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1
00:00:01,827 --> 00:00:04,352
All my life, I felt like I was
just going through the motions.
2
00:00:04,395 --> 00:00:06,223
Walking left, walking right.
3
00:00:06,267 --> 00:00:09,487
As if I were a background
character in my own life.
4
00:00:09,531 --> 00:00:11,185
And then I saw her.
5
00:00:11,228 --> 00:00:14,231
We locked eyes.
And that was it.
6
00:00:14,275 --> 00:00:18,409
I loved her instantly.
We've been together ever since.
7
00:00:18,453 --> 00:00:21,412
They don't usually
let us talk.
8
00:00:21,456 --> 00:00:23,197
I shot my first husband!
9
00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:26,722
[patriotic music plays]
10
00:00:26,765 --> 00:00:29,551
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪
11
00:00:29,594 --> 00:00:33,424
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day♪
12
00:00:33,468 --> 00:00:36,688
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face♪
13
00:00:36,732 --> 00:00:40,475
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race♪
14
00:00:42,564 --> 00:00:45,958
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say♪
15
00:00:46,002 --> 00:00:48,091
-♪ Good--♪
-♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪
16
00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:49,223
Aah!
17
00:00:50,789 --> 00:00:54,097
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪
18
00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:58,841
♪
19
00:00:58,884 --> 00:01:00,886
Wow!
20
00:01:00,930 --> 00:01:02,540
"Wow" is right!
21
00:01:02,584 --> 00:01:04,325
We couldn't sleep either!
22
00:01:04,368 --> 00:01:07,371
Tomorrow is the big day!
It's all come down to this!
23
00:01:07,415 --> 00:01:09,112
The overnight class trip!
24
00:01:09,156 --> 00:01:13,551
To the most romantic city
in the world-- Philadelphia.
25
00:01:13,595 --> 00:01:15,771
Two nights. No parents.
26
00:01:15,814 --> 00:01:19,209
You're going to literally fall
in love in the City of Love!
27
00:01:19,253 --> 00:01:21,124
Well, it's the
City of Brotherly Love.
28
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:24,127
And, brother,
you're gonna fall in love!
29
00:01:24,171 --> 00:01:25,824
[all cheer]
30
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,654
Steve, tell us again
about Milk Girl.
31
00:01:29,698 --> 00:01:32,179
- Again?!
- Give us the goss, boss!
32
00:01:32,222 --> 00:01:34,790
Well, as you all know,
she's a tenth grader.
33
00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:37,053
Oooo!
34
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:40,578
She sits in the front row
of my AP Philadelphia class,
35
00:01:40,622 --> 00:01:43,015
puts her backpack
on the left side of her chair,
36
00:01:43,059 --> 00:01:44,234
and she drinks
37
00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:46,541
- a [bleep] ton of milk.
- No cap.
38
00:01:46,584 --> 00:01:49,196
I've been in love with her
from afar all year,
39
00:01:49,239 --> 00:01:52,068
and this is the trip
where I turn afar...
40
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:55,202
into... a-close.
41
00:01:55,245 --> 00:01:57,291
[both cheering]
42
00:01:59,815 --> 00:02:01,947
- Is that her?
- No.
43
00:02:01,991 --> 00:02:04,080
- Is that her?!
- Guys, I promise,
44
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,734
when you see her,
you will know.
45
00:02:05,777 --> 00:02:06,865
Eee!
46
00:02:06,909 --> 00:02:09,825
Francine, please,
try to be cool.
47
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:11,479
[squeals]
48
00:02:11,522 --> 00:02:15,396
Guess who just transferred
into AP Philadelphia!
49
00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:17,528
I heard you guys were
going to the US Mint,
50
00:02:17,572 --> 00:02:19,704
and I've always
been super curious
51
00:02:19,748 --> 00:02:21,271
about what money
looks like!
52
00:02:21,315 --> 00:02:24,361
I figured we could sit together
on the bus
53
00:02:24,405 --> 00:02:27,451
and you can catch me up
on other Philadelphia stuff,
54
00:02:27,495 --> 00:02:30,062
like how a cream cheese
became a city.
55
00:02:30,106 --> 00:02:31,325
- He can't!
- He can't!
56
00:02:31,368 --> 00:02:33,196
Would that I could, pal.
See this cooler?
57
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,763
Full of milk.
58
00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:37,505
I'm talking skim, whole,
almond, unpasteurized,
59
00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:40,377
milk of magnesia, should
the unpasteurized be a problem.
60
00:02:40,421 --> 00:02:43,380
So the plan is, I sit
next to her on the bus,
61
00:02:43,424 --> 00:02:47,428
dazzle her with the milk buffet,
just lay a solid foundation.
62
00:02:47,471 --> 00:02:49,995
By the time we get to the
Rocky Statue part of the trip,
63
00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:52,215
we'll be practically engaged.
64
00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:54,783
O-M-G, O-M-G, O-M-G!
