Original subtitles

We've all heard of the G-spot.

But on today's episode of Mastering Her Mysteries,

we take you on a search for the elusive A-spot.

The A-spot is located about two inches

deeper in the vagina than the G-spot.

The best way to find it is to reach in with two fingers

and move them in kind of a windshield wiper motion

instead of in and out.

Dad?

What are you listening to?

Hockey game.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, that smell is coming from Danny's room, again.

I will deal with it.

He's really taking advantage of you, you know?

Who are you talking to?

No one.

Dad, you have children, remember?

I will be there in a second.

- Dad! - Okay.

Goddammit, Danny.

- What did we say about this? - I forget.

Did you even read the article I sent you?

Remind me?

About pot and its negative effect

on the frontal lobe of the adolescent male brain.

Oh, that one. Yes, thanks.

It was super compelling.

You cannot smoke pot in this house, it's illegal.

The laws are in a constant state of flux.

It's very confusing.

He's also flirting with my friends.

I'm sorry, but you have lost

all moral authority to judge me.

I'm your father.

In name only.

Dad, are you gonna stand for that?

Don't worry, I'm handling it.

Ahh!

Yo...

I'll be back.

Where are you going?

To talk to your mother.

Oh, can you take me?

No, it's my night.

Shit.

Finally, ready to move back in?

Danny's smoking a lot of pot, again.

Really strong pot.

Well, you ruined his life, what do you expect?

How is this my fault?

You abandoned the family.

You need to man up and come back.

A child needs two parents.

He has two parents.

Under the same roof.

Our relationship is over, Deborah.

Our son is taking massive quantities

of drugs and we need to deal with this together.

This is a very stressful situation.

Why don't you come inside and we will discuss it.

We're divorced. It's over.

Let's work on it

for the sake of the children...

No. Don't try and manipulate me

after what you did.

After what I did?

When a 20 year old texts her teacher

that she's dreaming about his penis,

the proper response is not the wide eyed emoji.

I made a mistake. Don't you think I beat myself up about that every day?

I wanted to teach you a lesson. You needed to grow up.

You didn't have to go to the administration

and get me fired. Who does that to their husband?

You're okay. You got a new job.

Yeah. And where is that job?

Hm.

Huh.

We are so blessed to be able

to find a real movie teacher to come here

and a bona fide Christian one, too.

Thanks for taking a chance on me, Provost Rawlings.

We believe in second chances, don't we?

But the fact is,

the college is having enrollment problems

and we're counting on you to save us.

- Great. - Yeah.

The Chronicle of Christian Colleges

says students really like watching movies

and you get 40% more students

if you start a movie program.

We call it a film program, actually.

I don't care what you call it, cupcake,

just hit that 40%.

Everybody, I want to introduce Professor Goldman.

He's going to be our new movie teacher.

Film teacher.

Praise Jesus, guys.

- Lisa. - Charlie.

- Hey. - Hi.

You're Lisa Harper.

You're a famous artist.

There's no such thing as a famous artist

in Columbus, Ohio, Charlie but...

I was at your show opening last year.

I remember.

I just want to be clear with you right from the start:

I meant what I said in my profile.

I am really just playing the field right now.

I'm not interested in monogamy

- or a relationship... - No, neither am I.

I mean, we're grown ups with kids and responsibilities.

The last thing I want is a serious commitment.

Oh yeah.

Yes.

You said you had two kids, right?

Mm-hm.

Maddie is 18 and Courtney is 15.

Where's their dad?

He um, he moved to Europe.

A long time ago. We don't see him.

Sorry. That's awful.

No, don't feel sorry for us.

Oh. Okay.

Mm. Mm.

Have you heard of the A-spot?

Uh, I think you mean the G-spot?

This is the G-spot's sexy next door neighbor.

Um, oh. Mm.

I think what you're going for

might be a little bit if you would just um...

Oh, bold.

Slower.

Harder.

Deeper.

Smarter.

Faster now.

Yeah, that's it.

Faster now.

Faster, faster.

Slower now, slower.

Wow! Oh, my God!

Wow!

Oh, wow, oh.

Woah.

Mm.

Can I see you later?

Oh, I um, have a rule never

to see the same person twice in a week.

Oh right. You said that.

- You don't want to get... - Get attached. Yeah.

But uh, I had a great time.

So did I. So maybe next week?

Yeah.

Well. In fact, today's Saturday,

so next week starts tomorrow.

Mm, alright, so maybe...

Thursday. Hmm?

Mm. I was actually thinking

tomorrow's Sunday but if we go on a date tonight,

it'll already be next week by the time we're done.

Okay.

