All language subtitles for Rob And Romesh Vs s04e03 Restaurants First Course.eng

The following programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

Rom and I are back...

I'm liking this, Rom.

A bit close to the edge there.
I was a bit, wasn't I?

..ready to throw ourselves
into the most weird...

(SCREAMS)
BOOM!Finish!

..and wonderful worlds.

There it is! Wow.

Together...
Easy peasy.

..we're going on a journey
of discovery.

He's in!

(WAILS)

..to find out what we like...
That is white wine.(LAUGHS)

- Oh, my god.
- Right, - when's curtain up?

..and what we don't.

(GROANS)
Oh god, don't make that noise.

Come on, worse in kilometres.

This week,
we're taking on the food industry

by opening our very own restaurant.

Get that partridge on!

Over the next two episodes...
Get that seaweed, lads.

..we'll see what it takes...
Where's me table?

..and what it doesn't...

..to be the best in the business.

I've never seen anything
like this in my life.

(TYRES SCREECH)

Big challenge this time, Rom.
Opening a restaurant.

This is different for us.
Everything's different for us.

We're not learning about it.
We're doing it fully.

Yeah. After having learnt about it.

But this could be our
"get out of comedy" plan.

If this goes well, we could open
a chain of restaurants.

Well, would you describe yourself
as a foodie?

I... I'm trying to lose weight.

If it's not nice enough,
I'm not eating it for calories.

- Exactly.
- If it ain't worth the calories...

I'm getting a bit snobbier, I'd say.

A phrase I've heard you say a lot.

"Not worth the calories."
Not worth it.

So when I was a kid,
I was a massive meat eater.

Really?
Yeah. Yeah.

My nickname
when I was a kid was Mutton King

cos of the amount of mutton curry
I had.

That is one of the worst...
And you know what?

And you know who gave me that
- nickname?Yeah.My mum. - Mutton King?

Luckily I don't cry once a fortnight
about my body issues

and food hang-ups. But, anyway...

Your mum used to call you
Mutton King?

My mum doesn't like it
when your mum's horrible to you about your weight.

No?
She thinks it's horrible.

Does she?
Feels sorry for you, yeah.

Well, you know, it's not like
you haven't got your own issues.

(LAUGHS)
So, Mrs Beckett, hopefully you...

(LAUGHS)

What I'd say is,
"Look a bit closer to home."

(LAUGHS)

"Mr Not Worth the Calories"
catchphrase.

"I think he's got his own
set of issues myself."

"Mr One Bite Throw It Away Straight
in the Bin."

But then goes back and gets it
out the bin and eats it

three hours later.
(CHOrTLES)

Rom and I have just two weeks to set
up our own restaurant.

And what better way to learn
than by seeing how the pros do it?

So we're off to Marlow to eat
like kings

at top chef Tom Kerridge's gaff,

The Hand

The only two Michelin star
pub in the country.

If you're going to open your own
restaurant, you've got to look at the competition.

Give it a few years,
I'm going to take down these places.

You know what I mean?
Two Michelin star... I want four.

So, if you wanna be the best,
you've got to see the rest and then beat the rest.

And that's what we're here to do.

And if you want to beat the best,

they don't come much better
than Tom Kerridge.

With a string of high-end
restaurants to his name,

not to mention numerous books
and TV shows,

Tom's nothing short of
restaurant royalty

and the perfect guide into
the world of fine dining.

Hello, mate.
- Hi, chaps. - Hello.

Nice to see you.
How's it going? You all right?

I'm very well, thank you.
Nice to see you.

Welcome to The Hand

So you know that we're
opening up a restaurant.

I've heard. A new place in town.

Nervous?
Yeah, very, you know.

We're always very conscious
when new restaurants open

that it helps us push our levels
forward

when there's new superstars
opening a place.

- Every dog has its day.
- That's very - true.

That can be its name
- Every Dog Has Its Day.

(LAUGHS)
The thing is, all jokes aside, you know what you're doing,

two Michelin stars, cook books,
you're on the telly.

We wanna learn from the best.
So we're here

to sample what you've got, Tom.
He's vegan.

I don't know if the vegan thing's
- a problem. - Not a problem.

Is it annoying for
- restaurant owners? - Not at all.

Are they allowed in?
- Yeah. 100%. - You mean Asians?

Well, yeah, that's
a double-barrelled question.

So you're going to sit at the bar.
Oh, so I really AM not allowed in?

(ROB AND TOM LAUGH)

I'll be in the dining room.
See you later, Rom.

Sadly, we're fully booked in there,

so there is actually
no room for you both.

No, no, sadly, yeah, sadly.
If you want,

your toilet's just through that
door outside, by the shed.

(LAUGHS)

So you're going to sit by the bar.
Fro is going to look after you.

- Oh, brilliant.
- Gonna make sure that you have the time of your lives,

you'll have an amazing lunch,
cocktails...

Ooh.
Oh, great.

You just ask Fro and he'll match it
to whatever food comes your way.

You're going to have a mushroom
- wellington. - OK, lovely.

And you're going to have steak
- and chips.Ooh. - It's that simple.

OK, great.
With hollandaise sauce.

