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0.5
00:00:45,026 --> 00:00:50,023
MetalHeadGR
-Subs4Series-
1
00:00:59,026 --> 00:01:01,023
Hello, everybody!
2
00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:03,797
Hello! Hello!
3
00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:10,037
Hello!
4
00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:12,835
Thank you so much.
5
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:16,139
What a welcome.
6
00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,241
Hello. Thank you, everyone.
7
00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:20,443
����� ������� ��� Grand Tour,
8
00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:24,012
...�� ����� ���� ��� ��������
������� ��� �� (�����) loch ness...
9
00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:27,783
in Scotland!
10
00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:29,051
Now...
11
00:01:29,056 --> 00:01:30,353
Exactly.
12
00:01:30,358 --> 00:01:32,155
Now, to most people
around the world,
13
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,723
Scotland is just
a bunch of scenery
14
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:37,360
and Mel Gibson with some
paint on his face.
15
00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:39,962
But actually it's
a bit more than that.
16
00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:43,166
What we have here is a list
of all the important things
17
00:01:43,171 --> 00:01:45,168
that were invented
in America, ok?
18
00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:47,570
This is what the Germans
came up with.
19
00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:49,938
Then we've got
the English contribution.
20
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:53,714
And then let's have
a look at what France did.
21
00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:57,980
That's it.
I'm not making that up.
22
00:01:57,985 --> 00:01:59,182
And the pencil sharpener.
23
00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,716
Oh, and the pencil sharpener!
24
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:03,719
Now let's have a look
at the list of things
25
00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:06,455
that were invented
by Scottish people.
26
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,962
It's just...!
27
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:12,695
It's unbelievable!
It's everything!
28
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:16,632
Cordite. Cloning.
Colour photography.
29
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,534
�������� �����.
30
00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:21,370
Golf, lime cordial. I mean,
the list goes on and on.
31
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:24,373
- Buick!
- ���� �����.
32
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,842
Why is the US Navy on there?
33
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:30,546
Not joking, that was actually
invented by a Scottish person.
34
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:33,449
- Was it?
- So was the BBC, so was the SAS.
35
00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:36,652
���� �� ������� ��������, ������.
��� ������ ���� �����.
36
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:40,331
If you are from Mexico
or France or Italy,
37
00:02:40,336 --> 00:02:41,624
you wake up in the morning,
open the curtains,
38
00:02:41,629 --> 00:02:44,059
it's a lovely day, think,
"I'll go to the beach."
39
00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:46,829
In Scotland
you open the curtains...
40
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,464
It's damp and cold:
41
00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:50,666
"I'll go to the shed
and I'll invent something."
42
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:52,735
That's what's going on there.
43
00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:55,070
I'm surprised, actually,
the English,
44
00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:58,140
don't just say that those
are British inventions.
45
00:02:58,145 --> 00:03:01,160
Ah, yes,
the Andy Murray syndrome.
46
00:03:02,117 --> 00:03:03,979
Let's be honest,
this does happen a lot.
47
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:06,014
Ok. Alexander Graham �ell,
48
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,650
...���� ������� �����...
49
00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:09,585
�� �������� ��� �������
���� ������� ���,
50
00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:11,692
...���� ���� ������ ���������.
51
00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:14,390
When he invented the telephone,
52
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,492
he was a British genius!
53
00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:19,328
Exactly the same sort of
thing happens with sport.
54
00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:21,430
Motor racing, Jackie Stewart.
55
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:24,166
Three times formula 1
world champion.
56
00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:25,601
Ok, he's British.
57
00:03:25,606 --> 00:03:29,272
Jim Clark. Two times
formula 1 world champion.
58
00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:33,449
British. David coulthard...
Scottish.
59
00:03:36,284 --> 00:03:38,647
That's how it works!
60
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:40,749
- It is, yes.
- Maybe we should explain
61
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:42,751
to people in America
what's going on here.
62
00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:44,820
Yeah, exactly. Let me
just clear this up for you.
63
00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:46,855
This is how it works
on this side of the pond.
64
00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:49,792
This is britain. This bit is
�ngland, where we're from.
65
00:03:49,797 --> 00:03:51,627
This bit's Scotland,
where we are now.
66
00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:55,298
This bit's wales, which
is next to where I live.
67
00:03:55,303 --> 00:03:57,132
Exactly. The rules
are very simple.
68
00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:58,667
If you're English
69
00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:01,136
and you become brilliant
or do something brilliant,
70
00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:02,671
you remain English.
71
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,307
If you're Scottish or welsh
72
00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:05,841
and you do something brilliant,
73
00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:11,013
the English decide that
you are, in fact, British.
74
00:04:11,015 --> 00:04:13,620
�� ������ ����� �������������,
aren't they?!
75
00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:17,324
They are!
76
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,325
I tell you what,
i love being in Scotland
77
00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:24,627
because everyone here
speaks their mind.
78
00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,695
��� ������� ���������.
79
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:29,064
The town of larkhall in
Scotland, their welcome sign,
80
00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,876
here we go.
81
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:40,108
This is Scotland.
82
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,345
It's not just words,
either, it's actions.
83
00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:44,580
Do you remember that terrorist
attack at Glasgow airport
84
00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:46,248
a couple of years ago?
85
00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:48,984
Somebody tried to explode...
Bomb didn't go off.
86
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,686
He ran off and he
didn't get very far
87
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:53,611
because this happened.
88
00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:01,969
The Scottish way.
That is the Scottish way.
89
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,668
And um...
90
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:09,271
Interestingly, there have been no
terrorist attacks in Scotland since.
91
00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:11,540
Just thinking about that
for a second.
92
00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,175
When he kicked him,
he must have broken his foot
93
00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:14,677
...��� ������ ��� �����.
94
00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:16,845
- Yeah.
- Which means the guy's plums
95
00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:20,470
were in the middle
of the impact.
96
00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:23,419
When that terrorist
woke up that morning,
97
00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:24,887
he must've thought, "right",
98
00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:27,055
"the worst thing
that'll happen to me today
99
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,223
is I'm gonna blow up."
100
00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:29,792
It wasn't, though, was it?
101
00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:32,895
Cos the only thing to explode
was his knackers.
102
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:35,431
- Can we get on with the show?
- Yes. Good idea.
103
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:38,401
Because in tonight's
car programme...
104
00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:41,626
I urinate on an engine...
105
00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:45,410
Richard ������ ���������...
106
00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:49,165
And James takes drugs.
107
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,815
But first, I want
to talk about fiat.
108
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,150
They're mostly known
these days for the 500,
109
00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:57,052
which is a small
retro hatchback.
110
00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:59,054
But after an absence
of more than a decade,
111
00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:01,424
they are back in
the sports car game.
112
00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:03,091
So I went down to the �boladrome
113
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:05,298
to check out what
they've come up with.
114
00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:22,478
Here it is.
And as with the 500,
115
00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:23,879
you can tell straightaway
116
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:27,483
that fiat are playing
the nostalgia card...
117
00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:31,454
because this car is
called the 124 spider,
118
00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:36,792
in honour of their rear-wheel
drive roadster from the '70s.
119
00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,861
Under the skin, though,
120
00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:44,232
the 124 is based on the
thoroughly modern Mazda mx-5.
121
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:47,670
Fiat supply some important
things like the engine
122
00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:49,371
and the body,
123
00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:50,839
but both cars are built
124
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,743
on the same production
line in Japan.
125
00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:57,580
On the surface,
that is no bad thing.
126
00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:59,482
You're gonna sleep
a lot better at night
127
00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:01,216
knowing that your Italian car
128
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:04,119
was actually put together
by the Japanese.
129
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,922
However, it does
raise a question.
130
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:09,858
Is that a sports car
in its own right,
131
00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:13,929
or just a Mazda with
a different badge on?
132
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,831
Well, before we find out,
133
00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:18,100
let's look a bit more
closely at the badge.
134
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:21,806
Because you'll notice
it says abarth.
135
00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:25,674
Abarth are fiat's
go-to people
136
00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:29,244
when they want to light a
fire under one of their cars.
137
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:33,415
Not light an actual fire, but
give what's already there
138
00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:37,525
...���� ����� �����
����� ��� �����.
139
00:07:40,287 --> 00:07:44,527
For starters, Abarth has tuned the
1.4 litre turbo-charged engine,
140
00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:50,556
so that this, the hottest
124, is faster than any mx-5.
141
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:55,345
0-100 takes 6.8 seconds.
142
00:07:56,877 --> 00:08:02,144
And the top speed is 233 ���.
143
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:06,854
But in a car like this
that feels like 233 million.
144
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,439
Certainly bundles for me.
145
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:16,258
And it's not just performance
where the 124 has the edge
146
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:19,928
over its Japanese
half-brother.
147
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,897
I have to admit, and this
comes from someone
148
00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:25,267
who struggles
to find fault with the mx-5,
149
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:28,308
the 124 does sound better.
150
00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:35,343
Abarth have given it something called
the record monza exhaust system.
151
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:40,753
What it does is make a small
car produce a big-car noise.
152
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,959
It's like a cat in a lion suit
153
00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:53,901
and that's exactly the sort
of panto you want.
154
00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:58,433
What I'm saying here is that
this car does its own thing.
155
00:08:58,438 --> 00:09:01,441
It has its own personality.
And that's important.
156
00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:08,148
But on the next point, the 124
does take a bit of a body blow.
157
00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:15,383
You see, there's a price to
pay for all this abarth-ness.
158
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:19,021
And that price is £30,000.
159
00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:22,625
£5,000 more
than the top mx-5.
160
00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:27,529
That said, the 124 does give
you more under the skin,
161
00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:32,400
most notably in
the handling department.
162
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:37,205
The thing is, abarth have given
this car a limited-slip diff...
163
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:41,114
Which makes sliding
something you command.
164
00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:51,854
The mx-5 doesn't have that.
165
00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:54,657
Neither does it have
this sport button here,
166
00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:57,965
which relaxes
the stability control.
167
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,033
Quite a lot.
168
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:14,576
So, what we have here
is a car that's fast,
169
00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:18,251
sounds good and is
great fun in the corners.
