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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are thosegood old-fashioned values ♪
4
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a manwho positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.
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It's almost Oscar night.
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Boy, we've lost so many greats
this year,
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including a dead costume designer
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who will get spill-over applause
15
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from the photo of Sean Connery
that directly precedes him.
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Tonight, we salute
some past Best Picture winners,
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whichever ones I spin on this wheel.
18
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The wheel has spoken!
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The Silence of the Lambs.
20
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♪ ♪
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Ah... what a beautiful day
to not get bodily fluids
22
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thrown in your face and hair.
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And now, for some rock tunes
to pump me up.
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♪ One, two princes kneel before you... ♪
25
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Oh, right, 'cause it's the early '90s.
26
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Vaulting over a log.
27
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Jumping a water hazard.
28
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Climbing up a cargo net.
29
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Becoming an FBI agent is basically
30
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like being on
Battle of the Network Stars.
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- ♪ You rockets ain't in... ♪
- (MUSIC STOPS)
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♪ ♪
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- Aah!
- Agent Starling.
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Good to see you.
35
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Wh-Why is your face so big?
36
00:01:43,421 --> 00:01:45,996
Oh, this movie is mostly
extreme close-ups.
37
00:01:45,997 --> 00:01:47,981
Oh. Yeah. Weird.
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00:01:47,982 --> 00:01:49,816
Anyway, sorry you had to
come so quickly,
39
00:01:49,817 --> 00:01:52,244
but this thing
with no timetable couldn't wait.
40
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We need you to talk to
a super smart psychopath.
41
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How smart?
42
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Like, he can do
the New York Times crossword
43
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through Thursday.
44
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Friday, he can maybe get
a corner or two.
45
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,180
So, what's the job?
46
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Fancy creep, eats people.
47
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- Talk to him.
- Got it.
48
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,519
And this is a big deal,
'cause you're a woman.
49
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:10,537
We're not gonna say it's a big deal,
50
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but everyone watching
will know it's a big deal
51
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'cause of the time period,
52
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even though a man is helping you.
53
00:02:15,435 --> 00:02:16,985
Now run along, toots.
54
00:02:17,811 --> 00:02:19,852
(BIRD CAWING)
55
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(YELLING GIBBERISH)
56
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So, you're in the FBI, huh?
57
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Me, too.
58
00:02:26,152 --> 00:02:28,611
Got this bad boy in Venice Beach.
59
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Okay, all right.
60
00:02:32,066 --> 00:02:33,808
You can talk to Lecter now.
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♪ ♪
62
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Hello, Clarice.
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00:02:42,485 --> 00:02:44,837
Dr. Lecter, I need your help.
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00:02:44,838 --> 00:02:48,065
Nope, nope, nope. I'll only help
if there's a quid pro quo.
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(SIGHS) Okay, what is it?
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I want Mario Lopez to record
my outgoing voice mail message.
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00:02:53,921 --> 00:02:55,663
What?! You're insane!
68
00:02:55,664 --> 00:02:59,095
He's a huge star
at this specific sliver of time.
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Figure it out. Those are my terms.
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00:03:01,763 --> 00:03:03,730
♪ ♪
71
00:03:05,007 --> 00:03:06,733
(GASPS)
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00:03:06,734 --> 00:03:10,679
Sorry, these Capri Suns are
notoriously difficult to open.
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(SPIN DOCTORS' "TWO PRINCES"
PLAYING ON RADIO)
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♪ Yeah, one, two... ♪
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(FAINTLY): ♪ That's what I said now ♪
76
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- ♪ Princes... ♪
- (MUSIC STOPS)
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(STRAINING)
78
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You need some help?
79
00:03:28,921 --> 00:03:30,164
Yeah, thanks.
80
00:03:30,165 --> 00:03:33,517
I can't seem to get
this giant 1991 computer
81
00:03:33,518 --> 00:03:35,611
into the back of my van.
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Careful, I had it on for
20 minutes, so it's very hot.
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(GRUNTS)
84
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Okay, I got what you asked for.
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00:03:47,183 --> 00:03:48,925
MARIO LOPEZ: Hey, this is Mario Lopez
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00:03:48,926 --> 00:03:50,611
letting you know that Hannibal Lecter
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00:03:50,612 --> 00:03:51,854
can't get to the phone right now,
88
00:03:51,855 --> 00:03:53,355
so please leave a message.
89
00:03:53,356 --> 00:03:55,387
And now, I think I'm about
to be saved by the...
