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1
00:00:34,501 --> 00:00:35,668
You little motherfucker!
2
00:00:50,850 --> 00:00:53,019
Get up, Zack.
3
00:01:13,581 --> 00:01:16,057
Come on, I don't wanna be
late for work.
4
00:01:24,050 --> 00:01:25,385
Ahh! Get out!
- Jesus, fuck!
5
00:01:25,552 --> 00:01:27,595
Close the door
if you're gonna take a shit.
6
00:01:27,762 --> 00:01:30,390
- It was closed.
- It was closed over, it was not closed.
7
00:01:30,557 --> 00:01:32,267
- Close the door, Zack!
- Okay, okay.
8
00:01:32,433 --> 00:01:34,394
God.
- Fine.
9
00:01:52,996 --> 00:01:55,248
- What's that thing?
- It's a hand warmer.
10
00:02:05,091 --> 00:02:06,509
We're going now.
11
00:02:16,769 --> 00:02:20,648
- You smell that? Is that the car? Fuck.
- Oh, goddamn it.
12
00:02:20,815 --> 00:02:22,859
- What? What?
- Oh, it's wedged in my taint.
13
00:02:23,026 --> 00:02:24,777
- What is?
- It got wedged in my taint.
14
00:02:24,944 --> 00:02:27,780
- What?
- It's stuck under my balls.
15
00:02:28,281 --> 00:02:30,783
- It's between my balls and my leg.
- What's happening?
16
00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:35,288
- Please, pull over. Pull the fuck over!
- All right, all right! Jesus, all right!
17
00:02:35,455 --> 00:02:37,374
It's about to move up to my ass.
- What?
18
00:02:37,541 --> 00:02:39,126
The movement makes it hotter.
19
00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:42,254
It's tucked under them.
It's stuck under them.
20
00:02:53,057 --> 00:02:55,142
Oh, fuck.
21
00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:09,615
I think I burned my ball hair off.
22
00:03:13,619 --> 00:03:15,579
It's not funny.
23
00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:32,513
Can you help me pick out an outfit
for tonight?
24
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,765
I'm working till 6.
25
00:03:37,226 --> 00:03:41,897
- Well, I can try stuff on at the store.
- The store?
26
00:03:42,064 --> 00:03:44,692
No, how about instead,
you get a friend?
27
00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:46,402
But you are my friend.
28
00:03:46,568 --> 00:03:49,863
I mean a girl friend, jeez.
29
00:04:30,821 --> 00:04:34,074
Mr. Delaney,
can you work for me tomorrow?
30
00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:35,326
Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
31
00:04:35,492 --> 00:04:39,079
Then you must come in the next day,
I tell you.
32
00:04:39,246 --> 00:04:41,415
- It's Black Friday.
- Black Friday?
33
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:44,543
It's the biggest mall-shopping day
of the year.
34
00:04:44,710 --> 00:04:49,548
And since the mall is just up the street,
I would like you to come out and work.
35
00:04:49,715 --> 00:04:52,092
- On Black Friday.
- Oh, yeah.
36
00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:54,678
All right, you want me to work
on Moolie Monday too?
37
00:04:54,845 --> 00:04:57,097
- I'm sorry?
- How about Nigga Tuesday?
38
00:04:57,264 --> 00:05:00,768
- Nigga Tuesday? Is this a new holiday?
- You come to a brother and tell him
39
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:04,897
he gotta work on Black Friday. You
got any idea how racist that sounds?
40
00:05:05,064 --> 00:05:07,232
Telling me to work.
What, you think you own me?
41
00:05:07,399 --> 00:05:10,486
- I never said this, I tell you.
- But you thought it, didn't you?
42
00:05:10,652 --> 00:05:11,695
You thought,
43
00:05:11,862 --> 00:05:14,531
"I'm gonna lay down the law
for this nigga, I put food on his table,
44
00:05:14,698 --> 00:05:17,618
clothes on his nigga baby backs,
and he ain't gonna say shit."
45
00:05:17,785 --> 00:05:19,411
- This ain't Amistad.
- You shut up.
46
00:05:19,578 --> 00:05:22,873
You goddamn right this ain't Amistad.
I can't wait till the post office
47
00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:26,585
settles my disability suit because then
I'm gonna be out this motherfucker.
48
00:05:26,752 --> 00:05:29,004
I'm gonna be Oprah rich.
Y'all can kiss my ass.
49
00:05:29,171 --> 00:05:32,132
You know what? Fuck you.
Fuck you, and suck cock.
50
00:05:34,510 --> 00:05:36,428
- To hell with you.
- To hell with you.
51
00:05:36,595 --> 00:05:40,516
- Zachary will work. Zack, my boy.
- Yeah.
52
00:05:40,682 --> 00:05:43,185
- The customer with the harelip...
- Oh, yeah.
53
00:05:43,352 --> 00:05:48,148
- speak me, say you were playing
baseball here the other night.
54
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:51,819
Wiffle ball.
And, uh, no, that wasn't me.
55
00:05:52,277 --> 00:05:54,822
Maybe the harelip
makes it sound like "baseball."
56
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,657
Yeah, maybe you hear with an accent.
57
00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:58,659
- Fuck you, okay?
- Okay.
58
00:05:58,826 --> 00:06:02,329
One day, I'm gonna put a camera
over there, and then I can tell...
59
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:04,456
I'll know everything you do
when I'm gone.
60
00:06:04,623 --> 00:06:08,043
Everything. Scratch your balls,
take a shit, everything, I tell you, okay?
61
00:06:08,210 --> 00:06:10,796
Okay. Fucker.
62
00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:16,844
I hate both of you ebony and ivory
motherfuckers, I tell you.
63
00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:23,308
- Why is he so fucking high-strung?
- "Fuck off, I tell you. Very good."
64
00:06:23,475 --> 00:06:26,687
Can you believe that Gandhi motherfucker,
telling me I gotta work on Black Friday?
65
00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:27,855
Ain't that some shit?
66
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:29,898
- Yeah.
- Like I don't wanna do shopping.
67
00:06:30,065 --> 00:06:33,694
Biggest sales day of the year. I'm
getting a flat-screen TV, believe that.
68
00:06:33,861 --> 00:06:37,448
That's my fault, I should tell you. I
asked for Friday morning off, I'm sorry.
69
00:06:37,614 --> 00:06:40,577
- For what?
- I actually need a lot of recovery time.
70
00:06:40,743 --> 00:06:43,204
Tonight is me and Miri's
ten-year high school reunion.
71
00:06:43,371 --> 00:06:46,124
I'm just gonna
get fucking alcohol poisoning.
72
00:06:46,291 --> 00:06:49,919
- Reunion? Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
- Isn't that fucked up that they do that?
73
00:06:50,086 --> 00:06:52,672
They say it's the best chance
to get everyone together.
74
00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:54,716
People come back in town
for the holidays.
75
00:06:54,883 --> 00:06:57,177
But they could have it
in the middle of the summer
76
00:06:57,343 --> 00:07:00,972
at a blowjob contest that I was judging,
and it would still be retarded.
77
00:07:01,639 --> 00:07:04,601
- So why you going, then?
- Miri's making me go.
78
00:07:04,767 --> 00:07:07,228
Why you always
bending over backwards for that girl,
79
00:07:07,395 --> 00:07:10,523
- knowing she ain't giving up no ass?
- We got a good thing going.
80
00:07:10,690 --> 00:07:14,068
She pays half the rent, does dishes,
she wakes me up in the morning.
81
00:07:14,235 --> 00:07:16,112
Why complicate that with sex?
82
00:07:16,279 --> 00:07:18,615
Besides, man, I've known her
since the first grade.
83
00:07:18,781 --> 00:07:21,075
You don't fuck someone
you met in the first grade.
84
00:07:21,242 --> 00:07:23,244
Excuse me,
I met my wife in kindergarten.
85
00:07:23,411 --> 00:07:24,746
We got married senior year,
86
00:07:24,913 --> 00:07:27,415
and she has been the queen
of my world ever since.
87
00:07:27,582 --> 00:07:31,085
- What if you could do it all over again?
- I'd jerk off and live by myself.
88
00:07:31,252 --> 00:07:33,046
That woman is the bane
of my existence.
89
00:07:33,213 --> 00:07:37,175
- See?
- Excuse me, can I get a coffee, black?
90
00:07:37,342 --> 00:07:39,886
Can't you see we talking, white?
91
00:07:42,430 --> 00:07:44,390
If you're gonna continue
to emasculate me
92
00:07:44,557 --> 00:07:46,935
with this Barbie dress-up shit,
93
00:07:47,101 --> 00:07:48,144
I'm using your laptop.
94
00:07:48,311 --> 00:07:50,730
Don't forget to smack it
when you turn it on,
95
00:07:50,897 --> 00:07:52,649
otherwise the screen
doesn't come on.
96
00:07:54,609 --> 00:07:56,361
Why don't you spring
and get a new one?
97
00:07:56,528 --> 00:07:59,364
Same reason I don't spring for clothes
for tonight, I'm broke.
98
00:07:59,531 --> 00:08:02,450
There's a chick who works
at Teen Juice at the mall, you know.
99
00:08:02,617 --> 00:08:04,118
I gave her a good deal on yarn,
100
00:08:04,285 --> 00:08:06,788
- so she's letting me borrow this stuff.
- Yo, bro.
101
00:08:08,790 --> 00:08:12,710
What?
- You're buying a vibrator online.
102
00:08:12,877 --> 00:08:15,547
- What's wrong with the one you have?
- It died last week.
103
00:08:15,713 --> 00:08:18,299
Look at the size
of those fucking panties.
104
00:08:18,466 --> 00:08:20,134
Shoot that shit. Shoot it.
105
00:08:20,301 --> 00:08:22,637
My God, who even knew
Amazon sold shit like this?
106
00:08:22,804 --> 00:08:24,055
This is incredible.
107
00:08:24,222 --> 00:08:27,308
- Those are fucking granny panties.
- Okay,
108
00:08:27,475 --> 00:08:31,020
A, I don't appreciate you violating the
sanctity of my Amazon Wish List page,
109
00:08:31,187 --> 00:08:33,273
and B, I'm not buying that thing
from Amazon,
110
00:08:33,439 --> 00:08:36,609
because it turns out
I don't have a credit card they take.
111
00:08:42,574 --> 00:08:46,327
- Oh, shit.
- I'm sorry, guys. Am I in the way?
112
00:08:46,703 --> 00:08:49,497
You're a fucking faggot, all right?
Let's go to Starbucks.
113
00:08:49,998 --> 00:08:54,002
- He's a shitty barista anyways.
- Cock.
114
00:08:56,337 --> 00:08:59,507
- And he throws like a bitch.
- You know what else I throw?
115
00:08:59,674 --> 00:09:02,427
My nut sack in your coffees,
so how did that taste, fucker?
116
00:09:02,594 --> 00:09:05,513
We saw your girlfriend
in her underwear, cunt nugget.
117
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:08,975
Well, too bad she's not my girlfriend,
you little fuck... Oh, they're gone.
118
00:09:09,142 --> 00:09:10,810
Are you still talking to me?
119
00:09:10,977 --> 00:09:15,565
Uh, just said, I'm gonna
look up more fuck toys on Amazon.
120
00:09:16,190 --> 00:09:18,192
Oh, holy shit.
121
00:09:18,359 --> 00:09:21,446
- They sell the Fleshlight here too.
- What's that?
122
00:09:21,613 --> 00:09:24,365
It's a fucking pocket pussy
that is shaped like a flashlight
123
00:09:24,532 --> 00:09:26,034
"for discretionary jacking off."
124
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,620
That way if you get caught,
no one thinks it's weird.
125
00:09:28,786 --> 00:09:31,372
You're just a guy who likes to fuck
his flashlight.
126
00:09:31,539 --> 00:09:33,166
I am totally buying this shit.
127
00:09:33,333 --> 00:09:36,878
Whoa, if you've got money to burn,
how about paying the electric bill?
128
00:09:37,045 --> 00:09:39,881
- That's due already?
- November's is probably due now,
129
00:09:40,048 --> 00:09:43,885
but I was talking about September's.
Tell me this doesn't rock.
130
00:09:45,970 --> 00:09:47,847
You kind of look
like Ronald McDonald.
131
00:09:48,014 --> 00:09:49,724
That makes me want
some McNuggets.
132
00:09:49,891 --> 00:09:53,269
Why would you wanna buy a
pocket pussy anyway? That is so sad.
133
00:09:53,436 --> 00:09:55,730
What? Excuse me,
I forgot about the nobility
134
00:09:55,897 --> 00:09:58,566
that accompanies coming
with a fucking vibrator.
135
00:09:58,733 --> 00:10:02,403
Think a kid in Darfur gets saved every
time a vibrator makes you come? No.
136
00:10:02,570 --> 00:10:04,489
- "Real feel action"? Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
137
00:10:04,656 --> 00:10:06,824
If you start fucking machines,
I'm moving out.
138
00:10:06,991 --> 00:10:09,202
What do you think a vibrator is?
It's a machine.
139
00:10:09,369 --> 00:10:11,829
How come you get
to fuck something with a motor in it?
140
00:10:11,996 --> 00:10:14,916
I've never met a man who can
make me come like a vibrator does.
141
00:10:15,083 --> 00:10:18,419
That's bullshit. You get to be Buck
Rogers having sex in the 25th century
142
00:10:18,586 --> 00:10:20,505
with fucking Twiki and Dr. Theopolis.
143
00:10:20,672 --> 00:10:23,007
I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergens
in the bathroom.
144
00:10:23,174 --> 00:10:28,221
Holy bejesus. You do not use
my Jergens to jack it in our bathroom.
145
00:10:28,388 --> 00:10:31,265
No, you know what I do
actually, is I light a bunch of candles
146
00:10:31,432 --> 00:10:34,936
and I sprawl out on my sheets
and I listen to Sting.
147
00:10:35,103 --> 00:10:38,481
No, I'm a guy. Give me
two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band,
148
00:10:38,648 --> 00:10:41,610
I'll find a way to fuck it,
like a filthy MacGyver.
149
00:10:41,777 --> 00:10:46,073
Oh, my God, I'm so glad I'm not a guy.
How about this?
150
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,118
I don't get why you're putting
so much effort into this thing.
151
00:10:49,284 --> 00:10:54,081
I thought we were just gonna go to
sit around and make fun of everybody.
152
00:10:54,248 --> 00:10:58,460
I can't wear anything that I already own
and expect to bring home Bobby Long.
153
00:10:58,627 --> 00:11:04,049
Bobby fucking Long? No way.
Didn't that guy call you "Stinky Linky"?
154
00:11:04,216 --> 00:11:05,426
Yeah, that was then, okay?
155
00:11:05,592 --> 00:11:08,262
Maybe now he can save me a fortune
in Amazon bills.
156
00:11:08,429 --> 00:11:11,473
Maybe you can fuck our landlord
157
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:13,726
so we can at least keep a roof
over our heads.
158
00:11:14,393 --> 00:11:17,813
You don't have the rent?
Zack, it's your month.
159
00:11:17,980 --> 00:11:20,649
Hey, I bought skates
with last week's paycheck
160
00:11:20,816 --> 00:11:23,318
and I need those to skate with.
161
00:11:23,485 --> 00:11:27,614
And this week's will barely cover
the past two water bills, so...
162
00:11:27,781 --> 00:11:29,366
Is this sexy?
163
00:11:29,533 --> 00:11:33,328
Yeah, in like a To Catch a Predator
kind of way, it is pretty fucking sexy.
164
00:11:34,496 --> 00:11:35,914
Then we're done.
165
00:11:37,666 --> 00:11:40,127
What the fuck? Zack.
166
00:11:40,586 --> 00:11:43,422
- You want me to come in?
- What happened to the water?
167
00:11:47,509 --> 00:11:50,512
- They shut it off.
- Oh, shit. Just...
168
00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:54,558
Help me get this shit out of my hair.
Just use the water out of the toilet.
169
00:11:57,186 --> 00:11:59,188
- There's poo in there.
- Not that part.
170
00:11:59,354 --> 00:12:01,899
- The back part of the toilet thing.
- Oh, that makes sense.
171
00:12:02,065 --> 00:12:05,277
Take the cup there
and then scoop it in, there you go.
172
00:12:05,444 --> 00:12:09,323
Here, I'll lean back and you can just,
you know, pour it down like... Like that.
173
00:12:09,490 --> 00:12:11,074
You're harshing my buzz, you know.
174
00:12:11,241 --> 00:12:13,160
This is so lame.
Don't look. Don't look.
175
00:12:13,327 --> 00:12:14,870
Don't look.
176
00:12:15,204 --> 00:12:16,371
Whoa!
177
00:12:28,175 --> 00:12:30,511
All right, one hour tops,
then we're gone.
178
00:12:30,677 --> 00:12:31,720
Or I had an idea.
179
00:12:31,887 --> 00:12:34,348
We could just not go at all,
which would rock.
180
00:12:35,224 --> 00:12:38,227
Even though we're broke
and we've never amounted to anything,
181
00:12:38,393 --> 00:12:40,395
we're still better than these people,
right?
182
00:12:40,562 --> 00:12:45,108
No. Not at all. We're probably
not even as good as most of them,
183
00:12:45,275 --> 00:12:47,653
unless one of them is a crackhead
or something.
184
00:12:47,820 --> 00:12:50,614
Just tell me I'm prettier
than when we graduated.
185
00:12:51,406 --> 00:12:53,116
You look about the same.
