All language subtitles for Inside Amy Schumer s05e02.eng

- * MTV *

- Don't you enjoy
how confident your SPANX

make you feel in the office?

Aren't they the best?

- [sighs]
Yes.

- Giving you a hug
under your clothes

that would be too tight
if they weren't holding

all your mistakes
and poor choices together?

- Sure do.

- But what about
when you get home?

- Oh, well,
that's the best part.

[sighs]
[chuckles]

I can finally breathe.
[chuckles]

- Sure, you can!

Your tubby torso
is free at last,

thank God Almighty.

Like this, right?

[pops]
- Oh.

- Gross! Is that what you think
your man wants to see?

Just because you're home,
doesn't mean it's okay for you

to be a fat fatty.

But don't make plans
to die alone just yet.

I'm here to save
your lard ass yet again

with Home SPANX,
the SPANX you wear at home!

Just because you're in
the comfort of your own home,

doesn't mean you should
stop hating yourself.

Home SPANX, SPANX for home.

- They just look like SPANX
but with a picture--

- With a picture
of a home on 'em.

That's right, Einstein--
so you know to wear them

in the safety
of your own fat home.

[jolly music]

- Wow, so skinny. God.

Yeah, now you look
only 20 pounds overweight.

I'm hard as a rock.

Thanks a lot, Home SPANX.

- You're welcome,
under-five boyfriend.

- Me?
- Shh.

[eerie hip-hop beat]

* *

- I hear you.
I just didn't think

it was a good movie.
Like, I thought the acting

was terrible,
and it just wasn't very funny,

you know.

[jazz music]

- [farts]
- Yeah, I don't know.

Wait, hold on.
Can I call you back?

* *

What?

Excuse me.

- Yep?
- Hi, um, what is this?

- What's what?

- It says "Fart Park."

- Oh, yeah. It's part of this
city-wide initiative.

You know,
judgment-free zones

where people can go fart.

It's outside, COVID-friendly.
It's pretty great.

- [farts]
- So that's what's going on

in there,
everybody's just farting?

- I mean, hopefully.
But,

we've seen some accidents.
- [farts]

- Huh.

[all farting]

* *

- 'Scuse me!
- Sorry.

* *

- Close the gate, please!

- First time at Fart Park?
- [chuckles] Yeah,

is it that obvious?

- That's just Harry,
one of our regulars.

He's annoying,
but he's harmless.

- [farts]
- All fart and no bite

as we like to say around here.

[both laugh]

I'm Josh, by the way.

- Amy.

Hi.
- Hi.

[farts] Oh.
- Uh--

- Sorry.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, well,
I'll leave you to it.

- Okay.
[chuckles]

[romantic music]

- Farting is such sweet sorrow.

- [laughs]

* *

[farts]

[jazz music]

- Yeah,
I just felt this connection

you wouldn't believe,
just as soon as we shook hands.

Josh.

Yeah, he just seemed so sweet.

I'll let you know
if I see him again today.

Can I call you back?

Oh, my God. What happened?

- There was a murder
at Fart Park.

[suspenseful jazz music]

* *

- [farts]

- Josh...

Oh...

[crying] I would know
that fart anywhere.

- He was such a kind man.

- That's the guy!
- This dude?

- No.
No, no, no!

He should've closed the gate!

How many times could I ask?

He should've closed the gate!
He should've closed the gate!

- Josh!

[somber jazz music]

But as I watched the now
lifeless body being loaded

into the back of that cold,
soulless coroner's van,

I knew that Josh
would have become my husband.

I just knew.
I could feel it in my bones.

And though the thought of
living the rest of my life

without Josh
completely broke my heart.

I knew he would forever
hold a place in the depths

of my fart.

[applause]

* *

The two words "fart park"
occurred to me.

Like, I don't know
what this idea is,

but I knew that the name
was gonna be Fart Park.

- Right away,
I remember thinking like,

"There should be a murder
at Fart Park,"

just super-dramatic.

Thought that would be funny.

- And then I had a moment
where I was like,

"I don't know
if it should be a murder."

