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1
00:00:02,068 --> 00:00:04,127
Okay, Salem, I'm off.
Now, you know the rules.
2
00:00:04,304 --> 00:00:06,966
Yeah, yeah.
No more sleeping in bras.
3
00:00:07,140 --> 00:00:09,165
I'm serious.
If you talk in front of a mortal,
4
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:11,833
you're looking at another hundred
years trapped in a cat's body.
5
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,912
- Ugh.
- See you later, guys.
6
00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:17,481
There's our girl,
off to her first day of work.
7
00:00:17,650 --> 00:00:19,174
They grow up so fast, don't they?
8
00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:23,015
Now, we know you're gonna be busy,
so Roxie made you a sack lunch.
9
00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:25,123
Guys,
I'm just going to my first day of work,
10
00:00:25,291 --> 00:00:27,122
not my first of day kindergarten.
11
00:00:27,293 --> 00:00:28,920
Hey, where's my juice box?
12
00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:30,187
So, nervous?
13
00:00:30,363 --> 00:00:32,524
Not really.
I've been a reporter for a while now.
14
00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:34,599
- You were an intern.
- And this is a magazine.
15
00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:36,395
It's totally different
than a newspaper.
16
00:00:36,569 --> 00:00:38,400
It has color pictures.
17
00:00:38,571 --> 00:00:39,595
Guys, it's just a job.
18
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:42,173
Interviewing famous rock stars,
hanging out with celebrities,
19
00:00:42,342 --> 00:00:45,539
staying ahead of trends, working
with people with a lot more experience.
20
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:46,804
Oh, my God. Bag.
21
00:00:49,482 --> 00:00:51,882
- Ugh. Tuna.
- You're gonna be great.
22
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,178
Just be yourself.
23
00:00:53,353 --> 00:00:55,548
Or someone
slightly more interesting.
24
00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:57,656
You're right. I'm fine.
25
00:00:57,824 --> 00:00:59,917
Salem, get off my jacket.
26
00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:01,287
You ready to knock them dead?
27
00:01:01,928 --> 00:01:04,021
Yep. I feel confident.
28
00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:06,324
My hair looks good,
my outfit looks good.
29
00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:09,559
Everything's gonna be good.
30
00:01:12,105 --> 00:01:14,505
- Sabrina.
- What?
31
00:01:14,674 --> 00:01:16,403
Watch your back.
32
00:01:16,576 --> 00:01:18,373
That's so sweet.
33
00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:06,454
Yeah, agua.
Where would we be without it?
34
00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:09,393
Well, I guess we'd pee a lot less.
35
00:02:09,562 --> 00:02:12,087
The new girl's got a naughty mouth.
I like that.
36
00:02:12,732 --> 00:02:14,666
Uh, listen, I'm supposed
to be meeting with Annie.
37
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:17,769
But I've been waiting so long,
I might need to shave my legs again.
38
00:02:17,937 --> 00:02:20,428
Ha, ha. Yeah,
Annie's concept of time is a little fluid.
39
00:02:20,607 --> 00:02:22,370
You probably have time
to grab a latte.
40
00:02:22,542 --> 00:02:23,975
Or grow a redwood.
41
00:02:25,345 --> 00:02:27,506
- First day, huh?
- Yeah, yeah.
42
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:29,204
- First days are kind of hard.
- Yeah.
43
00:02:29,382 --> 00:02:31,213
Lots of questions.
What am I supposed to do?
44
00:02:31,384 --> 00:02:33,079
Where do I park?
Who do I eat lunch with?
45
00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:35,915
- I'll eat lunch with you.
- Actually, that was sort of rhetorical.
46
00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:37,386
I brought my lunch.
47
00:02:37,557 --> 00:02:39,388
Oh, your mom
packs your lunch too, huh?
48
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,484
So, uh, Leonard, right?
49
00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:43,959
What do you do here?
50
00:02:44,430 --> 00:02:48,366
Oh, I'm, uh... I'm the publisher's
right-hand man. His go-to guy.
51
00:02:48,535 --> 00:02:52,494
His vice president of "I'm losing
my mind, help me put my pants on."
52
00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:53,730
He sells ad space.
53
00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:57,070
Oh, Leonard, by the way, uh,
we need more toner.
54
00:02:58,411 --> 00:03:01,437
I do many things here.
55
00:03:01,614 --> 00:03:03,912
Uh, listen, I think I'm just gonna
knock on Annie's door.
56
00:03:04,083 --> 00:03:07,416
No, it's just... What I really am
is, uh, the idea guy.