- Nice.
- Take your seats, I'll leave you in the hands of Fro and Seb.

OK.
Brilliant. Cheers.

Thanks, mate.
- No worries. - Thank you. Thanks, mate.

Ooh.

Can we get a beer AND a cocktail?

Course. Something tropical.

- Ooh.
- We'll go for a Pirates of the Caribbean?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that sounds good.

This is quite nice.

It's a nice little date night
with me and Romesh.

My work husband.

- Oh, cheers, mate.
- No worries. These are your Pirates of the Caribbean.

Thank you very much.
Lovely.

Is it called Pirates of
the Caribbean

cos after one, you're as fucked as
Johnny Depp?(LAUGHS)

I'm getting a bit nervous now about
doing the restaurant

cos I think it's way bigger than
just being able to cook.

Sure, and we can't even do that.
No. It's a huge operation.

This is obviously like high-end.
Yeah.

We've not got that in our locker.
So you're sort of thinking...

What about high-end price,
middle...mid-level quality?

- Sure.
- Get in, get out, grand a head.

Yeah. It tastes like shit,
but we'll do that at the table.

Yeah. Salt down your back and off
your arse onto the seat.

Oh, so you just do it down my back.
And the finale, you lick my back.

And then do a shot of tequila.

And then I squeeze lime
- in your eye. - Yeah.

The good one.
(LAUGHTER)

Oh, wow, look. Oh, wow.
- Wow! - Oh, mate.

How is it? Is it good?
Amazing.

I think it might be the best thing
I've ever eaten, Rom.

Oh, my god.

Is it good?
- That is unbelievable. - Ridiculous.

When you watch cooking programmes

and they try the thing and they
always go, "Ooh! Mmm!",

you always think, "Oh, piss off!"

That is genuine how
I felt about what I ate today.

It might be the best thing
I've ever eaten in my life.

We're going to have to aim
at a different...

This is just too high-end.

I think it'll be be
a deeply aggressive move

to do a restaurant serving steak
and mushroom wellington.

What, a week after we've seen it?

Just go toe-to-toeYeah. Come down
for a bit of dinner, Tom.

Um, I don't think you've seen
any inspiration from our dishes.

Here's our cocktail.
Pirates of the Bahamas.

(LAUGHS)

It's unbelievable.
Two Michelin star.

I mean, you can't get better
than that.

Well, you can, three stars, but
let's not get bogged down by that.

However, it has made me realise
we're rubbish,

so I think we're going to have to
penetrate the TGI Friday,

Frankie
Get 'em in, get 'em out.

How was that, chaps?
- Oh, mate. - Was it all right?

That was... It was one of the best
things I've ever eaten.

Good start.
It was unbelievable.

Everything that you made was
the best I've ever had of that.

What we try to do is do the simple
things really, really well.

Why are you so humble?
If I cooked like that, I'd be swaggering around like...

Literally, I would've walked over,
cocks on the bar.

If it was me, I'd walk over, naked,

slap both of us, and go,
"Yeah, good, wasn't it?"

And left. It's unbeliev...

I did that once,
and we got shut down.

(LAUGHS)
Lost a Michelin star.

That was The Hand
originally, wasn't it?

Exactly.
That was genuinely... Unbelievable.

- Unbelievable.
- Good.

Our Michelin star experience
wasn't over just yet, though.

Ooh, yes, lads!
Look at you two! (LAUGHS)

Tom invited us to join him
and his chefs in the kitchen,

so we could see first-hand
how our amazing meals were made.

Right, let's go. Separate the eggs.

And to make it
a bit more interesting,

he challenged Rob and I to whip up
his signature hollandaise sauce to accompany them.

Am I putting this in there?
I don't know what with.

Do you want to let Tom know
we're done?

I thought this was supposed to be
a two-person job.

It will be
when those egg yolks are cooked.

So this is the bit
that's quite critical.

- One pour, one whisk.
- Right. You just gently drizzle.

Gently drizzle it into me.
OK.

That's it. Catch up, Rob.

Fucking hell. That's all
- that's got to go in? - Yeah.

Fucking hell. (LAUGHS)

I'm having to pour it as well, mate.
It's knackering for me.

Get it in there. Get it in there.

Get that... Fill her up. Fill her
up, fill her up. I've got this.

(GRUNTS)
Don't make that noise.

Don't make that noise,
don't make that noise.

Oh, God!

There is no, um...

There is no getting round the fact
that I have seen Rob's orgasm face.

That's now Lou, me
and two other girls

Rob has slept with before
that have now seen that face.

And his laptop camera.

(PANTING)

Add more, add more.
Oh my god, take your glasses off.

You look like a fucking secretary.
(LAUGHS)

When are you going to leave her?
Think we've got something.

You can't just come over here
for a Christmas party!

With the dirty work over, all that
was left to do was plate up...

Where's that fucking steak?

..and see if our handiwork was good
enough for the boss man.

You happy with that?
Is that all right?

I'm very happy with that.
It took a long time to make.

You did mug us off a bit
with that hollandaise.

We needed it for tonight.
So you're going to use that later?

Yeah, we'll use that later.

The guests will have
hollandaise sauce

made by you two.

When they watch it,
they'll be sick and complain.