186
00:12:53,283 --> 00:12:56,411
Definitely not prettier,
but around the same.
187
00:12:56,870 --> 00:12:58,580
I'm thinner, though, right?
A little?
188
00:12:59,665 --> 00:13:00,749
Not really.
189
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,586
Well, good pep talk. Fuck.
190
00:13:15,264 --> 00:13:17,933
- Ta-da.
- Ta-da.
191
00:13:21,353 --> 00:13:24,231
- You don't recognize us, do you?
- Um, no, sorry.
192
00:13:24,398 --> 00:13:26,191
Zack Brown, Miri Linky.
193
00:13:26,608 --> 00:13:28,527
Were you the one they called
Stinky Linky?
194
00:13:28,694 --> 00:13:31,446
Oh, no, no one ever called me that.
195
00:13:32,865 --> 00:13:35,409
- Great. What does yours say?
- What the fuck? Come on.
196
00:13:35,576 --> 00:13:39,121
- I'm sure I had a nickname. Nothing?
- All right, you have a great time,
197
00:13:39,288 --> 00:13:43,584
and before you go, don't forget
your copy of The Roving Roe-Ver.
198
00:13:43,750 --> 00:13:45,294
What the fuck's this shit?
199
00:13:45,460 --> 00:13:48,463
That is not shit, that would be
our bi-monthly newsletter.
200
00:13:48,630 --> 00:13:50,048
- Awesome.
- It updates you
201
00:13:50,215 --> 00:13:52,885
- on what everyone's doing.
- Finally.
202
00:13:53,051 --> 00:13:56,930
I love your enthusiasm. Here you go.
Write your e-mail address on that
203
00:13:57,097 --> 00:14:00,893
and I'll be sure to add you
to our 800-member-strong mailing list.
204
00:14:01,059 --> 00:14:03,061
We had 800 people
in our graduating class?
205
00:14:03,228 --> 00:14:07,900
Yes, and only 250 R.S.V.P.'d.
Doesn't that suck, Mary?
206
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,402
- Miri.
- You married, Bets?
207
00:14:10,569 --> 00:14:13,488
- I am. Two kids.
- Wow, that's beautiful.
208
00:14:13,655 --> 00:14:15,782
- Awesome.
- You wanna fuck me later?
209
00:14:15,949 --> 00:14:19,036
- Uh, no, I'm married.
- Okay, cool. If you change your mind,
210
00:14:19,202 --> 00:14:21,413
- I'll be in there getting shitfaced.
- He will.
211
00:14:21,580 --> 00:14:23,790
- Just so you know, I eat the pussy.
- He does.
212
00:14:23,957 --> 00:14:26,251
Ah, tempting. Again, no.
213
00:14:26,418 --> 00:14:29,671
- Shall we?
- Sir. Bye, Bets.
214
00:14:30,339 --> 00:14:32,341
Think about it.
215
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,181
Enjoy.
216
00:15:21,391 --> 00:15:24,143
Can I get two beers, please?
You want a beer?
217
00:15:24,310 --> 00:15:26,562
- Yeah.
- Three beers.
218
00:15:27,063 --> 00:15:29,148
- Thank you.
- Here you go.
219
00:15:29,315 --> 00:15:35,363
Is that Zack? Or am I Zack?
220
00:15:37,365 --> 00:15:39,867
- Never gets old, huh?
- The other Zack.
221
00:15:40,034 --> 00:15:43,579
Oh, in my world,
nobody calls me "the other Zack,"
222
00:15:43,746 --> 00:15:47,208
now that this guy's not around
anymore, huh?
223
00:15:47,375 --> 00:15:52,380
- Get the fuck off of me.
- There can be only one.
224
00:15:53,006 --> 00:15:56,217
- What?
- Highlander, man? The Kurgan.
225
00:15:56,384 --> 00:16:00,263
Remember? I'd yell it at you whenever
we passed each other in the hallway?
226
00:16:00,430 --> 00:16:03,057
Like it was yesterday, man.
Awesome. Awesome.
227
00:16:03,224 --> 00:16:06,894
Awesome. God, you guys have
so much to catch up on. Whoo.
228
00:16:07,061 --> 00:16:08,938
- No.
- I'm gonna let you get to it.
229
00:16:09,105 --> 00:16:10,606
Bitch.
230
00:16:15,278 --> 00:16:18,531
Have you seen that big blowup picture
they have of me?
231
00:16:18,698 --> 00:16:19,741
Yeah, it's...
232
00:16:20,616 --> 00:16:23,953
My hair is terrible. I can't believe
I even wore my hair like that.
233
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,998
That's before I knew
about styling products, you know.
234
00:16:27,165 --> 00:16:31,711
It makes a big difference in life.
But you live and learn, though, right?
235
00:16:31,878 --> 00:16:36,466
I mean, ten years ago, Pittsburgh,
who knew anything about fashion?
236
00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:42,221
Back in the day, our hairstyle, oh...
237
00:16:43,681 --> 00:16:44,807
Hey, stranger.
238
00:16:46,309 --> 00:16:51,397
- Whoa. Stinky Linky.
- Yeah. Although it's just Miri now.
239
00:16:51,564 --> 00:16:53,775
- Give me a hug.
- Oh, okay.
240
00:16:53,941 --> 00:16:56,694
- Hi.
- Hi.
241
00:16:58,988 --> 00:17:00,990
- How have you been?
- Great, great.
242
00:17:01,157 --> 00:17:02,658
- Yeah?
- You look fantastic.
243
00:17:02,825 --> 00:17:07,163
Wow, that is not something that you
would have said to me ten years ago.
244
00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:11,084
- Well, I've grown up.
- Yes. Yes, you have.
245
00:17:11,250 --> 00:17:13,878
You just look...
246
00:17:14,587 --> 00:17:17,173
Ooh, heh, heh.
247
00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:22,178
- Well, listen to you. Thank you.
- No, don't thank me, just fuck me.
248
00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:38,027
Roxanne. Hey.
249
00:17:38,194 --> 00:17:41,280
Someone I like, what are the odds,
huh?
250
00:17:43,699 --> 00:17:45,952
Zack Brown, we had four years
of Spanish together.
251
00:17:46,119 --> 00:17:47,453
Why does no one recognize me?
252
00:17:47,620 --> 00:17:50,039
- Am I thinner? Is that it?
- Look at him.
253
00:17:51,249 --> 00:17:53,668
- Who?
- My stupid husband.
254
00:17:53,835 --> 00:17:58,297
No fucking shit. John Butterfield?
You actually married John Butterfield?
255
00:17:58,464 --> 00:18:00,716
- That's amazing.
- Don't ever get married.
256
00:18:00,883 --> 00:18:04,595
It sucks. You stop appreciating each
other and run out of shit to talk about
257
00:18:04,762 --> 00:18:09,225
after the first year.
But look at him now, chatty as fuck.
258
00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:12,728
Flirting up a storm with that
cheerleader nimrod Monica Von.
259
00:18:13,563 --> 00:18:17,733
You want me to maybe flirt with you
so he can see it, even it up a bit?
260
00:18:17,900 --> 00:18:18,985
I don't wanna get even.
261
00:18:20,319 --> 00:18:23,447
If I was gonna do anything,
I'd wanna one-up the asshole.
262
00:18:25,199 --> 00:18:27,743
You can give me a handjob
in the girls' locker room.
263
00:18:32,874 --> 00:18:34,792
- Fine, but make it fast.
- Fuck, yeah.
264
00:18:34,959 --> 00:18:37,503
Are you staying in town
for a while or...?
265
00:18:37,670 --> 00:18:40,381
Just tonight. I fly back
to L.A. tomorrow.
266
00:18:40,715 --> 00:18:46,263
L.A., wow, Los Angeles. Gosh,
Bobby Long, coming up in the world.
267
00:18:46,763 --> 00:18:52,686
- With Mrs. Long, I bet, huh?
- No, no, no. No Mrs. Long for me.
268
00:18:53,145 --> 00:18:56,273
- Then can I be honest with you?
- Sure.
269
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:57,774
Um...
270
00:19:00,194 --> 00:19:01,737
Whew. I think I need a drink.
271
00:19:01,904 --> 00:19:04,573
Do you need a drink?
Because I need a drink to say this.
272
00:19:04,740 --> 00:19:08,118
- I've got a beer already, so...
- Oh, great, thank you.
273
00:19:08,577 --> 00:19:10,871
I think there's a
cigarette butt in there.
274
00:19:11,038 --> 00:19:12,080
Yup.
275
00:19:16,001 --> 00:19:18,086
Sorry about the elbow.
276
00:19:21,632 --> 00:19:24,718
There can be only one.
277
00:19:26,762 --> 00:19:28,889
Can I get a beer, please?
278
00:19:30,724 --> 00:19:33,518
Thank you very much.
279
00:19:34,144 --> 00:19:36,897
Oh, Jesus Christ.
280
00:19:37,064 --> 00:19:40,317
My friend's making an ass of herself
hitting on her high school crush.
281
00:19:40,484 --> 00:19:42,361
Oh, God, that's so sad.
282
00:19:42,527 --> 00:19:45,322
It's so Miri, is what it is.
I'm Zack, by the way.
283
00:19:45,489 --> 00:19:47,241
Brandon.
284
00:19:48,825 --> 00:19:51,328
Don't worry, we weren't
in the same class or anything.
285
00:19:51,495 --> 00:19:55,749
- Okay. Lucky you.
- Are you a Monroe-ver?
286
00:19:55,916 --> 00:19:59,169
Well, I went here,
let's just leave it at that, I guess.
287
00:19:59,336 --> 00:20:02,381
Do you have one of the large
blown-up pictures of your younger self
288
00:20:02,547 --> 00:20:05,425
- hanging around here?
- I do, kind of. Right there.
289
00:20:08,136 --> 00:20:10,347
Gorgeous.
- Good times.
290
00:20:10,514 --> 00:20:12,849
What do you do?
What brings you here?
291
00:20:13,016 --> 00:20:15,102
I came with somebody
who went to school here.
292
00:20:15,269 --> 00:20:16,436
- Really?
- Bobby Long.
293
00:20:16,603 --> 00:20:19,856
No shit. That's who my friend's hitting
on right now. See right there?
294
00:20:20,023 --> 00:20:22,734
- Really.
- One dressed like Hannah Montana?
295
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:26,196
In L.A., we call that look
"Nickelodeon chic."
296
00:20:26,363 --> 00:20:28,699
- Wait, L. A.? Los Angeles?
- California.
297
00:20:28,865 --> 00:20:31,034
That's awesome, man.
What do you do out there?
298
00:20:31,201 --> 00:20:35,163
- I'm an actor.
- Wow, that's really impressive.
299
00:20:35,330 --> 00:20:37,708
- Thank you, thank you.
- In fucking movies?
300
00:20:37,874 --> 00:20:40,502
"Fucking movies." Pretty much.
301
00:20:40,669 --> 00:20:43,547
Look at you. What...?
Anything I've seen? What movies?
302
00:20:43,714 --> 00:20:45,716
Oh, all sorts of movies
with all-male casts.
303
00:20:45,882 --> 00:20:49,303
All-male casts.
Like Glengarry Glen Ross? Like that?
304
00:20:49,636 --> 00:20:53,265
Like Glen and Gary
Suck Ross, Meaty Cock
305
00:20:53,432 --> 00:20:56,893
and Drop Their Hairy Nuts
in His Eager Mouth.
306
00:20:58,895 --> 00:21:02,524
- Is that like a sequel?
- Sort of.
307
00:21:02,691 --> 00:21:06,236
- It's a re-imagining.
- Oh, like The Wiz.
308
00:21:06,403 --> 00:21:10,574
More erotic and with less women.
309
00:21:10,741 --> 00:21:13,243
No women, to be exact.
310
00:21:14,911 --> 00:21:19,583
I apologize in advance
if I am out of line here,
311
00:21:19,750 --> 00:21:21,585
but are you in gay porn?
312
00:21:21,752 --> 00:21:24,254
- Guilty as charged.
- Are you fucking with me?
313
00:21:24,421 --> 00:21:27,591
- I thought you recognized me, that's...
- Oh, okay, I get it.
314
00:21:27,758 --> 00:21:30,093
You're not in my demographic,
so I'm not insulted.
315
00:21:30,260 --> 00:21:33,597
- Not really. Who's your demographic?
- Do you love pussy?
316
00:21:33,764 --> 00:21:35,515
- I do.
- Then not you.
317
00:21:35,682 --> 00:21:36,850
Oh, okay.
318
00:21:37,017 --> 00:21:39,227
I came here tonight
319
00:21:39,394 --> 00:21:42,439
hoping to seduce you
and bring you back to my apartment
320
00:21:42,606 --> 00:21:45,609
and sleep with you to, uh,
get back at you,
321
00:21:45,776 --> 00:21:50,072
you know, for calling me Stinky Linky
all those years ago.
322
00:21:51,448 --> 00:21:53,575
That is a weird revenge plot.
323
00:21:53,742 --> 00:21:56,536
- You must be a terrible lay for that.
- What? No, I'm great.
324
00:21:56,703 --> 00:21:59,289
I mean, I've had enough practice
and everything. That...
325
00:21:59,456 --> 00:22:02,959
Wow, that sounded not good.
326
00:22:03,126 --> 00:22:08,131
I fuck a lot. That's what I meant to say.
That doesn't sound good either.
327
00:22:08,298 --> 00:22:11,051
You're a lot funnier than I remember.
328
00:22:11,718 --> 00:22:16,640
Thank you. Gosh,
you turned out to be such a nice guy.
329
00:22:18,308 --> 00:22:22,896
It just... You know, it makes it even
easier to just... To just say this.
330
00:22:23,063 --> 00:22:27,651
Would you like to come back to my
place and maybe open a bottle of wine
331
00:22:27,818 --> 00:22:31,154
and have ourselves
a real high school reunion?
332
00:22:31,863 --> 00:22:33,448
- I...
- Hello, Miriam.
333
00:22:33,615 --> 00:22:34,699
Beat it, we're talking.
334
00:22:34,866 --> 00:22:37,994
- I wanted to introduce you to Brandon.
- Salutations.
335
00:22:38,161 --> 00:22:40,330
- Bobby's boyfriend.
- Bobby who?
336
00:22:40,497 --> 00:22:43,291
- Bobby me.
- Bobby Long.
337
00:22:44,251 --> 00:22:50,174
Brandon is the star of such adult fare
as... What was that one called again?
338
00:22:50,842 --> 00:22:53,136
You Better Shut Your Mouth
or I'm Gonna Fuck It.
339
00:22:53,302 --> 00:22:56,347
That's right.
I'm surprised I forgot that.
340
00:22:56,597 --> 00:22:58,015
Are you fucking with me?
341
00:22:58,182 --> 00:23:00,518
No, they're fucking with each other.
342
00:23:00,935 --> 00:23:02,019
Oh, my God.
343
00:23:03,688 --> 00:23:05,690
- No.
- What?
344
00:23:06,983 --> 00:23:08,359
Granny Panties?
345
00:23:08,526 --> 00:23:10,194
- Excuse me?
- How can you tell?
346
00:23:10,611 --> 00:23:11,737
This is so crazy.
347
00:23:11,904 --> 00:23:14,991
I was literally just watching you, like,
right before we got here.
348
00:23:15,158 --> 00:23:18,035
This is so crazy. This is you, right?
349
00:23:18,202 --> 00:23:19,537
My name's Granny Panties,
350
00:23:19,704 --> 00:23:21,998
and nobody wants to fuck me.
351
00:23:22,165 --> 00:23:24,709
Nothing's whiter than my big gay ass...
352
00:23:24,876 --> 00:23:25,877
Where'd you get that?
353
00:23:26,043 --> 00:23:28,546
Oh, I entered "gay" and "ass,"
and it was the top hit.
354
00:23:28,713 --> 00:23:33,551
It's had 200,000 views in three hours.
Honey, you are, like...
355
00:23:33,718 --> 00:23:36,387
I'm jealous right now
because you're, like, super famous.
356
00:23:36,554 --> 00:23:40,057
Baby, please take our picture.
I get a picture with Granny Panties.
357
00:23:40,224 --> 00:23:42,393
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- This is awesome.
358
00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:45,271
- All right, smile. Okay, got it.
- Did you get it?
359
00:23:45,438 --> 00:23:47,690
- Oh, thank you very much.
- E-mail me that.
360
00:23:47,857 --> 00:23:50,401
Oh, because he's the worst
photographer. Okay, good.
361
00:23:50,568 --> 00:23:52,737
- You're gay?
- Yeah.
362
00:23:53,571 --> 00:23:56,866
And I'm on the Internet
wearing a diaper?
363
00:23:57,033 --> 00:23:59,744
Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh
and meet a celebrity?
364
00:24:00,745 --> 00:24:02,705
I'm gonna binge-drink now
until I pass out.
365
00:24:02,872 --> 00:24:07,001
Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys
suck each other's cocks, huh?
366
00:24:07,168 --> 00:24:08,586
Oh, like crazy.
367
00:24:10,421 --> 00:24:12,632
Okay, that's enough, I think.
368
00:24:12,798 --> 00:24:14,800
I'm embarrassing him.
I love when he's embarrassed.
369
00:24:14,967 --> 00:24:17,428
He's not living out loud,
so he gets all like, ooh.
370
00:24:17,595 --> 00:24:20,681
- You are totally in love, aren't you?
- Zachary, we are.
371
00:24:20,848 --> 00:24:22,016
Wow, I...
