All language subtitles for Cupid.For.Christmas.2021.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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[lively music]

[John] You look
just like your pictures.

[Jane] Oh, uh, good.

‐They don't all, you know.

‐You do a lot of online dating?

‐Lots of first dates.

‐Hmm. That's a weird thing
to say.

‐Are you gonna finish that?

‐Oh, uh.

[chomping noisily]

‐Yeah, this guy is slaying.

Will you just do it already?

‐Not yet.
He can still salvage it.

‐So, your profile says
you're an entrepreneur.

‐Big deals on the horizon.

Million‐dollar ideas
percolating up here.

‐Like what?

‐Tell her, John.

‐Sorry. Do I know you?

‐No, but I know you.

I've looked at your file.

‐Philomena!
What are you doing?

[Philomena] Why don't you
tell her how looking for

a real job sort of cuts into
your gaming time. Bleh!

But it's okay, because
you're saving money, right?

How, you might ask?
We all know the answer to that.

♪♪ By living with your mother! ♪♪

‐[Ruby kicks hard]
‐Ow!

[Ruby] [clears throat]
What a kidder! [laughs]

Pay no attention to her.

What you should pay attention to
is your lovely date.

You two look so good together.

Like you were
made for each other.

‐Ridiculous.
Just get it over with.

‐This is my match.
I will deal with it my way.

‐Your way is outdated.

‐Shut it, Philomena.

I have got seniority here!

And you can be as pushy
and as mean as you want,

but it doesn't change the way
that people fall in love!

These two are.

really nice strangers,

who I've never met but
seem to have lovely chemistry.

‐So. I'm gonna go.

‐See?
‐No! Give love a chance!

‐Nice meeting you, John.

‐Oh.
‐[Philomena] She's getting away.

‐Grr! Fine!
I'll do it your way!

[magical chimes]

‐[gasping for air]
‐[Ruby] Oh.

‐Yes! Yes, wow!
You are so bad at this.

‐You got me all flustered!

‐Uh, excuse me.

[Man] Excuse me.

You are the most beautiful
woman I have ever seen.

‐Ooh.
‐Oh, hey! She's with me.

‐Pfft. No, I'm not.

‐Wow, this is truly a shocking
display of incompetence.

‐Yeah, I can't concentrate while
you're hurting my feelings!

‐Oh.
‐[Man] Is he bothering you?

‐No.
‐I‐I'm not bothering her,

you are!
‐You are!

‐She's like half your age, bro.

‐Oh‐oh. Watch who
you're shoving, punk.

‐Ooo! Escalation.

‐You're the punk!

[punches thrown]

[Crowd] Ooh.

‐Could I have
a Shirley Temple?

Extra sweet stuff,
and a sugar rim?

‐[gasps]
Quite the dumpster fire, Ruby.

Seriously.

How many hundreds of years
have you been doing this?

‐I'm tuning you out.

I can't hear you.
I can only hear positivity.

‐Ooh. Does it sound like
police sirens?

Because I think I hear it too.
Yeah.

‐[punch thrown]
‐[Man screams]

‐[phone ringing]
‐Wonder who that could be?

‐I don't suppose
I could convince you

to not answer th‐‐

‐Hey, Boss. What's up?

‐[whispering] Just maybe say
I'm not here.

‐Yeah, she's sitting
right next to me.

Mm‐hm. Yeah.

Yeah, I know,
it was a huge disaster.

Totally.
It's still happening.

I'm scared to turn around.

Yes, sir.

‐You don't have
a lot of friends, do you?

The reason I ask is.

you're kind of unpleasant.

‐I don't waste time on friends.
My career is my friend.

Boss wants to see you. Stat.

In case that was too subtle,

what I'm saying is that you're
definitely getting fired.

[magical chimes]

[sighs]

[magical chimes]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[Receptionist] [into
headset]Affection, Attraction,

and Love, please hold.

Affection, Attraction,
and Love,

please hold.
‐[magical chimes]

‐Affection, Attraction,
and Love, may I help you?

I'm afraid he no longer
handles anything directly.

We have a very competent staff.

Okay. Thank you.

Yes?

‐Oh, me?

‐Speak!

‐Hi. He's expecting me.

‐And you are?

‐Oh! Sorry! I'm Ruby.

I've been here like
a thousand times.

I just thought
you might remember.

‐Mister C, she's here.

‐I'm sure he's busy.
I can just hang out in the‐‐

‐He's been waiting for you.

‐Ohh! Well.

That fills my soul with dread!

Just kidding.

Okay, here I go.
Wish me luck.

Scale of one to ten,
how mad would you‐‐

‐Affection,
Attraction, and Love.

No guarantees. It's love,
not a used Buick.

[Cupid] [into phone]
Listen, Bernie, what can I say?

Love stinks.
People get hurt.

You gotta admit, a lot of
great songs come out of it.

So will you get off
my back, please?

All right, I'll see you
at the club on Tuesday.

[phone clanks]

A brawl!

‐It was really
more of a skirmish.

‐A brawl!

A brawl! You turned
a Level Three date into a brawl?

‐How did you‐‐?

‐[magical chimes]
‐It's trending.

‐Great. She's here.
‐Hi.

[Cupid] You wanna take over
the bow and arrow?

Huh? You better shape up.

‐Truth.

‐Ruby, this job isn't easy.

It never has been,

and it's not gettin' any easier.

Love has gotten lazy lately.

You got dating apps,
uh. reality TV.

I don't even recognize
the planet anymore.

‐Argh! But Cupid,
you are so good at what you do.

You are way too young to retire.

‐Nah, nah, I'm getting old.
I still look good.

‐You do.
‐Oh, like a fox.

‐I do.
I look very good lately.

But these people.

They're‐‐ they're fickle,
impatient, selfish.

Love shouldn't be like that.

And you.

Want to take over the reins
of this operation, huh?

Well, I don't think
you have the stomach for it.

‐She doesn't.
‐I do!

I love love!

When they find that person
who completes them.

who makes them happy.

you know,
who they were made for.

I am made for finding
that one person for everyone,

and this job is made for me.

‐That's not what
her numbers say, though.

‐You're right.

Your numbers are low.
They have been for a long time.

‐It's tough out there. Right?

No one believes in soulmates.

No one believes
in love at first sight.

Wh‐‐ no one even
believes in true love!

‐In the old days,
you fell in love,

it was forever.

Of course, you only lived
'til 35, so it was tolerable.

Things are different now.

I think you're too sensitive
for this kind of work.

‐Too sensitive for love?
Come on!

‐All right.

All right, I'll give you
one more chance.

‐What?
‐What?

‐No‐‐ no. What a‐‐
what a great idea.

[inhales] Merciful
is what you are.

‐Yes, I am.
‐Thank you, Cupid.

Just you wait, all right.

I'm gonna be turning
those numbers upside down.

The world is gonna
be romantic again.

‐I'm not asking you to
set the world on fire.

Just make one person
fall in love.

And I've got
the perfect case for ya.

‐Oh.
A case from the X‐Files .

‐If you can find romance
for this guy,

then you are worthy
of being the god of love.

Charlie Conrad.
College professor.

We call him "the anomaly".

He's unmatchable.

‐But there's someone
for everyone.

‐Not this guy.

‐[Ruby] But he seems nice.
‐[glass clattering]

[Philomena chuckling]

[Cupid] I could show you
50 more clips just like that.

Every opportunity for romance
seems to go wrong.

Either his timing is off.
or he's trying too hard.

Right now, I think he's
given up trying altogether.

‐Poor guy.

‐Poor you.

This is your last chance.

You've got until Christmas Eve.

‐Got your holidays
mixed up, don't you?

‐You think that's funny, huh?

‐No.

‐You know the last time
I had a Christmas vacation?

1472.

1472, the last Christmas
I saw my family,

Christmas tree,
presents, eggnog.

I want a Christmas vacation.

‐You deserve
a Christmas vacation, sir.

‐I do! Philomena, go along

and assist her.
‐Sir!

‐When the clock strikes
midnight on Christmas Eve,

you will either take my place
as the god of love.

or you won't.
Now get out of here.

‐Thank you.

[lively music]

‐[magical chimes]
‐[Kyle screams]

‐Boo.
‐[Kyle screams]

[laughs]

‐Really professional.

If you could just try not
to traumatize the mortals.

[Philomena] Mm. You teaching me
about professionalism?

That is hilarious.

‐I know you're here
to assist me,

but I'd rather work alone.

Okay, this job's going to be
a piece of cake.

I just‐‐ I just
need to find the target.

‐Target acquired.

[clicks tongue]

[Ruby] Huh.

[Philomena]
So, what's the plan?

You gonna chat him up?

Ask him what he's looking for
in a soul mate?

Give him a
"What's your type?" survey?

‐Nope.
That's the old me, okay?

No more hopeless romantic Ruby.

Say hello to
I‐mean‐business Ruby.

Hm.

[gasps] Bingo.

[magical chimes]

‐Hm. I'm impressed.

Maybe you have changed.

‐Hi.

‐I'm sorry. What?

