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Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
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Welcome to the O2 Dublin.
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Please welcome on stage Bill Bailey.
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Good evening!
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Hello, Dublin.
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Welcome to the O2.
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A unique building in Dublin,
in that it is actually finished.
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Every time I've been to any
historical building in Ireland,
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and just after five minutes,
you'll see something on the wall,
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and it said, "And then the English came
and ruined it."
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No. It'll say,
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"Yeah, so this building was built
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"before the English came."
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And then you realise you just
got to get out of there.
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Yeah. "Shall we stop for the gift shop?"
"No, let's just keep going."
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Not so great in England at the moment.
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In an online poll, we came last.
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We came actually bottom of
European countries for quality of life.
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Right. Because of things like
the weather, obviously.
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You know, late retirement, poor holiday,
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poor public services, poor health service.
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It's basically just a kind of
a grey, godless wilderness
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full of cold pies and broken dreams.
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And that's why I didn't get the gig
doing the tourist campaign because...
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Other countries have got
great tourist campaigns.
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Like Malaysia is, "Malaysia, Truly Asia."
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You see what we did there?
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New Zealand is a "100% pure."
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It's like it's some kind of
narcotic, you know.
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Yeah, 100% pure.
That's not cut with Vanuatu.
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All right. Australia is like, you know,
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"Where the bloody hell are you?"
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Followed by a terrifying scream.
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I've actually thought of one for Ireland. I
don't know. See what you think, all right?
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I've just sort of mucking around with it.
See what you think, right.
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Okay, it goes, here we go,
something like this.
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Come to Ireland.
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00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:03,852
A magical place.
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Where euros mysteriously disappear
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by their millions.
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Strange structures known as
bank headquarters blow in the wind.
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Visit the jungles, the beaches,
the rainforests.
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All right. Ireland.
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It's not Brazil,
but it's not as shit as Greece.
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Something like that.
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Yeah. I was actually on tour in Australia.
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And Australians are
very optimistic and helpful,
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and I'm very distrustful of that, you know.
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I find that somebody's got an angle,
they're being devious.
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You know, "What do you mean,
you're helpful?" "What?"
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And there's an Australian expression
which is "Too easy."
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Which is meaning, you know,
no problem, no worries.
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Yeah. "Can you help me?" "Too easy."
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I didn't realise that.
I thought it was an aggressive thing.
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I was in a hotel and a
package arrived for me.
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The bloke phoned up, he said,
"There's a package here for Mr Bailey."
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I said, "Oh, thanks very much."
He said, "Do you want me to send it up?"
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I went, "Oh, yes. Thank you very much."
He went, "Too easy."
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So I said, "Well, all right,
train an ibis to fly it up then,"
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"if that constitutes more of a challenge."
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I was a little bit surly with him.
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Australia is vast. Every time I go there
I realise what a vast country it is.
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Australia could have been invaded
during the Second World War.
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Nobody would have noticed, right.
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Germany could have set up an entire reich
up in the Northern territory somewhere,
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they would have been oblivious to it
for two years.
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00:04:52,126 --> 00:04:55,830
Eventually some rural country copper
would have blundered across it like that,
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00:04:56,331 --> 00:04:57,765
"What's going on here?"
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"This is the new Germany.
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00:05:06,207 --> 00:05:08,142
"We have set up a reich in your country."
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"All right."
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"Oh, carry on."
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"You haven't got any fruit, or vegetables
or potpourri on you at all, have you?"
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The thing is, when I was in Australia,
there was a coup, right.
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The government was ousted,
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the Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd,
was chucked out.
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Julia Gillard came in, in his place,
all in a matter of days.
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And it was very harsh and very brutal,
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but it did actually really
make a point to me that, you know,
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it's what we've all known for many years
outside of Australia,
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you can't have a world leader called Kevin.
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All right. You just can't.
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It doesn't really convey any
statesman-like gravitas.
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Nicolas Sarkozy, Angela Merkel.
"Uh, Kevin, hello."
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And now, today, like we have in
Britain now, a coalition government.
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00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:08,669
It seems to be a bit of a mishmash.
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We didn't have the unifying
moment of Obama.
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You see, Obama unified America,
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and he is to me an inspirational figure.
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He's intelligent, articulate.
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He seems genuinely engaged in the world.
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My only problem with Obama is that
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some of this phraseology
is uplifting but vague.
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You know. You hear it and you think,
"Oh, cor! Eh, what?"
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You know,
"Well, I better applaud, you know."
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Mainly out of white liberal
guilt, I suppose, you know.
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I mean, his book title,
The Audacity of Hope.
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I mean, it sounds very noble and uplifting,
doesn't it? The Audacity of Hope.
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But it's not really
the way I would describe hope.
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I wouldn't describe hope with audacity.
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Maybe the mundanity of hope,
perhaps, you know.
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The depressing, inevitability of hope.
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00:07:03,958 --> 00:07:09,363
The pointless, day-to-day, crushing
jackboot of history on the face of hope.
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The pointless, uselessness of hope
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but not the audacity of hope.
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When you think of hope in Britain,
you just see the face of Rooney.
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Rooney's face is not the face of hope.
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It looks like a child's
drawing of a cabbage.
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All his features are drawing together
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in the middle of this face
like the top of a duffle bag.
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In fact, all the English footballers,
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a bunch of useless turf-kicking,
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00:07:48,002 --> 00:07:50,705
knuckle-dragging, mono-browed
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00:07:50,805 --> 00:07:53,307
millionaire illiterates.
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Every one of them look like
some ageing warehousemen
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00:08:00,248 --> 00:08:03,084
who'd been given conflicting
storage instructions.
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00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:16,998
And, okay, even the pundits were lost
for words at how appalling it was.
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00:08:17,098 --> 00:08:21,469
One of the pundits on BBC, Mark Lawrenson,
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you know, the one who looks
like a melted rabbit, you know.
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Watership Dali, I call him.
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He said, "They've got to try and get the
ball into the corridor of uncertainty."
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Yeah, what's that?
Pass the half way line of unknowing,
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in the six yard box of tremulous ambiguity.
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Manager Fabio Capello.
Okay, English not really his strong point.
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He was shouting from the touchline,
partly in Italian.
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00:09:08,783 --> 00:09:12,253
Rooney's face, all his features
disappeared now, like a black hole.
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00:09:18,626 --> 00:09:20,228
In his first game in charge of England,
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Fabio Capello said it was,
"Una partita all'inglese."
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00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:25,366
"An English-style game."
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00:09:25,466 --> 00:09:28,502
Which is such...
Damning with faint praise, innit?
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00:09:28,603 --> 00:09:31,505
So, "all'inglese" becomes this
terrible negative adjunct.
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00:09:31,606 --> 00:09:35,243
Yes."All'inglese" sounds like a very
disappointing pasta dish, isn't it?
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00:09:35,343 --> 00:09:37,478
Pasta all'inglese.
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00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:41,282
Yes, overcooked rigatoni and marmite.
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Bellissimo!
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00:09:49,290 --> 00:09:52,426
So, Obama gave us a good kicking
over the oil spill,
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00:09:52,526 --> 00:09:56,030
which apparently now
has been finally capped.
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00:09:56,330 --> 00:09:58,175
But what they've done apparently,
what they've done is,
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they've packed the oil well
with Dan Brown novels, right.
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00:10:05,506 --> 00:10:08,609
Because they're very absorbent apparently.
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00:10:10,544 --> 00:10:14,048
I've seen people go into Waterstones
and order a kilo of Dan Brown.
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00:10:14,949 --> 00:10:17,327
They don't even know what it is.
"I've got to cut a bit off the end."
145
00:10:17,351 --> 00:10:19,954
"You'll miss the ending." 'Well, whatever."
146
00:10:22,123 --> 00:10:26,027
He's another one, pudding-faced,
currant-eyed, murderer of prose.
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00:10:30,965 --> 00:10:34,368
But I would never condone the burning
of a Dan Brown book, okay.
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00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,904
Much though I loathe and detest his work...
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00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:38,472
Well, his I say work, you know,
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words randomly arranged
to form millions of dollars.
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00:10:45,813 --> 00:10:47,548
Not bitter at all.
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00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:52,453
So, hey.
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00:10:53,321 --> 00:10:54,431
I tell you what I hate, though,
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are those sort of whimsical, girly
singer/songwriters, you know, the ones...
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You know, the ones that kind of,
they sing songs like this.
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00:11:02,296 --> 00:11:05,533
♪ I'm a girl and I live in the clouds
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00:11:05,599 --> 00:11:07,735
♪ I float like a worm
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00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:11,605
♪ That dreamt it was an acorn
on the wings of the morning
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00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:21,816
♪ I'm a girl and I live in the sky
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00:11:21,916 --> 00:11:26,020
♪ Like a cotton gossamer strand of thread
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00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,022
♪ That unravelled from a dress
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00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:31,359
♪ That was woven from
the thoughts of a mermaid
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00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:38,232
♪ I've got a gossamer brain
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00:11:38,332 --> 00:11:40,067
♪ Got a dandelion mind
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00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:42,236
♪ One poof and it's gone ♪
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00:11:52,380 --> 00:11:54,949
Tonight's show is about doubt.
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00:11:55,049 --> 00:11:57,218
Or maybe it isn't.
I haven't made my mind up yet.
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00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:04,358
One of the ways that music finds
its way into our consciousness
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00:12:04,458 --> 00:12:05,860
is through advertising.
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00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,863
And advertisers are very keen
to banish doubt
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00:12:08,963 --> 00:12:10,898
from your minds
when you're selecting a product.
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00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:14,135
That's why the music always
surreptitiously, subconsciously
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00:12:14,235 --> 00:12:17,471
leads you to believe in the trustworthiness
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00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:19,039
of the product in question.
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00:12:19,607 --> 00:12:23,611
Something, perhaps, you know, you may
have heard something of this nature,
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00:12:23,711 --> 00:12:26,981
like in the advert for makeup.
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00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:32,653
"Life never stops
and that can take a toll on your skin.
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00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:36,457
"That's why new super youthful face shaper
ointmenty stuff
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00:12:36,657 --> 00:12:38,492
"can smooth those troubles away.
180
00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:41,495
"Our unique atom rearranging pro-dermitiser
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00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:44,899
"contains our de-uglification
technology that
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00:12:44,999 --> 00:12:47,435
"re-lovelifies your actual face off.
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00:12:47,535 --> 00:12:49,637
"And replaces it with a newer, kinder one
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00:12:49,737 --> 00:12:52,873
"which eventually seeps
all the way into your brain.
185
00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:57,678
"Kinder face marmalade from L'Oréal.
Because you need it."
186
00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:12,226
All right then, you cheeky scamps.
187
00:13:12,326 --> 00:13:15,663
All right, so, anyone familiar
with this particular instrument?
188
00:13:17,331 --> 00:13:18,699
Lute? No.
189
00:13:20,134 --> 00:13:22,002
Did you say banjo? No.
190
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:25,306
- Mandolin!
- Mandolin. No.
191
00:13:25,406 --> 00:13:28,108
- Balalaika!
- Balalaika, no.
192
00:13:28,209 --> 00:13:30,611
- Bouzouki.
- An acorn? What?
193
00:13:32,813 --> 00:13:34,215
Bouzouki. No.
194
00:13:35,583 --> 00:13:37,117
Oud.
195
00:13:37,485 --> 00:13:38,619
Who said, "Oud"?
196
00:13:38,719 --> 00:13:40,221
Oud!
197
00:13:40,321 --> 00:13:41,421
Oud!
198
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:48,863
That was one of the strangest things
I've ever heard.
199
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:50,931
"Is this an oud?" "Oud!"
200
00:13:56,437 --> 00:13:59,340
See, that's not the right answer
to that question, is it, really.
201
00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:02,743
Yes, but no. "Is this an oud?" "Oud!"
202
00:14:07,781 --> 00:14:09,483
"The prophecy..."
203
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:12,686
"Is this an oud?" "Oud!"
204
00:14:14,188 --> 00:14:15,823
"No, is this an oud?" "Oud!"
205
00:14:17,091 --> 00:14:19,426
"No, is this an oud?" "Oud!"
206
00:14:20,327 --> 00:14:22,530
"No, but is it an oud?" "Oud!"
207
00:14:24,198 --> 00:14:27,535
Time slows in the O2 to a glacial drip.
208
00:14:29,270 --> 00:14:30,905
"Is this an oud?" "Oud!"
209
00:14:32,106 --> 00:14:33,841
"Is this an oud?" "Oud!"