They will,
but by then it'll be way too late.

They'll all be pregnant.
(LAUGHS)

Whoo!

How did you find that?
Hard work.

We're in trouble.
I think we are in trouble.

It involves a lot of prep,
there's a lot of organisation.

I thought it was going to be
difficult before.

Now I think it's going to be
impossible, so...

We've got to sort something out.

We need do what we're good at
rather than learning anything new.

Let's focus on things
we already know

and try and make them really good.
Yes.

Um, I'm now in the unenviable
position of seeing...

having witnessed you put more
effort into a wristy than my wife.

(EXHALES)

I'm going to tap out of this.
(LAUGHS)

(CHORTLES)

This week, Rom and I are dipping
our toes into the food industry

by opening our very own restaurant,

with superstar chef Tom Kerridge
acting as our guide.

Ooh, yes, lads.
Look at you two! (LAUGHS)

Tom had arranged a research mission

to find out first-hand what
it takes to run a restaurant.

We'd be starting front of house with
maitre D' and bartender training.

Next, we'll be shown how to source
the freshest ingredients

on a foraging experience.

And lastly, we'd learn how to cook
in a real restaurant

as we become chefs for the day.

First, though,
Tom had sent us to his London venue,

Kerridge's Bar and Grill,
so his restaurant director, Matt,

could give us the inside track
on how to keep the punters happy.

Oh, my goodness.
It's Royal Variety's Rob Beckett.

There you go.

(VT) Hopefully today
we can get loads of tips and tricks

to deal with customers,
cos customers are pricks and you have to pretend they're right.

So ultimately I don't really care
what people want to eat or drink.

But hopefully I can learn here
how to look like I care.

- Hello.
- Hiya. Hi, good morning, welcome. I'm Matt.

How's it going?

- Pleased to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. Excited to be here.

We're excited to have you.

You're opening your own place,
- right?Yeah. - Exactly.

We don't really know what's involved
in terms of greeting customers,

making them feel welcome.

That level of service that makes
people feel like they're having a great time,

I think you've got to think of it
as your home, right?

Welcoming people into your home,
making them feel welc...

He doesn't like visitors.
(LAUGHS)

Maybe someone's calling you at home.
Oh, OK.

You'd be nice on the phone to them?
Yes, I guess so,

if I could guarantee they wouldn't
- come around afterwards. - OK.

And then problem customers
and stuff, you can help us out

with that kind of thing as well.
We can help you with all of that,

if you want to come with me.
OK. Great.

I like him. He's nice.

(SWING JAZZ)

Right, so do a bit of
role play with you gentlemen.

Put a couple of scenarios together

that might happen in your
- restaurant. - OK.

So the first one we were thinking
is,

Romesh, you're going to be a...
be a returning customer,

someone that comes in a bit,
but you've got a reservation,

you're adamant you've got it,
but you don't have a booking.

It was for a different day
and you're fully booked,

and you're going to be
the maitre d' on the night.

And he's, um... You're a Geordie.

- Why?
- Cos that's what you are in this scenario.

All right, I'll be Geordie.

Good evening, Gavin.
(ACCENT) Oh, good evening.

I've got a reservation for tonight.
Um, let me just check.

Hello again. How are you?

Yeah, not too bad. How's the wife?
Uh, dead.(LAUGHS)

You should know that.
I'm a returning customer.

Yeah, sorry about that,
I didn't have that down in my notes.

No. Where's my reservation?

Let me check. Um... Uh,
we haven't got a booking for you.

You've booked tomorrow night
at eight o'clock, Sunday night.

I don't think I have.
I'm sorry about that.

No, because this is
the anniversary of her death.

So I booked it for tonight.

I've got it down here
for tomorrow night.

Ten years ago today...
Yeah, just...

..is when it happened.
That's how I know it's tonight.

(RAISED VOICE) Where's me table?

(TITTERS) So I've got, I've got...
(SHOUTS) Where's me table?

(LAUGHS)
I just want to sit where me and Sarah used to sit and eat.

Calm down, Gavin. What you've done
here, you've booked it for tomorrow.

- I've not!
- I've got it written down here as Gavin, the wake, the sequel.

And actually it's Sunday
because it is a year ago,

but, uh, over a year,
the day changes.

So actually tomorrow night is
the actual anniversary of the wake.

You know what? What a prick.
Yeah.

I suggest maybe just, you know,
pop home, have a sort of,

something to eat on your own,
and I'll see you tomorrow?

Yeah, OK. Thank you very much.
Cheers, Gavin.

What the fuck you looking at?
(LAUGHS)

Can I just say, that accent.
I couldn't concentrate.

That felt like an audition.
I'll be honest with you, I gave him an outlet

because... Yeah, no, that was...

Really, if you think the booking's
that night, what would you do?

You're alone, why not eat up at the
- bar?Yeah. - Oh, OK.

Put him at the bar,
make him feel special,

especially since it's a sad
occasion.

Or maybe find another table and go,
look, I've got a a widow here.

Can I slide him on?(LAUGHS)
I wouldn't have said that, no.

You're all together, happy.

So don't put it
on the other customers.

