Original subtitles

- Hey, what's with the outfit?

- We're doing a lover's lane shoot.

- Based on your idea, Maya.

Women in the '50s.

- No, my idea was for a story about women in their 50s.

- Well that's just distasteful.

- So did Elliot pick Kaylene

to be in the lover's lane shoot?

- Well, he's been jitterbuggering her for a while now.

What do you think?

- I don't.

I mean, I do think

I just don't think about them.

I mean, who does?

I mean, really, who cares?

- Nice cover, very smooth.

I can't tell that you like him.

So what about this idea for a photo spread?

Women in really, really, really high heels.

And naturally they're tickling each other.

What if they're in their 50s?

- Hey, Jack.

- Elliot.

- Hi, cutie, that looks great.

That looks great.

- Big news, I got offered a residency

at Los Angeles Children's Hospital.

- Los Angeles, wow that's great, but it's so far away.

- Which is why I turned it down.

- Really?

- I want to work in New York so we can,

you know, be together.

- Wow, I don't know what to say.

You're so sweet.

- No, you are.

- Aw.

Okay, now it's getting awkward.

I really should've walked away.

First I said aw, then it got a little awkward,

then I realized I should've just walked away.

- What a story.

I like the middle part where you were feeling awkward.

- Okay, Dad, I just booked my tickets for my vacation.

I'm leaving next Monday for two whole weeks.

- Hey, why does she get two weeks when I only get one?

- Because last year you took 87 personal days.

- So dear, where are you going to?

- It's a group bicycle tour of Provence.

- Ah, France, you'll love it.

The quaint villages, the friendly people.

Don't tell them you're a quarter Jewish.

- You know, I dated a cyclist once.

Well, he rode a unicycle.

Well, his bear did.

Well, it actually wasn't his bear.

I'm done.

- I hear these group tours are a great way for singles

to get together, so Maya I have my fingers crossed.

- Well, uncross them.

It's a group of women cyclists.

- All women?

What do you do if you get a flat?

- What?

- Maya, you go to a place like Provence for romance,

not to exercise with other girls.

- Oh, don't be silly, it's gonna be great.

We'll do 80 kilometers a day, see art,

experience local custom.

Then at night, we'll sit around the campfire

and just talk, I mean really talk.

Then we'll sleep hard because we rode hard in France.

I'm so stoked!

- What's wrong with her?

Has she given up on men?

It's like she's throwing in the towel.

- Yeah, into the women's locker room.

- What does that mean?

- Oh, don't get me wrong.

I'm just saying she's a lesbian.

- Maya's not gay,

but at this rate she's gonna be an old maid.

- Listen, do you wanna fix her up with some of the men

I'm finished with?

- No, thank you.

But it's time I did something.

I mean, before you know it she's gonna be middle-aged,

living alone, no man to come home to, no children to hug.

- Oh, Finch, that is some serious biking gear.

Are you really gonna let me borrow it?

- Yes, if you promise to be careful.

- I promise, and I'm gonna bring you back

something really special.

- Yes, you will.

You will go to a small dark shop in an alley

off Rue de Sezac in Marseille.

You will give this note to a man named Bobo.

He will give you a package.

You will not open it, you will not get it wet,

you will bring it back to me.

- Couldn't I just get you some cheese?

- Oh, it is cheese.

It's amazing.

Check this out.

Solar signaling mirror.

Self-inflating bicycle inner tube.

Bell.

Check this out.

- Oh, what is it?

- Guess.

- Socks?

- It's a tent.

Sleeps four.

Had some wild times in this baby.

Ain't no rules out in the jungle.

- I'm not sure she'll go for this.

- It's all in the presentation.

Maya?

A notion just popped into my head.

Pop, apropos of nothing.

What would you say if I said dating service?

- That is a great idea.

- Oh, thank God.

- It could be a series of articles.

How it's the perfect solution for the busy professional.

How it doesn't have the stigma that it used to.

- No, no, no, no dear.

We meant a dating service for you.

- Me?

Those things are for losers.

- Maya, it's a high-class service.

Even their ads are done in that diploma handwriting.

- Oh God, how could you insult me like this?

- It's not insulting, it's just a helping hand.

It breaks my heart to see you alone and unhappy.

- Dad, alone and unhappy are not the same thing.

I'm very happy.

Please, mind your own business.

- Maya, you'll catch more lesbians with honey.

- Hey, Elliot.

- Hey.

- What's the name of that restaurant in Paris

you loved so much?

- Le something.

- Thank you, that's so helpful.

- Man, I would love to go to France.

- Oh, I know, it's gonna be great.

