Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,541 --> 00:00:05,943
Hello?
2
00:00:06,076 --> 00:00:08,077
Rise and shine, Clementine.
3
00:00:08,147 --> 00:00:10,218
It's the beginning of
your birthday week!
4
00:00:10,246 --> 00:00:12,579
Yeah, I know. Who cares?
5
00:00:12,649 --> 00:00:13,917
It's just another week.
6
00:00:14,051 --> 00:00:16,387
This is the first year since 9th grade
7
00:00:16,519 --> 00:00:18,789
that you and I haven't spent
my birthday together.
8
00:00:18,923 --> 00:00:20,792
That means no birthday breakfast,
9
00:00:20,925 --> 00:00:22,560
no birthday second breakfast,
10
00:00:22,693 --> 00:00:24,327
no birthday "Humpty Dance."
11
00:00:24,461 --> 00:00:25,696
Think again.
12
00:00:25,830 --> 00:00:27,731
- Oh, my God!
- Aah!
13
00:00:27,864 --> 00:00:29,966
Sharon, what are you doing here?
14
00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:31,769
Did you come here all by yourself?
15
00:00:31,902 --> 00:00:34,472
Well, I was partly involved.
Happy to do it.
16
00:00:34,604 --> 00:00:35,739
You know, someone had to
get her from the airport.
17
00:00:35,874 --> 00:00:37,106
Morning rush hour on a Thursday,
18
00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:38,375
which a lot of people don't realize
19
00:00:38,509 --> 00:00:40,610
is actually busier than a Monday.
20
00:00:40,744 --> 00:00:42,612
I can't believe you're in on this.
21
00:00:42,746 --> 00:00:44,535
Well, your kids wanted to help,
but they were busy, so...
22
00:00:44,636 --> 00:00:45,817
Oh, well.
23
00:00:45,950 --> 00:00:49,987
- Sharon!
- My babies! Oh! Mwah!
24
00:00:50,121 --> 00:00:51,556
What happened to being busy?
25
00:00:51,688 --> 00:00:53,124
Oh, actually, we lied about that.
26
00:00:53,258 --> 00:00:54,959
We just don't do airport runs.
27
00:00:55,091 --> 00:00:56,594
I mean, come on, Danny.
I don't have a man or a job.
28
00:00:56,726 --> 00:00:57,994
What was I doing?
29
00:00:58,128 --> 00:01:01,131
- This is the best gift ever!
- Aww.
30
00:01:01,265 --> 00:01:04,402
Danny, I don't know if you know
this about my Jean yet,
31
00:01:04,534 --> 00:01:06,938
but she loves her birthday.
32
00:01:07,070 --> 00:01:09,807
Yeah. But you don't have to
get me anything.
33
00:01:09,941 --> 00:01:11,709
We're still in the pre-dating phase.
34
00:01:11,843 --> 00:01:13,177
Unless you want to lower my rent.
35
00:01:13,310 --> 00:01:14,679
You actually haven't paid rent
this month.
36
00:01:14,811 --> 00:01:17,715
- I'm going to get that to you.
- Okay.
37
00:01:17,847 --> 00:01:20,617
- Come on. Let me show you the place.
- Okay.
38
00:01:20,751 --> 00:01:22,219
By the way, don't fall for that
39
00:01:22,352 --> 00:01:23,453
"You don't have to get me anything."
40
00:01:23,587 --> 00:01:24,655
She says that to everyone.
41
00:01:24,789 --> 00:01:25,823
You totally have to get her something.
42
00:01:25,956 --> 00:01:27,224
Totally have to get her something.
43
00:01:27,358 --> 00:01:29,826
Okay. Maybe I'll get her a card
and write inside,
44
00:01:29,959 --> 00:01:31,628
"Remember when your kids tricked me into
45
00:01:31,762 --> 00:01:33,430
picking up your best friend
from the airport
46
00:01:33,564 --> 00:01:35,199
during rush hour on a Thursday,
47
00:01:35,331 --> 00:01:36,966
which is actually busier than a Monday?"
48
00:01:37,100 --> 00:01:39,969
You know I had to go inside?
It cost me $32 to park.
49
00:01:40,103 --> 00:01:41,638
I mean, that feels like a gift to me.
50
00:01:41,772 --> 00:01:43,606
And they say romance
is dead in Australia.
51
00:01:43,740 --> 00:01:45,042
- They do?
- They will.
52
00:01:57,818 --> 00:02:00,882
- Subs by kinglouisxx -
for www.addic7ed.com
53
00:02:01,304 --> 00:02:05,331
I'm just so happy
to be together in person.
54
00:02:05,417 --> 00:02:07,052
I've missed your lower half.
55
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,230
Huh. Well, you're not missing much.
56
00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:11,865
It's usually covered
in salsa and cat hair.
57
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,002
I don't live a very glamorous life.
58
00:02:14,135 --> 00:02:16,838
Then let's do something glamorous.
59
00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:18,806
There's this spa
I've been meaning to try.
60
00:02:18,940 --> 00:02:20,442
I've had a buy-one-get-one,
61
00:02:20,576 --> 00:02:21,943
but I haven't had anyone to get one.
62
00:02:22,077 --> 00:02:24,478
They've got this special wrap
63
00:02:24,613 --> 00:02:26,315
that pulls all the toxins out of you.
64
00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:29,450
Oh, I brought a double
cheeseburger on the airplane
65
00:02:29,584 --> 00:02:30,985
and washed it down with
four cans of wine
66
00:02:31,119 --> 00:02:32,888
to calm my flying nerves.
