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1
00:00:05,578 --> 00:00:09,048
There comes a time
in everyone's life
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00:00:09,081 --> 00:00:11,951
when he or she
must ask themselves
3
00:00:11,984 --> 00:00:15,622
some very important
questions:
4
00:00:15,655 --> 00:00:16,856
Who am I?
5
00:00:16,889 --> 00:00:18,057
What am I?
6
00:00:18,090 --> 00:00:20,994
Where did I come from?
7
00:00:21,027 --> 00:00:23,496
As I remember it,
I started life
8
00:00:23,529 --> 00:00:25,832
down the road most traveled.
9
00:00:25,865 --> 00:00:27,032
[pop]
10
00:00:27,066 --> 00:00:29,968
Ha ha! Here we are.
11
00:00:30,002 --> 00:00:31,204
- Whoops!
- Baby: Ooh!
12
00:00:31,237 --> 00:00:34,574
Whoa-ho.
Sorry there, little tyke.
13
00:00:34,607 --> 00:00:36,676
Mrs. Riley, congratulations.
14
00:00:36,709 --> 00:00:38,445
You are the proud mother
15
00:00:38,478 --> 00:00:40,647
of a beautiful
7 1/2-pound baby--
16
00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:43,049
Doctor, come quick.
There's an emergency
in Ward G.
17
00:00:43,082 --> 00:00:45,518
Well, is it a boy
or a girl?
18
00:00:45,551 --> 00:00:47,520
No time.
Look for yourself.
19
00:00:47,553 --> 00:00:48,788
Whoop.
20
00:00:49,922 --> 00:00:51,690
It's Pat.
21
00:00:51,724 --> 00:00:52,925
Uhh.
22
00:00:52,959 --> 00:00:54,627
♪ [piano]
23
00:00:54,660 --> 00:00:56,994
♪ A lot of people
say "What's that?"
24
00:00:57,028 --> 00:00:58,630
♪ It's Pat ♪
25
00:00:58,663 --> 00:01:00,466
♪ Ma'am or a sir ♪
26
00:01:00,499 --> 00:01:01,934
♪ Accept him or her ♪
27
00:01:01,967 --> 00:01:04,603
♪ For whatever it might be ♪
28
00:01:04,636 --> 00:01:07,005
♪ It's time for androgyny ♪
29
00:01:07,038 --> 00:01:08,941
♪ Here comes Pat ♪
30
00:01:08,974 --> 00:01:10,975
♪ [scatting]
31
00:02:09,267 --> 00:02:10,970
♪ [continues]
32
00:02:21,212 --> 00:02:23,682
♪ It's time for androgyny ♪
33
00:02:23,715 --> 00:02:25,518
♪ Here comes Pat ♪
34
00:02:28,620 --> 00:02:30,956
♪ Here comes Pat ♪
35
00:02:30,989 --> 00:02:32,625
♪ Pow ♪
36
00:02:34,793 --> 00:02:37,596
Pat, narrating:
Hi. That's me in
the fourth grade.
37
00:02:37,629 --> 00:02:39,564
Oh, on the right.
38
00:02:39,597 --> 00:02:42,633
Will you be
my valentine, Pat?
39
00:02:42,666 --> 00:02:44,335
What?
40
00:02:44,368 --> 00:02:48,206
Are you
kind of confused today?
41
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:51,842
I was always very popular.
42
00:02:51,875 --> 00:02:55,179
Pat, will you
be my valentine?
43
00:02:55,212 --> 00:02:57,014
Oh, I'm sure.
44
00:02:57,047 --> 00:03:00,652
Why don't you take
a reality pill?
45
00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:04,956
Terry is my valentine.
46
00:03:04,989 --> 00:03:07,992
[giggling]
47
00:03:08,025 --> 00:03:10,194
By the time I reached
high school,
48
00:03:10,227 --> 00:03:12,196
I was confident,
and I thought
49
00:03:12,229 --> 00:03:14,932
I'd figured out all
of life's big questions.
50
00:03:14,965 --> 00:03:18,970
To me it was the adults
who seemed confused
51
00:03:22,740 --> 00:03:24,175
Have a nice day.
52
00:03:26,343 --> 00:03:27,979
Then I reached maturity.
53
00:03:28,012 --> 00:03:30,047
I finally found a job
that allowed me
54
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,017
to take full advantage
of my special people skills.
55
00:03:33,050 --> 00:03:34,785
Here comes the mail.
56
00:03:34,818 --> 00:03:37,588
Boy, this is
the career for me.
57
00:03:41,125 --> 00:03:42,660
Oh.
58
00:03:42,693 --> 00:03:43,928
Eileen.
59
00:03:43,961 --> 00:03:45,696
Prepare yourself.
60
00:03:45,729 --> 00:03:47,398
That battle-axe
mother-in-law of yours
61
00:03:47,431 --> 00:03:49,065
is gonna come
for a whole month.
62
00:03:49,099 --> 00:03:51,936
And, uh,
you're being audited.
63
00:03:51,969 --> 00:03:53,705
Hope you get to keep
your home.
64
00:04:05,049 --> 00:04:07,251
The world was my oyster.
65
00:04:07,284 --> 00:04:09,854
But then I turned 33,
66
00:04:09,887 --> 00:04:13,190
and, like many great figures
in history before me,
67
00:04:13,223 --> 00:04:15,660
it was a year
that changed my life
68
00:04:15,693 --> 00:04:18,096
as I knew it forever.
69
00:04:20,063 --> 00:04:22,298
How long have we known
each other, Pat?
70
00:04:22,331 --> 00:04:24,434
Four and a half days.
71
00:04:24,467 --> 00:04:26,236
Let's make it five.
72
00:04:26,269 --> 00:04:28,838
Got a complaint
from Mr. and Mrs. Kogan.
73
00:04:28,871 --> 00:04:31,074
Seems you opened a letter
from their son
74
00:04:31,107 --> 00:04:32,842
and you told them he was gay.
75
00:04:32,875 --> 00:04:35,045
That's right.
I say that's life.
76
00:04:35,078 --> 00:04:37,013
Move on, accept.
77
00:04:37,046 --> 00:04:39,115
That's a federal offense,
Pat.
78
00:04:39,148 --> 00:04:41,251
Being gay?
79
00:04:41,284 --> 00:04:43,986
Opening someone else's mail.
80
00:04:44,020 --> 00:04:47,123
Oh.
81
00:04:47,156 --> 00:04:48,358
Well, I'm looking forward
82
00:04:48,391 --> 00:04:49,759
to the sorting seminar
this weekend.
83
00:04:49,792 --> 00:04:50,960
You're fired.
84
00:04:50,993 --> 00:04:52,663
What?
85
00:04:54,864 --> 00:04:56,399
What I mean to say is
86
00:04:56,432 --> 00:04:59,069
there's nothing wrong
with your work per se.
87
00:04:59,102 --> 00:05:03,273
It's just that I kind of
have to let you go.
88
00:05:03,306 --> 00:05:05,408
But I don't
want to be fired.
89
00:05:05,441 --> 00:05:06,843
I didn't think you would.
90
00:05:06,876 --> 00:05:10,814
You're not, uh,
disgruntled, are you?
91
00:05:10,847 --> 00:05:12,115
No.
92
00:05:12,148 --> 00:05:14,918
You're fired.
93
00:05:14,951 --> 00:05:16,386
Madness!
94
00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,856
Whenever I lose a job,
95
00:05:19,889 --> 00:05:22,058
I like to forget
about my problems
96
00:05:22,091 --> 00:05:24,894
and help others--
say a neighbor in need.
97
00:05:24,927 --> 00:05:26,429
Pat, can I help you?
98
00:05:26,462 --> 00:05:28,865
Oh. Hi, Kathy.
99
00:05:28,898 --> 00:05:30,900
Every time I look
in your front window,
100
00:05:30,933 --> 00:05:33,736
I notice the clock
on your VCR is blinking.
101
00:05:33,770 --> 00:05:36,139
I could fix that
for you in a jiffy.
102
00:05:36,172 --> 00:05:38,374
Oh, uh, okay,
if you want to.
103
00:05:38,407 --> 00:05:40,143
Well, I can't do it
right now.
104
00:05:40,176 --> 00:05:42,411
I have to come back
when it's convenient for me.
105
00:05:42,445 --> 00:05:43,779
[chuckling]
106
00:05:47,316 --> 00:05:48,452
[humming]
107
00:05:51,921 --> 00:05:53,522
Hi, Tippy.
108
00:05:53,556 --> 00:05:56,059
Oh. Oh, Pat.
What do you want?
109
00:05:56,092 --> 00:05:57,293
I just thought
I'd stop by
110
00:05:57,326 --> 00:05:59,062
and pick up a few
personal items.
111
00:05:59,095 --> 00:06:00,830
Oh, no, no, no.
Please, remember?
112
00:06:00,863 --> 00:06:03,399
No, I don't want to know
about your sex life, okay?
113
00:06:03,432 --> 00:06:05,267
I just want to get
a few toiletries.
114
00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:08,270
Uh, first of all,
I need some protection.
115
00:06:08,303 --> 00:06:10,005
Oh, dear God. Okay.
All right.
116
00:06:10,038 --> 00:06:11,240
From underarm wetness.
117
00:06:11,273 --> 00:06:14,009
I'm never one to offend.
118
00:06:14,042 --> 00:06:15,911
2.50, then, all right?
And you're out.
119
00:06:15,944 --> 00:06:17,446
What am I, in a race?
Whoa.
120
00:06:17,479 --> 00:06:19,047
Well, kind of. It's late.
121
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:20,249
And I need a lubricant.
122
00:06:20,282 --> 00:06:22,017
What?
123
00:06:22,050 --> 00:06:23,552
For my eyes.
They're drying up,
124
00:06:23,585 --> 00:06:25,821
due to the pollen
and dust in the air.
125
00:06:25,854 --> 00:06:27,289
Oh. Oh, great.
126
00:06:27,322 --> 00:06:29,191
Help me, someone.
Just help me.
127
00:06:29,224 --> 00:06:32,094
And I need
some feminine napkins.
128
00:06:32,127 --> 00:06:34,396
Oh, I'm in hell.
I am in hell now.
129
00:06:34,429 --> 00:06:35,831
You never
know when Aunt Wilma's
130
00:06:35,864 --> 00:06:37,099
going to stop by
for lunch.
131
00:06:37,132 --> 00:06:39,001
Thank you.
That's it, all right?
132
00:06:39,034 --> 00:06:40,435
- Guess so.
- Okay.
133
00:06:40,468 --> 00:06:42,004
There you go. It's yours.
134
00:06:42,037 --> 00:06:43,372
Okay. Don't you want me--
135
00:06:43,405 --> 00:06:44,573
Go now. Just go on--
136
00:06:44,606 --> 00:06:46,008
...pay or anything?
137
00:06:46,041 --> 00:06:47,910
No, it's on me.
Go ahead and go now.
138
00:06:47,943 --> 00:06:49,344
Okay? You're gone.
Bye-bye now.
139
00:06:49,377 --> 00:06:50,513
Bye.
140
00:06:54,015 --> 00:06:57,085
Tippy was clearly
unhappy in her job.
141
00:06:57,118 --> 00:06:58,854
Well, so are most people.
142
00:06:58,887 --> 00:07:01,323
Not me. I was
free as a bird.
143
00:07:01,356 --> 00:07:03,092
Girl:
...a very busy day.
144
00:07:12,467 --> 00:07:14,937
Man: I saw the guy.
They built right on him.
145
00:07:14,970 --> 00:07:16,372
[laughter, chatter]
146
00:07:17,939 --> 00:07:20,109
Hey. How you doing?
147
00:07:22,244 --> 00:07:25,480
Houston, we're proceeding
onto Silver Lake Drive...
148
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:28,417
past the magazine stand.
You copy?
149
00:07:41,596 --> 00:07:43,132
Ah-choo!
150
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:50,438
[speaking Japanese]
151
00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:51,973
...fella.
152
00:07:52,006 --> 00:07:54,342
[speaking Japanese]
153
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:03,251
[speaking Japanese]
154
00:08:15,029 --> 00:08:16,497
[blender starts]
155
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:29,043
Hey, sprechen-sie
Americano, por favor.
156
00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:30,211
[chuckling]
157
00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:38,586
Let me give you
a piece of advice, Kathy.
158
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,121
Hello.
159
00:08:40,154 --> 00:08:41,588
Don't ever work
in the restaurant business.
160
00:08:41,621 --> 00:08:43,591
They just expect you
to serve people.
161
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,426
[chuckling] I quit.
162
00:08:45,459 --> 00:08:47,094
Pat, I'm in a towel.
163
00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:49,063
Should I be embarrassed?
164
00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:50,932
Uh...
165
00:08:50,965 --> 00:08:52,600
What the hell
is in your nose?
166
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,201
Oh, tissues.
167
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,604
I have allergies
and sniffles.
168
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:59,674
You know, there are
millions and millions
of microscopic dust mites
169
00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:01,175
that live all over your body,
170
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,209
and conceivably
they can crawl up your nose
171
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:05,680
and lay eggs in your brain.
172
00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,647
Yeah, I've heard that, Pat.
173
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,216
Why don't you
just leave them in?
174
00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:10,484
No, it's all right.
175
00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:12,386
Pat, we have to have
a little chat, okay?
176
00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:15,021
You can't just barge in here
whenever you want to, okay?
177
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,024
I'm trying to get ready
for a date, all right?
178
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,559
And we really barely
know each other.
179
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:20,127
Oh. Well, you said
180
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,563
you wanted me to set
the clock on your VCR.
181
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:25,232
Once, Pat. I said it
once in passing.
182
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:26,401
Uh...
183
00:09:28,202 --> 00:09:29,402
Well,
it's really very simple.
184
00:09:29,435 --> 00:09:31,404
Any moron could do it.
185
00:09:31,437 --> 00:09:33,506
So you finally
got a date, huh?
186
00:09:33,539 --> 00:09:34,708
Ha ha. Yeah. Lucky me.
187
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,175
[beep]
188
00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:38,712
So what's his name
anyway?
189
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:41,280
That's none of your business,
Pat, okay?
190
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:43,116
I'm going to draw
a little boundary.
191
00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:45,986
I understand. You're a little
sensitive on that topic.
192
00:09:48,688 --> 00:09:51,624
So did I tell you
I'm unemployed?
193
00:09:51,657 --> 00:09:54,327
Yeah, about, uh, 400 times.
194
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,563
Say, do you think you could
make an announcement about it
195
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,999
at the radio station?
196
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:00,500
Absolutely not.
197
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:02,568
All right,
well, think it over.
198
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,471
But when you do
make the announcement,
199
00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:07,407
let me know. I want
to tell my friends
to tune in.
200
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,542
They don't listen
to your show normally.
201
00:10:09,575 --> 00:10:10,744
Oh.
202
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,016
Oh, I'm sorry. I got to go.
203
00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:17,183
Do you?
204
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:21,520
You're my best friend,
Kathy.
205
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:24,256
Oh, Am I?
206
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:25,492
Uh...
207
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:25,492
Okay.
208
00:10:25,525 --> 00:10:26,726
Bye-bye now.
209
00:10:26,759 --> 00:10:28,095
Okay.
210
00:10:31,230 --> 00:10:33,666
Unfortunately, I was
forced to take a job
211
00:10:33,699 --> 00:10:35,702
that was totally humiliating.
212
00:10:35,735 --> 00:10:38,171
I was beginning
to doubt my identity,
213
00:10:38,204 --> 00:10:40,040
my true purpose
in this world,
214
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:43,510
when suddenly the most
wonderful thing happened.
215
00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:56,121
Whoa. Is it hot in here,
or is it just me?
216
00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:57,323
[chuckling]
217
00:10:57,356 --> 00:10:59,491
This thing
is set at 82 degrees.
218
00:10:59,525 --> 00:11:01,560
Haven't you people ever
heard of sweaters?
219
00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:05,565
Can I help you?
220
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,668
Pat Riley,
Southland Gas Company.
221
00:11:10,702 --> 00:11:12,171
Uhh.
222
00:11:17,509 --> 00:11:18,677
[glass shatters]
223
00:11:18,710 --> 00:11:20,079
This is a disgrace.
224
00:11:20,112 --> 00:11:21,513
Hasn't anybody checked this?
225
00:11:21,546 --> 00:11:23,682
[grunting]
226
00:11:23,715 --> 00:11:25,283
[glass shatters]
227
00:11:25,317 --> 00:11:27,286
Excuse me. Um...
