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1
00:00:01,700 --> 00:00:05,137
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,204 --> 00:00:08,340
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,474 --> 00:00:12,244
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,311 --> 00:00:15,247
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:15,314 --> 00:00:18,684
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,750 --> 00:00:21,854
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,954 --> 00:00:23,589
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,655 --> 00:00:24,857
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,957 --> 00:00:30,796
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,533 --> 00:00:36,735
(indistinct chatter)
11
00:00:38,137 --> 00:00:39,671
Welcome to our home,
12
00:00:39,772 --> 00:00:42,908
and thank you all so much
for coming to celebrate
13
00:00:42,975 --> 00:00:46,278
our dear Lois
and her wonderful husband,
14
00:00:46,378 --> 00:00:47,846
uh, Peter.
15
00:00:47,946 --> 00:00:51,049
I know Carter wanted
to say a few words.
16
00:00:51,116 --> 00:00:52,718
Poor, unfunny, fat.
17
00:00:52,785 --> 00:00:54,586
Oh, and the sprinklers
come on at 4:00.
18
00:00:54,686 --> 00:00:57,022
I don't know how to change that,
so we have until then.
19
00:00:57,089 --> 00:00:58,490
Beautifully said.
20
00:00:58,590 --> 00:01:00,058
Wow.
21
00:01:00,159 --> 00:01:01,527
Lot of years for us.
22
00:01:01,593 --> 00:01:02,394
Uh-huh.
23
00:01:02,528 --> 00:01:03,529
Hey, so what do you think
about dinner?
24
00:01:03,595 --> 00:01:06,565
Oh, God, I'm so tired
of thinking about dinner.
25
00:01:06,632 --> 00:01:07,366
I-I don't know.
26
00:01:07,433 --> 00:01:08,634
Well, what are you
in the mood for?
27
00:01:08,734 --> 00:01:10,269
Okay, that's just
another version
28
00:01:10,369 --> 00:01:11,770
of the same question.
29
00:01:11,837 --> 00:01:13,939
Oh, I've collected
nine finalists
30
00:01:14,039 --> 00:01:16,041
for our new end table.
We should talk.
31
00:01:16,108 --> 00:01:19,244
Will each one be instantly
overcrowded by three items?
32
00:01:19,311 --> 00:01:21,380
- Absolutely.
- Great.
33
00:01:21,447 --> 00:01:23,515
So where did we land,
dinner-wise?
34
00:01:23,582 --> 00:01:25,384
If I could have
everyone's attention,
35
00:01:25,451 --> 00:01:27,386
it's time to present
Peter and Lois
36
00:01:27,453 --> 00:01:29,855
with a very special
anniversary gift.
37
00:01:29,955 --> 00:01:32,691
Yes, we really went all out
this year.
38
00:01:32,758 --> 00:01:35,561
Okay, "we" is
an insane characterization,
39
00:01:35,661 --> 00:01:36,762
but here it is.
40
00:01:36,829 --> 00:01:39,064
A brand-new Range Rider!
41
00:01:40,632 --> 00:01:42,167
That's it? Aw, crap.
42
00:01:42,234 --> 00:01:44,503
It looked so much bigger
in the SkyMall magazine.
43
00:01:44,570 --> 00:01:46,071
QUAGMIRE:
That's a rookie move, man!
44
00:01:46,138 --> 00:01:49,108
Lois, I'm sorry. I-I didn't
realize it was a toy car
45
00:01:49,208 --> 00:01:50,275
for a child. I can...
46
00:01:50,342 --> 00:01:51,944
It's fine, Daddy. Really.
47
00:01:52,044 --> 00:01:54,513
I-I bet Stewie
might enjoy playing with it.
48
00:01:54,580 --> 00:01:56,315
Will there be, like...
49
00:01:56,415 --> 00:01:58,217
a replacement gift or no?
50
00:01:58,250 --> 00:02:01,286
That's very sweet, Lois.
Always thinking of others.
51
00:02:01,353 --> 00:02:02,354
Amazon gift card?
52
00:02:02,421 --> 00:02:03,956
It's the thought
that counts, Daddy.
53
00:02:04,022 --> 00:02:05,791
And it was a very nice thought.
54
00:02:05,858 --> 00:02:07,659
$20 bill cupped in a handshake?
55
00:02:07,726 --> 00:02:09,895
I'm gonna go change
out of this wet suit.
56
00:02:09,962 --> 00:02:10,696
Mwah.
57
00:02:10,762 --> 00:02:13,932
Wow! A white Range Rider SUV!
58
00:02:13,999 --> 00:02:16,869
Hey, what was Ari's wife's name
on Entourage?
59
00:02:16,935 --> 00:02:18,670
Eh, can't remember.
Doesn't matter.
60
00:02:18,737 --> 00:02:20,439
I'm Ari's wife.
61
00:02:20,539 --> 00:02:22,641
Good work today,
Mom Bathing Suit.
62
00:02:22,708 --> 00:02:24,343
See you on Labor Day.
63
00:02:26,545 --> 00:02:27,679
Nah, I'll wash it off.
