All language subtitles for Punk.Like.Me.2006.WEBRip.XviD.MP3-XVIDSubs_English

CROWD: Carne Asada,
Carne Asada, Carne Asada,

Carne Asada, Carne Asada,
Carne Asada, Carne Asada,

Carne Asada, Carne
Asada, Carne Asada.

RICH: Hello Cleveland.

SEAN: One, two, three, four.

♪ Come on ♪

♪ We're not a real band ♪

♪ We'll maybe never be ♪

♪ But one thing is for sure ♪

♪ We won't waste
this opportunity. ♪

RICH VOICEOVER: This is
my band, Carne Asada.

That's me, the front
man, Rico Suave.

These are the rest of
the assholes in the band.

The Ugly American, Dirty
Sanchez, El Matador, Chupacabra.

Packed house at the Whiskey
on the Sunset Strip,

a record release party
for our debut album.

This has been my fantasy
since I was a kid

and it all came true.

Rock comes from the gut.

It's about sincerity,
it's about truth,

and the truth is,
I'm a total fraud.

♪ It's the truth,
but the truth ♪

♪ Is you can't
handle the truth, no ♪

♪ We're not a real band ♪

(crowd cheering)

Some might call me
a wannabe or a poser

and I wouldn't argue,
but I'm also living proof

that you can bullshit
your way from the audience

to the spotlight,
no talent required.

So pay attention and maybe you
can learn to be punk like me.

Like I told you, I'm
not a real rocker.

I'm a married 37-year-old
yuppie hipster.

A musical dilettante.

I have a career, a
family, three mortgages.

I drive a BMW with a
Fugazi sticker on it,

for God's sake.

Truth is, I shoulda
given up my teen dreams

of rock stardom decades
ago, but I haven't.

See, I was a dorky kid,
that's what drove me

to carry out this charade.

No matter where
I've gone in life,

this is how I see myself,
forever the shy, scrawny kid

who desperately
wants to be cool.

No wonder that as a
teenager I was obsessed

with being this guy.

David Lee Roth was the
greatest rock and roll

front man I'd ever
seen, he was fearless,

outrageous, and
he got laid a lot.

Me, not so much.

My obsession worried
me, but then I realized

I'm probably not the only one.

When I was a kid the rock
star I wanted to be the most

was David Lee Roth.

Probably Bryan Adams.

Well when I was little
I always wanted to be

the lead singer of
the Cranberries.

Gene Simmons.

Baby Spice from the Spice Girls.

Black Francis.

(frenetic rock music)

RICH VOICEOVER: Apparently
a lot of grow up

wanting to be rock gods.

It's a deeply rooted
desire with a very real

psychological basis.

If you go back and&mber
when we are kids,

when we are little
kids, we all feel,

if your parenting was
right, we feel like

we're the most special
people in the world.

Being a star, having
everybody look at you,

having everybody admire
you, having everybody

think you're special
is essentially

recapitulating what happened
when we were all kids

if it went the way
we wanted it to go.

RICH VOICEOVER: I started
playing drums in college.

I really wanted to sing,
but I didn't have the guts.

Punk rock was my music of
choice because you didn't

necessarily have to have
talent to participate.

Over the years I went
to literally hundreds

of punk rock shows,
music took over my life.

This is in the future,
this is the show

where I lost my hearing
at, when you walk out

of a concert and
they're buzzing,

they've been buzzing
like that since 1992.

I started doing band
interviews for newspapers

and underground Zines.

I made crappy Super
8 music videos

for bands like Meat Wagon.

I even went through a
rap phase in grad school.

And it was cool man,
we would crack it live

in grad school at the
American Film Institute.

We would rock that house.

♪ Party at my house ♪

♪ Rolling in the dark ♪

♪ Hyping at my house ♪

♪ Don't be surprised to see
me writing for the mouse ♪

♪ Words coming out like
a loaded .12 gauge ♪

♪ My wagon is hyped,
24 is my age ♪

♪ Waiting like a flock at
the bottom of the hill ♪

♪ Catholic girls,
y'all dressed to kill ♪

♪ But no, I wouldn't get
so close, just looking ♪

♪ All my little penguins
just ripe for cooking ♪

Eventually I went
back to the drums.

Band after band, year
after year, never full time

but I never gave it up.

And so it went, on
and off, for 18 years.

Now I have a very grown-up life.

I lucked into a career
in Hollywood as a writer,

where music always features
prominently in my scripts.

I got married to Amy

and insisted on
singing at our wedding.

♪ I have a wife ♪

♪ She's the cutest
girl in town ♪

♪ And I'm the
happiest boy around ♪

♪ I love my Amy ♪

(crowd cheering)

We had a daughter
London, and all was well.

(baby babbling)

But I still had that itch.

My latest band was The Nude.

One of the guy's wives suggested

we should call
ourselves Midlife Crisis

and maybe she was right,
maybe it is pathetic

to be in your late
30s playing empty bars

on Tuesday nights, but judging
from the number of bands

on the club circuit, we
weren't the only ones

hanging onto the dream.

The question is,
when do you let go?

If you haven't made
it by a certain age,

you're gonna start
embarrassing yourself.

Then it hit me, if
it's getting too late

to earn your shot,
why not steal one?

So I sought out this guy.

His name, Kevin Lyman.

Kevin's the creative mastermind

behind the Van's Warped Tour,

a traveling punk
rock circus enjoyed

by over 600,000 kids a year.

Along with big name
bands, he showcases dozens

of unknown acts every summer.

I figured this is a guy
who could help me out

so I wrangled a meeting with him

and I lied right to his face.

(victorious music)

(crowd cheering)

Kevin, as you know I'm
a professional writer,

and I'd like to do an
article about your tour

for "Rolling Stone" magazine.

Great, we can always
use the exposure.

There's just one catch, I
wanna write it incognito,

disguised as just
another band on the road.

You know, gonzo style.

Gonzo style, you wanna
shoot a porno on my tour?

No, no, this is the
whole Plimptonian

New Journalism thing.

I might even expand
it into a book.

I've already got
several publishers

that are pretty interested.

Wow, so you're legitimate then.

For a second I thought
this just might be a ruse

to get your crappy
bar band on my tour.

Welcome aboard.

Honestly, I didn't
feel bad about lying.

Besides, you have to
understand how huge this was.

Combining extreme
sports, extreme music

and extremely silly
haircuts, Warped is arguably

the premiere showcase
for alternative music

in the world today.

I wasn't looking for a miracle,

I just wanted a little
taste of the glory,

and if a few white
lies were necessary

to get me in the game, so be it.

I just forgot about one
little thing, karma.

Three months before the
tour, The Nude broke up.

I couldn't believe my luck.

As the tour date got closer,
I resigned myself to failure.

It just wasn't meant to be.

(groaning)

Ow, God, wait.

You're me back in high school,
what are you doing here?

I'm here to stop you
from blowing this.

We have a chance to go on tour

and you're not gonna take it?

My band broke up, it's all over.

Have you forgotten
all those nights

masturbating into a tube sock?

You've got a wife, you
probably get sex all the time.

Right.

Well what about me, I need this.

I would kill to go on tour.

Well what do you
expect me to do?

Put together a whole new band?

The tour's in five weeks.

It's punk rock, how
hard could it be?

I'd love to, I really
would, but it's impossible.

Plus, I'd have to miss a
lot of work, and I, ow.

God, how do I become
such an old dick.

You do this or I'll make you
regret it til your dying day,

Van Halen rules, whoo!

Newly inspired, I sent an
email to everyone I knew.

I was gonna find
myself a brand new band

and this time I wasn't gonna
hide behind the drum kit.

I was gonna be David Lee Roth.

My band would include
only the finest musicians.

Failing that I'd take
pretty much anyone

who could get the time off work.

First off was this guy.

(Joe laughing)

Joe was one of my best
friends since 10th grade.

Back then he was an
amateur Speedo model.

Now he could model
male brassieres.

Joey's a mellow guy,
but when he's wasted

he turns into a shot
glass philosopher.

What does it fucking matter?

RICH VOICEOVER: Plus, he
still thinks farts are funny.

(fart whistling)

Joe was bass player
for The Nude.

He's 36, a flight attendant,
and recent law school graduate.

(Joe laughing)

He wanted to rock so bad
he would fly from his home

in North Carolina to Los Angeles
every week for rehearsal.

(speaking foreign language)

On the side, he
likes to kill bulls.

That's why we call
him El Matador.

