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00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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00:00:07,006 --> 00:00:10,877
Man: This is former commander
to the Commander in Chief
Dick Cheney
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00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:14,013
reminding you that there's
no flash photography
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00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:17,283
and all cell phones,
pagers, electronic devices
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00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:19,719
should be left on
during the show
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00:00:19,786 --> 00:00:21,521
so they may be swept up
in our broad,
8
00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:23,656
yet semi-legal net
of intelligence gathering.
9
00:00:24,657 --> 00:00:26,526
Also, because I have
awarded
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00:00:26,593 --> 00:00:28,928
a no-bid contact
to Halliburton
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00:00:28,995 --> 00:00:30,830
to operate the restrooms,
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00:00:30,897 --> 00:00:34,467
toilet paper is now
$15 a sheet.
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00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:35,902
Enjoy the show
14
00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:37,904
and go fuck yourselves.
15
00:01:38,097 --> 00:01:40,733
So you can come back
and pick me up later?
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00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,435
Thank you.
17
00:02:17,337 --> 00:02:18,905
That was weird.
18
00:02:20,406 --> 00:02:22,709
When the pilots of Marine One
said they were gonna
19
00:02:22,775 --> 00:02:24,911
said they were gonna
drop me off in New York City,
20
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:27,013
I thought
they were joking.
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00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:29,482
I said sure.
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00:02:29,549 --> 00:02:33,520
You know, "While you're at it,
why don't you drop me off
in the faggy Theater District?"
23
00:02:40,527 --> 00:02:41,995
And guess what?
They did.
24
00:02:42,061 --> 00:02:45,131
So, uh...
so the joke's on me.
25
00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:48,835
But let me be
clear about something.
I'm just kidding, okay?
26
00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:51,371
I don't think
theater's faggy.
27
00:02:51,437 --> 00:02:53,706
Except for "Cats."
28
00:02:55,208 --> 00:02:57,911
And "I Love You,
You're Perfect,
Now Change."
29
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:02,282
Yeah, that one's queer
and Yiddish-y.
30
00:03:04,083 --> 00:03:05,919
You know, if you
want to treat yourself
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00:03:05,985 --> 00:03:08,321
to just a wonderful night
out at the theater,
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00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:10,823
just an outstanding show
about pride,
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00:03:10,890 --> 00:03:12,325
work ethic,
34
00:03:12,392 --> 00:03:13,826
and values,
35
00:03:13,893 --> 00:03:16,095
without any sort
of gay agenda,
36
00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:18,965
go see "Rent."
37
00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:25,371
Laura and I
must've seen that show
no less than 80 times.
38
00:03:26,205 --> 00:03:30,276
♪ 525,600 minutes ♪
39
00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:33,613
♪ How do you measure
a year in the life? ♪
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00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,648
That's a little something
from "Rent."
41
00:03:37,116 --> 00:03:38,418
Yeah.
42
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,659
But we're not here tonight
to sing show tunes.
43
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:48,861
We're here to remember
44
00:03:48,928 --> 00:03:50,196
and cherish,
45
00:03:50,263 --> 00:03:53,433
and celebrate
my last eight years
of service to you,
46
00:03:53,499 --> 00:03:56,002
the fine citizens
of this nation
47
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:59,405
because as of, what,
about seven weeks ago,
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00:03:59,472 --> 00:04:01,274
I'm now
"George W. Bush,
49
00:04:01,341 --> 00:04:03,509
former President
of the United States."
50
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:06,179
(audience cheering)
51
00:04:11,851 --> 00:04:13,686
Thank you.
That's very sweet of you.
52
00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:18,157
That's totally unexpected.
53
00:04:19,626 --> 00:04:22,095
No, it's nice.
Yeah.
54
00:04:22,161 --> 00:04:24,797
Hey, look, here's the deal.
I can't deny what happened
55
00:04:24,864 --> 00:04:26,566
seven weeks ago.
56
00:04:26,633 --> 00:04:28,234
It happened.
57
00:04:28,301 --> 00:04:30,203
It's the Inauguration.
58
00:04:30,269 --> 00:04:32,472
It's the law.
59
00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:34,941
And I'll be honest with you.
60
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:36,409
I'm a fan of
the Tiger Woods guy.
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00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:38,177
I, uh...
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00:04:39,379 --> 00:04:41,447
I like him.
63
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:44,350
I like him.
He seems like a smart guy.
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00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:47,020
He's a great speechmaker.
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00:04:48,521 --> 00:04:50,857
Every time he talks,
it's like Shakespeare
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00:04:50,923 --> 00:04:53,059
having sex
with a bottle
of Courvoisier.
67
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,927
You know?
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00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:03,002
His words just wash over you
69
00:05:03,069 --> 00:05:05,171
like hot butterscotch pudding,
you know?
70
00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:07,273
It's just like...
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00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:09,676
"Don't stop."
You know?
72
00:05:11,310 --> 00:05:13,212
But tonight's about me, okay?
73
00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:16,049
This is my farewell,
and...
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00:05:16,115 --> 00:05:17,784
sure, it's a bit melancholy.
75
00:05:17,850 --> 00:05:20,286
But with every ending
there are new beginnings,
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00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:22,555
much the same way
the break-up of the Beatles
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00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:25,858
gave us a far
superior band in Wings...
78
00:05:29,462 --> 00:05:31,330
or the end of "Friends"
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00:05:31,397 --> 00:05:33,066
gave us "Joey."
80
00:05:36,135 --> 00:05:38,805
Did you just
roll your eyes at me?
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00:05:38,871 --> 00:05:41,407
You right there
in the second row,
you just roll your eyes at me?
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00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:44,377
Man: This is the third row. No, I can count.
83
00:05:44,444 --> 00:05:45,812
It's the second row.
84
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:53,319
See, in the theater
the third row is called
the second row.
85
00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:56,656
That's how they do it.
86
00:06:01,461 --> 00:06:04,030
Tell you right now you'd
better wipe that smirk
off your face, okay?
87
00:06:05,164 --> 00:06:06,766
I'll have you removed.
88
00:06:06,833 --> 00:06:09,569
It's not a big deal.
89
00:06:09,635 --> 00:06:12,038
You're probably
from "The New York Times."
You from "The New York Times"?
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00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:13,706
No.
91
00:06:15,007 --> 00:06:16,542
Are you Paul Krug?
92
00:06:18,678 --> 00:06:20,046
No.
93
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,948
Are you Thomas J. Friedman?
94
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,388
Are you Maureen O'Dowd?
95
00:06:31,257 --> 00:06:32,959
No.
No, I'm not a woman.
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00:06:33,025 --> 00:06:34,827
You're not a woman?
Is that what you said? No.
97
00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:37,130
You a comedian?
Are you like a funny guy?
98
00:06:38,498 --> 00:06:39,899
Are you Sinbad?
99
00:06:44,937 --> 00:06:46,672
Are you Penn and Teller?
100
00:06:48,941 --> 00:06:51,310
Watch yourself, okay?
101
00:06:51,377 --> 00:06:53,112
"New York Times."
Give me a break.
102
00:06:53,179 --> 00:06:55,281
Let us pray.
103
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:00,386
Dear Lord Jesus Christ...
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00:07:00,453 --> 00:07:02,889
and by "Jesus Christ,"
I'm referring to blond,
good-looking,
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00:07:02,955 --> 00:07:05,825
lightly-bearded
or clean-shaven
Jesus Christ.
106
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,297
Not hippie-looking Jesus,
107
00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:14,167
or swarthy, more-
middle-eastern-looking Jesus...
108
00:07:15,468 --> 00:07:18,171
who's probably more
historically accurate--
109
00:07:18,237 --> 00:07:19,872
not that guy.
110
00:07:20,907 --> 00:07:23,075
So dear clean-shaven or...
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00:07:23,142 --> 00:07:25,812
lightly-beared-
like-Mike-Piazza Jesus...
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00:07:31,751 --> 00:07:33,886
we give thanks to you
and to everything you do.
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00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:36,455
Your love and acceptance
washes over all of us
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00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:38,491
like the warm healing waters
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00:07:38,558 --> 00:07:41,527
of one of those European toilets
that cleans the inside and out.
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00:07:42,728 --> 00:07:44,463
I believe it's called
a "bidett."
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00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,101
Dear blond...
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00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:51,904
almost-Swiss-looking Jesus,
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00:07:54,507 --> 00:07:57,443
we ask you to allow us
to accept everyone in
this theater tonight,
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00:07:57,510 --> 00:07:59,545
regardless of their
religious beliefs
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00:07:59,612 --> 00:08:02,114
whether it be
Muslim or Hindu
122
00:08:02,181 --> 00:08:04,383
or Jewish or witchcraft.
123
00:08:07,587 --> 00:08:10,823
Dear sweet-smelling
-of-lavender-
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00:08:10,890 --> 00:08:12,892
and-Dial-soap Jesus,
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00:08:14,193 --> 00:08:15,962
bring us together tonight
in solidarity,
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00:08:16,028 --> 00:08:17,964
and not "separatude."
127
00:08:19,899 --> 00:08:22,735
Dear life-of-the-party,
always-with-a-funny-joke Jesus,
128
00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:26,205
walking around in a cool
pair of Crocs,
129
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:29,942
holding a can of Diet Slice,
130
00:08:31,043 --> 00:08:32,144
making people wonder
at the party,
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00:08:32,211 --> 00:08:33,613
"Wait, is there Diet Slice
at the party?"
132
00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:35,214
"No, Jesus
brought his own."
133
00:08:41,287 --> 00:08:43,289
"Oh, 'cause I would
really love some Diet Slice."
134
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:45,157
"Well, don't talk to me.
Talk to Jesus.
135
00:08:47,526 --> 00:08:49,395
"Seriously, don't embarrass
me in front of Jesus.
136
00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:51,397
"It took him a lot
to come to my party.
137
00:08:52,431 --> 00:08:53,666
"So don't bug him.
138
00:08:53,733 --> 00:08:55,701
"Great. Now he left.
Way to go, man.
139
00:08:57,236 --> 00:08:58,905
He took his Diet Slice
with him."
140
00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:01,941
That Jesus.
141
00:09:03,175 --> 00:09:04,977
Once again, we thank you
for everything you do,
142
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:07,079
and want to remind everyone
in this theater
143
00:09:07,146 --> 00:09:08,781
that by participating
in this prayer,
144
00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:11,717
they have automatically
accepted Jesus Christ
as their lord and savior,
145
00:09:12,852 --> 00:09:14,487
regardless of their
religious beliefs,
146
00:09:14,553 --> 00:09:15,888
they cannot get out of it
no matter what,
147
00:09:15,955 --> 00:09:17,924
retroactive as soon
as I say "Amen."
Amen.
148
00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:30,937
So after eight years,
this crazy ride's over.
149
00:09:31,003 --> 00:09:31,971
Can I be honest with you?
150
00:09:32,038 --> 00:09:34,407
I feel as free
as balls in boxers.
151
00:09:34,473 --> 00:09:36,108
Yeah.
152
00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:40,212
I can now do anything I want.
153
00:09:40,279 --> 00:09:42,815
Hell, I might even have
a beer tonight.
154
00:09:42,882 --> 00:09:44,684
Or better yet,
smoke a joint.
155
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:48,287
Or a "spleef" as they say
in the hip-hop community
156
00:09:48,354 --> 00:09:49,889
Yeah.
157
00:09:49,956 --> 00:09:51,724
Put on a little Common...
158
00:09:52,692 --> 00:09:54,694
or Nas.
Yeah.
159
00:09:55,828 --> 00:09:57,096
Hell, I'm such
a wild card right now,
160
00:09:57,163 --> 00:09:58,497
I might even show
a picture of my penis.
161
00:09:58,564 --> 00:09:59,832
Throw my penis up there.
Go ahead, do it.
162
00:09:59,899 --> 00:10:02,234
Throw it up there.
Come on, now.
163
00:10:20,086 --> 00:10:22,388
That's how unpredictable I am.
164
00:10:23,889 --> 00:10:26,192
If you're sitting there
and you think it didn't happen,
165
00:10:26,258 --> 00:10:28,594
or it was maybe a mirage,
166
00:10:28,661 --> 00:10:30,129
I'll do it again.
Do it again!
167
00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:31,697
Throw it up there again.
168
00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:39,205
That's what you call
"shock and awe" right there.
169
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:43,843
That's my stimulus package.
170
00:10:52,651 --> 00:10:54,954
That one doesn't
cost you 800 bajillion-
171
00:10:55,021 --> 00:10:57,957
billion-jillion-
Monopoly money dollars.
172
00:11:00,626 --> 00:11:03,229
I asked my
Secret Service guy there, Jerry,
173
00:11:03,295 --> 00:11:05,998
to score me some
sticky green buds tonight
174
00:11:06,065 --> 00:11:08,367
and this is what he delivered.
175
00:11:08,434 --> 00:11:10,803
It's called "Panamanian
Devil's Crotch."
176
00:11:12,304 --> 00:11:13,839
So you know it's good.
177
00:11:14,874 --> 00:11:16,308
You know what else
I found out?
178
00:11:16,375 --> 00:11:19,211
I get Secret Service detail
for the next 10 years.
179
00:11:19,278 --> 00:11:21,247
So for the next 10 years,
I get a guy like Jerry
180
00:11:21,313 --> 00:11:23,215
right here
at my beck and call.
181
00:11:23,282 --> 00:11:25,084
Go ahead, bones it out.
182
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:34,427
Believe me,
that's a bromance
in the making right there.
183
00:11:34,493 --> 00:11:36,729
(one loud clapping)
184
00:11:38,164 --> 00:11:40,099
Clapping for the bromance.
I love it.
185
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:43,002
So for the next 10 years,
186
00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:45,037
Secret Service has to do
anything I want.
187
00:11:45,104 --> 00:11:47,840
For instance, if I'm at
a Reba McEntire concert...
188
00:11:49,075 --> 00:11:51,077
and I'm too tired
to walk back to the car,
189
00:11:51,143 --> 00:11:54,313
Secret Service has to,
by law,
190
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:56,649
carry me piggyback
191
00:11:56,715 --> 00:11:58,684
back to the parking lot.
192
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:01,587
Or if I decide to get
a tattoo on my back
193
00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:03,556
of that scary-looking
Jewish character
194
00:12:03,622 --> 00:12:05,758
from all the "Lord
of the Rings" movies...
195
00:12:06,759 --> 00:12:08,027
What's his name?
196
00:12:08,094 --> 00:12:09,829
Skinny little Jewish guy,
what's his name?
197
00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:11,897
(audience answering) Gollum. Gollum. Yeah.
198
00:12:13,632 --> 00:12:17,136
Gollum. If I decide
to get a tattoo of Gollum
on my back...
199
00:12:19,705 --> 00:12:22,708
which I've threatened to do
countless times, yeah...
200
00:12:24,009 --> 00:12:25,578
and I don't got
the money on me,
201
00:12:25,644 --> 00:12:27,480
Secret Service
has to spot me.
202
00:12:28,681 --> 00:12:30,316
And by "spot me,"
I mean,
203
00:12:30,382 --> 00:12:32,751
"give me the money
that I will forget
to pay back."
204
00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:37,189
This is all paid for by you,
the taxpayers.
205
00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:39,692
Don't get mad at me.
I'm just benefiting
from the system
206
00:12:39,758 --> 00:12:41,393
that's already in place.
207
00:12:41,460 --> 00:12:43,629
It's one of the many perks,
if you will.
208
00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:45,998
(mocking laugh)
209
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,111
So here we are.
210
00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:01,313
Just you and me.
211
00:13:01,380 --> 00:13:03,382
Face to face.
212
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,151
Mano y mano.
213
00:13:06,385 --> 00:13:08,254
I don't know how many of you
are familiar
214
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:10,289
with a news agency
by the name of CNN.
215
00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:13,626
They came out with a poll
in May of 2008
216
00:13:13,692 --> 00:13:16,328
that states that I'm the most
unpopular president
217
00:13:16,395 --> 00:13:18,330
in modern US history.
218
00:13:18,397 --> 00:13:20,699
71% of Americans
219
00:13:20,766 --> 00:13:22,234
at that time.
220
00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:24,170
That means you guys
in this theater
221
00:13:24,236 --> 00:13:26,305
unless you happen
to be an illegal,
222
00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:28,240
in which I suggest
you leave.
223
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,443
Once again,
wipe that smirk off your face.
224
00:13:31,510 --> 00:13:33,212
Do you hear me?
225
00:13:33,279 --> 00:13:34,780
Do you hear me?
226
00:13:34,847 --> 00:13:37,349
I used to be a cheerleader
at Yale, okay?
227
00:13:39,218 --> 00:13:41,220
They don't just
hand that shit out.
228
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,264
Anyway...
229
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:53,832
71% of Americans
230
00:13:53,899 --> 00:13:57,203
at that time disapproved
of the job that I was doing.
231
00:13:57,269 --> 00:13:59,772
that's an all-time--
well, that's one poll.
That's one poll.
232
00:13:59,838 --> 00:14:01,974
So don't get cocky.
233
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:07,146
Fox News poll was
exactly the opposite
234
00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:08,847
if you check.
235
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,852
Anyway, 71% of Americans
at that time,
236
00:14:13,919 --> 00:14:16,155
they disapproved
of the job that I was doing.
237
00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:18,724
That's an all-time high
for a disapproval rating.
238
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:21,493
That's higher than Truman,
higher than Nixon.
239
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:23,896
Kinda crazy if you ask me.
240
00:14:23,963 --> 00:14:27,533
I mean, hell,
they made a movie about me
while I was still president.
241
00:14:28,867 --> 00:14:30,669
Yeah, starring Josh Brolin.
