All language subtitles for Malibus.Most.Wanted.2003.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

* Yo, yo *

* I nobody name *

* I'm so rare *
* I'm yo' pusher *

* I'm the necktones *

* And I just
Want to let you all know *

* I'm yo' pusher *

* The world is about
To feel somethin' *

* I'm yo' pusher *

* That they never felt before *

[GUNSHOT]

* Five, fo', fo' *

* Hey... *

B-RAD: Growing up
in the streets ain't no joke.

There's crazy crime,

drugs,

and mad violence.

Yeah, the streets is tough,

but there ain't no streets
tougher than mine.

The streets of...

[GUNSHOT]

Malibu.

It's hardcore up in the 'Bu,
y'all,

but it's just part
of the everyday struggle.

Things go down here
people should never see.

We got bag ladies,

big ballers,

everybody
strapped with a nine.

This is my ghetto, the mall.

Most of the time,

the police won't even
come through.

We got all sorts of sets
up in here.

We got the beach boys,

the ACCs, the Abused Children
of Celebrities,

and this is my crew.

That's my boy, Mocha.

That brother
straight-up crazy.

He did time in public school.

That there is Hadji.

He's the Beast
from the Middle East.

And that's Monster.

She had a big chip
on her shoulder...

till she ate it.

Hey, that's me, B-Rad G.

I run things around here.

Now, sometimes,
busters be disrespecting,

and you can't punk out,

no matter what the devil may
bring.

Hey, yo, fool.

We about to have
some hardcore drama

go down
right about now.

That's right.

This our mall.
Always has been, always will be.

Whoo whoo!

Oh, Mr. Amerislani.

Our clerk
accidentally gave you

the wrong aromatherapy candles.

Here you go.

[SNIFFS]

You validate parking?

Of course, sir.

That's what I'm talking about.

We get ours.

[GUNSHOT]

That's my crib.

It ain't much,
but it's all I got.

And if you
elect me governor...

That's my pops,
Bill Gluckman.

He getting his campaign on.

I got mad love for the man,
but he's old school.

He needs to bring his word
to the street.

That's where I come in.

You see, friends...

California is my family.

And speaking of family,

I want to introduce
my wife, Bess,

and my daughter,
little Brenda.

Where's your son, Brad?

Yes, sir,
where is he?

I... It-- He's--

Uh, thank you
for your questions.

Unfortunately,
we are out of time for today.

[HIP-HOP BLARES]

[WHIRRING]

Yo, what's up, y'all?

This is B-Rad G,
kicking it from 'Bu,

representing...

Hi, Pops, it's me,

B-Rad.

Hi, Brad.

* We all gathered here
On this special occasion *

* To listen to my pops
Teach you west-coast liaison *

* When down as a candidate
So easy to pick *

* Hear his chat
Or I'm going to get sick *

* It's the wild, wild west
Up here in these streets *

* And I'm a cowboy pimp
When I get between the sheets *

* I got the sallies with the
Biggest heinies in my stable *

* I want to ride 'em, boy
But sometimes I'm not able *

* I kiss them on the neck
I kiss them on the mouth *

* I move downtown
Till I go-- *

Show's over.
That's it.

The show's over.

[ALL SHOUTING]

B-RAD:
See that?

I know how
to get the party started,

and I know
my pops was loving it.

No, it's a disaster.

No, I talked to The Times
and the Chronicle,

and they're going
to run it as a big joke.

Oh, thank God!

How in the hell
did this happen?

I have no idea.

I didn't even know
he was in town.

Oh, for God's sake. We can't
keep tabs on this kid?

Can anybody tell me
where this boy is?

Hey, yo, pops.

That was
off the hinges!

I just got you
another million votes

right there.

What you doing here, son?

Uh...

Um, well,

I knew
I had to show up

in order for you
to blow up,

so I called up
Captain Tony,

he fired up
the Lear jizzy...

and boo-yah!

I'm in the hizzy.

I'll be on
the campaign trizzy too,

24/7.

You know,
kissing babies and whatnot.

Pound it.

Yeah, all good.

Tom, you down,
you gots...

Okay, dude.

I'll let you all
do your campaign thing.

What up, bro.

Oh, Bill...

You need
to shut this down.

You need
to tell your son

that he cannot be
in your campaign, period.

Oh, no,
wait a minute.

I love his enthusiasm.

I mean,
it's a little misguided,

but...

I mean, isn't there
something he can do

for the campaign
where he can't hurt us?

No.

Uh, phones?

No, no, no. No.

No? Stuffing envelopes?

Making signs?

Signs.

In Bill Gluckman's
administration,

women are going
to have better health care.

Women are going
to have better daycare.

Yeah!
Yeah!

And women will have better jobs.

In fact, after today,
my campaign has a new slogan--

[AUDIENCE GASPING]

"Bill Gluckman is down

with the bitches
and the hos"?

It was supposed
to have read,

"Women are first
with Gluckman."

No, no. That's old school, Pops.

You need to keep
your pimp hand strong.

So, Bradley...

Yo, why you keep
calling me that?

Well, that's your name,
isn't it?

It's my slave name, a'ight?

I told you, like, 50 times.

Okay.

B-Rad.

What's up?

What are your goals, B-Rad?

What do you want out of life?

To be the biggest rapper
there ever was.

You see, doc,
I got something to say,

and I need the world to hear it.

I'm a lyrisologist.

Mm.

I can rap
about anything.

* Shrink-shrink
Blinkety-blink *

* Tryin' to make me think *

* Want to go to my sink *

* And vomit *

* Clean it up with Comet *

* Earth is my plah-net *

Mm-hmm.

See? I'm the shiznit.

I'll buy y'all cars.

I see.

When did you first
start feeling

like you were this...

shiznit?

Aw, dang. Way back in the day.

I had these beats in my head
since I was a little shorty.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

Whoo.

* To rock a rhyme *

* To rock a rhyme that's
Right on time, it's tricky *

B-RAD G: From then on,
it was hip-hop 24/7.

As I was growing up,

my parents and me
couldn't communicate,

because they were always
on different channels.

Finish those vegetables,
Bradley.

Mm. They smell good.

And you're not
going to be excused

until you do.

Forget y'all.

Oh, that's it,
mister--

* All across the land *

* There's no need to argue
Parents just don't understand *

What I'm sensing, B...Rad,

is that...

your parents
weren't always there for you.

Nope.

That's ridiculous.

Yeah. What about
your bar mitzvah?

Hey, Brad.

What's the theme
of your bar mitzvah?

Star Wars? Baseball?
Superheroes?

It's OPP, bitch.

What?

* You down with OPP? *
* Yeah, you know me *

* You down with OPP?
* Yeah, you know me *

* You down with OPP?
* Yeah, you know me *

* Who's down with OPP? *
* Every last homey *

* You down with OPP?
* Yeah, you know me *

Bess.

I think you want to share.

B-Rad,

you're a wonderful son.

It's just that...

Well...

Bess, Bess, let's not
beat around the bush.

Brad...

Honey, your behavior
has become

an embarrassment
to the family.

Don't be hating.

And I'm afraid

I can't have you
on the campaign anymore.

What?

That's how it is?

You done it now.

Y'all just opened up
a big can of tough love.

[DOOR SHUTS]

What can we do, doctor?

I don't know.

This is the most advanced case
of "gangsta-phrenia"

I've ever seen.

Three colors
for our country.

Where's the red?
Where's the red?

Hey, Bill!
Hey, Bill.

How'd it go with Dr. Feldman?

Oh, it went great.

He says if he sees Brad
five times a week

for the next
three or four years,

we should see
some real improvement.

But, sir, the election
is eight weeks away.

Right, good point.

Yeah, but it's okay,
it's okay,

because we've been brainstorming
some different approaches here,

and we might have
something pretty solid.

Well, I'm all ears.

Go.

Okay, uh, sir.

Brad acts ghetto, right?

But let's face it, he's never
been east of Beverly Hills.

But what if
we give him

a little dose
of reality?

Let him get
a firsthand look

at the ghetto.

You mean have Brad
actually go there?