‐You gotta‐‐
‐[Charlie] Oh.

I, uh. oh, man.

It's, uh, I always
drop these things.

‐[Charlie groans]
‐[Lucy] Ow!

‐Oh, no! Oh, no!
‐[Lucy] Argh!

‐Oh.

‐Are you serious?

[Charlie] Oh, man.
I'm so sorry.

Can I at least pay
for your dry cleaning?

[paper rustles]

Oh, man.
Oh, those are tests!

Oooh‐‐ ooh.

[screams]

‐Oh, yes! Yes!

Oh, that was amazing.
[laughs]

‐Oh, my god.
I need to.

‐No.

[laughs]

[Ruby] Oh!

Here, let me help.

Come on.

Oooh! Ooh, watch your step.

Okay.

You okay?

‐Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I'm good.

Thanks. Just, uh.

fell in the thing.

‐Yeah. I saw.

‐[chuckles] Yeah.

You and everybody else
on campus.

[Students chuckling]

‐Nothing to see here, folks.

Just a grown man who can't seem
to make it through a semester

without fallin' in the fountain.

‐Oh, this has happened before?

‐It's a sore subject.

Rather not talk about it,
really.

Ooh.

[sighs deeply]
It's cold, right?

‐Aah, it's winter.
Almost Christmas.

‐Oh, right.

‐[magical chimes]
‐Here you go.

‐Where'd you get this?

‐Always be prepared.
That is my motto.

I'm Ruby.

‐Good motto.

[chuckles]

Well, I gotta go.

Really only so much
humiliation I can take

in one day at one time.

And, well, I think I might be
freezing to death, so.

‐Okay. Keep it.
Early Christmas present.

‐Thanks. [laughs]

‐Welcome.

‐Yeah, new towel. Pink.
Really brings out my eyes.

‐Oh, yeah.

‐Okay, bye.

‐See you around, Charlie.

‐What a nerd.

‐He's sweet.

‐Good luck finding someone who
agrees with you by Christmas.

Twelve days, Ruby.
Clock is ticking.

[magical chimes]

[school bell ringing]

‐So without a solid working
knowledge of history,

history is doomed
to repeat itself.

And if we realize that
we didn't treat people well,

or if we realized that,
you know,

maybe there's a better way
to do these things,

we can do it better
the next time.

[Gina] Yeah, yeah.
I'm kind of confused‐‐

‐Hey, Gina. I was‐‐
‐Todd!

I'm having a conversation.

So I was‐‐
‐[Ruby] Hi, excuse me.

Can I talk to you guys?

I have a few questions
about Charlie.

‐Who's Charlie?
‐She means Professor Conrad.

‐Are you a cop?
‐She looks like a cop.

‐Um. I'm wearing pink.

I'm, uh. I'm a reporter.
And I'm‐‐ I'm writing a story

and I'm looking
for some background.

‐On Professor Conrad?

Not to be mean, but he isn't
exactly the kind of person

you would write
an article about.

‐Oh, sorry. Excuse me.

‐Whatever background he has,
I promise you it is boring.

‐Well, maybe not looking
like a cop is your whole thing.

I'm onto you. cop.

‐Hi. You look like
a bright young man.

What can you tell me
about Charlie?

‐I mean, he's‐‐
he's like a teacher.

It's not like we hang out.

‐Yeah.

‐He's nice, I guess, but
kind of unreasonable?

Like when I tell him
I don't have my project

because my life has been
so extra right now?

And he gives me an extension,

but it's not really
enough of an extension.

And then he doesn't even like,
try to understand

that I have a lot
going on right now.

But, you know, nice.

‐Nice.

‐I like that he doesn't
pretend to know my name.

None of the teachers
know my name.

But Professor Conrad
doesn't pretend like he does.

‐I'll remember your name.

What's your name?

‐Well, as far as
teachers go,

he's probably like,
my second favorite,

but that's really just because
I hate history.

Like, I hate it.

[Samantha] Why are you yelling?

‐I'm expressing myself.

‐Do you need a hug?

‐[magical chimes]
‐Hi, Charlie!

‐Oh! Whoa, hey.

You're, uh. you gave me

[over computer]
the pink towel.

‐Yeah. Mm‐hm,
that's me, Ruby.

‐Right. Well, hi again.
‐[Ruby] Hi.

Charlie, I have the offer
of a lifetime for you.

‐Oh? What do you mean?
Selling essential oils?

‐I hear they're really great,
but no, no.

I'm here to help you.

‐Help me what?

‐Fall in love.

‐Hmm, wow, that sounds fun, but.
not really in the market.

So nice seeing you again.

‐You know, it's nice
to see you too!

See, Charlie, I'm what
you could call a matchmaker.

‐Ah, so you want me
to pay you to fix me up?

‐For you, totally free.
‐Mm.

So you're a matchmaker
for charity cases?

‐Yes! But I can see by your face
that's a bad thing.

So, no.

[over computer] No, I‐I.

I‐I can just help you be happy.

‐Yeah, thanks but no thanks.

‐But. but you're lonely.

D‐don't you want love?
Everybody wants love.

‐No, not me.
I've retired.

‐But don't you want a sweetheart
to spend Christmas with?

‐No, I do not want that.

You seem nice.

‐Oh.

‐You helped me
out of the fountain.

‐Gave you a towel.

‐Gave me a towel. But.

not to be rude, but.
you're kind of freaking me out.

‐Oh.
‐Yeah. Yeah.

So, if you stop walking,
I'll keep walking and‐‐

and‐‐ and we can just.

‐I don't want to freak you out.

‐Yeah, thanks.
‐Yeah, yeah.

Okay.
‐[Charlie] Bye.

‐Oh, see you around, Charlie.

[Charlie] Yup, okay.

‐Man!

[exhales]

[dog barking in distance]

[magical chimes]

‐Okay, Charlie.
We need to talk.

[screams]

‐Why are you in my house?

‐Because I mean business.

‐Well, that is terrifying.

Look, I don't have any money.
I'm a teacher.

‐What? No, I'm‐‐
I'm freaking you out again.

I'm Ruby. Remember?

With the‐‐
‐Ah. oh, yes!

Wait! The towel.
Hold on. Hold on.

Aaaah.

Ah! Here. Here, take‐‐

[magical chimes]

‐I don't want the towel.

[Charlie gasps]

[Charlie yells in fear]

[Ruby sighs]

[lamp smashes]

‐Charlie!

That lamp was like
the nicest thing in here.

[sighs]

Can we dial this down a notch?

‐No!

Help!

[Charlie groans and thuds to
floor]

‐Oh.

[grunting]

[screaming]

‐I think I might have used
the wrong tactic here.

Can we start over?

[chuckles] Okay, good.

Ahh.

‐What is going on?

‐So this is gonna
sound weird, but.

have you heard of Cupid?

‐Cupid?

Like, as in.
Valentine's Day Cupid?

‐Yes! But he's Cupid every day.

‐Oh, okay.
‐[Ruby] Yeah.

I've never told a mortal before,

but I only have 11 days.

So gloves are coming off,
Charlie.

‐But you‐you're
not gonna hit me, right?

‐Oh, no, no, no. I'm‐‐
I'm not gonna hit you.

I'm not gonna hit you. Okay?

I‐I'm about to tell you
a really big secret.

And I need you
to prepare yourself.

‐Okay.

‐I work for Cupid.
And if things go well,

I'm going to
move into his position

and become the god of love,
if you can believe it.

Or I guess, the goddess of love.

I guess you could say
I'm a Cupid in training.

‐That is fascinating.

‐[giggles] Yes.

‐What are the job requirements
for something like that?

‐Well.

hey!

[running footsteps]

[magical chimes]

‐[door slams]
‐[Charlie] Ooh!

[door hinges creak]

[loud thud]

‐Oops.

Feeling better?

‐Before you broke into my house
and beat me up? No.

‐Beat you up
is a bit of an exaggeration.

I was trying to explain to you
when you flipped out.

‐Yeah, well, I've recently
sustained a head injury.

So please recap.
You're, uh, Cupid?

‐His apprentice.

‐Mm. Fat baby
in a diaper with wings?

‐Well, he's not a baby anymore.

And for obvious reasons,

HR convinced him to start
wearing pants a long time ago.

But yeah.

‐So you're like a goddess.
‐Oh, no.

‐No? [chuckles]
‐No, no.

Oh, no.
Demigod, magical immortal,

interfering
in the lives of humans,

that kind of thing.

‐[laughs]
Ruby the Immortal.

‐My real name is Cherub.
But Ruby just has more zing.

Don't you think?
‐Way more zing, yeah.

And, um, I'm sorry,
but you're bothering me why?

‐I'm helping you.

Helping you find love.

‐O‐kay. Great.
Well, I'm a little tired, uh,

so I'm going to go to bed.
But you can call me tomorrow,

and we'll schedule a little
love‐finding session.

‐No time.

We're on a ticking clock here.

I have until midnight
on Christmas Eve

to make you fall in love.

‐Uh, Christmas isn't
even your holiday.

‐I know. It's a
little arbitrary, but

what are you gonna do?