170
00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:24,357
But there's something else
very important about the 124.
171
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,625
I don't know that there's really
a million miles of difference
172
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,200
between this
and the mx-5.
173
00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:39,439
But everything I do in this car I'm
doing in an Italian sports car.
174
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:46,213
And it is impossible for that
not to put you in a good mood.
175
00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:51,814
It does feel so good to be in a
small, Italian roadster again.
176
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:54,817
It's about time.
177
00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:59,154
Everything about this little fiat
is designed to stir the emotions.
178
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,990
And make you smile like a child.
179
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,860
Right down to
the retro black bonnet.
180
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:07,229
God, I love a black bonnet!
181
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,732
It just... ooh!
182
00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:11,800
It's just... a black bonnet.
183
00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:15,938
Only cool cars
have black bonnets. Fact!
184
00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:18,573
I really like the mx-5.
185
00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:22,177
But the 124 has taken those
Japanese foundations
186
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:25,152
and added some
Italian showmanship.
187
00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:29,785
That's why I'd have it
over the Mazda.
188
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:33,293
I don't just like it, I love it.
189
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:43,131
It's interesting that,
because...
190
00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:46,434
As you know, I'm a sucker
for an Italian sports car.
191
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:49,237
Love 'em to bits
especially the alfa.
192
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:53,108
However, I've driven an
ordinary, cooking fiat 124
193
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:57,045
and that is not as good as
an mx-5, not even close.
194
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,114
That's true. You'd be better
off with the mx-5.
195
00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:01,784
Unless you want
the fastest mx-5,
196
00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:03,318
in which case buy the abarth.
197
00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:07,890
- Quite.
- Have we just done consumer advice?
198
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:10,258
A little bit. A little bit.
Moving on quickly.
199
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:12,260
Yes, we will, move it on.
And we'll find out
200
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:15,297
how fast the abarth goes
round the eboladrome.
201
00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:17,165
That, of course, means
handing it over to a man
202
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:20,002
who thinks that beards
were invented by Lenin.
203
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:23,305
Yep. It's the American.
204
00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:25,974
There he is, poised and ready.
205
00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:28,043
And he's off.
206
00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:30,012
With a skitter of wheelspin
207
00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:31,646
and a fruity noise
from the exhaust.
208
00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:36,684
Straight onto
a soaking-wet isn't strait.
209
00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:39,021
What the hell...
210
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:42,057
Has happened in my life...
211
00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:44,559
That I'm over here
driving a fiat...
212
00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:47,562
In the wet in england?
213
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:51,133
He may not be enjoying it
but he is very good at it.
214
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:54,402
As he carves the 124
through the standing water,
215
00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:58,841
making the best use
of its 170 horsepower.
216
00:12:58,846 --> 00:13:02,310
Really leaning on it as he
approaches your name here.
217
00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:03,846
That is ballsy.
218
00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:05,147
Now, heavy on the brakes,
219
00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:08,416
swoops round this fast
left-hander,
220
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:12,487
and exits with a skilful
flurry of stylish over-steer.
221
00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:14,222
Back onto the isn't.
222
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:16,959
Hell, I don't know
whether to drive this thing
223
00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:18,894
or use it for a spit-cup.
224
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,996
Charming!
225
00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:22,330
Nerds will note these conditions
226
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,867
would be better suited
to a barchetta.
227
00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:26,501
If you like this car,
228
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:29,872
I bet you got a lot of fancy
cushions in your house.
229
00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:31,339
Yeah, cos as we know,
230
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,375
cushions are,
of course, communist.
231
00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:38,180
Right, into the tight complex
of old lady's house.
232
00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:40,515
Keeping it nice and tidy
through there.
233
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:44,652
And now full power
for the lumpy, bumpy sprint
234
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,554
down to substation.
235
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:49,057
Front hazards coming on
under hard braking.
236
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:51,059
All fiats do that
for some reason.
237
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:53,428
Armful of opposite lock
into field of sheep.
238
00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:57,604
More exuberance through
there and across the line.
239
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:06,041
It was a ballsy entry into
your name here, that was.
240
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:11,146
Anyway... we must now find out
where it ends up on the board.
241
00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:13,015
Let's have a look.
242
00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:16,018
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, Hammond.
243
00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:18,020
So you've recommended what is
244
00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:20,388
officially the slowest car
in the world.
245
00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:23,926
Well... no,
slowest car on our board.
246
00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,827
- Our board is the world.
- It is.
247
00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:27,930
All right. Look, it was wet.
248
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:31,399
That lake's wet. Someone
once did 200mph on that.
249
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:33,801
- And...
- Then they were killed, I admit.
250
00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:35,103
- But...
- Quite, quite.
251
00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:36,404
Let's move on. It's time now
252
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:38,440
for us to take a gentle cruise
253
00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:42,615
down the velvety smoothness
of conversation street.
254
00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,653
- That really hurts.
- It did!
255
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,788
Just to be absolutely
clear with you,
256
00:14:53,793 --> 00:14:55,557
that really, really hurt.
257
00:14:55,562 --> 00:15:00,195
Yeah. It was supposed
to be a pretend bottle.
258
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,298
- Let's move it on.
- I would like to converse about something important.
259
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:06,501
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260
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:09,004
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����� ������� �����.
261
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,505
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262
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:13,108
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263
00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:15,377
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264
00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:18,480
...��� �� ����� ��������
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265
00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:19,982
����� ��� ���� ����.
266
00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:21,416
�����, �� ������
�������� ��������...
267
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,551
...����, �� ���������� ���������...
268
00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,320
��� � ����� ������� �������...
269
00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:26,989
...��� ������ �����
������ ������.
270
00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:29,357
I've got a picture here
of an old car.
271
00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:32,394
They didn't even extend
the roof to cover him!
272
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:33,828
Another three feet
would have done it.
273
00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,397
I think that's deliberate.
274
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:38,004
I think that's to remind him
that he's scum!
275
00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:42,070
What would you two like to
have instead of leather?
276
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,905
There's all sorts of things
you could use.
277
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,907
You could have
cable-knit wool.
278
00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:50,178
But it's nice, it's cosy.
Desperately looking around.
279
00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:53,081
- His jumper would make quite a good car seat.
- Cosy.
280
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:55,783
It's nylon! It is!
281
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,420
Or pleblon. One of the two.
282
00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:01,289
- It's a good idea.
- It isn't a good idea!
283
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,425
Or, how's this for an idea?
284
00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:05,293
Let me just throw it out there.
285
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,262
Why not take a cow,
286
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:10,432
turn the middle of it
into burgers and steaks,
287
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:13,168
and then, instead
of throwing the skin away,
288
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,603
use it to cover
the seats of your car?
289
00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:18,873
Because it's a terrible
material and it doesn't work.
290
00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,275
That's only because you two
291
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,110
have decided to be vegetarians.
292
00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,545
Well, no, hang on...
293
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:26,214
They have.
They actually have.
294
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,183
They woke up together
one morning and went,
295
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:29,484
"let's not eat meat
any more."
296
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,687
We didn't wake up
together one morning.
297
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,589
- Get clear on that.
- It's a fine definition.
298
00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:37,692
Mysteriously arrived at
the same conclusion
299
00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:39,061
pretty much the same day.
300
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,495
Anyway, we still eat chicken.
301
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,364
Yep. Chicken is a vegetable.
302
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,632
- It isn't.
- It is.
303
00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:47,369
Scientifically,
chicken is a vegetable.
304
00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:50,172
If you cut a chicken's head
off it still runs around.
305
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:51,673
There you go.
306
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,508
Thereby proving
it's not a sentient being,
307
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,243
it's a higher-order vegetable.
308
00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:56,644
Scientifically.
309
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,646
Ok, we'll make the seats
of your cars
310
00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:01,149
out of chicken skins. Actually,
that's not a bad idea.
311
00:17:01,154 --> 00:17:05,653
Wouldn't a chicken-skin seat
look like a giant scrotum?
312
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:08,356
Yes, and that's your fault
for not eating meat.
313
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,458
So now let's move on, shall we?
314
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:13,661
I've got something.
Back in the 1920s, ok,
315
00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:15,363
a Scottish company made a car
316
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,599
which they said was for women.
317
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:20,202
Got a picture of it here.
It's called the Galloway.
318
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:23,838
What about that car
makes it for women?
319
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:27,409
Well, they said it had a
smaller-than-usual steering wheel
320
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:30,512
- and a more reliable engine.
- Oh, yeah, of course,
321
00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:32,614
because men don't want
a reliable engine, do they?
322
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:34,349
- It's only women!
- I hate reliable engines.
323
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:35,983
Also, you can drive it
standing up,
324
00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:38,186
which is what women did
in the 1920s.
325
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:39,521
This sort of thing
is still going on today
326
00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:41,022
because I've got
news of one here.
327
00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,457
A car that's been launched
328
00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:45,393
called the seat mii
Cosmopolitan.
329
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,295
We have a picture of it.
There you go.
330
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:50,198
- How do you spell mii?
- M-i-i.
331
00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:53,301
- It's mii-III.
- It is mii-III.
332
00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:56,538
"I've got a mii-III."
333
00:17:56,543 --> 00:17:58,440
It's been done in collaboration
334
00:17:58,445 --> 00:17:59,707
with Cosmopolitan magazine.
335
00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:01,376
"It's aimed at
cosmo girl," it says.
336
00:18:01,381 --> 00:18:02,677
And, are you ready?
337
00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:04,512
"The headlights have
an eyeliner shape."
338
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:07,949
- No, they don't.
- "It's easy to park."
339
00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:09,484
Oh, yeah, cos...
340
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,686
I much prefer a car
that's hard to park
341
00:18:11,691 --> 00:18:13,855
because I'm a man.
342
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:15,490
Can we get something
clear here? Ok?
343
00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:18,493
This gender-splitting
of cars is ridiculous.
344
00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:20,662
It's like saying
a woman's airline seat
345
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:23,898
or a woman's matches
or a woman's anything.
346
00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:26,634
"Can I buy a box
of women's pencils, please?"
347
00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:30,472
Exactly. The only things I can think
of that can be split by gender
348
00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:34,309
- are bicycles, because of the crossbar.
