All language subtitles for She Wolf of London (1990) - S01E14 - Beyond the Beyond.eng

Ah, thank you, Yeoman.

No, Captain, thank you.

We've seen a lot of God's
miracles on our voyages

through space together,
Mr. Snork.

But I think she tops the list.

Scientifically speaking, Captain, there
is nothing miraculous about the yeoman.

Her chemical composition is
actually 94% water, 2% carbon...

Mr. Snork, there are some things
science simply cannot explain.

ALIEN: Go no further.
You have been warned.

And this could just be
one of them now.

Gentlemen.
Battle stations!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Mr. Snork,

what is that?

Fascinating.

Scientifically,
this is not possible.

Die, earthling!

Yeoman McNally!

My God! She's turned
into a cube!

Technically,
she's a dodecahedron.

(ALIEN GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

No! Captain.

Now she is dust,
as you all soon shall be!

What a load
of old rubbish!

IAN: You may be
an experienced publisher,

but your publicists don't
have a firm grasp on my book.

Nice paper.

IAN: I should be interviewed by
Time, Newsweek, The Economist,

not cheap periodicals
that celebrate gore.

I am deconstructing the
foundations of modern mythology!

I know my book was called Satan's
Sex Slaves, but that's not the point.

Would you plaster Irving Stone
across Big Hooters Monthly

because his book was called
The Agony and The Ecstasy?

You would?

(SIGHING) All right, what is
the point in booking me to speak

at a science-fiction convention
for some tawdry '60s TV show?

"Beyond the Beyond.
25th anniversary." Wow!

This is not my audience.

My audience is at the International
Symposium for Mythological Research

in the Bahamas,
which is where I should be.

All expenses paid!

No!

"You and a guest are invited
to Moorwood Hall Hotel,

"25 miles outside Bristol for..." Yes!

I absolutely,
positively will not...

Miss it for the world.
Yes, he's thrilled.

Yes, he can't wait.
Bye-bye. Thank you.

Beyond the Beyond!

What are you talking about?

Beyond the Beyond. Come on, it's the
single best television series ever made.

I've seen every episode
about a hundred times.

Oh, I see you had a
rich, rewarding childhood.

The darkest reaches of space.

The furthest boundaries
of adventure.

One starship journeys
into the unknown,

exploring the mysteries
that lie beyond the beyond.

We have to go.

We?

You don't really think that Beyond
the Beyond fans have an abiding passion

for mythology, for exploring
the factual basis of legends?

Did you see the episode where Mr. Snork
gets his brain stolen by Aphrodite?

I'm not going.

You can meet the stars!

I want to meet
illustrious scholars.

You could find a whole new
audience of eager readers.

I want to gain the
admiration of my peers.

You could have a free room, all
you can eat, and a big honorarium.

I want

to meet the stars.

To embrace a whole new
audience of eager readers.

I'll go pack.

Don't worry,
we're almost there.

That's what
the Donner Party said,

just before they asked,
"Is anyone hungry?"

Oh, come on.

(GRUNTING)

Would you relax? What
could possibly go wrong?

You'll have
a great time.

Promise?

Yeah.

(PANTING)

Look at this place.

IAN: Do you think we'll
be able to find my car?

(COUGHING)

Well, if not now,
definitely in the spring.

Glad to see you still
have your sense of humor.

Welcome, earthlings.

Then again, your car
wasn't buried in the snow,

and you didn't have to trek
5 miles through the blizzard

carrying
a 2-ton valise!

I also didn't bring 50 copies of my
book, instead of a change of clothes.

The bare minimum.

Besides, you don't need
a change of clothes

if you intend to spend all your
time in the sauna sipping daiquiris.

IAN: We could be here for days,
if this blizzard doesn't let up.

(LAUGHS)

My only solace is the possibility
there might actually be people here

who appreciate
the study of mythology

and embrace my systematic
deconstruction of the Mephisto fallacy.

Hey, weren't you the hideous space
sloth of Umgluck in Episode 13?

(TOY GUN ZAPPING)

Randi.

(ZAPPING CONTINUES)

Randi!

