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1
00:00:01,106 --> 00:00:03,506
(STAMMERING) You're a thief!
2
00:00:03,575 --> 00:00:05,509
(GUN FIRING TWICE)
3
00:00:05,577 --> 00:00:06,566
Those were gunshots!
4
00:00:06,645 --> 00:00:10,046
PETER: This is Peter Falk. Here are some
scenes from the next episode of Columbo.
5
00:00:10,115 --> 00:00:11,377
All the members are tested.
6
00:00:11,450 --> 00:00:13,748
And they have to rate
in the top two percent.
7
00:00:13,852 --> 00:00:17,186
Here I've been talking with the most
intelligent people in the world
8
00:00:17,256 --> 00:00:18,553
and I never even noticed.
9
00:00:18,624 --> 00:00:19,818
It might have
been a woman.
10
00:00:19,892 --> 00:00:22,360
I think he was killed
before we heard the shots.
11
00:00:22,428 --> 00:00:24,692
The shots we heard
were on that record.
12
00:00:24,764 --> 00:00:26,288
It's a terrific puzzle.
13
00:00:26,833 --> 00:00:28,357
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
14
00:00:50,190 --> 00:00:51,384
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
15
00:00:51,458 --> 00:00:53,085
MIKE: I wasn't that bright.
16
00:00:54,228 --> 00:00:58,063
So there I was, me, a welder,
in the Sigma Society,
17
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,530
with an IQ right at
the top of the scale.
18
00:01:02,537 --> 00:01:05,267
And my first thought was,
19
00:01:05,340 --> 00:01:09,003
"What a crummy world,
where somebody as smart as me"
20
00:01:09,077 --> 00:01:11,204
"is nothing but
an ordinary welder."
21
00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:14,737
Then I...
I got my head straight
22
00:01:15,417 --> 00:01:18,614
and I figured it out that it
was a pretty sensational world
23
00:01:18,687 --> 00:01:22,589
where even welders got a high
enough IQ to be in a Sigma Society.
24
00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:31,065
MIKE: Not that there's anything
wrong with being a welder.
25
00:01:31,634 --> 00:01:34,967
Because I'm gonna tell you
right now that there's nobody
26
00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:39,366
in this room can even begin
to do what I can do.
27
00:01:39,442 --> 00:01:40,966
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
28
00:01:41,845 --> 00:01:44,370
You know what I heard
about the Sigma Society?
29
00:01:44,447 --> 00:01:48,508
I heard that with all your brains,
the one thing you can't figure out,
30
00:01:48,685 --> 00:01:51,984
the one problem you can't solve
is what you're all doing here.
31
00:01:52,088 --> 00:01:54,079
I mean what we're all
doing here.
32
00:01:54,491 --> 00:01:55,857
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
33
00:02:02,700 --> 00:02:03,928
(BOO-HOO PLAYING)
34
00:02:04,001 --> 00:02:06,526
You've got me crying for you
35
00:02:08,940 --> 00:02:12,774
And as I sit here and sigh
36
00:02:12,844 --> 00:02:17,305
Says I,
"I can't believe it's true"
37
00:02:17,382 --> 00:02:19,748
Boo-hoo,
38
00:02:21,486 --> 00:02:25,479
I tell my mama on you
39
00:02:27,659 --> 00:02:31,425
The little game
that you played
40
00:02:31,496 --> 00:02:35,694
Has made her baby oh so blue
41
00:02:35,835 --> 00:02:41,205
You left me in the lurch
42
00:02:41,541 --> 00:02:47,776
You left me waiting
at the church
43
00:02:48,147 --> 00:02:51,014
Boo-hoo
44
00:02:52,218 --> 00:02:56,849
That's why I'm crying for you
45
00:02:58,325 --> 00:03:02,159
Someday you'll feel like I do
46
00:03:02,263 --> 00:03:06,723
And you'll be
boo-hoo-hooir too
47
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,768
Boo-hoo
48
00:03:10,804 --> 00:03:14,968
You've got me crying for you
49
00:03:17,012 --> 00:03:19,139
And as I sit here...
50
00:03:32,861 --> 00:03:35,227
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
51
00:03:47,710 --> 00:03:49,234
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
52
00:03:55,851 --> 00:03:57,342
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
53
00:04:05,128 --> 00:04:06,618
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
54
00:04:22,246 --> 00:04:24,680
Thank you, Mike, thank you.
55
00:04:26,150 --> 00:04:29,313
Jason, in all due respect to Mike's
lecture on feelings of inadequacy
56
00:04:29,387 --> 00:04:33,289
I thought we were gonna hear from a
computer engineer on intelligent machines.
57
00:04:33,358 --> 00:04:36,988
May I ask the program chairman if he still
intends to bring in outside guests?
58
00:04:37,062 --> 00:04:40,122
I'm afraid I was very busy
at the office today.
59
00:04:40,232 --> 00:04:41,790
Didn't have time.
60
00:04:41,867 --> 00:04:43,698
Try to do better.
Good.
61
00:04:43,836 --> 00:04:46,999
Thank you, Mike, thank you, Mr.
Wagner, thank you, Bertie.
62
00:04:47,106 --> 00:04:49,199
For new business,
ladies and gentlemen,
63
00:04:49,274 --> 00:04:52,175
I have the committee report
on neighborhood crime.
64
00:04:52,244 --> 00:04:55,441
They strongly recommend the
purchase of a burglar alarm.
65
00:04:55,514 --> 00:04:59,975
Miss Eisenback has prepared a study
of the various units available,
66
00:05:00,053 --> 00:05:02,988
the advantages, disadvantages...
Good evening, Mr. Brandt.
67
00:05:03,056 --> 00:05:05,820
Good heavens, I am late.
JASON: Prices and so on.
68
00:05:05,892 --> 00:05:08,520
Oliver, we were just
discussing a burglar alarm.
69
00:05:08,595 --> 00:05:11,587
Dear me. I didn't know we had
anything won'th stealing.
70
00:05:11,664 --> 00:05:14,428
Unless, of course, it's Bertie's
incredible brain power.
71
00:05:14,501 --> 00:05:15,525
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
72
00:05:15,602 --> 00:05:18,504
I understand the Russians
have been after him again.
73
00:05:18,706 --> 00:05:19,798
(GIGGLING)
Huh?
74
00:05:19,874 --> 00:05:20,863
Huh?
Hey!
75
00:05:22,376 --> 00:05:24,970
Okay, gang. That's it.
Meeting's adjourned.
76
00:05:29,984 --> 00:05:31,315
(CHUCKLING)
77
00:05:32,787 --> 00:05:36,518
That, my dear, is the total
history of Bertie's life.
78
00:05:37,158 --> 00:05:40,128
Does the joke always
have to be at my expense?
79
00:05:40,195 --> 00:05:42,891
You two at it, again?
Again and forever.
80
00:05:42,964 --> 00:05:46,957
Friends forever. Partners forever.
Right, Bertie?
81
00:05:47,803 --> 00:05:49,168
Bertie.
82
00:05:52,974 --> 00:05:54,066
Friends.
83
00:05:55,544 --> 00:05:57,445
There's a good little fellow.
84
00:05:59,949 --> 00:06:01,041
Something wrong?
85
00:06:01,117 --> 00:06:03,585
I think I just
drank my contact lens.
86
00:06:06,589 --> 00:06:09,649
It's there. I found it.
I'm sorry.
87
00:06:11,094 --> 00:06:12,584
Always sorry.
88
00:06:12,929 --> 00:06:14,521
What are you
up to, Caroline?
89
00:06:14,897 --> 00:06:18,493
Making an inventory of everything in the house.
For the insurance.
90
00:06:19,203 --> 00:06:21,501
Don't you have to go around
to look at things?
91
00:06:21,572 --> 00:06:23,472
Don't have to look.
I remember.
92
00:06:23,574 --> 00:06:24,905
Imagine.
93
00:06:24,975 --> 00:06:27,307
While this wine was still
in a French cellar,
94
00:06:27,377 --> 00:06:29,436
you, Caroline,
were being put together
95
00:06:29,513 --> 00:06:32,641
by a confluence of data
processors and memory banks.
96
00:06:32,716 --> 00:06:35,378
Oliver,
I have to talk to you.
97
00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:39,154
I want to talk to you, too, Bertie.
Pick a page.
98
00:06:41,826 --> 00:06:43,760
237.
Pick a number.
99
00:06:43,828 --> 00:06:44,954
12. Even.
100
00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:46,155
Odd.
101
00:06:46,231 --> 00:06:48,131
Come along, Bertie.
To the library.
102
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,862
The drinks are
on Bertie or on me.
103
00:06:53,037 --> 00:06:55,198
A dollar says
Brandt wins again.
104
00:06:55,607 --> 00:06:57,131
It's only luck, you know.
105
00:06:58,978 --> 00:07:01,446
Page 237, correct?
Yes.
106
00:07:01,814 --> 00:07:03,213
Word?
107
00:07:03,282 --> 00:07:04,271
12.
108
00:07:05,151 --> 00:07:06,345
All right.
109
00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:12,546
OLIVER: Here we are.
Carina or carina.
110
00:07:12,958 --> 00:07:15,825
Six letters. Even.
Drinks are on you, Bertie.
111
00:07:16,228 --> 00:07:19,460
Interesting. Carina. We seem
to have forgotten our biology.
112
00:07:19,533 --> 00:07:22,366
Carina is a part
resembling a ridge
113
00:07:22,435 --> 00:07:25,563
as on the projection
on the breastbone of a bird.
114
00:07:25,972 --> 00:07:28,202
And that is
the word for today.
115
00:07:28,275 --> 00:07:30,300
I didn't come up here
to play games, Oliver!
116
00:07:30,377 --> 00:07:31,867
Nor did I, Bertie.
117
00:07:31,945 --> 00:07:34,709
You've always enjoyed tormenting me.
Don't be a fool.
118
00:07:34,781 --> 00:07:36,772
School, college,
even our own firm.
119
00:07:36,850 --> 00:07:39,012
I've always been
the butt of your jokes.
120
00:07:39,086 --> 00:07:42,453
I've always been your friend, Bertie.
Surely you know that.
121
00:07:42,523 --> 00:07:45,959
Come on, Bertie,
I never taunted you.
122
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:47,554
I only tickled you.
123
00:07:47,628 --> 00:07:48,686
(GIGGLING)
124
00:07:48,763 --> 00:07:49,957
Stop that!
125
00:07:50,031 --> 00:07:52,056
Stop! Will you? Stop it!
126
00:07:52,133 --> 00:07:53,566
(BOTH LAUGHING)
127
00:07:53,868 --> 00:07:55,062
Stop it!
128
00:07:55,269 --> 00:07:57,464
No! I'm through running!
129
00:07:57,772 --> 00:07:59,035
(PANTING)
130
00:07:59,875 --> 00:08:01,137
I know.
131
00:08:02,811 --> 00:08:06,804
I know. I know what you've been
doing in the office, Oliver.
132
00:08:08,417 --> 00:08:11,875
I know how you've been
stealing from our clients.
133
00:08:12,254 --> 00:08:14,916
I took the trouble
to examine your accounts.
134
00:08:15,257 --> 00:08:18,192
I know you have.
I'm well aware of it.
135
00:08:19,062 --> 00:08:20,290
Oh?
136
00:08:23,266 --> 00:08:26,565
Are you aware that I intend
to expose you?
137
00:08:28,404 --> 00:08:30,599
Well, in that case,
I intend to kill you.
138
00:08:37,747 --> 00:08:39,238
We were friends.
139
00:08:40,451 --> 00:08:42,351
I could never hurt you.
140
00:08:44,455 --> 00:08:46,446
I couldn't hurt you either.
141
00:08:48,125 --> 00:08:49,956
(GIGGLING)
142
00:08:50,628 --> 00:08:52,653
(STUTTERING)
143
00:08:52,730 --> 00:08:54,789
You're a thief!