228
00:11:29,654 --> 00:11:31,356
Hello.
229
00:11:31,389 --> 00:11:33,424
Hi.
230
00:11:33,458 --> 00:11:34,726
Hi. I'm Chris.
231
00:11:34,759 --> 00:11:37,229
I'm--
I'm the bartender here.
232
00:11:37,262 --> 00:11:39,098
Hi. I'm Pat. I'm--
233
00:11:39,131 --> 00:11:42,201
I'm your gas management
specialist and advisor.
234
00:11:42,234 --> 00:11:43,502
Oh.
235
00:11:43,535 --> 00:11:45,704
Well, pleased
to meet you...
236
00:11:45,737 --> 00:11:47,306
gorgeous.
237
00:11:47,339 --> 00:11:50,242
The pleasure's all mine...
238
00:11:50,275 --> 00:11:51,544
you.
239
00:11:53,645 --> 00:11:54,780
Ahh!
240
00:12:14,166 --> 00:12:18,137
What's a person like you
doing in a place like this?
241
00:12:18,170 --> 00:12:20,606
You know, I ask myself
that all the time.
242
00:12:20,639 --> 00:12:23,542
I mean, I've got a PhD
in cultural anthropology,
243
00:12:23,575 --> 00:12:26,278
but I just love bartending.
244
00:12:26,311 --> 00:12:28,413
I've been here
for ten years now,
245
00:12:28,446 --> 00:12:30,649
and I've
just heard so many
incredible stories
246
00:12:30,682 --> 00:12:32,717
and met so many
fascinating...
247
00:12:32,751 --> 00:12:34,620
people.
248
00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:37,556
I wish I could find a job
I liked that much.
249
00:12:37,589 --> 00:12:39,825
Uh-huh.
250
00:12:37,589 --> 00:12:39,825
I'm overqualified
for Southland Gas.
251
00:12:39,858 --> 00:12:41,560
I'm already looking
for something else.
252
00:12:41,593 --> 00:12:44,296
I guess you could say
I'm a restless spirit,
253
00:12:44,329 --> 00:12:46,198
a lover, a liver of life.
254
00:12:46,231 --> 00:12:49,802
I'm eternally searching
for something more.
255
00:12:51,303 --> 00:12:52,703
Wow.
256
00:12:52,737 --> 00:12:56,941
I think you and I have
so much in common, Pat.
257
00:12:56,974 --> 00:12:59,544
Pat:
Do you like movies?
258
00:12:59,577 --> 00:13:02,313
Yes. Yes, I do.
I love movies.
259
00:13:02,346 --> 00:13:04,182
Oh, do you know
what I specially love
260
00:13:04,215 --> 00:13:05,649
are good movies.
261
00:13:05,683 --> 00:13:07,885
You're kidding.
I love good movies, too.
262
00:13:07,918 --> 00:13:09,954
Really? Oh.
You know what I hate
263
00:13:09,987 --> 00:13:11,389
are bad boring movies.
264
00:13:11,422 --> 00:13:14,325
Me, too.
We're so alike.
265
00:13:14,358 --> 00:13:15,493
[chuckle]
266
00:13:17,228 --> 00:13:19,497
I think that dinner
is probably one
267
00:13:19,530 --> 00:13:21,832
of my favorite meals
of the day.
268
00:13:21,865 --> 00:13:23,601
Mine, too.
269
00:13:23,634 --> 00:13:26,304
This is downright eerie.
270
00:13:26,337 --> 00:13:28,639
Oh, you want to know
another thing I hate?
271
00:13:28,672 --> 00:13:30,707
Senseless evil.
272
00:13:30,741 --> 00:13:32,443
I'm not even gonna tell you
273
00:13:32,476 --> 00:13:34,312
because
you won't believe it.
274
00:13:34,345 --> 00:13:36,513
[whispering]
Me, too.
275
00:13:38,582 --> 00:13:40,251
Once I got it home,
276
00:13:40,284 --> 00:13:41,986
I realized
I didn't like it.
277
00:13:42,019 --> 00:13:44,889
I mean, who wants
a plaid bath mat anyway?
278
00:13:44,922 --> 00:13:47,391
So I took it back
and exchanged it
279
00:13:47,424 --> 00:13:49,460
for a delicious tan one.
280
00:13:49,493 --> 00:13:53,263
Uh, or brown, really.
[chuckling]
281
00:13:53,297 --> 00:13:54,498
Ohh.
282
00:13:54,531 --> 00:13:57,401
Pat, you've led such
an amazing life.
283
00:13:57,434 --> 00:13:59,337
I find you-- I--
284
00:13:59,370 --> 00:14:01,872
I find everything
about you
285
00:14:01,905 --> 00:14:03,908
endlessly fascinating.
286
00:14:03,941 --> 00:14:05,777
Join the club.
287
00:14:07,344 --> 00:14:09,446
[Pat giggling]
288
00:14:11,649 --> 00:14:15,286
Hey, is that
a big fan of yours?
289
00:14:15,319 --> 00:14:17,422
That's my little joke.
290
00:14:18,956 --> 00:14:20,458
Oh!
291
00:14:26,630 --> 00:14:28,733
Take it easy, hon.
Take it easy.
292
00:14:28,766 --> 00:14:30,801
- Ohh!
- Okay. All right.
293
00:14:30,834 --> 00:14:32,503
Are you all right,
294
00:14:32,536 --> 00:14:34,905
um, uh, you there?
295
00:14:34,938 --> 00:14:36,339
yeah, hon,
did you break anything?
296
00:14:36,372 --> 00:14:38,440
I crushed my nuts.
297
00:14:38,474 --> 00:14:39,809
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
298
00:14:39,842 --> 00:14:41,311
That's got to hurt.
299
00:14:41,344 --> 00:14:43,412
Oh, shoot.
300
00:14:43,446 --> 00:14:46,316
There goes my afternoon snack.
301
00:14:46,349 --> 00:14:48,318
Chris: I know.
302
00:14:48,351 --> 00:14:49,686
[clatter]
303
00:14:49,719 --> 00:14:51,354
Who are you?
304
00:14:51,387 --> 00:14:54,357
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Kyle Jacobs,
305
00:14:54,390 --> 00:14:57,627
and this is my beautiful
wife Stacy.
306
00:14:57,660 --> 00:14:58,828
Hi.
307
00:14:58,861 --> 00:15:00,597
We just moved
into apartment 2F.
308
00:15:02,832 --> 00:15:04,668
I'm Chris. Hi.
309
00:15:04,701 --> 00:15:07,704
And this is Pat. Pat lives
across the way from you in 2B.
310
00:15:07,737 --> 00:15:10,440
2B or not 2B,
that is my apartment.
311
00:15:10,473 --> 00:15:12,442
Oh, boy.
312
00:15:12,475 --> 00:15:14,344
Oh, wow.
Come on, let's go.
313
00:15:14,377 --> 00:15:15,545
Okay.
314
00:15:15,578 --> 00:15:17,314
Stacy: Bye-bye.
315
00:15:18,648 --> 00:15:20,016
Strange couple.
316
00:15:20,049 --> 00:15:22,952
You know,
you can't really tell.
317
00:15:22,985 --> 00:15:24,454
It's peculiar.
318
00:15:24,487 --> 00:15:25,755
Yeah, it's peculiar,
319
00:15:25,788 --> 00:15:28,958
yet wondrously provocative.
320
00:15:28,991 --> 00:15:30,560
[scoff]
321
00:15:30,593 --> 00:15:31,861
Kyle!
322
00:15:31,894 --> 00:15:33,096
What?
323
00:15:33,129 --> 00:15:34,931
Guy.
324
00:15:34,964 --> 00:15:37,434
Save that filth
for the bedroom.
325
00:15:39,135 --> 00:15:41,571
[Pat, Chris moaning]
326
00:15:43,639 --> 00:15:45,108
Both: Will you marry me?
327
00:15:45,141 --> 00:15:46,843
Both: Yes.
328
00:15:46,876 --> 00:15:48,078
[laughing]
329
00:15:48,111 --> 00:15:49,479
- Ahh.
- Uhh.
330
00:15:49,512 --> 00:15:50,914
You know something?
331
00:15:52,682 --> 00:15:55,018
I love to stroke
your pussy, Pat.
332
00:15:55,051 --> 00:15:56,453
I know.
333
00:15:56,486 --> 00:15:58,455
Muffy likes it, too.
334
00:15:58,488 --> 00:15:59,623
[meow]
335
00:16:08,531 --> 00:16:10,700
Hi, sunshine boy.
336
00:16:10,733 --> 00:16:12,102
I am going
to the grocery store.
337
00:16:12,135 --> 00:16:13,536
Can I get you anything?
338
00:16:13,569 --> 00:16:14,771
No. Thanks.
339
00:16:14,804 --> 00:16:15,972
Okay.
340
00:16:16,005 --> 00:16:17,740
- Nuts.
- Hmm?
341
00:16:17,773 --> 00:16:19,908
Uh, maybe some nuts.
342
00:16:19,941 --> 00:16:22,578
I've been having this weird
craving for nuts lately, okay?
343
00:16:22,611 --> 00:16:25,481
Okay. Nuts it is.
344
00:16:25,514 --> 00:16:27,883
Oh. By the way, I was just
down in the laundry room,
345
00:16:27,916 --> 00:16:30,419
and I saw our weird
new neighbor Pat.
346
00:16:30,452 --> 00:16:32,521
What's Pat's laundry like?
347
00:16:32,554 --> 00:16:34,689
I don't know what Pat's
laundry is like.
348
00:16:34,723 --> 00:16:35,991
It's not like I go around
349
00:16:36,024 --> 00:16:37,559
looking at people's
dirty laundry.
350
00:16:38,994 --> 00:16:42,064
What? There was, you know,
bras, panties,
351
00:16:42,097 --> 00:16:43,766
boxer shorts, jock straps.
352
00:16:43,799 --> 00:16:45,968
Well, Pat was doing
laundry with Chris.
353
00:16:46,001 --> 00:16:47,636
They're engaged.
354
00:16:47,669 --> 00:16:50,473
And we're invited
to the engagement party.
355
00:16:52,541 --> 00:16:54,042
Great.
356
00:16:54,075 --> 00:16:56,645
Okay. Well, listen,
I got to go.
357
00:16:56,678 --> 00:16:58,547
Mmm.
358
00:16:58,580 --> 00:16:59,815
Bye.
359
00:17:08,656 --> 00:17:11,059
Kyle:
Pat, Pat, Pat.
360
00:17:11,092 --> 00:17:12,428
- Ooh!
- [glass breaks]
361
00:17:14,529 --> 00:17:17,566
What's in a name like Pat?
362
00:17:17,598 --> 00:17:20,101
One afternoon,
Chris surprised me
363
00:17:20,135 --> 00:17:21,636
by putting a new spin
on our relationship.
364
00:17:21,670 --> 00:17:23,439
[snoring]
365
00:17:23,472 --> 00:17:25,840
I thought we were so
clearly defined as a couple.
366
00:17:25,874 --> 00:17:28,677
Had we fallen into a certain
kind of role playing
367
00:17:28,710 --> 00:17:30,646
from which we could
never recover?
368
00:17:30,679 --> 00:17:31,847
[snoring]
369
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:33,048
[chuckling]
370
00:17:33,081 --> 00:17:35,984
What an exquisitely lazy day.
371
00:17:36,017 --> 00:17:37,186
Yeah.
372
00:17:37,219 --> 00:17:38,687
Well, you know,
it's Thursday.
373
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:39,955
You know, my day off.
374
00:17:39,988 --> 00:17:41,490
Uh-huh.
375
00:17:41,523 --> 00:17:44,760
So I guess you've got
the day off, too, huh?
376
00:17:44,793 --> 00:17:46,662
Yeah. I got fired
377
00:17:46,695 --> 00:17:49,932
from that security guard job
down at the La Brea Tar Pits.
378
00:17:49,965 --> 00:17:51,833
Those woolly mammoths
aren't kidding.
379
00:17:51,867 --> 00:17:54,101
Once you get stuck in the tar,
you never get out.
380
00:17:54,135 --> 00:17:55,571
Uh-huh. Yeah.
381
00:17:55,604 --> 00:17:56,805
Uh...
382
00:17:56,838 --> 00:17:58,841
gee, Pat, you know, I--
383
00:17:58,874 --> 00:18:00,608
I can't believe
you lost another job.
384
00:18:00,641 --> 00:18:01,809
I just--
385
00:18:01,842 --> 00:18:03,544
Oh, come on.
386
00:18:03,577 --> 00:18:05,112
I work like a dog.
387
00:18:05,145 --> 00:18:07,080
I had 23 jobs
last year.
388
00:18:07,114 --> 00:18:08,749
How many did you have?
389
00:18:08,782 --> 00:18:10,150
Just the one.
390
00:18:10,184 --> 00:18:14,055
Then I'd hardly call you
a big job expert.
391
00:18:14,088 --> 00:18:16,825
Pat, I think there's
something you should read.
392
00:18:17,992 --> 00:18:20,595
Uh, in this magazine,
393
00:18:20,628 --> 00:18:22,763
uh, they have a new study,
394
00:18:22,796 --> 00:18:25,566
and they found that if you
don't have a satisfying career
395
00:18:25,599 --> 00:18:27,201
by the time you're
in your early thirties,
396
00:18:27,234 --> 00:18:29,537
which you are, Pat,
397
00:18:29,570 --> 00:18:31,239
then you'll probably
never achieve
398
00:18:31,272 --> 00:18:33,707
any sort of real happiness,
your marriage will fail,
399
00:18:33,741 --> 00:18:35,643
and your chances
of finding a good job
400
00:18:35,676 --> 00:18:37,177
are, uh, about as likely
as your chances
401
00:18:37,211 --> 00:18:38,846
of being
struck by lightning.
402
00:18:38,879 --> 00:18:40,848
Well, actually,
being struck by lightning
403
00:18:40,881 --> 00:18:42,517
is more common than you think.
404
00:18:42,550 --> 00:18:44,252
I've been struck three times.
405
00:18:46,820 --> 00:18:49,223
Pat, I think you might
be missing the point.
406
00:18:49,256 --> 00:18:50,791
Uh...
407
00:18:50,824 --> 00:18:53,761
the point is, Pat,
408
00:18:53,794 --> 00:18:56,063
that, um, if you can't
commit to a job,
409
00:18:56,096 --> 00:18:57,832
then how can I
possibly expect you
410
00:18:57,865 --> 00:18:59,734
to commit to, you know,
say, a marriage?
411
00:18:59,767 --> 00:19:02,604
Ouch. Point taken.
412
00:19:07,741 --> 00:19:10,311
You're right, I should
try even harder.
413
00:19:10,344 --> 00:19:12,547
No, no. I, uh,
414
00:19:12,580 --> 00:19:13,781
I shouldn't
have said anything.
415
00:19:13,814 --> 00:19:15,016
I shouldn't meddle.
416
00:19:15,049 --> 00:19:16,317
No, that's good, come on.
417
00:19:16,350 --> 00:19:17,718
No, no, I should--
418
00:19:17,751 --> 00:19:18,953
This is a relationship.
419
00:19:18,986 --> 00:19:20,755
You should talk.
420
00:19:20,788 --> 00:19:22,657
Oh, Pat.
421
00:19:22,690 --> 00:19:25,026
Come on. It's
a beautiful sunny day.
422
00:19:25,059 --> 00:19:27,094
What do you say
we get up off our butts
423
00:19:27,127 --> 00:19:28,963
and go do something?
424
00:19:28,996 --> 00:19:30,865
Oh, do you want to go
for a hike?
425
00:19:30,898 --> 00:19:33,601
No. I know. Let's go
to the Burger Bag
426
00:19:33,634 --> 00:19:35,069
and get some fries.
427
00:19:35,102 --> 00:19:36,737
Okay, that's good. Yeah.
428
00:19:36,770 --> 00:19:38,138
- Come on.
- Let's do that. Okay.
429
00:19:40,774 --> 00:19:41,910
[giggling]
430
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:55,055
Wednesday, August 2,
11:05 p.m.
431
00:19:55,088 --> 00:19:57,723
Pat reads People magazine,
432
00:19:57,757 --> 00:20:00,760
watches "America's
Most Wanted,"
433
00:20:00,793 --> 00:20:04,298
writes in the computer.