That's gotta be her!
65
00:02:54,826 --> 00:02:56,567
FRANCINE: She's here!
O-M-G! Don't look!
66
00:02:56,611 --> 00:02:58,395
She's perfect
just like you said
67
00:02:58,439 --> 00:03:01,442
There is just something
so sweet about her.
68
00:03:01,485 --> 00:03:03,444
And even though
I don't know her name yet,
69
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:05,446
I know we are destined
to be together.
70
00:03:05,489 --> 00:03:08,057
Listen up!
I only teach this class
71
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:10,973
for the free trip
to Filthydelphia.
72
00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:14,716
I look forward to it
all year.
73
00:03:14,759 --> 00:03:16,935
I'm counting on you kids
to be cool.
74
00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:19,982
Woo! That's strong!
75
00:03:20,025 --> 00:03:21,853
This is my boy Marty.
76
00:03:21,897 --> 00:03:24,073
Normally, I'd have some teachers
or parents chaperone,
77
00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:27,119
but lucky for you,
Marty is in town
78
00:03:27,163 --> 00:03:29,470
and he's looking
to get out of town.
79
00:03:29,513 --> 00:03:30,819
[ding!]
80
00:03:30,862 --> 00:03:32,647
And now attendance.
81
00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:35,737
I-- I see, uh, Milk Girl.
82
00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:38,305
There's, uh, Milk Girl's
Little Friend.
83
00:03:38,348 --> 00:03:40,263
And, uh, yeah.
84
00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:43,614
Y-Y-Y-You know what? It--
It looks like you're all here.
85
00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:46,138
If you're here,
just get on the bus!
86
00:03:46,182 --> 00:03:47,966
[indistinct conversations]
87
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,447
[slurping]
88
00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:53,624
'Scuse me! 'Scuse.
89
00:03:53,668 --> 00:03:55,365
Sorry! Coming through!
90
00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:59,630
Um, what do you think you're
doing? I'm sitting here.
91
00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:00,762
STEVE: AHHH!
92
00:04:00,805 --> 00:04:03,025
Unh! Aaah!
93
00:04:03,068 --> 00:04:04,853
Don't freak out.
It's vintage.
94
00:04:04,896 --> 00:04:07,334
This fox has been dead
for like 70 years.
95
00:04:07,377 --> 00:04:09,074
I wear it to remind me
of my grandma.
96
00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:12,295
She was a stone-cold fox.
Still is actually.
97
00:04:12,339 --> 00:04:14,297
And what a bitch.
I really admire her.
98
00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:15,951
I can't believe it!
99
00:04:15,994 --> 00:04:17,213
That my grandma
is my best friend?
100
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,823
What? No.
101
00:04:18,867 --> 00:04:21,173
I was supposed to be sitting
next to a girl up there.
102
00:04:21,217 --> 00:04:23,175
I had the perfect plan.
103
00:04:23,219 --> 00:04:26,222
We were gonna fall in love
on this bus.
104
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:28,050
Well, your "perfect plan"
had a fatal flaw--
105
00:04:28,093 --> 00:04:29,530
love doesn't exist.
106
00:04:29,573 --> 00:04:30,792
Anyway, hi. I'm Ali.
107
00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:32,446
Well, I'm Steve.
108
00:04:32,489 --> 00:04:34,622
And that's insane.
Of course love exists.
109
00:04:34,665 --> 00:04:35,666
No, it doesn't.
110
00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:37,886
It does,
and it conquers all.
111
00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:40,410
Me and that girl up there
are soul mates.
112
00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:41,585
Which girl?
113
00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:42,847
The girl drinking milk.
114
00:04:42,891 --> 00:04:44,284
ALI: What's her name?
115
00:04:44,327 --> 00:04:47,199
"What's in a name?"
Shakespeare.
116
00:04:47,243 --> 00:04:48,505
So you don't even know
her name.
117
00:04:48,549 --> 00:04:50,681
You're distracting me.
I have to do something!
118
00:04:50,725 --> 00:04:52,988
- Something embarrassing?
- I'm writing a note
119
00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:55,251
asking her out on a date
once we get to Philly.
120
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,993
Smart move--
weird and embarrassing.
121
00:04:58,036 --> 00:05:00,125
Pass this up
to Milk Girl.
122
00:05:00,169 --> 00:05:01,823
I can't believe
I get to watch this.
123
00:05:01,866 --> 00:05:03,041
Believe it, honey.
124
00:05:03,085 --> 00:05:04,869
That's a ghost pepper.
125
00:05:04,913 --> 00:05:08,438
AAAAHHHH!
126
00:05:08,482 --> 00:05:11,354
Help!
Somebody help me!
127
00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:12,486
[inhaler hisses]
128
00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:14,139
[gasping]
129
00:05:14,183 --> 00:05:16,098
[retching]
130
00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:18,230
[Steve retching]
131
00:05:18,274 --> 00:05:20,798
Hi, Steve!