242
00:14:30,736 --> 00:14:32,605
He's a good-looking guy.
243
00:14:32,671 --> 00:14:35,207
That's got to be
good for something.
244
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:38,978
They could have cast
someone awful like Sean Penn...
245
00:14:40,646 --> 00:14:42,314
or Diego Luna.
246
00:14:45,351 --> 00:14:46,919
You gotta understand,
no president's perfect,
247
00:14:46,986 --> 00:14:50,089
but almost 3/4 of the country
not liking me?
248
00:14:50,155 --> 00:14:51,924
I can't accept that.
249
00:14:51,991 --> 00:14:54,093
Diego Luna.
250
00:14:55,527 --> 00:14:57,863
So before you make up your mind,
251
00:14:57,930 --> 00:14:59,732
before the powers that be
252
00:14:59,798 --> 00:15:02,268
close up the "anals"
of history...
253
00:15:05,337 --> 00:15:07,206
hear me out,
254
00:15:07,273 --> 00:15:08,941
and get to know the man.
255
00:15:09,008 --> 00:15:10,109
(guitar music playing)
256
00:15:10,175 --> 00:15:13,045
I was born July 6th, 1946
257
00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:15,347
in New Haven, Connecticut.
258
00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:17,182
I'm the firstborn child
259
00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:19,251
of George Herbert
Walker Bush
260
00:15:19,318 --> 00:15:21,720
and Barbara "Scary Lady" Bush.
261
00:15:25,557 --> 00:15:27,459
I got three younger
brothers and a sister.
262
00:15:27,526 --> 00:15:29,194
We're a tight-knit family.
263
00:15:29,261 --> 00:15:31,297
We like to goof off,
joke around,
264
00:15:31,363 --> 00:15:32,931
have a good time.
265
00:15:32,998 --> 00:15:34,633
Brother Jeb,
266
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:36,835
he used to be governor
of Florida.
267
00:15:36,902 --> 00:15:38,170
Brother Neil,
268
00:15:38,237 --> 00:15:40,706
he did some
savings and loan
stuff back in the '80s.
269
00:15:41,573 --> 00:15:43,342
And brother Marvin...
270
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:46,945
and sister Dorothy...
271
00:15:47,813 --> 00:15:49,214
are great.
272
00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:52,151
They do things too.
273
00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:56,522
Like I was saying,
we're a tight-knit unit.
274
00:15:56,588 --> 00:15:59,391
I've said this before
and I'll say it again.
275
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:03,095
Families is where
our nation finds hope,
276
00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:05,264
where wings take dream.
277
00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:08,534
Think about that
for a second.
278
00:16:09,601 --> 00:16:11,203
Where wings...
279
00:16:11,270 --> 00:16:12,705
take dream.
280
00:16:13,739 --> 00:16:15,541
It's a pretty
powerful statement.
281
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:18,977
I grew up mostly
in the Midland
282
00:16:19,044 --> 00:16:20,412
and Houston areas of Texas.
283
00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:22,481
We got any folks here
from Texas tonight?
284
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:24,450
(scattered cheers)
285
00:16:24,516 --> 00:16:25,751
You know, it's funny.
286
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:29,021
People who meet me
say they see a certain swagger.
287
00:16:29,088 --> 00:16:31,090
Well, in Texas,
that's called walking.
288
00:16:32,958 --> 00:16:35,160
Where in Texas
you from?
Woman: Dallas!
289
00:16:35,227 --> 00:16:36,495
Dallas?
290
00:16:36,562 --> 00:16:38,230
A lot of peop-- (audience shouting
place names)
291
00:16:38,297 --> 00:16:39,465
What was the other one?
292
00:16:39,531 --> 00:16:41,667
Houston?
A lot of good
cocaine in Houston.
293
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:48,107
Gets hot there
in the summertime though,
doesn't it? Yeah.
294
00:16:49,241 --> 00:16:50,509
They got good Tex-Mex,
though, right?
295
00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:54,246
Yeah.
Real good to have you here.
296
00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:02,388
Anyway...
297
00:17:02,454 --> 00:17:03,756
Midland is not
like New York.
298
00:17:03,822 --> 00:17:05,657
It's a lot more
gradual lifestyle,
299
00:17:05,724 --> 00:17:07,126
but in looking back,
300
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:10,062
it was the perfect place
for wings to take dream.
301
00:17:12,598 --> 00:17:14,400
I was a...
302
00:17:14,466 --> 00:17:16,068
I was a simple, normal kid.
303
00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:17,636
I liked to do
simple, normal things.
304
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,872
Like shoot wrist rockets
at a stray cat
305
00:17:19,938 --> 00:17:21,840
strapped to
a propane tank.
306
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:31,216
Just basic mischief,
you know?
307
00:17:32,518 --> 00:17:35,320
This one time,
we shot up a sleeping hobo
308
00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:36,989
full of Novocaine
309
00:17:37,055 --> 00:17:39,758
and then we'd yell
"Pie on a windowsill,"
310
00:17:39,825 --> 00:17:42,227
and they'd wake up
all numb and poor
311
00:17:42,294 --> 00:17:43,595
and...
312
00:17:43,662 --> 00:17:45,397
and we'd laugh.
313
00:17:47,599 --> 00:17:50,502
But that's just
the type of stuff you do
growing up in Midland.,
314
00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:53,305
when you're a young,
precocious little
30-year-old.
315
00:17:55,974 --> 00:17:58,210
Hey, but let it be known
here and now,
316
00:17:58,277 --> 00:18:00,045
I'm a Texan through
and through,
317
00:18:00,112 --> 00:18:02,681
a Texan who was born
in Connecticut,
318
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,851
went to boarding school
in Massachusetts,
319
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:09,555
and college at Yale
and Harvard.
320
00:18:09,621 --> 00:18:11,857
I would've gone
to the University of Texas
for law school,
321
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,026
but there was
one small issue.
322
00:18:14,092 --> 00:18:16,261
I was not accepted.
323
00:18:18,497 --> 00:18:20,632
My time at Yale was great. (bell chiming)
324
00:18:20,699 --> 00:18:22,234
It was very formative.
325
00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:24,570
I received a Bachelor's Degree
in history,
326
00:18:24,636 --> 00:18:26,638
and my nickname
was "Gin and Tonic."
327
00:18:26,705 --> 00:18:28,474
(bell dings)
328
00:18:30,976 --> 00:18:33,479
While at Yale,
I was a member
of a secret society
329
00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:35,247
called
the Skull and Bones,
330
00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:37,416
which I used to call
"Skull and Boners."
331
00:18:38,817 --> 00:18:41,453
The guys thought
that was funny for
about a month.
332
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:43,655
Then they asked me
to please stop.
333
00:18:44,756 --> 00:18:46,825
But I didn't
334
00:18:46,892 --> 00:18:49,795
'cause I'm tenacious.
335
00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:53,365
The society is so secret,
I have to stop talking about it.
336
00:18:53,432 --> 00:18:55,801
I can't tell you
anything more about it.
337
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:57,369
Okay, I'll tell you one thing,
338
00:18:57,436 --> 00:19:00,405
but it does not leave
the theater, okay?
339
00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:02,774
During the intense
initiation period,
340
00:19:02,841 --> 00:19:05,244
you have to divulge
all your sexual exploits
341
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:07,212
to your potential
fellow brothers.
342
00:19:07,279 --> 00:19:08,714
I revealed to the group
343
00:19:08,780 --> 00:19:11,316
how I'd just participated
in my first threesome
344
00:19:11,383 --> 00:19:13,919
with two hot Latina women.
345
00:19:14,953 --> 00:19:17,122
And a guy named
Dave Rothschild.
346
00:19:19,124 --> 00:19:22,694
What I didn't realize was
this was actually a four-way.
347
00:19:22,761 --> 00:19:25,931
I always thought a threesome
was three people plus yourself.
348
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:34,373
Yeah, we all had
a good laugh about that.
349
00:19:34,439 --> 00:19:36,408
Then someone said,
"Seriously though,
350
00:19:36,475 --> 00:19:39,011
"why was another guy there
in the first place?"
351
00:19:39,077 --> 00:19:41,513
And I explained how
he wasn't there at first.
352
00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:44,750
At first, it was just me
and the two hot Latina women,
353
00:19:44,816 --> 00:19:46,351
gettin' at it.
354
00:19:46,418 --> 00:19:48,387
('70s music playing)
355
00:19:52,724 --> 00:19:54,793
And I mean getting at it.
356
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:57,529
There was muff
flying everywhere.
357
00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:01,600
I'm talking
knee-deep in muff.
358
00:20:02,634 --> 00:20:05,337
Had to get
your muff-waders on.
359
00:20:05,404 --> 00:20:06,505
You know what I mean?
360
00:20:06,572 --> 00:20:08,674
You would not
know what I mean.
361
00:20:12,578 --> 00:20:15,647
Needless to say,
there was a high
volume of muff.
362
00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:19,952
Is there anyone
at this point of the story
who's confused
363
00:20:20,018 --> 00:20:22,254
as to how much muff
there was?
364
00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:25,757
'Cause I can keep going
with the analogies.
365
00:20:25,824 --> 00:20:27,526
(audience members shout)
366
00:20:27,593 --> 00:20:30,062
Okay, you know
the Great Wall of China?
367
00:20:31,496 --> 00:20:33,899
Imagine that's made
entirely of muff.
368
00:20:37,803 --> 00:20:40,472
You know those water cannons
that riot police shoot
369
00:20:40,539 --> 00:20:41,974
to hose down crowds?
370
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,843
Imagine the only thing
coming out is liquid muff...
371
00:20:47,546 --> 00:20:50,382
at like 3,000
pounds per second.
372
00:20:50,449 --> 00:20:51,850
Yeah.
373
00:20:52,884 --> 00:20:54,553
We got it covered?
374
00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:56,488
Okay. Muff said.
375
00:20:58,457 --> 00:21:01,226
Anyway, I look up
and there's this guy
standing there.
376
00:21:01,293 --> 00:21:03,328
He says,
"Hi, I'm Dave Rothschild."
377
00:21:05,364 --> 00:21:07,666
I'm like,
"Do I know you, Dave?"
378
00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:10,636
He's like, "No,
I don't think so."
379
00:21:10,702 --> 00:21:12,638
I'm like,
"Do you go to Yale?"
380
00:21:12,704 --> 00:21:14,439
He's like,
"No, I'm from out of town.
381
00:21:14,506 --> 00:21:16,742
I just got off a bus
from Denver."
382
00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:20,212
Well, anyway, I didn't
want to lose momentum,
383
00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:22,414
so I got back into the flow.
384
00:21:22,481 --> 00:21:23,982
Next thing you know,
385
00:21:24,049 --> 00:21:26,618
Dave Rothschild makes
a pretty seamless transition
386
00:21:26,685 --> 00:21:28,587
into the group...
387
00:21:29,721 --> 00:21:32,257
and something special
is happening.
388
00:21:32,324 --> 00:21:33,759
Two hours later,
389
00:21:33,825 --> 00:21:36,228
I didn't know where
our four bodies end
and where they begin.
390
00:21:36,294 --> 00:21:38,196
It was like
the "Kama Sutra"
391
00:21:38,263 --> 00:21:39,931
combined with
the power of The Hulk
392
00:21:39,998 --> 00:21:41,733
at a Dave Matthews concert.
393
00:21:43,468 --> 00:21:46,371
In other words,
it just felt right.
394
00:21:46,438 --> 00:21:49,775
Let me fast forward
to my time in the Air
National Guard.
395
00:21:50,842 --> 00:21:52,944
Between 1972 and 1973,
396
00:21:53,011 --> 00:21:55,013
there's a little blip
on my record.
397
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:57,716
By blip, I mean lack
of documentation
398
00:21:57,783 --> 00:21:59,951
that I was ever
even around.
399
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:04,189
Those in the media
have claimed that I went AWOL.
400
00:22:04,256 --> 00:22:06,058
Well, I just want to say
401
00:22:06,124 --> 00:22:07,993
here for the first time tonight,
402
00:22:08,060 --> 00:22:09,428
yes.
403
00:22:09,494 --> 00:22:11,296
I was indeed AWOL.
404
00:22:11,363 --> 00:22:13,699
I was living in Vermont
with Dave Rothschild.
405
00:22:13,765 --> 00:22:15,701
(folk ballad playing)
406
00:22:19,204 --> 00:22:22,040
It was a wonderful period
of exploration in my life.
407
00:22:23,709 --> 00:22:27,279
Dave and I would go
on long walks in the woods,
408
00:22:27,345 --> 00:22:29,481
write poetry
to each other.
409
00:22:29,548 --> 00:22:33,085
I'd express my fear
of going to the Vietnam War
410
00:22:33,151 --> 00:22:35,620
and Dave would validate
those fears.
411
00:22:35,687 --> 00:22:38,457
Ours was a relationship
of trust
412
00:22:38,523 --> 00:22:40,225
and male spirit.
413
00:22:40,292 --> 00:22:41,626
Although it was never sexual,
414
00:22:41,693 --> 00:22:44,329
we weren't afraid
to cry in each other's arms,
415
00:22:44,396 --> 00:22:45,897
or give each other
416
00:22:45,964 --> 00:22:47,966
western-grip hand jobs.
417
00:22:51,103 --> 00:22:53,438
See, that's a normal
hand job right here.
418
00:22:54,506 --> 00:22:56,341
This is western-grip
right here.
419
00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:03,715
You getting that all the way
up at the top there?
420
00:23:03,782 --> 00:23:05,617
Can you see that?
421
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,622
The thumb remains
unencumbered
422
00:23:10,689 --> 00:23:12,190
for exploring.
423
00:23:13,692 --> 00:23:15,293
Diego Luna.
424
00:23:18,497 --> 00:23:21,933
Dave Rothschild
and his massive 6'6" frame
425
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,169
and long, jet-black hair
426
00:23:24,236 --> 00:23:26,271
was my salvation.
427
00:23:26,338 --> 00:23:27,639
There you have it.
428
00:23:27,706 --> 00:23:29,474
That's my big secret.
429
00:23:29,541 --> 00:23:32,377
By the way, none of this
leaves the theater, okay?
430
00:23:32,444 --> 00:23:35,380
I could get kicked out
of the Skull and Bones
forever.
431
00:23:35,447 --> 00:23:38,150
So after my time in Vermont
with Dave Rothschild,
432
00:23:38,216 --> 00:23:39,484
here's what happened. (percussive beat)
433
00:23:39,551 --> 00:23:41,820
I met my wife Laura.
We had twins.
434
00:23:41,887 --> 00:23:43,688
I ran for Congress.
I lost.
435
00:23:43,755 --> 00:23:45,791
I started an energy
exploration company.
436
00:23:45,857 --> 00:23:47,192
It went bankrupt.
437
00:23:47,259 --> 00:23:49,261
But I sold all my stock
right before that happened,
438
00:23:49,327 --> 00:23:50,996
which some people
said was illegal.
439
00:23:51,062 --> 00:23:53,231
Then my dad
became president
and guess what?
440
00:23:53,298 --> 00:23:55,133
Criminal investigation
of my stock sale
441
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,968
just went away.
Ha ha!
442
00:23:59,571 --> 00:24:01,473
By then, I owned part
of the Texas Rangers.
443
00:24:01,540 --> 00:24:04,309
I then sold my part,
got a nifty $15 million return
444
00:24:04,376 --> 00:24:06,444
on my initial
$800,000 investment.
445
00:24:06,511 --> 00:24:08,847
I then became
governor of Texas.
446
00:24:08,914 --> 00:24:11,349
I'm the first governor
in Texas state history
447
00:24:11,416 --> 00:24:13,285
to be elected
to two consecutive terms.
448
00:24:13,351 --> 00:24:15,220
As governor,
my highlights included
449
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:16,888
reinstating a bill
450
00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:18,623
that allowed for citizens
to carry
451
00:24:18,690 --> 00:24:20,959
concealed weapons
into churches,
452
00:24:21,026 --> 00:24:22,994
nursing homes,
453
00:24:23,061 --> 00:24:24,896
and amusement parks.
454
00:24:24,963 --> 00:24:27,599
There are more executions
in my state
455
00:24:27,666 --> 00:24:29,467
than any other state
in the union.
456
00:24:29,534 --> 00:24:31,369
and on June 10th, 2000,
457
00:24:31,436 --> 00:24:33,939
I proclaimed it
to be Jesus Day in Texas.
458
00:24:34,005 --> 00:24:36,107
(bell dings)
459
00:24:36,174 --> 00:24:38,710
Now how many other
states had a Jesus day?
460
00:24:38,777 --> 00:24:40,645
I'll tell you.
461
00:24:40,712 --> 00:24:42,214
None.
462
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:44,916
♪ Satan is real ♪
463
00:24:44,983 --> 00:24:47,719
♪ Working in spirit ♪
464
00:24:47,786 --> 00:24:52,924
♪ He can tempt you
and lead you astray ♪
465
00:24:52,991 --> 00:24:55,460
(electronic music playing)
466
00:24:55,527 --> 00:24:58,830
Various voices:
We are applying
the Bush doctrine.
467
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:05,003
Any statement
I did or did not make
468
00:25:05,070 --> 00:25:06,571
or would or would not make...
469
00:25:06,638 --> 00:25:08,340
Senator, welcome to our...
470
00:25:08,406 --> 00:25:11,109
I don't have any recollection
or awareness of that.
471
00:25:12,811 --> 00:25:16,414
Is there anything of yours
that we could keep as
a memento of this visit?
472
00:25:17,515 --> 00:25:18,683
Take California.
473
00:25:18,750 --> 00:25:20,785
Fear...
The decisive leadership
474
00:25:20,852 --> 00:25:22,587
of President
George W. Bush.