‐Why me?

‐Well, because,
according to Cupid,

you are the most romantically
hopeless person on Earth.

‐[scoffs] On Earth?
Out of everyone? Really?

Like not even just
the state of Virginia,

but like all the states
everywhere,

and all the countries?

‐Yeah.

‐Wow! I've reached
an all‐new low.

[laughs] I just let the opinion
of an imaginary flying baby

hurt my feelings.

‐You still
don't believe me, do you?

‐No. No. That you're
a magical cherub? Not at all.

‐Okay. We have to fix that.

‐No.

‐This might be
a little unnerving.

‐Wait, wait, wait, what?

[magical chimes]

‐[Charlie gasps]
‐Take a look around.

‐Wha.
‐What do you see?

‐I'm in my underwear!

[Ruby] Possibility!

The possibility of love
around every corner.

Hey, hey,
could she be the one?

What about her?
What about him?

The world is full of
romantic possibilities.

‐Did‐‐ did you drug me?
How did you get me here?

‐No wonder
you don't believe in love.

You don't believe in magic.

‐This is insane!

Cupid is not real!

He's an antiquated idea

that was repackaged by
the marketing department

of some greeting card company.
‐[siren wails]

‐Oh!

‐Uh‐oh, fuzz!
‐[police car door closes]

‐Hey, be cool.

‐Uh, ma'am,
is this man bothering you?

‐She's bothering me.

She's a witch
or she's magic or something!

‐You think you're dressed
appropriately

to be in a public area?

‐Well, I'm.
obviously, Officer,

if I'd known that I was going
to be magically transported,

I would have put on pants.

‐Okay, why don't you calm down
and come with me, all right?

‐I can get you out of this,
Charlie.

‐No, ma'am. You can't.

‐Oh, okay.

[whispered] I totally can.

[Police officer] Sir, don't
make this difficult.

‐Just promise
you'll try and find love.

‐I'm not gonna promise anything!
I just want to go home!

‐Okay, so we'll do it
the hard way.

[Charlie] I don't
want to fall in love.

I got my classes and my books.

And that's all I need!

‐Good to know, pal.

‐I have until Christmas Eve
to convince you you're wrong.

‐Ma'am, can you
please step back?

‐Okay, okay. Okay.
Okay. I give up.

‐Say it!

Say "I promise I'll do
whatever Ruby wants me to,

so I can find love
and be happy!"

‐Fine, fine. I promise I'll do
whatever Ruby wants me to do

so I can find love
and be happy.

‐Wow, we got a couple of
real romantics here.

‐But on one condition:

I'm not gonna have you tricking
me into falling in love.

No. Magic.

‐Sure, pal. No magic.

‐You're really tying
my hands here, Charlie.

[Charlie] Promise, or no deal!

‐Okay, no magic.

‐Don't worry, Romeo.

Everything's gonna be just fine.
‐[magical chimes]

[dramatic music]

‐[birds chirping]
‐[door opens]

[approaching footsteps]

[exhales]

‐[magical chimes]
‐Hi!

‐Aah! [sighs]
Would you please

stop popping up
everywhere like that?

It's really disconcerting.

‐I certainly don't
want you disconcerted,

but we don't have time for
another little flip‐out, do we?

Charlie, you promised.

‐I have class, Ruby. I teach.

See, that's what I do.
That's my job.

Kind of like your job is
breaking into people's houses

and harassing them
until they agree

to let you set them up on dates.

‐Yeah, well, that's not
a fair assessment.

‐Fine.

Do your little
romance experiment

after I'm done working, okay?
That's the deal.

‐Well, how long will that be?

‐I'll tell you what, go into
that building right there,

talk to my boss,
tell her you work for Cupid,

and that I need
some vacation days

so that we can go on the hunt
for my perfect person.

I'm sure that'll go great
for you.

[magical chimes]

‐Hi!

‐[screams] Why did you
roll up on me like that?

You just made me pee a little.
[sighs]

Terry! Terry!
‐[approaching footsteps]

‐How did‐‐

‐Okay, how did she
get in my office?

‐How did you‐‐
‐You know what?

Always on top of it,
right, Terry?

Out!

Something wrong with that boy.

‐Are you Charlie's boss?

‐Does he work
at this institution?

‐[Ruby] Yes.
‐Then I'm his boss.

‐My name is Ruby Valentine,
and I need your help.

‐[magical tinkle]
‐[Ruby] This won't hurt a bit.

[arrow strikes with a tinkle]

‐[laughs] Girl, I got you.

‐So in light of
that perspective,

I'm curious to know what

your thoughts are.
‐[door opens]

‐Charlie!

Oh, hi. [chuckling]

‐What are you doing here?

‐I did what you said.
I talked to your boss.

‐I'm sorry, you did what?

‐Hey! Look at all your fresh,
young faces.

Just learnin' and growin'
and gettin' smarter. [laughs]

I feel good!
Y'all feel good?

[laughing]

‐Hi. Dean Wozniak!

‐Hi.
‐Oh.

Charlie.
Charlie‐Charlie‐Charlie.

[giggles] Oh, honey,
please don't ever wear

that shirt again.
That is an ugly shirt.

Oh, mm‐mm. No.

‐Is there something that
I can help you with?

[Dean Wozniak] You sure can.

Do you see this beautiful,
intelligent woman right here?

Ain't she pretty?

‐Um, well, I‐‐

‐She's cute.

‐Super hot.

‐I don't see it.

‐[Charlie] Okay, okay.
‐This young lady. uh,

what's your name again,
sweetie?

‐Ruby Valentine.
‐Ruby Valentine! Yes.

‐That's the most amazing
name I've ever heard.

‐I'm a visiting professor,

and I'm here to oversee Charlie
and correct him

whenever he's wrong about stuff.

And she's the boss and says
I can be here all the time

and do anything I want. Right?

‐Right, right.
I'm the boss.

Yes. She can be here
anytime she wants,

she can be here
as long as she wants,

and do what she wants.

I have spoken! Yes. [laughs]

Well, I'm gonna go take a nap,

'cause whoo, I feel wonderful.
Don't y'all feel wonderful?

Did I say that already?
I don't know. [laughs]

I just feel good.

And that's an ugly shirt. Ooo,
child, that's an ugly shirt.

Don't wear that tomorrow.
‐[door closes]

‐What was that?
What are you doing?

‐My job.
‐No, no.

That's what I'm doing.

What you're doing
is called stalking.

‐She's way too hot
to be stalking you.

‐Truth.

‐You guys are so nice.

‐Oh! You're that cop. [laughs]

‐No.
‐[Patrick] I knew it.

‐And that's how Napoleon and
Josephine fell in love.

‐So beautiful.

‐I have to say this is the first
I've ever found history

interesting in my life.

‐Okay, okay.
That's great. That's great.

Can we all now
get back to the reason

that we're actually here,
in the first place?

‐Absolutely. Thank you

for keeping us on track.
‐[Charlie clears throat]

‐Who here thinks
Charlie is dateable?

‐Whoa!
‐Show of hands.

‐No, thi‐thi‐this
is totally inappropriate.

Do not answer this‐‐

‐He's cute. But there's
a lack of effort happening here.

‐Agreed. I mean,
did you sleep in those clothes?

‐You should pay
more than six dollars

for a haircut.

‐And you can be a bit.

abrasive.

‐All right!
‐See?

‐That's a real turnoff,
Professor Conrad.

‐[gasps]
Step one in finding you love

should be a makeover.
‐Yeah, I'm not doing that.

‐You promised.
Okay, whatever it takes.

The quicker you find love,

the quicker
I'll be out of your life.

[Patrick] I don't get it.

What are you guys talking about?

‐Class project!
I'm gonna need all your help.

I'm a bit out of the loop
with modern dating

and Charlie here needs
all the help he can get.

‐We're trying to set
Professor Conrad up

like on a date?

‐More than that! Love.

[Gina] Love is a myth.

It's simply our brain chemistry
tricking us

to propagate the species.

‐Thank you, Gina.

‐Okay, you're my next project,
but let's stay focused, okay?

We have ten days
to find love for Charlie.

I'm open to any
and all suggestions. Go!

[Raif] I mean.

there's like a thousand apps.

‐Ooh, apps.

Applications on the computer.
Intriguing.

Uh, personally,
I've always avoided them.

You know, I like to take
a more hands‐on approach,

but desperate times
call for desperate measures.

‐All right, class is over.

‐What about your dating profile?

‐Multiple photos and a bio?

Are you sure you're ready for
this level of self‐marketing?

‐And don't forget
photo touch‐ups.

Trust me.
I don't think you want to post

an unedited photo.

‐They're right.
We need their help.

‐They have other classes.

‐No, I'm‐‐ I'm free.

‐I can skip.

‐This is way more interesting.

[wind blowing]

[Natalie] Build?

‐Skinny?

‐Frail?

[Patrick] He's got some
tone to him, but

it wouldn't kill you
to hit the gym.

‐So, athletic.

‐Let's not get crazy.

[Gina] He's tall.

‐Boom.
‐That means a lot.