Bertie.
144
00:08:54,865 --> 00:08:56,799
You can't threaten me
out of it!
145
00:08:56,867 --> 00:08:59,860
I'll tell the whole world
what you are!
146
00:09:02,574 --> 00:09:04,098
What a pity.
147
00:09:04,342 --> 00:09:05,502
Oliver.
148
00:09:06,845 --> 00:09:10,008
Oliver, I'm talking to you!
149
00:09:10,115 --> 00:09:13,676
Yes, I hear you.
I hear you, old friend.
150
00:09:13,752 --> 00:09:15,219
(GUN FIRING TWICE
WITH SILENCER)
151
00:10:59,930 --> 00:11:02,398
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
152
00:11:05,503 --> 00:11:06,902
(TURNS VOLUME DOWN)
153
00:11:30,028 --> 00:11:32,258
I really did love you, Bertie.
154
00:11:39,571 --> 00:11:41,164
(PHONE RINGING)
155
00:11:44,577 --> 00:11:47,102
Yeah? Who? Long distance?
156
00:11:47,246 --> 00:11:49,737
Tonight, children,
the drinks are on Bertie.
157
00:11:49,816 --> 00:11:51,875
(ALL CLAPPING)
158
00:11:51,951 --> 00:11:53,714
Congratulations again, Oliver.
159
00:11:54,454 --> 00:11:56,649
CAROLINE: What was
the word, Mr. Brandt?
160
00:11:56,722 --> 00:11:58,656
Carina. C-A-R...
161
00:11:58,724 --> 00:12:02,456
Well, with a capital 'C', Carina is a
constellation in the Southern Hemisphere.
162
00:12:02,529 --> 00:12:04,690
This was not capitalized.
163
00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:07,598
Well, then it's like
the breastbone on a bird.
164
00:12:09,970 --> 00:12:12,131
Phone's for you,
Miss Eisenback. Memphis.
165
00:12:12,206 --> 00:12:15,403
That's my daddy.
I've been trying to reach him.
166
00:12:15,576 --> 00:12:16,873
It's his birthday.
167
00:12:16,944 --> 00:12:18,844
She's been waiting
for his call.
168
00:12:18,912 --> 00:12:20,676
Oliver got lucky again.
169
00:12:20,748 --> 00:12:21,737
Daddy?
170
00:12:21,816 --> 00:12:24,216
Why don't we got out and get the
living room put back in order?
171
00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:26,810
Why not indeed?
Come on, come on. Gentlemen.
172
00:12:26,921 --> 00:12:29,185
You watch that drink.
I'll watch it.
173
00:12:29,324 --> 00:12:31,349
The club's insured
through you, isn't it?
174
00:12:31,426 --> 00:12:32,484
Yes, and very well.
175
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:33,959
Fire? Theft?
176
00:12:34,028 --> 00:12:35,017
The works.
177
00:12:35,096 --> 00:12:38,259
EISENBACK: Okay. It's wonderful here.
The weather is so nice.
178
00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:39,925
Then if we are
already covered,
179
00:12:40,001 --> 00:12:42,664
why on earth bother spending
all this money on a burglar...
180
00:12:42,738 --> 00:12:43,727
(GUN FIRING)
181
00:12:43,806 --> 00:12:44,830
(THUDDING)
182
00:12:44,907 --> 00:12:45,896
(GUN FIRING)
183
00:12:45,975 --> 00:12:47,169
Those were gunshots!
184
00:12:52,648 --> 00:12:53,842
(CLANKING)
185
00:12:55,651 --> 00:12:58,950
Bertie! Bertie! Bertie!
186
00:13:05,729 --> 00:13:06,923
(DOOR SLAMMING)
187
00:13:07,397 --> 00:13:10,127
Oh, my God! Bertie. Bertie.
188
00:13:15,872 --> 00:13:17,203
Unlock it.
189
00:13:19,442 --> 00:13:21,070
Take Caroline downstairs.
190
00:13:28,486 --> 00:13:29,680
I think he's dead.
191
00:13:29,754 --> 00:13:30,743
(EXCLAIMING)
192
00:13:35,626 --> 00:13:37,218
You mustrt look.
193
00:13:37,295 --> 00:13:38,660
You better leave.
194
00:13:39,130 --> 00:13:40,188
Come on.
195
00:13:40,264 --> 00:13:41,527
Oh, my.
196
00:13:42,234 --> 00:13:43,565
Oh, my.
197
00:13:49,708 --> 00:13:51,198
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
198
00:13:52,711 --> 00:13:54,474
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
199
00:13:56,181 --> 00:13:58,081
(POLICE DISPATCHER
CHATTERING ON RADIO)
200
00:13:58,150 --> 00:14:00,550
POLICEMAN: Could you all
go inside, please?
201
00:14:10,296 --> 00:14:12,389
Would you like
a drink, Oliver?
202
00:14:13,132 --> 00:14:15,259
What? No, no.
203
00:14:16,703 --> 00:14:21,072
Well, it's clear enough some
neighborhood hoodlum finally broke in.
204
00:14:21,140 --> 00:14:23,006
What was Bertie
trying to protect?
205
00:14:23,077 --> 00:14:25,910
A few bucks in his wallet?
His manood? I mean, what?
206
00:14:29,717 --> 00:14:31,412
Excuse me. Mr. Brandt?
207
00:14:33,487 --> 00:14:34,579
Yes.
208
00:14:34,755 --> 00:14:36,347
Would you come
with me, please?
209
00:14:46,167 --> 00:14:47,657
Are you guys
all done in there?
210
00:14:47,736 --> 00:14:49,328
Yeah. He's wrapping it up.
Good.
211
00:14:49,404 --> 00:14:51,804
Good night, Sergeant.
Good night, George, Harry.
212
00:15:02,952 --> 00:15:05,477
Now, would you just wait here
please, Mr. Brandt?
213
00:15:06,055 --> 00:15:07,317
May I ask why?
214
00:15:07,590 --> 00:15:09,285
Sure. Somebody
will be along.
215
00:15:24,675 --> 00:15:26,267
(WHISTLING)
216
00:16:53,901 --> 00:16:55,027
They know who did it?
217
00:16:55,102 --> 00:16:56,091
No!
218
00:17:04,379 --> 00:17:05,846
Oliver Brandt, sir?
219
00:17:07,916 --> 00:17:10,180
Lieutenant Columbo,
Homicide.
220
00:17:11,453 --> 00:17:15,549
I thought maybe you'd like to be up here
away from all those people down there,
221
00:17:16,424 --> 00:17:19,052
being that the victim was
your friend and partner.
222
00:17:19,561 --> 00:17:22,621
I'm really quite upset.
I do appreciate the courtesy.
223
00:17:23,132 --> 00:17:25,327
This Sigma Society, sir,
224
00:17:26,135 --> 00:17:29,161
I understand it's some kind of a club.
But to tell you the truth
225
00:17:29,372 --> 00:17:31,738
I don't understand
what kind of a club it is.
226
00:17:31,808 --> 00:17:36,643
Why it's a private club. International.
We're just one chapter.
227
00:17:36,913 --> 00:17:38,676
All the members are tested.
228
00:17:39,715 --> 00:17:42,479
And they have to rate
in the top two percent.
229
00:17:42,752 --> 00:17:44,550
Two percent of what, sir?
230
00:17:44,988 --> 00:17:46,649
Why, intelligence, Lieutenant.
231
00:17:47,224 --> 00:17:48,953
Top two percent
in the world?
232
00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:56,689
Is that what the pin means,
sir?
233
00:17:57,534 --> 00:18:00,901
Here I've been talking with the most
intelligent people in the world
234
00:18:00,971 --> 00:18:02,438
and I never even noticed.
235
00:18:03,842 --> 00:18:05,537
May I ask, sir,
236
00:18:06,811 --> 00:18:10,144
what is it that you people do
in a place like this?
237
00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:14,147
Well, we meet, discuss,
enjoy each ether's company.
238
00:18:14,219 --> 00:18:15,481
Scientists?
239
00:18:15,553 --> 00:18:17,214
Not necessarily.
240
00:18:17,288 --> 00:18:18,755
Like a think tank?
241
00:18:18,823 --> 00:18:21,815
No, no, no. Nothing nearly
as grand, Lieutenant.
242
00:18:21,893 --> 00:18:25,091
People come to Sigma from all walks
of life, all kinds, all types.
243
00:18:25,164 --> 00:18:29,328
There are 20,000 of us around the world.
We're really quite ordinary.
244
00:18:30,436 --> 00:18:31,926
Except for this.
245
00:18:32,204 --> 00:18:33,330
Well...
246
00:18:33,939 --> 00:18:35,907
But you're not ordinary.
247
00:18:36,242 --> 00:18:40,201
Brandt and Hastings.
That's a very important accounting firm, sir.
248
00:18:40,846 --> 00:18:42,245
I heard of them.
249
00:18:42,514 --> 00:18:46,679
Well, very kind of you, Lieutenant.
But, it's quite true.
250
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:48,451
We handle...
251
00:18:49,222 --> 00:18:50,348
We...
252
00:18:50,690 --> 00:18:51,987
(SOFTLY) Oh, dear.
253
00:18:52,058 --> 00:18:54,788
Well, just a few
minor questions, sir.
254
00:18:54,861 --> 00:18:59,525
Some of the ladies say that they
heard music coming from up here.
255
00:19:00,066 --> 00:19:02,057
Bertie must have put on
a record on after I left.
256
00:19:02,135 --> 00:19:04,195
You see, we were playing
a word game,
257
00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:06,807
looking things up
in the dictionary.
258
00:19:08,175 --> 00:19:09,574
On the floor, sir?
259
00:19:13,014 --> 00:19:14,777
He must have put it
on the floor.
260
00:19:23,190 --> 00:19:24,681
(TOY TRAIN RUNNING)
261
00:19:27,229 --> 00:19:29,163
You mean to tell me,
Mr. Brandt,
262
00:19:29,231 --> 00:19:32,928
that these very intelligent people
still like to play with trains?
263
00:19:33,802 --> 00:19:35,133
Some of us do.
264
00:19:36,438 --> 00:19:37,996
Poor Bertie did.
265
00:19:38,073 --> 00:19:40,166
Well, I'll tell you,
that's a relief to hear.
266
00:19:40,242 --> 00:19:43,973
Because I'll tell you the truth, I could
play with something like that forever.
267
00:19:46,049 --> 00:19:49,041
Caroline Treynor.
That's the one.
268
00:19:49,485 --> 00:19:52,386
I beg you...
Our youngest member.
269
00:19:52,588 --> 00:19:54,419
She's a member too?
270
00:19:55,792 --> 00:19:57,384
Fourteen?
271
00:19:58,594 --> 00:20:00,528
Amazing. Okay.
272
00:20:01,130 --> 00:20:04,328
Now, Caroline, she was standing
in that doorway there.
273
00:20:04,401 --> 00:20:08,531
And she says she didn't hear any
footsteps going down those stairs.
274
00:20:08,605 --> 00:20:12,132
Now, everybody else
heard the burglar.
275
00:20:12,676 --> 00:20:16,009
That is, the man
that killed Mr. Hastings.
276
00:20:17,014 --> 00:20:20,575
May I ask you, sir,
what did you hear?
277
00:20:21,285 --> 00:20:22,877
I don't remember.
278
00:20:24,355 --> 00:20:26,654
(WHISPERING) Don't remember.
279
00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:28,759
MIKE: Okay.
280
00:20:32,430 --> 00:20:33,897
Thirty seconds.
281
00:20:34,432 --> 00:20:36,957
COLUMBO: Exactly what I got
when I timed it.
282
00:20:41,506 --> 00:20:44,806
We didn't start up there the second
we heard the shots. That's right.
283
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:47,437
We were stunned for eight...
Maybe 10 seconds.