67
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,524
Girl, I could use something
to pull the toxins out.
68
00:02:38,064 --> 00:02:40,272
Okay, everybody, listen up,
because this is important.
69
00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:41,696
It is my first time hosting the family
70
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,131
as an official fiancée of Freddie's.
71
00:02:43,264 --> 00:02:45,333
A bad dinner party
can end an engagement,
72
00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:47,234
and I'm not letting that happen again.
73
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:49,336
Again?
74
00:02:49,470 --> 00:02:52,173
I mean, who knows how many
birthdays Jean has left?
75
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:53,808
What?
76
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:56,543
So, we will have
a selection of appetizers,
77
00:02:56,678 --> 00:02:57,811
and for the main course,
78
00:02:57,946 --> 00:02:59,847
I'll be cooking my Abuela's
Mojo Chicken.
79
00:02:59,981 --> 00:03:02,083
We always have it for special
occasions in my family.
80
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:04,052
Mm. Sounds like a lot of effort.
81
00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:06,221
Speaking of not making an effort,
82
00:03:06,355 --> 00:03:08,526
let's talk about your outfit
for the evening, Jackie.
83
00:03:08,659 --> 00:03:09,784
Me?
84
00:03:09,909 --> 00:03:13,051
Oh, do you want me to pretend
like I'm talking to everyone?
85
00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:15,062
It's nothing personal, Jackie.
86
00:03:15,197 --> 00:03:16,898
We just haven't developed outfit trust,
87
00:03:17,031 --> 00:03:19,367
and this evening has to be perfect.
88
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,336
Don't worry about it being perfect, Cel,
89
00:03:21,470 --> 00:03:23,071
'cause once my mom sees
the gift that I got her,
90
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,954
heads will roll.
91
00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:27,774
I don't think that expression
means what you think it means.
92
00:03:28,404 --> 00:03:30,472
Okay, so what are we getting Mom
this year?
93
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:31,728
We are getting her nothing,
94
00:03:31,861 --> 00:03:33,563
'cause we are getting her
95
00:03:33,696 --> 00:03:36,765
a 75-inch quantum color flat screen TV
96
00:03:36,898 --> 00:03:39,269
with 8 million pixels
and a built-in soundbar.
97
00:03:39,402 --> 00:03:42,404
Cool. So I'll just go in
on that with you.
98
00:03:42,539 --> 00:03:45,349
No, you won't. It's from us.
99
00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:47,919
Fine. Whatever. I don't need you.
100
00:03:48,054 --> 00:03:50,255
Lane and I will get her
something together.
101
00:03:50,389 --> 00:03:52,358
Well, I already have my gift
for Mother Raines.
102
00:03:52,491 --> 00:03:54,525
It's an original ballad
I'm composing for her.
103
00:03:54,659 --> 00:03:56,094
You can sing backup if you want.
104
00:03:56,228 --> 00:03:57,729
I'll figure something out.
105
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:00,331
Come on! The gift of song is priceless!
106
00:04:00,466 --> 00:04:02,600
And by "priceless," I mean free.
107
00:04:02,735 --> 00:04:04,270
Just get up and try it.
108
00:04:04,402 --> 00:04:06,504
Okay. You ready?
109
00:04:06,631 --> 00:04:09,640
♪ Meet me here ♪
110
00:04:09,702 --> 00:04:13,491
♪ I'm heeeeeeere ♪
111
00:04:13,576 --> 00:04:19,533
♪ I don't know where you are,
but you're not here ♪
112
00:04:19,677 --> 00:04:24,506
♪ Maybe you could meet me over here ♪
113
00:04:24,584 --> 00:04:28,060
♪ Maybe not singing is the gift ♪
114
00:04:28,194 --> 00:04:30,506
♪ I hate you all ♪
115
00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:34,867
Oh, Jean.
116
00:04:34,999 --> 00:04:37,468
That locker room is great.
117
00:04:37,603 --> 00:04:39,805
It's got all kinds of free combs
and lotions and stuff.
118
00:04:39,939 --> 00:04:42,206
Look, I loaded up my purse.
119
00:04:42,341 --> 00:04:43,776
Oh, hey.
120
00:04:43,908 --> 00:04:45,577
You're out of combs
and lotions and stuff.
121
00:04:47,745 --> 00:04:49,380
All right, well, relax.
122
00:04:49,514 --> 00:04:50,648
Enjoy the amenities.
123
00:04:50,673 --> 00:04:52,341
I'll be back shortly to escort you
124
00:04:52,366 --> 00:04:54,402
to the healing lounge for
your signature treatments.
125
00:04:54,527 --> 00:04:56,395
Oh, hey. Um, excuse me, Melissa.
126
00:04:56,478 --> 00:04:58,624
Are there any famous people here today?
127
00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:01,059
I saw a naked lady,
looks like Drew Barrymore.
128
00:05:01,192 --> 00:05:03,661
It's not her. I asked.
129
00:05:03,795 --> 00:05:05,197
Namaste.
130
00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:07,932
What's with her?
131
00:05:08,025 --> 00:05:09,690
We don't really do that here.
132
00:05:09,807 --> 00:05:12,103
We like to treat celebrities
like regular people.
133
00:05:12,237 --> 00:05:14,072
Oh, "we" do?
134
00:05:14,206 --> 00:05:17,276
- Okay, fancy.
- Oh, stop.
135
00:05:17,301 --> 00:05:19,753
But if you want to talk about
fancy, try this water.