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00:03:55,388 --> 00:03:56,450
(BEEPS)
91
00:03:56,451 --> 00:03:57,618
Not good enough!
92
00:03:57,619 --> 00:03:59,603
I wanted him to record it as Slater.
93
00:03:59,604 --> 00:04:01,615
What?! You never said that!
94
00:04:01,616 --> 00:04:03,290
It should've been understood.
95
00:04:03,291 --> 00:04:04,941
Don't test me, Starling.
96
00:04:04,942 --> 00:04:06,794
A census taker did that once,
97
00:04:06,795 --> 00:04:09,279
and I ate his liver with dry Cheerios
98
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,126
and a mashed-up banana.
99
00:04:11,127 --> 00:04:13,085
(SLURPING)
100
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,619
Sorry, I'm just a little nervous.
101
00:04:15,620 --> 00:04:17,196
When I was a girl,
102
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I went to live on my uncle's farm,
103
00:04:19,153 --> 00:04:21,809
and I heard these lambs screaming,
104
00:04:21,810 --> 00:04:23,702
screaming as they were
being slaughtered.
105
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It was horrible.
106
00:04:25,475 --> 00:04:27,299
- (APPLAUSE)
- And I want to thank Alan Weiss
107
00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:28,320
at William Morris.
108
00:04:28,321 --> 00:04:31,576
Also, my high school
drama teacher, Lucas Wohl.
109
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Oh, they were just killing
those poor lambs.
110
00:04:34,047 --> 00:04:35,381
I wanted to save them, but I couldn't.
111
00:04:35,382 --> 00:04:38,325
And, Mandy and Jenny at home,
go to bed, kids.
112
00:04:38,326 --> 00:04:39,994
Mommy did it!
113
00:04:39,995 --> 00:04:42,312
I am coming home with one of these!
114
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- (LAUGHING)
- (APPLAUSE)
115
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♪ ♪
116
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CVS brand lotion?
117
00:04:53,583 --> 00:04:56,227
It's the same ingredients as Nivea.
118
00:04:57,233 --> 00:05:00,422
It puts the off-brand lotion
on its skin,
119
00:05:00,423 --> 00:05:02,908
or else it gets the hose again.
120
00:05:02,909 --> 00:05:04,743
The top isn't even a pump.
121
00:05:04,744 --> 00:05:06,932
You're paying for the pump!
122
00:05:06,933 --> 00:05:09,520
♪ ♪
123
00:05:13,945 --> 00:05:15,846
Dr. Lecter, we are running out of time.
124
00:05:15,847 --> 00:05:17,773
I need you to give me some clue,
125
00:05:17,774 --> 00:05:20,183
anything that might lead me
in the right direction.
126
00:05:20,184 --> 00:05:23,112
(SIGHS) His name's Buffalo Bill,
heavyset blond kid
127
00:05:23,113 --> 00:05:25,824
who lives in that crappy place
behind McDonald's.
128
00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:27,208
Hmm.
129
00:05:27,209 --> 00:05:28,601
I'll have to really lean
130
00:05:28,602 --> 00:05:30,527
on my budding criminology skills
131
00:05:30,528 --> 00:05:33,272
to decipher these obscure breadcrumbs.
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♪ ♪
133
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♪ ♪
134
00:05:54,127 --> 00:05:56,277
♪ ♪
135
00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:05,931
(GASPS SLOWLY)
136
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,754
Coming up, dinner.
137
00:06:13,755 --> 00:06:16,756
But first, I turn my back
to a dangerous murderer.
138
00:06:17,651 --> 00:06:19,592
(REGURGITATES)
139
00:06:23,748 --> 00:06:26,808
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
140
00:06:28,753 --> 00:06:31,497
Oh, hey, Sarge. Your wife
called and said it was urgent.
141
00:06:31,498 --> 00:06:33,165
Oh, uh, okay.
142
00:06:33,166 --> 00:06:35,776
Yeah, she sounded very not happy.
143
00:06:35,777 --> 00:06:37,519
You need to call her back ASAP.
144
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:38,854
Got it, thanks.
145
00:06:38,855 --> 00:06:41,739
Starting to think
I did this guy a favor.
146
00:06:46,782 --> 00:06:48,289
(DOORBELL RINGS)
147
00:06:48,290 --> 00:06:51,578
It puts its finger on the doorbell.
148
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:52,960
We're looking for someone.
149
00:06:52,961 --> 00:06:54,580
Have you seen her?