Exactly.

Well, that-- See, now,
that sounds dangerous.

No. Perfectly safe.

Well, how's it work?

We hire actors
to play gangstas.

Right, they will carjack Brad,

and then they will take him
on a tour around the hood.

It'll give him a taste of what
the thug life is really like.

It might just scare the black
out of him.

Excuse me?

Ooh...

Hey,

don't you have
something to do?

Enough of the PC.

Fact is, unless
we do something now,

Brad is going to cost us
this election.

Who would play the gangsters?

Remember
the anti-crime spot

we shot a month ago?

We've got that cued up.

Yes, we do.
Over here, please.

CRIME SPOT NARRATOR:
For too long,

street violence
has torn Californians apart.

Bill Gluckman wants
to put our divisions behind us.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.

Instead of thinking about
what set you're from,

or what crew
you're rolling with,

why don't you both
be brothers?

What do you say?

Your hair looks great.

I ain't never thought of it
like that.

Shake hands.

You see?

California is my family.

[**]

If we all work together
as a family,

there's no telling
how high we can go.

See, that's beautiful.

These are the guys.

These are our two men
we're talking about.

All right,
hold the phone, buddy.

Let me
get this straight.

You want us
to take this kid

and scare him into acting like
a little white boy again?

Now, if you don't think
you can handle it--

Oh, of course
we can handle it.

I'm from Juilliard,
for chrissake.

I'm from
the Pasadena Playhouse.

Good.

I have some background
information

on our dear boy Brad.

Materials.

Mali-bootay?

Yes, he considers himself
a rapper of sorts.

Oh, frigging A.

Here's the story--

it is your basic kidnapping.

Now, by kidnapping,

you mean we
hold him for ransom?

Oh, good question.

Right.

Now, when you see him
start to get ghetto,

do his whole
black thing--

Yes. That.

I want it to piss you off.

Tour him
around the hood,

around the ghetto,
if you will, and...

show him what it's really like.

In the--
In the ghetto?

Na--

Pays 15 grand apiece, son.

BOTH: We're in.
Good.

Now, on
the flip side...

Flip it.

If you two screw up,
and a single hair is touched

on Bradley's
over-privileged head,

I will see to it personally

that you two
do some serious time.

Are we clear?

Oh, we are crys-tal.

I like that.

Yeah.

Oh, um,
Mr. Gibbons, um...

What about the money?

Ooh!

We have five upfront,

and 25
when you return him to us...

white.

Oh, as the driven snow.

Pleasure doing business
with you, gentlemen.

Oh, let me get that
for you, sir.

I'll call you.

Or better yet,
I'll holler.

We'll holler back.

Holler back,
player.

Thank you. All right.

Wow!

Congratulations, buddy.

We just booked
another gig.

Listen, not so fast,

this is dangerous stuff,
all right?

This is the ghetto.
We could get shot.

Oh, come on, man.

We can handle ourselves.

Right?

Hey, hey, hey.

This will be the ultimate
acting challenge.

You know what really
chaps my ass?

What?

After all of our years
of training and studying,

they continue to give us parts
that are gangbangers.

Just once,
I'd like to play a role--

someone who speaks
with proper grammar

and doesn't have to wear
those disgusting Timberlands

with the laces undone.

It's so sloppy.

Well, it beats getting dunked on
by Bill Gluckman.

Do we even know anybody
that lives in the ghetto?

My cousin.

Shondra.

Well, that's the stupidest thing
I ever heard.

I got better things
to do with my time.

Like what, Shondra?
Work at Wiener On A Bun?

Come on!

Really, Shondra, you're
always talking about

improving yourself.

Here's your chance.

I am improving myself, fool.

I broke up with no-good,
gangbanging Tec,

I'm going
to beauty school,

and then I'm gonna hook up
my own salon, so there.

How about hooking
a brother up

with some Pepsi
and some French fries?

Oh, shut up, stupid.

PJ...

What?

Shondra, you need
to do this.

You need to walk away from
this minimum-wage crap,

take these earnings

and start that beauty parlor
you were talking about.

What you paying?

Business.
We're in business.

A grand.

We're paying a grand.

Make it tres, and we on.

$3,000?

Or you can kiss my ass.

Deal.
Hey, hey!

Hey. Deal.
Now, what about those fries?

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Gladys?

Yeah, baby.

You ever feel like
you don't belong?

All the time.

Most folk
only feel comfortable

around folk that's
the same as them.

They get around folk
that's different,

ooh, get all
scared and angry,

want to keep them down.

What do you
do about it?

Nothing to do
but keep it real

and be proud
of who you are.

Gladys?

Mm-hmm?

When they gonna leave
our people alone?

I don't know, baby.

Mm... I just don't know.

Now, eat your greens
before they get cold.

"Whack--

"Weak, of poor quality. Bad."

Whack...

Your Aunt Lamont's hair
is whack.

Whack...

"Dis:
To disrespect, to embarrass."

Dis...

Oh, yeah.
Bring it on, baby.

We are strapped
now, brother!

Set these
bad boys down.

Aw-huh.

This is, uh, this is exactly
what we ordered, huh?

Oh, yeah, man.

They got the Glocks, man,
the Tec-9s, the Uzis, uh-huh.

Freeze, sucka!

That's convincing,
brother.

That's...

Look, they're fake.

Wow, what the hell
is that?

What's going on
with your hair?

Yeah, yeah, check it out,
man, my hair.

Shondra just
did it for me.

Yeah, I see.
I see that.

You hate it,
don't you?

No, I don't hate it.

It's just that I thought

my-- my character was
gonna have the cornrows,

and, uh...

That's all.

Oh, Okay,
I see what it is.

I see what it is.
You're just jealous,

You're just jealous,

because you didn't
think of it first, huh?

Frigging A, I'm not
jealous, all right.

I'm an actor,
and I would've--

You're fricking
whack, and...

don't dis me!

Got the gangster gear, my dog.

Okay, cool.

[LAUGHING]

What is so funny?

The wig!

I didn't know
it was Halloween!

Hey, hey,
while you're out,

could you bring me
back some candy?

Whatever, dude.

Give me your ride, punk,
or I will dust your ass.

Nope. Not convincing.

Damn it!

Find your core
character, Sean.

You are an oppressed
black man...

from the ghetto.

Yeah, I'm having trouble
finding this one, man.

Hey... Think Tupac.

All right, let me try it again.

I see it.

Action!

Give me your ride, punk,
or I will dust your ass!

Add a beyotch,
and I think you got it!

Give me your ride, punk, or
I will dust your ass, beyotch!

Beyotch!
Beyotch!

Click it!

Turn around
and do it again!

Beyotch!

Yes!

[**]

* Do it, yeah *

* Well, I was chillin'
In the hood not much to do *

* And I got to fly by
Get a shot or two *

* So my homey call me up
From Malibu *

* And say yo
Hi-C, can I run wit' you *

* I had to slow him down
It was movin' too fast... *

[**]

* Hey, yo,
My name is B-Rad *

* And I be Van Winkle *

* I like my latte non-fat *

* Don't forget
My sprink-- sprinkle *

Jah, ma house!

Boo-yah!

We bad!

I take my money.

I take my money,
and I'm gonna--

Yo, fool.

What, knuckle, what?

Damn!

* Hangin' and bangin' *

* And jammin' to the music *

* And just when it hit me *

* Somebody turned around
And shouted *

* Play that funky music
White boy *

* Play that funky music right *

* Play that funky music
White boy *

* Lay down the boogie *

* And play that funky music
Till you die *

* Till you die *

* Oh, till you die *

* Hey, hey *

Ooh.

Play that.

Yeah, girl.

Word.

Can I help you?

Coffee?

Black.

Okay.

Hey, yo, Krista
the Barista,

put it on my account...

and throw in a white chip

maca-dizz-ay-mian-mizza
cookie, too.

Cool, player.

What's your name?

B-Rad.

I'm Shondra.

I ain't seen you
around here before.

Where you reside?

Compton. You?

The streets.

Which streets?

Malibu.

Right.