434
00:20:10,770 --> 00:20:15,375
What a strange combination
of attraction and repulsion
435
00:20:15,408 --> 00:20:17,844
that I feel
for my neighbor Pat.
436
00:20:17,877 --> 00:20:20,379
I don't even know if Pat
is a man or a woman.
437
00:20:20,413 --> 00:20:23,216
Such a Sphinx-like riddle
438
00:20:23,249 --> 00:20:25,986
posed by the very
existence of Pat.
439
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,190
Stacy:
Kyle? What are you
doing in there?
440
00:20:30,223 --> 00:20:32,224
Uh, nothing, honey.
441
00:20:32,258 --> 00:20:33,760
I'll be out in a minute.
442
00:20:33,793 --> 00:20:35,329
Okay.
443
00:20:37,030 --> 00:20:38,764
[water running]
444
00:20:41,401 --> 00:20:43,136
Uh-huh.
445
00:20:43,169 --> 00:20:45,872
[humming]
446
00:20:45,905 --> 00:20:47,773
Oh, my God,
this is it.
447
00:20:45,905 --> 00:20:47,773
Ahh!
448
00:20:49,075 --> 00:20:50,944
11:07.
449
00:20:50,977 --> 00:20:52,112
Urination.
450
00:21:07,460 --> 00:21:09,429
You never get through
a carton of O.J.
451
00:21:09,462 --> 00:21:10,864
before it expires.
452
00:21:10,897 --> 00:21:12,699
Yeah. Me, either.
453
00:21:12,732 --> 00:21:14,401
What's up, Kyle?
454
00:21:14,434 --> 00:21:17,936
Oh, I just wanted to show you
my new video camera here.
455
00:21:17,970 --> 00:21:19,339
Here-- Here's my new
video camera.
456
00:21:19,372 --> 00:21:20,807
- Uh-huh.
- I just got it.
457
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:23,943
I could videotape
your honeymoon.
458
00:21:23,976 --> 00:21:26,945
I mean your
engagement party.
459
00:21:26,978 --> 00:21:28,748
Oh That'd be great.
460
00:21:29,815 --> 00:21:30,982
[chatter]
461
00:21:31,016 --> 00:21:32,217
♪ [dance]
462
00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:33,386
It's good to go.
463
00:21:36,855 --> 00:21:38,723
Hey, I've lived in the same
building with Pat
464
00:21:38,757 --> 00:21:40,359
for seven years.
I still have no idea.
465
00:21:40,392 --> 00:21:41,860
Yeah. That's why I came.
466
00:21:41,893 --> 00:21:43,228
I thought maybe
this Chris person
467
00:21:43,261 --> 00:21:45,097
would give us
some kind of a clue.
468
00:21:45,130 --> 00:21:47,199
I thought I'd find out
about Chris when I met Pat.
469
00:21:47,232 --> 00:21:48,701
Look at it this way,
honey:
470
00:21:48,734 --> 00:21:50,102
they're lucky to have
found each other.
471
00:21:50,135 --> 00:21:51,770
I guess there's
someone for everybody.
472
00:21:56,074 --> 00:21:57,376
Hi!
473
00:22:01,847 --> 00:22:03,049
[giggling]
474
00:22:06,752 --> 00:22:08,087
Hey, you two.
475
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,122
Here's a present
we got for you.
476
00:22:10,155 --> 00:22:12,424
Oh, looky what we got.
Attention, everybody!
477
00:22:12,457 --> 00:22:13,959
We got as present!
478
00:22:13,992 --> 00:22:15,160
[chuckling]
479
00:22:15,193 --> 00:22:16,328
Let's open it.
480
00:22:19,898 --> 00:22:21,467
- Oh!
- Oh!
481
00:22:21,500 --> 00:22:24,869
both:
This is something
we'll both enjoy.
482
00:22:24,903 --> 00:22:26,172
[laughing]
483
00:22:27,973 --> 00:22:29,875
Here, open mine.
484
00:22:29,908 --> 00:22:31,110
Ohh!
485
00:22:31,143 --> 00:22:32,845
I should get married
more often!
486
00:22:32,878 --> 00:22:34,246
Not if I can help it.
487
00:22:37,215 --> 00:22:38,884
- Ohh!
- Ohh!
488
00:22:38,917 --> 00:22:42,121
Now Chris will leave
my towels alone.
489
00:22:42,154 --> 00:22:43,888
Oh, you,
you're incorrigible.
490
00:22:43,922 --> 00:22:45,524
That's what you love
about me.
491
00:22:45,557 --> 00:22:46,924
It's true.
492
00:22:46,958 --> 00:22:48,360
You know
what I always say:
493
00:22:48,393 --> 00:22:50,762
we're made for each other.
[sputter]
494
00:22:50,796 --> 00:22:52,030
Eww.
495
00:22:53,265 --> 00:22:54,400
Oh, Pat.
496
00:22:56,935 --> 00:22:59,238
So, um, are you going
to change your name?
497
00:22:59,271 --> 00:23:01,206
- Which one are you asking?
- Either.
498
00:23:01,239 --> 00:23:02,808
No, no, no.
Pat and I don't believe
499
00:23:02,841 --> 00:23:04,009
in that kind of
sexist tradition.
500
00:23:04,042 --> 00:23:05,310
Do we, hon?
501
00:23:05,343 --> 00:23:06,512
Ohh.
502
00:23:06,545 --> 00:23:07,945
But wouldn't it
be so romantic
503
00:23:07,978 --> 00:23:09,147
to have the same last name?
504
00:23:09,180 --> 00:23:11,349
Oh, gee, I don't know.
505
00:23:11,382 --> 00:23:12,950
What do you think?
Think we should?
506
00:23:12,983 --> 00:23:14,952
- I don't know. Do you?
- It's up to you.
507
00:23:14,985 --> 00:23:16,320
It's kind of your
decision.
508
00:23:16,353 --> 00:23:18,356
I really think
you should decide.
509
00:23:18,389 --> 00:23:21,125
Okay. I think this
is a conversation
510
00:23:21,158 --> 00:23:23,928
we should be having
at home.
511
00:23:23,961 --> 00:23:25,462
Do it now.
512
00:23:25,496 --> 00:23:26,865
[chatter]
513
00:23:30,401 --> 00:23:33,071
Okay, everybody,
we've got a little show.
514
00:23:34,538 --> 00:23:35,940
Uh, attention, everybody!
515
00:23:35,973 --> 00:23:38,109
This is my engagement party!
516
00:23:38,142 --> 00:23:39,544
[slurp]
517
00:23:39,577 --> 00:23:43,414
And now Chris and I
would like
518
00:23:43,447 --> 00:23:46,150
to sing a song for you.
[chuckling]
519
00:23:46,183 --> 00:23:47,350
We would?
520
00:23:47,384 --> 00:23:49,820
Yes, sir, the magic
of karaoke.
521
00:23:49,854 --> 00:23:51,021
Hit it!
522
00:23:51,055 --> 00:23:52,390
Pat--
523
00:23:52,423 --> 00:23:53,924
[whispering]
I'll lead and you follow.
524
00:23:53,958 --> 00:23:55,860
[music starts]
525
00:23:55,893 --> 00:24:02,967
♪ Everybody
loves somebody sometime ♪
526
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:08,405
♪ Everybody
falls in love somehow ♪
527
00:24:08,439 --> 00:24:13,845
♪ Something in your kiss
just told me ♪
528
00:24:13,878 --> 00:24:16,280
♪ My sometime ♪
529
00:24:16,313 --> 00:24:17,481
Kyle?
530
00:24:17,514 --> 00:24:20,351
♪ Is now ♪
531
00:24:20,384 --> 00:24:23,855
People, you're talking again!
532
00:24:23,888 --> 00:24:25,389
♪ [rock beat]
533
00:24:25,422 --> 00:24:27,991
♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪
534
00:24:28,025 --> 00:24:29,260
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
535
00:24:29,293 --> 00:24:31,562
♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪
536
00:24:31,595 --> 00:24:33,297
♪ Uhh ♪
537
00:24:33,330 --> 00:24:35,433
♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪
538
00:24:35,466 --> 00:24:36,934
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
539
00:24:36,967 --> 00:24:39,503
♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪
540
00:24:39,536 --> 00:24:41,205
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
541
00:24:41,238 --> 00:24:43,975
♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪
542
00:24:45,209 --> 00:24:47,044
♪ Oh, yeah... ♪
543
00:24:47,077 --> 00:24:48,613
- Honey?
- What?
544
00:24:48,646 --> 00:24:50,380
Don't you think
you've had enough?
545
00:24:50,413 --> 00:24:52,549
No, I don't. I don't
think I'll ever have enough.
546
00:24:52,582 --> 00:24:57,187
Kyle, you have been
so strangely lately,
547
00:24:57,220 --> 00:24:59,422
ever since we moved
into this building.
548
00:24:59,455 --> 00:25:02,292
Ever since we moved
here with Pat.
549
00:25:03,526 --> 00:25:05,128
What are you talking about?
550
00:25:05,161 --> 00:25:07,998
Stacy, that is a neighbor,
551
00:25:08,031 --> 00:25:11,334
a person that lives
in the building, that's all.
552
00:25:11,367 --> 00:25:14,070
Yeah, well, why are you
so obsessed with him?
553
00:25:14,103 --> 00:25:16,640
Her? It?
554
00:25:16,673 --> 00:25:18,074
Obsessed?
555
00:25:18,107 --> 00:25:19,476
Yes.
556
00:25:19,509 --> 00:25:21,278
I think it's ruining
our life together.
557
00:25:21,311 --> 00:25:22,479
Mmm.
558
00:25:22,512 --> 00:25:24,481
Wouldn't that be wonderful
559
00:25:24,514 --> 00:25:26,316
if all the problems
of our relationship
560
00:25:26,349 --> 00:25:29,152
could be boiled down
to one pat answer.
561
00:25:31,187 --> 00:25:32,623
There you go again.
562
00:25:34,123 --> 00:25:36,558
An androgyne
has come between us.
563
00:25:36,592 --> 00:25:39,028
You know, it's weird.
564
00:25:39,062 --> 00:25:40,197
It's almost as if--
565
00:25:42,198 --> 00:25:43,667
as if--
566
00:25:45,301 --> 00:25:47,237
Oh, God.
567
00:25:47,270 --> 00:25:49,439
You're in love with Pat,
aren't you?
568
00:25:49,472 --> 00:25:52,976
Whoa.
What are you, insane?
569
00:25:53,009 --> 00:25:55,077
Stacy, that's the most
ridiculous thing
570
00:25:55,111 --> 00:25:56,646
- I've ever heard.
- God!
571
00:25:56,679 --> 00:25:58,715
[sobbing]
572
00:25:58,748 --> 00:26:00,115
[door closes]
573
00:26:00,149 --> 00:26:01,318
Ohh...
574
00:26:01,351 --> 00:26:02,518
[sobbing]
575
00:26:02,552 --> 00:26:03,954
Love.
576
00:26:03,987 --> 00:26:05,956
What's love
got to do with this
577
00:26:05,989 --> 00:26:09,459
when you love something
you don't understand?
578
00:26:09,492 --> 00:26:12,529
Dear Diary: My performance
at the engagement party
579
00:26:12,562 --> 00:26:15,498
was a triumph. I know that
I've found my true calling.
580
00:26:15,531 --> 00:26:16,700
I'm an artist.
581
00:26:16,733 --> 00:26:18,101
Kyle: Ding-dong.
582
00:26:18,134 --> 00:26:19,301
Am I interrupting anything?
583
00:26:19,335 --> 00:26:21,304
Oh, no,
just keeping a record
584
00:26:21,337 --> 00:26:23,006
of my innermost
thoughts and feelings
585
00:26:23,039 --> 00:26:24,708
right here
in my laptop diary.
586
00:26:24,741 --> 00:26:26,977
Really? What kind of stuff
do you put in here?
587
00:26:27,010 --> 00:26:31,081
Oh, just anything
anyone could conceivably
want to know about me.
588
00:26:31,114 --> 00:26:34,482
Wow. I know people who would
give anything to read this.
589
00:26:34,516 --> 00:26:37,018
No way, José.
This is raw, uncensored,
590
00:26:37,052 --> 00:26:39,021
and completely personal data.
591
00:26:39,054 --> 00:26:40,989
Do tell.
592
00:26:41,023 --> 00:26:42,190
So...
593
00:26:44,159 --> 00:26:46,729
Oh, whoa, Pat.
594
00:26:46,762 --> 00:26:49,231
Is that a banana
in your pocket,
595
00:26:49,264 --> 00:26:52,067
or are you just happy
to see me?
596
00:26:52,100 --> 00:26:54,136
No, it's a banana.
597
00:26:54,169 --> 00:26:55,371
If you're hungry,
get your own.
598
00:26:55,404 --> 00:26:56,572
This is my snack.
599
00:26:56,605 --> 00:26:58,374
Fine, fine.
600
00:26:58,407 --> 00:27:00,542
Oh, Pat, listen,
I've got great news.
601
00:27:00,575 --> 00:27:03,578
You were so incredible
602
00:27:03,612 --> 00:27:05,080
the other night
at the karaoke bar
603
00:27:05,113 --> 00:27:07,416
that I sent my videotape
of your performance
604
00:27:07,449 --> 00:27:09,151
to one of those
home video TV shows,
605
00:27:09,184 --> 00:27:11,620
and they want to put you
on the air.
606
00:27:11,653 --> 00:27:13,555
Oh, that's great!
607
00:27:13,588 --> 00:27:15,457
All you have to do is
sign this release form.
608
00:27:15,490 --> 00:27:16,725
- Okay?
- Ohh!
609
00:27:16,758 --> 00:27:18,760
All right.
610
00:27:18,794 --> 00:27:20,229
Name.
611
00:27:20,262 --> 00:27:21,530
Okay.
612
00:27:21,563 --> 00:27:23,699
And this-- right there,
the "Sex" part.
613
00:27:23,732 --> 00:27:25,367
No, no problem.
614
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:27,102
That's my joke.
615
00:27:27,135 --> 00:27:29,471
That's very funny, Pat.
Very funny.
616
00:27:29,504 --> 00:27:32,741
Uh, do you have
a driver's license?
617
00:27:32,774 --> 00:27:34,676
Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
618
00:27:34,709 --> 00:27:36,445
Good.
619
00:27:36,478 --> 00:27:39,480
A dog got at it, but you can
still read the number.
620
00:27:39,514 --> 00:27:41,183
That's all they need.
621
00:27:41,216 --> 00:27:43,819
Yeah. Uh, do you have
a birth certificate?
622
00:27:43,852 --> 00:27:46,220
Uh, yes, I do, sir.
623
00:27:46,254 --> 00:27:47,623
Good,
good, good, good.
624
00:27:50,592 --> 00:27:52,527
Middlesex, New Jersey.
625
00:27:52,561 --> 00:27:55,197
The rest I can't make out.
626
00:27:55,230 --> 00:27:57,366
I know. Um...
627
00:27:57,399 --> 00:27:59,568
do you have a photo
of you in the nude?
628
00:27:59,601 --> 00:28:00,835
What?
629
00:28:00,869 --> 00:28:02,404
I don't know why.
630
00:28:02,437 --> 00:28:03,772
But apparently
it's something to do
631
00:28:03,805 --> 00:28:06,775
with, like, uh,
requirements to be on TV.
632
00:28:06,808 --> 00:28:09,111
They needed a photo
of you in the nude,
633
00:28:09,144 --> 00:28:10,612
kind of, you know,
totally...
634
00:28:10,645 --> 00:28:12,347
I haven't had one
taken of me recently.
635
00:28:12,380 --> 00:28:14,148
Well,
I think any photo--
636
00:28:14,181 --> 00:28:16,250
They said any photo
in the nude would do.
637
00:28:16,283 --> 00:28:17,651
- I remember that now.
- I do have one.
638
00:28:17,685 --> 00:28:18,820
Good.
639
00:28:20,521 --> 00:28:22,490
I have to get this back.
It's kind of an heirloom.
640
00:28:22,523 --> 00:28:23,725
Just give it to me, Pat.
641
00:28:27,194 --> 00:28:29,197
That's...useless.
642
00:28:29,230 --> 00:28:30,798
When am I going to be on TV?
643
00:28:30,831 --> 00:28:34,401
[phone rings]
644
00:28:34,435 --> 00:28:37,605
Hey, I'm gonna be on TV!