475
00:25:24,122 --> 00:25:26,491
(music fades)
476
00:25:29,594 --> 00:25:31,730
(insects chirping)
477
00:25:38,870 --> 00:25:41,473
I love it out here
on our ranch in Crawford.
478
00:25:41,539 --> 00:25:43,608
The rich smell
of sage and mesquite
479
00:25:43,675 --> 00:25:46,044
fills up your lungs
when you wake up in the morning.
480
00:25:47,245 --> 00:25:48,713
Sometimes it fills up
your lungs so much
481
00:25:48,780 --> 00:25:50,649
you start to feel nauseous,
482
00:25:50,715 --> 00:25:52,918
and you get
splitting headaches
483
00:25:52,984 --> 00:25:54,819
and you realize it's not
the mesquite you're inhaling,
484
00:25:54,886 --> 00:25:58,423
but exhaust fumes
from the leaf blower
that you've had on your back
485
00:25:58,490 --> 00:26:00,692
that you left running
for over an hour.
486
00:26:02,861 --> 00:26:04,896
This is my sanctuary.
487
00:26:04,963 --> 00:26:06,698
Working the land.
488
00:26:06,765 --> 00:26:08,667
Repairing fences.
489
00:26:13,605 --> 00:26:15,240
Stacking rocks.
490
00:26:15,307 --> 00:26:17,008
I know every little
trail out here.
491
00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:18,643
Ow.
492
00:26:20,512 --> 00:26:23,214
Every little arroyo in
this sliver of God's country.
493
00:26:24,449 --> 00:26:27,719
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
(mimicking bird call)
494
00:26:28,586 --> 00:26:30,722
(mimicking bird call)
495
00:26:30,789 --> 00:26:32,891
I'm trying to track
a wild sage hen.
496
00:26:33,758 --> 00:26:36,161
(mimicking bird call)
497
00:26:36,227 --> 00:26:40,432
(cooing)
498
00:26:40,498 --> 00:26:43,001
(mimicking bird call)
499
00:26:43,068 --> 00:26:44,970
Ah, fuck,
it's not working.
500
00:26:49,107 --> 00:26:52,377
Like I was saying, I know
this land like the back
of my hand.
501
00:26:52,444 --> 00:26:53,945
And heck, I should.
502
00:26:54,012 --> 00:26:56,281
I established a record
for most vacation days
503
00:26:56,348 --> 00:26:57,983
taken by a president.
504
00:26:59,651 --> 00:27:01,319
40%-- yeah.
505
00:27:01,386 --> 00:27:03,088
40% of my time in office
506
00:27:03,154 --> 00:27:05,557
was spent
at one presidential
retreat or another.
507
00:27:05,623 --> 00:27:07,525
I'm proud of that record.
508
00:27:07,592 --> 00:27:09,594
During that time,
I watched "Carlito's Way"
509
00:27:09,661 --> 00:27:11,529
over 800 times.
510
00:27:13,498 --> 00:27:14,799
Mmm.
511
00:27:16,134 --> 00:27:17,869
It's true.
512
00:27:19,004 --> 00:27:21,139
This ranch means
so much to me and Laura.
513
00:27:21,206 --> 00:27:22,874
Nothing's more American
514
00:27:22,941 --> 00:27:24,809
or therapeutic
in my opinion
515
00:27:24,876 --> 00:27:27,112
than obsessively
clearing brush.
516
00:27:28,713 --> 00:27:30,248
Oh hell,
who are we kidding?
517
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:32,450
We're hoping
to sell this place by June.
518
00:27:32,517 --> 00:27:34,152
Karl Rove made me buy it
519
00:27:34,219 --> 00:27:35,954
back in '99 to seem
more folksy.
520
00:27:36,021 --> 00:27:39,157
But can I be honest with you?
I don't know what the fuck
I'm doing out here.
521
00:27:40,692 --> 00:27:43,061
I almost got lockjaw
three different times
522
00:27:43,128 --> 00:27:46,164
from cutting myself
on rusted barbwire.
523
00:27:47,665 --> 00:27:49,134
It's a hot, dusty,
524
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:51,970
heatstroke-inducing
hellhole out here.
525
00:27:53,805 --> 00:27:55,206
We're so excited
526
00:27:55,273 --> 00:27:57,542
now that we're moved
into our whites-only
community in Dallas
527
00:27:57,609 --> 00:27:59,711
where I can
pay immigrants
528
00:27:59,778 --> 00:28:01,713
to clear my brush
for me...
529
00:28:02,947 --> 00:28:04,916
the way God intended.
530
00:28:06,251 --> 00:28:08,019
Here's the other thing
that used to piss me off.
531
00:28:08,086 --> 00:28:10,121
None of the families
would ever come visit us
out here.
532
00:28:10,188 --> 00:28:11,756
I'd be like,
"Hey, Mom,
533
00:28:11,823 --> 00:28:14,959
Dad, Jeb, why don't we have
Thanksgiving at Crawford
this year?"
534
00:28:15,026 --> 00:28:16,661
"Oh, we'd love to, but...
535
00:28:16,728 --> 00:28:19,097
Kennebunkport.
It's a tradition."
536
00:28:19,164 --> 00:28:20,665
"Oh really?
537
00:28:20,732 --> 00:28:23,168
"Well, Maine can
blow me, okay?
538
00:28:24,769 --> 00:28:27,305
"While you guys
are sitting around
opening Christmas presents
539
00:28:27,372 --> 00:28:29,541
"under a beautiful blanket
of New England snowfall,
540
00:28:29,607 --> 00:28:31,409
"I can't even go outside
541
00:28:31,476 --> 00:28:33,578
'cause it's 119 degrees."
542
00:28:37,549 --> 00:28:39,884
One time I did convince
all the families
543
00:28:39,951 --> 00:28:41,820
to come here
at Easter.
544
00:28:41,886 --> 00:28:44,456
I took all the Bush men--
Dad, Jeb,
545
00:28:44,522 --> 00:28:45,957
Neil, Marvin,
546
00:28:46,024 --> 00:28:48,760
on a tour of an old
abandoned mineshaft
547
00:28:48,827 --> 00:28:50,995
I found on the outskirts
of the ranch.
548
00:28:51,062 --> 00:28:52,964
It was fun.
549
00:28:53,031 --> 00:28:55,533
All the Bush guys
reminiscing,
550
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:57,202
clowning around
551
00:28:57,268 --> 00:28:59,471
in an old abandoned mineshaft,
552
00:28:59,537 --> 00:29:01,906
when wouldn't you know it?
It collapsed on us.
553
00:29:01,973 --> 00:29:04,709
We'd be trapped
for three days
554
00:29:04,776 --> 00:29:06,544
and the whole while
my dad's up my ass,
555
00:29:06,611 --> 00:29:08,980
saying things like,
"God damn it, George,
556
00:29:09,047 --> 00:29:11,850
did you test the shaft
to see if it was safe?"
557
00:29:11,916 --> 00:29:14,152
I'm like, "No, of course not.
558
00:29:14,219 --> 00:29:15,887
"It's just an
abandoned mineshaft.
559
00:29:15,954 --> 00:29:17,922
"You just go climb
around in it.
560
00:29:19,757 --> 00:29:21,559
"Besides, I thought
you'd like it
561
00:29:21,626 --> 00:29:22,961
'cause it's historical."
562
00:29:23,027 --> 00:29:25,797
Jeb's like, "Everyone shut up.
We gotta conserve oxygen."
563
00:29:25,864 --> 00:29:28,399
I'm like,
"I don't give a shit.
564
00:29:31,669 --> 00:29:33,204
"God's got a plan for me.
565
00:29:33,271 --> 00:29:35,874
If this is the way I go,
then this is the way I go."
566
00:29:35,940 --> 00:29:38,776
Then my dad's like,
"Gimme a fuckin' break!
567
00:29:42,247 --> 00:29:44,015
Did you tell anyone
where we were going?"
568
00:29:44,082 --> 00:29:45,550
I'm like, "No, I didn't!
569
00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:47,952
I only thought
we'd be gone an hour."
570
00:29:48,019 --> 00:29:50,188
He's like,
"You gotta be kidding me."
571
00:29:50,255 --> 00:29:51,890
All of a sudden Marvin
started screaming,
572
00:29:51,956 --> 00:29:54,092
"I crushed my maid
with a car!"
573
00:29:54,159 --> 00:29:55,493
And then Neil started yelling,
574
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:58,263
"I once had sex with
30 Thai hookers at once!"
575
00:29:58,329 --> 00:30:00,832
Jeb's like, "I'm being serious.
Let's conserve oxygen."
576
00:30:00,899 --> 00:30:03,268
I'm like, "Enough with
the damn oxygen!"
577
00:30:03,334 --> 00:30:05,637
Then my dad's like,
"Why are you the only
one in this family
578
00:30:05,703 --> 00:30:07,605
"that speaks with
a Texas accent?
579
00:30:16,781 --> 00:30:19,250
It makes no sense!"
580
00:30:19,317 --> 00:30:21,653
I'm like, "Do I?
Do I have an accent?
581
00:30:21,719 --> 00:30:24,255
'Cause if I do,
I can't hear it."
582
00:30:25,657 --> 00:30:28,293
And just then as my dad
was about to lunge for my neck,
583
00:30:28,359 --> 00:30:30,795
we heard some rocks moving.
584
00:30:30,862 --> 00:30:33,798
Outside was my mom,
all ripped and muscular,
585
00:30:36,367 --> 00:30:39,637
throwing boulders away
from the opening of
the mineshaft.
586
00:30:39,704 --> 00:30:42,507
She then pulled us out
one by one
587
00:30:42,574 --> 00:30:44,475
and placed us on a cart
588
00:30:44,542 --> 00:30:46,511
and then pulled the cart
589
00:30:48,746 --> 00:30:51,082
like a powerful draft horse.
590
00:30:52,283 --> 00:30:54,052
All the way back home
591
00:30:54,118 --> 00:30:55,820
her deltoids twitching,
592
00:30:55,887 --> 00:30:59,557
her loins covered
in a milky white froth.
593
00:31:06,497 --> 00:31:08,967
It was one of the most gross
and impressive things
594
00:31:09,033 --> 00:31:10,868
I'd ever seen.
595
00:31:12,103 --> 00:31:13,705
I was crying and barfing
596
00:31:13,771 --> 00:31:15,373
all at the same time.
597
00:31:24,816 --> 00:31:26,451
You know what they say?
598
00:31:26,517 --> 00:31:29,053
Whatever doesn't kill you
just makes you stronger.
599
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:30,922
Sometimes, however,
600
00:31:30,989 --> 00:31:32,557
the thing that
almost killed you
601
00:31:32,624 --> 00:31:34,192
probably just
should've killed you.
602
00:31:34,259 --> 00:31:36,394
You know...
603
00:31:36,461 --> 00:31:38,596
you just feel more scared
as a result.
604
00:31:39,998 --> 00:31:42,300
Anyway...
605
00:31:42,367 --> 00:31:45,003
They'll be here
at the Crawford Ranch
in November of 2000
606
00:31:45,069 --> 00:31:46,638
when we wait
for the election returns
607
00:31:46,704 --> 00:31:48,606
of my first
presidential campaign.
608
00:31:48,673 --> 00:31:51,509
I remember that night
was extremely frustrating
609
00:31:51,576 --> 00:31:54,712
partly because the information
kept changing all the time
610
00:31:54,779 --> 00:31:57,081
and partly because there was
literally nothing
611
00:31:57,148 --> 00:31:59,550
to watch on TV.
612
00:31:59,617 --> 00:32:01,786
Except stupid
election coverage.
613
00:32:01,853 --> 00:32:03,154
You know?
614
00:32:03,221 --> 00:32:06,424
Not even a break to watch
"Dog the Bounty Hunter."
615
00:32:06,491 --> 00:32:08,126
Nothing.
616
00:32:08,192 --> 00:32:11,129
There was so much
back and forth,
it made my head spin.
617
00:32:11,195 --> 00:32:13,865
First exit polling
in the liberal news media
618
00:32:13,931 --> 00:32:16,034
was saying that Gore
had won Florida.
619
00:32:16,100 --> 00:32:18,336
Then they said
it went back to undecided.
620
00:32:18,403 --> 00:32:20,004
Then they said
that I had won
621
00:32:20,071 --> 00:32:21,906
and Gore is calling me
to congratulate me.
622
00:32:21,973 --> 00:32:24,042
"Guess what, Al?
I'm gonna celebrate
623
00:32:24,108 --> 00:32:25,410
"by shooting off these M80s
624
00:32:25,476 --> 00:32:27,912
I got on my last trip
to Juarez."
625
00:32:29,013 --> 00:32:30,381
He's like,
"I beg your pardon?"
626
00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:32,116
I'm like, "Nerd,"
and hung up the phone.
627
00:32:38,656 --> 00:32:40,191
Then they said,
"Hold on, hold on.
628
00:32:40,258 --> 00:32:41,693
Don't shoot off the M80s yet,"
629
00:32:41,759 --> 00:32:44,896
which I'd already taped
to a "Hellboy" action figure.
630
00:32:47,332 --> 00:32:49,967
Now it's within 2,000 votes.
I'm like, "Well, hell,
631
00:32:50,034 --> 00:32:51,769
I'm going to bed.
It's 4:00 in the morning."
632
00:32:51,836 --> 00:32:54,105
Then they said,
"Gore's calling again."
633
00:32:54,172 --> 00:32:56,341
I'm like, "What's his deal?"
634
00:32:57,375 --> 00:32:58,743
He said this time
he's calling
635
00:32:58,810 --> 00:33:00,211
to take back
his concession
636
00:33:00,278 --> 00:33:01,579
'cause it's too
close to call.
637
00:33:01,646 --> 00:33:03,047
They're doing
a statewide recall.
638
00:33:03,114 --> 00:33:04,949
I'm like,
"You can't take it back."
639
00:33:05,016 --> 00:33:06,918
He's like, "Yes, I can."
640
00:33:06,984 --> 00:33:08,886
I'm like, "No, you can't."
641
00:33:08,953 --> 00:33:10,621
He's like, "Says who?"
642
00:33:10,688 --> 00:33:12,523
I paused
and I thought real hard.
643
00:33:13,858 --> 00:33:16,427
Then I said, "The Geneva
Convention, that's who,"
644
00:33:16,494 --> 00:33:18,363
and I hung up
the phone again.
645
00:33:19,330 --> 00:33:20,765
Turns out I was wrong.
646
00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:23,368
The Geneva Convention
647
00:33:23,434 --> 00:33:24,669
pertains more to the laws
648
00:33:24,736 --> 00:33:26,871
that will govern the moon
once it's colonized.
649
00:33:26,938 --> 00:33:28,506
But, uh...
650
00:33:30,875 --> 00:33:32,877
it sure felt good
in the moment.
651
00:33:33,878 --> 00:33:34,846
So for one month,
652
00:33:34,912 --> 00:33:36,848
all this BS goes on
back and forth.
653
00:33:36,914 --> 00:33:38,649
Then all of a sudden
it stopped.
654
00:33:38,716 --> 00:33:40,585
(thud)
655
00:33:40,651 --> 00:33:42,887
December 12, 2000.
656
00:33:42,954 --> 00:33:44,589
United States Supreme Court
657
00:33:44,655 --> 00:33:45,890
ruled 7-2
658
00:33:45,957 --> 00:33:47,925
that the Florida
Supreme Court's plan
659
00:33:47,992 --> 00:33:49,927
to recount the ballots
was unconstitutional,
660
00:33:49,994 --> 00:33:52,163
as well as a 5-4 decision
661
00:33:52,230 --> 00:33:53,398
that ended the recount.
662
00:33:53,464 --> 00:33:56,300
and allowed Florida
to certify its vote.
663
00:33:57,402 --> 00:33:58,936
I was...
664
00:33:59,003 --> 00:34:00,671
I was down
in the basement
665
00:34:00,738 --> 00:34:02,774
playing with
baseball cards
666
00:34:04,175 --> 00:34:05,610
when Rove
gave me the news.
667
00:34:05,676 --> 00:34:07,879
He said,
"Excuse me, Mr. President,
668
00:34:07,945 --> 00:34:09,313
but we're going
to Washington."
669
00:34:09,380 --> 00:34:11,783
I paused, wondering
who he was talking to.
670
00:34:13,184 --> 00:34:14,585
Then for a moment,
671
00:34:14,652 --> 00:34:16,654
I contemplated the odds
of President Clinton
672
00:34:16,721 --> 00:34:18,689
somehow sneaking
into my basement...
673
00:34:23,628 --> 00:34:25,630
and hiding behind me.
674
00:34:26,731 --> 00:34:28,132
Slowly I turned around
to make sure
675
00:34:28,199 --> 00:34:30,234
that wasn't who
Rove was talking to.
676
00:34:30,301 --> 00:34:32,170
Then all of a sudden,
it hit home.
677
00:34:32,236 --> 00:34:33,304
He was talking to me.
678
00:34:33,371 --> 00:34:34,705
"You're talking to me,
aren't you?"
679
00:34:34,772 --> 00:34:36,474
"I sure am," Rove said.
680
00:34:36,541 --> 00:34:38,676
"Holy shit.
We're going to Washington."
681
00:34:38,743 --> 00:34:40,211
Rove just smiled
682
00:34:40,278 --> 00:34:43,181
and we exchanged
an awkward white-guy
high five.
683
00:34:45,750 --> 00:34:47,218
This was the big time!