- Yeah.
349
00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:37,617
- And underwear.
- Sometimes, yeah.
350
00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:42,016
Overshare?
351
00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:43,690
I said that out...
352
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:51,226
I left in a hurry.
353
00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:53,428
Honestly, I just
can't understand
354
00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:55,197
why people think
there's such a thing
355
00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:57,665
- as a woman's car and a man's car.
- Ridiculous.
356
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,301
It's not as if you drive cars
357
00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:01,336
with your old chap
or your magic triangle.
358
00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:03,710
And there's um...
359
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:12,885
- Listen...
- It's a little graphic.
360
00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:16,218
But a few years ago,
Volvo did a concept car,
361
00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:17,519
and they boasted very loudly
362
00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:19,487
that the whole thing
had been designed
363
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,456
entirely by women.
364
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:23,558
And I've got a picture of it.
365
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,993
It's a coupe with gull-wing
doors and a massive engine.
366
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,329
It's what everyone would do.
367
00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:29,264
I would definitely
have done that. Exactly.
368
00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:30,498
Men and women
are exactly the same
369
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,133
when it comes to cars.
The end.
370
00:19:32,138 --> 00:19:33,368
- Exactly.
- Right. Now...
371
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,902
You know Tesla?
372
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:37,972
Tesla believes it's
pioneering the electric car.
373
00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:40,608
But that ain't so. There was a
Scottish company back in the '60s
374
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,344
which made an electric car.
375
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:45,480
I've got a picture of it here.
Oh, god!
376
00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:47,048
It's called the scamp.
377
00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:49,984
It had a top speed of 35mph,
378
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:51,686
a range of 20 miles.
379
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,155
And I want to make it
absolutely plain,
380
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,057
that's Scottish, not British.
381
00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:59,727
It is, yes!
Very definitely!
382
00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:02,168
That...
That is Scottish.
383
00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:05,333
We can end the conversation.
384
00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:07,869
Now, all over the world,
385
00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:11,072
people, by and large,
buy very boring cars.
386
00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:14,376
I met a man yesterday
who'd just spent 9.200 �.
387
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,610
on a five-year-old
Ford focus.
388
00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:17,712
I thought, "why did you do that?"
389
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,381
If you've got 9.200 Euros to spend,
390
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:21,683
"why didn't you buy
a used Maserati?"
391
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:23,818
I think it's because
people believe
392
00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:27,789
if you buy the used, exotic
Italian car for £8,000
393
00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:29,557
it's going to break down
all the time.
394
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,859
Yes, but will it? To find out,
395
00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:34,762
we actually put
our own money on the line,
396
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:38,766
and we each went out and
bought a second-hand Maserati.
397
00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:41,803
Yes, and then we decided
that cars this glamorous
398
00:20:41,808 --> 00:20:45,507
and this exciting couldn't
possibly be tested in britain.
399
00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:50,683
So we decided to meet up
in continental Europe.
400
00:20:56,656 --> 00:21:01,623
This is the race track
we selected.
401
00:21:01,628 --> 00:21:04,326
It's just 60 miles from calais,
402
00:21:04,331 --> 00:21:06,833
and I arrived bright and early.
403
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:17,004
This... is a
Maserati biturbo.
404
00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:21,743
First car in the world to be
fitted with two turbo chargers.
405
00:21:21,748 --> 00:21:25,513
And this particular example
is the sought-after s model.
406
00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:29,351
And it's only done 24,000 miles.
407
00:21:29,356 --> 00:21:35,423
And yet despite that,
all I paid for it was £7,950.
408
00:21:35,428 --> 00:21:39,861
So you get all this glamour,
all this power,
409
00:21:39,866 --> 00:21:43,465
all that badge for less
than you'd pay in the uk
410
00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:46,272
for a six-year-old
Toyota "pious".
411
00:21:50,710 --> 00:21:54,709
Why has Richard Hammond
arrived in a Ford cortina?
412
00:21:54,714 --> 00:21:59,814
Wait. It isn't a Ford cortina,
it's another biturbo!
413
00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:03,050
- No, this is the 430.
- It isn't!
414
00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:04,452
- It is!
- Biturbo.
415
00:22:04,457 --> 00:22:05,687
This isn't a biturbo.
416
00:22:05,692 --> 00:22:06,988
- It is!
- That's a biturbo.
417
00:22:06,993 --> 00:22:08,390
Hammond.
418
00:22:08,395 --> 00:22:09,824
I'm sorry to have
to tell you this.
419
00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:12,694
But the ghibli, the racing,
420
00:22:12,699 --> 00:22:15,697
the karif, the shamal,
the 222 and the 430,
421
00:22:15,702 --> 00:22:18,466
they were all the same car.
They haven't got any money.
422
00:22:18,471 --> 00:22:20,502
They just changed the name
badge on the back.
423
00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,003
These are the same car.
424
00:22:22,008 --> 00:22:24,506
Yours is very ugly,
but it's the same car.
425
00:22:24,511 --> 00:22:25,840
I dispute that.
426
00:22:25,845 --> 00:22:27,742
This is not ugly,
this is elegant.
427
00:22:27,747 --> 00:22:29,511
- This is Italian style.
- It isn't!
428
00:22:29,516 --> 00:22:32,414
That is a fabulous-looking
car. Let's look at this.
429
00:22:32,419 --> 00:22:34,749
What have you got?
It's a bit gaudy, mate.
430
00:22:34,754 --> 00:22:37,089
You wanna hear
this baby fire up.
431
00:22:39,225 --> 00:22:41,288
Get out! Save yourself!
432
00:22:41,293 --> 00:22:44,325
Yes!
433
00:22:44,330 --> 00:22:45,593
Feel the power of that!
434
00:22:45,598 --> 00:22:47,595
Have you seen all this...
435
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,597
There's no other word
for it... oil?
436
00:22:49,602 --> 00:22:51,165
Yeah, that...
437
00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:52,266
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
438
00:22:52,271 --> 00:22:53,635
Happily,
439
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,336
before any more could flood out,
440
00:22:55,341 --> 00:22:57,243
James arrived.
441
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:04,846
Have you ever seen a more
ungainly-looking machine?
442
00:23:04,851 --> 00:23:06,848
What's the matter?
Is your door broken?
443
00:23:06,853 --> 00:23:09,717
No, I'm broken. Can you hold
the door for me? Thank you.
444
00:23:09,722 --> 00:23:14,822
Behold... the Maserati
zagato spyder.
445
00:23:14,827 --> 00:23:17,124
- Biturbo, mate.
- Zagato spyder.
446
00:23:17,129 --> 00:23:18,526
All biturbos.
447
00:23:18,531 --> 00:23:20,528
I think this was designed
448
00:23:20,533 --> 00:23:22,029
when it was owned by citroen,
449
00:23:22,034 --> 00:23:24,131
which was bankrupt at the time.
450
00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:25,800
Then there was
some guy in America
451
00:23:25,805 --> 00:23:27,635
who had a bit of Maserati.
452
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:29,471
And then the Italian
government, or fiat,
453
00:23:29,476 --> 00:23:31,305
they all sort of had bits of it.
454
00:23:31,310 --> 00:23:33,808
They ran around going,
"we made a new car. Look."
455
00:23:33,813 --> 00:23:36,043
It was exactly the same,
it just had a new name.
456
00:23:36,048 --> 00:23:39,113
Excuse me, James.
I just want to see just...
457
00:23:39,118 --> 00:23:41,483
Oh, you've got
two-tone leather.
458
00:23:41,488 --> 00:23:43,585
But why have you got
an automatic?
459
00:23:43,590 --> 00:23:45,653
I've bust my arm.
460
00:23:45,658 --> 00:23:47,622
That's why it took
a long time to get out.
461
00:23:47,627 --> 00:23:48,856
Have you really broken your arm?
462
00:23:48,861 --> 00:23:50,562
Which arm have you broken?
463
00:23:52,932 --> 00:23:55,162
It has made me murderously
bad-tempered
464
00:23:55,167 --> 00:23:57,799
and intolerant
of your fatuousness.
465
00:23:57,804 --> 00:23:59,233
Have you seriously
broken your arm?
466
00:23:59,238 --> 00:24:00,802
It's fractured quite badly.
467
00:24:00,807 --> 00:24:02,904
- Don't touch it.
- How did you break it?
468
00:24:02,909 --> 00:24:05,807
- I fell over.
- That's why you got an automatic?
469
00:24:05,812 --> 00:24:08,242
- Yes.
- Is that roof electric?
470
00:24:08,247 --> 00:24:10,950
- No.
- There's a button on the front.
471
00:24:11,851 --> 00:24:14,582
- Oh, right. So it is manual.
- Yes.
472
00:24:14,587 --> 00:24:16,818
Anyway, we must get off.
Come on, let's drive on.
473
00:24:16,823 --> 00:24:19,186
Can you put the roof
back up for me?
474
00:24:19,191 --> 00:24:21,360
No! I'm not doing that.
475
00:24:23,763 --> 00:24:28,262
We decided first of all
to have a drag race,
476
00:24:28,267 --> 00:24:32,333
between our cars and a
similarly-priced modern car...
477
00:24:32,338 --> 00:24:34,841
The suzuki "celery".
478
00:24:39,111 --> 00:24:40,847
Tense moment.
479
00:24:48,888 --> 00:24:51,686
Sadly, however, the pit
straight was too narrow
480
00:24:51,691 --> 00:24:53,926
for our four cars.
481
00:24:55,294 --> 00:24:57,559
What are you doing?
482
00:24:57,564 --> 00:24:59,899
Hammond, you idiot!
483
00:25:03,836 --> 00:25:06,568
- You crashed into my Maserati!
- You crashed into mine!
484
00:25:06,573 --> 00:25:08,570
I've got nowhere to go.
There's a barrier there.
485
00:25:08,575 --> 00:25:11,543
There was nowhere for me
to go. I was where I was.
486
00:25:12,612 --> 00:25:15,114
So, for the second attempt...
487
00:25:16,783 --> 00:25:20,119
I volunteered to go
down the pit Lane.
488
00:25:21,654 --> 00:25:23,990
Yes, this is genius!