64
00:02:27,780 --> 00:02:30,082
It's my fault
for over-guac'ing the chip.
65
00:02:30,149 --> 00:02:31,116
Aah!
66
00:02:31,216 --> 00:02:33,185
Aah! Joe! I'm in here!
67
00:02:33,285 --> 00:02:34,853
Sorry, I didn't realize!
68
00:02:35,888 --> 00:02:37,956
♪ ♪
69
00:02:38,056 --> 00:02:40,125
(gasping)
70
00:02:40,192 --> 00:02:42,027
I'm sorry! I'm leaving!
71
00:02:42,094 --> 00:02:45,764
Ugh. I feel more violated
than Ms. Pac-Man.
72
00:02:45,831 --> 00:02:48,033
(8-bit music playing)
73
00:03:04,683 --> 00:03:07,286
So, Lois, you would not believe
74
00:03:07,386 --> 00:03:09,254
the night Joe and I had
last night.
75
00:03:09,321 --> 00:03:10,456
Oh. Really?
76
00:03:10,622 --> 00:03:15,427
Yeah. It was easily some of the
best sex of our entire marriage.
77
00:03:15,461 --> 00:03:17,362
And for the first time
in nine years,
78
00:03:17,429 --> 00:03:19,665
Joe was able to achieve manhood.
79
00:03:19,731 --> 00:03:22,634
You know, without a pill,
a shot or a pump.
80
00:03:22,734 --> 00:03:25,070
Oh, you-you don't say.
81
00:03:25,104 --> 00:03:28,173
It was crazy. I can't even count
all the different positions
82
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:31,510
Joe let me carefully arrange
his limp body into.
83
00:03:31,610 --> 00:03:33,378
Oh, wow, I'm so happy
84
00:03:33,479 --> 00:03:36,048
you two were able
to rekindle that spark.
85
00:03:36,115 --> 00:03:37,049
(phone chimes)
86
00:03:37,116 --> 00:03:38,250
Whoops, got to go.
87
00:03:38,317 --> 00:03:39,651
I've got lunch with the girls.
88
00:03:39,718 --> 00:03:42,254
W... (chuckles) I thought
I was one of the girls.
89
00:03:42,387 --> 00:03:44,323
You're one of the gals.
90
00:03:45,257 --> 00:03:46,391
(door opens, closes)
91
00:03:46,458 --> 00:03:48,060
Oh, no. What am I gonna do?
92
00:03:48,127 --> 00:03:51,964
I bet Joe was only able to do it
'cause he was thinkin' of me.
93
00:03:52,030 --> 00:03:53,098
Chris?
94
00:03:53,198 --> 00:03:56,602
I've been caught,
but I'll never be sorry.
95
00:03:56,668 --> 00:04:00,272
Boy, I went hard at my fat guys'
wrestling club today.
96
00:04:00,339 --> 00:04:01,406
(sloshing)
97
00:04:01,473 --> 00:04:06,145
I understood that with
great reward comes great risk.
98
00:04:06,211 --> 00:04:08,213
♪ ♪
99
00:04:16,054 --> 00:04:18,357
Hey, Bri,
check out my new "hwhip."
100
00:04:18,457 --> 00:04:19,658
Pretty cool, huh?
101
00:04:19,725 --> 00:04:20,659
You might even say
it's a cool hwhi...
102
00:04:20,759 --> 00:04:22,795
- Yeah, I'm not doing that.
- Aw, you're no fun.
103
00:04:22,895 --> 00:04:25,164
I will say though, seems like
you're really embracing
104
00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:26,899
the Range Rider lifestyle.
105
00:04:26,965 --> 00:04:28,200
Oh, this thing's the best.
106
00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:30,869
J.D. Power and Associates
called it the best car
107
00:04:30,969 --> 00:04:33,672
for slamming on your brakes
at a crosswalk while texting.
108
00:04:33,772 --> 00:04:35,674
Would you believe
this is the same model
109
00:04:35,774 --> 00:04:38,143
Reese Witherspoon
yells at her husband in?
110
00:04:38,243 --> 00:04:39,511
I would believe that, yes.
111
00:04:39,611 --> 00:04:41,647
Look! You can even change
the navigation system
112
00:04:41,713 --> 00:04:42,915
to be her voice.
113
00:04:42,981 --> 00:04:45,117
WITHERSPOON:
I am an American citizen.
114
00:04:45,184 --> 00:04:46,385
Turn left at the light.
115
00:04:46,485 --> 00:04:48,253
The only thing is,
eight different people
116
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:49,488
spoke to me in Farsi.
117
00:04:49,555 --> 00:04:51,056
I think they just
assumed I'm Persian.
118
00:04:51,123 --> 00:04:53,692
- Seems right.
- There's a whole section of the owner's manual
119
00:04:53,759 --> 00:04:55,894
that's very anti-Israel.
120
00:04:56,695 --> 00:04:57,830
Aren't you forgetting
your dry cleaning?
121
00:04:57,896 --> 00:04:58,864
Oh, Carmen will get that.
122
00:04:58,997 --> 00:05:00,999
- Who's Carmen?
