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1
00:00:03,282 --> 00:00:05,235
Previously on "You Me Her"...
2
00:00:05,237 --> 00:00:06,751
Then what are you doing here?
3
00:00:06,752 --> 00:00:08,886
- I'm looking for a girl.
- I knew it!
4
00:00:08,888 --> 00:00:10,160
Who was that chick who got dropped off
5
00:00:10,162 --> 00:00:11,402
at your house two nights ago?
6
00:00:11,404 --> 00:00:13,113
She's my niece. Jackie.
7
00:00:13,115 --> 00:00:15,026
We have a serious fucking Lori problem.
8
00:00:15,027 --> 00:00:16,286
Will Jack's niece be joining us?
9
00:00:16,288 --> 00:00:17,888
- Jack's niece?
- What is her name again?
10
00:00:17,890 --> 00:00:19,697
- Oh, uh, Izzy?
- Izzy.
11
00:00:19,698 --> 00:00:22,634
Jack told Ava that her name was Jackie.
12
00:00:22,635 --> 00:00:24,369
Andy, why'd you follow me here
13
00:00:24,370 --> 00:00:26,504
- to... to my uncle's house?
- Right.
14
00:00:26,745 --> 00:00:27,839
Uncle Jack.
15
00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:29,841
You are too good for me. You know?
16
00:00:29,842 --> 00:00:31,442
Yeah. You know what? I think you're right.
17
00:00:33,870 --> 00:00:35,854
You're not gonna make me
drink this all by myself,
18
00:00:36,628 --> 00:00:37,628
right?
19
00:00:40,761 --> 00:00:42,572
I've been working crazy hours
20
00:00:42,574 --> 00:00:44,990
on this huge pitch for
a... a fancy new theater
21
00:00:44,991 --> 00:00:46,682
at The Hamilton School, where Jack works?
22
00:00:46,683 --> 00:00:48,149
There's a million people
I could come to for advice.
23
00:00:48,151 --> 00:00:50,180
I come to you. I have a
lot on my plate right now.
24
00:00:50,182 --> 00:00:51,430
What?! Ow.
25
00:00:51,432 --> 00:00:53,731
We agree that this is a
business arrangement, right?
26
00:00:53,732 --> 00:00:55,867
- You never cashed the check?
- No.
27
00:00:57,870 --> 00:00:59,411
I love us.
28
00:01:00,454 --> 00:01:03,668
You know, not just the sex, but, like, us.
29
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:05,948
Me too.
30
00:01:07,079 --> 00:01:08,255
Me three.
31
00:01:31,619 --> 00:01:33,175
What are you thinking?
32
00:01:34,039 --> 00:01:35,684
What are you thinking?
33
00:01:36,175 --> 00:01:38,810
I'm thinking that a college student
34
00:01:38,812 --> 00:01:40,729
slept between us in our bed last night.
35
00:01:41,647 --> 00:01:43,311
Yeah. After we all had sex together.
36
00:01:43,313 --> 00:01:45,249
I think that... that's
the headline, honey.
37
00:01:45,250 --> 00:01:46,446
Right.
38
00:01:46,962 --> 00:01:48,052
And she's still here.
39
00:01:48,053 --> 00:01:50,989
She's in the bedroom while
we're gonna head off to work.
40
00:01:50,990 --> 00:01:53,376
I... I feel weird about that.
Is it weird that I feel weird?
41
00:01:54,059 --> 00:01:56,047
Remember that recurring
dream I kept having,
42
00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:57,463
where we were both in that Porsche,
43
00:01:57,465 --> 00:01:58,805
like 90 miles an hour,
44
00:01:58,807 --> 00:02:00,216
laughing and drinking,
45
00:02:01,091 --> 00:02:02,104
and then we look at each other,
46
00:02:02,106 --> 00:02:03,901
and we realize that
we're both in the backseat
47
00:02:03,903 --> 00:02:05,269
and nobody's at the wheel?
48
00:02:05,270 --> 00:02:06,738
Yeah. You had that dream again?
49
00:02:06,739 --> 00:02:08,206
I need you to tell me that we're not
50
00:02:08,207 --> 00:02:09,407
in the backseat while our life
51
00:02:09,408 --> 00:02:10,875
is just crashing through a guardrail,
52
00:02:10,876 --> 00:02:13,678
down a mountain to a fiery, horrible end.
53
00:02:13,679 --> 00:02:15,680
No. Here, we made a choice.
54
00:02:15,681 --> 00:02:17,415
This was a choice, here.
55
00:02:17,416 --> 00:02:18,750
We... we did it with our eyes open
56
00:02:18,751 --> 00:02:20,485
and our hands on the wheel.
57
00:02:20,486 --> 00:02:23,688
We knew what we were
doing. And w... we can...
58
00:02:23,689 --> 00:02:25,957
And what we do next is... is up to us.
59
00:02:25,958 --> 00:02:27,291
Yeah.
60
00:02:27,292 --> 00:02:28,626
Wait. Did you just shrink me?
61
00:02:30,229 --> 00:02:31,562
I don't know what you're talking about.
62
00:02:31,563 --> 00:02:33,297
But your hour is up.
63
00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:37,102
Easy, tiger. We're gonna be late.
64
00:02:37,403 --> 00:02:39,794
Well, your hand down
my pants is sending me
65
00:02:39,799 --> 00:02:40,772
a pretty mixed message
right now, I have to admit.
66
00:02:40,773 --> 00:02:41,973
Oh, well, look at that.
67
00:02:41,974 --> 00:02:43,375
- Yeah.
- My bad.
68
00:02:44,643 --> 00:02:46,311
Thanks.
69
00:02:49,715 --> 00:02:51,849
So, d... did we all profess
our love to each other
70
00:02:51,850 --> 00:02:53,718
last night, or did I just imagine that?
71
00:02:53,719 --> 00:02:55,319
I had time to sift through the forensics
72
00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:56,921
while inspecting the ceiling last night,
73
00:02:56,922 --> 00:02:59,057
and here's what I came up with...
74
00:02:59,058 --> 00:03:00,525
Izzy said, "I love us."
