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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:03,282 --> 00:00:05,235 Previously on "You Me Her"... 2 00:00:05,237 --> 00:00:06,751 Then what are you doing here? 3 00:00:06,752 --> 00:00:08,886 - I'm looking for a girl. - I knew it! 4 00:00:08,888 --> 00:00:10,160 Who was that chick who got dropped off 5 00:00:10,162 --> 00:00:11,402 at your house two nights ago? 6 00:00:11,404 --> 00:00:13,113 She's my niece. Jackie. 7 00:00:13,115 --> 00:00:15,026 We have a serious fucking Lori problem. 8 00:00:15,027 --> 00:00:16,286 Will Jack's niece be joining us? 9 00:00:16,288 --> 00:00:17,888 - Jack's niece? - What is her name again? 10 00:00:17,890 --> 00:00:19,697 - Oh, uh, Izzy? - Izzy. 11 00:00:19,698 --> 00:00:22,634 Jack told Ava that her name was Jackie. 12 00:00:22,635 --> 00:00:24,369 Andy, why'd you follow me here 13 00:00:24,370 --> 00:00:26,504 - to... to my uncle's house? - Right. 14 00:00:26,745 --> 00:00:27,839 Uncle Jack. 15 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:29,841 You are too good for me. You know? 16 00:00:29,842 --> 00:00:31,442 Yeah. You know what? I think you're right. 17 00:00:33,870 --> 00:00:35,854 You're not gonna make me drink this all by myself, 18 00:00:36,628 --> 00:00:37,628 right? 19 00:00:40,761 --> 00:00:42,572 I've been working crazy hours 20 00:00:42,574 --> 00:00:44,990 on this huge pitch for a... a fancy new theater 21 00:00:44,991 --> 00:00:46,682 at The Hamilton School, where Jack works? 22 00:00:46,683 --> 00:00:48,149 There's a million people I could come to for advice. 23 00:00:48,151 --> 00:00:50,180 I come to you. I have a lot on my plate right now. 24 00:00:50,182 --> 00:00:51,430 What?! Ow. 25 00:00:51,432 --> 00:00:53,731 We agree that this is a business arrangement, right? 26 00:00:53,732 --> 00:00:55,867 - You never cashed the check? - No. 27 00:00:57,870 --> 00:00:59,411 I love us. 28 00:01:00,454 --> 00:01:03,668 You know, not just the sex, but, like, us. 29 00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:05,948 Me too. 30 00:01:07,079 --> 00:01:08,255 Me three. 31 00:01:31,619 --> 00:01:33,175 What are you thinking? 32 00:01:34,039 --> 00:01:35,684 What are you thinking? 33 00:01:36,175 --> 00:01:38,810 I'm thinking that a college student 34 00:01:38,812 --> 00:01:40,729 slept between us in our bed last night. 35 00:01:41,647 --> 00:01:43,311 Yeah. After we all had sex together. 36 00:01:43,313 --> 00:01:45,249 I think that... that's the headline, honey. 37 00:01:45,250 --> 00:01:46,446 Right. 38 00:01:46,962 --> 00:01:48,052 And she's still here. 39 00:01:48,053 --> 00:01:50,989 She's in the bedroom while we're gonna head off to work. 40 00:01:50,990 --> 00:01:53,376 I... I feel weird about that. Is it weird that I feel weird? 41 00:01:54,059 --> 00:01:56,047 Remember that recurring dream I kept having, 42 00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:57,463 where we were both in that Porsche, 43 00:01:57,465 --> 00:01:58,805 like 90 miles an hour, 44 00:01:58,807 --> 00:02:00,216 laughing and drinking, 45 00:02:01,091 --> 00:02:02,104 and then we look at each other, 46 00:02:02,106 --> 00:02:03,901 and we realize that we're both in the backseat 47 00:02:03,903 --> 00:02:05,269 and nobody's at the wheel? 48 00:02:05,270 --> 00:02:06,738 Yeah. You had that dream again? 49 00:02:06,739 --> 00:02:08,206 I need you to tell me that we're not 50 00:02:08,207 --> 00:02:09,407 in the backseat while our life 51 00:02:09,408 --> 00:02:10,875 is just crashing through a guardrail, 52 00:02:10,876 --> 00:02:13,678 down a mountain to a fiery, horrible end. 53 00:02:13,679 --> 00:02:15,680 No. Here, we made a choice. 54 00:02:15,681 --> 00:02:17,415 This was a choice, here. 55 00:02:17,416 --> 00:02:18,750 We... we did it with our eyes open 56 00:02:18,751 --> 00:02:20,485 and our hands on the wheel. 57 00:02:20,486 --> 00:02:23,688 We knew what we were doing. And w... we can... 58 00:02:23,689 --> 00:02:25,957 And what we do next is... is up to us. 59 00:02:25,958 --> 00:02:27,291 Yeah. 60 00:02:27,292 --> 00:02:28,626 Wait. Did you just shrink me? 61 00:02:30,229 --> 00:02:31,562 I don't know what you're talking about. 62 00:02:31,563 --> 00:02:33,297 But your hour is up. 63 00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:37,102 Easy, tiger. We're gonna be late. 64 00:02:37,403 --> 00:02:39,794 Well, your hand down my pants is sending me 65 00:02:39,799 --> 00:02:40,772 a pretty mixed message right now, I have to admit. 66 00:02:40,773 --> 00:02:41,973 Oh, well, look at that. 67 00:02:41,974 --> 00:02:43,375 - Yeah. - My bad. 68 00:02:44,643 --> 00:02:46,311 Thanks. 