210
00:14:34,508 --> 00:14:38,012
Outside the O2, empires rise and fall.
211
00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:41,048
Huge winged crabs hold dominion
212
00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:44,251
over a blasted post-apocalyptic wilderness.
213
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:46,620
But inside, "Is this an oud?" "Oud!"
214
00:14:48,489 --> 00:14:50,624
"Is this an oud?" "Oud!"
215
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:52,960
"Is this an oud?"
216
00:14:53,627 --> 00:14:55,229
Oud! Oud! Oud! Oud!
217
00:15:21,455 --> 00:15:23,023
Behold!
218
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:47,581
Oud!
219
00:15:59,293 --> 00:16:00,828
Oud!
220
00:16:07,868 --> 00:16:10,270
Truly, truly,
221
00:16:10,604 --> 00:16:13,707
it is an instrument that clearly
does not need to be played.
222
00:16:24,218 --> 00:16:26,220
It's mainly rock you can play on it.
223
00:16:28,589 --> 00:16:30,124
And, of course, Iranian hip-hop.
224
00:16:33,661 --> 00:16:35,295
♪ Welcome to Tehran
225
00:16:35,396 --> 00:16:36,730
♪ Anyone can vote
226
00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:38,532
♪ As long as it rhymes with Ahmadinejad
227
00:16:38,632 --> 00:16:40,501
♪ I'll take my foot off your throat ♪
228
00:16:49,610 --> 00:16:52,288
One of the things I thought was
extraordinary about Obama winning was that,
229
00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:53,412
he's such an intellectual,
230
00:16:53,447 --> 00:16:55,416
he borrowed phrases
from other world leaders.
231
00:16:55,516 --> 00:16:58,285
You know, Gandhi said,
"Be the change you seek in the world."
232
00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:01,288
Obama says, "We are the change
we seek in the world."
233
00:17:01,388 --> 00:17:04,391
And this went over big
in the rural heartlands of America.
234
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:05,591
I was amazed by that.
235
00:17:05,626 --> 00:17:08,546
I'd have thought there'd be two cowpokes
standing in Ohio somewhere going,
236
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:10,035
"What the hell's he on about, Frank?
237
00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:11,290
"'We are the change we seek.'
238
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:13,571
"Well, hell, I don't know
what the hell's he's on about."
239
00:17:14,735 --> 00:17:16,070
Like that. But no.
240
00:17:16,670 --> 00:17:19,082
Apparently they were saying,
"I believe he's paraphrasing Gandhi."
241
00:17:19,106 --> 00:17:20,574
"Yes, I believe he is."
242
00:17:22,776 --> 00:17:24,745
"Tapenade?" "Oh, don't mind if I do."
243
00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,916
And the thing is,
I'm amazed they went with Obama at all.
244
00:17:29,016 --> 00:17:32,419
I mean, you know, I thought Hillary would
have been a shoo-in but no, you know.
245
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:35,255
Apparently America's got an issue
with gender not with race.
246
00:17:36,990 --> 00:17:38,292
So, um...
247
00:17:40,027 --> 00:17:43,263
It reminded me of an old country and
western song I'd like to play on the oud.
248
00:17:43,630 --> 00:17:46,433
Thus rendering it country and eastern.
So, here we go.
249
00:17:57,377 --> 00:18:00,314
♪ Well, I don't mind if a black man
250
00:18:00,414 --> 00:18:04,051
♪ Takes away my guns
and bans the Ku Klux Klan
251
00:18:04,151 --> 00:18:07,321
♪ But I don't think I could take that
252
00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:09,389
♪ From a woman ♪
253
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:22,102
Oud!
254
00:18:33,013 --> 00:18:34,782
The trouble is in Britain now,
255
00:18:34,882 --> 00:18:38,218
we rely mainly for our electricity
on France, right.
256
00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:40,387
We get all our electricity from France,
257
00:18:40,554 --> 00:18:41,822
from a company called EDF,
258
00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:44,992
which is helpfully called
Electricité de France.
259
00:18:45,826 --> 00:18:48,495
Which is just "electricity from France."
260
00:18:49,229 --> 00:18:50,840
I don't know whether
that makes it any nicer.
261
00:18:50,864 --> 00:18:54,368
I just don't understand
how it can be any better.
262
00:18:54,468 --> 00:18:59,640
Is it French electricity that's slightly more,
I don't know, a little bit more stylish?
263
00:18:59,740 --> 00:19:02,776
People saying, "Ooh, get you
with your Parisian voltage."
264
00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:06,256
And the things is now,
because we have to rely on them,
265
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:08,458
we have to phone them up.
And of course, they always know.
266
00:19:08,482 --> 00:19:11,885
They know that we're English even
'cause our accents give us away.
267
00:19:16,156 --> 00:19:17,524
Oh, les Anglais.
268
00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:20,127
"I just put you on hold." "No."
269
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,511
It's even worse with the German
companies like Power-Gen,
270
00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:29,975
you have to phone them up and say...
271
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:11,778
"Nein!"
272
00:20:21,922 --> 00:20:25,092
I'm very worried about the teaching of
creationism in our schools now.
273
00:20:25,192 --> 00:20:26,960
Creationists...
274
00:20:27,361 --> 00:20:30,030
Thank you. Oh, a few Darwinist's in?
275
00:20:31,899 --> 00:20:35,202
Thank God for Darwin, eh?
276
00:20:42,876 --> 00:20:44,144
So...
277
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,782
Creationists mainly are Americans
278
00:20:48,882 --> 00:20:51,752
who think that the world
was created in 1982
279
00:20:52,519 --> 00:20:56,089
to coincide with the rise of Supertramp,
all right?
280
00:20:56,723 --> 00:20:58,959
And you can really easily disprove this
281
00:20:59,092 --> 00:21:01,528
by playing them some of
Supertramp's earlier albums.
282
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,468
But they won't have it, you know.
283
00:21:08,568 --> 00:21:10,847
The thing is, they always bang on about
these, sort of, these things
284
00:21:10,871 --> 00:21:13,607
like intelligent design.
285
00:21:13,707 --> 00:21:17,444
The irreducible complexity
of certain aspects of nature
286
00:21:17,544 --> 00:21:20,681
like a giraffe's neck or a human eye,
287
00:21:20,781 --> 00:21:23,784
or the bombardier beetle
that fires acid out of his arse,
288
00:21:23,884 --> 00:21:27,454
which is a handy trick to, you know,
in a tight spot.
289
00:21:27,554 --> 00:21:30,958
But the thing is nature isn't...
290
00:21:31,325 --> 00:21:33,493
There's no intelligent design
in a lot of nature.
291
00:21:33,593 --> 00:21:35,729
Most of nature is work in progress.
292
00:21:35,829 --> 00:21:37,064
It's very imperfect.
293
00:21:37,164 --> 00:21:40,267
I mean, look at frogs.
When frogs, male frogs,
294
00:21:40,367 --> 00:21:43,370
will so often try to copulate
with other male frogs,
295
00:21:43,503 --> 00:21:47,140
that the frog has a release call
to let the other frog know
296
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,076
basically he's wasting his time.
297
00:21:50,210 --> 00:21:53,046
If you see two frogs going at it,
hammer and tongs,
298
00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:56,283
the one underneath goes, "Ribbit."
What he's actually saying is,
299
00:21:56,383 --> 00:21:58,223
"Leave it, Frank,
you're embarrassing yourself.
300
00:22:06,293 --> 00:22:08,795
"Look, look,
socially I'm cool with it, all right?
301
00:22:09,229 --> 00:22:11,932
"But reproductively,
this is a cul-de-sac, okay?"
302
00:22:18,071 --> 00:22:21,908
And I think the thing is
we are actually evolving. That's the key.
303
00:22:22,009 --> 00:22:23,977
Although biological evolution
304
00:22:24,077 --> 00:22:26,780
happens so slowly
that we don't notice it in our lifetime.
305
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,525
But social evolution is happening.
I think that's happening quicker.
306
00:22:29,549 --> 00:22:32,052
It's speeded up by the technology,
by the internet.
307
00:22:32,152 --> 00:22:35,789
And science will help us get on better
as a species.
308
00:22:35,889 --> 00:22:38,692
I'll give you an example.
Women are always claimed to be
309
00:22:38,792 --> 00:22:40,227
more empathetic than men.
310
00:22:40,327 --> 00:22:43,096
They claim to have greater empathy.
That men are no good at it.
311
00:22:43,196 --> 00:22:46,633
When women talk to each other,
they empathise.
312
00:22:46,733 --> 00:22:48,168
But men don't, they just drink.
313
00:22:48,268 --> 00:22:50,346
That's all they do, we can't empathise.
We just drink.
314
00:22:50,370 --> 00:22:51,972
"What's your problem?"
315
00:22:52,072 --> 00:22:54,174
So, the thing is now,
316
00:22:54,307 --> 00:22:55,952
we always thought that was
a behavioural thing,
317
00:22:55,976 --> 00:22:57,754
that women were just happened
to be better at it,
318
00:22:57,778 --> 00:22:59,155
because of, I don't know, their upbringing.
319
00:22:59,179 --> 00:23:03,750
But scientists have worked out that there's an
actual chemical in the brain called oxytocin
320
00:23:04,017 --> 00:23:07,587
which gives women
a greater affinity for empathy.
321
00:23:07,687 --> 00:23:10,223
They just have more of it.
So, it's a physiological reason.
322
00:23:10,323 --> 00:23:11,458
The good news for men is
323
00:23:11,558 --> 00:23:14,961
that this chemical is now available
as a nasal spray, right.
324
00:23:16,563 --> 00:23:19,666
So, if your wife/girlfriend/partner
thinks you're not being empathetic enough
325
00:23:19,766 --> 00:23:21,535
do a little quick... Blast of that.
326
00:23:21,635 --> 00:23:23,737
"I feel it! I feel your pain!"
327
00:23:25,072 --> 00:23:27,841
And women will get so suspicious
328
00:23:27,941 --> 00:23:29,676
of blokes who are genuinely empathetic.
329
00:23:29,776 --> 00:23:32,255
'Cause they say, "You've just been
at the oxytocin again, haven't you?"
330
00:23:32,279 --> 00:23:34,247
Then they'll go, "No! No, I haven't."
331
00:23:34,414 --> 00:23:35,982
And, clearly, they're OD'ing on it
332
00:23:36,083 --> 00:23:39,953
because they burst into tears because
there's no tomato puree in the house.
333
00:23:44,157 --> 00:23:46,093
"The ragù will be ruined!"
334
00:23:48,562 --> 00:23:50,597
You know, if blokes OD on oxytocin,
335
00:23:50,697 --> 00:23:52,241
there'll be other blokes
trying to bring them down
336
00:23:52,265 --> 00:23:55,635
by blow piping shots of
chauvinol into their neck.
337
00:24:00,006 --> 00:24:03,019
The thing is, though, you see, I'm a
Darwinist and I mean I believe in evolution.
338
00:24:03,043 --> 00:24:05,745
I mean, evolution has been
around for ages, you know.
339
00:24:09,850 --> 00:24:12,195
And the creationists will say
that it only happened with Darwin.
340
00:24:12,219 --> 00:24:15,789
But, of course, Darwin just used
the accumulated evolutionary thought
341
00:24:15,889 --> 00:24:17,100
that had been building up for centuries.
342
00:24:17,124 --> 00:24:19,059
I mean, the first inklings of evolution
343
00:24:19,159 --> 00:24:23,163
happened round about the 4th century B.C.
with Empedocles, the Greek philosopher.
344
00:24:23,263 --> 00:24:25,265
And he noticed patterns in nature.
345
00:24:25,365 --> 00:24:27,534
He also was a vegetarian because he thought
346
00:24:27,701 --> 00:24:30,604
that animals are the dwelling places
of tortured souls,
347
00:24:30,971 --> 00:24:33,740
which is a brilliant way of ruining
a meat-based barbecue.
348
00:24:37,010 --> 00:24:39,546
"Sausage?"
"No, they're vessels of the damned."
349
00:24:43,884 --> 00:24:46,286
And Darwin knew that his book
was going to cause a furore.
350
00:24:46,386 --> 00:24:48,188
So he needed a bit of extra kudos,
351
00:24:48,288 --> 00:24:51,024
a bit of gravitas,
a bit of respect from his peers.
352
00:24:51,191 --> 00:24:54,628
And what he did, he decided to become
a world expert in something.