75
00:03:00,526 --> 00:03:02,527
Not you, not me, us.
76
00:03:02,528 --> 00:03:05,329
Like the three of us, together.
77
00:03:05,330 --> 00:03:06,664
Right. So when we said it back,
78
00:03:06,665 --> 00:03:08,266
we didn't really mean "I love you,"
79
00:03:08,267 --> 00:03:10,935
we just were celebrating?
80
00:03:10,936 --> 00:03:14,272
Us, the situation, the
three of us together.
81
00:03:14,273 --> 00:03:15,740
Okay.
82
00:03:15,741 --> 00:03:16,808
What does that mean, "the
three of us together"?
83
00:03:16,809 --> 00:03:18,142
Are you referring to like
84
00:03:18,143 --> 00:03:20,144
us actually physically
together in the bed,
85
00:03:20,145 --> 00:03:23,214
or, like, are we a...
are we together, together?
86
00:03:23,215 --> 00:03:25,750
Like the three of us could be dating?
87
00:03:25,751 --> 00:03:28,152
Like the three of us
are seeing each other?
88
00:03:28,153 --> 00:03:30,021
I mean, I don't even know how
that would work, physically.
89
00:03:30,022 --> 00:03:32,156
How could we... ? If we
walk down the sidewalk,
90
00:03:32,157 --> 00:03:35,093
people wouldn't be able to get around us.
91
00:03:35,094 --> 00:03:36,561
Like, society would crumble.
92
00:03:36,562 --> 00:03:39,230
The whole pedestrian system
w... would fall apart.
93
00:03:39,231 --> 00:03:40,965
I mean, would Izzy sit between us
94
00:03:40,966 --> 00:03:42,433
at the movies and hold a pop-corn
95
00:03:42,434 --> 00:03:43,901
What about Christmas and Thanksgiving?
96
00:03:43,902 --> 00:03:45,770
Would she come with us, with our families,
97
00:03:45,771 --> 00:03:47,839
sitting down at dinner?
98
00:03:48,841 --> 00:03:52,176
And we are back to the
fiery, horrible end.
99
00:04:02,988 --> 00:04:05,123
Ugh.
100
00:04:05,124 --> 00:04:09,861
God damn it, you slut.
101
00:04:14,733 --> 00:04:18,069
Oh, hello worst decision ever.
102
00:04:18,070 --> 00:04:20,539
Hey, listen. I'm sorry, okay?
103
00:04:23,142 --> 00:04:25,810
If it helps, I kind of
hate myself right now, too.
104
00:04:25,811 --> 00:04:27,812
You know, I'm not that guy
and you're not that girl.
105
00:04:27,813 --> 00:04:30,748
- It's just...
- We are what we do, Andrew,
106
00:04:30,749 --> 00:04:33,352
the accumulation of our choices.
107
00:04:35,821 --> 00:04:39,023
Hey, Nina.
108
00:04:39,024 --> 00:04:41,692
Can we just agree to blame Izzy
109
00:04:41,693 --> 00:04:43,961
and move on with our lives
like this never happened?
110
00:04:43,962 --> 00:04:45,429
Definitely.
111
00:04:45,430 --> 00:04:47,565
There they are.
112
00:04:47,566 --> 00:04:49,967
Hi, my two lovers.
113
00:04:49,968 --> 00:04:51,302
Hey.
114
00:04:53,705 --> 00:04:54,772
Sorry.
115
00:04:54,773 --> 00:04:56,240
Lovers.
116
00:04:56,241 --> 00:04:57,975
I'm totally gonna rock that word
117
00:04:57,976 --> 00:04:59,443
and just put the onus on everybody
118
00:04:59,444 --> 00:05:01,712
to figure out if I'm being serious or not.
119
00:05:01,713 --> 00:05:03,648
- Hi.
- Hi.
120
00:05:06,652 --> 00:05:09,720
Well, someone's having quite the morning.
121
00:05:09,721 --> 00:05:11,322
Hmm?
122
00:05:11,323 --> 00:05:13,324
I copped a feel, too, so...
123
00:05:13,325 --> 00:05:14,392
You did?
124
00:05:14,393 --> 00:05:15,726
He's doing very well this morning.
125
00:05:15,727 --> 00:05:17,328
Well, that hardly seems fair.
126
00:05:17,329 --> 00:05:19,330
Two cops?
127
00:05:19,331 --> 00:05:22,067
You look really nice.
128
00:05:23,735 --> 00:05:26,137
- Okay, wow. Um...
- What?
129
00:05:26,138 --> 00:05:28,139
Uh, I, uh...
130
00:05:28,140 --> 00:05:29,473
You're adorable,
131
00:05:29,474 --> 00:05:32,677
especially when you stammer like that.
132
00:05:37,216 --> 00:05:39,750
Okay. Okay. I... this? This area here
133
00:05:39,751 --> 00:05:42,286
- is, uh, closed for business because I got to run.
- Okay.
134
00:05:42,287 --> 00:05:44,288
I have really big prelim
presentation at The Hamilton School.
135
00:05:44,289 --> 00:05:47,091
Wait, wait, wait. I thought...
I thought we could play hooky.
136
00:05:47,092 --> 00:05:50,428
I was lying in bed, formulating
a plan for an awesome day.
137
00:05:50,429 --> 00:05:53,497
Thought we could hit The Pearl.
138
00:05:53,498 --> 00:05:55,900
Throw back a pilsner, maybe seven,
139
00:05:55,901 --> 00:05:58,436
get the sunlight buzz going on.
140
00:05:58,437 --> 00:05:59,904
You know? Or maybe we could...
141
00:05:59,905 --> 00:06:01,105
we could go somewhere else, maybe.
142
00:06:01,106 --> 00:06:03,241
Yeah? Yeah?
143
00:06:03,242 --> 00:06:06,444
We have jobs to go to in the adult world.
144
00:06:06,445 --> 00:06:09,513
It's the big week for me, with
this whole dean thing happening.
145
00:06:11,383 --> 00:06:13,918
It's my Alumni Board is
reviewing me this week.
146
00:06:13,919 --> 00:06:15,253
Oh, yeah?