372
00:24:22,183 --> 00:24:23,935
Oh, God, I just wanna eat him up,
yum, yum.
373
00:24:24,101 --> 00:24:25,853
Save some for me, yum, yum, yum.
374
00:24:26,020 --> 00:24:28,731
- I can't keep my hands off him.
- You've had one too many.
375
00:24:28,898 --> 00:24:32,568
Although he does most of the eating in
the sack. In the sack and of the sack.
376
00:24:32,985 --> 00:24:35,613
All right, that's enough.
Look, you've drunk too much.
377
00:24:35,780 --> 00:24:38,866
You do this every time. You get too
Mary for everybody in the room
378
00:24:39,033 --> 00:24:41,619
- and you can't contain yourself.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
379
00:24:41,786 --> 00:24:45,957
And by containing myself, do you
mean containing myself in a closet?
380
00:24:46,123 --> 00:24:48,793
In a closet of denial? Is that...?
No, no, no.
381
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:50,711
Holy shit, this just got real.
382
00:24:50,878 --> 00:24:52,964
This is exactly why
you haven't met my mother.
383
00:24:53,130 --> 00:24:55,633
You don't know how to ease people
into this situation.
384
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:59,762
- You just force your way in every time.
- I thought, maybe for one second
385
00:24:59,929 --> 00:25:03,182
in this godforsaken town,
I could be myself. I'm so sorry.
386
00:25:03,349 --> 00:25:05,476
No, you're right, I should just butch up
387
00:25:05,643 --> 00:25:10,898
and pretend that I don't love it when
you shove your dick in my mouth.
388
00:25:11,065 --> 00:25:14,151
- This is the best night of my life.
- Am I making a spectacle?
389
00:25:14,318 --> 00:25:16,779
- I could make a much bigger scene.
- You really are.
390
00:25:16,946 --> 00:25:20,283
I'm sorry. Pittsburgh.
Listen up, Monroe-vers.
391
00:25:20,449 --> 00:25:24,912
My name is Brandon St. Randy,
and I love Bobby Long.
392
00:25:25,079 --> 00:25:26,622
- Fucking A.
- Is that enough?
393
00:25:26,789 --> 00:25:29,667
Is that enough of a scene?
I could start doing worse than that.
394
00:25:29,834 --> 00:25:32,253
The reason you haven't taken me
to your mother's...
395
00:25:32,420 --> 00:25:36,007
Your mother with her makeup and
all her drinking, she's in the closet too.
396
00:25:36,173 --> 00:25:39,760
- They fight just like real people.
- I thought I'd be a conduit for you...
397
00:25:39,927 --> 00:25:41,012
Thank you.
398
00:25:41,178 --> 00:25:44,015
- Are you being sarcastic?
- No, I'm not.
399
00:25:44,682 --> 00:25:47,310
- Thank you.
- I love you.
400
00:25:48,185 --> 00:25:50,646
- I'll e-mail you.
- Zack, it was so nice to meet you.
401
00:25:50,813 --> 00:25:54,066
And I will be patient with you.
I will be there on your journey.
402
00:25:54,233 --> 00:25:57,987
I will be your Sherpa
up the mountain of gayness.
403
00:26:25,014 --> 00:26:29,935
Well, might as well see how many hits
Granny Panties is up to, huh?
404
00:26:33,773 --> 00:26:35,566
Did I do that?
405
00:26:43,157 --> 00:26:45,076
Thanks, George.
406
00:26:46,577 --> 00:26:49,956
What kind of evil fucks
turn off your power the day...?
407
00:26:50,123 --> 00:26:55,212
No, the night before Thanksgiving?
Who does that?
408
00:26:55,379 --> 00:26:57,047
Can you get an advance on your card?
409
00:26:57,214 --> 00:27:02,094
Fleshlight maxed-out my $200 limit.
Not a wise purchase, I'll give you that.
410
00:27:02,260 --> 00:27:06,264
This is bad. If we don't come up
with rent, we're gonna get locked out.
411
00:27:06,431 --> 00:27:09,184
Who the fuck wants to live there?
There's no water or power.
412
00:27:09,351 --> 00:27:12,771
Which means by the time
we get home, there's no heat either.
413
00:27:13,772 --> 00:27:17,526
Well, I think it's time we put what
we always talked about into effect.
414
00:27:18,193 --> 00:27:20,904
- You're gonna have to start hooking.
- You know, you jest,
415
00:27:21,071 --> 00:27:23,949
but these are the exact circumstances
people find themselves in
416
00:27:24,116 --> 00:27:26,535
right before
they start having sex for money.
417
00:27:26,702 --> 00:27:29,413
- Yeah.
- Or making porn.
418
00:27:43,385 --> 00:27:46,221
Oh, my God, yeah.
- What? You got an idea?
419
00:27:46,388 --> 00:27:47,806
We could make a porno.
420
00:27:48,223 --> 00:27:50,142
- Not the idea I was looking for.
- What?
421
00:27:50,308 --> 00:27:53,937
No, that is a fucking awesome idea.
Are you shitting me? That's a rad idea.
422
00:27:54,104 --> 00:27:58,024
That guy, Brandon St. Randy, who's
Bobby Long's awesome nice boyfriend,
423
00:27:58,191 --> 00:27:59,985
he said he makes
a hundred grand a year
424
00:28:00,152 --> 00:28:03,780
because he shoots and distributes
his own porno flicks.
425
00:28:03,947 --> 00:28:06,241
If it's so easy,
how come everybody doesn't do it?
426
00:28:06,408 --> 00:28:09,703
Because other people have options
and dignity, which we do not have,
427
00:28:09,870 --> 00:28:12,956
which puts us in an amazingly
advantageous position.
428
00:28:13,123 --> 00:28:14,624
Fuck you, I have dignity.
429
00:28:14,791 --> 00:28:17,002
Where? Is it hidden
in your gigantic underpants
430
00:28:17,169 --> 00:28:20,756
that are plastered all over the Internet?
Is that where you hide your dignity?
431
00:28:20,922 --> 00:28:24,843
Every woman has a pair of those
period panties. That's, like, a fact.
432
00:28:25,010 --> 00:28:26,011
Okay. Families.
433
00:28:26,178 --> 00:28:28,972
I bet people don't make porno,
because they have families.
434
00:28:29,139 --> 00:28:34,019
But luckily, your parents are dead.
Sorry. My grandparents are dead.
435
00:28:34,186 --> 00:28:35,896
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
436
00:28:36,062 --> 00:28:39,441
So who are we gonna disappoint?
Porn has gone mainstream now.
437
00:28:39,608 --> 00:28:44,154
It's like Coca-Cola or Pepsi with dicks
in it. Look at Paris Hilton.
438
00:28:44,321 --> 00:28:46,531
She throat-fucks a guy in night vision,
439
00:28:46,698 --> 00:28:48,950
now she's selling fragrances
to tweens.
440
00:28:49,117 --> 00:28:51,328
And I'm pretty sure
she's legally retarded.
441
00:28:51,495 --> 00:28:52,537
That's for tweens?
442
00:28:52,704 --> 00:28:55,457
Have you seen that Joe Francis guy
who made Girls Gone Wild?
443
00:28:55,624 --> 00:28:58,543
That guy is the biggest fucking idiot
piece of shit in the world
444
00:28:58,710 --> 00:29:00,879
and he has a jet and a fucking island.
445
00:29:01,046 --> 00:29:05,967
Look, there's got to be a less extreme
solution to our financial woes here.
446
00:29:06,134 --> 00:29:08,720
- Give me a better option.
- Get a paper route.
447
00:29:08,887 --> 00:29:10,680
- I don't have a bike.
- Be a waiter.
448
00:29:10,847 --> 00:29:14,518
No one wants me around their food.
Would you eat food that I gave you?
449
00:29:14,684 --> 00:29:17,062
I would not eat food that you gave me,
that's true.
450
00:29:17,229 --> 00:29:19,564
I mean, nobody
wants to see us fuck, Zack.
451
00:29:19,731 --> 00:29:23,360
Everybody wants to see
anybody fuck. I hate Rosie O'Donnell,
452
00:29:23,527 --> 00:29:27,072
but if someone said, "I got a tape of
Rosie O'Donnell getting fucked stupid,"
453
00:29:27,239 --> 00:29:29,908
I'd be like, "Why aren't we
watching that right now?"
454
00:29:30,075 --> 00:29:31,368
Because she's famous. Hello.
455
00:29:31,535 --> 00:29:33,620
So are you.
You're fucking Granny Panties.
456
00:29:33,787 --> 00:29:37,249
My underwear and your ass
are famous, we're not.
457
00:29:37,415 --> 00:29:39,918
So who the F
would wanna watch us fuck?
458
00:29:40,085 --> 00:29:42,838
- At least 800 people.
- The jerks we went to school with?
459
00:29:43,004 --> 00:29:44,714
- Are you serious?
- Of course.
460
00:29:44,881 --> 00:29:46,842
If you heard
that someone we graduated with
461
00:29:47,008 --> 00:29:49,427
was in a fucking porno movie,
you'd watch it, right?
462
00:29:49,594 --> 00:29:52,097
I'd watch that guy Brandon
suck a cock, I just met him.
463
00:29:52,264 --> 00:29:54,850
With this mailing list,
we have almost a thousand people
464
00:29:55,016 --> 00:29:57,811
that would definitely buy a porno
we were in just to be like,
465
00:29:57,978 --> 00:30:01,273
"Hey, I sat next to that guy in Civics.
Look at his fucking dick."
466
00:30:01,439 --> 00:30:05,944
We sell a thousand copies at 20 bucks
a pop, bam, we have paid off our bills.
467
00:30:06,987 --> 00:30:10,949
So, what do you think?
- I don't think I wanna fuck a stranger.
468
00:30:11,116 --> 00:30:13,618
Oh, wow,
like you've never done that before.
469
00:30:13,785 --> 00:30:17,247
How many guys have you met in a bar,
taken home,
470
00:30:17,414 --> 00:30:21,084
banged with your mouth
and then never talked to again?
471
00:30:21,251 --> 00:30:22,752
That's what we call a stranger.
472
00:30:22,919 --> 00:30:26,965
Dude, I don't one-night mouth-fuck
anybody that I pick up in bars.
473
00:30:27,132 --> 00:30:32,178
You don't wanna fuck a stranger in the
porno movie for some weird reason.
474
00:30:32,554 --> 00:30:33,638
I guess...
475
00:30:36,766 --> 00:30:37,809
We could fuck.
476
00:30:38,852 --> 00:30:40,812
- Ew.
- Fuck you.
477
00:30:40,979 --> 00:30:44,149
I mean, you're a nice-enough-looking
guy and everything...
478
00:30:44,316 --> 00:30:47,193
Holy fuck, thank you.
You're an all-right-enough-looking girl.
479
00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:49,487
- How does that feel?
- Dude, I'm just saying
480
00:30:49,654 --> 00:30:52,366
it'd be weird and wrong, you know,
like fucking my brother.
481
00:30:52,533 --> 00:30:55,286
Okay, seriously,
we're just talking about sex, okay?
482
00:30:55,453 --> 00:30:59,832
It's for a purpose. It's for getting rich.
Only my dick and your pussy
483
00:30:59,999 --> 00:31:03,836
would be doing something weird.
Our bodies and brains would be acting.
484
00:31:04,378 --> 00:31:07,340
- Wow.
- Just explain to your private beforehand,
485
00:31:07,506 --> 00:31:10,676
"Look, this doesn't mean anything.
We're just doing this for cash."
486
00:31:11,344 --> 00:31:13,679
- Oh, my God.
- What?
487
00:31:13,846 --> 00:31:17,642
You're just doing this because you've
always wanted to fuck me, aren't you?
488
00:31:18,392 --> 00:31:23,522
Yes. I've gone my whole life pretending
that I want nothing to do with you,
489
00:31:23,689 --> 00:31:26,984
just hoping one day
we'd be in such dire financial straits
490
00:31:27,151 --> 00:31:30,696
that I could use it
to finally make my move on you.
491
00:31:34,283 --> 00:31:36,535
You're just being sarcastic.
- I am.
492
00:31:36,702 --> 00:31:39,372
See, I was pretending to cry
right there.
493
00:31:40,373 --> 00:31:43,376
I guess it's not like it'd be creepy,
494
00:31:43,542 --> 00:31:47,463
like if we got way too drunk one night
and accidentally fucked, you know?
495
00:31:47,630 --> 00:31:52,218
No. We'd be going in
with the understanding that it's...
496
00:31:52,385 --> 00:31:53,719
A business decision.
497
00:31:53,886 --> 00:31:56,472
Strictly a business decision.
It's a means to an end.
498
00:31:56,639 --> 00:31:58,057
- Right.
- And by end,
499
00:31:58,224 --> 00:32:00,393
I mean, I'll be waxing your ass.
500
00:32:00,559 --> 00:32:03,562
Fuck you.
I'm not even letting you see my ass.
501
00:32:03,729 --> 00:32:07,566
I've seen your ass and the rest of you
naked around a billion times already.
502
00:32:07,733 --> 00:32:10,403
- That goes both ways, buddy.
- You've never seen my dick.
503
00:32:10,569 --> 00:32:12,905
Have you seen my dick?
You've never seen my dick.
504
00:32:13,072 --> 00:32:16,117
Are you kidding? That party we went to
where you got blasted,
505
00:32:16,283 --> 00:32:18,411
and Houls dared you
to give yourself head,
506
00:32:18,577 --> 00:32:20,871
and we all watched you try for,
like, an hour.
507
00:32:21,038 --> 00:32:25,835
Oh, yeah. Thanks by the way, for
fucking letting me do that. Thank you.
508
00:32:26,002 --> 00:32:28,421
Oh, God. We really do know too much
about each other.
509
00:32:28,587 --> 00:32:32,216
See, and this would really
just be one more thing.
510
00:32:32,383 --> 00:32:36,220
I mean, look at us. It's Thanksgiving
and we're huddled around a flaming
511
00:32:36,387 --> 00:32:38,764
fucking garbage can
like a couple of steno bums.
512
00:32:38,931 --> 00:32:42,935
I mean, this could give us a chance
to pay off our debt, pay our bills,
513
00:32:43,102 --> 00:32:47,023
get a fucking nicer apartment
with heat in it maybe.
514
00:32:49,859 --> 00:32:51,527
What are you doing?
515
00:32:53,112 --> 00:32:58,200
Miriam Linky, will you have sex
with me on camera for money?
516
00:33:05,416 --> 00:33:07,168
I will.
517
00:33:08,127 --> 00:33:09,462
A producer?
- Yeah.
518
00:33:09,628 --> 00:33:13,591
- Guy who gets to finance the movie.
- You think I got that kind of money?
519
00:33:13,758 --> 00:33:16,761
We just need that. What you're about
to spend on the flat screen.
520
00:33:16,927 --> 00:33:18,971
Now I can't get my flat screen?
Fuck that.
521
00:33:19,138 --> 00:33:23,059
No, no, no. With your cut of the profits,
you're gonna get two flat screens.
522
00:33:23,225 --> 00:33:25,478
One in your living room,
one in your bathroom.
523
00:33:25,644 --> 00:33:27,438
One in the bathroom?
524
00:33:28,022 --> 00:33:30,941
You know, it's always been my dream
to watch shit while I shit.
525
00:33:31,108 --> 00:33:33,736
Everyone with an ass
loves to watch shit while they shit.
526
00:33:33,903 --> 00:33:36,989
- I'm gonna make that happen for you.
- I don't know, man.
527
00:33:37,156 --> 00:33:38,616
What else the producer do?
528
00:33:38,866 --> 00:33:42,661
- Um, they help with the casting.
- What's casting?
529
00:33:42,828 --> 00:33:44,663
Finding the people to be in the movie.
530
00:33:44,830 --> 00:33:46,624
- I get to help pick the women?
- Yeah.
531
00:33:46,791 --> 00:33:50,169
Like, I can look at a titty, make sure
there ain't no moles on there?
532
00:33:50,336 --> 00:33:53,130
- You can look at both titties, man.
- Man.
533
00:33:53,297 --> 00:33:57,134
I've been looking at the same busted
titties for the past almost 20 years.
534
00:33:57,301 --> 00:34:01,847
- I'm due for another new titty.
- Please help us. Please.
535
00:34:02,014 --> 00:34:03,766
Please.
536
00:34:06,352 --> 00:34:08,854
Yes. Yes. I love you.
537
00:34:11,732 --> 00:34:13,442
Well, don't mind that smell.
538
00:34:13,609 --> 00:34:16,445
We had some homeless people
squatting in here.
539
00:34:16,612 --> 00:34:19,865
You know, they'd void their bowels
everywhere but the bathroom.
540
00:34:20,032 --> 00:34:24,703
Anyway, you pick up the poop
and you've got yourself a movie studio.
541
00:34:24,870 --> 00:34:26,580
Why don't we shoot
in your apartment?
542
00:34:26,747 --> 00:34:28,916
No power.
You wanna pay our electric bill?
543
00:34:29,083 --> 00:34:32,002
- You motherfuckers...
- We'll take it.
544
00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:37,174
Bring it back.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck.
545
00:34:38,551 --> 00:34:41,554
Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.
546
00:34:41,720 --> 00:34:44,807
Oh, God. Come on.
547
00:34:45,558 --> 00:34:49,645
Why the fuck do I have to
do everything? Fuckers.
548
00:34:52,189 --> 00:34:54,526
Hey, what is that?
549
00:34:55,235 --> 00:34:59,906
Fucking guys. This fucking
team, man. They fucking suck.
