Original subtitles

- ♪ MTV ♪

- I'm a mom, and I support the Second Amendment.

- I'm a teacher, and so do I.

- There's a lot of talk about guns

going on in America right now.

- But no government has the right to tell me

how to defend my family.

That's why, as a mom...

- As a teacher...

- And as an American...

- I will always be proud

to drive a tank.

[upbeat music]

- Making our city safer doesn't mean taking tanks away.

It means keeping tanks out of the wrong hands.

- If something should happen in my school,

the last thing we need is a zero tank policy.

What we need is more good guys with tanks.

- Stricter laws won't prevent criminals from getting tanks.

They'll just get the tanks on the black market.

- Target locked. - Oh, shit, shit, shit.

- Firing in three, two... - Holy shit.

- Missile aborted.

- Thought that was a blinker.

My bad.

- If it's not Sudafed or plastic straws,

it shouldn't be regulated.

- What we have in this country is not a tank crisis.

It's a mental health crisis.

There's some real wackos out there.

- I sleep easier knowing my children

are safe in their beds,

thanks to my 1,500 horsepower M1 Abrams.

- The last time I checked, this was the U.S. of America.

- Land of the brave, home of the me.

5G is a Chinese conspiracy.

- The number seven is fake.

- Hot dog!

Ever heard of it?

I eat big hot dog when I want!

And I have big Coke, and I do baseball.

- I eat hot burger, and big potato.

I eat big potato.

Num, num, num, num, num.

- I wear leather jacket, and I watch "Young Sheldon."

And you fuck right off.

- And I pledge allegiance...

- To the flag...

- Of the United States of et cetera.

- And to the me public for which it me.

- One me. - Under God.

- With meberty.

- And no gay.

- For m-all

[patriotic music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat spacey music]

♪ ♪

- If you think about it, guns aren't the problem.

The problem is that COVID is a hoax.

- Fun fact, this is the TV studio

where the Nixon administration actually

faked the moon landing.

- I checked everywhere, lady.

There's nothing here.

- Then what about my shawl, my tea?

Why am I always cold?

- That's easy.

You have a draft.

- Blowing in this fall...

[dramatic music]

- Who is she?

- They call her the draft hunter.

Those slight breezes sneaking into people's buildings,

making scores of white women cold.

She finds them...

And eliminates them.

- Gotcha.

- We've checked the windows, hired an architect,

maintenance guy, caulked every crevice

in the entire place-- - Shh!

What no one understands is that drafts are like people.

They want to be found.

And with the right tools...

They can be.

[wind blowing]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- I knew there was a draft in here.

- Got you again.

- I don't want to be on the precipice

of being uncomfortably chilly in my own home anymore.

- I know. I know you don't.

Look, I'll find the draft, all right?

I'll find it.

I always do-- no matter what it costs me.

- Amy, stop it, please.

Please stop it. You've gone insane.

- There's a draft here, okay? I feel it.

- It's 75 degrees in here.

There's nothing-- don't tape that up.

Just stop and look at yourself.

You don't need two hands to hold that mug.

- Yes, I do. It's so cold.

- What is a draft hunter?

It's not a superpower. It's useless!

- Maybe you're the draft.

- That doesn't make sense, Amy!

- God, why don't you just leave, Garrett?

- Fine. - Please leave.

But make sure to really close the door, all right?

Because that's how drafts come.

- Oh, fuck me.

What is your origin story, Amy?

[voice echoing]

- Get ready to blow out the candles, Amy.

One, two, three.

- No one should be a little bit,

not fully, but kind of chilly.

No one.

- "Draft Hunter." Thursdays on CBS.

Right after "Y'all Smell That?"

[suspenseful music]

- [sniffs]

Y'all smell that?

- This scene was my pitch. Georgie wrote it.

And I think "Y'all Smell That" came from Yamaneika.

- When Yamaneika said, "Y'all smell that?"

everyone was like, yes. That's the winner.

- Every time I hear "y'all smell that,"

I better get paid.

[upbeat spacey music]

- Hi, I'm here to see the sleep guy, Dr. Zasmoore.

Thank you.

- Oh, this is ridiculous.

- Okay.

I'm sick of having the same conversation

over and over again.

Who here has a question about sleep?

If your question is, how can I sleep better,

put your hand down.

I'm just going to speak to you all at the same time, okay?

Because I've about had it.

They figured out sleep.

It's science.

All you have to do to get an amazing night of sleep,

the best night of sleep of your life, is simple.

For the last hour you're awake, don't use your phone.

Okay?

Now, that's something you can all try.

- No. - No.

- No. - What?

- How about just the last 20 minutes

right before you go to bed?