How's it going back there?
132
00:05:20,842 --> 00:05:22,713
I need a drink!
Please! AAAHHH!
133
00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:24,672
Heh! Nice try, kid!
134
00:05:24,715 --> 00:05:26,500
You're an amazing chaperone.
135
00:05:26,543 --> 00:05:28,110
[panting]
136
00:05:29,198 --> 00:05:31,374
Ugh! Ahh...
137
00:05:31,418 --> 00:05:34,029
Hunh!
138
00:05:41,123 --> 00:05:42,603
Well, my life is over.
139
00:05:42,646 --> 00:05:44,387
So, she got your note.
140
00:05:44,431 --> 00:05:46,520
She says... yes.
141
00:05:46,563 --> 00:05:49,784
♪ Love conquers all!♪
142
00:05:50,393 --> 00:05:52,787
We've never actually met
Milk Girl,
143
00:05:52,830 --> 00:05:55,703
but we've adjusted our wills
to include her.
144
00:05:55,746 --> 00:05:58,793
PRODUCER: Oh, we were hoping you
could tell us how you two met.
145
00:05:58,836 --> 00:06:01,404
Us? He picked me up
on the side of the road.
146
00:06:01,448 --> 00:06:04,015
Anyway,
back to Milk Girl.
147
00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:05,495
She's a tenth grader...
148
00:06:05,539 --> 00:06:07,367
BOTH:
Drinks a [bleep] ton of milk.
149
00:06:11,283 --> 00:06:13,198
ROGER:♪ Bada BA♪
150
00:06:13,242 --> 00:06:19,901
♪ Bada BA♪
151
00:06:19,944 --> 00:06:21,337
God, I love Philly!
152
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,644
Philly is
the Paris of America.
153
00:06:23,687 --> 00:06:25,297
Yo!
Wha kinda steak dja'get?
154
00:06:25,341 --> 00:06:26,864
Wiz wit plus peetzer?
155
00:06:26,908 --> 00:06:29,127
Mm.
Ye lookit dem jawns.
156
00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:33,044
ROGER: Mm, the food,
the language, just gorgeous.
157
00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:36,047
I can't believe people
wonder why I do this.
158
00:06:36,091 --> 00:06:40,443
♪ Bada BA♪
159
00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:42,837
♪ Bada BA...♪
160
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,665
Thanks for meeting me.
161
00:06:44,708 --> 00:06:47,842
The janitor told me this spot
had the most romantic view
162
00:06:47,885 --> 00:06:50,061
of the Holiday Inn
across the street.
163
00:06:50,105 --> 00:06:53,935
Got milk? Heh.
Why, yes, I have.
164
00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:57,765
So, I've been watching you,
not in a creepy way,
165
00:06:57,808 --> 00:07:02,465
and I know I don't "know" you,
but I feel like I do,
166
00:07:02,509 --> 00:07:05,599
and I hope you won't mind
me saying so, but...
167
00:07:05,642 --> 00:07:07,035
I love you.
168
00:07:07,078 --> 00:07:10,212
Oh, my God, Steve.
Of course you do.
169
00:07:10,255 --> 00:07:13,258
And you do know me.
And you do love me.
170
00:07:13,302 --> 00:07:14,869
Because...
171
00:07:14,912 --> 00:07:16,697
I'm Reese Witherspoon.
172
00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:18,002
What?
173
00:07:18,046 --> 00:07:19,656
This is so great!
174
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:21,310
- It is?
- Yes!
175
00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:23,704
I had to go undercover
as a high-school student
176
00:07:23,747 --> 00:07:26,794
to prove to the studio I could
still play a 17-year-old.
177
00:07:26,837 --> 00:07:28,839
They said if a boy
asks me on a date
178
00:07:28,883 --> 00:07:32,016
and says he's in love with me,
they would make the movie!
179
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:34,192
So thank you, Steve.
180
00:07:34,236 --> 00:07:37,282
You single-handedly greenlit
ELECTION 2: Omaha Drift.
181
00:07:37,326 --> 00:07:39,284
Wait.
Do you even like milk?
182
00:07:39,328 --> 00:07:40,895
I hate milk.
183
00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:42,679
I'm just
a really good actress.
184
00:07:44,812 --> 00:07:46,074
Oh, my God!
185
00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:52,080
REESE:
I also do my own stuuunts!
186
00:07:52,863 --> 00:07:54,778
How did I meet babe?
187
00:07:54,822 --> 00:07:57,738
Well, actually
it's a great story.
188
00:07:59,130 --> 00:08:00,958
How did we meet, babe?
189
00:08:01,002 --> 00:08:03,526
You don't remember
how we met?!
190
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,397
Okay.
Here's how we met.
191
00:08:07,835 --> 00:08:09,924
Did we meet
at a Braves Game?
192
00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:13,362
Who are these people?