He has a wife Julie
and a daughter Ramsey.

After the tour maybe
then he can work harder

on getting a law job.

(chaotic music)

RICH VOICEOVER: Luis, 29, a
tenured Mexican from Tijuana,

Luis used to sneak across
the border every day

to attend high
school in San Diego.

Rich might have you
believe that I snuck

across the border, that I
swam, that I jumped fences.

That is all bullshit, I did not

have to sneak across the border.

I got to school dry.

RICH: Luis went
to USC Film School

and now makes concert
DVDs for bands

like the Dixie Chicks
and Dream Theater.

His job was rhythm
guitar and vocals.

Because I can't
play I had a drink.

RICH: His main pleasure in life?

Annoying the shit out of people.

(Luis barking)

Women love Luis.
You're hot.

RICH: And I was gonna
enjoy watching him

go buck wild with
all the groupies.

We don't call him Dirty
Sanchez for nothing.

He'd never played
electric guitar before

and as a vocalist,
well he's pitiful.

But the guy is hilarious,
and he had balls enough

to step up and learn,
and in comparison.

(Luis screaming)

he made me sound good.

(punk rock music)

Chad is our resident
emo boy and lead ax man.

He's really a rhythm
guitarist, but in our band

he got a promotion.

I'm the sunglasses guy,
that's my role in the band.

I'm the guy with the shades.

RICH: Chad is more
than just the token

23-year-old pretty boy.

I think Chad is so hot.

RICH: He's a child prodigy.

He was in teen rock
act Subminute Radio

and had toured at 15.

He's also a ball-busting
perfectionist

who we dubbed The Ugly American.

Joe can't wear a whit tee shirt.

If we're gonna wear
the Carne Asada shirts

we can't have four people
wearing the black tee shirt

and Joe playing bass
wearing a white tee shirt.

He didn't wear it?
No.

RICH: I respected
the hell out of him

for coming out
with us older guys.

He actually had
something to lose

because he's young
enough that rock stardom

is still a possibility.

Do I secretly long
to be a rock star?

Sometimes I guess, I
think that, give me a sec.

Good afternoon, Hypnotic.

D, D, D flat, A, D.

(rock drum music)

RICH: On drums, Sean,
36, AKA Chupacabra.

Easily the most experienced,
Sean had spent years

touring the US and
Europe with his old band

Rhythm Collision.

After seeing him play
I swore I would never

pick up the sticks again.

He was the real deal,
and no matter how much

we sucked I was counting on him

to keep us together.

I'm the most important
part of the fucking band.

RICH: Sean is a tough
guy from the mean streets

of Philly, or at least a
delightful suburb nearby.

I was in a gang
called the Blovers.

RICH: Most of his anecdotes end

with him kicking somebody's ass,

so we stay out of his way.

I wonder who Sean is
outrunning right now?

RICH VOICEOVER: His Hobbies?

Verbal abuse.
Bitch.

RICH VOICEOVER: And mass
consumption of alcohol.

Ultimately though, I suspect
that he was just like me.

Another geek looking
for redemption.

We were ready to rock.

Unfortunately we didn't
have a clue what to play.

With 85 bands on the
bill we were facing

serious competition.

I needed advice so
I decided to use

my fake "Rolling
Stone" credentials

to get interviews
with real rockers.

This isn't live, is it?

How does my hair look?

Does this question
sound hard actually?

(Steve braying)

So are you guys
"Rolling Stone" TV?

When did "Rolling Stone"
start doing videos?

I think to get noticed
you have to have

a unique image
and a unique sound

and be willing to
challenge yourself.

RICH VOICEOVER: He was
right, we had to come up

with something
different, something

that had never been seen before.

The solution, punk
rock mariachi.

Hey, everyone likes
mariachi music.

It's fun, it makes
you wanna party.

The fact that it had
not yet been ripped off

by white punk
rockers was a crime

we were prepared to rectify.

Plus with Luis in
the band, we had

an ethnic authenticity
bands like Sublime

and the Chili Peppers lacked.

And thus of stark necessity,
a new hybrid was born,

full contact mariachi.

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

(singing in foreign language)

RICH VOICEOVER: With
the theme now set,

alls we had to do was
write a half hour's worth

of material and
learn how to sing.

(singing in foreign language)

RICH VOICEOVER: I
gave us four days.

The way we did it, I guess

is the way it could
still work today,

is you just, you practice a lot.

You gotta be good.

Get ahold of a vocal teacher
somewhere in your area.

♪ Wesley Crusher,
I'll be your toy ♪

♪ Gonna beam my way
right into your heart ♪

♪ Gonna beam my
way to your heart ♪

Oh boy.

There's nothing like
creating original music.

I do a lot of songwriting
and everything

so that's a huge, even more
of a payoff for me though

'cause it's just like,
wow, it's just like,

my songs are really
connecting with people.

This is what I figured out,

is that the secret
to songwriting,

I'm sure everybody knows this,

you find a song you really
like and you rip off

the melody, and you just
write new lyrics for it,

and then you give it
to your guitar player

and don't tell him what the
song was that you ripped off,

and he comes up with a
different guitar part.

So by the time you're
done, doesn't really sound

like the song you ripped
off, just a little bit.

(laughing) All right, you
know what it is, I think?

I've never heard
you sing before.

I think it's better if I,

if I don't listen to
the words. (laughing)

Well when you, (laughing)
"When we do the in and out

"and we got bitches hanging
from our rods." (laughing)

It's not something my husband
says every day. (laughing)

RICH: I'm talking
about you though.

Yeah, that's
flattering. (laughing)

So.
What's the plan?

I'm gonna bring this
rehearsal session

to a thundering start.

We got three guys out of six,

so the most important
thing is for you and I

to learn how to sing.

Can you walk me through
these lines here?

(speaking in foreign language)

(singing in foreign language)

The L is pronounced a Y?

LUIS: The two Ls
is like a Y, yeah.

Oh, it's two Ls?

LUIS: You can just
write a Y there.

All right, so let's
try the Ay, Ay Ays,

on key in C.

♪ La, ah, ah ♪

RICH: (laughing)
Two, three four.

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

(singing in foreign language)

(dogs howling)

RICH: Get down buddy,
come on, let's go.

Hey Amy, can you
call them up there?

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

(singing in foreign language)

Did I just fool
myself into thinking

that was pretty good?

Now that we had the music down

it was time to look the part.

♪ Get off the fence ♪

♪ Come and ride with me ♪

♪ I'm gonna stay
where they say ♪

♪ I'm on top ♪

♪ I never made it
out of this town ♪

That's Dada, what do
you think, is that Dada?

One day he comes
home and he says,

"Oh, I had lunch with
Joe and Kevin Lyman

"from the Warped tour."

And something in my heart
just went (groaning).

RICH: I know, you
don't like the camera.

Even though we were on a roll,

there was one person
who still wasn't happy.

I'm serious.

If you're gonna have
this experience,

it's something I'm not
gonna know anything about.

I'm not gonna understand
this amazing adventure

or dream that you're
having, and that's gonna be

a huge part of your memories,

and I'm not gonna know
anything about it.

So anyway, basically
what happened

is we had another
discussion about the tour

and we got it all
figured out now.

She's no longer upset about it,

because she's gonna come with,

and she's gonna be
my tour manager.

She's excited, she's
excited to come. (laughing)

Her dream is to chase
her husband around

for a couple of weeks and
make sure he stays faithful,

because that's the kind of
marriage she's stuck in.

You are so full of it.

(both laughing)

Dada.

RICH: So with Amy now
along for the ride

we decided to leave London
with her grandparents.

(punk metal music)

Now if Carne Asada
were a young band

we'd probably start
out touring the country

in a packed van.

So how many dudes sleep in here?

We can fit six in here.

We actually first started
off with two pickup trucks

'cause we couldn't afford a van.

Sitting upright in a
van for six, seven,

eight hours a day
gets really old.

RICH VOICEOVER:
Eventually we might work

our way up to an RV.

So this is your RV back here?

You got it.

If you're doing Warped Tour,
some crazy tour like that

then you're staying up 14
hours then you have to drive

12 hours and then you have
to stay up and play again,

and that's almost impossible,
people can't do that.

RICH VOICEOVER: Brutal as it is,

budget touring is a
vital rite of passage

that helps young bands
build credibility.

But we weren't young,
and we had no credibility

so I figured we might
as well travel in style.

Large screen TV, DVD, kitchen.

Bunks with the fucking
thing that comes down.

