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1
00:00:04,492 --> 00:00:06,559
Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...
2
00:00:06,661 --> 00:00:09,428
I need you to pick up Roy Martin
at the airport tonight.
3
00:00:09,530 --> 00:00:11,290
The Roy Martin? I have all
his comedy albums.
4
00:00:11,365 --> 00:00:12,631
He's like an idol of mine.
5
00:00:12,733 --> 00:00:14,032
Front page, huh?
6
00:00:14,134 --> 00:00:15,345
You're the talk of Wink.
7
00:00:15,369 --> 00:00:16,868
Well, it's not the first time.
8
00:00:16,970 --> 00:00:19,371
Girls Are Funny Too.
9
00:00:19,473 --> 00:00:20,806
We interrupt...
10
00:00:20,907 --> 00:00:23,041
Once again, my life has been preempted
11
00:00:23,143 --> 00:00:24,623
- by a fucking tragedy.
- Tough night.
12
00:00:24,712 --> 00:00:26,277
I just talked to our daughter.
13
00:00:26,380 --> 00:00:27,724
I'm not the one gumming up the works.
14
00:00:27,748 --> 00:00:29,681
She doesn't wanna talk.
15
00:00:29,783 --> 00:00:31,950
It's Benny time.
16
00:00:32,052 --> 00:00:33,452
Network called.
17
00:00:33,554 --> 00:00:35,354
They want to make you a regular.
18
00:00:35,456 --> 00:00:37,087
You're rich, you lovable cocksucker!
19
00:00:37,189 --> 00:00:38,922
Holy shit.
20
00:00:46,627 --> 00:00:50,383
Synced & corrected by reggielist
www.addic7ed.com
21
00:01:02,615 --> 00:01:05,750
Well, I'd be lying if I said
I didn't see this coming.
22
00:01:07,319 --> 00:01:09,552
It's for my nephew, Jesse.
23
00:01:09,654 --> 00:01:11,921
It's got a holster and
caps and everything.
24
00:01:12,023 --> 00:01:15,658
I just... I'm not really
sure what he likes.
25
00:01:15,761 --> 00:01:18,294
My nieces were so much
easier to shop for.
26
00:01:18,397 --> 00:01:20,037
What, are you kidding?
He's gonna love it.
27
00:01:20,098 --> 00:01:23,199
His name's Jesse, for cripes' sake.
28
00:01:23,301 --> 00:01:24,701
I never went anywhere without mine.
29
00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:26,002
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
30
00:01:26,104 --> 00:01:27,771
Were you a good guy or a bad guy?
31
00:01:27,873 --> 00:01:29,539
- Bad guy, always.
- Mm.
32
00:01:29,641 --> 00:01:31,185
I was actually on the
Jewish Most Wanted List.
33
00:01:31,209 --> 00:01:32,509
Oh, you don't say?
34
00:01:32,611 --> 00:01:34,511
Yeah, right after a,
uh, crooked accountant
35
00:01:34,613 --> 00:01:37,514
and a deli owner notorious for
putting his thumb on the scale.
36
00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:42,350
So...
37
00:01:42,453 --> 00:01:44,352
are you excited to see your family?
38
00:01:44,455 --> 00:01:45,721
It's been a while.
39
00:01:45,823 --> 00:01:48,424
Mm, I was more excited...
40
00:01:48,526 --> 00:01:51,393
...when I thought they'd all
be clamoring to congratulate me
41
00:01:51,495 --> 00:01:53,028
after being on TV.
42
00:01:53,130 --> 00:01:56,665
Now I don't really
know what I'm gonna say.
43
00:01:56,767 --> 00:01:59,535
Well, you just say, "When
is your special airing",
44
00:01:59,637 --> 00:02:01,169
Uncle Billy Bob?"
45
00:02:01,271 --> 00:02:02,482
I don't have an Uncle Billy Bob.
46
00:02:02,506 --> 00:02:04,005
Sure, you do.
47
00:02:07,678 --> 00:02:09,044
Hey.
48
00:02:10,150 --> 00:02:12,451
You know I'm sorry that I
can't be there with you, right?
49
00:02:12,749 --> 00:02:14,582
I'll be fine.
50
00:02:14,684 --> 00:02:17,184
Plus, I get to tell everyone
that my boyfriend can't come...
51
00:02:17,286 --> 00:02:19,720
because he's working for Roy Martin.
52
00:02:19,823 --> 00:02:22,022
- All right.
- "Uncle Billy Bob."
53
00:02:22,124 --> 00:02:24,224
Yeah, well, "working for"
54
00:02:24,327 --> 00:02:26,193
sounds a lot better than "driving."
55
00:02:26,295 --> 00:02:28,262
Yeah, but driving will
lead to other things.
56
00:02:28,364 --> 00:02:30,498
Like picking up his dry cleaning.
57
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,099
Dropping off his call girls.
58
00:02:32,201 --> 00:02:33,534
Mm, clipping his toenails.
59
00:02:33,636 --> 00:02:34,669
Giving him a sponge bath.
60
00:02:34,771 --> 00:02:36,203
Oh, he does love sponge baths.
61
00:02:36,305 --> 00:02:37,472
Who doesn't?
62
00:03:01,830 --> 00:03:04,465
"Gosh, Mom, I don't know
what I'd do without you.
63
00:03:04,566 --> 00:03:06,300
Thanks for coming to get me."
64
00:03:06,402 --> 00:03:07,901
"Oh, sure, honey. Be happy.
65
00:03:08,004 --> 00:03:10,937
Happy to help you
anytime. You know that."
66
00:03:16,177 --> 00:03:19,612
Honestly, Amanda, y-you're
not gonna say anything?
67
00:03:19,714 --> 00:03:21,614
It's very important to Amanda
68
00:03:21,716 --> 00:03:24,717
that you respect her vow of silence.
69
00:03:32,060 --> 00:03:35,294
You hungry, hmm?
70
00:03:35,397 --> 00:03:38,564
We could stop at Mel's.
71
00:03:38,666 --> 00:03:40,599
Get pancakes with bacon. Huh?
72
00:03:40,701 --> 00:03:42,368
Amanda's a vegetarian now.
73
00:03:42,470 --> 00:03:44,570
- Oh, Jesus.
- It's part of her healing.
74
00:03:47,874 --> 00:03:51,910
The only way to free
your mind, body, and soul
75
00:03:52,012 --> 00:03:54,012
from old traumas
76
00:03:54,114 --> 00:03:56,481
is by making deliberate decisions
77
00:03:56,583 --> 00:04:00,018
about everything you do, say,
78
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:01,986
drink, and eat.
79
00:04:02,089 --> 00:04:05,590
Change your days, change your ways.
80
00:04:05,692 --> 00:04:08,226
Is there someplace we
could drop you? Hmm?
81
00:04:08,328 --> 00:04:10,595
I'm not here for me, Goldie.
82
00:04:10,697 --> 00:04:14,566
I'm here as a spiritual
mentor to your daughter.
83
00:04:14,668 --> 00:04:16,068
So you break her out of rehab
84
00:04:16,170 --> 00:04:17,802
so an hour later, she can get arrested
85
00:04:17,904 --> 00:04:19,904
for shoplifting and possession,
86
00:04:20,006 --> 00:04:22,339
like a regular Mahatma fucking Gandhi.
87
00:04:22,442 --> 00:04:25,409
She stole tampons and a lighter.
88
00:04:25,511 --> 00:04:28,105
We're not exactly
talking Patty Hearst here.
89
00:04:28,253 --> 00:04:29,681
Stop!
90
00:04:29,783 --> 00:04:31,082
Stop, or I swear to Christ,
91
00:04:31,184 --> 00:04:32,717
I will pull this car over
92
00:04:32,819 --> 00:04:35,319
and slap the glitter out of you.
93
00:04:42,562 --> 00:04:44,395
I see what you mean about her.
94
00:04:50,037 --> 00:04:51,670
Let me say it in English. No!
95
00:04:52,038 --> 00:04:54,237
Let me say it in Spanish. No!
96
00:04:54,339 --> 00:04:56,019
Goldie doesn't book
comics to play anywhere
97
00:04:56,075 --> 00:04:58,341
not named Goldie's, okay?
98
00:04:58,443 --> 00:05:00,010
Bye-bye!
99
00:05:02,547 --> 00:05:04,247
Ooh!
100
00:05:04,349 --> 00:05:07,350
Hey, Arnie, how often do
you get that phone call?
101
00:05:07,452 --> 00:05:08,827
All fucking day.
102
00:05:08,873 --> 00:05:11,399
And no, we can't book ourselves,
if that's what you're thinking.
103
00:05:11,423 --> 00:05:13,456
I understand why you
can't book yourself,
104
00:05:13,558 --> 00:05:14,958
because you're fucking terrible,
105
00:05:15,060 --> 00:05:16,605
one of the worst comics I've ever seen.
106
00:05:16,629 --> 00:05:18,277
But why can't I book me?
107
00:05:18,334 --> 00:05:20,644
Trust me, you don't
want to play with fire.
108
00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:22,076
Oh, that's right,
only Goldie can do that
109
00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:23,309
and get away with it, huh?
110
00:05:23,348 --> 00:05:24,981
Hey, that's a rumor,
111
00:05:25,083 --> 00:05:27,183
and we're not having this
conversation right now.
112
00:05:27,809 --> 00:05:29,376
Why are you so afraid of her?
113
00:05:29,478 --> 00:05:32,211
I don't know, Manny. Or is it Edgar?
114
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:35,140
You tell me.
115
00:05:37,678 --> 00:05:39,444
That's a fair point.
116
00:05:50,299 --> 00:05:51,898
Oh, my God.
117
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,466
Oh, hey.
118
00:05:54,568 --> 00:05:56,234
You want jam?
119
00:05:56,337 --> 00:05:58,470
I've got blueberry, huh?
120
00:06:02,618 --> 00:06:04,098
This really how you're gonna play it?
121
00:06:04,187 --> 00:06:06,787
Not a word?
122
00:06:08,991 --> 00:06:09,991
Sweetie, I...
123
00:06:11,327 --> 00:06:12,993
Don't you think I deserve
124
00:06:13,096 --> 00:06:15,730
a little follow-up discussion here?
125
00:06:15,832 --> 00:06:19,066
Your filter was gurgling,
so I added a little water.
126
00:06:19,168 --> 00:06:20,835
Nobody asked you to.
127
00:06:22,504 --> 00:06:24,071
How long is Sister Mary Freeloader
128
00:06:24,173 --> 00:06:26,071
gonna stay here, hmm?
129
00:06:26,475 --> 00:06:29,008
It's fine.
130
00:06:29,111 --> 00:06:31,278
I was prepared for the sarcasm.
131
00:06:31,380 --> 00:06:33,146
Oh, I'd be happy to quit the sarcasm
132
00:06:33,249 --> 00:06:36,116
and tell you to get the fuck
out of my house if you'd prefer.
133
00:06:37,286 --> 00:06:39,744
You really curse a lot.
134
00:06:40,922 --> 00:06:42,489
It's like a sea captain amount.
135
00:06:42,591 --> 00:06:45,292
Yeah, I'm the captain
of this fucking ship.
136
00:06:45,394 --> 00:06:47,628
I am not your enemy.
137
00:06:47,730 --> 00:06:50,196
- Oh.
- Goldie...
138
00:06:50,299 --> 00:06:52,332
I have incredible compassion for you.
139
00:06:52,434 --> 00:06:54,134
Uh... oh, you do, do you?
140
00:06:54,236 --> 00:06:57,638
I think you should know that
Amanda is very committed.
141
00:06:57,740 --> 00:06:58,804
Committed?