69 00:02:49,715 --> 00:02:51,849 So, d... did we all profess our love to each other 70 00:02:51,850 --> 00:02:53,718 last night, or did I just imagine that? 71 00:02:53,719 --> 00:02:55,319 I had time to sift through the forensics 72 00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:56,921 while inspecting the ceiling last night, 73 00:02:56,922 --> 00:02:59,057 and here's what I came up with... 74 00:02:59,058 --> 00:03:00,525 Izzy said, "I love us." 75 00:03:00,526 --> 00:03:02,527 Not you, not me, us. 76 00:03:02,528 --> 00:03:05,329 Like the three of us, together. 77 00:03:05,330 --> 00:03:06,664 Right. So when we said it back, 78 00:03:06,665 --> 00:03:08,266 we didn't really mean "I love you," 79 00:03:08,267 --> 00:03:10,935 we just were celebrating? 80 00:03:10,936 --> 00:03:14,272 Us, the situation, the three of us together. 81 00:03:14,273 --> 00:03:15,740 Okay. 82 00:03:15,741 --> 00:03:16,808 What does that mean, "the three of us together"? 83 00:03:16,809 --> 00:03:18,142 Are you referring to like 84 00:03:18,143 --> 00:03:20,144 us actually physically together in the bed, 85 00:03:20,145 --> 00:03:23,214 or, like, are we a... are we together, together? 86 00:03:23,215 --> 00:03:25,750 Like the three of us could be dating? 87 00:03:25,751 --> 00:03:28,152 Like the three of us are seeing each other? 88 00:03:28,153 --> 00:03:30,021 I mean, I don't even know how that would work, physically. 89 00:03:30,022 --> 00:03:32,156 How could we... ? If we walk down the sidewalk, 90 00:03:32,157 --> 00:03:35,093 people wouldn't be able to get around us. 91 00:03:35,094 --> 00:03:36,561 Like, society would crumble. 92 00:03:36,562 --> 00:03:39,230 The whole pedestrian system w... would fall apart. 93 00:03:39,231 --> 00:03:40,965 I mean, would Izzy sit between us 94 00:03:40,966 --> 00:03:42,433 at the movies and hold a pop-corn 95 00:03:42,434 --> 00:03:43,901 What about Christmas and Thanksgiving? 96 00:03:43,902 --> 00:03:45,770 Would she come with us, with our families, 97 00:03:45,771 --> 00:03:47,839 sitting down at dinner? 98 00:03:48,841 --> 00:03:52,176 And we are back to the fiery, horrible end. 99 00:04:02,988 --> 00:04:05,123 Ugh. 100 00:04:05,124 --> 00:04:09,861 God damn it, you slut. 101 00:04:14,733 --> 00:04:18,069 Oh, hello worst decision ever. 102 00:04:18,070 --> 00:04:20,539 Hey, listen. I'm sorry, okay? 103 00:04:23,142 --> 00:04:25,810 If it helps, I kind of hate myself right now, too. 104 00:04:25,811 --> 00:04:27,812 You know, I'm not that guy and you're not that girl. 105 00:04:27,813 --> 00:04:30,748 - It's just... - We are what we do, Andrew, 106 00:04:30,749 --> 00:04:33,352 the accumulation of our choices. 107 00:04:35,821 --> 00:04:39,023 Hey, Nina. 108 00:04:39,024 --> 00:04:41,692 Can we just agree to blame Izzy 109 00:04:41,693 --> 00:04:43,961 and move on with our lives like this never happened? 110 00:04:43,962 --> 00:04:45,429 Definitely. 111 00:04:45,430 --> 00:04:47,565 There they are. 112 00:04:47,566 --> 00:04:49,967 Hi, my two lovers. 113 00:04:49,968 --> 00:04:51,302 Hey. 114 00:04:53,705 --> 00:04:54,772 Sorry. 115 00:04:54,773 --> 00:04:56,240 Lovers. 116 00:04:56,241 --> 00:04:57,975 I'm totally gonna rock that word 117 00:04:57,976 --> 00:04:59,443 and just put the onus on everybody 118 00:04:59,444 --> 00:05:01,712 to figure out if I'm being serious or not. 119 00:05:01,713 --> 00:05:03,648 - Hi. - Hi. 120 00:05:06,652 --> 00:05:09,720 Well, someone's having quite the morning. 121 00:05:09,721 --> 00:05:11,322 Hmm? 122 00:05:11,323 --> 00:05:13,324 I copped a feel, too, so... 123 00:05:13,325 --> 00:05:14,392 You did? 124 00:05:14,393 --> 00:05:15,726 He's doing very well this morning. 125 00:05:15,727 --> 00:05:17,328 Well, that hardly seems fair. 126 00:05:17,329 --> 00:05:19,330 Two cops? 127 00:05:19,331 --> 00:05:22,067 You look really nice. 128 00:05:23,735 --> 00:05:26,137 - Okay, wow. Um... - What? 129 00:05:26,138 --> 00:05:28,139 Uh, I, uh... 130 00:05:28,140 --> 00:05:29,473 You're adorable, 131 00:05:29,474 --> 00:05:32,677 especially when you stammer like that. 132 00:05:37,216 --> 00:05:39,750 Okay. Okay. I... this? This area here 133 00:05:39,751 --> 00:05:42,286 - is, uh, closed for business because I got to run. - Okay. 134 00:05:42,287 --> 00:05:44,288 I have really big prelim presentation at The Hamilton School. 135 00:05:44,289 --> 00:05:47,091 Wait, wait, wait. I thought... I thought we could play hooky. 136 00:05:47,092 --> 00:05:50,428 I was lying in bed, formulating a plan for an awesome day. 137 00:05:50,429 --> 00:05:53,497 Thought we could hit The Pearl. 138 00:05:53,498 --> 00:05:55,900 Throw back a pilsner, maybe seven, 139 00:05:55,901 --> 00:05:58,436 get the sunlight buzz going on. 140 00:05:58,437 --> 00:05:59,904 You know? Or maybe we could... 141 00:05:59,905 --> 00:06:01,105 we could go somewhere else, maybe. 142 00:06:01,106 --> 00:06:03,241 Yeah? Yeah? 143 00:06:03,242 --> 00:06:06,444 We have jobs to go to in the adult world. 144 00:06:06,445 --> 00:06:09,513 It's the big week for me, with this whole dean thing happening. 145 00:06:11,383 --> 00:06:13,918 It's my Alumni Board is reviewing me this week. 146 00:06:13,919 --> 00:06:15,253 Oh, yeah? 147 00:06:15,254 --> 00:06:17,788 What, were you guys 148 00:06:17,789 --> 00:06:19,657 like talking behind my back or something? 