SNORK: I believe I was wearing a
red shirt when we landed on Altair 7.

PIERCE: No, no, no, no.
I was wearing the red shirt.

No, you weren't.

I always wear
the red shirt.

No, you had the week off.
I had the red shirt.

Ah! Yes, of course.
He's quite right.

And what about
when you landed on Baloff?

Excellent question, but only
one per customer, please.

Next?

Yes, the young lady.

Why did the nymphs of Zontar
have six breasts?

Uh... Because, um, because
their young are very hungry.

Next?

Ow!

Who are these lunatics?

Shh!

You know, in " The Dauri Chase,"

the serial number of the starship
Explorer had been changed.

It was NCE74A. Shouldn't
it have been NCE174F?

That's Conrad Stipe,
the creator of the show.

These are all the world-famous
stars of Beyond the Beyond.

In the in the week between episodes,
the ship was repainted by the Wollerts,

repulsive creatures who are
notoriously bad at spelling.

You mean the
washed up has-beens.

Shh. How can you
say that?

These people are the guests
of honor at a convention

celebrating the 25th
anniversary of their show.

Exactly.

What?

We're leaving as soon as
the roads are passable.

But we just got here.

And I already fear
for our sanity.

This is a convention
for the mentally ill.

(SIGHS) You're being too
hard on these people.

Think of it as
cultural appreciation.

Or a celebration of art, hmm?

WINTHROP: For a limited time,

a genuine replica of Captain
Pierce's Conglomeration belt buckle,

for only L20.
And the light works!

Wow!

Oh, be serious, Randi, it's
just a piece of plastic junk.

Wait your turn, young man.
I was here first.

I have absolutely no interest in
buying one of those. Aunt Elsa?

Lan? Randi?

What are you
doing here?

How much did you
say this was?

L20.

L20?
Yes.

ELSA: What are you doing here?

I'm being held against my
will by the ravages of nature

and the ignorance
of my publishers.

What's your excuse?

Where else can you get
a Captain Pierce belt buckle?

Weren't you the hideous space
sloth from Umgluck in Episode 13?

No, I was not, you awful...

Awfully beautiful young woman.

No, you weren't.

Lan Matheson,
professor of mythology.

Nicole Huston. If you want
it autographed, it's L5.

Weren't you reduced
to a cube and crushed?

No wonder.

(ZAPPING)

(LAUGHING)

(IMITATING LASER FIRING)

(LAUGHS) Don't worry,
it's not loaded!

It's not real, it's just an incredibly
detailed replica of startling accuracy.

Of a Martian sprinkler?

No, silly, it's the laser cannon,
the Muck-Gerbils of Pinchuk

used to defend
their Cloud City.

Ah. Of course, I should have
recognized it immediately.

I'm Jim Minkler,
Grand High Sorcerer

of the Beyond the Beyond
Appreciation Society.

Here, aren't you
Professor lan Matheson,

author of The Face of Fear?

Why, yes! You know my work?

I know your face,
from your book cover.

You know you look just like the guy who
played the hideous space sloth of Umgluck.

(LAUGHING)

For you.

Is this the laser cannon the Muck-Gerbils
of Pinchuk used to defend Cloud City?

Yeah!

Wow! That's great!

Good, isn't it?

Yeah.

(WIND BLOWING)

I insist you charter a
helicopter and get me out of here.

(ZAPPING)

It's not my problem if it costs
more than my book will ever make.

This is your fault.

(ZAPPING)

Hello? Hello?

The coward's hung up on me.
What am I going to do now?

RANDl: Well, I think you better
start working on that speech.

What do I possibly
have to say to these people?

Wait. How about, " It's only
a TV show, get a life"?

Or, " There's no shame
in seeing a psychiatrist"?

(TOY GUNS ZAPPING)

Oh, don't worry. I know what
we can say. I know. I know.

Just tell them that you are the space
sloth of Umgluck from Episode 12.

Episode 13. Number 12 is
where the crew met God.

Oh, yeah.

(LAUGHING)

Why did they invite me here
in the first place?

(SIGHS) Because, lan,
like it or not,

these people are, well,
they're kindred spirits.

