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1
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Pete, they're leaving
2
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bye Sharon
bye Sharon's date
3
00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:11,929
hey Sharon you're right
he does look like a young Sean Connery
4
00:00:13,949 --> 00:00:18,341
remember you just met
no farther than second base
5
00:00:20,653 --> 00:00:24,032
oh, she hates us so much
6
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it's driving me crazy
7
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tell me about it, so far I've counted six ornaments and two chairs
what could Mrs. Wexler possibly do with six ornaments ?
8
00:00:49,768 --> 00:00:59,025
ok, sunday is our one year anniversary, Melissa and I
and I know she's gonna make a big deal out of it
9
00:00:59,025 --> 00:01:01,563
why do I smell peaches ?
10
00:01:01,563 --> 00:01:08,380
10:30 am after 24 hours of testing Peachy Keen cream
my skin feels unusually soft and subtle
11
00:01:09,294 --> 00:01:10,644
"hey man, how're doing ?"
12
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wait wait wait, "Michelle" Bergin ?
13
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they're only taking women
14
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what am I gonna do with you "Michelle" ?
15
00:01:18,570 --> 00:01:21,795
here, let me help you with that
16
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oh that's good
why don't you guys just lie right across the steps ?
17
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Pete, look, sarcasm
18
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do you have any idea how happy I am
that women is finally moving out ?
19
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- meanwhile you steal her T.V. guide every week
- oh, like she ever knew
20
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Mrs. Wexler
oh, we're sure gonna miss you
21
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yeah, and your oatmeal butter scottshies
22
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you're such sweet boys
goodbye Peter, so long Berg
23
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:56,111
Mrs. Wexler, we're really sorry to see you leave
24
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I'm sure you are
now how you're gonna know what's on T.V. ?
25
00:02:03,078 --> 00:02:06,572
- happy anniversary
- how did you know ?
26
00:02:06,572 --> 00:02:10,741
- Melissa told me
- ah, you hear that, she's telling the neighbors
27
00:02:11,152 --> 00:02:18,358
Melissa, is that the little school teacher who laughs during intercourse ?
28
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hm, yes that's, hm
yes
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God bless her
I guess she'll be yakking it up on sunday night !
30
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you hear that, Melissa is telling everyone
she's completely out of control
31
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- yeah, we should get someone really great to move in here
- you're right
32
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what're you doing ?
33
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I'll just set up our own stringing process before
anybody even gets to the landlord
34
00:02:51,853 --> 00:02:55,300
and how do you propose to do that ?
35
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I still have Mrs. Wexler spare keys she gave me for emergencies
36
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- and T.V. guides
- shut up
37
00:03:02,499 --> 00:03:05,343
we'll just, show the apartement ourselves
38
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- sneaky, vaguely unethical, uproofed
- wow wow, Pete, Pete, what do you think ?
39
00:03:14,329 --> 00:03:19,260
I don't know, I've only been with her for a year
why is she doing this to me ?
40
00:03:20,503 --> 00:03:24,795
ok, so basically you want someone who's not gonna bug you
someone who travels
41
00:03:24,795 --> 00:03:26,653
someone who travels will be huge
44
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- or even better than a pilot, a stewardess
- they're called flight attendants now Berg
45
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I apologize, that was sexist
46
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no kidding, and I am not about to live next door to some short skirted sky slut
47
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hey, let's take a vote
Pete
48
00:03:55,745 --> 00:04:01,314
- my God, I have to get her a gift
- see, that's two for stewardess
49
00:04:01,314 --> 00:04:04,187
why do I smell peaches ?
50
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:18,569
- Pete, a little help here
- got it
51
00:04:22,712 --> 00:04:29,920
Berg, you've been on the clock for 45 min and you already had 7 slices of pizza
52
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- I'm hungry
- so is my family
53
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3:15, starting to experience an unusual increase of appetite
and Bill's being mean
54
00:04:48,222 --> 00:04:51,551
ahem, you'll never guess where I found our flyer Berg
55
00:04:51,551 --> 00:04:54,009
- at the gym
- at the gym ?
56
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- yeah, in the women's locker room
- no
57
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I don't even wanna know how you got in there !
58
00:05:02,117 --> 00:05:07,220
oh, that reminds me, I've gotta give you your sundress back
59
00:05:07,512 --> 00:05:12,145
hey you guys, look what I just found in the ladies room
isn't this your building ?
60
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:15,341
ok, now that's a coincidence
aw
61
00:05:15,341 --> 00:05:19,919
- yeah, that's our building
- and since when did you become the landlord ?