150
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:58,670
Oh, wait, is she
that great, big, huge, plump,
151
00:06:58,671 --> 00:07:02,087
very large, Rubenesque,
fat girl who went missing?
152
00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:03,529
Yes, she is rather heavy,
153
00:07:03,530 --> 00:07:05,714
and as you can see,
not particularly attractive.
154
00:07:05,715 --> 00:07:07,624
We've had reports that her personality
155
00:07:07,625 --> 00:07:09,051
is quite grating as well.
156
00:07:09,052 --> 00:07:11,561
MEG (DISTANT):
I can still hear you guys!
157
00:07:15,737 --> 00:07:17,775
(PANTING)
158
00:07:21,214 --> 00:07:22,697
(DOOR CREAKS)
159
00:07:23,550 --> 00:07:26,142
(GOGGLES WHIRRING)
160
00:07:26,143 --> 00:07:28,570
(PANTING)
161
00:07:28,571 --> 00:07:29,954
(GASPS)
162
00:07:31,495 --> 00:07:33,973
I'm not loving
this night vision setting.
163
00:07:33,974 --> 00:07:37,873
Maybe I should try
Night at the Roxbury vision.
164
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:40,296
(HADDAWAY'S "WHAT IS LOVE?" PLAYING)
165
00:07:40,297 --> 00:07:42,272
♪ ♪
166
00:07:43,651 --> 00:07:46,485
- You? Me? You?
- ♪ What is love? ♪
167
00:07:47,727 --> 00:07:51,554
It puts the bullet in the fat guy.
168
00:07:55,554 --> 00:07:58,222
And, for having
successfully scaled a cargo net
169
00:07:58,223 --> 00:08:01,559
and connecting two note cards
with a piece of red string,
170
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:06,236
Clarice Starling, you are now
officially a lady FBI.
171
00:08:06,237 --> 00:08:08,774
(APPLAUSE)
172
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:12,681
(PHONE RINGING)
173
00:08:16,166 --> 00:08:17,758
You should probably answer that.
174
00:08:17,759 --> 00:08:20,269
I mean, you're the closest thing
to a secretary in here.
175
00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:22,930
Ugh.
176
00:08:22,931 --> 00:08:26,422
Hello, FBI. This is Clarice speaking.
177
00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,010
Hello, Clarice.
178
00:08:28,011 --> 00:08:30,512
I just wanted to let you know
that I respect you,
179
00:08:30,513 --> 00:08:33,124
and how important it is
that you're a woman.
180
00:08:33,125 --> 00:08:35,259
Thank you for saying so, Doctor.
181
00:08:35,260 --> 00:08:36,518
'Cause if you were a man,
182
00:08:36,519 --> 00:08:38,852
I would definitely be captured
or dead by now.
183
00:08:38,853 --> 00:08:40,691
- Oh, I...
- Like if you're Clint Eastwood,
184
00:08:40,692 --> 00:08:42,866
I'm dead. Harrison Ford? Dead.
185
00:08:42,867 --> 00:08:44,118
Well, Doctor, I've really got...
186
00:08:44,119 --> 00:08:46,287
You know, I'm not betting
against the Twin Peaks guy...
187
00:08:46,288 --> 00:08:47,860
What's his name? Creepy white guy.
188
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,274
Kyle MacLachlan.
189
00:08:49,275 --> 00:08:51,447
Kyle MacLachlan, right.
How do I keep forgetting that?
190
00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:53,950
It's like in my top five
dude names. I have a list.
191
00:08:53,951 --> 00:08:55,576
Dr. Lecter, I really have to go.
192
00:08:55,577 --> 00:08:56,578
So do I.
193
00:08:56,579 --> 00:08:58,849
♪ ♪
194
00:09:00,210 --> 00:09:03,167
I'm having an old friend for dinner.
195
00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:04,972
Y-You're gonna eat a friend?
196
00:09:04,973 --> 00:09:06,457
That was kind of
supposed to be the last line,
197
00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:07,716
and you ruined it.
198
00:09:07,717 --> 00:09:09,843
I'm gonna say it again
and then hang up quickly.
199
00:09:09,844 --> 00:09:11,053
(CLEARS THROAT)
200
00:09:11,054 --> 00:09:13,314
I'm having an old friend for dinner.
201
00:09:13,315 --> 00:09:16,147
- What?!
- Oh, my God, this bitch.