‐It means everything.

Can't we just put
that he's tall

and leave out
all the personality bits?

‐Wow. This is a new level
of humiliation for me,

so thanks for that, guys.

‐Oh, toughen up.

[Emily] So what are your
interests?

‐And let's stay away from
the boring ones, shall we?

‐You know what,
I really don't need you guys

to make a dating app for me.

‐It's actually a dating profile,
and yes, you do.

‐Well, whatever it's called,

I don't need it,
I don't want it.

So you guys can just do
whatever you want to do.

I don't care.

Bye.

‐Oh, you should add
that he's fiery and passionate.

‐[Natalie] Oh.
‐[Gina] Ooh, I like that.

‐I don't get it.

What kind of person
doesn't want to fall in love?

‐The damaged kind.

‐Oh, no, no, no.
Put that, put that.

We love damage.

‐All done.

[Chloe] That's really good.

You know, if I saw that,
I would actually think

he's kind of cute.

[laughing]

Oh, which is gross.

[Ruby] Post it!

Any girl would look at this
and want a date with Charlie.

‐Plus, it's cuffing season.

Standards are as low
as they get all year.

‐Right. Wait, what?

Too high maintenance.

Too fun.

Too cool.
‐[soft tinkle]

‐Being a little picky,
aren't we?

‐Okay, not that it's
any of your business,

but I'm trying to find
the right woman for him.

‐[gasping] Right.

The same way that
you've always done it.

Taking your time, choosing
nothing but the best candidates.

You want my advice?

‐Not really.

‐Ruby, you have to go all in.

Find him as many possibilities
as you can.

This is a numbers game.

‐Oh, just match him
with everyone willy‐nilly?

I'm not gonna do that.
That's not how I operate.

‐Well, that's exactly why
your job is on the line,

in the first place.

[chuckles] Same old Ruby,
same old mistakes.

But, look, all right, whatever.
I mean, what do I care?

Do it your way.
I'm just trying to help you.

‐Philomena?

Do you know
what cuffing season is?

‐You don't?

And you're next in line
to be the God of Love?

Wow, I cannot.
I will see you upstairs.

[soft tinkle]

‐Argh! Whatever.

Like. Like. Like. Like. Like.

[peppy music]

‐I can't believe
I'm on a date with a teacher.

I mean, I feel like
I just graduated.

‐Wh‐when exactly was that?

‐Oh, months and months ago.

‐Hmm.

[Skylar]
This drink is delish!

[Charlie chuckling softly]

‐We're all gonna die someday.

So what's the point, right?

‐That's pretty dark.

‐I mean, look at us.
Two lonely people

desperately seeking
companionship

when in the end,
we're all just gonna die alone.

‐Okay.

‐I don't want to waste your time

and I certainly don't
want you wasting mine.

I want a husband. I want kids.

I want a big weddin'.

And I want a year‐long
engagement with a big ring.

And if I want all of
these things, which I do,

then I need to move quickly.

Could you see yourself
proposing to me

in the next three to six months?

[Charlie gulping]

[glass thuds]

[Charlie exhales]

[Ruby scratching on paper]

[Leslie] So, this is Alfie.

He is so bad.

This is Josephine.
‐[Charlie laughing]

How many cats do you have?

[Leslie] Twelve.

There are five more
outdoor babies but

they're not really mine, per se.
‐Hm.

‐You have a lot more
women coming?

Because my shift
is almost over.

‐More women?

‐Casanova has been here
for hours.

[chatter in background]

‐I think she's just upset 'cause
I've had four blind dates

and then all I've ordered
is water.

[Leslie] Tonight?

‐[breathing deep]
Christmas is in a week.

‐Don't want to be alone
on Christmas?

‐Hm.

‐I get it.
It's cuffing season.

‐You know, I don't know
what that means.

And I'd be fine to be alone
except that somehow

I've managed to become
part of a giant cosmic bet.

See that woman over there

sliding down on her seat?

Yeah, that's Cupid.

Or Cupid's assistant. Hey,
are you his assistant?

‐What?

‐Cupid set us up
using a dating app?

‐[laughs] I know, right?

I told her she couldn't
use any magic, though,

and she only has a week to make
me fall in love by Christmas.

‐Don't you mean
Valentine's Day?

‐That's what I said!

No. Christmas. [laughs]

Apparently, Cupid wants to
spend the holiday on his boat

or something. I don't‐‐
‐Charlie! You're talking crazy!

‐Cherub Valentine.
That's her name.

But she goes by Ruby
because it's got more zing.

Hey, disappear or shoot
an arrow or something.

Show Laura your magic.

‐My name is Leslie.
‐Oh, what did I say?

[Waitress] Here you go.
big spender.

‐Thank you.
I detect your snark!

You know what?
I'm leaving.

That's it for me.
I am out of here.

And you're not getting
20 percent,

you're getting 15 max.

Leslie, I'm so sorry.
You've been lovely.

This has nothing to do
with you but I have to go.

‐He's a little high‐strung.
[chuckles]

‐So, you really think
you're Cupid?

‐Ah‐‐ do I look like
a Looney Tunes?

I mean, like, here's my
little bow and arrow. Pew!

Of course not.

I'm just really
great at matchmaking.

Here, let me show you.

Ah.

I think that guy over there.

I think he might be the one.

Maybe I could introduce you.

‐Oh, my. Yes, please.

[magical tinkling]

‐What was that?
We have a deal.

‐Well, the deal is dumb.

[Charlie chuckling]

Boring chitchat with women
that you picked for me,

wearing clothes
that you picked for me,

pretending to be some guy
who's looking for love,

which I am not.
‐But why? Why, Charlie?

Why don't you want to find love?

‐You really want to know why?
Okay, fine. I'll tell you.

I gave up.

Datin' and relationships,

it's just been one disaster
after another.

Disappointments, heartbreak.

I don't know. I ju‐‐
I just got tired of it, okay?

And now I'm just me.

And I have finally
gotten used to that.

And then you come around here
messing with my head.

But I don't want to change.

I don't need you to change me.

[somber music]

[magical tinkle]

‐[sighs]
Wow. That went well.

This is all your fault!

‐[gasps] Moi?

‐Yes. You told me
I should play a numbers game!

That's why I chose
all those random women. [gasps]

You did this on purpose.

‐Yeah, obviously.
When you go down in flames,

who do you think the boss
is going to turn to?

‐That is so not nice of you.

You are supposed
to be helping me!

‐Oh, but instead,
I'm helping me.

Whoops.

‐Well, maybe I'll tell
Mister C about this, hm?

‐Yeah, you should do that, Ruby.
Everybody loves a tattletale.

As a matter of fact,
that's why I'm here.

Cupid wants to see you
in his office, so‐‐

‐Cool. Amazing.

I've been meaning to
pop up there anyway.

‐[Philomena] Oh, yeah?
‐ [Ruby] Mm‐hm.

‐I totally believe you.

‐It's true.

‐I know.

[soft tinkle]

I need to see the boss, stat‐‐
‐He's kind of expecting me, so‐‐

[shouts]

[loud angry grunt]

[calming sigh]

[button pings]

[footsteps in background]

‐He'll see you now.

‐Just me though, right?

‐He said both of you.

[Philomena scoffs]

‐No, no, no. Ruby!
‐[soft clattering]

[Ruby groaning]

[clattering]

‐Really?

‐Hello, sir.
I need to talk to you.

Philomena set me up.
‐[Philomena] No. No, no, no.

Don't listen to her.
‐[Ruby] She just wants

the promotion for herself!
‐She doesn't know

what she's doing!
‐[Ruby] She said that

how I do things is dumb‐‐

‐[overlapping arguments]
‐Wait, wait, wait, wait!

[sighing]

I could be on my boat.

You know, I have a boat.
‐[Both] In Boca.

‐Yeah.

‐Is that true, Philomena?

Did you try and sabotage
Ruby's plan?

‐No! Kind of.
I just didn't help her.

And you know what?
Why should I?

I'm obviously the much better
candidate for your job.

‐Rude!

[Cupid] No, she may be right.

It seems Philomena might be
more willing to do

what needs to be done.

‐She does not care
about love at all.

She doesn't care
if a couple will be happy.

She's just pew, pew, pew
with the arrows.

[Ruby] All over the place.

Yes, yes, yes, you do.
‐[Philomena] I do not pew, pew.

I do not pew, pew.
‐[Ruby] Pew, pew, pew.

‐All right, all right,
all right.

Quiet, quiet, both of you.

You've already wasted
half your time.

From where I stand,

the next six days
don't look so promising.

‐I underestimated how
difficult this case is, sir.

I'm going to need
a lot more than magic

and I'm using any and all tools
at my disposal, but.

‐But what?

‐I don't even know if
he's gonna talk to me anymore.

[Philomena scoffs]

‐He was really upset
about the whole.

‐Speed dating strangers?

[Cupid] Here's an idea.

Why don't you
get to know him, huh?

Then you use that intel
to get him a match.

Come on, you guys.

Do I have to do
everything for you?

[soft music]

[magical tinkle]

‐[sighs]
What's that for?

