All language subtitles for The Ms Pat Show s02e06 Rent A Nigg.eng

- "The Ms. Pat Show"
was filmed in front of

a live studio audience.

- One thing
most parents have in common

is the fact that
we want our kids

to have a much easier life
than we did.

But if we being honest,

some of these kids
could use some trauma.

Not having food to eat, baby,
build character.

Eating your cereal
with tap water

will give you
a hell of an imagination.

And we all know dodging your
mama's thick-ass extension cord

is true dedication
of training for the Olympics.

At least
that's what I tell myself

when I'm being jealous
of my privileged-ass kids.

Terry, spit in this tube.

- Damn, wild woman.

You gotta at least
buy a man dinner first.

- I'm trying
to send your DNA in

so I can find out
who your real daddy is

while your mama
was a rollingstone.com.

- You know, that's sweet, baby,
but I really don't care.

- Yeah, but in ten years
you gonna feel like

you missing something,
so spit in the tube

so we ain't gotta do this shit.

- Baby,
as far as I'm concerned,

the man
that raised me was my dad.

- You really don't wanna know?

- He ain't wanna know nothing
about me.

I don't wanna know nothing
about him.

- I'm gonna be rich.

- You got hit
by a tractor trailer?

- No, listen.

I just got asked to join
the basketball team at school.

It's only a matter of time
before the NBA calls.

- The NBA don't need
another mascot.

- You--wait a minute.

You mean to tell me
they asked you to play?

Coach asked you? - Yeah.

It's awesome, Dad.

See, our starting point guard,
Kevin, he OD'd,

so enter The Bug.

Just a little nickname

I'm trying to get 'em
to call me.

- They only asked him
to be on the team

because he's Black
and they assume he's good.

- Well,
I am Black and I am good,

so can't be too mad at 'em.

- Well, you can be too stupid

to realize
you're their little Black bug.

- Whoa. Baby girl, damn.

- Aw, it's okay, Dad.

She's just mad because nobody
asked her to the school dance.

- No.

I'm mad because school dances
are sexist.

- Janelle, you know how
to make anything sound shitty.

- It's true, Mom.

It is gross and I'm sick

of everyone talking about it.

Did you know the word "prom"
comes from "promenade,"

when girls would act all proper
and display themselves

so men would want
to marry them?

It's disgusting.

- Hey,
so where do periods come from?

Periodic table?

- Ha-ha.

- I'll get the lawyer.
You get the loser.

- Okay.

So, we got another superstar
in the house.

I didn't even know you were
interested in playing, son.

- You should've heard them
at school

after Kevin went to rehab.

They were all like,
"Aw, Junebug,

"we can't wait to see you play.

"Can I wear your jersey?

Oh, can you sign this card
for Kevin?"

[both laugh]

Man, they couldn't get enough
of your boy.

- Sounds like they were more
excited about it than you are.

- Well, I'm just giving
the people what they want.

- But is it what you want?

- Uh, yeah.

I mean, the cheerleaders might
actually talk to me now.

And plus, when you've got
as much skill as I do,

you can't let it go to waste.

Shoot, I might even be able

to teach you a thing or two,
old man.

- You ain't said nothing
but a word, boy.

- What?
How come you get ball first?

- Mm, because I paid for it.

- How 'bout we shoot for it?

- Cool.

I mean, it's been a minute
since we played,

but I gotta assume

that your shot is better
than it used to be

if the coach is approaching you
at all.

- Ah, yeah.
- Okay.

- [exhales]

My hand's just a little wet.

- Hehm yeah. Dry 'em off.

Try again. Come on.

All right, yeah. All right.

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- [sighs] Look.

Before you even start,

I've already made up my mind.

I'm not going
to that stupid dance.

- Why,
because nobody asked you?

- I wouldn't go even
if they did.

Look, I told you already.

Those dances represent
everything that I hate.

I'm not gonna wait around
for some guy

to ask me to be
his little trophy.

- I think you making a mistake,
Janelle.

School dances are what makes
it fun to be a teenager.

And let me tell you this,
a night like this

is not gonna exist
when you get older.

I missed mines
when I was your age.

- Why didn't you go?

- My water broke.

- Really?

- Yep, I went into labor
with Ashley.

You know, them gays don't care
when they come out.

- What you all talking about?

- This one here don't wanna go
to her school dance.

- Okay, well,
if she don't wanna go, Pat,

she don't wanna go.