645
00:28:37,638 --> 00:28:40,274
Hi. Did I tell you
I was going to be on TV?
646
00:28:40,307 --> 00:28:41,709
Oh, I did, huh?
647
00:28:41,742 --> 00:28:43,078
Okay, bye.
648
00:28:48,682 --> 00:28:50,251
Howdy, Tippy.
649
00:28:50,284 --> 00:28:51,786
Boy, do I have
something to tell you.
650
00:28:51,819 --> 00:28:53,254
What, Pat?
What do you want?
651
00:28:53,287 --> 00:28:55,690
I'm going to be on TV.
652
00:28:55,723 --> 00:28:57,525
Oh, dear God.
653
00:28:57,558 --> 00:28:58,726
Well...
654
00:28:58,759 --> 00:29:01,362
[gurgling]
655
00:29:03,297 --> 00:29:04,799
Thursday night at 9.
656
00:29:06,534 --> 00:29:08,669
Thursday night at 9,
Channel 12--
657
00:29:08,702 --> 00:29:10,138
[gurgling]
658
00:29:11,472 --> 00:29:13,774
Guess what, Kathy.
I'm gonna be on TV.
659
00:29:13,807 --> 00:29:15,376
Who's there?
660
00:29:15,409 --> 00:29:17,178
Who do you think?
661
00:29:18,479 --> 00:29:19,647
Hey, you know what?
662
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:21,481
My key works
in your door, too.
663
00:29:21,515 --> 00:29:23,151
Isn't that great?
664
00:29:23,184 --> 00:29:25,586
Tonight's the night
of my big broadcast.
665
00:29:25,619 --> 00:29:27,688
I'm on the verge
of superstardom.
666
00:29:27,721 --> 00:29:32,293
Should I buy a house in Malibu
or the Hollywood Hills?
667
00:29:32,326 --> 00:29:34,929
I don't know, but I sure
wish you'd buy a new car.
668
00:29:34,962 --> 00:29:37,431
I mean, this driver's ed
car is ridiculous.
669
00:29:37,464 --> 00:29:40,401
Was it ridiculous
to spend only $500
670
00:29:40,434 --> 00:29:42,270
at the Pine Cone High
Rummage Sale?
671
00:29:42,303 --> 00:29:44,205
I don't think so.
672
00:29:44,238 --> 00:29:46,607
What's eating you?
673
00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:48,943
I'm just worried
you're getting
a little carried away,
674
00:29:48,976 --> 00:29:51,212
that's all. I want you
to try and remember
675
00:29:51,245 --> 00:29:52,647
this is
just a short segment
676
00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:55,216
on one of those silly
home video shows, okay?
677
00:29:55,249 --> 00:29:58,285
You're jealous that I found
such a fulfilling career.
678
00:29:58,318 --> 00:29:59,753
I am not jealous.
679
00:29:59,786 --> 00:30:02,355
I'm sorry I put
a positive spin on things.
680
00:30:02,388 --> 00:30:04,591
Maybe I should be
gloomier, like you.
681
00:30:04,624 --> 00:30:07,494
I happen to be very proud
that you're going to be on TV.
682
00:30:07,527 --> 00:30:09,362
I just want you
to be realistic.
683
00:30:09,395 --> 00:30:10,864
I mean,
this isn't necessarily
going to pan out
684
00:30:10,897 --> 00:30:12,265
into a career, you know.
685
00:30:12,298 --> 00:30:13,466
That's
exactly what you said
686
00:30:13,499 --> 00:30:14,935
when I wanted to be
a brain surgeon.
687
00:30:14,968 --> 00:30:16,336
Oh. And?
688
00:30:16,369 --> 00:30:17,571
How was I supposed to know
689
00:30:17,604 --> 00:30:19,239
you needed 12 years
of medical school?
690
00:30:19,272 --> 00:30:20,506
What a scam.
691
00:30:21,941 --> 00:30:23,476
I'm going the back way.
692
00:30:23,509 --> 00:30:25,212
Pat, we should
go straight.
693
00:30:25,245 --> 00:30:26,947
[arguing]
694
00:30:29,816 --> 00:30:31,518
For once, would you
not argue with me?
695
00:30:31,551 --> 00:30:34,554
Pat, you are impossible
to deal with
696
00:30:34,587 --> 00:30:35,822
when you're like this.
697
00:30:35,855 --> 00:30:37,925
You're like a child.
698
00:30:42,829 --> 00:30:45,698
Tonight at 9, Channel 12!
699
00:30:48,668 --> 00:30:50,870
Announcer on TV:
Now here she is,
your hostess,
700
00:30:50,903 --> 00:30:53,907
- Arleen Sorkin
- [applause]
701
00:30:53,940 --> 00:30:56,810
Welcome back to America's
Creepiest People,
702
00:30:56,843 --> 00:30:58,378
the show that allows us
703
00:30:58,411 --> 00:31:00,013
to feel a little bit
better about ourselves
704
00:31:00,046 --> 00:31:02,582
by giving us
the opportunity to laugh
705
00:31:02,615 --> 00:31:04,417
at those who are
less fortunate.
706
00:31:04,450 --> 00:31:06,820
What you are about
to know is...
707
00:31:06,853 --> 00:31:08,788
Now the whole world will know
708
00:31:08,821 --> 00:31:11,390
the splendor that is Pat.
709
00:31:11,424 --> 00:31:13,660
For this next segment,
we recommend
710
00:31:13,693 --> 00:31:15,295
viewer discretion.
711
00:31:15,328 --> 00:31:16,763
If you have small children,
712
00:31:16,796 --> 00:31:19,833
you may want them
to leave the room.
713
00:31:19,866 --> 00:31:21,901
♪ Uh, freak out ♪
714
00:31:21,934 --> 00:31:24,371
♪ Le freak, le chic ♪
715
00:31:24,404 --> 00:31:25,772
♪ Freak out ♪
716
00:31:25,805 --> 00:31:27,574
Mmm.
717
00:31:27,607 --> 00:31:29,376
♪ Aw, freak out ♪
718
00:31:29,409 --> 00:31:31,811
Kyle, are you all right?
719
00:31:31,844 --> 00:31:33,380
♪ Freak out ♪
720
00:31:33,413 --> 00:31:35,816
I'm fine. Uh, no problem.
721
00:31:37,383 --> 00:31:38,751
It's just that you've
been in there
722
00:31:38,784 --> 00:31:40,386
for three days.
723
00:31:40,419 --> 00:31:42,388
I need time to think.
724
00:31:43,655 --> 00:31:46,458
Fine. I'm going out.
725
00:31:46,491 --> 00:31:48,794
♪ Le freak, c'est chic ♪
726
00:31:48,827 --> 00:31:50,263
Ohh.
727
00:31:54,333 --> 00:31:55,968
Where's that stupid remote?
728
00:31:56,001 --> 00:31:57,403
Ohh!
729
00:32:02,374 --> 00:32:03,509
Oh!
730
00:32:05,410 --> 00:32:07,946
♪ It surely can be done ♪
731
00:32:07,979 --> 00:32:12,418
♪ Young and old
are doin' it, I'm told ♪
732
00:32:12,451 --> 00:32:16,021
♪Just one try,
and you too will be sold ♪
733
00:32:16,054 --> 00:32:17,690
♪ It's called The Freak ♪
734
00:32:17,723 --> 00:32:19,358
♪ And they're doing it
night and day ♪
735
00:32:19,391 --> 00:32:20,826
[laughter]
736
00:32:20,859 --> 00:32:22,561
♪ Allow me,
I'll show you the way ♪
737
00:32:22,594 --> 00:32:26,398
♪ Aww, freak out ♪
738
00:32:26,431 --> 00:32:28,000
♪ Le freak, c'est chic ♪
739
00:32:28,033 --> 00:32:29,467
Freak out!
740
00:32:31,403 --> 00:32:32,905
♪ Aw, freak out ♪
741
00:32:34,539 --> 00:32:36,375
♪ Le freak,
c'est chic ♪
742
00:32:36,408 --> 00:32:37,642
♪ Freak out ♪
743
00:32:37,676 --> 00:32:39,011
See what I mean?
744
00:32:39,044 --> 00:32:40,813
Pretty creepy, huh?
745
00:32:40,846 --> 00:32:42,381
Creepy?
746
00:32:42,414 --> 00:32:44,616
Well, I think that was
sort of magnificent...
747
00:32:44,649 --> 00:32:49,554
in that uniquely
Pat-like way of Pat's.
748
00:32:49,588 --> 00:32:53,125
Oh, who can unravel
the enigma of Pat?
749
00:32:53,158 --> 00:32:55,828
To answer that question,
we have with us today
750
00:32:55,861 --> 00:32:59,031
Camille Paglia, author
of the bestselling book
751
00:32:59,064 --> 00:33:00,599
Sexual Persona.
752
00:33:00,632 --> 00:33:02,101
[applause]
753
00:33:02,134 --> 00:33:04,770
So what do you make
of this Pat person
754
00:33:04,803 --> 00:33:06,472
we've just seen?
755
00:33:06,505 --> 00:33:07,706
Well, Arleen,
I am stunned
756
00:33:07,739 --> 00:33:09,108
by the Pat phenomenon.
757
00:33:09,141 --> 00:33:10,943
Pat symbolizes,
crystalizes,
758
00:33:10,976 --> 00:33:13,145
explodes the sexual
ambiguities
759
00:33:13,178 --> 00:33:14,545
of the 20th century.
760
00:33:14,579 --> 00:33:15,781
[applause]
761
00:33:15,814 --> 00:33:16,982
Thank you for that
762
00:33:17,015 --> 00:33:19,051
illuminating
analysis, Camille.
763
00:33:19,084 --> 00:33:21,018
[TV off]
764
00:33:21,051 --> 00:33:23,955
Pat, Pat, Pat.
765
00:33:23,988 --> 00:33:27,926
Would a Pat by any other name
smell as sweet?
766
00:33:30,528 --> 00:33:32,029
What if Stacy's right?
767
00:33:32,062 --> 00:33:33,998
Could this be love?
768
00:33:34,031 --> 00:33:37,068
If so, what kind of love?
769
00:33:37,101 --> 00:33:40,972
How to account for these
peculiar passions of mine?
770
00:33:41,005 --> 00:33:42,740
Howdy, Kyle!
771
00:33:42,773 --> 00:33:43,908
Pat!
772
00:33:45,109 --> 00:33:46,610
Was that great or what?
773
00:33:46,644 --> 00:33:47,979
Oh, you were fantastic.
774
00:33:48,012 --> 00:33:49,513
Please,
come in, come in.
775
00:33:49,547 --> 00:33:50,715
All right.
776
00:33:50,748 --> 00:33:51,916
Make yourself
comfortable.
777
00:33:51,949 --> 00:33:53,184
Don't mind if I do.
778
00:33:53,217 --> 00:33:57,455
Make yourself
very comfortable, Pat.
779
00:33:57,488 --> 00:34:00,792
You know, Pat,
seeing you on television
780
00:34:00,825 --> 00:34:02,960
was-- I mean, I was--
781
00:34:02,993 --> 00:34:04,494
you were-- my God.
782
00:34:04,528 --> 00:34:06,164
I was kind of
a spectacle.
783
00:34:07,865 --> 00:34:10,802
Spectacular
is more the word, Pat.
784
00:34:10,835 --> 00:34:13,638
Super spectacular.
785
00:34:15,706 --> 00:34:17,108
You know, Pat...
786
00:34:17,141 --> 00:34:18,909
[romantic music starts]
787
00:34:18,943 --> 00:34:20,111
...this is a moment, Pat,
788
00:34:20,144 --> 00:34:22,647
that utterly demands
champagne.
789
00:34:22,679 --> 00:34:23,982
[chuckling]
790
00:34:25,683 --> 00:34:27,485
You know, Pat,
I wanted to tell you
791
00:34:27,518 --> 00:34:30,655
that the camera
really loves you.
792
00:34:30,688 --> 00:34:32,657
I mean, really, really--
793
00:34:32,690 --> 00:34:33,858
[cork pops]
794
00:34:33,891 --> 00:34:35,059
...loves you.
795
00:34:35,092 --> 00:34:36,694
Well, it's true
796
00:34:36,726 --> 00:34:38,596
I've always been
exceptionally photogenic.
797
00:34:38,629 --> 00:34:39,797
[chuckling]
798
00:34:39,830 --> 00:34:41,732
Ahh.
799
00:34:41,764 --> 00:34:45,069
A toast, then, to...
800
00:34:45,101 --> 00:34:48,839
to America's newest
superstar.
801
00:34:48,873 --> 00:34:50,141
[ding]
802
00:34:52,610 --> 00:34:55,079
Oh, this bubbly goes
straight to my head.
803
00:34:55,112 --> 00:34:56,447
Careful.
804
00:35:08,057 --> 00:35:10,827
Well, I don't really
feel like dancing, Kyle.
805
00:35:10,860 --> 00:35:12,628
Of course not.
806
00:35:12,662 --> 00:35:14,498
You must be...
807
00:35:14,531 --> 00:35:17,501
awfully exhausted
808
00:35:17,534 --> 00:35:20,036
after
such an exciting day.
809
00:35:20,069 --> 00:35:21,805
Well, it was on TV.
810
00:35:21,838 --> 00:35:23,206
I'm the luckiest man
in the world
811
00:35:23,239 --> 00:35:25,642
to be able to share
this moment with you, Pat.
812
00:35:25,675 --> 00:35:26,977
Kyle.
813
00:35:27,010 --> 00:35:28,245
Wow.
814
00:35:28,278 --> 00:35:30,113
Whoo.
815
00:35:30,146 --> 00:35:33,517
Is it hot in here,
or is it just me?
816
00:35:33,550 --> 00:35:36,219
Why don't you just loosen
up a little bit, Pat?
817
00:35:36,252 --> 00:35:38,522
Maybe we could,
uh, have some fun.
818
00:35:38,555 --> 00:35:41,858
Okay, I think I understand
what's going on here, Kyle.
819
00:35:41,891 --> 00:35:44,059
You got the wrong
impression about me.
820
00:35:44,093 --> 00:35:46,263
I mean, I like you
as a friend, okay?
821
00:35:46,296 --> 00:35:47,697
A friend.
822
00:35:47,730 --> 00:35:49,032
To tell you the truth,
823
00:35:49,065 --> 00:35:50,833
you're not exactly my type,
824
00:35:50,867 --> 00:35:53,135
if you know
what I'm saying.
825
00:35:53,169 --> 00:35:55,906
Plus, Kyle, you're married,
and I'm engaged,
826
00:35:55,939 --> 00:35:59,876
so... Oh, Kyle,
this is just embarrassing.
827
00:35:59,909 --> 00:36:01,111
I'm gonna go.
828
00:36:10,253 --> 00:36:14,257
Oh, sweet mystery that is Pat.
829
00:36:14,290 --> 00:36:16,626
"Why don't you
loosen up a little?"
830
00:36:16,659 --> 00:36:18,193
The guy needs therapy.
831
00:36:18,227 --> 00:36:19,930
Pat, you were, uh...
832
00:36:19,963 --> 00:36:21,098
Hi. Thank you.
833
00:36:22,732 --> 00:36:23,867
Thank you.
834
00:36:25,368 --> 00:36:27,938
Kathy,
so what did you think?
835
00:36:27,971 --> 00:36:32,242
Well, uh, it was so much
like the engagement party.
836
00:36:32,275 --> 00:36:33,876
It was
just like being there.
837
00:36:33,910 --> 00:36:35,612
I knew you'd love it.
838
00:36:35,645 --> 00:36:38,615
Hey, we have a celebrity
in the building!
839
00:36:38,648 --> 00:36:41,084
Me! [chuckling]
840
00:36:41,117 --> 00:36:43,086
I was brilliant.
841
00:36:43,119 --> 00:36:44,854
I know now that I was born
842
00:36:44,887 --> 00:36:47,256
to bring joy into
the lives of millions.
843
00:36:47,289 --> 00:36:48,724
[ring]
844
00:36:48,757 --> 00:36:51,026
Hello.
TV's Pat speaking.
845
00:36:51,059 --> 00:36:52,995
Chris: Hi. Hi, it's me.
846
00:36:53,028 --> 00:36:55,965
Uh, you were really great
on the show tonight.
847
00:36:55,998 --> 00:36:57,800
I know.
848
00:36:57,833 --> 00:37:00,135
Uh, look, Pat, uh,
849
00:37:00,168 --> 00:37:02,605
I'm really sorry
about earlier.