489
00:25:25,658 --> 00:25:28,055
And that didn't work, either.
490
00:25:28,060 --> 00:25:30,592
Re-emerging on the track.
Hammond is there.
491
00:25:30,597 --> 00:25:31,959
What the hell?
492
00:25:31,964 --> 00:25:34,967
Oh, shit!
493
00:25:36,068 --> 00:25:37,632
Oh, my god!
494
00:25:37,637 --> 00:25:40,868
Arg!
495
00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:43,437
Why the hell can't we just
do a drag race properly?
496
00:25:43,442 --> 00:25:45,607
It can't be that difficult.
497
00:25:45,612 --> 00:25:48,843
After this latest accident,
we decided that,
498
00:25:48,848 --> 00:25:52,446
as Hammond's car had
the biggest engine...
499
00:25:52,451 --> 00:25:56,088
He'd represent Maserati's
honour on his own.
500
00:25:56,956 --> 00:26:00,526
Ok, this is it.
I am the elected driver.
501
00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:04,931
The chosen one.
The kingpin.
502
00:26:06,498 --> 00:26:08,100
I like that.
503
00:26:12,304 --> 00:26:14,473
Massive amount
of bleeping about...
504
00:26:15,274 --> 00:26:18,072
But then...
505
00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:23,349
Finally, it spools up,
turbos whizzing away.
506
00:26:26,518 --> 00:26:29,521
And yes!
Absolutely creamed it!
507
00:26:31,090 --> 00:26:34,055
Yep, they were right to pick me.
508
00:26:34,060 --> 00:26:38,230
And the car,
the 430... Maserati.
509
00:26:40,066 --> 00:26:41,796
Now you've established
that, as a team,
510
00:26:41,801 --> 00:26:44,431
our twin turbo-charged
maseratis are faster
511
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,768
than a 67-horsepower "celery",
512
00:26:46,773 --> 00:26:49,336
let's get rid of
the little Japanese car
513
00:26:49,341 --> 00:26:52,807
and find out which
of our three cars
514
00:26:52,812 --> 00:26:55,076
is the fastest round the track.
515
00:26:55,081 --> 00:26:57,011
We'll be driving maseratis
516
00:26:57,016 --> 00:26:59,580
on a race track
in continental Europe.
517
00:26:59,585 --> 00:27:01,282
Sounds good, doesn't it?
518
00:27:01,287 --> 00:27:04,256
What's the matter with you?
Why do you look so miserable?
519
00:27:05,992 --> 00:27:08,055
I've broken my arm.
520
00:27:08,060 --> 00:27:09,691
If we're gonna drive
round a track,
521
00:27:09,696 --> 00:27:12,994
can I at least have one of
those disabled knob things?
522
00:27:12,999 --> 00:27:15,096
- You know.
- On the steering wheel?
523
00:27:15,101 --> 00:27:16,698
Yeah, like a forklift truck has.
524
00:27:16,703 --> 00:27:18,204
Sounds fair enough.
525
00:27:20,272 --> 00:27:22,369
So, whilst our colleague enjoyed
526
00:27:22,374 --> 00:27:24,806
his special breakfast,
527
00:27:24,811 --> 00:27:27,241
Richard and I attached
his steering knob.
528
00:27:27,246 --> 00:27:28,714
There you go.
529
00:27:29,749 --> 00:27:32,118
And then we hit the track.
530
00:27:33,519 --> 00:27:35,382
The roots of this car,
531
00:27:35,387 --> 00:27:40,087
they were planted during
the 1957 German grand prix.
532
00:27:40,092 --> 00:27:43,390
Fangio, at the wheel
of his Maserati 250f,
533
00:27:43,395 --> 00:27:49,964
overcame a 48-second deficit
in 22 laps to win the race.
534
00:27:49,969 --> 00:27:53,134
He smashed the lap record
ten times.
535
00:27:53,139 --> 00:27:57,438
You don't lose
a pedigree like that.
536
00:27:57,443 --> 00:28:00,579
Here we go. Feel the tail
kick out a little bit.
537
00:28:01,580 --> 00:28:03,644
Or the front go.
538
00:28:03,649 --> 00:28:06,085
There's the back.
On the front.
539
00:28:07,486 --> 00:28:10,056
Oh, god. I've got it.
540
00:28:12,925 --> 00:28:16,123
Flying laps in a Maserati.
541
00:28:16,128 --> 00:28:19,065
This is exactly
what stirling moss did.
542
00:28:25,571 --> 00:28:28,640
Not exactly.
Bits of it are.
543
00:28:29,776 --> 00:28:31,839
Meanwhile, in the convertible,
544
00:28:31,844 --> 00:28:35,614
James was very unhappy
with his new steering knob.
545
00:28:41,788 --> 00:28:44,290
Oh, god,
it's the left-hander.
546
00:28:45,792 --> 00:28:48,990
Bend the knob.
547
00:28:48,995 --> 00:28:51,630
What is the matter
with those two?
548
00:28:55,935 --> 00:28:57,403
We're ok.
We're in good shape.
549
00:28:58,905 --> 00:29:01,502
No, we're not!
550
00:29:01,507 --> 00:29:03,537
Despite my
lucky-dip handling,
551
00:29:03,542 --> 00:29:06,178
I did eventually catch Hammond.
552
00:29:09,181 --> 00:29:11,112
Take him!
Take him on the inside!
553
00:29:11,117 --> 00:29:13,119
Yes!
554
00:29:13,719 --> 00:29:15,421
Yes!
555
00:29:17,323 --> 00:29:18,857
No!
556
00:29:21,460 --> 00:29:23,229
Arg!
557
00:29:24,831 --> 00:29:27,199
No, I... oh, god, strewth.
558
00:29:28,534 --> 00:29:30,832
He's going surely now!
559
00:29:30,837 --> 00:29:32,604
Jesus!
560
00:29:35,707 --> 00:29:39,778
It just has too many
horsepowers here. Come on!
561
00:29:41,948 --> 00:29:43,515
Oh, shit.
562
00:29:47,219 --> 00:29:49,583
Mr clarkson
is indisposed briefly.
563
00:29:49,588 --> 00:29:53,620
And moments later,
so was mr Hammond.
564
00:29:53,625 --> 00:29:55,661
No, no, no!
565
00:29:56,628 --> 00:29:58,659
Come on!
566
00:29:58,664 --> 00:30:03,297
So, having learned
absolutely nothing at all...
567
00:30:03,302 --> 00:30:06,200
We decided to abandon
the race track
568
00:30:06,205 --> 00:30:08,802
and embark on
a 700-mile cruise
569
00:30:08,807 --> 00:30:11,572
to the south of France.
570
00:30:11,577 --> 00:30:15,109
James was very pleased
with this plan.
571
00:30:15,114 --> 00:30:17,211
This is more like it, isn't it?
572
00:30:17,216 --> 00:30:18,880
Not mucking around
on a race track,
573
00:30:18,885 --> 00:30:21,082
which is always
a bad idea in old cars.
574
00:30:21,087 --> 00:30:23,084
We're going on
a proper road trip
575
00:30:23,089 --> 00:30:24,919
to a lovely part of the world
576
00:30:24,924 --> 00:30:28,722
in very, very evocative,
exotic cars...
577
00:30:28,727 --> 00:30:30,429
Maserati!
578
00:30:31,931 --> 00:30:34,761
In the 1970s, Maserati
was naming all its cars
579
00:30:34,766 --> 00:30:38,199
after... exotic-sounding
warm winds:
580
00:30:38,204 --> 00:30:41,473
Mistral, khamsin, bora.
581
00:30:43,309 --> 00:30:46,007
When I was a kid
growing up in doncaster,
582
00:30:46,012 --> 00:30:47,208
I just thought,
583
00:30:47,213 --> 00:30:49,376
"I've no idea what a mistral is
584
00:30:49,381 --> 00:30:50,882
but I want one!"
585
00:30:52,251 --> 00:30:55,216
Maserati. South of France.
586
00:30:55,221 --> 00:31:00,587
It just sounds right.
587
00:31:00,592 --> 00:31:02,456
However, fairly soon,
588
00:31:02,461 --> 00:31:05,659
reality began to stick
its unwelcome nose
589
00:31:05,664 --> 00:31:07,394
into the equation.
590
00:31:07,399 --> 00:31:11,933
You get no heat in here
and I can't de-mist at all.
591
00:31:11,938 --> 00:31:13,935
The brakes.
592
00:31:13,940 --> 00:31:15,702
It brakes one wheel very well.
593
00:31:15,707 --> 00:31:19,611
But only one wheel at a time.
And you never know which one.
594
00:31:22,982 --> 00:31:25,579
James, are my lights
dazzling you?
595
00:31:25,584 --> 00:31:30,517
- Yeah, a bit.
- Because they seem to be on main beam,
596
00:31:30,522 --> 00:31:32,019
but I can't dip them.
597
00:31:32,024 --> 00:31:34,488
If I put my
headlights on full beam,
598
00:31:34,493 --> 00:31:36,528
nobody coming the other
way flashes at me.
599
00:31:40,732 --> 00:31:42,796
You hear that rattling?
600
00:31:42,801 --> 00:31:44,903
That's the steering wheel.
601
00:31:47,473 --> 00:31:48,970
On top of the mechanical issues,
602
00:31:48,975 --> 00:31:50,371
there was the problem
603
00:31:50,376 --> 00:31:52,173
of James tackling
the toll booths
604
00:31:52,178 --> 00:31:55,013
in his right-hand-drive car.
605
00:32:05,391 --> 00:32:08,322
Ahh! Urgh!
606
00:32:08,327 --> 00:32:10,257
We've got 700 miles to go.
607
00:32:10,262 --> 00:32:14,300
It's going to take us
for ever at this speed.
608
00:32:15,367 --> 00:32:17,464
And then, to cap it all...
609
00:32:17,469 --> 00:32:21,773
Jeremy, there are sparks
coming from under your car.
610
00:32:23,009 --> 00:32:25,311
I think you probably
need to stop.
611
00:32:27,579 --> 00:32:29,643
- Oh, look.
- Something's on fire.