550
00:35:01,324 --> 00:35:04,244
I'm gonna hatefuck
the shit out of you, ref.
551
00:35:04,411 --> 00:35:06,746
- Dude.
- It's cool.
552
00:35:06,913 --> 00:35:08,748
- He's my cousin.
- Hey.
553
00:35:09,666 --> 00:35:13,253
Didn't you used to videotape the varsity
basketball games in high school?
554
00:35:13,628 --> 00:35:17,424
Just the away games. I did it because
I was trying to fuck a cheerleader.
555
00:35:17,591 --> 00:35:18,592
Which one?
556
00:35:18,758 --> 00:35:22,637
Whichever one wanted to fuck the guy
who taped the varsity games.
557
00:35:22,929 --> 00:35:25,599
- Aw.
- Still know how to work a camera?
558
00:35:25,765 --> 00:35:28,852
- Who cares what the title is?
- The porn I liked when I was a kid,
559
00:35:29,019 --> 00:35:31,688
it was always, like,
a spoof of a popular movie, you know?
560
00:35:31,855 --> 00:35:34,399
Like, um, Edward Penishands.
561
00:35:34,566 --> 00:35:38,445
Okay, so we need a mildly clever,
vaguely dirty title,
562
00:35:38,612 --> 00:35:40,197
that sounds like a real movie
563
00:35:40,363 --> 00:35:42,949
- and sums up what you're gonna see.
- Correct.
564
00:35:43,116 --> 00:35:45,243
An American Werewolf in Brenda?
565
00:35:45,410 --> 00:35:47,120
Fuckback Mountain?
566
00:35:48,288 --> 00:35:51,458
- Too soon? A Cock-in-Lips Now?
- Next.
567
00:35:51,625 --> 00:35:53,752
Cradle the balls. Work the shaft.
568
00:35:53,919 --> 00:35:56,922
Jerk my come-crayon
and let me color you white.
569
00:35:57,088 --> 00:35:59,466
I need cock and I need it now.
570
00:35:59,633 --> 00:36:01,134
I'm fucking you in the puss.
571
00:36:01,301 --> 00:36:03,470
I'm fucking you in the puss.
572
00:36:03,637 --> 00:36:05,805
It's "puss" as in pussy.
573
00:36:06,348 --> 00:36:10,268
Oh, because I was like,
who would wanna fuck puss?
574
00:36:10,435 --> 00:36:16,650
I want to slam my ham in your can,
woman. Scene.
575
00:36:16,816 --> 00:36:20,528
- This guy is amazing.
- This guy's great-looking too.
576
00:36:20,695 --> 00:36:21,988
I wanna fuck him.
577
00:36:22,155 --> 00:36:26,284
Hi, my name's Delaney
and I'm a producer.
578
00:36:26,451 --> 00:36:29,496
I really don't know what it means. I'm
gonna be honest, this is my first time.
579
00:36:29,663 --> 00:36:33,833
You don't have to worry, I'm not gonna
touch you or nothing like that.
580
00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:37,128
- All right.
- I have a wife, you know.
581
00:36:37,295 --> 00:36:41,758
We're happy. I mean, not happy,
but it's cool, you know.
582
00:36:42,467 --> 00:36:46,179
Just so you know,
there will be some fucking.
583
00:36:46,429 --> 00:36:50,100
- We'll talk about that if you get the part.
- Okay.
584
00:36:50,267 --> 00:36:53,395
I mean, not... We won't be fucking,
there'll be fucking in the movie.
585
00:36:53,561 --> 00:36:56,356
Like I said, I got a wife.
She don't play that shit.
586
00:36:56,523 --> 00:36:59,025
- She is a crazy bitch.
- Yep.
587
00:36:59,192 --> 00:37:03,822
It's my job as the producer
to see what you got.
588
00:37:04,281 --> 00:37:07,200
So if that makes you uncomfortable
in any way,
589
00:37:07,367 --> 00:37:13,456
you don't have to show me anything
you don't wanna show me, because...
590
00:37:14,833 --> 00:37:16,543
I love the movies.
591
00:37:16,710 --> 00:37:18,795
- Lawrence of a Labia.
- No.
592
00:37:18,962 --> 00:37:21,131
- Oh, come on.
- Dawn of the Dick.
593
00:37:21,298 --> 00:37:24,134
Yeah, but how are zombies doing it
at all sexy?
594
00:37:24,301 --> 00:37:27,095
I want to eat your brain
595
00:37:27,262 --> 00:37:29,347
and your ass.
596
00:37:30,849 --> 00:37:32,809
- Dude.
- Sci-fi.
597
00:37:32,976 --> 00:37:36,730
Yeah. Close Encounters
With a Turd From Behind.
598
00:37:36,896 --> 00:37:39,065
- I don't know what that means.
- Just asses.
599
00:37:39,232 --> 00:37:41,234
Fucking deep in asses.
600
00:37:45,196 --> 00:37:46,239
What?
601
00:37:46,406 --> 00:37:48,450
We're making a porno
and we just need to know
602
00:37:48,616 --> 00:37:51,995
what you would be or would not be
interested in doing.
603
00:37:52,162 --> 00:37:53,413
If anything.
604
00:37:54,247 --> 00:37:56,666
- No anal.
- Oh, definitely no anal.
605
00:37:56,833 --> 00:37:58,585
Anal and hugging.
606
00:37:58,752 --> 00:38:00,086
I don't do ass stuff.
607
00:38:00,253 --> 00:38:02,672
- Anal.
- Ah, fuck.
608
00:38:02,839 --> 00:38:06,092
- Oh, wait, oral. I like anal.
- Yay.
609
00:38:06,259 --> 00:38:09,596
Okay, well,
so, uh, do you have any special skills?
610
00:38:09,763 --> 00:38:11,389
Special skills?
611
00:38:12,932 --> 00:38:15,602
I can get a boner really quick
and it sticks straight up.
612
00:38:15,769 --> 00:38:17,771
- Is that really a special skill?
- I think.
613
00:38:17,937 --> 00:38:20,732
- Can you show us what you mean?
- Sure.
614
00:38:28,698 --> 00:38:30,075
Oh, that is special.
615
00:38:31,785 --> 00:38:32,994
Yeah, you're hired, Mr...
616
00:38:33,161 --> 00:38:34,954
- Who are you again?
- Lester.
617
00:38:35,121 --> 00:38:37,624
Lester "The Molester" Cockinshtuff.
618
00:38:37,791 --> 00:38:38,792
No.
619
00:38:38,958 --> 00:38:41,961
That is the best porn name
I've ever heard, man.
620
00:38:42,128 --> 00:38:43,463
I can have a porn name?
621
00:38:44,297 --> 00:38:48,134
- Then I'll be Pete Jones.
- Okay.
622
00:38:48,551 --> 00:38:49,969
Are you Granny Panties?
623
00:38:50,136 --> 00:38:52,138
- She is.
- Get the fuck out of here.
624
00:38:52,305 --> 00:38:53,890
The panties
are actually in the house.
625
00:38:54,057 --> 00:38:55,100
- I'll get them.
- Whoa.
626
00:38:55,266 --> 00:38:58,813
The Wrath of Cunt.
- We never made a Star Sex 1.
627
00:38:58,979 --> 00:39:01,649
I guess we can lose Star Sex 3:
The Search for Cock, then.
628
00:39:01,816 --> 00:39:03,651
- Cocunt.
- What's that?
629
00:39:03,818 --> 00:39:05,444
It's Cocoon with a cunt.
630
00:39:07,154 --> 00:39:11,325
So Delaney tells us
you have a special talent of some sort.
631
00:39:11,492 --> 00:39:13,994
I don't know if I'd
call it a special talent,
632
00:39:14,161 --> 00:39:17,665
but it's a little something I picked up
doing bachelor parties.
633
00:39:17,832 --> 00:39:20,584
It would probably be easier
if I just showed you.
634
00:39:21,210 --> 00:39:23,003
- Great.
- The floor is yours.
635
00:39:38,853 --> 00:39:41,772
So a movie, huh? That could be fun.
636
00:39:52,116 --> 00:39:54,118
Holy fuck.
637
00:39:58,706 --> 00:40:00,875
Her name's Bubbles.
638
00:40:01,500 --> 00:40:04,920
- Invasion of the Potty-Snatchers?
- That's like MAD Magazine stupid.
639
00:40:05,087 --> 00:40:09,049
Well, fuck you, okay? You try to think
of a good sci-fi porno title. It's hard.
640
00:40:09,216 --> 00:40:12,219
There's gotta be one we haven't
thought of that would say it all,
641
00:40:12,386 --> 00:40:14,388
not be ridiculously filthy
and off-putting,
642
00:40:14,555 --> 00:40:17,725
and still have instant recognition
with our audience.
643
00:40:19,351 --> 00:40:20,478
- I got it.
- I got it.
644
00:40:21,395 --> 00:40:24,273
- Star Whores.
- Yeah. It's funny, right?
645
00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:27,359
See, we figured this opens us up
to an even bigger sales market
646
00:40:27,526 --> 00:40:29,570
beyond the people we went
to school with.
647
00:40:29,737 --> 00:40:31,489
People who like comics and sci-fi.
648
00:40:31,655 --> 00:40:33,407
Comics? Like "Ziggy"?
649
00:40:33,574 --> 00:40:36,744
"Ziggy"? Is that even in fucking papers
anymore? No, man.
650
00:40:36,911 --> 00:40:39,872
Fuck you. "Ziggy" is a comic,
right next to "Family Circus."
651
00:40:40,039 --> 00:40:42,416
No, like Spider-Man and shit,
you know?
652
00:40:42,791 --> 00:40:46,170
There's always a shitload of Star Wars
nerds at those comic-book shows.
653
00:40:46,337 --> 00:40:49,798
So we sell them a Princess Leia
they can really fucking jerk off to.
654
00:40:49,965 --> 00:40:54,053
- That'd be me, Princess Lay-Her.
- Who am I playing?
655
00:40:54,220 --> 00:40:57,681
You, my friend,
are the lead role of Lubed Guy-Baller.
656
00:40:57,848 --> 00:40:59,433
Man, he's gonna be balling dudes?
657
00:40:59,600 --> 00:41:01,644
I thought you said
this was boys on girls.
658
00:41:01,810 --> 00:41:04,480
If I have to fuck a guy, okay,
but I'd rather fuck a girl.
659
00:41:04,647 --> 00:41:06,357
What's wrong with you, boy?
660
00:41:06,524 --> 00:41:09,902
- We'll change the name to Sky-Baller.
- Sky-Baller.
661
00:41:10,069 --> 00:41:12,112
I will be Hung So-low.
662
00:41:12,279 --> 00:41:16,033
Delaney, my friend,
you are On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over.
663
00:41:16,200 --> 00:41:18,536
Man, I can't be in no porno.
My wife will kill me.
664
00:41:18,702 --> 00:41:22,081
Hump me, On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over.
You're my only hump.
665
00:41:22,248 --> 00:41:24,124
On the other hand, fuck my wife.
666
00:41:24,291 --> 00:41:27,586
Unfortunately, On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over
does not have any sex in the movie
667
00:41:27,753 --> 00:41:32,550
but the droids do,
l-CUP and R2-T-Bag.
668
00:41:32,716 --> 00:41:35,135
I robot.
669
00:41:35,302 --> 00:41:40,140
And Stacey over here
is gonna play Darth Vibrator.
670
00:41:40,307 --> 00:41:42,560
- I'm the bad guy?
- She's not a guy, Zack.
671
00:41:42,726 --> 00:41:45,020
I know that
because I'm not a fucking idiot.
672
00:41:45,187 --> 00:41:48,732
In our movie,
Darth Vibrator is a bad girl
673
00:41:48,899 --> 00:41:50,401
who wants to fuck the galaxy,
674
00:41:50,568 --> 00:41:54,947
literally, and it's up to Lubed and Hung
to stop her with their cocks.
675
00:41:55,114 --> 00:41:57,157
- You and me get to have sex, then?
- Yeah.
676
00:41:57,324 --> 00:41:59,952
- Cool.
- I know. Isn't that awesome?
677
00:42:00,119 --> 00:42:03,789
Hold up, hold up. So who's all having
sex with who in this movie?
678
00:42:03,956 --> 00:42:06,041
As of last night,
I was having sex with Zack.
679
00:42:06,208 --> 00:42:11,255
What? Han Solo ain't never had no sex
with Princess Leia in the Star Wars.
680
00:42:11,422 --> 00:42:13,882
Guys, this isn't
a literal adaptation here.
681
00:42:14,049 --> 00:42:17,177
It's more of an erotic re-imagining.
682
00:42:17,344 --> 00:42:20,931
Kind of like The Wiz or like a parody.
With lots of anal.
683
00:42:21,098 --> 00:42:23,767
- Cool.
- I know, isn't that awesome?
684
00:42:24,268 --> 00:42:28,355
I have a question, do Princess Lay-Her
and Lubed Sky-Baller have sex?
685
00:42:29,690 --> 00:42:32,651
Uh, no, because
they're brother and sister,
686
00:42:32,818 --> 00:42:35,487
and according to Miri,
brothers and sisters can't fuck.
687
00:42:35,654 --> 00:42:38,073
But you said,
that this wasn't a literal translation,
688
00:42:38,240 --> 00:42:42,161
so that means Lester's character
could have sex with Miri's character.
689
00:42:42,328 --> 00:42:46,457
Because I would love to fucking eat
her ass and fuck her silly in the movie.
690
00:42:46,624 --> 00:42:49,043
Dream on, pal,
it's never gonna happen, okay?
691
00:42:49,209 --> 00:42:52,046
- No, I'm fine with it.
- See, she's fine... Wait, what?
692
00:42:52,212 --> 00:42:55,299
Yep. I mean, everyone else is having
sex with more than one person
693
00:42:55,466 --> 00:42:57,217
in this movie all of a sudden,
694
00:42:57,384 --> 00:43:02,682
so I think it's, you know,
not fair if I'm only fucking you.
695
00:43:03,350 --> 00:43:06,353
Guys, read amongst yourselves, okay?
Can I talk to you for a sec?
696
00:43:06,978 --> 00:43:08,813
Look, Miri,
697
00:43:08,980 --> 00:43:12,400
we got plenty of sex going on in this
thing, you don't have to do that.
698
00:43:12,567 --> 00:43:16,154
Zack, it's fine. I mean I have slept with
way worse-looking guys than Lester.
699
00:43:16,321 --> 00:43:18,990
I just wanna do my part for the movie
like everyone else.
700
00:43:19,157 --> 00:43:22,285
You're having sex in the movie,
you don't need to fuck someone else.
701
00:43:22,452 --> 00:43:24,746
- You're good.
- I'm only fucking you, though.
702
00:43:24,913 --> 00:43:28,750
So don't we need to vary it up
to keep it fair?
703
00:43:28,917 --> 00:43:31,211
Fair for...? I don't... What?
Fair for who?
704
00:43:31,378 --> 00:43:33,755
What are these,
blood diamonds we're talking about?
705
00:43:33,922 --> 00:43:37,342
Fair for everyone else
who is fucking more than one person,
706
00:43:37,509 --> 00:43:39,427
a.k.a. you, in the movie.
707
00:43:39,594 --> 00:43:42,764
- I mean, fine...
- All right. I mean, if you don't care...
708
00:43:42,931 --> 00:43:45,850
I don't fucking care if you fuck him.
Fuck. I don't give a shit.
709
00:43:46,017 --> 00:43:49,020
Like you said, you know,
you've fucked bigger idiots than Lester.
710
00:43:49,187 --> 00:43:53,608
Holy shit. Are we really gonna
shoot this in outer space?
711
00:43:53,775 --> 00:43:55,276
Maybe not bigger idiots.
712
00:44:43,032 --> 00:44:44,492
Thank you.
713
00:45:09,559 --> 00:45:14,189
- Cut. All right, guys, that's it.
- Yeah.
714
00:45:14,355 --> 00:45:18,026
Make sure you leave your costume
so we know they're here for tomorrow.
715
00:45:18,193 --> 00:45:22,071
Mostly, everybody, thank you so much
for helping us get ready, you know.
716
00:45:22,238 --> 00:45:26,284
Cleaning this place out, building the
sets, sewing the costumes, it's just...
717
00:45:26,451 --> 00:45:28,286
I mean, it's really amazing. Thank you.
718
00:45:28,453 --> 00:45:29,788
Seriously, thanks.
719
00:45:29,954 --> 00:45:34,375
But this is just the beginning, guys.
If Star Whores works, and it will,
720
00:45:34,542 --> 00:45:37,962
we are set up for sequels galore.
The Empire Strikes Ass.
721
00:45:38,129 --> 00:45:40,840
- Return of the Brown-Eye.
- The Phantom Man-Ass.
722
00:45:41,007 --> 00:45:44,511
And Revenge of the Shit:
The All-Anal Final Chapter.
723
00:45:46,638 --> 00:45:49,015
- Okay.
- Revenge of the Shit.
724
00:45:49,599 --> 00:45:52,393
- You got it?
- Yeah, no, we got it.
725
00:45:52,727 --> 00:45:53,770
Ew.
726
00:45:53,937 --> 00:45:56,439
- Fuck you, motherfuckers.
- We'll talk about that one.
727
00:45:56,606 --> 00:45:59,025
We're gonna have a lot of fun,
but more importantly,
728
00:45:59,192 --> 00:46:01,069
we're gonna make
a lot of fucking money, okay?
729
00:46:01,236 --> 00:46:03,238
- Yeah.