202
00:09:19,747 --> 00:09:21,581
♪ ♪
203
00:09:21,582 --> 00:09:23,641
PETER: My name is...
204
00:09:23,642 --> 00:09:26,477
whatever Kevin Spacey's name was
in this movie.
205
00:09:26,478 --> 00:09:28,254
I bet you think behind that door is
206
00:09:28,255 --> 00:09:30,054
a happy, all-American family.
207
00:09:30,055 --> 00:09:31,073
Nope.
208
00:09:31,074 --> 00:09:32,381
Just me in the shower
209
00:09:32,382 --> 00:09:34,502
with Johnson & Johnson and Johnson.
210
00:09:34,503 --> 00:09:36,658
There were some tears.
211
00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:39,007
That's my wife out there, cutting roses.
212
00:09:39,008 --> 00:09:41,748
Oh, just a heads-up,
there's a ton of roses in this.
213
00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:44,178
I guess they're supposed to
mean something. (SIGHS)
214
00:09:44,179 --> 00:09:45,754
You know, when I agreed to this,
215
00:09:45,755 --> 00:09:47,923
I 100% thought it was American Pie.
216
00:09:47,924 --> 00:09:50,017
Always read the second word of the title
217
00:09:50,018 --> 00:09:51,341
before you sign something.
218
00:09:51,342 --> 00:09:54,172
Oh, hi, Carolyn.
We're your gay neighbors.
219
00:09:54,173 --> 00:09:55,948
That's right,
and we're the only happy people
220
00:09:55,949 --> 00:09:57,433
in the entire film.
221
00:09:57,434 --> 00:09:58,765
PETER: Oh, that's the other thing.
222
00:09:58,766 --> 00:10:00,436
This movie really wants you to know
223
00:10:00,437 --> 00:10:03,105
that traditional families are
the messed-up ones.
224
00:10:03,106 --> 00:10:04,682
If you don't want two hours of that,
225
00:10:04,683 --> 00:10:06,150
go turn on The Matrix.
226
00:10:06,151 --> 00:10:07,776
Aw, why aren't we doing that?
227
00:10:07,777 --> 00:10:09,036
Have a great day,
228
00:10:09,037 --> 00:10:11,522
two-dimensional '90s gay neighbors!
229
00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:14,708
- Who are both named Jim.
- Right, who are both named Jim.
230
00:10:15,785 --> 00:10:18,450
- Good morning, my darling.
- Hello, my love.
231
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,789
PETER: Keep in mind
that 9/11 hasn't happened yet.
232
00:10:20,790 --> 00:10:22,642
So a strained family dynamic
233
00:10:22,643 --> 00:10:24,719
is still the most
dramatic thing there is.
234
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:28,797
Wow, what a beautiful,
fully heterosexual neighborhood.
235
00:10:28,798 --> 00:10:31,726
Yeah, no. What's up is down here, bro.
236
00:10:31,727 --> 00:10:33,986
Oh, hi, you must be our new neighbors.
237
00:10:33,987 --> 00:10:35,896
I'm Carolyn Burnham,
238
00:10:35,897 --> 00:10:38,971
RE/MAX's top crying realtor in the area.
239
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,885
Uh, thanks, but we just bought a house,
240
00:10:40,886 --> 00:10:42,720
so we don't really need a realtor.
241
00:10:42,721 --> 00:10:45,481
(CRYING)
242
00:10:45,482 --> 00:10:47,725
- You don't?
- S-Sorry.
243
00:10:47,726 --> 00:10:49,485
It's okay. You know what?
244
00:10:49,486 --> 00:10:50,728
We'll buy another one.
245
00:10:50,729 --> 00:10:52,988
(CHUCKLES): Oh, great. Great.
246
00:10:52,989 --> 00:10:55,675
Oh, looks like your son and my daughter
247
00:10:55,676 --> 00:10:57,084
are getting to know each other.
248
00:10:57,085 --> 00:11:00,496
Check out this video I took
of a plastic bag.
249
00:11:00,497 --> 00:11:02,472
♪ ♪
250
00:11:03,909 --> 00:11:05,685
I'm thinking about sending it in
251
00:11:05,686 --> 00:11:07,928
to America's Funniest Home Videos.
252
00:11:07,929 --> 00:11:10,161
Really? Do you think it's funny enough?
253
00:11:10,162 --> 00:11:12,859
I don't know.
I just want to spend $2,000
254
00:11:12,860 --> 00:11:16,754
flying to Los Angeles
to maybe win $1,000.