57
00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:11,523
Like my idea for the, uh, Limp Biscuit
Scratch and Sniff centerfold.
58
00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:12,715
Awesome, no?
59
00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:14,851
Maybe if it smelled like biscuits.
60
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,222
[LEONARD CHUCKLES]
61
00:03:18,831 --> 00:03:21,231
Might smell like biscuits.
62
00:03:25,238 --> 00:03:27,604
Um, excuse me. Hi, I've been
waiting out here for a meeting.
63
00:03:27,774 --> 00:03:29,298
- I suddenly thought that maybe...
- Sit.
64
00:03:29,475 --> 00:03:30,601
Exactly.
65
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:35,373
So, um, we met the other day.
You're the senior editor, right?
66
00:03:36,015 --> 00:03:37,073
You're very close.
67
00:03:37,250 --> 00:03:39,912
I knew you were up there, because
you have amazing self-confidence.
68
00:03:40,086 --> 00:03:43,055
You're sitting very close.
You're practically on my lap.
69
00:03:43,489 --> 00:03:45,116
Gotcha.
70
00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:46,553
I'm a little nervous, ha, ha.
71
00:03:46,726 --> 00:03:49,718
See, this job came out of nowhere,
and while I'm excited about it,
72
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:53,059
I also don't know what it is, and once
I stop talking, you'll explain it to me.
73
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,257
Here's the deal.
74
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:56,425
Scorch Magazine
focuses on everything
75
00:03:56,603 --> 00:03:59,436
and anything that's cutting edge
with an emphasis on music.
76
00:03:59,606 --> 00:04:01,096
Jonathan Culver, our publisher,
77
00:04:01,274 --> 00:04:03,674
thinks you'd bring a fresh perspective
to the magazine.
78
00:04:03,843 --> 00:04:06,971
But I do have a fresh perspective.
I mean, I'm beyond fresh, I'm ripe.
79
00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:08,773
But that's mostly
from being nervous.
80
00:04:10,383 --> 00:04:12,248
So, uh, what's my first assignment?
81
00:04:12,418 --> 00:04:15,114
Why don't you go see
if the intern wants some water?
82
00:04:15,288 --> 00:04:17,313
Uh, wait a minute.
I'm here to be a reporter.
83
00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:19,151
There's gotta be something
I can report.
84
00:04:19,325 --> 00:04:20,815
Oh, what about this?
85
00:04:20,994 --> 00:04:22,291
Nope, that's taken.
86
00:04:22,462 --> 00:04:24,521
- By whom?
- Me, I just took it.
87
00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:27,925
Oh, come on, do you actually
expect me to allow an unproven writer
88
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,899
to interview a major rock star
on her first day?
89
00:04:31,070 --> 00:04:32,935
Come on, I know
you have low expectations of me,
90
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:34,232
and I promise I'll meet them.
91
00:04:34,407 --> 00:04:36,238
I mean, exceed them.
92
00:04:37,243 --> 00:04:39,734
All right, fine. Your first assignment.
93
00:04:39,912 --> 00:04:41,174
You and our photographer, James,
94
00:04:41,347 --> 00:04:43,281
are going to the Cape
to do a profile on Strum.
95
00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:47,548
- You do know who Strum is?
- Oh, sure, the musician. I love him.
96
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,450
You know, I saw that film he did with
Jakob Dylan, Strum and Strummer.
97
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:52,147
[CHUCKLES]
98
00:04:52,325 --> 00:04:54,350
Okay, the humor thing?
The witty banter?
99
00:04:54,527 --> 00:04:56,154
- I don't do it.
- Okay, right.
100
00:04:56,329 --> 00:04:57,489
No humor. No jokes.
101
00:04:57,664 --> 00:04:59,598
I won't even say,
"knock, knock" when I enter.
102
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:01,794
Did I read about you?
103
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:04,766
Are you the little girl
who couldn't smile?
104
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:08,630
SALEM: Since I can't ask youfor the cream cheese,
105
00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:11,675
I'm gonna stare at youtill you give it up.
106
00:05:12,078 --> 00:05:14,512
Oh, I hate
when this cat stares at me.
107
00:05:14,681 --> 00:05:16,842
At least you got the end with eyes.
108
00:05:17,016 --> 00:05:20,782
You know, he jumps on the table,
he gets on the couch.
109
00:05:20,953 --> 00:05:22,887
Sabrina's aunts
gave him way too much leeway.
110
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:24,614
We have gotta discipline him.
