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Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
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[narrator] You've laughed with them.
3
00:00:12,145 --> 00:00:13,514
You've cried with them.
4
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:19,319
They've been part of your family
for over two hours.
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00:00:19,386 --> 00:00:23,423
But now...on a shocking episode of Disjointed...
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00:00:24,391 --> 00:00:27,027
[narrator reads on-screen text]
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And it's Jake from episode four.
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No!
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[man] Oh, he's dead.
10
00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:46,313
[lively jazz music playing]
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00:00:51,318 --> 00:00:54,154
♪ He flew high, oh, so high ♪
12
00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:56,523
♪ He sailed up in the sky ♪
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00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:59,326
♪ But he banged his head
And now he's dead ♪
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00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:00,794
♪ Jake is dead now ♪
15
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,430
♪ He got high, far too high ♪
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00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:06,166
♪ He sailed into the sky ♪
17
00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:09,102
♪ He parasailed and epic-failed ♪
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00:01:09,169 --> 00:01:10,504
♪ Jake is dead now ♪
19
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:15,776
♪ He was feeling one with the universe
And made a mighty blunder ♪
20
00:01:15,842 --> 00:01:20,480
♪ A hundred feet above the earth
But now he's six feet under ♪
21
00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:22,416
♪ He flew high, oh, so high ♪
22
00:01:23,283 --> 00:01:25,552
♪ He sailed up in the sky ♪
23
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:28,455
♪ He banged his head
And now he's dead ♪
24
00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:30,390
♪ Jake is dead now ♪
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00:01:33,311 --> 00:01:34,461
Poor Jake Bone.
26
00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:37,698
Parasailed straight into the Ferris wheel
at the Santa Monica Pier.
27
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:40,350
Ugh. That's so horrible.
28
00:01:40,420 --> 00:01:41,435
- [Jake splats]
- Oh!
29
00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:43,370
Yeah. There's video of the moment he hit.
30
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:44,805
Send it to me.
31
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:48,809
- Hey, Ruth?
- [Ruth] Mm-hm?
32
00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:50,877
Can I talk to you
for a few minutes later?
33
00:01:51,144 --> 00:01:54,181
Oh, God. You're not quitting, are you?
I can change.
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00:01:54,247 --> 00:01:56,383
I'll stop stealing Skittles
from your desk.
35
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:57,884
It's just that I get so high.
36
00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:01,254
No, it's not that.
37
00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:03,790
I, uh, just need some advice
about something personal.
38
00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:05,192
Of course, Carter.
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00:02:05,258 --> 00:02:07,828
Helping people is my favorite part
of the job.
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00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:10,263
Wait, wait. Second favorite.
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00:02:11,264 --> 00:02:13,567
I'm always here for all you guys.
42
00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:15,669
And I'm here for my patients, too.
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00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:18,171
Medically, of course,
but also spiritually.
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00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:20,907
- Uh-oh. Here comes Goddess Ruth.
- If I could do something
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00:02:21,174 --> 00:02:22,476
about the parking, my people,
46
00:02:22,542 --> 00:02:24,578
I absolutely would.
47
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:28,315
Duck Dynasty,
it's about to be your lucky day.
48
00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:31,451
What the fuck?
49
00:02:31,518 --> 00:02:33,553
Free joints for everybody.
50
00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:35,622
[customers cheer]
51
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:48,300
Oh, great.
52
00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:49,770
Hey, Pete, quick, how do I look?
53
00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:52,205
- Through your eyes.
- Fantastic.
54
00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:55,509
- Hello.
- Hi.
55
00:02:55,575 --> 00:02:58,345
- [chuckles] You made it.
- So, this is the place, huh?
56
00:02:58,412 --> 00:02:59,413
[Travis] Uh-huh.
57
00:03:00,247 --> 00:03:03,617
My little cannabis kingdom.
Come on in. I'll show you around.
58
00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:04,718
This is my boy, Carter.
59
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,453
I'm not your boy, never have been.
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00:03:09,389 --> 00:03:11,892
- [laughs]
- Carter, this is, uh... This is Tina.
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00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:13,794
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
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00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:17,464
Wow, Travis, you dying?
63
00:03:19,566 --> 00:03:20,667
Is she your Make-A-Wish?
64
00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:22,202
[Tina & Travis laughing]
65
00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:24,303
Oh, he's kidding.
66
00:03:24,337 --> 00:03:25,739
- No, I'm not.
- Moving on.
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00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:30,777
- So, you own this place?
- Yes.
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00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:32,212
Well, no, I run it.
69
00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:34,347
Technically, someone else owns it.
