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""
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- All right, wait, wait, wait! You ready?
- Yeah
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- Hi..- You've..- Reached..- Pete..- And..- Berg
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- We're..- Not..- Home..- So..- Leave..- A..- Message..
- After..- The.. - Beep
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- That
- Sucked
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""
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Good morning! I'm Pete Dunville, lecturing for Professor Yanikov
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The Kremlin
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A big, ugly, building in Russia
No, I can't say that
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- Ah, great you're here! I can run this speech by you
- Hey
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- Whatever you need
- ok..
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- The Kremlin. Commissioned in 1550 --
- Help me move the couch
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Was to commemorate Ivan the Terrible's -- why are we moving the couch?
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To make room for the dance floor
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Ivan the Terrible?
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- Berg, what have you done?
- Nothing
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I just happened to run into Bethany outside of work this morning
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Happened? Berg, you had to happen on two trains and a ferry to get there!
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-Hey! I haven't seen her in a while
- Yeah, and life was good
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What do you have against Bethany, huh?
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Nothing! Except everything you run into her you turn into a bumbling fool
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So untrue!
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Berg, I don't get it!
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Get what?
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-I just feel like moving slowly on this one...
- It's been two years, and you've never asked her out
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Oh, yeah? Then how come I invited her to a party tonight?
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Here?
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How great is that?!
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I'll go over to Melissa's
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- You can't
- Why not?
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Because Melissa's coming over here
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- For what?
- For your birthday party
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-Berg, my birthday's not for seven months
- But your party's tonight
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Berg!
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Pete, it wasn't my fault, okay?C'mon!
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I was asking her to dinner
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I really was...but then she got that whole soft, pouty look happening...
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..and you know her hair
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Then she smiled...
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..and I panicked, and it just came out...
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"Come to Pete's birthday party"
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Yeah, well, whenever it is, now I'm covered!
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Duly noted
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Whoa, Berg, she's cleaning -- she must be mad!
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Great! This place is a mess!
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What's wrong, Sharon?
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You know....
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a guy asks you out, and usually you expect a call sometime during the week,
saying you know like maybe where, or what time --
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Who, the doll salesman?
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He happens to be the VP of marketing for Barbie
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a multi-million dollar corporation
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Doll salesman
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Maybe he got back together with his ex
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Or maybe he just forgot all about you
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Maybe he's on a conference call with Ken
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All right, where's the new Scrub Genie?!
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I think it's in the bathroom
but you don't want to go in there, it's scary! No, stop! Don't...
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Why are you torturing her?
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Sharon's phone
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It's Barbie Boy
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Um, she's in the bathroom, could I take a message?
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Yeah, 7:30, Copperfield's
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I'll let her know. Thanks
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- Hey, was that my phone?
No!..
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We'll tell her later
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- Don't you want this place to look good for your party?
- Berg, there's no party. Party bad!
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I have to nail this lecture tomorrow if I have any hopes of teaching undergrad next semester!
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I need this party, Pete
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All right, one condition
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- Name it
- You *finally* tell this woman how you feel
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What do you mean?
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-Forget it! No party!
- Okay, I'll tell her tonight...I promise
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And...I want everyone outta here by 10:30
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Done!
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Arrrgggh! Why am I about to say yes?!
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Because you fight on the side of good!
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- Mr. Bergen!
- Barney! Fitzey!
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- The party robe!
- Epic!
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I wore it for the kids
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- There's the boy!
- Hey, what happened to your guys?
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We had a fight. Fitz here tried to tell me it wasn't your birthday
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- And you cut his tie off?
- Chewed
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Why so tense, big guy?
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He's gotta give a speech
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Speech, speech, speech, SPEECH! WAOOOOOO!
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So...you all set for Bethany?
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Yep! Tonight, I'm going to play it cool
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No going up to her, no talking to her every second...
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be relaxed, enjoy myself, flirt with other girls
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Why don't you just ring her doorbell and run away?
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Happy birthday...
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- Oh, thanks
- I thought your birthday was in May?