-(gasps) Oh, my God. You're right.
123
00:05:01,066 --> 00:05:02,101
It's Rosalita.
124
00:05:02,201 --> 00:05:04,736
That stays on this curb.
125
00:05:04,803 --> 00:05:08,040
Rosalita!
¿Cómo está?
126
00:05:11,276 --> 00:05:13,645
-(somber music playing)
- I'm Sarah McLachlan.
127
00:05:13,712 --> 00:05:15,914
And for just one dollar a day,
128
00:05:15,981 --> 00:05:19,518
you can help save one of these
abused and terrified grips
129
00:05:19,585 --> 00:05:21,320
from The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
130
00:05:21,386 --> 00:05:24,923
Whether it's a teamster
sobbing in his car after work
131
00:05:24,990 --> 00:05:28,227
or a camera operator having a
sandwich slapped out of his hand
132
00:05:28,293 --> 00:05:30,229
just for making eye contact,
133
00:05:30,295 --> 00:05:31,730
they need your help.
134
00:05:31,830 --> 00:05:33,866
So, please, give today.
135
00:05:33,932 --> 00:05:36,001
Because no one should
have to spend Thanksgiving
136
00:05:36,068 --> 00:05:38,771
watching a millionaire
try on sweaters.
137
00:05:38,837 --> 00:05:41,507
Kids, you really got to clean
the dog poop off your shoes
138
00:05:41,573 --> 00:05:42,574
right when it happens.
139
00:05:42,674 --> 00:05:45,277
It's so much harder
to get it off once it's dried.
140
00:05:45,344 --> 00:05:48,781
You're more than welcome
to return to the workforce.
141
00:05:50,716 --> 00:05:52,785
(to the tune of
"Turning Japanese"): ♪ I think I'm cleaning diarrhea ♪
142
00:05:52,851 --> 00:05:54,586
♪ I think I'm cleaning
diarrhea ♪
143
00:05:54,653 --> 00:05:56,522
♪ I really think so. ♪
144
00:05:56,588 --> 00:05:59,124
(humming the tune)
145
00:06:00,592 --> 00:06:02,027
♪ ♪
146
00:06:02,094 --> 00:06:03,228
(gasps)
147
00:06:04,296 --> 00:06:07,099
♪ ♪
148
00:06:26,218 --> 00:06:27,953
Hey, Bon! You busy?!
149
00:06:28,086 --> 00:06:29,521
BONNIE:
Should I get the pump?
150
00:06:29,588 --> 00:06:31,123
No need!
151
00:06:31,223 --> 00:06:33,091
Let's do this!
152
00:06:33,158 --> 00:06:36,662
Lois Griffin, you are
adding spice to that marriage.
153
00:06:36,762 --> 00:06:37,963
Wow, look at me,
154
00:06:38,063 --> 00:06:40,199
making a difference
for those in need.
155
00:06:40,265 --> 00:06:43,769
Would you like to add a dollar
to your bill to fight cancer?
156
00:06:43,836 --> 00:06:47,206
No. I gave a disabled guy
an erection.
157
00:06:57,382 --> 00:06:58,584
Okay.
158
00:06:58,684 --> 00:07:01,720
Now time to work
some of that magic on my man.
159
00:07:01,787 --> 00:07:04,123
PETER:
Hey, Lois! Lois, check it out!
160
00:07:04,189 --> 00:07:05,524
I think James Cromwell
161
00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:07,292
is on this
Little House on the Prairie.
162
00:07:07,392 --> 00:07:08,627
(shudders)
163
00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:09,995
(inhales deeply)
164
00:07:10,095 --> 00:07:11,797
(sighs)
165
00:07:11,864 --> 00:07:14,133
(saxophone playing sultrily)
166
00:07:16,935 --> 00:07:20,372
Actually, what do you say
tonight I turn the TV off
167
00:07:20,472 --> 00:07:22,274
and turn you on?
168
00:07:22,307 --> 00:07:23,375
What are you, drunk?
169
00:07:23,475 --> 00:07:24,510
And where are the Wet Ones?
170
00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:26,512
You know
I need a cautionary wipe.
171
00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:28,680
Stop throwing 'em out
in the bedside trash!
172
00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,516
- I don't!
- The hell you don...
173
00:07:30,649 --> 00:07:32,551
(chuckles softly)
I mean,
174
00:07:32,618 --> 00:07:33,886
it's all right.
175
00:07:33,952 --> 00:07:36,188
Let's not talk about that, hmm?
176
00:07:36,321 --> 00:07:40,058
Let's talk about how steamy
it's getting in here.
177
00:07:40,192 --> 00:07:42,594
Ah, that would be
a Bertucci's burp cloud
178
00:07:42,694 --> 00:07:44,930
with a Mr. Pibb
fart cloud chaser.
179
00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:47,065
Hence the need for Wet Ones.
180
00:07:47,132 --> 00:07:48,834
(sighs)
181
00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:50,335
Hey, uh, while you're in there,
182
00:07:50,402 --> 00:07:51,770
will you sign
Meg's permission slip
183
00:07:51,837 --> 00:07:53,205
for the Historic Slater Mill?