70
00:03:34,414 --> 00:03:35,315
That would be Ruth?
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00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:37,517
Yeah. She's my mom.
I'd introduce you, but...
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00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,720
then you'd meet her. [clears throat]
73
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:44,891
Anyways, this is Pete, that's Jenny.
They work for me.
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00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:48,795
You know? But I treat them like equals.
75
00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:52,966
I'm impressed.
You've really got your shit together.
76
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,402
Oh, there's plenty more shit
where that came from.
77
00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:58,672
I am full of shit. [chuckling]
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00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:01,475
Oh, and this is Olivia.
79
00:04:01,541 --> 00:04:04,244
Olivia, I'd like you to meet Tina,
my girlfriend.
80
00:04:04,691 --> 00:04:05,746
Oh.
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00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:07,380
- Hi.
- Hi!
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00:04:07,881 --> 00:04:08,982
I love your shirt.
83
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,784
Thanks. It's...
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00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:11,851
It's mine.
85
00:04:15,288 --> 00:04:17,758
Anyway... I just stopped by to say hey.
86
00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:19,664
- I should really get to work.
- Oh, of course.
87
00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:21,261
- Tina's a makeup artist.
- Oh.
88
00:04:21,328 --> 00:04:23,730
She gives free makeovers
to homeless women
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00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,732
to prepare them for job interviews.
90
00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:27,901
Cool, heh.
91
00:04:29,336 --> 00:04:30,871
I sell drugs to people.
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00:04:38,678 --> 00:04:40,013
Awkward. [chuckles]
93
00:04:40,647 --> 00:04:43,617
She was into me a while back.
I had to shut that shit down hard.
94
00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:48,855
So... we still on for tonight?
95
00:04:48,922 --> 00:04:49,922
Oh, yeah.
96
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,326
All right. I'll give you a call.
97
00:04:56,329 --> 00:04:57,364
Bye.
98
00:04:59,185 --> 00:05:00,217
Woohoo!
99
00:05:00,242 --> 00:05:01,276
♪ You already know ♪
100
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,469
♪ I got fire, got oil ♪
101
00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:03,703
♪ Got wax, got shatter ♪
102
00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:05,372
♪ I got a blond on her back screaming ♪
103
00:05:05,438 --> 00:05:06,673
[woman] ♪ Black lives matter ♪
104
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:07,908
♪ Got weed
Got stacks ♪
105
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,309
♪ Got ice
Got drive ♪
106
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:10,783
♪ Got Becky from a Becky ♪
107
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:12,078
♪ On the 405 ♪
108
00:05:12,712 --> 00:05:15,081
[chorus] ♪ White girls and weed ♪
109
00:05:15,348 --> 00:05:17,918
♪ White girls and weed ♪
110
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:20,020
♪ All a brother need ♪
111
00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:22,455
♪ Is white girls and weed ♪
112
00:05:22,522 --> 00:05:24,024
♪ Huh, I got that pot ♪
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00:05:24,090 --> 00:05:25,926
♪ Got bottles
Got two degrees ♪
114
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,795
♪ I got your wife and your daughter
Both on their knees ♪
115
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:30,430
♪ Got trees
Got swag ♪
116
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:31,665
♪ Got models and a mic ♪
117
00:05:31,731 --> 00:05:33,099
♪ Got a bitch named Tina ♪
118
00:05:33,366 --> 00:05:34,601
♪ That I'm lovin' like Ike ♪
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00:05:35,101 --> 00:05:37,037
[chorus] ♪ White girls and weed ♪
120
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,105
♪ White girls and weed ♪
121
00:05:40,373 --> 00:05:42,676
♪ White girls and weed ♪
122
00:05:43,109 --> 00:05:45,445
♪ All a brother need ♪
123
00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,414
♪ Is white girls and weed ♪
124
00:05:47,914 --> 00:05:49,950
'Cause it's a rap song.
125
00:05:50,717 --> 00:05:51,717
I rap.
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00:05:52,619 --> 00:05:54,387
King of the trap music, y'all.
127
00:05:55,422 --> 00:05:56,556
[Travis barks]
128
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:03,096
Hey, Travis, we're low on Blue Dream.
129
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:05,932
Don't fuck with me, girl.
You know we rolling in that shit.
130
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:15,642
I'll just check the storeroom.
131
00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:31,958
[knocking on door]
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00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:33,560
Hey, Ruth?
133
00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:34,828
Oh, hey, Carter.
134
00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:40,600
- You see that girl Travis brought?
- Yes. I saw her on the monitor.
135
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:43,069
- So, what'd you think?
- Permission to speak freely?
136
00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:45,638
I mean, damn.