684
00:34:47,285 --> 00:34:50,855
♪ You had to be
a big shot, didn't you? ♪
685
00:34:50,922 --> 00:34:53,458
♪ You had to prove it
to the crowd ♪
686
00:34:53,524 --> 00:34:57,161
♪ You had to be
a big shot, didn't you? ♪
687
00:34:57,228 --> 00:34:59,730
(electronic music playing)
688
00:34:59,797 --> 00:35:01,799
Various voices:
Things are going pretty well.
689
00:35:01,866 --> 00:35:03,634
W-What, what, what?
What, what?
690
00:35:03,701 --> 00:35:06,270
(stammering)
W-W-W-W-- What, what?
691
00:35:06,337 --> 00:35:07,805
In the war on terror,
692
00:35:07,872 --> 00:35:09,340
we will always
seek cooperation
693
00:35:09,407 --> 00:35:11,375
from our allies
around the world.
694
00:35:15,246 --> 00:35:17,782
Enhanced interrogation
techniques.
695
00:35:17,849 --> 00:35:19,317
Yeah.
696
00:35:19,383 --> 00:35:21,252
All right.
697
00:35:22,687 --> 00:35:24,422
Yo. Yo, yo, yo!
Yo, yo!
698
00:35:24,489 --> 00:35:25,790
MC Folke!
699
00:35:27,291 --> 00:35:29,894
M-M-M-MC Folke!
(music fades)
700
00:35:31,596 --> 00:35:33,831
Man:
Ladies and gentlemen,
701
00:35:33,898 --> 00:35:37,001
please rise
for the 43rd president
702
00:35:37,068 --> 00:35:39,637
of the United States
of America,
703
00:35:39,704 --> 00:35:42,373
George W. Bush.
704
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:44,642
("Hail to the Chief" playing)
705
00:35:47,712 --> 00:35:49,413
Thanks for your support.
706
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,516
Tell your dad I say hi.
707
00:35:51,582 --> 00:35:53,284
Too slow.
708
00:35:53,351 --> 00:35:55,820
How's your wife doing?
She good?
709
00:35:55,887 --> 00:35:58,122
Oh my God,
I didn't even see you there.
710
00:35:58,189 --> 00:36:00,124
Did you lose weight?
711
00:36:00,191 --> 00:36:02,126
No?
You need to.
712
00:36:05,329 --> 00:36:07,331
So I got the job, cool.
713
00:36:08,566 --> 00:36:10,735
Didn't expect
to get it in a way,
714
00:36:10,801 --> 00:36:12,436
and if I'm being
totally truthful,
715
00:36:12,503 --> 00:36:13,704
I remember sitting here,
thinking,
716
00:36:13,771 --> 00:36:15,673
"Shit, I actually
have to do this now."
717
00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:23,748
Here's the thing,
718
00:36:23,814 --> 00:36:26,584
no one tells you
when you become president,
719
00:36:26,651 --> 00:36:28,920
you hit the ground running.
720
00:36:28,986 --> 00:36:30,955
And I mean, hauling ass.
721
00:36:31,022 --> 00:36:33,157
Voices:
Mr. President, did you have
a chance to look at the PDP?
722
00:36:33,224 --> 00:36:35,726
Mr. President, you have
a 10:00 with the NSA.
723
00:36:35,793 --> 00:36:37,495
Can you meet
with the Joint Chiefs
at some point?
724
00:36:37,562 --> 00:36:39,363
DOD needs to get you
to sign off on this.
725
00:36:39,430 --> 00:36:41,832
Hi, Mr. President.
Bob Galligan from Halliburton. Hi, Bob.
726
00:36:41,899 --> 00:36:44,035
Ken Lay from Enron is
waiting for you,
Mr. President.
727
00:36:44,101 --> 00:36:46,237
Mr. President,
the CIA is certain
that Freddy Krueger
728
00:36:46,304 --> 00:36:47,838
is a fictional character
and poses no threat.
729
00:36:47,905 --> 00:36:49,574
Dissonant voices:
EPA. NORAD. DOW CHEMICALS.
730
00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:52,143
Health and Human Services. His excellency...
731
00:36:52,209 --> 00:36:53,844
Patriot Act. Diego Luna.
732
00:36:53,911 --> 00:36:55,413
WHO. WTC.
733
00:36:55,479 --> 00:36:57,582
UN Security Council. CIA. FDA.
734
00:36:57,648 --> 00:36:59,383
GEO. IFC. PBS.
735
00:36:59,450 --> 00:37:00,985
No Child Left Behind.
736
00:37:01,052 --> 00:37:02,954
OSHA. INS. NLG. FBI.
737
00:37:03,020 --> 00:37:06,857
(yelling)
738
00:37:08,125 --> 00:37:10,328
You see how annoying
that can be?
739
00:37:11,862 --> 00:37:14,532
Especially when you have
no idea of what you're doing?
740
00:37:24,842 --> 00:37:26,377
But in my defense,
741
00:37:26,444 --> 00:37:27,945
who in their right mind
would have any idea
742
00:37:28,012 --> 00:37:29,981
what the job
of being president entails?
743
00:37:30,047 --> 00:37:32,149
Would you?
744
00:37:32,216 --> 00:37:34,051
Would you?
745
00:37:34,118 --> 00:37:35,886
Heckler: I would! Would you?
Oh, you're full of shit.
746
00:37:35,953 --> 00:37:37,622
You know what, Jerry?
Kick this guy out.
747
00:37:37,688 --> 00:37:39,390
You've been up my--
you son of a bitch!
748
00:37:39,457 --> 00:37:41,459
Screw you, motherfucker!
749
00:37:41,525 --> 00:37:43,060
Hey, fuck you, asshole!
750
00:37:43,127 --> 00:37:46,330
I was the leader
of the free world,
dipshit!
751
00:37:48,132 --> 00:37:49,700
You got to accept that.
752
00:37:49,767 --> 00:37:52,236
I'm a guy you wanted
to have a beer with.
753
00:37:52,303 --> 00:37:54,005
(heckler yelling) You cocksucker!
754
00:37:54,071 --> 00:37:56,240
Fuck you. Hey, fuck you!
755
00:37:56,307 --> 00:37:59,443
Fuck you!
Hey, I want my 401k back!
756
00:37:59,510 --> 00:38:02,580
I want my 401k back.
I lost like 1,000 bucks!
757
00:38:03,981 --> 00:38:06,017
Take him out there
and waterboard him, Jerry!
758
00:38:06,083 --> 00:38:08,019
And don't tell me
it's torture.
759
00:38:08,085 --> 00:38:10,187
I've had it done.
I find it relaxing.
760
00:38:11,822 --> 00:38:13,691
It's a spa treatment
at Bliss!
761
00:38:13,758 --> 00:38:15,159
Look it up.
762
00:38:18,162 --> 00:38:19,897
No shit, sherlock.
763
00:38:20,765 --> 00:38:22,733
This guy right here.
764
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:24,368
I have the launch codes.
765
00:38:24,435 --> 00:38:26,270
This phone.
766
00:38:26,337 --> 00:38:27,705
If it rang,
767
00:38:27,772 --> 00:38:30,207
and believe me, no president
wants it to ring,
768
00:38:30,274 --> 00:38:31,809
I had to pick it up,
769
00:38:31,876 --> 00:38:33,277
make the call,
770
00:38:33,344 --> 00:38:35,212
whether or not it was go time.
771
00:38:35,279 --> 00:38:38,683
7,982 deployed warheads
772
00:38:38,749 --> 00:38:41,252
ready to go
if I said so.
773
00:38:41,318 --> 00:38:43,020
No holds barred.
774
00:38:45,156 --> 00:38:47,191
Let the big dogs hunt.
775
00:38:49,727 --> 00:38:51,595
Take no prisoners.
776
00:38:54,265 --> 00:38:56,267
Every dog has his day.
777
00:38:59,336 --> 00:39:01,472
Our child is an honor student.
778
00:39:06,944 --> 00:39:08,879
If this van's a-rockin',
don't come a-knockin'.
779
00:39:08,946 --> 00:39:10,414
Anyways...
780
00:39:10,481 --> 00:39:12,717
you get the idea.
Luckily, this phone's a prop.
781
00:39:12,783 --> 00:39:15,586
But that's a scenario
782
00:39:15,653 --> 00:39:18,255
no president ever wants
to have to deal with.
783
00:39:18,322 --> 00:39:19,490
Right here?
784
00:39:19,557 --> 00:39:21,459
This is the phone
that I used.
785
00:39:21,525 --> 00:39:23,327
I got every important
world leader
786
00:39:23,394 --> 00:39:25,229
and their secret telephone
numbers on this baby.
787
00:39:25,296 --> 00:39:27,965
Actually, this is
a replacement phone.
788
00:39:28,032 --> 00:39:29,500
I dropped the original one
789
00:39:29,567 --> 00:39:31,669
in a toilet at
the Beijing Olympics, and...
790
00:39:33,404 --> 00:39:35,740
believe me, it was unusable.
791
00:39:39,276 --> 00:39:41,512
I got all the leaders
of the G8 on here.
792
00:39:41,579 --> 00:39:44,148
Stephen Harper
from Canada.
793
00:39:44,215 --> 00:39:46,917
Nicolas Sarkozy.
France.
794
00:39:46,984 --> 00:39:49,286
Angela Merkel.
795
00:39:49,353 --> 00:39:51,622
German chancellor.
796
00:39:51,689 --> 00:39:54,692
She holds all her tension
in her neck.
797
00:39:55,893 --> 00:39:58,362
Silvio Berlusconi.
Italy.
798
00:39:58,429 --> 00:40:00,197
Yeah.
Great guy.
I call him "Shoes"
799
00:40:00,264 --> 00:40:03,868
'cause he wears very fine
expensive Italian leather shoes.
800
00:40:04,869 --> 00:40:07,104
Yasuo Fukuda.
Japan.
801
00:40:09,774 --> 00:40:12,309
First three times I met him,
802
00:40:12,376 --> 00:40:14,478
I thought he was Daisuke
from the Red Sox.
803
00:40:17,581 --> 00:40:19,416
Turns out I was wrong.
804
00:40:19,483 --> 00:40:21,452
These are just coming off
the top of my head.
805
00:40:21,519 --> 00:40:23,454
Dmitry Medvedev.
Russia.
806
00:40:24,421 --> 00:40:26,123
Gordon Brown.
Great Britain.
807
00:40:26,190 --> 00:40:28,392
One of our
staunchest allies.
808
00:40:29,260 --> 00:40:31,395
José Luis Zapatero.
809
00:40:31,462 --> 00:40:33,130
From Spain.
810
00:40:33,197 --> 00:40:35,132
Except they say it
with a lisp.
811
00:40:35,199 --> 00:40:36,734
(lisping)
José Luis Zapatero.
812
00:40:39,370 --> 00:40:41,005
From Barcelona.
813
00:40:41,939 --> 00:40:43,407
"Vicky Cristina Barcelona."
814
00:40:44,909 --> 00:40:46,310
"Let's go get sangria...
815
00:40:47,178 --> 00:40:48,445
"and tapas...
816
00:40:48,512 --> 00:40:50,948
"and go see
'Vicky Cristina Barcelona.'
817
00:40:53,450 --> 00:40:55,286
Oh my God,
this sangria is so delicious."
818
00:40:55,352 --> 00:40:57,087
"I know, I love it.
819
00:40:57,154 --> 00:41:00,024
It keeps you light
on your feet."
820
00:41:00,090 --> 00:41:02,059
"Excuse me,
I was eavesdropping
on your conversation.
821
00:41:02,126 --> 00:41:04,161
Were you talking about
'Vicky Cristina Barcelona'?"
822
00:41:05,729 --> 00:41:06,964
"Yes, we were.
Did you like it?"
823
00:41:07,031 --> 00:41:08,732
"I loved it.
I love Penélope Cruz."
824
00:41:11,068 --> 00:41:13,771
(speaks normally) Can I
be honest with you? I'm addicted
to talking that way.
825
00:41:18,075 --> 00:41:20,277
It's fun.
Yeah.
826
00:41:20,344 --> 00:41:22,646
You'll probably be doing it
on the car ride home.
827
00:41:25,149 --> 00:41:27,017
Maybe not.
I don't know.
828
00:41:27,084 --> 00:41:29,153
I'm not a mind reader.
829
00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:33,490
List goes on and on, man.
830
00:41:33,557 --> 00:41:35,159
You know, I miss my phone.
831
00:41:35,226 --> 00:41:38,062
I miss a lot of things
about being president.
832
00:41:38,128 --> 00:41:40,397
But mostly, I, uh...
833
00:41:40,464 --> 00:41:41,999
I miss the people,
834
00:41:42,066 --> 00:41:44,668
the fine men and women
that I served with.
835
00:41:44,735 --> 00:41:46,537
My Cabinet.
836
00:41:46,604 --> 00:41:48,772
My road dawgs.
837
00:41:48,839 --> 00:41:50,007
My posse.
838
00:41:50,975 --> 00:41:52,476
In some ways,
839
00:41:52,543 --> 00:41:54,378
I thought were
just getting started.
840
00:41:54,445 --> 00:41:56,780
♪ We've only just begun... ♪
(music continuing)
841
00:41:57,915 --> 00:41:59,550
It all began with my VP.
842
00:41:59,617 --> 00:42:01,318
Dick Cheney.
843
00:42:01,385 --> 00:42:04,221
Some say the most
powerful president--
844
00:42:04,288 --> 00:42:06,223
I mean, vice president,
845
00:42:06,290 --> 00:42:08,559
in US history.
846
00:42:08,626 --> 00:42:10,027
A guy so charismatic,
847
00:42:10,094 --> 00:42:12,429
he could shoot a man
in the face with a shotgun...
848
00:42:14,398 --> 00:42:16,934
and have that guy
apologize to him.
849
00:42:23,741 --> 00:42:25,109
Think about that.
850
00:42:25,175 --> 00:42:28,078
That's some real
Clint Eastwood shit
right there, you know?
851
00:42:28,145 --> 00:42:31,081
Yes, one time,
I did walk in on Dick Cheney
852
00:42:31,148 --> 00:42:33,250
down in the basement
of the White House
853
00:42:33,317 --> 00:42:36,220
and he was being fucked
by a giant goat devil...
854
00:42:37,755 --> 00:42:40,925
in a room full of pentagrams.
855
00:42:40,991 --> 00:42:44,995
He looked up at me
with solid silver glowing
orb-like eyes
856
00:42:46,363 --> 00:42:49,600
and his breath had
a strong ammonia
scent to it.
857
00:42:49,667 --> 00:42:52,870
and he told me in a language
that I knew in my heart
858
00:42:52,937 --> 00:42:55,873
had not been spoken
in over a thousand years...
859
00:42:57,041 --> 00:42:59,276
(speaks demonic language)
860
00:43:00,644 --> 00:43:02,813
I just ran.
I just got the hell
out of there.
861
00:43:08,986 --> 00:43:11,255
Other than that,
he's a real stand-up guy.
862
00:43:12,656 --> 00:43:15,092
Rummy!
Oh my God, I love this guy!
863
00:43:15,159 --> 00:43:17,795
Funny?
You don't even know!
864
00:43:20,531 --> 00:43:22,499
I remember
the day after 9/11,
865
00:43:22,566 --> 00:43:25,269
he said, "Let's bomb Iraq
'cause they got all
the good targets."
866
00:43:26,370 --> 00:43:28,005
Isn't that funny?
867
00:43:30,007 --> 00:43:32,209
Secretary of State
Colin Powell.
868
00:43:32,276 --> 00:43:34,545
Tried to tell us
Iraq was a bad idea.
869
00:43:34,611 --> 00:43:38,315
Tried to tell us suspension
of habeas corpus was a bad idea.
870
00:43:38,382 --> 00:43:40,050
Said to me,
871
00:43:40,117 --> 00:43:42,186
"You break it, you own it."
872
00:43:42,252 --> 00:43:44,888
Then he still
went along with us,
God love him.
873
00:43:46,357 --> 00:43:48,192
I don't know
who that guy is.
874
00:43:49,927 --> 00:43:51,562
I don't know who
that guy is.
875
00:43:53,464 --> 00:43:55,699
White House
Chief of Staff Andy Card.
876
00:43:55,766 --> 00:43:56,934
A guy so dedicated,
877
00:43:57,001 --> 00:43:58,335
his wife once asked him,
878
00:43:58,402 --> 00:44:00,637
"Hey, are you married to me,
or George W. Bush?"
879
00:44:00,704 --> 00:44:02,740
I always got
a kick out of that
880
00:44:02,806 --> 00:44:04,875
'cause he was not
married to me,
881
00:44:06,510 --> 00:44:08,645
nor was that
ever even discussed.
882
00:44:10,481 --> 00:44:12,816
Secretary of Treasury
Paul O'Neill.
883
00:44:12,883 --> 00:44:15,819
He called my economic
policies irresponsible.
884
00:44:15,886 --> 00:44:18,589
Said I was unquestioning
and uncurious.
885
00:44:18,655 --> 00:44:20,591
Paul didn't last long.
886
00:44:21,959 --> 00:44:24,061
Attorney General
John Ashcroft.
887
00:44:24,128 --> 00:44:25,796
He lost to a dead guy
888
00:44:25,863 --> 00:44:27,998
in the 2000 Missouri
Senate race.
889
00:44:30,868 --> 00:44:33,404
So we thought,
"He's free. Let's bring him on."
890
00:44:34,405 --> 00:44:36,540
Mi hermano Alberto Gonzales.
891
00:44:36,607 --> 00:44:38,909
(mimicking "Low Rider")
892
00:44:40,644 --> 00:44:42,746
(mimicking hydraulic suspension)
893
00:44:51,955 --> 00:44:54,691
Oh my God,
this guy's so going to jail.
894
00:44:57,594 --> 00:44:59,963
Gale Norton.