- See, you another one
that don't appreciate

the opportunity you had
when you was coming up.

- Don't blame me.

I got to go to those things

'cause my boyfriends knew how
to pull out.

- Yeah, pull out of your life.

- Hey,
would you two just stop it?

Look, it doesn't matter anyway.

These dances are not for me.

So just stop talking about it.

- She wanna go to that dance.

- But she just said--

- I don't give a fuck.

That is my daughter and she's
not gonna miss her dance

'cause some white boy
won't ask her out.

- So what are you gonna do?

- I'ma rent her a nigga.

[soft brass music]

♪ ♪

- All right, Pop, you already
circumcised one finger.

If you circumcise
the other one,

you won't be able to send me
no more Cash Apps.

- Don't worry.

I block all your requests
with my middle finger.

- Dang, what's wrong with you?
- It's your brother.

- Don't worry.
His balls will drop eventually.

- [feigns laughter]

He dropping balls plenty.

And he got asked to play
on the basketball team

and the boy is trash.

- What do you expect?
Junebug's always been trash.

I mean, he's not even 5'5"
standing on a PS5.

- Yeah, look, man,

I ain't expecting anything,
all right?

You know, those folks down
at that daggone school

got that boy thinking
he King James.

- Okay,
and what's wrong with that?

- Ay, man,
they're just setting him up

for a whole world
of embarrassment, Brandon.

- Okay, look,
embarrassment lasts a moment,

but regret,
pfft, that lasts a lifetime.

I mean,
do you really want Junebug

to look back ten years
from now,

living in y'all's basement,

wondering where he went wrong
in life?

- Are we talking about you
or Junebug?

- All right, you got me.

Look, it be like that.

- I just don't wanna tell
the kid he's somebody he's not.

You know,
it sucks going through life

with nobody being honest
about who you are

until it's too late
for it to even matter.

- Okay, are we still talking
about Junebug or you?

- You got me.

But it be like that.

- Hey, um, do you mind
if I change this, Pop?

- Sure, go ahead.

[Tony! Toni! Toné's
"Feels Good"]

- ♪ It feels good ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It feels good ♪

♪ Whoa, it feels good ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It feels good ♪

- Yeah, ain't this your jam,
Pop?

- Boy, I got a lot of memories
and babies

attached to that record there,
boy.

You remember at
the family reunions,

we used to be out there
dancing all night, man?

- Yep, and I remember
everybody was laughing at you

'cause you dance like
somebody that needed an EpiPen.

- I don't remember that part.

- That's because
you were enjoying yourself.

Now trust me, so is Junebug.

And look,
I don't know if this may work,

but instead of telling him
to stop,

maybe just, you know,
coach him up.

- Look at you, having thoughts.

- Yeah, I've been really
freaking myself out lately.

- Okay, here we go.

I downloaded this app for teens

and I made a profile
for Janelle.

- So what'd you say, she like
to take long walks at protests?

- Girl, leave my baby alone.

It ain't her fault
I raised her well.

- Well, it will be when she die

and didn't get a chance
to use her coochie nipple.

- Girl, just help me find her
a nice, boring, ugly date.

- I'm just saying,
this is a lot of energy

to put into something
that she don't even want.

Why you working
this hard anyway?

- So she don't miss out
on memories like I did.

- Oh, well,
you didn't miss out on nothing

but New Addition
and dry humping.

- I wish my humping was dry.

- Ooh, I like this boy,
Darquan.

- Darquan?

Darquan sound ghetto

and he look like
he shake babies.

- Oh, now I like this dork
right here.

He's fucking perfect.

- Trey? Even his name is nerdy.

- Exactly.

Nerds don't get you pregnant.

- All right, well,
it does say he's into anime

and he volunteers
at local shelters.

- His dumb ass work for free?

- And he has
a perfect SAT score.

- That nigga lying.
[chuckles]

You know when Black people get
a perfect SAT score

they go on
to "Good Morning America"

and then they call it
a fucking cheatin' scandal.

- Well, send him a message
and see what's up.

- How I do that?

- Gimme this damn thing, Pat.

- Make sure you tell him
we wanna see him tonight

and make it sound like you,
you know, you Janelle.

- "Wassup, lil zaddy?"

[chuckles]
"You looking mad fresh.

Hit me back so we can link up."

- "Link up?"

You sound old as hell.

And could you at least
use some emojis?