Right, I guess
it's pretty hardcore

up in here, huh?

Represent!

Ooh.

Ooh, was that you
dropping rhymes

when I came in here earlier?

Oh, you heard me?

Hell, yeah.

I'm a rhymer on time.

Peek my style out.

Ooh, let me find out.

Mali-bootay?

Looks phat. What label you at?

Oh, right now it's just a demo.

I sent it to Dre,
but he ain't got back to me yet.

That sound like Dre-Dre.

You know what?

I'll holler at him about it,

a'ight, boo?

A'ight.

Hold up!

You know Dre?

Hell, yeah,
I know Dre.

I see him at the swap meet
every Sunday.

For rizzeal?

For rizzeal.

Yo, holler at him for me.

I don't know.

You know,
he kind of private.

Please?

Mm, you do
got it going on

a little something-
something, though.

I was actually
on my way to go see him.

You wanna roll with me?

Right now?

I'm just trying
to help a brother out.

Let's bounce.

A'ight.

Ooh, I gotta use
the ladies' room,

so just wait one minute,
a'ight, pimp juice?

[**]

CELL PHONE RINGING]

Um, hello?

It's on.
Beach boy's on the move.

Okay.

So, what you
rap about, anyway?

I can rap
about anything.

For real?

Yeah.

Let me kick it
freestyle for you.

* Hey, yo, traffic, traffic *

* Lookin' for my Chap Stick *

* Feelin' kinda carsick *

* There's a Ford Maverick *

See, that's
a million-dollar song

right there.

Mm-hmm.

So how'd you get to be so down?

Shoot, girl.

I been down with
the briz-zown

all my life.

And I must say,

of all the mommies
that I been with...

you the finest.

I'm sure.

So, uh... You got a man?

I did, but I just
got rid of his trifling ass.

I ain't nobody's
gangster hoochie.

I'm a entrepreneur.

Word up!

One day I'm gonna have me
a chain of beauty salons,

all up in the 90210.

I'm a make mad money

turning all those little
rich hoochies ghetto fabulous.

Damn!

You fine and smart too?

You gonna blow up huge,
no doubt.

Thank you.

Oh, for real.

You like a cross between
Martha Stewart and Oprah.

I'm gonna call you Moethrah.

What?

Moethrah.

Ooh, take this exit.

Brace yourself, fool!

Give me your ride,

or I'm a dust
your ass, beyotch!

What?

You fitting to get
jacked, fool?

Shondra?

Shut up, fool.
Is this a come-up?

Hell no, it's a stick-up.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

You about to get
one of us

if you don't get
in the back seat, fool!

Does this mean
we ain't going to Dre's?

Fool, this
a kidnapping!

Get your ass in the car.

Dre?

What the hell
he talking about?

Yo, punch it, fool!
Punch it!

Punch it!
Kidnapped?

Yeah, fool.

We got your rich
Gluckman ass now, punk.

How y'all know me?

We seent you.

We seent your white behind
on the TV.

B-Rad. Yeah.

Your poppa's gonna pay,

or you gonna pay.

Punch it, fool.

We got us
a white boy now.

How much you think
we can get

for this punk,
anyway?

It's all about
the Benjamins, baby.

Yeah.

WOMAN: Don't you
talk about my mama.

I'll talk about your
mama all I want.

Hell, no!
Your mama so fat...

she got every caterer
on speed dial!

What?
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Your mama's so fat,

that she uses Mexico,
the whole country,

as her tanning bed.

Your mama so ugly,

Jose Eber won't even
do her hair!

Yeah, your mama's so ugly,
she's only been married once!

Whoo!

Your mama's so poor,
for Halloween,

her trick was the treat!

Your mama's so poor
that your tits are real!

Oh, no!

Yes! Yes!

I'm going, I'm going.
I gotta wait for the lady.

Come on, punk.

Get in the house,
fool.

Dang, why you doing
this to a brother?

What?

Did he just
say "brother"?

No, he didn't.

Whose brother?

Yours, y'all! I'm down.

Damn! Damn!

You done
did it now.

You ain't black,

and you can never
be black,

and your
perpetrating ass

is taking the only thing
that I got left.

My culture.

Yeah, fool!

What make you think you know
what goes down up in the hood?

B.E.T.

What?

You think this a joke, wigga?

You think this a joke?

I'm sorry, y'all.
Don't be hating.

This ain't a game!

You a long way
from the beach now, punk!

We in South Central.

This the hood.

This the ghetto,
the projects.

We run hardcore
up in here.

People get killed here
every day.

Yeah, yeah.

LITTLE GIRL: Hey, Shondra,
can you come by later?

Princess
just had puppies.

Okay, Sandy. Bye.

Pit bull puppies, fool.

And they mean too.

Don't look at me.

Come on!

Get your narrow
bootie up in there.

Get him up in there!

Now, fool, put your hands
behind your back.

Behind the back.

Put your hands
behind your back.

You know what I'm
about to do now?

I'm about
to call your daddy.

Ooh, we gonna
call your daddy.

You better hope
your daddy home, too,

because if he ain't,

you gonna be
one dusted trick.

Now, get your ass
on the bed, whitey!

Did you buy my rage?

No. You're indicating.

Indicating?

Yes, indicating.

Excuse me? I have never
indicated in my life.

Would you two fools
just shut the hell up?

She's right. Shut up.

Thank you, Shondra.

Whatever.

All right, Shondra,
put this down.

You're on.

Go, girlfriend.
Do your thing.

Oh, give me this.

Hey, Shondra.

If you have to...

show a little ass.

Oh, shut up.

You all right in here?

Oh, yeah.

I just been kidnapped,
carjacked,

and hands tied behind my back,

but other than that,
it's all good.

Look, I'm sorry
about all that.

That wasn't
really my idea.

I thought you liked me.

I do!

Then how come
you set me up?

I had to.

They threatened to kill me
if I didn't play along.

For real?

Yeah.

They straight-up killers
out there.

For real?

Mm-hmm.

Let me school you on something.

Help us both stay alive.
a'ight?

Okay.

The one thing
that they hate

more than anything that really
really makes them crazy...

is posers.

Me too, girl.
I feel you.

I'm talking about you.

Me? I ain't a poser. Shoot.

I got a Ph.D.,
a Poser-Hater Degree.

Come on, quit frontin'.

I ain't frontin'.

Dis is my sizzal,
for rizzal, my nizzal.

Stop it!

You stop it
right now,

and you listen to me.

If you just be yourself,
a nice little white boy,

I think I can convince them
to let you go.

But I'm being myself.

I ams who I says I ams.

Damn!

Why won't anybody believe me?

[DOOR SLAMS]

Well?

Maybe you should
show him your ass.

Huh...

I thought that would
have worked.

Weird.

All right,
what's next?

How about number three?
Number three, perfect.

All right, we're
going to take it

to an entirely
different level.

Okay.

I got it.
What?

I'm going to walk in there
and I'm going to be crazy.

I'm going to be
ghetto-fied, buck wild.

You tell me,

"Stick to the plan, man.
Stick to the plan." Got it?

Wake up, snowflake!

Yeah! We put a call
in to your dad!

What'd he say?

He said he'd
think about it.

Huh?

Seems as if he don't
want your ass home.

I can't say
that I blame him.

Oh, hell, no.

Not that.
Not the knife, dog.

Now, come on.

What you doing, dog?

I'm a teach this little
white girl a lesson!

Oh, come on, Bloodbath,
we said we was going

to stick to the plan, man.

Yeah, Bloodbath,
stick with the plan.

Tree, the plan
done changed!

What?
Wannabe say he down.

I'm a show him just how
un-down he is!

I gotta cut him!

No, you can't cut him.
Oh, Tree, I gotta cut him.

Bloodbath, don't cut him.
We can't get our money!

I thought you said
to cut him!

Okay, just the white meat.

Move!

Let me cut him!

Don't kill him, though,
Bloodbath!

[**]

* Money
Yes, honey *

* Long as you keep it comin' *

* I'm a have to be runnin' *

* Cause I ain't
Gonna be in here... *

All right,
now, Malibu.