- So get ready for greatness, people.
730
00:46:03,404 --> 00:46:05,073
Tomorrow we start
principal photography.
731
00:46:05,240 --> 00:46:07,408
- Whoo!
- Yeah.
732
00:46:07,742 --> 00:46:10,078
- All right, good night, you guys.
- We got a movie.
733
00:46:14,207 --> 00:46:16,084
- What?
- Nothing.
734
00:46:16,251 --> 00:46:19,963
I think someone should acknowledge
how insane and amazing this is
735
00:46:20,129 --> 00:46:23,383
- and it's all because of you.
- I don't know. It's just a porno.
736
00:46:23,550 --> 00:46:27,512
You know what I mean.
You've really come into your own.
737
00:46:28,763 --> 00:46:30,014
Shut the fuck up.
738
00:46:31,224 --> 00:46:35,270
So speaking of coming into things,
ready for tomorrow? Twenty years,
739
00:46:35,436 --> 00:46:38,273
we're finally gonna know what it's like
to have sex with each other.
740
00:46:38,439 --> 00:46:39,941
You say that like
you've been wondering
741
00:46:40,108 --> 00:46:42,235
what it'd be like to sleep with me
for a while now.
742
00:46:42,402 --> 00:46:45,029
Why the fuck do you think
I started hanging out with you?
743
00:46:45,196 --> 00:46:49,200
I knew it. Here, help.
744
00:46:52,787 --> 00:46:57,083
Let's just promise that it's not gonna
change anything between us, okay?
745
00:46:57,250 --> 00:46:58,293
- Like what?
- I don't know.
746
00:46:58,459 --> 00:47:00,628
Some guys
can't keep sex in perspective.
747
00:47:00,795 --> 00:47:03,507
If anyone's gotta keep this
in perspective, it's you, okay?
748
00:47:03,674 --> 00:47:06,635
I don't want you getting all mushy
and gooey on me
749
00:47:06,802 --> 00:47:09,305
after I give you the best orgasm
you've ever had.
750
00:47:09,471 --> 00:47:11,849
Oh, like you know what you're doing
down there at all.
751
00:47:12,016 --> 00:47:14,894
I actually don't. Where's the clitoris?
Is it in your ass?
752
00:47:15,060 --> 00:47:17,813
Just, you know,
make sure you kind of whoop it up
753
00:47:17,980 --> 00:47:22,318
and act like I'm a stud who knows
what he's doing, okay? Just be a pal.
754
00:47:22,484 --> 00:47:26,280
Oh, dude, I am gonna Meryl Streep the
fuck out of this tomorrow, you watch.
755
00:47:28,866 --> 00:47:32,077
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
756
00:47:32,244 --> 00:47:34,496
No. Really, thank you.
757
00:47:36,498 --> 00:47:38,459
For everything.
758
00:47:40,169 --> 00:47:42,129
You're welcome.
759
00:47:48,177 --> 00:47:50,888
Less than 12 hours
and we make Monroeville history.
760
00:47:51,055 --> 00:47:55,768
- I really hope nothing goes wrong.
- It's a movie. What could go wrong?
761
00:48:04,568 --> 00:48:06,779
What are you doing?
762
00:48:08,697 --> 00:48:10,866
What's up?
- What the fuck?
763
00:48:11,033 --> 00:48:12,368
What are you doing?
764
00:48:12,534 --> 00:48:14,536
- What are you doing?
- Wait, wait.
765
00:48:14,703 --> 00:48:16,664
- Wait.
- Stop. Stop.
766
00:48:17,873 --> 00:48:21,043
- No, no, no.
- What the fuck is going on?
767
00:48:21,210 --> 00:48:24,296
Condos is what's going on,
as soon as this shit-hole's demo'd.
768
00:48:24,463 --> 00:48:25,923
No, you gotta stop it right now.
769
00:48:26,090 --> 00:48:28,467
We rented this place for a month
from Mr. Jenkins.
770
00:48:28,634 --> 00:48:30,844
Sounds like your Mr. Jenkins
was full of shit.
771
00:48:31,011 --> 00:48:33,472
Luxury Homesteads
bought this place a month ago.
772
00:48:33,639 --> 00:48:35,349
I'm gonna kill that lying old fuck.
773
00:48:35,516 --> 00:48:38,018
You're gonna have to go Florida,
that's where he moved.
774
00:48:38,185 --> 00:48:40,396
We've got thousands of dollars
of equipment in there.
775
00:48:40,562 --> 00:48:43,190
- Please.
- If you wanna sift through this rubble
776
00:48:43,357 --> 00:48:47,277
when we're done, be my guest.
Hey, get that fucking beam down.
777
00:49:04,628 --> 00:49:06,880
This is the last thing you wanna hear.
778
00:49:07,047 --> 00:49:08,424
If you don't get an advance,
779
00:49:08,590 --> 00:49:11,051
I don't think we're gonna keep
a roof over our heads.
780
00:49:11,218 --> 00:49:14,930
I got an advance already.
It went into all the costumes.
781
00:49:15,097 --> 00:49:17,933
- So all our money's gone?
- All your money?
782
00:49:18,100 --> 00:49:21,603
Never mind what my wife's gonna do
when there ain't no new snow tires,
783
00:49:21,770 --> 00:49:24,690
or when she sees
I charged a video camera.
784
00:49:24,857 --> 00:49:26,734
I'm sorry I dragged you into this, man.
785
00:49:26,900 --> 00:49:28,777
I just wanted to see some free titties.
786
00:49:29,445 --> 00:49:35,284
That's all. But there's no such thing
as free titties, is there, Zack?
787
00:49:36,368 --> 00:49:38,579
- Is there?
- Fuck this noise.
788
00:49:38,746 --> 00:49:41,457
Why don't we get another camera,
and shoot something else?
789
00:49:41,623 --> 00:49:44,043
Where are we gonna do that?
Got another sound stage?
790
00:49:44,209 --> 00:49:48,255
Sound stage? We had a shit-covered
garage we turned into a sound stage.
791
00:49:48,422 --> 00:49:51,091
We find someplace new
and we do it again.
792
00:49:52,468 --> 00:49:53,886
How? Okay, I'm broke, man.
793
00:49:54,053 --> 00:49:58,557
No, make that, I was broke.
Now I am really tapped out.
794
00:49:58,724 --> 00:50:01,143
I have to get another job
to pay Delaney back.
795
00:50:01,310 --> 00:50:04,813
So please tell me,
how can I afford to start over?
796
00:50:04,980 --> 00:50:07,149
- What can I get you?
- Yeah, can I get a, uh...?
797
00:50:07,316 --> 00:50:10,652
Too fucking late. Cappuccino, 3.50.
798
00:50:10,819 --> 00:50:12,821
I don't know
what the fuck I was thinking.
799
00:50:12,988 --> 00:50:18,160
I mean, I'm a total loser
in every single other aspect of my life.
800
00:50:18,327 --> 00:50:20,204
What made me think
I could do something
801
00:50:20,370 --> 00:50:22,164
as simple as filming people fucking?
802
00:50:22,331 --> 00:50:25,167
We have no money left,
nowhere to shoot, no sets,
803
00:50:25,334 --> 00:50:27,586
we have no fucking cameras. Here.
804
00:50:29,129 --> 00:50:31,965
It's time I go back to my regular life
805
00:50:32,132 --> 00:50:36,178
where I am a quiet fuckup
who doesn't cost anybody any money
806
00:50:36,345 --> 00:50:39,431
and knows his goddamn position
behind this fucking counter
807
00:50:39,598 --> 00:50:42,726
making cappuccinos
for this fucking guy.
808
00:50:47,064 --> 00:50:50,359
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
809
00:50:55,864 --> 00:50:57,533
What are you doing?
810
00:50:59,284 --> 00:51:00,702
Oh, yeah.
811
00:51:01,328 --> 00:51:03,247
Yeah.
812
00:51:08,670 --> 00:51:10,505
Fuck, yes.
813
00:51:13,049 --> 00:51:14,050
Zack.
814
00:51:36,114 --> 00:51:40,994
You sneaky Indian motherfucker.
I tell you, yes.
815
00:51:42,203 --> 00:51:45,248
Swallow My Cockuccino.
816
00:51:45,415 --> 00:51:48,084
- What?
- That's it. That's the movie.
817
00:51:48,251 --> 00:51:51,796
Why didn't I think of it before?
We don't need sets or a stage.
818
00:51:51,963 --> 00:51:55,550
Look at all this production value,
waiting to have balls on it.
819
00:51:55,717 --> 00:51:58,428
Hold up. You wanna shoot
a dirty movie here, where we work?
820
00:51:58,595 --> 00:51:59,596
Yes.
821
00:51:59,762 --> 00:52:03,266
Fuck, yes, I do. You know how many
stories I have from working here?
822
00:52:03,433 --> 00:52:07,395
How many times I've been laid
right there after hours?
823
00:52:07,562 --> 00:52:09,189
You've never gotten laid here
after hours.
824
00:52:09,355 --> 00:52:11,441
I know. Thank you for reminding me.
825
00:52:11,608 --> 00:52:16,571
But I always wish I had,
and that's what porno is. It's fantasy.
826
00:52:16,738 --> 00:52:22,076
It's taking the normal
and making it abnormal by fucking it.
827
00:52:22,243 --> 00:52:24,621
Don't do that.
The little dog don't like that.
828
00:52:24,787 --> 00:52:26,247
How did you get a camera?
829
00:52:26,414 --> 00:52:30,293
By being a terrible, untrustworthy
employee, that's how.
830
00:52:30,960 --> 00:52:35,632
Give me today, I'll bang out a script.
Meet me back here after closing.
831
00:52:35,798 --> 00:52:40,970
We're gonna launch arching ropes of
jism all over this motherfucker. Peace.
832
00:52:42,764 --> 00:52:46,601
I like that guy but if he tries
to fuck that little dog tonight for real,
833
00:52:46,768 --> 00:52:48,937
I'm calling the Humane Society.
834
00:52:51,147 --> 00:52:55,068
It's called Bean-N-Gone,
so get the fuck out of here. Hey, Barry.
835
00:53:00,823 --> 00:53:03,910
Stand by, Stace, picture's up.
- Okay.
836
00:53:04,077 --> 00:53:05,954
Roll tape.
837
00:53:08,790 --> 00:53:11,834
Swallow My Cockuccino,
Scene 12, Take 1.
838
00:53:19,759 --> 00:53:21,886
And action.
839
00:53:30,019 --> 00:53:33,648
I'd like a double espresso
so I can stay up all night
840
00:53:33,815 --> 00:53:36,359
because I'm in the mood to fuck.
841
00:53:36,526 --> 00:53:41,030
Well, I am a whore-ista, so I love
to fuck. Would you like to fuck me?
842
00:53:41,197 --> 00:53:45,201
Holy fuck. You mean,
after you're done with your shift?
843
00:53:45,368 --> 00:53:48,329
I mean during my shift.
844
00:53:49,205 --> 00:53:51,499
- Sorry.
- Keep going, keep going.
845
00:53:51,666 --> 00:53:54,043
With your shaft.
846
00:54:04,345 --> 00:54:08,099
Let us fuck.
847
00:54:12,103 --> 00:54:13,896
Cue music.
848
00:54:19,694 --> 00:54:22,071
Okay, open up to camera,
guys. Let us see it.
849
00:54:25,575 --> 00:54:26,743
More tongue.
850
00:54:29,871 --> 00:54:31,331
Little less tongue.
851
00:54:35,668 --> 00:54:37,587
Oh, that was good.
852
00:54:43,343 --> 00:54:44,427
Cue effects.
853
00:55:01,778 --> 00:55:04,155
Oh, yeah, like that.
854
00:55:04,322 --> 00:55:06,450
Oh, yeah.
855
00:55:07,618 --> 00:55:10,662
See, I told you it would work.
Didn't I tell you? It looks amazing.
856
00:55:10,829 --> 00:55:12,373
It's incredible.
857
00:55:12,956 --> 00:55:15,626
Oh, the beans hurt. Easy.
858
00:55:15,918 --> 00:55:18,796
- Move in for coverage.
- Nice.
859
00:55:19,129 --> 00:55:20,214
That's why we got him.
860
00:55:20,381 --> 00:55:23,634
- Nice. I'm impressed.
- Get in there, Deacon.
861
00:55:23,801 --> 00:55:27,137
- Come on.
- Like that? Like that.
862
00:55:27,304 --> 00:55:30,933
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah. Look at that.
863
00:55:31,100 --> 00:55:32,976
- Pull out a bit, actually.
- That's hot.
864
00:55:33,143 --> 00:55:35,062
No, not you, Lester. Put it back in.
865
00:55:35,229 --> 00:55:36,730
Kiss the muscle.
866
00:55:37,314 --> 00:55:39,316
- I kiss the muscle.
- You kiss the muscle.
867
00:55:39,983 --> 00:55:43,070
- Can he slap her ass a little?
- Don't be a fucking pervert, dude.
868
00:55:43,237 --> 00:55:47,157
- Stir, come on. Stir.
- Yeah, stir it.
869
00:55:47,574 --> 00:55:50,285
Stir it, baby.
870
00:55:59,086 --> 00:56:00,254
Hey.
871
00:56:01,630 --> 00:56:03,090
- Holy.
- Shit.
872
00:56:03,257 --> 00:56:05,467
Are you guys still open?
873
00:56:07,010 --> 00:56:10,973
No. We close at 9.
874
00:56:11,807 --> 00:56:14,017
I need coffee so I'm drive home.
875
00:56:14,476 --> 00:56:17,604
- Okay. Yeah.
- Thank you.
876
00:56:18,939 --> 00:56:21,108
That's a cute kitty.
877
00:56:21,775 --> 00:56:22,943
Okay.
878
00:56:30,200 --> 00:56:31,201
Hey.
879
00:56:31,368 --> 00:56:33,036
- Hey.
- Hey.
880
00:56:33,203 --> 00:56:36,999
You guys see the game? I was at it.
881
00:56:37,166 --> 00:56:42,546
Fucking Roethlisberger,
the quarterback, was all fucking,
882
00:56:42,713 --> 00:56:48,469
"Hug it, chug it, football. All night."
Heh-heh.
883
00:56:48,635 --> 00:56:50,971
Okay, pal, here you go.
On the house.
884
00:56:51,305 --> 00:56:53,515
- I love you.
- I love you too. Have a good one.
885
00:56:53,682 --> 00:56:56,935
- Yeah, I'll have a cold one.
- I said, have a good one.
886
00:56:59,062 --> 00:57:01,815
- Okay. Keep moving.
- You and your little dog.
887
00:57:02,691 --> 00:57:04,860
Go Steelers.
888
00:57:10,741 --> 00:57:11,992
Action.
889
00:57:12,493 --> 00:57:16,538
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, like that.
890
00:57:16,705 --> 00:57:21,585
Oh, fuck it, chuck it, football.
Oh, yeah.
891
00:57:21,919 --> 00:57:23,253
Oh, God, this is good.
892
00:57:25,923 --> 00:57:32,221
You take it. You take it.
Take it, Barry. Oh, take it.
893
00:57:32,387 --> 00:57:35,390
Take it, Barry. Take it.
894
00:57:36,225 --> 00:57:39,603
I'm disturbed
at how turned on I am by this.
895
00:57:40,687 --> 00:57:42,314
- Shit, dude, it's almost 6.
- Oh, fuck.
896
00:57:42,481 --> 00:57:44,608
Okay, that's a wrap,
everybody, yeah.
897
00:57:44,775 --> 00:57:47,778
Let's give a hand to our hotties
with the bodies from last night.
898
00:57:47,945 --> 00:57:50,447
Stacey, Lester,
Bubbles, Barry, whoo.
899
00:57:50,614 --> 00:57:51,698
Yeah.
- Nice.
900
00:57:51,865 --> 00:57:53,659
Okay, when we come back tonight,
901
00:57:53,825 --> 00:57:57,663
we finish up the venti-vulva scene, and
then we get into me and Miri's stuff.
902
00:57:57,829 --> 00:58:01,542
Again, amazing first night, everybody.
Thank you so much.
903
00:58:04,628 --> 00:58:06,838
Let us fuck.
904
00:58:10,008 --> 00:58:12,344
- Hey, how'd it look?
- How do you think it looked?
905
00:58:12,511 --> 00:58:15,973
It looked like shit going
into other shit, in focus.
906
00:58:16,139 --> 00:58:19,768
What an artist. That was Kurosawa's
motto. "Shit going into other shit."
907
00:58:19,935 --> 00:58:22,104
Oh, man,
I can't believe you gotta work now.
908
00:58:22,271 --> 00:58:25,065
It's okay. You know, honestly,
I don't think I could sleep.
909
00:58:25,232 --> 00:58:28,569
- I'm pretty, like, pumped up right now.
- Right? It was amazing.
910
00:58:28,735 --> 00:58:30,946
It was awesome.
I think the cast and crew had a good time.
911
00:58:31,113 --> 00:58:33,323
- We were getting great shit.
- Yeah, it was so fun.
912
00:58:33,490 --> 00:58:35,951
I just wanna keep shooting
people boning all day.
913
00:58:36,326 --> 00:58:39,496
I don't think I've ever met
the ambitious Zack Brown before.
914
00:58:40,163 --> 00:58:43,458
- Well, I'm trying to pay the bills, so...
- It's not a bad thing.
915
00:58:44,668 --> 00:58:46,837
I think it looks good on you.
916
00:59:33,635 --> 00:59:38,014
Come on, hurry.