It's his own grief to deal with.
You don't want to drop a lonely man

at another table!
I walk around with you a lot.

OK, the next scenario is,
Rob, you've got a table.

You're on this little table of two.

You've just got to tell the manager

you've got three people joining you,
and whether we can accommodate them.

Which, physically,
- we can't at the moment. - OK..

So physically can't get these people
in. He wants to bring four of his dickhead mates.

Fine.
(LONDON ACCENT) Hello, mate,

I've got a table booked for two
people at eight o'clock,

but there's three of us now,
so there's going to be four.

So is that all right,
a table for four?

We'd love to accommodate you, sir,

but unfortunately there's just not
the physical space for you.

I can't get another couple
of chairs round it?

We don't have an... We don't have
another couple of chairs, so...

You got no chairs?
Well, we have chairs, but -

No, no, but it's quite a big
event, see.

It's my mate Gavin.
Five's not massive.

My mate Gavin's down from Newcastle.
He's a returning customer actually.

You know Gavin?
I do, yeah.

OK. Well, stick him at
the bar, he's fucking (GROANS)

and us three will sit here.

Yeah, OK, that sounds all right!
(LAUGHS)

Sounds like a solution, yeah.
Yeah, all right.

I think you handled it
really well at the start, you know,

we didn't have the space, um...

So I handled that very well.

Nicely recognised Gavin as well,
regular guest.

At what point,, like just, like

if they start being pushy,
at what point do you go,

"Look, mate, don't be funny,
fuck off"?(LAUGHS)

The last one's going to be,
Romesh, you're here with your kids.

And your wife.
Unlikely. Yeah.

They're being unruly maybe.
Likely.

They're quite loud.
playing on devices and... Sure.

..other customers have mentioned
something and...

Good afternoon, everyone.
How's your dinner?

Really good, thank you. Yeah.

Is it possible
if we could get the children

to put some headphones on or turn
the volume down on the devices?

It's just disturbing a couple of the
other guests. Is that possible?

Um... I mean, it's possible, yeah,

but I can't make the children
silent.

They're children, aren't they?

But you can make a device silent.
You can literally silence it.

Well, the thing is, either the
devices are loud or THEY'RE loud.

What I've done is, as a parent,
both of us,

have ascertained this is the best
way to keep them as quiet as possible.

And now you're coming over here
and you're telling me how to parent my children.

Now, I don't mind how
you run your restaurant.

What you don't do is run my family,
OK?

So why don't you toddle off and go
and stick to things you know about

instead of coming over to two
people and telling them

how to look after their children.
Cos you don't tell me

how to look after my kids.
Do you understand?

I look after my children, all right?

I don't need a jumped-up little
prick coming over here

and telling me
how I keep my children quiet.

I'll raise my volume if I want.

Here you go, I'm a device
and I'm LOUD now.

Is this what you wanted when
you came over here and told me

how to parent my children?
You piece of shit!

Huh? You're a joke.
This establishment's a joke.

- Yeah.
- Why are you still here?

(ENRAGED) Why are you still here?

OK, so...
(SCREAMS)

(WAILS)

He's assaulting me! WAAARGH!

Please, can I...
WAAARGH!

Actually I think it's fine.
WAAARGH!

It's just got a bit...
Thank you.(HOWLS OF LAUGHTER)

Now what were we saying?
(LAUGHING)

So, Matt,
how did you think that went?

Felt amazing.
I hope that never happens to me.

(LAUGHTER)

So the whole maitre D' thing
might not be for us,

but thankfully Matt wasn't ready
to give up on us just yet.

With the help of head barman Ollie,

we were now going to see what it
was like to work behind the bar.

So I'm going to teach you
a couple of cocktails.

Espresso martini.
Lovely. My favourite.

And then we've got
a blackberry Collins.

My second favourite.

The sting in the tail, though, is
that after a short demonstration...

Oh, yes, Ollie.
Oh, my god, hammering away.

..Rob and I were not only expected
to recreate those ridiculously complicated cocktails ourselves,

but serve them too, alongside a
trayful of drinks to a waiting Matt.

OK, so, two pints of lager,
two glasses of champagne

and one of each cocktail.
I'll be in my seat, right?

Right. Two blackberry bastards and,
uh, two espresso martinis, yeah?

Remember what I said about
- showmanship as well. - Oh, yeah. So...

Whooo!

Busy out there?
Where's the sugar syrup?

Are you going to measure it?
Measuring it by eye. Using the good one.

(LAUGHS)
He's a laugh. Oh, heads up.

Ram it on, so it doesn't leak.

Oh, here it goes.
Look at that.

Have a think about opening
that champagne now, maybe,

or getting that pint.
He's got a lot to say!

Where's the coffee?
Fuck it. It's so slippery.

You need to be quicker than this.
There we go.

Oh, watch... Jesus Christ.

You fucking dick.

That's what I would use.

That is not even doing it
on purpose.

That was... I was literally...
Got to be quicker than this, guys.

Shut up.
(CORK POPS)

Hey.

OK. Don't forget your coasters.
Where the fuck are they?(CHUCKLES)

That's a better way.

Romesh is first out of the blocks

with the most disgusting drinks
I've ever seen.

Look at that.
I didn't even scoop it up.

