All language subtitles for Ghosts s02e01 The Grey Lady.enng

BOTH:
Welcome to Woodstone B and B.

(floor creaking)

Babe?

(yelling)

Jay? Jay?

That not good.

SAMANTHA:
Hey, sweetie, how are you feeling?

I'm okay, it's just
that I really

hit my head hard, though.
Ouch.

Do you think I can see 'em?

See who?
The ghosts.

I mean, when you hit your head,
you could see ghosts.

Are there any ghosts
in here right now? No.

Okay, well, that's probably
why I'm not seeing any.

So far, so good.

The dream is still alive.

I'm gonna go check downstairs.

You should just
stay here, get some rest.

Yeah, you're right.
(doorbell rings)

Thanks, babe. Love you.

Love you.

(door opens, shuts)

Flower?

Hey, Thor?

Isaac?
No Pants?

Oh, my God.

Pete.

Jay. You can see me?!

Gadzooks! Jay can see us!

I don't believe it.
(stammers)

Bring it in, big fella.

No, no, no.
(groans)

(laughs)

What is happening?

Hey, where's your arrow?

Jay, why are you hugging
the delivery guy?

Huh?

Damn it.

*

(indistinct chatter)
(Samantha clears throat)

As you all know,
our first guests--

not including the ones
that left

after the floor collapsed--
will be arriving at any moment.

Please be young and hot.

And we really need
this visit to go well.

After the floor thing, the last
people gave us a scathing

one-star review on Yelp.

Which is a website where
customers can rate and review

businesses like our B and B.

The fates of industry
should not be decided

by commoners.

Sometimes you bite
into a sausage

and you get a worker's thumb.

Get on with your miserable day
and let the factory owners be.

The point is, we need everyone
on their best behavior.

Yeah, and that means
no ghost powers. Okay?

Thorfinn, no futzing
with the electricity.

(grunts)
And, guys,

let's just stay out
of their room. Okay?

It's not a peep show.

Yeah,

I'm looking at you,
No Pants.

No, you're not, sweetie.
Damn it.

It's cute how bad
he wants it.

(chuckles)
Oh, come on.

Why do you care if we go
in the guests' rooms?

They won't know.

Yeah, we've been
spying on Livings

for hundreds of years.

Until TV it was our only form
of entertainment.

FLOWER:
Yeah, honestly, Sam,

if we can't spy, why are we even
opening this B and B?

Uh, to earn money
so we can eat.

Oh, someone can consume food.
Must be nice.

And I'm like, that ain't a
ruler, it's a bracelet, bro.

(laughs) Yes.

Oh, hey, Nigel.
What are y'all watching?

A historical program entitled
How About Those '90s.

(laughs)
Show's so fun,

doesn't even feel
like learning.

MAN (on TV):
How do I get myself an intern?

Well, it's getting late.

What? Oh, no,
but we're still

at nineteen hundred
and ninety-four.

We don't even know
if that O.J. fellow

tracks down the real killers.

Isaac, feel free to call
on me at the shed. Adieu.

How about those '90s, huh?
(laughs)

Is it just me, or does he
seem rather uncomfortable

hanging out here at the mansion?
I must say,

he did seem in
quite a hurry to leave.

Yes, I wonder if
something's wrong.

Well, have you talked
to him about it?

(scoffs)
No.

(chuckles) That sounds like
an unpleasant conversation.

Indeed. Avoid relationship
conflict at all costs.

Yes.
Bottle it up.

Allow the resentment to fester

until the hatred becomes
so ever-present

you must turn to the
sweet, sweet milk

of mother morphine
to numb the pain.

Yeah, a short conversation
couldn't hurt.

TREVOR:
Damn, did you get a new perfume, Sam?

It is working, girl.

It was my late mother's.

I only have a
little bit left,

so I use it sparingly

whenever I want to feel her
watch over me.

Thank you for the
verbal cold shower.

Sam, they're here.

They're here!
Okay.

(doorbell rings)
Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome to the Woodstone
B and B.