850
00:37:02,638 --> 00:37:04,306
Well, I understand
851
00:37:04,339 --> 00:37:07,009
how you can get
overemotional sometimes.
852
00:37:07,042 --> 00:37:08,744
No biggie.
853
00:37:08,777 --> 00:37:12,881
You know, Pat, you really
should follow your dreams.
854
00:37:12,914 --> 00:37:16,118
But, you know, maybe you
should just pick one dream
855
00:37:16,151 --> 00:37:18,020
and follow it, okay?
856
00:37:18,053 --> 00:37:19,221
Okay.
857
00:37:19,254 --> 00:37:21,957
So we're in love again,
right?
858
00:37:21,990 --> 00:37:23,292
Oh, Pat.
859
00:37:23,325 --> 00:37:25,728
We were never out of love.
860
00:37:25,761 --> 00:37:28,197
Oh, Chris, you believed
in me all along.
861
00:37:30,165 --> 00:37:31,400
Psst, Pat.
862
00:37:31,433 --> 00:37:32,801
Sorry. I have to go.
863
00:37:32,834 --> 00:37:34,069
There's somebody
at the window.
864
00:37:34,102 --> 00:37:35,337
[dial tone]
865
00:37:35,370 --> 00:37:40,009
Pat, you're
a wonderful person.
866
00:37:40,042 --> 00:37:42,210
All right, Kyle,
listen, uh,
867
00:37:42,244 --> 00:37:43,646
I have to go to bed.
868
00:37:43,679 --> 00:37:44,847
I'll talk to you later.
869
00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:46,248
Don't close the door
on my hand! Aah!
870
00:37:46,281 --> 00:37:47,616
[crash]
871
00:37:55,857 --> 00:37:58,093
Hey, weren't you
on TV last night?
872
00:37:58,126 --> 00:38:00,195
Yes, I was.
873
00:38:00,228 --> 00:38:02,264
Can we talk to you
for a minute?
874
00:38:02,297 --> 00:38:03,832
Okay.
875
00:38:03,865 --> 00:38:05,234
Pat, aren't you?
876
00:38:05,267 --> 00:38:06,802
Aw, who wants to know?
877
00:38:06,835 --> 00:38:08,370
Oh, we're Ween.
878
00:38:08,403 --> 00:38:09,805
What's a ween?
879
00:38:09,838 --> 00:38:11,206
We're a band, you know.
880
00:38:11,239 --> 00:38:12,808
That's Gene Ween,
and I'm Dean Ween.
881
00:38:12,841 --> 00:38:14,777
You know, like
Simon and Garfunkel,
882
00:38:14,810 --> 00:38:15,978
Peaches and Herb.
883
00:38:16,011 --> 00:38:17,212
It's kind of sad
884
00:38:17,245 --> 00:38:18,980
you got stuck with that name.
885
00:38:19,014 --> 00:38:21,050
Yeah, anyway, we're
doing a gig tonight,
886
00:38:21,083 --> 00:38:22,317
and we were wondering
if you wanted
887
00:38:22,350 --> 00:38:23,886
to come out and play.
888
00:38:23,919 --> 00:38:25,920
Great! I'm in a band!
889
00:38:25,954 --> 00:38:28,756
I hopped aboard that bus
890
00:38:28,789 --> 00:38:32,127
knowing I was on the road
to fame and fortune.
891
00:38:36,097 --> 00:38:38,833
[chanting]
Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween!
892
00:38:38,866 --> 00:38:41,336
Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween!
893
00:38:42,870 --> 00:38:44,139
One minute, Pat.
894
00:38:47,108 --> 00:38:49,209
Don't mind the cameras,
Pat.
895
00:38:49,243 --> 00:38:51,379
Do your thing, and you'll
look great in the video.
896
00:38:51,412 --> 00:38:52,747
Thank you.
897
00:38:54,348 --> 00:38:55,717
Pat.
898
00:38:55,750 --> 00:38:57,085
How exciting.
899
00:38:57,118 --> 00:38:59,821
Just think, all those
thousands of people
900
00:38:59,854 --> 00:39:02,122
looking at me
and only at me.
901
00:39:02,156 --> 00:39:05,393
All of them watching
and waiting for me
902
00:39:05,426 --> 00:39:07,862
to fill their lives
with meaning.
903
00:39:13,334 --> 00:39:14,802
Pat, you okay?
904
00:39:14,835 --> 00:39:16,237
Where's my axe?
905
00:39:16,270 --> 00:39:17,905
Your instrument's
set on stage.
906
00:39:17,938 --> 00:39:19,173
- All right.
- Knock 'em dead.
907
00:39:19,206 --> 00:39:20,408
Thank you.
908
00:39:20,441 --> 00:39:22,744
Ween! Ween! Ween!
909
00:39:22,777 --> 00:39:23,978
[cheering]
910
00:39:24,011 --> 00:39:26,081
Pat, we're Ween.
911
00:39:29,250 --> 00:39:32,987
[high voices]
♪ When you've had your fun ♪
912
00:39:33,020 --> 00:39:36,124
♪ And your work is done ♪
913
00:39:36,157 --> 00:39:40,361
♪ You must not succumb ♪
914
00:39:42,429 --> 00:39:45,233
♪ I can feel you breathe ♪
915
00:39:47,201 --> 00:39:51,172
♪ At least I can make
a Norwegian side ♪
916
00:39:51,205 --> 00:39:56,043
♪ Please don't hide ♪
917
00:39:56,076 --> 00:39:57,912
♪ So, Mom, if you please ♪
918
00:39:57,945 --> 00:40:00,448
♪ Pass me the pork roll,
egg, and cheese ♪
919
00:40:00,481 --> 00:40:03,517
♪ If you please,
on a Kaiser bun ♪
920
00:40:05,953 --> 00:40:07,288
♪ Mom, if you please ♪
921
00:40:07,321 --> 00:40:09,423
♪ Pass me the pork roll,
egg, and cheese ♪
922
00:40:09,456 --> 00:40:13,192
♪ If you please,
on a Kaiser bun ♪
923
00:40:16,062 --> 00:40:17,264
Hi. Thank you.
924
00:40:19,132 --> 00:40:21,334
Hey, you were incredible
tonight, Pat.
925
00:40:21,367 --> 00:40:22,503
Oh, you thought so, too?
926
00:40:24,304 --> 00:40:26,072
Pat, great show.
927
00:40:26,105 --> 00:40:27,940
Yeah, you were amazing.
928
00:40:27,974 --> 00:40:30,477
Well, the tuba is a sadly
overlooked instrument.
929
00:40:30,510 --> 00:40:32,479
Care for a mushroom?
930
00:40:32,512 --> 00:40:35,282
Oh, hey, I don't know
what's in these.
931
00:40:35,315 --> 00:40:37,317
These could be
psychedelic, right?
932
00:40:37,350 --> 00:40:39,286
Oh, I know about these
music industry parties:
933
00:40:39,319 --> 00:40:41,321
sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.
934
00:40:41,354 --> 00:40:42,790
Woo-hoo!
935
00:40:45,525 --> 00:40:47,327
[sitar music]
936
00:40:54,033 --> 00:40:55,868
[groaning]
937
00:41:00,540 --> 00:41:03,009
I see trails...
938
00:41:03,042 --> 00:41:06,078
the realistic pillows.
939
00:41:07,647 --> 00:41:13,286
Gene, you have a polka-dot
monkey on your nose.
940
00:41:13,319 --> 00:41:16,422
Pat, those aren't
hallucinogenic
mushrooms.
941
00:41:16,456 --> 00:41:17,858
They're from Safeway.
942
00:41:19,225 --> 00:41:21,360
Oh.
943
00:41:21,394 --> 00:41:24,064
Hey, you guys,
I played with the Ween!
944
00:41:24,097 --> 00:41:25,332
- What?
- Ohh.
945
00:41:25,365 --> 00:41:26,567
Gross.
946
00:41:27,634 --> 00:41:29,101
I played with the Ween!
947
00:41:30,270 --> 00:41:32,906
Hey,
I played with the Ween!
948
00:41:32,939 --> 00:41:34,908
Hey, everybody!
949
00:41:34,941 --> 00:41:37,511
I can't believe
you did this!
950
00:41:40,647 --> 00:41:42,282
I want a divorce.
951
00:41:46,552 --> 00:41:48,555
[playing "Three Blind Mice"]
952
00:42:00,599 --> 00:42:01,934
Ohh!
953
00:42:12,077 --> 00:42:13,212
Ahem!
954
00:42:14,579 --> 00:42:16,082
Mm-hmm.
955
00:42:21,353 --> 00:42:22,922
Hey, dudes!
956
00:42:22,955 --> 00:42:26,058
Well, just another gig.
957
00:42:26,091 --> 00:42:28,193
Are you ready
to rock 'n' roll?
958
00:42:28,226 --> 00:42:30,062
Hey, Pat, what's up?
959
00:42:30,095 --> 00:42:32,665
Just getting ready
for the next gig.
960
00:42:32,698 --> 00:42:37,069
Oh. Pat, I think there's
been a misunderstanding.
961
00:42:37,102 --> 00:42:38,971
We just wanted to get
some footage of you
962
00:42:39,004 --> 00:42:40,172
for our next video.
963
00:42:40,205 --> 00:42:41,540
You were great
and everything,
964
00:42:41,573 --> 00:42:43,075
but that's
all we needed.
965
00:42:43,108 --> 00:42:44,376
Well, maybe I should go out
966
00:42:44,409 --> 00:42:46,478
as a surprise
bonus attraction.
967
00:42:46,511 --> 00:42:49,181
No, it's too late
to change the lineup.
968
00:42:50,615 --> 00:42:52,417
Well, maybe I could
just jam with the band
969
00:42:52,451 --> 00:42:54,420
as a special celebrity guest.
970
00:42:54,453 --> 00:42:57,556
We appreciate that,
but we just can't do it.
971
00:43:03,362 --> 00:43:05,030
I'll perform for free.
972
00:43:05,063 --> 00:43:07,333
I'm sorry, Pat.
Not tonight.
973
00:43:08,700 --> 00:43:10,234
Okey-dokey.
974
00:43:10,268 --> 00:43:11,404
Well...
975
00:43:12,604 --> 00:43:14,306
see you at the next gig.
976
00:43:14,339 --> 00:43:15,641
Pat, try to understand
977
00:43:15,674 --> 00:43:17,142
we booked you for just
one performance.
978
00:43:17,175 --> 00:43:19,244
That's all.
We were filming a video.
979
00:43:19,277 --> 00:43:21,313
Didn't you read the contract
we gave you to sign?
980
00:43:21,346 --> 00:43:23,515
Well, yes, of course I did,
981
00:43:23,548 --> 00:43:26,618
but I can hardly be expected
to read all the fine print.
982
00:43:26,651 --> 00:43:28,687
I mean, I just
naturally assumed
983
00:43:28,720 --> 00:43:30,422
that I would go
on tour with you
984
00:43:30,455 --> 00:43:33,325
and then I would get
a record contract of my own
985
00:43:33,358 --> 00:43:35,560
and have a fabulous
music career.
986
00:43:35,593 --> 00:43:38,162
Isn't that standard contract?
987
00:43:38,195 --> 00:43:40,065
No, not as such.
988
00:43:42,366 --> 00:43:44,568
You guys were
nothing without me!
989
00:43:48,439 --> 00:43:50,441
I hate show biz!
990
00:43:50,474 --> 00:43:52,443
It's a cutthroat industry!
991
00:43:52,476 --> 00:43:54,045
Aw, I know, hon, I know.
992
00:43:54,078 --> 00:43:56,246
All I am to them
is a body, an image!
993
00:43:56,280 --> 00:43:57,548
I understand.
994
00:43:57,581 --> 00:43:59,217
To them I'm just
a piece of meat
995
00:43:59,250 --> 00:44:01,485
to be chewed up
and spit out!
996
00:44:01,519 --> 00:44:02,687
[sobbing]
997
00:44:02,720 --> 00:44:04,088
Oh, Pat.
998
00:44:04,121 --> 00:44:05,490
Maybe
it's all for the best.
999
00:44:05,523 --> 00:44:08,159
Feel sorrier for me!
1000
00:44:08,192 --> 00:44:10,293
How can I feel sorry for you
1001
00:44:10,327 --> 00:44:12,296
when you feel
so sorry for yourself?
1002
00:44:12,329 --> 00:44:14,265
I miss my career.
1003
00:44:14,298 --> 00:44:16,100
[whining]
1004
00:44:16,133 --> 00:44:17,668
I miss the limelight
1005
00:44:17,701 --> 00:44:20,438
and the adulation
of thousands!
1006
00:44:20,471 --> 00:44:24,342
Oh, Pat, being famous
and having a career,
1007
00:44:24,375 --> 00:44:26,543
they're-- they're
not the same thing.
1008
00:44:26,577 --> 00:44:28,746
What are you talking about?
1009
00:44:28,779 --> 00:44:31,349
Well, a career implies
having a skill.
1010
00:44:31,382 --> 00:44:32,583
You think I'm untalented!
1011
00:44:32,616 --> 00:44:34,118
No, I don't.
1012
00:44:34,151 --> 00:44:35,753
I'll show you!
I'm a renaissance person!
1013
00:44:35,786 --> 00:44:37,355
I don't understand
why you insist
1014
00:44:37,388 --> 00:44:39,090
on blowing this thing
so out of proportion.
1015
00:44:39,123 --> 00:44:40,758
I don't think you know
what you want out of life.
1016
00:44:40,791 --> 00:44:44,362
I just want fame and riches.
Is that too much to ask?
1017
00:44:44,395 --> 00:44:46,464
Oh, Pat.
1018
00:44:46,497 --> 00:44:51,169
Those are the goals
of an empty soul, Pat...
1019
00:44:51,202 --> 00:44:54,238
one that I frankly
do not want to spend
1020
00:44:54,271 --> 00:44:56,207
a whole lot of time with,
so--
1021
00:44:56,240 --> 00:44:57,842
And you're not being
supportive enough!
1022
00:44:57,875 --> 00:45:00,277
I need something
for me right now!
1023
00:45:02,279 --> 00:45:03,815
Come on.
1024
00:45:05,149 --> 00:45:06,284
No.
1025
00:45:07,451 --> 00:45:09,186
Well, I'm not gonna beg.
1026
00:45:12,656 --> 00:45:14,458
Where am I?
1027
00:45:14,492 --> 00:45:17,527
What kind of spell
have I been under, Pat?
1028
00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:19,830
I mean, you and I
are clearly
1029
00:45:19,863 --> 00:45:22,365
fundamentally incompatible,
1030
00:45:22,398 --> 00:45:23,767
and I just think--
1031
00:45:23,800 --> 00:45:26,103
I think we should
call it quits, Pat.
1032
00:45:26,136 --> 00:45:29,673
I think it's...
over between us,
1033
00:45:29,706 --> 00:45:32,242
and, uh,
I should be going.
1034
00:45:32,275 --> 00:45:33,744
Goodbye, Pat.
1035
00:45:36,179 --> 00:45:37,448
[sobbing]
1036
00:45:41,751 --> 00:45:43,319
Dear Diary:
1037
00:45:43,353 --> 00:45:45,522
I am at the lowest
point in my life.
1038
00:45:45,555 --> 00:45:47,524
First my music
career was sabotaged,
1039
00:45:47,557 --> 00:45:49,225
and then Chris
became unreasonable,
1040
00:45:49,259 --> 00:45:51,495
and I had to break off
our engagement.
1041
00:45:51,528 --> 00:45:53,897
Thank goodness I still
have you, Dear Diary,
1042
00:45:53,930 --> 00:45:56,500
a confidante to whom
I can bare my soul's
most secret yearnings
1043
00:45:56,533 --> 00:45:59,803
and vulnerable feelings.
1044
00:45:59,836 --> 00:46:01,538
Oh, well, I'm sure everything
1045
00:46:01,571 --> 00:46:03,306
will look better
in the morning.
1046
00:46:03,339 --> 00:46:04,575
Ohh...
1047
00:46:10,346 --> 00:46:11,682
[bottles rattle]
1048
00:46:13,316 --> 00:46:15,718
You're a stupid lettuce-head.
1049
00:46:15,752 --> 00:46:18,255
Oh, no!
1050
00:46:21,791 --> 00:46:23,594
[humming]
1051
00:46:28,831 --> 00:46:30,700
You're all wet, Pat.