149 00:06:19,658 --> 00:06:21,525 Well, Isabelle, we're married, 150 00:06:21,526 --> 00:06:23,527 so we're kind of talking behind the whole world's back, 151 00:06:23,528 --> 00:06:24,996 like every day, all the time, so... 152 00:06:24,997 --> 00:06:26,464 "Isabelle"? What the fuck is that? 153 00:06:26,465 --> 00:06:27,798 Right. We were... we were... 154 00:06:27,799 --> 00:06:29,400 It was mostly good things. 155 00:06:29,401 --> 00:06:31,135 Oh, yeah? Like what? 156 00:06:31,136 --> 00:06:32,603 Hmm? 157 00:06:32,604 --> 00:06:35,406 Think I'll call you Asshole and Other Asshole. 158 00:06:35,407 --> 00:06:37,008 How's that? 159 00:06:37,009 --> 00:06:38,342 I think maybe you should... 160 00:06:38,343 --> 00:06:40,077 should calm down a little bit. That's... 161 00:06:40,078 --> 00:06:42,480 I'm sure that's very easy for you to say. 162 00:06:42,481 --> 00:06:44,482 You're not the one being treated like the one-night stand 163 00:06:44,483 --> 00:06:45,950 who lingered too long. 164 00:06:45,951 --> 00:06:48,085 Izzy, I'm sorry. 165 00:06:48,086 --> 00:06:50,354 I do not want to make you feel that way. 166 00:06:50,355 --> 00:06:52,623 I mean, and, seriously, last night was... 167 00:06:52,624 --> 00:06:55,026 It was like one of the best nights of my life. 168 00:06:55,027 --> 00:06:56,627 Yeah. Me too. This is... 169 00:06:56,628 --> 00:06:58,830 We just have to go to work. That's all this is. 170 00:07:01,566 --> 00:07:04,635 Uh, guys, could I get a could ride, or... 171 00:07:04,636 --> 00:07:07,171 or do you want me just to call my pimp? 172 00:07:07,172 --> 00:07:09,774 I have a... you can... 173 00:07:14,513 --> 00:07:15,846 I can take you. 174 00:07:15,847 --> 00:07:18,115 What happened here? 175 00:07:22,521 --> 00:07:24,255 Hey, what the hell?! 176 00:07:24,256 --> 00:07:26,657 What, you want to make some more small talk? 177 00:07:26,658 --> 00:07:28,793 Oh, I'm sorry if ordinary adult conversation 178 00:07:28,794 --> 00:07:30,928 is too pedantic and bourgeois for you. 179 00:07:30,929 --> 00:07:32,797 Oh, fine. 180 00:07:32,798 --> 00:07:35,466 How goes the architecting? What is your favorite season? 181 00:07:35,467 --> 00:07:38,002 Are you binge-watching anything interesting lately? 182 00:07:38,003 --> 00:07:40,004 How about those Blazers, huh? 183 00:07:40,005 --> 00:07:43,607 All that playing and shooting or whatever else they do? 184 00:07:44,943 --> 00:07:46,677 You're right. 185 00:07:46,678 --> 00:07:48,279 This is so much better than actually saying 186 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:50,681 what we're actually fucking thinking. 187 00:07:50,682 --> 00:07:52,149 Holy shit! 188 00:07:52,150 --> 00:07:54,418 It's Izzy. Um... 189 00:07:54,419 --> 00:07:56,821 - What? - It's time to scoot. 190 00:07:56,822 --> 00:07:58,956 - It's time to go home, now. - Just move! 191 00:07:58,957 --> 00:08:00,958 Don't. I, um... 192 00:08:00,959 --> 00:08:02,560 That... that's nice. Thank you. 193 00:08:02,561 --> 00:08:04,161 Thank you for the effort, kiddo. 194 00:08:04,162 --> 00:08:05,629 Don't mention it, Other Asshole. 195 00:08:05,630 --> 00:08:09,500 Izzy seems a bit with miffed, uh, Aunt Emma. 196 00:08:09,501 --> 00:08:12,036 You really need to go, like now. 197 00:08:12,037 --> 00:08:13,371 No, no, no, no. 198 00:08:13,372 --> 00:08:16,040 Ah! 199 00:08:16,041 --> 00:08:17,508 For the record... you made an effort. 200 00:08:17,509 --> 00:08:19,711 You tried, but I'm gonna watch this. 201 00:08:21,780 --> 00:08:23,381 Ugh. 202 00:08:23,382 --> 00:08:25,516 What... what's this? Are... are you having a stroke? 203 00:08:25,517 --> 00:08:28,719 Just... I don't know. Uh, maybe? 204 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,721 Look, it's a lot, Izzy. 205 00:08:30,722 --> 00:08:32,723 I mean, it is so much. 206 00:08:32,724 --> 00:08:34,458 I... I... I'm just... 207 00:08:34,459 --> 00:08:36,861 I'm trying to sort through it and make sense. 208 00:08:36,862 --> 00:08:39,197 I'm fucking terrified. 209 00:08:40,599 --> 00:08:43,000 Are you too scared? 210 00:08:43,001 --> 00:08:44,669 I don't know. 211 00:08:46,738 --> 00:08:48,273 Maybe. 212 00:08:52,077 --> 00:08:53,411 Don't forget, though. 213 00:08:53,412 --> 00:08:54,879 Forget what? 214 00:09:10,228 --> 00:09:11,896 That. 215 00:09:22,641 --> 00:09:24,042 Fuck. 216 00:09:45,997 --> 00:09:48,199 Fuck! 217 00:09:54,673 --> 00:09:56,540 You know what, Andy? 218 00:09:56,541 --> 00:09:58,542 I'm really not in the fucking mood to do this or whatever. 219 00:09:58,543 --> 00:10:00,945 My, my, my. 220 00:10:00,946 --> 00:10:03,614 You kiss your aunt with that mouth? 221 00:10:03,615 --> 00:10:05,016 What? 222 00:10:07,085 --> 00:10:09,220 One more thing... um... 223 00:10:09,221 --> 00:10:11,622 eat shit. 224 00:10:11,623 --> 00:10:13,558 And lose my fucking number. 