137
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,410
Yeah. I was gonna come out and say hi,
138
00:06:50,477 --> 00:06:52,479
but then I thought, why bother? I mean,
139
00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:55,615
- she's way too hot for him. Yeah.
- She's way too hot for him. Yeah.
140
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,651
Whew! [chuckles]
141
00:06:57,717 --> 00:06:58,885
So, what's on your mind?
142
00:06:59,986 --> 00:07:03,957
Well, uh... you know, I...
I've been smoking weed for...
143
00:07:04,724 --> 00:07:07,093
Medicating... for a while now,
you know, and...
144
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,162
And, uh... it's been good.
145
00:07:10,630 --> 00:07:11,731
- Helpful.
- Yeah.
146
00:07:11,798 --> 00:07:14,701
You seem so much more
relaxed and happier.
147
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:19,873
I mean, you're finally coming in late
and taking long lunches and...
148
00:07:20,807 --> 00:07:22,809
Yeah, every day, you give less of a fuck.
149
00:07:25,712 --> 00:07:26,980
Kudos.
150
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,683
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
151
00:07:30,216 --> 00:07:31,718
I mean, around here, I'm good.
152
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:33,920
But when I go home...
153
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:36,923
you know, whether I'm high or not,
I, uh...
154
00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:39,191
I feel alone.
155
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:41,794
And I am alone.
156
00:07:43,029 --> 00:07:46,066
And I've been keeping all this shit
bottled up way too long and...
157
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:47,901
I gotta get it out.
158
00:07:48,535 --> 00:07:50,837
Look. I'm ready to explode.
159
00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:54,174
Well, I am here to listen.
160
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:58,878
- I just...
- Hold that thought. I just gotta go pee.
161
00:08:06,553 --> 00:08:08,555
[theme music
& train-tooting effect playing]
162
00:08:10,557 --> 00:08:11,925
Welcome to a very historic
163
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:14,794
and politically relevant
Strain O' the Day.
164
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:17,597
Behold, the first ever cannabis
165
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:20,934
smuggled out of the People's
Democratic Republic of North Korea.
166
00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:24,204
It's called Pyongyang Green.
167
00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:29,509
Look at this lush, well-nourished,
leafy flower
168
00:08:29,576 --> 00:08:31,261
that has over a hundred times
169
00:08:31,285 --> 00:08:35,261
the THC of your sickly
Western degenerate bud.
170
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:38,852
Also, it doesn't give you the munchies,
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00:08:38,918 --> 00:08:41,554
which is very useful
if you're a North Korean.
172
00:08:42,789 --> 00:08:45,825
Now, this beauty was found
in a secret pocket
173
00:08:45,892 --> 00:08:48,261
in the knapsack of a dissident
who drowned
174
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,797
trying to escape across the Yalu River.
175
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,600
And we're selling it for 40 bucks.
176
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,737
I don't feel good about that.
177
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,006
We should either charge less
178
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:02,942
or donate that money
to refugee swimming lessons.
179
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:05,979
[Travis] Just read your lines!
180
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,213
But it's not fair.
181
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,582
We need to support freedom. I insist...
182
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:13,053
So, come on down to Ruth's
and pick up some Pyongyang Green.
183
00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:16,689
It's Kim Jong-Un-believable.
184
00:09:18,625 --> 00:09:19,926
Pick up your thumbs.
185
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,070
[phone clicks]
186
00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:31,738
[chuckles]
187
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:37,210
[phone clicks]
188
00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:42,214
[phone clicks]
189
00:09:42,949 --> 00:09:44,651
[Travis laughs]
190
00:09:44,717 --> 00:09:46,319
Oh... Tina's gonna love this one.
191
00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:49,355
Okay, you can stop now. I get it.
192
00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:51,925
Get what?
193
00:09:51,991 --> 00:09:54,861
You brought some girl here
to make me jealous on a Wednesday,
194
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,963
which is the one day you know
I don't shower.
195
00:09:58,898 --> 00:10:00,767
Okay, first of all, I didn't know that.
196
00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:02,602
Second of all, yikes.
197
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:07,273
Look, I brought Tina here
because she's a stoner,
198
00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:11,611
and I run a pot dispensary,
and chicks go nuts for that shit.
199
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:14,681
Like Tina's gonna tonight, dude.
200
00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:16,983
Ohh.
201
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,018
I get it, we're bros now.
202
00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:20,220
That's what we're doing.
203
00:10:20,987 --> 00:10:23,623
We're broing it up here in the bro room?
Fist bump.
204
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:26,926
No. No, this... This is good.