136
00:05:23,115 --> 00:05:24,117
Oh, God.
137
00:05:26,898 --> 00:05:29,288
I think they forgot to wash
the soap out of this.
138
00:05:29,420 --> 00:05:31,790
No, Sharon, it's infused.
139
00:05:31,923 --> 00:05:33,358
With nasty?
140
00:05:33,492 --> 00:05:34,725
Come on.
141
00:05:34,860 --> 00:05:37,663
We wanted to try something
glamorous for my birthday.
142
00:05:37,795 --> 00:05:39,497
Can you get into the spirit?
143
00:05:39,632 --> 00:05:42,168
Ooh.
144
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:45,670
♪ Come on, unh, and do the Humpty Hump ♪
145
00:05:45,803 --> 00:05:47,338
♪ Sexy baby ♪
146
00:05:47,471 --> 00:05:48,472
♪ Do the Humpty Hump ♪
147
00:05:48,607 --> 00:05:50,877
Oh. I changed it for your birthday.
148
00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:52,617
Sharon, this is the Quiet Room.
149
00:05:52,768 --> 00:05:55,303
Oh, it's Ted Jr.
He's cat-sitting for me.
150
00:05:55,437 --> 00:05:57,105
Tuna Fey has been backed up all week.
151
00:05:57,238 --> 00:05:59,807
Hey, Ted Jr.
152
00:05:59,941 --> 00:06:01,810
Did she go in the litter box yet?
153
00:06:01,944 --> 00:06:03,545
What do you mean,
you think it was a poop?
154
00:06:03,679 --> 00:06:05,414
You got to break it up.
155
00:06:05,547 --> 00:06:06,814
With your hand, Ted!
156
00:06:06,947 --> 00:06:07,882
Oh, my God.
157
00:06:09,837 --> 00:06:12,024
Oh, hey. Is... Is Jackie here?
I need her advice.
158
00:06:12,071 --> 00:06:13,884
What do you need help with?
Losing a man or losing a job?
159
00:06:13,985 --> 00:06:15,040
Wow.
160
00:06:15,095 --> 00:06:16,658
Sorry. She's not here. I can get real.
161
00:06:16,792 --> 00:06:18,426
It's exhausting
being the supportive friend
162
00:06:18,559 --> 00:06:20,461
- to such a train wreck.
- Yeah, okay.
163
00:06:20,516 --> 00:06:22,252
Well, maybe you can help me,
uh, with Jean's gift.
164
00:06:22,384 --> 00:06:23,819
Just let me know if you think it's okay.
165
00:06:23,954 --> 00:06:25,756
Uh, so, listen, in my practice,
166
00:06:25,889 --> 00:06:27,691
I see a lot of, uh,
rocky relationships, okay?
167
00:06:27,824 --> 00:06:29,125
And the number-one complaint
that women have
168
00:06:29,259 --> 00:06:30,526
is that men don't listen.
169
00:06:30,659 --> 00:06:32,794
So I wanted to give Jean a gift
170
00:06:32,928 --> 00:06:35,178
that shows her I'm listening.
171
00:06:36,932 --> 00:06:39,334
Have you lost your mind?
172
00:06:39,468 --> 00:06:41,303
But the gals at the brassiere shop...
173
00:06:41,437 --> 00:06:43,372
Stop. I can't.
174
00:06:43,405 --> 00:06:44,406
Give me that. I can't even look at it.
175
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:46,442
I can't even look at you!
176
00:06:46,576 --> 00:06:49,946
Danny, husbands who have been
with their wives for 50 years
177
00:06:50,079 --> 00:06:54,617
don't get them full-coverage beige bras.
178
00:06:54,750 --> 00:06:57,453
But did I mention the gals
at the brassiere shop said
179
00:06:57,586 --> 00:07:00,723
it's so sturdy, it's the last
bra you'll ever need.
180
00:07:03,024 --> 00:07:04,226
Okay, I'll try again.
181
00:07:09,348 --> 00:07:10,537
Aren't you hot?
182
00:07:12,309 --> 00:07:14,309
I'm hot.
183
00:07:15,614 --> 00:07:17,457
But I think the detox is working,
184
00:07:17,553 --> 00:07:20,261
'cause I can smell the hamburger
coming out of my pores.
185
00:07:23,422 --> 00:07:25,326
And chicken nuggets.
186
00:07:25,398 --> 00:07:27,420
Which is weird, 'cause
I didn't have any nuggets.
187
00:07:29,402 --> 00:07:31,855
Sharon, you have to stop talking.
188
00:07:31,988 --> 00:07:33,923
We can all smell it.
189
00:07:38,102 --> 00:07:39,871
Sharon, turn off your phone!
190
00:07:40,004 --> 00:07:41,206
♪ Come on, unh... ♪
191
00:07:41,340 --> 00:07:43,509
Maybe your phone wouldn't be
so hard to find
192
00:07:43,641 --> 00:07:46,877
if you didn't steal so many
combs and lotions and stuff.
193
00:07:47,011 --> 00:07:49,814
Sorry! She's from Iowa!
194
00:07:49,948 --> 00:07:51,283
Excuse me?
195
00:07:51,415 --> 00:07:54,119
- You don't have to apologize for me.
- Well, I think I do.
196
00:07:54,251 --> 00:07:55,855
I'm sorry, Sharon,
but you're acting like
197
00:07:55,987 --> 00:07:57,189
you've never been out in public before.
