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(man tapping microphone)
Testing, testing.

Significance, harms, inherenc,
topicality, solvency.

(people chattering)

♪ ♪

Quiet, please.
Cell phones off, please.

Man: Judges ready?

Timer ready?

The affirmative
will please begin.

(students chattering,
cheering)

Boy:
Whoo! Farming subsidies!

It will come
as no surprise
to the judges,

our esteemed opponents
from Townsend Prep, nor really
to anyone at all

in the audience,
that we, the affirmative
from Plainsboro High,

do hereby support
this year's national
policy debate resolution,

which I am supposed
to recite now, as if after
an entire school year

it could still somehow
be unknown to any of us.

That is ridiculous.
Therefore, instead of
senselessly repeating it,

I will offer up
a moment of silence during
which I'd like every one of you

to say the resolution aloud.
It will be a final communal
act for all of us,

the High School Policy
debaters of New Jersey.
Ready, set, go.

Students: Resolved--
For those of you who aren't
done, I apologize,

but there's
a reason why I'm up here
and you're down there,

and if you please, right now,
we're going to go at my pace.
Hang on if you can.

Our plan today is succinct.
Only by becoming a fully
socialist regime,

will the United States
government ever emerge
as the true moral leader

of the free world, and thus
create a lasting peace.

Therefore we support an
amendment to the Constitution
of the United States

to outlaw all political parties
that do not embrace Socialism
as their core philosophy...

Narrator:
On the stage
of the New Jersey State

High School Policy
Debate Championships

that spring night
stood Ben Wekselbaum

of Plainsboro High.

To anyone
who ever heard Ben debate

there was one thing
that was undeniable:

he had a voice.

Even then,
on that May night,

a real voice.

(gasps)
You're all wondering,
"When on earth

is he going to get
to farming subsidies?" At long
last the link to farming,

which is no doubt
obvious by now.

Agricultural societies collapse
under Capitalism and thrive
under Socialism.

And agriculture has always
been a necessary industry.

Without agriculture...
Narrator:
As Ben Wekselbaum

set out the complexities
of their plan,

his partner
was biding her time,

picturing how
it would look up there--

the only trophy missing
from her crowded,
gleaming shelf.

One team on the affirmative,
arguing for the resolution.

The other on the negative,
tearing it down.

This year's national resolution
is specifically about farming
subsidies, not socialism.

By overstepping
the resolution, they haven't
met their prima facie burden

to defend said resolution
and should be considered
untopical.

Subsidies are at their heart
an extension of Socialism--
that's from Gutierrez, '03.

That the negative team has
no legitimate arguments against
Socialism isn't our fault.

They didn't penetrate
the subject as deeply
as they should have.

To suggest
that we haven't refuted
the very basis of socialism

is fallacious and specious.

I refer you again
to the quotes my partner
read regarding...

Narrator:
And so it goes.
The high school debate,

like the war that rips
through your city and ravages
everything in its path;

kids wielding words like
weapons and brandishing
ideas like axes.

Nothing else mattered
in that final round.

There was no world
beyond it.

Except that 46 miles away

Hal Hefner was at home--
just sitting at home

like nothing
or none of New Jersey

was burning around him.

Man:
We're gonna have
to break up the set.

What am I gonna do?
Put it all in a garbage bag?

My stuff's not gonna
fit in a garbage bag.

Woman: Yeah, put
it in a garbage bag!
Here, keep the deodorant.

Why don't you go down
to the basement? There's
another set down there.

Quit slamming the drawers.

Man: Oh, come on!
You're gonna break
the drawers.

Give me a break.
I'm taking this.
I hope you don't mind,

because you took
everything else of mine.

Narrator:
On that May night Hal Hefner
had hardly a voice at all.

(softly) Charlotte.
(dog barks)

Man: Could you not do that?
Because I may have to come back
and get some stuff.

Man: See ya.
Woman: No, no.

Don't take that bag!

Hey, Hal.
Earl, I'm--

I'm taking these.
I am not going to be
living here anymore,

and that's why I'm--
I'm taking the suitcases.

Woman:
It's a set, Doyle.

Just leave the big bag
with the rest of the set.

Lord, this is so you!

Here's your suitcase.

(yells)

(sighs)

You guys are going
to be all right.

And I'll--

I'll see you
sometime soon.

I don't know
what else to say.

I can't put it into words.

♪ ♪

(Ben talking faintly, rapidly)

Narrator:
Back on the stage
of the state championships,

the night at last
revealed itself

as not just any night,

but as "the" night.
The night when it all began.

Ben Wekselbaum, the best voice
to ever debate for PHS,

Plainsboro High,

according to anyone
who ever heard him--

that Ben Wekselbaum,

he just went quiet.

Our next advantage basically
says that human relations
can only thrive

in an atmosphere
of total equality.

That human relations
can only exist...

Sorry, I just said that.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

♪ ♪

Ben?

Narrator:
46 miles apart,
at the very same moment,

all the arguments stopped.

So there was
this bridge of silence
spanning New Jersey.

No shouting
from Hal's parents,

no debating, no voice.

No one's voice at all.

(Ben's partner crying)

Narrator:
That year's national debate
topic was farming subsidies.

And if you don't know
how farming subsidies could
inspire all this commotion,

then you don't know life

and there's nothing
that can be said about it.

Suitcases end marriages
and farming subsidies
launch cataclysms.

(engine starts)

Can a voice travel
from one person to another,

like yawning or mono?

(thuds)

Sure it can.
That's our position:

That the will to speak
traveled that night

across the dark
New Jersey highways

until it arrived
on this very block,

where it would
take up residence,

or try to,
in someone new.

♪ ♪

(car horn blares)

Earl:
Gladys, let's go!

Timeliness is
an important part of it.

Heston.
Earl.

(muttering)
I'll just have the--
just the--

just the--
just the--

just the pizza, thanks.

Thank you.

(kids chatting)

Teacher:
What kind of a name
is O. Henry?

Not a pseudonym
that we all know,

but...?

How about
nom de plume?

Does nom de plume
sound right?

It sounds right to me.
It was toward the end
of the reading

that no one seems
to have completed.

Open your books
to page 248.

Let's do the reading
that should have been
done last night.

(chatter)
Woman: Fish or pizza?

Girl:
Yeah, I'll have the pizza.

(mutters) Pizza. Pizza.

Fish or pizza?

I'll have the--

The pizza's plain or pep.

Fish is-- not sure.

Like, general fish.

Yeah, I'll have the--

the-- the--

the, uh--

the-- not--
not the--

I'll just-- just--

Just--
The fish?

The general fish...

please.

Come back for seconds.
Plenty left.

Thank you, ma'am.

Fish or pizza?
Pizza.

(deep breathing)

Do you want
to keep on trying
the breathing exercises,

or something new?

I-- is it all right
if I-- if I...

don't have an opinion?

Teacher:
Let's try this.

(whispering)
I read in this journal,

"Clinical Pathways
to Speech Pathology,"

that it's hard
to be anything but fluent

when you whisper
or sing.

I sent away for a videotape
of some people trying that out.

Not a solution,
obviously,

but wanna give it
a shot?

(whispering)
I can't-- I can't-- I can't--

I can't do this.

Isn't this
too stupid, Honoria?

Even for Honoria.

This is too stupid.
I can just feel it.

I explained this, Hal,
that this is not my specialty.

I'm sorry, I'm trying.