Whew! One moment I thought you
were going to say my relatives.

(SNORTING)

Good God, they are.

They're just like you. They're fascinated
by the occult, the bizarre, the unexplained.

It's just, they express
it differently.

Come on. All the myths
and legends that you embrace

actually form the foundations
of Beyond the Beyond.

Show me where in modern mythology a
chap with an elephant's nose meets God.

Lan, don't be so stuffy.

(TUNE PLAYING)

Yeah, that's a smashing idea.

You know, I don't think you
realize how popular you could be.

You think so?

I'm certain.

Hey!

This has fascinated
scholars for years.

So we must ask ourselves,

are the interstitial matrices of the
enthobiocentric underpinnings real

or simply contrived?

(SNORING)

Yes, it's an amusing
little conundrum.

(SNORING CONTINUES)

(SIGHS)

I see!

(AUDIENCE WHISTLING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(CHEERING)

When I created this show
25 years ago,

I thought it'd last 13 weeks and then
disappear before I ever got a residual check.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

The network had no idea
what they had on their hands.

The first thing
they said to me was,

"Lose big-nose, get us
a guy with pointy-ears."

(LAUGHING)

(CHEERING)

(WHOOPING)

(APPLAUSE)

And yet, despite low ratings
and network incompetence,

we made it
through 67 episodes!

(CHEERING)

And now thanks to you, the show is a
bigger hit in reruns than it ever was.

(CHEERING)

Hey, you done already?

A man can only take
so many standing ovations.

Good.

And now, finally, we can show our
appreciation to you, our loyal, devoted fans.

Wow!

(APPLAUSE)

The darkest reaches of space.

The furthest boundaries
of adventure.

ALL: One starship journeys
into the unknown,

exploring the mysteries
that lie beyond the beyond.

(CHEERING)

I'm proud to announce Beyond
the Beyond, the motion picture.

An all-new adventure

with an all-new cast!

(APPLAUSE)

(LASER FIRING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Is he...

(SIGHS) He's dead, Jim.

(CROWD MURMURING)

I don't understand it.
I made it myself.

It's just a hollow replica.

How did that get there?

Guess it was more authentic
than you thought, hmm?

Storm is raging, the telephone
lines are down, the roads closed,

and a murderer's afoot.

A traitor to the
Conglomeration!

We're on our own, Watson.

Where's lan?

He said something about
checking out and ran off.

What?

(GASPS)

Be prosperous and multiply.

Oh, no.

IAN: Instead, I find
it's a snake pit!

No, I was not!

Lan, calm down.

Calm down? We are surrounded by maniacs

and at least one of them
is homicidal.

How long is this
going to take?

Think.

Randi,
I don't want to think.

All I want to do is check out
and get away from this madhouse.

And I don't expect to be charged
for the two hours in my room.

But...

But case closed.

I shall be studying my next few
credit card bills very carefully,

so don't try anything funny.

Coming, Randi?

Where?

Where do you think?
The planet Zontar?

Well, we might as well be,
because all the roads are closed,

and all the phone lines
are dead.

And you just checked us out
of our room. Our free room.

Oh, I see.

Sorry.

Perhaps I was
a little hasty before.

I've decided to give this
excellent establishment another try.

Did I mention I was the hideous
space sloth of Umgluck in Episode 13?

(GROANS)

(SIGHS)

Professor Matheson.

Have we met?

Your reputation as a scholar
and writer precedes you.

You are the author of Satan's Sex
Slaves, and the script adaptation as well?

You mean lan Stryker
- Professor of Danger, for Monumental Pictures.

A profound, stirring adventure
that leaps off the page,

grabs you by the throat
and shakes the tar out of you.

That's the one.

How would you like to write the
cinematic event of the century?

I should have listened to him.

But you did.

We all did.

No, before that.

He was helping me
arrange the convention.

It was then that he told me
he was receiving death threats.

What kind of death threats?

"Make the movie and you'll be chopped
up into bits and fed to ravenous dogs."

"The movie opens,
your casket closes."

"Eat hot death,
you maggot."

Those kind
of death threats.

He was very concerned.

