All language subtitles for Futurama.S05E10.1080p.WEB.h264-NiXON_Track03

FARNSWORTH:
Oh, Lordy Lou! Help!

Ooh! Ah!

( shouting ):
I know you've rejected me
a lot before

but frankly,
I wasn't sure

we were right
for each other, either.

But now I am,
so how about a date tonight?

Sorry, I think I, uh,
I think I left my toaster on.

FARNSWORTH:
Buddha! Zeus!

God! One of you guys
do something!

Come on, Leela.

What's the real reason
you won't go out with me?

Help, Satan, you owe me!

Look, um, I'm embarrassed
to admit this

but you've forced me to.

I can't go out tonight
because...

( yelling stops )

I have sweaty boot rash!

No spluh.
Why do you think

I'm sitting over here
in the stink-free zone?

( laughs )

So, will you go out
with me?

Good news, everyone.

I'm still technically alive.
Yes.

But I need you to dispose
of this crazy-ass experiment

that almost killed me.

You'll have to throw it
into the sun itself

for only the thermonuclear
inferno of the sun

has enough energy to ensure
its total destruction.

I could hit it with a shovel.

That's not good enough.

This one time, I pounded a guy

into the ground
like a stake with a shovel.

Yes, yes.

So what's in
the box already?

No peeking!

( gasping )

I don't know
what's in there

but I'm sure

our minds would be unable
to comprehend it.

Oh! You hurt my collator!

I don't care.

Listen well.

No matter what happens

no matter how great
your curiosity

you are forbidden
to look in this box.

Forbidden!

Pretty tantalizing, though.

FRYE:
Whatever's in there

it's the only thing
I've ever wanted.

In my experience,
boxes are usually empty

or maybe with a little cheese
stuck to the top

and one time, pepperoni.

What a day that was!

( warbling scream )

Give me the box!

Scram, you lousy
green snakes!

( all yelling )

Here, Leela, take this

and use it to shoot
those guys.

Right.

If they try to look in the box.

Whatever.

Let's just forget
about the box.

The Professor said
to stay away.

Fry, how can you
be so naive?

He was joking.
Get it?

No.

That's what
makes it so funny.

( laughs )

Okay, he wasn't joking.

Now shut up and follow me.

( hissing )

FRY:
Oh, it's hot.

The cream cheese in my pocket
is melting.

( whirring )

( whirring )

( snoring )

( chuckles )

( whirring )

We thank you, Bender

for the gift
we're about to receive.

( both gasp )

Tangled-up Christmas lights.

We can take shifts
untangling them.

And unlabeled booze.

Wide mouth, too.

( grunting )

That ought to keep
those dopes occupied.

I can guard the real box
in peace

now that no one's
curious about it.

( humming )

( forced humming )

Well, I got through the night
and no one looked in the box--

not even me, the person
who gave up her whole evening

to watch it.

A whole evening of TV gone.

What a mockery of justice

that I can't take
even a little tiny peek.

( sighs )

I need coffee.

Okay, heads-- I look.

Tails-- I don't.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Heads!

I mean, all right, then.

No. I have a duty not to look.

Then again, I promised
the coin I would.

Oh, it's deep.

Deeper than a small box
should be.

( yells )

( grunts )

Ouch! My lawyer
will hear about this.

( door opens )

FRY:
Leela, what have you done?

Nothing.

What do you mean,
why was I looking in the box?

I meant you hair.
It's all differenty.

Bender, is that you?

You know it.
Large and in charge.

Leela? Oh...

There's a woman for you.

Always dyeing her hair

instead of not
looking in a box.

I didn't dye my hair.

This is how I always look.

No, that's how you always look.

( both gasp )

This throws my entire perception
of reality into question.

Clone, robot
or long-lost twin?

Taking all bets.

I also offer video poker.

It's some guy wearing
a Leela costume.

Get him.

Hold it.

You have this all wrong.

I just fell into the box

and then I fell out somehow.

You shut up, sir.

No, wait. I've got it.

I know what's in the box.

Oh, I've been as dumb as Fry.

Am not.

It contains
a parallel universe

and when you create

a parallel universe, it's almost
always populated by evil twins.

Now look, I am not evil.

My loan officer said so.

Oh, you'd like us
to believe that

wouldn't you, Leela?

Or should I say,
Evilla?!

Aw, this is awful.

Somewhere there's
a more evil Bender than me.

I do my best, damn it!

Leela-- the
good Leela--

I want you
to snoop

around the other universe

and find out
how evil they are.

Here.

I tell you, they're not evil

but don't be confused--
they are jerks.

( grunts )

ZOIDBERG:
Hello.

( martial arts yell )

Come out of your universe
with your hands up.

Oh, wow, it's like
that drug trip

I saw in that movie

when I was on
that drug trip.

Astonishing!

I must have created
a parallel universe.

Baldercrap!

I created your universe.

All you created was
my fist parallel
to your face.

Ow.

Look, it doesn't matter
who created what.

The important thing is...

( martial arts yell )

...we're exactly
the same.

I know all her moves.

Therefore, I've got
the upper hand.

BOTH:
Ow!

Now, now, perfectly
symmetrical violence

never solved anything.

Let's recap what's happened
so far.

As you can see,
I accidentally created

a box containing
your universe.

While I, in
a simultaneous blunder

created a box containing
your universe.

This is getting confusing.

Why don't we call
our universe "Universe A"

and this universe
"Universe B"?

Hey, why can't
we be "Universe A"?

Yeah!

Yeah!
It's the
best letter!

We called it first.

Besides, this place
kind of feels

like a "B," you know?

All right, you can be
crummy "Universe A"

and we'll be
"Universe One."

Or "The Mongooses."

That's a cool
team name.

"The Fighting Mongooses."

Wait a second.

If everyone is identical

why did our Leela look
into the box

and your Leela didn't?

Well, to be honest,
I tossed a coin.

It came up tails,
so I didn't look.

That's weird.

Mine came up heads,
so I did.

Interesting.

Apparently, the
key difference
between our universes

is that coin flips have
opposite outcomes.

That explains
Fruity here.

I tossed a coin
to pick my finish.

Foghat Gray.

Hey, bite my glorious
golden ass.

You people and your
slight differences disgust me.

I'm going home.

Where's that blue box
with our universe in it?

Oh, you'd like
to get back

to your evil universe,
wouldn't you

and destroy your box
with our universe inside it?

Nonsense.

I would never do such a thing

unless you were already having
been going to do that.

Wha...?

You heard me.

In any case,
I've hidden the box

and it will remain hidden

until I'm convinced
you're not evil.

Everyone, keep an eye
on your evil counterpart.

And you all do the same.

Um, can Fry and I watch
our parallel selves together?

We have plans tonight.

You guys are dating?

Oh, no, no.

We're married.

I got my eye
on you, boy.

Don't even think
about it, lunch pail.

You'd be dead before
you hit the ground.

Good point.

What do you say
we just hit a strip joint?

I was waiting
for one of us
to say that.

( both cheering )

Bender A, you're a
prince among robots.

Can you forgive me
for distrusting you?

Aw, I can't stay mad at
what is essentially me.

I love me.

( both chuckling )

This is so great!

I always wanted
an imaginary friend.

I'm not imaginary;
I'm parallel.

We're exactly the same,
right down to the...

Splech! Is that
pink nail polish?

Is that not
pink nail polish?

The Professor's right--
you a evil...

and shallow.

I am not evil.

So, Fry, Leela,
how'd you two get together?

Funny story.

I asked Leela out
a million times

but she just kept
rejecting me.

I'd make up stuff like
"I have sweaty boot rash"

or "I have to meet
the President."

( chuckling )

Oh, man,
you never heard such excuses

but, like a dope,
I believed her.

Looking back on it now,
it's kind of funny.

It sure is.

Right, Leela?

Funny. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Then one night, when
Fry asked me out

the only excuse
I could think of
involved ghosts.

I knew he wouldn't buy it.

So, I did what I always
do in those situations.

Oh, Lord.

I flipped a coin.

It came up heads
and we went out.

You mean, you
flipped a coin, too

and it was tails?

So, that's why you said
you had to meet that ghost.

You really missed out
on something, Leela.

That date was magical.

One year later, I gave Leela
a diamond scrunchy

and we were married.

Ooh...

One year later, I got beat up
at a Neil Diamond concert

by a guy named Scrunchy.

( grunting )

( grunting )

( grunting )

( grunting )

Well, that
was pointless.

Say, I hope you won't
think it "evil" of me

to ask how you got
that stylish head wound.

Oh, this old thing?

I was experimenting to see
if I could remove my own brain.

Of course.

I had the same idea.

I flipped a coin to decide
if I should proceed

but it came up tails.

So, I didn't.

How'd it go?

Well, getting
the brain out
was the easy part.

The hard part was
getting the brain out.

( crazy laughter )

( chuckling ):
Oh, you.

( flies buzzing )

So, tell me
about yourself.

Well, don't look into it

but I'm a respected
internal medicine doctor.

Ooh, a can!

( slurping loudly )

As for me,
I design mansions

then live in them.

( sobbing ):
I'm lying.

I'm an appalling failure.

( sobbing ):
Me, too.

A big fat one.

And those coworkers--

always looking down
on us Zoidbergs.

What are they,
from Nob Hill?

They're all alike--

"Stop spraying me
with ink, Zoidberg.

"Put on pants, Zoidberg.

Don't touch our fancy box,
Zoidberg."

Ooh, that box!

Too good for us, is it?

Bah! Someday they'll watch

from down in the gutter,
they will

as King Zoidberg caresses
their fancy box.

You know, maybe a certain
blue lobster saw

where Professor hid the box.

( chuckling deviously )

( chuckling )

Good news,
everyones.

After carefully
reading the Scriptures

we've concluded
that none of us are evil.

Yes, the Bible is
the real "good news."

Anyhow, you're all free
to go back to your own universe.

What's going on here?

Why aren't you all
out destroying the
Professor's box?

Hermes, aren't
you curious

about the fact
that there's two
of everybody?

No. Now, like my Granny
used to say

back in her tarpaper shack
on Montego Bay--

"If you want a box hurled
into the Sun

you got to do it yourself."

Your granny can
go to hell.

I've hidden the box
so no one can destroy

the home universe
of my handsome
friend, here.

Oh, go on.

Wait a second.

If your Hermes was

about to destroy the box
containing our universe...

Then your Hermes...

Oh, my.

ANNOUNCER:
And sure enough...

( Hermes humming )

Like Granny said

"If you want a box hurled
into the Sun

you got to do it yourself."

God rest her zombie bones.

LEELA B:
So we go back through the box
and stop Hermes.

Right. Good thing
Professor B there

hid it in
the coelacanth tank.

No one but a crazy lobster
would look there.

It's gone!

( radio static )

All hail Zoidberg

the king with the box.

( loud smooching )

Now it's my turn maybe?

The box says no.

ANNOUNCER:
Meanwhile, in Universe A

Hermes A heads
toward the sun... A.

"Item one: box."

Check.

"Item two: sun."

( sizzling )

That's a big check.

If I know parallel Hermes,
he's at the sun by now.

Our universe is doomed!

Dooooomed!
Dooooomed!

Now, don't give up yet,
you crybabies.

The box is gone,
but we still have

one preposterously slim hope.

Is it a kind
of hair spray?

No! We must attempt to make

another box containing
our universe. Doy.

( electronic
buzzing and zapping )

( Professors yelling )

Well

is that your universes
in there?

Nope. Too cold.

Hmm. All women.

I'll put this one aside
for later.

( Leela screaming )

Oh, mon, it's hopeless.

We'll never find your universe
in time.

Plus, this box is stuck
on my fat head.

Yes, it's the Apocalypse,
all right.

I always thought
I'd have a hand in it.

I'm not sad...

because I finally found
someone as great as me.

It's like I always say:

"Make new friends,
but keep the old.

One is silver..."

( voice breaking ):
"And the other's gold."

( loud clunk )

( both sobbing )

Why with the long faces?

( gasps ):
The idiots have the box!

I think she means you.

Grab them!

( Zoidbergs whimpering )

You coward! Wait for me!

Blug! Which one
did they go into?

Oh, let's all ask each other!

That'll solve this problem!

We'll each have to search
a universe.

Everyone grab a length
of wire first

so you can find your way back.

Woo-woo!
Woo-woo!

Hello?

Did you see
two smelly lobsters?

We didn't see
anything...

ever.

Yo, uh, did two shellfish
in scrubs go by?

Hell, no.
Shut up.

Beat it, jerk!

Uh, have you robot versions
of you guys

seen any extra Zoidbergs
around here?

( mechanically ):
Negative.
Will you go out with me?

Uh, access denied.

( chalk squeaking )

Hey, pal, look what I snagged
from the leprechaun universe.

Yeah, leprechaun universe
is fine...

if you haven't seen
pirate universe.

( gasps ):
Faith and begorra!

Que?

Quick! Into another box!

There aren't any
in this universe,
there aren't.

Hey, you, what
with the no boxes?

Baby, they're somewhere.

Everything's,
like, somewhere.

Place is kind of
au naturel right now.

There they are!

( both gasp )

Gotcha!

Dig it, all of you
fitting in this box

is, like, seriously freaked up.

Nonsense! Why, there's
a whole universe in there.

Dude, there's a universe
in all of us.

Right on,
Professor Freaksworth!

Get a job!

We've got the box!

Everyone pull your wires!

( grunting and gasping )

( all yelling )

Hurry! Back to Universe A!

( grunting )

( all grunting )

Hermes! Don't press
that button!

Okay.

Bye, Leela.
Bye-bye.
So long.

So long, Your Majesty.

There but for the flip
of a coin go we.

So, um, Leela, seeing how
the universe wasn't destroyed

uh, you want to catch
an ape fight?

You know, together?

Well... I guess you deserve
one more flip.

So? Heads or tails?

You know, let's
just say it's heads.

Ready?

BOTH PROFESSORS:
One, two, three... pull!

There.

That space-time eversion

has given us their
box, and vice versa.

So what you think you just
explained to us is that...

Correct! This box contains
our own universe!

( all gasp )

Sweet honeybee of infinity!

( people grunting and gasping )

Bender, quit destroying
the universe.

But... Oh!

Yes, all that is
and ever shall be
is in that box.

And the box itself
is probably worth
something, too.

We must cherish it

as we cherish every moment
of our lives.

( rumbling )

( sighs )