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Nope, that was just a rumor started by my birth certificate
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- Punch?
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but then they did order a dozen pizzas...
so, look I made 'em special.
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Look, the number 30 out of black olives
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Yeah, I do love to work with my toppings
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I'm 24. Why did you make me 30?
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You get better presents
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I don't wanna be 30!
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Act your age!
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Hey there! Happy birthday!
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- Melissa, you know it's not my birthday...
- Oh, come on -- how many people get to turn thirty twice?
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Jell-O Shot?
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Oh, thank you! That looks lovely! I would love one
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- No, thank you...
- Hello, Mr. Doom-and-Gloom, be fun
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- Oh, that is *good*
- Yeah, well be careful with 'em, they're lethal
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There's no fat in Jell-O!
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No, no, that's not what I meant, I mean they're mixed with vod--
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C'mon Pops -- let's party!
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Speech!! Speech!! Speech!!
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- Hey there, Party Guy!
- Bethany!
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And in this corner, wearing the blue disgusting robe that has never, ever been washed, Michael Eugene Bergen!
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- Glad you could make it
- Oh, come on! I wouldn't miss it for anything!
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Well, what if both of your legs were caught in a bear trap, and...you had a cold?
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I'd chew myself free, and take a decongestant
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I love a girl with a plan
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- Barney needs more punch! Bethany!
- Rocky and Bullwinkle!
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-Hey!!
- Hey!!
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-Hey!
- Stop!
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Boris need a refill!
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I'm going in -- do you wanna come?
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Um...no, um...I'm just gonna hang here; but you're welcome to --
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Hey guys! Wait up!
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Hey everybody! It's Bethany!
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Ha ha!..Oh, yeah, that's gonna stain
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-- Nazta Lo-veia? Maszta noevck?
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Don't tell me, don't tell me....Bethany
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Berg, do you realize we've known each other for almost two years?
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- No...two years?
- Yep. You walked right up to me at O'Malley's, and introduced yourself, and knocked a pitcher of margaritas into my lap
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Oh, yeah...I was, just uh, trying to put out the fire in your pants
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Anyway, I
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Ho, ho, ho, ho...Oh, God
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It's okay, it's okay, it's okay....I'm gonna go get some club soda
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What is everyone doing in my room?!
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What are you -- are you out of your mind?!
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You didn't have any more clean(?) glasses
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That's it. Everyone, OUT! C'mon....
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out, out!
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So what did Bethany say?
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Aw, Berg...
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Oh, Berg what?
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You poor fool! Oh! I love how you never give up! God, that is just so romantic
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You know Berg, you make up for all the doll salesmen out there that don't even bother to call
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- I, uh...thought you were gonna to tell her
- No, you were gonna to tell her
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Man, would I hate to be friends with us
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Pete! Let's DANCE!
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- No, no, no...
- C'mon, we never dance anymore
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Now that you're thirty, things are changing! Where did the time go?!
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-Listen, the time went nowhere, and I'm not thirty!
- Yes, you are!
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- You think I'm too immature for you, don't you?
- Melissa, how many of these have you had?!
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All different colors...
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all working together!
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Why can't people get along like Jell-O??
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- All right, you dingbat, come on...let's get you some coffee...
- Coffee? We don't need coffee -- we're Jell-O sisters!!
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Wooooooo!!
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- OW!
- Sorry
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- Good party, huh?
- Yeah, yeah...I mean, look, now it's 10:15, and you're in here with me!
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- I'm pacing myself
- Berg
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Pace your ass out there and tell her how you feel. You have fifteen minutes left.
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Did you invite the police?
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- Bethany, I have something really important to tell you...
- Sure...
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and you know...it just...kinda got out of control...But, I promi --
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-Hey!! Pete! Can I be of some help?
- Mr. Bauer! Hi, how are you? No, We have things under control here
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Can I see some ID?