Like, I don't think
we need a murder at Fart Park,

and everybody was like,
"You're an idiot, Amy.

There has to be a murder
at Fart Park."

- We've got
really good actors--

people that, you know,

went to Yale
and studied very hard,

and then they're gonna
have on their résumé--

"Fart Park."

[eerie hip-hop beat]

- Now that he's gotten
used to seeing you

in Home SPANX all the time,

are you tired of your
boyfriend being disappointed

by your blubberous,
naked body during sex?

Well, be tired no more,
and free his willy!

Here comes Sex SPANX!

- Are these affiliated
with SPANX?

- No, don't touch me, pig.

[romantic music]

* *

- Oh, yeah,
you look acceptable.

- [laughs]
- You mind if I still turn down

the lights
so it's basically fully dark?

- Always.
- Mm.

- And we didn't stop there.
There's actually no occasion

when anybody should
have to experience your real,

vile tank of a body.

That's why we've also made...

Shower SPANX!
- [screams]

- Put these on!

[upbeat music]

* *

[hip-hop beat]

- Oh, hi.

[chuckles]
I'm Amy.

[muffled] You need to
put on the headphones--

[clearly] so you can hear
what I'm saying.

- Headphones?
- Yeah, but can you hear me?

- Yeah, do I sit here?
- Yeah, take a seat there.

- Oh, my gosh.
Is this a studi--

this is a studio.
- It sure is, Amy S.

I'm a little starstruck,
off the record.

You're my favorite.
I thought you should've won.

- Oh, that's so nice.

No, but I'm--you know,
there's only one rose.

I'm glad things went
the way they were supposed to,

you know?
I feel like I was myself

the whole time.

- Totally. Yeah.
- You know?

And so I'm really proud
of how it went.

But--and I'm so happy
for Colby.

- Yeah, totally.
So today, pretty easy really.

Not too hard,
what we have to do today.

We just have to rerecord some
of the things you said

on the show.

Sometimes the mics don't pick
things up great,

and we just have to get
'em again.

Yeah,
it shouldn't be too hard.

The lines are right there.

- These are my lines here?
- Yeah, that's right.

- Okay.
- Those are the lines we need

to pick back up.
- Okay.

- Yeah, you see 'em?
- Oh, I wish I had a script

on the show.
Maybe I would've won.

[laughs]
- Hey, look, you were great.

Colby's loss,
that's what I say.

- Aw, thank you
for saying that.

And I'm so excited to watch
the episodes with my family

and my grandma is coming.
She's 100.

She's gonna be 100.
- Great, really cool.

Okay, so you're gonna
hear three beeps

and a lesser signal
to say the line, okay?

- Okay, three beeps, right?
Okay, got it.

- First up--
well, it sounds like you said

"I'm so nervous
my pits are sweating."

- Oh, God. [chuckles]
That's so embarrassing.

I said that? Ugh.
- Okay, so three beeps.

After the beeps.
- Okay.

[beeping]

I'm so nervous
my pits are...sweating.

Oh, sorry. I messed that up.

- Don't worry.
That's fine. That's fine.

We can work around it.

We can--we can work around it.
- Really?

Okay.
- Totally fine.

You're a natural.
You got this.

You're doing great.
Okay, next line.

[pages rustling]
- Um...

Oh. I-I have to say this?

- Yup, yup.
So just wait for the beeps.

Here they come.
[beeping]

- I can't believe
this garbage whore thinks

she can talk to Colby again.

I just started talking
to Colby.

What a dumb garbage whore.

Okay, "garbage whore" isn't
gonna make me very popular.

Is there any way
we could just cut that out?

- We're-we're picture locked,
I'm afraid.

So, yeah, we have to match it
exactly.

Let's keep rolling.
Let's keep going, Amy.

You're doing great.
[beeping]

- I hope she gets COVID.
The long kind.

I might have COVID.
I'm not feeling that well.

I'm gonna make sure
to breathe on her a lot

at the cocktail party
so she gets it.

Hopefully she's not vaxxed
and she goes home and dies.

Okay, is there any way
we can just cut that out?

I-I-I'm really not feeling
too proud of that moment.