‐Don't tell me
you don't like cupcakes.

‐I'm skeptical of
magical beings bearing gifts.

‐It's a peace offering.

I'm sorry for pushing you
into blind dates

and trying to change you.

‐Thanks for the cupcake.

‐You're welcome.

So I hate that I have to
keep getting all up

in your business, but‐‐
‐And yet, here we are.

‐I can't not do this.
Making people fall in love,

it's what I do.

It makes me happy.

And. you may not know it,
but you need my help.

I know you've had
bad luck in the past,

but you can't just give up.

‐Bad luck doesn't even
begin to describe it.

Uh, high school.

I got the flu, and I threw up
on my prom date.

In college, one of my
girlfriends stole my identity

and then proceeded
to buy 14 flat‐screen TVs

on my credit card
before she fled town.

I really liked her, too.

Graduate school, my girlfriend
fell in love with my roommate

and then moved in with us.

‐Yikes.

‐Yeah. So, since then,
for my own sanity,

and really as a public service,

I have decided to
stay away from the whole,

like, love romance thing.

That is how I became
the undatable man.

‐You're not undatable.

You're smart, sensitive,
a great teacher.

And when you're not mad at me,
you're really nice.

Plus, you're actually
super cute.

‐Really?

Really? Super cute?
‐[chuckling] Yeah.

Oh, no, I, uh‐‐
‐Super?

‐Just like a regular, just
a normal amount of‐‐ of cute.

‐Mm. It sounds like
you think I'm dreamy.

‐Maybe this is why you don't
get compliments very often.

The point is,
we need to find someone

who sees you the way I do.

‐And how do we do that?

‐Well, I need to know
who I'm looking for.

And in order to figure that out.

‐Oh, boy.

‐.you gotta hang out with me.

We are on a mission, people.

We need to find the perfect
person for Professor Conrad.

Leave no stone unturned!

Also, I just really
need to know,

what is cuffing season?

Cuffing season is that time,
usually October to March,

where people go looking
for a boyfriend or

girlfriend for the holidays.

And because it's cold outside.

‐Yeah, that's kind of gross.

‐What? No! I‐‐ maybe
I'm not explainin' it right.

See, if you're single
for the holidays‐‐

‐You don't have anybody
to invite to a family

Thanksgiving dinner,
or get Christmas presents from,

or have a date for New Year's,
Valentine's Day.

So cuffing season
is actually intentionally

lowering your standards
so as not to be alone

because that would be
the real tragedy.

["Christmas in the Air"
playing in the background]

‐It is kind of gross.

I don't mean to bother you guys,

but do you have a daughter?

‐Uh, excuse me. I have
a very important and pressing

question for you.

Are you single?

‐And emotionally available?

♪♪ There's Christmas in the air ♪♪

♪♪ That's your favorite
Time of year ♪♪

♪♪ And all around
That kind of cheer is here ♪♪

♪♪ It's here it's here ♪♪

♪♪ You can feel it everywhere ♪♪

♪♪ There's Christmas in the air ♪♪

♪♪ You can feel it everywhere ♪♪

♪♪ There's Christmas in the air ♪♪

‐What are you doing
for Christmas?

‐Same thing I always do.

Rent the same lake cabin
every year.

‐What? By yourself?

‐Yeah, why not?
I got my music, I got my books.

You know, Superman has his
Fortress of Solitude.

‐It's more like
a Shack of Sadness.

‐Wow. What does, uh.
what does a yellow arrow do?

‐Yellow will make you
notice someone.

Purple will make you feel all
lovey and happy and dopey.

‐That's the one
you used on my boss.

‐Then there's red.
Red is for emergencies only.

It makes people do crazy things.

Whoo! Charlie, look!

[gasps]

Yeah! It's a sign from Cupid.
We're on the right track!

‐It's a sign
from the Tourism Bureau.

‐Hey.
‐Hm?

‐You're really good at your job.

‐I think you're probably
really good at what you do too.

‐Thank you. I, uh,
I appreciate hearing that.

I've just been having
some trouble at work,

and I think my boss
hates me, and‐‐

‐Hm.
‐I just need‐‐

I, um. Yeah. Uh.

‐Just to reiterate,
this is magic.

You're not allowed to use
an arrow on me or anybody else.

‐You know, you're really
making this more difficult

than it needs to be,
but I promised.

No magic.

[Charlie]
So what about you?

Four days until Christmas.

You got a special someone?

‐I'm immortal.

‐Hm. Too long a commitment?

‐Funny guy.

I would imagine
the dating pool

of dudes who live forever
is pretty shallow.

‐It just doesn't work like that.

I get to make people
fall in love,

but I just don't get to.

‐What?

Really?

Cupid's assistant‐‐

‐Apprentice.

‐Miss "I love love."

Miss "There's a perfect person
for everybody."

You've never had a boyfriend?

‐Never been on a date.
Never been kissed.

‐But I bet it's really nice.

‐[inhales deeply] I guess
I finally found the one thing

we have in common.

‐You've never been kissed,
either?

‐What? No.

Yes, yes. Yes.
I've been kissed.

‐It's okay if you haven't.
‐No, I‐I‐I have been kissed.

I've‐‐ I have done
the kissing, all right?

And also received the kissing.

Whatever!
That's not what I meant.

I meant, it just seems
like we've both

put our professional lives
ahead of our personal lives.

[inhales deeply] That's
the thing we have in common.

‐Sounds like I hit a nerve.

‐You didn't hit.

‐Hey, Gina. I‐‐

‐Oh. Hey, Todd.

‐Stop it!

‐I, uh. was wondering
if you wanted to‐‐

‐Wait! Stop.

Oh, my god.

Who is that?

‐I know her.

She taught me Intro to Theatre.

‐She's totally his type.

And she's reading a book.

‐Lots of people read books.

‐I wish Ruby was here.

‐[magical chimes]
‐What's up?

‐Don't do that.

‐Meet Amber McCormick,
professor of theatre.

She likes to read, especially
the works of Jane Austen.

‐Good taste.

‐She's a romantic.

‐Pretty.
‐[scoffs] Pretty.

‐She's hot. Hot!

‐She's not uptight.

She's like, laid back.

She's not like, professor.

‐She's like‐‐
‐Right.

‐Call me Amber.
Like casual.

‐Oh, like boho.

‐Yes! Yes!
‐Oh, yeah, yeah.

‐So, what do you think?

‐What do you mean,
what do I think?

What, I'm supposed to
just look at this

and tell you
if I would date someone?

‐[Gina] Yeah.
‐[Raif] Yeah.

‐No. No, no, no, no.

You need to talk to her.
See if there's a spark.

Then you just need to
follow your heart.

‐Follow my heart, huh?
‐Mm‐hm.

That's the key
to all of this, Charlie.

Ooh! Brainstorm!

I know what we need.
We need a meet‐cute.

‐[gasps] Yes, yes.
‐What's a meet‐cute?

‐All right,
so what are we doing?

‐Okay. A meet‐cute
is that part of the movie

where the girl and the boy
meet for the first time,

and it's usually
silly or awkward,

but it's just so darn cute.

‐That sounds
pretty contrived to me.

‐Why do you ruin
the things I love?

[exhales] Okay.

[clears throat]
You said no magic, no arrows,

and I'm sticking to my promise
despite how difficult

that makes everything‐‐

‐Well, good,
because that was our deal.

‐But that means that you need to
stop complaining for one second

and just get on board with this.

The goal, after all,
is to make you happy.

‐Well, it's not working so far.

‐Okay, well, just wait.
Just stay close.

Wait for my cue.

[footsteps]

[gasps] Perfect.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[students talking loudly]

‐Watch it happen.

[students talking loudly]

‐Oh. Oh, no.
‐Go, help her. Go.

‐Can I help you?

[Charlie and Amber
groaning in pain]

‐Oh.

[Charlie and Amber
groaning in pain]

‐Oh, my nose!
‐My head.

‐Ow! Oh god. Are you okay?

I'm so sorry.

‐You're bleeding.

‐Ohh. Uh, I'm fine.
[soft chuckle]

‐Are you sure?

‐You did it, Charlie.
You got a date.

‐Yeah. She probably only agreed
to go out with me

because she felt bad
for maiming me.

‐No. She liked you.
And it was, uh, charming.

‐Oh, sure it was.

‐I mean it.

You showed vulnerability.
We like that.

‐Hmm.

[Ruby laughs]

Ah! Hey, hey.
No, no. Not that, no.

[soft music]

‐What do you think?

Super cute?

‐Yeah, actually.

[chuckles]

Oh, come here.

Let me, um, fix this.

‐I'm kinda nervous.

‐Why?

‐Well, I haven't
done this in a while.

You know, the whole
"date" thing.

With my track record,
there's a really good chance

that before the end
of the night,

I'll end up
in the emergency room.

‐Wrong attitude, Charlie.
Just be yourself.

‐Right. What'd you call me?
Romantically hopeless?

Even Cupid doesn't think
I can do this.

‐You're not hopeless.
I think you're really great.