205
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:28,900
No, this works for me. 'Cause, you know,
206
00:10:28,939 --> 00:10:30,939
Bro-livia's got a date tonight, too.
207
00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:32,198
Tinder-style.
208
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:34,400
Gonna swipe that shit hard.
Get my dick on.
209
00:10:37,003 --> 00:10:39,072
- Well, now I need a shower.
- Yeah.
210
00:10:39,983 --> 00:10:41,040
You do.
211
00:10:41,107 --> 00:10:42,107
[chair clatters]
212
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,278
[mutters]
213
00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:52,385
I did three combat tours in Iraq...
214
00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:56,289
and I feel more safe there
than I do as a black man in America.
215
00:10:57,891 --> 00:11:00,293
Can't get more than two,
three hours of sleep at night.
216
00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:03,963
Plus, the last woman I was with...
I mean, I...
217
00:11:05,732 --> 00:11:07,033
I messed that up because of...
218
00:11:17,877 --> 00:11:19,312
Ruth, I feel guilty...
219
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,081
just being alive.
220
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:29,922
What do I do?
221
00:11:32,759 --> 00:11:34,894
[sighs] Whoa. I, uh...
222
00:11:36,829 --> 00:11:39,999
[sniffs] No, I'm sorry. Sorry.
I am putting a lot on you right now...
223
00:11:40,066 --> 00:11:43,937
No, no, no.
No. You never need to apologize.
224
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,773
I just, um...
225
00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:51,811
I need...
I need a little time to think about this.
226
00:11:53,813 --> 00:11:54,813
Yeah.
227
00:11:55,081 --> 00:11:56,249
[sniffs] Yeah, I'll, uh...
228
00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:59,319
- I'll just be at my desk.
- Sounds good.
229
00:11:59,953 --> 00:12:00,953
Yeah.
230
00:12:06,993 --> 00:12:07,993
Oh, fuck.
231
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:24,978
[Ruth] What's your problem, Ruth?
232
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:26,411
We got this.
233
00:12:27,847 --> 00:12:29,349
Thank goddess you're here.
234
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:32,418
I'm always here.
Now, what are you worried about?
235
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:35,922
You've given people great advice
your whole life.
236
00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:38,458
Remember when you told Cher to go solo?
237
00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:40,994
Well, that's true.
238
00:12:41,060 --> 00:12:43,463
I ran into her
at Jane Fonda's exercise class,
239
00:12:43,529 --> 00:12:46,265
and I just said,
"You know what? Lose the little guy."
240
00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:47,867
Exactly.
241
00:12:48,234 --> 00:12:51,871
You have within you the wisdom
of Gaia, the Earth Mother.
242
00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:54,974
But... But Carter is a 30-year-old man.
243
00:12:55,041 --> 00:12:57,510
He's a veteran with PTSD.
244
00:12:58,144 --> 00:13:00,346
I don't have the first clue
what to say to him.
245
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,382
Well, he came to you.
246
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:05,284
And that means he wants
to hear whatever you have to say.
247
00:13:05,918 --> 00:13:08,821
And that means anything you have
to say will be right.
248
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:11,524
But that doesn't make any sense.
249
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,459
I mean, isn't that presumptuous of me...?
250
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:15,995
You dare question me?
251
00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:17,530
I'm your inner goddess.
252
00:13:18,197 --> 00:13:20,133
Thunder and lightning!
253
00:13:30,943 --> 00:13:32,578
Jenny, does it smell funny in here?
254
00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:35,415
Well, it is Olivia's No-Shower Wednesday.
255
00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:38,673
No, I mean the plants.
256
00:13:38,719 --> 00:13:40,860
They've smelled weird
ever since you cleaned the tank.
257
00:13:42,288 --> 00:13:43,288
Oh?
258
00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:47,060
What do they smell like?
259
00:13:47,126 --> 00:13:49,981
Well, I'm getting a little... [sniffs]
260
00:13:50,099 --> 00:13:53,882
creeping lobelia and wolfberry. And...
261
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,103
I wanna say pigs' testicles?
262
00:14:02,241 --> 00:14:04,444
Pete, please don't be mad...
263
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,415
but I dumped my mother's
special herbal tea in the tank
264
00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:11,517
in a symbolic act of catharsis.
265
00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:15,221
I'm sorry.
I should've cleared it with you,
266
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:17,056
but sometimes you just gotta cathart.
267
00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:21,127
You fuck shitter!
268
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:22,595
You shitting fuck!
269
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,431
You put foreign substances
in the water my plants drink
270
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:26,691
without asking me?
271
00:14:26,715 --> 00:14:28,467
But you said they're
doing better than ever.