612
00:32:29,648 --> 00:32:32,413
- Fire!
- Right. Might have to piss on it.
613
00:32:32,418 --> 00:32:35,182
- Oh, no!
- Go round there!
614
00:32:35,187 --> 00:32:40,321
He's going to claim to be
an emergency service now.
615
00:32:40,326 --> 00:32:42,223
Annoyingly, our road trip
616
00:32:42,228 --> 00:32:45,797
wasn't proving to be as
stylish as we'd hoped.
617
00:32:47,399 --> 00:32:49,063
So, at the next petrol stop,
618
00:32:49,068 --> 00:32:51,165
with James failing to appreciate
619
00:32:51,170 --> 00:32:52,633
a present we'd bought for him...
620
00:32:52,638 --> 00:32:54,801
You used to have
a good sense of humour.
621
00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:57,438
I do have a good sense of
humour when you're being funny.
622
00:32:57,443 --> 00:32:59,706
- Which you are sometimes.
- I suggested a new idea.
623
00:32:59,711 --> 00:33:01,708
Listen, listen.
I've had a thought.
624
00:33:01,713 --> 00:33:03,677
South of France
is a long way away.
625
00:33:03,682 --> 00:33:07,481
So why don't we go to
the north of France instead?
626
00:33:07,486 --> 00:33:09,583
- Yes!
- That is a good idea.
627
00:33:09,588 --> 00:33:12,053
And there's much more
to see and do in the north
628
00:33:12,058 --> 00:33:14,388
than there is
in the south of France.
629
00:33:14,393 --> 00:33:16,823
What is there to see and do
in the north of France?
630
00:33:16,828 --> 00:33:19,826
Well, there's
the immigrant camp in calais.
631
00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:23,530
There's that square where
they set fire to a woman.
632
00:33:23,535 --> 00:33:25,504
Yes.
633
00:33:32,378 --> 00:33:35,414
There'll be other stuff.
There will be other stuff.
634
00:33:38,084 --> 00:33:40,519
Ok. Thank you very much.
635
00:33:41,820 --> 00:33:45,186
Thank you so much. Thank you.
636
00:33:45,191 --> 00:33:46,853
We'll pick that up later on,
637
00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:51,096
but now it's time to play
celebrity brain crash!
638
00:33:59,138 --> 00:34:02,103
- Yeah, it's still terrible.
- Awful!
639
00:34:02,108 --> 00:34:05,706
Ok, now what can we say
about our guest this week?
640
00:34:05,711 --> 00:34:10,144
He's Scottish, but he won
a gold medal at the Olympics.
641
00:34:10,149 --> 00:34:12,050
So of course he's British.
642
00:34:13,319 --> 00:34:15,316
He started out in cycling,
643
00:34:15,321 --> 00:34:17,484
then very wisely
took up motor racing.
644
00:34:17,489 --> 00:34:19,786
He actually competed at le mans.
645
00:34:19,791 --> 00:34:21,422
But today he's in a boat.
646
00:34:21,427 --> 00:34:24,029
Ladies and gentlemen,
sir Chris hoy!
647
00:34:25,631 --> 00:34:27,599
There he is!
648
00:34:28,267 --> 00:34:30,364
There he is.
649
00:34:30,369 --> 00:34:32,133
He's gonna be all right.
650
00:34:32,138 --> 00:34:34,535
He's rowing it
the wrong way round.
651
00:34:34,540 --> 00:34:38,139
The great thing is, everyone,
the great thing is...
652
00:34:38,144 --> 00:34:44,445
That loch ness is a peaceful,
inland lake with no hazards at all.
653
00:34:44,450 --> 00:34:48,249
We may finally get
a guest to the studio.
654
00:34:48,254 --> 00:34:50,417
Yeah, that would be great.
Get him in unharmed.
655
00:34:50,422 --> 00:34:52,519
- Come on, sir hoy!
- Come on.
656
00:34:52,524 --> 00:34:55,060
- Come on, you can do it!
- Oh, my...
657
00:35:04,470 --> 00:35:07,573
What happened?
How...? What...?
658
00:35:08,240 --> 00:35:11,004
Ladies and gentlemen...
659
00:35:11,009 --> 00:35:15,642
You've just applauded
the tragic death of sir hoy.
660
00:35:15,647 --> 00:35:16,810
Um...
661
00:35:16,815 --> 00:35:20,681
No idea. I think
he must have hit a mine.
662
00:35:20,686 --> 00:35:22,816
And there was a terrific
explosion,
663
00:35:22,821 --> 00:35:23,850
you may have seen it.
664
00:35:23,855 --> 00:35:25,352
And he's now...
665
00:35:25,357 --> 00:35:26,892
Well, he's gone, hasn't he?
666
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,091
Does that mean
he's not coming on, then?
667
00:35:31,096 --> 00:35:33,194
Well, James, he's exploded
668
00:35:33,199 --> 00:35:35,762
and been reduced
to chops and offal.
669
00:35:35,767 --> 00:35:38,432
So that is a no.
670
00:35:38,437 --> 00:35:40,434
It's ok.
I've got a backup plan.
671
00:35:40,439 --> 00:35:43,003
You know voice activation
systems in cars?
672
00:35:43,008 --> 00:35:44,371
They don't really work,
673
00:35:44,376 --> 00:35:46,507
particularly they don't
work in Scotland.
674
00:35:46,512 --> 00:35:49,042
As we shall now demonstrate
with a short clip
675
00:35:49,047 --> 00:35:54,481
of a man trying to pair his
telephone with his vauxhall.
676
00:35:54,486 --> 00:35:58,752
Pair.
You can say "pair".
677
00:35:58,757 --> 00:36:04,090
Select device. For
feedback, help or cancel...
678
00:36:04,095 --> 00:36:06,227
Pair.
679
00:36:06,232 --> 00:36:07,961
You can say "pair".
680
00:36:07,966 --> 00:36:10,063
I just said pair!
681
00:36:10,068 --> 00:36:12,233
Or cancel.
682
00:36:12,238 --> 00:36:14,268
Pair!
683
00:36:14,273 --> 00:36:17,304
You can say "pair".
Select device.
684
00:36:17,309 --> 00:36:20,307
For feedback, help or cancel...
685
00:36:20,312 --> 00:36:23,815
Pa-a-a-ir.
686
00:36:24,750 --> 00:36:26,151
Pardon.
687
00:36:27,819 --> 00:36:30,451
What I really love
about this guy
688
00:36:30,456 --> 00:36:33,687
is how long he perseveres for.
689
00:36:33,692 --> 00:36:34,855
Watch this.
690
00:36:34,860 --> 00:36:37,958
Pa-a-a-a-ir.
691
00:36:37,963 --> 00:36:40,294
Do you want to add
or delete a device?
692
00:36:40,299 --> 00:36:43,163
- Yes! Add a device.
- Pardon?
693
00:36:43,168 --> 00:36:45,266
Add a device.
694
00:36:45,271 --> 00:36:47,901
Using the pair function
and the external device...
695
00:36:47,906 --> 00:36:50,208
Yah!
696
00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:57,944
He was brilliant. Anyway...
697
00:36:57,949 --> 00:37:00,347
That is the problem.
That is the problem,
698
00:37:00,352 --> 00:37:03,684
but, Hammond,
i have a solution. Ok?
699
00:37:03,689 --> 00:37:05,986
No, don't scoff.
Don't scoff.
700
00:37:05,991 --> 00:37:08,622
This is a system that is cheap,
701
00:37:08,627 --> 00:37:10,657
works anywhere in the world,
702
00:37:10,662 --> 00:37:12,593
and you can fit it to any car,
703
00:37:12,598 --> 00:37:14,828
no matter how old it is.
704
00:37:14,833 --> 00:37:18,999
Let me show you
how it works, ok? Step in.
705
00:37:19,004 --> 00:37:21,201
Ready? Voice activation.
706
00:37:21,206 --> 00:37:23,609
Engage wipers.
707
00:37:26,312 --> 00:37:28,409
It's just a man!
708
00:37:28,414 --> 00:37:29,976
It's gavril from Bulgaria.
709
00:37:29,981 --> 00:37:33,619
He can do anything.
Right, select drive.
710
00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:37,689
There you go. Call bell-end.
711
00:37:38,890 --> 00:37:41,788
Now, he picks up the phone,
he does all the dialling.
712
00:37:41,793 --> 00:37:43,890
My hands are on the wheel,
I'm safe.
713
00:37:43,895 --> 00:37:46,627
He holds it next to my ear
so it's hands-free.
714
00:37:46,632 --> 00:37:48,634
Who's bell-end?
715
00:37:52,338 --> 00:37:54,435
- What?
- I don't want to talk to you.
716
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:56,837
End call!
717
00:37:56,842 --> 00:37:59,005
All right, then.
718
00:37:59,010 --> 00:38:01,107
Punch driver.
719
00:38:01,112 --> 00:38:03,076
Punch... it doesn't work.
720
00:38:03,081 --> 00:38:05,912
He won't respond to you,
only me. That's the genius.
721
00:38:05,917 --> 00:38:08,349
And it gets better.
Get out, ok.
722
00:38:08,354 --> 00:38:10,083
He locks the doors.
723
00:38:10,088 --> 00:38:12,753
And then he opens them
when I get back
724
00:38:12,758 --> 00:38:14,788
so I don't have to have
any keys with me,
725
00:38:14,793 --> 00:38:17,996
which would spoil the line
of my Jean trouser.
726
00:38:19,164 --> 00:38:20,694
Let me just re-cap this, ok.
727
00:38:20,699 --> 00:38:22,996
So in whitby you turned
a Romanian man
728
00:38:23,001 --> 00:38:24,965
- into a self-driving car.
- Yes, I did.
729
00:38:24,970 --> 00:38:27,067
You turned me
into a parking sensor.
730
00:38:27,072 --> 00:38:30,003
And now you've turned a Bulgarian
man into a voice-control system.
731
00:38:30,008 --> 00:38:33,674
- Yes.
- There's a theme establishing itself here,
732
00:38:33,679 --> 00:38:37,716
with your inventions, and
it is that you're a moron.
733
00:38:39,050 --> 00:38:40,614
A-ha. Ok. Watch this.