111
00:05:24,791 --> 00:05:26,383
Look, Morgan,
you're not an animal person.
112
00:05:26,559 --> 00:05:29,824
If he's on the table, just say,
"Kitty, get off the table."
113
00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,623
SALEM:
Yeah, look at me scamper.
114
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:34,358
See?
We're just gonna have to train him.
115
00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:36,764
He's a cat, Morgan.
You don't train cats.
116
00:05:36,936 --> 00:05:39,268
You just live with them
in case you never get married.
117
00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:41,430
Well, we'll see about that.
118
00:05:41,607 --> 00:05:45,976
It's time to learn some manners,
Mr. Hair-All-Over-The-Place.
119
00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:47,169
SALEM:
You should talk.
120
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,713
You got enough mustacheto be an assistant coach.
121
00:05:49,882 --> 00:05:53,648
So, Mr. Strum spent so much money
building a personal gym,
122
00:05:53,820 --> 00:05:55,651
he couldn't afford a watch?
123
00:05:55,822 --> 00:05:58,154
I'll tell you,
this place really takes me back.
124
00:05:58,591 --> 00:06:00,752
- I used to be a personal trainer.
- Really?
125
00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:03,088
Yeah, watch yourself.
126
00:06:06,599 --> 00:06:09,432
All right, well, they changed
the equipment since then.
127
00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:12,768
I'm so sorry I'm late.
128
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,730
What's up, dawg, how's it going?
129
00:06:14,907 --> 00:06:17,273
- It's been a long time.
- Yeah, too long.
130
00:06:17,443 --> 00:06:18,501
The pool's filthy.
131
00:06:18,678 --> 00:06:20,873
Oh, no, uh, Strum,
this is James, our photographer.
132
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,947
And I'm Sabrina Spellman,
the reporter.
133
00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:24,378
I have all your CDs.
134
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:26,984
Well, actually they're MP3s
I downloaded off...
135
00:06:27,153 --> 00:06:29,246
Okay,
let's get straight to the interview.
136
00:06:29,422 --> 00:06:33,188
So, um, I understand you're
in the studio working on a new CD.
137
00:06:33,359 --> 00:06:34,383
Do you have a title?
138
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,994
- Move.
- Oh, that's cool.
139
00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:40,826
No, sweetheart. Move.
I can't see myself.
140
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:42,428
Sorry.
141
00:06:43,202 --> 00:06:45,227
Sweat, please.
142
00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:48,100
Sneeze coming.
143
00:06:49,776 --> 00:06:53,576
Now, get out of here with that.
And don't let me catch that on eBay.
144
00:06:56,315 --> 00:06:59,876
Uh, so, Strum, um,
who were your musical influences?
145
00:07:00,052 --> 00:07:04,045
Well, I'd have to say my biggest
influence was early Brian Ardmore.
146
00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:06,350
Oh, I'm not familiar
with Brian Ardmore.
147
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,060
That was me
before I changed my name.
148
00:07:11,330 --> 00:07:13,195
Dude,
if you're not gonna take pictures,
149
00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:14,663
you might as well clean the pool.
150
00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:17,200
I mean,
I'm not doing this for my health.
151
00:07:19,338 --> 00:07:21,670
Excuse me. These weights
aren't gonna lift themselves.
152
00:07:23,676 --> 00:07:25,610
Do you think you can fit
that ego in the shot?
153
00:07:25,778 --> 00:07:27,803
If I take it from the Hubble.
154
00:07:28,481 --> 00:07:32,508
After Salem turned my latest fashion
design into a scratching post,
155
00:07:32,685 --> 00:07:36,348
I decided to buy
the ultimate cat-training system.
156
00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:40,458
SALEM: Nice, but I believeit's pearls that go with basic black.
157
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:43,322
How is a crummy cat collar
gonna keep him off the furniture?
158
00:07:43,496 --> 00:07:45,327
Oh, that's no ordinary collar.
159
00:07:45,498 --> 00:07:47,295
As soon as he jumps
on the furniture...
160
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:48,657
[SALEM YELLS]
161
00:07:48,835 --> 00:07:49,859
Morgan.
162
00:07:50,236 --> 00:07:52,670
Relax. It's perfectly humane.
163
00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:55,967
It says right here,
"Not tested on animals."
164
00:07:56,142 --> 00:08:00,340
SALEM: You sadistic ditz.Sabrina will never stand for this.
165
00:08:00,513 --> 00:08:02,981
Well, I finished my article
on Strum, and I gotta say,
166
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:06,448
I'm usually my own worst critic,
but it's perfect.