1052
00:46:30,733 --> 00:46:33,170
Ohh!
1053
00:46:38,308 --> 00:46:39,510
Ohh...
1054
00:46:43,813 --> 00:46:45,749
I'm being haunted
by the specter
1055
00:46:45,782 --> 00:46:47,651
of my former lover.
1056
00:46:47,684 --> 00:46:51,321
I should record
that dream in my diary.
1057
00:46:54,457 --> 00:46:57,928
No! My laptop!
1058
00:46:57,961 --> 00:47:00,362
Ohh! Ohh!
1059
00:47:04,666 --> 00:47:07,269
My diary's been stolen!
1060
00:47:07,302 --> 00:47:09,637
Ohh! Help!
1061
00:47:09,671 --> 00:47:11,540
Oh, Kyle!
1062
00:47:11,573 --> 00:47:13,776
Kyle! Ohh!
1063
00:47:13,809 --> 00:47:15,277
Oh, madness!
1064
00:47:15,310 --> 00:47:17,947
Oh, my diary's been stolen!
1065
00:47:17,980 --> 00:47:19,682
My diary's been stolen!
1066
00:47:19,715 --> 00:47:20,950
Oh, no.
1067
00:47:20,983 --> 00:47:22,685
Kyle,
at this very moment,
1068
00:47:22,718 --> 00:47:24,887
some diabolical cat burglar
could be reading
1069
00:47:24,920 --> 00:47:27,755
the most intimate
details of my private life!
1070
00:47:27,789 --> 00:47:29,592
Kyle!
1071
00:47:29,625 --> 00:47:30,960
That's terrible, Pat.
1072
00:47:32,661 --> 00:47:34,697
Hey, I have frames
just like those.
1073
00:47:36,698 --> 00:47:38,367
Wait a minute, Pat.
1074
00:47:38,400 --> 00:47:39,668
Don't you need a password
1075
00:47:39,701 --> 00:47:42,371
to gain access
to the diary itself?
1076
00:47:42,404 --> 00:47:44,907
Yes. Yes, I do.
1077
00:47:44,940 --> 00:47:47,309
And what was
that password again?
1078
00:47:47,342 --> 00:47:49,345
I would never tell that
to anyone.
1079
00:47:49,378 --> 00:47:51,447
Not even a closest friend,
a nearby neighbor,
1080
00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:52,648
somebody that can--
1081
00:47:52,681 --> 00:47:53,849
Well,
I'll give you a hint.
1082
00:47:53,882 --> 00:47:55,550
It's in the dictionary.
1083
00:47:57,586 --> 00:47:59,555
Ohh, all right, Kyle.
1084
00:47:59,588 --> 00:48:01,790
I feel a little bit better.
1085
00:48:01,823 --> 00:48:03,259
Good.
1086
00:48:03,292 --> 00:48:04,827
Okay, I got to go.
1087
00:48:04,860 --> 00:48:06,462
Mm-hmm. Okay.
1088
00:48:14,002 --> 00:48:15,371
Hmm.
1089
00:48:19,474 --> 00:48:20,943
[buzzing]
1090
00:48:20,976 --> 00:48:22,544
[Pat's voice]
Access denied.
1091
00:48:22,577 --> 00:48:24,046
[chuckling]
1092
00:48:24,079 --> 00:48:25,715
It was worth a try anyway.
1093
00:48:38,393 --> 00:48:39,528
A.
1094
00:48:42,596 --> 00:48:43,732
[buzzing]
1095
00:48:48,002 --> 00:48:49,337
Dick.
1096
00:48:52,340 --> 00:48:53,708
[buzzing]
1097
00:48:56,444 --> 00:49:00,548
I will know your secrets,
my love.
1098
00:49:00,581 --> 00:49:05,386
I will possess you utterly.
1099
00:49:05,419 --> 00:49:07,055
Whoever had stolen my diary
1100
00:49:07,088 --> 00:49:09,023
had left few clues behind,
1101
00:49:09,056 --> 00:49:10,625
and I was soon on the trail,
1102
00:49:10,658 --> 00:49:12,527
sniffing out leads.
1103
00:49:12,560 --> 00:49:14,328
Hey, dudes.
1104
00:49:14,362 --> 00:49:16,898
Any of you guys
steal anything lately?
1105
00:49:16,931 --> 00:49:19,600
What are you talking about?
1106
00:49:19,633 --> 00:49:22,403
Like my laptop diary.
1107
00:49:22,436 --> 00:49:24,806
It's been stolen,
and I want it back.
1108
00:49:24,839 --> 00:49:27,408
What the hell
are you anyway?
1109
00:49:27,441 --> 00:49:29,544
Oh, I know
what you're thinking.
1110
00:49:29,577 --> 00:49:32,046
Am I a Crip
or am I a Blood?
1111
00:49:32,079 --> 00:49:34,816
No. What we want to know
1112
00:49:34,849 --> 00:49:37,485
is are you a brother
or a sister?
1113
00:49:37,518 --> 00:49:38,686
- Word.
- Yeah.
1114
00:49:38,719 --> 00:49:39,954
Well, I'm an only child.
1115
00:49:39,987 --> 00:49:43,124
There's a word
for what you are.
1116
00:49:43,157 --> 00:49:44,592
Charismatic?
1117
00:49:46,093 --> 00:49:49,897
Spike, what is the word
I'm looking for?
1118
00:49:51,399 --> 00:49:52,866
Androgynous.
1119
00:49:52,900 --> 00:49:54,369
- Yeah.
- That's it.
1120
00:49:54,402 --> 00:49:56,871
Oh, that's right.
Androgynous.
1121
00:49:56,904 --> 00:49:58,940
That's what everyone
says about me.
1122
00:49:58,973 --> 00:50:01,976
Good old androgynous Pat.
1123
00:50:02,009 --> 00:50:04,545
Pat's always cheerful
1124
00:50:04,578 --> 00:50:06,948
and androgynous
with everybody.
1125
00:50:06,981 --> 00:50:09,751
So what the hell are you?
1126
00:50:09,784 --> 00:50:13,855
A man or a woman?
1127
00:50:17,525 --> 00:50:18,960
Ohh...
1128
00:50:20,027 --> 00:50:22,597
Ohh! Ohh!
1129
00:50:22,630 --> 00:50:26,433
What the hell was that?
1130
00:50:47,086 --> 00:50:48,455
Hmm.
1131
00:50:54,794 --> 00:50:55,929
Ohh!
1132
00:51:10,109 --> 00:51:12,646
May I help you
with something?
1133
00:51:12,679 --> 00:51:14,614
I need a makeover, pronto!
1134
00:51:14,647 --> 00:51:15,916
Makeover.
1135
00:51:15,949 --> 00:51:18,050
Yes, I need to look more
like my own gender.
1136
00:51:18,084 --> 00:51:19,653
You know what I'm saying,
Gunther.
1137
00:51:19,686 --> 00:51:22,222
Oh...kay.
1138
00:51:22,255 --> 00:51:23,824
Let's go.
1139
00:51:29,662 --> 00:51:31,665
Fantastic.
1140
00:51:33,233 --> 00:51:34,968
I don't think so.
1141
00:51:37,070 --> 00:51:39,739
Oh, that's
quite flattering.
1142
00:51:39,772 --> 00:51:41,475
You've got to be kidding.
1143
00:51:42,942 --> 00:51:44,110
The minimalist.
1144
00:51:44,143 --> 00:51:46,079
[speeded-up chatter]
1145
00:51:47,981 --> 00:51:50,517
That's it! It's me!
1146
00:51:50,550 --> 00:51:52,586
Oh, I love my new look!
1147
00:51:52,619 --> 00:51:54,787
Oh, you're a genius,
Gunther.
1148
00:51:54,821 --> 00:51:57,024
All in a day's work
for Gunther.
1149
00:51:58,691 --> 00:52:00,827
I may have looked fabulous
on the outside,
1150
00:52:00,860 --> 00:52:03,095
but inside I was a mess.
1151
00:52:03,129 --> 00:52:05,832
At a time like this,
I needed a friend.
1152
00:52:05,865 --> 00:52:08,668
I needed my best friend.
1153
00:52:13,539 --> 00:52:16,509
Man on phone:
I mean, he was-- he was
looking at me funny,
1154
00:52:16,542 --> 00:52:18,643
and I had the gun
in my hand,
1155
00:52:18,677 --> 00:52:21,146
so-- so I-- I shot him.
1156
00:52:21,179 --> 00:52:23,215
Well, anger is nothing
more than hurt
1157
00:52:23,248 --> 00:52:24,950
that hasn't been dealt with.
1158
00:52:24,983 --> 00:52:26,986
You need to work on healing
your inner child, okay?
1159
00:52:27,019 --> 00:52:28,587
I want you to have
a 20-minute conversation
1160
00:52:28,620 --> 00:52:29,888
with your inner child
every day.
1161
00:52:29,922 --> 00:52:31,557
And remember, no fighting.
1162
00:52:31,590 --> 00:52:33,259
All right, so let me know
how things go.
1163
00:52:33,292 --> 00:52:34,860
Okay, great,
we're going to pause here
1164
00:52:34,893 --> 00:52:36,228
to pay some bills.
1165
00:52:36,261 --> 00:52:37,830
I'm Kathy Griffin
on "Love Chat."
1166
00:52:39,031 --> 00:52:40,199
Pat.
1167
00:52:40,232 --> 00:52:41,600
Hi, Kathy.
How you doing?
1168
00:52:41,633 --> 00:52:42,902
What are you doing?
1169
00:52:42,935 --> 00:52:44,203
I'm working, Pat.
1170
00:52:44,236 --> 00:52:46,939
Oh. Listen, I need a job.
Can you get me one?
1171
00:52:46,972 --> 00:52:49,108
Okay, well, why would I
get you a job?
1172
00:52:49,141 --> 00:52:51,176
Have you forgotten who set
the clock on your VCR?
1173
00:52:51,209 --> 00:52:53,212
That thing would be flashing
from here to Tuesday
1174
00:52:53,245 --> 00:52:54,680
if it weren't for me.
1175
00:52:54,713 --> 00:52:56,682
Oh, right. Look, Pat,
1176
00:52:56,715 --> 00:52:58,584
I'm trying to do
a little show here, okay?
1177
00:52:58,617 --> 00:52:59,985
Maybe we could talk
about this later.
1178
00:53:00,018 --> 00:53:01,987
Kathy, this isn't
about you right now.
1179
00:53:02,020 --> 00:53:03,822
This is about me.
1180
00:53:03,855 --> 00:53:05,958
What am I gonna do?
1181
00:53:07,726 --> 00:53:09,328
Security!
1182
00:53:09,361 --> 00:53:11,730
Oh, great!
1183
00:53:11,763 --> 00:53:13,933
Do I get to wear a uniform?
1184
00:53:13,966 --> 00:53:16,868
[phone rings]
1185
00:53:16,902 --> 00:53:18,203
[ring]
1186
00:53:18,236 --> 00:53:20,272
[ring]
1187
00:53:20,305 --> 00:53:22,707
[ring]
1188
00:53:22,741 --> 00:53:24,944
[ring]
1189
00:53:24,977 --> 00:53:26,812
Hello.
1190
00:53:26,845 --> 00:53:29,682
Woman: I'm having an affair
with my next door neighbor.
1191
00:53:29,715 --> 00:53:32,718
I feel terrible about it.
Who can I talk to?
1192
00:53:32,751 --> 00:53:34,687
Well, try your husband.
1193
00:53:37,689 --> 00:53:39,625
[ring]
1194
00:53:39,658 --> 00:53:41,293
Phone's ringing!
1195
00:53:41,326 --> 00:53:43,262
[ring]
1196
00:53:43,295 --> 00:53:45,631
[ring]
1197
00:53:45,664 --> 00:53:48,233
What do you want?
1198
00:53:48,266 --> 00:53:49,834
I would like this individual
1199
00:53:49,867 --> 00:53:51,235
escorted from the building,
please.
1200
00:53:51,268 --> 00:53:53,137
Uh, just a second.
I want to hear this.
1201
00:53:53,170 --> 00:53:54,872
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
1202
00:53:54,905 --> 00:53:56,341
Oh, my God.
1203
00:53:56,374 --> 00:53:58,743
Pat is taking calls
on the air?
1204
00:53:58,776 --> 00:54:00,044
I know.
1205
00:54:00,077 --> 00:54:01,613
Well, go to commercial.
Pull the plug.
1206
00:54:01,646 --> 00:54:03,914
No. This is great
talk radio.
1207
00:54:03,948 --> 00:54:07,285
That's the most repulsive
thing I've ever heard.
1208
00:54:07,318 --> 00:54:10,153
Look, Troy, that is
trivializing their pain.
1209
00:54:10,187 --> 00:54:11,889
Okay?
Pat isn't helping people.
1210
00:54:11,922 --> 00:54:14,158
At least Pat's not
putting people to sleep.
1211
00:54:14,191 --> 00:54:15,793
Oh. Oh. Okay.
1212
00:54:15,826 --> 00:54:17,161
That's a slur directed
against me, right?
1213
00:54:17,194 --> 00:54:19,631
Look at all the calls
coming in.
1214
00:54:19,664 --> 00:54:23,200
Oh, You are so disgusting.
1215
00:54:23,234 --> 00:54:24,769
Hello. Whoa. Um...
1216
00:54:24,802 --> 00:54:26,104
All right,
can I help you?
1217
00:54:26,137 --> 00:54:28,171
Man: Sometimes I have
suicidal thoughts.
1218
00:54:28,205 --> 00:54:30,241
I feel like I want
to jump off a building
1219
00:54:30,274 --> 00:54:33,344
or slit my wrists or put
a bullet in my head.
1220
00:54:33,377 --> 00:54:36,381
Well, have you
considered drowning?
1221
00:54:36,414 --> 00:54:39,784
I mean, they say it's like God
giving you a big wet hug...
1222
00:54:39,817 --> 00:54:41,152
forever.
1223
00:54:41,185 --> 00:54:43,221
Stop calling here.
1224
00:54:45,156 --> 00:54:47,825
Female chorus:
♪ Ooh, "Love Chair" ♪
1225
00:54:47,858 --> 00:54:50,795
Announcer:
Tune in same time
tomorrow for more...
1226
00:54:50,828 --> 00:54:53,031
Hey, you know when that
"On the air" sign is on,
1227
00:54:53,064 --> 00:54:54,365
that means
you're on the air.
1228
00:54:54,398 --> 00:54:55,934
Oh, heh heh. Oops.
1229
00:54:57,435 --> 00:54:59,103
You know,
you're a natural?
1230
00:54:59,136 --> 00:55:00,438
Well, your station's
listeners
1231
00:55:00,471 --> 00:55:01,839
really bummed me out.
1232
00:55:01,872 --> 00:55:03,274
They're
a bunch of crackpots.
1233
00:55:03,307 --> 00:55:05,109
Well, Pat, those are
exactly the kind of people
1234
00:55:05,142 --> 00:55:06,744
who call a radio talk show.
1235
00:55:06,777 --> 00:55:08,179
Well, they're
too freaky for me.
1236
00:55:08,212 --> 00:55:10,715
Why can't they just have
normal relationships?
1237
00:55:12,316 --> 00:55:16,087
Pat, why don't you be
the new host of "Love Chat"?
1238
00:55:16,120 --> 00:55:17,789
Great.
1239
00:55:17,822 --> 00:55:18,990
I'm hired!
1240
00:55:28,499 --> 00:55:31,333
Guess what, Kathy.
I got a job.
1241
00:55:31,367 --> 00:55:33,370
I have a radio show
called "Love Chat."
1242
00:55:33,403 --> 00:55:35,706
Yeah, I know, Pat.
That was my show.
1243
00:55:35,739 --> 00:55:36,907
Well, small world.
1244
00:55:36,940 --> 00:55:38,141
No, no. I got fired today.
1245
00:55:38,174 --> 00:55:41,712
Oh, Kathy,
that's terrible.
1246
00:55:41,745 --> 00:55:43,080
Why?
1247
00:55:43,113 --> 00:55:45,215
Because they gave you
my show.
1248
00:55:45,248 --> 00:55:48,318
Oh, that must be awful
for you, Kathy.
1249
00:55:48,351 --> 00:55:50,153
Is there anything
I can do?
1250
00:55:50,186 --> 00:55:52,089
Uh, yeah. Could you
give me my job back?