Fuck off.
Um...

Are you winding me up, Rom?

This needs to be... This is
a priority now, isn't it?

- Fuck!
- Do you know what? That's taken the heat off me being slow, hasn't it?

(LAUGHS)
So, Matt, what I'm going to do here is...

- There you go.
- I'm going to leave the drinks on the bar,

then come round and get them.
Very nice.

It's a bit messy.
Oh, you're a mucky pup.(LAUGHS)

That's very messy, isn't it?

Excuse me, please, Romesh,
I'm trying to... Sorry, mate.

Thanks.
Nice and careful now, Rob.

OK, there we go.

And if something looks like it's
going to fall, let it fall.

Rather than dropping the whole tray.

Feels like my arm's very near me.
So walk with confidence.

Try not to look at...
Oops!

Sorry, mate.
Oh, sh... I'm so sorry.

That was on purpose.
I'm so sorry.

You've still got four drinks.

- I'm so sorry.
- Excuse me, Romesh. - Thank you.

(GLASS CRUNCHES)

(WHEZZING WITH LAUGHTER)

(STIFLING LAUGHS)

Anything else I can get you, sir?

I've never seen anything like this
- in my life. - That good?

(ALL SNORT WITH LAUGHTER)

Thanks for coming by.

I hope you've picked up a few things
for your own restaurant.

Coming by and clients never return?
Yeah, I mean...

You were starting to get the hang of
things talking to people,

but the drink service was poor.
Bad, wasn't it?

That wasn'the... That's probably
the worst we've been at all of it.

No. Stay away from the drinks,
- focus on the food. - Yeah.

Maybe better suited in the kitchen.
We'll stay in the kitchen.

- Thank you.
- Nnice to meet you boys. And you.

See you later.
See you soon.

I'll bring my kids.
Please do.

Cheers, Matt.
- All the best. - Cheers, Matt. Bye.

Cheers.

Absolute nightmare.
Absolute nightmare.

This week, Rob and I are opening
our very own restaurant.

But after the disaster that
was our attempt of front of house,

we'd come to the conclusion
that our talents might be better suited to the kitchen.

It's in the best interests of the
restaurant

that neither Rob nor I have no
interaction with customers.

So next on our research mission is
a foraging trip to the south coast

to help inspire our future menu.

Because all the best restaurants
are now heading into the wild

to forage for the freshest
of ingredients.

We're here in Swanage foraging

because our new restaurant is going
to have some crazy, wacky dishes

to be different
and Michelin starred.

Our guide into this brave new world
is the owner of foraging school Fore Adventure,

a man called Dan.

How's it going, all right?

- Foraging.
- Indeed. Yeah. Have you done any before, boys?

Uh... Hm...No.
No, I don't think so.

Not for vegetables.
Not for vegetables.

Well, first thing...
What did you forage for, then?

Bit of this and that.
(LAUGHS)

What is foraging, mate?(LAUGHS)
Basically...

Foraging...,
We're going to get some food

and it's free... OK.
Then we're going to look around.

To be qualified to forage,
you'll need one of these.

OK.If you haven't got a basket,
don't look like a forager, do you?

What things are we going to be
- foraging? - Basically green stuff, Romesh.

Right up your street, as a vegan.

I know what you're saying, mate.
- Green stuff. - Yeah, yeah.

- The good stuff.
- Yeah, yeah. What if there WAS a dead pig?

If there was a dead pig...
Does that count as foraging?

It all depends on what
type of forager you are, really.

I know people
who like a bit of roadkill.

What if I of walked into a farmer's
field and foraged a sheep

and just took it?
That's called rustling,

which is a criminal offence, so...
Is it? OK. OK.

It might be quite good
- for the cameras. - Yeah.

I don't know
what we're going to find.

That's the beauty of foraging.
We could find gold.

I don't think that...
Cos you might stumble across it,

as well as food.

Ideally I'd quite like to find...
I'm a little bit hungover,

so I'd quite like to find
a Lucozade and a Snickers.

Which might actually be
more realistic than gold,

aince Dan's first foraging
destination appeared to be the car park.

Oh, my god.
Go on, boys, get in there.

Hang on, now this really
feels like where my dog would piss.

I knew that we were going to be
foraging, but this is less glamorous than I thought.

The dog piss thing is
a real thing.

It's called the dog piss
- rule of foraging. - Oh, bollocks.

A dog might have pissed on it.

A dog might have pissed on it.
What would you use that in, then?

So I would probably use that
maybe in a salsa verde...

Something quite tangy.
Something with a bit of zing

because it... You want it to be
- nice. - Yeah, absolutely.

It's not like... This is for
the restaurant, needs to be nice.

It's got to bring it, hasn't it?

What's your favourite... What's
your favourite thing to forage?

Seaweed. All day long.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some high-grade seaweed.
That's what I mean.

- High grade?
- High-grade shit. Yeah, absolutely.

You know what I'm talking about.
Course we do.

Do you want me to go home?
But you're included in it.

You two keep doing things
I don't understand. Yeah, yeah. He knows.

(LAUGHS)

I feel like a parent that's walked -
Do you want to try it?

Just try it.
Yeah...