My 16-year-old self
would be stoked.

Let's go see if the bus is here.

You can play on the bus.
Yay, bus.

When the bus finally pulled
up in front of my house

it was, finally reality set in.

I mean one, that we're gonna
embark on this epic adventure,

'cause this thing was monstrous.

It's massive. (laughing)

It's a monster bus, monster.

(horn honking)

That is fucking sweet.

It looks like an airplane.

Holy mackerel.

RACHEL: I'm
claustrophobic in a bus.

I'm leaving you for this.

Beyond the wildest
dreams of mankind.

And we had $1200 worth of
liquor to pile and this thing

and a ton of friends,
it was gonna be a blast.

I think it's gonna be good.

As long as I'm busy, staying
busy, I think I'll be good.

I had been invited
to go on the tour

by Amy Wilkes.

(Rich snoring)

This girl right
here is my savior

and if I was doing
this right now

and I was the only girl
packing this bus up

I would be very sad.

But I also came to the
realization that this is when

we were gonna have to say
goodbye to London for a while.

♪ You have to take the world ♪

(London crying)

RICH VOICEOVER: I don't
even think we'd been away

from her overnight
at that point.

♪ It's required
by your clothes. ♪

There was so much
panic and guilt.

RICH VOICEOVER: And it's
tough, it was tough.

It was tougher than I
thought it was gonna be.

Bye bye pumpkin.

Obviously a lot harder
on Amy than myself

because I'm a guy and
it's just the way it goes.

There are a few reasons why
it would be very difficult

for a mother to
leave a small child.

First reason is
probably hormones.

There's a certain
chemical called oxytocin,

which seems to underlie
bonding experiences

between mothers and
infants, so there may be

some primitive
biology that says,

"I've gotta be
there with the kid."

You okay?
Yeah.

I'm such a wimp.

(crowd chattering)

Yeah, cleared the bus.

To al my friends.
To all my friends.

Amigos.
Cheers.

(speaking foreign language)

[Rich] We're On Tour.

(group cheering)

Everybody pick a buddy.

Normally when we
get on a tour bus,

that's getting on
for the first time,

immediately we get wasted.

How many Jack, how many Jack?

Hands in the air.
Two Jack.

How many tequila?

How's this gonna look
in about three hours?

Pretty bad, right?

RICH: We can make a
documentary about alcoholism.

JOE: Rich is gonna
sodomize you or something.

RICH: To the 10 Freeway.

(group cheering)

This was it man,
my dream come true.

I mean, check it out,
cruising down a highway

in a fat-ass tour bus
headed for sex, drugs

and rock and roll, a
rolling bachelor party

with all your best
drinking buddies.

And your wife.

(hard rock music)

I'm being organized,
I'm being efficient.

RICH VOICEOVER: All
right, it wasn't exactly

as I'd imagined it, but
what a woman, right?

I couldn't believe she was
letting me get away with this.

Oh God, is Sean
sleeping above me?

Meanwhile, there's girls in
the car, there's two of them.

They're saying,
"Fuck you (yelling)."

I'm like, "Shut the fuck up."

Out of all his
stories, he scares me.

I'm like, "Yo bitch,
shut the fuck up."

And the way he tells
people to be quiet,

can you imagine?

Yo cunt, shut the
fuck, oh sorry, wham!

The psychological
underpinnings of punk rock

are of course multiple,
but there are a number

that are pretty clear.

Most punk rockers are guys.

Most punk rockers
are late adolescent,

very early adult guys.

That's a period of time
when most adolescents,

young men are feeling
their testosterone.

The question is how
do you express it

in a way that doesn't
get you in trouble?

Well one way is to play very
loud, very aggressive music.

(punk rock music)

Now you gotta cut to the
scene where Amy says,

"I'm not gonna be the Mom."

I'm not making sure
everyone eats right.

I'm not gonna do the
cleaning up on the bus.

I'm not doing it.

RICH VOICEOVER: Married
guys were the most fired up

about my email, but the
closer the trip got,

the more of them bailed out.

Take this guy, for example.

I'm gonna hop on for
the first couple of days

of this journey.

RICH VOICEOVER: At
the last minute,

Eric decided to be a roadie.

No clothes, no
packing, no toothbrush.

Just buy whatever
I can on the way

and live much like our
Native American brethren.

RICH VOICEOVER: See
Eric was a newlywed.

That's why he was
totally unprepared

when the hammer came down.

Just minutes before we
left he got the call.

My wife is not pleased
with the idea of me--

Oh, how sad.

I was going on this and I'm out.

RICH VOICEOVER: He had no idea.

It takes years to pull
of a scam like this.

It was no free ride for
the single people either.

Everyone on that bus sacrificed
a lot for the experience.

(punk rock music)

♪ I realize it's been a while ♪

♪ You're not prepared
you have a child ♪

♪ So give me your address
and I can help you back ♪

♪ I need you worse
now then before ♪

♪ I'll offer you the
chance once more ♪

♪ 'Cause everything,
consider this ♪

♪ I'll take you back ♪

Why did we do it?

Do you really have to ask?

(singing in foreign language)

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

(singing in foreign language)

How's it sounding over there?

It's actually
sounding good, I'm--

RICH: It's
unbelievable, isn't it?

Yeah, you guys are actually

starting the song
at the same time.

Brilliant, isn't it?

♪ Dirty Sanchez ♪

♪ Dirty Sanchez ♪

Yeah, this is the
way we used to do it

back in the old
days of punk rock.

Travel across the
country, low budget.

We didn't give a shit
about nothing, man.

That's the way it
was, just like now.

Just like now.

Yeah, tell the driver to turn
up the heat a little bit.

It's a little bit chilly.

(Amy laughing)

10 hours later, we were
already out of booze.

I don't know if
they sell beer here.

I thought I saw a Michelob
advertisement in the window.

(mariachi rock music)

(pencil scratching)

Is there something you
can teach me how to do

on stage that would
make me look cool?

If I'm singing, "Fuck
the government,"

then it's the middle finger.

But oftentimes I'm just
responding to them out there.

There is a point, it's like
38 degrees from the horizon.

38, face forward.

Well you could tattoo a big
middle finger on your chest.

Wow, you have fangs.
yeah.

He's got fangs.

It's good to have hate
somewhere on your body tattooed.

If you wanna get the
younger girls' stuff

you should have a love tattoo.

You're tough, but you're
really sensitive as well.

See, love's on my knuckles.

And where is hate?

BRANDON: Hate's right
here on my hand.

So as you're punching some
dude, he sees it coming.

Yeah, he sees the love,
but he feels the hate.

There you go. (laughing)

Are you nervous?

Please, honey.

We got Xanax, we got liquor.

Thank you.
Thank you so much, sir.

RICH: They don't know
when we're going up?

Not yet, but we're here,

'cause we got our
little wristbands.

So that means we
can stay. (laughing)

RICH VOICEOVER:
Here's an average day

on the Warped Tour.

At sunrise the festival sets
up in a big parking lot.

12,000 or so kids arrive.

Competing for their attention
are 10 different stages

with bands playing
simultaneously for
eight hours straight.

Warped Tour is a
collection of quote unquote

no-name bands all the
way til you get to bands

like Dropkick Murphys
or My Chemical Romance.

RICH VOICEOVER: Bands
rotate every 30 minutes

making it the ideal environment
for generation what's next.

The Warped Tour is a
hot, sweaty parking lot

that a bunch of dirty
kids show up to go

and bump into each other
for about eight hours.

RICH VOICEOVER: There's
a massive skate ramp,

a punk rock swap
meet, a video arcade,

and somewhere in the thick
of it was our home base,

the Kevin Says stage.

Warped Tour has
been going 10 years,

I've been at it six
of the 10 years.

In the 10 years we've
had a Kevin Says stage

seven of those 10 years.

We get what it says,
Kevin Says sound stage,

and Kevin said, "Let them play."

SEAN: Can you see us up there?

No.
No.

They just posted the
board and what time

everyone's playing,
we're not listed yet

'cause the Kevin
Says stage is not

apparently worthy
of being posted.

Who know?
What's the story?

Carne Asada goes on at 6:00.

Sweet.
Oh really?

6:00?
Are you serious?

We go up against
Coheed and Cambria.

We'll kick their ass.

I think we'll do all right.

For some reason, I
wake up, I try to sing

and my voice sounds like,
I haven't been drinking

enough whiskey, I
need a whiskey voice.

Alcohol is bad for the throat.