It's really a shame
that you're not hyperactive,

because that I know well.

And that I can
work miracles with--

hyperactivity.

But...

back to breathing. Yeah?

Breathe.

(inhales and exhales)

Good, come on.

Teacher:
It was
1858,

and while
Senator
Stephen Douglas

set out his case

that states are to choose
whether to allow slavery,

Abraham Lincoln consulted

with the smart
citizens of Illinois

to plot his answer.

Student:
Lincoln's a chick!

Let me find now a citizen

to assist me in coming up
with arguments

against Senator Douglas.

Where can I find
such a citizen helper?

(students calling out)

The commoner in the
striped plum-colored shirt--

We need you, sir.

Rise to your duty.

(students laughing)

(students muttering)

Come on!
Get up there.

(students shouting)

My assistant has come
to offer me arguments

in my debate
against the senator.

Ha!
Now I'm quaking.

What cannot a house
divided against itself do?

It is this argument
that will lead me to victory.

What cannot it do?

(exhales) Uh...

it-- it--

Hold it further away
from your mouth.

What cannot
a house divided do?

It can't--

can't st--

can't-- can't--

Mr. President...

a house divided can't--

Some help
from the citizenry.

Student:
It can't stand.

I thought it was
"Shit itself."

(whispers)
Thank you.

How about a round of applause
for the good commoner?

♪ ♪
(applause)

(man speaking faintly)

You look taller onstage.

(car honking)

Earl: Agnes.

Agnes. Agnes.

Agnes.

I'm trying
not to listen, okay?

Distinctly not to.
You're like one foot
away, so just--

Earl:
Do you wanna
hear your problem?

You've no agenda.

Strictly head-in-
the-ground material.

Look at me.
Look at me.

I wake up every morning
and what do I do?

I create an agenda
for the day,

which is a sub-agenda
for the month,

which is in itself
a pie sl--

which is in itself
a pie slice

of my agenda
for life.

Do you want to hear
my purpose for today?

I-- uh, I-- no.

I-- I can--
I can assure you

that I absolutely
do not.

Probably call the cops
on me anyway.

Hey, Adolf,
switch with me.

Upsy-daisy.

This is my seat.

Like all seats
on this vehicle,

yours has been paid
for with taxpayer money,

which means that
I or anyone else

has just as much right
to it as you do.

In fact, given
the distinction

between what
your family surely
pays in taxes and mine,

I think it's safe to say
the seat is substantially
more mine than yours.

Do you see now?

I'll be taking
just a minute to talk
to the little man,

and then you can
go on borrowing my seat
for as long as you like

until I want it again, right?

(clears throat)

Coach Lumbly,
with the pilgrim hat,

she teaches patterns
of adult living.

She's on her third husband,
name of Wallace Lumbly.
Wallace III.

It's a particular
pattern she doesn't
lecture us on in class.

Anyway, she came up to me
after a presentation on
egalitarianism

and said that although
my argumentative skills
were at the fetal stage,

she sensed-- somehow
she intuited my potential

and she invited me
on the team.

So now here I am
two years later doing
the same thing with you--

recruiting,

ferreting out the debating
talent from the masses.

That's you.

I've ferreted you.

You mean--
you mean

public speaking?
Like, speaking...

in public?

No, I don't think that's--
that's not-- that's not very--

Resolved that the federal
government should support
the teaching of abstinence

in public schools...
from sex.

It's a big step up
from farming.

That was last year's
resolution.

Yeah, I know.

Suit yourself.

But deformed people
are the best.

Maybe it's because
they have a deep
resource of anger.

It serves them well.

(horn honking)

Were you trying
to say thank you?

I thought you
might be stuck trying
to say thank you.

You're welcome.

(brakes squeal)

♪ ♪

(clears throat)

I'm sure this is
awkward for the boys.

Jules:
Not one bit.
Not one single bit.

I swear I'm
more nervous than anyone.

Honestly, Jules,
I'm a small-claims judge.

It's lucky I'm not dating
someone from Trenton.

(laughs)

Is this a traditional
Korean dish?

Because it has an...
exotic odor.

Uh, that's
tuna casserole.

(banging)
(man and Jules moaning)

Pete:
Use your finger!

Shut up!

My dad hasn't dated
anyone before your mom
for six years.

Can, uh--

can we just
not talk about that?

I got this by
a tree stump in the park.

Look at this one.

Coach: Fire!

Narrator:
Then on Thursday--

it could have been
any day, but it wasn't;

it was Thursday--

for no good reason,
something happened.

And it was like a little wave
breaking over him.

Take aim...

Narrator:
And it said the name

G-I-N-N-Y.

Ginny.

(echoing)
The wave said
the name Ginny.

Over and over.

Ginny, Ginny, Ginny.
Coach: Fire!

Coach:
Zero points, Hal Hefner.

Narrator:
Ginny.

Ginny:
The etymology of the word
"spreading" is unclear,

but we believe it to be
blending together of speed
and reading-- spreading.

All it is is jamming
as many arguments into your
time as you humanly can.

Here we go.
The effects of early
sexual relations

include transmission
of diseases,

out-of-wedlock pregnancies,

and a host of potential
illnesses--

a host of potential illnesses
including depression

and low self-esteem.
Consider contention one earlier.

Participation in the program
is 53% more likely to yield
positive results.

You know, the other thing
that I wanted to tell you

is that you even
look like this guy
I used to debate with--

in a shorter,
goofier kind of way.

And what would you
be doing here looking
enough like this guy

if it wasn't for me
to discover you and what
talents are hidden within?

Hi.

Hi.

Resolved that Hal Hefner
should really stop letting
the world

tell him what's possible
and try and figure it out
for himself.

Maybe that's
a life's philosophy

suited just to some of us
who cherish winning.

So maybe it's not for you,
but I think that it is.

The quality of life among
teens who refrain...

(continues speaking)

Narrator:
Before this,

there was the nothingness
of Plainsboro, New Jersey.

But now Hal Hefner suddenly
had only one thought,

and it felt like all his life
his brain had been waiting
for this thought,

so comfortably now
did it fit in

and take up
all the room there was.

You're on my street.

You're still on my street.

Do you--
do you have any idea
what public property is?

We'll see.

My mom, Fern, says
it's public property,

and if it's okay with
your mom, you can come
have 7-Up with me,

but the ice maker's
busted, so...

(cello and piano
playing)

♪ ♪

Hi.

You want to sit down
and listen to an old couple

work on their marriage
through some music therapy?

Lewis:
I'm upstairs!

Uh, uh--

uh, no thanks.
Not-- not-- not today.

(music continues)

I have a request
in for binoculars for
my 12th birthday, so...

I'll see about that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hal:
Who, uh--

who-- who is that?

Beats me.
Hey, do you know
if she wears a bra?

Wanna see a bra?

Yeah, uh-- I should--
I should really--

I should-- should--

I should really probably
go home now, Lewis.

Okay.

(dice rattling)

Uh, Judge Pete?

Judge Pete?
Your Honor?

Hm?
Do you...

know any, uh--
do you know any lawyers--

great lawyers who
can't talk very well?

Not-- not fluent,
but yet great lawyers

whose clients don't end
up getting the chair?

Uh...

Oh, there's a bailiff
with a prosthetic leg.

(laughs)

(grunts)
(Jules laughs)

What are
you thinking, Laverne?