284
00:20:47,513 --> 00:20:49,606
Good. That means
40 seconds passed
285
00:20:49,682 --> 00:20:53,209
between the time that you heard the shots
and the time you arrived in the library.
286
00:20:53,285 --> 00:20:55,412
Is that right,
excuse me, Mr...
287
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:57,479
Jason Danziger.
I'm the president.
288
00:20:57,556 --> 00:21:00,354
Mr. Danziger. Then when
you arrived in the library
289
00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:02,587
you saw the other door
slam shut.
290
00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:05,994
Now, when you heard
someone running away,
291
00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:10,699
did he go down the stairs one step
at a time, two at a time, how?
292
00:21:10,771 --> 00:21:12,170
One at a time.
293
00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:13,636
You don't agree, madam?
294
00:21:13,707 --> 00:21:17,404
No, no, no, no. At least two at a time.
He was really flying.
295
00:21:19,713 --> 00:21:21,112
Heavy man, sir?
296
00:21:22,749 --> 00:21:24,046
I'd say so.
297
00:21:24,418 --> 00:21:25,647
Do you agree, sir?
298
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,017
Not necessarily.
299
00:21:27,088 --> 00:21:28,385
Average man.
300
00:21:28,456 --> 00:21:30,321
EISENBACK: He sounded
light to me.
301
00:21:30,591 --> 00:21:31,922
I think he was a woman.
302
00:21:32,193 --> 00:21:34,093
Well, that clears that up.
303
00:21:35,897 --> 00:21:37,364
(CRICKET CHIRPING)
304
00:21:37,532 --> 00:21:39,932
I must say,
after this dreadful affair,
305
00:21:40,001 --> 00:21:42,629
it would be a comfort to have
a policeman as a member.
306
00:21:44,005 --> 00:21:46,941
Lieutenant, do you happen
to know your IQ?
307
00:21:47,009 --> 00:21:49,068
Mine, sir?
Oh, no, sir.
308
00:21:49,144 --> 00:21:51,510
No, they took it in the Army
but they never told us.
309
00:21:51,580 --> 00:21:53,844
I'm certainly not
in your league, sir.
310
00:21:53,949 --> 00:21:56,110
You might
astonish yourself.
311
00:21:56,718 --> 00:22:00,745
Do you enjoy riddles,
puzzles, that sort of thing?
312
00:22:00,989 --> 00:22:04,288
Well, I enjoy them, yes, sir, I do.
But I don't have any feel for them.
313
00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:07,158
Now, Mrs. Columbo, she's
a whiz at crossword puzzles.
314
00:22:07,230 --> 00:22:08,959
Here's my car, sir.
315
00:22:10,300 --> 00:22:12,291
You might consider
testing yourself.
316
00:22:13,870 --> 00:22:16,361
Lieutenant, I'm gonna
give you a little problem,
317
00:22:16,439 --> 00:22:18,430
to test your powers
of logical thinking.
318
00:22:18,508 --> 00:22:20,066
That'll be fine, sir.
319
00:22:20,143 --> 00:22:23,340
It's what we call
a minimum information problem.
320
00:22:23,913 --> 00:22:26,348
Minimum information?
Practically none.
321
00:22:26,417 --> 00:22:29,511
Now, in a room, are several
sacks of gold pieces,
322
00:22:29,587 --> 00:22:31,020
as many sacks as you like.
323
00:22:31,088 --> 00:22:34,285
Each sack contains several
of these gold pieces.
324
00:22:34,358 --> 00:22:35,916
Again, as many as you like.
325
00:22:35,993 --> 00:22:37,221
Right. Got it.
326
00:22:37,294 --> 00:22:40,286
One sack, however, is full
of artificial gold pieces.
327
00:22:40,364 --> 00:22:42,127
And they weigh differently.
328
00:22:42,199 --> 00:22:43,223
Uh-huh.
329
00:22:43,300 --> 00:22:45,826
Now, the solid
gold pieces weigh...
330
00:22:45,904 --> 00:22:49,567
Let's say, a pound each.
And the artificial pieces weigh whatever you like.
331
00:22:49,641 --> 00:22:51,700
Well, what about a pound
and an ounce?
332
00:22:51,776 --> 00:22:52,970
Splendid. Why not?
333
00:22:53,044 --> 00:22:56,036
Now, you have a penny scale.
334
00:22:56,114 --> 00:22:58,275
So I put the penny in
and I get a card
335
00:22:58,350 --> 00:23:00,716
and that tells me how much
the weight of the gold is?
336
00:23:00,785 --> 00:23:03,982
Exactly. But you only
have one penny.
337
00:23:04,723 --> 00:23:08,592
Now, which sack has
the artificial gold pieces?
338
00:23:09,162 --> 00:23:10,993
That's it?
That's it.
339
00:23:12,532 --> 00:23:13,999
That's a hell of a puzzle.
340
00:23:14,167 --> 00:23:15,327
(CHUCKLING)
341
00:23:15,401 --> 00:23:16,390
Gee whiz.
342
00:23:18,037 --> 00:23:20,767
You know,
I got a puzzle myself, sir.
343
00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,468
As I understand it,
you people,
344
00:23:23,543 --> 00:23:26,672
you were all downstairs
when you heard the shots
345
00:23:26,747 --> 00:23:31,309
and you ran upstairs to the library.
And that took about 40 seconds.
346
00:23:31,852 --> 00:23:34,650
But during that time,
all the killer had to do was
347
00:23:34,721 --> 00:23:38,384
take the wallet out of your partner's
pocket and remove the money.
348
00:23:38,458 --> 00:23:39,857
Ten seconds.
349
00:23:40,827 --> 00:23:43,523
What did he do
with the rest of the time?
350
00:23:44,231 --> 00:23:46,427
I mean, 30 seconds, sir.
351
00:23:46,901 --> 00:23:50,632
That's a long time to hang around
after you just killed a man.
352
00:23:50,838 --> 00:23:54,706
Yes, a logical question.
Very good. I agree with you.
353
00:24:00,081 --> 00:24:03,710
I'm gonna think about that puzzle, Mr.
Brandt. You can count on that.
354
00:24:03,785 --> 00:24:05,150
Good night, sir.
355
00:24:05,220 --> 00:24:06,415
Good night.
356
00:24:06,722 --> 00:24:08,053
(ENGINE STARTING)
357
00:24:12,127 --> 00:24:13,560
(CAR HONKING)
358
00:24:13,629 --> 00:24:15,392
(TIRES SCREECHING)
359
00:25:26,638 --> 00:25:28,539
VIVIAN: Oliver, is that you?
360
00:25:29,709 --> 00:25:31,176
Yes, love.
361
00:25:39,719 --> 00:25:40,981
(SIGHING)
362
00:25:52,433 --> 00:25:53,798
How do you like it?
363
00:25:55,502 --> 00:25:57,026
I bought it for you.
364
00:25:57,838 --> 00:25:58,964
Quite lovely.
365
00:25:59,340 --> 00:26:00,432
Oh.
366
00:26:01,208 --> 00:26:03,335
(SIGHING)
You're moody again.
367
00:26:03,777 --> 00:26:05,506
You look exhausted.
368
00:26:05,579 --> 00:26:06,568
(EXHALING)
369
00:26:06,980 --> 00:26:08,346
What's that?
370
00:26:08,416 --> 00:26:09,644
What? What is it?
371
00:26:09,718 --> 00:26:10,878
Just some mud.
372
00:26:11,986 --> 00:26:14,477
What have you
been up to? There.
373
00:26:16,758 --> 00:26:18,350
Oliver,
are you all right?
374
00:26:20,662 --> 00:26:23,495
No. Vivian,
it's Bertie.
375
00:26:24,232 --> 00:26:25,597
He's dead.
376
00:26:26,334 --> 00:26:27,597
What?
377
00:26:27,770 --> 00:26:30,705
At the club.
He was in the library.
378
00:26:30,940 --> 00:26:33,374
He was alone.
A burglar got in.
379
00:26:34,210 --> 00:26:35,404
Oh, Oliver.
380
00:26:36,312 --> 00:26:39,145
Shot him twice.
The police came.
381
00:26:40,249 --> 00:26:42,308
You must be feeling awful.
382
00:26:44,420 --> 00:26:48,050
I was always the lucky one.
He had no one.
383
00:26:49,493 --> 00:26:50,926
He had us.
384
00:26:53,196 --> 00:26:54,493
I have you.
385
00:26:55,332 --> 00:26:56,560
Poor Bertie.
386
00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:59,735
We must put Bertie
out of our minds.
387
00:27:01,238 --> 00:27:02,865
We'll take a trip.
388
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:05,471
We'll buy some clothes.
389
00:27:05,542 --> 00:27:06,839
I'm sure you will.
390
00:27:07,344 --> 00:27:08,471
Oliver.
391
00:27:09,781 --> 00:27:12,682
You have been behaving
very strangely lately.
392
00:27:12,750 --> 00:27:15,116
My best friend is
dead, Vivian.
393
00:27:15,186 --> 00:27:16,813
But, darling, we're alive.
394
00:27:16,888 --> 00:27:19,118
Let's enjoy life while we can.
395
00:27:19,557 --> 00:27:22,685
I don't want to spend it
watching your grieving, dismal,
396
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:24,955
sweet, intelligent face.
397
00:27:25,029 --> 00:27:26,394
Quite right.
398
00:27:26,697 --> 00:27:28,131
Please forgive me.
399
00:27:31,036 --> 00:27:33,129
I wonder if you'd be
kind enough to tell me
400
00:27:33,205 --> 00:27:35,230
where I might find
Mr. Brandt's office.
401
00:27:35,641 --> 00:27:39,133
Through the double doors. Mr.
Brandt's secretary will help you.
402
00:27:39,211 --> 00:27:41,304
Thank you very much, madam.
403
00:27:48,154 --> 00:27:51,146
Excuse me, I'm looking
for Mr. Brandt's secretary.
404
00:27:51,224 --> 00:27:55,320
He'll be right back I'm George Campanella.
May I help you?
405
00:27:55,395 --> 00:27:57,863
No, no, no, sir.
Just waiting for Mr. Brandt.
406
00:27:57,931 --> 00:28:00,695
Well, he's not my responsibility.
Not anymore.
407
00:28:01,267 --> 00:28:03,599
He'll be right back.
Just have a seat.
408
00:28:18,652 --> 00:28:19,949
(CLATTERING)
409
00:28:21,155 --> 00:28:22,554
Yes, can I help you?
410
00:28:23,090 --> 00:28:26,856
Thank you very much, sir.
Just waiting for Mr. Brandt's secretary.
411
00:28:27,361 --> 00:28:29,922
As of today, I am
Mr. Brandt's secretary.
412
00:28:30,031 --> 00:28:31,020
You are?
413
00:28:33,535 --> 00:28:35,560
I just met Mr. Campanella.
414
00:28:35,670 --> 00:28:37,535
Oh, I am sure you did.
415
00:28:37,606 --> 00:28:40,837
My predecessor considers
himself quite a big deal.
416
00:28:40,909 --> 00:28:42,342
Is that a fact?
417
00:28:42,410 --> 00:28:45,573
I'm Lieutenant Columbo, sir,
police. And you are...
418
00:28:45,647 --> 00:28:47,308
Alvin. Alvin Metzler.
419
00:28:47,682 --> 00:28:50,083
Until last night,
I worked for Mr. Hastings.
420
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:53,080
A fine man.
I hope he rests in peace.
421
00:28:54,457 --> 00:28:56,049
This is about Mr. Hastings?
422
00:28:56,125 --> 00:28:58,525
Yes, sir.
Bertie Hastings, the deceased.
423
00:28:58,594 --> 00:29:00,994
I'm looking for Mr. Brandt.
424
00:29:01,063 --> 00:29:03,088
Mr. Brandt took
an early lunch.
425
00:29:03,165 --> 00:29:06,532
Sometimes he walks in the park across the street.
South side of the building.
426
00:29:06,602 --> 00:29:09,094
South side of the building.