142
00:06:58,906 --> 00:07:01,240
To overcoming her trauma.
143
00:07:01,342 --> 00:07:04,343
What kind of trauma are
you talking about, huh?
144
00:07:04,445 --> 00:07:06,312
You know.
145
00:07:06,414 --> 00:07:08,013
What do you think you know?
146
00:07:10,351 --> 00:07:11,984
She's a child of divorce.
147
00:07:12,086 --> 00:07:14,119
Volatile home environment.
148
00:07:14,221 --> 00:07:15,954
Absentee parents.
149
00:07:16,056 --> 00:07:18,591
You know, the whole
emotional kit and caboodle.
150
00:07:19,827 --> 00:07:22,194
I'm going down to the club.
151
00:07:22,297 --> 00:07:23,996
I expect you to be here when I get back.
152
00:07:24,098 --> 00:07:26,332
Don't say a word.
153
00:07:26,434 --> 00:07:28,534
And you, you can take
your kit and caboodle
154
00:07:28,636 --> 00:07:30,936
and take a hike on the freeway.
155
00:07:34,508 --> 00:07:36,374
You and your kit and caboodle,
156
00:07:36,476 --> 00:07:38,177
you can go and take a hike.
157
00:07:45,619 --> 00:07:48,353
Yum, yum, yum.
158
00:07:48,455 --> 00:07:51,323
Oh, I make it into your diary?
159
00:07:51,425 --> 00:07:52,991
Uh, no, you know,
160
00:07:53,093 --> 00:07:56,028
I'm just, uh, working on some new stuff.
161
00:07:56,130 --> 00:07:58,997
What do you got?
162
00:07:59,099 --> 00:08:00,632
You really wanna...
163
00:08:00,734 --> 00:08:03,202
- Pretty please?
- Right.
164
00:08:03,304 --> 00:08:05,437
Let's see what we got.
165
00:08:05,539 --> 00:08:08,540
Um...
166
00:08:10,544 --> 00:08:13,911
So my mother wasn't a
very supportive woman.
167
00:08:14,013 --> 00:08:16,180
Um, one night after my act,
168
00:08:16,282 --> 00:08:17,882
she told relatives that the club owner
169
00:08:17,984 --> 00:08:19,984
presented her with a folded flag.
170
00:08:23,957 --> 00:08:26,257
What else you got?
171
00:08:27,427 --> 00:08:29,861
Uh...
172
00:08:29,963 --> 00:08:32,930
Uh, "...not very supportive."
173
00:08:33,032 --> 00:08:35,299
Uh, I asked her to tell me
about the birds and the bees,
174
00:08:35,402 --> 00:08:37,769
and she said, "Why? What's it to you?"
175
00:08:41,774 --> 00:08:42,774
What else?
176
00:08:45,077 --> 00:08:47,422
I could never seem to please
my mother no matter what I did.
177
00:08:47,446 --> 00:08:49,346
Whenever I disappointed
her, she'd scold me
178
00:08:49,448 --> 00:08:52,115
and ask why I couldn't be
more like my imaginary friend.
179
00:08:55,220 --> 00:08:56,787
What else?
180
00:08:56,889 --> 00:08:58,522
- Um...
- Move.
181
00:08:58,624 --> 00:09:00,357
Oh.
182
00:09:00,459 --> 00:09:03,026
When I was five, I-I asked
my mother if she loved me,
183
00:09:03,128 --> 00:09:04,628
and she shrugged and said,
184
00:09:04,730 --> 00:09:07,364
"'Not to play devil's advocate,
but, uh...'"
185
00:09:16,541 --> 00:09:18,474
I'm taking them for The Tonight Show.
186
00:09:21,579 --> 00:09:23,713
Uh, but...
187
00:09:23,815 --> 00:09:26,048
they're about my mother.
188
00:09:26,150 --> 00:09:28,618
A very fine lady, to be sure.
189
00:09:34,392 --> 00:09:36,325
I know what you're all thinking.
190
00:09:36,428 --> 00:09:39,862
I look like a younger, slightly
less syphilitic Ben Franklin.
191
00:09:39,964 --> 00:09:41,631
"It's Benny time!"
192
00:09:45,069 --> 00:09:47,202
- Yeah!
- All right.
193
00:09:47,305 --> 00:09:49,071
Okay.
194
00:09:49,173 --> 00:09:51,018
Can't tell you how many times
I get stopped on the street
195
00:09:51,042 --> 00:09:52,442
and thanked for inventing bifocals.
196
00:09:57,281 --> 00:09:59,748
You see, 'cause Ben Franklin
also invented bifocals.
197
00:09:59,850 --> 00:10:01,594
You know, a lot of people
think it was just electricity,
198
00:10:01,618 --> 00:10:03,096
but he actually invented a lot of shit,
199
00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:05,520
bifocals, flexible catheter.
200
00:10:12,596 --> 00:10:13,829
It's Benny time.
201
00:10:21,972 --> 00:10:24,038
All right, our next
comic you may recognize
202
00:10:24,140 --> 00:10:26,441
from him selling you
weed in the men's room.
203
00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:28,909
Señor Manny Martinez, everybody.
204
00:10:34,484 --> 00:10:36,985
Ron Shack. Let him hear it.
205
00:10:37,087 --> 00:10:39,220
The thin line between celebrity
206
00:10:39,322 --> 00:10:41,067
and being too lazy to get
up and change the channel.
207
00:10:41,091 --> 00:10:43,824
Hey, Mailman.
208
00:10:43,926 --> 00:10:46,995
Oh, wow, Roy Martin.
You hear to watch my show?
209
00:10:47,097 --> 00:10:49,364
Not yet, but I hear it's
a real piece of shit.
210
00:10:51,468 --> 00:10:53,179
Goldie tell you how I
like to be introduced?
211
00:10:53,203 --> 00:10:55,369
Uh, yes, sir.
"Roy Martin in from Vegas."
212
00:10:55,471 --> 00:10:56,781
Catch him on Carson this Friday.
213
00:10:56,805 --> 00:10:58,838
No! "Ladies and gentlemen",
214
00:10:58,940 --> 00:11:00,607
we have a special guest in the audience.
215
00:11:00,709 --> 00:11:03,243
"Let's see if we can
persuade him to come on up."
216
00:11:03,345 --> 00:11:05,879
Who's the special guest?
217
00:11:05,981 --> 00:11:08,515
I'm the special guest.
218
00:11:08,617 --> 00:11:11,385
But you... you're in the lineup.
219
00:11:11,487 --> 00:11:13,186
You know, I think the best part of you,
220
00:11:13,288 --> 00:11:15,922
your dad wiped off on the motel drapes.
221
00:11:17,826 --> 00:11:20,293
- Right, got it.
- Okay, good.
222
00:11:20,396 --> 00:11:22,436
Now let's stick a fork in
the Frito Bandito up there
223
00:11:22,531 --> 00:11:24,664
so I can get this show started.
224
00:11:24,766 --> 00:11:27,567
Anybody ever tell you you're
kind of a dick in person?
225
00:11:29,004 --> 00:11:31,082
Make sure you save me a dance.
226
00:11:32,707 --> 00:11:34,841
...in your fucking dog, first of all.
227
00:11:34,943 --> 00:11:37,010
Secondly...
228
00:11:37,111 --> 00:11:38,545
Roy Martin's a real asshole.
229
00:11:38,647 --> 00:11:40,112
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
230
00:11:40,214 --> 00:11:42,715
Track it inside...
231
00:11:42,817 --> 00:11:46,118
You don't think of the guy
who's on his hands and knees
232
00:11:46,220 --> 00:11:47,854
cleaning up the dog shit.
233
00:11:47,956 --> 00:11:49,756
You don't think about that.
234
00:11:49,858 --> 00:11:51,636
All right, you know what
should stay outside also?
235
00:11:51,660 --> 00:11:52,892
I don't want your watch.
236
00:11:52,994 --> 00:11:54,681
You wanna keep your mom. I respect that.
237
00:11:54,738 --> 00:11:55,898
No, you can have her.
238
00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:57,613
Just let me write you
more material for Carson.
239
00:11:57,637 --> 00:11:58,869
I know your voice.
240
00:11:58,894 --> 00:12:00,361
I've listened to it my entire life.
241
00:12:00,463 --> 00:12:02,463
- I have all your albums.
- I already have writers.
242
00:12:02,532 --> 00:12:06,066
And yet you gave up your
fancy watch for my jokes.
243
00:12:06,168 --> 00:12:08,401
Look, before you start polishing
244
00:12:08,503 --> 00:12:10,904
your new set of brass balls in public,
245
00:12:11,006 --> 00:12:13,874
just know I have about
40 of these watches.
246
00:12:13,976 --> 00:12:16,543
I've been smoking weed,
crank calling them nonstop.
247
00:12:16,645 --> 00:12:18,845
"Nine-one-one. What's your emergency?"
248
00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:22,248
"I'm a bad boy."
249
00:12:22,350 --> 00:12:24,751
"You're a bad boy? Is this a baby?"
250
00:12:24,853 --> 00:12:27,320
"I'm a poopy baby."
251
00:12:27,422 --> 00:12:29,622
"You're a poopy baby?
252
00:12:29,725 --> 00:12:32,059
Well, what's your
emergency, poopy baby?"
253
00:12:32,161 --> 00:12:34,127
"Uh, I went poo-poo",
254
00:12:34,229 --> 00:12:36,563
and my mommy's mad."
255
00:12:36,665 --> 00:12:38,931
"Well, why is your mommy mad?"
256
00:12:39,033 --> 00:12:41,501
"Because I'm 23
and I did it in her shoes."
257
00:12:41,603 --> 00:12:43,769
"Hello? Hello?"
258
00:12:45,740 --> 00:12:48,808
That's right.
259
00:12:48,910 --> 00:12:49,990
What are you doing up here?
260
00:12:50,078 --> 00:12:51,977
What's going on? What?
261
00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:53,424
I've been up here for,
like, three minutes.
262
00:12:53,448 --> 00:12:55,114
It's not me. It's fucking Roy Martin.
263
00:12:55,217 --> 00:12:56,882
Yeah, but I'm murdering with Poopy Baby.
264
00:12:56,984 --> 00:12:58,884
- Manslaughter at best.
- I was killing it.
265
00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:00,520
All right, everybody,
266
00:13:00,622 --> 00:13:03,323
we have got a very
special guest here tonight.
267
00:13:03,425 --> 00:13:07,093
I think you all know him.
Mr. Roy Martin!
268
00:13:07,195 --> 00:13:11,496
All right, Roy!
269
00:13:11,599 --> 00:13:13,432
Listen, let me write you ten jokes.
270
00:13:13,534 --> 00:13:15,454
If you don't like them,
I will shut up and drive.
271
00:13:17,404 --> 00:13:20,405
Let's, uh... let's see
if we can't persuade Roy
272
00:13:20,507 --> 00:13:21,841
to come up for a couple minutes.
273
00:13:21,943 --> 00:13:24,143
What do you say, Roy? You cocksucker.
274
00:13:25,780 --> 00:13:28,114
Fine, but come to my
hotel room tomorrow night.
275
00:13:28,216 --> 00:13:29,893
All right, is there anything
you want me to focus on?
276
00:13:29,917 --> 00:13:31,851
Any particular material?
Mother? Mother-in-law?
277
00:13:31,953 --> 00:13:34,686
Look, I'm giving you the shot.
Wipe your own fucking nose.
278
00:13:34,789 --> 00:13:37,189
Okay! Hello!
279
00:13:43,297 --> 00:13:45,363
Roy Martin, everybody!