62
00:05:19,919 --> 00:05:22,919
since we changed the number on forum to send into Sharon's apartment
63
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sneaking into ladies room !
huh, that is just low !
64
00:05:28,425 --> 00:05:32,722
don't get sanctimonious with me missy
where'd put your flyers ?
65
00:05:32,882 --> 00:05:37,848
- we're talking about you now
- I said where ?
66
00:05:37,848 --> 00:05:44,591
couple of monasteries, the yoga institute
67
00:05:44,591 --> 00:05:49,664
- aha, so she wants someone locy and lomate and he wants
- alter babes
68
00:05:49,664 --> 00:05:55,503
- speak of which, you should check you machine
- oh, good idea, I bet dozen of naked women have called by now
69
00:05:55,503 --> 00:06:00,531
look you guys, I'm sure you're gonna find a compromise
well maybe a deaf mute with a double D cup
70
00:06:00,531 --> 00:06:01,347
yummy
71
00:06:01,347 --> 00:06:06,246
I gotta go sweetie, I gotta hit the supply store by 5
monday is paper ma-shay day
72
00:06:06,246 --> 00:06:07,961
you think I don't know that ?
73
00:06:08,761 --> 00:06:11,617
- I can't wait for tomorrow night
- yeah, me too
74
00:06:19,875 --> 00:06:23,573
- man, Sharon what am gonna do ?
- shh, I can't hear
75
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oh, this one must be one of yours
some girl named Honey Labrador
76
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she sounds naked
oops I deleted it
77
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hello, a little help !
78
00:06:36,831 --> 00:06:38,768
- here you go Sharon
- oh, thanks Bill
79
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did I leave, am I here ?
80
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- what ?
- what ?
81
00:06:43,002 --> 00:06:45,136
what am I gonna got Melissa for our anniversary ?
82
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I donno, how about a nice bracelet ?
83
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- are you kidding ?
- what ?
84
00:06:50,071 --> 00:06:59,327
look Sharon, the bracelet as we all know is a large member of the ring family !
and that I'm not ready for
85
00:06:59,327 --> 00:07:01,276
- how about a cappocino maker ?
- ah, that's too intimate
86
00:07:01,276 --> 00:07:05,334
- coffee maker ?
- possibly, if it's a ten cup, but anything smaller well you know
87
00:07:05,334 --> 00:07:07,910
we're celebrating the moment of our lives
88
00:07:09,023 --> 00:07:11,344
hey Bill, what did you get El last year for your anniversary ?
89
00:07:11,344 --> 00:07:17,845
oh, I got this picture of us and put it in a frame
yeah, it was a picture of me and El walking on the beach at the Cap
90
00:07:17,845 --> 00:07:24,172
and I took these little sea shells we collected, and I bleached them,
polished them, glued them around the frame
91
00:07:24,172 --> 00:07:28,499
even sprinkled glitter on them so they can shimmer like the waves
92
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what ?
93
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that is so sweet
see, why don't you do that ?
94
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no, picture says portrait, portrait says family
95
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- and what's wrong with that ?
- I don't want to lead her on
96
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I know, why don't you give her a picture of you in bed with another girl !?
you know, so that it doesn't lead her on !
97
00:07:50,811 --> 00:07:52,445
come on Sharon, I love her
98
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- then a gift should say that, why is so difficult ?
- because I don't want it to say it to much
99
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- you know Pete, nothing says I love you like a pathetic lake of commitment
- Berg, it's saturday, and our anniversary is tomorrow
100
00:08:05,178 --> 00:08:11,640
- Pete, in my experience the gift of saying I love you is all you really need
- I appreciate that Mr. Bauer
101
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- on our anniversary my love and I made something
- and we're on
102
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it started with a little piece of clay
I sat behind her at her potter's wheel as it spun and spun
103
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the wheel is turning faster and faster, our hands working as one, clay flying everywhere
104
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but then, tragically, I was murdered by an embezzling co-worker
my one regret was, I never got to tell her I love her
105
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all I could say was "dido"
106
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in the end it took a hilarious black psychic to bring us together
107
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huh, thanks for the help
108
00:09:15,057 --> 00:09:19,789
- so, how long have you been in the circus ?
- six years
109
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out standin !
110
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- just for our files
- doesn't that hurt ?
111
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- no, not at all, I'm double jointed
- oh, yeay
112
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- ah, can I see the apartment now ?
- you know, it looks just like this one, only with no furniture and a couple of rats
113
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and I think somebody chopped up somebody in the bedroom
it's good meeting you
114
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- I
- byee
115
00:09:53,439 --> 00:09:57,304
she seemed neighborly
116
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you only liked her because she can lick her own back
117
00:10:02,904 --> 00:10:06,749
- and you're saying that's a bad thing ?