734
00:38:40,619 --> 00:38:42,883
You know, in a modern
BMW 7 series,
735
00:38:42,888 --> 00:38:45,051
you have back seats
that massage you
736
00:38:45,056 --> 00:38:47,759
- as you drive along, yeah?
- Yes.
737
00:38:49,695 --> 00:38:51,892
What I've done in here...
Is just genius.
738
00:38:51,897 --> 00:38:55,729
I have scooped out the middle
of that back seat, ok?
739
00:38:55,734 --> 00:38:57,931
And then you can fit it
with a dwan fen.
740
00:38:57,936 --> 00:38:59,900
- What's a dwan fen?
- She's here.
741
00:38:59,905 --> 00:39:03,408
She's from Thailand.
742
00:39:04,576 --> 00:39:06,773
I don't know why people
are laughing at this.
743
00:39:06,778 --> 00:39:09,910
She now blends perfectly
with the seat, ok?
744
00:39:09,915 --> 00:39:12,012
She is the seat.
745
00:39:12,017 --> 00:39:14,352
So I step in... like so.
746
00:39:16,187 --> 00:39:19,753
And then... I get a massage
as I drive along.
747
00:39:19,758 --> 00:39:21,655
Ooh!
748
00:39:21,660 --> 00:39:25,426
James, James... he's sitting
on a thai woman now.
749
00:39:25,431 --> 00:39:27,728
I know. Come back over here,
and we'll move it on.
750
00:39:27,733 --> 00:39:29,796
We'll go back to
the Maserati film.
751
00:39:29,801 --> 00:39:31,465
Now, so far we have established
752
00:39:31,470 --> 00:39:33,133
that I've broken my arm,
753
00:39:33,138 --> 00:39:36,437
but that the cars are working
really rather well.
754
00:39:36,442 --> 00:39:38,104
Yes! And we rejoin the action
755
00:39:38,109 --> 00:39:40,040
after a night in a town
called deauville,
756
00:39:40,045 --> 00:39:43,276
where Jeremy had, for reasons
known only to himself,
757
00:39:43,281 --> 00:39:45,078
decided to re-enact
758
00:39:45,083 --> 00:39:50,484
the famous vw golf
advert from the '80s.
759
00:39:50,489 --> 00:39:54,455
This is the man
who put a million on black
760
00:39:54,460 --> 00:39:56,294
and it came up red.
761
00:39:58,930 --> 00:40:02,028
This is the man
who married a sex kitten,
762
00:40:02,033 --> 00:40:05,270
just as she turned into a cat.
763
00:40:07,038 --> 00:40:10,571
This is the man
who moved into gold,
764
00:40:10,576 --> 00:40:13,478
just as the clever money
moved out.
765
00:40:17,949 --> 00:40:23,822
This is the man
who drives a Maserati.
766
00:40:31,930 --> 00:40:35,562
Start, you vicious bastard!
767
00:40:35,567 --> 00:40:40,333
Of course, being a Maserati,
it did eventually begin.
768
00:40:40,338 --> 00:40:45,038
So we then fitted James's
wheel with a new knob...
769
00:40:45,043 --> 00:40:48,146
And decided to go
and play on the beach.
770
00:40:56,855 --> 00:40:58,289
Ha-ha!
771
00:41:08,233 --> 00:41:09,796
You really would have
trouble doing this
772
00:41:09,801 --> 00:41:11,898
on a beach
in the south of France
773
00:41:11,903 --> 00:41:14,835
because the whole thing
would be covered
774
00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:18,605
in people turning their
plastic surgery brown.
775
00:41:18,610 --> 00:41:22,047
Ow-ow-ow-ow, ow-ow-ow-ow,
ow-ow-ow-ow-ow.
776
00:41:24,015 --> 00:41:26,112
In the sea!
777
00:41:26,117 --> 00:41:28,419
Whoa!
778
00:41:30,656 --> 00:41:33,324
You can take a Maserati
in the sea...
779
00:41:34,693 --> 00:41:37,958
Because the rust-proofing
is so good.
780
00:41:37,963 --> 00:41:40,994
After that, we enjoyed
a picturesque walk
781
00:41:40,999 --> 00:41:43,096
and a philosophical debate.
782
00:41:43,101 --> 00:41:46,132
Is there anything
on earth which is worse
783
00:41:46,137 --> 00:41:49,135
than having another man
put sun cream on your back?
784
00:41:49,140 --> 00:41:50,637
I've never experienced that.
785
00:41:50,642 --> 00:41:53,574
And then we played some sport.
786
00:41:53,579 --> 00:41:55,241
Penalty shoot-out
787
00:41:55,246 --> 00:41:58,416
in maseratis on a beach
in northern France.
788
00:42:08,827 --> 00:42:10,323
With our ball gone,
789
00:42:10,328 --> 00:42:12,225
we continued on
our tour of normandy,
790
00:42:12,230 --> 00:42:17,535
with our badly-built
colleague moaning constantly.
791
00:42:19,304 --> 00:42:21,367
Has he been swapped
for an old lady?
792
00:42:21,372 --> 00:42:23,670
He's always been an old lady.
793
00:42:23,675 --> 00:42:25,806
He was born an old lady!
794
00:42:25,811 --> 00:42:28,313
"Congratulations, mrs may.
It's an old lady!"
795
00:42:31,449 --> 00:42:36,082
As darkness fell, we reached
the ancient town of honfleur,
796
00:42:36,087 --> 00:42:38,118
where we decided
to spend the night.
797
00:42:38,123 --> 00:42:40,821
Unfortunately,
to reach our hotel,
798
00:42:40,826 --> 00:42:42,956
we had to navigate
through a maze
799
00:42:42,961 --> 00:42:45,931
of tiny, medieval streets.
800
00:42:48,834 --> 00:42:51,531
Pardon. Sorry.
801
00:42:51,536 --> 00:42:54,940
This is narrow.
Isn't it narrow?
802
00:42:57,308 --> 00:42:59,210
No.
803
00:43:02,648 --> 00:43:06,079
How did people manage in
this town in the olden days
804
00:43:06,084 --> 00:43:08,954
when nobody had power steering?
805
00:43:09,688 --> 00:43:11,222
Oh, no.
806
00:43:12,457 --> 00:43:14,960
I do that how?
807
00:43:17,896 --> 00:43:20,398
Oh, my god.
808
00:43:21,299 --> 00:43:23,368
I'm totally stuck.
809
00:43:26,738 --> 00:43:29,507
Ow, ow, ow, ow. Cobbles.
810
00:43:33,845 --> 00:43:36,281
God almighty.
811
00:43:37,716 --> 00:43:40,051
I'm not sure that's possible.
812
00:43:48,259 --> 00:43:50,691
Oh, for... is that...?
813
00:43:50,696 --> 00:43:52,458
You're in the way.
814
00:43:52,463 --> 00:43:54,761
It's a one-way street my way.
815
00:43:54,766 --> 00:43:56,062
It's a one-way street, yes.
816
00:43:56,067 --> 00:43:58,298
That's why me and the other cars
817
00:43:58,303 --> 00:44:00,166
are all coming this way.
818
00:44:00,171 --> 00:44:03,469
Please don't make me back up
with this steering.
819
00:44:03,474 --> 00:44:06,506
Come on, it's a workout.
820
00:44:06,511 --> 00:44:08,308
Hammond, I am gonna kill you.
821
00:44:08,313 --> 00:44:11,149
Moment, s'il vous plaît.
822
00:44:12,450 --> 00:44:14,514
Mon ami...
823
00:44:14,519 --> 00:44:18,551
Il a conduit-ay son voiture
824
00:44:18,556 --> 00:44:20,158
comme la gorilla.
825
00:44:23,494 --> 00:44:26,793
Vous devrez... le jambon
826
00:44:26,798 --> 00:44:28,962
prenez la rue à gauche
827
00:44:28,967 --> 00:44:33,399
et nous sommes les champignons!
828
00:44:33,404 --> 00:44:37,303
With Jeremy out of the way,
i could move on.
829
00:44:37,308 --> 00:44:39,205
But then...
830
00:44:39,210 --> 00:44:42,408
Hammond, is that you with
yellow lights coming up here?
831
00:44:42,413 --> 00:44:45,445
- Oh, my god.
- That's a bit of bad luck.
832
00:44:45,450 --> 00:44:47,647
You're going to have to
reverse up there, aren't you?
833
00:44:47,652 --> 00:44:50,583
I can't back up because
it's preposterously narrow
834
00:44:50,588 --> 00:44:53,353
and I can't swivel my head
round to look behind me.
835
00:44:53,358 --> 00:44:54,487
So now what?
836
00:44:54,492 --> 00:44:56,022
Well, I'm going the right way
837
00:44:56,027 --> 00:44:57,490
down the one-way street,
838
00:44:57,495 --> 00:44:59,159
so I have right of way.
839
00:44:59,164 --> 00:45:00,861
Urgh!
840
00:45:00,866 --> 00:45:03,930
Sorry, Hammond, you'll
have to direct me a bit.
841
00:45:03,935 --> 00:45:07,133
- Right a bit.
- My right or your right?
842
00:45:07,138 --> 00:45:08,668
Well, my right.
Which is your left
843
00:45:08,673 --> 00:45:11,071
but you're steering in reverse.
844
00:45:11,076 --> 00:45:12,806
Hold it there and I'll go left.
845
00:45:12,811 --> 00:45:14,240
Your left or my left?
846
00:45:14,245 --> 00:45:16,376
Your right, my left
as I'm looking.
847
00:45:16,381 --> 00:45:20,814
And your right as you're looking, I.E.
Your right.
848
00:45:20,819 --> 00:45:22,615
I had found the hotel,
849
00:45:22,620 --> 00:45:25,285
but clearly my colleagues
were going to be a while.
850
00:45:25,290 --> 00:45:27,821
When you say my left,
do you mean my left
851
00:45:27,826 --> 00:45:29,555
if I'm facing the way I'm going
852
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:31,057
or facing the way I'm facing?
853
00:45:31,062 --> 00:45:32,525
Good point.