280
00:14:40,286 --> 00:14:41,618
I still can't believe
281
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,420
that you got fucking Soul Train.
282
00:14:43,522 --> 00:14:44,900
- It's incredible.
- There's no way.
283
00:14:44,924 --> 00:14:46,723
Rosa Parks stayed seated for this.
284
00:14:46,826 --> 00:14:48,558
- What?
- Apparently not.
285
00:14:48,660 --> 00:14:50,471
Can you think of a better
advertisement for Afro Sheen?
286
00:14:50,495 --> 00:14:52,375
Okay, a lot of white comics
go up on Soul Train.
287
00:14:52,431 --> 00:14:54,063
I don't see what the big deal is.
288
00:14:54,165 --> 00:14:56,110
What are you talking about, you
don't see what the big deal is?
289
00:14:56,134 --> 00:14:57,612
- It's fucking Soul Train.
- It's Soul Train.
290
00:14:57,636 --> 00:14:58,646
It's a major-league gig.
291
00:14:58,670 --> 00:15:00,181
- Yeah.
- When did you even find out?
292
00:15:00,205 --> 00:15:01,382
Couple hours ago. Agent called.
293
00:15:01,406 --> 00:15:02,739
Let me ask you a question.
294
00:15:02,841 --> 00:15:04,319
Are you performing as Benny the Mailman,
295
00:15:04,343 --> 00:15:05,653
or are you performing as Ron Shack?
296
00:15:05,677 --> 00:15:07,076
What's the difference?
297
00:15:07,178 --> 00:15:08,589
Well, Benny the Mailman is a punch line.
298
00:15:08,613 --> 00:15:10,279
Ron Shack is a comic.
299
00:15:10,382 --> 00:15:11,548
Is he, though?
300
00:15:11,650 --> 00:15:12,915
- Sort of.
- Seriously?
301
00:15:13,017 --> 00:15:14,884
Is-is that the only
bullet in your barrel?
302
00:15:14,986 --> 00:15:16,631
- It's a good bullet.
- It's a really good bullet.
303
00:15:16,655 --> 00:15:18,466
- One-trick pony.
- But besides the fact,
304
00:15:18,490 --> 00:15:20,056
you should really listen to him, man.
305
00:15:20,158 --> 00:15:21,518
This is your chance to show people
306
00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:23,037
who you are as a stand-up, all right?
307
00:15:23,061 --> 00:15:25,261
Separate from Benny the fucking Mailman.
308
00:15:25,363 --> 00:15:27,262
Though fitting, not his middle name.
309
00:15:27,365 --> 00:15:29,264
- Are you going with him?
- Yeah, I'm going.
310
00:15:29,367 --> 00:15:31,734
My agent feels like I
should expand my circle,
311
00:15:31,836 --> 00:15:33,602
so I'm just going to make connections.
312
00:15:33,704 --> 00:15:35,424
And plus, the circle
doesn't have Charmaine.
313
00:15:35,506 --> 00:15:37,706
She's, like, the finest
Soul Train dancer ever.
314
00:15:37,808 --> 00:15:39,742
Oh, I'm gonna sop that
girl up with a biscuit.
315
00:15:57,261 --> 00:15:59,827
- Morning.
- Guess I'm on California time.
316
00:15:59,929 --> 00:16:01,629
- Good morning.
- Hmm.
317
00:16:01,731 --> 00:16:04,499
- Am I the last one up?
- Uh, no, that would be Jesse.
318
00:16:04,601 --> 00:16:06,379
- Aunt Cassie?
- Aunt Cassie!
319
00:16:06,403 --> 00:16:10,237
Oh, my God, you're giants!
320
00:16:10,339 --> 00:16:12,139
What'd you bring us?
321
00:16:12,241 --> 00:16:13,574
I think you mean "good morning."
322
00:16:13,676 --> 00:16:14,909
Oh, no.
323
00:16:15,011 --> 00:16:16,811
Oh, girls, I'm so sorry.
324
00:16:16,913 --> 00:16:19,013
I was supposed to get you a gift?
325
00:16:19,115 --> 00:16:20,815
Oh, no.
326
00:16:20,917 --> 00:16:23,418
But luckily I did.
327
00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:26,153
All right. Presents.
328
00:16:26,255 --> 00:16:28,790
- Yeah!
- That was a nice trick.
329
00:16:28,892 --> 00:16:30,525
A Friend From a Foreign Land!
330
00:16:30,627 --> 00:16:32,159
That's kinda what I am, huh?
331
00:16:32,261 --> 00:16:33,927
- Where's mine from?
- Thailand.
332
00:16:34,029 --> 00:16:35,673
Wasn't that sweet of
your Aunt Cassie, girls?
333
00:16:35,697 --> 00:16:37,497
Are you famous? Mommy
and Daddy said you were.
334
00:16:37,533 --> 00:16:39,098
Oh, not really, no.
335
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,834
- Are you married?
- Nope.
336
00:16:40,936 --> 00:16:42,536
- Are you rich?
- Nope.
337
00:16:42,638 --> 00:16:44,771
How big is your mansion?
338
00:16:44,873 --> 00:16:46,606
Winnie, your doll's from Sweden.
339
00:16:46,708 --> 00:16:49,208
Eat, girls, 'fore your eggs get cold!
340
00:16:49,311 --> 00:16:51,344
Jesse, let's move it!
341
00:16:51,447 --> 00:16:54,013
Craig, you're gonna be here
for the rental company, right?
342
00:16:54,115 --> 00:16:56,249
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh, Denise and Pam
343
00:16:56,351 --> 00:16:58,952
are coming for a final fitting
on our bridesmaids' dresses,
344
00:16:59,054 --> 00:17:01,020
and I'm so sorry, Cassie.
345
00:17:01,122 --> 00:17:03,723
It is a chore getting
everybody fed and on the bus.
346
00:17:03,826 --> 00:17:05,391
No, it's great.
347
00:17:05,494 --> 00:17:07,104
It's just, you're my
second tornado of the week.
348
00:17:07,128 --> 00:17:09,695
Why aren't you dressed for school?
349
00:17:09,797 --> 00:17:11,464
Look at you, little man.
350
00:17:14,001 --> 00:17:15,634
I hate eggs.
351
00:17:15,736 --> 00:17:17,837
Well, you get what you get, okay?
352
00:17:17,939 --> 00:17:19,638
Can you hug your Aunt Cassie, please?
353
00:17:19,740 --> 00:17:21,139
She just got in last night.
354
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:22,708
It's okay. He's tired.
355
00:17:22,810 --> 00:17:24,409
Tired's no excuse for rudeness.
356
00:17:24,512 --> 00:17:26,812
No!
357
00:17:30,651 --> 00:17:32,351
You can't get me.
358
00:17:32,453 --> 00:17:35,187
Uh, hey, Jess, I got you something.
359
00:17:35,289 --> 00:17:37,189
You might be too old for it now,
360
00:17:37,291 --> 00:17:39,211
but if you don't like it,
we can always return it
361
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:40,926
and get you something else.
362
00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:45,364
No way! Can I open it?
363
00:17:45,466 --> 00:17:46,898
Yeah, of course.
364
00:17:47,001 --> 00:17:49,567
Let's get in there. Yeah, all right.
365
00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:51,069
Yeah.
366
00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:52,237
Whoa-oh.
367
00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:54,406
Mom, did you see this?
368
00:17:54,508 --> 00:17:56,641
Mm.
369
00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:58,554
Don't shoot your sisters.
370
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,778
There's a box of caps in
here to make it even louder.
371
00:18:00,881 --> 00:18:02,547
Oh, by all means, make it louder.
372
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:05,017
Thank you. I love it.
373
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:22,567
Welcome home!
374
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:25,770
Last night's little sojourn
your idea or the Maharishi's?
375
00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:28,339
Let's take a step back.
376
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:32,043
Let's have a nice,
deep cleansing breath.
377
00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:34,979
That's enough, huh? Enough.
378
00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:37,281
So many windows in this house,
379
00:18:37,383 --> 00:18:38,816
yet nothing can come in.
380
00:18:38,919 --> 00:18:41,419
You did.
381
00:18:43,222 --> 00:18:44,789
Am was feeling cooped up last night,
382
00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:46,490
so we went out.
383
00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:50,326
We got stoned. We connected.
384
00:18:50,429 --> 00:18:52,395
We ate some tabbouleh at the Source.
385
00:18:52,497 --> 00:18:55,365
And that's it. No big deal.
386
00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:57,834
I'm not doing this anymore.
387
00:18:57,937 --> 00:18:59,636
I'm not playing this game.
388
00:18:59,738 --> 00:19:01,605
If you're back, I need to know
389
00:19:01,707 --> 00:19:03,306
it's to get your shit together.
390
00:19:03,408 --> 00:19:05,008
Take some classes. Get a job.
391
00:19:05,110 --> 00:19:07,277
Hell, lie by the pool
till you figure it out.
392
00:19:07,379 --> 00:19:09,446
It's okay.
393
00:19:09,548 --> 00:19:11,514
I will move heaven
and Earth to help you.
394
00:19:11,617 --> 00:19:13,784
But not knowing where you are,
395
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:15,953
if you're coming back at night,
396
00:19:16,055 --> 00:19:17,821
I'm not doing it.
397
00:19:17,923 --> 00:19:20,190
So if you think that's too much to ask,
398
00:19:20,292 --> 00:19:23,659
here's a thousand bucks.
399
00:19:23,761 --> 00:19:26,429
Do your own thing, set yourself up,
400
00:19:26,531 --> 00:19:29,599
but I am finished being
put through the wringer
401
00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:33,303
so you can find new ways
to fuck up both our lives.
402
00:19:33,405 --> 00:19:35,071
Your call, baby.
403
00:19:43,081 --> 00:19:44,614
Oh.
404
00:19:47,319 --> 00:19:51,521
- Hey.
- Um...
405
00:19:51,623 --> 00:19:53,156
That's nice.
406
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:56,359
It's like... like your
own personal peep show.
407
00:19:59,597 --> 00:20:02,431
Wow, really committed to
the whole box of crayons.
408
00:20:02,533 --> 00:20:04,566
Dressing for Soul Train
is like doing a backflip.
409
00:20:04,669 --> 00:20:06,002
If you don't fully commit,
410
00:20:06,104 --> 00:20:07,603
you're just gonna fall on your face.
411
00:20:07,705 --> 00:20:10,172
Besides, guy Charmaine
danced with last week,
412
00:20:10,274 --> 00:20:12,374
brother was wearing
a gold lamé jumpsuit.
413
00:20:12,476 --> 00:20:13,709
Two wrongs don't make a right.
414
00:20:15,312 --> 00:20:17,947
There's a science to a
black man and his clothes.
415
00:20:18,049 --> 00:20:19,448
All right?
416
00:20:19,550 --> 00:20:21,416
We couldn't live in-in
nice neighborhoods
417
00:20:21,519 --> 00:20:23,318
because of segregation.
418
00:20:23,420 --> 00:20:25,387
You had to set yourself apart somehow.
419
00:20:25,489 --> 00:20:27,556
Nice car, nice clothes.
420
00:20:27,659 --> 00:20:30,259
Look, to this day, a brother's outfit
421
00:20:30,361 --> 00:20:32,961
says everything that a black
woman needs to know about him.
422
00:20:33,063 --> 00:20:35,464
Which brings me to my next inquiry.
423
00:20:35,566 --> 00:20:38,200
I myself would like to
sleep with a black woman,
424
00:20:38,302 --> 00:20:41,136
and being on Soul Train feels
like a perfect opportunity to...
425
00:20:41,238 --> 00:20:42,871
sop that up with a biscuit.