272
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:32,171
Jenny, unlike you, I don't have children.
273
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,542
- I don't have children.
- These are my children.
274
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:38,544
And I am responsible for raising them.
275
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:41,114
That means I'm in charge
of when they sleep,
276
00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:44,217
how much light they get,
what they watch on Family Movie Night,
277
00:14:44,283 --> 00:14:48,187
and most importantly,
what goes in their shit-fucking water.
278
00:14:48,254 --> 00:14:49,489
I'm really sorry, Pete.
279
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,290
I didn't think it was a big deal.
280
00:14:51,357 --> 00:14:54,394
It wasn't a big deal? If you were
on the compound where I grew up,
281
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:56,662
you'd have to spend a week
in the Big Deal Room.
282
00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:01,100
What's in the Big Deal Room?
283
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,669
I don't know,
because I never had to go there.
284
00:15:05,304 --> 00:15:06,304
Get out.
285
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:16,482
[sighs] I am so sorry, sheilas.
286
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:20,987
I've done dwumbled it again.
287
00:15:22,288 --> 00:15:24,490
Drango. [sighs]
288
00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:26,492
I'm a damn stroob.
289
00:15:27,693 --> 00:15:29,695
Ugh. Worse than a stroob.
290
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:31,463
I'm a failure.
291
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:35,935
[Sadie in Mandarin]
292
00:15:37,136 --> 00:15:38,337
I don't speak Chinese.
293
00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:41,207
[Sadie in English] I said,you're not a failure, Pete.
294
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,642
Wha...?
295
00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:52,318
So, Carter...
296
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:53,952
um...
297
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,256
over the years,
a lot of people have opened up to me
298
00:15:57,323 --> 00:16:01,561
about their problems,
and, frankly, most of those problems...
299
00:16:02,361 --> 00:16:03,729
and people, were stupid.
300
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:07,466
But not you.
301
00:16:08,234 --> 00:16:09,635
You really matter to me.
302
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:11,971
And on reflection,
303
00:16:12,038 --> 00:16:15,608
I realize that maybe...
I'm not the best person
304
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:17,577
to give you the help that you need.
305
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:21,180
But I have a friend
who's a clinical psychologist.
306
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,083
And he's really smart.
307
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:25,751
He deals with a lot of veterans.
308
00:16:26,018 --> 00:16:27,653
And I told him about you...
309
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,322
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
310
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,558
You told some psychologist about me?
311
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:34,994
Well, I didn't use your name.
312
00:16:35,061 --> 00:16:37,697
I just told him you worked here for me
as a security guard.
313
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:48,708
I came to you... in confidence.
314
00:16:48,774 --> 00:16:51,544
The first thing you do
is you pawn me off to somebody else,
315
00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:53,212
put my business in the street.
316
00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:54,331
You know, I could call
317
00:16:54,355 --> 00:16:56,675
ten psychologists about
all the crazy shit you do.
318
00:16:57,149 --> 00:16:59,452
But you know what?
I respect people's privacy.
319
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:02,154
The fuck, Ruth?
320
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,527
[sighs]
321
00:17:10,162 --> 00:17:11,697
So, what'd I miss?
322
00:17:12,431 --> 00:17:13,431
Christ.
323
00:17:17,236 --> 00:17:19,105
Wow. Gorgeous.
324
00:17:19,572 --> 00:17:22,074
[chuckles] The joint's not bad, either.
Am I right?
325
00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:24,677
[Tina & Travis laughing]
326
00:17:29,815 --> 00:17:30,816
Can you do me a favor?
327
00:17:31,317 --> 00:17:33,819
Find something wrong with her
so I don't go hang myself?
328
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,291
Nothing's wrong with her.
329
00:17:38,357 --> 00:17:40,493
Travis got himself a real hottie
this time.
330
00:17:41,127 --> 00:17:42,328
What do you mean this time?
331
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,264
My God, you're so pretty and so skinny.
332
00:17:45,331 --> 00:17:46,331
Shut up.
333
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,636
- Carter.
- Carter.
334
00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:54,240
The man, the myth, the missing person.
335
00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:55,408
[Dabby] Whoa.
336
00:17:56,175 --> 00:17:59,812
I gotta say, Carter looks way different
when he's not here.
337
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,647
- [Dank] Yeah.
- [chuckles]
338
00:18:02,281 --> 00:18:04,684
Yeah. That's a great observation, baby,
but no problem,
339
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,519
'cause Dank will now be Carter.
340
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:09,188
- Oh, yeah. I'll be Dabby.
- Yeah. Okay.
