All language subtitles for Scream Queens (2015) S02E01 Scream Again

*

(button buzzing)

* One night in Bangkok
makes a hard man humble... *

I have been buzzing you with the
call button for half an hour!

Something's wrong
with my husband.

Um, I'm sorry,
but it's Halloween.

We all kind of like
letting loose on Halloween.

I think he's dying!

(music playing in distance)

(woman laughing)

Have you seen Dr. Mike?
Someone is having an emergency

that just can't wait
till the party is over.

My husband has C.O.P.D.
He can't breathe.

Are you sure
he's not just dressed up

as a dude with C.O.P.D.?
Uh, pretty sure Dr. Mike

is in the back rack looking
for quaaludes. (chuckles)

NURSE:
Dr. Mike?

Hello, ladies.

My husband needs a doctor!

(chuckles):
But it's Halloween.

That's what I told her.
Please,

I'm begging you.

All right.

If I have to save
a life tonight, so be it.

It is what I do.

DR. MIKE:
Deep breath.

Yeah, again.

(crunching)
Uh-huh. Again.

Okay.
(clears throat)

His lungs need to be drained.

I say we wait until morning.

Give him the procedure now!

Or I swear,
I'll make sure

all of you lose
your medical licenses.

I will shut this hospital down.

Okay, you know what?
Um... you're absolutely right.

It's like we forgot
our Hippocratic oath. Okay.

Bill, uh, I am going to
give you a sedative,

and then I am personally
going to take you to the O.R.

Okay? Where I will be
performing your procedure, okay?

Everything will be fine.

Baby, I love you
so much.

You're my life,
you're my everything.

How's our son doing?

Good. Good.

(sniffles)
Excited for you to come home.

WOMAN (over intercom):
Nurse Lancer, please bring

Hawaiian Punch
to the Halloween party.

DR. MIKE: Okay. Ma'am,
gonna have to ask you

to go wait
in the waiting room.

Okay.

Thank you so
much, Doctor.

Okay, Bill.

Sleepy time.

I owe you.

It's what I do.

(sighs) I cannot believe we're
missing the party for this.

Screw that.

This hospital was
originally built

as a tuberculosis clinic,
but the patients

who were checking in just kept
getting sicker and sicker

until they realized it was
because they built it

up against this
rancid swamp.

So they closed it down for a
decade until they reopened it,

and now we are the fourth
best performing hospital

out of four in the area,
which is great for us

because it keeps
expectations super low.

I never liked this swamp.

I grew up around here and...
(pants)

the kids used to always talk

about a... a monster
that lived back here.

The Green Meanie.

Swamp itself
is the monster.

You know if you leave
a body out here,

between the bugs
and the bacteria,

it will disappear
in a matter of days?

We're just gonna leave him here?

I made up all that crap
about doing the procedure.

He'll be dead within the hour,
and then we'll get the blame.

So we will dump
his body out here,

fake the paperwork,
say we did the procedure,

that he checked himself out, and
then rock out to Sheena Easton

(grunts) all night long.

(chuckles)

What about his wife?

It's her word
against ours.

(grunts)

NURSE:
Now, wait.

What if someone saw us?

Your costume is
pretty specific.

Shall we?

Mm.

(laughs)

Whoo! Oh, yeah!

(music, excited chatter
in distance)

*

*

(elevator bell dings)

* Young guns,
having some fun *

* Crazy ladies
keep them on the run *

* Wise guys realize

* There's danger
in emotional ties *

* See me

* Single and free, no fears

* No tears, what I want to be

* One, two

* Take a look at you

* Death by matrimony.

Catherine Hobart?

Hi.

I'm Dr. Brock Holt.
I went to Harvard.

And I'm Dr. Cassidy Cascade.
Nice to meet you.

Right this way.
Right this way.

I say "Right this way."
Okay.

Okay, Catherine Hobart
of Laconia, New Hampshire.

You've been diagnosed previously
with a severe case of

hypertrichosis,
aka Werewolf Syndrome.

I was once arrested by
a dogcatcher.

Hey. Here's one thing
that is contraindicated

to any treatment we prescribe:
self-pity.

Your hair is so soft.

What conditioner do you use?

It's Kiehl's.
I know it's expensive, but

so worth it.
So worth it.

You and I are gonna
get along just fine.

CASSIDY: Your condition
is being caused by

an inverse mutation
on chromosome 17.

I know.
I've seen hundreds of doctors.