426
00:20:42,973 --> 00:20:44,351
Uh, so I was wondering if you might have
427
00:20:44,375 --> 00:20:45,974
any tips you can give me.
428
00:20:46,076 --> 00:20:47,976
Ron, you ever hear yourself talk?
429
00:20:48,078 --> 00:20:51,079
Not really. I find that it
gets in the way of the message.
430
00:20:51,182 --> 00:20:52,947
Come on, please?
431
00:20:53,050 --> 00:20:54,849
I mean, look, I got
relatives in Tennessee.
432
00:20:54,951 --> 00:20:57,018
You wanna sleep with a
20-year-old mother of four
433
00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:59,988
that signs her Christmas cards
with a X, I can set that up.
434
00:21:00,090 --> 00:21:02,324
No, I'm good, but we do need to worry
435
00:21:02,426 --> 00:21:04,293
about the material
that you're gonna use.
436
00:21:04,395 --> 00:21:06,338
I had the writers from the
show send some jokes over.
437
00:21:06,362 --> 00:21:08,362
Oh, lay it on me.
438
00:21:13,603 --> 00:21:16,470
My character's really
popular with mailmen.
439
00:21:16,573 --> 00:21:19,874
When my mailman asked me to
sign for a package, he said,
440
00:21:19,976 --> 00:21:21,854
"'Make it out to Jerry,
Thelma, and the twins.'"
441
00:21:21,878 --> 00:21:25,180
What are you doing?
442
00:21:25,281 --> 00:21:27,281
Oh, I'm calling to cancel for you.
443
00:21:27,383 --> 00:21:29,550
Come on, man, that's the
bullshit you're gonna use?
444
00:21:29,652 --> 00:21:31,119
Benny the Mailman?
445
00:21:31,221 --> 00:21:33,354
I mean, I got some of
my own stuff, but...
446
00:21:33,456 --> 00:21:35,623
I don't know, it's kinda out there.
447
00:21:35,726 --> 00:21:37,025
Okay, well, what's out there
448
00:21:37,127 --> 00:21:38,571
has to be way better
than what's in here.
449
00:21:38,595 --> 00:21:40,327
So let's hear it.
450
00:21:40,429 --> 00:21:43,330
All right.
451
00:21:43,432 --> 00:21:45,966
Um...
452
00:21:46,068 --> 00:21:47,801
so it was confusing as a kid
453
00:21:47,903 --> 00:21:49,803
moving from Tennessee to Boston.
454
00:21:49,905 --> 00:21:52,065
Like, when my teacher told
me that the Boston Tea Party
455
00:21:52,108 --> 00:21:54,975
was a protest against
the king, I was shocked.
456
00:21:55,077 --> 00:21:56,643
I thought she was talking about Elvis.
457
00:21:56,746 --> 00:21:58,378
So I asked her,
458
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,391
"Well, shouldn't they be
throwing prescription pills
459
00:22:00,415 --> 00:22:02,615
or peanut butter and banana
sandwiches into the harbor?"
460
00:22:02,651 --> 00:22:03,851
That's it. That's it. Come on.
461
00:22:03,919 --> 00:22:05,719
Okay, how 'bout this?
462
00:22:05,821 --> 00:22:08,622
I've been working on this
all-white version of the blues.
463
00:22:08,724 --> 00:22:10,791
It's about pain and suffering
464
00:22:10,893 --> 00:22:13,093
and ruling the world.
465
00:22:13,195 --> 00:22:15,161
Yes, that's what I'm talking about!
466
00:22:15,263 --> 00:22:17,496
- That's solid.
- Yeah?
467
00:22:17,598 --> 00:22:20,366
Now it's Ron time.
468
00:22:21,803 --> 00:22:23,069
So this black girl thing...
469
00:22:23,171 --> 00:22:24,837
You're on your own.
470
00:22:24,939 --> 00:22:27,373
Ahh.
471
00:22:31,345 --> 00:22:33,423
Cass, I'm really sad we're
not gonna meet your Eddie.
472
00:22:33,447 --> 00:22:36,883
Yeah, Denise was hoping
that you bringing a plus-one
473
00:22:36,985 --> 00:22:39,518
would take the focus away
from the bride being pregnant.
474
00:22:40,989 --> 00:22:42,521
So, uh, tell us more
475
00:22:42,623 --> 00:22:44,556
about this fictional guy you're dating.
476
00:22:44,659 --> 00:22:47,026
Well, he is very real,
477
00:22:47,128 --> 00:22:50,361
unlike your long-distance
relationship, Brock Rexford.
478
00:22:50,463 --> 00:22:52,230
He may be made up,
479
00:22:52,332 --> 00:22:54,465
but he's still the best lay I ever had.
480
00:22:54,567 --> 00:22:57,635
Eddie's... he's really sweet,
481
00:22:57,737 --> 00:22:59,570
and he loves me,
482
00:22:59,673 --> 00:23:01,807
and he definitely would be here,
483
00:23:01,909 --> 00:23:05,143
but he just started
working for Roy Martin.
484
00:23:05,245 --> 00:23:07,512
Roy Martin.
485
00:23:09,149 --> 00:23:12,050
Is he that tall guy
that makes the funny faces?
486
00:23:12,152 --> 00:23:14,286
- Oh, him.
- Oh, you know who...
487
00:23:14,387 --> 00:23:15,954
- Well, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
488
00:23:16,056 --> 00:23:17,455
But he does a lot more than that.
489
00:23:17,557 --> 00:23:19,002
- Oh, wow.
- He plays Vegas and...
490
00:23:19,026 --> 00:23:20,425
- Oh, that's a big deal.
- Oh, wow.
491
00:23:20,527 --> 00:23:21,827
Sort of a big deal, but yeah...
492
00:23:21,929 --> 00:23:23,461
- But that's him.
- Right.
493
00:23:23,563 --> 00:23:25,596
Pam, who you bringing
now that you're single?
494
00:23:25,699 --> 00:23:28,766
Ugh, not single. Divorced.
495
00:23:28,868 --> 00:23:30,401
But I'm not bitching.
496
00:23:30,503 --> 00:23:31,902
Larry did give me Georgia
497
00:23:32,004 --> 00:23:34,372
and stretch marks
498
00:23:34,474 --> 00:23:37,141
and a bladder that can't barely
hang on to a simple sneeze.
499
00:23:37,243 --> 00:23:39,410
And you're next, Denise.
500
00:23:39,512 --> 00:23:41,512
Oh, that reminds me. I need
that paperwork, Denise.
501
00:23:41,581 --> 00:23:43,559
Oh, it's all filled out. I'll give it
to you when we're done.
502
00:23:43,583 --> 00:23:45,249
What paperwork? Denise's dowry?
503
00:23:45,352 --> 00:23:46,751
How many chickens we up to?
504
00:23:46,853 --> 00:23:48,686
No, it's just some legal stuff.
505
00:23:48,788 --> 00:23:51,088
Um, now that me and
Roger are getting married,
506
00:23:51,190 --> 00:23:52,990
Sara's making us guardians of the kids
507
00:23:53,092 --> 00:23:55,125
just in case something should happen.
508
00:24:03,502 --> 00:24:06,636
Sounds like a smart thing to do.
509
00:24:17,750 --> 00:24:19,516
Cassie.
510
00:24:19,618 --> 00:24:22,719
It doesn't change anything, okay?
511
00:24:22,821 --> 00:24:25,455
Jesse and the girls are still
gonna know you and love you,
512
00:24:25,557 --> 00:24:27,156
and you can see them whenever you want.
513
00:24:27,259 --> 00:24:28,358
It's fine.
514
00:24:28,460 --> 00:24:31,227
I-I-I get it.
515
00:24:31,329 --> 00:24:33,196
"Stable" is not a
word that comes to mind
516
00:24:33,298 --> 00:24:35,564
when you think about my life,
and plus, you and Craig
517
00:24:35,666 --> 00:24:37,166
aren't dying anytime soon anyway,
518
00:24:37,269 --> 00:24:39,903
so doesn't even matter.
519
00:24:40,005 --> 00:24:43,639
Plus, you're doing exactly what
you always dreamed of doing.
520
00:24:43,741 --> 00:24:45,341
Dreams.
521
00:24:45,443 --> 00:24:47,977
Aren't those the things you're
supposed to wake up from?
522
00:24:48,079 --> 00:24:50,746
You're gonna be big.
523
00:24:50,848 --> 00:24:53,082
Craig and I were talking
about it just the other night.
524
00:24:53,184 --> 00:24:55,418
Did you even consider me?
525
00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:57,353
Even for a second?
526
00:24:57,455 --> 00:24:59,389
Cassie.
527
00:25:02,127 --> 00:25:05,093
Don't make me feel bad about this.
528
00:25:05,195 --> 00:25:09,731
You are doing what nobody else
we know has the guts to do.
529
00:25:09,833 --> 00:25:12,367
Honey, and we are rooting for you.
530
00:25:16,873 --> 00:25:18,040
We are.
531
00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:47,969
So breathe in slowly.
532
00:25:48,071 --> 00:25:49,771
And exhale.
533
00:25:49,873 --> 00:25:51,739
And just let it all go.
534
00:26:37,553 --> 00:26:41,822
Can somebody get that, please?
535
00:26:55,237 --> 00:26:56,369
Yeah?
536
00:26:56,471 --> 00:26:58,839
Sorry. Uh, is this Roy Martin's room?
537
00:26:58,941 --> 00:27:01,508
Hey, Roy, your hooker's here.
538
00:27:01,610 --> 00:27:03,276
You might want to dim the lights.
539
00:27:03,378 --> 00:27:05,245
Not a looker.
540
00:27:07,315 --> 00:27:09,449
- Hey...
- Again?
541
00:27:09,552 --> 00:27:11,484
- A nine, king...
- Check it.
542
00:27:11,587 --> 00:27:14,021
Check around. Go. You don't want that.
543
00:27:14,122 --> 00:27:16,823
Nice belt buckle.
544
00:27:16,926 --> 00:27:18,358
Thank you. Holy shit.
545
00:27:18,460 --> 00:27:20,861
- Tom Shackman.
- Is that who that is?
546
00:27:20,963 --> 00:27:24,463
Alan Lucas. I got all your albums.
547
00:27:24,566 --> 00:27:26,331
- Can't return 'em.
- What about me?
548
00:27:26,434 --> 00:27:28,400
You're the guy who
opened the fucking door.
549
00:27:28,502 --> 00:27:30,614
That's right. Without me,
he's still in the fucking hallway.
550
00:27:30,638 --> 00:27:32,137
You got something for me?
551
00:27:32,239 --> 00:27:33,584
What are these, cheese doodles?
What's a cheese doodle?
552
00:27:33,608 --> 00:27:36,075
Yeah, uh, you want it now?
553
00:27:36,177 --> 00:27:37,577
No, Valentine's Day.
554
00:27:37,679 --> 00:27:39,122
That way, we can do it by candlelight.
555
00:27:39,146 --> 00:27:41,146
Of course I want it fucking now.
556
00:27:41,248 --> 00:27:43,348
Oh, okay.
557
00:27:43,451 --> 00:27:45,517
Yeah, I... so I-I just...
I riffed on some topics
558
00:27:45,620 --> 00:27:47,687
you, um, tend to gravitate towards,
559
00:27:47,789 --> 00:27:49,521
like money problems,
depression, ex-wives.
560
00:27:49,624 --> 00:27:51,234
Hey, look, we don't need
the fucking foreplay, kid.
561
00:27:51,258 --> 00:27:52,858
Just put your dick in and move.