341
00:18:10,489 --> 00:18:11,489
[Dabby clears throat]
342
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:15,661
[in deep voice] ID and recommendation,
please.
343
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:19,765
Come on, Carter, it's me, Dabby.
344
00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:21,801
Oh, well, nice try, Dabby.
345
00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:24,570
But if you were Dabby,
then where's your boyfriend, Dank?
346
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:33,779
Oh, fuck.
347
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:35,681
I mean, he was just here.
348
00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:39,518
- Those guys are hilarious.
- Yeah.
349
00:18:39,585 --> 00:18:41,587
Yeah, we sponsor their YouTube channel.
350
00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:42,888
Another one of my ideas.
351
00:18:43,155 --> 00:18:45,391
Hey, yo, Dank, Dabby, join us.
352
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,493
[in normal voice] Heh. Well, yo,
what's up, Trav?
353
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:48,920
I would've been over here earlier,
354
00:18:49,161 --> 00:18:51,197
but Carter was giving Dabby
a real hard time.
355
00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:56,569
Well, Dank, Dabby, this is Tina.
356
00:18:57,269 --> 00:18:58,604
Ooh, Tina.
357
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:00,806
Tina Fey, Tina...
358
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,509
Fey Dunaway with murder.
359
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:04,644
Shh!
360
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:07,779
Tina.
361
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,316
You got what I like.
362
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:12,852
[Tina laughing]
363
00:19:14,186 --> 00:19:15,788
Come on, now. On your feet.
364
00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:18,891
[Travis laughs]
365
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,292
[laughs mockingly]
366
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:25,498
Mm-hm. Come on, now.
Give us a little twirl. Come on.
367
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:29,301
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
368
00:19:29,368 --> 00:19:30,870
I didn't say sit down!
369
00:19:30,936 --> 00:19:32,171
No, she didn't.
370
00:19:32,238 --> 00:19:34,240
[Tina laughing]
371
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:37,676
Okay, sit down.
372
00:19:39,945 --> 00:19:41,280
So, Tina...
373
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:42,714
let me ask you.
374
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:45,785
Who's your Dabby?
375
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,289
I'm sorry. These guys are crazy. I...
376
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,591
No, I love their energy.
377
00:19:52,658 --> 00:19:55,194
Oh. We got a lot of energy, Tina.
378
00:19:55,261 --> 00:19:56,595
Energy. E.
379
00:19:56,662 --> 00:19:58,631
E equals MC cubed...
380
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:02,334
Don't you fuck this up
with that wordplay shit, Dank!
381
00:20:03,235 --> 00:20:04,235
- Fuck!
- All right!
382
00:20:04,270 --> 00:20:05,337
- Fuck!
- All right!
383
00:20:05,362 --> 00:20:06,313
[Tina laughing]
384
00:20:06,338 --> 00:20:07,506
- Fuck!
- All right!
385
00:20:09,975 --> 00:20:11,544
- Guys?
- [Dabby] So, Tina...
386
00:20:12,578 --> 00:20:14,413
I'm just gonna put this out there.
387
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,615
You got great tits.
388
00:20:17,416 --> 00:20:18,416
So do I.
389
00:20:20,519 --> 00:20:23,322
We should get them together
for a little play date, hmm?
390
00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:28,260
Okay, okay. Look... Hey, Olivia.
[clears throat]
391
00:20:28,327 --> 00:20:30,730
Would you mind just getting Dank
and Dabby their free weed?
392
00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:32,543
Tina and I were gonna go get lunch, guys.
393
00:20:32,567 --> 00:20:34,567
Oh, cool. I could eat.
394
00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:38,971
I could eat for half an hour nonstop.
395
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,341
Like Pac-Man:
396
00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:43,776
[mimicking Pac-Man munching]
397
00:20:45,365 --> 00:20:46,454
Yeah.
398
00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:48,013
And I when I go down...
399
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:49,749
[in descending pitch] Euh, euh, euh...
400
00:20:49,815 --> 00:20:50,815
Oh, dear God.
401
00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:53,385
- [Travis mimicking Pac-Man munching]
- [Tina laughing]
402
00:20:55,020 --> 00:20:57,423
That is so interesting.
403
00:20:57,490 --> 00:20:59,558
I never thought of nitrogen
like that before.
404
00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:01,494
[chuckles]
405
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:03,262
So smart.
406
00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:05,531
[Sadie] We're smart because of you.
407
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:08,968
[Coco] You're the best daddy ever.
408
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:13,339
[Sadie] And that tea really helped, too.
409
00:21:13,405 --> 00:21:15,374
Really? You liked the tea?
410
00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:16,876
[Sadie] We loved it.