- I really don't-- that's even worse.

- So it seems like sleep isn't really important to you.

- Sleep is the most important thing in my life.

I would take any pill.

I would have any surgery for a better night's sleep.

- Same. - Definitely, I would do that.

- Okay, how about just the last five minutes that you're awake?

- No.

- I really don't think so, Doctor.

- Like, maybe put your phone down, you go brush your teeth,

use the toilet, go to bed.

- So you expect us to sit on the toilet without our phones,

like an Amish? - Yes.

- That's crazy.

- Just the last time you use it right before you go to bed.

- So what time of day do you recommend that I go on WebMD

and look up what all my rashes mean?

- Yeah, when should he look up his rashes?

- Any time you want,

up until right before the last hour

that you're awake.

- That doesn't work for me.

- That's when you need it the most.

Like, that's weird. - This is sick.

- Can I just turn the TV down, or the brightness down?

- I'll do that now. - That's a good idea.

I heard that really helps. - No, that won't help. No.

- Blue blockers? Does that work? Will that help?

- It really won't do anything, no.

[all gasp] Hey!

Maeve, we're going to need another wall.

- Yeah, so what about me?

Like, I'm a mom.

So people like me, like, you know,

we couldn't watch videos during the day,

so we need to watch them right before bedtime.

- Like, what videos?

- Just something, like, you know,

a plane going into the second tower, or...

- Movies, like "Uncut 'Jahms'"

- Huh? - "Uncut 'Jahms.'"

- What?

- "Uncut 'Jahms.'" - Jahms!

- "Uncut 'Jahms'"! - "Uncut 'Jahms.'"

"Uncut 'Jahms.'" - Okay. Okay.

Watch "Uncut 'Jahms'" three minutes

before you go to sleep, and it will help.

I promise you.

- No. - Forget it.

[all gasp]

- Nice. - Okay.

- What is that, some kind of secret dance?

- Yeah, okay.

So, like, I'm sorry.

But, like, I need my phone.

I need to be staring into the abyss of my phone.

I need to read something, because I'm eating.

- No eating two hours before you go to sleep.

- What?

- "Uncut 'Jahms.'"

- [screaming]

[TV playing indistinctly]

[laughing]

- Am I going to stop looking at screens before I go to bed?

No.

There are 58 episodes of "Love Island" in a season,

and only 24 hours in a day.

You do the math.

[upbeat spacey music]

- Good afternoon. My name is Laura.

This is Tim.

And we are from Raw Dog Advertising.

Thank you for allowing us to talk with you today.

Tim and I both worked in creative at Ogilvy,

and were very successful.

- Hugely successful.

Shaq and The General insurance? - Ours.

- Shaq and Icy Hot? - Ours.

- Almost anything with Shaq is ours.

He's a personal friend.

- As you may know, we left Ogilvy

and started Raw Dog after our sexual affair.

- Right. Do we have any regrets?

Many. - Mm-hmm.

- We destroyed our families, and Shaq is no longer

taking our calls, because we were friends through my wife.

- But we're not here to talk about our sexual affair.

- Or how many yards we need to stay away from Shaq.

- So many.

- We're here to talk about the future--your future.

In this ever-shifting marketplace,

Pillsbury needs to stay ahead of the curve.

- Or curves.

I'm sure you know lots of companies

are de-sexualizing their mascots.

Disney put Minnie Mouse in a pantsuit.

Lola Bunny got a makeover for "Space Jam 2."

- We all remember the redesign of the green M&M.

- Oof.

How do these changes make everyone feel?

- Free to speak.

- Feels like a step in the right direction.

- Yeah, I don't think it's a big deal.

- Thanks for speaking, but you're wrong.

It's an abomination.

- My kids won't eat M&Ms for breakfast anymore.

- You feed your kids M&Ms for breakfast?

- Not anymore.

I am a single mom now because of the affair

we briefly mentioned.

And what I am doing now is listening and learning.

- And staying 50 yards away from Shaquille O'Neal.

- And his family. - Mm-hmm.

- Which brings us to our proposal.

Our market research has revealed

the Pillsbury company should go in the exact...

both: Opposite. - Direction.

- Like salmon, doing what?

both: Swimming upstream.

- Say hello to the Pillsbury Doughbroad.

- Mm! Boo-yah!

- Don't you just want to eat her up like a slice of pie?

Pie with an ass that just won't quit.

Oh, Sydney's into it. - No, I'm not.

I'm holding up my hand because I have a question.

You're suggesting we get rid of Poppin' Fresh?

- Who? - Who?

- The Pillsbury Doughboy.