562
00:27:52,961 --> 00:27:55,461
The autobiography of Roy Martin,
ladies and gentlemen.
563
00:27:55,563 --> 00:27:57,062
It's a worst-seller.
564
00:27:57,164 --> 00:27:59,364
My, uh... my psychiatrist
has me on so many pills
565
00:27:59,467 --> 00:28:01,866
for depression, when
I go to the drugstore,
566
00:28:01,969 --> 00:28:03,713
the pharmacist asks if I
need help out to my car.
567
00:28:03,737 --> 00:28:05,270
Way too long, kid.
568
00:28:05,372 --> 00:28:07,672
How 'bout my psychiatrist
gave me a prescription
569
00:28:07,774 --> 00:28:10,309
for a noose and a bucket.
570
00:28:10,411 --> 00:28:12,131
- That's punching it up?
- Way too terrible.
571
00:28:12,213 --> 00:28:13,878
How 'bout this? I spend so much time
572
00:28:13,981 --> 00:28:17,649
at my psychiatrist's,
he bought a pull-out couch.
573
00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:21,520
So I could sleep there.
574
00:28:21,622 --> 00:28:23,822
Put a sheet over it.
Time of death, 9:18.
575
00:28:23,924 --> 00:28:26,391
Who doesn't love a joke
that comes with instructions?
576
00:28:26,494 --> 00:28:29,995
That is the exact reason why
you toil in relative obscurity.
577
00:28:30,097 --> 00:28:31,529
Allow me.
578
00:28:31,632 --> 00:28:33,409
- No, no, no, don't do it.
- Oh, don't.
579
00:28:33,433 --> 00:28:35,433
- Ohh!
- Fuck it.
580
00:28:35,535 --> 00:28:37,201
Bunt single. What else you got?
581
00:28:37,303 --> 00:28:39,104
My gambling has gotten so bad,
582
00:28:39,205 --> 00:28:41,350
I made a bet with my bookie on
how many swings it would take
583
00:28:41,374 --> 00:28:42,540
to break my legs.
584
00:28:42,643 --> 00:28:44,275
- Okay.
- I like that one.
585
00:28:44,377 --> 00:28:45,644
Hey, hey.
586
00:28:45,746 --> 00:28:47,090
Okay, we're building something here.
587
00:28:47,114 --> 00:28:48,446
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
588
00:28:48,548 --> 00:28:51,049
Oh, a little close to home.
What else you got?
589
00:28:51,151 --> 00:28:53,118
Uh, you know you have a gambling problem
590
00:28:53,219 --> 00:28:54,719
when you go to the dog track
591
00:28:54,821 --> 00:28:56,298
and a greyhound brings
you the newspaper.
592
00:28:56,322 --> 00:28:58,056
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
593
00:28:58,158 --> 00:28:59,758
We have a gunfighter on our hands.
594
00:28:59,860 --> 00:29:01,059
- I like it.
- Huh?
595
00:29:01,161 --> 00:29:02,626
Hey, Phil, give him your chair.
596
00:29:02,728 --> 00:29:04,995
Why do I have to give?
I got the fucking door.
597
00:29:05,097 --> 00:29:07,397
God damn it. Here.
598
00:29:07,499 --> 00:29:10,701
All right, I'll be over
there fucking myself.
599
00:29:10,803 --> 00:29:11,803
Sit down, Eddie.
600
00:29:13,372 --> 00:29:15,205
What else you got?
601
00:29:15,307 --> 00:29:17,474
Apparently the short stack.
602
00:29:17,576 --> 00:29:18,976
Yeah.
603
00:29:19,078 --> 00:29:20,644
Are you bombing?
604
00:29:20,746 --> 00:29:22,124
Well, different city every night.
605
00:29:22,148 --> 00:29:24,114
Beauty of being on the road.
606
00:29:24,216 --> 00:29:26,294
Well, I'm bombing here in Wink,
and I'm not even performing.
607
00:29:26,318 --> 00:29:28,052
Is there a word for bombing in life?
608
00:29:28,154 --> 00:29:29,631
There sure fucking is. He's right here.
609
00:29:29,655 --> 00:29:31,655
Bill, we talking about you. It's Cassie.
610
00:29:31,757 --> 00:29:33,234
Oh, tell her I loved the comedy special,
611
00:29:33,258 --> 00:29:35,425
especially the bit about
the cow on the roof.
612
00:29:35,527 --> 00:29:37,727
Oh, my favorite part was
all the dead parishioners.
613
00:29:37,829 --> 00:29:39,962
- Jesus Christ.
- I'm just kidding.
614
00:29:40,065 --> 00:29:41,441
Hey, you know, the same
shit happened to Dorothy,
615
00:29:41,465 --> 00:29:42,932
and, uh, she turned out all right.
616
00:29:43,034 --> 00:29:45,702
Yeah, but she wanted to go home.
617
00:29:45,804 --> 00:29:47,369
Damn, that bad, huh?
618
00:29:47,471 --> 00:29:49,005
Well, it's like It's a Wonderful Life
619
00:29:49,107 --> 00:29:50,818
where the happy ending
is George Bailey drowning
620
00:29:50,842 --> 00:29:52,842
before Clarence sticks
his big, fat nose in.
621
00:29:52,944 --> 00:29:55,244
Maybe don't go to the wedding.
622
00:29:55,346 --> 00:29:58,981
Eh, it's in my sister's backyard.
623
00:29:59,084 --> 00:30:00,917
My sister-cousin.
624
00:30:01,019 --> 00:30:03,519
When my parents died... whatever.
625
00:30:03,621 --> 00:30:05,822
I-I'm in the wedding. I'm staying here.
626
00:30:05,924 --> 00:30:07,857
So I gotta go to it.
627
00:30:07,959 --> 00:30:10,292
Hey, is pee-wee with you?
628
00:30:10,394 --> 00:30:12,494
You got off your ass and
came to the phone for that?
629
00:30:12,597 --> 00:30:14,197
I was going to take a dump anyway,
630
00:30:14,265 --> 00:30:15,875
and I usually kiss Ralph
before I go poop.
631
00:30:15,899 --> 00:30:17,633
- Oh! Come on.
- My little baby.
632
00:30:17,735 --> 00:30:19,702
- How'd you find us?
- Your manager.
633
00:30:19,803 --> 00:30:21,337
How did you get him on the phone?
634
00:30:21,439 --> 00:30:23,183
That fucker hasn't
returned my call in a week.
635
00:30:23,207 --> 00:30:24,585
Maybe stop telling his receptionist
636
00:30:24,609 --> 00:30:25,674
it's you when you call.
637
00:30:25,776 --> 00:30:27,109
Very funny. How's Wink?
638
00:30:27,211 --> 00:30:28,677
Great if you're into
639
00:30:28,779 --> 00:30:30,290
the constant pitter-patter
of little feet.
640
00:30:30,314 --> 00:30:31,758
I thought you said Eddie
wasn't with you.
641
00:30:31,782 --> 00:30:33,449
- My God.
- Oh, come on.
642
00:30:33,551 --> 00:30:35,229
You have no one to blame
but yourself on that one.
643
00:30:35,253 --> 00:30:36,253
All right, here's Ralph.
644
00:30:36,354 --> 00:30:38,887
Sorry about that.
645
00:30:38,989 --> 00:30:40,789
We've been on the road way too long.
646
00:30:40,891 --> 00:30:43,392
Oh, I missed you jerk-offs.
647
00:30:45,562 --> 00:30:49,397
All right, well, I should go.
648
00:30:49,499 --> 00:30:51,232
Everyone's already asleep,
649
00:30:51,334 --> 00:30:53,868
'cause everyone goes
to bed at eight in Wink.
650
00:30:53,970 --> 00:30:56,404
What else is there to do?
It's fucking Wink.
651
00:31:03,980 --> 00:31:06,681
Say good night to everybody for me.
652
00:31:08,285 --> 00:31:10,084
All right.
653
00:32:12,648 --> 00:32:14,113
Oh, my God.
654
00:32:14,216 --> 00:32:15,982
Think I've died and
went to black heaven.
655
00:32:16,084 --> 00:32:17,784
- Oh, please don't dance.
- Too eager?
656
00:32:17,886 --> 00:32:19,886
- No, too damn embarrassing.
- Right.
657
00:32:19,988 --> 00:32:21,120
Ron Shack?
658
00:32:21,223 --> 00:32:22,922
Oh, she said that like a question.
659
00:32:23,024 --> 00:32:25,491
Shut up. Hi, uh, I'm Ron Shack.
660
00:32:25,593 --> 00:32:27,538
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to have you on the show.
661
00:32:27,562 --> 00:32:29,195
I'm Gloria, one of the producers.
662
00:32:29,297 --> 00:32:30,997
I apologize, when I saw you,
663
00:32:31,099 --> 00:32:33,066
I just... all I could
think of was Benny.
664
00:32:33,168 --> 00:32:35,534
No, don't worry
about it. Happens every day.
665
00:32:35,636 --> 00:32:38,571
Uh, this is my dear, dear friend...
666
00:32:38,673 --> 00:32:41,640
You'd almost call him my brother...
Adam.
667
00:32:41,743 --> 00:32:44,410
- How you doing? Adam.
- Proteau. I know who you are.
668
00:32:44,512 --> 00:32:46,379
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
669
00:32:46,481 --> 00:32:48,014
Mind Your Damn Business.
670
00:32:48,116 --> 00:32:50,216
You listened to my album?
671
00:32:50,318 --> 00:32:52,651
Yeah, we all have, been
passing it around the office.
672
00:32:52,754 --> 00:32:54,087
You're really talented.
673
00:32:54,189 --> 00:32:55,554
We need to have you on the show.
674
00:32:55,656 --> 00:32:57,023
- Yeah.
- Hey now.
675
00:32:57,125 --> 00:32:58,358
Love your album, man.
676
00:32:58,459 --> 00:32:59,702
White people's only black friend?
677
00:32:59,726 --> 00:33:01,026
Hey, that's some funny shit.
678
00:33:01,128 --> 00:33:02,761
Right on. Thank you, man.
679
00:33:02,863 --> 00:33:04,162
Look, see, I got a friend.
680
00:33:04,265 --> 00:33:05,830
He's not my only black friend.
681
00:33:05,933 --> 00:33:08,300
'Cause, uh, I'm on a...
I'm on a black show.
682
00:33:08,402 --> 00:33:10,035
Not this show, not this show.
683
00:33:10,137 --> 00:33:12,382
- Uh, different black show. Uh...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
684
00:33:12,406 --> 00:33:13,838
- Benny time.
- Yeah, right on.
685
00:33:13,941 --> 00:33:15,774
Funny bit.
686
00:33:15,876 --> 00:33:17,542
- Yeah, uh, Christine.
- Yeah?
687
00:33:17,644 --> 00:33:19,404
Will you take Ron to
hair and makeup, please?
688
00:33:19,479 --> 00:33:20,757
Christine will take care of you, baby.
689
00:33:20,781 --> 00:33:22,281
Oh, great.
690
00:33:22,383 --> 00:33:24,950
- Come on.
- Hi, Christine.
691
00:33:28,755 --> 00:33:30,800
You know, it must be nice
making a little bit of money
692
00:33:30,824 --> 00:33:32,690
at your age.
693
00:33:32,793 --> 00:33:34,504
Just make sure you don't
blow it all on nice threads.
694
00:33:34,528 --> 00:33:36,060
You understand?
695
00:33:36,162 --> 00:33:38,530
Be honest, these are all
the nice threads that I own.
696
00:33:38,632 --> 00:33:40,398
I ain't seen dime one yet.
697
00:33:40,500 --> 00:33:43,100
Man. You know...