854
00:45:32,530 --> 00:45:35,796
Your left is still my right.
855
00:45:35,801 --> 00:45:39,599
But you're going backwards.
Just drive backwards!
856
00:45:39,604 --> 00:45:41,968
I'm going to the hotel now
but I'll leave this on
857
00:45:41,973 --> 00:45:44,704
so you can stay in tune
with what they're doing.
858
00:45:44,709 --> 00:45:46,807
I don't believe
I've come the wrong way
859
00:45:46,812 --> 00:45:48,909
down a one-way street.
I know.
860
00:45:48,914 --> 00:45:51,878
Are you making your
situation better or worse?
861
00:45:51,883 --> 00:45:55,015
Better? Worse? Better? Worse?
862
00:45:55,020 --> 00:45:58,819
When Richard and James
did finally join me,
863
00:45:58,824 --> 00:46:00,320
we reflected over dinner
864
00:46:00,325 --> 00:46:03,289
about our time
in the north of France.
865
00:46:03,294 --> 00:46:06,126
It's been just
a tremendous journey.
866
00:46:06,131 --> 00:46:08,829
We've had three maseratis
out here for three days
867
00:46:08,834 --> 00:46:11,464
and we've only had
one minor fire.
868
00:46:11,469 --> 00:46:14,700
Can I just say, and I'm being
absolutely honest here,
869
00:46:14,705 --> 00:46:16,136
I love my Maserati.
870
00:46:16,141 --> 00:46:18,604
- I've totally fallen for it.
- Yes.
871
00:46:18,609 --> 00:46:20,706
I really like mine.
872
00:46:20,711 --> 00:46:22,208
No car makes a better noise.
873
00:46:22,213 --> 00:46:24,310
No two-litre car makes
a better noise than that.
874
00:46:24,315 --> 00:46:26,379
I love it more now
than when I started.
875
00:46:26,384 --> 00:46:28,214
I definitely want to keep mine.
876
00:46:28,219 --> 00:46:31,117
I want to know what it's like
to drive with two arms.
877
00:46:31,122 --> 00:46:33,219
Because we all loved
our cars so much,
878
00:46:33,224 --> 00:46:35,721
I decided we should
end our road trip
879
00:46:35,726 --> 00:46:38,124
with a spicy climax.
880
00:46:38,129 --> 00:46:41,361
Why don't we race
back to england, ok?
881
00:46:41,366 --> 00:46:44,602
First thing in the morning.
Last one back there...
882
00:46:45,436 --> 00:46:47,200
Has to sell their car.
883
00:46:47,205 --> 00:46:49,402
- Ooh, that's cruel.
- That's harsh.
884
00:46:49,407 --> 00:46:53,444
It's not entirely fair
on me, is it?
885
00:46:54,279 --> 00:46:55,441
Hello. Why not?
886
00:46:55,446 --> 00:46:57,878
You chose to come
equipped with one arm.
887
00:46:57,883 --> 00:46:59,345
It's your issue, not ours.
888
00:46:59,350 --> 00:47:02,448
So we set off from here,
all at the same time.
889
00:47:02,453 --> 00:47:06,291
Any route you like.
Last one...
890
00:47:06,892 --> 00:47:08,989
Back on English soil,
891
00:47:08,994 --> 00:47:10,323
has to sell their car.
892
00:47:10,328 --> 00:47:12,125
I'm up for it. I'll risk it
893
00:47:12,130 --> 00:47:14,194
cos that'll make the trip
home exciting.
894
00:47:14,199 --> 00:47:16,334
I'll do it. Last one home...
895
00:47:23,074 --> 00:47:24,938
As dawn broke,
896
00:47:24,943 --> 00:47:26,973
we lined up outside the hotel,
897
00:47:26,978 --> 00:47:28,975
ready for the off.
898
00:47:28,980 --> 00:47:30,911
Gentlemen, it's ten
to four in the morning.
899
00:47:30,916 --> 00:47:32,745
Let's do this.
900
00:47:32,750 --> 00:47:35,620
In three, two, one... begin!
901
00:47:44,229 --> 00:47:46,092
Blast!
902
00:47:46,097 --> 00:47:47,832
Come on!
903
00:47:51,202 --> 00:47:53,366
No! No!
904
00:47:53,371 --> 00:47:55,840
At all costs, I am winning this.
905
00:48:00,545 --> 00:48:04,544
This is typical.
Typical of Italian cars.
906
00:48:04,549 --> 00:48:07,013
They wait until you
really need them,
907
00:48:07,018 --> 00:48:09,983
and then they go wrong.
908
00:48:09,988 --> 00:48:12,018
"Oh, darling, darling,
I'm in labour! Quickly!"
909
00:48:12,023 --> 00:48:14,525
"Yes, I'm on my way
in my Maserati."
910
00:48:18,096 --> 00:48:20,598
Right. Up here.
911
00:48:21,499 --> 00:48:24,535
Some of this is familiar,
which is bad.
912
00:48:25,603 --> 00:48:28,701
Oh, no, not lost now.
913
00:48:28,706 --> 00:48:31,671
Once again,
I'd managed to coax my car
914
00:48:31,676 --> 00:48:33,139
into some kind of life
915
00:48:33,144 --> 00:48:34,975
and I was on my way.
916
00:48:34,980 --> 00:48:37,448
So, straight out of town.
917
00:48:38,984 --> 00:48:43,283
Sounding healthy.
918
00:48:43,288 --> 00:48:45,585
With a top speed of about 12,
919
00:48:45,590 --> 00:48:48,188
I was headed for
the ferry port of le havre.
920
00:48:48,193 --> 00:48:49,855
The trouble is that logically,
921
00:48:49,860 --> 00:48:52,930
the others would be
doing the same thing.
922
00:48:55,033 --> 00:48:59,670
Car, clear your throat, please.
923
00:49:01,672 --> 00:49:03,669
I'm out!
924
00:49:03,674 --> 00:49:05,776
Right, england, here I come.
925
00:49:08,279 --> 00:49:11,077
Clear your throat, car!
Clear it!
926
00:49:11,082 --> 00:49:12,812
Or we shall be last.
927
00:49:12,817 --> 00:49:15,886
And then I shall have to sell
you, and not to someone nice.
928
00:49:17,622 --> 00:49:19,685
You know that man who
has sex with his cars
929
00:49:19,690 --> 00:49:22,188
and then puts pictures of it
on the Internet?
930
00:49:22,193 --> 00:49:24,024
I'm going to sell you to him
931
00:49:24,029 --> 00:49:27,460
unless you get going.
Now, come on!
932
00:49:27,465 --> 00:49:30,163
- Hang on a minute.
- No!
933
00:49:30,168 --> 00:49:32,437
No, no, no, no!
934
00:49:37,075 --> 00:49:38,609
Big road. Yes!
935
00:49:41,046 --> 00:49:42,442
James, meanwhile,
936
00:49:42,447 --> 00:49:44,210
was dawdling along at the back.
937
00:49:44,215 --> 00:49:48,881
Yet he seemed strangely
unconcerned about this.
938
00:49:48,886 --> 00:49:51,817
On the face of it, viewers,
this isn't much of a race,
939
00:49:51,822 --> 00:49:54,287
because I've got the slowest
car, we know that.
940
00:49:54,292 --> 00:49:56,522
I only have the use of one arm
941
00:49:56,527 --> 00:49:57,823
and I'm steering
942
00:49:57,828 --> 00:50:01,161
with a squeaky frog
bolted to the wheel.
943
00:50:01,166 --> 00:50:03,829
However, it's not that simple.
944
00:50:03,834 --> 00:50:06,866
In fact,
945
00:50:06,871 --> 00:50:09,069
I believe I will be first.
946
00:50:09,074 --> 00:50:12,238
Because he who is last
shall be first.
947
00:50:12,243 --> 00:50:14,645
As we know.
948
00:50:17,815 --> 00:50:20,150
Coming up now to the motorway.
949
00:50:23,821 --> 00:50:26,056
Come on, car. Please!
950
00:50:29,494 --> 00:50:31,591
It's made it up the slip road.
951
00:50:31,596 --> 00:50:34,694
Have you ever known
a car with more spirit
952
00:50:34,699 --> 00:50:37,463
than this magnificent Maserati?
953
00:50:37,468 --> 00:50:41,267
However, the gradient
on the slip road was nothing
954
00:50:41,272 --> 00:50:43,641
compared to what lay ahead.
955
00:50:48,679 --> 00:50:50,581
Oh, my giddy aunt.
956
00:50:53,984 --> 00:50:56,349
Port, where is it?
957
00:50:56,354 --> 00:50:58,684
If I get there first, I've
got to wait for the ferry.
958
00:50:58,689 --> 00:51:00,853
They could catch up, but
I'll be ahead in the queue.
959
00:51:00,858 --> 00:51:03,989
Whoever gets on the boat
first gets off the boat first,
960
00:51:03,994 --> 00:51:05,325
and you can't change that.
961
00:51:05,330 --> 00:51:07,860
First on the boat
is first off the boat.
962
00:51:07,865 --> 00:51:09,165
They win.
963
00:51:18,976 --> 00:51:20,406
Right, calm, Jeremy, calm.
964
00:51:20,411 --> 00:51:22,442
You're on a motorway.
965
00:51:22,447 --> 00:51:24,277
On an enormous bridge,
966
00:51:24,282 --> 00:51:26,451
surrounded by many
heavy lorries.
967
00:51:29,420 --> 00:51:31,451
Oh, no.
968
00:51:31,456 --> 00:51:33,886
I can hear
the exhaust spluttering.
969
00:51:33,891 --> 00:51:37,662
Smoke. A lot of smoke now.
970
00:51:39,964 --> 00:51:43,468
Please! Please work!
971
00:51:44,735 --> 00:51:48,168
Mercifully, I reach
the top of the bridge.
972
00:51:48,173 --> 00:51:51,008
But then...
973
00:51:54,078 --> 00:51:55,441
It's dead.
974
00:51:55,446 --> 00:51:58,378
Shit, I've lost braking.
I have lost braking.
975
00:51:58,383 --> 00:52:01,447
Bloody hell. Handbrake
not working, either.
