All language subtitles for The Ms Pat Show s02e09 Teach Me.eng

- "The Ms. Pat Show"
was filmed

in front
of a live studio audience.

- There's a thin line
between loving your family

and minding your damn business.

If your sister gonna just let
that guy keep beating on her,

all I got to say is whup his
ass and teach her how to duck.

If your brother can't do right,
just can't do right,

well, let him be wrong.

Climbing a mountain
is hard enough,

and it's even harder when
you got somebody tied to you.

Don't pull 'em up.

Teach they ass how to climb.

And if that don't work,
cut the fucking rope.

[cheers and applause]

Terry, why you eating in bed?

I better not wake up

with no damn tomatoes
stuck to my ass.

- What you
huffin' and puffin' about?

You still mad at Ashley?
- No.

She should be mad at herself
for being stupid.

- Let her live her life.
You did all you can do.

- What about Denise?
- What about her?

- Am I doing all I can do?

I mean, she wouldn't be
drinking if I wasn't gone.

- Look, baby,
you can't do that to yourself.

So she had a little relapse,

but she got right back
on the wagon.

- Man, that damn wagon
got Patrón on it.

- You paranoid, baby.

You just stressing
yourself out, okay?

Denise and I had a great time
this weekend.

She's doing better.

- Terry,
she threw up just last week.

Her fuckin' favorite green wig

fell off
in the toilet and drowned.

- But then she picked herself
right back up.

She's happy, baby.
She's motivated.

Hell, she's even selling
that Denise Grease

at the Black Expo tomorrow.

- Exactly.

If she happy and motivated,
that means she still drinking.

- Stop worrying about
your sister and get over here.

I got a little something to
help you take your mind off it.

- It better be
some curly fries.

- I already ate those.

- My titties is sore, and
I'm going through menopause.

The only thing I want
between my fuckin' legs

is a fan with some mist.

- Fine, okay, but you got
to stop letting your sister

wear you down, all right?

We need to focus on you
and pursuing your goals.

You just signed
to the biggest comedy agent

in the game.

Focus on that.
- Thank you, Terry.

But I know
you just trying to fuck.

- I'm not trying to--

Well, yes.

But I'm also being serious.

- Nobody knows my sister
like I do.

If she's ever gonna get better,

I'm gonna be the one
to have to get her there.

- Yeah, but the sex, baby.

We was gonna have the sex.

- Go to sleep, Terry,
to sleep.

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- I got that ass, Terry!

- Girl, you know
how much almond milk cost?

Three dollars
just fell out my nose!

- Look. Denise.

- Oh, okay.
- It's a flask.

- How you know it's Denise's?

- It says, "Don't try, bitch.

I'm Denise's."
- Oh, damn.

- And, look,
it barely a drop in here.

Look, we got to get down there
to that Black Expo

'cause she gonna mess up
her business

and she gonna
embarrass herself.

Plus, she got
white-ass Elizabeth

down there with her...

at a Black Expo!
- Yeah.

Well, baby,
I guess I steered you

in the wrong path
this time, Pat.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, look,
I'll drive you down there.

- Thank you, baby.
- Yeah, yeah.

Hey, hey, but, uh,
before we do something crazy,

do you know for a fact
that that flask

had liquor in it?
- Smell it.

It smell like tequila
and fresh fucking depression.

- I'm good. I believe you.

Let's go on down to that expo.

I heard they got
some deep-fried wedding cake

and chitlin-flavored ice cream.

Mmm-mmm!

- Lord, why did I marry
a jigaboo?

- Hey, Siri?
- Yes?

- Which way are you supposed
to turn your tongue

when kissing?

- I have found results
for "Which way to turn your"--

- Ah, ah! Hey.
[chuckles]

Sergio, Ryan, my boys.
[chuckles]

- We're just glad your parents
are letting us come over again.

- They're not. They're just
not home right now.

So you guys got to sneak out
in about an hour.

- Well, hurry up, then.
What's going on?

- Okay, so remember
that girl Megan from the mall,

the one I've been talking to
at the pretzel place?

- Girl? Isn't she, like, 30?

- No.

She's 29.

- Whoa.

You're dating
a middle-aged woman.

- We're not dating,
but, you know,

she has been dropping hints
about us...

you know.
- Oh.

So you're saying this lady
might be down to smash?

- Man, I don't believe you.
Hit her up, then.

I want to see if she flirts
with you.