I want you to
go up in there.

You go get me
six 40s of O.E.

And a fifth
of Henny.

Yeah.

Yeah.
Anything else, dog?

Oh, no, player,
I'm cool.

Right on. Right on.

I'd like some Pringles.

This ain't no
picnic, bitch!

I'm sorry.

Y'all got some ducats?
Because since you stole my--

Man!

You 'bout to
go up in there

and give them
Koreans your ends?

Hell, no!

You jack that shit, fool!

And if the Asiatic
give you any static,

hit the fool
with this right here.

Look. Look at
the little buster.

Little busta.
Can't even swing a gat.

Shoot.

But--

Ba-da-da-da!

You use that or I'm a
use it on you, fool.

Okay.

And if you try to get away?
I'm gonna let you taste

a little piece of my blue steel.
You feel me?

Okay. A'ight.
Go on, get out!

Okay.

BOTH:
Go!

Hey, white boy.

"This ain't no picnic,
bitch?" Oh, wow!

Thank you. I loved
the blue steel line.

Convincing.

Hola.

[MUTTERS]

I really can't
believe that.

Those improv classes
are really paying off.

Oh, they really
are, man.

When you said, "This is
no picnic, bitch,"

I screamed
on the inside like one.

For real?
Yes, I said, "Oh!"

Ooh, I'm thirsty,
I gotta tell you.

And, boy, do I love
Olde English.

It really helps
quench my thirst.

Can I help you?

No, I'm gonna help myself
to this O.E.

and anything else I want
up in here, bitch!

Can I help you?

Uh...

y'all never been robbed?

Sure. Last week we're 54 time.

But they were cool.

No gun to head,
never scream.

You know, good people.

Cool.

So, dude,

how much did you
pay the guy?

What are you
talking about?

You know, when you set
this whole thing up yesterday.

I thought you set it up.

You mean...

Dude, the owner doesn't
know this is fake?

$16.47.

Uh-huh.

PJ, go in there
and save him.

He could get shot!

I'm not going to go in.
You go in there.

His frigging life
is at stake!

My emergency stash.

I'm glad you got cash,

because if you had tried
to jack me, fool,

I was going to have to
lay you out with this.

And with this.

And with that.

Uh, keep the change.

Just do me this one
favor, please.

You are the driver.
I am the shooter!

I'm scared of Koreans!
You?

Thank you. Bye bye.

Thank you very much.
Come again!

What I'm about to do right now,

I know it sounds whack,
but it's just a joke, okay?

So please don't shoot me.

Yeah, that's right, fool!

Next time I'll bust a cap
in your punk ass, bitch!

Yeah, you lucky
I don't burn you down!

Hell, yeah!
Hell, yeah!

What the hell is
wrong with you?

What, you
actually did it?

Let's roll.

You did it?

Hell, yeah.
He didn't do nothing.

Straight-up trick.

What's up
with this, huh?

If you jacked it,

how come you got
a receipt?

I stole that too.

What's on tap
for tomorrow?

Well, we have the 11:00
with Greenpeace,

then drinks later with
the offshore oil lobby.

How's the Brad project going?

Smooth.
He's in South Central.

God, is he okay?

Oh, he's in excellent hands.

A'ight. I'm sick of playing
game with you, snowflake.

A'ight, now,
I'm a give you five seconds

for you to be real,

or I'm a beat that ass
to the curb!

What you mean be real?

You know what I mean.
Be white!

Five.

Don't do it,
Bloodbath!

Four.
Don't do it, Bloodbath!

Three, two.

He gonna do it,
white boy!

Kill him! Kill him!

Okay, all right!

Okay, fellas, look,
I'm really sorry, okay?

I don't mean
to offend you, you know.

I don't mean to front
or act like a thug.

I'm sorry.

You buying that?

I don't know.
I can't tell.

Mm-hmm. Me neither.

Let's give him
the test.

How you doing,
white boy?

You cool?

Great. Fine.

Terrific popcorn.

Run, bitch, run!

He gonna kill you!

Sit down.

I ain't lying. I ain't lying.

I'm sorry, y'all,
but this is who I am.

I'm just a rapper, straight up.

BOTH:
Wigga, please!

No, for real.
I can rap about anything.

You think
you got skills?

A'ight. We gonna
see about that.

Oh, hell, yeah.

* Bloodbath and Tree *

* They be beatin' on me *

* But if they listen
To my song *

* Then we'd all get along *

* I may be Jewish
But I got a nice schlong *

Hey, man. Hey.

I had it up to here
with you, man.

You better check yourself before
you riggity-wreck yourself.

This ain't Malibu.
Represent.

Oh, yeah. We gonna see
what you represent now, fool.

We at the club.

Snoop, Dre, Cube,
all them.

They came in
through here.

Yeah, you got something
to prove to yourself?

Do it in there.

Get in there, fool.
Go on up in there.

Think this is gonna
do it, dude.

Oh, we're about
to get paid.

[**]

What's cracking?

Hey, dog!

Yeah, how you
feeling now, Malibu?

Like I'm home.

Get your ass in there
then, fool. Go!

Come on. Let me get
through here, man.

Yo.

Man, I told you I didn't have--

What's happening?

Yeah, yeah, look,
our homey--

You wanna get
a young Dre next, man?

Hell, no. You hear
what he's saying?

Meet my boy,
Ben Franklin. Ta-dah!

What's his name?

B-Rad from
Malibu, player.

B-Rad from Malibu?
You trying to get me shot?

Hey, you met Ben Franklin's
twin brother? Ta-dah!

A bill.

All right, we gonna
bring him up, man.

Y'all go back there
and play with each other,

and come back
in about five more minutes.

Y'all got some
Will Smith back there?

"Get Jiggy With It"!

Hey, miss.
Where you been?

Ooh, Shondra!

I been busy, Tec.

You been getting busy?

None of your damn business.

Okay, okay, I'm cool.
I understand.

Just tell me who it is.

All you need to know is that
it ain't your black ass.

See, this is that shit, Shondra.

You thinking
you're better than me.

All you is is a chickenhead,

and that's all you ever
gonna be.

Shondra?

Hey, girl.

What's up?

You all right?

Oh yeah, I'm fine,
but you the finest.

She the truth
too, dude.

I'm telling you, once
Moethrah gets set up, boy...

You hitting this?
No.

Now, let me go.

Hey, dude,

didn't your mama
ever tell you

how to treat a lady?

That's not nice.

Oh, so you know
my moms?

No, but she wouldn't
appreciate you

grabbing a woman
like that.

No, you right, what would
your mom prefer?

Just talk to them
and be nice to them.

Can I tell you
what my mom would do?

My mom would tell you to mind
your own damn business,

white boy!

Tec, don't!

Don't be hating.

Tec, don't! Stop it!

Y'all gonna be
real sorry,

the both of you.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Who was that?

Old history.

You know what? Come on.

He strong.

[RAPPING]

Excuse me.

Where we going?

Just shut up.

Move, please?

You gotta get
out of here.

You letting me go?

I'm not having your
blood on my hands.

Now, look, it's the red Honda
by the door. Just go.

DEEJAY: All the way
from Malibu, B-Rad.

Give it up
for B-Rad.

Straight out of Malibu.
B-Rad, come on up. B-Rad

Go!

I can't.

Why?

Shondra...

anybody can rap
at the Malibu County Fair.

This is my chance,

my one shot.

I gotta prove myself.

This is gonna be
like an episode of Oz.

Um, yeah, excuse me.

Yeah, I'm just gonna go
on stage, do my rhyme thing.

Um... Yeah. They kind of
pack them in tight, here, huh?

Hey, get up there.
Do your thing.

Yeah, get up
there, fool.

Oh, hell, no.
No, hell, no.

Uh-uh. Him?

No! Hell, no.

Do y'all have a locker?

Man, come on.
You a rapper?

Yeah, straight up.

I didn't know Dairy Queen
had a rap label.

B-RAD: Hey, I may be white,
but my rhymes is tight.

I'm down, y'all.

No, you ain't
down, homey.