198
00:07:57,323 --> 00:07:59,991
Be careful.
I'm not that tightly wrapped.
199
00:08:00,124 --> 00:08:01,593
What's going on with you?
200
00:08:01,727 --> 00:08:03,762
Me? What's going on with you?
201
00:08:03,896 --> 00:08:05,496
You used to be fun.
202
00:08:05,631 --> 00:08:07,532
Now you go to snooty spas and care more
203
00:08:07,665 --> 00:08:09,802
about what other people think
than your friend.
204
00:08:09,934 --> 00:08:12,805
- I think L.A. has changed you.
- So what?
205
00:08:12,937 --> 00:08:14,572
I'm trying new things.
206
00:08:14,706 --> 00:08:16,006
There's nothing wrong with
being a little more...
207
00:08:16,141 --> 00:08:17,609
- What?
- Sophisticated.
208
00:08:17,742 --> 00:08:20,111
Are you calling me a hick?
209
00:08:20,244 --> 00:08:22,280
I'm too sophisticated
to call people names,
210
00:08:22,413 --> 00:08:24,181
but I'm not the one sweating nuggets.
211
00:08:24,316 --> 00:08:26,583
No, you're the one
paying people good money
212
00:08:26,718 --> 00:08:28,420
to wrap you like a dirt burrito.
213
00:08:28,553 --> 00:08:31,023
Oh! This place is stupid.
214
00:08:31,156 --> 00:08:33,825
I get it, Sharon. You hate it here.
215
00:08:33,959 --> 00:08:36,061
I get it. You love it here.
216
00:08:36,193 --> 00:08:37,895
Why did you even come?
217
00:08:38,029 --> 00:08:39,842
I was wondering the same thing.
218
00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:41,430
Well, go home if you want to.
219
00:08:41,533 --> 00:08:43,802
I would, but I don't want to
do that to the kids.
220
00:08:43,935 --> 00:08:46,405
They've worked really hard
on your party,
221
00:08:46,552 --> 00:08:48,178
and Celia's already approved my outfit.
222
00:08:49,402 --> 00:08:50,970
Okay.
223
00:08:51,022 --> 00:08:52,975
Well, I can certainly fake nice
for one evening.
224
00:08:53,046 --> 00:08:54,145
One evening?
225
00:08:54,278 --> 00:08:56,776
You've been faking nice for 65 years.
226
00:08:56,854 --> 00:08:58,189
That's it!
227
00:08:58,314 --> 00:08:59,848
I'll see you in the car!
228
00:08:59,958 --> 00:09:01,160
Oh.
229
00:09:11,001 --> 00:09:12,136
Oh, I hate L.A.!
230
00:09:22,070 --> 00:09:23,839
Hey, Cel?
231
00:09:23,973 --> 00:09:25,174
Can you help me in here?
232
00:09:25,290 --> 00:09:27,744
This present is so big.
It's like trying to wrap a whale.
233
00:09:27,807 --> 00:09:29,775
A very expensive whale
234
00:09:29,917 --> 00:09:31,920
that'll make my mom love me
more than my sister.
235
00:09:32,054 --> 00:09:33,821
Freddie, we are four hours from go time,
236
00:09:33,954 --> 00:09:35,022
and I know that's not
what you're wearing,
237
00:09:35,155 --> 00:09:36,525
because your clothes
are laid out on the bed.
238
00:09:36,658 --> 00:09:38,960
I'm gonna have to wear a belt, aren't I?
239
00:09:39,092 --> 00:09:41,862
I... I'm sorry?
240
00:09:41,996 --> 00:09:45,032
Do you have any idea how hard
I've been working on this party?
241
00:09:45,157 --> 00:09:47,336
¿Y tu te estás quejando un esta momento?
242
00:09:47,446 --> 00:09:48,669
Después que yo me mato en la cocina,
243
00:09:48,710 --> 00:09:51,880
- recogiendo tu reguero en esta casa.
- Hey, guys.
244
00:09:52,005 --> 00:09:53,505
Oh, did you want to
finish yelling at him?
245
00:09:53,530 --> 00:09:54,541
I can totally wait.
246
00:09:54,666 --> 00:09:56,528
Ni te levantas un dedo pa ayudarme
247
00:09:56,583 --> 00:09:58,313
como un niño malcriado.
248
00:09:58,447 --> 00:09:59,514
Hey, Jackie.
249
00:09:59,646 --> 00:10:01,334
Hey.
250
00:10:01,783 --> 00:10:05,520
Okay, guys, check out
what I made for Mom.
251
00:10:07,288 --> 00:10:08,923
It is a garden stone,
252
00:10:09,057 --> 00:10:11,527
like the one Freddie and I had
at the house back in Waterloo
253
00:10:11,659 --> 00:10:13,627
with impressions of our feet
when we were little.
254
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:16,549
Holy cow. What size are your feet?
255
00:10:17,999 --> 00:10:20,135
9 1/2 and a 10.
256
00:10:21,435 --> 00:10:24,071
Wow, that's a lot of cement.
257
00:10:24,206 --> 00:10:26,475
What's going on with that one toe?
258
00:10:26,607 --> 00:10:29,011
Oh, I inherited Mom's Morton Toe.
It's our bond.
259
00:10:30,410 --> 00:10:32,113
It's not for you.
260
00:10:35,015 --> 00:10:39,920
So anyways, now that we both
have these great gifts,
261
00:10:40,054 --> 00:10:42,490
I was thinking maybe you could
put my name on the TV,
262
00:10:42,624 --> 00:10:44,259
I'll put your name on the garden stone,
263
00:10:44,391 --> 00:10:45,792
and we can give Mom
both of them together.