Jack Daniels will help
destroy your voice

and so will cocaine.

So right now it just
sounds like I'm sick.

Are you teaching
me how to gargle?

I don't know what's in that cup.

♪ Me, ah ♪

♪ Me, ah ♪

(Rich laughing)

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I wanna stick my
meat in your oven ♪

♪ I wanna stuff my
meat in your buns ♪

♪ I make my living
selling meat ♪

♪ But I'd love to
give you some ♪

♪ I wrap my meat up in plastic ♪

♪ You'll never
catch disease ♪

♪ The flavor's just fantastic ♪

♪ Come and get some
protein please ♪

♪ Oh won't you eat my meat ♪

When we first got signed
up for Warped Tour

we were all excited
'cause we were imagining,

you're like, "Warped Tour,"
and we had been going

to Warped Tour our whole
lives and we're like,

"Dude, there's gonna
be thousands of people

"watching us, it's
gonna be awesome."

We show up and they're
like, "That's your stage."

And there's not really a
stage, it's like dirt floor,

and there's a tent over it.

RICH VOICEOVER: Okay, so
it didn't have the scale

I was expecting, but
still, we were about

to have our first
live show ever,

and we were dangerously
underprepared.

Yeah, I was a little nervous.

You expect that going in, but
you always hope for the best.

It still felt like
we were practicing

but now we were practicing
in front of 50 people.

RICH VOICEOVER: To
make things worse

we were about to
play mariachi music

for punk rock kids in Utah.

It's not the easiest sell,
but the biggest question was

would anyone even
believe we were a band,

or would they laugh us
right off the stage?

There comes a time when
your dreams and ambitions

run straight into your
limitations and your talents.

We're gonna find out who gets
the upper hand on this one.

I guess we'll get set.

♪ One, two three ♪

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha ♪

♪ Ya no puede caminar ♪

♪ Porque no tiene,
porque le falta ♪

♪ Marijuana que fumar ♪

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha ♪

♪ Ya no puede caminar ♪

♪ Porque no tiene,
porque le falta ♪

♪ Marijuana que fumar ♪

♪ I'm just a simple
business man ♪

♪ I shake hands and I grin ♪

♪ It's not personal
it's business man ♪

♪ Bend over while
I stick it in ♪

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha ♪

♪ Ya no puede caminar ♪

♪ Porque no tiene,
porque le falta ♪

♪ Marijuana que fumar ♪

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha ♪

♪ Ya no puede caminar ♪

♪ Porque no tiene,
porque le falta ♪

♪ Marijuana que fumar ♪

(crowd cheering)

That's all she wrote.

They fucking rock,
they're the best band

I've seen at Warped
Tour so far, best band

I've ever seen at Warped Tour.

Thank you so much for
coming, we appreciate it.

Very high energy, I love
the maracas of death.

They kicked the shit
out of half the bands

on the main stage.

Pretty sloppy actually, I
had some guitar problems.

It was pretty sloppy, but a
couple people liked it, so.

You never know who you're
gonna connect with I guess.

It was fucking awesome
start to finish.

It was all worthwhile.

You run out of breath quite soon

and then you run out of
beer and then you're doomed.

We pulled it off, man woohoo!

First show down, not too bad.

Pretty good reviews,
check it out.

LUIS: So what were
those kids saying to you

when you were talking to them?

They said that we were
the best band at Warped.

(group laughing)

They did.

(group chattering)

As long as we reach one person

it makes it all worthwhile.

You said it, it makes
it all worthwhile.

(punk mariachi music)

(pencil scratching)

Is there any kind of
gimmick you can give me

to make the crowd to like
me and my band right away?

Any gimmick?

You can do, "Come on!"

And what do I get outta that?

Just get them fired up?

Get the crowd riled up,
get everybody involved.

Give them a, "Come on!"

Yeah, you do a
little more girth.

Come on!
You got any more?

Come on!
Come on!

Oh yeah, that's good.
Come on!

Maybe you throw out
that scary thing.

Like giving everyone
the evil eyes.

You don't wanna go through
your life as a musician

and not say, or not have
said, "Hello Cleveland,"

but you never wanna say "Hello
Cleveland" in Cleveland.

A lot of fuck words.

Lots of curse words.
Yeah?

Lots of Mexican curse words.

You go, "You guys are
a great audience."

You go, "You guys are a
fucking great audience."

Everybody says, "Oh
my God, he said fuck.

"Yeah, I can't believe it,
I have to take my top off."

RICH VOICEOVER: Even
though I was a beginner

I felt like we killed on
opening day and I was pumped.

From here on out it was
a matter of finesse,

of learning a few hackneyed
rock cliches to work the crowd.

No one's gonna feel
good about themselves

unless you're talking
shit on someone else.

So you go, "You know what,
fucking St. Louis sucks."

And then everybody
goes, "Yay," and you go,

"Chicago rules," we're
in Chicago right now.

We're in Chicago
right, okay cool.

RICH VOICEOVER: The
road was not gonna be

that difficult to master.

Either way we were
having a blast.

And we weren't about
to let a few setbacks

throw us off our game.

So that's the stage and--

And this is our
audience. (laughing)

They're merciless,
we've got them.

They're stuck in here,
they have to listen,

they'll be enticed to
come out, turn the corner

and there we are.

The slice of those
fans were definitely

probably some of the ugliest
people I've ever seen,

and I think that's probably
indicative of Utah.

I actually, I have a good
feeling about Denver today.

I think there's gonna be
some tail running around.

And nothing's gonna
compare to California,

but damn, people are
ugly in Utah. (laughing)

[Rich Voiceover]
Morale Was High.

Now that we had the
freshman jitters behind us,

it was time to cut loose.

You can do this
in stages, really.

What's that?

RICH VOICEOVER: You
can do this in stages

but that's really finished.

I would highly advise
against performing drunk.

I would advise
definitely against it,

but I do it all the time, so.

They're getting super wasted,

you're gonna play like shit.

The last thing you
wanna do is fuck up

or make a complete
idiot out of yourself.

I've seen bands throw up
on stage, forget words.

RICH VOICEOVER: Hey
Louis, on a scale

from one to drunk, what are you?

Eight.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's truly a delight

to be here in Denver with
plenty of entertainment

from South of the border.

The music that has inspired
us our entire lives.

The music of Mexico,
the land of Luis Lopez

on rhythm guitar.

Who wants to come
back to my bus?

SEAN: One, two, one,
two, three, four.

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

♪ Canta y no llores ♪

♪ Porque cantando se alegran ♪

♪ Cielito lindo los corazones ♪

♪ De la sierra morena ♪

♪ Cielito lindo vienen bajando ♪

♪ Un par de ojitos negros ♪

♪ Cielito lindo de contrabando ♪

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay, ♪

♪ Canta y no llores ♪

♪ Porque cantando se alegran ♪

♪ Cielito lindo los corazones ♪

Taco time.

(punk mariachi music)

Yeah, yeah, it's
fucking punk rock.

You guys are awesome.

I don't even know you.

You guys are awesome.

The ironic thing was the
whole point of the tour

was to be a joke, we were
just supposed to be there

to have fun and then the
last thing I ever expected

was for us to suddenly
take ourselves seriously.

I think I had some
expectations of how good

we should be playing,
and the dedication

or the seriousness of it.

It's a fucking disaster today.

We're amateurs to begin with,
so you throw in the fact

that we're having a bad day,
the feeling you wanna crawl

and hide behind a rock
because what you're doing

you know isn't working,
and be puffing and huffing

like a fucking
grandfather is pitiful.

Thank God there
was nobody there.

And then on the good
days there won't be

anybody there either, so it
doesn't make any difference.

I smell pretty nasty.

Hi London, I love you baby.

Whatcha doing?

♪ A, b, c, d, e, f, g ♪

♪ H, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p. ♪

Water park, water park.

♪ Q, r, s, t, u, v ♪

What comes next?

Line?

She crawled away while
is singing the alphabet.

(Amy laughing)

Just like today,
just like today.

You know what you should do?

People who think that they're
great performing drunk

should just record their
show with a video camera

and a audio tape, and
just listen to it back

when they're sober the next day

and then see if they
wanna do it again.

(punk mariachi music)

(Sean laughing)

It's like a retarded sock hop.

CHAD: We fucked up on this one.

What's fucked up?
Everything right now.

Vocals.
Everything.

We're all, we're all like--

RICH VOICEOVER:
We're all different.

In a fucking haze.