- "Hey, Megan.

Thinking about you."

Sent.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, my God.
- Is that her--

- Yes.

It looks just like
my sister's Barbie dolls.

Good times.

- It looks like a crooked mouth
with no teeth.

- Well, man,
I know that you're not scared.

- No, I'm not scared.

I just never seen one
so up close before.

She must have that new iPhone.

- There's no way you're ready
for an older woman like that.

- Maybe not,
but I'ma get ready.

- How?
- I'll tell you how.

I just bought a pocket pussy
off Amazon--

best purchase I ever made.

- Yeah, yeah,
that--that could work.

You know what? I can use
Brandon's log-in info.

- Oh, you don't got to waste
the money.

You could just borrow mine.

- There's not enough soap
in the world.

- Hey, uh, do you think

that maybe
I can please borrow it maybe?

- Y'all got to leave my house.

[indistinct chatter]

- Denise Grease.
Got that Denise Grease.

- The best technique
for edge peace.

- Yeah, taking an oath
for hair growth, people.

[laughs]
- Oh, hi!

Why don't you come on over here

and let me help you
catch those runaway edges?

- I know who this is,

and it's a little too late
for her edges.

Pat, what are you doing here?

- You know how much Terry like
the Black Expo.

So I came to see
if you needed some help.

- I got Elizabeth.
She got me.

- Oh, hi!

So this product
works on 2A, 3A, and 4A.

It latches
with the convalescent bond

right at the root.

- Is she trying to tell me
about Black hair?

Girl, bye.

And you should know better.

- Well, wait. Come back.

We Black-owned.

We just ain't Black-employed.

- See, I told you
you was gonna need some help.

- I try, but somehow it always
ends up being a mess.

- Just like Denise--
last time I left her alone,

she ended up
at the dick-swingin' club,

trying to take her nephew
to the champagne room.

- Yeah, I was wasted, and I had
taken a couple of pills,

in my defense.

- What fucking defense
is that--Rick James?

- Okay, can you move?

'Cause we trying to sell
some grease over here.

And I know
that I slipped up, Pat,

but I'm not drinking anymore.

- Well, what is this?

- That's Denise's flask, bitch.
You can't read?

Where'd you find it,
behind the water heater?

- No, behind the dryer.

How many fucking flasks you got
at my house, Denise?

- Just two...

I think.

But those are old.

And I swear, I have been
as sober as a Mormon.

I haven't touched 'em
since I started the meetings.

- I don't believe you.
- Okay.

Well, then come with me
to a meeting, and you'll see.

- Let's go.
- Oh, I can't leave her here

by herself.
- Sure you can.

- Ooh-hoo,
your hair is so funky.

Can I touch that?

Oh!

- Hey, what's up, Bug?
You call me?

- Uh, yeah.
I wanted to see

if I could use
your Prime password.

- What you trying to buy?
'Cause I'm not trying

to have you mess up
my recommendations

or seeing my, um...

- Well, look...
[clears throat]

I got this situation
with this girl at the mall.

- Okay, Bug.
Yo, is that the little cutie

that work at the Cinnabon?
- No.

- The big-ass goth girl
that work at Hot Topic?

- No, it's the one--
- Don't tell me

it's that little AMC Theatres
honey with the little lazy eye.

- What? Brandon.

How much time are you spending
at the mall?

Look, she works
at the Twisted Pretzel.

- Oh!

Yeah, I don't know her.

Yeah, I only fuck
with Auntie Anne's.

- Okay, well, the thing
with this girl is she's older,

like, a lot older.

But I can tell
she really likes me.

- Okay, but are you sure that
this older woman likes you?

'Cause, uh, girls your age
don't even like you.

Matter of fact, girls
of all ages don't like you.

- Brandon, I'm sure,
like, really sure.

- All right, Junebug.
Look at you--junior pimp.

- Yeah, and, you know,
I wanted to practice

on one of those...

pocket thingies.
- Oh.

- That's why I needed
your log-in.

- Listen, you don't need
no machinery.

All you need is some advice
from your big brother.

Go ahead and sit down.
I got you.

- Okay.
- All right.

Now, you know my first time
was with an older woman, too.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Now, I'm gonna get you
on your stroke game,

but the first thing
you got to know is--

got to know to strap up.

- Like shin guards?
- No.

Um, you remember them condoms
that I gave you last year?