And I'd almost given up
hope, before Dr. Munsch

found me in that
creepy disease chat room

and told me if I came here,
she could cure me.

And I keep my word. Hi.

I'm Dr. Cathy Munsch.
And welcome to my hospital.

You know you're not
really a doctor.

(chuckles)
Well, I'm sorry.

But when I gave
the commencement address

at the University of Pittsburgh
last year,

they gave me
the actual honorary doctorate

they stripped from Bill Cosby.

Anyway, Ms. Hobart,
you have the great honor

of being our first patient here
at the C.U.R.E. Institute.

Our motto is:
"Where the incurable are cured."

I wouldn't get her hopes up.

(whispers):
She's incurable.

MUNSCH: (scoffs) You want
to talk about impossible?

You want to talk about
the world saying no,

and you beating it like a dog
until you make it

sit, stay and beg to say yes?

Well, then you have to be
talking about one

Dr. Dean Cathy Munsch

and her journey to opening
this palace of healing.

MUNSCH: By now, you're
probably asking yourself,

"Wait a second,
isn't this the Cathy Munsch,

"the iconoclastic
bestselling author

"whose very name has become
synonymous with

"New New Feminism?

How did she get here?"

Well, I'll tell you.

When Pope Francis asked me,
"Cathy, what's next?"

honestly, I found myself
at a loss for words.

Why?

Because I'd done it all.

And I knew in that instant
that I needed a new cause:

reforming America's
health care system.

Ask medical student
what do they want to become.

They'll say plastic surgeons,
dermatologists.

They want to perform Lasik.

They want to make money.

And that requires
repeat customers.

The perverse incentives baked
into our health care system

keep people sick.

Let me introduce you
to the C.U.R.E.

Caregivers United
in Restorative Etiology.

It is entirely funded by my own
personal publishing fortune.

And I am hiring
only the best doctors,

who are going to find cures

for diseases
21st century medicine

has deemed... incurable.

I'd love to answer any questions
you might have.

We have a few minutes.
WOMAN: Dr. Munsch.

What about the Chanels?

Do you have any comment
on what became of them?

MUNSCH: The Chanels.

For two whole years,
I barely thought of them.

But then a Netflix documentary
series turned them into

a national obsession.

(gavel bangs)

Please state your name
for the record.

I am Special Agent
Denise Hemphill.

And I take it
you're currently

an agent with the FBI.

Correction.

Special agent. Huh?

(chuckles)

At the time of
the Wallace murders,

I was an employee
of the security firm

Secure Enforcement Solutions,

along with my dear friend
Shondell,

who was later stabbed in
the face and pushed out a car.

Can I ask what you have
to contribute to

my clients' appeal?

The killer confessed.

And I got it right here!

On videotape.

(gallery murmurs)

Yes. I orchestrated
the whole thing.

But you can't lay a hand on me.

It's called double jeopardy.

You can't be tried
for the same crime twice.

But you haven't
been tried twice.

The Chanels were tried
the first time.

But someone was convicted,
so it's double jeopardy.

Uh, no.

Again, you haven't
been tried yet at all.

It's double jeopardy!

It's single jeopardy!

(banging on door, gasps)

MUNSCH: And the Chanels
haven't been seen since.

Those Kappa sisters were
nothing but a distant memory.

Except for one.

One that I felt
deserved an opportunity

to make something of her life.
(sighs)

(sirens wailing in distance,
dog barking)

Oh, no.

I've got nothing to say to you.

Are you smoking a joint?

No.

Yes.

Can I buy you a drink?

(sighs)

ZAYDAY:
I just want to distance myself

from everything
that happened.

I hunkered down
and powered through undergrad

in just a year and a half.

After seeing all that death,
I felt the need to do something

to prevent other
people from dying.
Mm.

So now I'm in
my first year of med school.

Working three jobs
to pay for it.

I want to pay for it.
Excuse me?

You heard me.

Look, I like
you, Zayday.

I think you have
tremendous potential.

Now, I don't know
if you're aware,

but I've opened
a teaching hospital.

And I would like you
to come work for me.

It will count toward your
residency, of course.

Why would you want to go through
all this trouble to help me?

I don't get it.

Let's just say

that I have a very personal,
deep-seated reason

for wanting to see
this hospital succeed.

And whether or not
you choose to believe it,

I see you as being
an integral part of its success.

What do you say?

(sighs)

I mean...