167
00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:07,745
I mean, when Annie sees this,
168
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,388
she's gonna be thrilled
that I was forced on her.
169
00:08:10,556 --> 00:08:14,014
Listen, Sabrina, would mind
if we started training the cat?
170
00:08:14,193 --> 00:08:16,627
SALEM: Of course she'd mind.Tell her, Sabrina.
171
00:08:17,396 --> 00:08:18,420
Yeah, sure, whatever.
172
00:08:18,598 --> 00:08:20,156
SALEM:
Huh?
173
00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:21,826
[SALEM YELLS]
174
00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:23,992
I think you had it set too high.
175
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,501
I had it on "cat."
176
00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:26,797
[REMOTE BEEPS]
177
00:08:26,973 --> 00:08:28,463
Oh, "cattle."
178
00:08:28,641 --> 00:08:31,132
[SALEM WHIMPERS]
179
00:08:32,111 --> 00:08:33,203
Hey, what's going on?
180
00:08:33,379 --> 00:08:35,677
I'm so excited.
I just handed in my article to Annie.
181
00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:36,906
I hope she likes it.
182
00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:38,812
What am I saying?
I hope she loves it.
183
00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:41,112
- Oh, I'm Sabrina, by the way.
- Oh, Cole Harper.
184
00:08:41,287 --> 00:08:43,278
Right, you used to write
for Rolling Stone Magazine.
185
00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:45,515
I've been reading your articles
since I was in high...
186
00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:48,057
- Hi, how you doing?
- Good, good.
187
00:08:48,227 --> 00:08:51,390
- So I see you made yourself at home.
- Yeah, just settling in.
188
00:08:51,564 --> 00:08:52,929
So where do you sit?
189
00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:55,829
Well, right now someone's
at my desk, so I'm just kind of floating.
190
00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:58,698
Don't you hate that?
I haven't been given a desk yet.
191
00:08:58,871 --> 00:09:00,805
Oh, I have.
192
00:09:00,973 --> 00:09:03,908
- And you're in it.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
193
00:09:04,076 --> 00:09:05,907
Nobody's told me
where I'm supposed to sit yet.
194
00:09:06,078 --> 00:09:07,943
Well, that may not be necessary.
195
00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:10,947
- We can't use this.
- Well, what's wrong with it?
196
00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:12,744
It's a puff piece. A love letter.
197
00:09:13,452 --> 00:09:16,353
I could have used the fourth paragraph
to sweeten my coffee.
198
00:09:16,522 --> 00:09:18,046
Well, you know,
if you had kept reading,
199
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:21,022
you would have noticed I mentioned
he was late and his pool was cloudy.
200
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:25,463
Nice, nice, very nice.
201
00:09:25,631 --> 00:09:27,155
Thank you, that's what I thought.
202
00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:30,131
No, you used the word "nice"
three times in one paragraph.
203
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:32,931
Look, Strum is a big star.
Now, what was I supposed to say?
204
00:09:33,105 --> 00:09:35,596
That he was the most pompous,
arrogant jerk I've ever met?
205
00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:37,367
- I'd read that.
- Right.
206
00:09:37,543 --> 00:09:40,535
Seriously, people wanna know
what celebrities are really like.
207
00:09:40,713 --> 00:09:43,307
So I'm just supposed
to be brutally honest?
208
00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:45,842
Which may be hard
for someone like you.
209
00:09:46,018 --> 00:09:47,645
Oh, I can do it if I have to.
210
00:09:47,820 --> 00:09:49,014
I'm gonna go in there right now
211
00:09:49,188 --> 00:09:50,849
and tell Annie
exactly what I think of her.
212
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,451
Or I could just rewrite this article.
213
00:10:46,345 --> 00:10:47,710
Done.
214
00:10:48,614 --> 00:10:51,742
- Phew. I'm fried.
- Oh, you're fried?
215
00:10:51,917 --> 00:10:53,885
I smell like a bad perm.
216
00:10:54,053 --> 00:10:56,419
[SALEM WHIMPERS
AND COUGHS]
217
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:58,955
"The Ego has Landed"
by Sabrina Spellman.
218
00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:01,957
"Conceit of his pants." Clever.
219
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:05,464
"Strum's so vain, he probably
thinks this article's about him."
220
00:11:05,631 --> 00:11:06,893
- Good one.
- Yeah.
221
00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:10,593
Wait till you get to the part about him
bending backwards to kiss his butt.
222
00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:12,738
So I guess
now that you've been published,
223
00:11:12,905 --> 00:11:14,566
we should actually give you a desk.