- Girl, fuck emojis.

I use the OGs, okay?

That's the purple pickle,
the tongue out, and raindrops.

- I thought you were saved.

- Chile, they had to save me
from something.

[tablet chimes]
Ooh, he wrote back.

- Already?
I told you he was a lame.

- Okay, well, it says
he's coming over tomorrow.

Hah! I am good at this.

[gasps] Ooh, you know,

if Denise Grease
don't work out,

I might start my own business
luring in teenagers.

- You just gonna say that
out loud?

You going to jail.

- [groaning]

- What the hell happened
to you?

- Junebug needed coaching up
again,

so I was out there
shooting around with him.

I almost lost my life.

- You need to stop wasting time

and rip the Band-Aid off
of this

and tell that boy
he ain't shit.

- I know, I know.
I thought about that, baby,

but I don't--
I don't want to crush him.

- Like your mama
didn't wanna crush you?

- But this is different, okay?

I just hope he's playing
for the right reason.

I don't want him
doing what I did.

- Marrying a criminal?
- [chuckles]

Thinking
he gotta play basketball

'cause they asked him to.

You know, people did the same
thing to me with football

just 'cause how I looked.

- Why are you projecting
your childhood shit on him?

- Oh, for real?

- Yeah, for real.

- Okay, then, who the hell
you looking at dresses for?

- Mind your business.

Janelle going to that dance

and she gonna wear
one of these dresses too.

- Uh-huh,
and does she know that?

- We on a need-to-know basis,

and right now,
she don't need to know.

- [chuckles]

You're overdoing it
on this one here, Pat.

Mm-hmm.
You working too hard, girl.

- Working too hard for what?

- Trying not to be your mama.

- Mildred was mean
and never supported shit.

Compared to her,
I'm Carol fucking Brady, Terry.

Now here's a story about
a good-ass mama.

[doorbell chimes]

I got it.
- Oh, who is that?

- I ordered Janelle a date.
- What?

How come you never
Postmate me a date?

- 'Cause living with your mama
ain't doing shit

ain't a hot profile.

- There's some women
that love low standards.

- Not basement low.

- Janelle?

- You don't look like a Trey.

- Well,
my government name Treyq'uan.

- That is not the nigga
I ordered.

- Who's that at the door?

- Is that Trey?

Pat, stop being so rude

and let little Steve Urkel in.

Oh, shit. You Stefan Urquelle.

- So I'm guessing
Janelle don't exist

and this a virtual
R. Kelly situation?

- Uh, I'm Janelle.

- Oh, she lying.
They name Jessie.

- Oh, oh, I'm Trey.
I'm your date.

[smacks]
- Date?

- Okay, niece-y, don't get mad,
but your mama,

she made me make
a fake dating profile

so you wouldn't miss
your school dance.

- Damn, Denise.
You turn that fast?

She ain't even offer you
no cigarettes.

- I cannot believe this.

Why can't you just stay out
of my business?

- I tried to tell her.

- You ain't tried
to tell me shit.

- And this is who you picked
for me?

- Nah, that is false fucking
advertising right there.

- I don't know, Pat.
He is much cuter in person.

He kind of look like that nigga
that sold me my first rock.

- Exactly.
Get your ass outta here!

- No.

I like him.

- You what?

- Come in.

- He's wrong for you.

- I think he's right for me

and it's who you picked, right?

- Janelle.

- I'm Janelle.

- I'm Treyq'uan.
Everybody call me Trey.

- Excuse me, we about to go to
my son's basketball game so--

- Oh, well, I think
Treyq'uan should come with us.

- I'll drive us there
if you want.

- Even better.

- Okay, you do know
when they on the dating app

and they got a car,

he gon' be trying to smash.

- Hell no, the only thing
he gonna get deep in

is my back seat.

Hey!
Y'all, get your ass in my car.

[cheers and applause]

- I got that app trying
to see if I could meet

any cute Black girls.

Thought they ain't exist
in Plainfield.

When your mama answered
the door, I thought she was you

so it's way better
than I expected.

- [laughs] You thought you were
getting catfished, huh?

- I thought I was getting
sex trafficked-fished.

That's how it go around here.

Most people on that app
end up looking like your mama.

[both laugh]

- You sexual activated, nigga?

- Ma'am?

- Are you fucking?
- Mama!

- Now, this is a family event.

- Shut up, Terry.