(Sean laughing)

Ever since I started
listening to metal as a kid

I always thought Jack
Daniels always played

a very big part in
the whole thing.

Jack Daniels was also my
grandfather's favorite drink.

Of course Frank
Sinatra's favorite drink.

David Lee Roth, and I had
to have at least one episode

of excessive Jack
Daniels. (laughing)

(Sean barking)

I used to listen to Keith
Moon when I was a kid

now I'm married and
I have to go to bed.

Some go to party,
some go to sleep.

Well what if I came
back and joined you?

That'd be good.

Give me 10 minutes.

But you gotta do it.

You can't just say you're
gonna do it and then--

I'll say it until you
turn the camera off.

Yeah, so that's what
I'm worried about there.

See I go like this,
all right, let's go.

Yeah!

Who's that guy?

I would rather see a
band that is very drunk,

very hammered, very fucked
up, play a passable show

rather than a band that
plays a really good show

and possibly they're vegan.

I think your parents agree.

That's fucking gibberish.

I don't want a bunch of
fucking sober vegans up there

trying to do punk rock, man.

♪ We know we fucking sigh ♪

♪ We sigh and and eat
fucking broccoli, bro ♪

Jesus come on.

If we keep doing stuff like
this, it's gonna be retarded.

It'll be our worst nightmare.

SEAN: There's nothing wrong
with fucking retarded.

So what's your solution,
what do we need to do?

Our solution is, brace
yourselves, I think this

is gonna be harder for
me than for all of you

but I'm gonna try to stay sober.

Rock it and then party
your fucking asses off.

SEAN: That's what I'm
trying to say, man.

JOE: That's exactly the
opposite of what you're saying.

(Sean laughing)

RICH VOICEOVER: I knew
I should've taken it

more seriously, but I
figured it was only one show.

Not surprisingly it was the
two real musicians in the band

that were the most upset.

(pencil scratching)

The reality of
touring is it's not,

it's not groupies, it's not
sex, drugs and rock and roll

every time, you
know what I mean?

It's tricky, it's challenging.

Well people will
automatically think

that life on the road is,
you show up to the show

and you have a line
of blonds out the door

waiting to give you a blow job.

You can't eat correctly,
you can't sleep correctly.

It's hard, these
things are hard.

RICH VOICEOVER: Everyone
hates it when rock stars

whine about life on the road.

(man whining)

But guess what, it is
harder than you'd expect.

For instance, did you
know you can't take a dump

on a tour bus?

It doesn't matter if your
name's Britney, Ashley

or Avril, you're using the
outhouse, and your junk's

gonna be hovering six inches
above a pyramid of roadie shit.

Dude, it's seriously a
million degrees in there.

If you really have to take
a shit you'll pass out.

RICH VOICEOVER: You're
out in the summer heat,

you're sweating like a pig.

Man, that was a hot one.

RICH VOICEOVER: But you
rarely get to bathe.

I haven't had a
shower in two days.

I put on some suntan
lotion and it just

turned into mud on my arm.

RICH VOICEOVER: Meanwhile
your sweaty clothes

fester on a junk bunk and
make the whole bus stink.

The smell in here, I
can't even describe

the smell in here, it's
just, it's just, ugh.

RICH VOICEOVER: You don't
hang with other bands

because everyone hides
out on their buses

to escape the heat, so
instead you meet a fan

and really make a connection.

Well that's too bad, because
you have to drive all night

for the next town.

You're living on junk food,
alcohol and energy drinks

and your entire day is built
around the lousy 20 minutes

you actually spend on stage.

Would you say this is
like a dream come true

to be able to do this?

No, not really.

RICH VOICEOVER: No one
wants to hear this stuff

because it ruins the fantasy.

Even my Mohawk was a liar.

The ultimate fuck you
haircut turns out to be

a bitch to maintain.

Everyone thinks that
touring is supposed to be

one big rolling party,
but if you're naive enough

to believe that, then
you're gonna get blindsided

when you least expect it.

(punk mariachi music)

♪ We're not a real band ♪

♪ We'll maybe never be ♪

♪ But one thing is for sure we
won't waste this opportunity ♪

♪ We're gonna play hard ♪

♪ We'll jump on power chords ♪

♪ Canta y no llores ♪

♪ Porque cantando se alegran ♪

♪ Cielito lindo los corazones ♪

Arriba.

LUIS: So what do
you think about him

not being able to
sing right now?

I think he'll pull it
off, he'll pull it off.

How're you doing, Rich?

I wanna be upbeat so I
don't wanna say doomed

but doomed in a good way.

You can't even fucking hear me

and I'm supposed to sing in
front of all of these people.

Oh yeah, all right, come here.

SEAN: One, two, three, four.

(punk mariachi music)

♪ We're not a real band ♪

♪ We'll maybe never be ♪

♪ Well one thing's for sure ♪

♪ We won't waste
this opportunity ♪

♪ We're gonna play hard ♪

♪ We'll jump on power chords ♪

♪ And if we do it right ♪

♪ You won't go running
for the doors ♪

♪ First we rock it,
then we kick it ♪

♪ And we play it real fast ♪

♪ 'Til our pants fall
down our ass ♪

♪ Then we roll it ♪

♪ We cajole it ♪

♪ You'll never suspect ♪

♪ We're college graduates ♪

♪ We're not a real band ♪

Fuck, I fucked my voice up.

(audience cheering)

Rich, he's about 50%
of what's happening.

He's the one that connects
with the audience,

so he's shot, so now we
have terrible musicianship

behind him, and now we're
trying to sell tee shirts.

RICH VOICEOVER: By
screaming my head off

and not doing any
kind of vocal warm-ups

I had completely
thrashed my voice.

A total rookie mistake,
so again I asked

the professionals for advice.

Well I think every
singer struggles

with blowing out their voice.

What you can do is get warm-ups.

This is what I do, I go

"Hello, we're the Mighty
Mighty Bosstones, one, two."

You gotta at least look good.

You gotta try to fool
them as best you can.

I'm breathing from down here.

Lower, you're almost breathing

with the muscles
that you pee with.

(both humming)

You gotta get as low as you can.

You're feeling it
from the stomach too,

not from the throat.

Yeah, yeah.

You're gonna hold it out like,

if I'm going like that
everything I'm talking with

is staying out because you're
keeping that whole area open.

Oh, that's you sticking
your belly out?

Yeah.
Oh, okay.

Well we were just talking
about it backstage actually.

It's an engineering trick.

You gargle with semen.

Steve said my throat
would feel better

if I blew him, and like
a idiot I believed him.

Thank you very much.

RICH VOICEOVER:
Nothing seemed to help

and I was getting depressed.

All these people had
come through for me

and I felt like I was
letting them down.

That was miserable.

RICH VOICEOVER: We were
here to have fun yeah,

but it's not fun when you suck.

Well this is the fastest
time we've lost an audience

on the whole fucking
tour, awesome.

It's embarrassing.

RICH VOICEOVER: My
gut was telling me

this was about more than
I thought it was about.

I hadn't clung to this
dream all these years

to just go through the motions.

I wanted that feeling, that
David Lee Roth feeling.

That elusive alchemy
when band and audience

feed off each other and
three chords and a back beat

transform into something
magical and huge,

a soul-stirring anthem more
powerful than any symphony

and more personal because
it belongs to you, just you

and those experiencing
that exact moment with you.

That's the elixir I was after,
a pure rock and roll moment.

But as things went
from bad to worse--

Are we the band that just
perennially sucks every time?

It looked like we were
never gonna get that payoff.

Goodbye everybody.

One, I hope there's just one
show where we sound good.

It was so bad that I
really did wanna go home.

I wasn't fooling anybody,
and I was just gonna

make myself look more stupid
by keeping up with the tour.

And right at my breaking
point, the solution came to me.

I would have to cross
a line that defied

all rock and roll logic, I
was calling in the cavalry.

(pencil scratching)

Here we go.

Rich and I were feeling
really down about the shows

and just getting
a little homesick.

Missing London, so we
decided to call my parents

and see if they would
fly out with London.

I would not recommend
bringing the in-laws on tour

because usually the guy
that you are on stage

is not the guy you are
in your normal life,

and they might be
horrified by that.

That's definitely not
something you should ever do.

If you bring them, yeah,
everything is revealed.

And that's cuckoo.

Was it a dream come true
for us to go on tour?

No. (laughing)

(punk mariachi music)

Oh Jesus, oh God.