184
00:07:53,272 --> 00:07:56,608
I left it at the foot
of the toilet between my shoes.
185
00:08:01,713 --> 00:08:03,649
WITHERSPOON:
I don't have to show you my ID.
186
00:08:03,749 --> 00:08:05,083
I'm Reese Witherspoon.
187
00:08:05,184 --> 00:08:07,486
You have arrived
at your destination.
188
00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:08,687
Oh, thank God.
189
00:08:08,787 --> 00:08:10,389
Stewie, you-you got...
190
00:08:10,456 --> 00:08:11,490
you got my texts.
191
00:08:11,590 --> 00:08:13,025
Yeah, didn't so much "get" them
192
00:08:13,091 --> 00:08:15,828
as was "panic-startled awake"
by them.
193
00:08:15,894 --> 00:08:17,996
I just... I really am...
194
00:08:18,063 --> 00:08:20,699
is in no condition
to drive home.
195
00:08:20,766 --> 00:08:22,768
It was dog trivia night.
196
00:08:22,868 --> 00:08:24,470
People kept buying me shots.
197
00:08:24,536 --> 00:08:25,904
I-I almost...
(gags)
198
00:08:25,971 --> 00:08:27,973
Oh, God. Oh, pull...
Uh, pull over! Pull over!
199
00:08:28,073 --> 00:08:29,274
-(gagging)
- Aah! Are you gonna puke?!
200
00:08:29,341 --> 00:08:30,175
Aah! Not in the car!
201
00:08:30,242 --> 00:08:33,245
Here, here,
aim it into this TCBY cup.
202
00:08:34,913 --> 00:08:36,949
(panting)
203
00:08:39,084 --> 00:08:40,519
(sighs)
204
00:08:40,586 --> 00:08:42,321
Okay. Okay.
205
00:08:42,387 --> 00:08:44,123
(gags)
Okay. I'm okay.
206
00:08:45,824 --> 00:08:47,826
- You good?
- Yeah. Sorry. For a second...
207
00:08:47,893 --> 00:08:50,829
Aah! No!
In the yogurt cup, Brian!
208
00:08:50,896 --> 00:08:52,264
No, not on the seats!
209
00:08:52,331 --> 00:08:53,565
The cup! The cup!
210
00:08:53,632 --> 00:08:55,834
(panting)
211
00:08:57,035 --> 00:08:59,037
Look, this is gonna sound
racist, but...
212
00:08:59,104 --> 00:09:01,240
- Stop.
- No, no, hear me out. It's just...
213
00:09:01,306 --> 00:09:02,641
- Stop.
- All I'm saying is...
214
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:03,675
- Stop. Stop.
- It's j...
215
00:09:03,742 --> 00:09:05,210
Norwegians can't dance.
216
00:09:05,310 --> 00:09:08,680
Oh. That's actually not as bad
as I thought it would be.
217
00:09:11,483 --> 00:09:13,185
It is clearly
he has not seen me dance
218
00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:16,388
around the skensen tree
on Julaften for true, ja?
219
00:09:16,455 --> 00:09:20,793
Ja, we can do hopping
like lutefisk in the almond pot.
220
00:09:20,859 --> 00:09:21,794
ANNOUNCER:
Family Guy--
221
00:09:21,860 --> 00:09:24,263
we googled Norway for this joke.
222
00:09:26,298 --> 00:09:28,801
I manage the entire
Teacher Appreciation Night
223
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:30,903
and I'm supposed to accept
second vice president?
224
00:09:30,936 --> 00:09:32,371
They are disrespecting you, Donna.
225
00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:33,806
They are disrespecting you.
226
00:09:33,872 --> 00:09:35,874
No doubt. What about you?
227
00:09:35,941 --> 00:09:38,110
Did the airline give you
the Miami route yet?
228
00:09:38,210 --> 00:09:39,778
They say I'm "next in line."
229
00:09:39,812 --> 00:09:41,747
They are disrespecting you, Glenn.
230
00:09:41,814 --> 00:09:44,683
They are disrespecting you.
231
00:09:44,783 --> 00:09:46,084
Okay, see you next week.
232
00:09:46,151 --> 00:09:46,985
Yeah, you will.
233
00:09:47,085 --> 00:09:49,121
And thanks
for signing my Facebook petition
234
00:09:49,221 --> 00:09:50,155
about the speed bumps.
235
00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:51,290
We'll get 'em.
236
00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:54,593
What the hell?
237
00:09:57,262 --> 00:09:58,497
All right, Joe,
238
00:09:58,564 --> 00:10:00,332
it's showtime.
239
00:10:00,399 --> 00:10:01,400
What is she doing?
240
00:10:01,467 --> 00:10:02,835
It's not even sunny.
241
00:10:02,968 --> 00:10:05,003
♪ ♪
242
00:10:08,974 --> 00:10:12,611
Oh, my God. She's putting on
some kind of weird show for Joe.
243
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:13,812
This is a betrayal.
244
00:10:13,879 --> 00:10:15,247
Peter deserves to know.