Come on, come on, come on.
917
00:59:39,098 --> 00:59:40,224
Wait a minute.
918
00:59:40,391 --> 00:59:42,810
- You guys never did it before?
- It's fine.
919
00:59:43,269 --> 00:59:48,441
You know, we talked about it
and it's just for the movie.
920
00:59:48,608 --> 00:59:50,610
We're friends, you know,
we're just friends.
921
00:59:50,777 --> 00:59:54,656
And we will always just be
just friends, so...
922
00:59:54,822 --> 00:59:58,201
Listen, I have some extra lube
from last night.
923
00:59:58,368 --> 01:00:01,746
I understand it's kind of hard getting
wet when everyone's watching.
924
01:00:01,913 --> 01:00:03,748
At least it was for Barry.
925
01:00:03,915 --> 01:00:06,876
- I don't know if I am gonna need it.
- Really?
926
01:00:07,043 --> 01:00:10,505
Yeah, I think I'm just excited.
927
01:00:12,674 --> 01:00:15,259
At the idea of people watching,
not because of Zack.
928
01:00:15,426 --> 01:00:18,554
Oh, God. Zack could never have that
effect on me in a million years.
929
01:00:18,721 --> 01:00:21,265
- Hello, Miriam.
- Oh, hey.
930
01:00:22,642 --> 01:00:24,435
- Your face.
- Yeah. Weird, huh?
931
01:00:24,602 --> 01:00:27,021
I don't think I've seen your face
since senior year.
932
01:00:27,188 --> 01:00:28,356
I think I made a mistake.
933
01:00:28,523 --> 01:00:31,442
I did it for you so you wouldn't
get road rash during our scene,
934
01:00:31,609 --> 01:00:34,779
but I should have asked first,
I look like a fucking beluga whale.
935
01:00:35,196 --> 01:00:37,782
I think I'll be going now.
936
01:00:39,200 --> 01:00:40,868
Okay.
937
01:00:47,625 --> 01:00:50,002
All I keep thinking is
we should've done a trial run
938
01:00:50,169 --> 01:00:51,629
at home last week or something.
939
01:00:51,796 --> 01:00:53,589
- Oh, my God. Right?
- I know.
940
01:00:55,800 --> 01:01:01,139
- You're still cool to do it, though, right?
- Yeah, um. Totally. Are you?
941
01:01:01,305 --> 01:01:03,433
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I'm...
942
01:01:03,808 --> 01:01:06,269
- Honestly, I'm a little nervous, I guess.
- You are?
943
01:01:06,436 --> 01:01:08,730
- It's kind of a big deal.
- It is?
944
01:01:08,896 --> 01:01:12,817
Yeah, you know,
it's our first time together
945
01:01:14,235 --> 01:01:18,489
since our auspicious debut
on viral video.
946
01:01:19,657 --> 01:01:20,742
Oh, yeah.
947
01:01:20,908 --> 01:01:23,161
That's a fuckload of pressure
for a director.
948
01:01:23,661 --> 01:01:27,165
As a director, please. What about
the anxiety I'm feeling as an actress?
949
01:01:27,331 --> 01:01:30,668
- Did I pick the right project?
- Yeah. What about this follow-up?
950
01:01:30,835 --> 01:01:33,838
Julia Roberts followed Pretty Waman
with Sleeping With the Enemy.
951
01:01:34,005 --> 01:01:36,966
I'm following Granny Panties
with Swallow My Cockuccino.
952
01:01:37,133 --> 01:01:39,385
Only difference is
this movie's about cock-sucking
953
01:01:39,552 --> 01:01:41,637
and her movie just sucked cock,
period.
954
01:01:41,804 --> 01:01:44,849
- The only difference, yeah.
- The end was pretty rad.
955
01:01:45,475 --> 01:01:47,351
I liked that.
956
01:01:48,895 --> 01:01:51,439
- When she kills him.
- With a gun.
957
01:01:51,606 --> 01:01:52,732
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
958
01:01:52,899 --> 01:01:55,318
- She calls the cops first.
- She calls it in first.
959
01:01:55,485 --> 01:01:57,361
- It was so awesome.
- Awesome, yeah.
960
01:01:59,614 --> 01:02:01,866
So I guess we should do this.
961
01:02:02,033 --> 01:02:06,454
I think we should probably wait just
until I lose another 20 or 30 pounds.
962
01:02:06,621 --> 01:02:09,540
Stop it. You look good.
963
01:02:09,707 --> 01:02:11,209
Thanks.
964
01:02:12,877 --> 01:02:16,631
So, what about me? How do I look?
965
01:02:17,840 --> 01:02:21,511
I mean, you look beautiful.
You always look so beautiful,
966
01:02:21,677 --> 01:02:25,890
so I guess it's not a big deal,
but you look amazing.
967
01:02:34,315 --> 01:02:38,069
- Okay. Let's go make a porno.
- Okay.
968
01:02:39,195 --> 01:02:43,074
Swallow My Cockuccino,
Scene 8, Take 1.
969
01:02:43,241 --> 01:02:45,701
Come here.
- I'm over...?
970
01:02:46,369 --> 01:02:48,246
All right, settle.
971
01:02:48,996 --> 01:02:50,414
Action.
972
01:02:52,041 --> 01:02:54,418
Who could it be?
973
01:03:01,634 --> 01:03:02,802
- Hi.
- Hi.
974
01:03:02,969 --> 01:03:06,430
I'm a delivery man
and I have some cream for you.
975
01:03:06,597 --> 01:03:10,101
Wow, that cream looks heavy.
You must be strong.
976
01:03:10,268 --> 01:03:11,728
I work out.
977
01:03:11,895 --> 01:03:16,108
So do you want me
to give you your cream now?
978
01:03:16,275 --> 01:03:20,028
I've been waiting for it all day.
979
01:03:21,113 --> 01:03:22,114
- Fuck. Come on.
- Oops.
980
01:03:22,281 --> 01:03:23,866
Keep going.
981
01:03:24,032 --> 01:03:28,453
I spilled my cream. Do you mind?
982
01:03:28,620 --> 01:03:33,959
I don't mind.
Especially if you spill it on my face.
983
01:03:34,418 --> 01:03:36,461
Let us fuck.
984
01:03:42,718 --> 01:03:44,803
- Fix my shirt. Think I should?
- Okay.
985
01:03:44,970 --> 01:03:48,056
Let me see them titties.
986
01:03:48,473 --> 01:03:51,560
Actually, you know what? Sorry,
I don't think we should show them.
987
01:03:51,727 --> 01:03:54,021
- What?
- We shouldn't show your breasts.
988
01:03:54,187 --> 01:03:57,274
- Aren't you gonna take your shirt off?
- I'm just gonna open it.
989
01:03:57,441 --> 01:03:59,192
You're not gonna take it off? Why not?
990
01:03:59,359 --> 01:04:02,321
My tits are bigger than yours.
I don't wanna show that.
991
01:04:02,487 --> 01:04:05,449
She's not gonna show her tits?
I showed my cock and my asshole.
992
01:04:05,616 --> 01:04:07,951
- Okay, I'll do your pants.
- Back and forth. okay.
993
01:04:08,118 --> 01:04:10,495
- Holy shit.
- Where's that delivery?
994
01:04:10,662 --> 01:04:15,959
I can't believe this. I was delivering
cream, and look what's happening.
995
01:04:16,126 --> 01:04:19,922
- Jesus, what is that, a rumba?
- What's a rumba?
996
01:04:20,088 --> 01:04:22,007
That awkward movement.
997
01:04:23,675 --> 01:04:26,678
- Should I take your underpants off?
- Yeah, take them off.
998
01:04:29,681 --> 01:04:31,141
What the fuck?
How does this work?
999
01:04:31,308 --> 01:04:33,226
They're just like... I'll do it.
1000
01:04:33,393 --> 01:04:36,355
- I'll do mine, you just... You do yours.
- I'll do my pants.
1001
01:04:45,238 --> 01:04:47,491
Granny panties.
1002
01:04:49,368 --> 01:04:51,203
Just get on with it already.
1003
01:04:52,496 --> 01:04:54,373
I'm gonna fuck you with my pecker.
1004
01:04:54,539 --> 01:04:56,333
Dude, that's really dirty.
1005
01:04:56,500 --> 01:04:58,502
- That's too dirty?
- That offends me.
1006
01:04:58,669 --> 01:05:00,545
- Penis?
- Fine.
1007
01:05:00,712 --> 01:05:03,882
- I'm gonna fuck you with my penis.
- I can't wait.
1008
01:05:04,049 --> 01:05:05,884
For my penis.
1009
01:05:06,051 --> 01:05:09,513
Be careful, Miri. Okay, there we go.
Just keep rolling, keep rolling.
1010
01:05:09,680 --> 01:05:14,351
- I'll walk forward.
- Fucking cream is coming.
1011
01:05:16,979 --> 01:05:20,065
This is the worst porno
I've ever seen.
1012
01:05:20,440 --> 01:05:26,071
Get over here, delivery man.
- Let's fuck on these beans.
1013
01:05:28,240 --> 01:05:29,282
- You okay?
- Yup.
1014
01:05:29,449 --> 01:05:32,786
Okay, all right.
- Just leave them. Just leave them.
1015
01:05:32,953 --> 01:05:35,414
- They're really distracting.
- You should leave them.
1016
01:05:35,580 --> 01:05:37,874
- You gotta get your... There you go.
- Okay, okay.
1017
01:05:38,041 --> 01:05:40,335
- Okay, okay.
- Okay. This okay?
1018
01:05:44,339 --> 01:05:45,924
Okay.
1019
01:05:46,091 --> 01:05:47,509
Okay.
1020
01:05:47,926 --> 01:05:50,762
- We'll start kissing on three, okay?
- Okay.
1021
01:05:50,929 --> 01:05:54,516
One, two, three. Go.
1022
01:06:18,123 --> 01:06:20,042
I'm ready.
1023
01:06:20,959 --> 01:06:24,463
- I'm ready.
- Okay.
1024
01:06:33,597 --> 01:06:34,639
Deacon.
1025
01:06:34,806 --> 01:06:37,059
- Deacon. Deacon.
- What?
1026
01:06:37,225 --> 01:06:40,645
Did you see Lost this week, man?
I missed it. What happened?
1027
01:06:40,812 --> 01:06:43,732
They're on the island, off the island.
Who can follow that?
1028
01:06:43,899 --> 01:06:45,025
I think they're in hell.
1029
01:06:45,192 --> 01:06:46,985
Would you all shut the motherfuck up?
1030
01:07:02,000 --> 01:07:03,627
I want you to come.
1031
01:07:03,794 --> 01:07:06,755
- I want you to come with me.
- Okay.
1032
01:07:11,676 --> 01:07:13,888
Oh, God.
1033
01:07:29,445 --> 01:07:31,531
Oh, God.
1034
01:07:44,293 --> 01:07:45,461
Cut.
1035
01:07:45,628 --> 01:07:50,383
That's it? It's over? Ain't he
supposed to come on her titties?
1036
01:07:55,471 --> 01:07:58,099
Well, it wasn't what we'd shot-listed,
but that was nice.
1037
01:07:58,266 --> 01:08:00,893
- It was so romantic.
- Way to fuck, Zack.
1038
01:08:01,060 --> 01:08:03,271
Thanks, Lester, uh.
1039
01:08:03,479 --> 01:08:07,150
It wasn't just me, though, guys. Give
it up for my radiant costar here, Miri.
1040
01:08:08,526 --> 01:08:10,695
Nice.
- Um, show's over in here.
1041
01:08:10,862 --> 01:08:12,947
Let's move out,
start lighting the next scene.
1042
01:08:13,114 --> 01:08:14,866
- All right.
- Let's do it.
1043
01:08:15,700 --> 01:08:17,618
You looked so beautiful.
- Thanks.
1044
01:08:17,785 --> 01:08:19,704
I thought they were gonna
be fucking hard.
1045
01:08:19,871 --> 01:08:21,539
- It was pretty.
- Pretty don't sell.
1046
01:08:21,706 --> 01:08:23,749
- Good job.
- Thanks.
1047
01:08:24,250 --> 01:08:27,003
You good, Mir? You need anything?
1048
01:08:27,170 --> 01:08:29,088
I'm just gonna take a minute, okay?
1049
01:08:29,255 --> 01:08:32,592
Okay, uh. I'll just be out there.
1050
01:08:33,426 --> 01:08:34,927
Yeah.
1051
01:08:36,470 --> 01:08:40,016
- That was fun.
- Yeah, fun.
1052
01:08:41,893 --> 01:08:44,353
"Fun." You fucking douche.
1053
01:09:26,979 --> 01:09:28,481
- Hey.
- Hey.
1054
01:09:28,648 --> 01:09:31,484
- You working on a rewrite?
- Yeah, just for tonight's scene.
1055
01:09:31,651 --> 01:09:34,237
- I'm ready to go when you are, though.
- Okay.
1056
01:09:35,988 --> 01:09:42,828
You know, before we go, I...
I'm thinking that, uh, it's a good idea
1057
01:09:43,412 --> 01:09:45,331
if we talk about
what happened last night.
1058
01:09:47,083 --> 01:09:49,794
- Oh.
- I mean, we don't have to, but I think...
1059
01:09:49,961 --> 01:09:51,128
Okay, yeah, uh.
1060
01:09:51,295 --> 01:09:53,297
I kind of dropped the ball on that,
I guess, huh?
1061
01:09:53,464 --> 01:09:57,343
- No, no. It's...
- To be honest, it was...
1062
01:09:57,510 --> 01:10:00,096
You know, I didn't realize
how weird it would be for me.
1063
01:10:00,263 --> 01:10:03,015
Weird? Like... Weird how?
1064
01:10:03,641 --> 01:10:07,270
Acting and directing at the same time.
It's a lot to process, you know.
1065
01:10:07,436 --> 01:10:11,190
For the first time, I thought my balls
didn't have enough hair on them.
1066
01:10:11,357 --> 01:10:12,858
That's not what I meant.
1067
01:10:14,652 --> 01:10:16,696
I know what you meant.
1068
01:10:16,862 --> 01:10:18,531
How you feeling about it?
1069
01:10:19,198 --> 01:10:21,117
I guess, um...
1070
01:10:22,618 --> 01:10:23,786
I feel like...
1071
01:10:25,538 --> 01:10:26,539
Like we...
1072
01:10:28,165 --> 01:10:31,502
- Holy fuck.
- The power's on. Did you do this?
1073
01:10:31,669 --> 01:10:33,671
How did this happen?
I burned the bills.
1074
01:10:33,838 --> 01:10:35,298
How could we have done that?
1075
01:10:35,464 --> 01:10:37,049
- The water.
- The water.
1076
01:10:37,842 --> 01:10:40,303
Come on, come on, come on.
1077
01:10:40,469 --> 01:10:41,804
Yeah!
1078
01:10:41,971 --> 01:10:44,682
- We can shower in our home again.
- We are liquid.
1079
01:10:50,563 --> 01:10:51,564
Greetings.
1080
01:10:51,731 --> 01:10:55,067
Have you heard the good news about
our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?
1081
01:10:55,234 --> 01:10:56,902
Oh, my God, did you guys do this?
1082
01:10:57,069 --> 01:10:59,905
We got tired of you taking showers
at our places all the time.
1083
01:11:00,072 --> 01:11:02,199
So we took up a collection
amongst ourselves.
1084
01:11:02,366 --> 01:11:04,243
And chipped away
at your mountain of debt.
1085
01:11:04,410 --> 01:11:06,537
You guys paid off
our massive utilities bills?
1086
01:11:06,704 --> 01:11:09,749
- How did you afford that?
- I stole my old lady's bingo winnings.
1087
01:11:09,915 --> 01:11:12,293
And Mistress Bubbles
did a bachelor party tonight
1088
01:11:12,460 --> 01:11:15,714
at which yours truly was a guest star,
thank you very much.
1089
01:11:17,174 --> 01:11:20,927
Don't get too excited. We didn't pay off
your whole bill. Just a month of each.
1090
01:11:21,094 --> 01:11:23,013
They agreed
to turn everything back on?
1091
01:11:23,180 --> 01:11:24,890
At 9 at night? How does that work?
1092
01:11:25,057 --> 01:11:27,809
Stacey knows somebody
that works at Power and Light.
1093
01:11:27,976 --> 01:11:29,936
- You guys...
- This is amazing.
1094
01:11:30,103 --> 01:11:31,605
You didn't have to do this.
1095
01:11:31,772 --> 01:11:33,607
You didn't have to put us
in your movie.
1096
01:11:33,774 --> 01:11:35,650
- Or let us shoot it.
- Or produce it.
1097
01:11:35,817 --> 01:11:38,445
- Or put us in your movie either.
- We said that already.
1098
01:11:38,612 --> 01:11:40,781
Guys, honestly,
I don't know what to say.
1099
01:11:40,947 --> 01:11:43,075
You can start by saying
we can take tonight off
1100
01:11:43,241 --> 01:11:45,452
so we can have our wrap party
right now.
1101
01:11:45,619 --> 01:11:48,789
Guys, we're not wrapped.
We still have four days of shooting left.
1102
01:11:48,955 --> 01:11:51,625
Excuse me.
In my "producorial" capacity,
1103
01:11:51,792 --> 01:11:55,545
I'm shutting the movie down for a night
so we can get a little silly.
1104
01:12:38,380 --> 01:12:40,674
Go, go, go.
1105
01:12:40,841 --> 01:12:42,884
- Yes.