- No, as I said,

we-we are
picture locked now, so--

- I didn't know that people
were necessarily recording

or--was that definitely
me saying it?

'Cause I know microphones
can pick up on other people

and it can--

people can kind of throw
their voices.

- No, this line in particular
you were pretty--

like, you said, "Can I go
in the confessional booth now?

I've got something
to get off my chest."

So you actually kind of
initiated--

- It's me saying it?

- Definitely you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So the next--the next line
after the beeps.

- [sighs] Oh, God.

Oh, okay.

This one isn't bad.
[chuckles]

Phew!
- [chuckles]

- Okay.
[beeping]

I'm so excited
for my one-on-one with Colby.

[pages rustling]
I think I'm gonna suck him off

behind the candle display
in the hallway.

Let's see Kaitlin S. do that.

Come on, I-I--
did I definitely say that?

I-I really--I-I've--

I don't think I've ever said
those words in my life.

- Oh, hundo percento.

- Just, I'm not
that kind of person, you know?

I'm a--I'm a teacher.

- Yeah, that's why
this is so great,

'cause, like, imagine
your teacher

saying these things on TV.

These kids are gonna go nuts.

Their parents are gonna go
crazy.

You're gonna be famous.

Or infamous.
I can't remember

which one is, like,
the negative one.

But people are gonna know
your name, Amy S.

- Okay.
Next line.

- Okay, next line.
[beeping]

You know the Jews are trying
to replace us, right?

I-I really--
I don't feel great about this.

- Actually, sorry Amy,
could you do those again?

'Cause when you said them
on the show,

like, you were really hammered.

So could you, like,
kind of slur the speech?

And maybe add like a little
kind of, like, dr--

'cause you were drooling
on the show

when you said these things.

So if you could add kind of,
like, a drool-y

kind of wet sound.
[beeping]

- [slurring]
You know the Jews are trying

to replace us, right?

You know what? I think
I might have to take off.

I-I think I should call,
like, a lawyer.

- Don't worry,
that's actually the last line.

- Oh, okay.
- You did great.

Now we just need to get
some wild crying sounds.

You just--a bunch of...
both: Crying noises.

- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.

'Cause you did that a lot.

You did a lot of crying.
- Fuck.

- This is when you were
in the limo.

Do you remember?
And you were going home

earlier than you thought
you would be.

And you're just kind of
sobbing and sad and pathetic.

- [whimpers]

- Very good. Great.
And so can we pick it up

to kind of, like,
scream-crying?

So this is when Kaitlin R.
borrows Colby for a sec.

- Yes.
I hated when she did that.

That was totally uncool

because she'd already spent
time with him.

- Yeah, you were
really upset about that.

- So mad, yeah.

[sobbing]

- Yeah, nice.

Yeah, okay, but we really need
it sloppy, though, Amy, like--

Yeah, that's it.
Ugly.

That's right.
So sadness and rage.

Yeah, all over your face.
Yeah, great.

Bit of horniness
and, like, regret.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, that one was good.

Okay, we're gonna keep going.

And now this is
when you started vomiting

while you were scream-crying.

- [retches, sobs]
- Beautiful.

Be vomiting, crying,
screaming,

a little bit of farting.
- [mimics fart noise]

- You started farting
a little bit.

Farting, crying, screaming.

You're so sad.
You're so pathetic.

- [sobs] I really--

- Beautiful.
Bit more farts.

Couple of farts.
Oh, Amy.

That was--that was amazing.

I'm in the presence
of greatness.

That was perfect.
Your friends, your family,

the millions of people
who watch "The Bachelor,"

they're gonna be blown away.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I think--I think you're
gonna be real happy

with this, Amy.
- Okay.

Thank-thank you.
That's it?

- No, thank you.
That's you--

that's you done.
You're done.

You're done.
- Cut.

[chuckles]
- Yeah. Great.

Thanks, Amy.
You're a star.

You should have won.

You should have won.
- Okay.

Are you single?

- I--I'm asexual, actually.

- Okay.
- Thank you, though.

- You know the Jews are trying
to replace us, right?