He wanted to
call the convention off,

but I convinced him
his fans loved him.

They would never
dream of hurting him.

Now, all we have
is his boots.

But who would want to
kill Conrad Stipe?

All he wanted to do
was make a movie.

With an all-new cast.

But I don't know anything
about the series.

But you know more
authentic monster stuff

than anyone can ever make up.

I knew my doctorate
would be worth something.

Besides, once news of Conrad's
unfortunate demise gets out,

the publicity will steamroll this
picture right back into production,

no matter how bad
the script is.

I want to leave here on Monday with a
script to capitalize on the momentum.

Aren't you jumping the gun
just a bit?

This is a matter for the
heirs to decide. No, thank you.

You're looking at him.

He willed the rights to you?

The series was a bomb.

Ten years after it was cancelled,
I met Conrad, a drunk, a loser.

I gave him a few bucks,
he gave me 50% of the show.

You ripped him off.

I pulled him
out of the gutter.

I controlled merchandizing,
he controlled the creative end,

which was worthless.

Or it was. Thanks to my
creative merchandising savvy,

people started to look
at the reruns again.

Pretty soon,
it was a phenomenon.

Anyway, in the
event of death,

all the rights go back
to the survivor.

C'est moi.

No, thank you.

(PANTING)

The answer is no.

I'm a distinguished scholar,
not a hack writer.

I have a reputation
to consider,

the highest professional
standards to uphold.

You're homeless. You're facing a
long, cold night in the boiler room,

and the worst weekend
of your life.

On the other hand, I happen to have
$30,000, an extra suite, a full wet bar,

and sauna privileges
waiting for the right man.

(CLATTERING)

(OLD MAN GROANING)

Suddenly, I feel inspired.

Every single episode of the damn
series. Feel free to steal liberally.

Smashing.

Now, you don't happen to know the
room service number offhand, do you?

I slipped one
in the VCR for you.

You're a writing machine,
slugger.

PIERCE ON TV: You can kill me,
but humanity will prevail.

Because we have one thing
your race never discovered.

Love.

Unbelievable.

No, Skip, no.

I've had my voice dubbed
so many times,

people are beginning to
believe that I am an Italian.

We know that one of these
people is the murderer. Yes.

But what tell-tale clues separate
a murderer and a normal person?

If we knew that,
we'd have the killer.

Precisely.

You've got to get me a
part in an American movie!

I don't care what that has-been
Stipe said. He's dead. And I'm glad.

We must study each one as if
we're peering through a microscope.

RANDl: Yes.

ELSA: They all
look perfectly normal,

but one of these kind faces
has got a violent soul.

Yes.

If you do this to me,
Skip, I'll kill you.

I swear it, I'll kill you!

Eventually, the violent soul
will show itself.

It may only be for a moment,
but show itself, it will.

We must be vigilant, so when it
happens, we will recognize it.

Look at Guy Goddard.

If you send me
one more Italian script

about a maniac with a meat-axe,
I'm gonna use a meat-axe on you.

Well? What do you think?

Well, I think that we can get
Captain Pierce's autograph much later.

We've got a murder to solve.

Hello there, little lady.

Mr. Snork.

A pretty girl like you
can call me Snorkel.

Wow! Pleased to meet you.

I've seen the Crab Nebula
from close-to

and the Milky Way
from a million miles,

but I've never seen anything
as beautiful as your eyes.

That's from the episode
where you get emotions,

and then you discover that
they're fatal to Snorkies, right?

To Snorkies and
sometimes to mortal men.

Would you allow me the honor
of letting me buy you a drink?

All right. Just as long as
it's not Croutonian brandy.

I know what that does
to your kind.

You have nothing
to fear from me.

IAN: Space date 2312.

The starship Explorer has
encountered a massive space brain

that eats planets.

(GRUNTING)

Don't touch me.

I like you. Not because you
were in Beyond the Beyond.

In fact, when you offered me this
drink, I didn't even recognize you.

Listen, really, I'd still
like you even without the nose.

Yes, of course you do. That's
what they all say. I know women.

All they care about is
the fact I've got a big trunk.

Sometimes I wish
I had never put on this nose.