353
00:24:54,961 --> 00:24:58,665
And so he had a few barnacles kicking
around his house after the Beagle trip,
354
00:24:58,765 --> 00:25:02,169
so, he started to become
an expert in barnacles.
355
00:25:02,269 --> 00:25:05,172
That was his aim, to become
a world expert in barnacles.
356
00:25:05,272 --> 00:25:08,217
And the thing is, he probably thought
it would take him about a couple of months,
357
00:25:08,241 --> 00:25:09,676
but it took him eight years.
358
00:25:09,776 --> 00:25:12,312
He spent eight years studying barnacles.
359
00:25:12,412 --> 00:25:14,915
He studied them by putting his hands
in a block and tackle
360
00:25:15,015 --> 00:25:17,984
and rested them over the table
where he was working on the barnacles.
361
00:25:18,084 --> 00:25:21,421
His kids grew up knowing
nothing other than barnacles.
362
00:25:21,555 --> 00:25:22,832
They went round to other people's houses,
363
00:25:22,856 --> 00:25:25,091
"Is this where your dad
does his barnacles?"
364
00:25:25,825 --> 00:25:28,528
After eight years,
he was the world expert in barnacles,
365
00:25:28,628 --> 00:25:30,764
as you would indeed hope to be.
366
00:25:30,864 --> 00:25:32,799
In fact, the previous world expert said,
367
00:25:32,899 --> 00:25:35,635
"Well, that's 12 minutes of my life
I'll never get back."
368
00:25:38,405 --> 00:25:40,207
And Darwin actually wrote in his journal,
369
00:25:40,307 --> 00:25:43,677
"I hate a barnacle
as no man has ever done before."
370
00:25:47,147 --> 00:25:49,667
Barnacles are fascinating things,
they're fascinating creatures.
371
00:25:49,716 --> 00:25:53,987
And everywhere I go I ask people about
their collected knowledge of barnacles,
372
00:25:54,087 --> 00:25:56,523
as I will do tonight.
373
00:25:56,623 --> 00:25:58,391
So...
374
00:25:58,491 --> 00:26:00,493
I was in Stornoway in the Isle of Lewis,
375
00:26:00,794 --> 00:26:02,514
I said, "Anyone know
anything of barnacles?"
376
00:26:02,596 --> 00:26:05,665
And a bloke down the front went,
"They stick to boats."
377
00:26:09,469 --> 00:26:11,438
I went, "That's good.
We'll work, chop that up."
378
00:26:11,538 --> 00:26:13,916
And, eventually, a little voice
from the back of the room said,
379
00:26:13,940 --> 00:26:15,609
"Tell him nothing else.
380
00:26:21,581 --> 00:26:24,918
"Don't share your barnacle knowledge
with the stranger!
381
00:26:26,152 --> 00:26:30,557
"I'll keep my barnacle information
to the grave."
382
00:26:33,260 --> 00:26:36,162
I asked this question one night,
and a bloke said,
383
00:26:36,263 --> 00:26:38,207
"I know something
about barnacles, Bill," he said.
384
00:26:38,231 --> 00:26:40,267
There was a little bonus joke he threw in.
385
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:44,838
He said, "I am the barnacle expert
at the Natural History Museum in London."
386
00:26:44,938 --> 00:26:47,674
I said, "Wow! You must be like
the world expert in barnacles.
387
00:26:47,774 --> 00:26:50,010
"You must be the number one
expert in the world.
388
00:26:50,110 --> 00:26:52,012
And he went, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no."
389
00:26:52,112 --> 00:26:55,352
I said, "Well, you must be top three, then?"
He went, "Oh, yeah. Top three, yeah."
390
00:26:57,817 --> 00:26:59,519
It's like a chart of barnacles.
391
00:27:00,420 --> 00:27:01,998
The barnacle is an extraordinary creature.
392
00:27:02,022 --> 00:27:07,227
It has the largest penis to body ratio
of any animal in the natural kingdom.
393
00:27:07,661 --> 00:27:09,296
And you know, fair play...
394
00:27:09,396 --> 00:27:11,431
Yeah, exactly. You may well whoop that.
395
00:27:12,499 --> 00:27:15,035
The barnacle cannot, of course,
understand you.
396
00:27:15,935 --> 00:27:19,706
Contextually, it doesn't really know
anything about that, but well done.
397
00:27:19,806 --> 00:27:23,109
Does anyone know what the ratio is
actually, off the top of their head?
398
00:27:23,376 --> 00:27:24,711
- Eight!
- Eight?
399
00:27:29,616 --> 00:27:32,285
You said that with a degree
of confidence there, sir.
400
00:27:33,086 --> 00:27:36,122
Sort of thing, the kind of fact
that just trips off your tongue lightly.
401
00:27:36,222 --> 00:27:37,542
Somebody just nudges you at work,
402
00:27:37,624 --> 00:27:39,368
"Excuse me,
what's the ratio of barnacle penis?"
403
00:27:39,392 --> 00:27:40,593
"Eight." "Carry on."
404
00:27:43,363 --> 00:27:44,864
- Five!
- Seven!
405
00:27:45,031 --> 00:27:46,833
- What?
- Seven!
406
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:49,502
- Eleven?
- Sixty nine.
407
00:27:49,636 --> 00:27:51,104
Sixty nine!
408
00:27:54,874 --> 00:27:56,609
Well, someone had to.
409
00:27:58,445 --> 00:28:01,781
Ten. I reckon it's round about 10.
Something like that. It's quite a lot.
410
00:28:02,048 --> 00:28:04,117
I mean, that'll be huge.
411
00:28:04,217 --> 00:28:06,586
That will be equivalent of a man
with a 60-foot penis.
412
00:28:06,686 --> 00:28:09,589
Which would be unwieldy
to say the least, wouldn't it?
413
00:28:10,623 --> 00:28:13,360
"Here's Clive. Don't get him excited.
He'll have the buffet over.
414
00:28:22,836 --> 00:28:24,704
"There he goes in his little van."
415
00:28:27,507 --> 00:28:29,342
Let's expunge that thought
from our brain now,
416
00:28:29,442 --> 00:28:32,312
as we all say the word "barnacle"
in unison after three.
417
00:28:32,412 --> 00:28:33,813
One, two, three.
418
00:28:33,913 --> 00:28:35,215
Barnacle!
419
00:28:35,315 --> 00:28:36,783
Oh, you see, that's weird, innit?
420
00:28:36,883 --> 00:28:39,853
Getting a bearded stranger
to demand you say the word "barnacle".
421
00:28:40,787 --> 00:28:42,389
It's like a middle-class mugging, innit?
422
00:28:42,489 --> 00:28:45,492
It's like, "You there, say 'barnacle'."
"Barnacle." "On your way."
423
00:28:49,462 --> 00:28:50,930
Or a middle-class mugging would be,
424
00:28:51,030 --> 00:28:53,666
"You there, make the sound of sherry
being decanted."
425
00:28:58,805 --> 00:29:01,808
"A little viscous, more like port,
but I'll let it go this time."
426
00:29:06,446 --> 00:29:09,249
Well, to relax...
I'm gonna have to relax now.
427
00:29:09,682 --> 00:29:11,560
What I like to do,
I like to go to the supermarket.
428
00:29:11,584 --> 00:29:14,187
But this is one thing
I recommend that you never do.
429
00:29:14,454 --> 00:29:18,291
And that is I gazed into
the laser scanner, right.
430
00:30:35,168 --> 00:30:37,337
Unexpected item in bagging area.
431
00:30:39,205 --> 00:30:41,150
Thank you very much!
That's the end of the first half!
432
00:30:41,174 --> 00:30:43,142
See you back in a bit, bye-bye.
433
00:30:54,053 --> 00:30:57,123
Oud... Oud...
434
00:31:01,661 --> 00:31:06,399
Oud... Oud!
435
00:31:06,699 --> 00:31:09,536
Oud... Oud...
436
00:31:13,239 --> 00:31:15,575
The church is now in session.
437
00:31:17,243 --> 00:31:19,846
The high priest of oud is upon us.
438
00:31:22,282 --> 00:31:24,918
Oud.
439
00:31:26,085 --> 00:31:28,063
It's going really well,
I don't think I'll come out.
440
00:31:28,087 --> 00:31:29,722
I think I'll do it from back here.
441
00:31:30,323 --> 00:31:32,725
So, okay,
are you ready for the second half?
442
00:31:34,694 --> 00:31:38,865
Please welcome back to the stage,
the comedy stylings of Bill Bailey.
443
00:31:43,102 --> 00:31:44,537
Oud!
444
00:31:47,740 --> 00:31:49,142
Yeah!
445
00:31:49,375 --> 00:31:52,779
♪ 'Cause I'm the real Bill Bailey
Not the fake Bill Bailey
446
00:31:53,646 --> 00:31:56,816
♪ All those other Bill Bailey's
are not the actual Bill Bailey
447
00:31:56,916 --> 00:32:00,954
♪ Because I'm not like
the diamond and lady kind of person
448
00:32:01,054 --> 00:32:03,356
♪ I want houses and patios
449
00:32:07,226 --> 00:32:09,128
♪ I'm not a random meener
450
00:32:09,228 --> 00:32:12,532
♪ I'm shy and more of a woodland creature
451
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:15,401
♪ Yeah
452
00:32:15,501 --> 00:32:18,605
♪ I don't like the bling
The urban bling and all that thing
453
00:32:18,705 --> 00:32:22,108
♪ You know, I've got a bear and a leopard
and a solid gold owl
454
00:32:22,208 --> 00:32:25,578
♪ You wanna go gardening,
I've got a Fabergé trowel
455
00:32:27,981 --> 00:32:30,984
♪ It's like a Fabergé
egg but in trowel form
456
00:32:31,417 --> 00:32:34,721
♪ I'm friend to the hawk
the badger and the sparrow
457
00:32:34,821 --> 00:32:39,225
♪ But I like the rustic bling
I've got a Prada wheelbarrow
458
00:32:41,027 --> 00:32:42,328
♪ I've got a farm
459
00:32:42,428 --> 00:32:45,264
♪ I've got cows made out of tungsten
Sometimes I get crazy
460
00:32:45,365 --> 00:32:46,599
♪ I like to get amongst them
461
00:32:46,699 --> 00:32:49,769
♪ Empty out a clip of my Glock
on my tungsten cow
462
00:32:49,869 --> 00:32:52,705
♪ Cow goes down, pow!
Who's laughing now?
463
00:32:57,110 --> 00:32:58,544
♪ Who's laughing now?
464
00:32:59,012 --> 00:33:01,781
♪ 'Cause I'm the rural guru
I'm the rustic mystic
465
00:33:01,881 --> 00:33:05,385
♪ Check out the countryside karma
I'm the Dalai farmer ♪
466
00:33:20,033 --> 00:33:21,834
Oud!
467
00:33:24,604 --> 00:33:26,806
Who is the greatest doubter?
468
00:33:27,473 --> 00:33:29,108
Yes, Thomas.
469
00:33:32,445 --> 00:33:35,915
I feel sorry for Thomas, really,
'cause I think he's got a bit of a bad rap.
470
00:33:36,015 --> 00:33:39,318
You know, Thomas, the name, Thomas,
has become this phrase,
471
00:33:39,419 --> 00:33:41,554
"A doubting Thomas."
472
00:33:42,155 --> 00:33:47,527
It seems harsh. I just think Thomas
was just a sensible, rational human being
473
00:33:48,695 --> 00:33:51,664
and all the other disciples
were just credulous nitwits.
474
00:33:53,166 --> 00:33:54,667
You know? Oh!
475
00:33:55,034 --> 00:33:59,038
Jesus says, "I came back from the dead.
Look, I'm back from the dead. Whoo-hoo!"
476
00:33:59,138 --> 00:34:00,973
And they all went, "Yes, that's great."
477
00:34:01,974 --> 00:34:05,511
Thomas, "Just a couple of things
I need to clear up here, Christ."
478
00:34:07,046 --> 00:34:09,716
He's branded some sort of doubter!
479
00:34:10,316 --> 00:34:15,288
And that moment, when Christ reveals
his wound to Thomas to prove to him
480
00:34:15,388 --> 00:34:18,157
that he has come back from the dead.
It's this iconic moment.
481
00:34:18,257 --> 00:34:21,594
He takes back his cloak,
he shows Thomas the wound
482
00:34:21,694 --> 00:34:24,931
and he says, "Touch the wound of Christ."
483
00:34:31,704 --> 00:34:33,673
In that way,
'cause he was quite posh, Christ.