(rolling dice)

Hi.

I, uh-- I talked
to Ms.--

to Mrs.--
which is it, anyway?

To-- to uh--

to the coach,
and, um,

I'm-- I'm-- I'm
gonna come inside
for debate prep now,

uh, thanks to you.

Someone took something
of mine.

I had a locket.
I had a 24-karat
gold deco locket

with two pictures inside.
Is this ringing any bells?

One was of me, the other
was of someone else--

a boy, of sorts.

What's a--
a deco?

My mother believes
that one of her pseudo
friends stole it,

because he, or even she,
is secretly a pedophile

and wanted the locket
to stare into or suck on

or utilize for other
specific erotic purposes.

But I told her that
I have this hunch--

I have this
womanly hunch

that it was taken out
of my backpack by someone
at PHS.

It's like I sensed it
leaving my presence.
Just an ounce--

but a burning ounce
as it left my person.

Hal: Well, I don't-- I don't
think that the pedophile
thing could be true.

Not that I, uh,
even really know
anything about that.

But, I just don't
believe that anyone

would really think
of you like that.

Like what?

I mean, just, uh,
sexually, I mean.

(bell rings)

That's the worst thing
anyone's ever said to me.

Wait, no!
I can't believe
you said that.

No no, I didn't-- no.

I never should have
asked you to join the team.

God only knows
what I was thinking.

But, I didn't-- no.

(breathing heavily)

Earl.

♪ ♪

Thief.

♪ ♪

Yes?
I--

Here, I--
I stole it.

Shouldn't you be
at school?

♪ ♪

(door slams open)
Start talking, you weasel.

Get out!
You left my theft box
a shit-faced mess.

Don't ever touch
the stuff I steal!

I mean it!
I steal it, it's mine!

You should put that
on your business card!

I'm gonna tan your hide,
you fake thief!

You god-awful
make-believe thief!

Judge Pete is gonna
lock you up.

Get your own
mother-f'ing plan!

If you tell anyone
I stole it,

I'm gonna wipe my ass
with your ChapStick,

and I'm gonna reach
in your eye sockets
and tear out your pancreas.

I'm hiding my theft box
where you'll never find it.

This is ridiculous!

And stay out!
(screams)

(grunting)

(phone rings)

Earl:
It's for you, Annabel.

Uh...

uh, he-- uh--

Is this the Hefner mansion?

Um, uh, I--

yeah, uh,

can you-- can you
hold on for a second?

I'm just gonna, um-- uh...

I'm just gonna move.
But stay on.

You can hang up now,
Earl.

You can hang up
now, Earl.

Oh, okay.
You're the boss of me.

(Hal sighing)

The boy whose picture
I keep in the locket
that you stole,

did you see him?

Uh, yeah, he--

His name's Ben Wekselbaum.
We debated together

until he freaked out
at the final round at States

and left me with a lousy
second-place trophy.

I've never felt
anything like that.

Have you ever felt
like you could burn
the world down?

Hal:
Every day.

Well, he dropped out
of high school

and though he never did
have the decency to call,

I heard through
the grapevine that his
grandmother got him a job

at the world-renowned
Louis Dry-cleaners
in Trenton.

I-- yeah, I don't
think that I've ever
heard of it.

Right.
Anyway, ultimately
it's a good thing

that the spirit
of cowardliness overtook
Ben Wekselbaum,

because it has, one,
left my partner arrangement
free this year,

and, two, allowed me to find
someone that I can mold

into the kind of
bare-knuckles debater that
I want to debate with.

The best debaters
are the ones with
something to prove--

I, trying to rise
above the fiasco of last
year's States,

and you trying to prove to
the world that you're not as
retarded as you sometimes sound,

which is why I want you to
overlook the embarrassment

that comes with having
taken my locket and join
up with the team after all.

Connie:
You're on dishes tonight,
Virginia.

I'm on an important
phone call, is what I'm on.

Connie: They're all
important calls in the world
of Virginia Ryerson.

I have to go.
I'll see you at my
house on Saturday.

You're helping me
with research.
Yeah, oh, uh--

(phone clicks off)

Ginny, are you-- are you st--
are you still there?

Earl:
Oh, I am, Katherine, yes,
and it's a good thing I am.

Earl!
If you think you're gonna
get a long-term girlfriend

without my permission,
you got another think coming.

You'll never sleep
safe again. Not ever.

Don't do it, little shit!
Don't do it!

♪ ♪

Try not to steal
anything if you can.

Cut it out
and come inside.

Close the door
behind you.

Sit down.
You're finding me quotes
in the affirmative.

(lighter flicks)

So, uh...

what do-- what do you
believe in when it comes
to abstinence?

Top debaters never really
believe in anything.

It gets in the way of
arguing from both sides.

But I mean, like,

for you, like,
in your own life.

Debate is life.
You shouldn't think about
it in any other context.

Because in my mind,
I don't-- I don't really
think it's...

a very good idea.
Abstinence, I mean.

Because, um,
I just...

don't think it's
a very good idea,

not for kids
in New Jersey.

Okay, well, that's enough
tangential bullshit.

Write down these template
arguments against abstinence:

One, supporting it
violates the barrier
between church and state;

Two, it's an enforcement
of a dated, sexist agenda;

Three, sexual freedom is
the basis of human freedom;

Four, it separates us
from western cultures,
Europe in particular,

when we should be
drawing closer to our
international allies;

Five, psychologists say that
repressed sexual functions
can create adult neuroses;

Six, abstinence programs
actually increase risky
sexual behavior among teens;

Seven, it creates
barriers between free-
love-generation parents

and their more
conservative children;

Eight, and finally,
we oppose abstinence
because the world might end

and then basically everyone
we know dies a virgin.

Wow.

Yeah, all those when
you think about it.

In preparation for our
first official debate
exercise next week,

show me that you can argue
in favor of abstinence.

Well, um...

I think I may be better
arguing from from the other
side of this.

Hal.

Um...

The only one that I could--
that I could really--

that I could really
come up with was--

that, uh, love is--
it's more special

when you--
when you do find it.

The special-love case.

Probably that stinks,
but I'll think about
it some more,

and we'll see.

(cello playing)

(piano joins)

Dad says he and mom
have done every one
of these at least twice,

and some as many
as 100 times.

But he says no one's
keeping count,

which seems like
a big waste

'cause he could
be the Kama Sutra
Barry Bonds or something

and no one would
even know it.

Yeah, I tried this
one with my pants on

on Winchester,
our old dog.

But he wouldn't sit still,
and he died a month later.

(cello and piano continue)

♪ ♪

Mmm, hot and spicy.

(chuckles)
Descartes.
Man, oh man.

Hey, would you be interested
in joining my club?

The Junior Philosophers.

Oh, uh,
well, I uh--

I-- my plate
is kind of full.

I know what
you're thinking.

We read everything,
but no Hegel,

if that's your concern.

No, uh, actually
I'm waiting for a girl.

That girl.

You know what you can
do for me right now

is write up
some more flow charts.

Oh, thanks.

Okay.

♪ ♪

Lumbly:
Once I was your age,

just as quiet on
the inside as most of you
novice debaters are.

Quiet as a mouse.

Or a stone.

Or a bowl of pudding.

And then I saw my first debate,
and the pudding was no more.

None of you novices
understands me now.
You will.

Until then, the thing
to remember

is there are rules
that must be followed.

That's debate.