698
00:33:43,202 --> 00:33:45,537
I was in the record business
ten years before this.
699
00:33:45,639 --> 00:33:48,239
Doesn't sound right,
but familiar, though.
700
00:33:48,341 --> 00:33:50,909
Yeah, producer said it
didn't sell like they hoped.
701
00:33:51,010 --> 00:33:52,777
- Really?
- Yeah, so maybe
702
00:33:52,879 --> 00:33:54,824
you and your friends can stop
passing it around the office
703
00:33:54,848 --> 00:33:57,081
and buy your own copy.
704
00:33:59,686 --> 00:34:02,487
No, I'm just playing.
705
00:34:10,437 --> 00:34:12,704
- He's coming!
- Come on!
706
00:34:22,374 --> 00:34:24,207
I'm afraid the single-man buffet's
707
00:34:24,309 --> 00:34:25,509
a little light on quality.
708
00:34:25,611 --> 00:34:27,377
- Hmm.
- Some slim pickings.
709
00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:29,279
Hmm, well, I'm dating
someone these days,
710
00:34:29,381 --> 00:34:31,047
so I was gonna sit this one out.
711
00:34:31,149 --> 00:34:32,950
Good, because I thought
if I had to compete
712
00:34:33,051 --> 00:34:36,653
with both you and Pam, I know
I'd be taking home the bronze.
713
00:34:36,755 --> 00:34:38,655
And I do not want the bronze.
714
00:34:38,757 --> 00:34:40,290
Don't sell yourself short, Janice.
715
00:34:40,392 --> 00:34:41,924
He too young for you?
716
00:34:42,027 --> 00:34:43,826
Oh, man. No, too old.
717
00:34:48,233 --> 00:34:51,301
Oh, I had so much to live for.
718
00:34:51,403 --> 00:34:53,336
You're fun.
719
00:34:53,438 --> 00:34:54,871
You're fun.
720
00:34:54,973 --> 00:34:57,040
I like the smell of caps.
721
00:34:57,142 --> 00:34:59,209
Mmm, smoky.
722
00:34:59,311 --> 00:35:01,611
Hey, I wanted to tell you something.
723
00:35:01,713 --> 00:35:03,213
Can I get more caps?
724
00:35:03,315 --> 00:35:05,581
Yeah, we can go to
the drugstore tomorrow,
725
00:35:05,683 --> 00:35:07,617
get you some caps.
726
00:35:07,719 --> 00:35:10,753
Listen, I-I'm sorry I
haven't been around more.
727
00:35:10,855 --> 00:35:13,456
It's hard to get back
here because of my job.
728
00:35:13,558 --> 00:35:15,758
Do you know what I do?
729
00:35:15,860 --> 00:35:18,060
- Tell jokes?
- Yeah.
730
00:35:18,162 --> 00:35:20,462
It's a little bit more
than that, but yeah,
731
00:35:20,565 --> 00:35:21,964
I tell jokes.
732
00:35:22,066 --> 00:35:23,465
I had to go far away to do it,
733
00:35:23,568 --> 00:35:24,834
find people to listen.
734
00:35:24,936 --> 00:35:26,268
Kinda seems like a silly job.
735
00:35:26,370 --> 00:35:29,171
Yeah, I guess...
736
00:35:29,273 --> 00:35:31,440
I guess it is a little bit silly.
737
00:35:31,543 --> 00:35:34,777
I would love for you to come
hear me tell jokes one day.
738
00:35:34,879 --> 00:35:36,278
Would you like to do that?
739
00:35:36,380 --> 00:35:38,981
I don't know. What time?
740
00:35:39,083 --> 00:35:41,216
I guess when you're older,
741
00:35:41,318 --> 00:35:43,485
you could come stay
with me and we could go...
742
00:35:43,588 --> 00:35:47,222
No, the caps. What time
tomorrow can we get my caps?
743
00:35:47,324 --> 00:35:50,092
You can barely see my
six-shooters under my jacket.
744
00:35:50,194 --> 00:35:52,194
Nobody knows.
745
00:35:52,296 --> 00:35:55,264
You're not gonna tell, are you?
746
00:35:55,366 --> 00:35:57,366
Not a chance.
747
00:36:16,019 --> 00:36:18,954
- Uh-huh.
- Oh! Oh, yeah.
748
00:36:19,056 --> 00:36:22,324
I didn't think you came here
just to escort that white boy.
749
00:36:22,426 --> 00:36:24,792
Oh, no, I'm just here
for peace, love, and soul.
750
00:36:24,894 --> 00:36:26,360
I see.
751
00:36:26,463 --> 00:36:27,806
You know, every week,
there's somebody here
752
00:36:27,830 --> 00:36:29,697
trying to impress Charmaine.
753
00:36:29,799 --> 00:36:31,632
And it never works.
754
00:36:31,734 --> 00:36:34,202
Got any tips other
than "just don't try"?
755
00:36:41,611 --> 00:36:44,112
She's into astrology,
so if you wanna win her over,
756
00:36:44,214 --> 00:36:46,158
you just talk to her about
her birthday and her sign,
757
00:36:46,182 --> 00:36:48,142
because that's all she
really likes to talk about.
758
00:36:48,218 --> 00:36:50,118
Oh, whoa, we actually going over there?
759
00:36:50,220 --> 00:36:51,952
Yes, why? What, is shy your new game?
760
00:36:52,054 --> 00:36:53,454
I've heard your comedy.
761
00:36:53,556 --> 00:36:54,876
That's the man she needs to meet.
762
00:36:54,924 --> 00:36:56,457
- And are you a Libra?
- No.
763
00:36:56,559 --> 00:36:58,104
Well, you are tonight,
'cause that's all she likes.
764
00:36:58,128 --> 00:37:01,361
Charmaine, Hi. This is Adam Proteau,
765
00:37:01,463 --> 00:37:03,263
a very talented up-and-coming comic
766
00:37:03,365 --> 00:37:04,898
who's just released his first album.
767
00:37:05,001 --> 00:37:07,001
Hmm. You on today's show?
768
00:37:07,103 --> 00:37:10,203
Uh... um...
769
00:37:10,305 --> 00:37:14,074
No, we can't afford him,
but maybe someday.
770
00:37:14,176 --> 00:37:15,776
And he's into astrology, so...
771
00:37:15,878 --> 00:37:17,678
I thought you two should meet.
772
00:37:17,780 --> 00:37:19,046
Mm.
773
00:37:22,451 --> 00:37:24,451
No, that's what you said.
774
00:37:24,553 --> 00:37:26,954
I asked him to leave.
775
00:37:27,056 --> 00:37:29,556
Yes. Yes, I did.
776
00:37:29,659 --> 00:37:31,291
No...
777
00:37:31,393 --> 00:37:33,460
No, you didn't.
778
00:37:33,562 --> 00:37:36,062
No, you didn't. No, we can't go back.
779
00:37:36,165 --> 00:37:38,865
Who are you talking to?
780
00:37:38,967 --> 00:37:41,268
Her dad.
781
00:37:41,370 --> 00:37:43,936
Uh, I-I have to go.
782
00:37:44,039 --> 00:37:46,706
Oh.
783
00:37:46,808 --> 00:37:51,144
So this vow of silence shit
is just for my benefit, huh?
784
00:37:51,246 --> 00:37:53,480
Her issue isn't with Sid.
785
00:37:53,582 --> 00:37:55,114
Get the fuck out!
786
00:38:15,536 --> 00:38:17,869
What are you doing here, hmm?
787
00:38:20,107 --> 00:38:21,773
Some kind of vendetta?
788
00:38:21,875 --> 00:38:23,609
Or is it a game?
789
00:38:23,711 --> 00:38:25,844
'Cause it sure feels like a game.
790
00:38:25,946 --> 00:38:27,446
Hmm?
791
00:38:27,548 --> 00:38:30,916
You and Anne Bancroft playing charades?
792
00:38:31,018 --> 00:38:33,018
Or is it some kind of
Chinese water torture,
793
00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:36,222
drip, drip, drip on my
forehead till I go fucking nuts?
794
00:38:38,593 --> 00:38:40,559
What do you want?
795
00:38:40,661 --> 00:38:42,260
You want an apology?
796
00:38:42,362 --> 00:38:44,763
Is that what this
pathetic display is about?
797
00:38:46,166 --> 00:38:47,699
Little baby Amanda
798
00:38:47,801 --> 00:38:49,567
wants an apology from her mommy, huh?
799
00:38:49,669 --> 00:38:51,069
Huh? Huh?
800
00:38:51,171 --> 00:38:54,672
Well, I am fucking sorry, Mandy...
801
00:38:54,775 --> 00:38:58,210
that your childhood wasn't
everything you hoped for.
802
00:38:58,311 --> 00:38:59,778
I was there too, you know?
803
00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:01,847
Eating eggs three meals
a day after he left,
804
00:39:01,949 --> 00:39:03,548
and he gets the phone call?
805
00:39:03,650 --> 00:39:07,018
He gets to hear you talk, laugh?
806
00:39:07,121 --> 00:39:10,789
I'm the one who's
owed a fucking apology.
807
00:39:10,891 --> 00:39:13,158
I had no one to bail me out.
808
00:39:13,260 --> 00:39:15,360
You try living under that.
809
00:39:15,462 --> 00:39:17,862
You try getting out of bed with
the world on your shoulders,
810
00:39:17,964 --> 00:39:20,365
two cents in your pocket,
and a crying kid
811
00:39:20,467 --> 00:39:22,032
who keeps asking where Daddy is
812
00:39:22,135 --> 00:39:23,735
and why do we have to eat in the dark,
813
00:39:23,836 --> 00:39:26,904
when keeping the goddamn
lights on took a distant second
814
00:39:27,006 --> 00:39:30,241
to everything else you needed.
815
00:39:30,343 --> 00:39:33,311
I am sorry that I wasn't
there for you more.
816
00:39:33,413 --> 00:39:37,482
I am so sorry that I
built a life for you
817
00:39:37,584 --> 00:39:39,517
that split me in two.
818
00:39:39,619 --> 00:39:42,587
I'm sorry that I didn't
build those butterfly wings
819
00:39:42,689 --> 00:39:44,989
for the school play, or I'm sorry that,
820
00:39:45,091 --> 00:39:47,124
Mrs. Foulihan took you to the hospital
821
00:39:47,226 --> 00:39:48,826
when you broke your little arm.
822
00:39:48,928 --> 00:39:51,162
I am sorry for all that
823
00:39:51,264 --> 00:39:54,265
and the entire bag
of goods they sell you
824
00:39:54,366 --> 00:39:56,901
to define what makes a good mother.
825
00:39:57,003 --> 00:39:58,102
I am sorry.
826
00:39:58,204 --> 00:40:01,405
I am so fucking sorry.
827
00:40:01,507 --> 00:40:04,641
I'm sorry for all of it
828
00:40:04,743 --> 00:40:06,944
and none of it.
829
00:40:08,681 --> 00:40:11,315
Can you understand that?
830
00:40:11,417 --> 00:40:14,051
Can you?
831
00:40:14,153 --> 00:40:15,385
I'm so...
832
00:40:15,487 --> 00:40:20,324
I'm so fucking sorry.
833
00:40:20,426 --> 00:40:23,493
I'm so fucking sorry.
834
00:40:26,432 --> 00:40:29,132
Don't. Don't.
835
00:40:41,580 --> 00:40:44,715
I'm a firm believer in
astrological compatibility.
836
00:40:44,817 --> 00:40:46,650
Yeah.
837
00:40:46,752 --> 00:40:48,719
Yeah, me too. As-as a Libra,
838
00:40:48,821 --> 00:40:51,488
I find that to be very, very important.
