Original subtitles

[exciting music]

CHRISSY: When you said you were taking me to Spain,

I thought we'd eat tapas and stroll the Riviera.

Not watch defenseless animals get killed.

It's just a pit stop!

Afterwards, we'll hit up the flamingo thing you wanted.

Flamenco. It's art through dance.

[bull bellowing]

[chuckles]

[crowd cheering]

[groans]

[bull bellowing]

Now watch your dad work his magic.

[hyperventilating] SATAN: Hey, pal.

You got three punctured organs and 30 seconds to live.

Any unfulfilled desires

from your tragically short life?

[speaking Spanish]

What if I could give you that dream after you die?

That you could have the freedom to fishbrain and soul grind

for eternity under my care?

All you have to do is sell me your soul.

Uh, yeah, don't do it.

Just spit here.

Spit!

Spit right there. Spit.

[yelling]

[screams] - Jesus Christ.

Congrats, sweetie.

You just witnessed your first soul collection.

Yeah, congrats.

You duped a guy into signing a contract

he didn't even read to go where and do what exactly?

I just fulfilled his ultimate desire.

Dude, I've heard straight preachers

warn about eternal damnation.

I've seen Little Nicky.

Western culture's given you a misguided view

of how I operate.

I'm actually very above board, morally speaking.

Then, like, show me his eternity under your care.

I mean, if you want me to consent

to join a siren seed someday,

I gotta know what I'm consenting to, right?

Exactly!

It's about fucking time.

Come on! Hot damn!

[rumbling]

You're gonna love this place so much,

you're gonna want to kill yourself to join!

Don't yet, okay?

Yet?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[people cheering]

Welcome to my Soul Hole.

Take a whiff. - What the fuck?

The smell is my favorite part.

Sit on me!

I'm a chaise lounge.

Sing Billy Joel to me.

It's the only thing that makes me come.

Morally above board, huh?

Well, the thing is, you see,

souls are super valuable

because they power the universe.

This is a tiny collection

compared to my Soul Imperium in hell.

But I'm seeing steady growth!

So you trick innocent people into signing up

for this torture porn flophouse

so you can have more power.

Well, it's not torture.

What you're seeing is absolute free will.

Look at our friend over there, rollerblading around the room.

Happier than a pig in shit.

I guess.

[creatures snarling]

What the fuck?

You call that free will? - Yeah!

See, that guy wants to rollerblade.

Those guys want to eat rollerbladers.

Free will means no limits.

He'll regenerate eventually.

So he can do it all over again?

Yeah, that's the way it works here.

Man, this is some real messed up libertarian bullshit.

Ah, you're being pretty reductive.

[alarm blaring] Oh, fuck yes, they're here!

Ooh, yeah, I think that's my cue to skedaddle.

No, no, honey--

Snake with Arms said he'd introduce me

to the Step Up franchise.

And between a hot, sweaty Channing

and that burger gobbler--

The hole can be overwhelming.

But seeing newbies arrive will change you forever.

Fine.

But this is your last chance

before I stan my Chan.

Goddamn, I love that Chan.

[doorbell rings] LAURA: Hey.

Hey, Laura! What's up?

Yeah, so I caught Irwin hoarding anger leeches

for his substitute teaching gig,

so I set off a bug bomb to prevent another infestation.

Can I crash here for the night? - Oh.

Uh, sorry, Laur.

It's-- it's not a good time.

Try the Thompsons.

Their normcore lifestyle screams Murphy bed.

You're the only neighbor I haven't threatened

physical violence to, so--

Ugh, fine. Fine, come on in.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

Oh, well, you must be exhausted

from your bug massacre or whatever.

Let's get you to bed. - Bed? It's 8:35.

Okay, here's a pillow. There's the bed.

You know what to do. - Ah!

Hey, Darlene-- DARLENE: Night, Laur!

What the-- are you kidding me?

Is this because I wouldn't go see Sade with you?

[bang] [yelling]

Hello?

Darlene?

Ugh.

[ominous music]

Okay.

Holy shit, this place looks a lot smaller on the outside.

Ah!

There we go.

Mama needs her medicine.

What do we got here?

I want that brown stuff.