I ain't battling no bitch,
homey, first of all.

Ooh... I know you heard that.

Yo, can I serve this fool
right quick?

Hey, man. Serve him, dog.

[BARKING]

Let's set it off.

What's it gonna be, Saltine?
Heads or tail?

Tiz-ziz-ails!

What?

Tails.
Uh, I'd like tails, please.

What's it gonna be?
First or second?

Hey, ladies first.

Ooh!

Y'all cut it out.

Serve him Hi-C.

Man, check this out.
I got something for his ass.

Do this for me.
Let me hear. Yeah.

Say, "Whoop whoop."

Whoop whoop!

* Say, "Whoop whoop" *

Whoop whoop!

* Whoo-whoop-whoo-whoop-whoop *

Whoo-whoop-whoo-whoop-whoop!

* Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa *

Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa!

* So your mama got drunk
And fell asleep in the zoo *

* With a zebra and a monkey
And came up with you *

* When the doctor said push
She released her pelvis *

* Oh, shit, now I'm battling
The hip-hop Elvis *

* I have to spit flame
And destroy your name *

* I really don't dig
This rappin' John Wayne *

* Say y'all
His little wienie's so small *

* When he go to take a leak
I bet he piss on his balls *

[LAUGHTER]

Y'all, give it up
for Hi-C!

Hi-C in the house!

Big Steel serving, baby,

serving heavy
his style.

Man, I ain't gonna
battle this little punk.

Let's see what you got.

* Yeah *

* When I say, "Mali"
You say, "bu" *

* Mali *

Boo!

Okay, feeling the love.

* Yeah, uh, uh *

* Yeah, uh, uh *

Here we go, dog!

One, two, three,
four, flow!

* What, what
Hey, yo, I may be white *

* But inside
My soul is black as night *

* And I don't wanna fight *

* A'ight
I'd rather go fly a kite *

* Or go on a low-carb diet *

* That means no more pasta *

* Y'all rappers is too slow
And I'm kinda faster *

* Hey, young Dre
You got cornrows in your hair *

* You got cornrows down there *

* I got a watch *

* It's a Swee-atch *

* And when my mother
Does my clothes *

* To get them clean
She uses ble-ach *

* Yeah *

* I'm sorry, y'all, but
I'm feelin' straight, figure *

* To boost up the boy *

* Hardcore nigga *

[NEEDLE SCRATCHES OFF RECORD]

[GASP]

[GLASS BREAKING]

I'm sorry.

[BOOING AND SHOUTING]

It's Black History Month.
You out of your rabbit-ass mind?

What is this?

Is this some sort of
rap initiation?

This is not how they do it
on American Idol.

Come on.

Don't be hating.

Yo, yo, yo, all y'all
rappers out there!

My name is
Brad Gluckman,

and when I'm
on the mic,

you can really
say I suck, man!

All right,
look, y'all.

Y'all had y'all laugh.
Just chill out.

Yeah, because B-Rad G's
about to get ill--

Yo, yo, yo,

I ain't laughed that hard
in a long, long time.

For real.

Hey, hey,
hey, yo, player.

Your pops called, and
you know what he said?

He said
he ain't paying.

Yeah, I guess
he just wants you

to stay in the hood
with the brothers.

You know, since you
so down and all.

So I guess that mean

we just gonna have
to smoke your punk ass.

What you think
about that?

I don't care no more.

I got nothing to live for.

Go ahead, smoke me.

Dude...

You believe what
they put on stage?

That's right.
You getting played, homey.

Straight out, dog.

Excuse me?

That's right.
I said you getting played, dog.

Little white boy up there
hitting your lady.

You know, she digging it,
she loving what's going on,

and this and that, right.

You know
what I was kind of thinking?

I was thinking
maybe I'd go next.

You want next?

Let a homeboy
get some action,

you know what I mean--

Hey, homes! What's up?

Not here, Tec.

What you wanna do?

I wanna bag me a white boy,
that's what I wanna do.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, you okay?

You know,
it's not as bad as it seems.

It's worse.

Everybody's right.

My rhymes is weak.

You just--
you need a little work.

I should've run

when you gave me
the chance.

No, you were right.

I respect you
for getting up there.

You got mad heart.

But you heard them
laughing.

I ain't nothing
but a busta.

They just don't
understand you.

None of them know

how hardcore it is
up in Malibu.

Yeah?

Yeah.

With the... the...
the traffic, and...

and the sharks.

Y'all got sharks.

And when the public be all up
on your private beach?

Right. Right.

You just gotta stick with it
and be yourself.

Don't let anybody
tell you who you are.

You all right, B-Rad.

Hey, Shondra?

You know when I was
saying earlier,

in the car,

about being
a player and all?

I was just fooling.

I ain't never been with a real
black girl before.

For real?

Well, except on the Internet.

You the finest girl
I ever seen in my whole life.

And I was wondering...

since they're gonna ice me
in the morning...

Could I, like, kind of, maybe...

hopefully...

kiss you?

You're so pretty.

Thank you.

Oh, you real pretty.

* Oh, so horny
Oh, so horny *

* Oh so horny-- *

Damn, fool!

I said kiss!

I offered you a snack,
not the whole kitchen!

* Oh, so horny... *

My bad.
It's my bad.

My bad.

* ...Shine on me
Shine on me *

Oh, hell, no!
Hell, no!

Get your ass up.

Get your big ass up.

Move!

All right, that's it.

This game is whack.

I want my money,
and then y'all can get out.

Hey, Shondra,
but we're not done yet.

And you ain't never
gonna be done.

Did it ever occur
to you two clowns

that this might be the way
he really is?

BOTH:
No.

Whatever.
Look, I did what you asked.

I want my money.

Shondra,
you fail to realize

that putting together
this entire operation

has been quite
expensive.

Bling, bling!

Excuse me?

I might not have
all the money right now.

Are you playing me? Huh?

Ow.

Y'all better get my money,

or I'm going in there,
and I'm a tell him what's up.

A'ight?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Psst.

Hey, dog.

Huh?

Down here, dog.

Stuart Little?

Negro, please.

That little white rat
ain't got nothing on me.

Yo, I'm Ronny Rizat,
represizzat.

Oh. Hey, Ronny.

Why you down, dog?

I'm a failure.

No, it ain't like that, fool.

You need to stop listening
to all them perpetrators

and just be yourself.

For real?

For rizzeal. Pound it.

Hold up.

You saying,
if I put my mind to it,

I can be whatever I wanna be?

Damn straight.

That if I follow my dreams
I can achieve true happiness?

Word.

And if I work hard,

I can be the biggest rapper
there ever was?

Rapper?
Hell, no. You stink.

Don't be hating.

I'd rather eat garbage

than listen to your
tired-ass rhymes.

But--
Now, look here, man.

I'm up out of here.
I gotta go see my lady.

She's a breeder
rat at PetCo.

And please believe it,

it's all gonna work out
for the best.

[TRAP SNAPS SHUT]

Oh, shiznit!

Oh, he totally
bought it.

The carjack going
into the kidnapping.

And we staged a beautiful
liquor store robbery.

You should have
been there.

Unfortunately, he still
seems to be posing,

so we've taken it
upon ourselves

to plan a drive-by
shooting next.

Mr. Gluckman
will be very happy.

Now, it's gonna take
a little bit more money

than we originally projected,
so that's why we were wondering

if you could give us
an advance--

No, no, no,
no, no.

No, you'll get
the rest of your money

when Richie Cunningham
comes walking through my door

and not a second sooner.
Understood?

Right. I do under--

Good.

[DIAL TONE]

Mister--

Mr. Gibbons?
Hello?

Damn!

They been playing me all along!

I knew my rhymes was dope!

I knew the hood
couldn't be this bad.

How could they do that?

How could she do that?

All right.

The damn fools wanna play?

Then let's play!

What the hell?

Hey!

What the hell you doing?
Listen up!

B-Rad G's in the hizzy.

And things are gonna start
changing around here for shizzy.

Do something.

All right, you better
shut your mouth, fool.

Get back in that room
before I beat your ass.