So uh, I met someone I really like.

You, the Tinder Queen?

Hey, stop your yapping.

I'm trying to concentrate!

Sorry, Dr. Fun.

Take that, my little squeaky toys.

Having fun, yet, Dr. Fun?

Take that.

Mom, we had this last night.

And the night before.

She's still hungry.

Sorry.

They are still hungry.

She's fine. Look how happy she is.

Ah!

They're fine. Look how happy they are.

Where's Anna?

She said she's not coming.

This is my night.

The judge gave me Wednesday and Thursday.

Don't worry, she'll come around.

You think?

Maybe when she's 30.

What's up, baby?

You seem a little distracted.

Uh.

I'm just feeling a tad guilty.

Guilty? What do you have to feel guilty about?

I have a list just, you know,

so I could keep track.

Mm.

Do you want to hear it?

Okay.

Breaking up my family.

- Mm-hm. - Forcing my kids to move

- from one house to another. - Mm-hm.

Pretending to be an evangelical Christian professor.

Mm-hm.

- Puppy Mills. - Mm.

Uh, buying organic milk

or not buying organic milk.

Radiation from the cell phone tow...

It's dissipating.

My guilt is dissipating.

Mm.

Puppy Mills.

You um, you said that one already.

Hey, um, do I have your consent to blow your mind?

Uh, consent.

Sure.

Oh! Fuck!

I'm sorry, baby, did I hurt you?

Uh... No.

Well, yeah, actually.

- I thought you deserved it. - Oh.

Ooh...

It wasn't half bad.

Mm-hm.

Hey, pull my hair.

Oh, mm...

- Pull my hair. - Mm.

Harder.

I can't. I'm a feminist!

Baby, I'm a feminist

and that means I get to decide.

Now pull my hair.

Yeah. Um... Okay.

Spank me.

I know you can do it.

Come on.

Who's my daddy? You're my daddy.

No. Don't. That's...

That like triggers my parental instincts.

I... Don't do that, don't st...

No! This isn't parental punishment.

This is sexy punishment.

Mm.

I can't... I keep thinking

about Danny when he was five and I spanked him

and I still feel badly about it.

No guilt. We got rid of the guilt, remember?

Yeah, but it's back.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Lisa.

Really. I really am.

It's okay, baby.

We'll try again soon.

I know, it's important to you.

I'm interested.

Can you send me some articles?

Mm. I'm not sure I can do this.

It's not for everyone.

Tell me what you like about it.

Imagine the most spiritual experience you've ever had.

Have you ever heard of the D-type?

I'm still trying to figure out the A-spot.

No...

The D-type is the dominant type.

The D-type takes control and you

give yourself over to them completely.

For me, it's like when you go running

and you think you can't take another step

but then you go past that.

But why would she want him to put a little

Louisville slugger bat down there?

Mm, that's her kink.

Everybody's different.

I'll think on it.

Mm.

Listen um, Dr. Fun.

I'm going to be leaving the group.

"COKC" is coming up soon. We need you, Lisa.

I know. I'm sorry.

I just don't think he would understand.

Lisa, you've got secrets. We've all got secrets.

But this is a part of you.

You are going to make yourself miserable.

I'll see you around, Dr. Fun.

Ow!

Fuh...

- Hi. - Hi.

Can... Can I help?

Yeah. Uh, hm...

Just kind of... Mm.

I'd go with the larger one.

It's one of our most popular models.

You know, for both your pleasure.

Mm. Okay, then.

This is way too fast and totally crazy

but, your place is tiny and I have all this extra space.

Are you asking me to move in with you?

Totally insane, right? Forget I mentioned it.

Good.

Because I'm from... I'm from a big family.

I miss that more than anything, but...

These things take time.

Can't just rush into something like this.

Obviously, you can't expect

to be a new family right away.

- Forget it. - Yeah. Agreed.

But neither of us is getting any younger.

No, let's face it. We're old.

And I don't want to miss another day without you.

That's so sweet.

Especially since I really don't know

how much time we have left.

Yeah, you know, let's face it, either of us could drop dead.

- At any time. - I have high cholesterol

and my knees kind of hurt all the time.

The men in my family never live past 55.

I really don't know how to sleep alone.

My lease is month to month.

So is that a yes?

Let's do it.

I don't remember them making four different dinners

on The Brady Bunch. Mm.

Mm! Don't touch that! That's for dinner.

Did you get the article I sent you about using

non-binary gender pronouns for Maddie?

Yes. Thanks. It was very compelling.

I'll summarize.

Maddie does not identify as a he or she.

They use the "They" pronoun.