And that's life.

Our exercise today is
an accelerated run-through
of a complete debate round

to teach you
those rules.

Why is the Hal Hefner
bowl of pudding

allowed to
demonstrate to us?

Uh, he's first year,
that's true, but Miss Ryerson

has assured me that
he's a quick study

and a rare talent,
and he will instruct
and enlighten us today.

Our debate begins with
Ginny, the first affirmative,

delivering an eight-minute
opening speech.

For our purposes,
Ginny will synopsize
that down to 10 seconds.

Good afternoon,
ladies and germs.

Our affirmative case today
in effect states that increased
teenage pregnancies

will eventually bankrupt
social security, destroy
the economy,

and result in
the third world war.

Therefore, we will
quadruple the federal spending
given only to schools

that teach abstinence
to their students. Thank you.

Lumbly:
That was lucid, thank you.

Now there's a two-minute
cross-examination, second
negative to first affirmative.

Crystal Hamish-Steinberg
is the second negative.

Crystal Hamish-Steinberg,
would you give us an
exemplary question

that you would ask?

Have you ever heard
of Bangladesh?

The perfect tease.

Now the women
may sit while the
first negative rises

to respond to Ginny.
Phillip?

Rather than attack
the affirmative case,

Crystal Hamish-Steinberg
and I propose the following
negative counterplan:

we grant all the harms
claimed by the affirmative,

but state that
the better way to combat
teenage pregnancy

is by pouring money
into a huge rock concert

that we'll call
"The Concert for Sexlessness."

Thank you.

Now the first
affirmative cross-examines
the first negative.

Do you have statistics
on how many rock stars
practice abstinence?

How many rock stars
in the historic concert for
Bangladesh were Bangladeshi?

I'll ask the questions
here, Phillip.

The combatants sit.

Now Hal Hefner wows us
with his second affirmative,

another eight-minute
speech boiled down
here to 10 seconds.

(Hal's chair slides)

Uh...

Narrator:
There were three immediate
lines of argumentation

that came to mind.
But the best one
went like this:

The plans are not
mutually exclusive.

Increased funding
for school programs

doesn't preclude
the negative team's
badly named

"Concert for Sexlessness."

The government can
and should do them both.

Uh, the--

Narrator:
Hal Hefner visualized
himself in that moment

as the kind of kid
who can state,

"The plans are not
mutually exclusive,"

whenever he wants
to say so.

The plans are not
mutually exclusive.

The plans are not--
no, they are--

they are not
mutually exclusive.

I'll be handling Hal Hefner's
cross-ex and rebuttal

until the first actual
debate tournament against
other actual schools.

Until then, he will
be my silent partner.
Hal Hefner, sit down.

(Hal breathing)

Do you know what I sounded
like the first speech I gave

when I was your age?

Ben told me I sounded like
a Bob Dole impersonator.

Hal:
I don't--

I'm not even really--

I'm not even quite sure
who that even is.

That was your first try,

your first of many.

And I don't even think
anybody really noticed.

It really-- it wasn't
that big a--

So...

we should get back.
Well, I should get back
and finish the round--

♪ ♪

Resolved that
the federal government

should support the teaching
of abstinence in public schools.

Resolved!

The motherf'ing federal
government should support
the teaching of abstinence

in motherf'ing,
fucking public schools!

Resolved!

Do you--
do you guys, um--

do you know how, um--
how-- how

you, or one,

would take a relationship
to the next level?

I'm glad you came
to me, because...

this is exactly
the sort of problem
that mommy and daddy

would royally screw up.

See, it's all about
having an agenda,

which they will
never tell you.

Do you have a plan?
Like today, I'm getting
a blowjob.

It helps you
to realize it.

It's all
very scientific.

Mm-hm.
Yeah, I'm, uh--

I'm-- I'm-- I'm
just a doubter

that giving me a--
(whispering) a BJ

is high on Ginny's list.

You're her partner, right?

So, you wait until
the moment is right.

Like after you crack a good--
a really good joke,

like the one that I crack
about the Queen of England,

and then ask.

It is totally worth the risk.
And you never know.

Once you've had a blowjob,
you'd understand.

It's like...

It's like walking
through a brick wall.

(girls giggling,
chatting)

You know, Ginny said that
I won't be her--

her, um-- her real partner
for months.

And that until then,
I'm like...

the mascot.

The disfluent mascot.

The disfluent mascot who's
not getting a BJ.

Like the aardvark.

No, that--
that was a joke, Heston.

There is no-- there isn't
a debate mascot.

I, for some reason,
was convinced it was
an aardvark.

No.

C'est la vie.

♪ ♪

Hey, uh,
can I--

I just...

What?

Oh, uh, I just wanted--

I wanted to try, uh,
this joke out on you.

It's, well, uh-- it's--
well, the delivery

is kind of tricky, so...

(clears throat)

What happens is that
the Queen of England

goes onto this-- this
television show, and--

Listen, I'm almost done
with this chapter.

It's Thomas Aquinas.

But if you continue telling
me that filthy joke,

I'm gonna put this book down
and punch you very hard.

You know, some-- well,
someday you'll find love

and then-- then everything
will be different.

♪ ♪

(sighs)

Mas-- mas--

Uh, masturbation is
a natural precursor
of adult sexual development

and it should be unfettered
in a child's learning.

Johnson, '98.

Her plans changed.

Father:
Virginia says to keep
on working hard

and she'll call you
to let you know when you
should come on over.

Well, because the Hazlet
Tournament is almost here, and--

Just keep on keeping on
and maybe she'll call you.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, there.

Do you know-- do you know
if Ginny Ryerson is okay?

Because she
canceled our time today

and we have a--
we have a big tournament
coming up

at Hazlet High School,
and all the major Jersey
schools will be there.

And I-- and, uh, she hasn't--
she hasn't really, uh,

told me what her strategy
is gonna be to help me

deal with my--
with my speech.

Lewis:
She got into a Lincoln
with that Indian guy.

And you're back.
Is Ginny all right?

Because Lewis Garrles
from across the street

said she got into a Lincoln
with an Indian man.

A boy, that's right.

So, she-- but she's fine?
Fine.

You, could--
will you just tell her

that-- that I'm done and over
with the masturbation defense?

Tell her that, will you?
Just assure her

that I'm--
that I'm-- that I'm--

that I'm done with
masturbation and I'm
ready to show her.

You take care now.

I told Judge Pete
about all the fun
you've been having

with debate,
and guess the news?

Heston's a joiner.

Uh, yeah, um--

it's-- it's too late,
Heston.

The, um--

the teams have
all been settled.

Coach Lumbly said that after
the first tournament

someone always gets creamed
and never comes back.

So, I'll be
filling that slot,

whomevers that may be.

To discover opportunity

in misery.

There's sense
in that.

That's how
I found you, my love.

(laughs)

(phone ringing)

Hello?
Connie Ryerson speaking.

(exhales)

Uh...
(breathing heavily)

Virgil?
Is that you?

Uh!

Uh...

uh, uh...

uh, this is, uh--
this, uh--

this is, uh--
this is...

Hal Hefner for, um-- for--

call-- I'm--
I'm calling for, uh...

G-I-N-N-Y--
Ginny.

Connie:
Hold the line.

(softly)
Hi, Ginny. It's Hal.

Hey, Hef here.
What's up?

Connie:
Hal?

Uh, yeah--
yeah?