[sighs]

Reality dating shows
are bad for women.

They're bad for men.

And I will watch them all
until I die.

[hip-hop music]

[ominous music]

- That thing is
still out there.

- Governor Babbit,
what do we do?

- I guess one of us
is gonna have to go out there

and try and stop it.

- Babbit's the one who didn't
fix the electrical grid.

So now the power's going out.

- [bangs desk] I told you
I had that trip to Mexico

planned months ago.
- Boys, we don't settle

disputes by yelling.

This is Texas.

We draw guns.

[thumping]
- [sighs]

- No matter what happens
out there,

we'll defend this room
like it's the Alamo.

[dramatic music]

* *

[thunder booms]

* *

[toilet flushing]

- No!

[grunts]
[urine splashing]

Oh, my God.

[door slams]

- This is the girls room.

Fuckin' Texas.

- We wanted to do
a horror movie scene.

And I think we figured out

what scares Texas politicians
more than anything.

- The runners up were
hurricanes, power outages,

uh, and the border.

[hip-hop music]

- Anyway, here it is.

This is your brand new office.

- What? [chuckles]
- Yeah.

- This is mine?

Oh, my God.
- Yep.

- Is that a plant?
- Uh, no.

Or, actually, yeah,
I guess-guess it is.

Look at that, huh?

[chuckles]
- Yeah.

I don't know why I smelled it.
- Not bad, right?

- It's amazing.
I really love it.

Thank you so much, Mr. Riley.

- Oh, just call me Boss.

- [chuckles weakly]
- And no thanks necessary.

You earned it.
Anyway, have a seat.

Make yourself at home.
Get comfy.

- Okay.
I really wanted to.

[chuckles] Oh, my gosh.
- Take it for a test drive.

[phone rings]
- [chuckles]

- Uh, so a few things
to go over.

We're gonna get you
a keycard.

There's a private bathroom
just for the execs.

Uh, mini fridge gets stocked
every...

- Hello?
- Monday.

And then every now and then
a little bit of poison leaks

into this office.

- What?
- Um, what else?

Oh, Clara's setting you up
with an assistant.

Uh, if you have a preference
on race, just let her know.

- I'm sorry, I just--
it sounded like you said

that this office leaks
a little bit of poison?

- Uh, yeah,
just a few times a day.

Just, you know, a little bit.

- Like-- [sighs]
Poison, poison?

- Yeah, it's an aerosol poison.

It comes right out
of the vents.

- Um--
Is that a problem?

- I mean, you know, no.

If it--if the other partners--

if it leaks
in everybody's office,

then I'll go down
with the ship.

[chuckles]
- Well, it doesn't.

Yeah, it's just this office.

- So it's not good for me?

- Look, Amy, I'm sensing
a little hesitation.

Why don't you talk to me,
child.

What's up? Are you feeling
a little bit overwhelmed?

You're the first female partner
we've had here, right?

Is that
a little bit of pressure?

You gonna start bleeding
on that chair?

- No, I don't even get
my period

for another ten days so--
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

TMI-ay-ay!

Ew, boy
- Sorry.

Okay.
- Eww, boy!

- Okay.
I won't talk about that anymore

if you don't.
I do just want to kind of

circle back
to this poison thing.

- Amy, um, yeah,
I gotta tell ya,

I'm proud that we made you
a partner.

I really feel
like a move like that

can really just pull us
into the 20th century.

- Yeah, me too.
I'm just--

I am kind of wondering, though,

you know, if maybe we could
turn the poison off

if it's just from right here?

Like, maybe we can
cover it up or something?

- No, 'cause that gets rid
of the ventilation.

Then everyone gets COVID.

So the answer to that is no.

See the couch?

You haven't even said
anything about it yet.

What do you think
of this design?

Not bad, right?

I had them cover it
with newspaper

so you don't have to worry

about your monthly
drippy drips.

- I'm sorry, I-I don't mean
to be annoying, but the--

regarding the poison--

- What is the obsession
with the poison?

There was a sign
on the front door.

It said "Do not enter.
Bad poison. Will die."

I un-taped that for you.

- It said "Will die"?