Secretary of the Interior.
895
00:45:00,030 --> 00:45:01,799
Mining advocate.
896
00:45:02,866 --> 00:45:05,135
Elaine Chao.
Secretary of Labor.
897
00:45:05,202 --> 00:45:07,004
My little Asian spitfire.
898
00:45:08,539 --> 00:45:11,008
Tommy Thompson.
Secretary of Health
and Human Services.
899
00:45:11,075 --> 00:45:12,609
Great Gin player
900
00:45:12,676 --> 00:45:15,079
and has funny jokes
about Jews.
901
00:45:16,613 --> 00:45:19,083
Wolfy,
the man with the plan!
902
00:45:19,149 --> 00:45:21,585
John Bolton.
Nice mustache!
903
00:45:23,287 --> 00:45:24,455
Richard Perle.
904
00:45:24,521 --> 00:45:27,724
His fondest dream
is to one day
become a woman.
905
00:45:30,894 --> 00:45:32,896
That's my penis.
That shouldn't be in there.
906
00:45:35,532 --> 00:45:37,067
And there he is...
907
00:45:37,134 --> 00:45:38,769
The Architect.
908
00:45:38,836 --> 00:45:40,204
Karl Rove.
909
00:45:40,270 --> 00:45:42,372
Or as I used to call him,
Turd Blossom.
910
00:45:42,439 --> 00:45:44,108
(bell dings)
911
00:45:46,477 --> 00:45:48,245
What can you say
about this guy?
912
00:45:48,312 --> 00:45:50,781
Swiftboat?
Outing CIA agents?
913
00:45:50,848 --> 00:45:52,349
Avoiding subpoenas?
914
00:45:52,416 --> 00:45:54,751
Mark Fuller,
Jack Abramoff,
Jeff Gannon,
915
00:45:54,818 --> 00:45:57,387
rigging elections,
privatization of
Social Security,
916
00:45:57,454 --> 00:45:59,156
you name it.
917
00:45:59,223 --> 00:46:01,058
This guy's a genius.
918
00:46:02,326 --> 00:46:04,027
I miss my Cabinet.
919
00:46:04,094 --> 00:46:05,796
They're a great group of folks,
920
00:46:05,863 --> 00:46:08,031
and I think you could tell
from their pictures
921
00:46:08,098 --> 00:46:10,134
they were just fun
to hang out with.
922
00:46:10,200 --> 00:46:11,768
Especially little Richie Perle.
923
00:46:11,835 --> 00:46:13,370
Can we throw his picture
back up there?
924
00:46:13,437 --> 00:46:15,339
Look at that little cuddle bear.
925
00:46:16,473 --> 00:46:17,908
You tickle him
underneath that jowl,
926
00:46:17,975 --> 00:46:20,110
he'll laugh like a hyena
for an hour.
927
00:46:21,912 --> 00:46:24,081
I just wanted to put him
in a big man-sized diaper
928
00:46:24,148 --> 00:46:26,250
and carry him around
in a BabyBjorn...
929
00:46:27,985 --> 00:46:30,587
and feed him Cheerios
and tickle his jowl.
930
00:46:31,788 --> 00:46:33,223
"Come on, Richie.
931
00:46:33,290 --> 00:46:35,092
"Let's get you down
for your nap.
932
00:46:35,159 --> 00:46:37,694
"Oh, you want
more Cheerios?
Here you go.
933
00:46:37,761 --> 00:46:39,963
"Tickle, tickle, tickle.
934
00:46:41,064 --> 00:46:43,433
Bye, Richie.
Bye."
935
00:46:46,236 --> 00:46:48,639
You know,
there's one gal, I, uh...
936
00:46:48,705 --> 00:46:49,873
I left off the list,
937
00:46:49,940 --> 00:46:52,042
'cause it's still
too painful to bring up.
938
00:46:53,343 --> 00:46:55,746
I thought I'd be
over her by now, but I'm not.
939
00:46:55,812 --> 00:46:59,683
We used to sit around
and talk about our hopes
and our dreams.
940
00:46:59,750 --> 00:47:02,586
She's the only one I'd stay up
past 10:00 at night to talk to.
941
00:47:03,720 --> 00:47:05,689
Don't get me wrong.
I love my wife,
942
00:47:06,590 --> 00:47:08,692
but this one was special.
943
00:47:08,759 --> 00:47:11,428
What we had
was something animal.
944
00:47:12,696 --> 00:47:13,931
Something crazy.
945
00:47:15,132 --> 00:47:16,733
Something raw.
946
00:47:16,800 --> 00:47:18,769
("I Keep Forgettin'" playing)
947
00:47:36,753 --> 00:47:41,091
♪ I keep forgettin'
we're not in love any more ♪
948
00:47:42,659 --> 00:47:47,397
♪ I keep forgettin'
things will never be
the same again ♪
949
00:47:47,464 --> 00:47:51,401
♪ I keep forgettin'
how you made that so clear ♪
950
00:47:51,468 --> 00:47:54,638
♪ I keep forgettin' it all ♪
951
00:47:54,705 --> 00:47:58,342
♪ Every time I hear ♪
952
00:47:58,408 --> 00:48:02,980
♪ How you never
want to live a lie ♪
953
00:48:05,249 --> 00:48:07,985
♪ How it's gone too far ♪
954
00:48:09,319 --> 00:48:13,190
♪ And you don't have
to tell me why ♪
955
00:48:15,926 --> 00:48:17,761
♪ Why you're gone ♪
956
00:48:17,828 --> 00:48:20,597
♪ And why the game
is through ♪
957
00:48:20,664 --> 00:48:23,066
♪ If this is what's real ♪
958
00:48:23,133 --> 00:48:25,802
♪ If this is what's true ♪
959
00:48:25,869 --> 00:48:27,904
♪ Tell me how come ♪
960
00:48:27,971 --> 00:48:31,141
Backup:
♪ I keep forgettin'
we're not in love any more ♪
961
00:48:31,208 --> 00:48:33,210
♪ Baby ♪
962
00:48:33,277 --> 00:48:37,714
♪ I keep forgettin'
things will never be
the same again ♪
963
00:48:37,781 --> 00:48:41,652
♪ I keep forgettin'
how you made that so clear ♪
964
00:48:41,718 --> 00:48:45,455
♪ Yeah, yeah, baby ♪
965
00:48:47,924 --> 00:48:53,597
♪ Don't say that,
don't say that,
don't say that ♪
966
00:48:54,798 --> 00:48:59,670
♪ I know you're not mine
anymore ♪
967
00:48:59,736 --> 00:49:02,472
♪ Anyway, anytime ♪
968
00:49:02,539 --> 00:49:05,409
♪ Tell me how come ♪
969
00:49:05,475 --> 00:49:08,111
♪ I keep forgettin'
we're not in love anymore ♪
970
00:49:08,178 --> 00:49:10,113
♪ How come? ♪
971
00:49:10,180 --> 00:49:14,818
♪ I keep forgettin'
things will never be
the same again ♪
972
00:49:14,885 --> 00:49:19,222
♪ I keep forgettin'
how you made that so clear ♪
973
00:49:19,289 --> 00:49:22,626
♪ I keep forgetting... ♪
974
00:49:28,031 --> 00:49:31,001
(music fades)
975
00:49:46,183 --> 00:49:47,851
Condi was my rock.
976
00:49:49,419 --> 00:49:51,621
I miss her dearly.
977
00:49:51,688 --> 00:49:54,024
My little San Francisco treat.
978
00:49:56,360 --> 00:49:58,128
My little Rice-a-roni.
979
00:49:59,896 --> 00:50:01,598
Mmn.
980
00:50:03,100 --> 00:50:05,602
You know, one of my legacies
as president I'm most proud of
981
00:50:05,669 --> 00:50:08,038
is my great love of reading.
982
00:50:11,508 --> 00:50:14,678
There's a pretty good chance
I'm probably gonna be known as
the Reading President
983
00:50:14,745 --> 00:50:17,114
or the Great Reader.
984
00:50:18,382 --> 00:50:19,983
I think I've shown
over the last eight years
985
00:50:20,050 --> 00:50:22,152
I love reading
many different things,
986
00:50:22,219 --> 00:50:23,920
from Camus
987
00:50:23,987 --> 00:50:25,756
to Danielle Steele,
988
00:50:25,822 --> 00:50:29,025
to a book I've read
no less than 200 times--
989
00:50:29,092 --> 00:50:30,927
"He's Just Not
That Into You."
990
00:50:33,096 --> 00:50:35,632
That really helped me
with my relationship
with Putin.
991
00:50:38,468 --> 00:50:41,104
Right here is probably
the book I'll be most known for.
992
00:50:41,171 --> 00:50:44,908
Within it is the story
of "The Pet Goat."
993
00:50:44,975 --> 00:50:49,246
"The Pet Goat" is the story
of a girl's pet goat that eats
everything in its path.
994
00:50:49,312 --> 00:50:50,981
The girl's parents want
to give the goat away,
995
00:50:51,047 --> 00:50:53,083
but she defends it.
996
00:50:53,150 --> 00:50:55,485
Ultimately, the goat
becomes a hero
997
00:50:55,552 --> 00:50:58,255
when it butts a car robber
into submission.
998
00:50:59,790 --> 00:51:02,225
A mere eight months
into my presidency
on September 11th,
999
00:51:02,292 --> 00:51:04,027
I'm interrupted
from reading
1000
00:51:04,094 --> 00:51:06,029
one of the more
fascinating stories
1001
00:51:06,096 --> 00:51:07,798
I've ever come across
1002
00:51:09,232 --> 00:51:12,736
with news that the world
as we know it has gone cuckoo.
1003
00:51:13,603 --> 00:51:15,272
So stunned was I
1004
00:51:15,338 --> 00:51:17,407
by the news of the day's events,
1005
00:51:17,474 --> 00:51:19,142
combined with the power
of the narrative
1006
00:51:19,209 --> 00:51:21,044
found in "The Pet Goat"
1007
00:51:21,111 --> 00:51:22,779
that I just sat there
1008
00:51:22,846 --> 00:51:24,614
in silence
1009
00:51:24,681 --> 00:51:26,116
for over seven minutes.
1010
00:51:26,183 --> 00:51:28,018
(seconds ticking)
1011
00:51:42,532 --> 00:51:44,501
♪ The way you shake it ♪
1012
00:51:44,568 --> 00:51:45,969
♪ I can't believe it ♪
1013
00:51:46,036 --> 00:51:48,338
♪ I ain't never seen an
ass like that ♪
1014
00:51:48,405 --> 00:51:50,240
♪ The way you move it ♪
1015
00:51:50,307 --> 00:51:51,842
♪ You make my peepee go ♪
1016
00:51:51,908 --> 00:51:53,376
♪ Da-doing-doing-doing ♪
1017
00:51:53,443 --> 00:51:55,612
♪ I don't believe it ♪
1018
00:51:55,679 --> 00:51:57,380
♪ It's almost too good
to be true ♪
1019
00:51:57,447 --> 00:51:59,850
♪ I ain't never seen
an ass like that ♪
1020
00:51:59,916 --> 00:52:01,685
♪ The way you move it ♪
1021
00:52:01,751 --> 00:52:03,220
♪ You make my peepee go ♪
1022
00:52:03,286 --> 00:52:04,621
♪ Da-doing-doing-doing ♪
1023
00:52:04,688 --> 00:52:07,791
♪ The way she moves,
she's like a belly dancer ♪
1024
00:52:07,858 --> 00:52:10,427
♪ Shaking that ass
to the new Nelly jams ♪
1025
00:52:10,494 --> 00:52:13,196
♪ I think someone's
at the door, but I don't
think I'ma answer ♪
1026
00:52:13,263 --> 00:52:14,798
♪ Police saying, "Freeze!" ♪ ♪ Oh! ♪
1027
00:52:14,865 --> 00:52:16,466
♪ Da-doing-doing-doing ♪
1028
00:52:16,533 --> 00:52:20,103
♪ What do you mean "freeze"?
Please, I'm a human being
I have needs ♪
1029
00:52:20,170 --> 00:52:22,672
♪ I'm not done, not till
I've finished peeing ♪
1030
00:52:22,739 --> 00:52:26,076
♪ I am not resisting arrest,
I am agreeing, Mr. Officer ♪
1031
00:52:26,142 --> 00:52:30,146
♪ I'm already on my knees,
I can't get on the ground ♪
(music fades)
1032
00:52:38,288 --> 00:52:41,024
This is by far
one of my favorite
pieces of clothing.
1033
00:52:43,226 --> 00:52:45,195
I'll never forget the look
on Tony Blair's face
1034
00:52:45,262 --> 00:52:47,497
when I met him
for the first time
at Camp David.
1035
00:52:47,564 --> 00:52:49,599
I walked into the room
1036
00:52:49,666 --> 00:52:51,801
wearing this kickass
1037
00:52:51,868 --> 00:52:54,471
custom made
leather bomber's jacket.
1038
00:52:55,639 --> 00:52:57,908
He was wearing
some dumb sweater.
1039
00:53:02,979 --> 00:53:05,448
I just looked at him.
I said, "How do you
like me now?"
1040
00:53:07,083 --> 00:53:08,218
He said,
"I beg your pardon?"
1041
00:53:08,285 --> 00:53:10,153
You know,
all Britishy and shit.
1042
00:53:11,788 --> 00:53:13,957
We just stood there
looking at each other.
1043
00:53:14,024 --> 00:53:15,592
In silence.
1044
00:53:15,659 --> 00:53:17,527
For a long time,
I might add.
1045
00:53:17,594 --> 00:53:19,262
I can remember thinking,
1046
00:53:19,329 --> 00:53:21,398
"I'm not talking first.
1047
00:53:21,464 --> 00:53:23,533
"He's gonna have to talk first.
1048
00:53:24,434 --> 00:53:26,169
"This is my house.
1049
00:53:26,236 --> 00:53:27,971
This is my Camp David."
1050
00:53:28,038 --> 00:53:30,073
Finally, he said,
"Well, Mr. President,
1051
00:53:30,140 --> 00:53:31,608
it is an honor
to be your guest,"
1052
00:53:31,675 --> 00:53:33,510
and I just yelled,
"I win."
1053
00:53:38,949 --> 00:53:41,151
I remember the first time
I sat down with Tony Blair
1054
00:53:41,217 --> 00:53:43,086
to discuss what
we had in common
1055
00:53:43,153 --> 00:53:44,854
and it was awkward at first.
1056
00:53:44,921 --> 00:53:47,624
Then I thought
I'd break the ice
by saying,
1057
00:53:47,691 --> 00:53:50,093
"At least we both
speak English."
1058
00:53:50,160 --> 00:53:51,995
And...
1059
00:53:54,764 --> 00:53:56,266
and Tony laughed.
1060
00:53:56,333 --> 00:53:58,368
But I laughed
much harder.
1061
00:53:59,469 --> 00:54:01,104
That was
the turning point.
1062
00:54:01,171 --> 00:54:02,639
That was the ice breaker
where I thought,
1063
00:54:02,706 --> 00:54:04,874
"Hey, I can trust
this turkey.
1064
00:54:04,941 --> 00:54:06,643
He's my amigo."
1065
00:54:06,710 --> 00:54:09,579
Believe me, I quickly found out
I would need his counsel.
1066
00:54:09,646 --> 00:54:12,015
As you all know,
the events of 9/11
1067
00:54:12,082 --> 00:54:14,384
would throw the nation
into a tizzy.
1068
00:54:14,451 --> 00:54:16,786
As I sat alone
with my thoughts
1069
00:54:16,853 --> 00:54:18,588
in my private chambers,
1070
00:54:18,655 --> 00:54:20,724
much like the Batman,
1071
00:54:21,658 --> 00:54:23,126
I can
remember thinking
1072
00:54:23,193 --> 00:54:24,761
that the nation
needed a leader
1073
00:54:24,828 --> 00:54:27,797
who could make
important decisions
and make them quickly.
1074
00:54:27,864 --> 00:54:30,133
It was then
that I became...
1075
00:54:30,200 --> 00:54:31,635
The Decider.
1076
00:54:31,701 --> 00:54:33,570
(thunder booms)
1077
00:54:35,639 --> 00:54:38,108
I pictured myself
as a super advanced robot
1078
00:54:38,174 --> 00:54:40,644
named Decision-Maker 2230k.
1079
00:54:42,345 --> 00:54:44,681
Yes, for one-half of
an entire Cabinet meeting,
1080
00:54:44,748 --> 00:54:47,317
I did speak
with a robot voice.
1081
00:54:49,152 --> 00:54:50,820
(robotic voice)
Good afternoon.
1082
00:54:50,887 --> 00:54:53,423
I am Decision Maker 2230k.
1083
00:54:53,490 --> 00:54:55,558
Do not fear me.
1084
00:54:55,625 --> 00:54:57,727
(mimics beeping)
1085
00:54:58,862 --> 00:55:01,898
I make decisions
with great alacrity.
1086
00:55:01,965 --> 00:55:04,734
Also, I have lasers
that shoot out of my eyeballs.
1087
00:55:05,835 --> 00:55:08,705
My stomach is
a microwave oven.
1088
00:55:08,772 --> 00:55:11,341
Right now, I'm cooking up
some Jeno's Pizza Rolls.
1089
00:55:12,442 --> 00:55:14,244
Oh my God,
they smell delicious.
1090
00:55:15,445 --> 00:55:17,347
(normal voice)
Then everything went dark.
1091
00:55:18,548 --> 00:55:20,483
I awoke on the floor
of the Cabinet Room
1092
00:55:20,550 --> 00:55:23,453
with an ice pack
taped to my head.