(LAUGHS)
Yeah.

All right, what's next?

Next turned out to be the beach,

where Dan's high-grade seaweed
was supposedly waiting for us.

This is delicious.

So this is Ulva lactuca,
or sea lettuce.

Yeah.
Absolutely gorgeous.

So we would use that in salads,
it's absolutely fantastic in slaw.

It's proper good. What I would
suggest that we do,

cos it's a bit sandy
and a bit tired and a bit old,

I reckon we should go out there
and we should get the good stuff.

We have to go in the water
and get it?

Yeah, we need to go in the water
to get it.

That's easier than just
rinsing that off?

It's much easier.
We're talking serious tastes here.

How good does this taste?
Oh, it's off the hook!

Cos it's ON the hook,
I'm going to be furious.

Yes, it appears if you want
the really, really good stuff...

I'm regretting the white
long johns. I'm fucking Victorian!

..you have to venture further afield
than the bushes in the car park.

So you see that big stack?
This is Old Harry.

We're properly getting on the
seaweed now, boys. I'm so excited.

Is this hardcore stuff?
This is hardcore.

This is the good stuff.
This is where that high grade is we're talking about. Yeah?

The only drawback being you have to
row towards the razor-sharp rocks.

Dan, I'm in the rocks!
Dan, you fucking lunatic!

Keep coming with me, boys. Paddle.

- Look, Dan.
- Yes? What the fuck?

Romesh, paddle to me. Good.
Dan, you twat.

Romesh, you're doing great!
Dan.

Dan, you fucking prick.

What are you doing?
I know. You best keep paddling.

What the fuck is this, Dan?
Where are we going? There's a wave.

Seaweed!

Dan, what are you doing?
You should really get the seaweed.

Dan, I don't give a shit.
Dan? Dan.

Give us it.
Try a bit of this, mate.

This is the good shit.
I'm telling you.

Mad flavours here. Honestly.
That is actually nice.

It's quite good. Quite good.

It's like truffle.
Tastes like truffle.

Mm. Off the scale, isn't it?
- Can I have another bit? - Yeah.

Can we go back?
You shitting me?

You two give me loads of grief
and now I take you to the good seaweed.

Was it worth risking your life for?

Tastes almost as good as what
you could buy in the shop.(LAUGHS)

So where are we going now?
Ah, follow me. Tally-ho.

- Oh, God.
- Argh! Shit. Get off there!

I'm on the fucking rock!
Right, paddle forward now, mate.

Fuck. Fuck. (LAUGHS)

Sorry. He's in!

Rob, you all right?
(LAUGHS)

I'm so sorry. Rob, I'm so...
I got attacked.

I'm so sorry. I'm so...
You go one, two, three.

The sea's a cruel mistress.
(PANTING)

That was really da...
That's the most dangerous thing we've ever done.

And frankly, things didn't look much
better as we went to shore either.

He's in again!

OK, Rom. Now what we...

Go on, Rom!
(LAUGHTER)

Uh! Well done, Romesh.
Ah. Thank god.

How could it
be delicious enough for this?

How can it be tasty enough for this?
- Romesh. - It can't be.

Romesh, this is off...
It cannot be.

This is off the hook.
This drysuit does nothing.

Romesh. Listen to yourself.

I didn't get...
- Is it a drysuit? - Yeah.

Just had a piss.
Are you joking?

I thought it felt all weird.

It's completely waterproof
from the inside.

Have you got a puddle in your feet?
(LAUGHS)

What have I done, then?

You've just trapped yourself
in your own piss!

Fucking hell, I can smell it.
All in the bag Beckett.

- Have you really?
- Yeah. Now, Romesh.

I feel wet.
Do YOU feel wet?

No, because I didn't piss inside
my drysuit.

Are you dry in there?
Yes, it's a drysuit. If you...

Are you dry in yours?
Yeah.

- Why am I wet?
- Because you've pissed inside your drysuit!

- Fucking hell.
- It's now keeping the outside dry from your piss.

Dan is an exceptional human being.

And I liked him very much.

And he really went above and beyond

to give us
a proper foraging experience.

And that will be the last time
I ever do it in my life.

Get that seaweed, lads.
Get the spaghetti.

(GROANS)
Come on, Rom.

My fucking knees.
(GAGS)

I'm getting bashed
against the rocks.

You all right, Rob?
Yeah, it's lovely.

Someone's going to have to come and
forage for my body in about a week.

How can you go out to the rocks,
find that thing, eat it

and think I want to get back
on a kayak and come back out here and try this again?

I'd just live without it.

Get your feet underneath, yeah?
I'm trying. I'm on the fucking sea.

Everything's different levels.
And there's a wave.

There are things that are hard
to get hold of on the internet,

let alone having to get on a boat
and get them.

So this has escalated beyond what
I'm comfortable with, if I'm being honest with you.

The floor keeps moving.
Romesh...

Don't let the rocks... Wait.
(WHIMPERS)

Rob, keep your face above water!
Why are you underneath me?

Why are you on me?
Why are you on me?

Aw, fucking hell.
(LAUGHS)

About three years ago,
our second son was really ill.

- Yeah.
- And I took him to the - doctor's, just for a check-up.