839
00:40:51,590 --> 00:40:53,957
Libra?
840
00:40:54,059 --> 00:40:55,625
Ahhh!
841
00:40:55,728 --> 00:40:59,195
Fire sign, Sagittarius. I love Libras.
842
00:40:59,297 --> 00:41:01,564
Air and fire are perfect together.
843
00:41:01,666 --> 00:41:03,233
- No doubt.
- Mm-hmm.
844
00:41:03,335 --> 00:41:04,901
Yeah, so-so when's your birthday?
845
00:41:05,003 --> 00:41:06,569
Thanksgiving.
846
00:41:06,671 --> 00:41:08,404
Whoa! Okay.
847
00:41:08,506 --> 00:41:10,573
So when-when is Thanksgiving this year?
848
00:41:10,675 --> 00:41:11,908
Thursday.
849
00:41:12,010 --> 00:41:13,977
Yeah, I mean, what's the date?
850
00:41:14,079 --> 00:41:17,180
'Cause Thanksgiving falls on
a different day every year.
851
00:41:17,282 --> 00:41:19,482
No, it's always on Thursday.
852
00:41:19,584 --> 00:41:22,218
Right. Um, yeah...
853
00:41:22,320 --> 00:41:23,987
Yeah, but Thursday isn't a day.
854
00:41:24,089 --> 00:41:25,821
I mean, it's a day of the week,
855
00:41:25,924 --> 00:41:28,091
but birthdays got a
number attached to them.
856
00:41:28,193 --> 00:41:31,493
No, it's always the same day,
just like Easter Sunday.
857
00:41:36,833 --> 00:41:40,402
Oh, you're really pretty.
858
00:41:53,750 --> 00:41:56,451
Well, so he's-he's recently divorced,
859
00:41:56,553 --> 00:41:58,253
he's got no kids,
860
00:41:58,355 --> 00:42:00,233
and I hope he's not
expecting any from me, right?
861
00:42:00,257 --> 00:42:01,756
'Cause this shop is closed.
862
00:42:01,858 --> 00:42:02,925
Mm.
863
00:42:03,027 --> 00:42:04,793
He does seem to like his bottle.
864
00:42:04,895 --> 00:42:07,094
But he's an eye doctor. Ka-ching.
865
00:42:07,196 --> 00:42:08,896
I'm willing to overlook all that, right?
866
00:42:08,998 --> 00:42:11,765
- He's perfect for me.
- Mm-hmm.
867
00:42:11,867 --> 00:42:15,702
Why do all the good
ones have to be cousins?
868
00:42:15,805 --> 00:42:19,206
Mm.
869
00:42:19,309 --> 00:42:21,909
What do we have here?
870
00:42:24,047 --> 00:42:25,413
Oh-ho-ho!
871
00:42:25,514 --> 00:42:26,914
Oh, my.
872
00:42:27,016 --> 00:42:29,116
Look at Bo Peep.
873
00:42:30,954 --> 00:42:33,120
- Oh, look who it is.
- Oh, my God.
874
00:42:33,222 --> 00:42:35,722
Is this a mirage?
875
00:42:35,825 --> 00:42:37,791
What are you guys doing here?
876
00:42:37,893 --> 00:42:39,560
Well, we're supposed to be in Tucson
877
00:42:39,662 --> 00:42:41,328
with some midget wrestling, but we said,
878
00:42:41,430 --> 00:42:43,464
Wink, eight and a half
hours away, let's go.
879
00:42:43,566 --> 00:42:46,433
You guys missed midget wrestling for me?
880
00:42:46,535 --> 00:42:48,001
No, we didn't miss anything for you.
881
00:42:48,103 --> 00:42:49,863
We came here for these
special ladies in Wink
882
00:42:49,939 --> 00:42:51,972
we've been reading about in
the Pennysaver. Hello.
883
00:42:52,074 --> 00:42:53,418
Yeah, where are all the
pigs and goats staying
884
00:42:53,442 --> 00:42:54,808
while things blow over?
885
00:42:54,910 --> 00:42:57,377
Oh, my guys. Get over here!
886
00:42:57,480 --> 00:42:58,979
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
887
00:43:06,889 --> 00:43:09,022
Thank you.
888
00:43:09,124 --> 00:43:11,859
I'm Ron Shack, and I'm white.
889
00:43:11,961 --> 00:43:14,027
Actually, what's lighter than white?
890
00:43:14,129 --> 00:43:16,096
It was confusing for me,
891
00:43:16,198 --> 00:43:18,698
moving from Tennessee
to Boston as a kid.
892
00:43:18,800 --> 00:43:20,678
Yeah, when my teacher told
me that the Boston Tea Party
893
00:43:20,702 --> 00:43:23,603
was-was actually a
protest against the King,
894
00:43:23,705 --> 00:43:25,171
I was shocked.
895
00:43:25,273 --> 00:43:26,973
I thought she was talking about Elvis.
896
00:43:27,075 --> 00:43:29,309
So I said to her, you know,
897
00:43:29,411 --> 00:43:31,444
"Shouldn't they be
throwing prescription pills
898
00:43:31,546 --> 00:43:34,680
or peanut butter and banana
sandwiches in the harbor?"
899
00:43:39,521 --> 00:43:43,023
So my Benny character is
very popular with mailmen.
900
00:43:43,125 --> 00:43:44,824
Yeah, that's right.
901
00:43:44,926 --> 00:43:46,791
They love him. Mailmen love him.
902
00:43:46,894 --> 00:43:49,694
In fact, the other day, uh,
I was signing for a package,
903
00:43:49,796 --> 00:43:51,397
and my mailman goes, "You know what?"
904
00:43:51,499 --> 00:43:53,499
"Just make it out to Johnny,
Irene, and the twins."
905
00:43:55,136 --> 00:43:56,335
It's Benny time.
906
00:44:00,274 --> 00:44:02,007
- Fuck Benny.
- Hey.
907
00:44:02,109 --> 00:44:04,376
Can I borrow you for a minute?
908
00:44:04,478 --> 00:44:06,178
Your album is number 92.
909
00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:08,514
- What?
- I know.
910
00:44:08,615 --> 00:44:09,948
But the producer said that...
911
00:44:10,051 --> 00:44:11,983
Hey, that's HaHa Records,
912
00:44:12,086 --> 00:44:13,985
that bullshit, low-rent label
913
00:44:14,088 --> 00:44:17,089
that's notorious for
ripping off young artists.
914
00:44:17,191 --> 00:44:19,558
But my agent said that
I just signed a bad deal.
915
00:44:19,660 --> 00:44:21,404
No, even if you signed the
worst contract imaginable,
916
00:44:21,428 --> 00:44:23,994
they owe you something.
917
00:44:24,097 --> 00:44:25,729
That's two and a half
years of hard work.
918
00:44:25,831 --> 00:44:28,632
I've seen this time and time again.
919
00:44:28,734 --> 00:44:30,201
Okay?
920
00:44:30,303 --> 00:44:32,570
It's the reason I left
the record business.
921
00:44:32,672 --> 00:44:34,805
Ninety-two.
922
00:44:34,907 --> 00:44:36,574
And climbing.
923
00:44:36,676 --> 00:44:39,043
Hey, there's a whole
lot more inside of you.
924
00:44:39,145 --> 00:44:40,711
Do you understand?
925
00:44:40,813 --> 00:44:44,315
This is just the tip
of the iceberg for you.
926
00:44:44,417 --> 00:44:46,050
And it looks like you're climbing
927
00:44:46,152 --> 00:44:47,685
somebody else's charts too.
928
00:44:47,787 --> 00:44:49,432
...than any other workers in the U.S.
929
00:44:49,456 --> 00:44:51,456
Turns out "it's Benny time"
930
00:44:51,558 --> 00:44:53,391
could be three to five years in prison.
931
00:45:11,676 --> 00:45:13,154
You think the black folks' invitation
932
00:45:13,178 --> 00:45:14,777
- got lost in the mail?
- No, it didn't.
933
00:45:14,879 --> 00:45:16,879
Fucking Mayberry in here.
934
00:45:19,551 --> 00:45:23,019
You wanna take a lap
with a water pitcher?
935
00:45:25,524 --> 00:45:27,724
Don't want my guests getting parched.
936
00:45:30,795 --> 00:45:33,140
Pam, did you happen to catch me
on The Tonight Show last year?
937
00:45:33,164 --> 00:45:35,231
- No, sorry.
- Yeah, I was on Carson too,
938
00:45:35,333 --> 00:45:36,966
just, uh... just before Bill.
939
00:45:37,068 --> 00:45:38,788
He was right before me. That's right.
940
00:45:38,837 --> 00:45:40,280
Except Johnny called
me over to the couch.
941
00:45:40,304 --> 00:45:42,138
It's a very big deal,
actually. You got the...
942
00:45:42,240 --> 00:45:43,640
No, you didn't get the couch.
943
00:45:43,742 --> 00:45:45,219
That's right, you got a seating ovation.
944
00:45:45,243 --> 00:45:46,487
No, it was great for Bill, though.
945
00:45:46,511 --> 00:45:48,388
You know, he goes home and
his mom's waiting up for him.
946
00:45:48,412 --> 00:45:50,279
She's just super proud. Big deal.
947
00:45:50,381 --> 00:45:52,159
She has to stay up. She can't
go to sleep at night.
948
00:45:52,183 --> 00:45:53,560
She's an insomniac.
It's actually very sad.
949
00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:55,024
I know. I have to rub her shoulders.
950
00:45:55,120 --> 00:45:56,452
You know, he likes to rub feet.
951
00:45:56,554 --> 00:45:58,888
He's a big foot guy. Mom foot, yeah.
952
00:45:58,990 --> 00:46:01,390
I like feet, especially toes.
953
00:46:01,492 --> 00:46:04,059
"This little piggy went to
market" is like foreplay to me.
954
00:46:05,495 --> 00:46:07,729
Hmm.
955
00:46:07,831 --> 00:46:09,408
That reminds me, Bill,
I was supposed to tell you
956
00:46:09,432 --> 00:46:10,999
to get penicillin when we got to town.
957
00:46:11,101 --> 00:46:13,021
If I pick one of you guys,
will you both shut up?
958
00:46:13,103 --> 00:46:15,570
- Yes.
- Sure.
959
00:46:19,209 --> 00:46:21,109
- I pick you.
- Oh.
960
00:46:21,211 --> 00:46:23,779
If he tires easy, though,
I'll come find you.
961
00:46:23,881 --> 00:46:25,246
I can only hope.
962
00:46:27,951 --> 00:46:30,118
Move along.
963
00:46:30,220 --> 00:46:31,987
I'm gonna cut to the chase.
964
00:46:32,089 --> 00:46:35,423
I came once letting
a man brush my teeth.
965
00:46:35,525 --> 00:46:37,659
Okay.
966
00:46:37,760 --> 00:46:39,204
Excuse me, everyone.
967
00:46:39,228 --> 00:46:41,328
Excuse me. I know what y'all thinking,
968
00:46:41,430 --> 00:46:42,930
"Oh, my God, the black population
969
00:46:43,032 --> 00:46:44,598
of Wink just doubled."
970
00:46:46,102 --> 00:46:47,802
There goes the property value, right?
971
00:46:47,904 --> 00:46:50,504
My name is Ralph Carnegie,
972
00:46:50,606 --> 00:46:52,106
and as you may have guessed,
973
00:46:52,208 --> 00:46:55,943
I am the ex-fiancé of the bride.
974
00:46:56,045 --> 00:46:59,146
Denise, you look stunning in that dress.