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You don't need to see his identification
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We don't need to see his identification
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This isn't the party you're looking for
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This isn't the party we're looking for
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-He can go about his business
- You can go about your business
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- Move along
- Move along
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WOW!! Mr. Bauer, thanks!!
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May the Force not be with you
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- Get it?
- Yeah, yeah
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Soooooo? What happened? What did she say?
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I just wanted to test the waters...
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- see how important I was to her
-Great, and?
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And, I looked her right in the eye...
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-Uh-huh?
- And she smiled back...
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Uh-huh..good. And?
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And told her...
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I'm moving to France
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I'm sorry.. What?
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You only gave me fifteen minutes. It was the best I could do!
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Berg! Berg, what are you afraid of??
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Mostly clowns...and mimes
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You know what, I give up. You're pathetic
Everyone! I'm sorry! It's 10:30
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- Fountains...
- FOUNTAINS!!
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She didn't even CARE !!!
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"Have fun". That's what she said. I tell her I'm moving to France, and she says, "Have fun"
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Well, Berg...what kind of girl is gonna go, "Oh, swell, you're moving out of the country? Let's start a relationship!"
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- Speech! Speech!
- You want a speech?!
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Alright, here's your speech!!
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Hey!!
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Look what the guys on the softball team bought me! Ehh!!
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And check out these! Huh?! And you guys missed an incredible tournament!
Full-contact hopscotch! Bill was unstoppable!
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And Bernie ate a fern! Roots and all!
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Okay, what put you in such a good mood?
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It's my birthday!
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It is *not* your birthday
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Oh, don't blame me because Bethany is out there having a great time, and you're hiding in here packing my clothes
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00:14:01,175 --> 00:14:02,718
Why are you packing my clothes?
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So Bethany can feel the pang of loss when I walk out that front door on my way to France
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00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:14,062
Okay, he's lost it...
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You guys...you guys don't know how I feel
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00:14:19,443 --> 00:14:24,948
Oh, come on! At least Bethany showed up! Whereas I got completely blown off. That's worse
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00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,075
No, it's not
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Trust me, it is
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00:14:29,203 --> 00:14:31,830
No...it's not
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00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:33,707
Yes, it is
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- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
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Well, I'll have you know that you didn't even get blown off. Doll Boy did call, and WE FORGOT TO TELL YOU!
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I think you owe me an apology, sister
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- You--!! Ugghh!!!!!!
- Ow!
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Berg, come on! Look, when I just starting to enjoy myself -- why are you doing this to me??
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I'm not doing anything to you!
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Oh, no, no, no... see, what happens to you happens to me -- and right now, my life is a circus all because you're trying to get into some girl's pants!
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00:15:09,078 --> 00:15:11,286
Hey! It's not like that, Pete, okay?!
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-Whoa... - Wow... - Yeah...
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00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:22,548
No, no, no, no...this can't--...love??
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This stays in the room
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What *is* it about this girl that makes me so crazy? Her voice....her smile...
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- And the fact that doesn't just fall at your feet?
- Yeah, and what is the deal with that??
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- Maybe I should just stick with women I don't care about
- No, Berg! You *have* to tell her!
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Listen to me! I know. I'm thirty
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-There you are! Awww, Happy Birthday Petey
- Thanks
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I've got to take off -- I have an early meeting
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00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:11,346
Awwwww...I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow
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Ooohh....you have a safe flight, okay?
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00:16:15,309 --> 00:16:18,437
Uh, Bethany...I need to ask you something...
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Can you give me a ride to the airport?
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Berg...you're not going to France, are you?
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- Well...
- No, no, no! Cut the crap! What's with you?
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You're right. I'm not
243
00:16:41,919 --> 00:16:50,636
This isn't even my stuff. The truth is...Pete's dying.
244
00:16:52,179 --> 00:16:57,643
I'm actually going to the airport to send some stuff ahead to Paris. There's a clinic there.
245
00:16:58,435 --> 00:17:04,233
But Pete looked so great! Running around, having fun...he was singing!
246
00:17:04,983 --> 00:17:06,985
Yep, that's one of the symptoms
247
00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:12,032
- I'm sorry...