224
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:16,469
Why don't you take
that one right there?
225
00:11:16,642 --> 00:11:19,236
Really? Great.
226
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:20,606
Wow.
227
00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:23,248
I finally feel like I'm finally here.
228
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:24,815
I want her fired.
229
00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:27,210
Well, that was nice while it lasted.
230
00:11:33,125 --> 00:11:35,355
No one is getting fired.
I stand by my writer.
231
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,586
I'm not gonna silence her.
232
00:11:36,762 --> 00:11:37,820
- Thank you.
- Shut up.
233
00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:39,021
If you don't fire her,
234
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:41,257
then I'll tell every one
of my music industry friends
235
00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:43,095
never to talk
to your magazine again.
236
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,499
Oh, that's two interviews
we're gonna have to do without.
237
00:11:45,671 --> 00:11:48,538
You won't fire her? Then I'll sue.
238
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,505
Sue away.
My editor stands by my story.
239
00:11:50,676 --> 00:11:53,440
Okay, how about if she prints
a retraction in the next issue?
240
00:11:53,612 --> 00:11:56,376
- What? I'm not writing a retraction.
- Well, I'm not getting sued.
241
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,608
- How about a public apology?
SABRINA: Wait a minute.
242
00:11:58,784 --> 00:11:59,808
- Would that work?
- No.
243
00:11:59,985 --> 00:12:02,146
- How about at tomorrow's concert?
- Hello?
244
00:12:02,321 --> 00:12:05,449
Maybe she could be dancing
in a big tub of bean dip.
245
00:12:05,991 --> 00:12:07,925
Oh, right, I went too far.
246
00:12:09,095 --> 00:12:11,563
Deal. I'll see you on-stage.
247
00:12:12,998 --> 00:12:14,022
Thanks, guys.
248
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,997
This was a great day
for the First Amendment.
249
00:12:16,168 --> 00:12:17,897
Is anybody listening to me?
250
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:20,265
I am, Sabrina. I'm here for you.
251
00:12:20,439 --> 00:12:22,430
Anybody at all?
252
00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:25,404
Here, Salem, it's all yours.
253
00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:27,039
I'm too worked up to eat.
254
00:12:27,213 --> 00:12:30,876
Oh, no.
I'm not jumping on any furniture.
255
00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:32,847
Your friends broke me.
256
00:12:33,018 --> 00:12:35,418
Well, at least now
you'll stop throwing out your hip.
257
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:38,853
Are you still mumbling to yourself
about this whole apology thing?
258
00:12:39,024 --> 00:12:40,514
This really stinks.
259
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:43,753
I mean, if I apologize,
then I give up everything I believe in.
260
00:12:43,929 --> 00:12:46,124
If I don't, only thing
I'll be writing is bad checks.
261
00:12:46,298 --> 00:12:48,323
Oh, please, it's a no-brainer.
262
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:50,128
To be on-stage with Strum?
263
00:12:50,302 --> 00:12:53,100
I'd give up anything,
including my dignity.
264
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:55,763
You gave that up when you appeared
in Girls Gone Wild 8.
265
00:12:56,909 --> 00:12:59,309
Look, Sabrina, how would you feel
if you got up on that stage
266
00:12:59,478 --> 00:13:01,537
and let everyone in the world
see you grovel?
267
00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:04,979
Demeaned, degraded, de...
Not very happy.
268
00:13:05,151 --> 00:13:06,209
Then there you go.
269
00:13:06,752 --> 00:13:07,980
Thanks, Roxie.
270
00:13:08,187 --> 00:13:09,211
[MORGAN CLEARS THROAT]
271
00:13:09,922 --> 00:13:11,219
While you're handing out thanks,
272
00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:14,553
how about thanking the person
that's been training your cat all week?
273
00:13:15,694 --> 00:13:19,460
Salem, bring me my mascara.
274
00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:23,701
Prepare to be amazed.
275
00:13:25,571 --> 00:13:27,971
Wow. Talk about whipped.
276
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:30,301
Thank you, Salem.
277
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:33,172
Who's my good boy?
Who's my good boy?
278
00:13:33,345 --> 00:13:34,471
[SALEM WHIMPERS]
279
00:13:36,415 --> 00:13:39,213
Annie, I've got something to tell you.
I've given this a lot of thought,
280
00:13:39,385 --> 00:13:41,683
and I've decided I'm not gonna
go through with the apology.
281
00:13:41,854 --> 00:13:42,878
- Fine.