1251
00:55:52,122 --> 00:55:54,891
I don't think
they'd go for that
down at the station.
1252
00:55:54,924 --> 00:55:56,393
Plus, I wouldn't do it
1253
00:55:56,426 --> 00:55:58,395
because I really
need this job.
1254
00:55:58,428 --> 00:56:00,864
Well, then do me a favor
and get out of here!
1255
00:56:00,897 --> 00:56:02,966
- Okay?
- I'd better go.
1256
00:56:02,999 --> 00:56:05,368
Ramrod. Ramrod.
1257
00:56:05,401 --> 00:56:06,737
Come on, baby, be the one.
1258
00:56:06,770 --> 00:56:08,004
- [buzzing]
- Come to Papa.
1259
00:56:08,037 --> 00:56:10,307
Access denied.
[chuckling]
1260
00:56:10,340 --> 00:56:11,475
[muttering]
1261
00:56:12,542 --> 00:56:14,009
[laughing]
1262
00:56:14,043 --> 00:56:15,179
[buzzing]
1263
00:56:16,379 --> 00:56:18,147
Pig! I'm sorry.
1264
00:56:18,181 --> 00:56:19,949
Okay.
1265
00:56:19,983 --> 00:56:23,420
[female chorus scatting]
1266
00:56:23,453 --> 00:56:27,524
Announcer:
You're listening to KVIB FM.
1267
00:56:27,557 --> 00:56:29,893
And now for the southland's
hottest talk radio,
1268
00:56:29,926 --> 00:56:31,795
here's Pat.
1269
00:56:31,828 --> 00:56:34,765
Hi. This is "Pat Chat."
1270
00:56:34,798 --> 00:56:38,201
And I'm your host,
Pat Riley. [chuckling]
1271
00:56:38,234 --> 00:56:39,902
I'm ready to listen
1272
00:56:39,936 --> 00:56:42,973
to all of your most personal
and intimate problems
1273
00:56:43,006 --> 00:56:45,442
and then, uh,
solve them for you,
1274
00:56:45,475 --> 00:56:47,777
so, uh, let's take
our first call.
1275
00:56:50,013 --> 00:56:52,248
Woman: I've contracted
a horrible disease,
1276
00:56:52,282 --> 00:56:55,018
and I've been told I don't
have much time to live.
1277
00:56:55,051 --> 00:56:56,987
[sobbing]
What should I do?
1278
00:56:57,020 --> 00:56:58,855
[baby crying]
1279
00:56:58,888 --> 00:57:01,891
Why don't you go
1-800-Waah-waah-waah
1280
00:57:01,925 --> 00:57:04,561
waah-waah waah-waah?
[chuckling]
1281
00:57:04,594 --> 00:57:07,130
All right, next call.
1282
00:57:07,163 --> 00:57:10,132
Kyle: Pat, I-- I--
I like to dress up
1283
00:57:10,166 --> 00:57:12,169
like my sexually ambiguous
neighbor
1284
00:57:12,202 --> 00:57:13,869
[cuckoo cuckoo]
1285
00:57:12,202 --> 00:57:13,869
and prance around
the apartment all night.
1286
00:57:13,902 --> 00:57:15,504
Sure you do,
Mr. Looney Tunes.
1287
00:57:15,537 --> 00:57:16,906
Adios!
1288
00:57:16,939 --> 00:57:18,974
I'm tired of these cranks.
1289
00:57:19,007 --> 00:57:22,512
Let's screen these callers,
people.
1290
00:57:28,951 --> 00:57:30,453
[doorbell rings]
1291
00:57:35,123 --> 00:57:38,127
Hi. Blast from your past.
1292
00:57:38,160 --> 00:57:41,463
Hi. I'm a famous
radio personality now.
1293
00:57:41,496 --> 00:57:43,165
That's really-- That's great.
1294
00:57:43,198 --> 00:57:46,269
Uh, Pat, there's something
I have to tell you.
1295
00:57:48,537 --> 00:57:50,006
Can I come in?
1296
00:57:52,541 --> 00:57:56,278
Pat, you know, I never want
you and I to be enemies, okay?
1297
00:57:56,311 --> 00:57:59,347
But, uh, I have to go away
for a little while.
1298
00:58:00,449 --> 00:58:01,917
Where?
1299
00:58:01,950 --> 00:58:04,220
I'm leaving on Sunday
at 5:30 for Tibet,
1300
00:58:04,253 --> 00:58:06,388
on a spiritual quest.
1301
00:58:06,421 --> 00:58:08,390
A quest?
1302
00:58:08,423 --> 00:58:12,261
Yeah. Um, I'm gonna be gone
for at least a year, Pat.
1303
00:58:12,294 --> 00:58:13,963
What?
1304
00:58:13,996 --> 00:58:15,364
So I really thought
it was important
1305
00:58:15,397 --> 00:58:17,066
that I come by and tell you
1306
00:58:17,099 --> 00:58:19,033
that I think I'm probably
always gonna love you, Pat.
1307
00:58:19,067 --> 00:58:22,338
Well, then great! Then we
have no problems, then.
1308
00:58:22,371 --> 00:58:24,473
No, Pat.
What I'm trying to say
1309
00:58:24,506 --> 00:58:27,109
that I'm really sorry
it didn't work out between us.
1310
00:58:27,142 --> 00:58:28,277
Well--
1311
00:58:29,611 --> 00:58:31,280
Well, I'm also sorry
1312
00:58:31,313 --> 00:58:34,350
that you couldn't have
been more sensible.
1313
00:58:37,286 --> 00:58:38,554
Goodbye, Pat.
1314
00:58:48,430 --> 00:58:51,033
People. Can't live with them,
1315
00:58:51,066 --> 00:58:52,600
and you can't live
without them.
1316
00:58:52,634 --> 00:58:54,370
Ohh...
1317
00:58:58,272 --> 00:59:00,275
Damn, I must have missed it.
1318
00:59:00,308 --> 00:59:03,043
[Kyle imitating Pat's voice]
There's only three left.
1319
00:59:03,077 --> 00:59:05,246
I know that. Thank you.
1320
00:59:05,279 --> 00:59:07,047
[chuckling]
1321
00:59:07,081 --> 00:59:08,516
Zymase.
1322
00:59:13,354 --> 00:59:16,457
Access denied. [chuckling]
1323
00:59:16,490 --> 00:59:18,159
Zymotic?
1324
00:59:25,299 --> 00:59:26,534
Ohh...
1325
00:59:30,004 --> 00:59:31,139
Zythum.
1326
00:59:32,206 --> 00:59:33,909
Please work.
1327
00:59:38,079 --> 00:59:40,581
We're in. We're in!
1328
00:59:40,614 --> 00:59:41,983
We're in, we're in.
1329
00:59:42,016 --> 00:59:43,418
We're in, we're in.
1330
00:59:43,451 --> 00:59:44,586
We're in.
1331
00:59:45,686 --> 00:59:47,121
We're in.
1332
00:59:47,154 --> 00:59:48,589
Ohh...
1333
00:59:48,622 --> 00:59:50,959
We're in, we're in, we're in,
1334
00:59:50,992 --> 00:59:52,660
we're in, we're in, we're in.
1335
00:59:52,693 --> 00:59:54,696
We're in, we're in.
1336
00:59:54,729 --> 00:59:56,131
The diary.
1337
01:00:03,004 --> 01:00:05,573
"Once I got it home,
I realized I didn't like it.
1338
01:00:05,606 --> 01:00:07,675
"I mean, who wants
a plaid bath mat anyway?
1339
01:00:07,708 --> 01:00:09,476
"So I took it back
and exchanged it
1340
01:00:09,510 --> 01:00:10,678
"for a delicious tan one.
1341
01:00:10,711 --> 01:00:15,183
Well, more brown, really."
1342
01:00:15,216 --> 01:00:17,385
Pat on radio: ...be all tender
and sumptuous enough
1343
01:00:17,418 --> 01:00:19,120
to bring tears to your eyes.
1344
01:00:19,153 --> 01:00:21,289
And people everywhere
are making Tom Chuck's
1345
01:00:21,322 --> 01:00:23,358
their dinnertime destination.
1346
01:00:23,391 --> 01:00:26,327
Come and enjoy!
1347
01:00:26,360 --> 01:00:28,396
All right, sounds good.
1348
01:00:29,730 --> 01:00:31,599
Okay, I'll remind you
1349
01:00:31,632 --> 01:00:34,569
this is KVIB. I'm Pat.
1350
01:00:34,602 --> 01:00:36,137
You know what I
always say:
1351
01:00:36,170 --> 01:00:37,572
we're made for each other.
[sputter]
1352
01:00:39,072 --> 01:00:40,474
Oh, Pat.
1353
01:00:40,507 --> 01:00:42,443
[chuckling]
1354
01:00:40,507 --> 01:00:42,443
Pat.
1355
01:00:50,717 --> 01:00:54,654
Always try to be equal
partners in a relationship.
1356
01:00:54,687 --> 01:00:56,189
Thank you very much.
1357
01:00:56,222 --> 01:00:58,191
I'm Pat,
and I'm here all night,
1358
01:00:58,224 --> 01:01:01,061
ready to lend
a sympathetic ear.
1359
01:01:01,094 --> 01:01:03,096
Let's take our next call.
1360
01:01:03,129 --> 01:01:04,397
Hello.
1361
01:01:04,431 --> 01:01:05,665
Chris: Hi, Pat.
1362
01:01:05,698 --> 01:01:08,068
Hello.
Don't waste my time.
1363
01:01:08,101 --> 01:01:09,503
What's your name,
caller?
1364
01:01:09,536 --> 01:01:11,038
Well, it's--
1365
01:01:11,071 --> 01:01:13,707
You can call me
Chris, Pat.
1366
01:01:13,740 --> 01:01:16,410
All right, Chris,
what's your problem?
1367
01:01:16,443 --> 01:01:18,778
Well, I had this special
someone in my life--
1368
01:01:18,812 --> 01:01:21,615
we'll call this person Pat--
1369
01:01:21,648 --> 01:01:24,117
and, well,
we were engaged, yeah,
1370
01:01:24,150 --> 01:01:26,119
and, uh, well,
I just didn't feel
1371
01:01:26,152 --> 01:01:27,621
that Pat was ready
to make a commitment,
1372
01:01:27,654 --> 01:01:30,190
not to-- not to a job
or to me.
1373
01:01:30,223 --> 01:01:33,460
But now for the first time
Pat has some job stability,
1374
01:01:33,493 --> 01:01:34,761
- and--
- Uhh?
1375
01:01:34,794 --> 01:01:36,163
I just want to tell Pat
1376
01:01:36,196 --> 01:01:39,199
that I-- I love Pat
for who Pat is
1377
01:01:39,232 --> 01:01:41,134
and not for what Pat does.
1378
01:01:41,167 --> 01:01:45,105
And I really wish we could
get back together again, Pat.
1379
01:01:45,138 --> 01:01:46,640
Well...
1380
01:01:46,673 --> 01:01:50,276
you're not giving me much
to go on here, Chris.
1381
01:01:50,310 --> 01:01:52,546
Can you be more specific?
1382
01:01:52,579 --> 01:01:55,548
Well, I guess what I'm
trying to get at, Pat,
1383
01:01:55,582 --> 01:01:58,385
is that, well, I'm leaving
for Tibet tomorrow,
1384
01:01:58,418 --> 01:02:00,287
you know, to get over Pat,
1385
01:02:00,320 --> 01:02:03,323
and I'm not so sure that's
the right thing to do now,
Pat.
1386
01:02:03,356 --> 01:02:06,459
Well, if you're asking
for my advice,
1387
01:02:06,493 --> 01:02:07,861
and I guess you are,
1388
01:02:07,894 --> 01:02:09,863
I would say
that this Path person
1389
01:02:09,896 --> 01:02:12,131
just sounds like a real
nightmare.
1390
01:02:12,165 --> 01:02:15,435
I say hit the road
and don't look back.
1391
01:02:15,468 --> 01:02:17,270
[chuckling]
Next call.
1392
01:02:17,303 --> 01:02:18,538
But--
1393
01:02:18,571 --> 01:02:19,739
Some people, I don't know
1394
01:02:19,772 --> 01:02:21,474
why they get hooked up
with these losers
1395
01:02:21,507 --> 01:02:23,275
in the first place.
1396
01:02:23,308 --> 01:02:26,277
Listen, what I have to give
you people is tough love.
1397
01:02:26,311 --> 01:02:28,347
It may not sound pretty,
but I can help you.
1398
01:02:28,380 --> 01:02:30,282
That's right, I'm Pat.
1399
01:02:30,315 --> 01:02:32,284
I'm here to help you
all night long.
1400
01:02:32,317 --> 01:02:34,619
"Chris
can be so frustrating.
1401
01:02:34,653 --> 01:02:36,455
"I mean, who is wearing
the pants
1402
01:02:36,488 --> 01:02:38,357
in our relationship
anyway?"
1403
01:02:38,390 --> 01:02:40,226
Exactly what I want to know!
1404
01:02:41,360 --> 01:02:43,128
"I have a confession to make.
1405
01:02:43,162 --> 01:02:44,730
"Dear Diary:
1406
01:02:44,763 --> 01:02:47,533
Something not even my closest
friends know about me."
1407
01:02:51,703 --> 01:02:53,605
"I haven't vacuumed
under my couch
1408
01:02:53,639 --> 01:02:55,141
"since I moved
into my apartment.
1409
01:02:55,174 --> 01:02:57,610
There, I said it I feel
so much better already."
1410
01:03:02,714 --> 01:03:04,150
That's it?
1411
01:03:05,584 --> 01:03:07,553
Th-Th-Th-That's all?
1412
01:03:07,586 --> 01:03:10,389
The most intimate record
1413
01:03:10,422 --> 01:03:13,391
of every detail of Pat's life,
1414
01:03:13,425 --> 01:03:17,897
and not a single clue
about Pat's sex?
1415
01:03:17,930 --> 01:03:20,399
Why?
1416
01:03:20,432 --> 01:03:25,304
Why? That's so unfair!
1417
01:03:25,337 --> 01:03:30,175
I'm sleepy, and you people
are boring me.
1418
01:03:30,209 --> 01:03:34,480
This is KVIB FM.
I'm your host Pat.
1419
01:03:34,513 --> 01:03:36,315
Now let's take our next call,
1420
01:03:36,348 --> 01:03:38,518
and make it something lively!
1421
01:03:40,686 --> 01:03:42,855
[Eastern European accent]
I'm wanting to be telling you
1422
01:03:42,888 --> 01:03:44,456
that I'm having something
1423
01:03:44,489 --> 01:03:46,458
that none of your other
callers have.
1424
01:03:46,491 --> 01:03:49,295
What's that, your sanity?
1425
01:03:49,328 --> 01:03:51,563
No. Your diary.
1426
01:03:51,597 --> 01:03:54,200
What? Who is this?
1427
01:03:54,233 --> 01:03:57,903
All in good time,
my little elusive friend.
1428
01:03:57,936 --> 01:04:01,674
And if you're ever wanting
to see your diary again,
1429
01:04:01,707 --> 01:04:05,276
you'll be meeting me
at Ripley's Odditorium
1430
01:04:05,309 --> 01:04:06,611
at high noon.
1431
01:04:06,644 --> 01:04:09,446
How do I know this isn't
a crank call?
1432
01:04:09,480 --> 01:04:14,752
Have you been vacuuming
under your couch lately?
1433
01:04:14,785 --> 01:04:16,488
[shuddering]
1434
01:04:27,732 --> 01:04:28,900
Excuse me.
1435
01:04:36,841 --> 01:04:38,243
[nervous chuckle]
1436
01:04:51,455 --> 01:04:53,625
Kyle:
Psst. Hey. In here,
1437
01:04:53,658 --> 01:04:56,261
where we're less likely
to be heard.
1438
01:04:57,361 --> 01:04:58,496
Oh.
1439
01:05:12,743 --> 01:05:16,581
Are you the lunatic
who stole my diary?
1440
01:05:16,614 --> 01:05:19,985
You mean...this?
1441
01:05:21,519 --> 01:05:23,287
Yes.
1442
01:05:23,321 --> 01:05:27,357
Hey, you look kinda familiar.
Do I know you?
1443
01:05:27,391 --> 01:05:28,660
No.
1444
01:05:29,994 --> 01:05:32,897
You didn't read the diary,
did you?