There's probably some kid
up under these bleachers

giving a hand job right now.

- Ay, I think Coach
is putting Junebug in the game.

- Yes.
- Let's go. Let's go.

- All right, Pop.
How you feeling?

Did you work with him?
- [sighs] I tried.

Let's see what he does.

- Hi. I'm Brad's mom.

The coach is very excited
that Junebug is on the team.

- Really?
- Yes. Are you kidding me?

With Junebug
maybe we can finally

win some games this year.

Go, Junebug!

- Well,
he's not playing for you.

- Don't get too excited
just because he Black.

- He pretty much Justin Beaver

before he met Usher.
- Pat!

- Don't get mad at me
for telling the truth.

- Hey, is he supposed
to be dribbling it

off his feet like that?

- No. No, he's not

and he's headed
for the wrong hoop.

- Pass the ball, boy!

- Don't say "boy"
in mixed company.

- Keep your head in the game,
nigga!

- Ay, yo, you got it, Bug!

Just relax!

- He sucks.
Take him out the game.

He worse than my damn Falcons.

- Oh, hold up! Hold up!

- Wait, he got a steal.
- Oh!

- More like a white boy
bounced a ball off his head.

- Yeah, but then he caught it.
- Shoot it, Junebug.

all: Shoot it! Shoot it!
Shoot it!

[all gasp]
[loud crash]

- His hands were wet.

- At least he ain't up under
the bleachers.

- Hey.

Don't think on it too hard,
son.

You'll get 'em next time,
champ.

- Next time?

- Only way to get better
is to keep playing.

Tell me something.

Who are you on this team for,
son?

- Everybody was just so excited
when they asked me to play.

I feel like I let 'em down.

- Lemme tell you a story.

You know I played football,
right?

Yeah,
I was pretty good at it too.

Got scholarships from people
all across the country.

But the only reason
I played was

to get my daddy's attention.

I thought if I was
the best player in town,

you know, he was gonna find
a way to make time

to come see me.

But he never did.

I never really liked football,

but I loved him.

See, what I'm trying
to tell you, son, is...

do what makes your heart happy.

Don't get to the end of life
living off "what ifs."

- But hooping
does make me happy.

- It does?
Huh, I thought that you--

- Well, everyone
wanting me to play

was why I did it at first,

but then me and you
started messing around

in the backyard
and suddenly the cheerleaders

that didn't talk to me

still don't talk to me, but...

hey, at least they know
my name.

[both chuckle]

No, I loved it.

At least
until the laughing started.

- I tried to tell your mama
to knock it off.

[clears throat]

Look, as long as you doing it
for you,

I'm gon' always be rooting
for you, son.

- You're not embarrassed?

- Aw, of course not, son.

Man.

You are free to be whoever
and whatever you wanna be.

- Then I'm gonna stay
on the team.

- All right. All right.

- I'ma work hard.
- Come on.

- I'ma get up early and stay up
late practicing my game.

- Say that? [laughs]

- I'ma get better.

I mean, who knows?
- Hey, that's my boy.

That's my boy. That's my boy.

- Carson.
- Yeah, Coach?

- You're cut.

Leave the jersey
on your way out.

- Ay, ay, ay, Coach!
Coach, hold on now, man.

You ain't gonna be talking
to my son like that.

How you just gonna cut him
from the team?

Thank you.

And don't be asking my son
for none of them

new Junebug Nikes
when they sell out either!

Huh!

- Thanks, Pops.
- No problem, boy.

Yeah.

Let me see that crossover, son.

Let me see it, huh?

[laughs]

You ever look into poetry?

This is your brain
on a date with my daughter.

- And that's your brain
if you try some fuck shit.

- Any questions?

- We gonna need you to leave
your little dick here with us.

- And what you gon' do
with it?

- Niece-y, wow.

- Baby girl,
you look beautiful.

- God damn,
I knew I picked the best dress!

- It's a'ight. [chuckles]

- "She doth teach the torches
to burn bright.

It seems she hangs
upon the cheek of night."

- [chuckles softly]

- What'd your horny ass
say about cheeks and nights?

- He's quoting
"Romeo and Juliet," Mama.

- You know
Shakespeare died of syphilis.

- You know Shakespeare?

- Nah, but I know syphilis.

- Mama, I need to talk to you.

Mom, you're the one
that asked Trey here,

but all you've done
is be rude to him ever since.