(chuckles):
yes!

Yes, I'm in.

Yes, you are.

Congratulations.

Cheers.

Welcome to King Brock's kingdom,
where King Brock is king.

Sometimes I like to wheel in
rando patients,

not knowing
their medical condition

and just start cutting.

Discovering as I go.

Sometimes, I just
stare at my hands and cry.

Hmm. Hi.

You must be Dr. Cascade.
I'm Zayday Williams.

I just want to let you know
straight out,

I'm not interested
in having a girlfriend.

And I know that's tough to hear.

I'm basically female Viagra.

I'm here for my MD,

not my MRS.

So, Dr. Holt, since you're
such a brilliant surgeon,

tell me what you're doing here.

I was up at the Mayo Clinic
when I got poached.

Dean Munsch saw my layout
in Playgirl--

"Ten Hottest Doctors,"

and she offered me
a gigantic signing bonus.

I became a doctor
after seeing

the terrible medical care
some of my family has gotten

over the years.

So, after I saw
her TED talk online,

I sought her out.

I liked her philosophy
and realized

that's the kind of medicine
I want to study, too.

Hmm.

Now, what happened
to your wrist?

Suicide attempt?

(chuckling):
No.

I'm the recipient of the world's

first complete hand transplant.

Are you serious?
That's not your real hand?

(loud bang)

Of course it's my real hand.

You buy a used car, is it yours

or the guy who used to own it?

I'm the genius, not the hand.

How'd you lose it?

Super Bowl accident.

You played in
the Super Bowl?

Sorry.

Super Bowl party accident.

MEN (chanting):
Beast mode, beast mode,
beast mode!

(whistle blows)
It was Super Bowl 49.

I was working in a hospital

up in Seattle.

The next tragic series
of events still haunts me.

First, the power goes out.

(all yelling)
Really?

Next, my idiot friend Matty
starts flipping light switches

to see if they're working.

Next, I started getting
stressed about the mess.

I had surgery in the morning
and I can't go to sleep

with a dirty house,

so I started doing the dishes.

The soap must have
lubed up my hands, because

my Harvard class ring fell off.

Did I tell you I went
to Harvard? Well, I did.

Harvard University.

Anyway, my ring fell
down the drain,

I-- I stuck my hand down
to retrieve it, not realizing

that Matty had turned on
the garbage disposal.

Then, the power came back on.

(disposal whirring)

(men whooping)
(screaming)

(screaming continues)

Oh, my God. That's horrible.

That wasn't the worst part.

You see,
once in every generation,

a surgical prodigy arises.

That prodigy is me.

At 23, I was the head surgeon

on the operation that separated
the Hemsworth brothers.

W-Wait. They're not even twins.

Well, that's what made
the procedure so difficult.

The point is, that for years,
I was the guy you called

when no one else
could do the job.

I was the best.

And, uh,

I got my hand and...

couldn't get a job.

I was like
"Shoeless" Joe Jackson,

being banned from baseball
in his prime.

"Handless" Joe Jackson.

For two years, I suffered

as I watched other
lesser surgeons do my job.

It broke my heart,

'cause I knew
I could still do it.

I mean, yes,

I would still see the patients.

And don't get me wrong,
I'm a genius

at solving medical problems--

you know,
connecting the dots, but...

(loud bang)
I'm a surgeon!

It's my identity.

And it's why I owe Dean Munsch

for finding me
and giving me a second chance.

That is admirable.

Well, what choice do I have?

This place is my last chance.

If it doesn't work out,

I've got nothing.

Hmm.

(gasps)

You're freezing.

Yeah, I, uh,

I run cold.

Oh, no, my grandmother
runs cold.

She has to wear a little
knit cap in the fall,

but you...

you feel like
a block of ice.

Well, I envy ice.

At least, if you give it warmth,
it melts.

WOMAN (over speaker):
Dr. Semedla,

please report to urology.

CATHERINE:
I'm basically a shut-in.

The only night I go out
is Halloween.

Just, I want a normal life.

Of course you do, sweetheart.

And-and you deserve that.

Yeah, but like
they say,

deserve has got nothing
to do with it.

We were right
the first time,

there's nothing
we could do.

No, that's not possible.

We just have to try harder.

No, it--
this is an issue

on a chromosomal level.
Right.

It'd be like asking us
to make your eyes blue.

Mm-hmm.
Or me warmer.