‐I think you're.

really great too.

‐What do I know? I'm just a.

figment of some
marketing guy's imagination.

‐Right.

‐Good luck on your hot date.

[nervous chuckle]

[magical chimes]

‐So, you got him a date.

Amazing.

‐It's a start.

‐What happened to
love at first sight?

‐It's not that‐‐
but love can grow, too.

What's wrong with you?

You should be all annoyingly
peppy and gloating.

Your guy has a date.

‐Yeah. It's great.

And they're probably
perfect for each other.

‐Probably? What's
with the probab‐‐

No way!

Are you kidding me?
You like him?

‐Shh! What? No!
‐Oh, yes you do!

You're pathetically
[scoffs] transparent.

Gross.
‐I don't like him!

I just. I think he's nice.

‐Ruby!

You're an immortal.

He's just some dude
with no fashion sense.

You have magical powers.

He. falls down a lot.

‐I know!

It's just. you'll probably
only make fun of me.

‐Yeah, probably.

‐It's just that I've made it
happen so many times.

I've seen how they react.

I just kind of wish
I could have that feeling of.

falling in love, too.

‐[sighs] You know
what you should do?

‐Hmm?

‐You should tell him
how you feel.

‐You think?

‐Oh, absolutely. Yes!

Just get it all on the table.
Talk about your feelings.

Tell him how much you like him.

It's healthy.
You'll feel better.

‐Okay, you!

You're just trying
to sabotage me.

Don't worry, Philomena,

I'm not going to do anything
to mess this up.

I'm getting the Cupid job!

‐We'll see.

I have a feeling you'll
figure out a way to blow it.

‐What's your favorite
thing about‐‐

‐[gasps] Ugh!
‐Oh!

[Ruby snorts]

[Philomena]
He's so dumb.

‐[whispers] No.

‐I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

Well, she hates me.

‐People spill coffee
all the time.

‐Hmm? Do they, though?

‐Okay.

Maybe not all the time,
but it's happened before.

‐I, uh‐‐ I guess we both
survived, didn't we?

‐It's funny how we met.
Don't you think?

Almost like out of a movie.

‐Yeah. It's called a meet‐cute.

I know it's called a meet‐cute.

I‐I can't believe you know
it's called a meet‐cute!

‐Yeah. [chuckles]

‐It's almost like
someone up there

is shoving us together.

‐Ah. Hmm. Mm‐hm.

Yeah, it's almost like that.

‐I had a nice time, Charlie.
I'd like to see you again.

‐Oh. Seriously?

‐I‐I mean,
if you don't want to‐‐

‐No, I, yeah‐‐
I mean, y‐yes. I would.

Sorry. Yes, I totally would.

I just‐‐ uh, I thought
I was pretty boring.

‐[scoffs] Okay.

Yes, you‐‐ you were
a little boring.

[Charlie scoffs]

‐I mean, you talked about
history for a long time.

‐Uh. yeah, sorry.

I guess, you know, it's just,
uh, it's what I'm‐‐

‐I think it's just that
we're both nervous.

We'll do better next time.

‐Okay.

Yeah. Deal.

[door slams]

‐[magical chimes]
‐So how'd it go?

‐[Charlie gasps]
‐[clattering]

‐Argh!

Could you please stop
breaking into my house?

‐I don't break anything.

‐No! You don't, I do.

You poof or pop or bibbity boo,
or whatever it is that you do,

into my private residence,
and I get startled,

and I break things.

‐I don't bibbity bobbity boo.

‐I'm a teacher.

I can't afford to
buy new things.

‐Sorry.

So how'd it go?

‐Just fine. It was good.

‐Well, which is it?

Because fine is very different
than good.

‐It was fine, and, uh‐‐
then it got better.

‐So, you. like her?

‐She's nice.

‐Because the clock
is ticking.

‐Yeah, yeah. I know.
You're in a hurry to move on.

We have a date
tomorrow night, so.

We'll see.

Goof on outta here.

All right. You're gonna
have an hour with this,

which should be plenty of time,
if you studied.

‐You're not gonna tell us
how it went?

‐Oh, we absolutely
need details.

‐Was it a love connection?

[Emily]
Are you going to see her again?

‐Did you spill anything?

‐Ha, ha, ha.
It was, uh, it was good.

Dunno yet.
We have a date tomorrow night.

And yes, I did spill
something, coffee.

But, good news is,
not on her.

[Chloe clapping]

‐All right.
Anyway, good luck.

Soon as you're done,
you can leave.

And uh, safe travels and have
a great Christmas, you guys.

‐You can't possibly believe

that we're gonna leave
before Christmas Eve.

‐Like we would come this far
and then not see how it ends up?

‐What do you mean?

‐The bet?

You have to fall in love
by Christmas Eve or.

well, something happens.

‐Yeah, I'm not really clear
on the consequences.

‐We wanna see if you make it.

‐Don't you guys wanna go home
and see your families?

‐[chuckles] After all the work
that I've put into this project,

do you think
I'm just gonna walk away?

‐Professor Conrad,
we're invested in this.

‐I'm not convinced
it's going to happen,

but I'm definitely
sticking around to see.

‐Plus, the Christmas Eve

gala is super fun!

‐[sighs] Great. Just great.

[soft music]

[Cupid] Hey!

[snaps fingers] You with me?

‐Yes, of course.

‐So, Philomena says
you have this

whole thing wrapped up, huh?

‐Yeah. It's looking good.

‐Care to expound?
Is he in love?

‐No! Not yet.

You know, we don't want to
rush into anything.

‐Rush into anything?

You got three days.

Three days until Christmas.

I'm gonna have
my Christmas, Ruby.

‐I'm just not entirely,
totally certain

that she's the one.

‐You're not?

‐Yeah.

‐You're not by any chance

having any feelings
for this guy, are you?

‐What? No. [scoffs]
No, that's crazy.

‐Because you know that
you're not allowed to‐‐

‐I know. It can't happen.

I just want him to be happy.

That's all.

[knock on door]

‐Professor Conrad.

‐You, uh, heading out
for the break?

‐Oh, yes, I'm trying to
head out right now.

Tomorrow is the Christmas gala,

and then two beautiful weeks
student‐free.

Just me, my kids,
and my boo.

‐Uh, it sounds nice.

‐Hmm. You have any plans?

‐I‐I‐I really don't have
"a boo", or a family,

uh, so I usually just spend
Christmas Day

volunteering at a soup kitchen.
And then, I think this year‐‐

I think I'm gonna
go up to the lake

and spend some alone time.

‐Okay, that sounds depressing.

[laughs] Something you need?

‐Oh, I‐‐ look,
I don't wanna keep you.

‐You know what?
Too late.

What do you want?

‐Right. Um.

do you remember Ruby?

The girl that you said could be
in my classroom all the time?

Oh. The visiting professor,
or something.

What about her?
‐Yeah. Well, the thing is,

uh, we're from two completely
different worlds.

And we have nothing in common.

And she's always pushing me
to be different‐‐

‐[chuckles] You like her.

‐I don't know.

There's this other girl.

Um, she's smart and pretty,
and we have a lot in common.

‐Professor Conrad,
let me tell you

a little something about love.

See, love will have you
thinkin' about 'em all the time.

Love will have you gettin'
that knot in your stomach

whenever you're around 'em.

Love will have you
goin' to bed at night

thinking about 'em,
and waking up in the morning

and hoping you see 'em.
See, sometimes with love,

you just gotta go with it.

Life is too short
to settle for anyone

or anything that doesn't
make you feel like that.

‐But.

Ruby and I don't make sense.

‐[laughs] Ah!
Love don't make sense.

You just gotta
follow your heart.

‐Follow my heart.

You're the second person
to tell me that this week.

‐Well, it's good advice.

Now, if it's
all right with you,

and now that I've solved
all your love problems‐‐

I wanna go home!

‐Yes! Sure. Sorry.
‐[Dean Wozniak] Okay.

I'll see you tomorrow
at the gala.

‐I'll see you tomorrow night.

‐Okay. Bye‐bye. [laughs]

‐Wow. Looks good.

‐Yeah, well, the show
is tomorrow night so‐‐

[Amber smacks lips]

‐Cool.
‐You know,

directing the
university Christmas Eve gala

is my favorite part of the year.

‐Yeah. It's exciting.

‐Would you maybe.
wanna be my date?

I know it's Christmas Eve,

and you probably
have family to see.

‐Oh, no. Um, nope.

Uh, I mean.
[sighs] just me.

So, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I would love
to come tomorrow night.

‐Okay. Great.

‐I'm‐‐ I'm so sorry. [sighs]

But I‐I‐I just remembered
that I‐I've got,

um, I've got this thing
that I gotta go.

‐Okay.

‐There's something
I have to do.

‐Uh, okay.

‐Uh‐‐ sorry, but, but,
um, tomorrow night.

Big show, I'm there.

Or here.

‐Is it.
is it something I said?

‐No, no, no!

Nothing you said or did
or anything at all.

You're amazing. I just.
I‐I gotta go do a thing.

But I'll see you tomorrow night.