I don't feel like I was born

with the right pronouns, either.

I'd like for you to please refer to me as, "us."

Danny, will us set the table then.

I like it. Sounds kind of British.

Sorry, teacher, us didn't do our homework.

Okay, this dinner is really important to me.

And I'd really appreciate it

if you could be nice to Lisa's kids.

Well, it's not important to me.

My allegiance is to the English language.

How's the veggie burger, Maddie?

It's excellent. Do you have barbecue sauce?

We do. Let me get it for them.

Thank you.

Maddie's a really great violin player.

No, really? They are?

Anna plays ukulele.

It's really cool.

Courtney. You're a Kiss fan.

My first concert ever was the Destroyer Tour.

Jesus, you're old.

Courtney.

Oh, it's uh... It's cool.

I'm old.

I'm sick of meeting all your boyfriends, mom.

Boyfriends. What are you talking about?

I'm a virgin.

Virginity is a construct!

When can we go home?

Uh...

Courtney, this is going to be our new home.

You didn't tell me that.

We just talked about it on the ride here.

I thought you were kidding.

This is insane.

I... I don't want to live here.

Well, we don't want them, either.

That's not true.

Look it, you guys, we're very happy

that you're all moving in.

Right, Anna?

Yeah, I'm super excited.

But I'm mostly at my mom's,

so I'll probably never see you.

Just make sure you stay out of my room

and don't touch my makeup.

All right, that's enough.

Look, I know

this is a little awkward for you guys...

No, what's awkward is hearing you guys

have sex all the time.

Ew.

Alright, Danny, I hear you.

No, the problem is, I hear you.

Dan...

Don't worry, he's a lot nicer when he's stoned.

It was a pleasure meeting you both.

You two.

I'm sorry, guys.

Don't worry about them.

I am happy for the first time in years.

He's a good guy. Trust me.

Maybe this is just too soon?

No. I can't live without you.

Babe.

Me neither.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Mom... Come on!

Get in the car.

It's locked.

I'll see you tomorrow.

- Kay. - Kay.

Danny.

Danny.

What?

I know things are difficult.

But would it have killed you to be a little nicer?

It would have because I don't approve

of anything that you're doing.

I don't need your approval. I'm the adult.

Well, how about we just agree that you do what

you want and I do what I want?

It doesn't work that way. We're not equals.

You're right. I'm better than you.

Oh, my gosh.

Okay, I'm not gonna...

This is yours.

I can't grab this...

Wait! Wai-Wait!

Wait! Don't cover his face!

He can't breathe!

Can I just...

Gently. Gently.

Okay.

What... What is this?

I'm not helping.

Hey, these aren't too heavy.

- Oh. - Okay, this one?

- Oh yeah! - You're amazing,

you're amazing. And I love you.

Love you, too.

Yeah, I know. I really can't believe it either.

Well, your father's insane.

Oh my God, they're here right now.

This is all so fast.

Did your father happen to run

a background check on these people?

Yeah, I don't really know about that.

Well, we should definitely

get you some pepper spray, you can keep it...

You got this? Do you want me to take it?

- I got it. Just... - You got it?

- I got it. - Okay.

Okay! You got it. Good.

Kay.

Uh, is over here good?

- Uh... - Okay, great.

Will you excuse me for a second?

Hey, you okay?

Yeah. Great.

Be right back.

I think we may need to get a mini-van.

- I'm hungry. - Me too.

Okay, guys, where do you want to eat?

- McDonald's... - Sushi.

Really want to try this place that only serves toast.

Okay. Danny?

I want...

Steak tartare.

What the fuck is that?

- Courtney. - What?

You taught me to curse?

That's okay. My kids curse all the time.

I don't curse.

And steak tartare is raw hamburger.

Great. So McDonald's, it is.

Us can't get raw meat there.

I want toast.

Ugh, McDonald's is so gross.

And I'm a vegetarian.

Well, French fries are vegetarian.

No, they're not. They have beef fat.

That sounds like bullshit to me.

- Courtney...! - I'm googling it right now.

Guys, can we maybe compromise

on a place we all agree on?

Stop trying to be the peacemaker, Dad.

It just makes us hate you more.

You have to admit, objectively,

McDonald's is literally gross.

There is no objective reality,

uh, literally and you're just a stuck up rich bitch.

Ow!

Maddie, are you okay?

I'm fine.

Your kid just hit my kid.

Do I have to pull over?

No.

Taco Bell is vegetarian.

Could have gone there.

Seriously?

Just sayin'.

So I thought we'd start with a scene

from Sullivan's Travels,

which is one of the classic American comedies

directed by the great Preston Sturges.