Thank you very much.
427
00:29:15,979 --> 00:29:17,913
What is that,
womers lib in there?
428
00:29:18,148 --> 00:29:20,673
They don't let ladies do
that kind of work anymore?
429
00:29:20,751 --> 00:29:24,551
It's still legal. The partners
prefer male secretaries.
430
00:29:24,788 --> 00:29:26,449
Graduate accountants.
431
00:29:26,523 --> 00:29:29,584
That way they learn
the business and they move up.
432
00:29:29,994 --> 00:29:31,825
Now why didn't
I think of that?
433
00:29:31,896 --> 00:29:34,091
Then they get
secretaries, right?
434
00:29:34,165 --> 00:29:36,065
Girl-type secretaries.
435
00:29:37,335 --> 00:29:39,633
This fellow, George, the one
that I just met in there,
436
00:29:39,704 --> 00:29:42,400
he used to work for Mr. Brandt.
I guess he just got promoted.
437
00:29:42,473 --> 00:29:44,941
Right.
A full-fledged accountant.
438
00:29:45,710 --> 00:29:50,705
I hope Alvin was polite to you in
there because he's very upset.
439
00:29:51,750 --> 00:29:54,583
So Alvin thinks he
should've gotten promoted?
440
00:29:54,653 --> 00:29:56,553
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
Who can figure bosses?
441
00:30:50,812 --> 00:30:53,280
You know, sir,
that new secretary of yours,
442
00:30:53,348 --> 00:30:55,680
that's a man you can
really depend upon,
443
00:30:55,751 --> 00:30:58,413
that... Alvin?
444
00:30:59,087 --> 00:31:00,884
Alvin?
Yes, Alvin.
445
00:31:00,956 --> 00:31:03,584
He tells me how much you like to
come to the park after lunch,
446
00:31:03,659 --> 00:31:05,490
and here you are,
just like he said.
447
00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:07,221
Mind if I walk along, sir?
448
00:31:07,295 --> 00:31:09,821
No, no.
I'd be delighted.
449
00:31:11,801 --> 00:31:15,635
I also met your other secretary,
the one that's the accountant now.
450
00:31:15,705 --> 00:31:16,831
Yes, George.
451
00:31:16,906 --> 00:31:18,032
George.
452
00:31:18,107 --> 00:31:20,575
Would you do me a big
personal favor, sir?
453
00:31:20,643 --> 00:31:21,701
My pleasure.
454
00:31:21,778 --> 00:31:24,713
You see, I have this nephew, he's
studying to be an accountant.
455
00:31:24,781 --> 00:31:26,248
Isn't that terrific?
456
00:31:26,315 --> 00:31:28,510
Yeah. I mean, the young
people today, you know,
457
00:31:28,584 --> 00:31:31,748
all they wanna be is movie
stars and football players.
458
00:31:31,822 --> 00:31:35,553
Now this boy, he wants
to be an accountant.
459
00:31:35,626 --> 00:31:37,526
And I said to myself,
460
00:31:37,594 --> 00:31:41,758
"Who could give me better advice to pass
along to my nephew than Mr. Brandt?"
461
00:31:41,999 --> 00:31:45,992
I mean, you know firsthand how this
fellow George worked himself up.
462
00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:48,197
Well, that's because
our firm has a policy
463
00:31:48,272 --> 00:31:52,334
of rewarding skill and dedication
rather than seniority.
464
00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:56,642
As far as your nephew is concerned, I suggest
he gets all the education that he can
465
00:31:56,715 --> 00:32:00,981
and then, when he starts to work,
to apply himself assiduously.
466
00:32:01,286 --> 00:32:04,414
Mr. Brandt, thank you very much.
That's very good advice.
467
00:32:04,689 --> 00:32:06,486
And I am going to...
468
00:32:08,393 --> 00:32:10,555
Where did you get
the ice cream cone, sir?
469
00:32:12,765 --> 00:32:14,357
From a vendor across the park.
470
00:32:14,433 --> 00:32:15,422
Oh.
471
00:32:15,668 --> 00:32:18,967
Well, I was gonna get one,
but that's too far.
472
00:32:21,140 --> 00:32:25,577
Look at that, sir. Today is my lucky day.
I'll be right back.
473
00:32:50,237 --> 00:32:51,603
Delicious, sir.
474
00:32:52,874 --> 00:32:54,136
Just delicious.
475
00:32:54,509 --> 00:32:57,307
Yes, I know, Lieutenant.
I'm thoroughly addicted.
476
00:32:58,079 --> 00:32:59,376
Addiction.
477
00:33:00,848 --> 00:33:03,248
That must explain
the umbrella, sir.
478
00:33:04,085 --> 00:33:05,211
My umbrella?
479
00:33:05,553 --> 00:33:07,612
Well, it's such
a beautiful day, sir.
480
00:33:07,688 --> 00:33:10,852
I have to figure that you
always carry an umbrella.
481
00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:12,918
Another addiction, sir.
482
00:33:15,998 --> 00:33:17,465
Excuse me.
483
00:33:21,003 --> 00:33:23,904
Well, actually no, Lieutenant.
I had forgotten my umbrella
484
00:33:24,006 --> 00:33:26,440
at the Sigma Club and
I stopped by to fetch it.
485
00:33:26,508 --> 00:33:27,634
Well, now...
486
00:33:28,477 --> 00:33:31,970
I suppose you're wondering why I
should bother on such a lovely day.
487
00:33:32,649 --> 00:33:35,311
That's what I was asking.
The umbrella, yes, sir.
488
00:33:35,952 --> 00:33:40,753
In order to serve, an umbrella must be available
at the first collision of seasonal clouds.
489
00:33:40,824 --> 00:33:42,951
The debut of a
California drizzle.
490
00:33:43,026 --> 00:33:44,459
Now then,
we must consider.
491
00:33:44,527 --> 00:33:46,495
Where shall I be when
the first rain strikes?
492
00:33:46,563 --> 00:33:49,293
Shall I be at home?
In the office? In my car?
493
00:33:49,365 --> 00:33:51,561
Shall I be at the club?
At lunch?
494
00:33:51,635 --> 00:33:53,330
Now we're dealing
in probabilities.
495
00:33:53,404 --> 00:33:55,372
Right, sir. Probabilities.
496
00:33:55,439 --> 00:33:56,736
Options, you might say.
497
00:33:56,807 --> 00:33:58,434
Options indeed.
498
00:33:58,676 --> 00:34:02,737
Now, in the final analysis, I spend
just 13 hours per day at my residence.
499
00:34:02,813 --> 00:34:06,180
However, there are other factors
to be considered in this equation.
500
00:34:06,250 --> 00:34:09,344
Time at the office, time at
the club, time en route,
501
00:34:09,420 --> 00:34:13,118
and, dear me, we have not
even mentioned weekends.
502
00:34:13,191 --> 00:34:15,682
Time on the golf course.
503
00:34:15,760 --> 00:34:19,594
On top of that, I may be called upon
at any hour of the day or night
504
00:34:19,664 --> 00:34:21,564
to confer with a client.
505
00:34:21,833 --> 00:34:26,463
Where then should one keep an
umbrella ready for instant use?
506
00:34:26,938 --> 00:34:29,406
Upon consideration of these
and other variables,
507
00:34:29,474 --> 00:34:32,137
I have come to the conclusion,
sir, that the one,
508
00:34:32,211 --> 00:34:35,044
the only proper place
to lodge an umbrella,
509
00:34:35,114 --> 00:34:39,244
giving one the best play in the
game of avoiding being rained upon,
510
00:34:39,318 --> 00:34:42,048
that place is precisely
at home.
511
00:34:42,655 --> 00:34:43,952
Good day, Lieutenant.
512
00:34:51,965 --> 00:34:53,364
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
513
00:34:54,368 --> 00:34:55,562
Mr. Brandt.
514
00:34:55,736 --> 00:34:57,328
Yes, what is it, George?
515
00:34:57,804 --> 00:35:00,637
These private accounts
you were interested in, sir.
516
00:35:00,941 --> 00:35:02,909
I thought, what, with
this being tax season,
517
00:35:02,976 --> 00:35:06,207
you might prefer to work on them
at home, at your convenience.
518
00:35:06,613 --> 00:35:08,945
Yes, how very thoughtful
of you, George.
519
00:35:09,116 --> 00:35:11,950
Why don't you drop them by
this evening on your way home?
520
00:35:12,353 --> 00:35:13,752
I'd be happy to.
521
00:35:16,891 --> 00:35:18,153
(TICKING)
522
00:36:47,919 --> 00:36:49,819
I have a theory, Lieutenant.
523
00:36:52,324 --> 00:36:54,088
I know how
the murderer did it.
524
00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:58,291
There never was any burglar.
Somebody planned to kill Mr. Hastings.
525
00:36:58,464 --> 00:37:01,058
Planned? You really think so?
526
00:37:01,901 --> 00:37:04,369
I think he was killed
before we heard the shots.
527
00:37:04,437 --> 00:37:06,234
Because we never heard
the real shots.
528
00:37:06,305 --> 00:37:08,637
The shots we heard
were on that record.
529
00:37:09,342 --> 00:37:12,368
On the record.
Shots on the record.
530
00:37:13,547 --> 00:37:15,572
I don't know. I mean
that's a very good idea,
531
00:37:15,649 --> 00:37:17,913
but I just played that record
four separate times.
532
00:37:17,985 --> 00:37:20,545
I don't suppose I could've
missed those shots.
533
00:37:21,188 --> 00:37:23,213
But I could play it
again and see.
534
00:37:23,457 --> 00:37:25,254
That's okay,
Lieutenant.
535
00:37:26,427 --> 00:37:29,055
I didn't realize you played
the record at all.
536
00:37:29,129 --> 00:37:32,964
Well, you keep thinking, Caroline.
I can use all the help I can get.
537
00:37:33,668 --> 00:37:37,126
And anyone who can come up with an idea
as good as the one that you just had
538
00:37:37,205 --> 00:37:38,797
can also come up
with the answer.
539
00:37:38,873 --> 00:37:40,864
And I'm gonna tell you
something else.
540
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:44,034
You not only have
a terrific mind,
541
00:37:44,779 --> 00:37:47,907
you're also
a remarkably pretty girl.
542
00:37:52,654 --> 00:37:54,589
You know something,
Lieutenant?
543
00:37:56,525 --> 00:37:58,789
That's the very first time
anybody ever told me
544
00:37:58,861 --> 00:38:01,887
they liked me for my body
instead of my mind.
545
00:38:13,910 --> 00:38:14,899
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
546
00:38:14,978 --> 00:38:16,912
Sorry.
Excuse me! I'm sorry.
547
00:38:16,980 --> 00:38:18,106
Forgive me, sir.
548
00:38:18,815 --> 00:38:20,407
Well, it's a funny thing,
you know.
549
00:38:20,484 --> 00:38:22,782
You're just the person
that I was looking for.
550
00:38:22,853 --> 00:38:25,253
Would you mind stepping inside
for just one moment, sir?
551
00:38:25,322 --> 00:38:27,290
I was looking for
you too, Lieutenant.
552
00:38:27,824 --> 00:38:30,657
What a coincidence.
Let me ask you something, sir.
553
00:38:32,028 --> 00:38:35,726
That big dictionary on the floor,
does that look peculiar to you?
554
00:38:36,667 --> 00:38:38,396
Well, it should be
on the stand.
555
00:38:38,469 --> 00:38:41,131
That's what I thought.
And another thing.
556
00:38:45,510 --> 00:38:49,844
The medical examiner says that
both bullets entered the body
557
00:38:50,481 --> 00:38:52,381
at exactly the same angle.
558
00:38:52,984 --> 00:38:56,546
Now if the killer fired
and then the body fell.
559
00:38:57,289 --> 00:39:00,520
Then he fired again,
like you all heard...