- Oh, right.
- Yeah.

Now, you never want to do it
without a condom.

- Mm-hmm.
- 'Cause, uh--

[laughs] Man, it only makes you
want to do it without a condom.

[laughs]

Okay, so the second thing
to worry about

is finishing too fast.

Girls hate that.

Now, what I do when I feel it
coming on, I, uh...

I think of Grandmama naked.

- Ew! No, that's nasty!

- Hey, listen, I'm not proud
of it, but it works.

- [groans]

- Listen,
we got a long day ahead of us.

Next thing I'ma teach you

how to spell the alphabet
with your tongue.

- Hey, uh,
is Mom or Dad around?

I need to speak to an adult.
- Well, I'm an adult.

They're not here, Janelle,
so what's up?

- Okay, well, listen...

I overheard from one of his
little booger-eating friends

that Junebug
might be hooking up

with a 30-year-old.

- Come on, now.
She's only 29.

- But wait--
you know about this?

- Yeah, ain't it crazy?
- Yeah, it's also a felony.

- Well, I don't see Junebug
pressing charges any time soon.

[laughs]
- Well, how would you feel

if some 30-year-old man tried
to hook up with me?

- Uh-uh, hell, nah.
That ain't happening.

I wish a nigga would.
- See?

It's a double standard.

It's wrong if a man does it
to a girl,

and it's equally wrong
if a woman does it to a boy.

- Nah, it's just
that boys mature faster.

- I'ma pass out.
- Okay.

Janelle, Junebug is going
to be fine, okay?

He's just growing up,

and he's following
in his big brother's footsteps.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I lost my cactus flower
to a older woman, too.

Yeah, Cousin Demarco said
that when I turned 15,

it was time for me to become
a man and poke something.

- Cousin Demarco touched you?

- What? Ew!
Janelle, no.

- Oh.
- He just paid for everything.

Not everybody in this family
has been abused.

- You slept with a sex worker
at 15?

Oh, that's so messed up.

Dang, Brandon,
you're a victim.

- Well, uh...
[chuckles]

I ain't feel like no victim.

- That is disturbing.

- Okay, to you,
it is, all right?

But for us, I mean,
it's just part of the process.

A woman with more experience
teaches us stuff

so we don't mess up
with girls our age.

- Yeah, but that process
is messed up.

Look, you just
don't realize it yet,

but all those women
and everyone involved

are sexual predators.

- I think
you mean sexual angels...

because I turned out okay,
all right?

It's not like I got any
weird sex issues or anything.

Now... [clears throat]
If you'll excuse me,

I need to wax my ass
before I start my next shift

at the strip club.

- I don't understand why I had
to come to this AA meeting.

- You want your wife
to be surrounded

by all these addicts?

- You be just fine
at your family reunions.

Oh! [coughs]

Uh, Denise,
I think this the wrong room.

This isn't an AA meeting.

- These people don't even
look like they desperate.

- Well,
who said anything about AA?

I said a meeting.

A meeting is where people meet.

- Why you bring us

to this fake-ass Pottery Barn
swap meet?

- Hey, hey, baby,
calm down, now.

I'm sure
she has a great explanation.

- Well, actually, Terry,
she doesn't need to calm down.

That's why we're all here.

This is a rage kintsugi class.

- You got us
at a Ken Coochi class?

- Pat, I said "kintsugi."

- And who is this nigga,
Ken Coochi?

- Kintsugi
is the Japanese practice

of repairing broken pottery
with gold.

- You ain't Japanese.

Now, you know you done stole
them people culture.

- We break these items
so as to vent,

and we repair these items
so as to heal.

- Ooh!

- See? Broken.

But we have the power
to put ourselves back together.

- How high are you?

- Denise, show her
how you vent your anger.

Mm.

- Oh, I'ma need
something bigger than that.

- Like a Crown Royal bottle?

- Crown Royal bottle.

Yes!
Jesus, that felt good!

[Terry grunts]

- Susan?

- Uh-huh?
- Now it's your turn.

- [softly] Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, that's--
Take that.

- That's all you got?

- Try to think of something
that happened to you recently

that really triggered
your rage.

- Well...

Starbucks did spell
my name wrong this morning.

- Mm.

- How hard is it
to spell Susan, you bitch!

Oh.

- God damn, S-U-S-A-N,
you don't fuck around.

- Try it.
I think you'll like it.

- We don't do
this new-age bullshit, sir.