193
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:16,539
[horn honks]
194
00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:19,629
And then Reese Witherspoon
just jumped off the roof.
195
00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:22,110
This is crazy!
196
00:08:22,153 --> 00:08:24,068
Have you seen these?!
197
00:08:24,112 --> 00:08:25,766
What even are these?
198
00:08:25,809 --> 00:08:28,290
You grab one,
you get like 30.
199
00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:31,075
Philadelphia
is full of wonders.
200
00:08:32,207 --> 00:08:33,556
[cellphone buzzing]
201
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,863
Oh, my God. My parents
keep calling me.
202
00:08:35,906 --> 00:08:37,255
What am I gonna
tell them?
203
00:08:37,299 --> 00:08:39,170
I went to Philly
and didn't fall in love?
204
00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:43,566
I think that girl in the fur
coat threw something at you.
205
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,742
[giggling]
206
00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:48,789
Hey! You!
What are you throwing?!
207
00:08:48,832 --> 00:08:51,052
- Eggs.
- There's eggs?!
208
00:08:51,095 --> 00:08:54,359
Okay.
This I gotta see.
209
00:08:54,403 --> 00:08:56,536
Sorry.
I was just, like,
210
00:08:56,579 --> 00:08:58,407
trying to hit you in the face
with all those eggs.
211
00:08:58,450 --> 00:08:59,974
That's not an apology.
212
00:09:00,017 --> 00:09:01,279
PRINCIPAL LEWIS:
Everyone shut up!
213
00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:04,239
Marty is missing!
So is the bus.
214
00:09:04,282 --> 00:09:06,633
Here is a napkin with some
places I think we were at.
215
00:09:06,676 --> 00:09:09,374
Pass it around, take a photo,
commit it to memory,
216
00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:11,202
w-whatever you have to do.
217
00:09:11,246 --> 00:09:14,423
Here's the plan-- buddy system.
That's all I got.
218
00:09:14,466 --> 00:09:16,033
Whoever you are
standing next to
219
00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:17,208
is your partner
for the rest of the trip.
220
00:09:19,036 --> 00:09:22,083
Do not separate.
Do not lose each other.
221
00:09:22,126 --> 00:09:24,520
I'm still rolling my face off.
222
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,130
It goes without saying
that everything
223
00:09:26,174 --> 00:09:27,915
we were supposed to do
is cancelled.
224
00:09:27,958 --> 00:09:30,091
I don't want to hear that you
guys were at the Liberty Bell
225
00:09:30,134 --> 00:09:32,310
or Betsy Ross' house
or some shit.
226
00:09:32,354 --> 00:09:35,444
You have one objective--
find my friend!
227
00:09:35,487 --> 00:09:37,620
Whoever finds Marty gets an "A,"
228
00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:40,318
and whoever doesn't find him
gets an "F"!
229
00:09:40,362 --> 00:09:42,669
Move, move, move, move, move!
230
00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,672
[brakes squeal]
231
00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:47,848
I don't even know
where Reese Witherspoon
232
00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:49,501
was hiding the parachute.
233
00:09:49,545 --> 00:09:52,635
So you're, like,
dramatic, huh?
234
00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:55,333
- That's your thing?
- That's your takeaway?
235
00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:57,161
Don't you think
my story's insane?!
236
00:09:57,205 --> 00:09:58,989
I once saw Gwyneth Paltrow
sunbathing naked
237
00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,861
on top of a moving car.
238
00:10:00,904 --> 00:10:02,732
Actresses are cool.
239
00:10:02,776 --> 00:10:04,168
Can I tell you
what your problem is?
240
00:10:04,212 --> 00:10:05,822
That'd be perfect.
Why don't you?
241
00:10:05,866 --> 00:10:08,303
You have high expectations
and you think things matter.
242
00:10:08,346 --> 00:10:10,174
But nothing matters.
243
00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:12,960
"Nothing matters."
Will you listen to yourself?
244
00:10:13,003 --> 00:10:16,137
If we don't find Lewis' friend,
we'll get F's in the class.
245
00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:17,878
That doesn't matter
to you?
246
00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:19,444
Now you're getting it.
247
00:10:19,488 --> 00:10:22,143
- [squishing]
- Oh, no! Gum!
248
00:10:22,186 --> 00:10:25,146
There's gum on me!
Who would do this?!
249
00:10:25,189 --> 00:10:29,237
This is what I mean
when I say you're dramatic.
250
00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:30,847
I really thought
I was in love,
251
00:10:30,891 --> 00:10:33,154
but she was never even
an option.
252
00:10:33,197 --> 00:10:35,983
Are you right?
Is love not real?
253
00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:39,073
It's good you found out now.
Some people never learn.
254
00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:41,031
Oh, man.
255
00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:42,990
How are we gonna
find Marty?
256
00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:45,732
I'm a heartbroken child
in a strange land!