255
00:11:16,755 --> 00:11:18,811
(CROWD CHEERING INSIDE)
256
00:11:20,942 --> 00:11:22,927
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- ANNOUNCER: That's halftime.
257
00:11:22,928 --> 00:11:25,112
And now, please welcome
the Suburbia High School
258
00:11:25,113 --> 00:11:28,115
cheer quad, the Dockers Zipper Pushers.
259
00:11:28,116 --> 00:11:30,284
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
260
00:11:30,285 --> 00:11:32,294
♪ ♪
261
00:11:40,629 --> 00:11:42,704
Who is that?
262
00:11:42,705 --> 00:11:44,706
(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS)
263
00:11:44,707 --> 00:11:48,185
♪ ♪
264
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,978
Ah! Ah, damn it! Ah, stop. Stop.
265
00:11:57,979 --> 00:12:00,998
I have seasonal allergies, guys.
(SNEEZES)
266
00:12:00,999 --> 00:12:03,430
- (UPBEAT MUSIC RESUMES)
- ANNOUNCER: All right.
267
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:04,697
Now the marching band to play
268
00:12:04,698 --> 00:12:06,935
the Suburbia High School fight song.
269
00:12:06,936 --> 00:12:08,955
(PLAYING "TWO PRINCES" BY SPIN DOCTORS)
270
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,710
Geez, again with this song?
271
00:12:13,711 --> 00:12:15,980
Shut up and kiss me, other gay Jim.
272
00:12:15,981 --> 00:12:18,407
(BOTH MOANING)
273
00:12:18,408 --> 00:12:21,076
Oh, no. No.
274
00:12:21,077 --> 00:12:23,003
I'm very against that.
275
00:12:23,004 --> 00:12:25,204
Remember that for later.
276
00:12:25,205 --> 00:12:26,657
PETER: The next day, I quit my job
277
00:12:26,658 --> 00:12:29,322
and was in no way
run out of the industry
278
00:12:29,323 --> 00:12:30,845
for groping a busboy in Nantucket.
279
00:12:30,846 --> 00:12:32,863
It was a joke. I was razzing the guy.
280
00:12:32,864 --> 00:12:34,273
Come on.
281
00:12:34,274 --> 00:12:36,254
(SIZZLING)
282
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:39,694
I got a new job at a fake movie
fast food restaurant.
283
00:12:39,695 --> 00:12:43,198
God, why are movies so bad
at naming restaurants?
284
00:12:43,199 --> 00:12:46,293
Welcome to Mr. Smiley's
BurgerTownVilleLand.
285
00:12:46,294 --> 00:12:48,128
Would you like to try a Large McIntyre?
286
00:12:48,129 --> 00:12:51,856
LOIS: Yes, my lover and I
will each have adultery burgers.
287
00:12:51,857 --> 00:12:53,522
Second window.
288
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:55,301
(MOANING)
289
00:12:56,304 --> 00:12:59,864
- Two adultery burgers.
- (GASPS) Lester!
290
00:12:59,865 --> 00:13:02,217
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Listen,
let's not make a big scene here.
291
00:13:02,218 --> 00:13:03,626
We can talk about this when we get...
292
00:13:03,627 --> 00:13:08,420
You don't get to tell me
what to do anymore.
293
00:13:09,639 --> 00:13:11,417
We need more ketchup.
294
00:13:11,418 --> 00:13:14,562
All right, there are some things
you can tell me to do.
295
00:13:14,563 --> 00:13:17,215
After that, I started
lifting weights in my garage.
296
00:13:17,216 --> 00:13:18,717
But I lost track of a spider
297
00:13:18,718 --> 00:13:20,327
that crawled behind the heavy ones,
298
00:13:20,328 --> 00:13:22,968
so I had to use the dainty
weights ladies walk with.
299
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,906
Oh, hey. You got those drugs?
300
00:13:24,907 --> 00:13:26,097
Yep, right here.
301
00:13:26,098 --> 00:13:27,984
Oh, my God.
302
00:13:27,985 --> 00:13:30,395
Look at that plastic bag.
303
00:13:30,396 --> 00:13:32,397
So beautiful.
304
00:13:32,398 --> 00:13:34,580
Do you do a lot of the drugs yourself?
305
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:36,087
I do, yes.
306
00:13:36,088 --> 00:13:38,011
Okay, let me just get on my knees
307
00:13:38,012 --> 00:13:41,848
and roll a joint at crotch level
like all drug dealers do.