484
00:34:33,773 --> 00:34:35,575
"Touch the wound of Christ."
485
00:34:37,376 --> 00:34:39,354
It wouldn't have worked
if he was from the north of England.
486
00:34:39,378 --> 00:34:41,481
"Touch the wound of Christ."
487
00:34:45,184 --> 00:34:46,284
Definitely not Australian.
488
00:34:46,319 --> 00:34:48,721
"Touch the wound of Christ. Go on!
489
00:34:49,689 --> 00:34:52,024
"Too easy. Put your finger in there.
490
00:34:53,593 --> 00:34:54,894
"Move it around."
491
00:34:59,265 --> 00:35:03,169
And that moment in Christian iconography
has become immortalised
492
00:35:03,269 --> 00:35:04,537
in many, many paintings.
493
00:35:04,637 --> 00:35:08,708
The fact that it's been painted by
dozens of artists over hundreds of years.
494
00:35:08,941 --> 00:35:12,578
And it's a very famous painting
called The Incredulity of Saint Thomas.
495
00:35:12,912 --> 00:35:15,681
And it's really the moment
where in the Christian faith
496
00:35:15,782 --> 00:35:20,853
doubt was expunged for all time
because Thomas was then convinced.
497
00:35:21,120 --> 00:35:25,158
And I'm just going to take you through
a few of these paintings, all right?
498
00:35:25,258 --> 00:35:28,361
Now, here, this is by Honthorst.
499
00:35:28,661 --> 00:35:31,664
And you can see here,
this is clearly Christ. Here.
500
00:35:36,269 --> 00:35:38,604
Note the beard, uh...
501
00:35:39,138 --> 00:35:41,674
The long hair, the beatific demeanour.
502
00:35:42,341 --> 00:35:45,077
And he's looking down.
He's massive, look, he's huge.
503
00:35:45,244 --> 00:35:50,116
And Thomas is invited to touch the wound.
"Touch it. Touch the wound of Christ."
504
00:35:51,017 --> 00:35:52,985
The square bellybutton of Christ.
505
00:35:55,421 --> 00:35:59,425
Wait a minute, how's he got a belly button?
Wait a minute, uh...
506
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:10,403
And Christ has actually
just ordered a coffee in this scene
507
00:36:10,503 --> 00:36:12,505
and he's just said, "Just put it there."
508
00:36:16,075 --> 00:36:17,176
I've just noticed.
509
00:36:17,276 --> 00:36:18,778
Look at that boil on Thomas's finger.
510
00:36:18,878 --> 00:36:22,882
I really wouldn't want that hand getting
anywhere near an open wound, would you?
511
00:36:23,549 --> 00:36:27,720
All right, that's Honthorst.
Now, this is by a painter called Guercino.
512
00:36:27,820 --> 00:36:31,424
And, which is, if you know you're Italian,
is a nickname, The Squinter,
513
00:36:31,524 --> 00:36:34,227
which is obviously not a great attribute
if you're a painter.
514
00:36:34,327 --> 00:36:38,464
But, uh, here, dark, moody scene.
515
00:36:38,564 --> 00:36:40,867
Very, very moody.
Influenced by Caravaggio, of course.
516
00:36:40,967 --> 00:36:42,287
He must have been a Caravaggista.
517
00:36:42,702 --> 00:36:45,838
And here,
Thomas touching the wound gingerly.
518
00:36:45,938 --> 00:36:48,808
Tenderly touching the wound.
Quite a sexy Christ.
519
00:36:50,009 --> 00:36:51,310
Quite an erect nipple.
520
00:36:52,912 --> 00:36:56,349
And thus, quite good nipple shadow.
Very good nipple shadow.
521
00:36:56,849 --> 00:37:00,019
Which is actually the name
of a prog rock band I was in at school.
522
00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:02,321
Nipple shadow!
523
00:37:03,089 --> 00:37:04,590
Well, it should have been.
524
00:37:04,690 --> 00:37:08,060
And over there,
just some random beardy bloke waving,
525
00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:09,929
trying to get the bloke's attention.
526
00:37:11,197 --> 00:37:13,466
"Over here, mate. Chuck us an orange,
527
00:37:13,566 --> 00:37:15,768
"chuck us a satsuma
or an apple or something.
528
00:37:16,302 --> 00:37:18,638
"Over here, mate. Whoo-hoo!
529
00:37:22,041 --> 00:37:23,409
"Cuckoo!"
530
00:37:41,427 --> 00:37:42,828
I just like the slightly...
531
00:37:43,195 --> 00:37:47,533
The slightly affected pose
of Christ in this one.
532
00:37:48,601 --> 00:37:51,037
"Come on, just get it over with."
533
00:37:51,604 --> 00:37:55,574
And it looks like Thomas is actually
putting some money in the slot in Christ.
534
00:37:56,108 --> 00:37:57,510
It's actually a mechanical Christ.
535
00:37:57,610 --> 00:37:59,912
The arm's going to go up and down
in a minute.
536
00:38:01,814 --> 00:38:05,051
And here, Christ has surprised Thomas.
He went
537
00:38:05,151 --> 00:38:06,752
And Thomas is, "Whoa!"
538
00:38:09,689 --> 00:38:12,425
Now, this is a very famous one.
This is by Rubens.
539
00:38:12,525 --> 00:38:17,430
Now, over here, this rather fine-looking
gentlemen is Nicholas Rockox
540
00:38:17,530 --> 00:38:19,465
and he was Rubens' patron.
541
00:38:19,565 --> 00:38:22,702
A very wealthy Dutch merchant.
Look at his lovely fur. Look at that.
542
00:38:22,802 --> 00:38:26,772
And the thing is, about being a patron,
you could actually be in the painting.
543
00:38:27,907 --> 00:38:31,310
And at least he's got the good grace
to appear interested in the scene.
544
00:38:31,410 --> 00:38:36,749
Unlike his wife, over here,
who's just happy to be in the painting.
545
00:38:39,819 --> 00:38:41,887
And over here, we have Christ.
Quite a hippy Christ.
546
00:38:41,988 --> 00:38:45,091
"Yeah, like I was totally crucified,
yeah, I was like...
547
00:38:46,692 --> 00:38:50,296
"It was, like, really painful. Really painful?
Like when the nail went in, like, 'Ow.'
548
00:38:50,396 --> 00:38:53,032
"Like really ow a lot. Like ooh!
549
00:38:53,132 --> 00:38:56,202
"Like when you really catch your toe
on something. I mean, like, really ow."
550
00:38:56,936 --> 00:38:58,971
And Thomas, clearly Scottish, I think.
551
00:38:59,071 --> 00:39:01,440
"Oh, look at that. Look at that!
552
00:39:01,841 --> 00:39:04,243
"Oh, it's gone right through. Oh, no."
553
00:39:06,278 --> 00:39:11,117
And then the same random beardy bloke,
just in the corner, stoned off his bonce.
554
00:39:12,918 --> 00:39:14,787
Transfixed by Christ's nose.
555
00:39:14,887 --> 00:39:19,792
He's looking at it going, "That is an amazing
nose. I've never seen a nose like that.
556
00:39:19,892 --> 00:39:22,194
"Oh, my giddy aunt."
557
00:39:24,430 --> 00:39:27,209
Okay, now this one, these people at the
back have clearly got the wrong idea.
558
00:39:27,233 --> 00:39:31,170
"Look, it's in his hair!" "No, it's
there, it's there. It's clearly there."
559
00:39:34,740 --> 00:39:37,810
Quite an aggressive looking,
kind of, biker Christ there.
560
00:39:39,378 --> 00:39:44,350
"Touch the wound, man. Touch it. Yeah.
Yeah, you weren't... You don't know, man.
561
00:39:44,450 --> 00:39:47,319
"You weren't there.
You weren't there, man."
562
00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:50,990
And this is a Verrocchio,
the sculptor obviously.
563
00:39:51,090 --> 00:39:53,559
And look at the work that's gone in here.
564
00:39:53,659 --> 00:39:55,761
Look at the folds he's
chipped out of these cloth...
565
00:39:55,861 --> 00:39:59,165
I mean, I really feel sorry for him.
I feel desperately sorry for Verrocchio.
566
00:39:59,265 --> 00:40:02,068
He spent all his time and effort
on getting the cloaks right
567
00:40:02,168 --> 00:40:04,980
and he thought, "Now, I'll tell you what?
I'll top it off with a lovely halo."
568
00:40:05,004 --> 00:40:08,874
And he stood back and he thought,
"Oh, no, I've done a fruit bowl. Oh!"
569
00:40:10,176 --> 00:40:12,578
Bollocks.
570
00:40:13,879 --> 00:40:17,083
And he's painted Christ
as some kind of avenging ninja as well.
571
00:40:17,183 --> 00:40:19,685
It's like, there's the wound...
572
00:40:25,558 --> 00:40:28,727
Now, this one,
I don't know what the hell's going on here.
573
00:40:33,199 --> 00:40:36,836
I mean, somebody seems to have sailed
Christ into this particular painting.
574
00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:44,643
And this has got to be, I'm afraid,
the campest Christ I've ever seen.
575
00:40:45,678 --> 00:40:48,380
"Oh, look, I'm a sailboat. What am I like?"
576
00:40:56,522 --> 00:40:58,224
But, probably, the most...
577
00:40:59,091 --> 00:41:02,962
Probably the most famous of all the
incarnations of this particular painting,
578
00:41:03,062 --> 00:41:05,264
uh, is done by Caravaggio.
579
00:41:05,865 --> 00:41:09,401
Now, look at this.
It's an extraordinary painting.
580
00:41:09,502 --> 00:41:13,205
Here we see the rich colours, the dark,
the light, the chiaroscuro,
581
00:41:13,305 --> 00:41:19,378
and here, the rich cloaks of the believers,
the flimsy material of the doubter.
582
00:41:21,614 --> 00:41:23,649
The crazed, gaunt expression.
583
00:41:23,849 --> 00:41:25,684
"Oh, look! I get it, Christ. I get it!"
584
00:41:25,784 --> 00:41:28,087
Christ has got his hand.
He's forcing it into his wound.
585
00:41:28,187 --> 00:41:31,190
Look at the visceral, modern realism
of this scene.
586
00:41:31,290 --> 00:41:33,759
"Poke the wound of Christ."
587
00:41:34,059 --> 00:41:36,195
Thomas is like,
"Yeah, I get it, Christ, I get it."
588
00:41:36,295 --> 00:41:38,597
And Christ says, "No, feel the wound!
589
00:41:40,366 --> 00:41:45,971
"Touch the wound.
Feel the wound of Christ. Feel it!
590
00:41:47,573 --> 00:41:51,510
"Faster, faster!"
"Okay, I get it. I get it, guys, I get it!"
591
00:41:53,779 --> 00:41:56,057
Thomas isn't even looking at it.
He's looking at something else.
592
00:41:56,081 --> 00:41:58,484
He's looking at that.
That's what he's looking at.
593
00:42:09,094 --> 00:42:12,798
You see, whatever your views
on that particular thing,
594
00:42:12,898 --> 00:42:15,234
Christ at least could claim to be
some kind of celebrity.
595
00:42:15,334 --> 00:42:19,638
Modern celebrity, the word has no meaning.
It is devoid of all currency.
596
00:42:19,738 --> 00:42:23,475
Anyone can be a celebrity,
endless parades of cookery shows.
597
00:42:23,576 --> 00:42:24,910
Endless cookery shows.
598
00:42:25,010 --> 00:42:30,015
Junior MasterChef, Senior MasterChef,
Tiny MasterChef, Klingon MasterChef.
599
00:42:32,184 --> 00:42:34,320
"Mmm, revenge. Mmm, too warm."
600
00:42:39,491 --> 00:42:40,626
Okay.
601
00:42:44,663 --> 00:42:48,300
I watched this programme,
it was Michael Winner's Dining Stars.
602
00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:51,370
And Michael Winner, all right,
Michael Winner, not known...
603
00:42:51,470 --> 00:42:52,771
He likes eating.
604
00:42:52,871 --> 00:42:56,909
That's his only qualification
for judging people's dinners, all right?
605
00:42:57,009 --> 00:42:59,511
Worrying what Michael Winner
thinks of your food,
606
00:42:59,612 --> 00:43:00,755
it would be like going to the park
607
00:43:00,779 --> 00:43:04,483
and worrying that a duck
has looked at you in a funny way.