Oh, hi there.

Gosh, this is beautiful.

It's like I've died
and gone to heaven.

Oh, if only it were
that simple.

I'm Debbie, and this
is my husband Tom.

Short for Thomas,
like the English muffins.

No relation.
(both laugh)

These two are brutal.

(laughing):
English muffins.

Well, I'm Sam, and
this is my husband Jay.

And these are your
signature welcome cocktails.

TOM:
Thank you very much. Mm-hmm.

Wow, that hits the spot.

Very nice.
Mmm. Yummy.

(laughs)
Bingo. Mm-hmm.

Well, I think you'll find

that is just one of the many

special touches that
sets Woodstone apart

from the B and B herd.

Oof.
Yeah, that was hard to watch.

I'll just, uh, show you
to your rooms. Okay. Thank you.

Okay.
Yep. Enjoy your stay.

Thanks a lot.
Right this way.

DEBBIE:
Okay, right behind you.

Well, they seem happy.
Lame but happy.

(chuckles) Yeah,
I think that went really well.

I'm not so sure, Sam.

Let me tell you something
about your polite

Midwesterners there.

They can be very tricky.

And this is 18 years in the
travel agency game talking.

What are you talking about?

They loved the house.

They loved the cocktails.
But did they?

They left them barely
touched right there.

That's true.
Not even a second sip.

This type of customer,
they're all smiles,

but you never know what
they're really thinking.

So you're saying they
kvell to your face

but kvetch behind your back?

Possibly. Based on
context clues, I think so.

And I know, 'cause I was
the one they would complain to.

I mean, you should have seen
the angry faxes I would get.

"Hecks" and "darns"
flying all over the place.

JAY:
Babe, great news.

They love the room.

But do they, Sam?

Do they?

ISAAC:
What do you say we head up to the mansion?

There's just not much
to do here.

Not much to do? Hello?

Have you not experienced
the drama of the ants?

Now, those boys have pep.

Yep, certainly can't deny
the pep.

And yet, at the mansion,
we have the added benefit

of watching television

and not being watched
by your former lover.

Just pretend
I'm not even here.

Okay, it's just--

Nigel, do you have a problem
with where I live?

What? No.
I love the mansion.

If I were forced
to pick nits,

your friend Thorfinn
can be a bit much.

Oh. Oh, this is
about Thorfinn.

It's just, the yelling
and the jocularity.

And he murder stories
and the endless cod anecdotes.

Yes, no, I get it.
I get it, trust me. (laughs)

You know what I'll do?
I'll just ask him, um,

to rein in his energy a bit.
I'm sure he'll understand.

(sighs)

Oh, God, I was so nervous
to bring this up,

but I'm so glad that I did.

As am I.

You know, I think we work
very well together.

(scoffs)
Heard that before.

Thank you.

SAMANTHA:
I found Tom and Debbie's Yelp profile.

Geez, look at these reviews.
These people are vicious.

"The only thing worse
than the day-old bread

"at Linda's Shrimp Shack
was the foul smell

coming from the kitchen.
Steer clear. One star."

It's weird.
They seem so nice.

Pete says it's common.
He dealt with this

all the time back when
travel agents

were still a thing.
Hurtful.

Okay, well, there's
a couple good ones in here.

So I guess we just got
to do our best

and then we try to get
one of those.

There is one
other possibility.

We spy on them.

Not for our
entertainment

but to help you guys.

See what they're really saying
behind closed doors.

And doing behind closed doors.

They're like 60.
I'm very bored.

SAMANTHA:
I know we were against it before,

but it's not the worst idea.
What's happening?

The ghosts are saying
they could spy on the guests.

JAY:
No.

But if Tom and Debbie
have complaints,

then we can find out
and course-correct

while they're still here.

It's so creepy,

not to mention
totally unethical.

two-faced Duluthers,
you do what you gotta.

Jay, think about it.

People could think that

our one bad review
was a fluke,

but two bad reviews?
Our only reviews?