‐[door slams]
‐[Charlie] Ruby!

Ruby! Hey!

Ruby! We need to talk.
‐[magical chimes]

‐What was that?

‐Did you just run away from her?
‐No, no. I just‐‐

‐That was not very gentlemanly.
‐I know. I'm sorry.

‐I thought you liked her!
‐I like you!

‐You do?

‐Afraid so.

‐But you're not
supposed to like me!

This was not a part

of the plan, Charlie.
‐No, I know. I know.

I‐I didn't mean to do it.

But‐‐ but when
I'm at dinner with her,

I'm thinking about you.

Coffee, you. I‐I
go to kiss her goodnight

and all I can think about
is kissing you.

‐This is bad.

‐Uh. that's not the response
I was hoping for.

‐[sighs] Um. This can't happen.

If‐‐ if I've done anything
to make you think that I‐‐

‐No. Uh, no.

I mean, I. I mean, I thought‐‐
I thought you liked me.

‐I think that‐‐
you and‐and Amber

make a‐a really great couple.

‐Um. [chuckles]

Yeah.

Yeah. Um.

I'm a little embarrassed.

So, um. if you don't mind.

‐Yeah.

[magical chimes]

‐[peppy music playing]
‐[guests chattering]

[Amber laughs]

‐Hey, Amber.

‐You came.

I wasn't sure you'd make it.

The way you left last night.

‐Yeah, yeah.
I'm‐I'm sorry about that.

Uh, just, uh,
there was something

I needed to take care of.

But it's done now.

And, uh, I'm really happy
to be here with you.

‐Good.

Well, I got you a seat.

Or. you could watch it with me
backstage?

‐Oh! All right. All right.
Sounds like nice access.

‐I'm a big deal around here.

‐Apparently so.
‐Come on.

‐Hey, Gina.

‐Hey, Todd.

‐Mind if I sit with you?

‐[sighs] Look, Todd,

you're nice.

But you're a gym guy
and I'm an intellectual.

And I'm just not into
the whole dating thing.

If you can deal with that.

then you can sit with me.

‐Okay. [sighs]

[soft music]

[magical chimes]

‐God, you're depressing.

‐What? No, I'm not.

‐Why?

‐You've got it bad for
Professor Nerd Alert down there.

‐It's gonna happen.
I can tell.

And he's been resisting
his feelings,

but he is falling for her.

‐So if it's not right,
then break them up.

Just because
you can't be with him

doesn't mean that she should.

‐Right.
So you can get the promotion?

‐Do I want this job? Yes.

Will I do almost anything
to get it?

Also, absolutely yes, but.

Something that you don't know
about me.

I fell in love
with a mortal once too.

‐Sure you did.

‐Okay.
Believe me or don't.

But he was strong and handsome
and a little crazy,

which I'm really into.

But I knew
that it couldn't work.

So, even though
it wasn't right for him,

I used a red arrow.

And who did he
end up falling for?

Freakin' Cleopatra!
That snake.

‐Cleopatra?

‐Yeah.

‐Are you talking
about Mark Antony?

‐Oh, God no! Eww!

I would never fall for
that emo pretty boy.

Julius Caesar!

He was a stone‐cold silver fox.

‐Whoa!

‐My point is‐‐
if I liked a guy

who I knew was about to end up
with the wrong woman,

I would do what I could
to stop it.

‐Students, faculty,
friends, and family.

Welcome to our annual
Christmas Eve gala.

Our students have
quite a performance for us.

And I'm sure you're
going to see something

very special.

And, without further ado,

let's get the show on the road.

[cheering and applause]

‐And three, two, one, cue.

[singing "Deck the Halls"]

‐♪♪ Deck the halls with
boughs of holly ♪♪

♪♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪♪

‐I'm really happy you're here.

[chuckles]

‐[inhales] Me too.

["Deck the Halls"
instrumental music playing]

‐No.

‐[magical chimes]
‐[grunts]

‐You.
‐Whoa.

‐.are one hot number.
[chuckles]

‐Uh, um, th‐hanks.
Uh, this.

This is Fred, the stagehand.

‐Stage manager. Stage manager.
‐Oh. Hi, Fred.

‐Did you look this way
in rehearsals?

Something's changed, right?

Haircut, or I don't know,
but it's working.

‐[sighs] Hi, I'm Charlie.

‐Uh. Hi, Charlie.

I'm kinda having a thing
right here.

‐Mm. Well, we were too,
until‐‐

‐[magical chimes]
‐[Fred] Oh. Excuse me.

What are you, uh, the boyfriend?
[chuckles]

‐Well, um.

‐No.

‐Well, I mean, we're dating.

Yeah.

What's. I mean,

I don't really think
it's any of your business.

‐No way.

Button‐up type, huh?
[chuckles]

‐You seem a‐‐ a bit basic.

‐Yeah, we call that blue collar.
[chuckles]

‐Oh. Okay.

‐Oh!

[chattering]

[Amber sighs, claps]

Thank you so much
to these two gentlemen.

Uh, next we have

a beautiful dance select‐‐
‐Hey.

I'm sorry, I know you're
in the middle of this thing,

but, uh‐‐
‐[chuckles]

‐What are you doing after this?

‐[Amber] [whispers] What?

‐[choir guy] Yeah. A couple of
us are going to get breakfast.

And I will, like,
totally buy you some pancakes.

‐Are you down?
‐Please welcome the dancers.

‐[applause]
‐Look. No, I'm serious.

Eggs? Bacon? Sausage?

My treat, come on!

‐That was. weird.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪]

‐What was that?

‐I‐I‐I have no idea.

‐Yeah, man.
That wasn't cool.

Quit hassling her.

What's up?

‐I wasn't hassling her, man!
I was freaking wooing her!

‐[whispering] Shhh!
There is a performance going on!

‐Woo this!

‐Okay, tough guy.

‐Yeah. Come on. Come on.

‐Hey! There is
a performance going on.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[choir guy 1] So that's how it's
gonna be? Come on. [grunts]

‐Seems like there's some
kind of kerfuffle backstage.

‐Kerfuffle?
Who talks like that?

‐Ezra does.

‐I'm Ezra.

You're Emily, and you are
the prettiest girl at school.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪]

‐What?

‐So, what are you doing later?

‐Hey!

Can you just give it a break?

‐Okay, who made you boss?
You're backstage.

I'm the boss back here.

‐Kind of true.

‐See? You don't step to
the big dog in his kingdom,

‐huh?

‐[panting] I think you're mixing
your metaphors there, Fred.

‐[punch thrown]
‐[Charlie groans]

[audience gasp]

[fast‐paced music]

‐Well.

‐I'm so sorry.

I totally just
ruined your dance.

Oh. Hi!

[audience laugh]

‐What in the world?

‐Wow. Great! Aren't these
dancing people great?

[sighing] Okay. You‐you‐‐
you just keep dancing.

‐I don't think so.

[Charlie grunting]

[dance music playing]

[Charlie groans]

You're hurting me.

[Fred and Charlie grunts]

‐No, no, no.

[grunts]

[loud thud]

‐Oh, ho.
‐Oh, my god.

[chattering]

[Fred screams]

[chattering]

[Fred grunts]

Oh, yeah. Found you.

[Fred and Charlie grunting]

‐Not the trees.
Not the trees.

Oh.

[gasps]

[audience laughing]

‐This is the most amazing show
I've ever been to.

[door opens]

‐Ruby!
‐Oh, hey. 'Sup?

‐Don't play innocent with me.

You promised no magic,
and you're in there

shooting off your
little love arrows,

making everybody crazy!

‐You don't know that.

‐I do know that.

But I don't understand why!

I did everything
that you me asked to do.

I put myself out there,

met somebody nice.

‐I'm sorry! I.
I was jealous.

‐What?

‐You were right.
What you said earlier.

There is something between us.

Um, I‐I think maybe
I‐I might have possibly

developed some feelings for you.

‐You like me?

‐Yeah.

‐But you completely
shut me down.

‐I know! I.

‐You said
we couldn't be together.

‐We can't.

[sighs]

‐How am I supposed to take this?

I tell you that I like you,

and then you reject me.
You sabotage my date,

and then you tell me,
"Oh, no, just kidding,

I actually do like you,
but no, no, no, never mind,

we don't have
a future together."

What do you want from me?

‐I just.
I want you to be happy.

‐I can't be happy.

Can't you see that?

Same thing over and over again.

Somethin' always goes wrong.

Somehow I thought you and I
might be different.

but.

nothing ever changes.

[somber music]

[sighs]

‐Ruby, Ruby, Ruby,
ya did it.

Look at you.

You get to move up
to the big chair.

I get my Christmas.

Everybody's a winner.

Couldn't have been easy.

‐It wasn't.

Um. It‐‐ it isn't.

‐Congratulations, Ruby.

‐Hey, kid,
what's the matter?

‐I. can't.

I. I can't take this job.

Not like this.

‐What do you mean?

‐What I did was wrong.

They're not right
for each other.

And he deserves
his perfect person.

They both do.

You were right.
You were right.