- Fine?
282
00:13:43,055 --> 00:13:44,920
- Fine.
- Fine as in you're in fine with it,
283
00:13:45,090 --> 00:13:46,853
or fine as in find another job?
284
00:13:47,026 --> 00:13:49,426
That's not up to me.
I'll let Jonathan know of your decision.
285
00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:51,454
Well, um,
maybe I should go tell Jonathan.
286
00:13:51,630 --> 00:13:53,928
That way you can stay here
and continue frightening people.
287
00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:55,927
You can't speak with Jonathan.
288
00:13:56,101 --> 00:13:59,730
He sets the bar for trends around here,
and right now, human contact is out.
289
00:13:59,905 --> 00:14:02,635
Fine. I just wanted to let you know
I'm not apologizing to Strum.
290
00:14:02,808 --> 00:14:04,469
- Yeah, I heard you the first time.
- Good.
291
00:14:04,643 --> 00:14:06,702
Then I've said everything
I came in here to say.
292
00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:08,437
Twice.
293
00:14:10,983 --> 00:14:14,146
Sabrina, have you decided what you're
gonna wear to the concert tonight?
294
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,254
Because whenever my girlfriends
have to apologize,
295
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:19,016
I find a halter-top
puts me in a very forgiving mood.
296
00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:21,284
What makes you think
I'm gonna apologize?
297
00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:24,327
And whatever happened
to standing up for what you believe in?
298
00:14:24,496 --> 00:14:27,624
Well, actually, nothing, if you're
Nelson Mandela or Mother Teresa.
299
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,893
But we ain't saving the lives
of starving people here.
300
00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:32,333
We're just telling them
what to dance to.
301
00:14:32,738 --> 00:14:35,707
Just between you and me,
very smart move giving in.
302
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,069
It took me six months to learn
303
00:14:37,243 --> 00:14:39,370
that if you don't fight them
when they're pantsing you,
304
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:41,172
they don't run them up the flagpole.
305
00:14:41,347 --> 00:14:43,941
- Kids can be so cruel.
- Oh, yeah.
306
00:14:44,116 --> 00:14:46,550
Thirteen-year-olds
are much bigger than they used to be.
307
00:14:49,088 --> 00:14:50,988
Hey, when you do
this apology thing...
308
00:14:51,156 --> 00:14:52,214
I'm not doing it.
309
00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:54,291
Really? Wow.
310
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:57,429
I mean, when I first started out
as a reporter, I was idealistic.
311
00:14:57,596 --> 00:15:02,590
I wanted to free political prisoners,
save the ozone, expose corruption.
312
00:15:02,768 --> 00:15:04,429
Then I decided
I wanted a Harley more.
313
00:15:04,870 --> 00:15:07,236
You sold out that easily?
314
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:10,671
- Compromise is part of the business.
- What are you talking about?
315
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:13,676
You're the one who got me into this.
You told me to be brutally honest.
316
00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:15,780
Brutal honesty has its place.
317
00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:18,712
But then again,
so does keeping your job.
318
00:15:19,518 --> 00:15:22,248
- Listen, Annie, about the apology.
- Yes?
319
00:15:23,055 --> 00:15:25,182
Do you know a good place
to buy a halter-top? Ha, ha.
320
00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:33,823
Uh, just out of curiosity,
321
00:15:33,999 --> 00:15:37,366
how come there weren't
any white cats on death row?
322
00:15:37,536 --> 00:15:39,231
[SCREAMS]
323
00:15:39,405 --> 00:15:41,965
[GASPS THEN YELLS]
324
00:15:42,975 --> 00:15:46,911
I wonder if I can flip this cushion.
325
00:15:47,413 --> 00:15:48,437
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
326
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:51,674
Hey, can we do this? Sounds like the
audience is getting a little impatient.
327
00:15:51,850 --> 00:15:53,681
That's not the audience.
328
00:15:53,852 --> 00:15:56,013
Just part of my pre-concert ritual.
329
00:15:56,188 --> 00:15:57,348
Oh, speaking of which.
330
00:15:57,990 --> 00:15:59,321
My pills.
331
00:15:59,491 --> 00:16:02,858
Oh, perfect. All the rock star elements:
The ego, the drugs.
332
00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:05,724
All that's missing
is a brief loveless marriage to J-Lo.
333
00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:07,427
It was an antihistamine, honey.
334
00:16:07,599 --> 00:16:08,623
[SCOFFS]
335
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:10,598
I'm allergic to the flowers
I sent myself.
336
00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:12,066
Great, can we get this over with?