- Yes.
1106
01:12:44,428 --> 01:12:45,720
You all drink.
1107
01:12:45,887 --> 01:12:49,349
Was it just amazing with him,
after all those years of not knowing?
1108
01:12:49,516 --> 01:12:52,727
It was, um, weird.
1109
01:12:53,645 --> 01:12:55,981
- But good.
- My scene with Zack's tomorrow.
1110
01:12:56,148 --> 01:12:57,524
You don't say.
1111
01:12:57,691 --> 01:13:02,362
But I'm a little nervous. I was thinking
about trying to get with him tonight.
1112
01:13:02,529 --> 01:13:05,073
- Really?
- I mean, if you don't mind.
1113
01:13:05,240 --> 01:13:08,452
You are just friends and all,
so I didn't think it would be a biggie.
1114
01:13:08,618 --> 01:13:10,871
- It wouldn't be a biggie, would it?
- No.
1115
01:13:11,830 --> 01:13:15,834
No, no. It's not a biggie. What? No.
1116
01:13:16,001 --> 01:13:17,544
Are you sure?
1117
01:13:17,711 --> 01:13:20,380
Yeah. Stacey,
I'm not married to the guy, so...
1118
01:13:20,547 --> 01:13:25,552
I don't know. You guys just looked
kind of intimate last night.
1119
01:13:25,719 --> 01:13:28,221
- We did?
- Yeah.
1120
01:13:32,517 --> 01:13:38,565
Well, we're just better actors than
I thought, I think, so you know what?
1121
01:13:38,732 --> 01:13:41,902
If you wanna get with him,
you should just go ask him.
1122
01:13:42,068 --> 01:13:45,822
- He'd be really excited to hear that.
- Yeah? For real, you don't mind?
1123
01:13:45,989 --> 01:13:49,034
- Yeah.
- Cool.
1124
01:13:53,288 --> 01:13:56,208
All the quarters are on the ground.
1125
01:13:56,917 --> 01:13:59,711
Hey, Stace.
- Hey, Zack.
1126
01:14:05,008 --> 01:14:07,677
Come on,
are you guys playing or what?
1127
01:15:48,529 --> 01:15:51,032
Well, I'm bummed, but I totally get it.
1128
01:15:51,198 --> 01:15:54,410
It's no problem to work
with Lester again. He has a nice cock.
1129
01:15:54,577 --> 01:15:56,245
Well, you're a trouper, Stace.
1130
01:15:56,412 --> 01:15:59,707
Oh, but if I start making weird faces
or anything during the scene,
1131
01:15:59,874 --> 01:16:02,460
it's just because
I've been constipated all day.
1132
01:16:02,627 --> 01:16:05,588
Oh, shit, uh. We don't have
to shoot the scene tonight.
1133
01:16:05,755 --> 01:16:08,341
No, I want to. Anal's great
for when you're constipated.
1134
01:16:08,507 --> 01:16:10,843
It totally loosens you up.
1135
01:16:11,552 --> 01:16:14,388
I use ex-lax, but good to know.
1136
01:16:14,555 --> 01:16:18,059
Okay, I never thought
I would have that conversation.
1137
01:16:18,225 --> 01:16:20,519
So are we starting
with Lester and Stacey tonight?
1138
01:16:20,686 --> 01:16:22,563
We were supposed to start
with Lester and Miri.
1139
01:16:22,730 --> 01:16:25,566
I know. She... We're not gonna do that.
I don't think Miri's gonna...
1140
01:16:33,491 --> 01:16:35,076
...do that.
1141
01:16:37,870 --> 01:16:41,582
Hey. So where are we shooting this?
Over here?
1142
01:16:42,333 --> 01:16:45,211
- What are you doing here?
- Me and Lester.
1143
01:16:46,587 --> 01:16:48,714
Our scene's tonight, right?
1144
01:16:50,758 --> 01:16:53,302
Can I talk to you for a minute
in the back?
1145
01:16:53,803 --> 01:16:56,931
- Sure.
- Thanks.
1146
01:16:58,641 --> 01:17:00,351
What do you want me to shoot here?
1147
01:17:00,518 --> 01:17:03,938
Start with the close-ups of Lester
and Stacey. Give me a second, man.
1148
01:17:04,647 --> 01:17:05,731
What an artist.
1149
01:17:06,440 --> 01:17:10,236
Okay, uh. Did I do something
wrong to you?
1150
01:17:10,403 --> 01:17:11,445
No.
1151
01:17:12,113 --> 01:17:13,239
Then why are you here?
1152
01:17:13,406 --> 01:17:16,617
I'm here for the same reason
you're here. To make the movie.
1153
01:17:17,284 --> 01:17:20,788
Okay, just, like,
for your own personal information,
1154
01:17:21,664 --> 01:17:23,541
you're acting really weird right now.
1155
01:17:23,708 --> 01:17:26,293
I'm acting weird?
I think you're acting weird right now.
1156
01:17:26,460 --> 01:17:28,671
Oh, I'm acting...
How exactly am I acting weird?
1157
01:17:28,838 --> 01:17:31,507
You've been trying to keep me
from fucking anybody but you
1158
01:17:31,674 --> 01:17:33,634
since we started this thing.
1159
01:17:34,301 --> 01:17:37,263
Maybe I was thinking
about your feelings.
1160
01:17:37,430 --> 01:17:40,307
Were you thinking of my feelings
when you were banging Stacey?
1161
01:17:40,474 --> 01:17:42,810
Because that'd be really sad
for Stacey.
1162
01:17:42,977 --> 01:17:45,813
She told me that you told her that
that was okay.
1163
01:17:45,980 --> 01:17:51,110
I told her that it was okay to ask you.
1164
01:17:52,945 --> 01:17:57,283
Holy shit. I get it. I fucking get it.
1165
01:17:57,450 --> 01:18:00,494
It was a test. That whole thing
was a fucking test, is that it?
1166
01:18:01,412 --> 01:18:03,497
If it was, how do you think you did?
1167
01:18:04,331 --> 01:18:05,541
We had a discussion, Miri.
1168
01:18:05,708 --> 01:18:11,964
We had... Actually, we had many
discussions about how it was just sex
1169
01:18:12,131 --> 01:18:15,009
- and how we wouldn't let it get weird.
- I'm not acting weird.
1170
01:18:15,176 --> 01:18:18,971
You're acting like a jealous girlfriend
is what the fuck you're acting like.
1171
01:18:19,138 --> 01:18:21,015
- I am not your girlfriend.
- I know that.
1172
01:18:21,182 --> 01:18:24,935
You're not my boyfriend, so why are
we having this conversation right now?
1173
01:18:25,102 --> 01:18:29,190
Because you're about to fuck Lester
to spite me, it seems like.
1174
01:18:29,356 --> 01:18:31,734
Did you fuck Stacey to spite me? No.
1175
01:18:31,901 --> 01:18:34,111
You fucked her
like you fucked every other bitch
1176
01:18:34,278 --> 01:18:36,363
and never gave a shit
how I felt about it.
1177
01:18:36,864 --> 01:18:39,158
- Well, that was before.
- Before what?
1178
01:18:39,325 --> 01:18:43,662
Look, don't fucking pretend that the
other night, you and me, right there,
1179
01:18:43,829 --> 01:18:46,957
that that didn't mean anything to you,
that you didn't feel it too.
1180
01:18:47,124 --> 01:18:51,545
Oh. You're not getting all gooey
on me here, are you, Zack?
1181
01:18:51,879 --> 01:18:53,297
You know what?
1182
01:18:53,464 --> 01:18:56,425
If you were any other bitch
I didn't give a rat's ass about,
1183
01:18:56,592 --> 01:18:58,719
I would tell you
to go fuck yourself right now
1184
01:18:58,886 --> 01:19:02,348
because I fucking hate
this game-playing shit.
1185
01:19:02,515 --> 01:19:04,517
But you,
you mean more to me than that,
1186
01:19:04,683 --> 01:19:07,061
so I'm just gonna lay this out
on front street.
1187
01:19:07,228 --> 01:19:10,397
I know you felt something big,
something real the other night
1188
01:19:10,564 --> 01:19:13,275
when we were together
because I felt it too.
1189
01:19:13,442 --> 01:19:18,155
We tried to fuck and instead,
we wound up making love.
1190
01:19:18,322 --> 01:19:21,910
So if this is what you need to hear in
order to keep you from fucking Lester,
1191
01:19:22,077 --> 01:19:27,499
if this is what you need, then fine.
Here it is, I'm gonna say it.
1192
01:19:28,250 --> 01:19:30,001
I love you, Miri.
1193
01:19:34,256 --> 01:19:35,715
Happy?
1194
01:19:36,550 --> 01:19:37,801
Oh, Jesus.
1195
01:19:37,968 --> 01:19:40,929
You better get ahold of yourself, Zack,
because we just fucked.
1196
01:19:42,639 --> 01:19:44,349
Okay.
1197
01:19:50,939 --> 01:19:53,275
What if I didn't fuck Stacey?
1198
01:19:54,234 --> 01:19:55,861
But you did.
1199
01:19:56,027 --> 01:19:59,906
You know what?
I don't fucking give a shit.
1200
01:20:00,782 --> 01:20:02,450
Wait...
1201
01:20:07,122 --> 01:20:10,917
All right, don't forget I'm down here.
Watch that pullout, huh?
1202
01:20:11,084 --> 01:20:12,836
Yeah.
1203
01:20:13,003 --> 01:20:16,798
Mmm.
This is some damn good coffee.
1204
01:20:16,965 --> 01:20:19,301
- Where you going?
- Getting the fuck out of here.
1205
01:20:19,467 --> 01:20:21,094
We gotta finish this movie.
1206
01:20:27,058 --> 01:20:28,393
Yo!
1207
01:20:32,063 --> 01:20:33,982
You believe this shit?
1208
01:20:34,149 --> 01:20:35,525
Do you believe this shit?
1209
01:20:35,692 --> 01:20:37,402
What the fuck just happened
in there?
1210
01:20:37,569 --> 01:20:39,571
I'll tell you what
just happened in there.
1211
01:20:39,738 --> 01:20:42,407
That chick frosted me
like I was a fucking cake.
1212
01:21:00,508 --> 01:21:02,260
Zack.
1213
01:21:19,152 --> 01:21:21,529
Okay, seriously,
get a picture of me right now.
1214
01:21:22,072 --> 01:21:24,199
I'm hunting humans.
1215
01:21:24,366 --> 01:21:27,369
- Dude, check it out. Ooh.
- Oh, shit.
1216
01:21:27,535 --> 01:21:29,829
Seriously,
let's shoot the shit out of this bitch.
1217
01:21:29,996 --> 01:21:32,707
- Where you aiming at?
- Cock shots?
1218
01:21:32,874 --> 01:21:34,209
Cock shots.
1219
01:21:48,348 --> 01:21:50,684
We shot you in the balls, cunt nugget.
1220
01:21:51,184 --> 01:21:54,688
Well, it's my job to get shot in the balls,
so... oh, they're gone.
1221
01:21:54,854 --> 01:21:55,897
Excuse me.
1222
01:21:56,064 --> 01:21:58,316
Didn't you used to work at
the Bean-N-Gone in Monroeville?
1223
01:21:59,651 --> 01:22:03,863
I sure as shit hope this pays better,
I tell you.
1224
01:22:07,575 --> 01:22:10,078
So why don't they just shoot you
with a puck?
1225
01:22:10,245 --> 01:22:11,287
What do you mean?
1226
01:22:11,454 --> 01:22:15,208
I mean, what does paintball
got to do with hockey?
1227
01:22:16,001 --> 01:22:17,669
Nothing, I guess.
1228
01:22:17,836 --> 01:22:20,463
- So ain't no prizes or...?
- No, no.
1229
01:22:20,630 --> 01:22:22,590
So, what are they paying $5 for?
1230
01:22:22,757 --> 01:22:25,885
To shoot a Broad Street Bully
in the balls.
1231
01:22:27,429 --> 01:22:29,347
White people are fucked up.
1232
01:22:30,181 --> 01:22:31,516
Yup, they sure are.
1233
01:22:31,683 --> 01:22:34,602
It's a living. You've been getting
the checks I've been sending?
1234
01:22:34,769 --> 01:22:36,938
Yes, thank you very much.
I appreciate that.
1235
01:22:37,605 --> 01:22:41,693
Probably didn't save you from a
brutal tongue-lashing, though, huh?
1236
01:22:41,860 --> 01:22:45,280
You know, the wife
never found out about the camera,
1237
01:22:45,447 --> 01:22:47,198
because I paid off the bills.
1238
01:22:47,365 --> 01:22:48,908
How did you manage that?
1239
01:22:49,409 --> 01:22:53,163
- Because now I'm Oprah rich.
- No way.
1240
01:22:53,329 --> 01:22:56,458
- The post office fucking settled?
- Hundred-sixty large, son.
1241
01:22:56,624 --> 01:23:00,587
- Nice, man. Congratulations.
- A beautiful day, thank you very much.
1242
01:23:00,754 --> 01:23:02,547
I thought
you made that whole thing up.
1243
01:23:02,714 --> 01:23:03,965
No, no. It was very real.
1244
01:23:04,132 --> 01:23:06,134
You can believe it.
1245
01:23:06,468 --> 01:23:08,803
Even though she's spending all of it.
1246
01:23:13,933 --> 01:23:17,062
Well, since you ain't gonna ask me,
I'll just go ahead and tell you.
1247
01:23:17,228 --> 01:23:20,940
- No, I have not seen Miri.
- I wasn't gonna ask that.
1248
01:23:21,107 --> 01:23:24,153
Oh, I suppose you weren't gonna ask
about your movie, neither?
1249
01:23:24,320 --> 01:23:27,656
Look, that's why I came down here.
I need you to come take a look at it.
1250
01:23:27,823 --> 01:23:30,534
- I'm not interested. Sorry.
- You'd better get interested
1251
01:23:30,701 --> 01:23:33,746
- because you still owe me money.
- What's wrong with the movie?
1252
01:23:33,913 --> 01:23:36,791
The story doesn't make sense.
1253
01:23:36,957 --> 01:23:39,543
- The story?
- The story doesn't make sense.
1254
01:23:39,710 --> 01:23:42,338
It's a fucking porno movie, man.
What story?
1255
01:23:42,505 --> 01:23:45,674
It's a movie, dog,
and a movie's gotta have an ending,
1256
01:23:45,841 --> 01:23:47,468
which we don't have at the moment.
1257
01:23:47,635 --> 01:23:50,513
Come shot, credits.
There's your fucking ending.
1258
01:23:50,679 --> 01:23:52,389
Do me this favor, okay?
1259
01:23:52,556 --> 01:23:55,226
When you're done
getting your nuts blown off,
1260
01:23:55,392 --> 01:24:00,147
come back to humble Monroeville
to my crib for a couple hours,
1261
01:24:00,314 --> 01:24:03,776
check out the flick,
you tell me what's missing.
1262
01:24:04,735 --> 01:24:05,861
No.
1263
01:24:06,112 --> 01:24:09,532
I'll tell you what, you do that,
you don't owe me shit no more.
1264
01:24:09,698 --> 01:24:11,867
- Really?
- Really.
1265
01:24:12,034 --> 01:24:14,286
- Is your wife home?
- Yes.
1266
01:24:15,371 --> 01:24:19,542
- Maybe I should leave the pads on.
- You got some extra ones?
1267
01:24:32,054 --> 01:24:33,139
Hey, honey.
1268
01:24:33,305 --> 01:24:35,975
Where the fuck you been?
And who in the fuck is this now?
1269
01:24:36,392 --> 01:24:38,060
Would you calm down, woman?
Goddamn.
1270
01:24:38,227 --> 01:24:40,688
You already left one white boy
down in my basement
1271
01:24:40,855 --> 01:24:43,732
while you off gallivanting and shit.
What if this motherfucker
1272
01:24:43,899 --> 01:24:47,236
- was all grabby on me?
- Ain't nobody wanna grab on you.
1273
01:24:47,403 --> 01:24:50,239
Oh, what in the fuck
is that supposed to mean?
1274
01:24:50,406 --> 01:24:53,325
- Ain't nobody wanna grab on you.
- White boys love me.
1275
01:24:53,659 --> 01:24:54,702
White boy.
1276
01:24:56,203 --> 01:24:58,247
- I said, white boy.
- Yeah?
1277
01:24:58,414 --> 01:24:59,832
You'd fuck me, wouldn't you?
1278
01:25:00,499 --> 01:25:02,084
- Should I say yes?
- Just say yes.
1279
01:25:02,251 --> 01:25:03,919
Yeah.
1280
01:25:07,089 --> 01:25:10,301
- Why don't you, uh, head downstairs?
- Oh, okay.
1281
01:25:10,467 --> 01:25:11,969
It's just through this hallway.
1282
01:25:12,136 --> 01:25:14,180
- Nice to meet you.
- You too.
1283
01:25:16,765 --> 01:25:18,267
What the fuck you looking at?
1284
01:25:18,434 --> 01:25:20,936
Why you gotta be yelling at me
in front of my director?
1285
01:25:21,103 --> 01:25:22,438
- Oh, he's a director?
- Yeah.
1286
01:25:22,605 --> 01:25:24,607
I didn't know that.
Shit, he's a director.
1287
01:25:24,773 --> 01:25:28,694
Well, why don't he direct my ass to a
new husband? How about that shit?
1288
01:25:28,861 --> 01:25:31,280
- That's the bedroom.