147
00:06:15,254 --> 00:06:17,788
What, were you guys
148
00:06:17,789 --> 00:06:19,657
like talking behind my back or something?
149
00:06:19,658 --> 00:06:21,525
Well, Isabelle, we're married,
150
00:06:21,526 --> 00:06:23,527
so we're kind of talking
behind the whole world's back,
151
00:06:23,528 --> 00:06:24,996
like every day, all the time, so...
152
00:06:24,997 --> 00:06:26,464
"Isabelle"? What the fuck is that?
153
00:06:26,465 --> 00:06:27,798
Right. We were... we were...
154
00:06:27,799 --> 00:06:29,400
It was mostly good things.
155
00:06:29,401 --> 00:06:31,135
Oh, yeah? Like what?
156
00:06:31,136 --> 00:06:32,603
Hmm?
157
00:06:32,604 --> 00:06:35,406
Think I'll call you
Asshole and Other Asshole.
158
00:06:35,407 --> 00:06:37,008
How's that?
159
00:06:37,009 --> 00:06:38,342
I think maybe you should...
160
00:06:38,343 --> 00:06:40,077
should calm down a little bit. That's...
161
00:06:40,078 --> 00:06:42,480
I'm sure that's very easy for you to say.
162
00:06:42,481 --> 00:06:44,482
You're not the one being
treated like the one-night stand
163
00:06:44,483 --> 00:06:45,950
who lingered too long.
164
00:06:45,951 --> 00:06:48,085
Izzy, I'm sorry.
165
00:06:48,086 --> 00:06:50,354
I do not want to make you feel that way.
166
00:06:50,355 --> 00:06:52,623
I mean, and, seriously, last night was...
167
00:06:52,624 --> 00:06:55,026
It was like one of the
best nights of my life.
168
00:06:55,027 --> 00:06:56,627
Yeah. Me too. This is...
169
00:06:56,628 --> 00:06:58,830
We just have to go to
work. That's all this is.
170
00:07:01,566 --> 00:07:04,635
Uh, guys, could I get a could ride, or...
171
00:07:04,636 --> 00:07:07,171
or do you want me just to call my pimp?
172
00:07:07,172 --> 00:07:09,774
I have a... you can...
173
00:07:14,513 --> 00:07:15,846
I can take you.
174
00:07:15,847 --> 00:07:18,115
What happened here?
175
00:07:22,521 --> 00:07:24,255
Hey, what the hell?!
176
00:07:24,256 --> 00:07:26,657
What, you want to make
some more small talk?
177
00:07:26,658 --> 00:07:28,793
Oh, I'm sorry if ordinary
adult conversation
178
00:07:28,794 --> 00:07:30,928
is too pedantic and bourgeois for you.
179
00:07:30,929 --> 00:07:32,797
Oh, fine.
180
00:07:32,798 --> 00:07:35,466
How goes the architecting?
What is your favorite season?
181
00:07:35,467 --> 00:07:38,002
Are you binge-watching
anything interesting lately?
182
00:07:38,003 --> 00:07:40,004
How about those Blazers, huh?
183
00:07:40,005 --> 00:07:43,607
All that playing and shooting
or whatever else they do?
184
00:07:44,943 --> 00:07:46,677
You're right.
185
00:07:46,678 --> 00:07:48,279
This is so much better
than actually saying
186
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:50,681
what we're actually fucking thinking.
187
00:07:50,682 --> 00:07:52,149
Holy shit!
188
00:07:52,150 --> 00:07:54,418
It's Izzy. Um...
189
00:07:54,419 --> 00:07:56,821
- What?
- It's time to scoot.
190
00:07:56,822 --> 00:07:58,956
- It's time to go home, now.
- Just move!
191
00:07:58,957 --> 00:08:00,958
Don't. I, um...
192
00:08:00,959 --> 00:08:02,560
That... that's nice. Thank you.
193
00:08:02,561 --> 00:08:04,161
Thank you for the effort, kiddo.
194
00:08:04,162 --> 00:08:05,629
Don't mention it, Other Asshole.
195
00:08:05,630 --> 00:08:09,500
Izzy seems a bit with
miffed, uh, Aunt Emma.
196
00:08:09,501 --> 00:08:12,036
You really need to go, like now.
197
00:08:12,037 --> 00:08:13,371
No, no, no, no.
198
00:08:13,372 --> 00:08:16,040
Ah!
199
00:08:16,041 --> 00:08:17,508
For the record... you made an effort.
200
00:08:17,509 --> 00:08:19,711
You tried, but I'm gonna watch this.
201
00:08:21,780 --> 00:08:23,381
Ugh.
202
00:08:23,382 --> 00:08:25,516
What... what's this? Are...
are you having a stroke?
203
00:08:25,517 --> 00:08:28,719
Just... I don't know. Uh, maybe?
204
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,721
Look, it's a lot, Izzy.
205
00:08:30,722 --> 00:08:32,723
I mean, it is so much.
206
00:08:32,724 --> 00:08:34,458
I... I... I'm just...
207
00:08:34,459 --> 00:08:36,861
I'm trying to sort
through it and make sense.
208
00:08:36,862 --> 00:08:39,197
I'm fucking terrified.
209
00:08:40,599 --> 00:08:43,000
Are you too scared?
210
00:08:43,001 --> 00:08:44,669
I don't know.
211
00:08:46,738 --> 00:08:48,273
Maybe.
212
00:08:52,077 --> 00:08:53,411
Don't forget, though.
213
00:08:53,412 --> 00:08:54,879
Forget what?
214
00:09:10,228 --> 00:09:11,896
That.
215
00:09:22,641 --> 00:09:24,042
Fuck.
216
00:09:45,997 --> 00:09:48,199
Fuck!
217
00:09:54,673 --> 00:09:56,540
You know what, Andy?
218
00:09:56,541 --> 00:09:58,542
I'm really not in the fucking
mood to do this or whatever.
219
00:09:58,543 --> 00:10:00,945
My, my, my.
220
00:10:00,946 --> 00:10:03,614
You kiss your aunt with that mouth?
221
00:10:03,615 --> 00:10:05,016
What?