How many of you have heard of Preston Sturges?

Okay. Well, you are in for a treat.

Oh, no, no.

Mm-mm.

Sh... No, no.

Okay,... That, that's not it.

That's not Preston Sturges.

It's not.

Hi, Professor Goldman.

We are just really struggling to understand

what just happened in there.

I had the same problem.

But if you bend it in half,

it clears a lot of things up.

Pray with us before it's too late.

- Pray? - Of course,

everyone here prays together.

Oh, okay.

Let us pray.

Um, but the teacher usually leads us in prayer.

Oh, right, sure. Sure.

Just talk from the heart.

Tell us what happened when you first found Jesus.

Well, it was the most...

Spiritual experience I've ever had.

Have you ever heard of the D-type?

The D-type is the dominant...

Divine type.

He means the Divine type is our master.

You... Go on, professor.

The D-type knows what you like best

but this is more like a transformation of energy

from one all powerful being to another.

Like, like, running,

running so fast until you can't move

and then you go past that.

The master may even smack you

in the face because he loves you so much.

The D-type is our daddy...

Our, our father.

Can you tell me more about this D-type?

What?

The D-type. I'm really interested.

I've been looking for articles but without success.

Are you making fun of me?

- No, not at all. - Mm-hm.

I...

You know, my students were curious.

You talked about that?

What kind of Christian school do you work at?

It's very progressive.

Clearly. Okay.

Um, let's try it out if you're so curious.

What? Now?

Of course.

The only way to understand the D-type

is to be the D-type.

Okay, Tiger, you're in charge.

What are you going to do?

Sex.

Not yet.

You have to be a little creative, okay?

Must have a million fantasies.

Don't you, dirty boy?

Sure, all guys do.

Mm-hm. So, what's your fantasy?

Um...

Now you're putting me on the spot.

Good.

What are you thinking about?

Diced tomatoes.

Oh. That could be hot.

I mean, I've never tried that but I am always game.

No, I forgot to buy diced tomatoes

for the stew I'm making tonight.

You have a sexy woman tied to your bed

and you're thinking about dinner?

It's the most important ingredient.

I guess I can make it without it.

Reach under the bed. There's a bag of toys.

Mm-hm.

Tighter.

Tighter.

Tighter.

Tighter.

Ignore it.

This is our time. Tighter.

Focus on your task.

What if it's one of the kids?

Deborah will handle it.

- What is it? - Danny got another suspicious

- package in the mail. - So?

So it's probably drugs.

I'll be back in a minute. I promise.

Sorry.

Ss... Sorry.

- Won't take a second. - Mm-hm.

Little fast to move in with your girlfriend,

wouldn't you say?

It's from Oregon.

Who does he know in Oregon?

Is she a criminal?

Or a check forger? Identity thief, bigamist?

She's none of those things!

Ha! How do you know?

I trust her.

You trust everyone with my children.

Oh. Whoa.

Did he order this from Amazon or something?

What are you going to do?

- Flush it down the toilet? - Oh! No.

That thing will not fit down there.

And I can't afford a plumber

now that I'm a single mom.

- What? - Can I come in?

- It's an emergency. - I'm busy!

Anna, open the door right now.

What the hell is going on?

- When did you start smoking? - Since the divorce.

And I'm very traumatized

since mom said you ruined my life.

Ugh!

Well, didn't you?

I will deal with you later!

Hey, don't forget, I'm the good kid.

Mail come yet?

Oh, it sure did.

Who said that you could open my package?

You do realize getting drugs

in the mail is a felony.

It's from Oregon. It's legal there.

That doesn't matter.

I've been very traumatized

since mom told me you ruined my life.

- I'm taking this. - No, you're not. It's mine.

Get out of my way. I'm serious.

I'm serious, too.

I said, give it to me.

Danny. I'm your father.

So?

So you don't want to do this.

Yeah, I think I do.

Well, then you leave me no choice then.

Hey! Come back!

Is that any way to parent?

Search...

Hot contractor...

Correction.

Search angry hot contractor.

Babe.

It's always been tough with him, even as a baby.

Mm. They're born who they are.

Can you maybe put him in some kind of program?

I've tried.

Deborah will never go for it.

Mm.

It's only going to get worse.

I'll talk to him. Again.

So I read through all the divorce parenting books

and funnily enough,

not one of them gives advice

on what to do when your son

orders drugs through the mail.

Danny, I know it's been difficult at home

and for the most part,

I'm really proud of how mature you've been.

I mean, you're growing into a really great person.

But this?

What you're doing now?

This will fuck up your life completely.

