He offed himself.

And he... he was a guy...

who led a party across a strange,

and unknown land.

Brought them back,

and still felt he hadn't achieved...

Where does that leave me?

What difference have I made?

Well, you're... you're here,

and you're alive,

and you're taking care of your father and your kids.

No, they think I'm pathetic. I'm telling you, I cannot handle this.

I...

It's OK.

- Oops. - Oh...

Oh... it's very moist.

- Just... - Oh...

I should go.

- I got up so early. - OK.

- All right. - It's OK.

What am I wearing?

Daddy!

Stop!

No!

- Please, no! Stop! - Hey!

- Hey! Stop that! - Dad, help me!

- What the hell are you doing?! - - Punishing this young man

for behavior ill-befitting a member of the Corps.

He defiled the sanctity of my daughter.

- Are you out of your mind?! - You stand aside,

or I'll make a man of you next.

You lay a hand on my kid,

I'm gonna have the police come and haul you away. You got it?

Captain! Seize this mutinous, scally-wagging fool!

I love you, Jack! I love you more than Jesus!

Oh, I love you more than oxygen!

Don't stand there, do something, captain!

No!

It is over. It's over. You are not Captain Clark.

You're just Stanley Birch, we're done playing.

- Come on. - That's it! You're kicked out of the Corps!

All of you!

Get your stuff together. We're out of here.

This is why you're homeschooled!

- I liked it! - They're just...

They're heathens, Mother. That's all. We're going home.

You wanna tell me what happened?

You wouldn't understand.

Where'd you find that?

Uh, just found it.

It was mine, you know.

I made it on one of these treks a long time ago.

- You want it back? - No.

- You can keep it, if you want. - Sure.

What about this?

Look at me.

You know, you shouldn't smoke pot. Rots your brain.

But these...

Wow. These are...

hella cool.

Lewis, hurry, it's Stanley!

Ho! Whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, hey! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

If he so much as twitches his trigger finger, I'm taking him out.

Just let me handle this. OK?

No offense, but maybe we should

let a professional handle this.

- Weren't we leaving? - Just don't let him shoot anybody.

- You too, Jack. - OK.

Take another step, and I'll blow your head off!

- Stanley, it's me. - You hard of hearing?

- It's your son, Lewis. - You make another move,

I will shoot.

Don't! Don't shoot! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Next time, I won't miss.

Now, you red savages make a move,

I'll fill your bellies full of lead!

Captain Clark.

Is that you?

It is your friend, Meriwether Lewis.

William, my friend.

Captain.

This ain't friendly territory.

Well, then, uh, maybe we should move out, then.

They'll shoot us in the back if we retreat.

Then I will flank your right and reinforce you. You hear?

So whatever you do, don't shoot.

What's the situation, sir?

They got Sergeant Floyd.

Let me take over, captain. You rest.

No, no. You can't trust these redskins.

You so much as sneeze, I'll blow your dirty faces off!

Tell me, what happened to Floyd?

They just... they came in the middle of the night, and they just took him.

Should we, uh, send out a search party?

No.

Floyd's gone.

It's not your fault.

I should have been there to stop them.

There's nothing you could have done.

I should have been there... more.

I think... I think I'm gonna take the gun now, Stanley.

I'm taking the gun now, OK?

You've gotta let go.

I just miss her... so much.

I know.

We all do.

We all do.

Come on.

Yeah.

OK.

That was very brave, Dad. Didn't think you had it in you.

Yeah. Very cool.

So...

what do you say we get out of here?

Hm? We got a conference to get to.

What about our stuff?

I know I took your things,

and I buried them.

- But... - Come on, Stanley, no.

Look, think. OK? Just think.

Our keys, my phone,

my wallet, our IDs.

Everything.

Where? Just think.

I'm sorry, but I just don't know.

Oi.

Is there any way I can help?

I don't even wanna know where you learned to do that.

I could probably hotwire it.

Let's just stick to the plan.

Nell's driving us to Oregon.

Move over for your grandpa.

Here you go.

Thank you.

She was always torn up about you.

Never stopped blaming me.

Even made me write out an apology once.

But I never sent the damn thing.

What did it say?

The, uh, apology.

Well, I can't remember what I saw on television the night before.

No one ever teaches about this stuff.

Being a parent.

You didn't do too bad.

You know, the Corps of Discovery took over 500 days to reach the West Coast.

Look at us.

I think you just missed the exit.

Hello? I think it said Portland.

My talk started 45 minutes ago.

- We're not going. - What?

What about meeting colleges? Find a new publisher?

Getting the job you deserve?

There'll be other conferences.

I just have to go to one more than once every 20 years.

- So you're just giving up? - No.

I'm just getting started.

Besides, I promised you the Pacific. Remember?

Thank you.

- What? - I thought you could give your talk.

Here?

It's 1804.

And the United States was still a young nation.

Thomas Jefferson knew that whoever controlled the Northwest Passage

would control the Americas.

That was Lewis and Clark's charge,

as they ventured into the unknown,

guided by an unrelenting desire to meet the Pacific.

Forty-eight brave souls started the two and a half year journey.

Thirty-three finished the 8,000 mile trek.

And each of them discovered a different America.

♪ When the wine stops working and you're all run out ♪

♪ And all of your high hopes have all headed south ♪

♪ The songs left the stable and they never came home ♪

♪ And there ain't no forgetting that you're out on your own ♪

♪ Broken bottles shine

♪ Just like stars make a wish anyway ♪

♪ Just your smile lit a 60-watt bulb ♪

♪ In my house that was darkened for days ♪

♪ Been thinking you probably should stay ♪

♪ When the going is long gone and the kick drum won't kick ♪

♪ When you fumble with your fiddle ♪

♪ And you're fresh out of tricks ♪

♪ And the horseflies are biting but the fish never do ♪

♪ And your heart's a thousand colors but they're all shades of blue ♪

♪ Broken bottles shine

♪ Just like stars make a wish anyway ♪

♪ Just your smile lit a 60-watt bulb ♪

♪ In my house that was darkened for days ♪

♪ Been thinking you probably should stay ♪

♪ Yeah, I think that you probably should stay ♪

♪ And our dreams on the windowsill ♪

♪ See those trees turning gold in the hills ♪