245
00:10:15,347 --> 00:10:17,015
He deserves to know right away.
246
00:10:17,082 --> 00:10:18,350
(phone buzzing)
247
00:10:19,751 --> 00:10:22,254
Ugh. Don't make me do
a voice call.
248
00:10:23,088 --> 00:10:25,357
I'll fire him a text
down the line.
249
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,362
Hey, thanks for coming out
with just me, Peter.
250
00:10:30,395 --> 00:10:33,499
There's something very important
I need to talk to you about.
251
00:10:33,532 --> 00:10:35,434
(gasps)
Am I...
252
00:10:35,501 --> 00:10:36,635
adopted?
253
00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:38,403
What? No. What?
254
00:10:38,437 --> 00:10:39,538
Are you getting divorced?
255
00:10:39,638 --> 00:10:40,672
I'm not even married.
256
00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:42,908
We're moving again,
'cause of the Army?
257
00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:44,143
Well, it's a big move up for me
258
00:10:44,209 --> 00:10:45,544
and you're gonna get
your own room and...
259
00:10:45,677 --> 00:10:47,679
I mean, no! No!
That-That's not... Look, look.
260
00:10:47,746 --> 00:10:49,181
What I'm trying to tell you
261
00:10:49,281 --> 00:10:51,683
is I saw Lois strutting around
your front yard,
262
00:10:51,784 --> 00:10:53,786
basically putting on
a sex show for Joe.
263
00:10:53,852 --> 00:10:55,053
And he was into it.
264
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,389
What? He-he was?
265
00:10:57,489 --> 00:10:58,257
Are you sure?
266
00:10:58,390 --> 00:11:00,259
Trust me, Peter,
when it comes to sex,
267
00:11:00,392 --> 00:11:01,693
I know what I'm talking about.
268
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:04,963
L-Like, did you know 46%
of people picture someone else
269
00:11:05,063 --> 00:11:06,598
when they're having sex
with their spouse?
270
00:11:06,665 --> 00:11:08,267
Wow, did you read that
in an article?
271
00:11:08,367 --> 00:11:10,102
No, I do all my own research.
272
00:11:10,202 --> 00:11:12,070
(moaning)
273
00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:14,106
(quietly): Who are you
thinking of right now?
274
00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:15,741
Um, Chris Pine.
275
00:11:15,808 --> 00:11:18,310
- Huh. He's doing well
this cycle. -(moans)
276
00:11:19,645 --> 00:11:22,815
Damn it. I'll teach Joe
to ogle my wife.
277
00:11:24,149 --> 00:11:25,184
Oh, hey, Peter.
278
00:11:25,250 --> 00:11:27,453
What are you clenching
in that fist there?
279
00:11:27,519 --> 00:11:28,754
-(grunts)
-(groans)
280
00:11:30,722 --> 00:11:34,193
Well, that was sadder
than what I was going for.
281
00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:37,696
Well, least it's over.
282
00:11:38,764 --> 00:11:42,734
Oh, God, those are all
"final notice" wheelchair bills.
283
00:11:44,503 --> 00:11:46,271
Not a good day for Joe.
284
00:11:49,942 --> 00:11:52,945
Not... a good day... for Joe.
285
00:11:58,750 --> 00:12:00,652
Peter, this is insane.
286
00:12:00,786 --> 00:12:03,122
I can't believe you would
beat up your own friend.
287
00:12:03,188 --> 00:12:04,289
Well, can you blame me?
288
00:12:04,323 --> 00:12:05,390
After the sick show
289
00:12:05,457 --> 00:12:06,992
you two were putting on
out there?
290
00:12:07,059 --> 00:12:07,826
Fine, Peter.
291
00:12:07,926 --> 00:12:10,028
So what if I was
putting on a show?
292
00:12:10,095 --> 00:12:12,030
At least someone
was in the audience.
293
00:12:12,097 --> 00:12:15,667
And maybe ask yourself why
I'd even feel I have to do that.
294
00:12:15,734 --> 00:12:17,903
I come out of the bathroom
in my underwear last night
295
00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:20,639
and all you want to do
is look at James Cromwell.
296
00:12:20,706 --> 00:12:22,641
It was weird.
He had most of his hair.
297
00:12:22,708 --> 00:12:24,910
You don't find me
attractive anymore.
298
00:12:25,010 --> 00:12:27,479
Oh, come on,
it's not you-- it's time.
299
00:12:27,546 --> 00:12:28,881
After all these years
of marriage,
300
00:12:28,947 --> 00:12:32,184
your naked body has pretty much
no effect on me anymore.
301
00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:35,387
It's basically like staring
at a chair from the DMV.
302
00:12:35,454 --> 00:12:38,457
Well, sue me for trying
to help reignite the passion
303
00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:40,159
in another couple's marriage.
304
00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:41,960
I can't seem to do it in my own.
305
00:12:42,027 --> 00:12:43,328
That's not what you're doing.
306
00:12:43,395 --> 00:12:44,496
You're flaunting yourself
307
00:12:44,563 --> 00:12:45,631
in front
of the whole neighborhood
308
00:12:45,731 --> 00:12:47,299
just to boost your own ego.