She says she'll see you
at the debate tomorrow. Okay?

Okay, well,
we--

we-- um, I really--
I really--

we-- I really--
we need to, uh--

practice with her.

Connie:
She'll see you then.

(hangs up)
Hello?

Good morning, Judge.
Good morning, our esteemed
opponents.

N-- let's--

(sighs)
Let's begin with our plan.

That the federal
government should--
(banging on wall)

Earl:
Shut the mumbling, Susie.

But do not stop working,
because if you fail tomorrow,

the whole Hefner family fails
too, and I am not a failure.

So do not do it!

Uh...

good morning there,
judge.

Good morning,
our esteemed opponents.

(kids chatting)

(clears throat)

Lumbly:
When you work
so hard at something,

so hard,
all that extra time--

Wallace, you always tell me
balance out, balance out,
balance out--

What are you
talking about?

Ginny Ryerson has transferred
to Townsend Prep

for the rest
of her senior year.

We have an even number
so, Hal, you'll muddle through
today with Heston

and we'll reconstitute
the teams tomorrow.

Let's go, Wallace.

(doors shut)

♪ ♪

Heston:
Would you like to tell me
what our affirmative case is?

Or would you rather
it be a surprise?

(students chatting)

(clears throat)

Uh...

Good-- good--
good morning there, judge.

good, uh-- good--
good--

good morning to you, uh...

both, you,
our esteemed opponents.

Good morning, uh...

(sighs)

The--

ab-- ab--

(paper flutters)

That, uh--

resolved that-- that--

that-- that-- that--
that, uh--

that it, uh...

(sighs)
how much time, timer?

(phone rings)

Yeah, hello?

Hal:
Mr.-- Mr.-- uh--
um, Mr.--

Hal?
What's the matter?

It's-- it's, uh--
it's, uh,

well, it's funny
that you ask, actually.

Um, I've-- I'm just--
I'm just here at, um--

I'm at-- I'm at--
I'm at Hazlet--

Hazlet High School,
at the debate.

And I spent the last-- I've--

I spent the last seven minutes
of my round-one speech

trying-- trying
to say the resolution.

Oh, man.
Yeah.

Well, there's that video
I gave you, "Singing Instead
of Talking."

Yeah, did, uh-- did
rat poison and a straw
come with that video?

Well, my ex-girlfriend,
the PhD at Annenberg,

she used to say her
brother never stuttered
if he spoke in an accent.

You could try the accent
you know best,

and maybe that
would help?

Well, anyway,
I wouldn't count on it.

Mina's advice was about
as far-fetched as she was.

You know, open
relationships just...

don't work, Hal.

What?

Uh, I'm advising...

that you should
try to do an accent.

Okay?
If I do that,

you won't see--
you won't see me on Monday.

'Cause I'll already be--
I'll be on a--

I'll probably be
on a plane to--

Can you hold on
for a sec?

Okay, should--

I should, mayb--
maybe I should--

I should probably go.

(clears throat)

(clears throat)

(Asian accent)
Good afternoon,

esteemed opponents
from Glen Rock.

Good afternoon.
Let's get our-- let--

let's, uh--
let-- let--

let's get, uh, down and--
down and-- down and dirty,

shall we, with this--
this thing--

this thing-- this thing--
this thing I'll call our plan.

(normal voice)
Excuse me, I'm--

I'm-- I'm--

I'm-- I'm really sorry.

Woman:
Slice of pizza
or sloppy joes,

and I don't want
to debate about it.

Boy:
I'll take the pizza.

Townsend Prep's
just a really,
really good school.

Woman:
Slice of pizza
or sloppy joes,

and I don't want
to debate you on it.

Boy:
Pizza, two slices.

Slice of pizza, sloppy joes,
and I don't want to debate
about it.

Um...

I'll--
I'll have the--

Not the-- the, um--

The, um...
We're out of pizza.

Sloppy joes are
all that's left.

But they're not that
terrible if you've never had
really good ones before.

Thank you, ma'am.

♪ Do you love me, baby? ♪

♪ Do you
love me, baby? ♪

♪ Do you love me? ♪

♪ As I love you? ♪

She's not here.

Ginny and I don't
eat at tournaments--

Draws blood
from the brain.

(boy speaking rapidly)

...will cause
special love in adulthood.

(continues speaking
rapidly)

♪ Or do you have me, baby? ♪

♪ Do you hate me, baby? ♪

♪ Do you hate me? ♪

♪ As I hate you? ♪

♪ I don't want it
in between ♪

(gagging)

♪ I will keep
my feelings clean ♪

I just--
I don't--

I don't really know
what to do here.

Well, um,
this is the girls' room.

So...

Okay.

(applause)

I want to read, also,
what one judge wrote

about Virginia.
She wrote:

"Virginia may be
the next Barbara Jordan."

How about that?

First place,
individual speaker--

Virginia Ryerson.

(whispering)
Where's the trophy?

(laughing uncomfortably)

Thank you.

Hal Hefner,
stay a moment, would you?

I'm gonna regroup.

Um, let's be
adults here

and think about who
could use...

a little time
on the sidelines.

Ginny recruited me.

Okay?
She intuited--

intuited that I--
that I--

that my-- that my brain
was made for this.

I mean, you can't even--
you can't even ask me
a question

without my brain
filling up with retorts.

It's-- it's full
of retorts.

Do you know
Mento Buin,

who doesn't speak more
than six words of English?

Or Evie Spedarsky,

who has such pronounced
irritable bowel syndrome

that she's being studied
by a team at Princeton?

No.

What about
Elvis Hunsinger,

the boy who pees
himself in gym class?

Well, everybody knows...

Elvis.

She tried
to recruit them all.

Never crossed my
mind that this could
be some scheme of hers,

but, when you
think about it,

looks pretty pat.

♪ ♪

♪ I need someone,
a person to talk to ♪

♪ Someone who'd care to love ♪

♪ Could it be you?
Could it be you? ♪

Pete:
Your mom's running late
but wants us to--

hey, now.

Wait a minute.
Let me see.

Oh, Jesus!

Man, oh man!

The most Heston
ever hauled in was
an honorable mention

in the hip-hop
danceathon.

But this is too much
coming from you!

On behalf of your dad.

This goes on the dining
room table for your mom
to see when she gets home.

(laughs)
Whoo!

♪ ♪

♪ Well, darling, this is it ♪

♪ You can all just kiss
off into the air ♪

♪ Behind my back,
I can see them stare ♪

♪ They'll hurt me bad,
but I won't mind ♪

♪ They'll hurt me bad,
they do it all the time ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, they do it
all the time ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
(gagging)

♪ They do it all the time ♪
♪ Do it all the time ♪

♪ They do it all the time ♪

♪ Do it all the time ♪

♪ They do it all the time ♪
♪ Do it all the time ♪

My dad told me I was
the world's utmost idiot

for not realizing
you won something today.

Please accept
my belated congratulations.

♪ I hope you know that this ♪

♪ Will go down
on your permanent record ♪

(pounding)

♪ Oh, yeah? ♪

♪ Well, don't get
so distressed ♪

Hello?
Hello, Sylvia.

Fern didn't say anything
about Lewis's friends
stopping by!

I get paid
per kid!

She can't be
going to bed.