[bowl shatters]
- Whoa!

- What the fuck
are you doing, Terry?

- I feel whole again.

- You came in this bitch whole.

- Focus on something
that always gives you rage.

- Y'all motherfuckers
crazy around here,

just throwing dishes away.

- Mm.

Mildred. Oh, shit.

Terry, Denise, Lauren.

All you motherfuckers
made me crazy!

Hey, you might be on
to something, Ken Coochi.

[Ludacris & Shawnna's
"What's Your Fantasy" plays]

- ♪ I want to li-li-li-lick you
from your head to your toes ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ ♪

- All right, stop.
Stop! Enough!

- Come on,
we paid for that ass.

- Paid? This can't be bought.

There ain't no collagen
in this ass.

Damn.

- Yo, you like them poking

and touching all on you
like that?

- I mean, it's part of the job.

- Nah, giving a show is part
of the job.

They doing a little bit more
than that.

- Yeah, I mean, technically,
that was considered fingering.

- [scoffs] Damn.
Pivot.

Listen, they can't do nothing
you don't let 'em do.

I don't care how much money
they throwin'.

- Hey, yo, let me ask you
something, Mighty.

- You can call me Mr. Long.
- Uh, no, thanks.

Listen, um,
the first time you had sex,

was it with a older woman?

- Hell, yeah, wasn't everybody?

Shit, it was
my 12th birthday, man.

My uncle had me suck
this old lady's titties.

- 12? Don't you think
that was, like, mighty wrong?

- Hell, no,
she's still my best customer.

- He was Mighty Long
even back then.

- Damn.
Maybe Janelle's right.

- Her name ain't Janelle.
It's Margaret.

And them titties
off-limits now--them is mines.

And, brother, they go
all the way to the floor.

I got to crawl
to lick them nipples.

Titties got drawstrings on 'em.

♪ ♪

- Come on, now, baby, show us
your Glock, project boy.

- Okay, you know what?
[chuckles] No. No, thanks.

- Buh, buh, buh,
this piece of sexual chocolate

just said no.

- If we wanted to hear "No,"
we would be at a regular club.

- Listen, would you two stop
preying on me?

Check your damn hearing aids.

No means no.

- And yes means yes.

[crowd cheering]

- Hey, hey! Where you going?

You still got 20 minutes left
on your shift.

- My body, my choice.

- Lord...

good hos are hard
to find round here.

- So what's going on
with Megan, man?

Did you get it in yet?

- Ah, nah, you know, I've been
meaning to blow her back out,

but just haven't been
to the mall

for a pretzel in a minute.

- Dude,
what are you waiting for?

It's time to seal this deal.

- Junebug, this cannot happen.

It's wrong.

And if it was a man,
you would call it assault.

- No, I'd call it disgusting.

Now, please, stay
out of my business, Janelle.

- Okay, fine.

But if you decide to do this,

you're gonna wind up living
in the basement

for the rest of your life.

- Brandon lives
in the basement,

so there's no more room.

- Okay, yes, but
the "metaphorical basement."

[sighs]

[cell phone chimes]

- Oh, uh, it's Megan.

- Oh!

- She sent the address
to her apartment.

[cell phone chimes]

She said come at 7:00
and bring condoms.

- Condoms?
That's so hot.

- She got an apartment?
Damn.

She's ancient.

- So what you gonna do, bro?

- I guess I, uh,
got to tear that ass up.

- Yeah.
- Tear it up!

- How are we enjoying
the experience?

Putting those pieces
back together?

- I liked it better
when we broke shit.

- That's 'cause
you like destruction.

- Okay, Mr. Fix-It.

- Hey, if I learn how to do
this and my regular therapy,

I'll be just like
Nelson Mandela.

- [laughs]

Now, Pat, can't you see how
this can be helpful?

- Putting pieces together

ain't gonna
magically fix shit, Denise.

- It's a process, Pat.

I mean, breaking this shit
into little pieces

and putting it back together
with gold is just a reminder.

- A reminder of what?
- That it's possible.

- Oh.
That's so beautiful.

And I can feel it,

but I still think
you need a real AA meeting.

- I tried AA.

I was the only Black person
in there.

I could never be myself.

- Ain't no niggas
in here either.

- Pat, this is helping Denise.

We should encourage her.
- Yeah.

And, hey, maybe you two could
use it to help yourselves.