Couple of cubes of ice in that, please!

Ah! [grunts] [glass shattering]

Hey, I was saving that for a special occasion!

[running footsteps]

DARLENE: Gus, are you okay?

What did she do to you?

Gus? GUS: I'm okay, Leeny.

I just got the bejesus scared out of me, that's all.

Made a little piss. - Wait a minute.

Darlene, you know this ghost?

Laur, this is my husband.

Ex-husband. - Who are you?

A wrestling coach?

[cackling]

That was good.

[foghorn blowing]

CHRISSY: Why do all dads like boats?

Was there a meeting or something?

Wait till you see how excited they get.

It's like a baby eating chocolate for the first time.

All right, here we go.

Any minute now.

Huh.

Where are my fucking souls?

Uh, that might explain it.

"Dear Satan,

"Thanks for the souls.

"Biggleheim will pay big bucks for them.

Eat shit. Marv, the Beast Guard."

That backstabbing son of a--

Who's Biggleheim?

Biggleheim's not a person.

It's a place.

The hub of the soul trade.

A funhouse trash heap

where corporate con artists trick souls

into eternal suffering by offering

roller coaster rides and branded swag.

We gotta get my souls back before it's too late!

Those souls sound better off in Biggleheim

than your Soul Bowl.

Soul Hole!

And didn't you hear what I just said about Biggleheim?

Yeah! Branded swag, roller coasters.

It sounds cool.

Man, your selective hearing is on fire today.

It's an evil place, Chrissy. - And this isn't?

I think you've been sniffing your own farts

for way too long.

You're gonna wish you were eating my farts

once I show you a place of torture and torment!

We're going to Biggleheim!

DARLENE: Relax your grip, baby. Good.

I thought both your exes ran off

with Russian catfishers.

Oh, that was hubbies one and two.

Gus was number three.

We were in the process of mending fences

when he died.

One moment, I'm getting my new

Craigslist business up and running.

The next, a weather satellite's crashing on my head.

Luck of the Slovaks, I guess. [chuckles]

Darlene, how long has Gus been here like that?

Uh, I noticed he was here when my broken bidet

started working again.

Gus always loved me with a clean caboose.

[chuckles] That was a few months back.

Mo--months? Oh, fuck.

DARLENE: What? - Ghost can only stay

on the corporeal plane for so long

before they turn into wraiths. - What?

Vengeful spirits who hunt the living and feed off misery.

Oh, that's ridiculous. Gus couldn't hurt a fly.

Show me where you keep your most precious memories

from your relationship. - What? Why?

Oh, man.

DARLENE: Uh-oh. GUS: [groans]

He doesn't look good.

Man, I'm feeling strange, Leeny.

Like when I opened that hookah restaurant

on top of that open gas line?

DARLENE: Oh! - Do it now!

Just give me a moment to mourn that hand!

- Darlene. - It did things to me

you'd never believe.

- Ugh. - Boom, boom.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Biggleheim,

where remarkable souls like you have the freedom

to choose your own afterlife.

♪ ♪

Milady.

No wonder you're so sensitive about your Soul Hole, Dad.

I mean, how could anyone compete with this?

SATAN: Stop! - What are you doing?

We need disguises to sneak inside.

You want dibs on being the big pretzel?

No? Okay.

CHRISSY: Why are we sneaking?

Eh, I'm a rebel of the industry.

So much so, the Biggleheim schmucks

banned me from re-entering

and revoked my soul-collecting license.

Pretty rock and roll, huh?

Yeah, the Phil Spector part of rock and roll.

SATAN: Phil Spector! I love Phil Spector.

I got the Christmas album.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Biggleheim,

where your afterlife awaits you.

PRIMORDIAL: Funky like a chicken?

You like to fuck chickens?

Come to Polymelia afterlife and get a hug.

Two of them!

Wow! Mutton chops? Who knew?

So are all these booths run by real gods?

There are no gods, Chrissy.

Some douchebags invented that concept

to manipulate naive souls like yours to their cause.

These afterlives are run by eternal beings

called primordials.

That's what I am.

PRIMORDIAL 1: Slip and slide here.

PRIMORDIAL 2: Mormon afterlife over here!

No birth control allowed.