WOMAN (over speaker):
...14. Chamberlain Jackson

and his magic cart. Room 314.

CATHERINE: I knew it.
I should have never come here.

Let you get my hopes up.

Oh...
Sorry to interrupt,

but I thought
I heard a patient

who maybe needs a little bit
of cheering up.

Excuse me?

You can't just barge
into a room like this.

Well, actually,
that is my job.

The Craigslist ad said,
"uplifting male,

"20 to 30, needed for
unpaid nurse's aid position

to start immediately."

How you doing,
pretty little lady?

My name is Chamberlain Jackson,
and I'm your

friendly neighborhood
candy striper.

This right here is what
I call my magic cart.

Take two of these and call me
in the morning, Hairy Mary.

Boo-yeah!

(laughs)

I am leaving here

right now.

I've never been
so embarrassed

in all my life!
No, no, please.

Just give us one week.

Okay?
I promise you,

by next week,
we will have a cure.

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

There's no way I can eat that.
S... stick to me.

She's good.

Okay. We need to have
a discussion.

(groans)

Does it involve

the inane decision

to make our first case
an incurable

genetic disorder?

Why on Earth
did I insist

on making Werewolf Girl
our flagship case?

It'd be easier to cure Zika.

Does it not bother you that

this hospital staff is just me
and a whole bunch of dudes?

I thought you were this

icon of New Feminism,
or something.

Feminism... is just so boring.

What I'm saying,

is we could use some
more ladies around here.

Okay.
I get your point.

And I have an idea.

I know exactly
what I'm gonna do.

(alarm ringing)

(sighs)

(sighs)
Good morning, idiot hookers.

Good morning, Chanel.
Good morning, Chanel.

CHANEL:
You would've thought

that once we were exonerated

by an award-winning
Netflix documentary,

and let out of the asylum, that
the Chanels would be heroes.

You would be wrong.

We were pariahs.
We were innocent of the crime,

but guilty of being awful.

Our grade-A blue ribbon
realness got us ostracized.

(tires screeching to a halt)

Oh! (gasps)
You girls are the worst!

CHANEL: We had a serious
public image problem.

America hated us, our wealthy
families had disowned us,

but we kept our noses
to the grindstone

and went back
to finish college.

Chanel... #5?

CHANEL: We decided to be
communications majors, because

it's by far the easiest,
(mild applause)

but quickly learned that
a degree in communications

is practically worthless.

(light applause)
And then,

I realized something.
That maybe

the best way
to rehabilitate our image

was by doing something good
for a change.

* Don't drink,
don't smoke... *

I decided it was time for us
to start giving back.

#5 got a job as a receptionist
at a dentist's office.

Bryte Smile Children's Dental,
how may I direct your smile?
(phone ringing)

Hold on.
CHANEL: She said it was because
they provided

free services to the poor.

Can everyone just shut up?!

Do you not see that I am
on the phone?!
CHANEL: But I'm convinced

#5 did it to get free braces
for her vagina teeth.

Bryte Smile Children's Dental,
how may I direct your smile?

#3 got a job mopping up at the
local men's fertility clinic.

* Must be
something inside... *

She was in heaven.

It's okay. I'm scared of needles
too, but I promise you,

you won't feel a thing.
CHANEL: It turns out,

I love blood!
Love it!

It's 92% water, and contains
hemoglobin, which

transports oxygen throughout
our circulatory system.

Where did I learn this?

In a course I took to become

a certified phlebotomist,

that I passed
with flying colors.

(exhales)
* Must be something inside

* 'Cause I don't drink,
don't smoke. What do you do? *

CHANEL: It turns out...
There we go!

All done.
I'm really good
at poking people.

Still, we were
poor and exhausted.

May I have some more, please?
Get your own damn pie!

I've been mopping
wads all week.

Who would've guessed
it would come to this?

Two years ago,
I had just been elected

Kappa House president, and I was
dating the hottest guy on campus

who loved porking me

because I was
hot and rich.

We were on top
of the world.

Or at least I was.

You too were just sort of along
for the ride.

And then one serial killer goes
on one campus killing spree

and frames us for murder,
and the next thing you know,

we spend every night
eating fruit pies,

sitting on a stoop because

no one will give us
their HBO GO password.

(sighs)

*

(car door closes)
Oh, my God.

Dean Munsch?

Hello, Chanel. Chanels.

What do you even
want from us?

(scoffs)
Let's call it redemption.