257
00:10:45,775 --> 00:10:47,951
Calm down,
Dame Judi Dench.
258
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:50,737
My family moved to Langley
last year, but I'm from Philly.
259
00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:54,566
This is my town.
Hand me that napkin.
260
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:57,439
Oh, cool. My dad's favorite
strip club is on here.
261
00:10:57,482 --> 00:10:59,180
[indistinct conversations]
262
00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:03,227
- Hi. Hello.
- Yao. What can I get you?
263
00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:05,665
Um, I'm hoping
you could help me.
264
00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:07,710
Ye, ye, aright.
Wit or wit-out?
265
00:11:07,754 --> 00:11:11,061
I, uh-- I'm sorry.
I don't speak the language.
266
00:11:11,105 --> 00:11:15,718
I'm looking for a large
drunk gentleman!
267
00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:18,199
Okay. Ye need to get yaself
sorted and stop yellin' at me.
268
00:11:18,242 --> 00:11:20,592
I'm so sorry.
It's just that...
269
00:11:20,636 --> 00:11:24,988
I don't have a chaperone
or a partner or a bus.
270
00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:27,730
[sniffles]
And I don't know anything!
271
00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:30,298
And I'm all alone!
[sobbing]
272
00:11:30,341 --> 00:11:32,692
Oh, oh. Don't cry, dude.
I'll help ya.
273
00:11:32,735 --> 00:11:34,955
Lou! I'm taking the rest
of the day off!
274
00:11:34,998 --> 00:11:38,436
Anne Marie, I swear to Christ if
you do this again you're fired!
275
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,699
What did you say ta me?
276
00:11:39,742 --> 00:11:40,917
[grunting]
277
00:11:40,961 --> 00:11:42,440
♪ Ahh♪
278
00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:44,312
[grunting]
279
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:47,054
♪ Now I don't hardly know her♪
280
00:11:47,097 --> 00:11:50,971
[Lou grunting and screaming]
281
00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:54,583
♪ But I think I could love her♪
282
00:11:54,626 --> 00:11:56,541
[needle buzzing]
283
00:11:56,585 --> 00:11:59,849
He's used the same needle
for the last five people.
284
00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:02,069
It's fine.
We're sisters.
285
00:12:02,112 --> 00:12:03,766
So, the guy
you're lookin' for
286
00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:05,942
got his belly button pierced
around 2:00 a.m.
287
00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:07,944
And then he drank a bunch of ink
and ran out.
288
00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:09,380
Cool.
289
00:12:09,424 --> 00:12:10,947
[needle buzzing]
290
00:12:10,991 --> 00:12:13,080
Does your chest tattoo say
"[Bleep] Dallas"?
291
00:12:13,123 --> 00:12:15,909
Yeah. Cowboys
can suck my [bleep]
292
00:12:16,692 --> 00:12:18,389
[clang]
293
00:12:18,433 --> 00:12:19,956
So, when are we gonna
294
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,219
start looking for
my principal's friend?
295
00:12:22,263 --> 00:12:24,091
Yo, snot, whaddaya think
happens when you die?
296
00:12:24,134 --> 00:12:26,658
- I don't know.
- Well, I do.
297
00:12:26,702 --> 00:12:28,660
My uncle Jimmy fell off
the 700 level
298
00:12:28,704 --> 00:12:30,880
at the old Veterans Stadium
trying to reach a foul ball.
299
00:12:30,924 --> 00:12:32,534
He was legally dead
for four minutes.
300
00:12:32,577 --> 00:12:33,796
[clang]
301
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,102
You know he got
that ball, though.
302
00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:37,669
Anyways, he says
what happens when you die
303
00:12:37,713 --> 00:12:39,628
is you sit in a room
waiting for God
304
00:12:39,671 --> 00:12:42,196
to tell you if you were
a big enough Phillies fan.
305
00:12:42,239 --> 00:12:45,460
Ohh.
I didn't know that.
306
00:12:45,503 --> 00:12:47,244
I feel like I could tell you
anything, Snotter.
307
00:12:47,288 --> 00:12:49,116
I'm really glad
you're my boyfriend.
308
00:12:49,159 --> 00:12:51,248
- I am?!
- Uh, you bet your tits you are.
309
00:12:51,292 --> 00:12:53,076
[gasps]
310
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,558
[siren wailing]
311
00:12:56,601 --> 00:12:58,473
We've been almost everywhere
on the list
312
00:12:58,516 --> 00:13:00,127
and have no useful information.
313
00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:01,563
Here's what we do know--
314
00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:03,304
you're obsessed
with the little napkin.
315
00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:05,219
I am not obsessed
with the napkin.
316
00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:08,831
You're in a strip club, and you
haven't taken your eyes off it.
317
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:11,616
These women are off-duty.
They deserve their privacy.
318
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:12,835
So, they were here
around midnight,
319
00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:14,315
but got kicked out
pretty fast.