560
00:39:00,592 --> 00:39:02,890
Then the bullets would've
entered at different angles.
561
00:39:02,961 --> 00:39:04,861
Yes, I would say so, sir.
562
00:39:05,164 --> 00:39:07,894
That goes right along
with my suicide theory.
563
00:39:08,333 --> 00:39:09,630
Suicide?
564
00:39:11,203 --> 00:39:16,005
You mean he shot himself in the
chest, then fell to the floor,
565
00:39:16,276 --> 00:39:17,641
then did it again?
566
00:39:19,212 --> 00:39:20,702
One thing, sir.
567
00:39:21,447 --> 00:39:23,074
How did he get
rid of the gun?
568
00:39:23,550 --> 00:39:25,450
Part of his plan.
He had to.
569
00:39:25,618 --> 00:39:26,642
Had to?
570
00:39:26,953 --> 00:39:28,443
Get rid of the gun.
571
00:39:29,522 --> 00:39:32,491
I sold Bertie
his life insurance.
572
00:39:32,559 --> 00:39:35,290
There's a suicide clause
in the policy.
573
00:39:36,096 --> 00:39:38,860
If I can ever be
of any help...
574
00:39:38,933 --> 00:39:41,163
Suicide clause.
I can guess what that is.
575
00:39:41,235 --> 00:39:43,533
If he kills himself
your company doesn't pay.
576
00:39:43,604 --> 00:39:45,902
So he had to
hide the gun.
577
00:39:45,973 --> 00:39:47,031
Now,
578
00:39:48,342 --> 00:39:50,242
I think he had it
579
00:39:50,311 --> 00:39:54,408
on some sort
of elastic tether.
580
00:39:56,685 --> 00:39:59,210
Elastic? Oh, that's
very interesting.
581
00:39:59,287 --> 00:40:01,755
(EXCLAIMING)
He fired the first shot,
582
00:40:02,490 --> 00:40:07,052
the rigging probably triggered
the second shot.
583
00:40:07,662 --> 00:40:09,596
And the gun just snapped away.
584
00:40:10,131 --> 00:40:11,359
Where to, sir?
585
00:40:11,600 --> 00:40:13,033
Two possibilities.
586
00:40:17,173 --> 00:40:19,403
Out the window.
587
00:40:21,377 --> 00:40:23,311
Screen on the window.
588
00:40:23,813 --> 00:40:25,906
I don't know how the gun...
589
00:40:26,082 --> 00:40:29,245
Then, if you'll
take the trouble
590
00:40:30,419 --> 00:40:32,717
to glance up the chimney,
591
00:40:32,989 --> 00:40:34,981
I am sure you'll
find the gun.
592
00:40:37,294 --> 00:40:40,422
You're not gonna believe this, sir.
But I...
593
00:40:46,270 --> 00:40:47,794
You see, I...
594
00:40:47,871 --> 00:40:49,998
You already checked up there?
595
00:40:51,108 --> 00:40:55,239
Don't get me wrong, sir.
I never thought of the gun being on the elastic.
596
00:40:55,346 --> 00:40:58,281
I mean, I just happened
to look up there
597
00:40:58,349 --> 00:41:01,318
I mean, it was just because the...
All the lab boys, you know,
598
00:41:01,386 --> 00:41:06,085
they were vacuuming the rug and they said
that there was powder carbon around.
599
00:41:07,392 --> 00:41:10,486
Well, anytime, Lieutenant.
600
00:41:32,818 --> 00:41:34,217
(DOORBELL RINGING)
601
00:41:35,455 --> 00:41:38,015
Oh, you poor man.
602
00:41:38,158 --> 00:41:40,456
Why didn't you park
in the driveway?
603
00:41:40,527 --> 00:41:43,394
Well, I have an oil leak
in my car, madam, and...
604
00:41:43,563 --> 00:41:45,224
Wouldn't you know it.
605
00:41:45,598 --> 00:41:47,463
Just tonight my wife decided
606
00:41:47,534 --> 00:41:50,594
to try out a new spot remover
for my raincoat.
607
00:41:51,304 --> 00:41:53,568
Why don't you put
your umbrella over there?
608
00:42:00,381 --> 00:42:02,076
Do sit down, Lieutenant.
609
00:42:03,784 --> 00:42:05,809
Oh, would you
look at that?
610
00:42:06,721 --> 00:42:09,884
That's the same Victrola that
they have down at the Sigma Club.
611
00:42:09,990 --> 00:42:14,120
Yes, Oliver donated it.
One of his clients makes them.
612
00:42:14,362 --> 00:42:17,855
You know, the one at the club is working very funny.
Every time you push the play button
613
00:42:17,933 --> 00:42:21,699
the needle drops down right in the
middle and always in the same spot.
614
00:42:22,037 --> 00:42:23,766
Oh, I think
I can explain that.
615
00:42:24,406 --> 00:42:26,738
It has a computer. A memory.
616
00:42:26,908 --> 00:42:30,674
So, say you wanted to
play a Sinatra record.
617
00:42:31,446 --> 00:42:32,913
How about this one?
618
00:42:33,815 --> 00:42:35,077
Really, Inspector?
619
00:42:35,151 --> 00:42:36,413
Well, why not?
620
00:42:37,320 --> 00:42:38,480
Well...
621
00:42:41,491 --> 00:42:45,894
Say you wanted to hear the second
and the fifth track of a record.
622
00:42:46,696 --> 00:42:51,258
You can set this, so that
it skips all the others.
623
00:42:52,702 --> 00:42:54,727
Just by pushing those buttons?
624
00:42:54,804 --> 00:42:56,636
You can even set it
625
00:42:56,707 --> 00:42:59,767
so that it plays the same
track over and over again.
626
00:43:00,177 --> 00:43:02,543
And it also
switches itself off.
627
00:43:02,613 --> 00:43:04,240
Isn't that something?
628
00:43:04,314 --> 00:43:05,906
A glass of wine,
Lieutenant?
629
00:43:05,983 --> 00:43:07,917
Oh, thank you
very much, sir.
630
00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:13,481
Sir, here I am, playing with
this beautiful machine and...
631
00:43:14,858 --> 00:43:16,588
What a coincidence.
632
00:43:17,429 --> 00:43:19,897
What I was going to
ask you, sir, was
633
00:43:20,265 --> 00:43:23,200
the murderer wouldn't have put
the record on up in the library,
634
00:43:23,268 --> 00:43:26,669
and you didn't do it.
So that means Mr. Hastings did it.
635
00:43:26,738 --> 00:43:29,935
Now did your friend have any
particular liking for Tchaikovsky?
636
00:43:30,275 --> 00:43:31,833
Bertie had a tin ear.
637
00:43:31,910 --> 00:43:34,344
He understood nothing
and liked everything.
638
00:43:34,679 --> 00:43:36,272
Tchaikovsky included.
639
00:43:36,515 --> 00:43:40,383
That's exactly what
your secretary Alvin said.
640
00:43:40,786 --> 00:43:43,448
I see. Well, I suppose
Alvin would know.
641
00:43:43,522 --> 00:43:46,685
He was with Bertie
for almost a year. Please.
642
00:43:48,127 --> 00:43:51,460
Oh. It's getting very late, sir.
Mrs. Brandt.
643
00:43:51,530 --> 00:43:53,157
But you haven't touched
your wine.
644
00:43:53,232 --> 00:43:55,632
Some other time, madam.
Thank you very much.
645
00:43:55,701 --> 00:43:57,329
I'll see you out.
646
00:44:03,443 --> 00:44:06,879
One more question, sir.
About those sacks of gold.
647
00:44:07,314 --> 00:44:11,751
If I put them all on the scale and
then take them off one by one.
648
00:44:12,185 --> 00:44:14,585
No. You use your penny.
649
00:44:14,654 --> 00:44:18,216
You get a card. You have
one reading on the weight.
650
00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:21,726
Right. Got it.
651
00:44:22,930 --> 00:44:26,024
I'm gonna work on that
tonight with Mrs. Columbo.
652
00:44:30,571 --> 00:44:31,799
VIVIAN: Good night,
Lieutenant.
653
00:44:32,673 --> 00:44:34,470
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
654
00:44:47,723 --> 00:44:50,920
Hi. I'm Suzy.
655
00:44:51,527 --> 00:44:52,994
Hi, Suzy.
656
00:44:54,196 --> 00:44:58,065
I've tried Esalen, Primal
Scream, Pyramid Power,
657
00:44:58,134 --> 00:45:01,661
Synanon, a black mass
in San Francisco,
658
00:45:01,738 --> 00:45:06,266
open marriage, est, TA, TM,
I'm OK, You're OK,
659
00:45:06,409 --> 00:45:08,377
and I'm still a target.
660
00:45:11,748 --> 00:45:14,114
Lieutenant Columbo, sir.
We've met.
661
00:45:14,183 --> 00:45:15,514
Nice to see you here.
662
00:45:16,720 --> 00:45:17,948
(LAUGHING)
663
00:45:19,456 --> 00:45:22,050
It's really very crowded
here, madam.
664
00:45:22,159 --> 00:45:24,252
I'm terribly sorry.
I enjoyed it.
665
00:45:24,328 --> 00:45:26,319
I'm Suzy. He's George.
666
00:45:26,397 --> 00:45:28,456
How'd you find me?
Alvin?
667
00:45:28,532 --> 00:45:30,966
I don't like to talk
behind people's backs, sir,
668
00:45:31,035 --> 00:45:33,230
but I don't think
Alvin likes you very much.
669
00:45:33,304 --> 00:45:34,828
Now do you come here often,
Lieutenant?
670
00:45:34,905 --> 00:45:36,395
No, madam.
My first time.
671
00:45:36,473 --> 00:45:38,669
Listen, what else did he
tell you, Lieutenant?
672
00:45:38,743 --> 00:45:41,871
I can tell, sir, that
you're the kind of man
673
00:45:41,947 --> 00:45:45,178
that has a lot of
terrific plans for himself.
674
00:45:45,417 --> 00:45:47,851
But I think you ought
to think about something.
675
00:45:47,919 --> 00:45:49,944
Let me buy you
a drink, Lieutenant.
676
00:45:50,021 --> 00:45:52,319
Thank you very much, madam,
but I'm working.
677
00:45:52,390 --> 00:45:55,985
As a matter of fact, I can't think
of a time when I wasn't working.
678
00:45:56,127 --> 00:45:57,993
You see, sir,
679
00:45:59,165 --> 00:46:01,759
here I am telling you
something, sir.
680
00:46:04,437 --> 00:46:08,965
Any accountant who is
aware of a felony,
681
00:46:09,041 --> 00:46:11,805
he becomes an accessory
to that felony
682
00:46:11,877 --> 00:46:14,038
unless he reports it
to the proper authorities.
683
00:46:14,113 --> 00:46:15,842
I like the way
you wear your hair.
684
00:46:15,915 --> 00:46:17,474
What I'm saying is...
685
00:46:17,651 --> 00:46:20,984
Oh, thank you very much, madam.
I like the way you wear yours.
686
00:46:21,588 --> 00:46:24,352
What I'm trying to say,
George, is
687
00:46:24,458 --> 00:46:28,952
I really don't think you're gonna be able
to make it to the top with a police record.
688
00:46:30,097 --> 00:46:31,655
I don't think so.
689
00:46:35,268 --> 00:46:37,066
SUZY: Goodbye, Lieutenant.
690
00:46:40,441 --> 00:46:43,740
You have some
very interesting friends.
691
00:46:44,278 --> 00:46:46,212
I wish I were dead.
692
00:46:48,416 --> 00:46:51,214
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
693
00:47:05,934 --> 00:47:07,026
Lieutenant.
694
00:47:12,474 --> 00:47:13,839
You bought that here?
695
00:47:15,277 --> 00:47:17,712
No, I bought it
in the donut shop
696
00:47:17,781 --> 00:47:22,184
because I was gonna eat it in the elevator,
but then I saw my friend here and...