222
00:10:07,085 --> 00:10:09,220
One more thing... um...
223
00:10:09,221 --> 00:10:11,622
eat shit.
224
00:10:11,623 --> 00:10:13,558
And lose my fucking number.
225
00:10:16,027 --> 00:10:17,829
That's actually two things.
226
00:10:19,898 --> 00:10:21,899
You got me.
227
00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:23,835
You really got me.
228
00:10:25,370 --> 00:10:27,038
Fuck.
229
00:10:36,982 --> 00:10:38,716
We got a problem, too?
230
00:10:38,717 --> 00:10:41,118
Uh, no.
231
00:10:41,119 --> 00:10:43,521
Y... you can nuke that.
232
00:10:43,522 --> 00:10:44,855
He left very suddenly
233
00:10:44,856 --> 00:10:47,325
after watching you
make out with your aunt.
234
00:10:59,004 --> 00:11:02,406
- Do I really have to ask?
- Ask what?
235
00:11:02,741 --> 00:11:04,742
What Andy was doing here.
236
00:11:04,743 --> 00:11:06,343
W... wh... he was about
to have a cup of coffee.
237
00:11:06,344 --> 00:11:07,411
Did I not just say that?
238
00:11:07,412 --> 00:11:08,746
Andy came all the way over here
239
00:11:08,747 --> 00:11:11,015
to have coffee at 7:30 a.m.?
240
00:11:11,016 --> 00:11:13,951
Yeah. It's a pretty
common time for coffee.
241
00:11:13,952 --> 00:11:15,953
You work nights and your
first class is at noon.
242
00:11:15,954 --> 00:11:17,821
You don't even know what 7:30 looks like.
243
00:11:17,822 --> 00:11:20,090
Has it occurred to you that
maybe Andy knocking on the door
244
00:11:20,091 --> 00:11:21,559
is the reason that I woke up?
245
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:24,228
Or maybe I had to study.
246
00:11:24,229 --> 00:11:25,419
So which is it?
247
00:11:25,421 --> 00:11:26,627
Oh, pick one.
248
00:11:26,629 --> 00:11:29,428
- Stop it.
- Stop what, dearest?
249
00:11:29,568 --> 00:11:30,919
That.
250
00:11:30,921 --> 00:11:33,492
Oh, you mean, um, the
passive-aggressive calm?
251
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:35,545
See, I'm just trying not to kill you
252
00:11:35,547 --> 00:11:37,708
for smearing your mental
breakdown all over me.
253
00:11:37,709 --> 00:11:39,443
If I make it all the way over there
254
00:11:39,444 --> 00:11:40,911
and those stupid-ass glasses
255
00:11:40,912 --> 00:11:42,513
are still on that stupid-ass face,
256
00:11:42,514 --> 00:11:44,648
I'm gonna break them into tiny pieces
257
00:11:44,649 --> 00:11:47,318
and shove each and every
one up your self-righteous...
258
00:11:47,319 --> 00:11:50,654
If you so much as touch
259
00:11:50,655 --> 00:11:52,389
my very excellent glasses,
260
00:11:52,390 --> 00:11:54,124
I'm gonna beat you until my arms go numb,
261
00:11:54,125 --> 00:11:55,859
at which point, the kicking will commence.
262
00:11:55,860 --> 00:11:57,061
Is that right?
263
00:11:57,062 --> 00:11:58,529
'Cause you look pretty hungover.
264
00:11:58,530 --> 00:11:59,997
I'm sure I could take you.
265
00:11:59,998 --> 00:12:01,865
Okay. All right.
266
00:12:01,866 --> 00:12:04,134
Try it. I dare you.
267
00:12:15,347 --> 00:12:16,947
- Don't. Don't.
- I'm not.
268
00:12:16,948 --> 00:12:19,617
- Don't cry.
- I'm trying not to.
269
00:12:19,618 --> 00:12:21,885
That is not fair, okay?
270
00:12:21,886 --> 00:12:23,288
Is it working?
271
00:12:27,626 --> 00:12:29,427
Get over here.
272
00:12:31,896 --> 00:12:35,099
Come here.
273
00:12:39,771 --> 00:12:42,640
Um, so is this just about Andy?
274
00:12:44,843 --> 00:12:47,378
No. It's about me.
275
00:12:47,379 --> 00:12:50,981
I just think Andy was collateral damage.
276
00:12:50,982 --> 00:12:54,923
That's a... that's a pithy
line. You care to elaborate?
277
00:12:59,658 --> 00:13:01,659
Oh, man.
278
00:13:01,660 --> 00:13:05,396
So... last night,
279
00:13:05,397 --> 00:13:08,399
I had the first threesome of my life.
280
00:13:10,201 --> 00:13:12,069
It was pretty amazing.
281
00:13:12,070 --> 00:13:13,537
Actually, I need a better word for that
282
00:13:13,538 --> 00:13:15,939
'cause I use that for,
like, sour Jelly Bellys
283
00:13:15,940 --> 00:13:18,876
and boots and pretty much everything else.
284
00:13:18,877 --> 00:13:21,679
This was like...
285
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,147
like transformative.
286
00:13:23,148 --> 00:13:25,416
I'm... I'm pretty sure
my hair had an orgasm.
287
00:13:25,417 --> 00:13:27,418
Okay.
288
00:13:27,419 --> 00:13:30,220
So, you got it on with
your aunt and uncle.
289
00:13:30,221 --> 00:13:31,155
Whoo-hoo.
290
00:13:31,156 --> 00:13:33,290
Please stop calling them that.
291
00:13:33,291 --> 00:13:35,693
Okay. So you and this...
this married couple
292
00:13:35,694 --> 00:13:37,027
that you're dating.
293
00:13:37,028 --> 00:13:38,362
That's... that's the thing.
294
00:13:38,363 --> 00:13:40,497
That's the problem.
Like, we're not dating.
295
00:13:40,498 --> 00:13:42,900
We're not becoming
anything, like a throuple,
296
00:13:42,901 --> 00:13:44,368
or whatever the fuck you call it.
297
00:13:44,369 --> 00:13:45,569
I don't know. We're just like...