308
00:13:41,849 --> 00:13:44,333
Great, and I'll just lean back,
away from the drugs
309
00:13:44,334 --> 00:13:46,579
like all drug users do.
310
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,690
What the hell?
311
00:13:50,691 --> 00:13:52,359
Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?
312
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:53,875
Help me out here, Mr. Furley.
313
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:56,271
How did this thing win an Oscar?
314
00:13:56,272 --> 00:13:58,848
It's basically Austin Powers.
315
00:13:58,849 --> 00:14:01,578
♪ ♪
316
00:14:01,579 --> 00:14:03,686
Yo, yo, check this out.
317
00:14:03,687 --> 00:14:06,447
What if, like, Kramer is just
318
00:14:06,448 --> 00:14:09,042
a figment of Jerry's imagination?
319
00:14:09,043 --> 00:14:12,453
- Wow. Yeah.
- 'Cause think about it.
320
00:14:12,454 --> 00:14:16,770
We-we never see him interacting
with anyone else.
321
00:14:16,771 --> 00:14:18,367
Yeah.
322
00:14:18,368 --> 00:14:22,297
Well-well, wait. I mean...
(STAMMERS) we-we do.
323
00:14:22,298 --> 00:14:25,238
(CHUCKLES):
Oh, boy, am I glad you're here.
324
00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:28,228
I don't think I like what I saw earlier.
325
00:14:28,229 --> 00:14:29,562
Oh, was it The Phantom Menace,
326
00:14:29,563 --> 00:14:31,122
which also came out this same year?
327
00:14:31,123 --> 00:14:32,579
Yeah, what a mess.
328
00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:35,583
Ricky, go on home.
I need to talk to Lester.
329
00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:37,629
Aw, I don't want to.
330
00:14:37,630 --> 00:14:39,889
(SINGSONGY): There's plastic bags.
331
00:14:39,890 --> 00:14:41,556
(GASPS) There are?
332
00:14:42,651 --> 00:14:46,246
Hey, you know how there's
two things we know for sure?
333
00:14:46,247 --> 00:14:49,082
We'll always be able to
bring box cutters on planes,
334
00:14:49,083 --> 00:14:51,643
- and I'm heterosexual?
- Yeah, of course.
335
00:14:51,644 --> 00:14:54,921
Well, turns out only one of
those things is true.
336
00:14:54,922 --> 00:14:56,664
Mm...
337
00:14:56,665 --> 00:14:58,758
Look, I think I gave you the wrong idea
338
00:14:58,759 --> 00:15:02,170
with these pink weights and
pantomiming oral with your son.
339
00:15:02,171 --> 00:15:04,246
- I'm straight.
- I'm so sorry!
340
00:15:04,247 --> 00:15:06,991
I got to go start a megachurch!
341
00:15:06,992 --> 00:15:08,642
Eh, seems right.
342
00:15:10,346 --> 00:15:12,755
Oh, hey, what are you doing here?
343
00:15:12,756 --> 00:15:13,998
I have a flight tomorrow,
344
00:15:13,999 --> 00:15:16,501
and Jane said I could borrow
your box cutter.
345
00:15:16,502 --> 00:15:19,187
Man, I love cutting boxes on planes.
346
00:15:19,188 --> 00:15:23,174
And also... and this is kind of
embarrassing and unearned...
347
00:15:23,175 --> 00:15:27,528
But I think you're sexy,
and I want to have sex with you.
348
00:15:27,529 --> 00:15:29,456
Ah, sweet! Let's do this!
349
00:15:29,457 --> 00:15:32,792
I should let you know, I'm a virgin.
350
00:15:32,793 --> 00:15:34,352
Not a deal-breaker.
351
00:15:34,353 --> 00:15:35,703
And I should let you know
352
00:15:35,704 --> 00:15:38,298
I'm Chris Hansen
from To Catch a Predator.
353
00:15:38,299 --> 00:15:40,041
Aw, crap. Somebody shoot me.
354
00:15:40,042 --> 00:15:41,300
(GUNSHOT)
355
00:15:43,971 --> 00:15:45,363
Sorry, I didn't mean to...
356
00:15:45,364 --> 00:15:47,365
Whoa, you're Chris Hansen!
357
00:15:47,366 --> 00:15:50,643
Hey, what do you do with all
the leftover pedophile pizza?
358
00:15:50,644 --> 00:15:53,037
PETER: Well, that was American Beauty.
359
00:15:53,038 --> 00:15:54,463
See you at the Oscars.