411
00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:18,778
- Right, girls?
- [plants] Yeah!
412
00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:20,644
- More tea!
- [plant 1 exclaiming in Mandarin]
413
00:21:20,679 --> 00:21:22,815
[plant 2] More tea! More tea!
414
00:21:23,516 --> 00:21:24,617
[Jenny] Pete?
415
00:21:24,884 --> 00:21:27,353
I'm sorry about what I did to the plants.
416
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:29,320
No.
417
00:21:30,322 --> 00:21:32,958
You've done a wonderful thing.
418
00:21:34,994 --> 00:21:36,662
[plants] Aw.
419
00:21:38,531 --> 00:21:40,366
Okay, you're starting to worry me.
420
00:21:40,766 --> 00:21:42,768
Well, this will make you feel better.
421
00:21:42,835 --> 00:21:44,904
The plants have something
they wanna tell you.
422
00:21:46,505 --> 00:21:47,606
Sadie...
423
00:21:48,507 --> 00:21:49,508
you have the floor.
424
00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:52,411
She's their leader.
425
00:21:57,516 --> 00:21:59,116
- Pete, I think...
- Shh, let her finish.
426
00:22:03,923 --> 00:22:05,024
Can you believe that?
427
00:22:05,858 --> 00:22:08,627
Twelve weeks old, and so eloquent.
428
00:22:10,396 --> 00:22:11,396
All right.
429
00:22:11,797 --> 00:22:15,000
Sadie, please tell Pete to smoke less
and get some sleep.
430
00:22:16,068 --> 00:22:17,703
[Pete laughing]
431
00:22:17,770 --> 00:22:18,770
What's so funny?
432
00:22:18,804 --> 00:22:20,940
That's not Sadie. That's Coco.
433
00:22:21,006 --> 00:22:23,008
[Pete laughing]
434
00:22:23,843 --> 00:22:24,977
[Dank coughs]
435
00:22:25,044 --> 00:22:26,946
Our next viewer question.
436
00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:30,516
- "Dear Dank and Dabby..." That's us.
- [laughs]
437
00:22:30,950 --> 00:22:33,352
"How are you not dead yet?"
438
00:22:33,419 --> 00:22:34,954
[both laugh]
439
00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:36,088
Oh, man.
440
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:38,991
- We get that one all the time.
- So much.
441
00:22:39,692 --> 00:22:40,926
Well, we stay in shape.
442
00:22:41,527 --> 00:22:43,362
We ran a Toyotathon last year.
443
00:22:43,429 --> 00:22:44,463
[both laugh]
444
00:22:45,497 --> 00:22:47,766
Also, we, like, smoke a lot.
445
00:22:47,833 --> 00:22:49,668
- And that's how you cure things.
- Yeah.
446
00:22:49,735 --> 00:22:52,404
Like bacon is cured with smoke.
447
00:22:52,471 --> 00:22:53,839
That's how they fix it.
448
00:22:55,908 --> 00:22:58,377
- [laughs]
- Fucking mind blown.
449
00:22:58,444 --> 00:22:59,511
Whoa!
450
00:22:59,578 --> 00:23:01,714
- Fucking mind blown.
- [mimics explosion]
451
00:23:01,780 --> 00:23:03,782
And I smoke any time
I'm not feeling good.
452
00:23:03,849 --> 00:23:07,720
Like one time I had a cold,
and I got high, and I got my cold high.
453
00:23:09,622 --> 00:23:11,390
Do you guys have any almond milk?
454
00:23:11,790 --> 00:23:12,925
Top shelf, babe.
455
00:23:26,105 --> 00:23:28,507
What are we gonna do about her, Dank?
456
00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:30,576
I don't know.
457
00:23:31,777 --> 00:23:35,047
This is why I don't like three-ways.
It's one way too many.
458
00:23:36,949 --> 00:23:39,652
- I'm a one-woman man, at most, baby.
- At most, yeah.
459
00:23:39,718 --> 00:23:41,086
And sometimes not even that.
460
00:23:41,153 --> 00:23:44,023
I'm like, "Get out of the room.
Let me tug my own penis."
461
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:45,089
Yeah.
462
00:23:46,025 --> 00:23:49,695
I mean, like, the... The sex...
The sex wasn't even that good.
463
00:23:49,762 --> 00:23:51,163
- So overrated.
- Yeah, it was...
464
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:54,566
- Just, like, bodies, sweat, moist.
- Bodies and sweat and just moist.
465
00:23:54,633 --> 00:23:56,233
- And just like... Guh...
- In the bed...
466
00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:59,004
- It was fucking awesome!
- It was fucking good!