CHRISSY: Seems like these souls get to live plush,

peaceful afterlives, and yours get ripped to shreds.

ANNOUNCER: Make some noise for the Biggleheim Angels!

Whoa!

Oh, fucking kill me.

B-B-B-B-Biggleheim!

[electronic music]

Y'all having a good time tonight?

I can't hear you!

I said, are you having a good time tonight or what?

Yeow!

♪ Heaven is a place for each of you ♪

♪ I promise you, this much is true ♪

♪ So come and join our paradise ♪

♪ It's limitless and really nice ♪

♪ Heaven ♪

♪ The place to be somebody ♪

♪ In death ♪

Now, this is an afterlife where souls would actually

want to spend eternity.

It's like they're BTS and you're some old guy

who records BTS covers in their mom's basement.

These are the assholes I was talking about!

They're frat boys trying to make you drink their piss!

Oh!

There's that rat bastard Marv.

Okay, Chrissy, let's go!

Where'd she--I should have brought the leash.

I still don't understand why I gotta get rid of

all these precious memories.

Most of this stuff is dildos and gardening tools, Darlene.

Yeah, that's my entire 40s!

Unfinished business is the reason Gus can't go.

He died while trying to mend your broken marriage.

His unfinished business is you.

DARLENE: That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

LAURA: No. We need to cut all ties

between you two so he can cross over.

Cross over? I just got settled.

Leeny-Beany-Tortellini and I are doing gangbusters.

My online business in ladies' fashion

is gonna get off the ground any day now.

I can feel it in my garter belt.

Aha! Divorce papers. DARLENE: Oh, God.

This will help you remember how much you hated each other.

If I didn't know any better,

I'd say this was unnecessarily cruel.

Darlene, you called Gus a serial adulterer...

DARLENE: Yeah? - Who cheated on you

multiple times. DARLENE: Yeah?

Doesn't that sting?

It wasn't multiple times, Laura.

It was one time with multiple people.

Actually, it was multiple times

with multiple people, but one family.

DARLENE: Lot of sisters.

Darlene convinced you that you were

the star of a Truman Show-like experiment

entitled, What's All the Gus About?

I still stand by that title.

But her abuse did reunite me

with my biological father,

who then turned out to be a paid actor!

- Argh! - Laura.

Let's not get our panties in a bunch.

Speaking of, the duck pattern pair

you got on is a real nice choice.

What the? Why, you

Norman Bates peeping motherfucker!

Stop fighting! Stop fighting right now, okay?

There is no unfinished business.

Our love is strong.

Stronger than death!

[thud]

Oh, God. Okay.

Let's maybe put unfinished business back on the table.

PRIMORDIAL: Thumb Realm is like Palm Springs.

Weather's always nice, and we have a heated pool!

[chuckles]

You're gonna love my afterlife, little girl.

The email list, by the way, is really just

a community bulletin type thing.

We really won't advertise--

SATAN: Beat it, you fat fucking toe!

Hey, man. The lady can speak for herself.

The lady is alive and 13.

Hmm. Come find me when you die.

Ah, man. This thumb guy's so cool!

He runs this, like, resort with a giant projector

so his souls can watch movies on the lawn.

You should take some tips!

You won't make a verbal agreement with me,

now you're signing up for other afterlives?

Who knows what dystopian shitstorm that asshole runs.

You trick souls into living in a pit of agony.

Hanging with that thumb

couldn't be worse than your Soul Hole.

I know you're a kid who thinks the hereafter

should be sunshine and ice cream,

and you judge me for being the genius who created hell.

If you created hell, then why aren't you there?

Why are you running a shithole ambulance chasing on Earth?

Before you came along, I commanded fear and respect

from every goddamn belief system ever created!

And now you're trying to convince yourself

that you're still on top because you don't want to admit

you're an outdated fossil!

I had this stupid idea that having a child

would make me stronger.

But you're just too fucking naive!

You're never gonna get this until you open your eyes

and experience it.

Big pretzel out.

Goddamn, she takes after her mother.

I'm telling you, I got two of them now.

CREATURES: Go, quick, quick, quick, quick.

Quick, quick, quick.

Quick, quick, quick, quick.

Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.

My souls!

MARV: All right, a little bit to the left.

To the left. Okay, that's great.

Now drop it slow--

Hey, Marv.

Any last word before I finger your eyes out

and fuck your empty skull?

Just a couple.

We got him!

CREATURES: Quick, quick, quick, quick.

MICHAEL: No need to struggle, Satan,

'cause we ain't ever gonna let you go from our hearts.

ALL: Or our clutches.

I'll never get this shit until I live it?

Well, fuck you, Dad!

Who's living now?

[phone chimes]

Happy Hour, boat to Thumb Realm at 6:00.

Free drink ticket.

Huh, I guess I gotta open my eyes and experience it.

SOUL: Oh, no! There's so many afterlives recruiting me.

It's like, oh, this is so awkward!

I mean, I was popular in high school,

but who would have thought I'd be popular in the afterlife?

[solemn music]

♪ ♪

[buzzing] - Whoa!

What the...

Hmm.

MICHAEL: [laughs]

I didn't recognize you in that whacked out man-suit.

Didn't recognize you

without your boss's dick in your mouth.

Back in the day, you would have never

fallen for a trap like this.

ALL: You're weaker than ever now.

I can't believe your bitch ass

sold me out to these jag-offs.

They offered me my own realm.

It's open concept.

Everything's buffet style.

Spare me, shitbag!

[yelling]

Shit's about to get biblical, bitches.

THUMB: Chrissy! So glad to see you dead.

CHRISSY: Oh, this place is so great and classy!

Hey, everybody. This is Chrissy.

She's here for pool hour.

Why do they all look like thumbs?

Here in Thumb Realm, we all take on

the one true and pure form.

All is balanced, fair, peaceful.

That thumb get too much sun?

Pool time is over!

Game time!

Why don't we show Chrissy Thumb Print?

Chrissy, you're gonna love this.

I present the Great Thumb!

It measures our love for thumbness!

Huh. Okay.

Who wants to go first?

How about you?

Oh, uh. Yes, of course, Thumb.

No problem.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

This is a Dybbuk Box.

It won't cure him, but it sure as shit

will contain him forever.

I don't know, Laura.

I already put Gus in one wooden box.

I--I don't want to do it again.

- Break it off, Darlene! - I can't!

Even the bad memories seem not so bad now.

You're romanticizing a toxic relationship.

Okay, and you and Satan didn't have good times?

He's made my life a living hell!

Without him, you wouldn't have Chrissy, right?

Oh, whatever. I'm doing this.

It's okay, baby.

Don't be scared.

♪ ♪

[chanting spell]

[rumbling]

♪ ♪

[yelling]

Leeny! I love you!

Gus-Gus!

Ooh!

I'm still going in!

I'm still going--

Darlene, no!

♪ ♪

Uh-oh.

♪ ♪

So, Alan, how does thumbness

help you in your day-to-day life?

Uh, we--well, when I think of how fleshy

and--and stumpy I am, I never feel down!

You use pleasant words, but the Great Thumb

sees through your lies.

ALAN: What? No!

Thumbness is a "dream thumb true."

[chuckles] Ah, fuck it!

I hate thumbs!

I miss my fingers and my genitals!

[grunts] [all gasping]

Oh, fuck!

THUMB: [chuckles] So fun. Who's next?

- You're insane! - Hey, now.

Check yourself, or you'll get thumbed.

Shit, my dad was right.

[tense music]

Stick yourself up an ass, you fucking thumb!

[all gasping]

[groaning]

Ah, shit!

I'm stuck! This sucks!

What sucks?

That you're on your back like an amputated turtle?

Oh, bend, you useless fucking knuckles!

[all gasping]

[grunting]

Damn it!

I only had some hands!

[yelling] [squishing]

[all cheering]

Oh, thank you! Thank you so much!

With Thumb gone, we can make this place a real paradise!

Uh, I-- I gotta go find my dad.

He needs help with a thing,

but have fun thinking for yourselves again!

Oh, wait, wait, we're gonna have

lots of good thinking times! Ha!

Darlene?

I should warn you,

I get violent at hide and seek.

Ask Chrissy.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[creature groaning]

[gasps]

♪ ♪

Oh, God.