225 00:10:16,027 --> 00:10:17,829 That's actually two things. 226 00:10:19,898 --> 00:10:21,899 You got me. 227 00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:23,835 You really got me. 228 00:10:25,370 --> 00:10:27,038 Fuck. 229 00:10:36,982 --> 00:10:38,716 We got a problem, too? 230 00:10:38,717 --> 00:10:41,118 Uh, no. 231 00:10:41,119 --> 00:10:43,521 Y... you can nuke that. 232 00:10:43,522 --> 00:10:44,855 He left very suddenly 233 00:10:44,856 --> 00:10:47,325 after watching you make out with your aunt. 234 00:10:59,004 --> 00:11:02,406 - Do I really have to ask? - Ask what? 235 00:11:02,741 --> 00:11:04,742 What Andy was doing here. 236 00:11:04,743 --> 00:11:06,343 W... wh... he was about to have a cup of coffee. 237 00:11:06,344 --> 00:11:07,411 Did I not just say that? 238 00:11:07,412 --> 00:11:08,746 Andy came all the way over here 239 00:11:08,747 --> 00:11:11,015 to have coffee at 7:30 a.m.? 240 00:11:11,016 --> 00:11:13,951 Yeah. It's a pretty common time for coffee. 241 00:11:13,952 --> 00:11:15,953 You work nights and your first class is at noon. 242 00:11:15,954 --> 00:11:17,821 You don't even know what 7:30 looks like. 243 00:11:17,822 --> 00:11:20,090 Has it occurred to you that maybe Andy knocking on the door 244 00:11:20,091 --> 00:11:21,559 is the reason that I woke up? 245 00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:24,228 Or maybe I had to study. 246 00:11:24,229 --> 00:11:25,419 So which is it? 247 00:11:25,421 --> 00:11:26,627 Oh, pick one. 248 00:11:26,629 --> 00:11:29,428 - Stop it. - Stop what, dearest? 249 00:11:29,568 --> 00:11:30,919 That. 250 00:11:30,921 --> 00:11:33,492 Oh, you mean, um, the passive-aggressive calm? 251 00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:35,545 See, I'm just trying not to kill you 252 00:11:35,547 --> 00:11:37,708 for smearing your mental breakdown all over me. 253 00:11:37,709 --> 00:11:39,443 If I make it all the way over there 254 00:11:39,444 --> 00:11:40,911 and those stupid-ass glasses 255 00:11:40,912 --> 00:11:42,513 are still on that stupid-ass face, 256 00:11:42,514 --> 00:11:44,648 I'm gonna break them into tiny pieces 257 00:11:44,649 --> 00:11:47,318 and shove each and every one up your self-righteous... 258 00:11:47,319 --> 00:11:50,654 If you so much as touch 259 00:11:50,655 --> 00:11:52,389 my very excellent glasses, 260 00:11:52,390 --> 00:11:54,124 I'm gonna beat you until my arms go numb, 261 00:11:54,125 --> 00:11:55,859 at which point, the kicking will commence. 262 00:11:55,860 --> 00:11:57,061 Is that right? 263 00:11:57,062 --> 00:11:58,529 'Cause you look pretty hungover. 264 00:11:58,530 --> 00:11:59,997 I'm sure I could take you. 265 00:11:59,998 --> 00:12:01,865 Okay. All right. 266 00:12:01,866 --> 00:12:04,134 Try it. I dare you. 267 00:12:15,347 --> 00:12:16,947 - Don't. Don't. - I'm not. 268 00:12:16,948 --> 00:12:19,617 - Don't cry. - I'm trying not to. 269 00:12:19,618 --> 00:12:21,885 That is not fair, okay? 270 00:12:21,886 --> 00:12:23,288 Is it working? 271 00:12:27,626 --> 00:12:29,427 Get over here. 272 00:12:31,896 --> 00:12:35,099 Come here. 273 00:12:39,771 --> 00:12:42,640 Um, so is this just about Andy? 274 00:12:44,843 --> 00:12:47,378 No. It's about me. 275 00:12:47,379 --> 00:12:50,981 I just think Andy was collateral damage. 276 00:12:50,982 --> 00:12:54,923 That's a... that's a pithy line. You care to elaborate? 277 00:12:59,658 --> 00:13:01,659 Oh, man. 278 00:13:01,660 --> 00:13:05,396 So... last night, 279 00:13:05,397 --> 00:13:08,399 I had the first threesome of my life. 280 00:13:10,201 --> 00:13:12,069 It was pretty amazing. 281 00:13:12,070 --> 00:13:13,537 Actually, I need a better word for that 282 00:13:13,538 --> 00:13:15,939 'cause I use that for, like, sour Jelly Bellys 283 00:13:15,940 --> 00:13:18,876 and boots and pretty much everything else. 284 00:13:18,877 --> 00:13:21,679 This was like... 285 00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,147 like transformative. 286 00:13:23,148 --> 00:13:25,416 I'm... I'm pretty sure my hair had an orgasm. 287 00:13:25,417 --> 00:13:27,418 Okay. 288 00:13:27,419 --> 00:13:30,220 So, you got it on with your aunt and uncle. 289 00:13:30,221 --> 00:13:31,155 Whoo-hoo. 290 00:13:31,156 --> 00:13:33,290 Please stop calling them that. 291 00:13:33,291 --> 00:13:35,693 Okay. So you and this... this married couple 292 00:13:35,694 --> 00:13:37,027 that you're dating. 293 00:13:37,028 --> 00:13:38,362 That's... that's the thing. 294 00:13:38,363 --> 00:13:40,497 That's the problem. Like, we're not dating. 295 00:13:40,498 --> 00:13:42,900 We're not becoming anything, like a throuple, 296 00:13:42,901 --> 00:13:44,368 or whatever the fuck you call it. 297 00:13:44,369 --> 00:13:45,569 I don't know. We're just like... 298 00:13:45,570 --> 00:13:49,173 Yeah. You're a business arrangement. 299 00:13:49,174 --> 00:13:51,975 Not anymore. 