Here's the pitch.

I want you to enroll
as medical students

and come work at my hospital.

Yes, we'd love to!

That's amazing!

Shut up, Number Five!

Okay, that offer

is insane!

Why would you do that?

It does appear
from your current employment

that you have some experience
in the medical field.

And I think you girls
still have a lot to learn.

And I want to help you learn it.

(clinking in distance)

(clank in distance)

Hello?!

(door opens)
(gasping)

No!

(screaming)

Oh, hey there, Z.
You seem surprised to see us.

I don't understand.
What are you doing here?

We work at the
hospital now!

That's not possible.
You're not medical students.

We are now. I mean, Dean Munsch
arranged the whole thing.

Didn't she do
the same thing for you?

No. I got into medical school
all by myself,

which took a year and a half
and was really hard.

I'm so glad you guys are here!

Oh...
This is gonna be so much fun.

I think I speak for all
three of us when I say

that becoming a doctor
was never the dream.

Come on. We're gonna be late.

Ew.

Why?

All right, ladies, pick a
locker. This is where you change

out of your regular
clothes and put on

your scrubs.
This is mine.

It's purple--
my favorite color.

No. Nuh-uh. I am not wearing
disposable clothing.

I mean, you cannot tell me,
as a registered voter

of these United States,
what I can and cannot wear.

* She's got the look
* She's got the look *

* She's got the look
* She's got
the look *

* What in the world can make
a brown-eyed girl turn blue *

* When everything
I'll ever do I'll do for you *

* And I go, la-la la-la, la,
she's got the look... *

Oh, my...
Give me those.

MUNSCH:
Oh, Dr. Brock.

This is my team
of med students.

(quietly):
Hi.

(sighs)

(Chanel sighs)

(sighs)

(door closes)

Um... let's go over

what's expected of you.

All right, Chanels, your job is

to follow the doctors around
and observe them.

You just stand there silently.

Something I like
to call "ghosting."

Point of order? I don't think
that's what "ghosting" is.

"Ghosting" is when you leave a
party without saying good-bye.

That's a French exit.
Okay, you guys
are all idiots.

"Ghosting" is when
you've been texting with a guy

for a long time, and you know,

things are going
really, really well,

and you think that he's
really into you, and then,

all of a sudden, one
day, he just stops

texting back because he finally
saw what you look like.

And so you just text him,
and you're like,

"Hey, sexy, where'd you go?"
And then

he just doesn't answer
because he ghosted.

Wait. Isn't "ghosting"
when you do a number two

and you look down at the paper,
and there's nothing there,

and so you stand up, and
you look in the toilet,

and there's nothing there
either, because the turd somehow

got shot down the hole
before you even flushed?

That's ghosting.
All right!
There are a lot of

uses for the term "ghosting."

The usage I am describing is

where you stand silently
and say nothing.

That's not ghosting.

ZAYDAY:
Well, Catherine,
we have good news.

I've done a whole bunch
of research, and I think

we may have found
the way to treat

and possibly cure
your disease.

Wait. Why are you doing
all the talking?

You're not even a doctor.

Why aren't they telling me
anything?

I find that oftentimes silence
is the only appropriate response

to the gaping expanse of
emptiness that stretches out

before each
and every one of us.

Sorry. I'm just
finishing up a text.

And... sent.

(phone whooshes)
What?

Who are they?
Oh, don't mind us.

We're ghosting.
Yeah, we're ghosting.

Isn't "ghosting"
when you leave a party early

without saying good-bye?

Yes, it is.
Okay, just one question,

and then I promise
I'll start ghosting.

How do you not,
like, freak out

every single time
you look in the mirror?

Oh, my God, thank you.
I had the exact same question.

You guys need to shut
your mouths right now!

In a second.
One last thing.

So sometimes when I'm
feeling a little bit bloaty,

and I really need to puke,

I try to, like, envision
a hairy shower drain.

And sometimes it
works, and I can barf.

But then, other times, the
image is just not gross enough.

So I was just wondering
if you could maybe

describe your
shower drain for me.

No! I'm...
Wait. I'm picturing
it right now.

(retching)

(gulps)

Mm-hmm. Thank you.
That'll work really well.

I am sorry about
their behavior.

They're new to the
hospital setting.

I want to outline
what I think could be

a very promising
experimental treatment.

Researchers in Berlin
have isolated what is called

a "brain-derived
neurotrophic factor"

that is prominently
involved in the control

of murine hair
follicle cycling.