- He's been our mascot since 1964.

- '64.

That's eight years before Shaq was born.

- Oh, crazy coincidence.

And no, keep the dough boy.

This is his hot stepsister.

And yes, they totally get it on.

- I'm sorry, who exactly is this for?

- Me, for starters. I mean, look at her.

She's the perfect woman.

She's sexy. She loves to cook.

And she's flexible.

It's like dating a foxy Paula Deen.

- Men want her, women want to be her.

- I don't think women want to be a tiny dough person.

People love our mascot the way he is.

- Do they? - Yes.

- Ooh, because word on the street is, they do not.

- They don't. - What street?

- Roll the clip.

- Rolling.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Yeah. - Well, who's horny?

- Uh, Security, can you send someone up here?

- So what do you guys say? - We'll think about it.

- Thinking is for nerds. Let's sign some contracts.

- Yeah. - We'll call you.

- Raw Dog's phones are presently

out of order right now.

We have some financial difficulty

due to this sexual affair.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We've got a lot of great ideas. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Feast your eyes on Chef Boyar-Double-D.

- Ooh! She can get it. - Next slide.

The Keebler MILF. - You know what? I'm into that.

- Next slide.

Oh, the Jolly Green Va-giant.

- Shit. You know, I'm into that too.

You know what?

I realize I'm into some fringe shit.

- You're just realizing that now?

Okay. - Sorry.

This is just very wrong.

There's no reason to insert sex in food advertising.

- Well, you're fired. - Get out.

- I'm the president of this company,

and you need to leave.

- Who do you think you are? Shaq?

- Don't touch me. Dough is murder.

- "Kazaam"!

- I don't want to reveal too much about the process,

but you just started Jolly Green Va-giant,

and the scene writes itself.

[upbeat spacey music]

- Caring team.

State of the art facilities.

A new approach to health care.

Places like the UK and Canada

see health care as a human right.

But here, we see it

as a thrilling adventure in not knowing.

That's why we're the first hospital

where each patient's care is paid for entirely

by their ability to crowdsource money on the internet.

Welcome to St. GoFundMe's.

[peaceful music]

- The whole thing with begging for money from strangers

to stay alive was a horrible process to go through,

that I would wish on no one.

But at the same time, I know that reading

about my recovery online made some people go, "Aw."

And that's what it's all about.

- While other health care institutions

might put their profits into medical research,

we use ours for market research.

We'll help you put together a fundraising page

that is compelling in a way that doesn't

come off as, like, too needy.

- I was so close to hitting my goal,

but then that plane crashed into that petting zoo.

A St. GoFundMe's advisor helped me to figure out

how to get the attention back on my page.

- The nurses were so amazing about keeping track

of how much money was in the account.

They made it clear that they couldn't remove the bullets

until we hit that goal.

Anyway, it was down to the wire,

but we raised the money after an Ava DuVernay retweet.

I am paralyzed.

But not because of the gunshot wound,

because of the waiting.

- Our state of the art facilities

include a dedicated grief counselor

to help those whose loved ones didn't make it

to the bank in time to donate;

a gifting room to send your

thank-you gifts to your donors,

depending on what level they donated at.

And an interfaith chapel to post your prayers to TikTok

in the hopes that some five-year-old toy unboxer

will pity you enough to smash that share button

to save your burnt up wife.

- We're proud to be named for Saint GoFundMe of Assisi.

He took in the poor and sick

and helped them get just better enough

to fight over scraps of sourdough

while the wealthy got drunk and watched

at a comfortable distance.

- I was going to put some of the money I inherited

into lobbying for universal health care.

And then I thought, hey, you know,

this is just like that,

but big tech gets a cut.

And I'm invested in that--

in big tech.

- Saint GoFundMe's.

We really don't have to be the future

of American health care.

But we are.

♪ ♪

The fuck's my car?

[upbeat spacey music]

- All right, people.

It's that time of the year again.

Workplace harassment seminar.

Obviously, I'm Bob, head of HR.

And our lucky recruit today is the woman

you all know as the head of corporate events, Amy Simmons.

[applause] - [chuckles] Thank you.

- Now, Amy, we're going to run some scenarios.

And, everyone, just interact with her

as you normally would.

First scenario, Amy is running a meeting.

Amy. - Yes. Okay.

Um, okay, so our new focus going forward

will be to celebrate

diversity.

- What's that even say?

It looks like she's writing in Hebrew.

[laughter]

- What would you say went wrong here?

Yes.

- Amy can't spell.

[laughter]

- That is stupid, but no.

Carl made fun of Amy's handwriting,

making her feel uncomfortable in a work environment.

Not okay.