300 00:13:51,976 --> 00:13:54,378 What? 301 00:13:54,379 --> 00:13:57,047 I kind of ripped up the check. 302 00:13:59,184 --> 00:14:00,651 You... I... 303 00:14:00,652 --> 00:14:04,254 Okay. I must have, like, premium vodka in my ears 304 00:14:04,255 --> 00:14:05,723 because I swear that you just said 305 00:14:05,724 --> 00:14:06,924 that you ripped up the check. 306 00:14:06,925 --> 00:14:08,258 That's crazy. 307 00:14:08,259 --> 00:14:10,794 Yeah, 'cause I'm not a prostitute, so... 308 00:14:10,795 --> 00:14:12,129 Oh. 309 00:14:12,130 --> 00:14:14,531 Okay. So, then, what are you? 310 00:14:14,532 --> 00:14:16,800 Well, uh, I guess, at this point, 311 00:14:16,801 --> 00:14:18,669 I'm just... 312 00:14:18,670 --> 00:14:22,005 their booty call? 313 00:14:22,006 --> 00:14:23,207 I don't know. 314 00:14:23,208 --> 00:14:26,944 Hey, those assholes, they led you on. 315 00:14:26,945 --> 00:14:29,213 They... they made you think 316 00:14:29,214 --> 00:14:32,816 that it could become something that it's not, 317 00:14:32,817 --> 00:14:34,952 which makes you a fucking idiot, no offense. 318 00:14:34,953 --> 00:14:38,021 How is that not offensive? 319 00:14:38,022 --> 00:14:40,157 You're their Andy, okay? 320 00:14:40,158 --> 00:14:43,627 Their plaything, someone that you keep "on simmer." 321 00:14:43,628 --> 00:14:45,095 So what? You're suggesting what, 322 00:14:45,096 --> 00:14:46,830 like karmic justice here, or something? 323 00:14:46,831 --> 00:14:50,300 Yeah. I mean, if the asshat fits, then wear it. 324 00:14:50,301 --> 00:14:53,103 I get you're trying to do like the tough-love thing here, 325 00:14:53,104 --> 00:14:55,372 but, like, you really suck at this. 326 00:14:55,373 --> 00:14:58,442 Or am I amazing, nay, transformative, right? 327 00:14:58,443 --> 00:14:59,510 - You're not. - Yes, I am. 328 00:14:59,511 --> 00:15:00,844 You are absolutely not. 329 00:15:00,845 --> 00:15:02,312 I am good at this. 330 00:15:02,313 --> 00:15:05,382 I am the cold, hard truth, Izzy. 331 00:15:05,383 --> 00:15:07,384 Maybe the cold and the hard. 332 00:15:07,385 --> 00:15:09,119 Aw. 333 00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:11,922 I'm gonna miss this when you're institutionalized, 334 00:15:11,923 --> 00:15:14,057 when they lock you up. 335 00:15:14,058 --> 00:15:17,261 The banter. We're so good at it. 336 00:15:17,262 --> 00:15:18,796 I love you. 337 00:15:21,266 --> 00:15:22,599 I love you, too. 338 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:27,271 And I... 339 00:15:27,272 --> 00:15:30,808 fucked Andy, um... and I got to go. 340 00:15:32,877 --> 00:15:35,480 Bye. 341 00:15:38,483 --> 00:15:40,350 It's gonna take me a second 342 00:15:40,351 --> 00:15:43,153 to digest all this information. 343 00:15:43,154 --> 00:15:44,354 Looks like it's gonna take you a month 344 00:15:44,355 --> 00:15:46,424 to digest that crêpe-wrapped cow. 345 00:15:48,493 --> 00:15:49,827 That's so gross, man. 346 00:15:49,828 --> 00:15:51,829 - What's in yours? - Healthy stuff. 347 00:15:51,830 --> 00:15:53,831 Hmm? With your special sauce of estrogen 348 00:15:53,832 --> 00:15:55,699 and your big brother's disappointment? 349 00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:57,034 Can you, like, close your mouth? 350 00:15:57,035 --> 00:15:58,368 There's people here that don't... 351 00:15:58,369 --> 00:16:00,771 Enjoy your life, dude, okay? 352 00:16:00,772 --> 00:16:02,773 - Swallow it whole. - I am. 353 00:16:02,774 --> 00:16:05,042 And stop surviving. 354 00:16:05,043 --> 00:16:07,177 Start living. 355 00:16:07,178 --> 00:16:09,179 I am living. 356 00:16:09,180 --> 00:16:10,647 You're saying I shouldn't be afraid 357 00:16:10,648 --> 00:16:12,916 of going public with Izzy? 358 00:16:12,917 --> 00:16:15,452 Should just kind of like show her as we are 359 00:16:15,453 --> 00:16:17,721 and... and face the consequences? 360 00:16:17,722 --> 00:16:19,056 - Jesus! - Ow. 361 00:16:20,792 --> 00:16:22,793 Listen, you dumb-ass. 362 00:16:22,794 --> 00:16:24,394 You and Emma are not gonna openly 363 00:16:24,395 --> 00:16:25,863 add a third person to your marriage 364 00:16:25,864 --> 00:16:27,464 and flaunt that shit all over Portland! 365 00:16:27,465 --> 00:16:28,799 Well, keep your fucking voice down. 366 00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,934 Let alone anywhere near my family. 367 00:16:30,935 --> 00:16:32,536 Jesus, you're so riled up over this. 368 00:16:32,537 --> 00:16:34,004 - God. - It's my life. 369 00:16:34,005 --> 00:16:35,739 Look. You're gonna lose your job, okay? 370 00:16:35,740 --> 00:16:37,341 The three of you are gonna be a freak show. 371 00:16:37,342 --> 00:16:39,343 You're gonna be on "Good Morning, America." 372 00:16:39,344 --> 00:16:42,145 People are gonna throw fake blood on you 373 00:16:42,146 --> 00:16:43,614 - in the streets! - Why would... 