This BDNF is active
in the basal forebrain.

That's at the front
of the brain,

right above the eye sockets.

Now, while such a procedure
has never been attempted before,

it is my belief that
if we drill a small hole

into the skull...

You want to give me a lobotomy?!

Now, Catherine, let's
not get our dander up.

Now, listen, I have
to be honest with you.

Now, in a case as severe as
yours, we have very few options.

Now, this procedure, you know,
somewhat, uh, invasive and all,

could provide
a little relief

from your symptoms.

I really do want it all gone.

We know that this
is a big decision,

and we don't want
to rush you,

but as this is
an experimental procedure,

if you do decide
to move forward,

we're gonna need you
to sign this

consent form.

Um...

Just sign it, Sasquatch!

(over P.A.): Chamberlain Jackson
and his magic cart, please...
(screams)

Oh, my God, ghosts.

They're not ghosts, idiot.
They're nurses.

Just try not to touch them,
Number Five.

We're doctors now
which means nurses

are basically our servants.

WOMAN:
Excuse me?

Ew. Who are you?

I'm Ingrid Marie Hoffel.

I'm an advanced practice
registered nurse

and the C.U.R.E. Institute's
head of administration.

Hold on, you're aware that your
name is I.M. Hoffel, right?

I run this hospital.

I'm in charge
of all executive hires.

I read your files.
You girls are not doctors.

I have no idea
why Munsch asked you here

but it must've been to kill you,

because you are utterly
unqualified

to practice medicine
in any shape or form.

You do not belong here.

We're actually late
for a personal meeting

with your boss, Dean Munsch,

so I will be sure to pass along
your concerns, Nurse Hoffel.

Listen, little girl,

just so we're clear,

I don't like you.

You mess with me,
and I will eat you for lunch.

Carry on.
(gasps)

(over P.A.): Nurse Hoffel,
a bedpan emergency

in 402.

Oh. Hello, Zayday.
Dean Munsch summoned us here

to speak with her in private.
MUNSCH:
Oh, no. Actually,

it was Zayday
who summoned you.

She was just filling
me in on your antics

down in the
examination room?

Ik haat je zo erg!
Ik kan je niet uitstaan!

disfigured woman,

and you couldn't even
help yourselves.

Instead of choosing
to help the poor woman,

you chose to humiliate her.

Okay, once again,

you have completely
misread a situation

and blown it way
out of proportion.

Dean Munsch, if you don't fix
this problem right now,

I am fully prepared
to tender my resignation.

Zayday, that won't
be necessary.

Chanels, you are now

on academic probation,

and confined to your dormitories
until further notice.

And in the meantime,
I expect 10,000 words

on bedside manner in
clinical practice by Thursday.

Hold on. We still get
our salaries, right?

(chuckles)
What?

Our doctor's salaries?

No!
What?!

(laughs)
You were never getting paid.

You're not doctors.

You are getting
free room and board,

and you are getting put
through medical school.

I don't know where
you got the idea

that you were also
getting a salary.

(Chanels screaming)

You know, this actually
isn't so bad at all.

Seriously, after one day
of work, I, like, definitely

needed a vacation to just, like,
unplug, you know?

You stupid dugongs!

Don't you get it?
It wasn't so long ago

that I was on the fast track to
becoming a network news anchor.

I had a dream, and that dream
was to be the next Diane Sawyer,

and now I realize
that's never gonna happen!

Sorry. What did you say?
I zoned out for a sec.

Wait a second.

Maybe we won't be
network news anchors.

But what's stopping us
from becoming special

medical correspondents
for Fox News?!

What are you talking about?

We'll become TV doctors.

We'll have our own
doctor TV shows,

like Dr. Drew
or Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz,

or... The Doctors.

Just imagine the amazing
TV show I could do.

I mean,
I could have segments like,

"How to Swallow a Tapeworm
with Dr. Chanel Oberlin."

And then, Number Three
and I can do a segment

where we come on the show with
exotic animals from the zoo!

Damn it, Number Five,
no network would ever hire you.

Your face is what
they in the business call

"a channel changer."

So what do we do?

Get back in Dean Munsch's

good graces and get
our medical degrees.

How do we do that?

By pulling an all-nighter
and figuring out a cure

for that Werewolf Girl
before Zayday does.

(crickets chirping)

Chanel.

What are you doing here?
You scared the crap out of me.