264
00:10:45,927 --> 00:10:47,562
- Win-win.
- No, no.
265
00:10:47,694 --> 00:10:48,962
Come on, Freddie!
266
00:10:49,097 --> 00:10:50,765
Ah, I'm sorry, sister. Nope.
267
00:10:50,898 --> 00:10:53,202
This TV is from Celia and I.
Done and done.
268
00:10:53,334 --> 00:10:56,370
You're just gonna have to stand
on your own two massive feet.
269
00:10:56,505 --> 00:10:59,174
Oh, like how you stood on
your own two feet
270
00:10:59,307 --> 00:11:01,376
when you were still breastfeeding?
271
00:11:01,509 --> 00:11:03,111
The pediatrician said
272
00:11:03,244 --> 00:11:04,379
children wean themselves
when they're ready.
273
00:11:04,512 --> 00:11:05,941
Well, let me know when you are.
274
00:11:06,294 --> 00:11:07,900
Bye, Celia.
275
00:11:13,654 --> 00:11:15,088
Why don't you just
put her name on the TV
276
00:11:15,222 --> 00:11:16,317
and say it's from all of us?
277
00:11:16,403 --> 00:11:19,326
Because every gift that Jackie
has ever gotten my mom
278
00:11:19,461 --> 00:11:20,962
has been the best gift ever.
279
00:11:21,096 --> 00:11:22,364
Last year, it was a smart picture frame
280
00:11:22,496 --> 00:11:23,897
loaded with our baby pictures
281
00:11:24,030 --> 00:11:25,799
that played on a loop to
the complete Bee Gees anthology,
282
00:11:25,933 --> 00:11:27,402
and Mom still brings it up
out of nowhere.
283
00:11:29,071 --> 00:11:31,706
This year, it's my turn
to win the Birthday War.
284
00:11:31,839 --> 00:11:33,073
War? Really?
285
00:11:33,207 --> 00:11:34,943
- This is a war to you?
- Oh, yeah.
286
00:11:35,076 --> 00:11:36,978
Everything with Jackie is a competition.
287
00:11:37,111 --> 00:11:38,779
I just decided to win it this year.
288
00:11:42,217 --> 00:11:44,453
- I have no gift.
- Okay, no knock?
289
00:11:44,586 --> 00:11:45,921
We do not have
that kind of relationship.
290
00:11:46,054 --> 00:11:47,555
I have been all over the city.
291
00:11:47,688 --> 00:11:49,457
I-I don't know what to get her.
292
00:11:49,591 --> 00:11:52,159
Honestly, I cannot think of
anything better than the bra.
293
00:11:52,294 --> 00:11:53,794
What if I got her something
with the bra?
294
00:11:53,928 --> 00:11:55,664
Like panties.
295
00:11:55,797 --> 00:11:57,198
Did you just say "panties"
in my apartment?
296
00:11:57,331 --> 00:11:59,768
Danny, I'm trying to write a song.
297
00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:01,468
I don't know Jean at all.
298
00:12:01,602 --> 00:12:03,170
I mean, the most detailed thing
I know about her
299
00:12:03,304 --> 00:12:05,173
is her water usage,
300
00:12:05,305 --> 00:12:06,606
which is surprisingly high, by the way.
301
00:12:06,741 --> 00:12:08,074
Actually, is there something in that?
302
00:12:08,208 --> 00:12:10,477
Should I get her a flow regulator?
303
00:12:10,502 --> 00:12:15,353
Yeah, just get her panties
and a flow regulator.
304
00:12:15,449 --> 00:12:16,945
Usually when I buy someone a gift,
305
00:12:17,091 --> 00:12:19,188
I know what I am to that person,
you know?
306
00:12:19,215 --> 00:12:20,883
But we're in this in-between stage.
307
00:12:20,977 --> 00:12:23,012
We never got to do that phase at
the beginning of a relationship
308
00:12:23,146 --> 00:12:24,580
where you stay up all night talking,
309
00:12:24,714 --> 00:12:26,316
learning about what makes good gifts.
310
00:12:26,449 --> 00:12:28,450
Then get her something to show her
311
00:12:28,584 --> 00:12:30,887
- how excited you are to get to know her.
- Mm-hmm.
312
00:12:31,021 --> 00:12:32,756
And you should be excited.
She's a dream.
313
00:12:32,890 --> 00:12:35,759
Dream, dream... dream Jean.
314
00:12:35,892 --> 00:12:38,561
♪ Dream Jean ♪
315
00:12:38,694 --> 00:12:40,706
♪ Too good for a flow regulator ♪
316
00:12:40,731 --> 00:12:42,299
Okay, it's coming to me.
It's coming to me.
317
00:12:42,433 --> 00:12:45,022
I need to create,
and you need to get out.
318
00:12:48,505 --> 00:12:49,773
Why do I smell burgers?
319
00:12:49,906 --> 00:12:51,141
Did you guys eat before you came?
320
00:12:51,274 --> 00:12:53,077
I don't want to talk about it.
321
00:12:53,209 --> 00:12:54,982
And nobody wants to hear about it.
322
00:12:55,713 --> 00:12:57,481
Wait. Do I sense tension?
323
00:12:57,622 --> 00:12:59,657
There is no room at the table
for tension.