374 00:16:43,615 --> 00:16:45,082 First of all, keep your fucking voice down, okay? 375 00:16:45,083 --> 00:16:46,683 Don't tell me fucking what to do. 376 00:16:46,684 --> 00:16:48,685 Secondly, why would they be throwing fake blood on us? 377 00:16:48,686 --> 00:16:50,020 What are we, like we have furs on or something? 378 00:16:50,021 --> 00:16:51,622 - Whatever. - Think about what you're saying. 379 00:16:51,623 --> 00:16:53,490 - Whatever. - Your analogies make no sense. 380 00:16:53,491 --> 00:16:54,825 Listen, okay? 381 00:16:54,826 --> 00:16:57,094 You're gonna endure public ridicule. 382 00:16:57,095 --> 00:16:58,829 You're gonna be cast out. 383 00:16:58,830 --> 00:17:00,964 You're going to be a weirdo. 384 00:17:00,965 --> 00:17:03,901 W... we are living in Portland, asshole, okay? 385 00:17:03,902 --> 00:17:05,502 Not Afghanistan. 386 00:17:05,503 --> 00:17:08,972 Dude, we're even, by the way. Okay? 1-1. Truce. 387 00:17:11,776 --> 00:17:13,911 This isn't fun sober! 388 00:17:13,912 --> 00:17:15,112 It's not supposed to be fun, Nina! 389 00:17:15,113 --> 00:17:16,179 I'm kicking your ass! 390 00:17:16,180 --> 00:17:17,247 Ow! 391 00:17:17,248 --> 00:17:18,315 Ow. Ow. 392 00:17:18,316 --> 00:17:20,450 Are you? Are you really? 393 00:17:20,451 --> 00:17:21,518 No. Ow. No, no, no. 394 00:17:21,519 --> 00:17:23,253 Not the hands. Not the hands. 395 00:17:23,254 --> 00:17:25,122 Don't you dare. You do that, 396 00:17:25,123 --> 00:17:26,456 you're gonna have to kill me first. 397 00:17:26,457 --> 00:17:27,658 Ah! 398 00:17:27,659 --> 00:17:29,927 Ah! Ow, my boob! 399 00:17:29,928 --> 00:17:32,329 - Yeah. - Ow. 400 00:17:32,330 --> 00:17:33,931 Ow! I can't breathe. 401 00:17:33,932 --> 00:17:35,933 Roommates who break girl code 402 00:17:35,934 --> 00:17:37,801 do not get oxygen! 403 00:17:37,802 --> 00:17:39,803 Ow. Ow. 404 00:17:39,804 --> 00:17:41,004 Ow. 405 00:17:41,005 --> 00:17:42,739 - Give it to me. - No, no, no, no. 406 00:17:42,740 --> 00:17:43,807 Ow, ow, ow. Not my hand. 407 00:17:43,808 --> 00:17:45,409 - Oh. Oh, my God! - Drop it. 408 00:17:45,410 --> 00:17:47,010 Stop hitting yourself. Oh, my God! You're crazy! 409 00:17:47,011 --> 00:17:48,879 Not my nipple! You know that they're sensitive! 410 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,480 Aaaah! Tater Tots! 411 00:17:50,481 --> 00:17:52,215 - No safe words. - Tater Tots! 412 00:17:52,216 --> 00:17:54,351 Give me one good reason why I shouldn't punch you 413 00:17:54,352 --> 00:17:56,887 - in the vag right now. - Timeout, okay? 414 00:17:56,888 --> 00:17:59,423 I smoked way too much weed for this. 415 00:17:59,424 --> 00:18:02,026 Timeout. Timeout. 416 00:18:05,563 --> 00:18:07,297 Oh, my boob. 417 00:18:15,173 --> 00:18:18,241 He brought the really good vodka, Iz. 418 00:18:18,242 --> 00:18:19,977 And his dick? 419 00:18:19,978 --> 00:18:21,578 Point being, he was on a mission, okay? 420 00:18:21,579 --> 00:18:23,046 Yeah, duh. 421 00:18:23,047 --> 00:18:25,182 You couldn't intuit that, future psychologist? 422 00:18:25,183 --> 00:18:27,184 Yeah, you'd think, but it only occurred to me 423 00:18:27,185 --> 00:18:29,190 soon after my first orgasm. 424 00:18:29,873 --> 00:18:30,904 Your first? 425 00:18:31,055 --> 00:18:32,990 Kid's got game. 426 00:18:36,527 --> 00:18:38,261 Of course he does. 427 00:18:38,262 --> 00:18:41,598 Never stuck long enough to find out. 428 00:18:43,067 --> 00:18:44,935 Blew it with a good guy, who's also nondouchey, 429 00:18:44,936 --> 00:18:48,138 handsome, and, apparently, screws like a porn star. 430 00:18:48,139 --> 00:18:50,540 This is good. This is... this is good. 431 00:18:50,541 --> 00:18:52,076 Everything's working out. 432 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:57,080 It was a mistake, okay? 433 00:18:57,081 --> 00:18:58,415 We both agreed, 434 00:18:58,416 --> 00:19:01,084 and he's still yours for the having... 435 00:19:01,085 --> 00:19:03,620 if you want him. 436 00:19:03,621 --> 00:19:07,491 He's... he's pissed, but he'll get over it. 437 00:19:07,492 --> 00:19:09,937 Did you hear me? 438 00:19:09,938 --> 00:19:11,938 Loud and clear. 439 00:19:12,430 --> 00:19:14,698 No one is gonna let their daughter be counseled 440 00:19:14,699 --> 00:19:17,367 by an infamous sexual deviant. 441 00:19:17,368 --> 00:19:18,969 Come on. 442 00:19:18,970 --> 00:19:22,039 Why couldn't you have just kept it in a box, hmm? 443 00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:23,240 We tried. 444 00:19:23,241 --> 00:19:25,242 You know, the occasional kinky fun 445 00:19:25,243 --> 00:19:28,045 behind closed doors. 446 00:19:28,046 --> 00:19:29,646 Listen, man, 447 00:19:29,647 --> 00:19:34,051 we love having you guys over, right, you know that? 448 00:19:34,052 --> 00:19:35,786 But you know that Marie's 449 00:19:35,787 --> 00:19:38,722 never gonna be okay with this. 450 00:19:38,723 --> 00:19:42,192 Nobody is. Hmm? 451 00:19:42,193 --> 00:19:43,660 Just look in their eyes. 452 00:19:43,661 --> 00:19:45,262 You know what? 453 00:19:45,263 --> 00:19:47,130 We should've insisted she keep the money. 