320
00:13:14,358 --> 00:13:15,925
I guess they kept trying
to pay for drinks
321
00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:17,840
with a fake credit card?
322
00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:21,191
It wasn't even a credit card.
It was a sticker of a cat.
323
00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:23,411
They wanted
to donate plasma?
324
00:13:23,454 --> 00:13:25,805
No, they came in
looking to get plasma.
325
00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:28,372
They were very clear about
not wanting to donate any.
326
00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:30,461
They did, however,
want to donate sperm.
327
00:13:30,505 --> 00:13:32,550
Not something we do here,
but before I could answer,
328
00:13:32,594 --> 00:13:35,075
one of them had relations
with our mail chute.
329
00:13:36,772 --> 00:13:39,688
This is so stupid!
We're never gonna find this guy!
330
00:13:39,731 --> 00:13:41,646
Aah!
331
00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:45,259
Aah! Unh! I give up.
332
00:13:45,302 --> 00:13:48,001
I know a great place
to eat close by.
333
00:13:48,044 --> 00:13:51,352
It's not on the napkin, though,
so you probably don't wanna go.
334
00:13:51,395 --> 00:13:54,355
Screw the napkin.
Nothing matters.
335
00:13:54,398 --> 00:13:56,400
Hey, can you give me a ride
to New York City?
336
00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:58,011
Or Washington, D.C.?
337
00:13:58,054 --> 00:14:00,709
Or maybe we could go skiing
in the Poconos!
338
00:14:00,752 --> 00:14:04,582
Philadelphia-- three hours away
from a lot of great stuff.
339
00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:05,888
[ding!]
340
00:14:07,063 --> 00:14:08,673
This place is the best.
341
00:14:08,717 --> 00:14:10,501
I used to come here
all the time with my friend.
342
00:14:10,545 --> 00:14:12,895
It's probably the spiciest
restaurant in Philly.
343
00:14:12,939 --> 00:14:14,331
Can you handle it?
344
00:14:14,375 --> 00:14:16,333
I'm a new man.
Bring it on.
345
00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:19,032
Speaking of spicy,
check them out.
346
00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:20,990
[both moaning]
347
00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:22,252
Oh, my God.
348
00:14:22,296 --> 00:14:23,906
[moaning stops]
349
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:27,214
Whoa. Hey, Ali.
What are you doing in town, bud?
350
00:14:27,257 --> 00:14:29,869
Umm... we...uh...
351
00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:31,261
We're on a field trip.
352
00:14:31,305 --> 00:14:33,437
Oh, man.
That sounds lame.
353
00:14:33,481 --> 00:14:35,787
What up? I'm Darix,
and this is Royce.
354
00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:37,615
I'm his girlfriend!
355
00:14:37,659 --> 00:14:39,791
We just said "I love you"
for the first time!
356
00:14:39,835 --> 00:14:41,271
[both moaning]
357
00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:44,927
See, Ali? Love is real.
[slurping]
358
00:14:44,971 --> 00:14:47,756
We're celebrating at
our fave spicy restaurant.
359
00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:49,932
We love spicy stuff.
360
00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:52,239
Well, have a good...
field trip.
361
00:14:53,718 --> 00:14:56,286
They seem fun.
How do you know Darix?
362
00:14:56,330 --> 00:14:59,072
He's... my ex-boyfriend.
363
00:14:59,115 --> 00:15:01,378
Well, not "boyfriend"
because he--
364
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:05,774
We don't believe
in labels. Or love.
365
00:15:05,817 --> 00:15:07,080
Do you want to leave?
366
00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:08,820
We can't just leave.
367
00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:12,259
It will look like I'm upset.
And I'm not. [chuckles]
368
00:15:12,302 --> 00:15:14,957
[voice breaking] I'm actually
really happy for him.
369
00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:17,394
♪
370
00:15:17,438 --> 00:15:19,396
Steve, don't!
That's a Carolina Reaper!
371
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,963
[crunch, flames rush]
372
00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:23,923
STEVE: AAAAAAHHH!
373
00:15:23,966 --> 00:15:26,403
[vomits]
Ow! Ow!
374
00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:28,492
I'll have
what he's heaving.
375
00:15:30,668 --> 00:15:33,497
Hey. I know you ate
that pepper for me.
376
00:15:33,541 --> 00:15:35,717
You think
I liquefied my insides
377
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,501
just to get you
out of that restaurant?
378
00:15:37,545 --> 00:15:38,894
No way.
379
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,461
That hospital
was on the napkin,
380
00:15:40,504 --> 00:15:42,463
and I'm obsessed
with the napkin, so...
381
00:15:42,506 --> 00:15:44,204
I'm sorry you had to
throw up and have diarrhea
382
00:15:44,247 --> 00:15:45,945
all over the place.
383
00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:48,686
I prefer to think of it as
throwing up and throwing down.
384
00:15:48,730 --> 00:15:51,733
[laughs] Take my coat.