- Keep talking, maybe he will.
1289
01:25:31,447 --> 01:25:33,490
Oh, don't nobody
want them saggy-ass balls!
1290
01:25:33,657 --> 01:25:36,744
Saggy balls? Look at these
sagging-ass titties you got around here.
1291
01:25:36,911 --> 01:25:39,538
- You could tie these together.
- Motherfucker, we match.
1292
01:25:43,125 --> 01:25:44,585
Oh, shit.
1293
01:25:45,753 --> 01:25:47,755
Where's my paintball gun at?
1294
01:25:47,922 --> 01:25:50,633
Look at you, editor and DP.
You got your shit covered, man.
1295
01:25:50,799 --> 01:25:54,887
Please, don't ever say "shit-covered"
to me again.
1296
01:25:56,305 --> 01:26:00,100
Roll the film for the man, please,
so we can see what he thinks.
1297
01:26:00,267 --> 01:26:03,437
Just jump through it. I ain't
got all night. The bitch is on me.
1298
01:26:04,813 --> 01:26:07,608
"Nigga Rich Productions." Classy.
1299
01:26:07,775 --> 01:26:10,236
- Yeah, DreamWorks was taken.
- Was it?
1300
01:26:10,402 --> 01:26:13,072
Plus, it sounds like an underground
gay fuck club.
1301
01:26:13,239 --> 01:26:14,949
"I met a guy at DreamWorks." Yeah.
1302
01:26:15,115 --> 01:26:19,495
All right, so we got
Lester and Stacey fucking.
1303
01:26:19,662 --> 01:26:21,455
Then we got
Barry and Bubbles fucking.
1304
01:26:22,831 --> 01:26:25,084
And then this boring bullshit.
1305
01:26:30,172 --> 01:26:33,550
Okay, just, uh, go to the next scene,
would you?
1306
01:26:36,136 --> 01:26:39,306
- What next scene?
- The one with Miri and Lester?
1307
01:26:39,473 --> 01:26:41,392
We never shot it.
1308
01:26:42,017 --> 01:26:44,520
- Why not?
- Because after you left that night,
1309
01:26:44,687 --> 01:26:47,606
Miri came out of the backroom
and said she couldn't do it.
1310
01:26:47,773 --> 01:26:51,777
- We wrapped after that.
- Wrapped? So...
1311
01:26:53,153 --> 01:26:56,198
- Wait, so Miri...
- Never fucked nobody.
1312
01:26:56,365 --> 01:26:57,449
Just you.
1313
01:26:59,034 --> 01:27:02,705
Now, I wonder why she did that.
1314
01:27:06,375 --> 01:27:10,796
You see, there was a time when I was
just a bitter old fuck making coffees,
1315
01:27:10,963 --> 01:27:12,923
and Stacey was just a lap dancer
1316
01:27:13,090 --> 01:27:15,092
and Barry and Bubbles
didn't know each other
1317
01:27:15,259 --> 01:27:18,554
and this fool here,
hell, I don't even know what he was.
1318
01:27:18,721 --> 01:27:21,807
- A white supremacist.
- Man, fuck you.
1319
01:27:21,974 --> 01:27:23,809
Then two people come along
1320
01:27:23,976 --> 01:27:27,188
and showed us something
we didn't know existed.
1321
01:27:27,355 --> 01:27:32,360
A world of possibilities
where plain old people just like us
1322
01:27:32,527 --> 01:27:34,779
could do something special.
1323
01:27:34,946 --> 01:27:38,700
Even if it's something as simple
as filming people fucking.
1324
01:27:49,544 --> 01:27:52,839
Sometimes we just need someone
1325
01:27:53,006 --> 01:27:57,010
to show us something
we can't see for ourselves
1326
01:27:59,637 --> 01:28:02,057
and then we're changed forever.
1327
01:28:13,276 --> 01:28:16,529
So as you can see,
our movie ain't got no ending.
1328
01:28:18,114 --> 01:28:20,158
Every movie needs an ending,
don't it?
1329
01:28:24,871 --> 01:28:25,914
Peace.
1330
01:28:28,416 --> 01:28:32,170
Delaney,
you're a slick cupid motherfucker.
1331
01:28:32,629 --> 01:28:34,506
Ain't love grand?
1332
01:28:34,672 --> 01:28:37,717
Why the fuck is this white boy
running through my goddamn house?
1333
01:28:39,094 --> 01:28:40,804
Sometimes.
1334
01:28:53,775 --> 01:28:55,402
Miri.
1335
01:28:56,111 --> 01:28:58,530
- Miri.
- Zack?
1336
01:28:59,697 --> 01:29:01,157
Miri. I'm sorry.
- Get out.
1337
01:29:01,324 --> 01:29:02,826
- Close the door.
- It was closed.
1338
01:29:02,992 --> 01:29:06,204
- It was closed over...
- Just close the fucking door, Zack.
1339
01:29:06,371 --> 01:29:11,042
I never slept with Stacey that night,
okay? I swear to God.
1340
01:29:11,209 --> 01:29:13,336
When we got into my room,
you know what we did?
1341
01:29:13,503 --> 01:29:18,091
We talked about you, and us
and how things were different
1342
01:29:18,258 --> 01:29:21,261
and how I was
too much of a fucking pussy
1343
01:29:21,428 --> 01:29:24,013
to just tell you how I felt about you.
1344
01:29:24,722 --> 01:29:29,102
And I know... I know that that's only
because of all the stupid shit we said
1345
01:29:29,269 --> 01:29:34,566
about how we wouldn't let sex
change us, but it did. It changed me.
1346
01:29:35,358 --> 01:29:37,819
That has to be love, right?
1347
01:29:38,111 --> 01:29:40,405
It has to be love
1348
01:29:40,905 --> 01:29:45,034
and just so you know, I can't go back
to being just friends anymore,
1349
01:29:46,369 --> 01:29:48,204
- because I just can't.
- Good.
1350
01:29:48,371 --> 01:29:50,331
And I think...
1351
01:29:51,666 --> 01:29:53,293
I think that you feel the same way.
1352
01:29:54,127 --> 01:29:59,048
Because that night after I left,
you didn't fuck Lester.
1353
01:30:02,552 --> 01:30:04,387
What's up, Zack?
1354
01:30:14,772 --> 01:30:15,815
You know what?
1355
01:30:15,982 --> 01:30:18,693
I don't care that you're fucking
Lester, okay? How's that?
1356
01:30:18,860 --> 01:30:21,571
- Oh, shit.
- I don't wanna be with anyone but you.
1357
01:30:21,738 --> 01:30:26,534
So I will wait forever for you, okay?
I will wait the rest of my life
1358
01:30:26,701 --> 01:30:29,996
because I love you, and I have
for as long as I can remember.
1359
01:30:30,622 --> 01:30:33,875
And I would rather die
than be without you, Miriam Linky.
1360
01:30:34,042 --> 01:30:35,668
Miri's last name is Linky?
1361
01:30:36,503 --> 01:30:39,088
You're gonna fuck a guy
who doesn't know your last name?
1362
01:30:39,255 --> 01:30:42,091
Or that you beat up Carl Roth
in the sixth grade? I know that.
1363
01:30:42,258 --> 01:30:45,178
Or what your senior prom dress
would've looked like had we gone
1364
01:30:45,345 --> 01:30:48,264
but we decided not to,
and we got drunk alone instead.
1365
01:30:48,431 --> 01:30:50,433
Or that you washed your hair
in the toilet.
1366
01:30:50,600 --> 01:30:51,768
We're not fucking, Zack.
1367
01:30:51,935 --> 01:30:53,853
Or that you're not fucking Zack...
What?
1368
01:30:54,020 --> 01:30:56,105
I asked her to fuck me.
She wouldn't do it.
1369
01:30:56,272 --> 01:30:59,275
I even tried to talk her into giving me
the fucking Dutch rudder.
1370
01:30:59,442 --> 01:31:01,152
Shot me down on that too.
1371
01:31:02,278 --> 01:31:05,281
- And a Dutch rudder is?
- Don't know what a Dutch rudder...?
1372
01:31:05,448 --> 01:31:06,950
All right, you grab your dick,
1373
01:31:07,116 --> 01:31:09,160
then you have someone else
work your arm.
1374
01:31:09,327 --> 01:31:10,620
Here, let me show you.
1375
01:31:10,787 --> 01:31:13,957
All right, grab my arm. I'm grabbing
my dick, you're grabbing my arm.
1376
01:31:14,123 --> 01:31:17,293
Now work it. Work my arm.
See that shit? Work it up and down.
1377
01:31:17,460 --> 01:31:19,504
It's like someone else
is jerking you off.
1378
01:31:19,671 --> 01:31:20,713
Okay.
1379
01:31:20,880 --> 01:31:22,507
There's the double Dutch rudder,
1380
01:31:22,674 --> 01:31:24,968
which, I grab my dick,
you grab your dick,
1381
01:31:25,134 --> 01:31:27,721
you work my arm, I work your arm,
same time.
1382
01:31:27,888 --> 01:31:30,266
It's like jerking off together
but not gay.
1383
01:31:30,432 --> 01:31:32,935
We're not touching dicks,
each other's dicks anyway.
1384
01:31:33,102 --> 01:31:36,021
I'm touching my own dick.
You're working it, and I'm loving it.
1385
01:31:36,188 --> 01:31:39,108
It feels good, sir. Try me, come on.
1386
01:31:39,275 --> 01:31:41,860
Sorry to change the subject on you,
Lester,
1387
01:31:42,027 --> 01:31:47,700
but if you're not fucking Miri,
why is your dick out right now?
1388
01:31:47,866 --> 01:31:50,911
Because I live here now,
and I like to be naked.
1389
01:31:51,495 --> 01:31:52,997
- What?
- When you moved out,
1390
01:31:53,163 --> 01:31:56,584
she couldn't afford to pay her rent
by herself, so I moved in to help.
1391
01:31:56,959 --> 01:31:58,836
But you just came out of her room.
1392
01:31:59,003 --> 01:32:01,171
That's my room now.
She moved in your old room.
1393
01:32:01,338 --> 01:32:04,008
Wait, wait, wait. She changed rooms?
1394
01:32:04,174 --> 01:32:07,845
Yeah, she said she did it because she
missed the smell of you or some shit.
1395
01:32:10,180 --> 01:32:11,932
I don't smell anything.
1396
01:32:12,099 --> 01:32:15,019
But you know what?
That probably means she loves you.
1397
01:32:16,854 --> 01:32:19,898
- Night, Zack.
- Night.
1398
01:32:24,194 --> 01:32:25,321
Do you?
1399
01:32:28,240 --> 01:32:29,450
Then why are you crying?
1400
01:32:30,284 --> 01:32:32,745
Because I missed you so much.
1401
01:32:33,537 --> 01:32:35,205
Me too.
1402
01:32:36,457 --> 01:32:38,500
I love you.
1403
01:32:42,588 --> 01:32:44,381
- I love you, I love you.
- I love you.
1404
01:32:44,548 --> 01:32:46,050
I don't mean to alarm you
1405
01:32:46,216 --> 01:32:48,719
but I think I just jerked off Lester
a little bit.
1406
01:32:49,803 --> 01:32:52,139
- The Dutch rudder?
- Yeah, it's ingenious, right?
1407
01:32:52,306 --> 01:32:55,684
If you ask me nicely, I will
Dutch-rudder you the rest of our lives.
1408
01:32:55,851 --> 01:32:59,229
Good. I'm getting tired
of fucking the Fleshlight.
1409
01:32:59,396 --> 01:33:00,773
- You fucked it?
- Yeah.
1410
01:33:00,939 --> 01:33:03,484
- What'd it feel like?
- Like fucking a flashlight.
1411
01:33:04,068 --> 01:33:08,030
Wrong room.
- Oh, God. That's gross.
1412
01:33:09,239 --> 01:33:11,909
Let us fuck.
1413
01:36:11,589 --> 01:36:14,092
Hello.
Welcome to Nigga Rich Productions,
1414
01:36:14,259 --> 01:36:17,136
home of
Zack and Miri Make Your Porno,
1415
01:36:17,303 --> 01:36:19,055
the production house for the couple
1416
01:36:19,222 --> 01:36:21,850
looking to put a little spice
in their sex life.
1417
01:36:22,016 --> 01:36:25,478
- Shall we take a look around?
- Fuck me so hard. Oh, God.
1418
01:36:25,645 --> 01:36:29,607
First, you'll meet for a consultation
with one of our romance-ologists,
1419
01:36:29,774 --> 01:36:32,277
who'll coach you
through that initial awkward stage
1420
01:36:32,443 --> 01:36:33,987
before you're camera-ready.
1421
01:36:34,153 --> 01:36:38,700
So we will start off
with some erotic massage and some...
1422
01:36:38,867 --> 01:36:41,828
Dude. Some light petting.
1423
01:36:41,995 --> 01:36:43,538
That sounds good.
1424
01:36:43,705 --> 01:36:47,625
Are you guys sure you don't wanna do
some, uh, butt-sack work too?
1425
01:36:47,792 --> 01:36:49,836
- Uh, let's move on, shall we?
- Why?
1426
01:36:50,003 --> 01:36:52,297
From their break-out hit,
Swallow My Cockuccino,
1427
01:36:52,463 --> 01:36:54,924
to the multi-million selling
Swallow My Cockuccino II
1428
01:36:55,091 --> 01:36:57,176
and the award-winning
Star Whores saga,
1429
01:36:57,343 --> 01:37:00,305
including Revenge of the Shit:
The All-Anal Final Chapter,
1430
01:37:00,471 --> 01:37:02,307
Zack and Miri have proven
time and again
1431
01:37:02,473 --> 01:37:05,226
that they know how to shoot hot sex.
1432
01:37:06,185 --> 01:37:12,901
As an actor, I've sometimes brought
my work home with me inappropriately.
1433
01:37:13,067 --> 01:37:17,488
When you're telling your real-life lover
in the bedroom,
1434
01:37:17,655 --> 01:37:20,241
to, you know, bend over
while you cake your hand in K-Y,
1435
01:37:20,408 --> 01:37:22,911
it is a sign that the romance is dead,
I think.
1436
01:37:23,077 --> 01:37:26,581
Then we turned to the professionals
at Zack and Miri Make Your Porno.
1437
01:37:26,748 --> 01:37:29,876
Oh, my God,
they totally saved our civil union.
1438
01:37:30,043 --> 01:37:32,503
They filmed what was inside of us
1439
01:37:32,670 --> 01:37:35,256
and not what was coming out of us
necessarily.
1440
01:37:35,423 --> 01:37:37,842
It helped me see his asshole
1441
01:37:38,009 --> 01:37:42,722
as not just a come dumpster,
1442
01:37:42,889 --> 01:37:46,351
but a sign of his beauty, his flower.
1443
01:37:46,517 --> 01:37:50,188
It became a, uh, gorgeous orchid.
1444
01:37:50,355 --> 01:37:54,525
Orchids grow
in sort of the filthiest conditions.
1445
01:37:54,692 --> 01:38:01,324
That's what his asshole became to me.
This beautiful flower amidst shit.
1446
01:38:01,491 --> 01:38:04,035
- Honey, they get the metaphor.
- I don't think they do.
1447
01:38:04,202 --> 01:38:06,996
Let's just say,
thank you to Zack and Miri.
1448
01:38:07,163 --> 01:38:09,749
It's helped us out,
it's helped our friends.
1449
01:38:09,916 --> 01:38:12,085
Enrique? Park?
1450
01:38:12,251 --> 01:38:15,338
Park? Enrique?
1451
01:38:15,546 --> 01:38:18,883
Can we get a little love
for Zack and Miri?
1452
01:38:20,051 --> 01:38:23,638
They don't even know what's going on,
they're so pilled up.
1453
01:38:24,263 --> 01:38:28,226
But don't take his word for it.
Just ask our co-founders.
1454
01:38:28,935 --> 01:38:32,105
- Hi. I'm Miri Linky Brown.
- I'm Zack Linky Brown.
1455
01:38:32,271 --> 01:38:35,149
Here at Zack and Miri
Make Your Porno, we're dedicated
1456
01:38:35,316 --> 01:38:37,318
- to committing your love...
- Or lust.
1457
01:38:37,485 --> 01:38:40,571
- to high-end, quality production
digital video.
1458
01:38:40,738 --> 01:38:42,824
A forever keepsake of your passion.
1459
01:38:42,991 --> 01:38:45,952
That's right, Miri. Why set up a camera
at the end of your bed
1460
01:38:46,119 --> 01:38:48,788
and settle for one unflattering angle,
1461
01:38:48,955 --> 01:38:52,166
when you could let the professionals
dazzle and delight your senses
1462
01:38:52,333 --> 01:38:55,086
with an array of shots
so masterfully rendered
1463
01:38:55,253 --> 01:38:57,672
you'll swear
Martin Scorsese snuck into your room
1464
01:38:57,839 --> 01:38:59,549
and caught you fucking?
1465
01:38:59,716 --> 01:39:01,926
And remember,
we're not just the presidents
1466
01:39:02,093 --> 01:39:04,262
of Zack and Miri Make Your Porno.
1467
01:39:04,429 --> 01:39:06,848
We're also clients.
1468
01:39:08,266 --> 01:39:10,101
Call now to set up your appointment
1469
01:39:10,268 --> 01:39:15,398
or find us on the web
at www.ZackandMiri.com.
1470
01:41:26,405 --> 01:41:28,699
Way to fuck, Zack.
1471
01:41:32,700 --> 01:41:33,701
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