454 00:19:47,131 --> 00:19:48,999 That put a label on things. 455 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:52,069 Now, the whole arrangement is just so ambiguous. 456 00:19:52,070 --> 00:19:53,403 You're damn right it is. 457 00:19:53,404 --> 00:19:55,005 It's time to take that genie 458 00:19:55,006 --> 00:19:56,873 and jam it right back in the bottle, okay? 459 00:19:56,874 --> 00:19:59,810 She doesn't accept the money, it's over. 460 00:19:59,811 --> 00:20:02,212 Come on, Jack. 461 00:20:02,213 --> 00:20:03,680 Please tell me that you're not still pining 462 00:20:03,681 --> 00:20:05,282 for that married couple. 463 00:20:05,283 --> 00:20:08,152 I'm not still pining for that married couple. 464 00:20:09,687 --> 00:20:12,222 You said please. 465 00:20:12,223 --> 00:20:14,091 Okay, I can't believe I'm actually indulging this, 466 00:20:14,092 --> 00:20:16,893 but, um, what happened this morning, 467 00:20:16,894 --> 00:20:20,164 after your "transformative" threesome last night? 468 00:20:23,034 --> 00:20:24,435 I don't know. 469 00:20:27,572 --> 00:20:31,041 I was just thinking about how 470 00:20:31,042 --> 00:20:35,045 we only have sex, right? 471 00:20:35,046 --> 00:20:37,447 And that... I don't know... no matter how crazy it sounds, 472 00:20:37,448 --> 00:20:40,650 I just... 473 00:20:40,651 --> 00:20:42,252 I think we're bigger than that. 474 00:20:42,253 --> 00:20:44,121 For the record, that's like way up there 475 00:20:44,122 --> 00:20:47,057 on the crazy scale, like you-scare-me crazy, but... 476 00:20:47,058 --> 00:20:48,525 It's not crazy. 477 00:20:48,526 --> 00:20:50,127 I asked them to play hooky 478 00:20:50,128 --> 00:20:51,862 so we could day-drink and hang out at The Pearl. 479 00:20:51,863 --> 00:20:54,531 It's a fucking good day. 480 00:20:55,094 --> 00:20:57,600 All right. Just... just forget 481 00:20:57,602 --> 00:20:59,736 that they are a married couple for a second 482 00:20:59,737 --> 00:21:02,127 - and think of them as the guy. - Okay. 483 00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:04,915 Okay, so you had sex with the guy 484 00:21:04,917 --> 00:21:07,077 that you met like three days ago, 485 00:21:07,078 --> 00:21:09,746 but instead of playing it cool and skedaddling, 486 00:21:09,747 --> 00:21:11,348 you hang around his apartment 487 00:21:11,349 --> 00:21:12,682 and ask him to spend the day with you? 488 00:21:12,683 --> 00:21:14,684 - Is... does that sound right? - Ohhh. 489 00:21:14,685 --> 00:21:16,419 You asked a married couple 490 00:21:16,420 --> 00:21:19,356 to go on a very public daylight date with you. 491 00:21:19,357 --> 00:21:21,358 I just... 492 00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:23,961 I don't see how that could make anybody anxious. 493 00:21:26,564 --> 00:21:27,764 Yeah. 494 00:21:27,765 --> 00:21:29,232 Ohh. 495 00:21:29,233 --> 00:21:32,035 I scared the shit out of them, didn't I? 496 00:21:32,036 --> 00:21:33,904 Yeah. You did. 497 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:39,509 The knee-jerk inclination is to make any new structure blend in 498 00:21:39,510 --> 00:21:41,378 with the overall Hamilton Prep School aesthetic, 499 00:21:41,379 --> 00:21:43,513 but this is a different beast. 500 00:21:43,514 --> 00:21:46,183 Here are a few examples of recently completed 501 00:21:46,184 --> 00:21:48,451 high-school theaters across the country. 502 00:21:48,452 --> 00:21:50,453 They're bold, splashy, 503 00:21:50,454 --> 00:21:53,256 standing out by design apologizing to no one. 504 00:21:53,257 --> 00:21:56,059 Theater and choir students are proudly different. 505 00:21:56,060 --> 00:21:58,461 They're not like everybody else and they don't want to be. 506 00:21:58,462 --> 00:21:59,796 The building should reflect that. 507 00:21:59,797 --> 00:22:01,398 Oh, and, Dean Weinstock, 508 00:22:01,399 --> 00:22:03,266 did I mention the creative-freedom discount? 509 00:22:03,267 --> 00:22:05,001 As our senior partner likes to say, 510 00:22:05,002 --> 00:22:07,537 "Make coin or make a splash." 511 00:22:07,538 --> 00:22:09,406 Ideally, both? 512 00:22:09,407 --> 00:22:11,808 Well, that gets my name on the door. Everybody wins. 513 00:22:11,809 --> 00:22:15,145 Our competitors tell you otherwise, they're full of shit. 514 00:22:15,146 --> 00:22:16,880 Oh, did... did I just say "shit"? 515 00:22:16,881 --> 00:22:20,083 I meant to say malarkey or something equally folksy. 516 00:22:21,819 --> 00:22:23,553 Very well done, Mrs. Trakarsky. 517 00:22:23,554 --> 00:22:24,754 Thank you. 518 00:22:30,361 --> 00:22:33,430 - We're kind of on fire. - I know, right? 519 00:22:33,431 --> 00:22:36,099 Hawthorne's latest and greatest power couple. 520 00:22:36,100 --> 00:22:38,368 I mean, I'm gonna be dean, you're gonna be partner, 521 00:22:38,369 --> 00:22:40,904 and maybe we can try to have a baby. 522 00:22:40,905 --> 00:22:42,505 Well, everything good or bad happens in threes. 