697
00:47:24,287 --> 00:47:26,517
I'm really terribly sorry.
698
00:47:32,262 --> 00:47:34,025
Well, let me see.
699
00:47:35,932 --> 00:47:37,365
Let's see now.
700
00:47:37,434 --> 00:47:38,800
I can come back.
701
00:47:38,869 --> 00:47:41,167
No, no, no, I'll have...
702
00:47:43,107 --> 00:47:44,540
I'll have a donut.
703
00:47:51,415 --> 00:47:53,940
I thought about
what you said, Lieutenant.
704
00:47:54,051 --> 00:47:56,542
Sir, if it'll be
of any help to you,
705
00:47:56,987 --> 00:48:01,288
I know that Mr. Brandt lost lots
of money on some stock options.
706
00:48:02,227 --> 00:48:03,626
Alvin again?
707
00:48:06,698 --> 00:48:08,666
So Mr. Brandt needed money.
708
00:48:09,134 --> 00:48:11,068
Have you met Mrs. Brandt?
709
00:48:11,503 --> 00:48:12,697
Yes.
710
00:48:16,475 --> 00:48:19,707
Okay. I went back
to the office one night.
711
00:48:20,246 --> 00:48:22,612
He was Mr. Hastings'
secretary at the time.
712
00:48:22,682 --> 00:48:26,778
Well, there he was, replacing
some files in Brandt's office.
713
00:48:26,919 --> 00:48:30,082
Confidential accounts that
Brandt handled personally.
714
00:48:31,124 --> 00:48:34,116
Now this is when you were still Mr.
Brandt's secretary, right?
715
00:48:34,193 --> 00:48:35,455
That's right.
716
00:48:36,395 --> 00:48:39,763
Why would Alvin fiddle around
with your boss's accounts?
717
00:48:39,833 --> 00:48:42,529
Because Hastings told him
to bring him the files.
718
00:48:42,603 --> 00:48:45,936
He must've suspected that his
partner was engaged in some
719
00:48:46,974 --> 00:48:48,703
creative bookkeeping.
720
00:48:48,776 --> 00:48:49,936
Will that be all?
721
00:48:50,010 --> 00:48:52,274
Yes, very nice. Thank you.
722
00:48:54,381 --> 00:48:55,905
Creative bookkeeping?
723
00:48:55,983 --> 00:48:58,350
You see, most of our work
is corporate.
724
00:48:58,419 --> 00:49:02,048
But Brandt likes to handle some of
the individual accounts himself.
725
00:49:02,457 --> 00:49:05,449
Old clients, mostly widows.
726
00:49:05,527 --> 00:49:08,189
Are these widows, sir,
wealthy?
727
00:49:08,263 --> 00:49:09,252
Loaded.
728
00:49:09,364 --> 00:49:12,527
I checked the files and ran
some computer printouts.
729
00:49:12,600 --> 00:49:14,192
And what's
the bottom line, sir?
730
00:49:14,736 --> 00:49:18,400
Brandt has been sifting funds
from his clients' accounts.
731
00:49:18,607 --> 00:49:20,370
A very nifty job.
732
00:49:20,442 --> 00:49:24,208
So you told your boss that Mr.
Hastings knew what he was doing?
733
00:49:25,181 --> 00:49:27,775
Congratulations
on your promotion, sir.
734
00:49:27,850 --> 00:49:30,546
I'm always glad to
cooperate, Lieutenant.
735
00:49:33,455 --> 00:49:36,253
Oh, good morning, sir.
I was just explaining to the Lieutenant that...
736
00:49:36,325 --> 00:49:38,316
Sit down, George.
Finish your grapefruit.
737
00:49:38,394 --> 00:49:40,659
I think I can guess
what you were explaining.
738
00:49:40,730 --> 00:49:43,324
More tips for your nephew,
right, Lieutenant?
739
00:49:43,400 --> 00:49:46,597
Right, sir. George
was telling me exactly
740
00:49:46,703 --> 00:49:51,003
how a young accountant gets ahead.
Take my seat, sir. Please.
741
00:49:53,109 --> 00:49:54,371
Sir.
742
00:50:02,186 --> 00:50:06,850
He wasn't talking about his nephew, sir.
It's Alvin again.
743
00:50:13,497 --> 00:50:15,089
(PHONE RINGING)
744
00:50:15,166 --> 00:50:17,430
Good morning, Mr. Brandt. I...
745
00:50:18,636 --> 00:50:19,729
What?
746
00:50:19,905 --> 00:50:23,341
Good morning again, sir.
I thought you'd rather talk up here.
747
00:50:23,508 --> 00:50:24,702
You're at my desk.
748
00:50:24,776 --> 00:50:26,209
Oh, sorry, sir.
749
00:50:26,278 --> 00:50:28,473
You realize this is
our busiest time of the year.
750
00:50:28,547 --> 00:50:31,778
I understand, sir.
And I wouldn't bother you,
751
00:50:32,551 --> 00:50:35,384
but I'm afraid that Mr.
Hastings might have been involved
752
00:50:35,454 --> 00:50:37,513
in some nasty things
around here, sir.
753
00:50:38,992 --> 00:50:42,428
I know this is hard to believe, sir.
But I happen to know
754
00:50:43,096 --> 00:50:45,564
that he had his secretary
755
00:50:45,999 --> 00:50:49,127
take some account files
from your office.
756
00:50:49,202 --> 00:50:50,499
Alvin?
757
00:50:52,105 --> 00:50:56,474
Are you suggesting a conspiracy
between Bertie and Alvin?
758
00:50:56,542 --> 00:50:58,169
I hate to say this, sir,
759
00:50:58,244 --> 00:51:02,045
but Mr. Hastings might have
been doctoring those accounts.
760
00:51:09,490 --> 00:51:10,479
(SIGHING)
761
00:51:11,225 --> 00:51:14,285
(STUTTERING) This comes as a
terrible shock to me, Lieutenant.
762
00:51:14,962 --> 00:51:16,862
You'll have to excuse me.
763
00:51:16,931 --> 00:51:21,062
Oh, yes, sir. I understand.
You'll certainly need time to think.
764
00:51:31,913 --> 00:51:33,278
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
765
00:51:33,682 --> 00:51:35,309
Mr. Brandt.
What is it?
766
00:51:35,583 --> 00:51:38,143
I owe it to myself to
express my dissatisfaction.
767
00:51:38,219 --> 00:51:40,950
I was clearly in line for the
position that you gave George.
768
00:51:41,023 --> 00:51:44,982
You dare tell me your position in this firm.
You niggling little twit.
769
00:51:45,061 --> 00:51:47,188
You self-serving
ambitious lout.
770
00:51:47,263 --> 00:51:51,029
Maybe Mr. Hastings took this abuse
from you, but I certainly will not!
771
00:51:51,100 --> 00:51:54,035
And you'll take it, too,
Alvin, twentyfold.
772
00:51:54,103 --> 00:51:57,129
You'll be a secretary here
until you're old and gray.
773
00:51:57,206 --> 00:52:00,370
And if you try to work anywhere
else, I'll pull so many strings
774
00:52:00,444 --> 00:52:01,741
that you'll strangle in them.
775
00:52:01,812 --> 00:52:03,677
But that's...
Now, go back to your desk!
776
00:52:03,747 --> 00:52:07,877
Suddenly, Alvin, you're a great,
choking stench in my life.
777
00:52:07,951 --> 00:52:09,043
Get out!
778
00:52:14,925 --> 00:52:15,857
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
779
00:52:15,926 --> 00:52:16,915
(SLAMMING DOOR)
780
00:52:17,327 --> 00:52:18,589
What was that?
781
00:52:18,662 --> 00:52:19,754
What?
782
00:52:20,398 --> 00:52:21,956
Well, the whole house shook.
783
00:52:24,369 --> 00:52:26,564
The world is crumbling.
What do you expect?
784
00:52:37,782 --> 00:52:39,647
What is wrong with you?
785
00:52:40,185 --> 00:52:43,450
I have been betrayed, pursued,
and threatened by innuendo.
786
00:52:43,522 --> 00:52:46,184
The least I could hope for is
some understanding from my wife.
787
00:52:46,258 --> 00:52:49,921
It's the new negligee
I bought. Is that it?
788
00:52:49,995 --> 00:52:51,963
It is everything
you have bought.
789
00:52:52,031 --> 00:52:55,398
We are in trouble.
Oh, and of course it's my fault.
790
00:52:55,567 --> 00:52:57,728
Well, you are the mother
of my predicament.
791
00:52:57,936 --> 00:53:01,634
And now, little Oliver wants
to be mothered. Is that it?
792
00:53:01,708 --> 00:53:03,903
I want what is due me!
793
00:53:07,080 --> 00:53:10,311
Some affection,
understanding, gratitude.
794
00:53:12,185 --> 00:53:15,712
Support in the worst of times.
795
00:53:15,789 --> 00:53:17,120
I don't know what
you're talking about.
796
00:53:17,190 --> 00:53:19,249
I have embezzled funds!
797
00:53:24,565 --> 00:53:25,793
And I did it for you.
798
00:53:28,869 --> 00:53:32,703
Oliver, I've never understood
about business.
799
00:53:33,574 --> 00:53:35,633
I belong to another part
of your life.
800
00:53:35,709 --> 00:53:38,701
Do you understand
what I am telling you?
801
00:53:39,613 --> 00:53:41,980
No. And I don't think
I want to.
802
00:53:42,884 --> 00:53:44,511
(PHONE RINGING)
803
00:53:52,294 --> 00:53:53,420
Oliver Brandt.
804
00:53:53,495 --> 00:53:55,486
KLINE: Mr. Brandt,
this is Sergeant Kline.
805
00:53:55,564 --> 00:53:57,589
Lieutenant Columbo and Sergeant
Burke would appreciate it
806
00:53:57,666 --> 00:53:59,896
if you'd come by
the Sigma Club right away.
807
00:54:09,445 --> 00:54:10,810
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
808
00:54:56,594 --> 00:54:57,754
(CREAKING)
809
00:55:05,037 --> 00:55:06,402
(RATTLING)
810
00:55:16,282 --> 00:55:17,772
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
811
00:55:26,893 --> 00:55:28,383
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
812
00:55:38,038 --> 00:55:41,371
(GUN FIRING TWICE)
813
00:55:45,947 --> 00:55:47,346
Oh, there you are.
814
00:55:48,182 --> 00:55:49,945
COLUMBO: Is that you,
Mr. Brandt?
815
00:55:50,051 --> 00:55:51,518
It is, Lieutenant.
816
00:55:51,719 --> 00:55:53,277
Come on up, Mr. Brandt.
817
00:55:54,388 --> 00:55:55,878
You need anything else, sir?
818
00:55:55,957 --> 00:55:58,152
No, that's fine.
Good night, Sergeant.
819
00:55:58,492 --> 00:55:59,823
Good night, Lieutenant.
820
00:56:12,507 --> 00:56:13,974
(CLASSICAL MUSIC
CONTINUES PLAYING)
821
00:56:20,983 --> 00:56:24,215
Oh, just in time, sir. Perfect.
I want you to see this.
822
00:56:32,795 --> 00:56:35,889
Now I want you to see what happens,
sir, when the record finishes.
823
00:56:35,965 --> 00:56:39,833
It was really very thoughtful of you,
sir, to give this Victrola to the club.
824
00:56:39,902 --> 00:56:43,031
Well, I...
I enjoy giving pleasure.
825
00:56:43,140 --> 00:56:47,133
I hope those explosions didn't frighten you, sir.
Just experimenting.
826
00:56:49,013 --> 00:56:50,412
Soon.
827
00:56:51,615 --> 00:56:53,344
COLUMBO: Finished. Now watch.
828
00:56:53,417 --> 00:56:57,183
It glides across the record and
it goes to this point right here.
829
00:56:57,321 --> 00:57:02,282
Then it goes back again, past
this point here, right here.