309
00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:49,234
(sighs)
All right, Peter,
310
00:12:49,334 --> 00:12:50,636
I'll be honest with you.
311
00:12:50,702 --> 00:12:52,671
We're moving again,
'cause of the Army?
312
00:12:52,771 --> 00:12:55,140
What? No.
We're talking about Joe.
313
00:12:55,207 --> 00:12:58,310
Oh, right. We're moving again
cause Joe's in the Army.
314
00:13:00,179 --> 00:13:02,714
-(groans)
- I don't want to move to Omaha.
315
00:13:02,781 --> 00:13:05,117
My friends are here.
316
00:13:11,423 --> 00:13:12,424
What is this?
317
00:13:12,491 --> 00:13:13,725
What do you think you're doing?
318
00:13:13,792 --> 00:13:15,527
Not that it's any
of your business, Lois,
319
00:13:15,627 --> 00:13:17,229
but I'm fighting fire with fire.
320
00:13:17,296 --> 00:13:19,731
Now, if you need me,
I'll be chopping wood out front
321
00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:22,101
when all the stroller moms
go by.
322
00:13:23,569 --> 00:13:26,705
♪ ♪
323
00:13:26,805 --> 00:13:27,573
Oh.
324
00:13:27,673 --> 00:13:28,941
- That's right, ladies.
- Oh, my.
325
00:13:29,007 --> 00:13:30,676
-(gasps) Oh.
- I'll be here all morning,
326
00:13:30,776 --> 00:13:32,177
turning small pieces of wood
327
00:13:32,244 --> 00:13:35,814
into even smaller pieces of wood
for no reason.
328
00:13:38,951 --> 00:13:41,520
Okay, so,
for purposes of the claim,
329
00:13:41,587 --> 00:13:42,921
what was the cause
of the accident?
330
00:13:43,021 --> 00:13:44,790
Yeah, I don't know
how that thing broke.
331
00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:47,759
Well, I see your neighbor
has a Nest camera.
332
00:13:54,967 --> 00:13:56,668
That was from
a previous attempt.
333
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:59,838
I thought I looked hot,
but then the paperboy laughed.
334
00:13:59,938 --> 00:14:01,340
Un-Unless you think it worked?
335
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:04,543
Sir, I'm just trying to find out
what happened with the window
336
00:14:04,643 --> 00:14:07,146
and head home to eat
a Runeberg torte,
337
00:14:07,212 --> 00:14:08,180
a dessert from Finland.
338
00:14:08,247 --> 00:14:11,016
Oh, yes. Named after
the Finnish national poet,
339
00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:12,718
Johan Ludvig Runeberg.
340
00:14:12,818 --> 00:14:14,453
ANNOUNCER:
We kind of fell down a rabbit hole
341
00:14:14,553 --> 00:14:16,255
on those countries up there.
342
00:14:21,293 --> 00:14:22,928
Okay. Any better?
343
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:26,131
(sniffs) Well, now I just smell
Febreze and vomit.
344
00:14:26,231 --> 00:14:27,366
Stupid dog.
345
00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:31,036
Seems like having a car
is a real pain.
346
00:14:31,103 --> 00:14:33,372
God, it's the wors...
I mean, no way.
347
00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:35,007
Having a car is a dream.
348
00:14:35,073 --> 00:14:37,743
And having an expensive car
you're constantly terrified
349
00:14:37,843 --> 00:14:39,511
about getting dinged
or dirtied--
350
00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:42,014
that's, like, the best thing
you can hope for.
351
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:43,148
(phone chimes)
352
00:14:43,248 --> 00:14:44,483
Uhp, text from Brian.
353
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:47,486
"Let me know
if you're going on a Tums run."
354
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,354
Ugh, so passive-aggressive.
355
00:14:49,421 --> 00:14:51,590
"Do you need Tums?"
356
00:14:57,329 --> 00:15:00,098
(sighs) All right, Chris,
as long as I'm going,
357
00:15:00,165 --> 00:15:01,033
do you need anything?
358
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,402
Well, if you're going
on a Desenex run,
359
00:15:03,502 --> 00:15:04,670
I wouldn't say no.
360
00:15:04,703 --> 00:15:05,637
Do you need Desenex?
361
00:15:05,737 --> 00:15:08,107
Only if you're going on a run.
362
00:15:13,312 --> 00:15:14,947
(chuckles):
Hey, Joe.
363
00:15:15,047 --> 00:15:19,218
I was wondering if you needed
to borrow a cup of sugar.
364
00:15:19,284 --> 00:15:20,319
No, thanks, Lois.
365
00:15:20,452 --> 00:15:23,355
And, also, that's not how
the sugar thing usually works.
366
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:24,523
Well, I just...
367
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:26,291
Lois, you can stop
with the phony excuses.
368
00:15:26,358 --> 00:15:28,527
I know why you've been doing
what you're doing,
369
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,229
and I think
it's better if you stop.
370
00:15:30,295 --> 00:15:31,196
But, Joe, I just...