976
00:52:01,452 --> 00:52:03,983
I've lost all brakes.
977
00:52:03,988 --> 00:52:06,524
There was only one thing for it.
978
00:52:10,895 --> 00:52:12,492
I have no brakes!
979
00:52:12,497 --> 00:52:13,993
You've just hit our car!
980
00:52:13,998 --> 00:52:15,295
I haven't got any brakes!
981
00:52:15,300 --> 00:52:16,929
They're not pleased
982
00:52:16,934 --> 00:52:19,699
about being used as a brake.
983
00:52:19,704 --> 00:52:21,201
This is totally illegal,
by the way,
984
00:52:21,206 --> 00:52:22,202
on a French motorway.
985
00:52:22,207 --> 00:52:24,337
Right, so I've no brakes
986
00:52:24,342 --> 00:52:26,010
and no engine.
987
00:52:31,316 --> 00:52:33,751
Think, Jeremy, think.
988
00:52:36,020 --> 00:52:38,718
Port. Yes, hello.
989
00:52:38,723 --> 00:52:41,221
Unaware of Jeremy's problems,
990
00:52:41,226 --> 00:52:43,828
I was keeping the hammer down.
991
00:52:45,330 --> 00:52:46,859
Holiday-makers!
992
00:52:46,864 --> 00:52:49,967
I hate holiday-makers!
993
00:52:52,102 --> 00:52:54,467
Trucks.
994
00:52:54,472 --> 00:52:57,670
I'm going to get caught up
with all the trucks.
995
00:52:57,675 --> 00:53:01,145
Meanwhile, back in the land
of captain cryptic...
996
00:53:06,617 --> 00:53:08,314
Do you know,
I'm so relaxed about this,
997
00:53:08,319 --> 00:53:09,649
I think, in a short while,
998
00:53:09,654 --> 00:53:11,951
I might stop for
a pleasant coffee
999
00:53:11,956 --> 00:53:14,825
and a read of the newspaper.
1000
00:53:17,295 --> 00:53:19,392
Not got time for you, mate.
I'm sorry.
1001
00:53:19,397 --> 00:53:21,799
Car! Car!
1002
00:53:24,001 --> 00:53:26,031
Oh, god. Another roundabout.
1003
00:53:26,036 --> 00:53:28,673
It's like I'm in the middle
of bloody town.
1004
00:53:30,641 --> 00:53:32,738
I need to find my own route.
1005
00:53:32,743 --> 00:53:35,145
There must be
sneaky ways through.
1006
00:53:41,619 --> 00:53:43,621
This could be good.
This could be good.
1007
00:53:52,062 --> 00:53:53,726
Down there.
1008
00:53:53,731 --> 00:53:55,700
Oh!
1009
00:53:56,734 --> 00:53:57,663
Dead end.
1010
00:53:57,668 --> 00:54:00,170
Not that way. Bloody hell.
1011
00:54:16,020 --> 00:54:20,124
My shortcut wasn't going well.
1012
00:54:23,928 --> 00:54:27,031
Where are they and more
importantly where am I?
1013
00:54:29,867 --> 00:54:34,066
This was a mistake.
This is making things worse.
1014
00:54:34,071 --> 00:54:36,135
It's just costing time.
1015
00:54:36,140 --> 00:54:38,103
And, as it turned out,
1016
00:54:38,108 --> 00:54:41,341
time was something
i didn't have.
1017
00:54:41,346 --> 00:54:44,043
I am now down to one
turbo charger,
1018
00:54:44,048 --> 00:54:45,783
but I'm back in the race.
1019
00:54:49,354 --> 00:54:55,220
Yes, I'm at the wheel of
a Renault dci 120 tow truck.
1020
00:54:55,225 --> 00:54:56,789
And what's more, I've decided
1021
00:54:56,794 --> 00:54:59,797
to head for the port
as the crow flies.
1022
00:55:02,633 --> 00:55:04,935
Oh, yes!
1023
00:55:09,106 --> 00:55:11,676
Oh, god, no!
1024
00:55:13,511 --> 00:55:16,013
This looks good.
1025
00:55:17,382 --> 00:55:19,349
Yes. Ferry terminal.
1026
00:55:20,184 --> 00:55:21,886
This is all correct.
1027
00:55:26,190 --> 00:55:27,420
That is Jeremy!
1028
00:55:27,425 --> 00:55:28,521
There's Hammond!
1029
00:55:28,526 --> 00:55:30,255
What is he doing?
1030
00:55:30,260 --> 00:55:32,730
Kill him!
1031
00:55:34,399 --> 00:55:36,701
I have to win. I have to win.
1032
00:55:37,902 --> 00:55:41,271
A roundabout.
Oh, bloody hell. Really?
1033
00:55:44,809 --> 00:55:48,273
The problem was that the port
of le havre is so vast
1034
00:55:48,278 --> 00:55:51,777
and so complex,
it was very easy to get lost.
1035
00:55:51,782 --> 00:55:55,185
This was still anyone's race.
1036
00:55:59,690 --> 00:56:01,554
Where is Hammond?
Where is may?
1037
00:56:01,559 --> 00:56:03,127
Where is the boat?
1038
00:56:04,562 --> 00:56:07,031
Come on, come on, come on.
1039
00:56:17,908 --> 00:56:20,444
This is wrong. This is wrong.
1040
00:56:27,752 --> 00:56:29,148
It's got to be down here.
1041
00:56:29,153 --> 00:56:31,388
Yes!
1042
00:56:33,758 --> 00:56:37,657
Did I have some carpet
stuck under the throttle?
1043
00:56:37,662 --> 00:56:41,265
Cos my dci 120's
going like a bastard!
1044
00:56:47,972 --> 00:56:51,475
Yes! This looks good.
This is the place.
1045
00:56:55,580 --> 00:56:58,778
Good Van. Good Van.
The boat is there.
1046
00:56:58,783 --> 00:57:02,319
There is Richard Hammond.
Is James may here?
1047
00:57:03,488 --> 00:57:05,150
No, he is not!
1048
00:57:05,155 --> 00:57:06,786
He is not.
1049
00:57:06,791 --> 00:57:08,993
Yes!
1050
00:57:10,661 --> 00:57:13,497
Ha-ha! No may?
1051
00:57:17,668 --> 00:57:19,298
No, and there wouldn't be,
1052
00:57:19,303 --> 00:57:21,567
because I was in
another part of the port
1053
00:57:21,572 --> 00:57:23,636
with my own travel plans.
1054
00:57:23,641 --> 00:57:26,005
Last night, after the other
two had gone to bed,
1055
00:57:26,010 --> 00:57:28,541
I arranged for our company yacht
1056
00:57:28,546 --> 00:57:31,677
to be waiting for me
in the harbour.
1057
00:57:31,682 --> 00:57:33,984
And there it is!
1058
00:57:39,524 --> 00:57:42,888
I simply drive up, hop aboard,
1059
00:57:42,893 --> 00:57:44,862
and then we'll be on our way.
1060
00:58:11,121 --> 00:58:14,053
- He lived, annoyingly.
- Hold on, hold on.
1061
00:58:14,058 --> 00:58:15,921
Hold on. Hammond.
1062
00:58:15,926 --> 00:58:17,757
I need to ask you about this.
1063
00:58:17,762 --> 00:58:21,326
Why did you stick
"deshabille" on my car?
1064
00:58:21,331 --> 00:58:24,063
Because you were disabled.
1065
00:58:24,068 --> 00:58:28,568
Déshabillé means
undressed, you moron!
1066
00:58:28,573 --> 00:58:30,435
Let's not get bogged down
1067
00:58:30,440 --> 00:58:31,971
with "ooh,
can't speak French."
1068
00:58:31,976 --> 00:58:35,808
Let's get to the point
which is, James may,
1069
00:58:35,813 --> 00:58:38,978
you lost and you broke
the company yacht.
1070
00:58:38,983 --> 00:58:40,746
- You did.
- Hang on a minute.
1071
00:58:40,751 --> 00:58:43,749
My car got closer to england
than yours did.
1072
00:58:43,754 --> 00:58:45,585
Yes, but the other thing
it got closest to
1073
00:58:45,590 --> 00:58:47,219
was the bottom of the sea.
1074
00:58:47,224 --> 00:58:48,921
All of that is irrelevant
1075
00:58:48,926 --> 00:58:50,656
because my car was the best,
1076
00:58:50,661 --> 00:58:52,491
cos it didn't go wrong at all.
1077
00:58:52,496 --> 00:58:54,126
Mine was perfectly reliable.
1078
00:58:54,131 --> 00:58:57,196
Mm-hm. Mine was as reliable
as James's arms.
1079
00:58:57,201 --> 00:59:01,333
And the extraordinary thing
is, no-one can work out
1080
00:59:01,338 --> 00:59:02,702
what was wrong with it.
1081
00:59:02,707 --> 00:59:04,970
It fell off the back of a lorry.
1082
00:59:04,975 --> 00:59:06,939
No-one can work out
what fault it had
1083
00:59:06,944 --> 00:59:09,775
that caused it to be on the
lorry in the first place.
1084
00:59:09,780 --> 00:59:11,877
And even nine months
down the line,
1085
00:59:11,882 --> 00:59:15,948
two trained Maserati mechanics
are totally stumped.
1086
00:59:15,953 --> 00:59:18,417
It is an unfathomable fault.
1087
00:59:18,422 --> 00:59:20,285
Yeah, so what we can conclude
1088
00:59:20,290 --> 00:59:23,623
from our exhaustive testing
in the north of France
1089
00:59:23,628 --> 00:59:25,691
is that if you buy
a used Maserati,
1090
00:59:25,696 --> 00:59:29,299
you have a 66% chance
of it working.
1091
00:59:30,367 --> 00:59:31,631
They're not bad odds.
1092
00:59:31,636 --> 00:59:32,965
You wouldn't say that
1093
00:59:32,970 --> 00:59:35,334
if you were having
an eye operation.
1094
00:59:35,339 --> 00:59:37,837
Exactly. And on that terrible
disappointment, it's time to end.
1095
00:59:37,842 --> 00:59:40,677
Thank you so much for
watching. Good night!
82173
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