- let's just go over our choices
118
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fine
119
00:10:07,655 --> 00:10:16,047
- ok, um now, I'm leaning towards Max Larsen
- no way, he lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows
120
00:10:16,047 --> 00:10:18,455
well, he like his privacy
121
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- because he's a serial killer
- you know Berg, you're being impossible
122
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fine, you know what ?
you just take your little files, and pick the ones you want
123
00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:36,997
because my opinion obviously doesn't mean anything, it's always about you
so just do whatever
124
00:10:37,811 --> 00:10:45,299
what is wrong with you ? you're irritable, you're eating like a pig,
you got teary eyes last night while watching a T.V. commercial
125
00:10:45,299 --> 00:10:49,388
hey, the guy just called to say I love you mom
126
00:10:51,102 --> 00:10:53,834
if I didn't know better I would say you're PMSing
127
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oh, sure, just blame it on PMS Sharon, that is so typical
128
00:11:03,614 --> 00:11:08,582
- I found it, I got Melissa the perfect gift
- good for you
129
00:11:08,850 --> 00:11:10,810
- haha
- it's a toster
130
00:11:10,810 --> 00:11:16,961
yeah, I need you to wrap it for me
and, I'm taking her for a romantic dinner at "La Boème"
131
00:11:16,961 --> 00:11:20,545
I don't know, that toaster is gonna be a tough act to follow
132
00:11:21,968 --> 00:11:27,377
see, she's been complaining about her toaster for a few months,
so this just shows her that I'm listening
133
00:11:27,377 --> 00:11:36,194
- yeah, I'm sure that what she's gonna take away from it
- look Sharon, this gift says everything that I wanted to say
134
00:11:36,194 --> 00:11:39,980
what, that you passed Sears on your way home ?
135
00:11:40,989 --> 00:11:45,540
- hello, anybody home ?
- ok, that's her, you watch, she'll love it
136
00:11:46,075 --> 00:11:49,034
- hey guys
- wow, you look great
137
00:11:49,034 --> 00:11:51,907
ok, I was so excited about giving you my gift I couldn't wait another minute
138
00:11:51,907 --> 00:11:57,635
- I put a lot of thought into you gift too
- I'm sure I'll love it, just, open yours
139
00:11:59,786 --> 00:12:03,608
- keys !
- keys, to my apartment
140
00:12:03,608 --> 00:12:08,389
- sweetie, I already have keys to your apartment
- no you don't, because these are keys to my new apartment
141
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apartment D, upstairs
can you believe it ?
142
00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:18,598
it's just, it never would've occurred to me
if it hasn't been for Sharon and Berg
143
00:12:18,598 --> 00:12:25,806
I mean, I knew guys would want someone you'd like,
so I tracked down the landlord, and well here I am
144
00:12:28,034 --> 00:12:29,804
Pete got you a toaster
145
00:12:34,134 --> 00:12:39,918
how can you medical people go around playing fast and loose
with something like estrogen ?
146
00:12:40,895 --> 00:12:50,471
well, I'm sorry I lied, but you've gotta help me
I'm in a bad way, I'm taping "guiding light" man
147
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:56,632
- so what'd he say ?
- this PMS thing can sometimes last for several days
148
00:12:57,224 --> 00:12:58,594
really ?
149
00:13:01,543 --> 00:13:04,505
are we too moody to work ?
150
00:13:05,710 --> 00:13:06,762
hey, how's it going ?
151
00:13:06,762 --> 00:13:07,869
- bloated
- good
152
00:13:09,568 --> 00:13:14,599
you know what ? thanks to you two, I have been at the store all day looking at dust-ruffles
153
00:13:15,287 --> 00:13:21,233
- really
- yeah, if you too haven't been playing landlord, hanging up flyers all over Boston
154
00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:23,342
I wouldn't have a girlfriend for an upstairs neighbor
155
00:13:23,342 --> 00:13:29,438
oh, you know, this could be good for you
when Melissa takes that apartment, you're closer, you spend more time together
156
00:13:29,438 --> 00:13:33,164
before you know, you're moving in, and after that, well, people boy
157
00:13:33,702 --> 00:13:40,217
I'll be honored to have your engagement party right here at Beacon's street pizza
we take prices of course
158
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- my God, he's right
- we're not gonna have the party here
159
00:13:47,652 --> 00:13:53,194
- no Melissa, this is way ahead of my schedule, she can't move in
- why not ? she meets my requirements
160
00:13:53,194 --> 00:13:56,436
she's quite, she's single jointed
161
00:13:56,770 --> 00:14:00,918
nothing to it, I, am holding out for the back-licker
162
00:14:02,653 --> 00:14:04,996
face it Berg, I win
163
00:14:05,488 --> 00:14:16,442
oh yeah, Sharon, imagine living next door to someone who comes home from work everyday
happy and fulfilled from molding the minds of children
164
00:14:16,442 --> 00:14:22,068
after you've spent your day selling chemicals that soften the eggs of penguins !