And no judge is going to be sympathetic

when you say, "I did it because I was angry at my parents."

I do it because I love drugs.

Okay, well, that's an honest answer.

Let me tell you what I'm proposing to do.

If you tell me

who gave you the money

to help you buy the stuff,

I will give them back what they paid you

and we will get you back into counseling.

How does that sound?

I want my pot back.

Danny.

Everyone's been talking about the D-type, professor.

You've awoken us. Please tell us more.

Well, uh, you can't just go

straight to the D-type, friends.

There's a... There's a million other places... prayers...

prayers that you should start with first.

Well, how will we know where to find it?

Well, you just have to...

Like, like the Pope?

Right, exactly.

I have to get to the studio.

My show is coming up so fast

and I haven't gotten any real work done in weeks.

But dinner's ready.

Uh, can I just eat later?

I think it's important we sit together,

as a family.

Oh, uh, okay.

Right. A spoon.

Where's Maddie?

She won't come down.

They.

I will be right back.

Can you please, just come down?

Two minutes. He made a family dinner for us.

I'm not explaining.

You don't have to love anybody, you don't have to

like anybody, but you do have to be polite.

I'll be right back. Go ahead and start...

Mom, I've done so much for you. I...

Oh. We're not gonna start that, are we?

Yes. We can.

Please. Stop.

I need to go to the studio, so...

Do you mind if I talk to them?

See you later.

Knock-knock.

Can I come in?

Fine.

Do you want to come down for dinner?

I'm not hungry.

Okay.

Do you want to tell me what's wrong?

My teacher keeps mis-gendering me.

And he's really being a jerk.

You want to get some doughnuts?

Yeah.

Hi, how can I help you?

Uh, hi. I will have a black coffee

and they will have a Boston cream.

Okay, one black coffee

and how many Boston creams?

Oh sorry, one.

They want one Boston cream, sir?

Yeah, because Maddie here uses the they pronoun.

Uh... What?

- The young woman... - Person.

Sorry.

The young person seated next to me

does not refer to themselves as she but as they.

Uh...

What do we do now?

I don't know.

Should we just go?

Yeah, maybe.

Would they like to add a coke

for an extra 79 cents and make it a meal?

Want a coke?

Yes, they would.

And thank you.

Next time, I will.

- Oh, hey. - Hi.

Where'd you guys go?

Maddie wanted doughnuts.

I would have liked doughnuts.

Why didn't you take me?

Maddie and I just needed a little time to talk.

Well, I would have gone had I been invited.

Maddie said they had a really good time tonight.

Yeah.

We really bonded.

I think it's really sexy

when you get along with my kids.

Tomorrow, I think we should all go go-carting.

I think I have a Groupon.

That's peachy, baby.

Meow.

Sometimes I worry that I'm not wild enough for you.

Wild.

You, sir, know nothing of wild.

Look at mom.

You think she's okay?

She's been a little tightly wound.

Where's dad?

I think he went to the bathroom.

Welcome to Grand Prix Carting Indoor Entertainment,

everyone, and a warm welcome to the Kelly family.

They're celebrating 12 year old Henry's birthday

with us today. Henry was just promoted to Tenderfoot...

Can I just grow up?

Seriously.

Congratulations, Henry.

Oh. No, no, no, no.

No. No, no, no, no.

And let's say hello to a new blended family:

The Goldman-Harpers. Welcome to their son, Danny,

daughters Anna and Courtney and a special shout out

to their non-gender binary child, Maddie!

We showed them!

Smash the patriarchy.

What's wrong with you?

You just outed me in front of all these people.

What?

I'm just trying to help.

No one asked for your help.

Oh, guys, come on.

Maddie.

Don't mind my dad.

He really does mean well.

I just can't believed he would do that.

He just wants to be liked. It's his fatal flaw.

I'm not going on one of those.

Me neither.

Come on, Mads, it'll be fun.

No way.

I'll go with you.

What's wrong?

I'm actually scared of these.

Maddie always calms me down.

It'll be all right. I've driven these a ton.

You have?

Yeah. Don't worry.

Woo!

I'm flying!

Just so, you know, I already have a boyfriend

and a girlfriend

and a consensual DS relationship

and two friends with benefits.

So I am not looking for another relationship.

I've got four unruly teenagers living under one roof.

If you want a piece of that, be my guest.

Honey, you're so tense.

What are you afraid of?

I got a list. Do you want to hear it?

Ugh. Quiet. Just let go.

Let me take care of everything.

You promise to be gentle?

No, I won't.

And you like it that way.

Now, if you get scared

or a little freaked out, just drop the ball.

Mm!

How's that?