337
00:16:12,237 --> 00:16:14,671
I still have a tiny shred of dignity
lodged behind my spleen.
338
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:18,332
- Hey, I like the halter.
- Oops. There it goes.
339
00:16:18,510 --> 00:16:20,410
MAN [NEARBY]:
Let's go. They're waiting.
340
00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:24,208
Well, go on.
Get the girls screaming for me, okay?
341
00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:27,112
Oh, I had an idea.
342
00:16:27,286 --> 00:16:30,050
You know, saying you're sorry
may not have enough impact.
343
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:33,314
So I'm gonna roll up a copy
of this Scorch Magazine,
344
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:36,154
you'll bend over
and I'll spank you with it.
345
00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:37,989
- It's great.
- Oh, that's it. Forget it.
346
00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:40,131
- I'm not doing it.
- Excuse me?
347
00:16:40,299 --> 00:16:41,391
Well, I'm not apologizing.
348
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:43,967
And I'm not letting anyone
spank me on-stage.
349
00:16:44,136 --> 00:16:46,696
Well, maybe if it was Dave Matthews
and it was more of a love tap.
350
00:16:46,872 --> 00:16:49,067
I'm sorry, are you still talking?
351
00:16:49,241 --> 00:16:51,505
Why should I compromise
my self-respect just for some job?
352
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:54,874
Everything I wrote about you is true.
You're a narcissistic, arrogant jerk,
353
00:16:55,047 --> 00:16:56,844
and I never met anyone
with such a big head.
354
00:16:57,016 --> 00:17:00,952
Excuse me, you're confusing
a big head with self-confidence.
355
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:04,521
- Now, move it.
- Oh, now you've done it.
356
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,386
Make this blow-hard realizeHis empty head is super-sized
357
00:17:08,994 --> 00:17:12,157
Time to give these mall rats
the minimum effort.
358
00:17:12,331 --> 00:17:14,891
They're gonna be talking
about this concert for years.
359
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:17,934
Hello, Boston. Yeah.
360
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:20,963
That's weird.
361
00:17:21,140 --> 00:17:22,664
My head.
362
00:17:23,242 --> 00:17:25,233
It's huge.
363
00:17:25,411 --> 00:17:27,174
[SNEEZES]
364
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:28,872
Darn allergies.
365
00:17:29,415 --> 00:17:31,645
Or maybe your mind's
trying to tell you something.
366
00:17:31,817 --> 00:17:34,149
Maybe this wouldn't be happening
if you weren't so arrogant.
367
00:17:34,319 --> 00:17:37,982
- Have you ever tried being humble?
- Yeah, for about two weeks.
368
00:17:38,157 --> 00:17:40,557
And then all of a sudden
I found out somebody had that name.
369
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:43,456
MAN [NEARBY]: Come on, Strum.
The crowd's getting restless.
370
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:45,494
- Okay, well, good luck.
- Wait, wait.
371
00:17:45,664 --> 00:17:48,758
You gotta help me.
What am I gonna do?
372
00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:51,528
I'd start recognizing that there
are other people in this world.
373
00:17:51,703 --> 00:17:53,295
I know there's other people.
374
00:17:53,472 --> 00:17:55,497
I mean,
some of them bring me things.
375
00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:58,467
Okay.
376
00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:03,911
I guess some of my success comes
from those who write my songs.
377
00:18:05,284 --> 00:18:06,410
It's working.
378
00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:09,452
And I guess it wasn't right
to demand all the royalties
379
00:18:09,621 --> 00:18:12,249
from those beginner guitar books.
380
00:18:13,792 --> 00:18:15,054
Good.
381
00:18:15,227 --> 00:18:17,320
And perhaps it wasn't right
to tell Muhammad Ali
382
00:18:17,496 --> 00:18:19,327
that I'm actually the greatest.
383
00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:21,466
Although I bet I could take him.
384
00:18:21,633 --> 00:18:23,658
Okay, maybe not.
385
00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:26,461
Oh, look at that. Back to normal.
386
00:18:26,638 --> 00:18:30,199
Now forget the inflated headRemember the ego lesson instead
387
00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:34,570
Phew.
Not a hair out of place. Thank God.
388
00:18:34,746 --> 00:18:37,715
Oh, yeah. Thank you too.
389
00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:39,646
I guess we can let the apology slide
for now.
390
00:18:40,085 --> 00:18:41,109
Thanks.
391
00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:44,255
But if you're up for a private spanking,
the show's over after midnight.