You feeling froggie?
Then leap.

Anybody else wanna step?

Uh... No.

What the hell got into you?

Shut up, ho!

Ooh.

Ho?

Who you calling a ho,
ho?

You, ho.

The same ho that gave up
that weak-ass kiss

five minutes ago
in the bedroom.

Really?
Shondra.

I told you she liked white boys.

Who do you think
you are?

Oh, I'm B-Rad G
from 'Bu.

Represent.

And what y'all
didn't realize is,

I was trying to put
my mobbing days behind me.

But rolling with y'all
done re-awoke my inner killer.

So let's start dropping bodies!

Don't stand there.
Come on, girl, help us.

Uh-uh. You created that monster.
You deal with it!

Hey, man.

Hey, where you
going, man?

Where you going?

I need to take a drive.

What you mean? Where
you fixing to drive to?

Oh, I think today's a good day
to die, don't you think?

* Yeah, ye-eah *

Hey, hey, hey.

Why you talking
crazy, man?

Just be cool. Hey.

I might as well go out
in a blaze of glory.

My daddy
don't love me,

my rhymes is played out,

I ain't down enough
for y'all.

No, no, you're down.
You're down.

Isn't he down, PJ?

Ow! Tree, ain't he down?
Yeah, Bloodbath, he down.

He down as they
come, fool--

Oh, my God! Oh!
A jack!

It's a jack! A jack!

Get out the car,
white boy!

Oh, you that weak fuck
from the club.

Get your behind
out the car, man.

Got something for me?

Hell, yeah,
I got something for you.

You ready to die?

Well, ain't that a co-inky-dink.

I was just talking
to my two homeys

about just that.

Shut up and move.
Move him!

Y'all should change up
your style,

because this jackings
is getting tired.

Hey, yo, Bloodbath,

if there's one scratch
on my ride,

I'm gonna eat your children!

Shotgun.

Hey, yo, Deuce, shut him up.
Oh, Jesus.

Hey, yo, 8-Ball,

what should we do with
Bloodbath and his friend?

Uh, nothing.

I said shotgun.
Know what shotgun means?

Shotgun means
I ride in the front seat.

You better hope I don't
piss in your trunk.

Shut up.

Allow me to clear this up
for you, my dogs.

My name isn't Bloodbath,
it's Sean James,

and I'm just an actor--

Well, Sean James. Is Shondra
hitting that white boy?

I don't think anyone's
hitting anybody, actually.

She's just in on this scam
that we have going.

Scams?
What you talking about, scams?

Well...

Uh, hey, player,
we were just hired

to kidnap Bill Gluckman's
son, man.

That's all
we was doing.

Gluckman? Is that that dude
running for governor?

You know him?

Hell, yeah.

Down with the bitches and hos.

I'm a vote for him.

What, you think
we ignorant

just 'cause we live
in the hood?

I didn't say that.
Huh?

Hey, man, we would never
say that, brother--

Silence!

Yo, we got
Gluckman's son.

Gotta be worth more alive
than dead. What you think?

Gotta be.

Grab fat-back. I got Milk Dud.

Let's roll.

I'm soft.

All of the polls say

that since Brad has been
out of the picture,

we have gone up
six points.

Yeah, but we're still dead
in the urban demos, though.

There's no way we can
win without them.

[INTERCOM BEEPS]

Mr. Gibbons?
Yeah.

I have a Sean on
the phone for you, sir.

Check it out, homes.

Is that him ése
or what?

Yeah, that's Tec, homes.

Call Psycho.

Tell him to bring it all down.

We're gonna have ourself
a little party tonight, homey.

Mr. Gibbons, we have a real
serious problem here.

I told you no more money.

Yes, I realize you said that,
but this is--

We're in really big troub--

Listen, fool.

Gluckman's boy's been
kidnapped for real,

along with your
punk-ass friends.

Kidnapped?

If Mr. Governor wants to see
his punk bitch baby boy

alive again...

I want 500 grand
by tomorrow midnight.

Um, well,
how do I know this is real?

What, you think your
actors is this good?

Say something.

Please help us.

I am...

so...

scared!

Please help us.

Well?

Okay, I'm convinced.

Well, get my money.

Fine.
I can arrange that, but--

You got 10 minutes.

Now what?

We wait.

What?

They want 500 grand,
or they'll kill him.

You've got to
be kidding me.

Oh, come on! Oh, no!

Oh, my God.

We're going to jail.

Wait. Whoa. Slow down.
Don't panic.

It was your idea!

That was idiotic!

Don't panic. Just...
Let me think this through here.

You're just as guilty
as any of us.

Well...
Now, we may just have

a very interesting
opportunity here.

Where are you going with this?

Well, the negatives are obvious.

Yeah!

Bill drops out of the race,
emotional distress.

I can handle Bill.

What are the positives?

Well, there are
just so many.

No more Brad problem.

Uh-huh.

Right.
Right, I like that.

Well,
with a dead son,

the sympathy factor could
give us a huge spike

in the female
and gay demos.

Wait, I've got
the image:

Bill, weeping
over Brad's open casket.

Then after grieving,
he goes on the offensive.

Bill Gluckman's war on crime!
On drugs!
Gangs.

It's what's hot right now!

Ooh, that's great!

It's just what
we needed!

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Get over there.

Who this?

No deal.

Say what?

Bill Gluckman does not
make deals with criminals.

That's it.
His punk ass is dead.

Well, you do
what you have to do,

and we'll do what we have to do.

There you go.

That was cold.

Yo, take off the tape.

Goddamn, that hurts
like a motherfrick!

I'm a get out of this.

I'm gonna have to teach you all
some manners!

Yeah, well,
your daddy ain't paying.

Yeah, yeah.
Tell me something I don't know.

What?

You heard me,

you half-stepping,
moist-ass bitch!

Excuse me?

Oh, you gonna do it like that?

All right, then. Bring it.

It's been brought.

Okay, then.
That gat's real, right?

So then do it.

Put crackerjack
out of his misery.

Come on, y'all.
I'll do it myself.

Get him!

Come on.
Pull the trigger.

This fool is straight up crazy,

and I cannot deal
with this shit.

[GUNSHOTS]

That's nice. Yeah, this is good.

Get your ass
down, fool!

Y'all take this seriously, huh?

I love you, Sean.

I love you too.

Lay down some cover,
fool!

We can't!
They too strapped!

"We can't!
They too strapped!"

What we gonna do?

"What we gonna do?"

Punks. Give me them gats.
Y'all are serious crazy.

Y'all wanna play?

Well, then let's play.

Y'all know
who you dealing with?

I'm Malibu's most wanted, y'all!

King Kong
ain't got nothing on me!

[SCREAMING]

Damn. These special effects
is the bomb.

[SCREAMING]

Let's go! Let's dip! Let's go!

It's safe now, y'all.

Hey, yo, that was ill.

And y'all punk asses
ain't do nothing.

All that buffness
for no reason.

That's him.

Get over here.

Hey, where you learn that from?

Grand Theft Auto III.

Word? Can I borrow that?

You got a PlayStation 2?

No, I got GameCast.

GameCast? Well, there's GameCube
and Dreamcast. Which you got?

I said I got GameCast, man!
Damn, I can't afford it.

My bad. I'm just trying
to help you out.

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

I'm gonna
holler at you.

My wigga, my wigga.

What's up, baby?
How you doing, man?

I got something
for you.

That's yours, B.

Oh, for real?

Yeah.

Yo, you shouldn't have.

Serious moment. Bring it in,
y'all, serious moment.

Welcome to
the Nines, baby.

Only way out now...
is in a box.

In a box?

In a box.

Oh, in a box.

Right.

Good evening. I'm Hal Fishman.

We open tonight with
a Channel 5 News exclusive.

A security camera captured
incredible footage

of gang violence tonight

as it flared on the streets
of South Central.

This hardcore gangster,

believed to be
the notorious White Kong,

ringleader of a South Central
street gang,

fired his weapons
with wanton disregard

for human life
or personal property.

If you have any information

on the whereabouts
of this man,

call our KTLA hotline
at 800-1-SNITCH.