My parents think that
Rich is crazy (laughing)

but I think that my
parents really enjoy

watching him, and they
get a kick out of him

and really are proud of him.

London, look, that's
true, I'm going up

Oh my God, oh my God,
I'm shaking so much.

Oh my gosh, I feel like
I'm gonna drop her,

I'm shaking so much.

Oh my God, you
look bigger to me.

Look at your little--

I got a tattoo. (laughing)

Yeah look at.

We came ready to fit in.

(Amy laughing)

♪ Don't tell me your
secret lies in London ♪

♪ I already know ♪

♪ I can see your
secret lies in London ♪

♪ Everywhere I go ♪

Well London showed
up and I saw her

and how excited she was, and
she really made me feel better.

Aw, (laughing) aw.

You're crowd surfing.

I decided to go punk

You can't be more punk than me.

(London crying)

Here's our last song,
it's a political song.

I hope it doesn't
offend anybody.

It's about "Star Trek"

♪ Space, the final frontier ♪

♪ A brilliant boy that was me ♪

♪ Space was my
home for a while ♪

♪ NCC
one-seven-oh-one-D ♪

♪ There was a man
on the bridge ♪

♪ Both strong and bold ♪

♪ A warrior with pageboy hair ♪

♪ his culture was
different from my own ♪

♪ On his planet we could
have an affair, what ♪

♪ On his planet we
could have an affair ♪

♪ My name is Wesley Crusher ♪

♪ Outer space boy ♪

♪ Never though Star Fleet
could bring such joy ♪

♪ Wesley Crusher,
outer space boy ♪

♪ Da, Da, Da, Da,
that was a start ♪

♪ Da, Da, Da, Da,
that was a start ♪

♪ Wesley look out ♪

♪ Trapped in a
Jeffries tube ♪

♪ Lieutenant Worf and me ♪

♪ Trapped, no that's
the wrong word ♪

♪ It was pleasure,
it was ecstasy ♪

♪ Now we fly to the stars
on the seat of our pants ♪

♪ Elicit rendezvous
on holodeck "A"♪

♪ He plows into me
at maximum warp ♪

♪ His torpedo in my
cargo bay, what ♪

♪ His torpedo in
my cargo bay ♪

♪ My name is Wesley Crusher ♪

♪ Outer space boy ♪

♪ Never thought Star Fleet
Could bring such joy ♪

♪ Wesley Crusher
I'll be your toy ♪

♪ Gonna beam my way
right into you heart ♪

♪ Gonna beam my way to your ♪

Finally we had a good show.

Thanks so much to the audience

for being out there in the rain.

RICH VOICEOVER: But
because of the rain,

barely anyone saw it.

Don't forget your tee shirt.

It was awesome, they were good.

I love their style.

We got a lot better
according to the sound guy.

(audience cheering)

We were walking back to the bus

in the rain, pushing
all of our gear

with our stupid sombreros
on, and it just hit me

that this is the moment,
this is what it's all about.

We had had a taste of what
it's like to play well together

and from then on I knew we
were gonna have a turnaround.

Bad voice or no
voice, didn't matter.

Wet, hot and wet.

Hey ladies, hi, are you
guys having a good time?

Stay dry, you can come in
here, it's dry in here.

Luis man, the kid's
relentless, love it.

Are they skanky?
Well.

RICH: Is this gonna
be embarrassing

to have on tape?

Probably.

(punk mariachi music)

(pencil scratching)

I think that's a big
one for a lot of guys.

A lot of them have never
really got laid in high school,

and then they become
rock stars and they get,

they get all these chicks
that they never got.

RICH VOICEOVER: Remember how
happy I looked on this day?

Well that was years before I
knew I was gonna go on tour.

And as we all know from
watching metal videos

the road is all about one thing.

If you're trying really
hard and you can't get laid

on the Warped Tour
you got a problem.

The groupies like that,
I know that's part of it.

I'd say everything you
hear or see on VH1,

I'd times that
motherfucker by 10.

Hundreds of different
chicks every night.

RICH VOICEOVER: One
thing I didn't need

is these guys rubbing it in.

But I had too many girls
on my hands as it was.

Of course that didn't mean
my band had to abstain.

I'm definitely in
of some release.

I'm about to, my chimney's
about to explode.

RICH VOICEOVER: We
had different goals

but our methods were the same.

Offer alcohol.

You guys want a bloody
Mary, would that help

wake you up a little bit?

[Rich Voiceover] While
I was being Joe husband

I was silently
rooting for my boys.

Nothing gets you
props with other bands

like getting groupies,
but Carne Asada

was at the bottom
of the food chain

so they would have to
work twice as hard.

What are you doing here today?

Yelling into a megaphone.

I had no technique
with the ladies.

It's hard when you're
a 36-year-old man

and you gotta deal with somebody

who's literally half your age

and they don't know what
you're talking about

and you don't know what
they're talking about

so you just don't talk.

So I just made friends
with sweet lady Tecate.

What'd you think
of the Warped Tour?

I thought it was, I enjoyed it.

I mean, the whole concept
of it I thought was just

very foreign to me, I'd
never heard of such a thing.

Like I say, we didn't
fit in very well.

That's for sure, you could tell

that we weren't a groupie.

It's a good show today.
Why's that?

We did a lot of promoting and

a lot of people that
we talked to showed up

so I hope we play good.

[Rich Voiceover] You
can talk the talk

but if you can't rock, the
girls aren't gonna stick around.

This one was for my homies.

ANNOUNCER: The next
band coming up to

the Kevin Says soundstage is
a group known as Carne Asada.

♪ Hey, hey, let's go ♪

♪ To the donkey show ♪

♪ Hey, hey, let's go ♪

♪ To the donkey show ♪

♪ Cerveza please, senorita ♪

♪ When the show's
over can I meet her ♪

♪ She's so beautiful and wise ♪

♪ I even like her
skinny thighs ♪

♪ I want to ride her
through the night ♪

♪ So make sure her
saddle's tight ♪

♪ Cerveza, senorita ♪

♪ Now this show's
over, can I meet you ♪

♪ What I like best
are her eight boobs ♪

♪ The way she
munches sugar cubes ♪

♪ I hold her close and
beg her not to go ♪

♪ But trots off
to do another show ♪

♪ Hey ho, let's go ♪

♪ To the donkey show ♪

♪ Hey ho, let's go ♪

♪ To the donkey show ♪

(audience cheering)

Wasn't it undescribable?

We sounded horrible, right?
You're gorgeous.

What happened with the
girls in Cleveland?

I don't know, the underage girls

that I took backstage?

Yeah.
Does that sound bad?

You guys gotta party.

Wrap it up, bitch?

Well let's bring them backstage,

let's give them
this golden ticket.

That's what I remember it is as,

the golden ticket to
this rock star lifestyle.

Chad is the Willy Wonka
of the Warped Tour.

That's awesome.

Bestowing golden
tickets upon children.

Free booze.

We got groupies on the tour
bus for the first time.

Where?
Right here.

Let's go.

(bus occupants chattering)

Did he take you
out of the audience

and just get you drunk?

(girls laughing)

I got a girlfriend,
I'll get in trouble.

I was sitting
there, it's hard to,

I mean, the other day, the
other girls I knew for sure

were like 15, they
were not of age,

but today it's a little
bit harder to tell.

Awesome, Carne Asada
bus is full, baby.

Chad was enticing the
women by going (yelling).

Melanie, in progress, very soon.

I'm slightly worried
that we didn't check IDs

and have those
girls leave the bus.

I was gonna do it
and then you said,

"Oh, that's a buzzkill."

Well no, 'cause I was thinking
it was the college girls.

I didn't see those two
other ones that were--

I didn't either until
I was on the way out,

and then that's when I
went and talked to Luis.

RICH VOICEOVER: Now you
might think I was bummed,

and it's true as a
teenager this isn't exactly

what I had in mind when I
dreamed of rock and roll glory.

I dreamed of the typical stuff.

Drunk girls who say things like,

"I suck dick for coke."

I mean, has any
pubescent boy ever

had a wet dream about eating
crudite with his in-laws?

Doubtful, but I
wasn't complaining.

You know, we're having a big
orgy here in a little bit.

And we need more sugars.
And they can be in on it.

RICH VOICEOVER:
Don't get me wrong,

I'm as fascinated with
groupies as the next guy.

I mean, come on, hooking
up with some sexy

uninhibited rocker chick who
indulges your every fantasy?

You'd think I'd be
hankering to get out there

and find such a girl,
but I didn't need to.