And, um, we ended up having to rush
him to hospital

cos his oxygen levels were low.
Yeah?

We actually had to put him
straight into emergency care

and I had to call Lisa in -
and that was better than today.

Right then, boys. Right,
paddle towards the big rock here.

Yeah, of course we do.
That's Dan's method, isn't it?

Paddle towards the big rock.

Mate, I tell you, that seaweed is
going to taste so delicious now.

Fun day, right?
Do you know what? I love Dan.

Me too.
- I love sea foraging. - Mm...

But it's impossible to get
enough stuff to feed 500 people.

What happens midway through service

and you run out of seaweed
spaghetti?

You got to pop out into the kayak
again? No, thanks.

Just say,
"I'll just pop down to Swanage. Quick three hours in the car."

Phone up Dan. "Dan, I need some
more of that high grade!"

We'll have to get him a blacked-out
Mercedes delivering high grade.

(LAUGHS)

The long and the short of it is,
we're not foraging.

No, we cannot do it
for the restaurant.

We're trying to run before we can
walk. It's ridiculous.

Oh, God.
What?

It's going to be bad, isn't it?

It's going to be a really bad
restaurant. (LAUGHS)

This week, Rob and I are trying
to open our own restaurant.

But it was proving to be a lot
tougher than we thought.

How can it be tasty enough for this?

- Romesh.
- It can't be!

And now it's our hardest challenge
yet.

It was finally time to step into
the kitchen,

don our aprons and chef up.

For the end of our research mission,

Tom had arranged for us to visit
Copper

one of London's hottest restaurants

And owned by MasterChef finalist
Tony Parks and his partner Becky,

who had both bravely agreed
to unleash us on their customers.

Welcome to Copper

We've got a 34-cover lunch today,

so you are cooking for quite
a few people, so, uh...

I've only done a 32-cover before,
so... OK.

It's two more people, it's fine.
Does covers mean people?

Essentially, yes, it does.
OK.

Are you ready to see what you're
- going to cook?Yes. - Yes, please.

Fantastic. Right, Rob,
today we're cooking that.

- Ooh. A little pie.
- Yeah. What are you laughing at?

You've got to do a pie.

So, a game pie with partridge
breast,

parsnip puree on the bottom,
we've got some Brussels sprouts,

chestnuts, parsnip crisps

And then a little partridge jus
- to go on the top. - Nice.

Right, Romesh, sea bass.
Oh.

So we've got sea bass, we've got
a spring onion champ underneath,

you've got clams
with a clam mariniere sauce,

and pickled cucumbers.
That looks a lot easier than mine.

There's challenges in both of yours
is the honest truth.

I've got to take
a breast off a partridge,

make up a sauce, do a pie.

He's got to cut a bit of,
what's that again? Cucumber?

Yeah, bit of cucumber.
Spring onion.

You got pickled cucumber.

I've got to julienne the spring
- onion. - He's got the lingo!

I've got to julienne
the spring onion. He's got a bit of fish on a soup.

(LAUGHS)

Shall we go down to the kitchen?
- Good luck.Let's go. - Let's go.

Let's go, Rom.

With help from Tony
and his head chef Rob,

we only had two hours to learn
how to prep, cook and serve our two dishes

before the restaurant doors opened
and the customers came flooding in.

I'm a bit nervous
cos it's a proper kitchen,

It's not like one of them street
food stalls that have got a building.

This is like MasterChef stuff,
isn't it?

We're going to start breaking down
these partridge.

You take your knife and we're
going to go in that crease,

the armpit, so to speak.

Turn it over and push and you'll
feel the bone in here separate.

I think the the challenge
would've been daunting enough

if we were just cooking for a load
of people in the restaurant.

Add to that the fact that
I'm doing a fish dish.

I've never cooked fish before
in my life, ever.

And I've got to do it for
potentially 34 people.

An old sous-chef of mine said
long, deep strokes.

That's an intense training method.
My dad said that to me once as well. On my wedding night.

Long, big strokes.

In Romesh's defence,
I've got respect for him

because he's a vegan and he's been
told to fillet a fish.

So he's properly going for it,
which I respect.

However, I wouldn't say
he's a natural.

If I was him, I wouldn't jack it
all in to be a fishmonger.

I can't believe how difficult
this is.

You're used to dealing with a tiny
little prick, so...

Yeah, I've worked with you
for, what, four series?(LAUGHS)

With the clock ticking down
to service,

Rob and I had to master every single
element of our complicated dishes...

This is hard.
That's really nice.

..if we had any hope of getting
something edible out on a plate.

Oh, God.

And for once,
even Rob was starting to think

we might have bitten off
more than we could chew.

I'm very worried.

I don't want to ruin...
It's their business, isn't it?

Four clams a portion
into a nice hot pan.

They go with the white wine.

Is that white wine?
That is white wine.

(LAUGHS)

Cos we never done it before,
it has a direct impact on the people's life.

So this could have a detrimental
impact on a lovely couple

that run a restaurant.

But they could lose it all
because of me and Romesh.

So how do you both feel?
Are you confident?

I wouldn't want to eat
- the first one I make. - OK.

But I think after a couple,
I'll get into it.