Then why don't you
just take it off?

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Yes. To tell you
the truth, I would.

'Cause usually when I have a drink
with a guy, he looks like a human being.

You're with him.
Don't deny it.

I know.
With who?

With that nose-stealing
viper, Stipe.

(SNORTS)

He wanted to take my
nose away. They all did.

He even got a court order to stop me
making public appearances as Mr. Snork.

I lived on those shopping mall openings,
sci-fi conventions and nasal spray endorsements.

Now what have I got?

(SNORTING) Hmm?

But you know all
about that, don't you?

(SNORK SNORTING)

Excuse me, I have to be getting
back to planet Earth now.

Now, you tell your bosses that
there's only one Mr. Snork.

And if they mess with my nose,
they're gonna envy Stipe.

(SNORTING) Got it, girlie?

Did you hear that nutcase?

I heard it all.

And?

Well, if you want a man to respect you,
you shouldn't fawn on him like that.

Now, if you've finished flirting with
the alien, we have a murderer to catch.

(GROANS)

Randi! Randi! Randi!

IAN: Space date 2312.

Space date 2312.

Two crew members are dead.

The ship is in peril, and the cosmos
are at the mercy of a strange...

Space date 2312.

The starship Explorer

has encountered a massive
space brain that eats planets.

We're attempting to craft a
powerful aspirin being to...

(SIGHS)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Hi.

Hi.

Hmm.

Written my part yet?

Uh, no. In fact, I haven't
written anything yet.

Ooh, then I got here
just in time.

In time for what?

Mmm.

To impress upon you

the importance of my
character in the movie.

But you were reduced to
a cube and crushed.

No, no, no.
No, I've been restored.

I'm more of a woman now
than I ever was before.

Ah.
Hmm.

That explains why your
uniform is so form-fitting.

(CHUCKLES)

Let me inspire you

with an audition, hmm?

Well, I suppose a little
inspiration couldn't hurt.

It could revive my career.

Sorry, Kent,
you just aren't bankable.

I am Snork.

You are a guy with a rubber nose.
Come to think of it, our nose.

(SCREAMING)

WINTHROP: Court order,
you know.

(GASPING)

You've got to have Matheson
put me in the script.

Oh, Mr. Snork is in the script.
It's just that you aren't.

You've got to convince the studio
that I am the only one for the part.

You can't
disappoint the fans.

It's just not in the budget.

On the other hand...

(TOY GUN ZAPPING)

There might be a way.

If you could kick back some
of your studio salary my way,

I could reinvest it in the production
and alleviate some of the deficit.

How much?

Oh, I don't know.

61%?

Fine.

See you on the big screen.

(SIGHS)

The plot thickens.

Or sickens. Come on.

(GRUNTING)

See you later,
Elsa, okay?

(SCREAMS)

(ZAPPING)

Excuse me.

(GASPS)

RANDl: What are you doing?

Writing?

You call this writing?

I'd like to.

In case you hadn't noticed,
there has been a murder.

And I am grieving, deeply.

No, you're not!

You're writing the screenplay
for a prime suspect,

while romancing some
has-been actress!

I am not. Lan is
putting me in the movie.

(CHUCKLES) Actually,
I don't think so.

It would
stretch credibility.

You know, like the way your butt
stretches your little space pants?

Put me in a different part.

Sorry. No parts for
intergalactic space sluts.

You wouldn't?
Oh, yeah.

Yeah?
Hmm.

(SCREAMING)

Lan?

Don't forget to
wash behind your ears.

Oh!

(CHUCKLING) Imagine, her. Her!

Thinking that
she can sleep her way...

Oh, God! Lan. Lan.

Lan. Lan?

Look at you! You're lounging
here, drinking champagne,

and there is a
murderer out there.

Marvelous, isn't it?
Vintage champagne.

You know, I thought this weekend
was gonna be a complete wash-out.

Look how it's turned around.

This is good. Mmm.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
A man is dead.

I know. And the
convention is over.

The police can handle the murder, while
I wrestle with the room service menu.

How can you, in good
conscience, write the screenplay?

I can't write it at all.
It's garbage.