608
00:43:06,585 --> 00:43:07,920
And some woman phoned him up,
609
00:43:08,020 --> 00:43:10,756
and he said,
"What are we having for dinner, my dear?"
610
00:43:10,856 --> 00:43:14,326
And she said some typical bourgeois
tit bit. It was, you know,
611
00:43:14,426 --> 00:43:20,299
otter-caught scallops relaxing on a
cristini plinth, in a fog of pesto.
612
00:43:24,770 --> 00:43:26,505
And he said, "I don't like pesto."
613
00:43:26,605 --> 00:43:28,440
And she said,
"Oh, no! What am I gonna do?"
614
00:43:28,540 --> 00:43:29,708
And I was shouting at the TV,
615
00:43:29,808 --> 00:43:34,113
I said, "Get a cricket bat
and make a latex mould of the cricket bat,
616
00:43:34,213 --> 00:43:36,315
"fill it with pesto, then freeze it
617
00:43:36,415 --> 00:43:37,792
"and when he comes round for dinner,
618
00:43:37,816 --> 00:43:41,654
"you say, 'You're not going to like this,
Michael, on several different levels."'
619
00:43:50,529 --> 00:43:53,532
See, I don't really subscribe
to the whole celebrity culture,
620
00:43:53,632 --> 00:43:56,635
I try and avoid it most of the time.
I don't even like the word "celebrity."
621
00:43:56,735 --> 00:44:00,572
But, occasionally, I get invited to things
and they always end up disastrous.
622
00:44:00,673 --> 00:44:02,007
I always pick the wrong thing.
623
00:44:02,107 --> 00:44:07,246
I was invited to a premiere of a film of
one of the Saw film franchises, all right.
624
00:44:07,446 --> 00:44:08,614
They're horrible films.
625
00:44:08,714 --> 00:44:12,184
A bloke is drugged and he wakes up
and he's superglued to a wolf.
626
00:44:20,092 --> 00:44:23,429
And he's only allowed to smash it off
with his own nephew.
627
00:44:28,167 --> 00:44:29,647
Or a bloke is drugged and he wakes up
628
00:44:29,702 --> 00:44:32,037
and his ears are being nailed
to a washing machine
629
00:44:32,137 --> 00:44:35,574
and it's about to go to the spin cycle
and twist his head right off.
630
00:44:36,775 --> 00:44:37,875
And he can only change it,
631
00:44:37,943 --> 00:44:40,813
but he's got to saw his fingers off
with a stale baguette,
632
00:44:40,913 --> 00:44:42,748
over hours and hours and hours
633
00:44:42,848 --> 00:44:46,418
then glue them all together to make a stick
so he can reach the controls.
634
00:44:51,724 --> 00:44:53,092
Ugh! Horrible.
635
00:44:53,892 --> 00:44:56,528
And straddling above
the whole of popular culture
636
00:44:56,628 --> 00:45:01,133
like some crab-faced predator-like
colossus, is Simon Cowell, right?
637
00:45:01,433 --> 00:45:05,471
Who I call Agent Orange, all right.
'Cause it works on so many levels.
638
00:45:05,571 --> 00:45:07,439
He's an agent, he's orange,
639
00:45:07,539 --> 00:45:11,009
and like the chemical defoliant
used in Vietnam,
640
00:45:11,110 --> 00:45:14,012
he's a toxic blight on a
generation, all right.
641
00:45:22,554 --> 00:45:23,722
It kind of works.
642
00:45:23,822 --> 00:45:25,958
Actually, where I live in west London,
in Hammersmith,
643
00:45:26,058 --> 00:45:29,395
there was a cleaning company
called, Agent Orange, right,
644
00:45:29,495 --> 00:45:31,830
which I thought was a
little bit insensitive.
645
00:45:32,531 --> 00:45:35,334
Not as insensitive as a record shop
at the end of my road
646
00:45:35,434 --> 00:45:37,169
called The Vinyl Solution.
647
00:45:45,411 --> 00:45:47,913
Which is just wrong
on so many levels, isn't it?
648
00:45:48,013 --> 00:45:51,583
It's like calling a Chinese laundry
Ethnic Cleansing, isn't it?
649
00:45:58,991 --> 00:46:01,794
Or a Lionel Richie-themed Muslim butcher's
650
00:46:01,894 --> 00:46:03,929
Halal, Is It Meat You're Looking For?
651
00:46:13,572 --> 00:46:15,073
See, the thing is...
652
00:46:19,645 --> 00:46:22,614
This is the Tenori-on, right.
It's a Japanese thing.
653
00:46:24,783 --> 00:46:27,386
And it allows you expression of music.
654
00:46:27,486 --> 00:46:29,688
And this is, I think,
the antithesis of the X-Factor.
655
00:46:29,788 --> 00:46:32,891
The X-Factor is about moulding people.
Making them sound exactly like...
656
00:46:32,991 --> 00:46:35,727
Music should be about an expression.
Freedom of expression.
657
00:46:35,828 --> 00:46:37,372
I'm just going to show you
what I'm going to do.
658
00:46:37,396 --> 00:46:39,765
You press these buttons here
and you get a little pulse.
659
00:46:39,865 --> 00:46:41,843
I'm going to play my musical
fingerprint here. Here we go.
660
00:46:41,867 --> 00:46:43,001
Here. Here we go.
661
00:46:43,101 --> 00:46:44,461
This is my hand print. Here we go.
662
00:47:50,269 --> 00:47:51,470
And the thing...
663
00:47:52,638 --> 00:47:58,176
The thing about the Tenori is,
it allows you to play images with music.
664
00:47:58,777 --> 00:48:01,179
And the thing is,
you can take familiar images
665
00:48:01,280 --> 00:48:04,249
and then hear what they sound like,
666
00:48:05,817 --> 00:48:07,152
with music.
667
00:48:07,986 --> 00:48:11,657
And, thus, we create beauty from hatred.
668
00:48:21,333 --> 00:48:23,969
I was in a pub recently, imagine that,
669
00:48:24,970 --> 00:48:26,114
and there were these two blokes talking
670
00:48:26,138 --> 00:48:27,916
and one of them said,
"You know that Mugabe, right?"
671
00:48:27,940 --> 00:48:31,510
And the bloke went, "What, Eric Mugabe,
used to play left back for Leyton Orient?"
672
00:48:31,577 --> 00:48:33,178
He went, "No."
673
00:48:38,917 --> 00:48:42,254
"The other one."
"Oh, yeah, Robert, yeah. Well?"
674
00:48:46,959 --> 00:48:50,762
He goes, "He's like a black Hitler, right."
675
00:48:50,862 --> 00:48:52,230
And I said, "I don't think he is."
676
00:48:52,331 --> 00:48:54,900
I said, "Although conceptually,
I'd like that to occur."
677
00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:57,903
Just to see the look
on the British National Party's face.
678
00:49:01,873 --> 00:49:03,442
No!
679
00:49:06,178 --> 00:49:07,989
Well, so, I don't think he is.
I don't think analogy works.
680
00:49:08,013 --> 00:49:10,892
I said, "Basically, you know, he's not
trying to annexe neighbouring nations.
681
00:49:10,916 --> 00:49:13,619
"What he is trying to do,
he's persecuting the intellectuals
682
00:49:13,719 --> 00:49:17,856
"and forcibly reintroducing
a Maoist-style agrarian society.
683
00:49:17,956 --> 00:49:20,592
"So, if anything,
he's the black Pol Pot. Hmm."
684
00:49:21,593 --> 00:49:24,172
And the bloke said, "Well,
I shall endeavour to become circumspect
685
00:49:24,196 --> 00:49:26,598
"about my dictator-based analogies
in the future."
686
00:49:31,737 --> 00:49:36,241
And with that, he grew a beautiful pair
of wings and flew out over the crystal lake
687
00:49:36,541 --> 00:49:38,210
because he was merely a conceptual entity
688
00:49:38,310 --> 00:49:40,912
and I promised him
a magical exit from the routine.
689
00:49:55,661 --> 00:49:57,496
♪ Nick Clegg
690
00:49:58,430 --> 00:50:01,533
♪ You don't have to wear that dress tonight
691
00:50:04,736 --> 00:50:06,505
♪ Walk the streets for money
692
00:50:06,772 --> 00:50:09,941
♪ You don't have to sell your body
to the right... ♪
693
00:50:15,681 --> 00:50:17,291
Yeah, we're in a strange
time at the moment.
694
00:50:17,315 --> 00:50:20,118
Connected, more connected, less connected
than ever before.
695
00:50:20,218 --> 00:50:21,486
YouTube is extraordinary.
696
00:50:21,586 --> 00:50:24,456
More content is loaded onto YouTube
in 60 days,
697
00:50:24,556 --> 00:50:27,526
than has ever been broadcast
in America in 60 years.
698
00:50:27,626 --> 00:50:30,829
Admittedly, most of that
is a cat playing the piano.
699
00:50:32,431 --> 00:50:35,333
But it is quite funny though,
when the cat is starting to play the piano,
700
00:50:35,434 --> 00:50:38,103
and he's thinking to himself
he can't quite play it.
701
00:50:47,479 --> 00:50:49,681
A billion Facebook users, you know.
702
00:50:50,082 --> 00:50:52,584
And I'm on this
social networking site, Twitter.
703
00:50:52,984 --> 00:50:56,054
When I first, you know,
explored on Twitter,
704
00:50:56,154 --> 00:50:58,757
I was horrified to find there were
four people claiming to be me.
705
00:50:58,857 --> 00:51:00,892
There were four Bill Bailey's already.
706
00:51:01,359 --> 00:51:03,371
And they were having a much more
interesting time of it,
707
00:51:03,395 --> 00:51:07,065
going skate boarding, going sky diving.
I'm thinking, "Wow!"
708
00:51:07,165 --> 00:51:09,711
They're going clubbing, yeah,
"I'm might go wind surfing in a minute."
709
00:51:09,735 --> 00:51:12,080
And I'm going, "I'm having a biscuit,
I'm walking across the room,
710
00:51:12,104 --> 00:51:14,973
"I'm sitting down. Oh, I might look out
the window in a minute.
711
00:51:15,073 --> 00:51:17,109
"Oh, that's Thursday. Whoo!" You know.
712
00:51:19,544 --> 00:51:21,179
It's extraordinary, Twitter, you know.
713
00:51:21,279 --> 00:51:25,117
And everyone is on Twitter now.
Obama is on Twitter.
714
00:51:25,217 --> 00:51:27,753
And that's great, 'cause, you know,
you get this Twitter feed
715
00:51:27,853 --> 00:51:30,355
and it's just everyone's, sort of,
tweets coming through.
716
00:51:30,455 --> 00:51:32,157
And sometimes you just get this
717
00:51:32,257 --> 00:51:36,528
extraordinary, sort of, gap
between solemnity and triviality.
718
00:51:36,628 --> 00:51:40,265
Obama would say something like, "I'm trying
to get America's economy moving.
719
00:51:40,365 --> 00:51:42,045
"I want to see a future for our children."
720
00:51:42,134 --> 00:51:45,103
And in the next page, "I might have a
Jaffa Cake in a minute." You know?
721
00:51:49,441 --> 00:51:50,709
That was me.
722
00:51:52,544 --> 00:51:54,246
And the royal family are on Twitter.
723
00:51:54,346 --> 00:51:57,306
Admittedly, it's not the royal family,
you know, it's the British Monarchy,
724
00:51:57,382 --> 00:51:58,693
so it's just a list of engagements.
725
00:51:58,717 --> 00:52:03,421
What you really want is the Queen going,
"Corgis have shat in Philip's shoes. Lol."
726
00:52:09,594 --> 00:52:11,396
And Twitter's become very middle-class.
727
00:52:11,496 --> 00:52:14,366
Like, you know, before the World Cup
when Ireland were playing France
728
00:52:14,466 --> 00:52:17,569
and Thierry Henry shamelessly
and shamefully handballed.
729
00:52:17,669 --> 00:52:19,871
Yes.
730
00:52:20,472 --> 00:52:22,641
Well, people were outraged and rightly so.
731
00:52:22,741 --> 00:52:24,843
And the next day on Twitter,
some bloke wrote,
732
00:52:24,943 --> 00:52:28,380
"I was so outraged, I nearly
threw my couscous across the room."
733
00:52:34,519 --> 00:52:36,721
The keyword there being "nearly", I think.
734
00:52:37,222 --> 00:52:40,258
"That was bloody good couscous that,
I wasn't going to waste it.
735
00:52:41,026 --> 00:52:44,496
"I nearly crushed a cardamom pod
with my Montblanc pen. I was livid."