(slurps)

♪ I take one, one,
one 'cause you left me ♪

♪ And two, two,
two for my family ♪

♪ And three, three,
three for my heartache ♪

♪ And four, four,
four for my headaches ♪

♪ And five, five,
five for my lonely ♪

♪ And six, six,
six for my sorrow ♪

♪ And seven,
seven for n-n-no tomorrow ♪

♪ And eight, eight,
I forget what eight was for ♪

♪ But nine, nine,
nine for the lost gods ♪

Resolved!
♪ Ten, ten, ten, ten ♪

♪ For everything,
everything, everything! ♪

(screams)

♪ You can all just
kiss off into the air ♪

♪ Behind my back,
I can see them stare ♪

♪ They'll hurt me bad,
but I won't mind ♪

(screams)
♪ They'll hurt me bad,
they do it all the time ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, they do it
all the time ♪

(screams)
♪ Do it all the time ♪

Sylvia, no tip
for you tonight.

Fuck!

(brakes squeal)

(door alarm beeping)

There's a cello
in your house now.

♪ ♪

(pounding)
I hate you!

Mommy and
Judge Pete hate you!
(water running)

Daddy hates you!

Melody, daddy's new
girlfriend, hates you.

That bottle was
Reposado, you doofus dunce!

Uncle Chaz spent
big bucks on that.

(pounding)
Uncle Chaz hates you!

That's all I wanted
to say.

There's pineapple cake
in the fridge.

If you're late,
I'll eat the whole cake,
so don't be late.

Maybe you should put
the whole debate thing
behind you?

All a--
a lark of adolescence.

We all have 'em.

Mine was cheerleading.

I was the one boy
on the cheerleading squad.

Imagine that, huh?

Give me a "H," uh-uh-uh.
Give me a "A,"

uh-uh-uh.
Give me a "L," uh-uh-uh.

What does that spell? Hal.

That-- that image is--

is not really helping.

Just-- just because
debate was a wipeout,

I mean, you know,
a colossal wipeout,

doesn't mean
that you're a failure.

It's the activity
that failed you.

Hey, there's nothing
to say you couldn't try
for the Spanish Club.

You could be Spanish Club
vice president in no time.

Kyle Felowitz
is el vice presidente.

Yeah.

My point, Hal,
is that

you have to get out
of your own way here, man,

go back to living
the way you were before
you tried to exceed

your-- your limitations.

♪ ♪

Narrator:
Hal Hefner floated
above his life,

saw the world around him
as if he were just a ghost

floating through.

Nothing could
harm him now.

Nothing could move him
or make him love again.

He was that kind
of ghost.

The kind that
couldn't love again.

...go to observation 1-A.

The diversion is the norm.

Quoting from the "Journal
of Adult Sexuality" '74:

The root cause of sexual
dysfunction are many...

Narrator:
As a boy ghost,

Hal Hefner surveyed
the world as he knew it.

And in everything
he saw was evidence
that life goes on

with or without love.

He had stopped
thinking about the girl,

had stopped
dreaming about her,

or, even if that wasn't
entirely true,

had stopped dreaming
a certain kind of dream
about her.

Well, maybe
most of the time.

(birds chirping)

Then spring came--

11 months after
his father left,

six months since
he last saw Ginny,

and six since
they'd kissed.

(door opens)

(door slams)
Pete: Over and over again!

Just stop!
Mother: I just want us
to be buddies.

Pete:
Be buddies with yourself!

Boys...

Your mom and I are over.
That's according to her.

She said that
it was all her,
that it's always all her

and could we be buddies?
Jules: This is
a very complicated

adult relationship.
(screams)

This is why
your dad left.

You're just so messed up!

(Pete crying)

(whimpering)

(sobbing)

(groans)

Shit!

Good god!

♪ ♪

Mommy! Mommy!
Hal's freaking out
in the garage!

This is gonna turn out bad.
I can feel it.

Virginia Ryerson, please
come to the main office.

Virginia Ryerson,
you have a visitor
in the main office.

Are you
her little brother?

You look like you could
be her little brother.

I'm--
I'm her ex-lover.

Take a seat.
She'll be with you
in a minute.

So how far did you
get with her?

Does-- does it count
as second base

when it's groping
through the shirt?

Maybe in public school.

What are you doing here?

Oh, uh, uh...

I--

I have, uh--
it's spring break
at Plainsboro.

I have--
I have the-- the day off.

Okay.

I'm going back
to AP Latin now.

Wait-- I'm-- I'm
returning this to you.

It belongs
to you and--

and it's important
to me that you have it.

It's your Hazlet trophy.

I had a bad night,
but I'm better now.

I don't want the trophy.

I'm-- I'm gonna
go back to class.
You need to leave.

Wait-- every--
every-- every--

Everybody has
their own path!

And, uh...

Receptionist:
Security, please report
to the main office.

Need you to deal with a...

stuttering boy
in the main office.

Narrator:
It was like he was pretending,

pretending that it could
all be what it was.

But it can't.

You can only pretend for so
long before the forces that be

take that away from you.

Just like that,
it took off

and he found
himself sprinting.

It was ridiculous,
but he did-- he sprinted.

♪ ♪

You don't let love
collapse all around you
and not put up a fight.

You punch back,

unless you can find
someone else to throw
the punch for you.

Then, by all means,
do that.

Yeah?

Uh, I'm-- I'm here
from Plainsboro High,

and I've-- I've, uh--
I've come here to find you.

Wait in the front
if you care to.

My shift ends
on the hour.

Oh, I care to.

Yeah, well, that's fine.
Wait in front.

(machine squeaks,
hums)

That's God
doing your dry-cleaning.

God does dry-cleaning.

He wears a smock.
(laughing)

Man, it's a blessing
to be squarely and dearly

out of the goddamn suburbs.

It'll suck the marrow right
from you, the suburbs will.

And it takes years

in the big city to inject
the life back into you.

Literal years.

You-- you mean,
the big city is--

is-- is Trenton?

That's right--
Trenton.

Oh.

Did Ginny send you?

Oh no, she doesn't--
she doesn't-- she doesn't
know anything.

Lumbly?
No, no. No.

Because if this is part
of a grand design to get
me back to school...

You smell that
bus exhaust?

That'll be what you
leave behind

on your way back
to Plainsboro without me.

Wait. The thing is,
is that, uh--

what I want-- what I want--
what I need is your help.

You don't even know me.

You-- you do realize
you're like--

you're like a legend
at PHS, right?

Right, I'm the next
Shelley Hasty.

Who is--
who's she?

He. He supposedly drove
a Chevy Nova

into the cafeteria
in 1986.

There's a plaque somewhere
next to a water fountain
in his honor.

Well...

I'm-- I'm gonna be
the next legend at PHS.

And that's--
that's not gonna happen
for me any other way

than to win--
uh, to win at States.

You're gonna
win at States?

Yes.

Well-- well-- well, uh...

we are, yes.

It's so pointless.

That's the realization
I came to at States
last year:

Life is nothing
but repetition,

the same thing
over and over.

Somebody might
give you a trophy

and that's supposed to mean
you're making progress,

but there's no such thing.
The fights you fight today

are the fights you
fight till you die.

Yeah, well, be--
be that as it may--

Sure.

Be that as it may.

Wait, it's not some
college-application bullshit

that is-- that's like
the driving force here,
or any bullshit.

I'm sure.

No, uh, do you want
to know what it is?

Yeah. What
it is, is...?