324
00:12:59,782 --> 00:13:01,851
Tension at a dinner party
can end a marriage,
325
00:13:01,984 --> 00:13:03,119
and I'm not letting that happen again.
326
00:13:03,252 --> 00:13:04,554
Again?
327
00:13:04,688 --> 00:13:05,764
Wait, I did not approve that scarf.
328
00:13:05,789 --> 00:13:07,038
- Take it off.
- Oh.
329
00:13:07,070 --> 00:13:08,811
Happy birthday!
330
00:13:08,836 --> 00:13:10,560
Oh.
331
00:13:10,678 --> 00:13:12,934
Everything looks beautiful, Celia.
332
00:13:12,989 --> 00:13:14,222
I know.
333
00:13:15,657 --> 00:13:17,728
- Freddie, get that.
- Okay.
334
00:13:20,162 --> 00:13:22,365
Okay. I give up.
My garden stone was scary.
335
00:13:22,498 --> 00:13:23,899
I'm giving her a card. You win.
336
00:13:24,033 --> 00:13:26,335
Oh, it's not a contest.
337
00:13:26,469 --> 00:13:27,737
- Happy birthday, Mom!
- Oh.
338
00:13:27,870 --> 00:13:31,108
- Happy birthday, Mom.
- Oh!
339
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:32,408
I have to go check on the chicken.
340
00:13:32,542 --> 00:13:34,543
Why doesn't somebody get
a party game started?
341
00:13:34,677 --> 00:13:36,479
Ooh, I love party games. I'll go first.
342
00:13:36,613 --> 00:13:38,248
Kiss-Marry-Kill.
343
00:13:38,380 --> 00:13:40,415
I kill Jean.
344
00:13:40,550 --> 00:13:42,318
You have to wait till
I give you your options fist.
345
00:13:42,451 --> 00:13:44,716
Nothing you say is going to
change my mind.
346
00:13:47,357 --> 00:13:49,860
Okay, so if I'm marrying
"Clueless" Paul Rudd,
347
00:13:49,993 --> 00:13:51,761
I guess I've got to kill
"Ant-Man" Paul Rudd,
348
00:13:51,893 --> 00:13:52,928
which is not gonna be easy,
349
00:13:53,061 --> 00:13:55,532
but I'll be free to kiss real Paul Rudd.
350
00:13:55,665 --> 00:13:57,667
No! Oh, I forgot "This is 40" Paul Rudd.
351
00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,269
- Can I go again?
- No.
352
00:13:59,402 --> 00:14:00,637
We get it. You like Paul Rudd.
353
00:14:00,769 --> 00:14:02,571
Yeah.
354
00:14:02,697 --> 00:14:04,700
So, tell me about high school Jean.
355
00:14:04,725 --> 00:14:05,782
How was she? Was she popular?
356
00:14:05,807 --> 00:14:07,409
I'll bet she was popular.
357
00:14:07,434 --> 00:14:09,711
No, she was a big, ol' nerd.
358
00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:11,313
But I let her hang out with me.
359
00:14:11,447 --> 00:14:12,748
But the turning point came for her
360
00:14:12,874 --> 00:14:15,643
when I managed her 9th grade
student council campaign
361
00:14:15,785 --> 00:14:17,254
for vice president,
362
00:14:17,387 --> 00:14:18,755
and I came up with the winning slogan...
363
00:14:18,888 --> 00:14:21,758
- "Jean Will Get the Job Done."
- Mm.
364
00:14:21,783 --> 00:14:24,170
And then some kid wrote "hand"
in front of "job."
365
00:14:25,695 --> 00:14:26,796
Not some kid.
366
00:14:26,930 --> 00:14:28,231
That was you?
367
00:14:28,364 --> 00:14:30,200
Yep. You won in a landslide.
368
00:14:30,333 --> 00:14:32,135
I made you.
369
00:14:32,268 --> 00:14:33,469
The boys from the Chess Club
370
00:14:33,603 --> 00:14:36,689
followed me around
like it was a conga line.
371
00:14:36,873 --> 00:14:38,407
I kill Sharon.
372
00:14:38,541 --> 00:14:40,008
Excuse me, everybody.
373
00:14:40,143 --> 00:14:41,610
Sorry for the delay.
374
00:14:41,736 --> 00:14:43,494
My Abuela told me
that God would tell her
375
00:14:43,548 --> 00:14:44,714
when the chicken was ready,
376
00:14:44,838 --> 00:14:47,175
and God seems to be
taking her sweet time,
377
00:14:47,316 --> 00:14:49,619
so why don't we just start with
gifts while we wait?
378
00:14:49,752 --> 00:14:52,388
Okay, I'll go first.
I'll get this out of the way.
379
00:14:52,522 --> 00:14:55,092
So, now, it wasn't easy
to come up with something
380
00:14:55,224 --> 00:14:58,394
that struck a balance between
friendship and intimacy.
381
00:15:01,364 --> 00:15:02,764
Wow.
382
00:15:02,898 --> 00:15:05,801
It's a flowerpot filled with dirt.
383
00:15:05,935 --> 00:15:07,804
I love it.
384
00:15:07,936 --> 00:15:09,306
What did you do?
385
00:15:09,439 --> 00:15:11,441
You also have a bra coming.
386
00:15:11,574 --> 00:15:12,474
Oh, great.
387
00:15:12,609 --> 00:15:14,076
Because, boy, could I use a bra.
388
00:15:14,210 --> 00:15:15,644
Uh, no, no.