392
00:18:44,423 --> 00:18:47,449
Oh, bummer, I'm already booked
for a wedgie at 11:30.
393
00:18:55,234 --> 00:18:58,260
[SALEM GRUNTING]
394
00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:03,402
Come on, Red. It's payback time.
395
00:19:03,575 --> 00:19:07,067
Good kitty. Not on the furniture.
396
00:19:07,246 --> 00:19:09,612
And for being so good,
397
00:19:09,781 --> 00:19:12,477
I am gonna give you
an extra special treat.
398
00:19:12,651 --> 00:19:15,484
SALEM: And I'm gonna help thempull you down off the moon.
399
00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:18,214
You can join me on the couch.
400
00:19:18,390 --> 00:19:19,516
SALEM:
What?
401
00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:24,356
Now, I am gonna go get some popcorn
for me and some liver treats for you.
402
00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:25,554
I'll be right back.
403
00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:27,926
[SALEM GRUNTING]
404
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,692
Relax.
405
00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:34,202
Mama says it's okay
to be on the furniture now.
406
00:19:34,373 --> 00:19:35,863
SALEM:
No!
407
00:19:36,041 --> 00:19:38,100
[SALEM SCREAMS]
408
00:19:41,380 --> 00:19:42,404
Oh, good, you're here.
409
00:19:42,581 --> 00:19:45,709
I wanted to let you know that I didn't
apologize at Strum's concert tonight.
410
00:19:45,884 --> 00:19:48,717
He wanted to spank me
with a rolled-up copy of Scorch.
411
00:19:48,887 --> 00:19:50,354
Anyway, to make a long story short...
412
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:52,387
Someone else
would have to be telling it.
413
00:19:52,558 --> 00:19:54,492
Anyway,
I just wanted you to hear it from me.
414
00:19:54,660 --> 00:19:56,491
- Nice going.
- Really? Thanks.
415
00:19:57,429 --> 00:19:59,727
Wait, let me try that again
with a little more sarcasm.
416
00:19:59,898 --> 00:20:00,990
Nice going.
417
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:04,091
Since you're too high and mighty
to take one for the team,
418
00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:06,328
we missed out
on a ton of free publicity.
419
00:20:06,505 --> 00:20:09,099
Now, I have to finish
passing out these memos.
420
00:20:09,274 --> 00:20:11,868
Well, clearly hiring me
was a failed experiment.
421
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:15,377
So tell Jonathan thanks for the chance
and sorry it didn't work out.
422
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:16,907
All right. See you tomorrow.
423
00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:19,312
Wait, I'm fired, right?
424
00:20:19,484 --> 00:20:21,315
I mean,
that was my farewell speech.
425
00:20:21,486 --> 00:20:23,113
And it needs work.
426
00:20:23,755 --> 00:20:26,383
Jonathan hired you.
Only Jonathan can fire you.
427
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:29,356
And frankly, I wouldn't get rid of you
for all the gin in Hyannis Port.
428
00:20:30,662 --> 00:20:34,257
I don't know what you're saying,
but the gin comment explains a lot.
429
00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:36,924
Look, I'm the kind of person
who likes car wrecks,
430
00:20:37,102 --> 00:20:39,070
explosions and reality television.
431
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:42,935
And you are this bizarre
combination of all of those.
432
00:20:43,108 --> 00:20:45,201
I am going to look forward every day
433
00:20:45,377 --> 00:20:47,845
to seeing what kind of disaster
you can create for yourself.
434
00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:52,076
Oh, you have no idea.
I am like an earthquake at Legoland.
435
00:20:52,451 --> 00:20:56,512
There was this one time when l...
Too close, right? Too close.
436
00:21:02,961 --> 00:21:05,828
Oh, quit complaining, you big baby.
It wasn't that bad.
437
00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:09,195
Tell that to the piece of charcoal
that used to be my thyroid.
438
00:21:09,368 --> 00:21:12,166
I know you had a difficult week,
but I hope you learned something.
439
00:21:12,337 --> 00:21:13,395
I did.
440
00:21:13,572 --> 00:21:17,235
How to stay off the couch,
and how to poop in a size eight pump.
441
00:21:17,409 --> 00:21:18,433
What?
442
00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:20,339
ROXIE & MORGAN: Salem!
- Ha. I'm out of here.
443
00:21:20,512 --> 00:21:21,945
[LAUGHS]
444
00:21:23,348 --> 00:21:24,838
Not so fast.
445
00:21:25,017 --> 00:21:27,451
[ELECTRIC BUZZING]
35611
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