165
00:14:23,232 --> 00:14:25,512
I'll kill myself, Melissa can't move in
166
00:14:25,841 --> 00:14:29,143
- Pete, you've got to tell her
- I can't, she'll hate me
167
00:14:29,143 --> 00:14:33,378
Pete my boy, I think I'm maybe able to shed some light on your situation
168
00:14:34,569 --> 00:14:36,639
you're screwed, fill her up Bill
169
00:14:41,328 --> 00:14:43,030
she said six, it's six
170
00:14:43,263 --> 00:14:47,357
- maybe she changed her mind, maybe she decided
- you're kidding yourself
171
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I've got to fire somebody
172
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- oh, my, God
- Mrs. Wexler !
173
00:14:57,688 --> 00:15:00,381
that explains all the cookies !
174
00:15:00,729 --> 00:15:04,691
hey neighbors
who wants a brownie ?
175
00:15:04,691 --> 00:15:07,222
doesn't seem like she changed her mind !
176
00:15:07,222 --> 00:15:10,319
- ok Berg, go on
- fine I'm just waiting for the right moment
177
00:15:10,319 --> 00:15:14,040
and when would that be, my wedding ?
Sharon, go, come on, go
178
00:15:14,631 --> 00:15:18,902
ah, Melissa, look, yeah, I think there's something you wanna know, ahm
179
00:15:19,980 --> 00:15:22,699
I can't get to sleep at night until I blast my stereo really
180
00:15:26,674 --> 00:15:32,788
- that's really good
- thanks, I love baking you know, cakes, cookies, pies, anything
181
00:15:32,788 --> 00:15:35,883
- really, it's moist
- oh, thank you
182
00:15:37,401 --> 00:15:41,051
- what're you doing there ?
- oh, just taking on the release valve on disposal
183
00:15:41,051 --> 00:15:45,956
- it's always the first thing to go
- you bake and you plumb ?
184
00:15:45,956 --> 00:15:51,001
sure, shower heads, toilets, Pete showed me, it's really very simple
185
00:15:51,425 --> 00:15:55,619
wow, I'm very impressed, I'll keep the music down
186
00:15:56,107 --> 00:15:59,223
I also know CPR, fire safety and flood control
187
00:15:59,223 --> 00:16:03,328
this girl's amazing, she's like super neighbor !
188
00:16:04,455 --> 00:16:10,670
you're out, you lost your stuff kid
I'll take it from here
189
00:16:11,672 --> 00:16:18,330
look, Melissa, when this apartment came open, I saw this is a real opportunity
for me to meet someone
190
00:16:18,438 --> 00:16:27,869
now, this has nothing to do with not wanting you in the building
but but these
191
00:16:28,523 --> 00:16:33,939
oven mints they've gotta go !
I mean, little utters ?
192
00:16:34,971 --> 00:16:37,453
a good mint should be more functional than decorative
193
00:16:37,453 --> 00:16:42,524
when people ask me who is Melissa, I don't wanna have to say
she's the girl with the cow oven mints !
194
00:16:42,826 --> 00:16:47,786
I mean, oven mints shouldn't make that kind of statement
and point frankly I don't know who would want to !
195
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damn, I promised myself I wouldn't cry
196
00:16:54,894 --> 00:16:58,733
God, what is wrong with you Berg ?
you're ranting !
197
00:16:58,733 --> 00:17:01,246
Melissa, I don't want you to move in here
198
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yes, we're coming
199
00:17:15,843 --> 00:17:19,058
- don't just stand there, say something
- like what ?
200
00:17:19,982 --> 00:17:22,270
like I've just got punched in the stomach ?
201
00:17:22,270 --> 00:17:23,879
- Melissa, how could you spring something like this on me
202
00:17:23,879 --> 00:17:26,013
- spring something ? I sprang this on you ?
203
00:17:26,013 --> 00:17:30,043
- yeah, you did, you put me in a really uncomfortable position
- oh God, I'm really sorry Pete
204
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:35,412
- oh, how many times have we discussed living together ?