371
00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:33,165
Look, I've given this
tremendous thought,
372
00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:35,768
wondering if the reason
I became so excited
373
00:15:35,834 --> 00:15:38,670
by all that's happened
is that Peter's a good friend
374
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:40,839
and perhaps the affection
you two share
375
00:15:40,906 --> 00:15:42,841
was briefly channeled towards me
376
00:15:42,908 --> 00:15:45,444
as a reminder and renewal
of the importance
377
00:15:45,511 --> 00:15:48,447
of maintaining a deep sense of
wonder and curiosity about life.
378
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:51,784
But then I realized it was
mostly about seeing side-boob
379
00:15:51,850 --> 00:15:54,186
that was
not my wife's side-boob.
380
00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:55,387
It just has to be different.
381
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:56,822
I can't stress that enough.
382
00:15:56,955 --> 00:15:58,957
But-but I'm okay with that, Joe.
383
00:15:59,057 --> 00:16:01,226
Sorry, Lois.
I can't do this to Peter.
384
00:16:01,326 --> 00:16:04,196
But please know that you
have done a great service
385
00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:06,532
for my and Bonnie's sex life.
386
00:16:06,598 --> 00:16:09,234
Oh, I understand.
387
00:16:09,334 --> 00:16:11,236
Bye, Joe.
388
00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:13,138
- Say, Lois.
- Yes?
389
00:16:13,205 --> 00:16:16,508
You're not going on a catheter
run, by any chance, are you?
390
00:16:16,575 --> 00:16:18,377
Do you need me
to get you catheters?
391
00:16:18,510 --> 00:16:20,879
Only if you're going on a run.
392
00:16:23,348 --> 00:16:25,617
Stop kicking my seat!
393
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:27,419
That's it!
If I have to stop this car,
394
00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:29,288
there'll be no popsicles!
395
00:16:29,354 --> 00:16:31,857
Probably-probably no popsicles.
396
00:16:33,725 --> 00:16:35,427
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
397
00:16:35,461 --> 00:16:37,529
♪ Simple life on a big wheel ♪
398
00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:40,165
♪ Very unencumbered. ♪
399
00:16:40,232 --> 00:16:41,800
(sighs)
400
00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:45,504
Aah! Rupert!
401
00:16:45,604 --> 00:16:47,206
Rupert, talk to me!
402
00:16:47,272 --> 00:16:48,674
How many fingers
am I holding up?
403
00:16:48,774 --> 00:16:50,809
Two? No, it's three.
404
00:16:50,909 --> 00:16:52,911
Okay, the thumb isn't a finger--
you're right.
405
00:16:52,978 --> 00:16:56,248
So glad you're okay
to point that out.
406
00:16:57,716 --> 00:16:59,785
Still, I thought I'd lost you.
407
00:16:59,885 --> 00:17:02,421
Oh, this car has brought me
nothing but trouble.
408
00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:04,556
Well, there's
only one thing to do.
409
00:17:04,656 --> 00:17:06,558
I don't know.
I just parked it on the street,
410
00:17:06,625 --> 00:17:08,560
and when I woke up this morning,
it was gone.
411
00:17:08,627 --> 00:17:10,629
Well, this Nest camera footage
shows you
412
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:13,699
dousing it in gasoline
and setting it ablaze.
413
00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:19,304
I have Nest Cam footage
of you pleasuring yourself
414
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:20,305
in our hedges.
415
00:17:20,372 --> 00:17:22,007
Is a check okay?
416
00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:27,012
Yeah, I did a good thing
for Joe and Bonnie's marriage.
417
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:28,914
It's not about me,
it's about them.
418
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:30,649
And if I could do it for Joe...
419
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:33,552
...I can do it
for a whole hospital wing
420
00:17:33,652 --> 00:17:35,053
of disabled veterans.
421
00:17:35,154 --> 00:17:38,223
Lois Griffin,
reporting for duty.
422
00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:41,794
What possessed you
to impersonate a nurse
423
00:17:41,860 --> 00:17:45,497
and give seven addled Korean War
veterans sponge baths?
424
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:48,967
I'm a sexually desirable woman!
425
00:17:50,102 --> 00:17:52,671
Peter? Wh-What
are you doing here?
426
00:17:52,771 --> 00:17:56,942
I smushed my thing up against
the glass of a Lululemon.
427
00:18:02,114 --> 00:18:05,017
I'm really sorry for
all the stuff I said earlier.
428
00:18:05,117 --> 00:18:06,318
Oh, me, too.
429
00:18:06,385 --> 00:18:09,354
It's just, after all
these years, when I look at you,
430
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:10,956
all I see
is dealing with the kids,
431
00:18:11,056 --> 00:18:13,225
figuring out meals,
going through the mail.
432
00:18:13,358 --> 00:18:15,928
It's great that Joe could see
you like you used to be,
433
00:18:15,994 --> 00:18:17,563
but, for me,
it's getting harder.
434
00:18:17,629 --> 00:18:19,298
No, it's my fault, too.
435
00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:21,233
I've taken us for granted,
436
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:23,469
a-and it felt so nice to be seen
437
00:18:23,535 --> 00:18:25,771
as the person
I used to think I was.