830
00:57:02,360 --> 00:57:05,921
And then it goes all the way back again
and it rests on this whatchamacallit.
831
00:57:05,997 --> 00:57:08,056
Now, I want you
to notice this, sir.
832
00:57:10,935 --> 00:57:13,369
Here on this whatchamacallit.
833
00:57:13,705 --> 00:57:17,573
Right here.
Funny little scratches.
834
00:57:18,109 --> 00:57:21,476
Here and here.
835
00:57:21,579 --> 00:57:22,979
Do you see those, sir?
836
00:57:23,115 --> 00:57:24,104
Yes.
837
00:57:24,483 --> 00:57:26,781
A tiny clamp with teeth.
838
00:57:26,852 --> 00:57:29,548
Sergeant Burke thinks
baby alligator clamps.
839
00:57:29,922 --> 00:57:31,583
Now a funny thing.
840
00:57:33,592 --> 00:57:37,392
You remember Miss Eisenback
got a long distance call?
841
00:57:37,463 --> 00:57:38,987
Yes, from her father.
842
00:57:39,432 --> 00:57:40,865
In Memphis.
843
00:57:41,367 --> 00:57:45,361
The call came in just after you left Mr.
Hastings and went downstairs.
844
00:57:45,439 --> 00:57:47,964
Lieutenant Columbo...
And then the call was interrupted.
845
00:57:48,041 --> 00:57:51,568
She had to hang up
when she heard the shots.
846
00:57:51,812 --> 00:57:53,074
If you say so.
847
00:57:54,514 --> 00:57:55,811
Here it is.
848
00:57:56,416 --> 00:58:00,409
I got this from the South Central
Bell Telephone Company in Memphis.
849
00:58:00,487 --> 00:58:03,013
Here's the call from her father.
The date.
850
00:58:03,991 --> 00:58:06,186
How long they talked.
851
00:58:06,394 --> 00:58:08,624
All right.
They talked four minutes.
852
00:58:08,696 --> 00:58:14,225
Which is almost exactly the same length of
time that the record player is set for.
853
00:58:14,702 --> 00:58:18,502
Watch. I'm going to push
the play button.
854
00:58:24,046 --> 00:58:28,346
Notice that the arm doesn't start at the beginning.
It starts in the middle.
855
00:58:28,417 --> 00:58:31,716
And if you let that play, sir,
it will take four minutes.
856
00:58:31,954 --> 00:58:33,888
And it does it every time.
857
00:58:34,156 --> 00:58:36,454
Lieutenant, is this what
you called me out for?
858
00:58:36,525 --> 00:58:38,459
No, sir. Not quite.
859
00:58:39,361 --> 00:58:42,330
To tell you the truth, sir,
I have another reason.
860
00:58:44,868 --> 00:58:46,426
Mr. Brandt.
861
00:58:46,503 --> 00:58:47,970
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
862
00:58:49,072 --> 00:58:52,667
I know exactly what you did
and how you did it.
863
00:58:53,843 --> 00:58:56,038
The gold sack puzzle, sir.
864
00:58:56,880 --> 00:58:58,973
Mrs. Columbo figured it out.
865
00:59:00,116 --> 00:59:03,314
You said that there were
these sacks of gold in a room
866
00:59:03,387 --> 00:59:06,652
and that one of the sacks
was filled with phony gold.
867
00:59:06,724 --> 00:59:10,182
And that the phony gold weighed
more than the real gold.
868
00:59:10,261 --> 00:59:13,094
And that I had a penny scale
but only one penny.
869
00:59:13,264 --> 00:59:15,755
And therefore only one chance
to weigh anything.
870
00:59:15,833 --> 00:59:19,894
And I had to figure out which of
the sacks had the phony gold.
871
00:59:19,970 --> 00:59:21,437
Am I right so far, sir?
872
00:59:21,505 --> 00:59:22,494
Yes.
873
00:59:22,807 --> 00:59:24,776
All right. Well, let's just
say there were three sacks
874
00:59:24,843 --> 00:59:27,004
because I happen to have
three sacks here.
875
00:59:27,379 --> 00:59:30,109
And we'll make believe that
this chocolate is the gold.
876
00:59:30,649 --> 00:59:34,312
And each real gold piece
weighs one pound.
877
00:59:35,320 --> 00:59:38,619
But one of these sacks
has the phony gold.
878
00:59:39,124 --> 00:59:43,026
And the phony gold weighs
one pound and one ounce.
879
00:59:43,463 --> 00:59:44,987
Am I right up to here, sir?
880
00:59:45,064 --> 00:59:46,292
Satisfactory so far.
881
00:59:46,365 --> 00:59:47,662
Follow me, sir.
882
00:59:50,069 --> 00:59:52,162
We're going to the scale.
Yes.
883
00:59:54,173 --> 00:59:56,368
And here's the scale.
884
00:59:56,709 --> 01:00:00,907
COLUMBO: Now, one bag,
two bags, three bags.
885
01:00:01,147 --> 01:00:03,912
Now we take one piece
from bag one.
886
01:00:04,284 --> 01:00:07,310
We take two pieces
from bag two.
887
01:00:07,588 --> 01:00:10,853
We take three pieces
from bag three.
888
01:00:10,924 --> 01:00:12,482
How many pieces is that, sir?
889
01:00:13,360 --> 01:00:14,622
Six.
Six.
890
01:00:14,695 --> 01:00:16,094
So far so good.
891
01:00:16,363 --> 01:00:20,094
We take all six pieces.
We put them on the scale.
892
01:00:20,767 --> 01:00:23,634
Now if that were
a regular scale
893
01:00:23,705 --> 01:00:28,074
and if all six pieces were the real
gold, it would weigh six pounds.
894
01:00:30,011 --> 01:00:34,380
But if the first bag had
the phony pieces,
895
01:00:35,316 --> 01:00:38,752
it would weigh six pounds
and one ounce
896
01:00:39,187 --> 01:00:42,816
because I only took one piece
from the first bag.
897
01:00:44,493 --> 01:00:48,589
And if the second bag had
the phony gold pieces
898
01:00:48,664 --> 01:00:52,225
it would weigh six pounds
and two ounces
899
01:00:52,301 --> 01:00:55,236
because I took two pieces
from the second bag.
900
01:00:55,304 --> 01:00:56,566
Bravo, Lieutenant.
901
01:00:56,639 --> 01:00:59,699
And if the third bag were
the phony bag,
902
01:00:59,775 --> 01:01:04,304
it would weigh six pounds and three
ounces and so on and so on and so on.
903
01:01:04,381 --> 01:01:05,678
Sir...
904
01:01:05,882 --> 01:01:07,713
It's a terrific puzzle.
905
01:01:07,784 --> 01:01:09,251
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
906
01:01:39,717 --> 01:01:41,514
Must be fun playing
with these trains.
907
01:01:41,586 --> 01:01:43,850
It'd be terrific if we just
had the time, right, sir?
908
01:01:43,921 --> 01:01:45,890
Yes, it would be nice.
909
01:01:47,159 --> 01:01:49,423
You know, sir,
it's a funny thing.
910
01:01:50,762 --> 01:01:53,458
All my life I kept running
into smart people.
911
01:01:54,232 --> 01:01:57,633
I don't just mean smart like you
and the people in this house.
912
01:01:58,704 --> 01:02:00,103
You know what I mean.
913
01:02:02,040 --> 01:02:04,874
In school there were
lots of smarter kids.
914
01:02:05,411 --> 01:02:07,971
And when I first joined
the force, sir,
915
01:02:08,781 --> 01:02:12,217
they had some
very clever people there.
916
01:02:13,386 --> 01:02:15,650
And I could tell right away
that it wasn't gonna be easy
917
01:02:15,722 --> 01:02:18,020
making detective as
long as they were around.
918
01:02:19,826 --> 01:02:21,191
But I figured that
919
01:02:22,428 --> 01:02:24,521
if I worked harder
than they did,
920
01:02:25,299 --> 01:02:27,096
and put in more time,
921
01:02:28,569 --> 01:02:30,469
read the books,
922
01:02:31,472 --> 01:02:35,568
kept my eyes open, maybe
I could make it happen.
923
01:02:36,810 --> 01:02:37,970
And I did.
924
01:02:42,983 --> 01:02:45,782
And I really love
my work, sir.
925
01:02:46,054 --> 01:02:47,385
I can tell you do.
926
01:02:48,623 --> 01:02:50,682
If there's one thing
I've learned, Lieutenant,
927
01:02:50,759 --> 01:02:53,023
it's that we all have
a cross to bear.
928
01:02:53,228 --> 01:02:57,460
Including those of us
who seem most fortunate.
929
01:02:58,767 --> 01:03:01,235
My problem is
just the opposite.
930
01:03:02,771 --> 01:03:06,173
Born smart, as they say.
931
01:03:07,076 --> 01:03:08,543
A blessing, you'd think.
932
01:03:09,111 --> 01:03:12,740
I had no real childhood.
I was an imitation adult.
933
01:03:12,982 --> 01:03:15,212
'Cause that's what
was expected of me.
934
01:03:15,651 --> 01:03:17,949
Most people don't like
smart people.
935
01:03:18,320 --> 01:03:20,914
Most children despise
smart children.
936
01:03:20,990 --> 01:03:24,756
So, early on, I had to hide
my so-called gift,
937
01:03:24,827 --> 01:03:28,958
conceal it from my own brothers and
sisters, my classmates, in the service.
938
01:03:30,567 --> 01:03:33,365
Painful, lonely years.
939
01:03:35,172 --> 01:03:37,163
You know, sir,
I never thought of that.
940
01:03:37,307 --> 01:03:39,832
I wonder if all those
early bitter memories
941
01:03:40,811 --> 01:03:43,245
had something to do
with my recent discovery
942
01:03:43,313 --> 01:03:45,281
that I simply no longer care
943
01:03:45,349 --> 01:03:49,376
even for my fellow
intelligentsia in this club.
944
01:03:50,588 --> 01:03:52,852
I find them eccentric bores.
945
01:03:57,995 --> 01:04:00,725
Mr. Brandt, now I've
got a puzzle for you.
946
01:04:02,266 --> 01:04:05,292
Man "A" wants to
kill Man "B."
947
01:04:07,206 --> 01:04:08,605
What am I told?
948
01:04:08,807 --> 01:04:11,332
It's kind of a minimum
information problem, sir.
949
01:04:11,410 --> 01:04:13,844
The men are in a room, sir.
Say this room.
950
01:04:13,912 --> 01:04:15,573
Lots of people downstairs.
951
01:04:16,281 --> 01:04:19,444
And Man "A," the killer,
he plans to use a gun.
952
01:04:19,518 --> 01:04:20,780
Then the shot would be heard.
953
01:04:20,853 --> 01:04:22,252
Not with a silencer, sir.
954
01:04:22,321 --> 01:04:24,414
He also would have
to get rid of the gun.
955
01:04:36,970 --> 01:04:38,767
He would have to
hide the gun.
956
01:04:39,873 --> 01:04:42,239
So the killer brings
an umbrella with him.
957
01:04:43,943 --> 01:04:45,740
May I see your
umbrella, sir?
958
01:04:46,347 --> 01:04:48,474
An umbrella to conceal a gun?
959
01:04:50,217 --> 01:04:52,708
Audacious and foolhardy,
I would say.
960
01:04:53,487 --> 01:04:56,479
But you may test your theory,
if you wish.
961
01:04:57,291 --> 01:04:59,816
Oh, I don't have a gun, sir.
Never carry one.
962
01:05:00,995 --> 01:05:02,622
The killer has a gun.
963
01:05:02,830 --> 01:05:04,730
With a silencer.
So you said.
964
01:05:05,266 --> 01:05:08,430
You see, sir, the killer plans
to put the gun in the umbrella
965
01:05:08,503 --> 01:05:11,472
and then hide the umbrella
in the fireplace
966
01:05:11,540 --> 01:05:13,337
and take it away
some other time.