389
00:15:15,778 --> 00:15:17,580
There's actually a bulb
planted in there,
390
00:15:17,714 --> 00:15:18,948
and it's gonna bloom
in about two months,
391
00:15:19,081 --> 00:15:20,615
and I thought because were gonna
take our relationship
392
00:15:20,749 --> 00:15:22,952
to the next level
in about that same time,
393
00:15:23,085 --> 00:15:25,955
our relationship and the flower
will bloom
394
00:15:26,089 --> 00:15:27,190
- at the same time.
- At the same time!
395
00:15:27,322 --> 00:15:28,891
Aww! It's perfect!
396
00:15:29,024 --> 00:15:31,527
Danny, you did it.
397
00:15:31,552 --> 00:15:32,565
- I love it.
- Ohh.
398
00:15:32,590 --> 00:15:35,397
She loves it!
399
00:15:35,532 --> 00:15:36,833
Yeah, she says she loves it,
400
00:15:36,965 --> 00:15:38,202
but wait until it takes a call
401
00:15:38,249 --> 00:15:40,869
about a constipated cat
in the Quiet Room.
402
00:15:41,003 --> 00:15:42,404
I thought I killed you.
403
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,689
Okay. Here's a little nibble.
404
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:46,777
Just to tide you over. Okay.
405
00:15:49,778 --> 00:15:51,248
Okay, who's next? How about Jackie goes?
406
00:15:51,380 --> 00:15:53,115
Okay.
407
00:15:53,248 --> 00:15:55,685
Mom, um, I didn't get you a gift,
408
00:15:55,819 --> 00:15:57,587
but I wrote you a card.
409
00:15:57,719 --> 00:15:59,888
This is gonna be so bad.
410
00:16:00,022 --> 00:16:03,960
"Mom, as you know,
it's been a tough year for me,
411
00:16:04,093 --> 00:16:06,228
so I didn't have a lot to spend
on your birthday gift.
412
00:16:06,362 --> 00:16:08,064
Two relationships have ended,
413
00:16:08,089 --> 00:16:09,813
I quit my job, so I have no money."
414
00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:10,975
At least she's not singing it.
415
00:16:11,007 --> 00:16:13,639
Okay, it's a small room. I can hear you.
416
00:16:14,384 --> 00:16:16,152
"You moved halfway across
the country to make sure
417
00:16:16,285 --> 00:16:19,188
Freddie and I were safe
and healthy and happy,
418
00:16:19,322 --> 00:16:21,524
and at first, I wasn't sure
how I felt about that.
419
00:16:21,658 --> 00:16:24,394
But in this time when I could
have felt really alone,
420
00:16:24,528 --> 00:16:27,531
I haven't, because you've been with me.
421
00:16:27,664 --> 00:16:29,032
I may not be able to get you a gift,
422
00:16:29,164 --> 00:16:31,534
but our time together
has been a gift to me.
423
00:16:31,668 --> 00:16:32,936
Please don't ever leave.
424
00:16:33,068 --> 00:16:35,341
Happy birthday. I love you."
425
00:16:36,546 --> 00:16:38,760
That worked? I got to get my gift!
426
00:16:38,910 --> 00:16:40,880
It's just beautiful, sweetie.
427
00:16:41,013 --> 00:16:42,447
The perfect gift.
428
00:16:45,650 --> 00:16:48,086
Are you crying?
429
00:16:48,242 --> 00:16:51,079
Excuse me.
430
00:16:51,189 --> 00:16:52,094
Hey, Mom.
431
00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:54,697
Look. I got you a 75-inch TV.
432
00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:56,057
It's got 8 million pixels.
433
00:16:56,189 --> 00:16:57,891
Oh, a TV. Thanks, honey.
434
00:16:58,025 --> 00:16:59,100
- Yeah.
- I'll be right back.
435
00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,204
Mom, no! It's got 8 million pixels!
436
00:17:01,229 --> 00:17:02,380
Mom!
437
00:17:06,341 --> 00:17:08,125
Any chance that card
came from both of us?
438
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,887
Oh, no.
439
00:17:12,510 --> 00:17:14,645
Are you okay?
440
00:17:14,793 --> 00:17:17,229
I'm fine. Get back to your party.
441
00:17:17,364 --> 00:17:19,299
Oh, come on. You never cry.
442
00:17:19,433 --> 00:17:20,580
Like, never.
443
00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:22,900
I mean, it's weird to go
to funerals with you.
444
00:17:23,469 --> 00:17:24,738
What's happening?
445
00:17:24,870 --> 00:17:27,379
Nothing's happening. I'm fine.
446
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,649
You haven't been fine
since you got here.
447
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:32,118
It's like you've been trying
to ruin things.
448
00:17:32,251 --> 00:17:34,553
Why?
449
00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:36,555
Because I'm mad at you.
450
00:17:36,688 --> 00:17:38,516
Why are you mad at me?
451
00:17:40,191 --> 00:17:43,261
Because you're never coming back.
452
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:44,998
I've been holding out hope
453
00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:47,566
that your kids were going to
get sick of you,
454
00:17:47,699 --> 00:17:51,236
because you can be a lot.
455
00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:56,641
But when Jackie read
that stupid, beautiful card,
456
00:17:56,775 --> 00:17:59,187
- I realized I've really lost you.
- Oh.
457
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:01,079
Don't be dumb, Sharon.
458
00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:03,072
You haven't lost me.
459
00:18:03,164 --> 00:18:07,793
Jean, your kids want you here
all the time.
460
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,922
Forever.