- What you talking
about, honey?

'Cause I only drink
Olive Garden wine

at Olive Garden.

- You don't drink, but you got
messed-up mama problems

and an Ashley problem
and your hair.

- Oh, if it ain't the elbow
calling the kneecap ashy.

You just found out
your daddy wasn't your daddy.

- Exactly.

So that's why we all need
all this healing in our lives.

- And there's never a good time
to remind everyone

that Rachel will be processing
your payment of $300

for your broken items
before you leave.

- You pay this nigga $300
for this shit?

- Girl, no,
I still got Lee's credit card.

- Ooh.
- What you doing?

- I'm getting the fuck out
of here before we get robbed.

I'ma take me a 12-piece set
with me.

Grab some shit!

- What are you guys doing?

- Stopping you
from making a mistake.

- Mm-hmm.

- Uh, no, I was just going--

- Oh, we know where your
little nasty self was going.

- Yeah, we went down to the
mall to have a talk with Megan

to make sure
she wasn't trying to link up

and twist your pretzel.

- We made it very clear

that if she does
anything like this again,

we're going to the police...
- Mm-hmm.

- The FBI...
- Mm-hmm.

- And the M-A-M-A.

- What's the M-A--
both: Mama.

- Look, I am, uh,
really, really sorry, bro.

- [sighs] Nah, thank God.

- Wait, you're not mad?

- Uh-uh. I'm relieved.

Shoot, I was gonna tell her
I was sick

so I didn't have
to go through with it.

[sighs]
Man, I was scared as hell.

- Yeah, that's on me.

Um, I should've been honest
with you.

[exhales sharply]
Listen, the truth is

that when I got pressured
into doing it,

I was terrified, too.
- For real?

- Nah, it was actually
the best night of my life.

But I wasn't the adult
in the situation.

I mean, if that would've
happened to a girl,

it would've been sexual misuse.

- Abuse.
- That's what I said.

But when it happens to us,
it's just part of being a man,

mainly because we love it.

I mean, yo,
we really, really love it.

- I want to love it.

- You will, all right?

But when it's time.

Look, I did it too soon,

and that's why Janelle says
that I have...

Wait, what do I have again?
- Unresolved issues with sex.

- Right, those.

Probably why I love stripping
so much.

It gives me power,
control, some agency.

[laughs]

I be having insights lately.
- Uh-huh.

Look, our generation
doesn't have to do

what everyone else thinks
is "normal."

- Good.

Want to go play video games?

- Yeah, let's do it.
- [laughs]

Hey, how good
did Megan look, though?

- Ah, it doesn't matter.
- Yeah.

Man, it really doesn't matter,
all right?

And, honestly, she was
way too old for you, anyway.

- You got her number,
didn't you?

- I'ma break it in for you.

- What you got there, Terry?
- A package for Junebug.

[grunts]

I didn't even know
he had an account.

- You do know that opening up
someone else's mail

is a federal crime, right?

- Girl,
kids ain't got no rights

unless somebody touching them.

- What the hell is this,
a flashlight?

- It's a thermos.

- Pocket pussy.

What?

That's the only time
I let another bitch

in the bedroom.

- Junebug bought this?

- Why the bitch white?

- Ah...just the person
we looking for.

- See, Pat?

If I was still drinking,
now, this shit would be funny.

But it's just sad.

- What in the devil
is this contraption?

- Mm-hmm, that's what
we was gonna ask you.

- Uh, I've never seen anything
like it before.

- You becoming a man, son.

Get the pussy
and forget her name.

- Sit.

Listen, now,
I know you getting older

and you got
certain curiosities,

but, uh, you too young
to be buying stuff like this.

- Well, he didn't,
'cause it's mine.

- You too old
to be buying stuff like this.

- I just get lonely sometimes.

- Nigga,
you the only stripper I know

that don't get no real pussy.

- Brandon, uh,
you know, I don't agree

with your occupation, son,

but, please, do not deliver
any of this nastiness

to my house ever again, son,
you hear me?

- Yes, sir.
You got it.

No more nasty.
- All right, now.

Your mother and I are going
to bed.

[exhales deeply]

- I don't share my dick.

What, we gonna have
a ménage a toy?

- Thanks, man.
[chuckles] I owe you one.

- No, you don't,
'cause I'm keeping this.

I'ma break it in for you.

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman,
and she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman,
and you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman
with family and kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's
"The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

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