736
00:52:48,967 --> 00:52:51,236
Anyway, this is an internet love song.
737
00:52:58,043 --> 00:53:02,480
♪ Whilst vaguely watching
you nibble your sandwich
738
00:53:03,882 --> 00:53:08,286
♪ I was gripped by an overwhelming sense
of utter futility
739
00:53:09,120 --> 00:53:11,523
♪ You Twitter
"Oh, my God, I'm having a sandwich!"
740
00:53:11,623 --> 00:53:13,391
♪ Like it's thrilling
741
00:53:14,159 --> 00:53:18,196
♪ Four seconds later
19 followers twitter, "What filling?"
742
00:53:22,100 --> 00:53:26,304
♪ One of them is me
I say, "Is it carrots and hummus?"
743
00:53:27,505 --> 00:53:31,710
♪ You say, "Wow, there must be
a special connection betwum-us."
744
00:53:35,647 --> 00:53:40,018
♪ We meet from a tweet
but it's not that appealing
745
00:53:40,518 --> 00:53:45,156
♪ Because unlike Lionel Richie
We're not dancing on the ceiling
746
00:53:46,224 --> 00:53:49,594
♪ I caress you like a curious wasp
747
00:53:54,065 --> 00:53:58,236
♪ You embrace me like a spiteful pheasant
748
00:54:01,506 --> 00:54:03,441
♪ It's quite unpleasant
749
00:54:04,009 --> 00:54:08,246
♪ Ow, my eye and then you shit on my head
750
00:54:11,349 --> 00:54:13,818
♪ Do we really love?
Do we really care?
751
00:54:13,919 --> 00:54:17,122
♪ Let's sort this out
with an online questionnaire
752
00:54:17,222 --> 00:54:20,525
♪ But in the box marked
do you really want to be with me?
753
00:54:20,625 --> 00:54:24,229
♪ We both ticked,
neither agree nor disagree
754
00:54:24,329 --> 00:54:27,966
♪ I don't hate you, it's not fate
It's just we're not that great
755
00:54:28,066 --> 00:54:32,637
♪ I don't dislike you
I just unlike you
756
00:54:32,737 --> 00:54:37,809
♪ For your information
I am not laughing out loud
757
00:54:37,909 --> 00:54:42,047
♪ Or even laughing my arse off
758
00:54:42,180 --> 00:54:45,450
♪ Or even R-O-F-L-Y-S-S-T
759
00:54:46,785 --> 00:54:52,157
♪ Rolling on the floor laughing
yet somehow still typing ♪
760
00:55:05,170 --> 00:55:08,773
This is a punk lament I wrote
when I discovered one of my punk heroes,
761
00:55:08,873 --> 00:55:11,543
John Lydon was doing a butter advert!
762
00:55:13,645 --> 00:55:16,214
♪ I can't hear your words
Your words of spite
763
00:55:16,314 --> 00:55:19,150
♪ 'Cause they're muffled by the tea
and the Vegemite
764
00:55:19,250 --> 00:55:21,653
♪ Bring out the tea and crockery
765
00:55:21,753 --> 00:55:24,689
♪ Carve yourself a slice of hypocrisy
766
00:55:24,789 --> 00:55:30,028
♪ Anarchy in the UK
Coming to a tearoom any day
767
00:55:30,161 --> 00:55:35,400
♪ Bankers try to nick my ham
Politicians want a taste of the jam
768
00:55:35,500 --> 00:55:38,103
♪ All around, there's scum in the gutter
769
00:55:38,203 --> 00:55:43,441
♪ The only thing you can rely on
is Country Life butter
770
00:55:44,676 --> 00:55:47,178
♪ Country Life you spread it with a knife
771
00:55:47,278 --> 00:55:50,181
♪ The knife on the bread
has killed punk dead
772
00:55:50,281 --> 00:55:52,784
♪ Country Life you spread it with a knife
773
00:55:52,884 --> 00:55:56,121
♪ The knife on the bread
has stabbed punk in the head
774
00:55:56,688 --> 00:56:02,127
♪ Now you're a ghost and punk is toast ♪
775
00:56:15,673 --> 00:56:18,543
We never had the moment in Europe.
We never had that unifying moment.
776
00:56:18,643 --> 00:56:21,613
The only unifying thing we had in Europe
was the ash cloud.
777
00:56:21,713 --> 00:56:23,681
I, Jolly Geoffrey Jokel,
778
00:56:24,282 --> 00:56:25,984
I was trapped in Spain by the ash cloud.
779
00:56:26,084 --> 00:56:28,162
When I say trapped?
I wasn't bricked up in a chimney,
780
00:56:28,186 --> 00:56:30,922
I was in a hotel with room service.
It was all right.
781
00:56:34,893 --> 00:56:37,328
I couldn't escape. The ferries were full,
782
00:56:37,429 --> 00:56:39,764
the docks were seething
with Russian billionaires saying,
783
00:56:39,864 --> 00:56:42,434
"Take the children,
take the children."
784
00:56:45,670 --> 00:56:48,807
I couldn't even get a train home.
There was a rail strike in France.
785
00:56:48,907 --> 00:56:52,410
"Hey France, the whole of Europe
is paralysed by the ash cloud.
786
00:56:52,510 --> 00:56:55,680
"Maybe put aside your differences,
put on some extra trains."
787
00:56:56,181 --> 00:56:57,482
"No."
788
00:57:13,531 --> 00:57:15,467
People were trying to help, you know.
789
00:57:15,567 --> 00:57:17,802
Actually what I did was, I got a lift.
790
00:57:17,902 --> 00:57:21,306
We got to France, so I bought an old car,
a Citroën a DS.
791
00:57:21,406 --> 00:57:24,209
A beautiful old retro Citroën
and I drove through France,
792
00:57:24,309 --> 00:57:28,313
flicking my Vs at the France.
At the France. At the French even.
793
00:57:29,347 --> 00:57:31,516
I flick my V's at the France.
794
00:57:31,916 --> 00:57:33,485
I would have been Dutch there, sorry.
795
00:57:33,585 --> 00:57:35,553
I flick my V's at the France.
796
00:57:35,954 --> 00:57:40,425
It was, uh, very satisfying,
especially near the railway stations.
797
00:57:44,529 --> 00:57:47,298
And people were trying to help.
I was in this hotel in Spain
798
00:57:47,398 --> 00:57:49,577
and I phoned down to reception.
The Spanish receptionist,
799
00:57:49,601 --> 00:57:51,769
she was this woman,
quite a sexy, husky voice.
800
00:57:51,870 --> 00:57:54,305
She said,
"Don't worry, Señor Bailey.
801
00:57:54,405 --> 00:57:56,441
"I will help you reach your destiny."
802
00:58:03,715 --> 00:58:05,783
I think she was right.
I think she was right.
803
00:58:05,884 --> 00:58:09,154
My Spanish was not good enough
to respond. My Spanish is pretty poor.
804
00:58:09,254 --> 00:58:10,355
My French is all right.
805
00:58:10,455 --> 00:58:14,259
My Spanish is poor. Once a friend of mine,
another comedian, Sean Lock,
806
00:58:14,359 --> 00:58:17,629
and I, we travelled
through Colombia in South America.
807
00:58:17,729 --> 00:58:20,665
We trekked through
the Sierra Nevada de Santa Marta,
808
00:58:20,765 --> 00:58:23,234
to the Lost City, Ciudad Perdida.
809
00:58:23,468 --> 00:58:25,103
And we were woefully underprepared.
810
00:58:25,203 --> 00:58:29,073
We had a rucksack,
such as a child might use,
811
00:58:29,974 --> 00:58:32,520
we bought in the market for three quid.
It had "Sport" written on it.
812
00:58:32,544 --> 00:58:33,912
It broke in five minutes.
813
00:58:34,913 --> 00:58:36,514
We had half a packet of orange creams
814
00:58:36,614 --> 00:58:39,284
and a big bag of weed I bought
off a German arms dealer.
815
00:58:43,087 --> 00:58:45,156
"Ja, that is good stuff" "I trust you."
816
00:58:47,091 --> 00:58:49,904
So, we sat in the Lost City and we didn't
know what the hell we were doing.
817
00:58:49,928 --> 00:58:53,008
We just sat there getting mashed, going,
"Lost City, yeah, I've lost me city."
818
00:58:55,066 --> 00:58:56,935
We laughed about that for four days.
819
00:58:58,002 --> 00:58:59,562
"Where's your city?" "I can't find it."
820
00:59:04,209 --> 00:59:07,545
We had all the custard creams.
We were just going a bit insane.
821
00:59:08,680 --> 00:59:11,216
And, eventually, we confessed
the only Spanish phrases we knew.
822
00:59:11,316 --> 00:59:14,152
And I'd learnt what I thought
was quite a useful one.
823
00:59:14,252 --> 00:59:15,587
My Spanish phrase was...
824
00:59:17,155 --> 00:59:20,325
Which is, "That's all very well,
but do you have a cheaper one?"
825
00:59:23,928 --> 00:59:25,563
It has a practical use.
826
00:59:26,264 --> 00:59:29,334
Sean's phrase was a little bit more
desperate. A kind of an emergency phrase.
827
00:59:29,434 --> 00:59:30,535
His phrase was...
828
00:59:32,837 --> 00:59:34,839
Which is, "Please shoot the hairy one."
829
00:59:40,411 --> 00:59:42,213
Okay, I'd like to pay tribute now
830
00:59:42,313 --> 00:59:46,017
to a classic song, Cars by Gary Numan
in the French disco pop style.
831
01:02:12,997 --> 01:02:14,899
Oud!
832
01:02:25,810 --> 01:02:30,348
Oh, yes. Hey, let's have a stump up.
All right!
833
01:02:33,251 --> 01:02:34,452
Okay, here we go.
834
01:03:43,454 --> 01:03:45,590
Oud!
835
01:03:57,768 --> 01:03:59,770
Oud!
836
01:04:05,409 --> 01:04:07,154
I feel like I might end up
like one of those blokes
837
01:04:07,178 --> 01:04:09,089
you see at the side of the road
with two shopping bags,
838
01:04:09,113 --> 01:04:10,448
just shouting at traffic.
839
01:04:16,220 --> 01:04:17,455
I need to relax now.
840
01:04:19,357 --> 01:04:20,968
Other people have got
different ways of relaxing.
841
01:04:20,992 --> 01:04:23,461
Jennifer Aniston, she says,
"When it all gets too much,
842
01:04:23,561 --> 01:04:26,864
"I just drive up to my Malibu beach house
and shout at the ocean."
843
01:04:26,964 --> 01:04:28,165
Oh, poor old Jennifer, eh?
844
01:04:31,202 --> 01:04:33,404
Unlike the rest of us
who just get a bottle of Malibu...
845
01:04:39,877 --> 01:04:42,013
go out to the park and
shout at the pigeons.
846
01:04:43,180 --> 01:04:44,415
"I trusted you!"
847
01:04:50,721 --> 01:04:53,558
Sometimes I make a chocolate bicycle
out of two Wagon Wheels,
848
01:04:53,658 --> 01:04:56,594
some Chocolate Fingers
and I park it in a Toblerone bike rack.
849
01:05:12,677 --> 01:05:14,812
Or I take my navel fluff out
and weave it into wigs
850
01:05:14,912 --> 01:05:17,281
so that fleas could act out
Victorian melodramas.
851
01:05:19,717 --> 01:05:22,954
Actually, I was in a duty free
coming back on a plane.
852
01:05:23,054 --> 01:05:27,458
I was looking at the Toblerones.
You know, the towers of giant Toblerones,
853
01:05:27,558 --> 01:05:29,360
the ziggurat rack of Toblerones.
854
01:05:29,760 --> 01:05:32,463
I must have been drooling or something
while I was looking at it,
855
01:05:32,663 --> 01:05:35,933
'cause a bloke came out of the office,
and he came up to me and he went,
856
01:05:36,033 --> 01:05:37,501
"I've got bigger ones."
857
01:05:45,042 --> 01:05:47,878
See things like that happen to me.
I was in a shop buying a houseplant
858
01:05:47,979 --> 01:05:51,182
and the bloke said to me, "Oh, that'll
give you something to stand next to"
859
01:05:59,323 --> 01:06:01,843
"Yeah. Technically it will, mate.
I don't know in what context."
860
01:06:05,696 --> 01:06:09,567
I was thrown out of a shopping centre
for sarcasm, right.