461
00:18:10,055 --> 00:18:12,840
You're building a life here.
462
00:18:12,902 --> 00:18:16,293
You got a pre-boyfriend
and a pre-daughter-in-law.
463
00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:18,888
And we have 40 years of Humpty dances
464
00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:21,785
and double dates and can't-get-dates
465
00:18:21,919 --> 00:18:24,134
and you pretending to be my wife
466
00:18:24,196 --> 00:18:26,884
so you could be in the delivery
room when I had Jackie.
467
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,578
But what if we drift apart?
468
00:18:30,656 --> 00:18:32,303
That can't happen.
469
00:18:32,895 --> 00:18:35,952
You were by my side when I met, married,
470
00:18:36,031 --> 00:18:38,067
then buried my husband.
471
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:40,485
It was a hell of a night.
472
00:18:43,153 --> 00:18:44,522
I'm sorry, I had to.
473
00:18:44,655 --> 00:18:46,984
Otherwise I was gonna
start crying again.
474
00:18:47,401 --> 00:18:49,335
You're my best friend.
475
00:18:49,470 --> 00:18:50,805
I'm nothing without you.
476
00:18:51,367 --> 00:18:53,115
You made me.
477
00:18:53,707 --> 00:18:55,576
I did.
478
00:18:58,110 --> 00:18:59,879
- Mother Raines?
- Yeah.
479
00:19:00,084 --> 00:19:01,513
Are you ready for my birthday present?
480
00:19:01,593 --> 00:19:02,683
Mm.
481
00:19:05,932 --> 00:19:07,233
I'm glad you're here.
482
00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:09,006
Me too.
483
00:19:11,383 --> 00:19:13,317
Mother Raines, for your birthday,
484
00:19:13,444 --> 00:19:15,145
I wanted to do something special.
485
00:19:15,170 --> 00:19:18,094
I wrote you a song to try to
capture how much you mean to me.
486
00:19:18,203 --> 00:19:21,855
It's a song about family,
love, friendship,
487
00:19:21,956 --> 00:19:23,110
peace on Earth for a little bit,
488
00:19:23,191 --> 00:19:24,981
but then I took that part out.
489
00:19:25,318 --> 00:19:27,759
It's off my new album,
"Life in the Lane Lane."
490
00:19:30,006 --> 00:19:34,675
♪ You know what they say
about love in groups ♪
491
00:19:34,762 --> 00:19:40,200
♪ It's the family you have
and the one you choose ♪
492
00:19:40,341 --> 00:19:44,745
♪ Got a daughter and a son,
but I'm yours, too ♪
493
00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:48,417
♪ Oh, so many people behind you ♪
494
00:19:48,550 --> 00:19:51,507
♪ That you've been giving your time to ♪
495
00:19:51,852 --> 00:19:54,812
♪ Let me do something for you ♪
496
00:19:54,905 --> 00:19:56,973
♪ For once ♪
497
00:19:57,062 --> 00:20:00,194
♪ Let me do something for you ♪
498
00:20:00,328 --> 00:20:01,897
♪ Yeah ♪
499
00:20:02,030 --> 00:20:06,224
♪ Not just words,
there's so much you deserve ♪
500
00:20:06,310 --> 00:20:07,835
♪ Just sit there ♪
501
00:20:07,968 --> 00:20:10,437
♪ Let me do something for you ♪
502
00:20:10,571 --> 00:20:13,223
♪ It's your day ♪
503
00:20:14,179 --> 00:20:16,741
Yes!
504
00:20:17,244 --> 00:20:20,948
That's the best birthday present
I've ever gotten.
505
00:20:21,026 --> 00:20:22,933
I know.
506
00:20:25,331 --> 00:20:27,087
The bastard smoked us.
507
00:20:27,222 --> 00:20:29,378
At least I didn't spend any money.
508
00:20:29,791 --> 00:20:33,007
The side dishes are served.
509
00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:40,880
Customer service.
510
00:20:41,014 --> 00:20:43,117
Customer service.
511
00:20:43,249 --> 00:20:45,151
Representative.
512
00:20:45,284 --> 00:20:47,153
Representative!
513
00:20:47,293 --> 00:20:49,440
Help! Help!
514
00:20:49,823 --> 00:20:50,791
What are you doing?
515
00:20:50,924 --> 00:20:53,168
Changing my flight.
516
00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:55,161
You're not the only one
with a birthday, you know.
517
00:20:55,295 --> 00:20:56,930
I thought I'd stick around till mine.
518
00:20:57,063 --> 00:20:59,408
Let you take me to "The Price is Right."
519
00:20:59,933 --> 00:21:01,135
But your birthday's not for a month.
520
00:21:01,744 --> 00:21:03,928
Oh, okay, if you don't want me...
521
00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:06,064
Really? A whole month?
522
00:21:06,196 --> 00:21:07,616
I want you!
523
00:21:07,726 --> 00:21:09,633
Ohh!
524
00:21:09,767 --> 00:21:11,937
Okay, only one month,
525
00:21:12,069 --> 00:21:13,770
then I got to get back to Tuna Fey.
526
00:21:13,904 --> 00:21:15,874
But I think my birthday month
starts now.
527
00:21:17,942 --> 00:21:19,309
♪ My name is Humpty ♪
528
00:21:19,443 --> 00:21:21,211
♪ Pronounced with a "umpty" ♪
529
00:21:21,345 --> 00:21:23,328
♪ Yo, ladies, oh, how I like
to funk thee... ♪
38471
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.