1445
01:05:32,930 --> 01:05:36,366
Yes. I decoded it,
1446
01:05:36,400 --> 01:05:39,404
and I read every word.
1447
01:05:39,437 --> 01:05:41,839
Oh, I feel so naked.
1448
01:05:41,872 --> 01:05:45,008
And you know what?
It didn't tell me diddly.
1449
01:05:45,041 --> 01:05:47,443
I know all about
your happy childhood,
1450
01:05:47,477 --> 01:05:50,480
your countless jobs,
your idiotic fantasies,
1451
01:05:50,513 --> 01:05:51,782
your stupid bath mat.
1452
01:05:51,815 --> 01:05:55,385
Stop! Stop!
I can't hear anymore!
1453
01:05:55,418 --> 01:05:56,787
I know everything
about you, Pat,
1454
01:05:56,820 --> 01:05:59,588
everything except
the one thing I must know.
1455
01:05:59,622 --> 01:06:02,592
What else is there to know?
1456
01:06:02,625 --> 01:06:04,461
Take off your clothes.
1457
01:06:04,494 --> 01:06:07,764
What? You're nothing
but a pervert.
1458
01:06:07,797 --> 01:06:09,565
Don't you see?
1459
01:06:09,599 --> 01:06:10,901
We were meant for each other.
1460
01:06:10,934 --> 01:06:12,369
We're like two
complementary pieces
1461
01:06:12,402 --> 01:06:13,769
in the crazy jigsaw
puzzle of love.
1462
01:06:13,803 --> 01:06:15,672
I just need to know
how we fit together.
1463
01:06:15,705 --> 01:06:17,374
Ohh...
1464
01:06:17,407 --> 01:06:18,608
By uncovering
the secret of you,
1465
01:06:18,641 --> 01:06:21,512
I uncover the secret
of myself.
1466
01:06:23,613 --> 01:06:25,048
Kyle!
1467
01:06:25,081 --> 01:06:27,983
Now take off your clothes
1468
01:06:28,017 --> 01:06:32,022
if you ever want to see
your diary alive again.
1469
01:06:32,055 --> 01:06:33,590
Ouggh.
1470
01:06:35,892 --> 01:06:37,895
No!
1471
01:06:48,505 --> 01:06:50,507
Where are you?
1472
01:06:50,540 --> 01:06:52,542
Pat!
1473
01:06:52,575 --> 01:06:55,879
Oh, Pat! Uh-oh!
I see you.
1474
01:06:55,912 --> 01:06:58,582
Help! I'm being chased
by a crazed doppelganger
1475
01:06:58,615 --> 01:07:00,484
who's reading my diary!
1476
01:07:00,517 --> 01:07:01,685
[laughing]
1477
01:07:01,718 --> 01:07:03,387
Ohh!
1478
01:07:07,624 --> 01:07:09,926
♪ ...of your creator ♪
1479
01:07:09,959 --> 01:07:12,896
♪ Stare into the lion's eyes ♪
1480
01:07:12,929 --> 01:07:15,565
♪ And if you
taste the candy ♪
1481
01:07:15,598 --> 01:07:17,067
♪ You'll get to the surprise ♪
1482
01:07:17,100 --> 01:07:18,836
Kyle: Pat!
1483
01:07:22,505 --> 01:07:24,039
Hi.
1484
01:07:24,073 --> 01:07:25,509
Pat.
1485
01:07:26,910 --> 01:07:29,845
Don't run.
You know you want me.
1486
01:07:29,878 --> 01:07:32,081
Surrender, my sweet.
1487
01:07:32,114 --> 01:07:33,583
[giggling]
1488
01:07:37,653 --> 01:07:41,090
Kyle, you just don't
take a hint, do you?
1489
01:07:41,123 --> 01:07:43,826
Come to Papa,
my little love dumpling.
1490
01:07:43,859 --> 01:07:46,594
Kyle, for the last time,
you're not my type.
1491
01:07:46,628 --> 01:07:48,798
Don't-- Don't--
Don't say that, Pat.
1492
01:07:48,831 --> 01:07:50,866
Don't say that.
1493
01:07:50,899 --> 01:07:53,669
- We should be as one.
- Ohh...
1494
01:07:53,702 --> 01:07:56,071
You and I. Huh?
1495
01:07:56,104 --> 01:07:58,006
- Kyle.
- Pat.
1496
01:07:58,040 --> 01:07:59,875
Oh! Oh! Oh!
1497
01:07:59,908 --> 01:08:02,178
Oh, no!
1498
01:08:02,211 --> 01:08:04,480
- Pat!
- Aah!
1499
01:08:04,513 --> 01:08:05,781
Help!
1500
01:08:07,683 --> 01:08:11,754
♪ Don't get too close
to my fantasy ♪
1501
01:08:13,188 --> 01:08:15,124
♪ Don't be afraid ♪
1502
01:08:15,157 --> 01:08:18,461
♪ To touch the hand
of your creator ♪
1503
01:08:18,493 --> 01:08:20,228
♪ Stare into the lion's eyes ♪
1504
01:08:20,261 --> 01:08:21,764
Hold on.
1505
01:08:21,797 --> 01:08:23,833
♪ And if you
taste the candy ♪
1506
01:08:23,866 --> 01:08:26,903
♪ You'll get to the surprise ♪
1507
01:08:28,737 --> 01:08:33,843
♪ Oh, don't get too close
to my fantasy ♪
1508
01:08:36,245 --> 01:08:37,747
[silence]
1509
01:08:42,017 --> 01:08:44,187
[chuckling]
1510
01:08:51,158 --> 01:08:52,795
[cheering]
1511
01:08:56,864 --> 01:08:58,800
Hey, buddy, what do you
think you're doing out here?
1512
01:08:58,834 --> 01:09:01,737
No, no. Okay, I give up.
Uncle, uncle, uncle.
1513
01:09:01,770 --> 01:09:04,173
Ahem. Then perhaps
you could just tell me,
1514
01:09:04,206 --> 01:09:06,242
if that naked person
is a man or a woman.
1515
01:09:06,274 --> 01:09:07,910
Show's over, weirdo.
Come on.
1516
01:09:07,943 --> 01:09:09,111
No!
1517
01:09:13,046 --> 01:09:14,849
Pat!
1518
01:09:16,617 --> 01:09:17,786
Ohh...
1519
01:09:19,854 --> 01:09:22,724
Just one minute, Pat. We'll
have this all stitched up.
1520
01:09:22,757 --> 01:09:24,625
Thank you.
1521
01:09:24,659 --> 01:09:27,128
Pat, can I tell you
something?
1522
01:09:27,161 --> 01:09:30,665
We admire your persistence
and your creativity,
1523
01:09:30,697 --> 01:09:32,032
but we meant it when we said
1524
01:09:32,066 --> 01:09:33,635
we only needed you
for one show.
1525
01:09:33,668 --> 01:09:35,236
That's all right.
1526
01:09:35,269 --> 01:09:38,172
I'm tired of people
looking at me.
1527
01:09:38,205 --> 01:09:40,608
I learned something
about myself
1528
01:09:40,641 --> 01:09:42,242
when I was out there naked:
1529
01:09:42,276 --> 01:09:44,946
what it feels like
to be naked
1530
01:09:44,979 --> 01:09:46,748
in front of lots of people.
1531
01:09:48,182 --> 01:09:50,151
I've had enough adulation.
1532
01:09:50,184 --> 01:09:52,654
I was happier when there
was only one person
1533
01:09:52,687 --> 01:09:54,555
who stared at me
when I was naked.
1534
01:09:56,958 --> 01:09:58,326
Oh, my God.
1535
01:09:58,359 --> 01:10:00,727
Chris.
1536
01:10:00,761 --> 01:10:02,097
Ohh!
1537
01:10:03,998 --> 01:10:07,201
Gladys Knight:
♪ I've had my share ♪
1538
01:10:09,971 --> 01:10:12,941
♪ Of life's ups and downs ♪
1539
01:10:15,276 --> 01:10:17,846
♪ But fate's been kind ♪
1540
01:10:20,381 --> 01:10:26,954
♪ The downs have been few ♪
1541
01:10:26,988 --> 01:10:28,890
♪ I guess you could say ♪
1542
01:10:30,625 --> 01:10:34,162
♪ That I've been lucky ♪
1543
01:10:36,764 --> 01:10:39,334
♪ Oh, I guess you could say ♪
1544
01:10:41,268 --> 01:10:45,307
♪ That it's all
because of you ♪
1545
01:10:47,341 --> 01:10:49,910
♪ If anyone ♪
1546
01:10:49,944 --> 01:10:52,145
♪ Should ever write ♪
1547
01:10:52,178 --> 01:10:54,982
♪ My life story ♪
1548
01:10:58,284 --> 01:10:59,987
Pips:
♪ For whatever ♪
1549
01:11:00,020 --> 01:11:04,792
♪ For whatever reason
there might be ♪
1550
01:11:07,127 --> 01:11:09,697
♪ Ooh, you'd be there ♪
1551
01:11:12,198 --> 01:11:16,604
♪ Between each line
of pain and glory ♪
1552
01:11:18,705 --> 01:11:20,774
♪ 'Cause you're
the best thing ♪
1553
01:11:20,807 --> 01:11:22,309
♪ The best thing
that ever happened ♪
1554
01:11:22,342 --> 01:11:24,945
♪ That ever happened to me ♪
1555
01:11:24,978 --> 01:11:26,279
Chris!
1556
01:11:26,312 --> 01:11:27,981
♪ ...that ever
happened to me ♪
1557
01:11:28,014 --> 01:11:29,783
Chris!
1558
01:11:29,816 --> 01:11:31,752
♪ You're the best thing ♪
1559
01:11:31,785 --> 01:11:33,120
Chris!
1560
01:11:33,153 --> 01:11:35,823
♪ That ever happened to me ♪
1561
01:11:39,359 --> 01:11:43,230
♪ You're the best thing
that ever happened to me ♪
1562
01:11:43,263 --> 01:11:45,399
♪ I know,
you're the best... ♪
1563
01:11:45,432 --> 01:11:46,900
Excuse me.
Someone named Chris.
1564
01:11:46,933 --> 01:11:48,335
Chris! Chris!
1565
01:11:48,368 --> 01:11:50,037
To Paris?
All right.
1566
01:11:50,070 --> 01:11:51,271
Excuse me?
Have you seen Chris?
1567
01:11:51,304 --> 01:11:53,673
Have you seen Chris?
Chris!
1568
01:11:54,941 --> 01:11:56,343
Pat. I--
1569
01:11:56,376 --> 01:11:57,977
Hi.
1570
01:11:58,011 --> 01:11:59,846
Listen, I've been thinking
about our relationship,
1571
01:11:59,879 --> 01:12:02,015
about everything
we've gone through
1572
01:12:02,048 --> 01:12:04,384
and everything I said
and how I behaved,
1573
01:12:04,417 --> 01:12:06,953
and I realized that
1574
01:12:06,986 --> 01:12:08,822
you need me!
1575
01:12:08,855 --> 01:12:11,391
I'm sorry, Pat.
I have to go now.
1576
01:12:11,424 --> 01:12:12,993
But, Chris,
I've had an epiphany
1577
01:12:13,026 --> 01:12:14,728
in front of thousands
of people...
1578
01:12:14,761 --> 01:12:15,962
naked.
1579
01:12:15,995 --> 01:12:17,831
What?
1580
01:12:17,864 --> 01:12:21,234
I don't want fame and fortune.
I want you.
1581
01:12:21,267 --> 01:12:23,037
You do, huh?
1582
01:12:24,237 --> 01:12:26,139
It's lonely at the top.
1583
01:12:26,172 --> 01:12:28,308
I miss having someone around
1584
01:12:28,341 --> 01:12:30,711
who loves dinner
as much as I do.
1585
01:12:31,811 --> 01:12:33,013
And sunny days?
1586
01:12:33,046 --> 01:12:37,082
Chris, I'm really sorry.
1587
01:12:38,217 --> 01:12:40,119
Pat.
1588
01:12:40,152 --> 01:12:41,886
You've never
said that before.
1589
01:12:41,920 --> 01:12:44,223
I just want to be
your spouse.
1590
01:12:44,256 --> 01:12:46,892
I just want to be
like a typical American.
1591
01:12:46,925 --> 01:12:49,095
I want to settle down
and have a house
1592
01:12:49,128 --> 01:12:54,066
and 1.8 kids and lead a life
of quiet desperation,
1593
01:12:54,099 --> 01:12:57,303
like these people here.
1594
01:12:57,336 --> 01:12:59,939
Come on, Chris,
let's do it.
1595
01:12:59,972 --> 01:13:02,341
Oh, Pat.
1596
01:13:02,374 --> 01:13:03,776
Chris.
1597
01:13:13,385 --> 01:13:17,757
I guess my life is just
one big romantic cliché:
1598
01:13:17,790 --> 01:13:19,891
boy meets girl,
girl loses boy,
1599
01:13:19,925 --> 01:13:22,795
boy annoys girl,
girl wants boy
to act differently,
1600
01:13:22,828 --> 01:13:25,865
girl-- Well, you know,
the same old story.
1601
01:13:25,898 --> 01:13:27,533
For richer or poorer.
1602
01:13:27,566 --> 01:13:29,468
For richer or poorer.
1603
01:13:29,501 --> 01:13:32,238
For as long as you both
shall live.
1604
01:13:32,271 --> 01:13:34,507
You may kiss each other.
1605
01:13:37,843 --> 01:13:40,246
[cheering, applause]
1606
01:13:46,351 --> 01:13:49,054
Plato once said
that the unexamined life
1607
01:13:49,087 --> 01:13:51,891
is not worth living.
Well, I agree.
1608
01:13:51,924 --> 01:13:55,127
It wasn't until I took a long,
hard look at my own life
1609
01:13:55,160 --> 01:13:57,329
that I realized
what I really am:
1610
01:13:57,362 --> 01:13:58,998
I'm me!
1611
01:13:59,031 --> 01:14:00,832
It's not what you do
that matters.
1612
01:14:00,866 --> 01:14:02,368
It's who you are.
1613
01:14:02,401 --> 01:14:05,137
And only then did I
discover the truth.
1614
01:14:05,170 --> 01:14:06,505
Chris is my other half,
1615
01:14:06,538 --> 01:14:08,507
and together we make a whole.
1616
01:14:08,540 --> 01:14:11,409
I finally found a yin
to go with my yang.
1617
01:14:11,443 --> 01:14:14,246
Or is that yang
to go with my yin?
1618
01:14:14,279 --> 01:14:17,549
Well, in any case,
I'm so lucky to be me.
1619
01:14:17,582 --> 01:14:18,917
[chuckling]
1620
01:14:23,888 --> 01:14:25,390
Hi, this is Kathy Griffin,
1621
01:14:25,423 --> 01:14:27,457
and yes,
I'm back on "Love Chat."
1622
01:14:27,491 --> 01:14:29,027
my guest today is Kyle,
1623
01:14:29,060 --> 01:14:31,396
who's gone through some
love changes recently.
1624
01:14:31,429 --> 01:14:34,432
Now, Kyle, you are
a transvestite,
is that correct?
1625
01:14:34,465 --> 01:14:38,069
Well, um, Kathy,
I'm dressed as a woman
at the moment,
1626
01:14:38,102 --> 01:14:40,537
but I also like
to dress like a man
1627
01:14:40,571 --> 01:14:42,173
sometimes.
1628
01:14:42,206 --> 01:14:45,009
Okay, well, do your
sexual fantasies change,
1629
01:14:45,042 --> 01:14:46,911
depending on
how you're dressed?
1630
01:14:46,944 --> 01:14:50,982
No. No, no, I always
fantasize about the same...
1631
01:14:51,015 --> 01:14:53,017
person.
1632
01:14:53,050 --> 01:14:54,519
♪ [piano]
1633
01:14:54,552 --> 01:14:57,088
♪ A lot of people
say "What's that?"
1634
01:14:57,121 --> 01:14:58,523
♪ It's Pat ♪
1635
01:14:58,556 --> 01:15:00,358
♪ Ma'am or a sir ♪
1636
01:15:00,391 --> 01:15:02,026
♪ Accept him or her ♪
1637
01:15:02,059 --> 01:15:04,896
♪ For whatever it might be ♪
1638
01:15:04,929 --> 01:15:07,332
♪ It's time for androgyny ♪
1639
01:15:07,365 --> 01:15:09,201
♪ Here comes Pat ♪
111845
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