1093
00:55:23,520 --> 00:55:26,856
Turns out Cheney had shot me
with a tranquilizer gun.
1094
00:55:34,197 --> 00:55:37,033
I would be unconscious
for three-and-a-half hours,
1095
00:55:37,100 --> 00:55:38,935
but when I came to,
1096
00:55:39,002 --> 00:55:41,905
I was informed that we had
a very productive meeting.
1097
00:55:44,507 --> 00:55:47,210
We had gleaned
from exhaustive intelligence,
1098
00:55:47,277 --> 00:55:50,380
massive man hours on the ground
and in the skies above
1099
00:55:50,447 --> 00:55:53,483
that Al-Qaeda was the source
of these 9/11 attacks.
1100
00:55:53,550 --> 00:55:55,652
We also gained knowledge
1101
00:55:55,719 --> 00:55:57,253
from the previous
administration's
1102
00:55:57,320 --> 00:55:59,222
counter-terrorism expert,
1103
00:55:59,289 --> 00:56:00,890
Richard Clarke,
1104
00:56:00,957 --> 00:56:02,859
who had told us
point-blank
1105
00:56:02,926 --> 00:56:04,427
a month before it happened
1106
00:56:04,494 --> 00:56:06,162
that it would probably happen,
1107
00:56:06,229 --> 00:56:09,065
and that Al-Qaeda would do it.
So that was helpful too.
1108
00:56:10,433 --> 00:56:12,068
Then we started
looking for evidence
1109
00:56:12,135 --> 00:56:13,870
linking Al-Qaeda to Iraq,
1110
00:56:13,937 --> 00:56:15,572
and we kept looking
1111
00:56:15,638 --> 00:56:17,073
and looking,
1112
00:56:17,140 --> 00:56:18,341
and looking,
1113
00:56:18,408 --> 00:56:19,876
and looking.
1114
00:56:19,943 --> 00:56:22,846
The CIA looked back
10 years in their records
and found nothing.
1115
00:56:23,780 --> 00:56:24,981
Cheney thought he'd help out
1116
00:56:25,048 --> 00:56:26,916
by setting up his own
intelligence agency
1117
00:56:26,983 --> 00:56:29,219
in a broom closet
at the Pentagon.
1118
00:56:30,120 --> 00:56:32,222
Then bingo, we found it.
1119
00:56:33,223 --> 00:56:35,492
Evidence from one witness
1120
00:56:35,558 --> 00:56:37,794
no one had ever heard of before
1121
00:56:37,861 --> 00:56:39,529
without any other backup
1122
00:56:39,596 --> 00:56:42,599
that Iraq was trying to get
yellow-cake uranium
1123
00:56:42,665 --> 00:56:45,902
through the country of--
and I always have trouble
with this pronunciation--
1124
00:56:47,437 --> 00:56:49,038
Ni-- "Ni-gard."
1125
00:56:49,105 --> 00:56:50,039
"Ni-jer."
1126
00:56:50,106 --> 00:56:52,008
"Ni-jere."
"Ni-jere."
1127
00:56:52,075 --> 00:56:54,110
Whoo!
1128
00:56:55,645 --> 00:56:57,380
I tell you right now,
you mispronounce that one,
1129
00:56:57,447 --> 00:56:58,848
you find yourself
in a world of trouble.
1130
00:56:58,915 --> 00:57:01,084
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
1131
00:57:03,920 --> 00:57:06,156
You do not want
to be that guy, trust me.
1132
00:57:09,859 --> 00:57:11,227
So...
1133
00:57:11,294 --> 00:57:13,696
I mean, you don't.
I'm not just saying that.
1134
00:57:14,998 --> 00:57:16,199
Yeah.
1135
00:57:16,266 --> 00:57:18,134
I'm giving you advice
right now.
1136
00:57:19,969 --> 00:57:21,404
So when I first
heard "yellow cake,"
1137
00:57:21,471 --> 00:57:23,606
I was like, "Yum! Whose
birthday is it?"
1138
00:57:29,913 --> 00:57:31,881
Then everybody switched
to their serious voices
1139
00:57:31,948 --> 00:57:34,884
and started yelling,
"Yellow-cake uranium, damn it!
1140
00:57:34,951 --> 00:57:36,286
"Please listen!
1141
00:57:36,352 --> 00:57:37,887
"For once, just listen.
1142
00:57:37,954 --> 00:57:40,557
"That's all you have to do,
is sit there and listen!
1143
00:57:40,623 --> 00:57:42,325
"We do all the work!
1144
00:57:42,392 --> 00:57:44,994
"You don't have to do anything
but sit there and listen.
1145
00:57:45,061 --> 00:57:46,796
That's all you have to do."
1146
00:57:54,537 --> 00:57:56,706
Which, by that point,
I'd stopped listening again.
1147
00:57:58,575 --> 00:58:01,444
'Cause I had a mean game
of Brick Breaker going
on my Treo.
1148
00:58:04,981 --> 00:58:06,449
So...
1149
00:58:06,516 --> 00:58:07,951
just to refresh...
1150
00:58:08,885 --> 00:58:10,086
just to refresh...
1151
00:58:10,153 --> 00:58:11,855
yellow-cake uranium
goes through "Nigger"
1152
00:58:11,921 --> 00:58:14,824
to Iraq,
and here's the best part--
1153
00:58:14,891 --> 00:58:16,726
here's the best part.
1154
00:58:17,660 --> 00:58:19,262
Hold on, here's the best part.
1155
00:58:20,663 --> 00:58:22,765
Here's how we get the story out
to the American public.
1156
00:58:22,832 --> 00:58:25,602
A quote-unquote
anonymous White House source,
1157
00:58:25,668 --> 00:58:26,803
basically us,
1158
00:58:26,870 --> 00:58:28,872
Cheney, Rummy, Condi, whoever.
1159
00:58:28,938 --> 00:58:30,673
We speak to all
the major media outlets,
1160
00:58:30,740 --> 00:58:32,876
like "The New York
Suck-My-Dick Times."
1161
00:58:34,878 --> 00:58:37,413
Then Judy Miller and J-bomb
would write up the story
1162
00:58:37,480 --> 00:58:39,382
and the same people
who planted the story
1163
00:58:39,449 --> 00:58:40,917
Cheney, Rummy, Condi, etcetera,
1164
00:58:40,984 --> 00:58:43,353
would go on all the news shows
like "Meet the Press,"
1165
00:58:43,419 --> 00:58:45,054
"This Week in Washington,"
1166
00:58:45,121 --> 00:58:46,222
"The View,"
1167
00:58:46,289 --> 00:58:48,625
and hold up the story
that they planted
1168
00:58:48,691 --> 00:58:51,394
and say, "Wow,
look what 'The Times' says."
1169
00:58:51,461 --> 00:58:53,162
Pretty good plan, huh?
1170
00:58:53,229 --> 00:58:54,731
Yeah.
1171
00:58:54,797 --> 00:58:56,532
Slowly,
our case was made.
1172
00:58:56,599 --> 00:58:58,668
Except there was
one last hitch.
1173
00:58:58,735 --> 00:59:00,470
Most of the world...
1174
00:59:00,536 --> 00:59:02,071
thought we were crazy.
1175
00:59:02,138 --> 00:59:04,173
Especially France.
1176
00:59:04,240 --> 00:59:07,277
You know what?
Who gives a shit
about France?
1177
00:59:08,912 --> 00:59:10,446
Right?
1178
00:59:13,349 --> 00:59:16,152
France is a bunch of pussies
and dick-grabbers.
1179
00:59:22,792 --> 00:59:24,060
What's so great
about France?
1180
00:59:24,127 --> 00:59:26,362
How many people
have ever even been
to France?
1181
00:59:26,429 --> 00:59:28,865
(loud cheering)
1182
00:59:30,667 --> 00:59:32,235
See?
No one.
1183
00:59:34,304 --> 00:59:37,040
If you recall, we played
some real diplomatic hardball
1184
00:59:37,106 --> 00:59:38,942
with the French.
This is what we did.
1185
00:59:39,008 --> 00:59:41,477
In the cafeteria at Congress...
1186
00:59:43,379 --> 00:59:45,949
we renamed French Fries
1187
00:59:46,015 --> 00:59:47,483
"Freedom Fries."
1188
00:59:47,550 --> 00:59:49,218
Oh, burn!
1189
00:59:49,285 --> 00:59:52,088
(imitates machine gun fire)
1190
00:59:53,022 --> 00:59:54,157
(imitates explosion)
1191
00:59:57,760 --> 01:00:00,663
When I heard that, I thought
it was one of the coolest
things I'd ever heard.
1192
01:00:02,398 --> 01:00:04,934
I tried to get French
kissing renamed
1193
01:00:05,001 --> 01:00:08,137
to We-Saved-Your-Asses-
in-World-War-II kissing.
1194
01:00:12,642 --> 01:00:14,310
It didn't catch on.
1195
01:00:15,745 --> 01:00:17,280
You know what's funny?
1196
01:00:17,347 --> 01:00:19,182
Turns out
none of it mattered.
1197
01:00:19,248 --> 01:00:21,718
Despite concerns
of our NATO allies,
1198
01:00:21,784 --> 01:00:23,953
despite anti-war protests
1199
01:00:24,020 --> 01:00:25,922
in every major city
in America
1200
01:00:25,989 --> 01:00:28,558
including one million people
here in New York,
1201
01:00:28,624 --> 01:00:31,160
on March 20th, 2003,
1202
01:00:31,227 --> 01:00:33,696
Operation Iraqi Freedom
was launched.
1203
01:00:33,763 --> 01:00:35,631
By April 9th,
1204
01:00:35,698 --> 01:00:37,400
it was done.
1205
01:00:37,467 --> 01:00:40,136
People tore down a massive
statue of Saddam Hussein
1206
01:00:40,203 --> 01:00:42,372
ending his 24-year rule
of that country.
1207
01:00:42,438 --> 01:00:44,474
People were dancing
in the streets.
1208
01:00:44,540 --> 01:00:46,709
We were dancing
in the Oval Office.
1209
01:00:46,776 --> 01:00:49,512
I was King Shit
of Turd Mountain.
1210
01:00:49,579 --> 01:00:53,216
♪ It's my life ♪
1211
01:00:53,282 --> 01:00:55,451
♪ It's now or never ♪
1212
01:00:55,518 --> 01:00:59,622
♪ I ain't gonna
live forever ♪
1213
01:00:59,689 --> 01:01:02,325
(electronic music playing)
1214
01:01:25,048 --> 01:01:26,883
♪ Don't be fronting
with the bass phenomenon ♪
1215
01:01:26,949 --> 01:01:28,785
♪ Don't be fronting
with the bass phenomenon ♪
1216
01:01:28,851 --> 01:01:30,386
♪ Don't be fronting
with the bass phenomenon ♪
1217
01:01:30,453 --> 01:01:32,555
♪ Bass phenomenon,
bass phenomenon ♪
1218
01:01:32,622 --> 01:01:38,861
(scatting)
1219
01:01:43,433 --> 01:01:45,234
♪ Don't be fronting
with the bass phenomenon ♪
1220
01:01:45,301 --> 01:01:46,969
♪ Bass phenomenon ♪
1221
01:01:48,204 --> 01:01:49,672
♪ Bass phenomenon ♪
1222
01:01:49,739 --> 01:01:51,841
♪ Bass phenomenon ♪
1223
01:01:51,908 --> 01:01:54,644
♪ Bass phenomenon,
bass phenomenon,
bass phenomenon ♪
1224
01:01:54,710 --> 01:01:56,612
♪ Don't be fronting
with the bass phenomenon ♪
1225
01:01:56,679 --> 01:01:58,347
♪ Don't be fronting
with the bass phenomenon ♪
1226
01:01:58,414 --> 01:02:00,249
♪ Don't be fronting
with the bass phenomenon ♪
1227
01:02:00,316 --> 01:02:01,851
♪ Bass phenomenon,
bass phenomenon ♪
1228
01:02:01,918 --> 01:02:03,419
♪ Don't be fronting with
the bass phenom-- ♪
1229
01:02:03,486 --> 01:02:05,688
(music stops)
1230
01:02:08,524 --> 01:02:10,726
(jet engines screaming)
1231
01:02:17,500 --> 01:02:19,602
Remember this outfit?
1232
01:02:20,570 --> 01:02:21,938
Remember this moment?
1233
01:02:22,004 --> 01:02:24,273
Landing on a carrier
in a jet fighter plane?
1234
01:02:24,340 --> 01:02:26,142
"Highway to the Danger Zone"
1235
01:02:26,209 --> 01:02:28,111
playing in my helmet.
1236
01:02:32,548 --> 01:02:35,852
Setting foot on the deck
of the USS Abraham Lincoln
1237
01:02:35,918 --> 01:02:38,754
to announce that major
combat operations in Iraq
1238
01:02:38,821 --> 01:02:40,389
were over.
1239
01:02:40,456 --> 01:02:41,858
It truly was...
1240
01:02:41,924 --> 01:02:43,893
"mission accomplished."
1241
01:02:44,927 --> 01:02:46,329
Even though...
1242
01:02:48,064 --> 01:02:49,632
Ow.
1243
01:02:59,742 --> 01:03:01,310
Even though...
1244
01:03:01,377 --> 01:03:03,880
98.3% of all casualties
1245
01:03:03,946 --> 01:03:05,248
including civilians
1246
01:03:05,314 --> 01:03:07,250
have occurred after
that speech was made.
1247
01:03:07,316 --> 01:03:09,819
Those in the media
criticized it
1248
01:03:09,886 --> 01:03:12,221
as a theatrical
and expensive stunt.
1249
01:03:12,288 --> 01:03:14,690
We tried to explain
how I had to fly on a jet
1250
01:03:14,757 --> 01:03:18,027
'cause the carrier
was too far away
for a helicopter to fly.
1251
01:03:19,262 --> 01:03:20,563
Then somebody pointed out
that the carrier
1252
01:03:20,630 --> 01:03:23,533
was only 30 miles
off the coast of San Diego.
1253
01:03:24,901 --> 01:03:27,336
We said, "Oh, that's
much closer than we thought."
1254
01:03:29,739 --> 01:03:31,607
So that day
1255
01:03:31,674 --> 01:03:32,909
and this banner
1256
01:03:32,975 --> 01:03:34,343
became a symbol
to a lot of people
1257
01:03:34,410 --> 01:03:36,445
that we were out of touch
with the war
1258
01:03:36,512 --> 01:03:38,514
and what was going on
in Iraq...
1259
01:03:39,549 --> 01:03:41,417
and I respectfully disagree.
1260
01:03:41,484 --> 01:03:43,786
I mean, sure some things
didn't go as planned,
1261
01:03:43,853 --> 01:03:47,156
like the absence of a plan
for anything
1262
01:03:48,224 --> 01:03:50,726
once we were
inside the country.
1263
01:03:50,793 --> 01:03:52,728
Oops.
1264
01:03:52,795 --> 01:03:55,097
We also didn't know
that the guy we'd place
in power over there,
1265
01:03:55,164 --> 01:03:56,799
"Achmed" Chalibi,
1266
01:03:56,866 --> 01:03:59,335
would turn out to be
a total douchebag.
1267
01:04:03,606 --> 01:04:05,541
Maybe Paul Bremer's
disbanding the army
1268
01:04:05,608 --> 01:04:07,743
and all law enforcement
was a bad idea.
1269
01:04:08,811 --> 01:04:10,846
Maybe only having
162,000 troops
1270
01:04:10,913 --> 01:04:14,650
when our generals
said we needed 400,000
was a bad idea.
1271
01:04:15,585 --> 01:04:16,752
I do know this.
1272
01:04:16,819 --> 01:04:20,156
Removing Saddam Hussein
from power
1273
01:04:20,223 --> 01:04:22,892
was the right decision
early in my presidency,
1274
01:04:23,893 --> 01:04:26,062
it is the right
decision now,
1275
01:04:27,163 --> 01:04:29,632
and it will be
the right decision ever.
1276
01:04:29,699 --> 01:04:31,367
(bell dings)
1277
01:04:43,879 --> 01:04:46,115
We were also able
to unite the world
1278
01:04:46,182 --> 01:04:49,352
in an outstanding
coalition of the willing.
1279
01:04:49,418 --> 01:04:52,455
Great nations with
rich military traditions
1280
01:04:52,521 --> 01:04:54,423
like Poland...
1281
01:04:56,192 --> 01:04:57,693
Honduras...
1282
01:04:58,794 --> 01:05:00,463
El Salvador...
1283
01:05:00,529 --> 01:05:02,164
Denmark...
1284
01:05:03,099 --> 01:05:05,034
and "Azar Bazhan."
1285
01:05:06,135 --> 01:05:07,503
Brave, brave countries
1286
01:05:07,570 --> 01:05:08,938
like Palau,
1287
01:05:09,005 --> 01:05:10,539
Costa Rica,
1288
01:05:10,606 --> 01:05:12,108
and the Solomon Islands,
1289
01:05:12,174 --> 01:05:14,410
who joined the coalition
without any regard
1290
01:05:14,477 --> 01:05:16,646
for the fact that they
don't even have an army.
1291
01:05:21,284 --> 01:05:23,519
That alone put a lump
in my throat.
1292
01:05:24,654 --> 01:05:26,355
Then of course,
there was Morocco
1293
01:05:26,422 --> 01:05:29,325
who pledged to send
2,000 trained monkeys
1294
01:05:31,093 --> 01:05:33,062
to detonate land mines
1295
01:05:33,129 --> 01:05:35,564
and perform
at children's parties.
1296
01:05:39,335 --> 01:05:42,538
Then there seemed to be
questions whether or not
Morocco had the monkeys,
1297
01:05:42,605 --> 01:05:46,342
and I said, "Regardless of
whether they have them or not,
1298
01:05:46,409 --> 01:05:49,111
that sounds cool as shit
and I want that."