438
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:26,672
Truth is, eventually,
439
00:18:26,738 --> 00:18:28,907
I'd probably get bored
with any woman.
440
00:18:29,007 --> 00:18:31,543
Might as well get bored
with the woman I love.
441
00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:34,012
Well, I can sit here
and tell you today
442
00:18:34,079 --> 00:18:37,149
I'm as bored with you
as I've ever been.
443
00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:38,450
I love you.
444
00:18:38,517 --> 00:18:40,285
I love you, too, Lois.
445
00:18:40,352 --> 00:18:42,154
-(gasps) Oh!
- Wow.
446
00:18:42,221 --> 00:18:44,923
You know, I've never seen you
in a nurse's outfit before.
447
00:18:44,990 --> 00:18:48,360
(chuckles): And I've
never seen you dressed as...
448
00:18:48,427 --> 00:18:50,262
Prom Night Tarzan?
449
00:18:50,362 --> 00:18:52,030
I'm a Chippendales dancer.
450
00:18:52,097 --> 00:18:54,399
Oh, Chippendales.
451
00:18:54,533 --> 00:18:56,769
I know they have
a big cover charge.
452
00:18:56,835 --> 00:18:59,571
How much is the uncover charge?
453
00:18:59,671 --> 00:19:01,540
For you, it's $35,
454
00:19:01,607 --> 00:19:02,908
cause you didn't bring
enough people
455
00:19:03,008 --> 00:19:04,777
to qualify for the group rate,
456
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:08,447
but it does include
a $12 bottle of Costco champagne
457
00:19:08,547 --> 00:19:10,516
that we're gonna tell you
is worth $100.
458
00:19:10,549 --> 00:19:12,885
Why? But...
Peter, you're bad at this.
459
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,320
No, no, you argue back
and then we get all hot.
460
00:19:15,420 --> 00:19:19,158
I'm raising two children alone
in a single apartment.
461
00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:20,192
Okay, I'm back in.
462
00:19:20,292 --> 00:19:22,828
Boy, you really made
some mistakes in your life,
463
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:26,331
haven't you,
you little piece of trash?
464
00:19:26,398 --> 00:19:28,434
(moaning)
465
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:30,669
Uh, there's someone else
in here.
466
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,805
- Oh, my God!
- What the hell?
467
00:19:32,871 --> 00:19:34,973
Principal Shepherd?
You're in here, too?
468
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:37,376
Yeah, I got into a slap fight
with the Applebee's hostess
469
00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:38,911
because they wouldn't
turn on Fox News.
470
00:19:38,977 --> 00:19:40,779
Y-You know what,
we'll wait till we get home.
471
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,014
(chuckles)
We're so sorry.
472
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,516
For what?
I didn't tell you to stop.
473
00:19:44,583 --> 00:19:47,119
Um... okay.
474
00:19:48,387 --> 00:19:50,622
(moaning)
475
00:19:52,157 --> 00:19:53,625
Oh, Peter!
476
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:54,960
PETER:
Oh, Lois!
477
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:56,528
SHEPHERD:
Can you call out the names
478
00:19:56,595 --> 00:19:58,430
of garbage people from Fox News?
479
00:19:58,464 --> 00:19:59,832
LOIS:
Oh, Hannity!
480
00:19:59,898 --> 00:20:00,966
PETER:
Oh, Tucker!
481
00:20:01,066 --> 00:20:02,601
LOIS:
Oh, Judge Jeanine!
482
00:20:02,668 --> 00:20:04,169
PETER:
Oh, Steve Doocy!
483
00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:06,371
LOIS:
Uh, who's that terrible blonde lady
484
00:20:06,438 --> 00:20:07,906
whose own family hates her?
485
00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:08,941
SHEPHERD:
Laura Ingraham.
486
00:20:09,007 --> 00:20:11,276
LOIS:
Oh, Laura Ingraham!
487
00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:12,578
Yes!
488
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:19,785
Oh, Peter, I'm so glad
489
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,688
we were able to discover
this new level of intimacy.
490
00:20:22,754 --> 00:20:25,257
I-I've never felt
so connected to you.
491
00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:26,125
Me either.
492
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:27,860
And I never knew
your biggest fantasy
493
00:20:27,926 --> 00:20:30,863
was to do it as a cat
from a children's book.
494
00:20:30,929 --> 00:20:32,965
(moaning)
495
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:35,734
NARRATOR:
For most of the night,
496
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:37,770
Peter gooshed on her flumpkus.
497
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:39,371
She crunkled his wanz-it.
498
00:20:39,471 --> 00:20:41,039
He boobled her bumpkus.
499
00:20:41,106 --> 00:20:44,810
The bangle-bong lasted
till first break of day.
500
00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:47,479
Six times that night
she screamed,
501
00:20:47,546 --> 00:20:49,848
"Zazu-ki-zay!"
502
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:51,383
The end.
503
00:20:51,450 --> 00:20:52,684
Good night, Stewie.
504
00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:55,220
Don't read me books
that you write.
505
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