Cheese and bicycles and nobody meddling.

- Yeah, no meddling, no meddling.

- Hey, Elliot, what's wrong?

- Nothing's wrong, everything's right.

Kaylene is changing her life for me.

- You look all clammy.

- Aren't you listening?

Kaylene is changing her life for me.

She's gonna want me to change my life,

and I don't want to.

I love my life.

I love sleeping on the diagonal.

I love having a room just for my berets.

- Hey, you don't have to convince me.

Being single rocks.

- Yes, it rocks.

- No one to tell you what to do.

- You can do whatever you want.

- Whenever you want. - Whoever you want.

- This is wrong. - Wrong.

- We've tried this before.

- We always talk about how wrong it is.

- Yes, I'm not saying there isn't chemistry.

- Because clearly there is, you know.

- But still... - Exactly, you know.

I gotta, you know.

- I should.

- Alright, well you know, have a nice day.

- Did the dating service say what the guy looks like?

- No, it could be anyone.

- Let's try him.

Carl?

- Yes?

- We've been very anxious to meet you.

- Very anxious.

- I must've checked the wrong box on my application.

- No, no. - No, no.

- No, no, you're here to meet Maya Gallo,

and we're her advance team.

Oh, oh

- This is Nina Van Horn.

- Hello. - Hello.

- And I'm Jack Gallo, Maya's father.

- Oh, well instead of flowers, I should've brought a pig.

I'm a student of world cultures, and in the Solomon Islands

one would bring the girl's father a pig or pigs

depending on her quality.

I'm sure Maya's a 20-pig woman.

Of course if it doesn't work out, you owe me a goat.

- He's perfect for her.

- So what's Maya like?

I know from her profile that she's really smart

and a hater of evil.

- I was in a hurry, and I didn't know what her hobbies were.

- Anyway, yes Maya is a hater of evil,

and she's very well-read.

- Entire books, big ones.

- And she's concerned with the environment, politics,

but what I really want to emphasize

is my daughter's an old-fashioned girl.

She likes to take things very, very slow.

Wrong, you and me is wrong.

Oh, you're right, wrong.

It was wrong before.

And it's still wrong.

Oh, very wrong.

- Maya, there's something different about you.

What is it?

- Nothing.

- No, it's like you had an intense physical experience,

then couldn't sleep and then used a cheap conditioner.

Finch, what's different about Maya?

- Different about Maya, hm.

Not the hair.

Shoes I've seen.

- Something is definitely different.

- Stop it!

How would you like it if everyone was just staring

at you all day?

- Like it, why do you think I dress this way?

Are you aware that my bottom is completely numb?

- Hey.

- Hey, hey.

- You took off right after, you know.

- Yeah, I was just, it was weird.

But nice. - Oh, it was more than nice.

But what does it mean?

- Um... - Hey, Elliot.

- Hey. - Hey, Maya.

- Hey.

- Boy, I guess you guys aren't morning people.

But this should cheer you up.

I brought you some of those fruit rollies you like.

- Oh, thanks.

- And, drum roll please,

your very own key to my new apartment.

Gosh.

- So don't I get a kiss?

- In front of all these people?

- All what people?

It's just Maya.

- That's right, it's just Maya.

- Maya.

- See you later.

You know who would be perfect for her?

My friend Janice.

- Oh, Jack, look there's an exhibition of Polynesian kettles

at some museum on Friday.

It would be the perfect first date for Maya and Carl.

- What if Maya's busy?

Look, Carl's okay, but I'm not sure he's the one.

- Well, think about it.

A bird in the hand is worth two if by sea.

- I don't know, he's not much of a go-getter.

He's more of a sitter-arounder and reader-too-mucher.

Maybe we should get another opinion.

- Is this Maya?

- No, this is Dennis, a friend of Maya's.

- He wanted to meet you too.

- Oh, then it's fair to say I'm still in the hunt.

Huzzah!

- Alright, settle down.

Dennis.

- Is this Maya.

Okay, it's your first date, the waiter spills wine on Maya.

What do you do?

- Apologize for choosing the restaurant,

then spill wine on myself in a show of unity.

- Aw.

- Okay, you've taken her to a play.

You discover there's nudity, but it's tastefully done.

Story related.

Stay or go?

- Apologize for choosing the play.

If she decides to stay, I make it perfectly clear

with my body language that I am in no way aroused.

- Favorite Sondheim musical?

- I'm going to shock you, Passion.

- And we are done.

- Can I take another crack at the first one?

- No.

Will you excuse us a moment?

- Certainly, certainly.

Is this far enough?

Too far? - That's great.