Well, I was pulling
an all-nighter with the Chanels

trying to find a cure
for Werewolf Girl,

when suddenly I realized
that both Chanels are idiots.

What are you doing here?
Yeah, the same.

We cannot perform a
lobotomy on that girl.

So what have you come up with?

Well, I'm just trying
to go over the facts.

Uh, fact number one--

patient's covered in thick hair
from head to toe. Right.

Also a fact that hirsutism
can be caused

by polycystic
ovary syndrome, but

Catherine hasn't complained
of any abdominal pain

or irregular periods.

She does have
irregular eating habits.

Have you seen
this nurse's report?

It's gross. Beef, liver
and kidney beans?

Crab legs and oyster sauce?

12-egg omelet, no yolks,
just whites and canned tuna,

three glasses of whole milk?

That's not an unhealthy
diet, per se.

I mean, all those foods
are loaded with vitamin D.

Vitamin D

is a very good...

I should be on that diet.
It's good for dudes.

(Chanel laughs)
Boost the testosterone.

Do...?

Testosterone.

That's it.

Stop! Stop
the operation!

Chanel, you can't just
barge in here like that.

Yeah, you guys do know this is
a sterile environment, correct?

Testosterone.

What?
Catherine,

your diet is extremely
high in vitamin D.

It's boosting
your testosterone.

We're gonna put you
on a soy-based diet immediately.

It'll spike your estrogen

and bring your hormones
into balance.

Your boobs will
probably get bigger, too.

(chuckles)
Starting a regimen

of dihydrotestosterone.

It's a byproduct
of testosterone.

It's what causes
hair loss in men.

See, if we can introduce
enough DHT into your system,

well, you'll lose hair
naturally, the way a man would.

Most men, really.

Interesting.
Yeah. It really is a...

compelling solution, now,
isn't it?

I mean, here you were,
ready to, uh, jam

an ice pick
into the patient's brain

and sort of randomly
root around willy-nilly,

and then we come in
at the last minute,

We.
saving the day, coming in with
a much better treatment option,

rendering your original
procedure unnecessary. Bummer.

Wait, hold on. So we're
just not gonna do the surgery?

That's right. Change of plans.
I say we go with Chanel's idea

first.
(gasps, chuckles)

Oh, so, Dr. Hot,
just to be clear,

you're saying that our idea
is better than Zayday's idea?

Uh... yeah.

In this case, I would.

Awesome. Later, Zayday.

Chanels!
(gasps)

(panting)

*

How's our little Hairy Mary

doing this morning?
(gasps)

(screams)
(screams)

Oh, my God,
it worked.

We cured her.

You didn't tell me

I would lose all of my hair!

I have no hair anywhere!

I look like a cancer patient!

No. You look
like a large baby.

This is not okay!

Now, hold on.

I spent a full hour

flirting with Dr. Brock
to try to find a cure for you.

So I'll be damned
if we're giving up now.

Catherine, I think we need
to consider one more procedure.

A makeover.

(intro to "Vacation"
by the Go-Go's playing)

* Can't seem to get

* My mind off of you

* Back here at home

* There's nothin' to do

* Ooh

* A week without you

* Thought I'd forget

* Two weeks without you

* And I still haven't
gotten over you yet *

* Vacation, all I ever wanted

* Vacation, had to get away

* Vacation,
meant to be spent alone *

*

* Vacation, all I ever wanted

* Vacation, had to get away

* Vacation,
meant to be spent alone. *

*

Oh, my God.

This is amazing.

Thank you so much!

You girls changed my life!

(chuckles)

I'm gonna go take my first
Tinder profile picture.

Side angle, dim light.
We got rid of all your hair,

but you're still
a good 15 pounds from being

even a New Jersey six.

Oh. Okay. Okay. Okay.
(chuckles)

Ladies,
you have made

this hospital very proud.

I mean, we're batting 1000.

Albeit with
a very small sample size.

ZAYDAY:
I hope y'all learned
a valuable lesson

about how fulfilling
being a doctor can be.

And I hope you learned
a valuable lesson, Zayday,

about how easy being

a doctor can be.

And maybe now
we can put to bed

all of your righteous lecturing
about hard work

and accept the fact that,
through the power

of the Internet,
anyone can be an M.D.

(chuckles)
Let's go, ladies.