(mellow piano music)

By midnight the magic
spell was broken

and the disco lounge
had to turn back

into a nursery by
hey, not my fault

if you can't close the
deal by nighty-night time.

AMY: We need to kick
you guys out, but.

We're getting kicked out.

It is gonna happen,
but there's a barbecue

going on right outside here.

I'm sorry I have to take
away your party room

but oh, I have to
put my baby to sleep.

Luis, outside.

Barbecue, awesome.

I think at this point,
they need the food.

Okay, go to the
barbecue, have fun.

Was is fun?

It was fun.
Good.

Were you bummed that we came
back and ruined your party?

No, it was just a fun time.

I always looked at it, to
give some people a chance

to come backstage and
to experience that,

because if I was
coming to a Warped Tour

and I ended up going backstage

that would be an
awesome experience.

Just to go to a show and then--

RICH: Someone wrote
pedophile on your hands.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny.

You gotta pay a price to
make dreams come true.

RICH: That's true, that's true.

You gotta pay a price to
make dreams come true.

I think that there's
some expectations

when you, that you're
gonna go on a rock tour,

that there's gonna be
groupies, and there's gonna be

parties, but it wasn't as
easy as one would expect.

You guys, we came back,
the place was trashed.

There's water all
over the floor.

There's chicks that
lost their cell phones

in somebody's bed,
that's rock and roll.

You guys fucking brought
it to the next level.

SEAN: We tried man, we tried.

You did, I'm really
proud of you.

(pencil scratching)

As a music fan, age can
be your worst enemy.

It turns us into hipster snobs

who read snarky music magazines,

knowing we've seen it all
before and done better.

But the Warped Tour
kids aren't jaded yet.

They'll line up for an
hour to get autographs

from a band you or
I wouldn't piss on.

To them it's all new.

They were even willing to
give a bunch of over the hill

rookies a chance.

Does it matter how
old the guys are

in the band that are playing?

No.

RICH VOICEOVER: It
brought back the days

when I would actually sit
through the opening bands.

Remember that, that thrill
of being able to say,

"I saw those guys when
they were nobody"?

We got about six bands
that started here

that are now on the main stage.

Seven, Seven Day, Seven
Fold, or something like that.

Avenge Seven Fold.

I wouldn't want to ever
play on the main stage

without playing the
smaller stage first.

RICH VOICEOVER: Eventually
the attitude of the kids

started to rub off on me.

See initially I hated most
of the bands they were into.

The Alkaline Trio stand
here like a bunch of stiffs.

There's four of them.

Yeah, four in a trio.

Hey, we're missing Newfound
Glory, we should go.

RICH VOICEOVER: And
you might agree.

You might think
all of these bands

can't hold a candle
to the ones you saw

back in your day,
whenever that was.

If you ask me, the early
'90s, that when it was

for me when you could
go to a show anywhere.

Where I grew up it was
all about straight edge

hardcore and punk rock,
so bands like Black Flag,

Minor Threat, Cro Mags.

See, it's all perspective.

And guess what,
if you're over 25

it's not your day
anymore, it's theirs

so you're not
qualified to comment.

Personally after seeing
how much of a bitch

the road can be, I have
nothing but respect

for anyone who can pull it off.

I made fun of some
bands that I didn't feel

were energetic enough on stage,

and I just gotta give mad props

to anybody who can
survive a week of this.

It takes a heavier
toll on your body

than I ever suspected.

I was getting more out
of this than I thought.

By connecting with these
kids, I was starting

to feel like a teenager again,

something my in-laws
had apparently
figured out years ago.

I found all this
very comforting.

If you're open-minded
enough to meet the kids

on their terms, you're
never too old to be a punk.

(punk mariachi music)

(pencil scratching)

You get a guy, you get a
roadie, you get a buddy.

Get them out there in the
crowd, chant the name of,

what's the name of your band?

Carne Asada.

Is that etched in stone,
you gonna go with that?

It's on the shirts.

All right, all right.

Carne Asada, Carne Asada, Carne.

I was gonna try to
work an ole into it.

Like ole, ole.

Oh that's good, that's
skinhead stuff, they like that.

No, I was thinking more
like matadors, Mexican.

In Chicago we caught
another break.

RACHEL: You got visitors.

RICH VOICEOVER: Some friends
flew in from out of town

to see the show.

What's happening?

RICH VOICEOVER: And in walked

our secret weapon, the shill.

I flew all the way out from
Los Angeles to see this band.

RICH: When we go on that stage.

We've got fans.
Awesome.

Yesterday Luis jumped
backwards off of his amp

and didn't see Joey and
came down on Joey's head

and got Joey's bass.

JOE: I didn't see
him, so I'm like this,

and all of a sudden
he jumps away.

Luis has a divot in his
guitar from where he smashed

into a fence yesterday
while trying to stage dive.

What's up?
What's up fellas.

Show that ass.
My ass?

What about your bruises?

LUIS: Check out this thing,

get a couple of the bruises.

Oh boy.
That's a hematoma.

Every band's got one friend
who's just an amazing dancer.

He's gonna get out in
the audience and pretend

that he's just a casual
fan, he's gonna get out

and so some gnarly,
violent, crazy dances

and everyone's gonna go,
"Well, that guy's really good,

"band must be good."

(punk mariachi music)

RICH: This is a song
now for the ladies.

We're gonna break some hearts.

Yeah, we do a lot
of political shit

but right now this is for
the ladies in Chicago.

RICH: I love all
you girls anyway.

Fuck it.

♪ I had a girl and
Debbie was her name ♪

♪ Since I Sanchezed her ♪

♪ She hasn't looked the same ♪

♪ Oh I love my
mustache on her face ♪

♪ Yeah I do, it looks
like a Picasso ♪

♪ My mustache ♪

♪ Dirty Sanchez, dirty Sanchez ♪

♪ Dirty Sanchez, dirty Sanchez ♪

♪ I put my finger
under her nose ♪

♪ Swiped it away and
that's how it goes ♪

♪ Oh she kissed me tenderly ♪

♪ Though it tasted like booty ♪

♪ It tasted like the Twinkie
filled with shit, you know ♪

♪ Dirty Sanchez, dirty Sanchez ♪

♪ Dirty Sanchez, dirty Sanchez ♪

Carne Asada, Carne Asada

CROWD: Carne Asada,
Carne Asada, Carne Asada,

Carne Asada. (cheering)

Thank you, thank
you, thank you Texas.

Chicago.
Whatever, whatever.

Fun there, fun there,
fun all around.

I liked your show, man.

Fucking awesome.

I don't know if it was
ever that we were awesome.

What?

That was so fucking amazing.

Honestly, I knew
these were my buddies

and they were having
this joke band.

I did not expect them
to rock my sock off.

I'd be lying if I didn't say
I wanted to sleep with them.

Do you ever have a feeling
there's people behind you?

Do you ever have that feeling

like you're trying to
give a serious interview

and suddenly there's a
bunch of clowns behind you.

And I don't think
it makes me gay

if I sleep with seven or
eight guys at a time, does it?

No it doesn't, no it doesn't.

RICH VOICEOVER: We'd
had another great show.

Even if we had cheated.

And thanks to our little
mascot we were definitely

picking up steam but
then our luck ran out.

Remember those van and RV kids

who drive all night
between shows?

Well that's what my
in-laws had been doing.

They'd been following our
bus in a rattletrap RV,

driving over 300 miles a night.

I felt like Ma and Pa Kettle,

trying to hit the
road. (laughing)

RICH VOICEOVER:
They'd finally had it

and were going home,
and they were taking

our little muse with them.

AMY: Bye bye, bye bye.

(sad rock music)

Rich, I think he really
thought being a rock star

and being on the road
is the ultimate fantasy,

the ultimate life.

It destroyed his
fantasy a little bit

which I think is good,
because then you realize

what I have is my
ultimate fantasy.

RICH VOICEOVER: We tried
to get back into it

but our hearts weren't in it.

The tour was almost over and
we were ready to go home.

Road burn had set in.

The night before our last
show I couldn't sleep.

I still wanted it, my
perfect rock and roll moment.

I was desperate for it.

I'm not a religious guy,
but I thought the Big Man

could help, so for the first
time in years I began to pray.

Hey, hey, it's Diamond
David Lee Roth.

What pathetic mortal
has dared summon

one of the rock Gods?

I'm sorry to bother
you, Diamond Dave,

but I need your help.

Let's ride.