No, right there, buddy.

You're the man.

Lose him.

- What?

- He's a dishrag.

Who needs someone that desperate for approval?

- I think you're completely right, Dennis.

- I am?

Thank you, Jack.

- Alright, let's get this over with.

Carl?

Carl, I don't know how to say this so I'm just gonna say it.

Dennis?

- Okay, Carl, here's the deal.

You fought a good fight, but it's over.

- What did I do wrong?

- Pretty much everything.

You might want to rethink the whole package.

- Guess I should just be leaving.

Unless this is part of the test,

the part where I stand my ground, assert myself,

and claim what is rightfully mine.

- No.

- Right.

- Okay, I know that was a little weird out there,

but now we're alone, so let's talk.

Last night was great.

You were a little bossy, but I gotta say I dig that.

- Oh, stop it.

Why aren't you at Kaylene's new apartment

eating her fruit rollies which are, by the way, 0% fruit.

- Maya, I can't...

- There's more fruit in the wrapper.

- Maya, just let me say one thing.

- I refuse to be the other woman!

- Alright, you go ahead.

- I watched women move in on my father when he was married,

and I found them cheap and slutty.

And now I find myself cheap and slutty.

And that is a pretty hard thing to find.

- It wasn't like that.

- It was exactly like that!

You're with Kaylene, and I slept with you.

Where's the part where I'm not cheap and slutty, huh?

Where is it?

- Maya, alright, alright, alright.

We're all adults so let's deal with the situation as adults.

If I break up with Kaylene, would you be my girlfriend?

- What are you, weighing your options?

You don't wanna quit your job

before you got another one lined up?

- No, that's not what I'm saying.

It's just that there's Kaylene,

and if last night was a one-time thing...

- One time thing?

Stop calling me a slut.

And what is all of this Kaylene, Kaylene all of a sudden?

Yesterday, she was busting up your beret room,

and now she's your reason for living.

- Hey, you know, just stop using my words against me.

See, this is why men never share their feelings,

because women always remember.

- You slept with me because you have a commitment problem.

You used me.

- Oh, please.

Please, you used me because you're tired of going home

to your Lifetime Channel and your soup for one.

- Okay, no more talking.

- Hey, we're not in the car anymore.

- Yeah, and we never will be again so just get out of here,

go make your life with Kaylene and her fake fruit rollies

and her preferential doctor parking.

- Fine, fine, but not because you told me.

- Oh, bite me!

- Once again, we're not in the car anymore!

- You do realize you're not discovering France?

- I'm changing my plans.

I'm leaving for Provence tonight.

- Tonight, why?

- Because the weather is good and the dollar is strong,

and there's no reason for me to stay here.

- Hey, Junior, you're not going anywhere.

Where's the double knot in your canteen, huh?

Look at that bed roll.

One gust of wind, and it's E.T. phone home.

This fanny pack, it's not a tail.

Cinch it up, show some pride out there.

- Shut up.

- Okay, get my cheese?

- Maya, are you alright?

- Yes, of course.

- Well, you look like you had an emotionally draining

experience and then chose an unflattering eye shadow.

- I lost my damn passport,

and when I find it, I'm out of here.

Away from this magazine and makeup and men.

There's a little knob that's pressing right into my spine!

- That is your flare gun, mam.

Maybe we should talk in here, Kaylene.

- So what's goin' on?

- This is so hard.

Okay, you're terrific, no question, but when I imagine

myself with someone special, I'm imagining someone else.

- I'm listening.

- See, first I thought I was just afraid of commitment,

you know, then when I picture myself with this other person

the fear isn't there, mostly, mostly.

- Wait a second, you're leaving me for another woman?

- No, see, she doesn't want me,

but I can't stay with you as long as I feel this way.

- Wow.

Are you okay?

- I mean, you think you know someone,

and then you discover that he's completely delusional.

- Excuse me?

- Good luck with the other woman.

Oh, and let her know that your children will be insane.

Damn it.

- Maya?

- Found my passport.

- And sorry about the cold feet before.

Okay, she's right down there.

- You aren't going with me?

- We don't want it to look like a setup.

- But it is a setup.

- But we don't want it to look like one.

Come on, Carl, this is zero hour.

Stay with me, boy.

- Locked and loaded sir.

- Right.

- My tummy feels funny.

- Don't panic.

Just keep in mind she can be a little standoffish at first.

Oh, this is less wrong.

Oh, much less wrong.

So much less wrong it's actually right.

Oh, it's very right.

It's good to be right!

Very good.

You good.

You right.

We're good together.

♪ Life keeps bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause it's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps bringing me back to you