861
01:06:11,702 --> 01:06:15,506
The security guard, a tiny little fellow,
he had a huge walkie-talkie on his hip.
862
01:06:15,606 --> 01:06:18,209
He looked like a panda
with a laptop bag on, right.
863
01:06:18,943 --> 01:06:21,979
And I said, "He looks efficient,"
and he chucked me out. Chucked me out.
864
01:06:22,079 --> 01:06:24,515
So as I was leaving, I said,
"Unhand me, sir.
865
01:06:24,615 --> 01:06:27,318
"I've been treated in this manner
by a stranger."
866
01:06:29,220 --> 01:06:31,489
Pretended to be
a 19th century southern belle.
867
01:06:32,356 --> 01:06:34,916
Well, I was dressed as a shepherdess.
Seemed a shame to waste it.
868
01:06:39,597 --> 01:06:41,141
So, I came back in and said,
"You can't chuck me out."
869
01:06:41,165 --> 01:06:43,434
And he said, "Right,"
and he called for backup.
870
01:06:43,534 --> 01:06:47,138
When he pressed the button,
this huge lummacking mal-ogre came
871
01:06:47,238 --> 01:06:49,940
sort of shambling out
of a rapid response hutch.
872
01:06:50,041 --> 01:06:54,578
This kind of knuckle-dragging, low-browed,
drooling Nickelback fan.
873
01:06:54,779 --> 01:06:55,879
Going...
874
01:06:56,814 --> 01:06:58,616
Shuffling up to me.
875
01:06:58,849 --> 01:07:02,153
And he said, "I'm authorised to use
minimum force to eject you."
876
01:07:02,253 --> 01:07:04,622
I was really intrigued
to know what minimum force might be.
877
01:07:04,722 --> 01:07:07,091
Like he's gonna waff me out
with an oriental fan.
878
01:07:12,863 --> 01:07:14,699
Flick me out with a little flicks. Ow!
879
01:07:16,300 --> 01:07:17,744
It's the joggers I don't trust, right.
880
01:07:17,768 --> 01:07:20,371
'Cause they're always the ones
that find the bodies, aren't they?
881
01:07:29,880 --> 01:07:32,183
But I'm not worried about 2012, right.
882
01:07:32,283 --> 01:07:34,952
I'm not worried about the end of days,
the Mayan calendar,
883
01:07:35,052 --> 01:07:38,556
the end of the world, the giant tsunamis.
I'm not worried about that, no.
884
01:07:38,656 --> 01:07:41,726
You know why because,
you know, as a British person, all right,
885
01:07:41,826 --> 01:07:43,894
I'm stoic. British people are very stoic.
886
01:07:43,994 --> 01:07:46,397
If that happens,
if there's a huge tsunami in London,
887
01:07:46,497 --> 01:07:49,600
there'll be a bloke on a patio
trying to get a barbecue started.
888
01:07:50,935 --> 01:07:54,939
He will look up, see a 1,000-foot wall of
water, and go, "Oh, typical. Look at that.
889
01:07:58,342 --> 01:08:00,745
"First decent bit of weather we've had,
now this.
890
01:08:01,378 --> 01:08:03,738
"Come on, we'll have to do it
on the grill inside. Come on."
891
01:08:05,449 --> 01:08:06,584
No.
892
01:08:06,684 --> 01:08:10,788
What I'm worried about in 2012
is the London Olympics opening ceremony.
893
01:08:10,888 --> 01:08:14,291
You imagine what a toe-curling,
cringe fest that is going to be.
894
01:08:14,692 --> 01:08:19,196
Every cheesy aspect of Britishness
given some toe-curling makeover.
895
01:08:19,396 --> 01:08:22,600
"Oh, look it's an inflatable Churchill
bobbing down the Thames
896
01:08:22,700 --> 01:08:24,802
"to music representing
the best of British."
897
01:08:34,845 --> 01:08:36,747
And here come the Morris dancers.
898
01:08:40,885 --> 01:08:42,586
Go, London!
899
01:08:42,720 --> 01:08:44,288
♪ Dizzee Rascal
Dizzee Rascal ♪
900
01:08:47,491 --> 01:08:50,361
They we get to Wembley Stadium
and a huge animatronic Yorkshire pudding
901
01:08:50,461 --> 01:08:52,496
is wheeled out onto the pitch.
902
01:08:52,963 --> 01:08:54,598
The crust hinges back and dancers
903
01:08:54,698 --> 01:08:57,601
representing gravy and mushy peas
capering about.
904
01:08:58,936 --> 01:09:03,140
A huge robot bulldog lumbers into view
with "Tesco, Proud Olympic Partners"
905
01:09:03,240 --> 01:09:04,575
shaved into its scrotum.
906
01:09:09,346 --> 01:09:11,949
Down its tongue, on a Stannah stairlift
comes the Queen.
907
01:09:13,617 --> 01:09:15,820
A laser from her crown
lights the Olympic torch.
908
01:09:17,421 --> 01:09:20,424
And her head snaps back like a PEZ
and a corgi shoots out of it.
909
01:09:24,061 --> 01:09:25,729
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
910
01:09:27,131 --> 01:09:29,251
I never get invited to these things.
I don't know why.
911
01:09:31,769 --> 01:09:36,106
I'll tell you who gets invited. James Blunt.
That's the sort of person who gets invited.
912
01:09:38,175 --> 01:09:41,645
James Blunt, who recently got voted
more annoying than paper cuts.
913
01:09:49,787 --> 01:09:52,223
I was listening to a song of his, right,
914
01:09:52,323 --> 01:09:55,326
and it's, when I say song, you know,
it's sounded like mawkish,
915
01:09:55,426 --> 01:09:59,964
sentimental piffle came dribbling
out the radio like oral potpourri
916
01:10:00,064 --> 01:10:03,500
from a lavender hankie drawer
of a 19th century dowager.
917
01:10:06,270 --> 01:10:07,571
And...
918
01:10:08,105 --> 01:10:11,609
Apparently, James Blunt's song,
Goodbye My Lover, is the most popular song
919
01:10:11,709 --> 01:10:13,210
played at funerals in Britain.
920
01:10:13,377 --> 01:10:15,779
Like your day's not going badly enough.
921
01:10:19,683 --> 01:10:23,487
We can't get funerals right at all, you know.
All my family have been cremated, all right.
922
01:10:23,587 --> 01:10:24,889
The dead ones, obviously.
923
01:10:27,892 --> 01:10:29,202
Yeah, that would be a bit
harsh, wouldn't it?
924
01:10:29,226 --> 01:10:31,729
"Aunty Doris, we napalmed her,
she nodded off, well.
925
01:10:33,230 --> 01:10:36,510
"Apocalypse Now was her favourite film.
It's what she would have wanted, you know."
926
01:10:38,235 --> 01:10:40,371
"The horror. The horror.
She loved that.
927
01:10:45,142 --> 01:10:48,012
"I watched a snail crawling
along a straight razor."
928
01:10:51,815 --> 01:10:54,451
This is just for about 18 people now.
So, anyway...
929
01:10:57,087 --> 01:10:59,623
Do you know what though?
It's weird getting ash.
930
01:10:59,723 --> 01:11:02,026
I just think that's weird
getting your loved one's ashes.
931
01:11:02,126 --> 01:11:03,837
You can do a new thing now.
It's called LifeGem.
932
01:11:03,861 --> 01:11:06,096
For £2,000, you could set them in a ring.
933
01:11:06,196 --> 01:11:07,164
Just how weird is that?
934
01:11:07,264 --> 01:11:08,808
"There's Uncle Frank.
Doesn't he catch the light?
935
01:11:08,832 --> 01:11:09,932
"Look at that."
936
01:11:11,135 --> 01:11:14,004
For 20 quid, you could put them
in a snow globe, couldn't you?
937
01:11:20,411 --> 01:11:21,512
"He never made it to Paris.
938
01:11:21,612 --> 01:11:23,948
"He's there now! Look. Look at that."
939
01:11:30,254 --> 01:11:32,065
So if you're not familiar
with the work of James Blunt,
940
01:11:32,089 --> 01:11:34,725
this is a bit of a primer.
941
01:11:40,931 --> 01:11:42,433
♪ I've seen truth
942
01:11:44,134 --> 01:11:45,736
♪ I've seen youth
943
01:11:47,504 --> 01:11:49,139
♪ In a booth
944
01:11:50,107 --> 01:11:51,942
♪ Near a red roof
945
01:11:53,010 --> 01:11:54,745
♪ I've seen lights
946
01:11:56,613 --> 01:11:58,349
♪ I've seen eyes
947
01:11:59,650 --> 01:12:04,755
♪ I've seen lies in the eyes of flies
948
01:12:12,029 --> 01:12:16,967
♪ But you are a beautiful flower
949
01:12:17,067 --> 01:12:19,903
♪ You bloom every hour
950
01:12:23,874 --> 01:12:26,410
♪ So precious
951
01:12:26,510 --> 01:12:29,346
♪ And revealing
952
01:12:29,413 --> 01:12:31,849
♪ Like a rabbit
953
01:12:31,949 --> 01:12:34,918
♪ Stuck to the ceiling
954
01:12:36,053 --> 01:12:37,855
♪ So beautiful
955
01:12:38,756 --> 01:12:41,158
♪ And random
956
01:12:41,258 --> 01:12:44,228
♪ Like a weasel and a duck
957
01:12:44,294 --> 01:12:46,830
♪ On a tandem
958
01:12:56,640 --> 01:12:59,376
Thank you, Dublin. Thank you!
959
01:13:04,815 --> 01:13:07,117
Oud!
960
01:13:32,042 --> 01:13:33,410
All right.
961
01:13:36,513 --> 01:13:39,483
Little bit of a west
country hip-hop for you.
962
01:13:42,319 --> 01:13:43,954
♪ Get higher, baby
♪ Get higher, baby
963
01:13:44,254 --> 01:13:45,923
♪ Get higher, baby
♪ Get higher, baby
964
01:13:46,256 --> 01:13:47,696
♪ Get higher, baby
♪ Get higher, baby
965
01:13:47,791 --> 01:13:49,393
♪ Don't you ever come down
966
01:13:51,095 --> 01:13:52,463
♪ Base
967
01:13:52,963 --> 01:13:54,598
♪ Base
968
01:14:05,542 --> 01:14:08,846
♪ White lines pure as the driven snow
969
01:14:08,946 --> 01:14:12,850
♪ Connected to my mind
and now we're having fun
970
01:14:12,950 --> 01:14:14,985
♪ A baby
♪ A baby, rang dang diggity dangy dang
971
01:14:15,085 --> 01:14:16,954
♪ Baby
♪ Ding dang diggity bong a dong
972
01:14:17,054 --> 01:14:18,889
♪ Baby
♪ Ring dang bobbity ding a dong
973
01:14:18,989 --> 01:14:21,425
♪ Diggity bombadon diggity rumbadum...
974
01:14:21,525 --> 01:14:22,893
♪ Ooh
♪ Ooh
975
01:14:23,560 --> 01:14:24,862
♪ Ah
♪ Ah
976
01:14:25,496 --> 01:14:26,997
♪ Ooh
♪ Ooh
977
01:14:29,466 --> 01:14:31,435
♪ Ooh
♪ A million magic crystals
978
01:14:31,535 --> 01:14:32,936
♪ Ah
♪ Burning pure and white
979
01:14:33,537 --> 01:14:35,372
♪ Ooh
♪ About a million dollars
980
01:14:35,472 --> 01:14:37,141
♪ Ah
♪ Almost overnight
981
01:14:37,508 --> 01:14:39,042
♪ Ooh
♪ Twice as sweet as sugar
982
01:14:39,276 --> 01:14:41,378
♪ And twice as bitter as salt
♪ Ah
983
01:14:41,478 --> 01:14:42,980
♪ And if you get hooked, baby
♪ Ooh
984
01:14:43,347 --> 01:14:44,615
♪ It's nobody else's fault
♪ Ah
985
01:14:44,715 --> 01:14:45,995
♪ So don't do it
♪ So don't do it
986
01:14:46,316 --> 01:14:47,756
♪ Get higher, baby
♪ Get higher, baby
987
01:14:48,285 --> 01:14:49,725
♪ Get higher, baby
♪ Get higher, baby
988
01:14:49,953 --> 01:14:51,155
♪ Get higher, baby
989
01:14:51,255 --> 01:14:52,765
♪ Don't you ever come down
♪ Don't you ever come down
990
01:14:52,789 --> 01:14:53,790
♪ Homebase
♪ Free base
991
01:14:53,857 --> 01:14:54,957
♪ Free base ♪
992
01:15:02,065 --> 01:15:03,165
Oud.