You must be freezing.
385
00:15:51,776 --> 00:15:54,301
No way. I love this dress.
It's nice on me.
386
00:15:54,344 --> 00:15:57,130
Don't be an idiot.
Take it.
387
00:15:59,349 --> 00:16:02,744
♪
388
00:16:02,787 --> 00:16:05,965
♪ Crimson and clover♪
389
00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:09,490
♪
390
00:16:09,533 --> 00:16:12,493
♪ Over and over♪
391
00:16:12,536 --> 00:16:14,016
♪
392
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:17,672
My queen, why are we
hot-wiring a cop car?
393
00:16:17,715 --> 00:16:19,500
Because we ain't got the keys,
ya dope!
394
00:16:19,543 --> 00:16:21,806
[engine starts, siren wails]
395
00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:23,852
[tires screech]
396
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,682
I saw this raisin in 2007
in the lobby
397
00:16:27,725 --> 00:16:29,901
of the Ambassador Hotel
in Chicago.
398
00:16:29,945 --> 00:16:31,816
It was just sitting there
on the floor.
399
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:35,907
And I thought it was a bug.
But, no, it was a raisin!
400
00:16:35,951 --> 00:16:38,040
And now it's my raisin.
401
00:16:40,912 --> 00:16:42,697
Guys, I'm sorry
I didn't call back sooner.
402
00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:44,873
It's been a really wild
24 hours.
403
00:16:44,916 --> 00:16:48,007
Why are we still talking
to you?! Put Milk Girl on!
404
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:50,792
Actually I have some bad news
about Milk Girl.
405
00:16:50,835 --> 00:16:52,054
You're scaring us, Steve!
406
00:16:52,098 --> 00:16:54,274
She's gone.
She was--
407
00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:56,145
What the hell
do you mean "gone"?!
408
00:16:56,189 --> 00:16:58,017
How could you let this
happen, Steven?!
409
00:16:58,060 --> 00:16:58,843
- She was--
- We were gonna
410
00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:00,802
invite her to Christmas!
411
00:17:00,845 --> 00:17:02,804
We made a jacket for her
that says
412
00:17:02,847 --> 00:17:05,763
"Milk Girl
is in Our Family Now"!
413
00:17:05,807 --> 00:17:08,288
Sorry? I-I didn't ask you
to do that.
414
00:17:08,331 --> 00:17:12,727
Dad drained our pool
and filled it with milk!
415
00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:16,209
What are we supposed to do with
a pool full of milk, Steve?!
416
00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:18,820
- [Stan sobbing]
- Umm, guys, I got really high
417
00:17:18,863 --> 00:17:22,302
and I accidentally ordered
a truck full of cereal,
418
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:25,305
and it just got here,
and I don't know what to do.
419
00:17:25,348 --> 00:17:29,048
I tried to eat it,
but it's just so dry!
420
00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:33,313
Steve, it looks like everything
just might work out after all!
421
00:17:33,356 --> 00:17:34,575
Get the giant spoon,
honey!
422
00:17:34,618 --> 00:17:36,490
I'm workin' on it.
423
00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:38,187
[knock on door]
424
00:17:39,841 --> 00:17:41,843
- I couldn't sleep.
- I couldn't either.
425
00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:44,063
I just can't stop thinking
about that kiss.
426
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:46,630
Me neither!
It was absolutely--
427
00:17:46,674 --> 00:17:48,458
A mistake, right?
I mean, that's not us.
428
00:17:48,502 --> 00:17:50,634
That's not who we are. It
obviously didn't mean anything.
429
00:17:50,678 --> 00:17:52,549
So I think we should
just forget it.
430
00:17:52,593 --> 00:17:54,899
Plus, it was unprofessional.
You agree.
431
00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:58,294
- [pounding]
- Everyone wake up!
432
00:17:58,338 --> 00:18:01,123
Where is Marty?!
What the hell, guys?!
433
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:04,126
If you don't find him by
9:00 a.m., you're all expelled!
434
00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:06,128
And I'll also kill you.
435
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:07,738
I'll start killing one of you
436
00:18:07,782 --> 00:18:10,263
every five minutes
until he is found.
437
00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:14,658
Starting... now.
438
00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:17,661
I was just sneakin'
to my cousin's room!
439
00:18:17,705 --> 00:18:19,881
♪
440
00:18:19,924 --> 00:18:22,013
- [siren wailing]
- I freakin' love you!
441
00:18:22,057 --> 00:18:24,668
I freakin'
love you, too!
442
00:18:24,712 --> 00:18:28,237
♪
443
00:18:28,281 --> 00:18:29,673
I guess you've never heard
of Tasty Cakes,
444
00:18:29,717 --> 00:18:31,762
or you would have thought
that was really funny.
445
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:35,723
Steve, it seems like you're
trying to be really quiet.
446
00:18:35,766 --> 00:18:37,246
[shakily] I'm not trying.