What you said in
the beginning:

I‐I don't have
the stomach for this.

shoving people together
just so they're not alone.

It's. it's why people
have stopped looking

for their person. They.

they don't believe in love.

I just can't be a part of that.

‐You know what this means,
don't you?

‐I lose my job.

‐Wait.

[groans]

Ruby's right.

‐I'm sorry?

‐They're not a good match.

Why are we
putting people together

that don't belong together?

‐It's how it's done.

‐Maybe this job
should be more than

random arrows flying around
and us just hitting our numbers.

And. if you

don't believe that,

then maybe you should retire.

Just get on your stupid boat
and sail away.

Look, I don't know
who should be in charge,

but if you've given up on love,
it shouldn't be you.

Those were a lot of words
that I just said.

‐Since when did you become
so romantic?

‐Ugh! It's a new development.

‐This discussion isn't over.

And you‐‐

‐What's going
to happen to me now?

‐It ain't pretty.

I have to take away your powers.

‐Does it hurt?

‐It hurts later.

By the power vested in me
as the God of Love,

I hereby rescind
all your magical powers.

‐Is that it?

‐Yeah. Magic's weird.
‐Hmm.

‐Now for the hard part.

You have to be mortal.

‐Wait, you mean.
‐Of course.

What do you think happens
when you get fired from a job

as a deity? Now.

you gotta pay taxes,
you develop joint pains,

you gotta face the unknown.
It's horrible.

Philomena.

please escort this human
back to Earth.

We will discuss
your little outburst later.

‐Yes, sir.

‐Oh, Ruby.

One more thing.

I'm proud of you.

‐You are?
‐Yeah.

It takes a lot of courage
to stand up

for what you believe in.

You're gonna do
just fine on Earth.

I gotta admit.

I'll miss your
annoying chipperness.

‐You think I'm annoying?

‐That's not the point.

Point is, you done good.

You helped a lot of people
find love,

and now I think
it's time for you,

find a little love for yourself.

Well, enough of that.

Scram.

[magical tinkle]

‐So. How's it feel,
being mortal?

‐Pretty much the same, I guess.

‐That's kind of a letdown.

‐Hey. Did you stick up
for me back there?

‐Oh. I mean. I guess.

‐That was really cool of you.

‐Yeah. It was really cool of me,
wasn't it?

‐I think we're friends now.

‐Okay. I'm drawing the line.

There's a reason
that we are here.

‐Okay.

Amber?

Hi, I'm‐‐ I'm Ruby,

one of Charlie's friends.

‐Oh. You're the one.

‐The one what?

‐Charlie and I
broke up last night.

He said he was in love
with someone else.

You.

‐I'm so sorry.
‐Hey.

The last thing I want
is a man who is in love

with someone else.

You should go for him.

Seriously.

‐Amber, you're
a really nice person.

[chuckles]

Also, I am so sorry
about your show last night.

‐Yeah. What a disaster!

But you know
what the funny part is?

If the show hadn't gone
so completely off the rails,

I wouldn't have connected
with Fred.

[giggles]

I think he might be the one.

‐You know what?

I think you might be right.

‐Really? Me too.

We're both in the theater,
you know?

Kindred spirits.

Like someone up there
has brought us together.

‐Who's that?

Ruby. She's sweet.

‐So. your nerdy teacher
is on the market.

What an interesting development.

[inhales]

Question is.

what are you gonna do about it?

Here?

‐He volunteers
every Christmas Day.

‐Ugh. Of course he does.

‐You comin'?

‐No.

You don't need magic.

You two nerds are
perfect for each other.

Besides, I gotta
go back to the office

and get yelled at by Cupid.

‐I'm really proud of you.

‐Okay. Come here.

‐Oh!

‐Good luck, Ruby.
‐Thank you.

‐Go get it.
‐Oh!

‐Oh, look, it's Ruby.

‐Merry Christmas, Ruby!

‐Merry Christmas, guys.

What are you doin' here?

‐Obviously,
being good citizens.

Professor Conrad offered us
extra credit for next semester‐

if we came
and volunteered with him.

‐All right.
Also, there's extra credit.

‐Where's Charlie?

‐He took off.
He said he had to catch a train.

‐A train? To where?

‐Said he was going to some
boring cabin on a lake.

‐He's spending
Christmas alone.

[Emily chuckles]

You love him, huh?

[all giggling]

‐It's totally obvious.

You guys are made
for each other.

‐I guess I‐‐ yes. Yes.

I love him. I love Charlie!

[Ezra]
Knew it.

‐Oh, you should tell him.

‐Yes!

‐Yo! I'll drive.

‐Shotgun!
‐[Ruby] Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Raif]
Yeah. Come on. Let's go.

[Chloe] Oh, my gosh.
It's so romantic I might cry.

[tense music]

‐Slow down, Raif!

[Samantha]
No! Go faster! Punch it!

‐Where are we going?

‐Why are you driving
if you don't know

where the train station is?

‐Right! Turn right!

[car tires screech]

[yelling]

‐This is my first time in a car!

It's kinda scary.

[train horn blowing]

[car brakes squeal]

[Natalie]
Good luck, Ruby!

‐Bye!

Charlie!

Hello.

Merry Christmas.

[panting]

‐What are you doing here?

‐You, uh, you taking a trip?

‐Yeah. Um, just needed
some time away.

‐I heard you and Amber broke up.

‐You told me
to follow my heart, Ruby.

I couldn't stay with Amber
and do that at the same time.

‐Okay, the thing is. I love you.

I'm in love with you.

And also, I really like you

as a person, you know.
‐Ruby, we‐‐ you know.

‐I know I said we didn't
have a future.

That it was impossible,
but it's not. Not anymore.

See, uh. I kinda got fired.

Actually, no, I‐I quit.

I gave it up. For you.

‐You mean you're not a‐‐

‐Magical sprite spreading love?

Nope.
Now I'm just a regular girl.

I got a lot to learn.
It's all so new.

In fact.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I‐I just really
wanted to do that.

That was‐‐ that was
my first kiss.

[giggles]
I knew it would be nice.

‐Nice?

[mellow music]

‐Wow!

‐Wow is a much better response.

I love you too.

‐You do?

‐Madly, crazy,
head over heels.

[Emily] Oh, my God.
They're so cute,

I think I'm gonna die.

[laugh]

‐Yo! Way to go,
Professor Conrad.

[applause and cheers]

‐You brought my students, huh?

‐I needed a ride.

‐Oh, my God.

‐Oh. What? What was that?

‐I wowed her with my charms.

‐Gina, I got your text.

‐I'm not looking
for a relationship.

[gasps]

‐Right on.

[laughs]

‐[crying]
It's just so beautiful.

‐So this was your plan
all along?

Those two are perfect
for each other.

‐Oh, please. You think
this was about them?

I knew they were destined
for each other.

This was about you, Philomena.

‐Me?

‐I needed somebody
to take my place

who was tough

but loving.

I was testing you.

And boy, oh boy,
did you come through.

When you stood up

for Ruby,
when you defended love.

I knew I had the right person
for the job.

‐Wow. That is not where
I thought this was going.

I don't know what to say.

‐Say you'll do a good job,
because it's important.

The world needs love
now more than ever.

Well, my work is done.

I'm out of here.

Good luck, Cupid.

‐Cupid.

I like the sound of that.

‐Did you make all this happen?

‐No.

No arrows. No magic.

I'm just a normal girl
with the boy she loves.

It's gonna be a big adventure.

[church bell tolls]

[peppy music]

[Cupid] Oh, look at that sunset,
will ya?

Merry Christmas to all

and to all
a good Valentine's Day.

It's right around the corner,
get somebody somethin' nice.

Maybe some flowers.

Candy's always nice,
but it's too pricey.

That's okay, give 'em a hug.
Give 'em a kiss.

The important thing is
being with the person you love.

["Christmas in the Air"
playing]

♪♪ And the whole world starts
Gettin' ready ♪♪

♪♪ Pretty soon the streets
Are dressed in lights ♪♪

♪♪ Everyone's
Invited to the party ♪♪

♪♪ And the spirit
Of the season has arrived ♪♪

♪♪ She's a Cupid for Christmas ♪♪

♪♪ That's your
Favorite time of year ♪♪

♪♪ And everywhere
That kind of cheer is here ♪♪

♪♪ It's here it's here ♪♪

♪♪ You can feel it everywhere ♪♪

♪♪ There's Christmas in the air ♪♪

♪♪ You can feel it everywhere ♪♪

♪♪ There's Cupid in the air ♪♪

♪♪ And the day's
Gettin' shorter ♪♪

♪♪ But the nights follow
Christmas always shine ♪♪

♪♪ Memories
They're pouring in ♪♪

♪♪ Of the night we've had
It's good to be alive ♪♪

♪♪ Then the whole world starts
Gettin' ready ♪♪

♪♪ Pretty soon the streets
Are dressed in lights ♪♪

♪♪ Everyone's
Invited to the party ♪♪

♪♪ And the spirit
Of the season has arrived ♪♪

♪♪ She's a Cupid for. ♪♪

[music fades away]