975
00:46:59,248 --> 00:47:00,881
But white?
976
00:47:00,983 --> 00:47:02,616
You've done some things, Denise.
977
00:47:02,719 --> 00:47:05,285
That's true. That is true.
978
00:47:05,387 --> 00:47:07,121
- I have too.
- I always remember
979
00:47:07,223 --> 00:47:09,556
what I learned on that magical
summer we spent together.
980
00:47:09,658 --> 00:47:12,159
How to sneak into an
all-white country club.
981
00:47:12,261 --> 00:47:14,661
And if anyone should ask,
just say you're Mexican.
982
00:47:15,831 --> 00:47:18,064
I messed with Texas,
983
00:47:18,166 --> 00:47:19,299
and I lost a woman's heart,
984
00:47:19,401 --> 00:47:21,702
but I gained a father's love.
985
00:47:21,803 --> 00:47:23,337
Hal, where are you?
986
00:47:23,439 --> 00:47:25,171
Father of the bride.
987
00:47:25,274 --> 00:47:28,041
Or as he insisted I call him, sir.
988
00:47:28,143 --> 00:47:30,210
I'm gonna miss our talks.
989
00:47:30,312 --> 00:47:32,646
I'm always gonna remember
those life lessons,
990
00:47:32,748 --> 00:47:35,215
know your place.
991
00:47:35,317 --> 00:47:37,317
Stick with your own kind.
992
00:47:37,419 --> 00:47:40,086
Man's a poet. Cassie? Where's Cassie?
993
00:47:40,188 --> 00:47:42,522
Cassie, I would have been proud
994
00:47:42,625 --> 00:47:45,492
to call you my sister-cousin-in-law.
995
00:47:45,594 --> 00:47:47,927
It's really nice to
see where you come from.
996
00:47:48,029 --> 00:47:51,697
And now I understand why
you like peeing outside
997
00:47:51,800 --> 00:47:53,032
with a beer in your hand.
998
00:47:54,770 --> 00:47:56,870
To the bride and groom.
999
00:47:56,972 --> 00:48:00,874
Neecey, I'm always gonna love you, girl.
1000
00:48:04,813 --> 00:48:06,423
That's my time, everybody.
That's my time!
1001
00:48:06,447 --> 00:48:08,414
Okay, all right.
1002
00:48:08,516 --> 00:48:10,784
That's one of Cassie's funny friends.
1003
00:48:10,886 --> 00:48:12,952
So enjoy the cake.
1004
00:48:23,398 --> 00:48:26,799
I liked your set. It was funny.
1005
00:48:26,901 --> 00:48:28,434
Right, thank you.
1006
00:48:30,938 --> 00:48:33,906
You know, I was wondering
if maybe after the show,
1007
00:48:34,008 --> 00:48:35,508
you would wanna get high.
1008
00:48:35,610 --> 00:48:39,345
That's okay. Thank you, though.
1009
00:48:39,447 --> 00:48:41,914
I mean, are you sure?
1010
00:48:42,016 --> 00:48:45,718
The greenroom's empty. It would
just be the two of us.
1011
00:48:45,820 --> 00:48:48,587
Oh. Right.
1012
00:48:50,057 --> 00:48:52,825
Um... This is a little awkward.
1013
00:48:52,927 --> 00:48:54,560
What is?
1014
00:48:54,662 --> 00:48:56,494
You know, if I'd met
you on any other show,
1015
00:48:56,596 --> 00:48:58,463
I would absolutely take
you up on that offer,
1016
00:48:58,565 --> 00:49:00,232
but-but this is Soul Train,
1017
00:49:00,334 --> 00:49:03,635
and frankly, I'm here to
have sex with a black lady.
1018
00:49:03,737 --> 00:49:05,938
You're so funny.
1019
00:49:06,040 --> 00:49:08,640
You know what I'm saying.
Like, when in Rome.
1020
00:49:08,742 --> 00:49:09,975
Right?
1021
00:49:10,077 --> 00:49:12,211
You're serious?
1022
00:49:12,313 --> 00:49:14,379
You're here to sleep
with a black dancer?
1023
00:49:14,481 --> 00:49:17,749
No. No, come on.
1024
00:49:17,852 --> 00:49:19,417
It wouldn't have to be a dancer.
1025
00:49:19,519 --> 00:49:21,186
Your garden variety black woman is fine.
1026
00:49:22,689 --> 00:49:24,923
That is so incredibly racist.
1027
00:49:25,025 --> 00:49:27,204
No, it's... no, it's not.
It's the... it's the opposite.
1028
00:49:27,228 --> 00:49:28,793
If anybody here's a racist,
1029
00:49:28,896 --> 00:49:31,096
it's you for not wanting me
to sleep with a black woman.
1030
00:49:34,368 --> 00:49:36,167
- I never had any children.
- Mm.
1031
00:49:36,269 --> 00:49:38,603
So my undercarriage is tight.
1032
00:49:38,705 --> 00:49:40,004
Ooh.
1033
00:49:40,106 --> 00:49:43,007
- Tight.
- Hmm.
1034
00:49:43,109 --> 00:49:44,776
I mean, you put a lump of coal in there,
1035
00:49:44,878 --> 00:49:47,812
I walk up three flights
of stairs, and, boom,
1036
00:49:47,914 --> 00:49:49,781
you got a diamond.
1037
00:49:49,883 --> 00:49:51,616
Good God, I wish I had a lump of coal.
1038
00:49:52,919 --> 00:49:54,218
I'm staying in the guest house.
1039
00:49:54,320 --> 00:49:55,600
- Whoo.
- Whoo, I'm sorry. Sorry.
1040
00:49:55,655 --> 00:49:57,154
That's okay. Oh, that's okay.
1041
00:49:57,257 --> 00:49:58,289
Second door on the right.
1042
00:49:58,392 --> 00:49:59,824
If you get to the...
1043
00:49:59,926 --> 00:50:01,893
The-the bathroom with
the olive wallpaper,
1044
00:50:01,995 --> 00:50:03,995
you gone too far.
1045
00:50:07,332 --> 00:50:09,700
Tight.
1046
00:50:09,802 --> 00:50:14,104
Are you really gonna sleep
with my crazy Aunt Janice?
1047
00:50:14,206 --> 00:50:15,606
Me? Me?
1048
00:50:15,708 --> 00:50:17,340
- You.
- Bill Hobbs?
1049
00:50:17,443 --> 00:50:19,043
- Bill Hobbs.
- You think I'm gonna sleep
1050
00:50:19,144 --> 00:50:21,011
with a crazy woman who
I'll never see again?
1051
00:50:21,113 --> 00:50:22,413
- Ooh.
- Come on.
1052
00:50:22,515 --> 00:50:24,147
Ugh, so out of character.
1053
00:50:24,249 --> 00:50:26,182
I'm going to. I really am.
1054
00:50:27,853 --> 00:50:29,085
You okay?
1055
00:50:29,187 --> 00:50:30,587
Yeah.
1056
00:50:30,689 --> 00:50:33,757
It's just weird being here.
1057
00:50:33,859 --> 00:50:36,693
It's not weird.
1058
00:50:36,796 --> 00:50:38,295
It's just normal.
1059
00:50:39,831 --> 00:50:41,831
We don't do normal.
1060
00:50:46,971 --> 00:50:49,939
Do you have any regrets?
1061
00:50:50,041 --> 00:50:52,809
Cass.
1062
00:50:52,911 --> 00:50:55,277
Hmm?
1063
00:50:55,379 --> 00:50:57,313
This is the wedding talking.
1064
00:50:57,415 --> 00:50:59,582
What do you mean?
1065
00:50:59,684 --> 00:51:03,085
You know, I mean the ceremony
and the sparkly lights
1066
00:51:03,187 --> 00:51:05,721
and the "till death do us part."
1067
00:51:05,824 --> 00:51:09,559
Gets you all drunk and "what iffy."
1068
00:51:09,661 --> 00:51:13,463
Yeah, but what if...
1069
00:51:13,565 --> 00:51:16,065
what iffy?
1070
00:51:18,002 --> 00:51:20,970
Okay, let's say you have a regret
1071
00:51:21,072 --> 00:51:24,840
and then you do something that
totally undoes that regret.
1072
00:51:24,942 --> 00:51:26,141
You know what you got?
1073
00:51:26,243 --> 00:51:29,144
What?
1074
00:51:29,246 --> 00:51:31,680
A different regret.
1075
00:51:39,790 --> 00:51:41,790
Mm.
1076
00:52:16,292 --> 00:52:18,859
Hey, hey, how you... how you doing?
1077
00:52:18,961 --> 00:52:21,362
Uh, it's Adam. Proteau?
1078
00:52:23,698 --> 00:52:26,066
Yeah, yeah. Um, I w...
1079
00:52:26,168 --> 00:52:29,069
I was just wondering if, uh,
1080
00:52:29,171 --> 00:52:32,339
maybe you want to go to
dinner with me sometime?
1081
00:52:35,710 --> 00:52:37,644
Dinner.
1082
00:52:44,319 --> 00:52:45,952
Yeah..
1083
00:53:04,972 --> 00:53:06,705
Stop it, Jesse.
1084
00:53:06,807 --> 00:53:09,075
Jesse, stop it.
1085
00:53:09,177 --> 00:53:11,277
Stop.
1086
00:53:11,379 --> 00:53:13,645
Stop it!
1087
00:53:13,747 --> 00:53:16,282
Stop! I said stop it!
1088
00:53:19,987 --> 00:53:21,954
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1089
00:53:22,056 --> 00:53:24,323
I'm so sorry, sweetie.
1090
00:53:28,096 --> 00:53:30,261
I'm really sorry.
1091
00:53:32,733 --> 00:53:35,567
- Jesse.
- Sorry.
1092
00:53:35,669 --> 00:53:37,836
Jesse, it's time to say good
night to your Aunt Cassie.
1093
00:53:37,938 --> 00:53:39,437
- I'm sorry.
- Come on.
1094
00:53:39,539 --> 00:53:41,807
- I'm really sorry.
- Cassie.
1095
00:53:41,909 --> 00:53:43,408
Cassie.
1096
00:53:45,713 --> 00:53:47,679
- Cass.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
1097
00:53:47,781 --> 00:53:49,681
I'm really sorry.
1098
00:53:49,783 --> 00:53:52,718
Okay, all right. All right, now.
1099
00:53:54,722 --> 00:53:57,623
Wanna know a not-so-little secret?
1100
00:53:57,725 --> 00:53:59,992
Jesse's not her nephew.
1101
00:54:00,094 --> 00:54:02,027
He's her son.
1102
00:54:15,708 --> 00:54:17,842
You really should learn
to keep your mouth shut.
1103
00:54:51,443 --> 00:54:53,143
Well, now you know.
1104
00:55:22,808 --> 00:55:24,708
Come on.
1105
00:57:21,189 --> 00:57:24,259
Next episode of I'm Dying Up Here...
1106
00:57:24,416 --> 00:57:26,150
I fucked a bum today.
1107
00:57:26,285 --> 00:57:28,439
- Who's that?
- Dawn something.
1108
00:57:29,314 --> 00:57:31,055
As soon as Jessie was born,
1109
00:57:31,123 --> 00:57:34,407
- it wasn't about you anymore.
- You look wiped.
1110
00:57:34,501 --> 00:57:36,954
- A little tired.
- Why don't you grab a cup of coffee
1111
00:57:37,008 --> 00:57:38,703
- and we'll go again.
- I've got something you might
1112
00:57:38,727 --> 00:57:40,333
find a little peppier than coffee.
1113
00:57:40,404 --> 00:57:42,450
It's Benny time.
79832