360
00:15:54,464 --> 00:15:55,965
I'll be there with my mom.
361
00:15:55,966 --> 00:15:58,692
That's not a big, obvious sign
of something, right?
362
00:16:03,215 --> 00:16:05,324
♪ ♪
363
00:16:13,242 --> 00:16:15,818
- How's work, Ralph?
- It's a breeze.
364
00:16:15,819 --> 00:16:17,653
(BOTH LAUGHING)
365
00:16:17,654 --> 00:16:20,255
- Give my best to Judy.
- Will do.
366
00:16:26,405 --> 00:16:29,257
Hi, my name's Forrest.
367
00:16:29,258 --> 00:16:30,666
Forrest Gump.
368
00:16:30,667 --> 00:16:33,244
Would it be okay
if I sugarcoat race relations
369
00:16:33,245 --> 00:16:35,763
in the South for
the next two and a half hours?
370
00:16:35,764 --> 00:16:39,175
Honey, I'm a Black woman
in a '90s Hollywood movie,
371
00:16:39,176 --> 00:16:41,510
- that's what I'm here for.
- Great.
372
00:16:41,511 --> 00:16:45,181
My mama always said life was
like a box of Good & Plenty:
373
00:16:45,182 --> 00:16:47,592
most people just throw it away.
374
00:16:47,593 --> 00:16:50,094
One day on the bus to school,
375
00:16:50,095 --> 00:16:51,871
I met Jenny.
376
00:16:51,872 --> 00:16:54,456
She was the love of my life.
377
00:16:56,210 --> 00:16:58,878
Hey, look, it's a guy
with nonstandard legs.
378
00:16:58,879 --> 00:17:01,755
Let's bully and
throw rocks at him and not me.
379
00:17:02,791 --> 00:17:05,241
Run, Forrest, run!
380
00:17:06,128 --> 00:17:07,703
PETER: And in a magical moment
381
00:17:07,704 --> 00:17:10,539
whose explanation
I assume was cut for time,
382
00:17:10,540 --> 00:17:13,542
I could suddenly run very fast.
383
00:17:13,543 --> 00:17:15,286
But I happened to do it
384
00:17:15,287 --> 00:17:18,122
in front of the meanest
lifeguard in Alabama.
385
00:17:18,123 --> 00:17:21,790
- No running!
- It's for a movie. God.
386
00:17:21,791 --> 00:17:23,478
- (CHEERING)
- I was such a fast runner,
387
00:17:23,479 --> 00:17:26,630
I went on to play
college movie football,
388
00:17:26,631 --> 00:17:30,492
where all the tacklers dive
two feet behind you and miss.
389
00:17:32,654 --> 00:17:34,247
After I graduated,
390
00:17:34,248 --> 00:17:37,158
I joined the Army
and got shipped off to war.
391
00:17:37,159 --> 00:17:41,059
Vietnam is where I met
my best friend, Bubba,
392
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:44,765
who really wanted to have
his own squid fishing boat.
393
00:17:44,766 --> 00:17:46,651
In fact, he knew just about
394
00:17:46,652 --> 00:17:48,809
everything you could do with a squid.
395
00:17:48,810 --> 00:17:51,180
Well, there's calamari...
396
00:17:53,083 --> 00:17:54,779
That's about it.
397
00:17:54,780 --> 00:17:57,394
Ambush! (SCREAMING)
398
00:17:58,559 --> 00:18:01,160
Oh, my God, Lieutenant Dan!
399
00:18:02,351 --> 00:18:05,003
Damn it, save yourself, Gump.
400
00:18:05,004 --> 00:18:07,763
- Leave me here.
- All right.
401
00:18:07,764 --> 00:18:08,856
(EXPLOSION)
402
00:18:08,857 --> 00:18:11,025
Bubba was also shot.
403
00:18:11,026 --> 00:18:14,010
And as always happens
when a soldier dies,
404
00:18:14,011 --> 00:18:15,899
we discussed business ideas.
405
00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:18,791
(WEAKLY): I'm dying, Forrest.
406
00:18:18,792 --> 00:18:21,610
I want you to buy
a squid boat in my honor.
407
00:18:21,611 --> 00:18:25,023
How about a gym
exclusively for big white women?
408
00:18:25,024 --> 00:18:28,617
- There could be machines that...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
409
00:18:28,618 --> 00:18:32,121
You had me at "big white women."