1299
01:05:53,683 --> 01:05:55,451
A special unit
1300
01:05:55,518 --> 01:05:57,520
of 2,000 trained monkeys
1301
01:05:58,721 --> 01:06:00,723
that we could send
anywhere in the world
1302
01:06:00,790 --> 01:06:02,792
to fight evil
1303
01:06:02,858 --> 01:06:04,927
and make children laugh?
1304
01:06:06,195 --> 01:06:07,430
Duh!
1305
01:06:08,964 --> 01:06:12,001
Despite vigorous protests
from my Cabinet,
1306
01:06:12,068 --> 01:06:15,438
I put into motion Operation
Primate Speargun.
1307
01:06:18,207 --> 01:06:19,642
For one year,
1308
01:06:19,709 --> 01:06:22,478
a special unit
of 2,000 wild monkeys
1309
01:06:22,545 --> 01:06:25,481
trained side by side
with the 82nd Airborne
1310
01:06:25,548 --> 01:06:27,149
down at Fort Bragg
1311
01:06:27,216 --> 01:06:28,851
in total secrecy.
1312
01:06:28,918 --> 01:06:31,887
In order to ensure
a maximum covert operation,
1313
01:06:31,954 --> 01:06:34,557
most of the training
was done at night.
1314
01:06:34,623 --> 01:06:36,425
I was heavily invested
in the unit.
1315
01:06:36,492 --> 01:06:38,894
I'd often fly down
to participate
1316
01:06:38,961 --> 01:06:40,896
in field exercises.
1317
01:06:40,963 --> 01:06:43,132
One of the things I noticed
during the exercises
1318
01:06:43,199 --> 01:06:47,403
was that many of the monkeys
would just simply run off
into the woods...
1319
01:06:56,645 --> 01:06:59,315
randomly shooting
their spearguns
1320
01:07:00,449 --> 01:07:02,284
at each other
or inanimate objects.
1321
01:07:02,351 --> 01:07:03,919
And...
1322
01:07:03,986 --> 01:07:05,721
So I asked my field commanders,
1323
01:07:05,788 --> 01:07:07,823
I said, "How often
had this been happening?"
1324
01:07:07,890 --> 01:07:10,126
They said that
this type of thing
1325
01:07:10,192 --> 01:07:12,027
had happened
every single time.
1326
01:07:15,798 --> 01:07:17,767
So then I asked
a tough question.
1327
01:07:17,833 --> 01:07:19,802
"Why do you think
it's happening?"
1328
01:07:20,970 --> 01:07:22,738
The major said
that his guess
1329
01:07:22,805 --> 01:07:25,040
was because they were
wild monkeys...
1330
01:07:30,513 --> 01:07:31,881
and that they as soldiers
1331
01:07:31,947 --> 01:07:33,682
didn't have
the proper training
1332
01:07:33,749 --> 01:07:35,217
to work with them.
1333
01:07:35,284 --> 01:07:37,686
So I looked at him
right in the eye and said,
1334
01:07:37,753 --> 01:07:40,122
"But we're gonna
get there, right?"
1335
01:07:41,090 --> 01:07:42,725
He said,
"I doubt it, sir."
1336
01:07:49,565 --> 01:07:52,435
I said, "Well, hold on,
let me ask you this...
1337
01:07:52,501 --> 01:07:54,737
Are they at least
entertaining the children?"
1338
01:07:58,007 --> 01:07:59,842
He said he'd have
no idea of knowing,
1339
01:08:00,910 --> 01:08:02,678
but that his guess
would be no...
1340
01:08:03,879 --> 01:08:06,048
considering it was
a top-secret operation
1341
01:08:06,115 --> 01:08:08,484
and no one knew
the monkeys were there.
1342
01:08:10,453 --> 01:08:12,822
Especially the children.
1343
01:08:14,223 --> 01:08:16,892
At the end of exercises,
all but 40 monkeys
1344
01:08:16,959 --> 01:08:19,328
had run off into
the North Carolina woods.
1345
01:08:20,930 --> 01:08:24,667
Speargun attacks along
the I-95 corridor
1346
01:08:26,101 --> 01:08:28,270
have increased 1,000%
1347
01:08:28,337 --> 01:08:30,206
in that time.
1348
01:08:31,173 --> 01:08:33,042
So...
1349
01:08:35,578 --> 01:08:37,646
let me just tell you this...
1350
01:08:39,181 --> 01:08:41,984
if you're planning a car trip
down to Disney World,
1351
01:08:43,385 --> 01:08:46,055
don't stop
at the rest stops, okay?
1352
01:08:46,121 --> 01:08:48,724
'Cause there's a 50/50 chance
1353
01:08:48,791 --> 01:08:50,793
a malnourished monkey's
1354
01:08:50,860 --> 01:08:52,995
gonna pop up out of a toilet
1355
01:08:54,263 --> 01:08:56,098
and shoot you in the face
with a spear gun.
1356
01:09:02,972 --> 01:09:05,040
You know what?
I could give a shit.
1357
01:09:06,809 --> 01:09:08,844
It's the Tiger Woods
guy's problem now.
1358
01:09:24,260 --> 01:09:25,561
True story.
1359
01:09:31,100 --> 01:09:33,269
I still think
under the right circumstances,
1360
01:09:33,335 --> 01:09:34,770
it would've worked.
1361
01:09:37,172 --> 01:09:38,807
I will...
1362
01:09:38,874 --> 01:09:41,443
I will always
think of myself
1363
01:09:41,510 --> 01:09:43,512
as a wartime president.
1364
01:09:44,580 --> 01:09:46,315
And yes, I am aware
1365
01:09:46,382 --> 01:09:48,417
of the criticisms
1366
01:09:48,484 --> 01:09:49,985
that have been
thrown my way
1367
01:09:50,052 --> 01:09:51,654
for my decision to go into Iraq.
1368
01:09:51,720 --> 01:09:52,988
It will...
1369
01:09:53,055 --> 01:09:55,824
It will ultimately
define my presidency.
1370
01:09:57,526 --> 01:09:59,128
I've been asked,
1371
01:09:59,194 --> 01:10:00,863
knowing what
we know now,
1372
01:10:00,930 --> 01:10:02,298
would we have...
1373
01:10:03,465 --> 01:10:04,934
would we have made
the same decisions,
1374
01:10:05,000 --> 01:10:06,569
the same...
1375
01:10:06,635 --> 01:10:08,971
the same choices?
1376
01:10:11,473 --> 01:10:13,609
Sure, we would've
adjusted a few things.
1377
01:10:15,344 --> 01:10:17,346
But in the choice
between freedom
1378
01:10:18,213 --> 01:10:19,815
and tyranny,
1379
01:10:19,882 --> 01:10:21,884
we must always choose freedom.
1380
01:10:26,255 --> 01:10:28,257
Has the war weighed
heavily on me?
1381
01:10:30,292 --> 01:10:31,527
Sure it has.
1382
01:10:34,363 --> 01:10:35,698
I think about it every day.
1383
01:10:38,534 --> 01:10:40,035
Do I cry about it?
1384
01:10:41,170 --> 01:10:42,471
Yeah, without a doubt.
1385
01:10:43,973 --> 01:10:45,307
I cry a lot.
1386
01:10:46,909 --> 01:10:48,143
I feel for the families
1387
01:10:48,210 --> 01:10:50,479
who've lost loved ones.
1388
01:10:53,182 --> 01:10:54,783
I cry for the parents
1389
01:10:55,818 --> 01:10:57,319
who've lost
a son or daughter.
1390
01:11:00,489 --> 01:11:03,659
I cry for the kids
who'll never get to know
their mom or dad.
1391
01:11:06,695 --> 01:11:08,530
I also feel
1392
01:11:08,597 --> 01:11:11,400
for the hundreds of thousands
of Iraqi civilians
1393
01:11:11,467 --> 01:11:13,202
who've lost their lives.
1394
01:11:14,470 --> 01:11:16,505
A lot of this crying
is done alone.
1395
01:11:17,673 --> 01:11:19,708
'Cause I'm the one
who made the call
1396
01:11:20,676 --> 01:11:22,177
and I must live with that.
1397
01:11:27,650 --> 01:11:29,284
So at this moment in time,
1398
01:11:30,786 --> 01:11:33,022
I'd like to honor
all those who've died
1399
01:11:34,390 --> 01:11:36,191
as a result of this war
1400
01:11:37,760 --> 01:11:39,261
with a moment of silence.
1401
01:11:57,913 --> 01:12:00,683
(phone ringing)
1402
01:12:27,543 --> 01:12:31,146
(phone continues ringing)
1403
01:12:49,798 --> 01:12:51,700
Hello?
1404
01:12:51,767 --> 01:12:53,035
Huh?
1405
01:12:53,102 --> 01:12:54,870
No, we're not
taking reservations.
1406
01:12:56,271 --> 01:12:58,207
No, I don't know where
"Annie Get Your Gun's" playing.
1407
01:12:58,273 --> 01:12:59,375
What?
1408
01:12:59,441 --> 01:13:00,843
Yeah, I love Tom Wopat too.
1409
01:13:00,909 --> 01:13:03,679
Oh my god, that scared
the shit out of me.
1410
01:13:05,848 --> 01:13:08,617
For a tenth of a second,
I thought that was God calling.
1411
01:13:09,551 --> 01:13:11,086
Or worse, my dad.
1412
01:13:12,688 --> 01:13:15,457
I swear to god,
I think I had a heart attack
in my butthole.
1413
01:13:18,627 --> 01:13:20,095
Is that medically possible?
1414
01:13:20,963 --> 01:13:22,397
Does anyone know?
1415
01:13:22,464 --> 01:13:23,899
Is there a doctor
in the house?
1416
01:13:25,234 --> 01:13:26,735
Jerry, I think that spleef
you gave me was laced.
1417
01:13:26,802 --> 01:13:29,638
(phone ringing) Ow, yeah,
it's in my upper butthole.
1418
01:13:31,473 --> 01:13:33,041
Cort Theater.
How can I help you?
1419
01:13:34,243 --> 01:13:35,778
Hey, Brownie!
1420
01:13:35,844 --> 01:13:38,514
It's former head
of FEMA Mike Brownie.
Wanna say anything?
1421
01:13:38,580 --> 01:13:40,582
(audience boos)
1422
01:13:40,649 --> 01:13:42,985
They love you here, man.
What's up?
1423
01:13:44,553 --> 01:13:45,954
How're you doing, Brownie?
1424
01:13:46,021 --> 01:13:48,524
How's your wife Cathy?
She still got big tits?
1425
01:13:58,801 --> 01:14:01,003
I'm just kidding, Brownie.
Relax, man.
1426
01:14:02,704 --> 01:14:05,340
Hey, do you remember
when you were Judges
and Stewards Commissioner
1427
01:14:05,407 --> 01:14:09,178
of the International
Arabian Horse Association?
1428
01:14:09,244 --> 01:14:11,680
Yeah, why'd we ever think
that'd be proper training
1429
01:14:11,747 --> 01:14:13,615
for you to head up FEMA?
1430
01:14:14,750 --> 01:14:17,419
I know, it literally
makes no sense.
1431
01:14:18,720 --> 01:14:20,355
When I think back
to your appointment,
1432
01:14:20,422 --> 01:14:22,057
it shows
a blatant disregard
1433
01:14:22,124 --> 01:14:24,293
for the agency
and its function.
1434
01:14:24,359 --> 01:14:26,695
Then wouldn't you know it,
we get hit with the greatest
1435
01:14:26,762 --> 01:14:28,697
natural disaster in US history.
1436
01:14:28,764 --> 01:14:30,866
You still have
nightmares about it?
1437
01:14:30,933 --> 01:14:32,467
I'll bet you do.
1438
01:14:33,535 --> 01:14:35,437
Oh, Brownie.
1439
01:14:37,940 --> 01:14:40,309
Hey, do you remember
when I finally got
on the ground
1440
01:14:40,375 --> 01:14:42,177
and it wasn't even
New Orleans?
1441
01:14:43,679 --> 01:14:45,781
That's right.
It was Mobile, Alabama.
1442
01:14:45,848 --> 01:14:49,117
I said, "Brownie, you're doing
a heck of a job"?
1443
01:14:49,184 --> 01:14:52,087
It's so funny 'cause you were
not doing a heck of a job.
1444
01:14:53,689 --> 01:14:57,259
That's right, you were doing
the opposite of a heck
of a job.
1445
01:14:58,126 --> 01:15:00,162
Oh, Brownie.
1446
01:15:02,297 --> 01:15:04,299
Do you remember
on national television
1447
01:15:04,366 --> 01:15:06,668
when Kanye West said
that I hated black people?
1448
01:15:06,735 --> 01:15:09,304
I know, I don't hate
black people.
1449
01:15:09,371 --> 01:15:11,607
I never even
think about them.
1450
01:15:15,077 --> 01:15:16,979
Not in my day to day.
1451
01:15:17,045 --> 01:15:19,248
By the way,
how's New Orleans doing?
1452
01:15:19,314 --> 01:15:20,482
Uh-huh?
1453
01:15:20,549 --> 01:15:22,451
A lot of it still hasn't
been rebuilt?
1454
01:15:22,517 --> 01:15:25,187
It's funny. You would've thought
that after my initial mess-up
1455
01:15:25,254 --> 01:15:27,656
that I would've dedicated
more of my second term
1456
01:15:27,723 --> 01:15:29,725
to just checking in
on New Orleans.
1457
01:15:29,791 --> 01:15:31,560
I know, but I didn't.
1458
01:15:32,728 --> 01:15:34,730
You hit the nail
on the head, Brownie.
1459
01:15:34,796 --> 01:15:37,032
Americans do have
a short attention span.
1460
01:15:37,099 --> 01:15:40,836
No, it's great 'cause you can
just half-ass shit and it
doesn't matter.
1461
01:15:42,304 --> 01:15:44,373
Oh, Brownie.
1462
01:15:46,375 --> 01:15:48,310
I could talk to you
all night long.
1463
01:15:50,212 --> 01:15:52,381
Have you been watching
"Dancing With the Stars"?
1464
01:15:53,682 --> 01:15:56,385
Yeah. No, my money's
on Lil Kim.
1465
01:15:58,353 --> 01:16:00,389
Do you know how
to say it in Spanish?
1466
01:16:00,455 --> 01:16:02,691
(speaks Spanish)
1467
01:16:02,758 --> 01:16:04,092
Yeah.
1468
01:16:04,159 --> 01:16:06,261
Lil Kim in Spanish?
No, I don't know.
1469
01:16:08,130 --> 01:16:10,832
Probably "Kimalito," maybe.
I don't know.
1470
01:16:13,602 --> 01:16:14,703
Yeah.
1471
01:16:14,770 --> 01:16:17,472
No, go ahead.
Yeah, Google it.
I can wait.
1472
01:16:27,082 --> 01:16:29,084
You got to reboot your computer?
Okay, man.
1473
01:16:33,422 --> 01:16:35,891
Oh, "0 searches found"?
1474
01:16:35,958 --> 01:16:38,327
Well, I guess that'll be
a mystery for the ages.
1475
01:16:42,230 --> 01:16:44,132
Yeah.
Really?
1476
01:16:44,199 --> 01:16:46,935
And you're doing--
yeah? Uh-huh.
1477
01:16:47,002 --> 01:16:48,537
Okay.
1478
01:16:48,603 --> 01:16:50,806
Oh, so you're just
growing a mustache?
1479
01:16:50,872 --> 01:16:52,774
Well, it sounded
a lot more complicated
1480
01:16:52,841 --> 01:16:54,710
the way you were
describing it. Yeah.
1481
01:16:54,776 --> 01:16:56,945
Don't yell at me.
No, you called me.
1482
01:16:57,012 --> 01:16:58,714
Oh, you got to run?
All right, man.
1483
01:16:58,780 --> 01:17:00,248
Okay, take it easy.
1484
01:17:00,315 --> 01:17:03,652
Hey, Brownie? Good luck
with your bed sweats
and your night terrors.
1485
01:17:03,719 --> 01:17:06,288
All right, buddy.
Take care.
1486
01:17:06,355 --> 01:17:08,724
You people probably
won't even remember
that phone call.
1487
01:17:08,790 --> 01:17:10,258
(dialtone hums)
1488
01:17:10,325 --> 01:17:11,994
Operator:
Please hang up now.
1489
01:17:12,060 --> 01:17:14,062
This is a recording.
1490
01:17:14,129 --> 01:17:16,631
(dance music playing)
1491
01:18:09,284 --> 01:18:11,820
(music fading)
1492
01:18:11,887 --> 01:18:14,656
Hey, hey!
What the fuck's going on, man?
1493
01:18:30,572 --> 01:18:32,441
What are you doing, Jerry?
1494
01:18:32,507 --> 01:18:36,111
I leave for like four seconds,
you turn the whole place
into "Electric Boogaloo"?
1495
01:18:40,782 --> 01:18:42,417
You will talk to me.
1496
01:18:43,985 --> 01:18:46,221
I'm gonna wear you down
1497
01:18:46,288 --> 01:18:48,323
like an irritating gnat.
1498
01:18:53,895 --> 01:18:57,299
I'll give you $20,000 if you
bones it out with me right now.
1499
01:18:58,934 --> 01:19:01,603
Smart man.
I was not gonna give him
the $20,000.
1500
01:19:03,705 --> 01:19:07,075
You know, one of my great
qualities as president,
1501
01:19:07,142 --> 01:19:09,411
and heck, as a human being
1502
01:19:09,478 --> 01:19:12,280
is my ability to give out
clever nicknames
1503
01:19:12,347 --> 01:19:15,150
to all those that I
come in contact with.