523 00:22:42,506 --> 00:22:44,374 Right? 524 00:22:48,112 --> 00:22:50,113 Got some advice from Gabe today. 525 00:22:50,114 --> 00:22:51,715 Let me guess... we should save our marriage 526 00:22:51,716 --> 00:22:53,583 by having a foursome. 527 00:22:53,584 --> 00:22:55,986 He basically said that, you know, 528 00:22:55,987 --> 00:22:57,587 we totally screwed up by taking the money 529 00:22:57,588 --> 00:22:59,189 out of the relationship with Izzy. 530 00:22:59,190 --> 00:23:01,858 The money's what kept it a finite business arrangement. 531 00:23:01,859 --> 00:23:04,394 Good, old-fashioned, American sex for hire, 532 00:23:04,395 --> 00:23:07,998 not... whatever we've let this become. 533 00:23:07,999 --> 00:23:10,400 He also said that if it ever became anything more than that, 534 00:23:10,401 --> 00:23:12,802 that he and Marie would totally cut us off. 535 00:23:12,803 --> 00:23:14,271 So did Carmen. 536 00:23:14,272 --> 00:23:16,273 So did Dave. 537 00:23:21,078 --> 00:23:23,079 Crazy thing is, it worked. 538 00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,615 The plan worked. I mean, I don't know about you. 539 00:23:25,616 --> 00:23:27,751 It feels to me like we're having the best sex of our lives. 540 00:23:27,752 --> 00:23:30,153 Yeah. 541 00:23:30,154 --> 00:23:33,356 - Right? - Yeah. 542 00:23:33,357 --> 00:23:35,759 Jack, where's it possibly gonna go from here? 543 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:38,762 I mean, h... how does she realistically fit into our... 544 00:23:38,901 --> 00:23:41,017 our work, our jobs, our lives? 545 00:23:42,033 --> 00:23:45,502 But we knew that going in, you know? 546 00:23:45,503 --> 00:23:46,970 She kind of erased the boundaries 547 00:23:46,971 --> 00:23:49,039 when she tore up that check. 548 00:23:50,841 --> 00:23:53,243 It's like she thinks we're dating, 549 00:23:53,244 --> 00:23:55,111 like this could be something permanent. 550 00:23:55,112 --> 00:23:56,579 I know. 551 00:23:56,580 --> 00:23:57,914 All right. So what's our move? 552 00:23:57,915 --> 00:23:59,916 We just invite her over 553 00:23:59,917 --> 00:24:03,386 and tell her she's got to take the money. 554 00:24:03,387 --> 00:24:05,522 Yeah. Or... or it's over. 555 00:24:05,523 --> 00:24:08,591 - Or it's over, right? - Yeah. 556 00:24:08,592 --> 00:24:11,261 So why aren't we just walking away from this? 557 00:24:14,332 --> 00:24:16,199 - Mom? - What was that? 558 00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,868 Did you hear that? 559 00:24:18,869 --> 00:24:21,271 That sounded a lot like... 560 00:24:21,272 --> 00:24:22,739 I'm sorry. 561 00:24:22,740 --> 00:24:24,874 I think I must've butt-dialed you. 562 00:24:24,875 --> 00:24:29,546 No, no, it's all good. 563 00:24:29,547 --> 00:24:31,815 Yeah. See you when I get home. 564 00:24:31,816 --> 00:24:33,416 Bye. 565 00:24:33,417 --> 00:24:35,418 Hey. 566 00:24:35,419 --> 00:24:37,287 Sweetheart, I... I don't know what you think you heard... 567 00:24:37,288 --> 00:24:39,422 You mean the part about Izzy not being your niece, 568 00:24:39,423 --> 00:24:40,757 or the part about you guys paying her 569 00:24:40,758 --> 00:24:42,759 to have pervy, three-way sex with you? 570 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:45,161 Wha... what? No, Ava. No. 571 00:24:45,162 --> 00:24:49,432 Silly, wonderful Ava. 572 00:24:49,433 --> 00:24:50,900 We... No. 573 00:24:50,901 --> 00:24:52,369 Um, we were walking down and then we were talking 574 00:24:52,370 --> 00:24:55,118 about something that was totally not that at all. 575 00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:56,186 No, no, no. 576 00:24:56,190 --> 00:24:57,841 Don't... don't waste my time, Jack, 577 00:24:57,842 --> 00:24:59,442 because I've got class in five. 578 00:24:59,443 --> 00:25:01,177 We got some negotiating to do, don't we? 579 00:25:01,178 --> 00:25:03,446 - It's Mr. Trakarsky. - I'm pretty sure 580 00:25:03,447 --> 00:25:05,982 it's whatever I want it to be now. 581 00:25:05,983 --> 00:25:07,717 Jack. 582 00:25:07,718 --> 00:25:09,586 Oh, God. 583 00:25:10,654 --> 00:25:12,255 She's blackmailing us, Jack. 584 00:25:12,256 --> 00:25:13,456 That's why she didn't tell Lori. 585 00:25:13,457 --> 00:25:14,924 - Oh, God. - Right? 586 00:25:14,925 --> 00:25:16,526 - Yeah. Oh, yeah. - Oh, my God. 587 00:25:16,527 --> 00:25:18,395 Oh, my God. 588 00:25:18,396 --> 00:25:21,197 Oh. Oh, don't be sad, Jack. 589 00:25:21,198 --> 00:25:23,867 You get to be dean 590 00:25:23,868 --> 00:25:27,070 and I get to be class president. 591 00:25:27,071 --> 00:25:30,940 And whatever else pops into my silly, wonderful head. 592 00:25:30,941 --> 00:25:33,076 - Whoo! - Oh, no. 593 00:25:33,077 --> 00:25:35,612 Yeah. Oh, yeah. 594 00:25:35,613 --> 00:25:36,946 No, no, no. 595 00:26:14,519 --> 00:26:19,519 subtitle by peritta - corrections by chamallow 41970

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