298
00:13:45,570 --> 00:13:49,173
Yeah. You're a business arrangement.
299
00:13:49,174 --> 00:13:51,975
Not anymore.
300
00:13:51,976 --> 00:13:54,378
What?
301
00:13:54,379 --> 00:13:57,047
I kind of ripped up the check.
302
00:13:59,184 --> 00:14:00,651
You... I...
303
00:14:00,652 --> 00:14:04,254
Okay. I must have, like,
premium vodka in my ears
304
00:14:04,255 --> 00:14:05,723
because I swear that you just said
305
00:14:05,724 --> 00:14:06,924
that you ripped up the check.
306
00:14:06,925 --> 00:14:08,258
That's crazy.
307
00:14:08,259 --> 00:14:10,794
Yeah, 'cause I'm not a prostitute, so...
308
00:14:10,795 --> 00:14:12,129
Oh.
309
00:14:12,130 --> 00:14:14,531
Okay. So, then, what are you?
310
00:14:14,532 --> 00:14:16,800
Well, uh, I guess, at this point,
311
00:14:16,801 --> 00:14:18,669
I'm just...
312
00:14:18,670 --> 00:14:22,005
their booty call?
313
00:14:22,006 --> 00:14:23,207
I don't know.
314
00:14:23,208 --> 00:14:26,944
Hey, those assholes, they led you on.
315
00:14:26,945 --> 00:14:29,213
They... they made you think
316
00:14:29,214 --> 00:14:32,816
that it could become
something that it's not,
317
00:14:32,817 --> 00:14:34,952
which makes you a
fucking idiot, no offense.
318
00:14:34,953 --> 00:14:38,021
How is that not offensive?
319
00:14:38,022 --> 00:14:40,157
You're their Andy, okay?
320
00:14:40,158 --> 00:14:43,627
Their plaything, someone
that you keep "on simmer."
321
00:14:43,628 --> 00:14:45,095
So what? You're suggesting what,
322
00:14:45,096 --> 00:14:46,830
like karmic justice here, or something?
323
00:14:46,831 --> 00:14:50,300
Yeah. I mean, if the
asshat fits, then wear it.
324
00:14:50,301 --> 00:14:53,103
I get you're trying to do
like the tough-love thing here,
325
00:14:53,104 --> 00:14:55,372
but, like, you really suck at this.
326
00:14:55,373 --> 00:14:58,442
Or am I amazing, nay,
transformative, right?
327
00:14:58,443 --> 00:14:59,510
- You're not.
- Yes, I am.
328
00:14:59,511 --> 00:15:00,844
You are absolutely not.
329
00:15:00,845 --> 00:15:02,312
I am good at this.
330
00:15:02,313 --> 00:15:05,382
I am the cold, hard truth, Izzy.
331
00:15:05,383 --> 00:15:07,384
Maybe the cold and the hard.
332
00:15:07,385 --> 00:15:09,119
Aw.
333
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:11,922
I'm gonna miss this when
you're institutionalized,
334
00:15:11,923 --> 00:15:14,057
when they lock you up.
335
00:15:14,058 --> 00:15:17,261
The banter. We're so good at it.
336
00:15:17,262 --> 00:15:18,796
I love you.
337
00:15:21,266 --> 00:15:22,599
I love you, too.
338
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:27,271
And I...
339
00:15:27,272 --> 00:15:30,808
fucked Andy, um... and I got to go.
340
00:15:32,877 --> 00:15:35,480
Bye.
341
00:15:38,483 --> 00:15:40,350
It's gonna take me a second
342
00:15:40,351 --> 00:15:43,153
to digest all this information.
343
00:15:43,154 --> 00:15:44,354
Looks like it's gonna take you a month
344
00:15:44,355 --> 00:15:46,424
to digest that crêpe-wrapped cow.
345
00:15:48,493 --> 00:15:49,827
That's so gross, man.
346
00:15:49,828 --> 00:15:51,829
- What's in yours?
- Healthy stuff.
347
00:15:51,830 --> 00:15:53,831
Hmm? With your special sauce of estrogen
348
00:15:53,832 --> 00:15:55,699
and your big brother's disappointment?
349
00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:57,034
Can you, like, close your mouth?
350
00:15:57,035 --> 00:15:58,368
There's people here that don't...
351
00:15:58,369 --> 00:16:00,771
Enjoy your life, dude, okay?
352
00:16:00,772 --> 00:16:02,773
- Swallow it whole.
- I am.
353
00:16:02,774 --> 00:16:05,042
And stop surviving.
354
00:16:05,043 --> 00:16:07,177
Start living.
355
00:16:07,178 --> 00:16:09,179
I am living.
356
00:16:09,180 --> 00:16:10,647
You're saying I shouldn't be afraid
357
00:16:10,648 --> 00:16:12,916
of going public with Izzy?
358
00:16:12,917 --> 00:16:15,452
Should just kind of
like show her as we are
359
00:16:15,453 --> 00:16:17,721
and... and face the consequences?
360
00:16:17,722 --> 00:16:19,056
- Jesus!
- Ow.
361
00:16:20,792 --> 00:16:22,793
Listen, you dumb-ass.
362
00:16:22,794 --> 00:16:24,394
You and Emma are not gonna openly
363
00:16:24,395 --> 00:16:25,863
add a third person to your marriage
364
00:16:25,864 --> 00:16:27,464
and flaunt that shit all over Portland!
365
00:16:27,465 --> 00:16:28,799
Well, keep your fucking voice down.
366
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,934
Let alone anywhere near my family.
367
00:16:30,935 --> 00:16:32,536
Jesus, you're so riled up over this.
368
00:16:32,537 --> 00:16:34,004
- God.
- It's my life.
369
00:16:34,005 --> 00:16:35,739
Look. You're gonna lose your job, okay?
370
00:16:35,740 --> 00:16:37,341
The three of you are
gonna be a freak show.
371
00:16:37,342 --> 00:16:39,343
You're gonna be on
"Good Morning, America."
372
00:16:39,344 --> 00:16:42,145
People are gonna throw fake blood on you
373
00:16:42,146 --> 00:16:43,614
- in the streets!