1504
01:19:15,217 --> 01:19:16,651
So...
1505
01:19:16,718 --> 01:19:19,287
so at this moment in time,
we're gonna bring
the house lights up.
1506
01:19:19,354 --> 01:19:21,256
I want you
to raise your hand,
1507
01:19:21,323 --> 01:19:23,191
tell me your name
and you're occupation,
1508
01:19:23,258 --> 01:19:24,659
I'll give you
a cool nickname.
1509
01:19:24,726 --> 01:19:26,928
Yeah, that guy
on the balcony right there.
1510
01:19:26,995 --> 01:19:28,396
The glasses.
1511
01:19:29,364 --> 01:19:30,665
Rick?
You're a journalist?
1512
01:19:30,732 --> 01:19:32,601
Uh, I'm gonna call you...
1513
01:19:32,667 --> 01:19:34,903
who's the guy from
"The Washington Post"
1514
01:19:34,970 --> 01:19:36,738
that did the book on me?
1515
01:19:40,208 --> 01:19:41,710
Are you really
a journalist?
1516
01:19:42,611 --> 01:19:44,212
Most of the time.
1517
01:19:44,279 --> 01:19:46,381
Most of the time?
I'm gonna call you The Liar.
1518
01:19:48,283 --> 01:19:49,951
This lady right here.
Yeah. Right there.
1519
01:19:50,018 --> 01:19:52,287
Yeah.
Jenay?
1520
01:19:52,354 --> 01:19:54,256
You're a student?
Are you in college?
1521
01:19:54,322 --> 01:19:56,791
I'm gonna call you
Good Luck With the Job Market.
1522
01:19:58,360 --> 01:20:00,328
Yeah, this girl right here.
1523
01:20:01,263 --> 01:20:02,831
Your name is Cognac? Anya.
1524
01:20:02,898 --> 01:20:04,866
Oh, Anya. Phew.
1525
01:20:07,802 --> 01:20:10,639
I was about to say
that's one of the coolest
names of all time.
1526
01:20:11,740 --> 01:20:13,642
"This is Cognac.
What's up?"
1527
01:20:13,708 --> 01:20:15,210
Anya.
What do you do?
1528
01:20:15,277 --> 01:20:17,012
I'm a tennis coach. You're a tennis coach?
1529
01:20:17,078 --> 01:20:19,281
I'm gonna call you
Martina Navratilova.
1530
01:20:19,347 --> 01:20:21,316
Yeah, this guy right here.
1531
01:20:21,383 --> 01:20:23,318
Thomas Jones,
orthopedic surgeon.
1532
01:20:23,385 --> 01:20:25,153
Thomas Jones.
"Orthapedis" surgeon.
1533
01:20:25,220 --> 01:20:26,621
Orthopedic surgeon?
1534
01:20:26,688 --> 01:20:28,557
Uh, I'm gonna call you
The Scorpion.
1535
01:20:29,958 --> 01:20:31,826
Yeah, this guy
right here.
1536
01:20:31,893 --> 01:20:33,295
Alexander?
1537
01:20:33,361 --> 01:20:35,330
You own an iced tea company?
1538
01:20:35,397 --> 01:20:37,032
I'm gonna call you
Nestea Plunge.
1539
01:20:38,099 --> 01:20:39,401
Yeah, right here.
1540
01:20:39,467 --> 01:20:41,536
Bruce, you look like a member
of the Doobie Brothers.
1541
01:20:41,603 --> 01:20:43,071
You remember
the Doobie Brothers?
1542
01:20:43,138 --> 01:20:45,373
I'm gonna call you
China Grove.
1543
01:20:47,042 --> 01:20:48,777
Yeah, this guy
right down here.
1544
01:20:48,843 --> 01:20:50,345
I'm a gastroenterologist.
1545
01:20:50,412 --> 01:20:52,247
You're a gastroenterologist?
1546
01:20:53,248 --> 01:20:55,450
I'm gonna call
you The Fiber Man.
1547
01:20:56,818 --> 01:20:58,386
Yeah, this lady right here.
1548
01:20:58,453 --> 01:20:59,554
Savannah.
1549
01:20:59,621 --> 01:21:01,823
Savannah?
And what do you do?
1550
01:21:01,890 --> 01:21:03,291
I'm a Shakespeare scholar.
1551
01:21:03,358 --> 01:21:05,460
You're a Shakespeare scholar?
1552
01:21:05,527 --> 01:21:08,797
I'm gonna call you Scholar
of Unnecessary Subjects.
1553
01:21:20,575 --> 01:21:23,545
I'm not trying
to be mean or anything,
1554
01:21:23,612 --> 01:21:25,180
but seriously.
1555
01:21:25,247 --> 01:21:28,516
How often do we hear
Shakespeare in our lives?
1556
01:21:30,485 --> 01:21:33,221
It's all a bunch
of gobbledy-gook.
Yeah?
1557
01:21:33,288 --> 01:21:35,390
This distinguished-looking
gentleman right here.
1558
01:21:35,457 --> 01:21:37,092
Jerry.
1559
01:21:37,158 --> 01:21:38,560
(Jerry mumbles)
1560
01:21:38,627 --> 01:21:40,762
You're a theater ticket broker?
1561
01:21:40,829 --> 01:21:42,864
I'm gonna
call you The Ascot.
1562
01:21:44,165 --> 01:21:45,934
Yeah, this guy
right in the front row.
1563
01:21:46,001 --> 01:21:47,535
I'm Jason.
I'm a software engineer.
1564
01:21:47,602 --> 01:21:49,204
Software engineer?
1565
01:21:49,271 --> 01:21:50,805
I'll call you Nerd Alert.
1566
01:21:52,907 --> 01:21:54,943
That guy in the glasses
right there.
1567
01:21:55,010 --> 01:21:57,545
Blake Pearson.
I'm a writer, but not
for "The New York Times."
1568
01:21:57,612 --> 01:21:58,813
You're a writer?
1569
01:21:58,880 --> 01:22:01,216
What do you write?
Comic books or something?
1570
01:22:01,283 --> 01:22:02,550
So what do you write?
1571
01:22:02,617 --> 01:22:04,352
Screenplays. Screenplays?
1572
01:22:04,419 --> 01:22:06,588
I'm gonna call you
Hurry Up and Wait.
1573
01:22:09,257 --> 01:22:11,026
Yeah, this lady right back here.
1574
01:22:11,092 --> 01:22:13,228
Woman: My name is Ola. Hola?
1575
01:22:13,295 --> 01:22:16,164
Hola to you, Hola.
1576
01:22:21,403 --> 01:22:23,138
Yeah, that guy right here
in the cool hairdo.
1577
01:22:23,204 --> 01:22:25,407
You got a lot of mousse
in your hair tonight, man.
1578
01:22:25,473 --> 01:22:27,175
Looks good.
1579
01:22:27,242 --> 01:22:29,077
Yeah, that's a good-looking
beard too.
1580
01:22:29,144 --> 01:22:31,479
I'm gonna call you
Jacques Cousteau.
1581
01:22:33,748 --> 01:22:35,850
Yeah, right here.
This lady.
1582
01:22:35,917 --> 01:22:37,085
Lisa. Lisa?
1583
01:22:37,152 --> 01:22:39,287
I'm a real estate
investor.
1584
01:22:39,354 --> 01:22:41,189
I'm gonna call you
Shit Outta Luck, Lisa.
1585
01:22:51,299 --> 01:22:52,934
I think that went really well.
1586
01:22:53,001 --> 01:22:54,436
That went really well, yeah.
1587
01:22:54,502 --> 01:22:56,271
Yeah, yeah.
1588
01:23:03,111 --> 01:23:04,779
And Lisa,
1589
01:23:04,846 --> 01:23:07,415
footnote to that--
it's not my fault. Okay?
1590
01:23:12,821 --> 01:23:16,057
I think we came up
with some really
cool nicknames, yeah...
1591
01:23:16,124 --> 01:23:17,892
that'll...
1592
01:23:22,697 --> 01:23:25,600
that'll hopefully
last a lifetime.
1593
01:23:26,601 --> 01:23:28,103
Nerd Alert.
1594
01:23:32,073 --> 01:23:33,675
"Hey, where's Nerd Alert?
1595
01:23:33,742 --> 01:23:36,111
I'm supposed to
pick him up at 10:00."
1596
01:23:37,245 --> 01:23:39,180
"He's doing his software stuff."
1597
01:23:41,716 --> 01:23:43,017
It's like magic.
1598
01:23:44,152 --> 01:23:45,887
I wish being president
was that easy.
1599
01:23:45,954 --> 01:23:47,322
Yeah.
1600
01:23:47,389 --> 01:23:48,923
Eight years.
1601
01:23:48,990 --> 01:23:50,592
("America the Beautiful"
playing off-key)
1602
01:23:50,658 --> 01:23:52,394
Eight whole years.
1603
01:23:57,198 --> 01:23:59,334
Went by in the blink of an eye.
1604
01:23:59,401 --> 01:24:01,536
Did we find Osama bin Laden?
1605
01:24:01,603 --> 01:24:04,005
No, we dropped the ball
on that one. I agree.
1606
01:24:05,173 --> 01:24:08,176
But did we get steroids
out of baseball?
1607
01:24:08,243 --> 01:24:10,545
You bet we did.
1608
01:24:12,414 --> 01:24:13,815
Sort of.
1609
01:24:15,884 --> 01:24:18,019
Did we make sure marriage
is a union
1610
01:24:18,086 --> 01:24:19,621
between a man and a woman?
1611
01:24:19,687 --> 01:24:21,623
In most places, yes,
1612
01:24:22,857 --> 01:24:24,459
even though I'd be lying to you
if I told you
1613
01:24:24,526 --> 01:24:28,263
I didn't enjoy my AWOL time
in Vermont with Dave Rothschild.
1614
01:24:34,636 --> 01:24:37,939
Were we able to ease
trade restrictions with China
1615
01:24:38,006 --> 01:24:40,875
to get their toxic
lead-based toys
1616
01:24:40,942 --> 01:24:43,645
and poisonous
breast formula?
1617
01:24:45,180 --> 01:24:46,648
Check mark.
1618
01:24:49,951 --> 01:24:51,820
We also tripled the deficit,
1619
01:24:51,886 --> 01:24:53,354
sanctioned torture,
1620
01:24:53,421 --> 01:24:55,457
and illegally
wiretapped Americans
1621
01:24:55,523 --> 01:24:56,958
months before 9/11.
1622
01:24:57,025 --> 01:24:58,793
But on the down side,
1623
01:25:01,529 --> 01:25:05,033
we did oversee the collapse
of the entire world economy,
so...
1624
01:25:09,504 --> 01:25:11,606
"masser menos".
1625
01:25:12,874 --> 01:25:14,909
Right, Hola?
1626
01:25:25,954 --> 01:25:28,189
So basically
it comes down to this...
1627
01:25:28,256 --> 01:25:30,225
am I the worst
president of all-time?
1628
01:25:30,291 --> 01:25:32,827
(audience cheering) Hold on, hold on, hold on.
1629
01:25:34,496 --> 01:25:37,532
I didn't realize tonight
was amateur historian night.
1630
01:25:44,806 --> 01:25:47,809
Some say that it was
James Buchanan,
1631
01:25:47,876 --> 01:25:50,845
who in 1860, when faced
with secession,
1632
01:25:50,912 --> 01:25:52,547
did nothing.
1633
01:25:52,614 --> 01:25:54,749
Or was it Abraham Lincoln's
successor,
1634
01:25:54,816 --> 01:25:56,851
Andrew Johnson,
1635
01:25:56,918 --> 01:25:59,354
who openly sided
with former Confederates
1636
01:25:59,420 --> 01:26:01,789
to undermine
reconstruction efforts?
1637
01:26:02,857 --> 01:26:04,459
Warren G. Harding.
1638
01:26:04,526 --> 01:26:07,795
His administration
was openly corrupt.
1639
01:26:08,863 --> 01:26:10,965
What about Millard Fillmore?
1640
01:26:12,033 --> 01:26:14,135
His name was Millard Fillmore.
1641
01:26:18,673 --> 01:26:21,543
How did he grow up
past age six, you know?
1642
01:26:25,680 --> 01:26:27,982
Cognac would be
a better name for him.
1643
01:26:30,051 --> 01:26:32,687
What about Herbert Hoover?
That guy was a pretty
good lameass.
1644
01:26:34,155 --> 01:26:36,224
Then there's Richard Nixon.
He bombed Cambodia
1645
01:26:36,291 --> 01:26:37,992
without telling anybody,
1646
01:26:38,059 --> 01:26:40,361
then escalated
the Vietnam War.
1647
01:26:41,462 --> 01:26:42,830
And then there's me.
1648
01:26:43,731 --> 01:26:45,433
I was able to get Congress
1649
01:26:45,500 --> 01:26:48,136
to do just about anything
I wanted them to do,
1650
01:26:48,202 --> 01:26:51,039
which technically,
isn't that the mark
1651
01:26:51,105 --> 01:26:53,041
of an effective president?
1652
01:26:54,275 --> 01:26:55,977
The bottom line is
1653
01:26:56,044 --> 01:26:58,212
can you go to bed at night
1654
01:26:58,279 --> 01:27:01,115
knowing the decisions
that you have made?
1655
01:27:02,617 --> 01:27:04,485
And I know that I can.
1656
01:27:05,820 --> 01:27:07,989
Partly because
I'm a really good sleeper.
1657
01:27:11,025 --> 01:27:13,061
I just like to sleep.
1658
01:27:15,797 --> 01:27:18,399
When I look in the mirror,
I like what I see.
1659
01:27:19,601 --> 01:27:21,536
So I feel pretty good.
1660
01:27:23,605 --> 01:27:25,373
I feel pretty good.
1661
01:27:29,110 --> 01:27:31,579
One last thing, since I know
I'm not gonna hear any thanks,
1662
01:27:32,814 --> 01:27:34,682
I just wanna say one last thing,
1663
01:27:34,749 --> 01:27:36,985
you're welcome, America.
1664
01:27:37,051 --> 01:27:40,021
(country ballad playing)
1665
01:27:47,095 --> 01:27:51,699
♪ I followed you to Texas ♪
1666
01:27:51,766 --> 01:27:56,771
♪ I followed you to Utah ♪
1667
01:27:57,905 --> 01:28:02,510
♪ I went with you to Alabama ♪
1668
01:28:02,577 --> 01:28:07,482
♪ Things looked good
in Birmingham ♪
1669
01:28:08,650 --> 01:28:14,422
♪ I know you're tired
of following ♪
1670
01:28:14,489 --> 01:28:20,294
♪ My elusive dreams
and schemes ♪
1671
01:28:20,361 --> 01:28:25,099
♪ For they're only
fleeting things ♪
1672
01:28:25,166 --> 01:28:29,470
♪ My elusive dreams ♪
1673
01:28:29,537 --> 01:28:32,940
(music fades)
1674
01:29:44,545 --> 01:29:46,814
(rock music playing)
1675
01:29:58,693 --> 01:30:01,796
♪ So long, farewell
Auf Wiedersehen, adieu ♪
1676
01:30:01,863 --> 01:30:04,999
♪ Adieu, adieu
To you and you and you ♪
1677
01:30:13,274 --> 01:30:16,210
♪ So long, farewell
Au revoir, Auf Weidersehen ♪
(music fades)
1678
01:30:16,277 --> 01:30:18,713
Yeah, this guy right here.
Yeah.
1679
01:30:19,947 --> 01:30:21,849
Chris, teacher.
What do you teach, Chris?
1680
01:30:21,916 --> 01:30:23,651
High school special ed.
1681
01:30:23,718 --> 01:30:25,520
Special ed?
1682
01:30:26,654 --> 01:30:28,389
That's a good subject, man.
1683
01:30:28,456 --> 01:30:29,991
Yeah.
1684
01:30:30,057 --> 01:30:31,559
I'm gonna call you...
1685
01:30:31,626 --> 01:30:33,728
You know, I don't really have
a nickname for you,
1686
01:30:33,795 --> 01:30:35,329
but I remember some
of those classes.
1687
01:30:35,396 --> 01:30:37,331
Yeah, this guy
right here.
1688
01:30:37,398 --> 01:30:39,600
I sell decorative hardware
and bath accessories.
1689
01:30:39,667 --> 01:30:42,637
Decorative hardware
and bath accessories.
1690
01:30:50,945 --> 01:30:52,046
I'm gonna call you
1691
01:30:52,113 --> 01:30:54,415
Scrub-a-Dub-Dub
Three Men in a Tub.
1692
01:30:56,517 --> 01:30:58,052
Yeah, what's your name?
1693
01:30:58,119 --> 01:31:00,021
Andy?
And you're in seventh grade?
1694
01:31:00,087 --> 01:31:02,390
I'm gonna
call you Pubes.
1695
01:31:10,832 --> 01:31:12,767
Dave Rothschild?
1696
01:31:16,103 --> 01:31:18,639
Get up here, man.
1697
01:31:24,779 --> 01:31:26,948
Nice to see you, man.
You look good.
1698
01:31:27,014 --> 01:31:28,616
You look great.
1699
01:31:28,683 --> 01:31:31,085
You look great.
1700
01:31:33,154 --> 01:31:35,056
Where have you been?
1701
01:31:37,892 --> 01:31:39,360
You stopped returning my calls
1702
01:31:40,595 --> 01:31:42,530
22 years ago, man.
1703
01:31:43,431 --> 01:31:45,066
All right, buddy.
1704
01:31:48,870 --> 01:31:50,838
(gunshots)
116741
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