- I know, but nothing about next door
205
00:17:36,083 --> 00:17:38,846
ok, I thought this at least would be a step, you know
206
00:17:39,253 --> 00:00:18,433
- it's a pretty big step
- you bought me a toaster
207
00:17:42,732 --> 00:17:47,553
I thought wow wow, at least he's listening to me you know
I mean a gift where it says something
208
00:17:47,553 --> 00:17:53,568
and a toaster says, I wanna make breakfast for you
I wanna spent my life with you
209
00:17:55,791 --> 00:18:00,966
- I guess sometimes a toaster is just a toaster
- oh look Melissa, this is silly
210
00:18:00,966 --> 00:18:05,600
I mean think about it, if we weren't having this stupid anniversary,
everything would be fine
211
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you know, we'd go out to dinner, we'd go the movies, we'd go to Carvel
212
00:18:09,142 --> 00:18:12,208
it's not enough anymore, a relationship has to keep going
213
00:18:12,208 --> 00:18:17,002
- it's like a shark you know, when a shark stops swimming
- it dies, I know
214
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:18,470
and we've stopped swimming
215
00:18:20,566 --> 00:18:22,544
ok, which leaves us where ?
216
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:25,780
dead
217
00:18:30,019 --> 00:18:32,610
wait wait wait, come on Melissa, maybe we just need a little break
218
00:18:32,610 --> 00:18:37,429
no, no, we've done that, it doesn't work you know,
we just wind up getting back together again and then
219
00:18:37,429 --> 00:18:39,776
breaking up and then getting back together again and
220
00:18:39,776 --> 00:18:44,938
I know, but that's just because
you have the
221
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:53,484
- I donno
- why is that Pete ?
222
00:18:58,369 --> 00:19:03,185
Melissa I'm sorry
look, I'm sorry
223
00:19:04,441 --> 00:19:13,138
look, I'm not saying this is all your fault
I just can't live in this anymore
224
00:19:13,721 --> 00:19:16,181
is just, hurts too much
225
00:19:29,326 --> 00:19:31,021
happy anniversary Pete
226
00:19:46,499 --> 00:19:47,915
- bloating ?
- gone
227
00:19:48,610 --> 00:19:50,154
- appetite ?
- normal
228
00:19:51,143 --> 00:19:53,309
- emotional ?
- yes
229
00:19:55,997 --> 00:19:56,958
I'm kidding
230
00:19:58,125 --> 00:19:58,854
hey Pete
231
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:02,567
- what you got there ?
- ah, stuff from Melissa's apartment
232
00:20:03,226 --> 00:20:06,338
- you ok ?
- it kinda sucks but
233
00:20:06,338 --> 00:20:10,286
- yeah I know
- you know I keep telling myself it was for the best
234
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,712
anybody wanna back me up on that ?
235
00:20:16,575 --> 00:20:19,071
so, how'd guys leave it, still gonna talk ?
236
00:20:19,430 --> 00:20:21,774
yeah we're still friends, we've been through a lot
237
00:20:22,288 --> 00:20:24,559
- so what am I suppose to do ?
- yeah Pete
238
00:20:24,848 --> 00:20:28,536
I hope you and Melissa really gave some thought to how this is gonna affect Berg
239
00:20:29,399 --> 00:20:34,288
no no no, what am I suppose to do when I see her,
around the neighborhood or the pizza place ?
240
00:20:34,288 --> 00:20:39,433
do I like, hide behind a mail box, do I say hello, do I try to trip her ?
241
00:20:40,474 --> 00:20:45,780
you say hi to her you big dummy, when she comes into the pizza place,
you treat her like everybody else
242
00:20:45,915 --> 00:20:49,994
yeah, you screw up her order and give her the wrong change
243
00:20:51,282 --> 00:20:56,355
- you realize of course this is all of Berg's fault ?
- yeah I know, no kidding, thanks for introducing me to her
244
00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:59,352
hey, I told you to date her, not to get involved with her
245
00:21:00,444 --> 00:21:04,182
fair enough
hey, boroz game ? five minutes ?
246
00:21:04,111 --> 00:21:04,703
ok
247
00:21:11,819 --> 00:21:14,346
- you know what Pete really needs right now ?
- what ?
248
00:21:14,824 --> 00:21:17,055
- compassion
- no kidding
249
00:21:17,511 --> 00:21:19,998
and a hot stewardess to move in
250
00:21:26,956 --> 00:21:32,947
- huh, God, her belly button is double jointed
- left foot green
251
00:21:38,248 --> 00:21:42,344
- huh, you guys are so losing
- and loving it
24305
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