410
00:18:32,122 --> 00:18:33,789
(EXHALES)
411
00:18:33,790 --> 00:18:36,534
- (CHANTING)
- After I got home from Vietnam,
412
00:18:36,535 --> 00:18:39,220
I got to speak at a generic protest.
413
00:18:39,221 --> 00:18:42,390
There's only one thing
to say about Vietnam:
414
00:18:42,391 --> 00:18:45,560
I had this awesome red stuff
on all my food.
415
00:18:45,561 --> 00:18:47,320
I don't 'member what it's called.
416
00:18:47,321 --> 00:18:50,171
It's not hot sauce,
but it's not ketchup.
417
00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:52,641
I think it's got a rooster on the label.
418
00:18:52,642 --> 00:18:54,050
Forrest!
419
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,412
(GASPS) Jenny!
420
00:18:58,240 --> 00:18:59,890
Aah! Son of a bitch!
421
00:18:59,891 --> 00:19:03,269
See, guys? This is why no running.
422
00:19:03,270 --> 00:19:05,519
PETER: And then... I know,
it's still not over yet...
423
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,939
I bought a squid boat.
424
00:19:07,940 --> 00:19:10,310
Lieutenant Dan was also working with me.
425
00:19:10,311 --> 00:19:12,253
And you know
who's super helpful on a boat
426
00:19:12,254 --> 00:19:14,652
that's constantly rocking in the water?
427
00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:16,170
A wheelchair guy.
428
00:19:16,171 --> 00:19:18,339
Hey, Forrest, I got our lunches.
429
00:19:18,340 --> 00:19:21,600
- (WAVES CRASHING)
- (SCREAMS)
430
00:19:24,271 --> 00:19:26,347
So after I was rich,
431
00:19:26,348 --> 00:19:29,700
Jenny came back
and had sex with me one time.
432
00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:32,003
Wow, that was great.
433
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,839
Sorry I was naming presidents during.
434
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,674
So, we getting married or what?
435
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:39,254
You don't want to marry me, Forrest.
436
00:19:40,287 --> 00:19:41,853
Yeah, you're right.
437
00:19:41,854 --> 00:19:44,126
Okay, well, have a good night.
438
00:19:44,127 --> 00:19:46,609
And then, shockingly late in the movie,
439
00:19:46,610 --> 00:19:48,536
I started running again.
440
00:19:48,537 --> 00:19:50,705
Like, across the country.
441
00:19:50,706 --> 00:19:52,027
Several times.
442
00:19:52,028 --> 00:19:53,749
The whole sequence
is a full eight minutes.
443
00:19:53,750 --> 00:19:55,779
I mean, sometimes this whole
movie feels like it was written
444
00:19:55,780 --> 00:19:58,029
by a seven-year-old
who just ate a bunch of candy.
445
00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:00,172
But I checked, it's just a regular guy.
446
00:20:00,173 --> 00:20:01,808
Anyway, at least we were finally
447
00:20:01,809 --> 00:20:04,293
to the time in our nation's history
448
00:20:04,294 --> 00:20:05,628
when I could listen to this.
449
00:20:05,629 --> 00:20:09,064
♪ Princes, princes who adore you. ♪
450
00:20:11,986 --> 00:20:13,569
(KNOCKING)
451
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:15,655
Forrest!
452
00:20:15,656 --> 00:20:19,066
I brought you chocolates
picked over by strangers.
453
00:20:19,067 --> 00:20:20,718
Forrest, I'm sick.
454
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:23,663
- Sick? With what?
- (WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)
455
00:20:23,664 --> 00:20:25,740
Oh, I did a movie about that once.
456
00:20:25,741 --> 00:20:27,451
It's called Splash.
457
00:20:27,452 --> 00:20:30,411
No, Forrest. (WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)
458
00:20:30,412 --> 00:20:33,006
Oh, I thought you said mermaids.
459
00:20:33,007 --> 00:20:35,658
But I did a movie about your thing, too.
460
00:20:35,659 --> 00:20:37,402
But that's not all.
461
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,007
I want you to meet my son.
462
00:20:39,008 --> 00:20:41,572
Six hours in makeup. One line.
463
00:20:41,573 --> 00:20:43,182
You're his father.
464
00:20:43,183 --> 00:20:45,243
Father?
465
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,670
Is he... like me?
466
00:20:47,671 --> 00:20:49,080
Uhp, you died.
467
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:50,765
And... feather!
468
00:20:50,766 --> 00:20:52,774
♪ ♪
34285
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