ALL: Oh my God!

Yo, that is some
hardcore shnizitz.

Damn, Moch,
what are we gonna do?

A'ight.

We're gonna bounce back
to our respective cribs,

jack our mom and dad's
biggest gats,

jet down to South Central

and save his ass!

Word.

Hey, hey,

Bradley's been involved
in a gang shooting.

What?

No, no, no,
it couldn't be.

No.

Yeah.
His face is all over the news.

I think I know my own son.

All right, well, I'm sure
there's a logical explanation.

Why don't you go on
upstairs, get some sleep,

let me take care of it?
Sleep? No. No.

He's shooting the hell out
of South Central. Come on, Tom.

Let's go get him--
No! No, no, Bill.

You have a debate
tomorrow in Sacramento.

The hell with the debate.

Hey, hey.

You cancel that, and you can
kiss this campaign goodbye.

Tom, you can shove the debate
up your ass.

I'm not going to lose my son
over this election.

Hey, listen, Bill,
I understand you're upset,

but for once in your life
will you think outside the box?

For once!

Now, this whole thing,

this whole Brad thing
with the gangs,

we can spin it
and make it into a positive.

Positive?

Yes, if he's arrested
or if he's injured,

we can turn it
so you're the victim.

"Crime reaches everyone"
kind of thing.

Are you trying to get
votes out of this?

I'm trying to win, Bill,
and you don't seem to care!

I'm his father!

Since when?

Since right now.

And you're fired.

We need to brainstorm
on how I get my job back.

Hello. This is OnStar.

I'm looking for a location

of the license number
D...SHIZNIT.

That vehicle
is at the corner

of McKinley
and 82nd Street, sir.

What the hell are you
supposed to be, Robo-bitch?

All right Monster,
what are you packing?

This.

What the hell is that?

My pop's spear gat...
from the yacht.

What is he hunting,

Flipper?

Think you so bad.

Well, what you got?

Never mind.

Come on,
let's see it.

All right, chill.
Chill.

Is that a freaking musket?

Yeah, it's a freaking musket.

Shut up!
Shut up, you damn posers!

Hadji,
how about you?

I couldn't get much, yo.

Just this.

Oh, my God.

Damn! Where'd you get all that?

Christmas present
from Uncle Ahmet.

OPERATOR: Mercedes Benz.
May I help you?

Hell, yes, chickenhead!

I need a location on
license plate number D-SHIZNIT.

That car is on the corner
of McKinley and 82nd Street.

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

Where's he going?

Are they making
a sandwich?

He's the mayonnaise
between the wheat bread.

Where's B-Rad at?

I... I haven't seen a thing.
I haven't seen him.

Shondra? Shondra?
A little help, please?

Sit your
monkey-ass down.

Don't move.

What you know
about this?

What you know
about that?

You want
some of this?

Oh, yeah, he does.

Get it, girl.

You know what?

You know, I just
tested positive...

for G-A-M-E.

All right, gangsta.

Come on, girl.
Let's do this.

Okay. We gonna
show you something.

Wait till you see
what we're gonna do.

Okay. Ooh. I ain't...

I wanna learn.

I wanna learn.

I like that.

I'm ready for
the chocolate love.

Shondra?

Yeah, it's Shondra,

but I guess I wasn't
good enough for you, huh?

What?

You had to creep
up in the hood and get two more.

Oh, no. She didn't.

Yes, she did.

This no-good, deadbeat,
weak-ass white boy

won't take care
of little Malik.

Malik?

Mm-hm.
Or Taquayzsha.

Taquayzsha?

Or Nahojay.

Naho-who?

Oh, no, now,
that's trifling.

Let's get the hell
up out of here.

Thank you, girl.

No problem, ladies.

Okay, bye-bye.

Damn. Why you throwing salt
on my G-A-M-E?

I am saving
your lily-white ass.

Now, come on.

Nuh-uh. I ain't
going nowhere.

I'm a I-9 now.

Peep my tat.

Listen, fool--

No, you listen.

I know what you done, Shondra.

How this
whole thing is fake.

The stick-up, the kidnap,
the whole nizzy.

Damn.

No, you damn.
Why you play me, huh?

For the money.

Money?

What you need
money for?

Look, fool, this may
sound stupid to you,

but not everybody
has money,

and for the people who don't,
money is important.

Oh, please, you're probably
still flipping me and whatnot.

Damn it, B-Rad,
this is real.

Tec and his crew
are real.

Oh, really?

Well, then
if Tec is real,

then this gat must be real,

and if this gat is real,

then the bullets in it
have got to be real.

And seeing how my foot is real,
this would really hurt.

See that? I just shot my foot.

And it's real!

Oh, my God,
this whole thing is real!

I just shot my foot.
I just shot my foot.

I just shot my foot.

Sit.

Stop hopping around,
fool. Goodness.

Oh, God.

Oh, Shondra,
I'm dying!

This cap barely grazed you.

I can't live!

Lucky you such a weak-ass shot.

It's real, Shondra.

This whole thing
is real!

Stop moving.

Hey, who doing
all that popping up--

Oh, God.

Hey, what the hell?

Hey, what up, cuz?

Hey, Tec!
My road dog, yeah.

Just the man I wanted to see.

You know Shondra.

Hey, what's going on, Shondra?

Tec, I swear, it is not
what it looks like.

Don't you lie
to me.

That was always my line
to you,

and it always was
what it looked like.

Now, what's going on
with your boyfriend, here?

Hey, yo, dog,

I'd love to kick it with you
and run this whole thizang,

but I got a little business
back in the 'Bu,

you know, a little something
with Dre-Dre,

so if you don't mind--

I do mind!

Wait, Tec,
let me explain.

Because I don't belong here.

What?

You done forgot
already, fool?

I done told you.

There's only one way
out of the I-9,

and your E-ticket's
in this here chamber.

There it is.

Did you see how
committed he was?
Yeah.

That's the rage
I was talking about.

Tec, please don't be hating.

I won't let you do it, Tec.

Fine. Then I'll just do
the both of you, then.

Damn, fool!
You just hit my house!

Brad?

Pops?

It's Mr. Gluckman.

Brad, you okay?

Not really, and unless
you seriously strapped,

you about to not
really be okay too.

Hi, guys. Bill Gluckman.

Running for governor.

We know
who you are, fool.

This dude think we ign'ant

just cause we live
down here.

Mm-hmm.

You better recognize.

Well... I recognize.

You know, I recognize
that street violence

is tearing
Californians apart,

and, fellas,
California is my family.

Oh, and here's a thought.

Now, instead of
thinking of ourselves

as what set we're from,

what crew you're
rolling with,

why can't we just be brothers?

What do you say?

Hmm...

I guess I never thought of it
like that before.

You see that?

Please.

What do we say, brothers?

Get your ass out of here.

[CAR APPROACHING]

Don't anybody know
where the goddamn driveway is?

Hadji?

Y'all better step, or I'm a have
to waste y'all up in this piece.

Yeah, drop your gats!

No, drop your gats!

Hold up, y'all!

Before anybody ices anybody,
I got something to say.

You really weren't gonna
pay my ransom?

Oh, I didn't know anything
about that.

You've got to believe me.

That was not part of the plan.

What was the plan?

Send me down here
to scare me white?

I know, it was stupid. Look,
I thought I'd tried everything,

I didn't know how
to deal with you anymore.

You didn't know
how to deal with me

because you don't know me,

and you never cared
to find out.

Listen, I made
a lot of mistakes.

I know that.
I'm not proud of myself.

I wasn't there for you.

I can't change that,
but I always loved you...

and I still do,

and if you say that this
is who you really are...

I believe you,

and I... I accept you,

and from here on in...

I promise to be
a real father to you.

Well, talk is cheap.
Prove it.

Well, I'm here, ain't I?

A'ight, Pops.

We cool.

Much love.

I wish I could talk
to my pops like that.

No doubt.

I'm gonna call that
nigger right now.

Man, would you get

your emotional gangsta ass
together?

We got business to handle.