I reckon the 34th person's going
to have a great bit of sea bass.

Hello, welcome, how are you?
Nice to see you. Did you have a reservation?

So this was it.

Two hours of lunchtime rush
awaited us,

with real customers placing real
orders

that Rob and I would be responsible
for.

We watched the professionals nail it
and now the question was, could we?

Right, check on, guys. We've got
one mushrooms, one scallops.

Main course, one sea bass,
one partridge.

- Yes, chef.
- Yes, chef.

But what Tony and Rob's
demonstration hadn't prepared us for...

Two scallops, two mushrooms.
Main course, two pie, two sea bass.

..was the sheer volume of orders
now flying in.

Main course, pie, sea bass.
Two sea bass, two sea bass.

Two sea bass, one pie.
Four sea bass.

- Fuck off, Tony.
- That's got to be a wind-up, isn't it?

Tony, are you winding me up?
(HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER) Damn it!

Where's the waiting staff?
Get that partridge sold!

I don't wanna see any more
sea bass coming out of this kitchen.

(LAUGHS)

I will hear the words "Two sea bass"

in my nightmares for the next six
months. It's horrible.

Is that pan nice and hot?
Who gives a shit, mate? It's four people.

This was way above anything
I've done, stress-wise.

Get some white wine in there.
Some white wine in, then. (LAUGHS)

Bear in mind, I've taught fractions
to year nine on Friday, lesson five.

Here we go...
Check on two scallops, two sea bass.

This is an absolute piss-take,
by the way.

I've never cooked fish before
in my life.

Literally the first time
I've ever touched a fish. Ever.

With the service now well underway,
I was having a great time.

OK, remains away seven as well,
so that is two more sea bass

and one more partridge.

Rom, on the other hand, was not...

You're a busy boy today,
aren't you, Romesh?

Yeah. Cos the waiting staff
can't stop pushing the sea bass.

..because the public had spoken
and they wanted sea bass.

Check on one mushrooms, one
scallops. Main course, two sea bass.

Yes, chef.

The noise of the ticket machine is
just anxiety-inducing.

Also let's add the fact that
the sea bass was a lot more popular

than the partridge, or whatever
it was that Rob was making.

And all those orders were
starting to take their toll.

Fuck!
Oh, shit.

And as any good chef knows,
in the kitchen,

only teamwork makes the dream
work...

You ready, Rob?
Yeah, mate. I'm plating up.

- Shit.
- Said one minute, 45. You said one minute, 45.

I know, I know, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, chef. Sorry, chef.

..especially when it comes to
serving up the orders.

Rom, how far away are you again,
mate? I've been plating up...

I've got some clams unopened.
About a minute and a half. Fucking hell.

Is it stressful for you?

Because I've had to do 90 seabass,
you've had to do three partridges.

My main frustration
was Romesh's timekeeping.

A minute and a half is what
he said about anything, really.

Fish ready?
A minute and a half.

When can we plate up?
Minute and a half.

How long until I climax?
Minute and a half.

That's his go-to time.

Right, so, gentleman, how long
on two sea bass and two partridge?

I'm ready to go on partridge.
We're waiting on fish.

How long on the fish piece, Romesh?

Uh... A minute and a half.

Minute and a half.
Always a minute and a half!

Right.
Forever a minute and a half!

Surprise, surprise, Tony,
it's a minute and a half.

All that pain was starting
to pay off, though.

The customers were happy...

You can do this, gents.

Tony was happy...
Well done, chaps.

And Rom and I were finally
working as a team.

We are away on our last table.

They're coming up
at the same time,

they've listened,
they've communicated.

They've done really well.

So with the end in sight,
it looks like at long last

we found something
we're actually good at.

- Away.
- Away. Yes, Rob! Well done. Well done.

Really well done.
The food went out looking good.

Considering you've not done this
before,

Having put you through lunch service
by the end of it,

and yeah, I'm really happy.

Seeing the dishes come up,
I was actually really impressed with your plating.

It looked good. I wasn't
nervous about giving the dishes to the guests, so...

- Good.
- Well done there. Thank you.

I'll put that down as a successful
- day. - I think you can. Well done.

- Cheers, guys. Thanks.
- Nice to have wine out of a glass, isn't it?

It's lovely.
Tough I've got to be honest,

I don't mind it out of this.

(BECKY LAUGHS)

From the trials of front of house...
Where's me table?

..to the terror of foraging
at sea...

- Argh!
- Come on, Rom.

..over the last week, Rom and I have
failed at pretty much everything...

(SCREAMS)

..until today...

Yes, Rob!

..when it became clear the kitchen
is where we belong.

- Cheers.
- Well done. Legend.

You know what?
I think we did well.

Yes, we had supervision.

However, me and Romesh
are quite good at cooking.

So as well as managing
our new restaurant,

we decided to step up to
the hotplate too

and become the chefs
we were clearly born to be.

Oh, my god!.

(LAUGHS)
There's so many tickets!

How are we already behind?

(AMUSED CRY)

This is the opening night
of a restaurant

and every single person
here is starving.

Just keep cooking, mate.
Fucking hell.(LAUGHS)

God, this is so awful!

AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk

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