But that doesn't mean I can't
soak old Winthrop for a few days,

until the greedy twit
realizes.

The man is a murderer. He
killed Stipe so that he could get

his share of the
Beyond the Beyond rights.

Now he's gonna soak this
project for every last buck.

Uh-uh. A snake he is.
A killer he isn't.

(STEAM HISSING)

Oh, God!

(INAUDIBLE)

We're locked in.

Then again,
I may have misjudged him.

Oh, my God.

Is it my imagination,
or is it getting hotter?

(MUTTERING)

This is why
I never order lobster.

(SIGHS)

Because you might get
locked in a sauna?

(CHUCKLING) No. Mmm-mmm.

Because I can't help wondering what
it would feel like to be cooked alive.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

And now I know. Mmm.

Look at the bright side.

What bright side?

Hmm. It's just you and me.

(CHUCKLES)

Alone.

Scantily clad.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Sharing a glass of champagne.

(EXHALING) Steam rising
from our flesh.

You mean, searing our flesh.

Small detail.

Cause of death.

(LAUGHING)

Spoilsport.

Oh, there you are!

What do you two think
you're playing at?

There's been a murder.

We know.

Another murder.

JIM: What an incredible
loss to fandom.

What an incredible loss
to my wallet. Fandom?

The whole community

of devoted
Beyond the Beyond fans,

who have lost
another guiding light.

A blinking light.

Oh, it's a tragedy.
An unbelievable horror.

Uh, wither Beyond the Beyond?

Whatever are you
talking about?

Who has the rights
to the series, now?

Lan.
It's a valid question.

You do.

Me?
You?

Yes. I think you owe
the fans an honest answer.

You see, in lieu of cash, as part of
lan's screenwriting deal with Winthrop,

he has been given Stipe's
interest in the series.

I am a very good agent.

This is a nightmare.

You're telling me!

And now that Winthrop is, well,
dead, all the rights revert to lan.

Now, hold everything!

Yes, yes, please, everybody, give
Professor Matheson complete solitude

as he has a screenplay to write and
a merchandising empire to manage.

IAN: What are you doing?

Just pushing things along.

Pushing me into a grave.

If the killer finds out I have all
the rights, I'll be the next victim.

Exactly.

What jolly fun!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

RANDl: A-ha!

(NICOLE SCREAMS)

I knew it was you.

Who else could it be?

You came here to kill him.

I came here to seduce him. Again?

Why do you want to seduce him? Thanks.

For a part, of course.

Ah, now that he has complete
control over Beyond the Beyond,

he can cast whoever he wants.

You want to cast her?

Oh, that's an idea.

Shh! Someone's coming.

Wait! I think I should
search her first.

Shh, quickly.

(GRUNTING)

(GASPS) Mr. Snork!

How dare you?

You don't treat an international
celebrity like a common intruder.

But you are a common intruder.

I merely came for a word
with Professor Matheson.

A last word?
You didn't knock.

(SNORTING) Hmm?
Writers startle easily.

You thought he was
writing in the dark?

Definitely. He had to be to even
consider cutting me from the picture.

So, you came to kill me?

No, I merely came to
peek at the script.

I had to know if you were
still in a right mind.

And if I wasn't?
Well,

then I would of... I would
have spoken to you man to man.

Dumbo.

Bit player!
Has-been!

Shh! I can hear
somebody coming!

(SNORTS)

(SHUSHING)

IAN: Randi, light!

RANDl: Quiet, everybody!

(SNORTS)

(ALL SHOUTING)

Get him!

(IAN EXCLAIMING)

(SNORTING)

RANDl: Get him!

Get him, Aunt Elsa!

Gotcha!

(GRUNTING)

Who is it?
Who is it?

Elementary,
Mr. Snork.

This is the intrepid Captain
Pierce, AKA Guy Goddard.

How do you know?

There's no one else left.

(ALL GASPING)

Good God!
Surprise!

You're supposed to be dead?

I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Me? Disappointed?
Well, I'm thrilled.

Shooting the movie would be
so joyless without you.

(CHUCKLING)

The laser, the explosion, the smoking
boots, it was all an elaborate trick.