(sighs)

CHANEL #3:
I don't know why everyone talks
about how hard it is

being a doctor, because we're
doing an awesome job

and it seems like curing
incurable diseases

is super easy.
(chuckles)

(elevator bell dings)

Hello, Chanels.

Still dressing
like sluts, I see.

Hello, Dean Munsch.
Hello, Nurse.

I thought I smelled
something "Hoffel."

(laughing):
That's hilarious.

I just registered that your
name sounds like "awful."

You know, a broken clock
is still right twice a day.

Just because you solved
your first case

doesn't make you doctors.

Your obvious stupidity
will not get past me.

I got your number,
you rich, dumb whores.

Good to know.

Come on, Chanels.

It is appletini-o'clock.

You don't belong here.

Keep riding them.

Hard.

I've got plans for them.

So do I.

Good news.
Dean Munsch was so impressed

with our work on Chewbacca

she decided to lift
our academic probation.

Number Five still has to work
graveyard shift tonight,

but other than that,
we are fully liberated.

Wait, why do I have to work
tonight and you guys don't?

The graveyard shift,
also known as the virgin shift,

the single and lonely shift,
and the dateless shift.

And you're the only one
who doesn't have a date.

I got asked out
by Dr. Brock Holt.

And I got asked out
by Cassidy Cascade.

(sighs)

I like
to look into these rooms

and think about all the people
who died in them,

how every hope and resentment
and emotional trauma

they ever felt just disappeared
into irrelevance

the second it took
their hearts to stop beating.

Do you want to
go on a date?

Yeah. I guess.

No! I refuse
to accept this, okay?

We need a fresh start, guys.
I want to reinvent myself.

Chanel,

remember back at the asylum
when we were really close and,

you know, just like, sit on the
bench sharing secrets?

First of all,
I'm not the one who decided

to stop taking her meds
when we got released.

And second,
it's pretty lousy

for you to make me feel
bad about trying to move on

from the most traumatic
experience of my life.

I think you should take
the six hours of working alone

in this empty,
creepy hospital

to think about ways you
can reinvent yourself

into a better friend.

Sometimes I think you're
just not a very nice person.

(gasps, sighs)

(water running)
CATHERINE:
Thank you for doing this.

They said I have to take
two baths a day, or my skin

will get flakey.
You know, doctors
have been using

hydrotherapy as a treatment
for nervous exhaustion

since, like, forever.

These used to put insane people
in these things.

And no matter how much
of a raving lunatic you are,

after an hour,
you're, like, super chill.

But that water
looks really hot.

A hydrotherapy tub
should be practically

scalding, right to the point
where you can barely stand it.
Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Okay.
Oh.

Oh. Mm-hmm.

Oh!

Trust me, I've
done it before.

It's amazing. Now I'm just gonna
close this lid.

Mm-hmm.

There we go.

Uh, did it...?
Did this just lock?

Yeah, but don't worry.
I'll be here the whole time.

Oh.
(humming)

Wait. What are you do...?
Duh. I'm doing one, too,
okay? I'm super stressed!

(water splashing)

Ooh. It's bracing.

(lid squeals, thuds shut)

Well, did you just
lock yourself in?

How are we gonna
get out of here?
Relax!

I told Chamberlain that
we were coming down here.

He's gonna come down
for us in an hour.

So just sit back
and let the

scalding hydrotherapy water

melt away all of your stress
and anxiety.

Okay.

(clock ticking)

(hinges creaking)

(hinges creaking, door closes)

Chamberlain,
is that you?

(metallic scraping)

(water dripping)

(intro to "Be My Baby"
by the Ronettes plays)

* The night we met
I knew I needed you so *

* And if I had the chance

(metallic rattling)
* I'd never let you go

* So won't you say you love me

* I'll make you so proud of me

* We'll make 'em turn
their heads every place we go *

* So won't you, please

(screaming)

* Be my little baby
* My one and only baby... *

Help me!

No! No! No!

(screaming)

Somebody please help me!

* I'll make you happy, baby...

No!
(Number Five screaming)

Please don't! Please

don't kill me! Kill her!

Kill her! She's awful!

No! No!

* Oh, since the day I saw you

* I have been waiting for you

* You know I will adore you
till eternity *

* So won't you, please

* Be my, be my baby *
(screaming)

* Say you'll be my darlin'

(screaming)

* Be my be my baby now

* Whoa, oh, oh, oh.

* Don't turn around

* I'll bury you deep

* Whispers turn to screams

* You belong to me

* To me.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH