All language subtitles for Futurama.S03E08.1080p.WEB.h264-NiXON_Track03

[ Man ]
One, two! One, two, three!

[ Both Gasp ]

So I says, "Supercollider?
I just met her."

[ Raucous Laughter ]

And then they
built the supercollider.

Thank you.
You've been a great audience.
[ Raucous Applause ]

Humorbot 5.0,
ladies and gentlemen.

Our next stand-up's a veteran
of four comedy traffic schools.

Give it way up
for Bobcat Zoidberg!

- [ Raucous Cheering ]
- All right!

Earth. What a planet.

On Earth, you enjoy
eating a tasty clam.

On my planet, clams
enjoy eating a tasty you.

- [ Glass Clinking ]
- Maybe I'm not yelling
loud enough.

[ Yelling ]
On Earth, everybody is always
looking for a giant squid.

On my planet--
[ Slurps, Swallows Hard ]

Reload.

So these three parasitic worms
bore into a human's head,

[ All Groaning ]
and they walk up to the bar
and then--

Uh-oh. Wait! Stop!
I've got more!

[ Grunts, Groans ]
[ Audience Applauds ]

My whole life, I worked
on that act, and they hated it.

You're a crazy, penniless
lobster doctor. No combination
of you should be a comedian.

But comedy
is in my valves.

My Uncle Harold
was a big Hollywood star...

back in the era
of silent holograms.

- Your uncle was Harold Zoid?
- This I cannot deny.

Why, I've been
a Harold Zoid fan since back
when my hips were made of bone.

As it happens,
I still have some
of my original 78s.

[ Blows ]

[ Projector Whirring ]
** [ Fanfare ]

** [ Organ ]

[ All Laughing Uproariously ]

You're right, crabby.
He's a hell of a lot funnier
than you could ever be.

Maybe so, but perhaps
if I wrote him and asked
for a few hundred pointers--

This letter has
to be very personal,

so I'm writing it
in my own ink.
[ Liquid Squelching ]

[ Thinking ]
Dear Uncle Zoid, Greetings
from your long-lost nephew.

Norm and Sam
and Sadie's boy?
Remember?

Now I am the most important
doctor at the delivery company
where I work.

But sadly,
my life is bereft of laughter.

"I beg of you,
Mr. Funny Uncle. Teach me
the comedy business.

Sincerely, Zoidberg."
Oh, isn't that nice
he took the time?

What's that
scribble-di-gook?

This is a fan letter
from my rich doctor nephew,

who just might be my ticket
out of this flophouse,
he might.

[ Scoffs ]

Yeah, you'd better run.

[ Liquid Squelching ]

Dear rich doctor nephew,
I can help you be funny.

The first funny thing
you must do is
put all your money...

in the form of a cashier's check
and come to Hollywood.

"Sincerely, Harold Zoid.
P.S. Cashier's check."

Did you hear that?
I'm going to Hollywood!

Welcome to Hollywood.
I must warn you--

There's no refund
if you get discovered
and leave the tour.

[ Giggling ]
I'm just kidding.
That never happens.

Now, to your right, you'll
see 30th Century Fox studios.

Fox uses those searchlights
to blind pilots, then film
the resulting plane crashes.

- Neat.
- Ahead, you'll see the home
of Mel Gibson,

star of the hit film,
Bravehead.

Do we have any fans of Calculon,
star of the robot soap opera,
All My Circuits?

Oh, I am! Me!
Bender is!

Then you'll wanna
get a close look at
his luxurious Bel Air home.

Yes, I will. Yep!

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Are you
my new hot water heater?
No. I'm Bender.

We met once. Remember?
Absolutely not.

Come on. Don't you remember
how much I was bugging you?
Don't you? 'Cause it was a lot.

You remember, right?
Look, I'm programmed
to be very busy.

Unless you can
heat water to 212°,
I'm not interested.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]
Have you got
an extra "goto 10" line?

I said I don't need a Bender.
Bender? That was the other guy.
My name's Boiler.

Nice work, Boiler.
Thanks.
And call me Bender.

That's where I'm
meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch
to discuss my Hollywood dreams.

Next time you see me, don't
be surprised if I've eaten.

[ Trilling ]

Uncle Zoid,
you're looking young enough
to be thrown back.

Rich nephew!
Come over here...

and give your uncle
a nice, big meal.

[ Grunts ]

So, here we are,
a still-famous film comedian--

And a rich,
respected doctor with
many surviving patients.

Eating real food
in a restaurant,
as we both often do.

So, you want
to be a comedian, is it?
It's my lifelong dream.

Well, that dream
dies now! You're unfunny
and untalented!

- That's why
you're perfect for drama.
- Hmm. Serious drama.

Perhaps it is time
to give up comedy.

[ Onlookers Laughing ]

I'm putting together
a big drama picture
right now as we speak.

The script is dynamite.
I know, because
I wrote it myself.

And with me
directing and starring,
I'll be back on top...

after 50 miserable years...
of fame.

Ah, fame.
Where do I come in?

This fame film
has a juicy part for you...

if you completely finance it
with your doctor money.

- So, are you in?
- Uh, okay.

- How much do I have to invest?
- Oh, not much. Not much.
A million dollars.

- [ Spits ]
- Then it's settled. Another
blockbuster Hollywood deal.

What can I
get you gentlemen?
Is bread free?

Yeah.
We'll split an order.

** [ "Hooray For Hollywood" ]

** [ Fades ]
[ Sobbing ]

What's with Monstro?

He promised
he'd give his Uncle Zoid
a million bucks to make a movie.

I've only been here a day,
and already I'm
a Hollywood phony.

Perhaps I could call
on TV's Calculon to help,
now that I'm in showbiz.

- Since when have you
been in the biz?
- Long enough, little man.

Long enough.

[ Wrist Squeaking ]

[ Warbling ]

Calculon,
as your hot water heater,
I would be remiss...

if I didn't bring you scripts
that could make you
an international film star.

Of course.
Tell me about the project.
It's a movie.

Interesting.
Tell me more.
Get this.

For a scant
one-million-dollar investment,
you can be the star.

- And?
- And, uh, I guarantee
it'll win ya an Oscar.

An Oscar, you say?
That would get me out
of this festering rat's nest...

called television
once and for all.

Let me see the script.

No. No, I don't
like the font. Wait!

Harold Zoid? Was this written
by th Harold Zoid?

- Written and xeroxed.
- Good heavens.

A chance to work
with the legendary Harold Zoid.

He's one of my great idols.
And you say you can
guarantee me the Oscar?

I can guarantee ya
anything you want.
Then I'll do it!

Hooray!
Here's your checkbook.

[ Hammering ]

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you our director,
the legendary Harold Zoid.

Thank you.
A more classic movie plot
there isn't.

A son who does not
want to follow
in his father's business,

and that business
is being president
of Earth, no less.

The son, as it happens,
is vice president.

That plot
makes perfect sense,
wink, wink.

Bender, you
said "wink, wink" out loud.
I didn't. Raise middle finger.

[ Beeping ]

Now, remember-- and
I can't stress this enough--
this is a talkie,

so I want the full gamut
of emotions from every actor
in every scene.

- The Magnificent Three.
Scene one, take one.
- And action!

Take back
your gilded pen, Father.

Signing bills into law
was always your dream,
not mine.

Cut! Cut! Cut it! Pooey!

I said this is a talkie,
damn it! You've got
to emote more!

And you extras. Wave
your arms and make faces.
What is this? A morgue?

The Magnificent Three.
Scene 10, take 95.

Action! And I mean
circus-grade action.

Sir, I call upon you
not as a president,
[ Woman Squealing ]

[ Man Grunting
Like Monkey ]
but as a father! [ Sobs ]

[ Woman Warbling ]
Cut! Cut! Cut it!

Would you
show a little emotion?

People. People. Please.
Just because it's
a dramatic scene...

doesn't mean you can't
do a little comedy
in the background.

Throw a pie or two,
for God's sake.

[ All Laughing,
Chattering ]

[ Agonized Sobbing ]

Cut! Cut it! Ech! Yuck!
Look. It's all right, kid.
We'll get it in editing.

All right.
That's a wrap,
everybody.

I'm gonna see you all
at the premiere, which,
by the way, when is?

Well, editing is a long
and expensive process,

but we spent all the money
on pies, so it'll be ready
Friday.

[ Chattering ]

Nice turnout, Calculon.
That Oscar is practically
on your mantle.

I just pray
they like me half
as much as I do.

** [ Fanfare ]
[ Audience Applauds ]

[ Typewriter Keys Clicking ]

I agreed
to be your vice president, but I
never agreed to be your son.

Thank you,
Lieutenant Smith.
Good morning,

Mr. Vice President.

Leela, we're
missing the premiere.

My only goal in life is
to attend a Hollywood shindig.

Just pay the valet
the two bucks.
No.

It's the principle
of the thing. Besides, I think
I see a parking lot up ahead.

[ Leela And Fry
Screaming ]

[ Thunderclap ]
Father, I have asked you to join
me on the White House roof...

so we could have
a heart-to-heart talk.

I will never follow
in your footsteps.

Here is my resignation
as vice president.

No! My son will not
shame me like this.

I would sooner die,
I would.

- Father! The ledge!
- Oy!

Ohh.

The president is dead.
Congratulations,
Mr. President.

No!

[ Bender ]
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
He's a visionary!

Everyone walked out. They hated
it. I've seen plagues that had
better opening nights than this.

You said that Oscar
was practically
on my mantle.

Now you know
why I used the qualifier
"practically."

You listen to me. I'm
out a million bucks here.

You get me that Oscar
or you're dead, you and
these sniveling lobsters!

Dead! You hear me?
Dead!
[ Both Whimpering ]

Oy. N he emotes!

400 categories,
and not a single nomination
for me.

But you won this Golden Globe.
Piffle! That's the Emmy
of movie awards!

- I told you I want an Oscar!
- Then maybe you should
act better.

The Oscar isn't about acting;
it's about earning
the respect...

and admiration
of the creative community.

- How about we rig the awards?
- That's fine too.

[ Ignition Whining ]

It's no use.
The tar is too thick.
Plus, I think I flooded it.

Well, we missed the premiere,
and we're gonna die. Might
as well enjoy the sights.

Oh, my God.
Sylvester Stallone!

This is where you live?
I thought you were
a big-shot Hollywood movie star.

No, I'm not.
I am an even bigger liar
than you.

My career went down the tubes
the day they invented
Smell-A-Vision.

Calculon's gonna
kill us for sure,

and it's all
everybody else's fault.

Oy. All I wanted
was for people to think of me
one last time before I die.

What are you talking about,
Uncle? Everybody
remembers Harold Zoid.

As a pathetic has-been,
they remember me.

As a forgotten relic,
they remember me. Bah!
It's better to die now.

No! This is one death
Dr. Zoidberg won't
be responsible for.

Zoidberg away!

[ Cameras Shuttering ]

Hi. I'm Joan Rivers's head.
I tell you, I've
had so many face-lifts,

they finally lifted it
right off my body.

It's true! It's true!
Oh, oh, oh. Here comes
Jack Nicholson's D.N.A.,

reconstituted
in a gorilla body!

[ Grunting ]

Catering.

Oh-- Ohh.

Oh, and here's
washed-up actor
what's-his-name, Harold Zoid.

Are you presenting one
of those tacky honorary awards
or just getting one?

I'm a seat filler, Joan's head.
My only marketable skill is
to occupy space.

[ Chattering ]

You know, the second
I don't win that award,
you're cat food.

Right, Boxy?
[ Beeping ]

[ Whimpering ]

** [ Theme ]

[ Announcer ]
And now, the host
of the 1,074th Academy Awards,

Billy Crystal!

- Now I know
how a Pez dispenser feels.
- [ Grunting ]

You like that one, Jack?
[ Grunting ]

All right. We're
already one hour behind.
[ Gorilla Grunting ]

Our first award tonight:
best cinematography in
a non-visible spectrum.

[ Rumbling ]

It's been two weeks. You
wanna play tic-tac-toe again
before we eat our shoes?

No. I always knew
I'd die at the bottom
of a pit,

but a pit full of tar?
[ Crashing ]

What was that?
A tar dolphin or a tar shark?

It's some kind
of hollow tube devoid
of human life.

[ Gasps ]
The Los Angeles subway! We can
blast our way in and escape!

All right,
but I still feel like
having a shoe.

- ** [ Theme ]
- What category are they on?

They're giving out
the minor technical awards.
I think they're up to writing.

That just leaves best
soft drink product placement
and then best actor.

- We don't have much time.
- And the nominees for best soft
drink product placement are--

[ Soda Machine ]
Star Trek:
The Pepsi Generation.

They Call Me Mr. Pibb.

And Snow White
and the 7 UPs.

[ Audience Applauds ]

And now, to present
the award for best actor,
a bit player...

in the flop movie,
The Magnificent Three,
Dr. Zoidberg!

[ Audience Cheers ]

- [ Cheers Increase ]
- Okay, Boxy. Keep your prong
on the trigger.

- [ Zoid Gulps ]
- And the nominees
for best actor are--

Sir Laurence--
[ Screeches ]
in The Merchant of Venus.

Hive Mind Gamma 7-X
in Bikini Party Summer.

The Soda Machine Robot
in Bikini Party Summer.

Mark Jones
in How Beige Was My Jacket.

And, instead
of the fifth guy--

Calculon,
for his powerhouse performance
in The Magnificent Three.

[ Audience Murmuring ]

Uh-oh. He read the wrong name.
Shh. Just play along like
they did for Marisa Tomei.

Hooray!
I won't be murdered!
I'll live another day,

another day
of pathetic, forgotten misery.

And the winner is--

And the winner--
instead of any
of the nominees--

is the legendary
Harold Zoid!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

[ All ]
What? Huh?

Thank you. Thank you so much.
You know, through all my ups
and downs,

I always thought
the most important thing
in life was to win an Oscar,

but tonight I realize
what's really important
is to win two Oscars!

Ha! Ha!
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

What really matters in life
is that people care about you,

- whether it's a whole crowd,
- [ Man Snoring ]

or just one diehard fan.

[ All ]
Aww.

[ Grunting ]

Thank you, nephew.
Now I can die happy,

10 seconds from now,
when Calculon kills us.

- [ Calculon ]
Harold Zoid!
- [ Bender ] Hit the deck!

- Where's that Oscar?
- Here. Enjoy. What
are you getting upset?

It's slightly
less fraudulent
for you to have it.

Yes. Yes,
it's a real beauty.

Someday I hope
to win one of my own.

Then you're not
gonna kill us, Your Majesty?

Nay. I respect and admire
Harold Zoid too much to beat him
to death with his own Oscar.

[ All Cheering ]
[ Rumbling ]

Earthquake!
Hit the deck!

Let the earth quake!
I've got somebody's Oscar!

We made it!
I'm at a Hollywood party.

I'm sorry, sir.
This is a private--
Oh, pardon me.

I see
you're with Mr. Stallone.