What it--
what it is, is--

uh, it's, uh--

is, uh, is--

No, what-- what it
is, is--

It's--
well, it's love.

Well, if it's
not that, then--

then it's the need
for-- for revenge

when-- when love
goes bad.

It's one of those two,
love or revenge.

I'm not really sure
which one.

But it's one
of those two things

that made me throw a cello
through somebody's window.
So you figure it out.

An actual cello?

I mean, like, yeah,
like symphony-size,
as far as I know.

(laughs)

You know, that's pretty
sharp in my book,

as far as reasons go.

Yeah, it took
a bunch of throws,

but you know,
I'm good for a bunch.

Have I got this right?

Your contention is that
we should debate as a team?

You, an inexperienced
kid with a bad and
unpredictable stutter,

me, not having debated
at all this year and having
no knowledge of the resolution.

In support of this,
you basically offer up

that you threw a cello
through someone's window.

It's charming,
no question.

But is it persuasive?

Why not make the case

that, "A," allowing me
to return to States
and win this year

will tie up that loose end
so that I can forge ahead

free from any
of life's regrets;

"B," that charitable
enterprises such as this

would be the lifeblood
of advanced civilizations,

even, perhaps especially
in places like Trenton,
New Jersey;

and, "C,"
that while this life
here is infinitely preferable

to the wretchedness
of the suburbs,

it's also not quite what
I must have had in mind

and maybe I miss some
of the mundane thrills
of policy debate?

Yeah, I mean,
all of that.

This goes against
my better judgment.

It does.
But what we'll need is
one affirmative case

and one all-purpose
negative counterplan.

We can't do a year's worth
of work in one month,

so we'll concentrate
on those two lines of attack.

You'll have to arrange
with your parents--

Do you have parents?

Oh, yeah,
I have a--

a mom that I see
most days and--

and I see my dad
some weekends.

You'll have to come to
some arrangement with them
or else let go of trying to,

so that you can spend
evenings and weekends here.

We'll register
as a home-schooled team.

My grandmother will
sign whatever official
paperwork is required.

But all such
considerations wait
on our priority,

and that's finding
you your voice.

♪ ♪

Narrator:
Suddenly, Trenton was
a different city;

no longer a dead end
but a starting place.

Trenton,

the very city
of triumph.

Fire when ready!

(quietly)
This isn't-- this isn't

very good
for one's spirit.

I can't hear you!

It's-- it's
spirit-crushing, I said.

Fine.

What should I say?

Give me your standard
affirmative opening.

Yeah.

You know, I haven't really
said it enough for it
to really be--

for it to be standard.

Throw me the cello!

Uh...

(exhales)

Let's get down and dirty.
Let's get down...

Let's-- let's get--

let's get, uh--

let's get--
let us-- let us--

uh, okay, let's just--
let-- let us--

(screaming)

It's a riddle.

Yeah, yeah.

What it is is one of
those rare instances

where one of us having
an advanced college-degree
might actually help.

I won't whisper.

It's a trick,
but it's-- it's, uh--

it's crap.
It's a crap trick.

And I won't--
I won't do an accent,

however good--
however-- however--

however good
I may be at them.

So that just leaves--
that's-- that's just--

that's just singing.

Singing my speeches.

And then--
and after that,

arran-- arranging to
have my--

have my-- my-- my--

have my ashes scattered

over the Plainsboro
municipal pond.

(banjo strumming)

You know, I've--

I've thought about
the whole-- the singing,

and, uh...

I don't think
I can do it,

the song thing.

This is "The Battle Hymn
of the Republic."

We might prefer something
more modern, I realize,

but this is the only piece
I can play all the way through.

(picking banjo)
What you're gonna do

is just learn the song well
enough to keep it in your head,

to let it flow through you

as you speak-sing
your speeches.

And we'll write
to fit the rhyme.

(clears throat)

(picking banjo)

♪ Mine eyes
have seen the glory ♪

♪ Of the coming of the Lord ♪

♪ He is trampling out
the vintage ♪

♪ Where the grapes
of wrath are stored ♪

♪ He has loosed
the fateful lightning ♪

♪ Of his terrible swift sword ♪

♪ His truth is marching on ♪

♪ ♪

We think our case
will state

that sex is bound
to be explored...

Abs-- abstinence
is the catalyst--
Breathe.

Breathe first.
Abstinence is the catalyst...

to-- to support
such a-- such a--

a far-ranging--
a far-ranging platform.
I got it.

(overlapping chatter)

(knocking)
Go away!

That's dad's.

I thought you could use
a bigger suitcase--

one with an actual handle.

I swear, Penelope,
I don't know what you would do

without someone
in this family who can
steal and then organize.

Could I have
a request, Earl?

If-- if I win today,

could we say--
could we say that

you-- you'll stop
calling me with
girls' names?

Could we say that, if I win?

Let's not push it,
shall we?

Besides, Penelope's
my favorite girl's name.

All right, well,
could we-- could we

maybe just leave it
with Penelope then?

Yeah, we can do that.

(crowd applauding)

Man:
Thank you and welcome

to the 43rd annual New Jersey
State Debate Championships.

There are 22 schools
represented here

from every region
in the state.

Every preliminary round
through the semifinals

will take place
in the classrooms

in the adjacent
academic buildings.

You'll only return
to this auditorium
at the end of the day

for the final round

and the presentation
of the trophy.

Now, before we begin,

I want you to give yourselves
a big round of applause.

That's right.

Now, pairings
for the first three
rounds are randomized.

Then they're weighted
by win-lose record.

Would you sign this?

It's my favorite
brief of the year.

It says that abstinence
leads to a global crisis

in mental health.

(crowd applauding)

Aren't you that Chinese boy?

(clears throat)

I'm K-Korean, yes.

And just-- just so--
just so that you're--
that you're aware,

it's really ignorant
to lump us all into
one category like that.

You all can't win,

but you are all winners.
Good luck to you.

(crowd applauding)

(chatting)

(both humming)

(clears throat)

(melodically)
You think our case
will state that sex

is bound to be explored,

that adding funds
for abstinence

is what I will
have roared.

But such a case
has been heard so much
that we are bored.

Our plan is, thus,
not that.

Our-- our--
uh-- uh--

our-- our--

our government can best
support teaching abstinence

by refraining from
the common and ugly arrogance.

Instead of telling us
we should never do the dance,

they should adopt this plan:

Amend the constitution
so that no one over 20

can serve in government,
there'll be only kids a-plenty.

We'll-- we'll--
write the laws and fix sex ed,

and it won't cost a penny.

That's our basic plan.

What we'll--
what we'll--

what we'll do is create
a new federal government

where teenagers are only--
are-- are-- are the only--
the only voices of authority.

By doing so-- we'll help--
we'll help create

a-- a wider consensus
among teens.

It's a more-- it's a more dem--
it's more-- it's more--

it's a more democratic system
and democracy is

the very basis for love

as we'll argue below
in the rest of my song-speech.

Now, please--
please turn to--

contingent--
contingent one of our plan.

Now-- now-- now,
this one's a little
harder to get the whole--

the whole-- the kinda--
the-- the rhyme scheme for it,

because-- uh, because
of all the causes, say,

to have sexologist in them
which isn't really--

it doesn't-- it doesn't
really rhyme with too much.

But it basically--
it basically goes like this:

(clears throat)
The role-- the role
of the sexologist--

(door opens)

Gentlemen, come with me.

Ben.
Marsha.