Let's smoke
these fools!

Uh, Tec, um,
before we all smoke each other,

can I say one little
more thing?

What you got to say this time?

Kick it freestyle, Moch.

[BEATBOXING]

* What, what, what *

* Yo, I said what's up
With all this fightin' *

* We should be unitin' *

* Egos need deflatin'
Gangstas, please quit hatin' *

Stop. Stop.

* We cut the coop *

* Sometimes I get backed up
I gotta poo-- *

Stop it!

You say one more line,
and I'm a have to smoke myself!

A'ight, but all these gats
got to go.

I'm serious, Tec.

Ain't no more gats.

B-Rad's right,
all this hating is whack.

Run!

You're not listening. You're
really not listening to me.

If this ain't rebuilt
by the time Moms get back,

it's on you.

You gonna get the punishment.

Oh, you gonna laugh at me.

You gonna play me?

You know who you playing?

I have two witnesses

who were at the scene
of the explosion.

Gentlemen, can you
tell us what happened?

Oh, yeah,
it was crazy, yo.

All these crazy fools
came over here

strapped with their
nines, right?

and I was just, like,
telling the brothers,

"Let's talk about this, right?
Let's talk this out.

"Can't we all just get along?

Let's find our common ground."

I was trying
to keep the peace.

Really, the explosion
was just a metaphor.

A metaphor for anger

within our hearts.

Because the white man--

Okay, thank you,
Bloodbath and Tree.

All this mayhem is rumored
to have been caused

by the mysterious White Kong
who is still at large.

This is
Soon-Yee Baxter Hernandez

reporting
from South Central.

Aah!

Sorry, sir.

Damn.

You all right?

You mean, besides the fact
that I just been harpooned?

Yeah. No.

I'm-- I'm confused.

About what?

I don't know what was real
and what wasn't.

Well, I definitely could use
a little bit more

of that reality.

Mm. Mm-mm.

Mm-mm. Uh-uh.

What's up?

I thought the kitchen
was open for business?

It is open,

but you don't put your hands
in a sister's hair.

Damn, fool.

My bad.

Here you go, boo.

All right, here we go.

Shondra's Salon is now
officially open for business.

The chickens be
out the coop.

Enjoy, ladies.

Damn.

She got in a fight
with a hair dryer.

And the hair dryer won.

Hold up, girl.

I just wanna
thank you.

You the only person

that accepted me
for who I really am.

I appreciate that.

You also kidnapped me,
carjacked me,

and tried
to scare me white.

I'm gonna let that one go.

Come here, boo.

Come on.

Ooh! My own little
White Kong.

That's right. White Kong.

["PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC"
PLAYING]

It's official. Bill Gluckman
is California's next governor.

Let's go live now
to the big celebration.

Here he is,
right here, y'all.

The man of the hour!

Bill Gluckman, y'all!

Go Gluck yourself!

* Play that funky music
White boy *

* Lay down the groove *

* And play
That funky music till you die *

Great. We're gonna take it
to a whole new level.

He became
Black Superhero.

* Dun-dun-dun! *

WHISPERING:
Hello.

Aah! [BEEP]
What's that?

Yeah, you got something
to represent?

You got something
for your--

Yeah, you got something
to prove to yourself?

Is--

Come on, Taye, don't
laugh mother-[BEEP]!

Ain't he down?

Yeah, Bloodbath.
Yeah, you down, fool.

You, you down,
down, fool.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you that weak [BEEP]
from the club!

Oh, you think
I'm playing with you?

Yeah, I think you playing.
Open the door!

Hey, yo, dog, you know
I'd love to stick it with you...

Hey, yo, dog,
I'd love to kick it with you...

You think I'm cute?

Look at me, man.

Look at me, black.

Bitch ass...

Hey, yo, dog,
I'd like to kick it with you...

Hey, yo, dog, I'd love
to kick it with you and...

Hey, yo, dog, I'd love to
kick it with you

and run this whole thizzang,

but I got a little businesses
back in the 'Bu.

Hey!
Ah! Oh...

Cut.

What the [BEEP] is that?

Come on.

Yo, you got something to
prove to yourself? Yo--

Say it, don't spray it,
mother-[BEEP].

Okay.

[BEATBOXING]

* Coming from Malibu
B-Rad is a Jew *

* But I like him anyhoo
Because that's how they do *

* Up in his ish *

* You know
They keep it real-- *

[HOOTING]

Beyotch!
Again!

Beyotch!
Again.

Beyotch! Gimme it!

[LAUGHTER]

Yo, y'all, this fine diamond's
hooking me up with Dr. Dre,

Master P, P Diddy,

Jay-Z,

Big Boy hisself!

Mali-bootay, huh?

Pull.

That's what I call
blowing up for your ass.

* Girls, girls, girls *

B-RAD:
Eh, yeah.

There's my homies right there,

we talkin' 'bout how
we gonna get some girls.

Hey, I like that little
Filipino one right there.

You know what I'm sayin'?
Yeah.

She got front, back,
and side to side.

* Man, it's
100 degrees outside *

* But I don't give a f---
Tryin' to find a freak *

* With a big ol' butt
Cute and thick *

* Rich and mixed
Full of chips *

* Ass and lips
Finger tips and hips *

* Fat little thang hangin'
At the ocean *

* Malibu style
Pacific coastin' *

* Waitin' on a pimp
In the cell lean *

* In the gang bangin' --
Just bell lean *

* Do dat, wit' dat, wit' 'em *

* Set 'em, sit 'em and tell 'em
I'll be right wit' 'em *

* Whackin' 'em, smackin' 'em
White or black *

* At the back of 'em
Man it's spectacular *

* Treatin' 'em
Never misleadin' 'em *

* Thinkin' 'em, poppin' 'em
Stoppin' 'em, beatin' 'em *

* Meetin' 'em, greetin' 'em *

* My other little freaks
Are so executive *

* Grew up with a gang of ----
Which ya'll never did *

* Neither did my homeboy E. *

* So watch how
The game goin' see *

* We goin' watch the girls
Take their pearls *

* And now we sittin'
On top of the world *

* Comin' from a house
That's haunted *

* With extras on it
And now we mother------ *

* Malibu's most wanted *

* Skinny as ----
With a tank top on *

* If I come correct
I'm a take some home *

* It's been a while since
I hit the the water *

* Where the women hang out
Till the early morn' *

* And I can see the sun set
It's been mackin' all day *

* But we ain't done yet *

* Hop in the picnic
Poppin' the thick *

* Stop in the parkin' lot
To hit the dip stick *

* Women almost neckin' *

* So I post up
On the car like Tek *

* Breakin' their neck
Starin' at her ---

* Steady lookin' back *

* Way to get away
I been workin' all week *

* Now it's time to play *

* So light the blunt up
And crack a six-pack *

* And have a seat at the beach
And kick back *

* Girls, all we really want
Is girls *

* Yeah, we all just want
Some girls *

* All we really want
Is girls *

* Malibu *

* Much stronger that Malibu
I'm just pumping *

* This gangster groove *

* Gangster funk got me
In the mood *

* Malibu *

* Rollin' down the PCH Highway
It's my way *

* You know how we do it
Yo, I got the fly away *

* Tents on the beach
You all be out of reach *

* Comin' out here
Tryin' to suck on me *

* Like you's a leech
But listen *

* Yo, I'm about to christen
These new rhymes you hear *

* On your dome piece *

* Comin' out my eye balls
Screamin' at you *

* Runnin' up thing here
In the ML-bu *

* Much stronger than Malibu *

* I'm just bumpin'
This gangster groove *

* Gangster funk got me
In the mood *

* Where you from fool?
Malibu *

B-RAD:
Eh, yeah, wassup
This is B-Rad G

Malibu, you know
what I'm sayin'?

I'm kicking it
with Ghetto Retro,

you know what I'm saying,
from the Oaktown.

This is Oaktown, kicking it
with Malibu,

you know what I'm saying?
The 310 with the...

Eh, yo, what's
the area code, ya'll?

The 510. The 510 and the 310.
Because here we go.

[**]