967
01:05:14,176 --> 01:05:16,701
Ah! But then there would
be soot on the umbrella.
968
01:05:17,345 --> 01:05:20,371
You are absolutely right, sir.
There would be soot.
969
01:05:21,183 --> 01:05:23,515
Now, there is a second use
for the umbrella.
970
01:05:23,985 --> 01:05:25,509
You see these, sir.
971
01:05:26,155 --> 01:05:29,181
They're like loud firecrackers.
We call them squibs.
972
01:05:29,592 --> 01:05:32,425
Now the killer plans
to fake some shots
973
01:05:32,495 --> 01:05:34,292
because the victim
is already dead.
974
01:05:34,363 --> 01:05:38,925
I suggest that the squibs would leave
bits of paper when they explode.
975
01:05:39,602 --> 01:05:40,967
Telltale evidence.
976
01:05:41,037 --> 01:05:42,504
That's why, sir,
977
01:05:42,672 --> 01:05:45,903
the killer plans to catch
the shreds in here.
978
01:05:47,244 --> 01:05:49,041
Most ingenious, Lieutenant.
979
01:05:49,112 --> 01:05:52,377
But wouldn't the squibs
leave burns, scorch marks?
980
01:05:52,449 --> 01:05:55,145
Now, this umbrella, for
instance, is quite unmarked.
981
01:05:55,352 --> 01:05:59,413
You are absolutely right, sir.
But suppose this were the killer's other umbrella.
982
01:06:00,490 --> 01:06:02,481
Oh, I forgot to
tell you, sir.
983
01:06:02,793 --> 01:06:06,457
Last night when I was at your
house, I took the wrong umbrella.
984
01:06:08,466 --> 01:06:11,162
Excuse me, sir.
Just one moment.
985
01:06:16,808 --> 01:06:19,538
I took yours. It was
an honest mistake, sir.
986
01:06:19,611 --> 01:06:22,045
And we're not allowed
to get evidence that way.
987
01:06:22,247 --> 01:06:24,078
But as long as I had it,
988
01:06:25,383 --> 01:06:28,547
the lab found burns
from the squibs.
989
01:06:29,088 --> 01:06:30,521
And lots of soot, sir.
990
01:06:30,589 --> 01:06:31,681
I see.
991
01:06:31,924 --> 01:06:33,983
Now, tell me this,
Lieutenant.
992
01:06:34,059 --> 01:06:35,583
How were the squibs detonated?
993
01:06:35,661 --> 01:06:38,892
The killer is
a very intelligent man, sir.
994
01:06:39,732 --> 01:06:43,759
Watch. I put the squibs
in the umbrella and the gun.
995
01:06:46,672 --> 01:06:49,233
We'll pretend
that this is the gun.
996
01:06:50,744 --> 01:06:52,302
Now, the killer
997
01:06:53,880 --> 01:06:57,714
wedges the umbrella
up the chimney.
998
01:06:57,951 --> 01:06:59,714
You can't be serious.
999
01:06:59,786 --> 01:07:03,222
Oh, I am, sir. I am.
Absolutely serious.
1000
01:07:04,991 --> 01:07:08,826
Now, we'll just pretend that
this umbrella is up the chimney.
1001
01:07:12,800 --> 01:07:14,927
Now, these wires, sir.
1002
01:07:15,569 --> 01:07:17,594
They're attached to a battery
1003
01:07:18,172 --> 01:07:20,902
and the same kind of squibs.
1004
01:07:21,575 --> 01:07:24,066
Now, we'll just put these
in the umbrella.
1005
01:07:26,414 --> 01:07:28,542
And we'll run
this wire, sir,
1006
01:07:28,717 --> 01:07:30,378
right over here
to the Victrola.
1007
01:07:34,156 --> 01:07:35,885
We push the play button.
1008
01:07:38,360 --> 01:07:41,796
And we attach the wires here
1009
01:07:43,365 --> 01:07:46,493
and here, where I showed
you those scratches.
1010
01:07:46,568 --> 01:07:47,866
Preposterous nonsense.
1011
01:07:47,937 --> 01:07:50,303
Now the killer knows
when the record will end.
1012
01:07:50,373 --> 01:07:52,273
Yes, yes, you've
demonstrated all that.
1013
01:07:52,342 --> 01:07:55,937
And when the arm comes over
it will make contact.
1014
01:07:56,012 --> 01:07:58,412
First here exploding one squib
1015
01:07:58,481 --> 01:08:01,973
and then here
exploding the second.
1016
01:08:02,051 --> 01:08:04,076
But the body fell
between the two shots.
1017
01:08:04,153 --> 01:08:08,250
Yes, sir. That's where the killer
has to take a very big chance.
1018
01:08:11,662 --> 01:08:14,688
The dictionary has a line
here, dividing it in half.
1019
01:08:14,765 --> 01:08:17,325
So it can be balanced
on the edge.
1020
01:08:17,401 --> 01:08:19,892
You see, sir? Like this.
1021
01:08:20,104 --> 01:08:21,731
Clever but too unpredictable.
1022
01:08:21,805 --> 01:08:23,295
Important for
the illusion, sir.
1023
01:08:23,374 --> 01:08:24,671
The sound of the body falling.
1024
01:08:24,742 --> 01:08:26,676
You've got it.
But impossible to time.
1025
01:08:26,744 --> 01:08:28,679
But this killer is
very smart, sir.
1026
01:08:28,747 --> 01:08:31,375
Can he make the book fall between
the two shots? Oh, yes, sir.
1027
01:08:31,449 --> 01:08:33,417
How? Triggered by what?
I'll show you.
1028
01:08:33,485 --> 01:08:35,146
He would have to be a genius.
1029
01:08:35,220 --> 01:08:36,687
I think so too, sir.
1030
01:08:36,755 --> 01:08:39,747
Now I don't mean to imply that I
thought of this all by myself.
1031
01:08:39,824 --> 01:08:43,419
I mean, some of the smartest people in
the world are right here in this club,
1032
01:08:43,495 --> 01:08:45,759
and they helped me, sir.
They helped me a lot.
1033
01:08:45,830 --> 01:08:47,765
(SCOFFING) They're dunces,
the lot of them.
1034
01:08:47,833 --> 01:08:51,098
Mr. Danziger, the president of the
club, you wouldn't call him a dunce.
1035
01:08:51,170 --> 01:08:52,364
Oh, wouldn't I?
1036
01:08:52,438 --> 01:08:55,635
Well, it was his idea.
The book, the vibrations...
1037
01:08:55,741 --> 01:08:58,505
Vibrations?
What are you talking about?
1038
01:08:58,577 --> 01:09:02,707
The first squib, sir.
He really made it sound very simple.
1039
01:09:03,082 --> 01:09:06,518
When the squib goes off,
it produces vibrations.
1040
01:09:06,585 --> 01:09:08,451
And that knocks the book down.
1041
01:09:08,522 --> 01:09:10,422
That Danziger is a genius!
1042
01:09:10,490 --> 01:09:12,788
Vibrations? That nitwit.
1043
01:09:12,859 --> 01:09:16,420
The man who conceived all this, you've
made him out to be a bungling ass!
1044
01:09:16,496 --> 01:09:19,863
No! This is what
he would've done. This.
1045
01:09:24,337 --> 01:09:25,827
(FIRECRACKER EXPLODING)
1046
01:09:26,873 --> 01:09:27,931
There!
1047
01:09:28,176 --> 01:09:29,575
(LAUGHING)
1048
01:09:31,145 --> 01:09:32,339
There!
1049
01:09:45,626 --> 01:09:46,923
Oh, my.
1050
01:09:50,199 --> 01:09:51,496
Oh, my.
1051
01:09:53,902 --> 01:09:55,460
(PHONE RINGING)
1052
01:10:00,175 --> 01:10:01,506
Lieutenant Columbo.
1053
01:10:02,911 --> 01:10:04,902
Oh, yes, Mrs. Brandt.
He's right here.
1054
01:10:10,220 --> 01:10:11,380
For you, sir.
1055
01:10:13,790 --> 01:10:15,781
(RAIN PATTERING)
1056
01:10:15,859 --> 01:10:16,917
Yes?
1057
01:10:17,260 --> 01:10:19,319
I'm so sorry, darling.
1058
01:10:20,563 --> 01:10:24,158
Please come home.
Come to bed.
1059
01:10:26,669 --> 01:10:28,729
I need you.
1060
01:10:28,906 --> 01:10:32,433
Alas, my dear, I shall
not be needing you
1061
01:10:34,979 --> 01:10:36,139
anymore.
1062
01:10:39,016 --> 01:10:40,574
Was it the record player?
1063
01:10:41,886 --> 01:10:43,046
Yes, sir.
1064
01:10:43,487 --> 01:10:45,182
First it was
the record player.
1065
01:10:46,223 --> 01:10:48,350
Why would anybody
start it in the middle?
1066
01:10:52,497 --> 01:10:54,226
I should have
changed the cuing.
1067
01:10:55,066 --> 01:10:57,034
Extraordinary.
That bothered you?
1068
01:11:00,405 --> 01:11:02,100
Will you be
taking me in?
1069
01:11:02,774 --> 01:11:04,435
No, sir.
Someone will be along.
1070
01:11:05,410 --> 01:11:08,311
Lieutenant, what did
you say your IQ was?
1071
01:11:08,380 --> 01:11:09,780
I really don't know, sir.
1072
01:11:09,849 --> 01:11:11,282
It must be very high.
1073
01:11:11,350 --> 01:11:12,544
My own is...
1074
01:11:15,054 --> 01:11:16,783
We have a test here.
1075
01:11:19,525 --> 01:11:20,549
Oh, here.
1076
01:11:20,626 --> 01:11:22,992
I'm really not very good
at that sort of thing, sir.
1077
01:11:23,162 --> 01:11:25,653
You'll be surprised
at yourself.
1078
01:11:27,533 --> 01:11:28,761
Remarkable.
1079
01:11:30,871 --> 01:11:34,034
We can go directly to
the more difficult questions.
1080
01:11:34,208 --> 01:11:35,869
Ah, yes,
here we are.
1081
01:11:35,943 --> 01:11:38,810
Lieutenant, I'm going
to give you four words.
1082
01:11:38,879 --> 01:11:41,040
And you tell me
which one does not belong.
1083
01:11:41,348 --> 01:11:45,148
Asphalt, uncle,
delight, leave.
1084
01:11:46,053 --> 01:11:47,714
Which word doesn't belong?
1085
01:11:48,722 --> 01:11:52,352
Asphalt, uncle,
delight, leave.
1086
01:11:53,061 --> 01:11:57,020
Well, let me see.
We got Uncle Sam.
1087
01:11:57,699 --> 01:11:58,996
Dutch uncle.
1088
01:12:03,271 --> 01:12:04,795
Asphalt's the word, sir.
1089
01:12:04,939 --> 01:12:07,601
Because you can have
Turkish delight,
1090
01:12:07,775 --> 01:12:11,371
French leave and Dutch uncle.
All nationalities.
1091
01:12:12,314 --> 01:12:15,715
Lieutenant, have you ever considered
a different line of work?
1092
01:12:16,018 --> 01:12:18,851
Me, sir? No.
1093
01:12:19,421 --> 01:12:23,585
Never. I couldn't do that.
1094
01:12:37,007 --> 01:12:39,032
...Crying for you
1095
01:12:40,644 --> 01:12:43,772
And as I sit here and sigh
1096
01:12:44,014 --> 01:12:48,212
Says I,
"I can't believe it's true"
1097
01:12:48,318 --> 01:12:51,220
Boo-hoo,
1098
01:12:51,289 --> 01:12:55,692
I tell my mama on you
1099
01:12:55,760 --> 01:12:58,923
The little game
that you played
1100
01:12:59,563 --> 01:13:03,465
Has made her baby oh so blue83100
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