- Why would...
374
00:16:43,615 --> 00:16:45,082
First of all, keep your
fucking voice down, okay?
375
00:16:45,083 --> 00:16:46,683
Don't tell me fucking what to do.
376
00:16:46,684 --> 00:16:48,685
Secondly, why would they be
throwing fake blood on us?
377
00:16:48,686 --> 00:16:50,020
What are we, like we
have furs on or something?
378
00:16:50,021 --> 00:16:51,622
- Whatever.
- Think about what you're saying.
379
00:16:51,623 --> 00:16:53,490
- Whatever.
- Your analogies make no sense.
380
00:16:53,491 --> 00:16:54,825
Listen, okay?
381
00:16:54,826 --> 00:16:57,094
You're gonna endure public ridicule.
382
00:16:57,095 --> 00:16:58,829
You're gonna be cast out.
383
00:16:58,830 --> 00:17:00,964
You're going to be a weirdo.
384
00:17:00,965 --> 00:17:03,901
W... we are living in
Portland, asshole, okay?
385
00:17:03,902 --> 00:17:05,502
Not Afghanistan.
386
00:17:05,503 --> 00:17:08,972
Dude, we're even, by the
way. Okay? 1-1. Truce.
387
00:17:11,776 --> 00:17:13,911
This isn't fun sober!
388
00:17:13,912 --> 00:17:15,112
It's not supposed to be fun, Nina!
389
00:17:15,113 --> 00:17:16,179
I'm kicking your ass!
390
00:17:16,180 --> 00:17:17,247
Ow!
391
00:17:17,248 --> 00:17:18,315
Ow. Ow.
392
00:17:18,316 --> 00:17:20,450
Are you? Are you really?
393
00:17:20,451 --> 00:17:21,518
No. Ow. No, no, no.
394
00:17:21,519 --> 00:17:23,253
Not the hands. Not the hands.
395
00:17:23,254 --> 00:17:25,122
Don't you dare. You do that,
396
00:17:25,123 --> 00:17:26,456
you're gonna have to kill me first.
397
00:17:26,457 --> 00:17:27,658
Ah!
398
00:17:27,659 --> 00:17:29,927
Ah! Ow, my boob!
399
00:17:29,928 --> 00:17:32,329
- Yeah.
- Ow.
400
00:17:32,330 --> 00:17:33,931
Ow! I can't breathe.
401
00:17:33,932 --> 00:17:35,933
Roommates who break girl code
402
00:17:35,934 --> 00:17:37,801
do not get oxygen!
403
00:17:37,802 --> 00:17:39,803
Ow. Ow.
404
00:17:39,804 --> 00:17:41,004
Ow.
405
00:17:41,005 --> 00:17:42,739
- Give it to me.
- No, no, no, no.
406
00:17:42,740 --> 00:17:43,807
Ow, ow, ow. Not my hand.
407
00:17:43,808 --> 00:17:45,409
- Oh. Oh, my God!
- Drop it.
408
00:17:45,410 --> 00:17:47,010
Stop hitting yourself.
Oh, my God! You're crazy!
409
00:17:47,011 --> 00:17:48,879
Not my nipple! You know
that they're sensitive!
410
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,480
Aaaah! Tater Tots!
411
00:17:50,481 --> 00:17:52,215
- No safe words.
- Tater Tots!
412
00:17:52,216 --> 00:17:54,351
Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't punch you
413
00:17:54,352 --> 00:17:56,887
- in the vag right now.
- Timeout, okay?
414
00:17:56,888 --> 00:17:59,423
I smoked way too much weed for this.
415
00:17:59,424 --> 00:18:02,026
Timeout. Timeout.
416
00:18:05,563 --> 00:18:07,297
Oh, my boob.
417
00:18:15,173 --> 00:18:18,241
He brought the really good vodka, Iz.
418
00:18:18,242 --> 00:18:19,977
And his dick?
419
00:18:19,978 --> 00:18:21,578
Point being, he was on a mission, okay?
420
00:18:21,579 --> 00:18:23,046
Yeah, duh.
421
00:18:23,047 --> 00:18:25,182
You couldn't intuit
that, future psychologist?
422
00:18:25,183 --> 00:18:27,184
Yeah, you'd think, but
it only occurred to me
423
00:18:27,185 --> 00:18:29,190
soon after my first orgasm.
424
00:18:29,873 --> 00:18:30,904
Your first?
425
00:18:31,055 --> 00:18:32,990
Kid's got game.
426
00:18:36,527 --> 00:18:38,261
Of course he does.
427
00:18:38,262 --> 00:18:41,598
Never stuck long enough to find out.
428
00:18:43,067 --> 00:18:44,935
Blew it with a good guy,
who's also nondouchey,
429
00:18:44,936 --> 00:18:48,138
handsome, and, apparently,
screws like a porn star.
430
00:18:48,139 --> 00:18:50,540
This is good. This is... this is good.
431
00:18:50,541 --> 00:18:52,076
Everything's working out.
432
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:57,080
It was a mistake, okay?
433
00:18:57,081 --> 00:18:58,415
We both agreed,
434
00:18:58,416 --> 00:19:01,084
and he's still yours for the having...
435
00:19:01,085 --> 00:19:03,620
if you want him.
436
00:19:03,621 --> 00:19:07,491
He's... he's pissed,
but he'll get over it.
437
00:19:07,492 --> 00:19:09,937
Did you hear me?
438
00:19:09,938 --> 00:19:11,938
Loud and clear.
439
00:19:12,430 --> 00:19:14,698
No one is gonna let their
daughter be counseled
440
00:19:14,699 --> 00:19:17,367
by an infamous sexual deviant.
441
00:19:17,368 --> 00:19:18,969
Come on.
442
00:19:18,970 --> 00:19:22,039
Why couldn't you have
just kept it in a box, hmm?
443
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:23,240
We tried.
444
00:19:23,241 --> 00:19:25,242
You know, the occasional kinky fun
445
00:19:25,243 --> 00:19:28,045
behind closed doors.
446
00:19:28,046 --> 00:19:29,646
Listen, man,
447
00:19:29,647 --> 00:19:34,051
we love having you guys
over, right, you know that?