- Yeah, and I would say that the Hebrew bit

was pretty pointed.

- How so?

- I'm Jewish. - Wow.

You do not look it.

- Um, what?

- No, I meant that as a compliment.

Anyway, let's keep moving.

Sheila, come on up.

You and Amy are going to have lunch together.

All right.

- So Amy, are you going home for the holidays?

- I think so.

We're really stressed about it. My family's nuts.

- Because you're a Jew.

- Okay. [stammers]

I mean, that's crazy, right?

- Oh, well, I mean, unwanted personal questions

can be annoying, but it's not bullying.

- No. She called me a Jew.

Why is everyone fine with making fun of Jews?

- Let's move on. Thank you, Sheila.

Pam, come on up.

Why don't you try to connect with Amy about her interests?

- Ah, okay.

So, um, hey, if you can swing it,

I'd love to borrow a few thousand dollars, Shylock.

- Bob.

- I mean, okay, um, I'll give you this.

No, it's not nice to get someone's name wrong.

But it's not illegal, at least not in America.

- No, that's not what the problem was.

[knock at door] - How's it hanging, guys?

[applause]

- Well, if it isn't the Big Kahuna CEO himself.

Chris, would you mind giving me a hand here?

- Yeah, sure. Why not? - All right.

This is a closed door meeting between you, the CEO, and Amy.

- Okay.

So Amy, I wanted to call you in here today

to tell you what a wonderful employee you are.

- Uh... - Props.

- Yeah. Thank you. That's so good to hear.

- And I expect great things from you, kid.

Okay?

- What? - Oh, he touched her.

He's not supposed to do that. - Yes.

Unwanted physical touch is considered

one of the worst forms of workplace harassment.

- Okay, this is so anti-Semitic, are you serious?

- Moving on, Annie.

Come on up. Could you stand up?

You are about to leave the building together.

It's raining outside.

Annie has an umbrella.

Amy does not.

So, Annie, yeah, if you could pretend to have an umbrella.

- So you have an Orthodox wig hat,

but you don't have an umbrella?

- Action.

- Hey, "Fiddler on the Roof."

Can't you make it stop raining, you old Jew bag?

The Rothschilds control the weather.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - This is not good.

- Annie could have offered Amy her umbrella,

but a lack of courtesy is not punishable by law.

Sorry, Amy.

Does anyone want to freestyle a scenario?

Thank you, Annie. Come on up, Sheila.

Here we go.

- Can I borrow a stapler?

Jews are cheap and ugly.

- Why would you say that to me? - Oh, here comes the whining.

- Wait a minute.

That's super anti-Semitic.

- Fucking thank you-- oh, no, no.

That's okay. Don't worry about it.

Especially you, of all people. [laughs] I mean...

Jews, are we a race? Are we a religion?

Like, who even wants to get into it?

It's nothing like what Black people have to go through.

I shouldn't-- - Amy, Amy, please.

It's okay. - No.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about Israel.

I've never even been there, but I just--

I know I'm supposed to be sorry about it,

and I'm sorry that there are terrorist attacks there

and that nobody wants to talk about them.

I'm sorry about Bernie Madoff.

I'm sorry about Bernie Sanders.

"Weekend at Bernie's."

All the Bernie's, I'm sorry.

Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, everybody,

[sobbing] I'm sorry I'm Jewish.

I knew I wanted to tackle anti-Semitism

because people love hearing about it.

♪ ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, Ron Weiner.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ In a monster mask, you could read a book ♪

♪ In a monster mask, you could learn to cook ♪

♪ In a monster mask, you could watch TV ♪

♪ In a monster mask, you could climb a tree ♪

♪ But could you ever meet a girl ♪

♪ And tell her that she means the world? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Everyone feels like a monster sometimes ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Tell me why behind that monster mask you hide ♪

♪ In a monster mask, you could hate yourself ♪

♪ In a monster mask, you could blame yourself ♪

♪ But there's one more thing that I have to ask ♪

♪ Mr. Monster Man, could you please ♪

♪ Take off the mask? ♪

[heartwarming music]

Well, he took off the mask,

and he never put it on again.

And what a difference that adjustment made.

Looking back, he often regretted

all those wasted years before he learned

to let his real self shine through and enjoy life.

But then again, some people never learn

to take off their monster mask.

Have you?

- I have to show you something.

- Okay.

Oh.

You could have--that's great.

I mean, you could have showed me that before,

at the beginning, but that's good now too.

[upbeat music]

- [whispering] They get me.

[laughing] Sorry.

[objects clattering]

- My ex-wife bought that.

[upbeat spacey music]

♪ ♪

It's so easy.

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