I'm flying!

I bet you're a hitch fan now.

Oh fuck!

Ow!

- You okay? - No!

What's that you say? Harder?

Harder?

What's that? Harder?

Oh!

You are a natural, babe.

I didn't know I had it in me.

Ha!

Pro tip...

Sometimes people can get a little emotional after this.

- We call it, "Drop." - I feel great.

Trust me, you're gonna want to find some hugs.

You want me to lose my job?

I got to teach a class in an hour.

I would not recommend teaching after this.

Okay, I'll be okay.

I'm a professional.

- Oh. - Thanks!

Hi, everybody.

Dr. Rawlings.

I didn't know you'd be visiting class, today.

Your enrollments have been going up.

I wanted to see what the excitement was all about.

Oh. Well, we are watching

a comedy today, so I hope you like the sound of laughter.

Oh.

You're walking funny.

Am I?

Are you okay?

Get on your knees and stick your ass in the air.

Yes, sir.

Does this make you feel like a man?

Ow, Jesus.

Sorry.

Am I doing it wrong?

Babe, I'm just not in the mood.

I obviously did a bad job because she's pissed.

You forgot the warm up.

You have to let it build a little.

Tease her.

I just want her to be happy.

Alright.

I'm going to do you a huge favor

and give you a crash course.

You can do a scene with me tonight at COKC.

"Central Ohio Kink Convention?"

Cock?

You want me to go to something called cock?

It's pronounced "coke."

"The premier kink mecca of the Midwest.

Rope, bondage, SM skills, warm and wet room

for all you fire players."

Ooh, no, I don't think I can do that.

Be on time.

And no matter what you see,

don't laugh and don't cry like a pussy.

A board membership vacant in conformance with standards

by a vote of a majority of faculty members.

Aye or nay?

Aye.

For the first time ever,

the prestigious Professor of Faith award

as voted on by the students,

goes to the newest member of our faculty,

who now enjoys the highest enrollment

in the school and I'd like to ask him to stand,

please say a few words about his faith:

Professor Charlie Goldman.

Aye.

Uh... No, professor.

Could you stand and talk about your faith?

My faith?

Um...

Uh, what do I have faith in?

Uh, what do I have faith in...

Uh...

You know that feeling

when you thought you were on solid ground

but then somebody lifts you up,

six, maybe seven feet in the air

and you know it's going to hurt

and there's going to be some marks

but you keep going.

God lifted you up, Professor?

It changes your perspective when you open up like that.

My 17 year old has a problem with drugs

and I have to remind myself

that he's a smart kid and I can't solve everything.

But I have to have enough faith in him

to give him the space to figure it out, himself.

My new step kid is gender nonconforming

and I've been trying to educate people to understand.

And I have faith in the world that they will be

accepted sooner rather than later.

And my girlfriend is way

more experienced sexually than I am...

Ixnay. Ixnay...

And I have to not be intimidated by that

and remember, that's my problem, not hers.

And I have to have faith in her

when she says she loves me more than anything.

You can't live your life being insecure.

And, I... I do have faith that we will be

a family eventually.

Have I been here long enough for a 401(k)?

Come to Papa.

Mom, it's me.

Can you pick me up?

I have to go pick up Danny from Dad's.

Can you take me with you?

Well, we have plans. My divorced persons group

is coming over to watch John Wick 3: Parabellum.

Yeah, that sounds awesome,

but I kind of just wanted to hang out

with Courtney and Maddie.

Oh, I thought you didn't like them.

- I guess they're alright. - Mm.

You going to a costume party?

Something like that. Dinner.

Danny's in his room.

Actually, mom just picked him up.

Oh. Have a good night.

Excuse me. Hi. Sorry to bother you.

I think I'm in the wrong place.

I'm looking for the S&M festival.

The what?

Man, we're here for a funeral.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

I'm just messing with you, bro.

First door on your right.

- Thank you. - Have fun there, buddy.

I'll try.

Welcome to COKC!

Uh, I... I'm not sure...

Oh, you're in the right place.

What's your name?

Uh, uh... Charlie Goldman.

No, your kink name.

Uh, I'm not... I don't think I have a...

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Mm.

Lauren had this made specially for you.

Okay.

Right there.

Top or bottom?

Say what now?

I need to know which bracelet to give you.

Are you a top or a bottom?

Oh, sure. Um, I'm not gay.

Oh, honey, no.

Do you like to do things to people

or have them done to you?

Can I let you know in about an hour?

Sure love.

Hey, I know where Danny keeps his weed.

What do we do with this?

Yay, I'm starving.

Hey, Court! Don't eat it.