Would you stay
at that B and B?

We're not gonna have
two bad reviews.

We're gonna crush this,

without creepy ghost spying.

No offense. Okay?

Okay, you're right.

Thank you.

So you want to go
with our thing?

Oh, hell yes.

Yes!
(laughter)

Thor? Thor, remember
when Nigel was over

and we were watching that
television show earlier,

How About Those '90s?

(laughs)
Yes! Most interesting decade.

Probably best '90s since 1190s,
though 1490s were pretty wild.

Yes. Anyway, um, you were kind
of, like, doing this thing

where you were talking over
people and hitting people

and just being
very boisterous.

And it was just
a little bit much.

And, um, I was just
wondering if maybe you could

tone it down a little?

Where is all this
coming from?

Isaac and Thor
always watch TV together.

Never complain before.

W-Well, if you must know,
it's coming from Nigel.

And I would push back,
it's just that it's

so new, and I do
enjoy his company.

I see. So... Isaac
embarrassed of Thor.

No, I'm just simply saying
that when Nigel's around,

maybe you're around less.

So mere presence
of Thor is problem.

Yes. Well put.

Fine! Thor won't be around.

Thor go where he won't be
problem for you anymore.

Where he won't be problem
for anyone!

Okay, well, thank you
for hearing me.

They call these sheets.

They are as thin
as that toilet paper.

Man, Debbie is really chafed
about that toilet paper.

Literally.
(laughs)

Knock, knock.
Room service.

Hey.

Jay's homemade cookies.

So, how are you settling in?

Everything okay
with the room?

Oh, everything's perfect.

Could not be better.
Yes.

Lies.

Thin sheets, hard
towels, cheap TP.

Debbie's really chafed
about it. (laughs)

Sam hadn't heard it yet.

You know, are those
our summer sheets?

Would you mind if I changed them

for something
a little more plush?

Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no.

These are fine.

He said he'd rather sleep

on his boat tarp, Sam.

No, I insist.
Let me change them.

I slept
on a boat tarp once

with several members
of Fleetwood Mac.

Little uncomfortable
but super easy cleanup.

NANCY:
Hey, guys.

Oh, it's upstairs.
How lovely.

Listen, you guys got to do
something about your boy Thor.

He's totally depressed and he's
bumming out the whole basement.

And we like to keep it light
down there.

Wait, what's Thor
doing in the basement?

He moved down there,
after Pantaloons here

told him to get lost

because his British boy toy
doesn't want Thor around.

Isaac, is that so?
Is it telling the truth?

No, I-I merely suggested
he tone down his energy a bit.

I suppose, upon exit,

he did cryptically promise
he'd not be around anymore,

but I just thought
that was his Viking temper.

Isaac, go apologize to Thor.

No.

No.

I don't even know what
this thing is with Nigel yet,

but whatever it is, I don't want
to ruin it before it starts.

So I'm sorry
that Thor is unhappy,

but when is it my chance
to be happy? Hmm?

When is it
old Higgintoot's turn?

Oh, God.

(exhales)

Thank you for coming.

You're welcome.

Leave.

Okay. Oh.

JAY:
What'd they think of the cookies, huh?

They said they loved them.

Yes. Mwah. See? I told you
we'd crush it.

Bad news, Sam.
They hated the cookies.

Oh, although
I tried one myself

and I had some thoughts.

Tom didn't like
the salt on top.

I wasn't sure about
the salt on top.

But other than that, seriously,
babe, the cookies were perfect.

Debbie's saying there's
too many chocolate chips.

Although maybe there were
too many chocolate chips,

now that I reflect
upon it further.

(chuckles)
What's going on?

You always loved my
chocolate chip cookies.

Okay, I hadn't wanted
to hurt your feelings,

but Tom and Debbie actually
did say something to me.

What? Really?

It was very out
of character,

but it's growth for
them, which is good.

Okay, well, I'm just
gonna talk to them.

Wait, what? No-no.
Why?