Okay. Um...

[creature snarling]

Oh, fuck!

[chanting]

[dramatic music]

GUS: Leeny!

DARLENE: Oh, God!

I have a confession to make!

I'm not his unfinished business!

What?

We started a business together.

We wanted to succeed as a team, even if it was

just selling my used underwear online.

Oh, God, Darlene!

Not that it matters! Nothing sold.

We're gonna die 'cause nobody wants my dumpy dundees!

Okay, so what you're saying

is if someone buys your underwear...

His actual business will be complete and he'll leave, yes.

But it has to be from a stranger!

He'll know we're pitying him.

Who do we know that would buy your dirty underwear?

Wait.

[rock music]

Hello?

Buy what now?

[thud] DARLENE: [yelps]

LAURA: Hurry, hurry, hurry!

God, you son of a bitch!

[ding]

Darlene?

What--what happened?

Good news. Online perverts

are sexually attracted to your wife.

We got our first sale?

Oh, Leeny-Beany!

I told you, great collection, great hips, great--

BOTH: ♪ Lady ♪

DARLENE: Oh!

Goodbye, Gus.

Thanks for the memories.

Goodbye, Darlene.

Hey, real quick, are-- are you gonna send me

my half of the money, or...

You know, you keep it.

I'll hit you up for it on the flip-side!

[somber music]

Hey, you okay?

I think so.

It'll be nice getting back to the single life.

There's a speed dating event down by the adult bookstore

tomorrow if you want to-- - No, no.

I'd rather go die in a bug bomb.

♪ ♪

[grunting]

Did I just get the craziest deja vu?

Or is this exactly how you looked when we...

♪ Kicked your ass out of hell ♪

- Kicked out? - Fuck hell!

I got a new thing going on.

Word from Wibby Turkle is that girl of yours

is a powerful little bastard.

So that's what this is all about.

We can't have you and your Lucifreak

grabbing up all the power for yourselves, now, can we?

Boss feels that wouldn't be fair.

Where is that Beelzebaby, B-T-dubs?

When you find it, you better bring a fucking army!

I'm talking tanks! Nukes!

Golems that shoot lasers out of their dicks!

Because Chrissy don't take shit from nobody!

She gets that from me. We're rebels.

MICHAEL: How sweet. But heart to heart...

ALL: ♪ Time to cut out yours ♪

[crackling]

MICHAEL: [yelling] - See?

What did I tell you? [cackles]

Hey! Get that bitch!

CREATURES: Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.

♪ ♪

[creatures screaming]

♪ ♪

[screaming]

[screaming]

[grunts]

Hey, girl, it's time to die!

CHRISSY: [screaming]

Get away from my daughter!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[speaking language]

[electronic music]

Fuck this.

We outie.

This ain't over, Satan.

Not by a long shot.

♪ ♪

Could a fossil go nuclear like that?

Fuck no.

Hey, thanks for the save.

Yeah, back at you.

You were right.

This place blows chunks.

So, you've come around, huh?

Finally see the wisdom of the Soul Hole?

Oh, yeah, no, no, no.

The Soul Hole's still a shit place

fucked up beyond all imagination.

It's just not the worst place out there.

That's fair enough.

Come on, kiddo. Let's get out of here.

Hey, Dad, what the angel said about you

getting kicked out of hell, was that true?

Is that why everyone now thinks you're a loser?

Um, yeah, I guess.

Pretty rock and roll.

Speaking of, you want to go mess with Phil Spector's soul?

I know where it is.

Yeah, I'd like that.

[dog barking]

So how was your weekend?

It was actually pretty good.

Yeah?

What'd you do, wipe out a fairy forest?

Dad's not as two-dimensional as you think.

Uh, okay.

What'd that fucker say about me this time?

CHRISSY: Nothing.

Well, that's right.

He better not. [scoffs]

Because if he did, I would say something to him that--

say something back, so...

And he knows it.

He knows he can't say shit.

Got nothing to say to me.

If he was like, "You're ugly,"

I'd be like... [blows raspberry]

"You are."

Uh, whoa, is that a bird's nest?

I didn't know they're--no.

That's just a pile of sticks.

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