It's um, full of liver.

- Ew. - Yeah.

Hey.

Oh, God, no. Oh my God.

Hey.

Cupcake, in the lounge. You're next.

Okay. This way?

Now, what's that?

Ready for your scene?

Sure.

So, where should we start?

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

Never in a million years.

Sure.

What is that for?

Let's start with this.

See, it's all about the warm up.

That's not so bad.

I don't feel anything yet.

Ow! Jesus!

I don't... I don't feel anything yet.

I feel nothing.

It's just such a dud.

What?

- What? - How does it look?

- Do I look okay? - Um.

Yes. I'm sorry.

That... That was a lot for me, I'm sor... I'm sorry.

Let's have more.

- I think you look good. - Are you sure...

I think it looks really good. I'm... I'm serious.

You guys are really fun tonight.

I wish Keanu would...

Oh, yes! That's what I'm talking about.

Your dog was so cute, John Wick.

Fuck them up!

That, that looks like your son, Deb.

Danny?

Danny?

What are you doing out here?

Is he okay, Deb?

Honey.

Honey?

Oh, I got him! I got him!

Sh, sh, sh.

Gooo-a-a-l!

Goal!

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Danny, what did you take?

Mm-hm.

I'm gay.

Hm.

Holy shit, I'm gay.

- Mm. - Breasts.

I'm not gay.

I think I might be bi.

I think we should take him

to a hospital.

Hey...

How do you know you're gay?

Well, half my class just came out.

Really?

That's cool.

I think most of 'em are poly.

What's that?

It's when you love everybody.

Guys, I can't feel my legs. I think I'm paralyzed.

You're standing up. You can't be paralyzed.

No, I can't feel my legs.

- Okay? - Courtney!

- What? - Can you call mom?

- Call mom! - I am!

- She's calling her. - I can't feel my leg!

- I'm paralyzed! - Okay!

- Call her... - She's not picking up.

Surprise, bitch.

Let's have some fun.

Oh, ho, ho.

Turn you around now.

There we go.

Yeah. Yeah.

Pineapple.

Pineapple!

Lisa?

Charlie.

- Oh, you look great. - Pineapple.

Have you been taking lessons for me?

For us. I'm taking lessons for us.

- Is this your boyfriend, Lisa? - Yeah.

What, come on, you guys know each other?

Pine. Apple!

Oh, sorry, honey. Okay.

Dr. Rawlings?

Dr. Rawlings, I didn't know you were a kinkster.

What did you expect?

You think D-type really means divine?

I hope I can count on your discretion, Professor.

Of course, as long as I can keep my job.

Done.

Good because I like working there.

Wait, what's going on here?

Huh. A kinkster.

Step aside, Lauren,

if anyone's going to whip my man, it's going to be me.

Ow. Fuck.

Danny, will you please stop doing that, honey?

Oh! Charlie, will you please pick up?

I am taking Danny to Columbus Children's.

I don't even think that I...

- Have the insurance card. - Oh no.

Oh shit!

Oh, Jesus! God, get the hell back in here!

- Woo! - I understand,

but it is my ex-husband's insurance,

and I can't get a hold of him

because he's a selfish, irresponsible jerk.

Actually, this entire thing is his fault.

- The divorce was very hard... - Honey. Not everyone you meet

will see your magic.

Sign here, initial here and sign here.

Oh shit.

- 15 messages? - 12 messages?

Oh!

- Oh, I'm a bottom. - I know.

You know, with everything that's happened

in the last few years, with the divorce and all,

I just felt like I've lost everything.

So much has changed.

Divorce sucks.

Hah. Yeah.

But I used to only have one asshole brother

and now I have you guys.

I thought I was cursed.

But now I realize I'm actually pretty lucky.

Hey.

How is he?

Looks like you've had quite a night.

Why would you do something like this to yourself?

Sir, he's okay.

We're just going to keep him overnight.

None of this would have happened if you hadn't left.

Actually, that's not true.

- Oh, it's okay... - Get off me!

- Danny... - Get off!

It's okay, Danny.

Get off me! Get off me!

- Danny it's okay... - Get off!

I need some help in here!

- Get off me! - It's okay, Danny.

- Get off me! - Will you let them work?

This is the number to Maple Hill Academy.

This place saved my little brother's life.

- It's a school? - Yes.

A residential program for teen drug addiction.

Send him away?

No, never.

Then I promise you,

we will be back here again.

I can move in until the school takes him.

Okay. We can try that.

What the hell?

Geez.

You have any sevens?

Hey. Are you guys okay?

What happened to Courtney?

She wanted to look like Paul Stanley.