What is going on?

Hmm?
First they love the cookies,

now they don't, and now you
don't want me to talk to them?

Oh, boy. He's putting it
together.

Oh, my God, you did
have the ghosts spy.

Busted.
Just a little bit.

Unbelievable.

Not a great turn
of events for Sam,

but Jay's one hell
of a gumshoe.

Okay, yes, I should
have told you.

But honestly, it's working.

I am able to respond in real
time to their every need.

What did I miss?
Jay figured it out.

Ooh, exciting.
Which one's Jay? SAMANTHA: I get it.

It's hard to hear criticism.

But honestly, if Tom and Debbie
thought that I was

doing something wrong,
I would love to know about it.

Trevor, shh!
Wait, what?

We didn't want to say
anything.

We know you're not the
best at taking criticism.

I can handle it.
JAY: Oh.

Do the ghosts have
some opportunities

for you to improve?

Debbie thinks
you're too chatty.

Too chatty? That is...

...very useful criticism.

Thank you for letting me know.

I will strive to improve
that area of my personality

during the remainder
of their visit.

Seems like she could've said
that in a lot less words.

Well, I am ready
to strap on the old feedbag.

(laughs) Something
smells delicious.

Oh, I believe that is
Jay's famous duck.

But before the main event,

your farm-to-table
dinner starts with

a wide assortment
of taste delights

from across the Hudson.
Keep it brief, motormouth.

I'll get your salads.
TOM: Oh.

(small chuckle)

Odd woman.
Agreed.

TV ANNOUNCER:
The year was 1996,

and the Spice Girls
were everywhere.

This new fab five
burst onto the scene

with their message
of female empowerment

and, above all,
loyalty to your friends.

Hmm.
* If you wanna be my lover...

Loyalty to friends.

I guess the '90s were
a different time.

* Friendship never ends...

Damn these English bards.

Catchy.

* Taking is too easy,
but that's the... *

Okay, so apparently
they're loving your bread rolls,

but they think that I slouch
and do other stuff wrong.

Hi, couple more action items.

Uh, they do not like the
playlist, they think you hover,

your voice is too high,
and the pattern

in your grandmother's butter
dish is satanic.

And now they hate my playlist,
they think that I tend to hover,

that my voice is too high, and
apparently that the pattern

on my grandmother's
butter dish is satanic.

JAY:
I hate these people.

Ugh... I better get
back out there.

Oh, I don't like the look
of this fork.

It's dingy, like the house.
Yeah, look at this.

Here are your salads.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Yummy.
I'm gonna switch out the butter dish,

'cause why not, right?
(laughs) Okay.

Is it too bright in here?

No, not at all-- Thank you.
Thank you.

Hmm. That's better.

You're hovering, and somehow

your voice has gotten
even higher.

(deep voice):
I'll let you enjoy your salads.

Thank you.
Thank you.

(snoring)

Is he...

Asleep? Yeah.

The floor's pretty uneven,
so we tend to sleep standing up.

Like livestock. You'll get used
to it after a few decades.

NIGEL:
Why on earth have you

dragged us down
to this miserable pit?

Because I have something
to say to Thor,

and I need you to hear it.
Thor?

Isaac.

I'm sorry.

You are a good friend,
and I have treated you poorly,

and I would like you
to come back upstairs.

You... truly mean this?

Thor not annoying?

Well, those are two
different questions, but yes.

No, I mean it.

And, Nigel,
I care about you.

But something I learned today
is that if you want to be

my special companion, you got
to get with my Viking friend.

Oh.
NIGEL: I see.

I didn't realize
how much he meant to you.

Yes. Neither did I.

Thorfinn, forgive me.

Perhaps I judged you
too hastily.

Is okay.
Thorfinn acquired taste,

like sour ram's testicle.

God knows I'm not
everyone's cup of tea.

I like sitting in a dirty shed
watching ants all day.

THORFINN:
Wait.

You like watching ants?

Thor loves
watching ants, too!

Basement ants best ants.