- You know what, Amy?
I'm sorry but it just feels

like you're being
very ungrateful right now.

I went to bat for you.

I said, "Hey, fellas,
it seems like a tampon company

should have at least one woman
on the board."

I did that. For you.

And now this.

[sighs]

All right, I guess this is
not good enough.

- No, no, no, no.
- I guess my design...

- No, no, no.
- That I laid out is

just no good.
- No. No, it is.

It's good. It's good.
It's good.

- You know what?
I think they were right.

Maybe you should never mentor
a woman.

Or a person of color.

Or all the different types
of gays.

- No. No, no, no.

I disrespected you.

I did.
And I am so sorry for that.

You have to forgive me.

I think I'm
probably ovulating.

And that is probably
why I'm so emotional.

- That's what I was gonna say.
- Yeah.

- But I didn't know
what the word was.

- No, it's--there's--
yeah, just women, you know...

[sighs] A week before, ten days
before their eggs drop--

- That's the period?
- No. It's--

- Are there eggs?
- That's the lining

of your uterus.
That's--it drops out of your--

out of your--
- But there's--

are there eggs in the blood?
- No, there's eggs--[sighs]

There's eggs in your ovaries.

But I'm--I disrespected you

and I should just be saying
"Thank you."

You've been so generous to me.

And let's just forget
about all of this, Boss.

- All right.
Well, you're welcome.

And welcome aboard.

- [chuckles]
- Congratulations.

- [chuckles]
[air hisses]

- Holy fuck, the poison!

- I don't even smell anything.

[sniffs] Oh, boy.

[newspapers crinkle]

[hip-hop music]

[organ playing funeral dirge]

- Golly, she looks svelte.

- Bet she's wearing
Casket SPANX.

- Nope! Casket SPANX
went out of business.

Don't ever say that name again.
- I just meant--

- But just because
Casket SPANX got sued

into oblivion, doesn't mean
you couldn't be svelter.

You shouldn't have to wait
for your body to decompose

to be skin and bones.

That's why we're here to help,

you Roald Dahl-looking bitch.

- Us or her?

- You, you fat piece of shit.

What if
once you start to decay

you're hit
with the devastating fact

that like everyone
in middle school suspected,

you are big-boned?

Well, don't worry.
We have your fat back...

[saw buzzing]

With Skinny Girl Coffins.

- Skinny Girl Coffins.
It's so easy.

- Skinny Girl Coffins
are the only way

today's deceased hotties
can rest in peace...

of ass.

Skinny Girl Coffins by me,
Bethenny Frankel.

Once again, Ron Weiner.

- * Never buy napkins *

* It is real,
it's a thing *

* It's my thing *

* Never buy napkins *

* You can go anywhere
and they're there *

* There's a lot of money
you can save *

* When you look around
and see the world around you *

* Everything got
a price tag on it *

* But we can take
napkins back *

* That would make you feel
better, won't it? *

* Never buy napkins *

* It's a vibe,
it's a scene *

* Cool for teens *

* Never buy napkins *

* At your dinner party
you could have *

* Napkins from Chipotle *

* It will be too late
inside your grave *

* So you, so you *

* So you should look around
and see the world around you *

* Everything got a half-life
don't it? *

* But we can take
napkins back *

* That would make you feel
better, won't it? *

- But as I watched the na--

[laughs]

- I just did a gravel ride.

It's a combination.
It's, like, road bike frame.

It's not mountain biking,
but it's off-road biking.

And I just did--it's--
you know, you're working

different muscles.
So you could ride five miles

and you could be as tired
as riding 50,

'cause you're doing
a lot of hills.

- All right, I can act
like a dumb bitch

on "The Bachelor." No problem.
- [chuckles]

- Like this, right?

* *

Like this, right?
- What's happening?

- I think you have to hit it--
- Fucking hell.

- I think you have to hit it
on the--against the couch.

[muffled thumping]

Wait, I need to make sure
you can see my vagina.

- We have to see the--
- I definitely see it.

[slurping]

- I like to put seltzer
in my water bottle.

[laughter]

* *

- It's so easy.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0