The bow tie?
The pretty boutonnière?

Yes, sir, it stirs
the pot a little.
Ben: For me too, coach.

No, don't do that.
Hal: Excuse me, coach?

I'm-- I'm-- I'm like--

I'm a minute into my--
into my opening,

and, uh-- well, uh--

well, I've-- well, uh--
well, I'm killing in there.

Aren't I killing?

Woman:
I've heard worse.

She's--
she's heard worse.

There was an objection raised
to your entering here today.

And the New Jersey
league officials have
already voted on it

and it doesn't feel
altogether great to have
to tell you this.

You're not home-schooled,
Mr. Hefner.

And working most days
at a dry-cleaner's,
Mr. Wekselbaum,

means that you're not either.

You've been barred
from the competition.

You're welcome to stay
and observe if you like.

You know, we-- we, uh...

might have actually
won the whole thing.

Probably not if you really
apply powers of reason to it.

So that's--
so-- so--

uh-- so that's--
that's it?

Come and visit me
sometime, if you want.

We'll reminisce about this
and what it means.

♪ ♪

Ginny:
Teen sexual experimentation
in these programs...

Well, uh-- uh--

Today was not my day.
Okay?

But-- but, uh--
but-- but, uh--

some-- someday will be.
And-- and on-- on that day,

you-- you will be
sitting at home alone.

At home.

And you'll--
you'll think to yourself--
when you're alone

that-- that-- that--

"I knew him when."

Him being me.

Anarchy is not only
the best system in which
to encourage adult maturation,

it is also the best system
in which to encourage
sexual liberation.

Don't you dare go thinking
this was easy for me or simple!

If you think my feelings on the
matter were clear, then you'd be
underestimating my complexity.

And while I see that you
don't recognize this now,

you actually have me
to thank-- in part, modesty
forces me to acknowledge,

but in large part--
for your newfound zest
of competition and gamesmanship.

That was very clever
of you, to find Ben.

Surprisingly clever
and very painful.

Which means that I upped
your game, little man.

You're welcome!

Liberation breeds liberation,
i.e. sexual freedom inspires
political freedom.

At the heart of all liberty
is the liberty to engage...

♪ Why is it we have to part? ♪

♪ Why do you leave
with a stranger ♪

♪ When I am
revealing my heart? ♪

♪ Because I love the unknown ♪

♪ I love the unknown ♪

♪ He said
he loves the unknown ♪

♪ Because I love the unknown ♪

♪ I love the unknown ♪

♪ He said
he loves the unknown ♪

♪ They asked him,
"Hey, where's this bus going?" ♪

♪ And he said,
"well, I'm really not sure" ♪

♪ "Well then, how will you know
where to get off?" ♪

♪ And he said, "The place
with the most allure" ♪

♪ Because I love the unknown ♪

♪ I love the unknown ♪

♪ He said
he loves the unknown ♪

♪ Because I love the unknown ♪

♪ 'Cause I love the unknown ♪

♪ He said he loves
the unknown ♪

♪ Because I love the unknown ♪

♪ I love the unknown ♪

♪ He said he loves the unknown ♪

♪ Because I love the unknown ♪

♪ 'Cause I love the unknown ♪

Sir?

I will have one of--

I'll have one of the--

I'll have
a slice of your--

the-- of--

one of your--
one of your--

I'll have a slice
of the-- of the--

the-- the--
one of-- what--

I mean, you can
imagine it's not fish,

because you don't
have any fish here.

At least I hope not.
(laughs)

It's good. Um...

but I'll have a slice
of the-- of your--

one of your-- um,
slices of the-- the--

the-- the-- the pizza.

You can pay me
when you're through.

You know, why don't
I make it not just--

Not-- not just--
not-- not one--

not one slice, but, uh,

I'll have-- I'll have--

Not one.

I'm gonna close up in a bit.

Why don't you just
take all three?

Otherwise they're
getting trashed.

Yes!

Thank you.
Thanks.

♪ ♪

Narrator:
Eventually,
all of this would pass.

and the memory of it would
give way to embellishment

and fantasy
and outright distortion

until it was hard
for Hal Hefner to remember

what he was
really like back then.

When he still carried
in his head the sound

of a made-up perfect voice,

the voice that could
speak its heart,

the voice he used
to wish he had,

until the day
he stopped wishing
he sounded like anyone else

and just started
talking as he was.

(car door opens)

(closes)

(sighs)

You okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

But, uh, listen...

What do you--
what do you--

I mean, what are
your thoughts on...

like, on-- on--

on love?

Oh, man, it's so late, Hal.

I, um...

I couldn't find
the-- the off-ramp,

and I ended up
circling back three times.

And, uh--

I don't even know
if I know how to get
you back to Plainsboro.

You know,
it shouldn't be--

shouldn't-- it really
shouldn't be like rocket,

uh-- shouldn't
be rocket, um...

(sighs)
Sometimes, I don't know,

I guess I just
wonder when

it all starts
to make sense, you know?

(laughs)

All what?

All this.
You know, everything.

Oh.

Well, I guess
there comes a point,

you see, when you
reach a certain age

and you're in Jersey,

or someplace just like it,

and...

you stop trying
to figure it all out.

You just...

are glad
for what you have.

Oh.

And that--
that-- that--

that just, like, happens
for everyone?

Yeah. Pretty much.

But you let me know if it
turns out different for you.

I'll do that.

I'll find...

a-- a way-- a g--

some good way

of letting you know
how it all works out.

(starts engine)

♪ ♪

♪ The doctor asked him
what he was afraid of ♪

♪ Just what was
he running from? ♪

♪ And he said,
"It's not a fear of success ♪

♪ "Nor of closeness ♪

♪ But of going through life
feeling numb" ♪

♪ That's why
I love the unknown ♪

♪ Love the unknown ♪

♪ He said he loves the unknown ♪

♪ One, two,
one, two, three, four ♪

♪ Mine eyes have seen the glory
of the coming of the Lord ♪

♪ He is trampling
out the vintage ♪

♪ Where the grapes
of wrath are stored ♪

♪ He hath loosed
the fateful lightning ♪

♪ Of his terrible swift sword ♪

♪ His truth is marching on ♪

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory,
hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ His truth is marching on ♪

♪ I have seen him
in the watch-fires ♪

♪ Of a hundred circling camps ♪

♪ They have builded Him an altar
in the evening dews and damps ♪

♪ I can read
his righteous sentence

♪ By the dim and flaring lamps ♪

♪ His day is marching on ♪

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory,
hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ His truth is marching on ♪

♪ I have read a fiery gospel ♪

♪ Writ in
burnished rows of steel ♪

♪ "As ye deal
with my contemners,

♪ So with you
my grace shall deal" ♪

♪ Let the hero, born of woman ♪

♪ Crush the serpent
with his heel ♪

♪ Since God is marching on ♪

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory,
hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ His truth is marching on ♪

♪ He has sounded
forth the trumpet ♪

♪ That shall
never call retreat ♪

♪ He is sifting out
the hearts of men ♪

♪ Before his judgment seat ♪

♪ Oh, be swift, my soul,
to answer him, ♪

♪ Be jubilant, my feet! ♪

♪ Our God is marching on ♪

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory,
hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ His truth is marching on ♪

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory,
hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ His truth is marching on ♪

♪ His truth
is marching on ♪

♪ Truth is marching on ♪