I'm just...
447
00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:43,122
ROGER:♪ Bada BA♪
448
00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:45,124
- [Steve wailing]
-♪ Bada BA♪
449
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,951
Oh, look. Steve's
running and crying.
450
00:18:46,995 --> 00:18:49,215
♪ BaNaNa NaNaNa♪
451
00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:51,260
♪ BaNaNa Na-Na Na-Na♪
452
00:18:51,304 --> 00:18:53,044
♪ Ba-Baaaaa!♪
453
00:18:53,088 --> 00:18:54,220
[tires screech]
454
00:18:55,482 --> 00:18:57,353
Steve! Oh, my God!
455
00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:58,876
I'm in love!
456
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,139
That's great, man.
457
00:19:00,182 --> 00:19:02,967
Don't worry, buddy.
We're calling for backup!
458
00:19:03,011 --> 00:19:06,188
Dispatch, we got a kid
smooshed between two vehicles.
459
00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:08,321
He looks more jacked up
than the Phillie Phanatic tattoo
460
00:19:08,364 --> 00:19:10,192
my cousin Donovan gave me
under the bleachers
461
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:11,802
at the Mummers Parade. Over.
462
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:14,457
- Steve! Are you okay?!
- Not really.
463
00:19:14,501 --> 00:19:17,286
I knew it! You were being
really quiet before.
464
00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:20,115
Well, now I'm hurt more
than before, like, physically,
465
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:23,031
but I was hurt
emotionally first.
466
00:19:23,074 --> 00:19:25,860
When someone tells me
a kiss we had was a mistake,
467
00:19:25,903 --> 00:19:28,210
it-- it bums me out.
468
00:19:28,254 --> 00:19:30,778
You're one of the kids
I met a couple days ago!
469
00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:33,172
And I know what you're thinking,
but I'm not being dramatic,
470
00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:34,999
I'm just being real.
471
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:36,479
You say you don't have
any feelings at all
472
00:19:36,523 --> 00:19:39,134
and that nothing matters,
but it's an act!
473
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,919
You're the Dame Judi Dench,
not me.
474
00:19:41,963 --> 00:19:44,792
I like you. I know that's not
a cool thing to say,
475
00:19:44,835 --> 00:19:46,446
but I'm not a cool guy.
476
00:19:46,489 --> 00:19:48,839
And if you don't like me back,
I can take it.
477
00:19:48,883 --> 00:19:50,885
But you have to tell me
how you feel.
478
00:19:50,928 --> 00:19:52,103
[doors close]
479
00:19:52,147 --> 00:19:53,975
Steve, let's talk
about this later.
480
00:19:54,018 --> 00:19:56,282
No! Nobody touch me!
481
00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:57,500
I'm not going
to the hospital
482
00:19:57,544 --> 00:20:00,503
until you tell me
how you feel about me.
483
00:20:00,547 --> 00:20:01,765
Fine. I like you.
484
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:05,900
Marty! He's back!
Ha ha ha!
485
00:20:05,943 --> 00:20:08,119
You thought he was dead!
486
00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:10,948
Crying in your room
all night. Ha ha!
487
00:20:10,992 --> 00:20:13,734
I think everyone learned
a valuable lesson--
488
00:20:13,777 --> 00:20:17,041
Marty always
comes through!
489
00:20:17,085 --> 00:20:19,783
When we first met,
we hated each other.
490
00:20:19,827 --> 00:20:21,742
I didn't hate you.
I just thought you were a dork.
491
00:20:21,785 --> 00:20:23,918
And then Milk Girl
was Reese Witherspoon,
492
00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:25,180
and we became friends.
493
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,703
And we're still
just friends.
494
00:20:26,747 --> 00:20:28,662
I know you like me.
You said it.
495
00:20:28,705 --> 00:20:30,446
- I'm not sure I ever said that.
- She said it.
496
00:20:30,490 --> 00:20:32,318
You were smooshed
between a bus and a car.
497
00:20:32,361 --> 00:20:33,754
I was, I was.
498
00:20:33,797 --> 00:20:35,756
You were refusing
medical attention.
499
00:20:35,799 --> 00:20:37,758
Yes, yes, that too.
500
00:20:37,801 --> 00:20:41,196
Anyway, she's a tenth grader,
and I'm still in ninth grade,
501
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,851
so I'm not allowed to make
eye contact with her in school,
502
00:20:43,894 --> 00:20:47,550
but in a couple of years,
we'll both be upperclassmen,
503
00:20:47,594 --> 00:20:50,292
so we'll see
how it plays out.
504
00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:52,120
Yeah.
I guess we'll see.
505
00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:53,687
♪ Ahh♪
506
00:20:53,730 --> 00:20:56,516
♪
507
00:20:56,559 --> 00:20:58,082
Bye-bye! See you soon!
508
00:20:58,132 --> 00:21:02,682
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