(CHUCKLING) Yes,
and free, too.

The effects guys on the movie
did it as an audition.

Incredible. He's even cheap
about his own murder.

Could you just please
give me an explanation?

Simple, really.
Somebody wanted to kill me.

Can't imagine why.

I wanted to smoke the bugger
out before he succeeded.

Of course, I was convinced
it was Winthrop.

Everything he did after my tragic
death only served to bolster that.

So that's why you killed him?

And came to off lan.

Off lan?

Get with it.

No, no. You've got it all
wrong. I came here for your help.

Wait. You don't expect us
to believe this story, do you?

Believe it, bimbo!

(STIPE EXCLAIMS)
Where'd you get that?

Cleavage has its advantages, but
then you wouldn't know about that.

I told you I should have
searched her first.

So it was you who was trying to kill me.

Imagine my joy, when
someone beat me to it.

But why? I was always so kind to you.

I slept with you. You promised
me a role in the series!

And I gave you one.

You reduced me to a cube!

No, technically,
a dodecahedron.

(EXCLAIMS)
Mr. Snork!

ELSA: Mr. Snork!

You crushed me,
and my career.

You wouldn't even
put me in the movie.

And neither would Winthrop.

Buona sera,
boys and girls...

(GUN FIRES)

(NICOLE SCREAMS)

Cowards!

Go ahead, hide.
I've got all night.

And I've got enough bullets
for all of you!

Hide! If I find one, I will
kill with my bare hands.

RECORDED VOICE: Go no further,
earthling! You have been warned.

Show yourself!

You have entered
the nebula of no return.

Prepare to fire
on alien life form.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God.

Nice shot!

How tragic.

How horrifying.

How fitting.

What do we do now?

I'm going to the typewriter. I think I'm
finally getting the hang of this stuff.

What?

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

You, Mr. Snork, Captain Pierce and the
convention seem to have survived rather nicely.

Well, when you've traveled together
to the furthest boundaries of space

and encountered the strangest
creatures in the cosmos,

one deranged killer
doesn't faze you.

(LAUGHS)
What about the movie?

A firm go.
With the original cast.

Hmm. Watching your back?

No, watching the
account ledgers.

With all the publicity that this
little escapade has brought us,

we don't need big-name actors,
after all.

Which brings us
to the screenplay.

(ELSA CLEARS THROAT)
Ah, yes.

I've worked out a few things and
contractual points for lan's contract...

All done!

I call it The Amoeba
Molemen of Leah Nebula 9.

I've been writing it
all night.

I'm really grateful for everything
you've done, including the screenplay,

but I've already hired
a screenwriter.

I call it The Return
of the Muck-Gerbils.

Gripping, I'm sure.

After all, no one knows more about the
show than Jim does, except me, of course.

But we don't want you
to go away empty-handed.

First.

You are now Commodores

of the
Galactic Conglomeration.

Wow! Now aren't you
glad you came?

The darkest reaches of space. The
furthest boundaries of adventure.

ALL: One starship journeys
into the unknown,

exploring the mysteries
that lie beyond the beyond.

(CHEERING)

I should like to come back here in a few
light years and see how everything turned out.

Imagine, an entire planet, modeling its
society on an ancient Playboy magazine.

Fascinating, indeed.

The females would evolve with
staples across their waists.

(CHUCKLES)

But think what would have happened
if the merchant ship had crash-landed

with a cargo of those ancient
slasher movies, instead.

One discarded artifact can reshape a
species, a planet, an entire universe.

Hmm.

Oh, my God!

What is it, Captain?

I left a pair of my trousers
in the Queen's boudoir.

Your Herculite trousers?

Yes!

Herculite is the basic material
from which Argulon is formulated.

And Argulon is the basic component
of our Totonian warp drive.

Are you saying that because I left
a pair of my trousers on that planet,

the aliens could develop warp
drive and colonize the cosmos?

I'm saying, Captain,
that in a hundred light years,

they may be wearing the pants
on this universe.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Great!

Wasn't that great,
lan?

Lan.

(SNORING)

(SIGHS) Be prosperous
and multiply.