Come. Yes.

Oh! Now, these boys
have gumption.

(laughs)
Thor and Nigel bonding.

NIGEL:
You and Isaac should come to the shed to watch our ants.

ISAAC:
Oh, good, back to the shed.

Jay, how are we coming
with that duck?

Did you change
your sweater?

Oh, yeah, apparently
Debbie thought I was looking

a little washed out.
(chuckles) Okay, here's a thought.

Tom and Debbie suck.

I agree with that.
Jay.

I am sick of sitting here

and listening to
them criticize

the best person
that I know. Aw.

Sam, I think they're
crazy with this one,

but they hate your perfume.
JAY: What's wrong?

They don't like my perfume.

The perfume
your mom gave you?

Yeah, it's okay.
It's a little old-fashioned.

Nope. Uh-uh.

Uh, Jay?

Ooh, it's on.

DEBBIE:
Oh, a visit from the chef.

TOM:
Ah, is it time for our duck?

Oh, if you think you're getting
even a nibble of my duck,

you are sorely mistaken.

Look, it's one thing to complain
about cookies and candles,

but the fact that you could
find anything bad to say

about my wonderful wife

is bonkers.

Yeah, she's a
little talkative,

but I love every word.

She's kind
and she's smart.

And her voice is mellifluous.

And she's got a great ass.

And I know no one's debating
that, but I'm on a roll.

And you know what else?

Jay's cookies aren't too
salty, they're amazing.

And he's got a great ass.

And you might not be able
to see it in these pants,

but if you put him in,
like, a soft jean

or maybe a chino,
your jaw would drop. Thank you.

Well, this is not gonna
make for a good Yelp review,

but God bless these crazy kids.
TOM: Wait.

How do you know
we said any of that?

Um, thin walls.

Very thin.

What-- You've been
eavesdropping on us. Why?

Because we're trying
to start a business

and we read all your
vicious Yelp reviews,

and we were just trying to do
something to make you happy.

What do you mean you read
our Yelp reviews? (chuckles)

Those reviews are
anonymous. That's right.

No, we can see your
names and pictures.

Uh, no.
No, no, no, no.

No, that is what we see
on our computer. Right.

No, I can show you.

Okay. Yeah.
Well, we'll look.

(gasps)
This is not good.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
We went after everyone.

They're all there.
Oh, no, we tore apart your sister's Shrimp Shack.

DEBBIE: This is a nightmare.
We have to move. TOM: Oh. Oh, no.

Wh-Where are you going, Tom?

To unplug my laptop, Debbie.

We got to get
those reviews off-line.

Well, I don't think that's
how it works, Tom. Tom!

PETE:
Yelp reviews may not be anonymous, but you know what is?

Conversations with your
trusted travel agent.

Unless you tell me you murdered
someone. Or stole a robe.

JAY:
Oh, babe.

Tom and Debbie left us
a Yelp review.

Oh, I'm so nervous.

"There may be nicer
places to stay

and softer sheets
to lay upon..."

Let it go, Debbie.

"... but the proprietors

"of the charming
Woodstone B and B

really care about
their guests."

Oh. "Sam and Jay not only
anticipated our every need

"but alerted us to the tragic
hacking of our Yelp account,

"which led to the besmirching
of some of our

"favorite institutions,
including the delicious

and normal-smelling
Linda's Shrimp Shack."

What is hacking?

It means someone broke
into their account,

but Tom and Debbie are lying.

They're just doing
damage control.

Babe, they left
us five stars!

(cheering)

"And this is our vow
to you, people of Yelp,

we will not rest until we find
the real hackers."

Oh, like O.J. with the
real killers. (laughs)

I bet he found them.

That fellow seemed
very determined.

Well, seems like
it all worked out.

Yeah, but I don't want
this to be an endorsement

for you to keep using

these ghosts
behind my back.

It is the last time
I do that, I promise.

Good.

Unless, like,

it's something
really important, right?

Mm-hmm.
What's that?

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