448
00:19:34,052 --> 00:19:35,786
But you know that Marie's
449
00:19:35,787 --> 00:19:38,722
never gonna be okay with this.
450
00:19:38,723 --> 00:19:42,192
Nobody is. Hmm?
451
00:19:42,193 --> 00:19:43,660
Just look in their eyes.
452
00:19:43,661 --> 00:19:45,262
You know what?
453
00:19:45,263 --> 00:19:47,130
We should've insisted she keep the money.
454
00:19:47,131 --> 00:19:48,999
That put a label on things.
455
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:52,069
Now, the whole arrangement
is just so ambiguous.
456
00:19:52,070 --> 00:19:53,403
You're damn right it is.
457
00:19:53,404 --> 00:19:55,005
It's time to take that genie
458
00:19:55,006 --> 00:19:56,873
and jam it right back in the bottle, okay?
459
00:19:56,874 --> 00:19:59,810
She doesn't accept the money, it's over.
460
00:19:59,811 --> 00:20:02,212
Come on, Jack.
461
00:20:02,213 --> 00:20:03,680
Please tell me that
you're not still pining
462
00:20:03,681 --> 00:20:05,282
for that married couple.
463
00:20:05,283 --> 00:20:08,152
I'm not still pining
for that married couple.
464
00:20:09,687 --> 00:20:12,222
You said please.
465
00:20:12,223 --> 00:20:14,091
Okay, I can't believe I'm
actually indulging this,
466
00:20:14,092 --> 00:20:16,893
but, um, what happened this morning,
467
00:20:16,894 --> 00:20:20,164
after your "transformative"
threesome last night?
468
00:20:23,034 --> 00:20:24,435
I don't know.
469
00:20:27,572 --> 00:20:31,041
I was just thinking about how
470
00:20:31,042 --> 00:20:35,045
we only have sex, right?
471
00:20:35,046 --> 00:20:37,447
And that... I don't know...
no matter how crazy it sounds,
472
00:20:37,448 --> 00:20:40,650
I just...
473
00:20:40,651 --> 00:20:42,252
I think we're bigger than that.
474
00:20:42,253 --> 00:20:44,121
For the record, that's like way up there
475
00:20:44,122 --> 00:20:47,057
on the crazy scale, like
you-scare-me crazy, but...
476
00:20:47,058 --> 00:20:48,525
It's not crazy.
477
00:20:48,526 --> 00:20:50,127
I asked them to play hooky
478
00:20:50,128 --> 00:20:51,862
so we could day-drink
and hang out at The Pearl.
479
00:20:51,863 --> 00:20:54,531
It's a fucking good day.
480
00:20:55,094 --> 00:20:57,600
All right. Just... just forget
481
00:20:57,602 --> 00:20:59,736
that they are a married
couple for a second
482
00:20:59,737 --> 00:21:02,127
- and think of them as the guy.
- Okay.
483
00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:04,915
Okay, so you had sex with the guy
484
00:21:04,917 --> 00:21:07,077
that you met like three days ago,
485
00:21:07,078 --> 00:21:09,746
but instead of playing
it cool and skedaddling,
486
00:21:09,747 --> 00:21:11,348
you hang around his apartment
487
00:21:11,349 --> 00:21:12,682
and ask him to spend the day with you?
488
00:21:12,683 --> 00:21:14,684
- Is... does that sound right?
- Ohhh.
489
00:21:14,685 --> 00:21:16,419
You asked a married couple
490
00:21:16,420 --> 00:21:19,356
to go on a very public
daylight date with you.
491
00:21:19,357 --> 00:21:21,358
I just...
492
00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:23,961
I don't see how that
could make anybody anxious.
493
00:21:26,564 --> 00:21:27,764
Yeah.
494
00:21:27,765 --> 00:21:29,232
Ohh.
495
00:21:29,233 --> 00:21:32,035
I scared the shit out of them, didn't I?
496
00:21:32,036 --> 00:21:33,904
Yeah. You did.
497
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:39,509
The knee-jerk inclination is to
make any new structure blend in
498
00:21:39,510 --> 00:21:41,378
with the overall Hamilton
Prep School aesthetic,
499
00:21:41,379 --> 00:21:43,513
but this is a different beast.
500
00:21:43,514 --> 00:21:46,183
Here are a few examples
of recently completed
501
00:21:46,184 --> 00:21:48,451
high-school theaters across the country.
502
00:21:48,452 --> 00:21:50,453
They're bold, splashy,
503
00:21:50,454 --> 00:21:53,256
standing out by design
apologizing to no one.
504
00:21:53,257 --> 00:21:56,059
Theater and choir students
are proudly different.
505
00:21:56,060 --> 00:21:58,461
They're not like everybody
else and they don't want to be.
506
00:21:58,462 --> 00:21:59,796
The building should reflect that.
507
00:21:59,797 --> 00:22:01,398
Oh, and, Dean Weinstock,
508
00:22:01,399 --> 00:22:03,266
did I mention the
creative-freedom discount?
509
00:22:03,267 --> 00:22:05,001
As our senior partner likes to say,
510
00:22:05,002 --> 00:22:07,537
"Make coin or make a splash."
511
00:22:07,538 --> 00:22:09,406
Ideally, both?
512
00:22:09,407 --> 00:22:11,808
Well, that gets my name on
the door. Everybody wins.
513
00:22:11,809 --> 00:22:15,145
Our competitors tell you
otherwise, they're full of shit.
514
00:22:15,146 --> 00:22:16,880
Oh, did... did I just say "shit"?
515
00:22:16,881 --> 00:22:20,083
I meant to say malarkey or
something equally folksy.
516
00:22:21,819 --> 00:22:23,553
Very well done, Mrs. Trakarsky.
517
00:22:23,554 --> 00:22:24,754
Thank you.
518
00:22:30,361 --> 00:22:33,430
- We're kind of on fire.
- I know, right?
519
00:22:33,431 --> 00:22:36,099
Hawthorne's latest and
greatest power couple.