993
01:15:03,901 --> 01:15:05,001
And now,
994
01:15:06,036 --> 01:15:08,338
Kraftwerk play the Wurzels.
995
01:15:17,114 --> 01:15:18,749
♪ I
♪ I
996
01:15:18,982 --> 01:15:20,851
♪ I've got
♪ I've got
997
01:15:20,951 --> 01:15:22,586
♪ I've got a
♪ I've got a
998
01:15:22,920 --> 01:15:24,360
♪ I've got a brand
♪ I've got a brand
999
01:15:24,955 --> 01:15:26,715
♪ I've got a brand new
♪ I've got a brand new
1000
01:15:26,924 --> 01:15:28,759
♪ I've got a brand new
♪ I've got a brand new
1001
01:15:28,859 --> 01:15:30,827
♪ I've got a brand new
♪ I've got a brand new
1002
01:15:30,928 --> 01:15:32,848
♪ I've got a brand new ♪
♪ I've got a brand new ♪
1003
01:15:33,096 --> 01:15:36,066
♪ I drove my tractor
through your haystack last night
1004
01:15:36,166 --> 01:15:38,402
♪ Oh, ah, oh, ah
♪ I threw my pitchfork
1005
01:15:38,502 --> 01:15:40,170
♪ At your dog to keep quiet
1006
01:15:40,270 --> 01:15:42,339
♪ Oh, ah, oh, ah
♪ But something's telling me
1007
01:15:42,439 --> 01:15:44,341
♪ What?
♪ That you're avoiding me
1008
01:15:44,441 --> 01:15:46,276
♪ No
♪ Come on now, darling
1009
01:15:46,376 --> 01:15:48,812
♪ Tell me what do you need
1010
01:15:48,912 --> 01:15:52,482
♪ What is this thing
that you say you require
1011
01:15:52,950 --> 01:15:56,320
♪ Tell me some things
and I'll give you your desire
1012
01:15:56,420 --> 01:15:58,722
♪ Well, is it a cow?
♪ No
1013
01:15:58,822 --> 01:16:00,557
♪ Is it a plough?
♪ No
1014
01:16:00,657 --> 01:16:01,658
♪ Horse?
♪ No
1015
01:16:01,758 --> 01:16:02,759
♪ Hog?
♪ No
1016
01:16:02,826 --> 01:16:03,827
♪ Pig?
♪ No
1017
01:16:03,927 --> 01:16:06,263
♪ Dog?
♪ Did you call me "pig dog"
1018
01:16:06,363 --> 01:16:10,300
♪ No, I didn't call you "pig dog"
♪ You said "pig dog"
1019
01:16:10,400 --> 01:16:12,903
♪ I didn't mean "pig dog"
1020
01:16:24,715 --> 01:16:28,652
♪ Oh
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
1021
01:16:28,752 --> 01:16:30,520
♪ Oh
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
1022
01:16:30,621 --> 01:16:32,522
♪ I've got a brand-new
combine harvester
1023
01:16:32,623 --> 01:16:34,463
♪ I'll give you the key
♪ I'll give you the key
1024
01:16:34,558 --> 01:16:36,260
♪ Come on now, let's get together
1025
01:16:36,360 --> 01:16:38,028
♪ In perfect harmony
♪ In perfect harmony
1026
01:16:38,562 --> 01:16:41,965
♪ I've got 20 acres
♪ And I've got 43
1027
01:16:42,065 --> 01:16:44,501
♪ Oh, I've got a brand new
combine harvester
1028
01:16:44,601 --> 01:16:46,970
♪ I'll give you the key, ja ♪
♪ I'll give you the key, ja ♪
1029
01:16:51,441 --> 01:16:52,976
- Kevin Eldon.
- Bill Bailey.
1030
01:16:53,076 --> 01:16:54,544
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
1031
01:17:00,917 --> 01:17:03,553
Oud!
1032
01:17:21,972 --> 01:17:23,307
You know,
1033
01:17:24,041 --> 01:17:27,544
sometimes what I like to do to relax.
I put my, you know...
1034
01:17:28,145 --> 01:17:29,746
'Cause Revels right...
1035
01:17:29,846 --> 01:17:33,083
I like to put my head in a bucket
and eat a packet of Revels, right.
1036
01:17:34,084 --> 01:17:36,586
Because let's be honest,
the magic of Revels is over, isn't it?
1037
01:17:37,187 --> 01:17:41,224
We know what the filling's gonna be
from the size and shape of the Revel.
1038
01:17:42,693 --> 01:17:45,662
But if you put your head in a bucket,
it makes the identification process
1039
01:17:45,762 --> 01:17:47,331
a little bit more difficult.
1040
01:17:53,036 --> 01:17:54,213
I feel I'm getting a bit old, you know.
1041
01:17:54,237 --> 01:17:57,307
The other day, I had this overwhelming
compunction to garden.
1042
01:17:59,009 --> 01:18:00,687
I put on some cricket pads
and went out in the garden
1043
01:18:00,711 --> 01:18:02,121
and I didn't know what
the hell I was doing.
1044
01:18:02,145 --> 01:18:05,315
I was digging with a fork
out of the kitchen drawer,
1045
01:18:05,415 --> 01:18:07,655
sowing Tic Tacs.
I didn't know what the hell I was doing.
1046
01:18:10,053 --> 01:18:12,889
After a bit, I just got bored.
I just started burying cheap spoons
1047
01:18:12,989 --> 01:18:15,325
to baffle the archaeologists of the future.
1048
01:18:23,133 --> 01:18:26,136
I would like to finish up
with a short poem, thank you.
1049
01:18:27,170 --> 01:18:30,273
This is called Since You've Been Gone,I've Been Alone.
1050
01:18:39,416 --> 01:18:42,386
Since you've been gone, I've been alone
1051
01:18:42,486 --> 01:18:44,621
Like an arm without a bone
1052
01:18:44,721 --> 01:18:47,758
Dangling limply like a phone
that's out of charge
1053
01:18:47,858 --> 01:18:50,026
Like Homer without Marge
1054
01:18:50,694 --> 01:18:54,865
Like an egg without a spoon
Like a dugong on the moon
1055
01:18:54,965 --> 01:18:59,469
Like a clown fish without Nemo
Like Twilight without emo
1056
01:19:06,243 --> 01:19:10,447
Like Hardy without Laurel
Like high ground without the moral
1057
01:19:10,547 --> 01:19:14,317
Like Disney without Walt
Like battery without assault
1058
01:19:20,524 --> 01:19:24,961
Like a pet shop without gerbils
Like Hitler without Goebbels
1059
01:19:28,799 --> 01:19:30,634
Running naked through a wedding
1060
01:19:33,737 --> 01:19:35,972
Driving fast, way out past Reading
1061
01:19:41,178 --> 01:19:44,648
Children slaughter kittens
playing with their nail gun...
1062
01:19:52,989 --> 01:19:56,593
Oh, children's laughter,
kittens playing, Withnail And I
1063
01:19:56,693 --> 01:19:58,395
Gone are these pleasures
1064
01:20:05,936 --> 01:20:10,273
Like a dilemma without the di,
just a lemma and a sigh
1065
01:20:11,775 --> 01:20:15,979
Like deja without vu,
I'm nothing without you
1066
01:20:17,681 --> 01:20:21,418
Till the day that you come back,
I'm like Whitney without crack
1067
01:20:35,799 --> 01:20:37,968
Oud.
1068
01:20:40,203 --> 01:20:42,772
Oud.
1069
01:20:55,519 --> 01:20:57,020
Thank you!
1070
01:21:02,592 --> 01:21:04,361
Oud!
1071
01:21:09,165 --> 01:21:10,901
Thank you, I would like to...
1072
01:21:13,203 --> 01:21:16,640
I'd like to finish up with a short film,
thank you.
1073
01:23:14,958 --> 01:23:17,727
Thank you! Thank you, Dublin
1074
01:23:20,730 --> 01:23:22,565
Thank you, Dublin!
1075
01:23:25,101 --> 01:23:26,569
Thank you!
1076
01:23:28,905 --> 01:23:33,643
Oud.
1077
01:23:35,078 --> 01:23:36,579
Thank you for coming!
1078
01:23:40,750 --> 01:23:43,820
You're a fantastic audience!
Thank you, Dublin!
1079
01:23:48,892 --> 01:23:51,027
I'm Bill Bailey. Thanks for coming!
1080
01:23:51,094 --> 01:23:52,262
Good night!
1081
01:27:13,062 --> 01:27:14,931
Oud!
1082
01:27:33,683 --> 01:27:34,918
Hello.
1083
01:27:39,622 --> 01:27:42,792
So I guess you're like the hardcore
of this night, are you?
1084
01:27:54,270 --> 01:27:58,174
Here's a little song
called Midnight in Parliament Square.
1085
01:28:00,710 --> 01:28:03,413
♪ A cat cries out in the night
1086
01:28:06,282 --> 01:28:08,551
♪ A dog cries out in the night
1087
01:28:12,155 --> 01:28:14,857
♪ A cat and a dog cry out in the night
1088
01:28:14,924 --> 01:28:16,359
♪ Meow, woof
1089
01:28:17,927 --> 01:28:22,398
♪ Two cats and a dog cry out in the night
1090
01:28:22,765 --> 01:28:25,268
♪ Meow, woof, meow
1091
01:28:27,470 --> 01:28:31,607
♪ But the government, ruh, ruh,
ruh, ruh, ruh, doesn't hear
1092
01:28:34,177 --> 01:28:36,612
♪ It's just the politics of fear
1093
01:28:43,319 --> 01:28:45,521
♪ A tramp cries out in the night
1094
01:28:49,092 --> 01:28:51,127
♪ A tramp and a cat cry out in the night
1095
01:28:51,227 --> 01:28:53,162
♪ Eh, eh, shut up, meow
1096
01:28:54,731 --> 01:28:57,100
♪ Two tramps and a cat cry out in the night
1097
01:28:57,200 --> 01:29:01,871
♪ Eh, eh, fuckin' see you, meow
Oh, polly, fuck off...
1098
01:29:03,473 --> 01:29:07,910
♪ Two tramps, a dog and a cat
cry out in the night
1099
01:29:08,011 --> 01:29:11,914
♪ Eh, someoneinnitaround, meow, oh, ah...
1100
01:29:15,752 --> 01:29:21,190
♪ And it's midnight, bong,
in Parliament Square
1101
01:29:22,358 --> 01:29:25,294
♪ Midnight in Parliament Square ♪
1102
01:30:16,679 --> 01:30:19,482
Okay, Dublin hardcore, this is your turn.
1103
01:30:19,849 --> 01:30:22,085
♪ A cat cries out in the night
1104
01:30:25,288 --> 01:30:27,190
♪ A dog cries out in the night
1105
01:30:31,027 --> 01:30:33,129
♪ A weasel cries out in the night
1106
01:30:36,566 --> 01:30:38,835
♪ A bat cries out in the night
1107
01:30:45,108 --> 01:30:47,009
♪ A dolphin cries out in the night
1108
01:30:51,481 --> 01:30:53,683
Have you ever seen a dolphin?
1109
01:30:54,350 --> 01:30:56,185
Oh, yeah, fungi, yeah.
1110
01:30:59,222 --> 01:31:01,524
♪ A tortoise cries out in the night
1111
01:31:04,160 --> 01:31:06,963
♪ A capuchin monkey with Tourette's
cries out in the night
1112
01:31:12,568 --> 01:31:14,837
♪ A tramp cries out in the night
1113
01:31:17,740 --> 01:31:20,276
♪ Supertramp cries out in the night ♪
1114
01:31:23,279 --> 01:31:25,281
Quite well-spoken tramps.
1115
01:31:26,149 --> 01:31:29,285
Have you got 25 Euros
for some Lapsang Souchong?
1116
01:31:31,487 --> 01:31:37,160
♪ Midnight in Parliament Square ♪
1117
01:31:50,706 --> 01:31:52,074
Thank you!
1118
01:31:55,845 --> 01:31:57,713
Oud!
1119
01:32:04,453 --> 01:32:05,821
Goodnight!
1120
01:32:10,359 --> 01:32:11,761
Thank you, Dublin.
1121
01:32:17,233 --> 01:32:19,101
Oud!
1122
01:32:35,718 --> 01:32:37,053
Thank you.
91318
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