(motorcycle revving)

So let me guess, you're
near the end of the road,

and you're desperate
to rock the house.

Blah, blah, blah.

I know I don't deserve it,
but just once I wanna know

what it's like to unleash
the full power of rock.

You still don't get it, man.

You can't unleash
shit, it's the crowd.

They're the ones with the
power, just be honest with them.

But we're just
recycling rock cliches.

We're not even a real band?

Says who, you're not
qualified to judge, remember?

For some of these kids,
you might be the first band

they've ever seen,
let them decide.

You really think so?

Damn straight, tomorrow I
want you to walk to that stage

like Prim Death and play
it like you mean it.

We'll see if old Dave can't
send some mojo your way.

Get along, little
dogies. (scatting)

(punk mariachi music)

(pencil scratching)

(bird screeching)

It's either there or it isn't.

We need to go on that
stage and break ourselves

just like the bands
that we idolized.

The best shows come from,
I don't have anything left.

Where is this gonna come from?

Take a shot of whiskey
and hit the stage.

(driving rock music)

RICH VOICEOVER: It was the
final show of the tour.

It was now or never.

We got to the stage and we
were shocked at what we saw.

People, and lots of them.

(speaking foreign language)

You guys are even better
than Chicago, Chicago blows.

(crowd cheering)

(driving rock music)

♪ Gringos ♪

♪ Ugly Americans came
piss in our streets ♪

♪ Gringos how we love them ♪

♪ Your abuse is such a treat ♪

♪ Come and get a hand job ♪

♪ At the Club Bambi ♪

♪ You don't know but your
taco's flavored with my DNA ♪

♪ Uh yeah, yeah, yeah,
what's up everybody ♪

♪ I'm the Ugly American ♪

♪ I don't care who you
are or what you think ♪

♪ comprende amigos? ♪

♪ Gringos, let's
go, you don't know ♪

♪ Riding in my limo,
smoking crack and blow ♪

♪ Steam train rocking ♪

♪ You work for me
and made me rich, lifes
a diss so suck on this ♪

♪ Peter Pan, make a wish ♪

♪ I'm the white man,
here's a twist ♪

♪ Hey yeah, yeah, I'm a
white man, here's a twist ♪

♪ Loudmouth, trenchmouth,
Ralph Malph, Blah, Blah ♪

♪ Eyesore, fucking parrot
dressed by Tommy Bahama♪

♪ Fatass, belly, shorts
with black socks ♪

♪ You shoot golf
while your daughter ♪

♪ sneaks off to
throat our dogs ♪

♪ Ah what's up, that's right ♪

♪ The Ugly American is back ♪

♪ How come you
didn't listen to me ♪

♪ Now shut up, here we go ♪

♪ I'm a corporated,
multi-layered bag of lies ♪

♪ with straw ties ♪

♪ Big green eyes ♪

♪ Like alligators,
manipulators, ♪

♪ I'm a evil tax
evader, the perpetrator ♪

♪ I don't lie, I steal ♪

♪ I'm broke this ain't no joke ♪

♪ I took a country on a bounty ♪

♪ With a shotgun double
barrel, shooting ducks ♪

♪ Like Colin Farrel ♪

♪ Gringos gringos ♪

♪ Gringos gringos ♪

♪ Your worst export ♪

♪ Gringos gringos ♪

♪ Gringos gringos ♪

♪ In Bermuda shorts ♪

♪ Gringos gringos ♪

♪ Gringos gringos ♪

♪ Parlez Vous ♪

♪ Gringos gringos ♪

♪ Gringos gringos ♪

♪ We love you ♪

(audience cheering)

We may not wanna stop today

'cause you guys are
fucking awesome.

It was awesome.
Awesome, dude.

Best show here I've seen.

It was great man, hilarious.

It was so awesome.
It was fucking amazing.

Got on top of the tent,
and swinging around.

The show was amazing,
it definitely was.

There fucking
different, it's great.

Hell yeah.

It was great today.

He's the only lead
singer I've ever seen

get in the pit.

Nobody does anything like this.

I'd pay to see them.

RICH VOICEOVER: We'd
finally pulled it off.

For these kids on
this particular day,

we were a real band.

It wasn't even anything we did.

There was no rhyme, no reason

and very little talent involved.

But somehow the planets
aligned and we rocked.

It was fucking incredible.

The rush that you
get from performing

and having people
actually respond to it.

I'm not even drunk
and I'm feeling

this incredible happiness.

For 20 minutes or so
on a Sunday afternoon

in Minneapolis, I
am David Lee Roth.

You play a good game
of tennis or something,

or you wash a car and you like
how you feel about yourself

and you like what
work you've done,

I think it just comes
clear after the good show,

we all could look at each
other and enjoy the moment.

You come out on the
road and it is hard.

It's not gonna be easy, but
if you follow your dream

it'll eventually come true.

When you wash your car
or when you play tennis?

Look, it's like any
kind of struggle.

Something good is
waiting at the end.

Yeah, I think we did a
pretty good job, considering.

RICH VOICEOVER: The road
is a young man's game.

It's not just a rolling
party, it's hard work.

Too hard for the likes of me.

We'll never be rock
stars, but that's cool.

We'll always have that moment.

I figure if you can make a
lifelong dream come true,

even if it's just for a few
minutes, you're doing okay.

LUIS: I think this whole thing

was just a great experience.

Like the Butthole Surfers said,

"It's better to regret
something you have done,

"than to regret something
you haven't done."

It was the greatest vacation
you could ever have.

You couldn't pay
for that experience.

Well that's what I'm saying.

You can't buy a spot
on the Warped Tour.

RICH VOICEOVER: Some
people listen to music.

Other people are
driven to make it.

But what drives those
of us with no talent

to perform at karaoke
nights across the planet?

Maybe it's hope, the
hope that we can be

who we wanna be,
that we can evolve

beyond our limitations
and become the people

that would make our
younger selves proud.

(audience applauding)

I got an award for
changing the most.

Let me say something,
I ain't changed at all.

Van Halen fucking rules, y'all
have changed, that's right.

And maybe, just maybe,
it's the hope that we can

make this world a better place

by singing one from the heart.

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ From the bottom of my heart ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

Good afternoon, Hypnotic.

May I ask who's calling?

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ From the bottom of my heart ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

Did I ever fantasize about
the band actually making it?

I still fantasize about the
band actually making it.

Though I don't really
wanna admit it,

and I don't wanna pretend
that I take it seriously.

I would love for the
album to take off

and us to be able to go on tour

and play on "Saturday
Night Live" or something.

But I thought the
whole point was that,

that you realize life
on the road was not

beneficial for you, because
you missed your family life,

and you didn't like the whole
work of being on the road.

And now you're saying you
wanna go on tour again.

Hello. (laughing)

She's right, I didn't
really like it.

(Amy laughing)

♪ Hey ho, let's go ♪

♪ To the donkey show ♪

♪ Hey ho, let's go ♪

♪ To the donkey show ♪

♪ Cerveza please, senorita ♪

♪ When the show's
over can I meet you ♪

♪ She's got such
flowing brown hair ♪

♪ She takes the stage
like Fred Astaire ♪

♪ They come from
miles just to see ♪

♪ My Latin goddess in
the throes of ecstasy ♪

♪ Hey ho, let's go ♪

♪ To the donkey show ♪

♪ Hey ho, let's go ♪

♪ To the donkey show ♪

♪ Cerveza please, senorita ♪

♪ When the show's
over can I meet you ♪

♪ She's so beautiful and wise ♪

♪ I even like her
skinny thighs ♪

♪ I wanna ride her
through the night ♪

♪ So make sure her
saddle's tight ♪

♪ Hey ho, let's go ♪

♪ To the donkey show ♪

♪ He ho, let's go ♪

♪ To the donkey show ♪

(donkey braying)

♪ Louie, he was a butcher ♪

♪ He was the son
of a butcher too ♪

♪ He knew how to
treat the ladies ♪

♪ And the ladies all loved Lou ♪

♪ Then one day he saw her ♪

♪ A girl she was
called Lou-anne ♪

♪ Louie longed to date her ♪

♪ But she was a strict vegan♪

♪ I wanna stick my
meat in your oven ♪

♪ Wanna stuff my
meat in your buns ♪

♪ I make my livin'
selling meat ♪

♪ But I'd love to
give you some ♪

♪ Yes I'd love to
give you some ♪

♪ Space, to be made ♪

♪ A brilliant boy that was me ♪

♪ Space ♪