You guys know better than this.

Okay um, can you guys go to sleep now, please?

We'll discuss this in the morning.

Hey, how's he doin'?

He's sleeping.

Finally.

What happened here?

They found Danny's pot

and put it in the pasta casserole.

Oh no.

Is everyone okay?

Yeah, fine. No one ever died from eating pot.

Hey, don't worry.

Everybody's going to be okay.

My situation is crazy, Lisa.

And now I exposed your kids to this

when I let you move in,

knowing that things weren't under control.

It is not your fault.

I knew what I was doing.

I was selfish and impulsive.

Maybe, a little bit, but the kids are fine.

Everything is going to be okay.

I don't know, I thought I was ready for this, but...

Uh, maybe we moved too fast.

Well, we're here now.

I know.

I... I just, I mean, do you think we made a mistake?

Are you breaking up with me?

No, I... I need to help, Danny.

I should have been there for him and I fucked up.

You did everything you could.

I...

Go be with your son, Charlie.

Sorry, mom.

We shouldn't have done it.

It's not that.

We're going to have to move again, aren't we?

I... I don't know.

Where am I?

The hospital.

Why? Am I sick?

No. You took four tabs of acid.

Why would I do something stupid like that?

I have no idea. You tell me.

Beats me.

You remember anything?

They killed John Wick's dog.

And then?

And then I woke up here.

Jesus, Danny.

Sorry.

Well, that's not good enough.

What do you want me to say?

I don't know, maybe that

you'll never do anything like this

the rest of your life.

Okay.

You got it.

I understand.

You guys are going through a lot right now.

It's just temporary. I promise.

This is how it has to be.

Family first.

This reminds me when you were little

and you couldn't sleep and I used to come

into your room and tell you a story.

You remember?

No.

Want me to tell you a story now?

Okay.

Once upon a time in Los Angeles,

a mild mannered insurance agent, Walter Neff,

is going on about his day,

talking to clients and trying to get policies renewed

when he visits a beautiful woman named Phyllis,

who's trying to get

her husband to renew his auto insurance policy.

Never mind. It's okay.

Dad.

It's the story of Double Indemnity.

You've told it to me a million times.

Let's just go to bed, okay?

Sure.

Goodnight, Dad.

Goodnight.

Danny?

Danny!

Oh, hey.

You're here?

Yeah. Where did you think I was?

Are you fucking kidding me, motherfuck?

Holy shit!

Fuck!

- You okay? - No, I'm not okay.

I thought you were just getting arrested!

No.

Who were you texting earlier?

Anna.

She's dealing with some cyber bullying stuff.

Do you have any idea how stressful it is

worrying about you all the time?

Really? Dad?

You're going to talk to me about your stress

and your feelings again.

You don't think it was stressful for me

listening to you and mom fighting every night,

arguing over which side of your family

my problems come from.

Blaming each other that I'm fucked up.

How do you think that makes me feel?

You don't think I'm my own person,

capable of making my own choices?

Of course we do...

We're... We're just looking for answers.

How is that looking for answers?

Screaming at each other?

Blaming each other?

You always act like I should be

so grateful to you guys.

Saying all that you do for me.

But how often do you stop

and ask yourself what it might be like

to be in my shoes?

I'm sorry.

Don't be. It's not about you.

Who do you think has Anna's back?

She plays like she's fine

because she wants to be the good kid.

But I know it's just an act.

Yeah.

Sorry.

I've decided to go to this new school.

Okay.

I'm really scared.

I'm scared, too.

That never goes away.

There's always going to be something new

to be scared about.

You're such a good kid, Danny.

Or... Sorry. Man.

We're all going to get through this.

I promise.

Oh, hey, you the new roomie?

Yeah.

Oh, you gon' wan tuck that bad boy in.

I'm Justin.

Uh, Danny.

Nice to meet you, Danny.

- Where you from? - Columbus.

You a Buckeye fan?

Not really. I'm more of a hockey fan.

They got any Black people in Hockey?

A few, some of the younger guys, actually.

Tight.

Well, we got to get to chapel.

But you want to come along, we'll save you a seat.

Love you.

Love you, too.

Take care.

Thanks, Dad.

Please don't touch me. It makes my skin crawl.

Relationships end, Deborah.

Just a fact of life.

You just didn't see my magic.

Get out, you can walk the rest of the way.

What?

It's 100 hundred miles.

I said out.

Corn flakes, popcorn.

Corn cakes.

Cornucopia.

Corn.

Hey old man.

How about we get you off those bad knees?

Danny okay?

I think he's going to be fine.

Have a nice day,

my little squeaky toy.