- That's okay...
249
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:21,166
- I told you those things were lethal
- But they were so pretty!
250
00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:26,463
- I told her
- Ah, good for you
251
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:31,927
- If it's any consolation, when my uncle Roy was dying --
- What, you told her I was DYING?!
253
00:17:44,189 --> 00:17:47,317
For the love of God, help me!
254
00:17:50,279 --> 00:17:56,827
Bethany, I'm not sick, Berg's not moving to France, I'm 24, and my birthday isn't 'til May.That about covers it, right?
255
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:57,703
Yeah
256
00:18:02,541 --> 00:18:05,460
Berg, what's with all the lying and the games??
257
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:10,007
Look, I like you
258
00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:12,384
I like you too
259
00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:25,606
No, I mean, I like-like you...or love-you-like-you...or I'd like to love you?
260
00:18:26,648 --> 00:18:32,321
Oh, Berg...I've thought about this moment for such a long time...
261
00:18:32,446 --> 00:18:33,030
Me too!
262
00:18:33,697 --> 00:18:35,782
I just always hoped and prayed that it would never happen.
263
00:18:39,703 --> 00:18:41,079
What wouldn't happen?
264
00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:51,924
This! C'mon Berg -- you know I, I love hanging out with you and stuff, I just
-- you know, I don't...feel that way...about you.
265
00:18:53,383 --> 00:18:54,927
Oh, God, I'm sorry...
266
00:18:56,178 --> 00:18:57,804
I threw this whole party for you
267
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:02,559
That's very sweet! I, I didn't ask you to...
269
00:19:08,482 --> 00:19:11,610
Oh, Berg...can we still be friends?
270
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:18,951
Probably...but, uh, I've *really* had my fill of personal growth for the day...
271
00:19:23,539 --> 00:19:26,750
- Bye
- Bye
272
00:19:35,926 --> 00:19:40,514
- Speech! SPEECH!
- You know what?! Speech this!
273
00:19:50,649 --> 00:19:58,235
- Orion...the hunter... - Nice to see ya.. Thanks for coming
- So... You did it?
274
00:19:58,782 --> 00:20:00,659
- I did it
- And?
275
00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:03,287
Are you pretending you weren't watching from the window?
276
00:20:03,662 --> 00:20:05,247
Isn't that the way we play this game?
277
00:20:06,999 --> 00:20:11,003
Man...I'm surprised you identified me without dental records
278
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,630
- That bad, huh?
- Brutal...
280
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:17,759
I'll punch you right in the mouth
281
00:20:18,677 --> 00:20:23,140
Berg, I'm serious. Look, it's good to get stomped on every once in a while. Reminds us that we're human
282
00:20:24,099 --> 00:20:29,479
And this might -- and notice I say might -- mean that you're one step closer to a relationship
283
00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:31,690
B-uuugghhh!
284
00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:43,785
I gotta hand it to you -- you know, this was...outstanding
You know, most people don't get to enjoy their thirtieth birthday party because they're too freaked out about turning thirty.
286
00:20:48,749 --> 00:20:50,375
And I got to watch you suffer
287
00:20:53,212 --> 00:20:56,590
- You get enjoyment out of that, huh?
- I really, really do!
288
00:20:58,133 --> 00:20:59,510
- My present to you
- Thanks
289
00:21:00,219 --> 00:21:05,098
-Pete...! - Speech, speech, speech, SPEECH! - Speech, boy!
- Go get 'em, Pe-co!
290
00:21:05,599 --> 00:21:08,393
Don't stop now, bad boy -- you're on a roll
291
00:21:09,728 --> 00:21:13,190
- Alright, you want a speech??
- YEAH!!
292
00:21:14,483 --> 00:21:19,363
Speech... A speech... The Kremlin. Big ugly building in Russia is surrounded by fountains --
293
00:21:20,155 --> 00:21:24,493
FOUNTAINS!..FOUNTAINS!...FOUNTAINS!
23612
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