520
00:22:36,100 --> 00:22:38,368
I mean, I'm gonna be dean,
you're gonna be partner,
521
00:22:38,369 --> 00:22:40,904
and maybe we can try to have a baby.
522
00:22:40,905 --> 00:22:42,505
Well, everything good
or bad happens in threes.
523
00:22:42,506 --> 00:22:44,374
Right?
524
00:22:48,112 --> 00:22:50,113
Got some advice from Gabe today.
525
00:22:50,114 --> 00:22:51,715
Let me guess... we
should save our marriage
526
00:22:51,716 --> 00:22:53,583
by having a foursome.
527
00:22:53,584 --> 00:22:55,986
He basically said that, you know,
528
00:22:55,987 --> 00:22:57,587
we totally screwed up by taking the money
529
00:22:57,588 --> 00:22:59,189
out of the relationship with Izzy.
530
00:22:59,190 --> 00:23:01,858
The money's what kept it a
finite business arrangement.
531
00:23:01,859 --> 00:23:04,394
Good, old-fashioned,
American sex for hire,
532
00:23:04,395 --> 00:23:07,998
not... whatever we've let this become.
533
00:23:07,999 --> 00:23:10,400
He also said that if it ever
became anything more than that,
534
00:23:10,401 --> 00:23:12,802
that he and Marie would
totally cut us off.
535
00:23:12,803 --> 00:23:14,271
So did Carmen.
536
00:23:14,272 --> 00:23:16,273
So did Dave.
537
00:23:21,078 --> 00:23:23,079
Crazy thing is, it worked.
538
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,615
The plan worked. I mean,
I don't know about you.
539
00:23:25,616 --> 00:23:27,751
It feels to me like we're
having the best sex of our lives.
540
00:23:27,752 --> 00:23:30,153
Yeah.
541
00:23:30,154 --> 00:23:33,356
- Right?
- Yeah.
542
00:23:33,357 --> 00:23:35,759
Jack, where's it possibly
gonna go from here?
543
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:38,762
I mean, h... how does she
realistically fit into our...
544
00:23:38,901 --> 00:23:41,017
our work, our jobs, our lives?
545
00:23:42,033 --> 00:23:45,502
But we knew that going in, you know?
546
00:23:45,503 --> 00:23:46,970
She kind of erased the boundaries
547
00:23:46,971 --> 00:23:49,039
when she tore up that check.
548
00:23:50,841 --> 00:23:53,243
It's like she thinks we're dating,
549
00:23:53,244 --> 00:23:55,111
like this could be something permanent.
550
00:23:55,112 --> 00:23:56,579
I know.
551
00:23:56,580 --> 00:23:57,914
All right. So what's our move?
552
00:23:57,915 --> 00:23:59,916
We just invite her over
553
00:23:59,917 --> 00:24:03,386
and tell her she's got to take the money.
554
00:24:03,387 --> 00:24:05,522
Yeah. Or... or it's over.
555
00:24:05,523 --> 00:24:08,591
- Or it's over, right?
- Yeah.
556
00:24:08,592 --> 00:24:11,261
So why aren't we just
walking away from this?
557
00:24:14,332 --> 00:24:16,199
- Mom?
- What was that?
558
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,868
Did you hear that?
559
00:24:18,869 --> 00:24:21,271
That sounded a lot like...
560
00:24:21,272 --> 00:24:22,739
I'm sorry.
561
00:24:22,740 --> 00:24:24,874
I think I must've butt-dialed you.
562
00:24:24,875 --> 00:24:29,546
No, no, it's all good.
563
00:24:29,547 --> 00:24:31,815
Yeah. See you when I get home.
564
00:24:31,816 --> 00:24:33,416
Bye.
565
00:24:33,417 --> 00:24:35,418
Hey.
566
00:24:35,419 --> 00:24:37,287
Sweetheart, I... I don't know
what you think you heard...
567
00:24:37,288 --> 00:24:39,422
You mean the part about
Izzy not being your niece,
568
00:24:39,423 --> 00:24:40,757
or the part about you guys paying her
569
00:24:40,758 --> 00:24:42,759
to have pervy, three-way sex with you?
570
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:45,161
Wha... what? No, Ava. No.
571
00:24:45,162 --> 00:24:49,432
Silly, wonderful Ava.
572
00:24:49,433 --> 00:24:50,900
We... No.
573
00:24:50,901 --> 00:24:52,369
Um, we were walking down
and then we were talking
574
00:24:52,370 --> 00:24:55,118
about something that was
totally not that at all.
575
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:56,186
No, no, no.
576
00:24:56,190 --> 00:24:57,841
Don't... don't waste my time, Jack,
577
00:24:57,842 --> 00:24:59,442
because I've got class in five.
578
00:24:59,443 --> 00:25:01,177
We got some negotiating to do, don't we?
579
00:25:01,178 --> 00:25:03,446
- It's Mr. Trakarsky.
- I'm pretty sure
580
00:25:03,447 --> 00:25:05,982
it's whatever I want it to be now.
581
00:25:05,983 --> 00:25:07,717
Jack.
582
00:25:07,718 --> 00:25:09,586
Oh, God.
583
00:25:10,654 --> 00:25:12,255
She's blackmailing us, Jack.
584
00:25:12,256 --> 00:25:13,456
That's why she didn't tell Lori.
585
00:25:13,457 --> 00:25:14,924
- Oh, God.
- Right?
586
00:25:14,925 --> 00:25:16,526
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God.
587
00:25:16,527 --> 00:25:18,395
Oh, my God.
588
00:25:18,396 --> 00:25:21,197
Oh. Oh, don't be sad, Jack.
589
00:25:21,198 --> 00:25:23,867
You get to be dean
590
00:25:23,868 --> 00:25:27,070
and I get to be class president.
591
00:25:27,071 --> 00:25:30,940
And whatever else pops into
my silly, wonderful head.
592
00:25:30,941 --> 00:25:33,076
- Whoo!
- Oh, no.
593
00:25:33,077 --> 00:25:35,612
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
594
00:25:35,613 --> 00:25:36,946
No, no, no.
595
00:26:14,519 --> 00:26:19,519
subtitle by peritta - corrections by chamallow
41970
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