- I know, baby. I know.

I just can't trust
a motherfucker who got Qs

in they name.

And that go for your friend
named DaeQuan too.

- It is Treyq'uan.

- Just by you saying his name
your credit score went down.

I worked my whole life
to keep you from going through

what I went through
and I be damned

if I'ma let you get knocked up
by a Jacquees.

- It is Treyq'uan

and who said anything about
getting knocked up?

I mean, I've known the guy
for like three seconds.

- Hood boys only need two.

I just wanted you
to have a nice, normal date

with a nice, normal nerd.

- But he is a nerd.

He has a perfect SAT score.

- He lying.
He would've been on TV.

- No, he really does.

I mean, he does volunteer work,
he likes anime,

but his name is also Treyq'uan.

He just happens to have tattoos
and gold chains.

Look, you're stereotyping him
and you're wrong.

- Okay, I'll back off.

- Thank you.

But you were right about
one thing.

Dances are a part
of the patriarchy,

but I did want to go
to the dance.

It just sucked that
no one asked me to go.

- This school
ain't your people.

- I mean,
maybe it's the school

or maybe people think I just
don't wanna do stuff like this?

- Probably 'cause
you always saying you don't.

- Yeah, you're probably right.

- Good thing I don't care about
your feelings.

- [laughs]

You sure don't.
[chuckles]

Look, this definitely wasn't
the way to do it,

but I can't lie.

I'm glad I get to go.

- I know I was doing too much,

but I'd rather be
a helicopter parent

than a bus parent,
like my mama.

- What's a bus parent?

- A bitch who can't afford
a helicopter.

I just don't wanna be
a shitty mom.

- Well,
whenever you try too hard,

the lines get blurred.

- Let me get drunk
and don't feed you

and see if you feel the same.

- [chuckles]
Look, Mama.

You're better than her, okay?

Just trust that.

We're good.

Well, most of us.

- I've already given up
on your brothers.

- [laughs]

Good.

Thanks, Mama.

- Love you.

- Bye, y'all.

- Why does seeing Janelle
so happy about this dance

make me feel good?

- Because you too busy
living through her

instead
of living through yourself.

- I hear you,
but it's too late.

- You think so?
- You don't?

- No, I don't.

[Bobby Brown's "Rock Wit'cha"]

- What the hell?

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

Why are you coming out here
looking like

ketchup and mustard?

- [laughs]

♪ ♪

Hey, look, baby,
I was trying to go

a little bit old-school
for you,

but I split my Hammer pants.

Patricia,

will you do me the honor

by attending
the homecoming dance?

- Where at?

- We at home. You coming?

- [chuckles]

Is this what I missed out on?

- ♪ Hold you oh so tight ♪

- What you think, huh?

- ♪ Just touch me anywhere ♪

- Yeah, see that?

[both laugh]

- It's pretty good as long
as you keep dancing slow.

- What?

What, you don't think
I can dance either?

- Terry.
- No, uh-uh.

Fuck that.

- [chuckles]
The choir boy cussing?

[MC Hammer's "2 Legit 2 Quit"]

- ♪ Too legit,
too legit to quit ♪

♪ Too legit,
too legit to quit ♪

- Somebody get this man
a EpiPen.

- ♪ Too legit,
too legit to quit ♪

♪ Sweat, running' all over
my chest, chest ♪

♪ I don't quit, no, I just ♪

- Oh, my God!

I thought I was getting robbed
by Broke-ahontas.

What are you doing up so late?

- Making sure your night
didn't end the way mine did

'cause you know
the only damn thing

open this late
is moisturized thighs.

- And IHOP
'cause that's where we went.

- That better be all
you brought home.

Did you have a good time?
- Yes, ma'am.

- And I know you told
your daddy to distract me

so I wouldn't interrupt you
and Offset.

- I told him not to tell you.

- He didn't. You just did.

But I enjoyed it.

Only thing missing
was my youth.

- [chuckles]

- Fuck Ashley and her timing.

- Goodnight, Mama.

Thank you.

- [chuckles softly]

- [sighs]
Ay, here you go, sweetie.

[groans softly]

- We're not too bad with
this parenting shit, is we?

- As good as we gonna be.

[laughs]
[loud crash]

- [gasps]

That boy suck.

I know that motherfucker didn't
just break my goddamn window.

Junebug!

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman
and she don't take no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman
and you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman
with three damn kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's
"The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0