467
00:23:59,071 --> 00:24:00,139
I fucking loved it!
468
00:24:00,205 --> 00:24:02,508
- Unh! Unh! Ow! Ooh!
- Ah!
469
00:24:02,574 --> 00:24:04,143
- Let's go fuck again!
- Let's fuck her!
470
00:24:04,777 --> 00:24:05,777
After you.
471
00:24:07,946 --> 00:24:09,948
[Dabby on-screen]
Oh, did you turn the camera off?
472
00:24:10,015 --> 00:24:11,684
[Dank on-screen] I'm pretty sure I did.
473
00:24:13,519 --> 00:24:15,921
So, Tina ended it with you?
474
00:24:15,988 --> 00:24:17,856
Uh... I think so.
475
00:24:18,490 --> 00:24:20,559
Pretty sure she lives
with Dank and Dabby now.
476
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:22,695
Well, you know what they say.
477
00:24:23,495 --> 00:24:26,465
If you love someone,
give them to two ridiculous stoners.
478
00:24:26,899 --> 00:24:29,501
And if they come back,
then you really don't want them.
479
00:24:33,772 --> 00:24:36,108
Hey. Are you okay?
480
00:24:37,776 --> 00:24:38,811
Yeah. Give me a minute?
481
00:24:51,790 --> 00:24:53,792
[tinkling]
482
00:25:06,538 --> 00:25:07,538
[man] Hey, Carter.
483
00:25:07,806 --> 00:25:08,806
Carter.
484
00:25:10,008 --> 00:25:11,710
You know what I miss the most, man?
485
00:25:17,583 --> 00:25:18,650
Green.
486
00:25:19,551 --> 00:25:21,019
The color green.
487
00:25:23,956 --> 00:25:26,258
Enough of this tan-camel shit.
488
00:25:26,892 --> 00:25:28,794
I miss real green.
489
00:25:28,861 --> 00:25:31,730
Like trees, bushes, grass.
490
00:25:54,119 --> 00:25:55,788
"Better not tell you now."
491
00:25:57,923 --> 00:25:59,658
Fuck you, eight ball.
492
00:26:00,993 --> 00:26:02,694
Magic, my ass.
493
00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:04,329
[knocking on door]
494
00:26:06,165 --> 00:26:07,833
- Hey, Ruth.
- Hey, Carter.
495
00:26:14,273 --> 00:26:16,909
- What I said earlier, I...
- Forget about it.
496
00:26:16,934 --> 00:26:19,167
You know, I never should have
called that guy
497
00:26:19,191 --> 00:26:20,599
without talking to you first.
498
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:23,248
Yeah, well, since you did...
499
00:26:25,184 --> 00:26:26,718
This is not easy for me.
500
00:26:26,785 --> 00:26:28,320
Hey, before I forget,
501
00:26:28,587 --> 00:26:32,024
I picked up one
of these word-find books that you like.
502
00:26:43,902 --> 00:26:44,902
Thank you.
503
00:26:46,071 --> 00:26:47,071
Happy searching.
504
00:26:56,715 --> 00:26:58,717
[cartoonish music playing on-screen]
505
00:26:59,885 --> 00:27:01,620
[Roadrunner on-screen] Meep, meep.
506
00:27:05,824 --> 00:27:06,824
Meep, meep.
507
00:27:10,762 --> 00:27:12,931
Now, what the fuck is he doing?
508
00:27:14,032 --> 00:27:15,234
[Roadrunner] Meep, meep.
509
00:27:16,869 --> 00:27:17,869
Meep, meep.
510
00:27:20,138 --> 00:27:21,495
See, the dingo
511
00:27:21,596 --> 00:27:24,823
is constantly pursuing
the kookaburra all over the outback.
512
00:27:27,379 --> 00:27:30,315
No, Sadie.
I don't think he wants to play with him.
513
00:27:31,216 --> 00:27:32,384
He wants to eat him.
514
00:27:34,052 --> 00:27:35,354
No, no, don't be scared.
515
00:27:35,420 --> 00:27:37,823
See, the kookaburra, he's a crafty one.
516
00:27:38,123 --> 00:27:41,693
He's always one step ahead
of the dingo's crazy contraptions.
517
00:27:43,295 --> 00:27:44,930
Sorry, Coco, you're right.
518
00:27:44,997 --> 00:27:46,031
I'll stop talking.
519
00:27:47,165 --> 00:27:48,200
[air whistling on-screen]
520
00:27:48,225 --> 00:27:49,176
[crash on-screen]
521
00:27:49,201 --> 00:27:50,903
[warbly effect plays on-screen]
37499
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